Children who are enrolled in public schools in low-income communities are at a disadvantage both academically and psychologically. These children experience elevated rates of mental health problems due to their environments, family structures, and financial insecurity. At school, their opportunities are restricted as a result of a less than adequate learning environment, minimal resources, and external factors such as increased drug use and violence. All of these factors contribute to diminished behavioral regulation, loss of motivation, and poor academic achievement. Although there are many programs designed to address these issues in urban public schools, few have had substantial success. Obstacles such as feasibility, accessibility, funding, and implementation have prevented them from achieving success. Additionally, the majority of programs are aimed at meeting the needs of the students as a whole, and do not consider the needs of the teachers and children with disabilities.

BRIDGE, Bridging Mental Health and Education in Urban Schools, is a coaching and consultation program that was designed by a team of researchers and created to address all of these issues in urban elementary schools. To test its viability, one of the creators, Elise Cappella of the Department of Applied Psychology at New York University, led a study using 36 classrooms from five different elementary schools in urban communities. After a brief intervention, Cappella and her colleagues saw results.

BRIDGE was directly responsible for increasing emotional support in the classrooms, which gave the children a feeling of security and improved behavioral regulation. The students felt more confident and saw their teacher as an ally, which directly impacted their motivation for success. Overall, the students exceeded the academic, social, and emotional levels of their peers as a result of the teachers’ participation in BRIDGE. Cappella noted that one significant difference between BRIDGE and other programs is the fact that BRIDGE is delivered to teachers by a variety of mental health professionals. This factor makes BRIDGE a program that can be portable, flexible, and easily administered. Teachers are coached in such a way that they become empowered with valuable resources that help bridge the gap often found between students and teachers in disadvantaged school systems. Cappella added, “It is encouraging that a consultation and coaching component of mental health practice based on actual interactions in the elementary classroom and effective strategies to improve these interactions promotes children’s functioning across domains in urban schools.”

Reference:
Cappella, E., Hamre, B. K., Kim, H. Y., Henry, D. B., Frazier, S. L., Atkins, M. S., & Schoenwald, S. K. (2012). Teacher consultation and coaching within mental health practice: classroom and child effects in urban elementary schools. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0027725

I am getting asked more about cybersex and online pornography addiction from therapists. It seems to be a growing problem in their practices. I thought I would address some of the fundamentals regarding how the addiction is sustained by the addict, or what I call the “start-stop relapse cycle.”

Eric is a 46-year-old computer programmer who described how hard it was for him to go “cold turkey” from cybersex during work. “I always go to the same chat room for cybersex. I feel comfortable there, and I typically find a good partner quickly. I always think about cybersex when I feel stressed from work and overwhelmed on the job. I always promise to only do it for a half an hour or hour, but time just slips by. Besides, my drive is stronger than my wife’s, so it won’t hurt, actually it will help our relationship, so I don’t go looking for someone in real life. Afterwards, I realize that I should not do this to my wife and also to my work. My boss will find out one day if I don’t stop doing this in my office. Each time I log off after cybersex, I promise myself that I will never do it again. I hate myself for all the wasted time I spent online and quickly try to catch up on the lost work. I go a few weeks, then the pressure seems to build up inside. I play mind games with myself, telling myself just a little won’t hurt. No one will know what I am doing. Sometimes I actually believe that I am in control. I wear myself down, and the whole process starts all over again and I feel defeated that I will never get rid of these feelings. The temptation is constantly there and relapse is just a click away.”

Relapse is a common struggle for anyone in recovery, but the problem often seems compounded by the need to use the computer while in recovery from cybersexual addiction. The relapse process is especially difficult for the cybersex addict due to the stop-start relapse cycle. The cycle is an internal dialogue that serves to maintain the compulsive behavior.

•    Rationalization – Users will rationalize that cybersex serves as a “treat” from a long, hard day of work often making self-statements such as, “Just a few minutes won’t hurt,” “I can control my net use,” or “I am right here at the computer, what the heck?” The user will try to justify the need to look at a few pictures or chat for a few minutes, but they soon discover that time slips by and the behavior is not so easily contained.

•    Regret – After the cybersexual experience, the users experience a period of deep regret. Once they climax, the addict feels guilt or shame for the behavior such as, “I feel guilty for how this is hurting my wife” or “I can’t believe I wasted all this time,” or “I am a horrible person for what I just did.”

•    Abstinence – The addict views the behavior as a personal failure of willpower and promises never to do it again, and a short period of abstinence follows. During this time, the addict temporarily engages in healthy patterns of behavior, resumes interests in old hobbies, spends more time with his family, exercises, and gets enough rest.

•    Relapse – The addict in recovery feels tempted to return to the computer during stressful or emotionally charged moments. They begin to crave and miss cybersex. They tell themselves that cybersex is the best way to relax and feel good about themselves. Or they begin not to care about the consequences. They remember how good cybersex felt both sexually and emotionally, and they forget how bad they felt afterwards. The rationalization period starts again and the cycle repeats itself.

How does an addict kick the cybersex habit when he or she needs to be on the computer for work? How can the addict stop abusing when relapse is just a mouse click away? Similar to programs that address overeating and food addiction, the addict will need to learn how to make healthy, positive choices about his or her Internet use because complete abstinence isn’t always possible in today’s technological world. There are two basic principles to follow:

Principle One: Learn to moderate legitimate use of the Internet.
Principle Two: Abstain from all contact with sexual material online.

As in food addiction, certain types of food trigger binge behavior. Let’s say chocolate or potato chips will trigger binge behavior but celery sticks will not, so avoidance of those “trigger” foods is a necessary part of recovery. Recovery from food addiction is about relearning how to eat in order to make more informed and healthier food selections, with success being measured through objective goals such as changes in caloric intake and weight loss.

To address cybersexual abuse and addictive behavior, the same basic steps are applied. First, it is important to determine the Internet activities, situations, and emotions that are most likely to trigger net binges. A particular chat room, a certain time of day, or the mood you are in just before you go online may all serve as “triggers” that will lead to inappropriate conduct and abuse. Recovery means relearning how to use the Internet in order to make better choices about time spent online, with success being measured through objective, measurable time management goals and abstinence requirements that are achieved and maintained. Goals should include a reduction in the number of hours you spend online in total, the ability to maintain abstinence from adult online content, and an increase in other offline activities.

Second, the addict must abstain from sexual material online. In this case, it means removing all the bookmarks and favorites leading to these sites, adding filters that prohibit sexual material from getting through the browser, or possibly changing the entire Internet Service Provider (ISP) system to one that is family friendly. These family friendly ISPs stop sexual content from the server end, so there is less chance of relapse. This has been found to be the most effective way to dealing with the addiction.

Related articles:
Super-sizing Sex
The Double Bind of Sex Addiction
Sex Addiction is a Relational Disorder

Many people, but primarily young, educated, Western women, struggle to sustain a positive body image—for a multitude of reasons that have been discussed in previous posts. Often a negative body image leads to a poor relationship with the body and other aspects of self. It is associated with impoverished self-care and unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits.

Having a negative body image is related to general low self-esteem and depression or anxiety. Women with poor body image often struggle with boundaries in relationship to self and others. In this post, I will attempt to shed some light on the issue of boundaries related to poor body image, a concept often discussed and infrequently understood.

Women with poor body image tend to have a compartmentalized approach to well-being. For example, they may be overly focused on certain parts of the body or particular goals, such as weight loss, while devaluing other important aspects of overall health and fitness. People who have poor body image demonstrate an all-or-nothing approach to wellness, swinging from one extreme to the other, sometimes within the same day. They tend to have an exceptional level of acquired knowledge about what is healthy and set idealistic goals based on this knowledge and also are frequently disappointed and blame themselves when they are unable to attain these goals.

The lack of a holistic perspective is evidenced in an inability to balance fitness with relaxation, healthy food choices with enjoyment of food, and so on. Not surprisingly, it is common to hear that they have dissatisfying relationships with others. The all-or-nothing tendency is implicated in their sense of being overwhelmed in relationships. They sometimes become preoccupied with the other person, swinging from feeling too close to feeling uncomfortably vulnerable even feeling lost in a relationship and wanting to cut it off.

The biggest and most obvious issue I see in working with women with poor body image is that most of the information used to make decisions about relationships and well-being comes from external sources. A total and complete lack of trust in the body and the self’s ability to regulate is obvious in their decision making. There is usually a clear history in the development of this lack of trust with regard to personal, familial, and cultural messages that have been internalized. (A full discussion of these factors is beyond the scope of this article). A lack of trust in the body and in the self leads to poor listening and misinterpretation of the cues that emerge from within. After a prolonged period of not paying attention to these signals, one’s ability to understand and act in accordance to one’s own needs becomes weakened. The needs of others become the focus of too much energy and attention, often referred to as a boundary issue.

Boundaries can be physical, mental, or emotional. Clear boundary violations are easy to identify and are well known as something that is usually morally or legally wrong and/or clearly harmful to another person’s safety, integrity, or well-being. However, there is a huge gray area between what is ideal and what is harmful, and sometimes subtle violations can lead to hurt, shame, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. Violations usually happen by the person who is in a perceived position of power, as in the obvious case of an adult taking advantage of or imposing his or her personal needs on a child, or a doctor over a patient. But there are other relationships in which people can feel vulnerable and open to influence, harmful or positive. In these more subtle cases of power and vulnerability, the delivery of emotional (or more direct) messages about the self can also lead to unhealthy attitudes, self-doubt, and low self-worth. For example, people in positions of perceived or felt power who regularly directly or indirectly impose their opinions and choices can influence others to have doubts about their own choices.

A healthy boundary between people is a perceived buffering zone, whereby a felt sense of acceptable difference exists. Respectful support of differences by people in positions of perceived power and influence can help a person grow a strong sense of self and hence the ability to re-enact these perceived boundaries in other relationships. Good boundaries lead to healthy awareness of needs of the self and also positive choices that enhance the sense of self and relationships. Supporting an individual’s development involves a strong sense of self and honoring differences in others, an open attitude of acceptance and humility. A supportive stance involves allowing another person to feel, think, struggle, learn, and identify what is right for him or her without unwelcome advice or control tactics or too much distance or silence.

Recognizing and accepting differences, a supportive stance, involves sharing personal views and opinions with a sense of humility and recognizing that they are indeed personal and individual and should not be imposed on others. Offering help when it is asked for and refraining from taking over, micromanaging, or rescuing another person is important. Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships, and healthy relationships lead to healthy development of individuals.

Where the development of healthy boundaries has been challenged, an individual will often be overly dependent on external information and feedback to feel safe in their decision making and hence may have a poorly developed or negative sense of their own worth. In the case of the person with poor body image, this person becomes adept at information gathering, using perceived feedback to set expectations for the self that are often unrealistic. Perception itself is flawed and is often skewed towards negative, self-fulfilling ideas of self-worth. By engaging in a selection bias, people with low self-esteem will seek out and attend to cues that confirm what they think they know about themselves that is usually negative. In addition, they may believe it is possible to please others all of the time, which is clearly faulty.

Emphasis on interpretation and internalization of other people’s expectations is a recipe for impoverished self-worth. Living according to perceived notions of other people’s expectations often leads to repressed resentment, disempowerment, and disappointment. In some cases, the only way to assert the self is in a passive-aggressive manner, which is usually not received well by others. While indeed it is healthy to have a sense of social expectation and be kind and thoughtful towards others, these behaviors need to be enacted based on a clear and healthy sense of self, which requires an awareness of personal thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and needs and the differences between self and other. Healthy self and healthy relationships interrelate and influence the development of both. The development of clear boundaries has a positive impact on individuals and on others with whom they have relationships.

However, the responsibility for nurturing clear boundaries falls on individuals in a position of power of any kind. Most people in some domain of their lives are in a position to help or hinder the development of another person. It is important that we always be aware of the difference between our own needs and feelings and those of others and to refrain from overstepping and imposing or, conversely, mistakenly taking on responsibility for other people in a way that invalidates or challenges their own development.

Where boundaries were violated, or not properly developed, psychotherapy can help to personalize new ways of being that include more emotional self-awareness and self-regulation, as well as assertiveness and effective communication skills. Healthy boundaries and self-esteem are achievable goals.

Related articles:
Our Bodies/Ourselves
The Vanity Myth: Eating Disorders and Beauty
Self-Esteem and Standards

According to a new study, people who spend more time in natural lighting than in artificial lighting have increased productivity and alertness. Light directly influences the amount of melatonin a person produces, which indirectly affects alertness. “Most people spend their days within buildings under different lighting environments, which range from daylight to artificial light only,” said Mirjam Münch of the Solar Energy and Building Physics Laboratory at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Lausanne, Switzerland. “At most workplaces, there is a mixed situation between the two principal light sources.” Münch added, “For the impact of light perception on nonvisual functions such as alertness, mood, and performance, those lighting conditions are likely to significantly contribute to modulation of alertness and productivity via the retinohypothalamic tract and melanopsin-dependent pathways.” Because few studies have examined the effects of lighting on cognitive performance, Münch and her colleagues conducted a study to determine how natural and artificial light affected cognitive functioning in the evening.

Participants between the ages of 19 and 25 years old were exposed to daylight (DL) or artificial light (AL) for six hours a day for two days. Each evening, after the exposure, the researchers evaluated melatonin and cortisol levels, and rated sleepiness and cognitive functioning and found significant differences in the participants. “Subjects felt significantly more alert at the beginning of the evening after the DL condition, and they became sleepier at the end of the evening after the AL condition,” said Münch. “On their first evening, subjects performed with similar accuracy after both light conditions, but on their second evening, subjects performed significantly more accurately after the DL in both n-back versions and committed fewer false alarms in the 2-back task compared to the AL group.” Münch added, “In summary, even short-term lighting conditions during the afternoon had an impact on cognitive task performance in the evening.” She added, “Such a relationship could be crucial for workers requiring high attention levels and executive functioning, such as bus drivers, industrial workers in sensitive areas, or air-traffic control.”

Reference:
Münch, M., Linhart, F., Borisuit, A., Jaeggi, S. M., & Scartezzini, J.-L. (2011, December 26). Effects of Prior Light Exposure on Early Evening Performance, Subjective Sleepiness, and Hormonal Secretion. Behavioral Neuroscience. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026702

“Like father, like son.”

“Like mother, like daughter.”

These sentiments are often expressed with great joy and pride. Many parents are delighted and honored when their children seek to emulate them. As children grow older and think about what they want to be when they grow up, some choose to be in the same occupation as the parent.

When children opt for the same work roles as their parents, they may have the advantage of a role model who can show them the ropes, provide connections for school or jobs, and set the stage for what it is like to be in the parent’s job. Often, sharing the same job with a parent can increase the attachment between parent and child and make the relationship closer. Sometimes, though, when parent and child have differing ideas about how the work role should be performed or conceptualized,  conflicts might undermine the relationship. Under these circumstances, it may be difficult for the parent to accept that, while their child is drawn to the parent’s work, they have their own ideas about how that work should be done.

Alan and His Father

Alan came to see me about the conflict he was experiencing working in his father’s business, a chain of sporting goods stores. At the time he sought therapy, he had been working for his father for five months. It was especially important to Alan that I understood that he felt like he was working for, not with, his father. He admitted that he was surprised how much he liked the work. It was a fun environment to work in and he could even envision himself taking over the store someday. But he was concerned that he would never be given enough authority or autonomy to  feel like he could implement his ideas. For now, he didn’t feel he could really make the business into his vision of what he wanted it to be. His father had a completely different way of thinking about the stores.

Growing up, Alan had loved going to work with his father. He would help his father stock the shelves and talk about the latest equipment. They would go over every detail of the most recent sports game they had watched together; they were both intense fans of the same teams and this helped to create a profound bond between them.

But as Alan and I talked, some of the underlying issues connected to his conflict about continuing to work for his father began to emerge. Alan began to realize how difficult it was for him to let his father know that he wanted something that was different from what his father wished for. He recalled that, growing up, he didn’t like to get into arguments with his father, so he either just went along or never voiced his own wishes if he thought they would result in conflict.

He remembered how, on the rare occasions that he had tried to assert his own desires against his father’s ideas, his father had become very cold toward him. In middle school he became interested in hard rock music and wanted to learn to play the guitar. His father derided the music as having no value and refused to buy the instrument or pay for lessons. It wasn’t until Alan stopped expressing his wish to learn to play the music that his father resumed his friendly, jovial relationship with him.

After high school graduation, Alan went to an out-of-state college to study business administration. His parents were very supportive and paid his tuition and board. Overall, Alan described his home life as satisfying. Toward the end of Alan’s college, his father began to ask him about his future plans. Although one of Alan’s professors was encouraging him to apply to a company he had some connections with, Alan’s dad began to push his idea that Alan could put his business skills to good use in the sporting goods business. He invited Alan to come and work for him.

Alan’s first thought was, “How am I going to be able to tell him that I don’t want to do this?” Feeling anxious, Alan told his father he would think about it. But his father kept trying to convince him, and Alan began to waiver. Feeling pressured and worried about his relationship with his father, Alan’s agreed to give the sporting goods business a try for a year and then decide if he wanted to stay on or get into the corporate world.

Alan Learns to Assert His Ideas

I asked Alan when the last time was that he and his father had a disagreement, other than this recent conflict about his work. Alan told me that he couldn’t think of one. After their differences about music, Alan didn’t engage his father when they were in disagreement, so Alan’s father didn’t know that Alan had different points of view. Now, Alan believed his father thought that everything was okay and assumed that Alan would stay on in the business even though the agreement was to see what happened after one year.

When Alan realized that it had been a very long time since he tried to assert his own desires against his father’s wishes, he wondered if it was worth a try to speak with his father and address his concerns about his role in the business. He was anxious about how his father would respond to his need to have more authority and to be a partner, not an employee. He worried that if he brought it up, his father would become cold and rejecting as he had in the past. In spite of his worry, Alan decided to risk his father’s reaction. He hoped that if he could convey how much he shared his father’s love for the store, perhaps their differing ideas about the business would be more acceptable.

All Alan wanted was for his father to be able to listen and take his thoughts seriously. He told me, “I have to remember that I’m not eleven years old anymore. If my father gets cold and rejecting, I don’t have to give up what I want to please him. I know that he still loves me. I have to remind myself that I am not doing anything bad to him by being different.”

Self-Assertion is Not an Attack

Alan’s realization captures what a child needs to come to understand about their self-assertion: it is not bad to assert one’s unique, separate self to a parent. While a parent may feel hurt or disrespected, those are feelings, not facts. The child’s challenge is to tolerate the parent’s feeling by being respectful, understanding, and empathic. The child should recognize, “I understand that my parent feels like my differing ideas are an attack on him, but I know that is not how I feel. They are just my ideas.”

Some parents can find it in themselves to understand that their child’s difference from them is not a statement that there is something wrong with the parent. Rather, the child has developed into a separate person who may disagree with the parent. Hopefully, they can both respect the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, there are some parents who find it impossible to consider a child’s individuated, separate self as anything but an attack on their own way of seeing the world. In such cases, there may be nothing a child can do but understand that this is just how the parent feels, and that they can’t take responsibility for the parent’s wounded feelings.

Alan did speak with his father. After much discussion, he was able to help his father understand how he felt when his father treated him like an employee. He began to understand Alan’s wish to work with him, not for him. Alan and his father continue to talk about their work relationship and Alan is much less afraid to speak his mind. He is much happier at work and with himself. It is a work in progress.

Sometimes co-dependents may be identified by their behavior in the workplace. You may think that is impossible, because co-dependents tend to be good employees. They work harder than anyone else, they anticipate the needs of management and the are very dependable. However, there are two types of behavior that often identify them. The first type of behavior may be identified by management and, in some instances, the referral to the Employee Assistance Program may be on a mandatory basis. The second type of behavior generally comes in as a self referral unless it is extreme.

The first type of behavior involves problems with co-workers. The co-workers may complain that the employee is always angry and very stressed. The employee may be bossy, withdrawn or very short with them.. This comes to the manager’s attention and he or she refers them to the Employee Assistance Program. Why does the co-dependent person behave this way? If you remember the first two articles describing how co-dependents are affected in adulthood, you’ll recall that they feel responsible for everybody and everything. They think that it is their job to make certain that everything gets accomplished even if they are not managers. In order to ensure that everything gets done, they over-function. Of course, they expect everybody else to do the same. When people do not, then the co-dependent becomes very resentful. The co-workers can sense the co-dependent’s annoyance. Sometimes, even though it is not their job, the co-dependent may give other workers suggestions. They may also constantly complain to management, implying that the manager is not doing their job. That may or may not be true, but managers do not want that to be implied, especially by someone who reports to them. Occasionally, with this type of problem, the employee may experience enough anxiety or anger, that they decide to seek help, before they are sent to EAP.

The second type of behavior involves a meltdown. This is when the co-dependent becomes extremely upset at work. They may start crying and not stop. They may get so angry that they shout at other people. It may be a co-worker, or it may even be the boss. The co-dependent may be sent home to recover. Sometimes the manager may say to the employee something like, “If you are having some personal issues, the company provides an Employee Assistance Program to help employees with things like that. Or, if the meltdown is severe enough, the co-dependent may finally realize that they could use a little help.

So, what causes such a meltdown? The answer is similar to the last paragraph. Remember that the co-dependent feels that it is their personal responsibility to ensure that everything gets done. If work is behind, they work faster and faster and try to get the impossible done. They may work through breaks and lunch or dinner and come early and stay late. Of course, they would never ask for help because they do not believe that it is okay to do so. They also constrict their anger, frustration and worry until it is coming out of their ears. Just like a pressure cooker or a volcano, they eventually explode. Out comes all the constricted feelings, and to someone who doesn’t know what is happening, it can look pretty scary. Occasionally, I have had managers bring the employee right to our offices, because they are afraid to send them home.

Generally, when the employee comes to see me, we are quickly able to identify that they comes from a dysfunctional family. We identify how they are affected. and try to work on some of their irrational beliefs. They try to figure out what is and what is not their responsibility. This gives them quite a sense of relief. Then we work on the fact that they are powerless over other people, places, and things. Then, we redirect some of the energy they expend trying futilely to control others into working on taking better care of themselves. In just a short period of time they feel dramatically better.

The next article will begin a workbook on healing the co-dependent within us.

Related Articles:
Part I: How Co-Dependents Come into Therapy
Part II – How Co-Dependents Come to Therapy – Teens

“The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.”
– Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends”

AFFAIR  – The word that no married person ever expects or wants to hear. Though 90% of people surveyed say affairs are “wrong,” they are happening every day and in increasing numbers. Here are five facts that are important for married people to know about infidelity.

1. Estimates are that 25%-40% of women and 50%-60% of men will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage.

Affairs happen for many reasons – we commonly hear:

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• My needs were not being met – emotionally or sexually.
• I was bored, unloved or unappreciated.
• I tried to talk with him/her but things didn’t change; the change didn’t last.
• I felt hopeless and gave up trying.
• His work was more important than me.
• The kids were more important than me.
• He didn’t listen; He wasn’t affectionate; He didn’t make me feel special.
• She never wanted to have sex; Having sex was an obligation to her; I couldn’t make her happy; Nothing I ever did was good enough.

Then one day he/she starts talking with someone else of the opposite sex, at work, in the neighborhood, at the gym, on-line, in a chat room and shares the discontent in their relationship. The other person listens with empathy and shares dissatisfaction in his/her relationship. A bond, a sharing of intimacies and emotions; boundaries crossed, secrecy. An affair is born.

2. 85% of affairs begin in the workplace.

Think about the amount of time you spend with your spouse vs. the amount of time you spend with co-workers. Day after day, maybe 40+ hours a week, you and your colleagues share the ups and downs of work; you bond over projects, successes and difficulties at work. The close interaction, travel, and unavoidable closeness may lead to strong friendships and emotional attachments outside your marriage. The workplace provides opportunity and proximity to people outside your family. Women’s increasing entry into the workforce has correlated with a rise in the number of affairs women are having. It’s no wonder the workplace is the most common place affairs start.

3. Emotional infidelity can be as or more damaging to a marriage than physical infidelity.

Innocent flirting and office banter turns into lunch together, texting or emailing in off hours. Correspondence enters the personal realm and you begin to share intimate details about your life and relationship with this person. The secret feels exciting as you hide it from your spouse and rationalize that this is not “cheating” since there is no physical contact; but the emotional attachment you develop with this person can be devastating to your spouse. The more intimate the connection with someone outside your marriage, the deeper the head and heart bond with your spouse becomes compromised. A physical affair may not be far behind.

4. The internet, email, cell phones and Facebook have made it easier for people to cheat.

Curiosity about high school sweethearts, old flames from college and lost loves can be dangerous, especially when there is a drifting or emptiness in your marriage. Romantic memories, alluring and powerful, can lead you down a path of unexpected consequences. With the click of a mouse and the least harmful of intentions you search for an old love. Taking the next step by emailing or friending him/her on Facebook seems harmless enough. However this may begin an unanticipated cascade of dreamy feelings and thoughts. Not sharing this with your spouse can lead to an “accidental affair.” And for the record, flirting and sexual interactions through email, text, pictures and video are cheating.

5. After an affair, 65% of marriages end; 35% of couples continue the marriage.

For some people an affair is a deal breaker and the betrayed partner cannot fathom continuing the relationship under any circumstances. For some the affair is their ticket out of the marriage; the result of a string of events that is the final breaking point in a marriage. Then there are the couples who are uncertain or want to save their marriages after an affair; they end up in our office.

There is hope; some couples do survive and thrive after an affair is revealed. We strongly believe that with therapy, time, patience and work couples can journey together toward deepening their relationship and building a stronger, closer bond than they had before.

One of the cornerstones of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the concept of workability. The aim of ACT is for our clients to create a rich, meaningful, and vibrant life. Workability is how we determine whether a client’s behaviors are serving that end. Usually, people know when their behaviors are not working for them, but because they are often fused with their thoughts, they may have a hard time acting any other way. Instead of bringing them closer to the life they want, their behaviors are more or less a means of struggling with or avoiding painful thoughts and feelings. To demonstrate how this might appear in a therapy session I’d like to present the case of Samantha (Of course names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality):

Samantha is in her late twenties, single, no children, has her own apartment in a suburban neighborhood, a cat, a steady job for the last year and a half, an unused gym membership, and hasn’t been on a date in four years. She complains about her female co-workers being “fake” and “slutty” yet she secretly wants to be like them and to be liked by them. Any time an opportunity arises where she is invited to attend a happy hour with work people, she has an excuse not to attend. She then goes home and cries before opening a pint of ice cream and watching pre-recorded episodes of “fill-in-the-blank-reality-television.” (more…)

Here’s some interesting new insight into the human mind: first perceptions are even harder to overcome than most people had realized. According to research conducted on an international scale, our first impression of a person, place or idea becomes our brain’s default perception. If we later learn information that contradicts that perception, our brain categorizes it as an exception, rather than using the information to alter the rule. Specifically, we associate the exception with the context of that new information; all other contexts get the ‘default’ association. Say, for example, your first impression of a new coworker is negative, but you end up having a pleasant conversation when you run into him or her at the gym and change your mind. In the context of the gym, you’ll see the person more positively, but anywhere else (be it work, or even a new environment such as a restaurant), you’ll still be guided by your first impression.

This insight is especially interesting for therapists and counselors who help clients overcome phobias, said lead author Bertram Gawronski. “If someone with phobic reactions to spiders is seeking help from a psychologist, the therapy will be much more successful if it occurs in multiple different contexts rather than just in the psychologist’s office.” A similar pattern may be relevant for people struggling with profound anxiety and even PTSD. Learning healthy coping strategies in the therapist’s office can be helpful, but the idea of concept-based perception may explain why people sometimes feel less confident in their ability to apply those strategies in their daily life. (more…)

“The phrase ‘working mother’ is redundant.” Jane Sellman

“Making the decision to have a child-It’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I was inspired to write this article by many beautiful, courageous mothers, family, friends and clients.  I believe all moms are working moms, whether working at home and/or out of an office.  When I had my first son almost 10 years ago, I remember how difficult this transition was for me, as a mom who worked out of the home, and I needed all the support in the world. Having a baby for the first time is challenging enough. However, a second adjustment most definitely occurs when a mother returns to work after her baby is born. And if this mommy happens to also have other children, the transition can feel completely overwhelming.

I also want to add that for women who stay-at-home or who work part-time, they are working just as hard…doesn’t matter if work is at home, in an office, or both. Juggling it all can be tough, and all women need and deserve support. This article is geared mostly to the mom who is returning to an office job and/or a job that requires separating from baby. (more…)

When might earning more feel like making less for women? When it comes with the emotional baggage of being the primary breadwinner in a culture where men are expected to bring home the bacon. Earning a good income should be something for women to feel proud of, right? It is an accomplishment, a deserved reward for hard work. Yet many women feel conflicted about their status and ashamed of the role reversal. And this devalues their achievement.

Many women breadwinners downplay their success. Traditional values still dictate that the male partner in a heterosexual relationship should bring home a bigger paycheck. Male self-esteem is often linked with their financial prowess, and society has yet to challenge this expectation. Women’s financial success is such a taboo topic that the high percentage of women in this country who are primary breadwinners may be a surprise to many people. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women are the sole or main breadwinners in almost a third of U.S. households. As the economy continues to falter, this percentage is predicted to climb, since unemployment has hit male-dominated fields the hardest.

Some women become primary breadwinners when they pursue a higher paying job, while their husband/partner chooses a path that offers less remuneration. A woman who is successful in real estate, for example, might earn more than her spouse who is an artist. Even if monetary success is not considered important when choosing a mate, most couples still face cultural expectations associated with this role reversal. Men can feel emasculated, women may be viewed as controlling, and both may worry about what others will think of them. A woman may resent her partner for not being able to support her, or may lose respect for him if he fails to search for better paying work, and a man may resent his breadwinner wife who seems so much more accomplished.

Women also may become sole breadwinners by default when their partner is laid off. Since the start of the recession, three out of four of those recently unemployed are men. This can be particularly devastating for families since women still only earn 78 cents to the dollar when compared to men. Women in these situations face the stress of earning the family paycheck, offering emotional support to a spouse who is often angry and demoralized, and containing their own frustration and resentment.

While ambivalence about breadwinner status may be commonplace, some women relish the opportunity. In one study, Rebecca Meisenbach interviewed female breadwinners and found that although some experienced guilt and resentment over their multiple roles, many were ambitious, took pride in their accomplishments, and enjoyed their independence. These women also found that it was critical to value their spouse’s contributions to the family, regardless of his financial success.

So how can women adjust to the primary breadwinner role, regardless of whether it is obtained by default or free choice? On the job, women need to lobby for equal pay, and challenge long-held misconceptions that men are solely responsible for their families, thereby warranting higher wages. Men and women need to resist judging one another by the size of their paycheck, and support the pursuit of a career path based on what is meaningful and fulfilling. Most importantly, couples need to communicate openly about the impact a woman’s breadwinner status has on their relationship. Partners need to remember what brought them together in the first place. Paying attention to what you enjoy and respect about your partner, how the intimacy you have can enhance your life, and how you can support each other’s career goals can hopefully offset any challenges to the relationship.

References

1. Meisenbach, Rebecca. (2009). The Female Breadwinner: Pheonomenological Experience and Gendered Identity in Work/Family Spaces. Sex Roles. Retrieved from http://www.springerlink.com/DOI: 10.1007/s11199-009-9714-5.
2. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2009). Women in the Labor Force: A Data Book. Retrieved from http://www.bls.gov.

Relationships with our co-workers and bosses can really affect our lives! When they go well our lives are enriched. When they are difficult, we and our families can suffer.

At work, the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you:

• Maintain your Self qualities when you are under the gun: Calm, Clarity, Connection, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, and Confidence
• If something gets in the way of these qualities, it’s probably a Protector Part and/or an Exile. Pay attention to them, and they may let you get back to your Self qualities and Self leadership.

Read on to find out how Internal Family Systems can help you at work. (more…)