You sound deeply frustrated, and understandably so. You’re feeling pulled between a very important friendship and your educational/professional goals. That is a very tough spot to be in.

I’m curious to know if you have tried to talk to your friend about this. It seems to me that maybe you have not, since you indicated that you “don’t want to mean and tell her to knock it off.” If you haven’t yet spoken to her, I would encourage you to think about doing so. It isn’t “mean” to let a friend know what you need. Consider what you might want if the roles were reversed. If your behavior was making it difficult, or even impossible, for your friend to achieve something that was important to her, wouldn’t you want to know? You wouldn’t want to hinder the pursuit of her goals, would you? And if she was courageous enough to be honest with you, I imagine you would adjust your behavior and support her efforts.

Let her know how much you value her friendship and explain that, because you value it so much, you need to be honest about something that has been troubling you. Your assurance that she is important and valued might mitigate any rejection she feels after being asked to back off a little. Hopefully, she will respond by hearing you out and adjusting her behavior to be more supportive of your goals. Your requests are reasonable and appropriate. The worst-case scenario is that she doesn’t understand where you are coming from, takes your request very personally, and chooses to end the friendship. If your very reasonable request evokes such an unreasonable response, it might be time to question the quality of the friendship. If you can’t ask your best friend for support in achieving your goals, then how strong is the friendship? You probably know her well enough to predict how likely this worst-case scenario is.

You might also want to ask yourself why her needs seem to be more important than yours. Is this something that comes up often in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to put the needs, desires, and feelings of others over your own? Is this behavior detrimental to you? If you answered yes to those questions, it might be a good idea to work with a therapist on these issues. It’s possible that an underestimation of your self-worth might be impacting many areas of your life, and a therapist could be invaluable in helping you sort these things out.

Gathering the courage to talk to your friend and/or find your own therapist might take some time, and it seems like you might need some tangible solutions right now. From your brief note, I’m not clear on whether your work is academic or professional, or whether you work in an office or elsewhere. Either way, it might be useful to find some other location to do your work. For example, if this is happening in a college dorm room, try going to the library or a study lounge to do most of your work, and make plans to meet up with your friend after you finish working. If this is happening in a work setting, try working in a conference room or putting some headphones on at your desk to discourage chit-chat. You can still plan to have lunch together or spend some time together after work.

Finding a balance between work and relationships is a challenging task, but it is one that most of us have to deal with at various points in our lives. While this situation may be a bit overwhelming at the moment, it is also an opportunity for you to figure out what strategies work best for you in attaining this balance. You can add what works to your toolbox for the future and toss strategies that don’t work.

All the best,
Sarah

Women have many roles. They are sisters, friends, daughters, mothers, and wives. And most women are employed in some capacity, with or without pay. Whether they work at home—raising children and running the house—or they enter the workforce as an employee, most women work. For young women, the transition from student to worker can be challenging. Equally difficult can be the reentry into the workforce for women who return to a job after having stayed home to raise children. How a woman approaches these transitions can affect not only her success in this pursuit, but also her self-esteem and well-being.

David Weiss of the Department of Psychology at the University of Zurich in Switzerland looked at two specific factors in women’s work-related aspirations. First, he looked at how openness influenced the experience. Second, he gauged how women’s gender ideology affected outcome. Weiss conducted a study that followed 61 young women as they left high school and began careers. He then looked at more than 800 women’s transitions from school or parenthood to work. Weiss found that the women who were lower in openness embraced traditional female gender roles, while those with more openness embraced nontraditional gender roles.

Those women who were more open demonstrated high levels of self-efficacy and well-being. Women who were less open fared poorly when they tried to step out into nontraditional female roles. “Taken together, the present research suggests that endorsing an ideology that provides strong behavioral guidelines can help women low in openness to master the challenges of a developmental transition,” Weiss said. He added that for women who approach career choices with an open mind, working within the confines of traditional gender expectations can have negative effects on self-esteem, well-being, and overall work-related success.

Reference:
Weiss, David, Alexandra M. Freund, and Bettina S. Wiese. Mastering developmental transitions in young and middle adulthood: The interplay of openness to experience and traditional gender ideology on women’s self-efficacy and subjective well-being. Developmental Psychology 48.6 (2012): 1774-784. Print.

Depression makes it difficult to function in daily life, but adding discrimination to the equation makes it even more troublesome.

A new study in the journal The Lancet stated that out of the 1,082 adult participants with major depressive disorder, 79% reported that they have experienced discrimination. People who experienced discrimination while depressed had more depressive episodes, social difficulties, and issues finding and keeping a job. They also were less likely to reveal a diagnosis of depression.

These results suggest that more works needs to be done in the area of preventing discrimination and eliminating stigma. Discrimination can prevent people with depression, who may be worried about disclosing their diagnosis, from getting the help they need. While getting a job and growing social networks can help fight depression symptoms, those pursuits become more challenging in the face of discrimination.

How, specifically, does discrimination affect people with depression? How can the general public be more understanding? And what options do people with depression have? Mental health experts and other professionals have some answers.

Dr. David Sack, CEO of Elements Behavioral Health and Promises Treatment Centers, said by email that sensitivity toward people with depression often is lacking.

“The most common example has to do with intolerance toward peers/friends/relatives that comes from not understanding that depression is a disease that the individual cannot simply will themselves out of,” he said.

Sack said a supervisor might question an employee’s motivation and commitment due to symptoms of depression, even if those symptoms don’t reflect how the employee really is.

“How often have we heard that this or that person claims that they are depressed just so they can get time off from work or won’t have to take responsibility for mistakes they’ve made?” Sack said.

Although many people know the basics of depression thanks to widespread awareness initiatives, prejudice, bias, and stigma still are rampant.

Viola Drancoli, a clinical psychologist, said in an email that friends and family members of people with depression might exhibit discriminatory behavior with them because they may feel drained from being around someone who expresses sadness, pessimism, irritability, and a lack of motivation.

This could push someone with depression into isolation. A person with depression might prefer being alone so he or she doesn’t have to attempt to hide feelings from others.

“The social isolation often starts a vicious cycle in which the (client’s) negative outlook on life is reaffirmed, they feel let down by family and friends, and symptoms may worsen,” Drancoli said. “This is especially dangerous for individuals who have suicidal ideations and need support and monitoring.”

Drancoli said it’s important for family and friends to be supportive. She suggests volunteering to help out with chores that might be difficult for someone with depression to complete when he or she is struggling to function, as well as patiently listening without judgment. Loved ones can gently encourage a person with depression to exercise as well, as this has been shown to boost mood.

People with depression who believe they have been discriminated against have the law on their side. Sack said that discrimination against people with any disabilities, including mental issues such as depression, is forbidden by the Americans with Disabilities Act. The civil rights law, enacted in 1990, defines disability as “a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits a major life activity.” Some states have additional laws against discriminatory behavior.

“An individual who is concerned about discrimination at work will want to speak with their supervisor or the director of human resources first,” Sack said. “Most companies have strong policies to promote fairness and nondiscrimination.”

Justine Lisser, a senior attorney advisor in the Office of Communications & Legislative Affairs at the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, said by email that if an employer has at least 15 employees, it must abide by the ADA. Employers need to provide “reasonable accommodations” for people with disabilities, as long as the employer isn’t deeply burdened as a result.

“For example, if a person with depression is hired for a position that requires an 8 a.m. start time, but due to the effects of (antidepressant) medication the person could not start until 10 a.m., it would be a reasonable accommodation to permit the employee with depression to start at 10 a.m., assuming that it would not cause an undue hardship for the employer,” Lisser said.

The EEOC has successfully enforced employee discrimination laws in a few cases involving people with mental health issues. In one case, a sales associate at a video retailer experienced harassment because of his social anxiety disorder and depression. His employer was ordered to pay $70,000 to settle the discrimination suit, according to an EEOC press release from March 2012.

This is the third in a series of articles designed to explore some of the issues and concerns that arise around what is currently called Asperger’s syndrome, which will soon be incorporated into the broader spectrum of autism disorder when the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) is published in 2013.

I had a client we’ll call Brian, a man in his mid-thirties with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome who came to me to discuss what he referred to as “issues he was having with people at work.”

It is not an unusual request for a person with Asperger’s to want to work on the confusion that surrounds social interactions in general. Interactions at work often are more challenging because in the office, not only do the normal social protocols apply, but there often is an additional layer of a particular corporate culture overlaid upon this basic structure, invisibly directing everything.

Bryan was a pleasant and engaging man. He held good eye contact, spoke with precision, and demonstrated a light touch with humor. His demeanor changed, though, when I asked him about his colleagues in the office where he worked as a certified public accountant.

A quiet earnestness overcame him. He spoke clearly and without breaking to collect his thoughts or in expectation of response. He discussed one individual after another in great detail, including information about the kind of work they did, their areas of responsibility, and where they stood in the hierarchy. This was precisely the sort of information I expected to get from Brian on the topic of work relationships.

Then, however, he began to speak of his colleagues in more personal terms. He knew who was married and who was single. He knew who had children, their names and ages, and the schools they attended. Brian told me who had recently vacationed and where they had gone; who golfed and who played tennis; who had iPhones and who used Androids. He knew the makes and models of everyone’s cars. He knew the names of spouses. He knew which neighborhoods his coworkers called home. He even knew who had housekeepers and who did not.

It might appear surprising on first glance to read that I was given such detailed and personal information about others from a man with Asperger’s who came into my office with self-identified problems related to interpersonal relationships. But I have seen this before. Once you look at this apparent contradiction in another light, you may recognize it, too.

I’m talking about the illusion of friendship.

Further discussion with Brian demonstrated to me that he had gleaned all this information about his coworkers not from interactions with them over time, the way you or I might imagine getting to know the people we work with. Instead, Brian had developed his extensive knowledge of everyone around him by listening and even eavesdropping on conversations others were having around him, but in which he had not once been involved personally.

And he was having problems with his coworkers when he would make a statement revealing his knowledge about a person, info he had no apparently legitimate way of knowing. People became uncomfortable around him because of this and withdrew from him, which left him utterly confused.

Of course, this became the starting point for our work together. Brian had to learn about the ways that acquaintanceships and friendships develop over time. Importantly, he also had to learn the concept of reciprocity: It is not enough to know things about another person, but one must also share personal information about oneself as well in the give-and-take manner of casual conversation. This is how trust develops between people. This is the foundation from which we can make a statement such as, “Oh, yes, I know Brian,” with legitimacy.

Brian had to learn that knowing confidential or intimate facts about another person without that reciprocity was considered socially gauche, and that it had the potential even to be frightening to some individuals. Brian had to learn the difference between having friends and having the illusion that he had friends.

Once we began to tease this distinction apart, Brian began making progress in his social interactions. We used role-playing techniques and many “what-if” exercises, and Brian’s distress around the topic of his work environment noticeably decreased over time.

Fear can be a strong motivator. People who are afraid of living in poverty may be motivated to pursue any career option in order to avoid financial destitution. In a similar way, individuals who are afraid that they may develop specific health-related problems may work tirelessly to maintain optimal physical condition. Fear often has been linked to motivation, both positively and negatively. Until recently, however, few studies examined how fear of failure affects activity-related performance.

Jocelyn J. Bélanger of the University of Maryland sought to determine how negative feedback on specific tasks affected motivation in individuals fearful of failure (obsessive) and those who were passionate about their activity but less worried about setbacks (harmonious). In a series of experiments, Bélanger found that individuals who are passionate about achieving their goal perform differently based on their style of commitment. In particular, those with obsessive passion responded with positive motivation to negative/failure cues while those with harmonious passion saw no change in performance. In fact, the harmonious passion participants maintained the same level of performance throughout the experiments, regardless of whether they received success or failure feedback.

“Obsessive passion, associated with defensiveness, predicts performance aimed at avoiding failure, whereas harmonious passion, associated with a secure self-concept, predicts stable performance,” Bélanger said. These findings suggest that fear works as a motivator for individuals with obsessive passion. Bélanger believes that people who feel their sense of self is threatened by failure of goal attainment may unconsciously respond to that threat by increasing their performance. However, those who have harmonious passion traits are less threatened and view the feedback, positive or negative, merely as information needed to continue the process of attaining their goals. The results of this study offer valuable information that could be used for the development of goal-attainment strategies in the professional, academic, and sports arenas, and could help clinicians better understand an individual’s reaction to goal-achievement outcomes.

Reference:
Bélanger, J. J., Lafrenière, M.-A. K., Vallerand, R. J., Kruglanski, A. W. (2012). Driven by fear: The effect of success and failure information on passionate individuals’ performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029585

Psychologists are exposed to many stressors that could cause them to have a negative outlook on their careers. Dealing with long hours, extensive paperwork, and insurance companies can lead to burnout in the mental health field. Working with difficult clients and being privy to distressing information can also place psychologists at a high risk for work-related stress and job dissatisfaction. Although most of the existing research suggests that psychologists are relatively happy with their careers, Patricia A. Rupert, associate professor of psychology at Loyola University in Chicago, wanted to explore the nuances of job satisfaction among them.

Rupert assessed surveys from two groups of psychologists that were part of a larger survey. The first group of 129 psychologists reported high job satisfaction levels, while the second group, consisting of 102 psychologists, reported moderate satisfaction levels. Rupert’s goal was to analyze the factors that contributed to high satisfaction versus moderate satisfaction. She looked first at whether job satisfaction correlated with growth and income opportunities as well as working environments. Secondly, Rupert identified working hours, case load, therapeutic mode, administrative responsibilities, professional improvement strategies, and negative client interactions.

The review provided evidence that several variables contribute to career satisfaction for psychologists. Specifically, Rupert found that the majority of moderately satisfied psychologists had poor professional and personal life balances and felt little sense of control in their work environments. The most satisfied participants were those with a harmonious personal/professional structure and positive work experiences. In contrast to research that suggests high rates of burnout among mental health professionals as a result of the work stressors, this research demonstrates that there are multiple nuances that influence the overall job satisfaction of therapists and psychologists. “Our results provide encouraging evidence that, despite the many challenges providers face in this evolving health care environment, practicing psychologists, as a whole, remain very satisfied with their careers,” Rupert added.

Reference:
Rupert, P. A., Miller, A. O., Hartman, E. R. T., Bryant, F. B. (2012). Predictors of career satisfaction among practicing psychologists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029420

A client that drops out of therapy is one who does not complete the recommended course of treatment. Many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, do not have a specific treatment deadline, and clients are considered dropouts when they have voluntarily stopped therapy prior to resolving the issues and symptoms that brought them there to begin with. Dropout is a serious concern for the medical community and the general population. Individuals who drop out of therapy are more likely to have future psychological complications and seek services multiple times, which places an economic burden on society. Because they do not learn adaptive coping strategies and fail to address the issues that plague them most seriously, they are likely to be less than productive in their careers, families, and communities. Additionally, therapists who experience client dropout may begin to question their ability to help clients and their own adequacy.

Understanding the factors that contribute to dropout can provide clinicians with the information they need to address the problem. Joshua K. Swift of the Department of Psychology at the University of Alaska in Anchorage wanted to explore this problem further and made it the focus of his most recent study. Swift analyzed over 650 studies that included more than 83,000 clients and looked at factors such as client age, therapy setting, therapist experience, type of therapy, issues addressed in therapy, and clinician definition of dropout.

Swift found that nearly 20% of all the clients in the studies ended their treatment early. He found that some variables, such as therapy setting, influenced the rates of dropout. He also discovered that rates of dropout were highest among the youngest participants and those seeking treatment for personality or eating problems. Swift believes that more work is needed to determine specific nuances that effect retention. He hopes efforts will be aimed at isolating psychological issues, such as anxiety or depression, and approaches, such as psychodynamic or behavioral therapy, in order to get a clearer idea of the different dimensions affecting treatment completion. Swift said, “By paying attention to these variables and making adaptations where needed, clinicians may be able to reduce rates of premature discontinuation in their work with clients.”

Reference:
Swift, J. K., Greenberg, R. P. (2012). Premature discontinuation in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology80.4: 547-559.

Texting has, in many ways, made communication easier by helping people avoid long, unpleasant phone conversations and making a quick “Hello” much easier. According to the Pew Research Center, 72% of teenagers text regularly, and one in three sends more than 100 texts per day. Clearly, texting is the preferred method of communication among young people, and that trend is moving upward toward adults, who are also texting much more frequently. While texting hasn’t been around long enough for researchers to study its long-term effects on communication, there is circumstantial evidence that it is rapidly altering the ways people communicate with one another both via text and in person.

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Face-to-Face Communication

Texting encourages rapid-fire, single-sentence thoughts, but this style of communication isn’t conducive to face-to-face communication. Consequently, people who text a lot may be more uncomfortable with in-person communication and may even use their cell phones to communicate with people who are in their presence. Parents often report that their teens text during dinner, and the friend who texts during a group night out is a common phenomenon. The reality may be not that these people are being rude but that they are uncomfortable with slow-paced, in-person communication.

Surface-Level Communication

Texting increases the frequency of small talk and can be a great asset to people beginning to form a friendship; they may be much more comfortable texting each other witty one-liners than they are picking up the phone and calling. But texting is, almost by definition, surface-level communication. When people communicate primarily via text, they’re much less likely to have meaningful conversations.

Written Communication

People know they’re using improper grammar when they text; it’s merely a shortcut that enables them to relay a message quickly and effectively. But over time, the way we communicate—even if we know the way we communicate is “technically” wrong—affects the way we think. The result is that people who have grown up texting may have much poorer writing skills than people who regularly communicate using grammatically correct sentences either in person, over the phone, or via email. Even worse, they may lose their ability to modify their tone and style depending upon who they talk to. Many employers complain that entry-level hires have no idea how to send a business email or communicate appropriately to superiors.

Impatience and Instant Gratification

Texting is real-time communication but is not in person. This creates an odd situation in which people feel compelled to respond immediately via text, but they aren’t really participating in an ongoing, progressively deepening conversation. The instant gratification of texting can lead to incredible impatience, even aggression. But when people are in person, the requirement of communicating immediately can be daunting for people communicating primarily via text. Thus texting can inhibit both in-person communication and texting itself.

Social Boundaries

Unlike phone calls, there are no clear rules about when it’s acceptable to text. And because texting doesn’t result in an angry person answering on the other end, many people feel more comfortable texting at any time and in any circumstance. The result is a decrease in privacy and social boundaries. People may text in the middle of the night or while someone is on vacation and expect an immediate response, because of the impatience texting encourages. The result is a blurring of the lines between public and private. While a couple might previously expect no interruptions on a vacation or honeymoon, they can now anticipate receiving and responding to texts. Because texting is not old enough for psychologists to know how this affects intimacy, we can only guess at its long-term effects on relationships.

References:

1. Alison Bryant, J., Sanders-Jackson, A., Smallwood, A. K. (2006). IMing, Text messaging, and adolescent social networks. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication,11(2), 577-592. doi: 10.1111/j.1083-6101.2006.00028.x
2. Hanna, J. (n.d.). W&L Psychology Project examines cell-phone usage and adolescent health. Washington and Lee University. Retrieved from http://news.blogs.wlu.edu/2012/07/24/wl-psychology-project-examines-cell-phone-usage-and-adolescent-health/
3. Influence of Texting on Communication Skills. (n.d.). Influence of texting on communication skills. Retrieved from http://artofeloquence.com/texting/

One of the primary goals of successful therapy is the formation of a meaningful and strong therapeutic alliance. This bond between the therapist and client is essential for creating an environment of openness, acceptance, and trust. Therapists are largely responsible for developing this foundation, but clients contribute significantly to the bond as well, even if they are unaware they are doing so. Many clients bring past experiences into therapy. Negative and judgmental encounters with previous therapists can cause clients to be distrusting and fearful in treatment, creating barriers to constructive working alliances. Understanding how clients’ past experiences influence the therapeutic bond, and how therapists can overcome these challenges, was the focus of a recent study conducted by Christian Moltu of the Division of Psychiatry at the District General Hospital of Forde in Norway.

Moltu interviewed a dozen therapists and asked them to describe how they overcame hurdles they experienced with hesitant and resistant clients. The therapists were trained in a range of approaches and yet each described similar methods for interacting with difficult clients. Each therapist stated that he or she achieved a productive working alliance, despite their clients’ reservations, by doing one of three things. The therapists said that successful alliances occurred when clients asked the therapists to help them with the relational challenges they faced. Additionally, therapists noted that bonds were built when they acknowledged the clients’ willingness and courage to overcome existing challenges. Lastly, when clients were unable to move past victimization and suffering, therapists found a way to build a bond with them by recognizing this deficit in their clients and explaining that the goal of therapy was to move from challenging situations to positive outcomes. Moltu added, “We found that participants experienced the client as contributing relationally and that this influences how the therapists respond and are present in the interaction.” By being attentive to the past experiences a client brings to therapy, a therapist can work with the client to overcome these limitations and ultimately develop a strong and cooperative therapeutic relationship.

Reference:
Moltu, C., Binder, P.-E., Stige, B. (2012). Collaborating with the client: Skilled psychotherapists’ experiences of the client’s agency as a premise for their own contribution in difficult therapies ending well. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0028010

Religion has been shown to be a stabilizing factor for mental well-being. Research has demonstrated that people who have religious beliefs tend to have better mental health, physical health, and more satisfying relationships than those who do not have any religious beliefs. Religious individuals who seek therapy may look specifically for a therapist who is of their religious affiliation; however, many choose to work with secular therapists in order to receive an unbiased assessment of their psychological state. Because of this, it is important to understand how religious clients view the treatment they receive from secular therapists. Carrie L. Cragun of the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at the University of Albany in New York was curious to find out if religious individuals held negative or positive opinions of secular therapists and the treatment they provided.

Cragun recently reviewed assessments from 11 Christian individuals who had received therapy from secular therapists. She evaluated whether the clients reported their experiences as positive or negative and how religion influenced their reports. Cragun found that the majority of the clients reported positive experiences from the secular therapists. This was most often the result of working with a therapist who was open and willing to discuss religious beliefs. The therapists who were judgmental and less inclusive with respect to faith were seen as providing a negative therapeutic experience. However, when therapists explained that they were unqualified to discuss their client’s religion, the clients respected that response and still rated the overall experience as positive.

Religious beliefs play a significant role in the lives of many clients. This study demonstrates that many individuals do not feel comfortable initiating discussions about this important topic to therapists. “Results suggest that creating safety for clients to discuss their religious identity and beliefs could begin on intake,” Cragun said. “Therapists could ask about clients’ coping methods or specifically about religion and spirituality.” Providing an environment in which a client feels fully accepted regardless of religious devotion or ambiguity will set the stage for full disclosure in other areas. Cragun believes that the best place for this to start is when students are studying to become therapists. Learning about the importance of multicultural issues and how to integrate these issues into therapy will allow therapists to be more inclusive of clients from every ethnic and religious background.

Reference:
Cragun, C. L., Friedlander, M. L. (2012). Experiences of Christian clients in secular psychotherapy: A mixed-methods investigation. Journal of Counseling Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0028283

Everyone occasionally has a bad case of the Mondays, but that can also go away once you start joking around with coworkers. However, what happens when you’re surrounded by negativity, people who gossip and constantly complain? If positivity is lacking in the workplace, it can be a major mood drainer. Luckily, experts do have some suggestions for conquering situations with negative coworkers. These are just some possible solutions to a negativity problem, but feel free to experiment and add your own personalized touch.

Cheryl Palmer, a certified career coach and the owner of Call to Career, said when people are placed in a negative environment, it can start to rub off on them if they don’t consciously fight against it. However, she does have a couple of tips to help workers stay positive in a potentially negative work environment:

1)    Whenever possible, surround yourself with positive people. If any of your coworkers have a positive attitude, associate yourself with them. If there are no positive people at work, then make sure you surround yourself with positive people outside of work.
2)    Physically take yourself out of that environment whenever feasible. For example, you don’t have a choice when it comes to being around negative people when you are in the office, but you can use your lunch break to get out of the office and take a breather. Going for a brief walk during your lunch break can be rejuvenating.

Workers can even attempt to bring positivity to negative coworkers, especially if they appear to be more open to changing their ways. Here are two tips for helping coworkers see their jobs in a more positive light:

1)    Focus on the positive aspects of the job and/or organization. You can usually find something positive if you look for the positive.
2)    Another way to help coworkers is to focus the conversation on positive things outside of the workplace. Instead of talking about work all the time and how bad things are, you can talk with coworkers about their families and outside interests.

Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, said in an email that overall negatively, especially in the workplace, can lead to worse issues.

“Negativity increases anxiety and despondency, which in turn increase stress,” Tessina said. “There are many studies that show how deleterious stress is to your health.  A negative outlook also ‘programs’ your subconscious to look for more negative things, and can easily make the situation seem gloomier than it really is.”

“When you’re complaining about what’s wrong, you’re not looking for ways to improve your situation or circumstances,” she added. “You wind up not being able to see the positive options that are there. A negative attitude can also increase the likelihood that your coworkers won’t get along. Once people start on the fault-finding path, they wind up also being negative toward each other, which creates an unpleasant, edgy atmosphere.”

She has a couple suggestions for being more positive in the workplace.

1)    Be the different voice—find something positive to say about whatever they’re complaining about; or else just ignore the negative conversation. You are not required to join in when the discussion is going downhill.
2)    No one responds well to being told what or how they should think or talk. What you can do is be the ‘Pollyanna’ in the group, searching for the positive possibilities and being a creative thinker. If you don’t follow the herd, the herd may wind up following you.

Tessina said people need to realize they have the power to take charge of their own thoughts and feelings, or they could get out of hand. This is one aspect to consider if you start giving in to negative talk at work or hear other coworkers complaining.

“Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits,” Tessina said. “Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a ‘what’s the use’ attitude, which leads to depression. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress.”

If you’re constantly stressed and prone to negativity, it might be a good idea to look at what types of relationships you’ve built with others, because chances are you’ve surrounded yourself with negativity and relationships that are prone to stress. It’s also beneficial to do some soul-searching and come to terms with what you want to do with your life, so that’s one less thing to become stressed about.

“What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they’re saying to themselves—if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress—just as being followed around by someone who’s constantly carping on you would be stressful,” Tessina said.

April Ricchuito, a yoga/MST therapist, gave her suggestions in an email for combating negativity in the workplace:

1)    “Avoid taking anything personally. This was never about you; it’s about them. Set good, clear boundaries.”
2)    “Learn to meditate. Take three deep breaths and smile before responding, especially when you are irritated.”
3)    “Watch a few funny YouTube videos if you can. Share them with your coworkers.”
4)    “Look up a few office/desk yoga exercises you can do quickly and effortlessly to get grounded and relaxed.”
5)    “If you do choose to speak to coworkers about their outlooks, speak to them privately. Use ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding like you are attacking. Offer to help them: ‘Hey, I noticed you don’t seem as positive as usual. Is anything going on that I can help you with?’”

Denise Altman, the president of the Altman Initiative Group, Inc., said it’s important to find a job that you can look forward to and have passion for – work doesn’t have to be a place you drag yourself to. She also offers the following advice: “Start the day with a positive thought or mantra—post it on your screen saver or Post-it to your computer and think on that when others say negative things.”

Kathi Elster, an executive coach and business strategist at K Squared Enterprises, and coauthor of books like Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself From Emotional Traps At Work, gave a different suggestion to stay positive, even when you’re surrounded by negativity in the workplace. “Do whatever you need to in order to keep your positive mood in check. It might be talking to a friend that makes you laugh, keeping uplifting music on, surrounding yourself with the things that remind you how good life can be—photos, your favorite scents, humorous reminders, cartoons, jokes, etc.”

With the advent of easy plane travel, many larger businesses have grown to include regional, national, and even international customers and work sites. People who work at the higher levels of industries often find their jobs are not done just at their desks, no matter how well connected they are electronically. Business relationships, decisions, and inspections can’t all be done without physically being on-site, and long-distance and extended travel are part of the job.

You may look upon that lifestyle with envy. Well, don’t. Having worked with dozens of families and couples who have held jobs like this, I can tell you, from their experience, that these jobs can take a very heavy toll on satisfying family relationships. Before you make that big job your goal, I hope you’ll first consider what it can demand from your life.

1. Physical toll: Traveling is exhausting no matter what class of seat you have on a plane. When you travel, your body is in a constant state of adjustment to different food, water, accommodations, climate, work expectations, and time zones. Any kind of steady, healthy patterns of sleep, exercise, nutrition, and relationships are interrupted, and it’s rough to try to keep up with good health habits somewhere else.
2. Exit/reentry transitions: Life keeps moving on in your home, despite the traveler’s schedule. When you’re trying to pack, with your mind on the journey ahead, the family may feel your absence even while you are still home. Arriving home can be worse, as you’d love to be welcomed home with excitement, while the one who has been at home may want nothing more than to be relieved of the additional responsibilities he or she has been shouldering.
3. Parenting patterns: When one parent in a family travels for work, the remaining parent has to temporarily become a single parent. Leadership around finances, yard work, car repairs, play dates, and school assignments have to shift to the parent who is home. Children can get accustomed to the traveling parent being the “fun” one who comes home with gifts and days off, leaving the at-home parent as the disciplinarian and enforcer, who becomes used to making parenting decisions solo.
4. Emotional isolation: After spending enough days of the month away from home, it becomes very easy to live two lives: one on the road and the other at home. Even with regular phone, text, email, and Skype connections to those at home, the relationships that develop with those who share the travel with you can become more real to you than the ones you leave behind. Isolation, prestige, repetition, or intensity of the shared work adds to that other-worldliness. It’s at this level of isolation that I have seen long-term affairs, addictions, mood disorders, and health issues surface. These issues are not easily or often repaired.

Human relationships need physical proximity, regular conversation, shared patterns of caregiving, humor, health, and equality to thrive. Trying to have all these while traveling for a job is like trying to juggle three balls when all you’ve ever managed were two. If you are struggling with any or all of these issues as a family or couple, I encourage you to reach out to a family therapist in your area, who can help you manage the human challenges of traveling this much. While it’s not impossible to thrive, it is tough. Best buckle up. The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.