Man in business wear sits on bench, holding his headAnxiety can manifest in a variety of ways in the human body. It can make us tense in our large, voluntary muscles, activate the involuntary muscles of our internal organs, and even cause changes in our thinking, sensation, and perception. I want to focus here on one particular pattern of anxiety—anxiety in the smooth muscles—and the style of self-punitive thinking that is associated with it.

Smooth muscle anxiety is linked with a wide range of physical problems that are emotional in origin but can be mistaken as medical, which can lead to misspent health care dollars, lost time, and dashed hopes. It is my hope to help you identify manifestations of smooth muscle anxiety, learn about the thoughts linked with smooth muscle anxiety, and gain exposure to intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy, a model that has demonstrated effectiveness in treating smooth muscle anxiety.

What Are the Smooth Muscles?

The smooth muscle systems of the body include the gastrointestinal system, the vascular system, the bronchi, and the urogenital system. There are also smooth muscles in our skin and eyes. The muscles are called smooth because they are made up of small, mushy, somewhat elastic cells. They differ from our skeletal muscles, which have long, striated fibers that are less flexible.

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When our smooth muscles are functioning as they should, they regulate our blood pressure, digestion, sexual and excretory functions, and breathing—functions that are essential to human survival. However, the smooth muscles are linked to the emotional center of the brain by the nervous system, and they can be activated in response to anxiety (Janig, 2003). So what happens when anxiety impacts the smooth muscles? What symptoms are linked with dysregulation of the smooth muscle systems?

Conditions Linked with Smooth Muscle Activation

The following conditions are associated with involuntary tensing of the different smooth muscle systems (Abbass, 2015):

Are Types of Thoughts Associated with Smooth Muscle Anxiety?

Clinical researchers, especially in the literature on intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy, have noted an association between self-attacking thoughts and smooth muscle symptoms. While it is not clear whether the self-punitive thoughts can cause a stomachache or migraine, harsh thoughts and smooth muscle symptoms do seem to show up together.

In ISTDP, we use collaborative, exploratory questions to support people as they learn to reflect on the emotions that are making them anxious and triggering self-attack.

Here’s a smattering of thoughts I have heard lately that have shown up alongside smooth muscle symptoms in people I work with:

As these examples from my practice demonstrate, negative thoughts going against the self seem to co-occur with nausea and migraines. If you find that these kinds of thoughts co-occur with your IBS, migraine, or other physical symptoms, or seem to trigger them, you may be experiencing smooth muscle anxiety that has been diagnosed as a medical syndrome.

What Triggers Self-Attack and Smooth Muscle Anxiety?

Clinical research in ISTDP has demonstrated a link between complicated, mixed emotions toward loved ones, tendencies toward self-attacking thinking, and smooth muscle anxiety (Abbass, 2015). The theory of smooth muscle anxiety in ISTDP, which has been repeatedly supported by my experiences as a therapist as well as in case series data (Abbass, 2002) and empirical research (Creed, et al., 2003; Guthrie, et al., 1993), is that mixed emotions toward our attachment figures trigger anxiety. These mixed emotions are anxiety- and guilt-laden because it feels dangerous to have rage toward people whom we long to be close with and depend on.

Because of the anxiety and guilt associated with these feelings, the feelings are repressed—not thought about or reflected on. In fact, self-attacking thoughts seem to have the function of turning the anger toward the loved one back against the self with harsh thoughts and against the body with smooth muscle activation. The beloved person is protected from the anger, and the body and the self are punished. It is almost as though an unconscious, automatic part of the mind says, “How dare you have rage toward your beloved! You must redirect the rage toward yourself and your stomach to protect them!”

The Role of ISTDP in Healing

In ISTDP, we use collaborative, exploratory questions to support people as they learn to reflect on the emotions that are making them anxious and triggering self-attack. Increased reflective awareness of emotions seems to reduce the anxiety connected to them—if it can be thought about, talked about, and felt, it is no longer as scary or guilt-ridden. The complicated emotions we have about our loved ones are no longer unconscious (out of awareness) and frightening but can be seen and felt by the light of day and recognized for what they are—just feelings! People learn that they have been getting punished for emotions, which are mental, bodily events that are not inherently dangerous or wrong. Fear and guilt about emotions are replaced with thoughtfulness, openness, and comfort (Abbass, 2015).

If you are experiencing self-attacking thoughts and smooth muscle anxiety and are looking for systematic support in overcoming the automatic emotional factors that trigger your symptoms, ISTDP may be a useful treatment for you.

References:

  1. Abbass, A. (2002). Office based research in ISTDP: Data from the first 6 years of practice. Ad Hoc Bulletin of Short-term Dynamic Psychotherapy, 6, 5-14.
  2. Abbass, A. (2015). Reaching through resistance: Advanced psychotherapy techniques. Kansas City, MO: Seven Leaves Press.
  3. Creed, F., Fernandes, L., Guthrie, E., Palmer, S. Ratecliffed, J., & Read, N. (2003). The cost-effectiveness of psychotherapy and paroxetine for severe irritable bowel syndrome. Gastroenterology, 124, 303-317
  4. Guthrie, E., Creed, F., Dawson, D., & Tomenson, B. (1993). A randomized controlled trial of psychotherapy in patients with refractory Irritable Bowel Syndrome. British Journal of Psychiatry, 163, 315-321.
  5. Janig, W. (2003). The autonomic nervous system and its coordination by the brain. In Davidson, R. J., Scherer, K. R., & Goldsmith, H. H. (Eds.), Handbook of affective sciences (pp. 135-187). Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Woman looks away from mirror, downcast, while her reflection smilesHow can being in therapy improve your self-esteem? Once we understand both the roots of self-esteem and the essence of therapy, the answer becomes clear.

Self-esteem has been described in many ways, but it can be thought of—and experienced—most simply as the absence of needless shame. In a sense, high self-esteem is the opposite of chronic shame.

This has nothing to do with thinking everything you do is great or even okay; it’s not an evaluation of your behavior or how “great” you are. People with high self-esteem may criticize their own behavior at times. They can afford to be realistic about how they’re doing because their basic worth as human beings isn’t in question. People with low self-esteem (i.e., those who experience chronic, needless shame), on the other hand, may display a need to be right all the time, or may tend to see themselves as “better” than others. Such tendencies may help compensate for a fragile sense of worth.

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How Low Self-Esteem Typically Develops

Most of us learn in childhood we’re far from perfect, and that our words and actions sometimes make other people unhappy. Since kids typically have a hard time mentally separating themselves from their behavior, hundreds of behavior corrections over the course of childhood can lead to shame about the self: If Johnny does something wrong, Johnny feels he IS wrong—as a person.

One of the psychological products of childhood, then, is some level of subconscious shame. Many adults still tell themselves silently all the time, “There’s something wrong with me.” This is low self-esteem.

How Therapy Improves Self-Esteem

Once in therapy, people begin (usually cautiously) to share their inner thoughts and feelings with the therapist. If the therapist responds with acceptance and compassion rather than judgment or correction, the person in therapy generally relaxes into what can be an extremely productive therapeutic relationship.

With consistent acceptance, compassion, and understanding from the therapist, the person in therapy risks sharing even more “shameful” parts of themselves during sessions. When the therapist continues to respond with acceptance, a brand-new idea is born inside the person: “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me after all.” This is how low self-esteem is often healed.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself.

Just as needless shame is the product of a lack of acceptance through necessary social corrections (“Don’t pick your nose in public,” for example), its opposite, high self-esteem, blooms in an atmosphere of acceptance.

Your attitude toward yourself (“I’m okay” as opposed to “I’m not okay”) is not a fact, but a belief. Whatever you believe about yourself is based on experience. For example, if you received a lot of corrections in childhood, as most of us did, you may believe you’re essentially bad and need to be corrected.

To change unwanted beliefs about yourself, you need a different experience on which to base a new belief. This is what psychotherapy offers.

Therapy creates an experience of being basically acceptable instead of basically wrong, and this naturally improves self-esteem. By treating you as acceptable, the therapist models a different way for you to relate to yourself. Using that model, you can continue to improve your self-esteem between therapy sessions and long after therapy has ended.

It doesn’t matter what type or school of therapy you do—as long as you experience your therapist as accepting and affirming rather than judgmental or critical. If you feel as though you’re being judged or criticized, the first thing to do is talk with your therapist about it. If your therapist responds in any way other than with kindness, openness, and humility, it’s time to seek a different therapist. Your self-esteem is too important to place in the wrong hands.

North star in early evening skyAs a therapist, I hear the word “should” often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety, a precipitous drop in self-esteem, or a sudden crying jag: “I should be over this by now!”

What is it about “should” that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll try to answer those questions. I’ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that “should”-ing.

‘Shoulds’ as Aspirations and Values

Psychology thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the “ego ideal,” that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of “north star”—we can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.

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This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, “I should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.” In this example from my own life, the “should” came from a place of self-love and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those “shoulds” became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate myself with?

‘Shoulds’ as Self-Punishments

“I should have known better!”

“I shouldn’t have done that!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?

When we “should” ourselves in this way, it’s like saying, “You should be able to touch your north star—if you had paddled hard enough, you’d be there by now!” This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as “perfectionists.” In perfectionism, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their “ego ideal.” Sadly, self-criticism and varying levels of anxiety and depression usually ensue.

‘Shoulds’ in Relationships

“You should stand up for me!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible.

“You should know how I’m feeling!”

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, “You should be more like …” essentially translates to, “You should not be you!” If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don’t seem to like that.

What ‘Shoulds’ Can Distract Us From

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of “should” in our relationships with ourselves and others?

To me, “should” seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud would call a “denial by fantasy” (Freud, 1936). When we “should” ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things “should” be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life’s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger, and other mixed emotions.

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that “should” can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of “what should be,” we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.

If You Want Help with ‘Shoulds’

If you find your thinking dominated by “should,” try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life “should” be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with “shoulds.”

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into “shoulds.” If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your “shoulds,” I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life’s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you “should” be.

References:

  1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
  2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. New York: International Universities Press.
  3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition, 14: 73-102.

Sad woman being comforted by partner in bedWhen I work with people who have difficulty expressing what they want and need, especially to their significant others, it is apparent feelings about hurting the other can create a fierce resistance to the authentic expression of self. As a therapist, my job is to find a way to help people navigate between consideration of the other’s feelings and honoring their own wishes and desires.

For some, realizing they have wounded someone they care about, even unintentionally, can cause painful regret and self-attack. Frequently, I find I must help people accept that they can and sometimes should choose to express themselves knowing it might hurt someone they love. My challenge is how to help someone accept that hurting and being hurt comes with the territory of love and relationships.

Identification with the Other

Mark, who has been married to Cynthia for five years, talks about how much he loves his wife and how difficult it is to make choices for himself when she disapproves of those choices: “Cynthia is such a strong person. She always seems to know what she wants and what is right for us. I wanted to take a relaxing beach vacation since work has been so crazy, but she insisted we do something more interesting. When I tried to push and said how tired I was, she started to cry and told me I should know how much she hates the beach and how it hurt her feelings that I would even suggest it. I felt really terrible and mean. She’s right: I should never have brought it up.”

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Mark and I explored his reaction to Cynthia and his feelings of guilt and cold-heartedness for not recognizing he would hurt her by expressing his wishes. Mark found it difficult to consider that he hadn’t done something unforgivable. He was consumed with self-loathing and seemed devastated as he put his head in his hands and told me: “I always feel like the world’s worst person when I hurt her so badly. It shakes me up and I hate myself.”

Mark was not aware of how he identifies with Cynthia’s feelings and experiences her pain as if it were his own: “I know just how she feels when I do that to her. I’ve felt that so many times in my life, especially when my older sisters would be mean to me. I never want to make anyone, especially the woman I love, feel so awful.”

His recounting of his experiences with his sisters led us to focus on how Mark identifies with Cynthia and assumes her hurt feels exactly like his hurts of so many years ago, inflicted with malice. I asked Mark if he could imagine not feeling so viscerally that he had hurt her and instead feel sad or sorry for his behavior. I pointed out, “You identify with Cynthia and experience her pain as if it were your own. It seems difficult to step back a little and just feel badly that your wishes hurt her and be concerned, rather than taking on and experiencing her feelings. Identifying this way makes it very difficult to allow yourself to be free to express your needs and cope with your impact. You also end up attacking yourself and feeling like a bad person when it feels like you have so seriously wounded your wife.”

Mark acknowledged he often felt paralyzed to express his wishes but found it confusing to consider he could have a choice and not identify with Cynthia. I introduced the idea of empathy to Mark as an alternative to identification. We have begun to work on what it would mean and how it would feel to be empathic (being compassionate and sensitive to feelings without having the feelings) rather than identifying. This is not yet a distinction Mark can easily understand, and we continue to work on this. We will also continue our exploration of how Mark develops his identification reaction when a significant other is hurting.

Early Family Communications About Hurt and Hurting

Some children grow up in families where parents communicate that any negative impact the child makes on the parent will not be tolerated. This means the child cannot disagree, create conflict, or express any thoughts or feelings which negatively affect the parent. Under these circumstances, the parent’s response when they feel the child has hurt them is typically a communication that the child has inflicted pain and suffering on the parent. This is frequently experienced by the child as a sign of the child’s “badness.”

When a child’s early experience is that they have the power to inflict such hurt and distress on a parent, they are likely to take on that “bad person” feeling. Thus, feelings of shame, anxiety, and worries about being destructive can become part of the child’s identity. The degree to which this is felt and internalized may depend on where on the continuum of possible responses the parent’s reaction falls. The parent’s negative responses may range from a quiet and subtle withdrawal of love or connection, to guilt- and fear-inducing accusations of “you hurt me” or “you’re mean,” to aggressive physical punishment.

This kind of negative emotional response from a parent may severely interfere with the child’s ability to develop a positive sense of self and impair the capacity to assert their wishes and desires to others. The expression of any sense of agency can create anxiety about the risk of negatively impacting the other, along with worry they are doomed to experience the feelings that have come to be part of the “bad person” identity.

Part of the work for these people in therapy is to get comfortable with being hurt and hurting as a normal component of relationships. This doesn’t mean one shouldn’t feel badly or sorry when they inflict hurt. It does mean it is necessary to address old responses of feeling devastated (identification) when a loved one is hurting, as well as the “bad person” feelings of shame and self-hate.

Jana, 29, was very angry in her session with me as she recounted a memory when she was 5 or 6: “My parents divorced, and my father left me and my younger brother with my mother. I was sad all the time and scared. My mother went to work, and we had a babysitter. I remember pulling on my mother and crying, ‘Don’t go, don’t go.’ I was beside myself. She told me to stop it, that I was making her feel bad and hurting her feelings. I’m not absolutely sure she said this to me, but I think she said something like it was mean of me to make her feel like a bad mother. I think she said that a lot. She hasn’t changed. She’s the mean one. That icy cold voice comes out of her even now when I’m upset about something or need something from her.”

I remarked, “You seem angry at her now. How did you express anger growing up?”

Jana sighed, “I am angry now. But I could never let myself get angry at her when I was growing up. I couldn’t really let myself feel angry feelings toward her until a few years ago, after I started to work with you. I was always the bad one; I felt I was always hurting her. I especially remember hurting her if I didn’t say the right thing to my grandparents. I absolutely remember her telling me I was mean to make her look like a bad daughter because of something I said or didn’t say to my grandparents. I don’t know what she wanted. It was so unpredictable. I remember this awful feeling in my stomach, like I was going to throw up. For so many years, I felt like a disgusting person.”

Jana has increasingly been able to understand her child self was not to blame for her mother’s hurt feelings and that her behaviors were not bad or mean, even if her mother experienced them that way. She is now better able to be angry with her mother and recognizes her overwhelming feelings of shame and anxieties about her impact on others are related to her early experiences.

Nevertheless, she has not been able to give up the wish for her mother to affirm her goodness. She continues to struggle to maintain a more positive sense of herself and disavow the “bad person” feelings. Contact with her mother is her biggest challenge to accepting her goodness and shedding her sense of herself as a disgusting person. Fortunately, Jana’s awareness of her situation, and her commitment to herself to grow an identity in which she can comfortably express who she is, is powerful motivation to keep growing.

For Jana and Mark, there is a strong drive to suppress their thoughts and feelings rather than risk “bad person” feelings and/or their own pain should they hurt a significant other. For any person who has to fight “bad person” feelings, it becomes necessary to loosen the hold on the idea that the other’s hurt is the consequence of their behavior and/or badness. Rather, they need to recognize that the other’s feelings of being hurt don’t always correspond to having been treated in a hurtful manner.

It may sound glib to say “hurt happens,” but it does. This doesn’t mean behavior isn’t sometimes intentional and meant to hurt and destroy. However, when I think about the people I help and their early experiences in their families, they were not helped to be comfortable with their nondestructive or non-mean behavior if the other felt impacted in hurtful ways. (I am not addressing hurtful behavior when it was intentional.) Part of the work for these people in therapy is to get comfortable with being hurt and hurting as a normal component of relationships. This doesn’t mean one shouldn’t feel badly or sorry when they inflict hurt. It does mean it is necessary to address old responses of feeling devastated (identification) when a loved one is hurting, as well as the “bad person” feelings of shame and self-hate. These old responses do not serve the individual’s needs for self-esteem, agency, and authenticity.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Happy child with short curly hair holds sunflower to face in fieldSelf-compassion is one of those terms that has gained popularity of late but remains misunderstood by many. Self-compassion comes down to treating yourself as you would treat someone else you care about—with kindness, understanding, and the awareness that everyone is human, imperfect, but still inherently worthy.

Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas at Austin was the first person to operationalize, or create a way to define and measure, the idea of self-compassion. She and other researchers since have found three essential components to self-compassion. These are self-kindness, common humanity—which refers to understanding the things we criticize ourselves about are both universal and part of being human—and mindfulness.

Mindfulness, at its most basic level, refers to present-moment, nonjudgmental awareness. The practice of mindfulness has been linked to numerous mind-body benefits, including the ability to notice the thoughts and feelings that tend to cause us suffering—without holding them close, pushing them away, or automatically identifying with them.

Although many of us could identify people we believe would benefit from taking a closer and perhaps more constructively critical look at themselves, there is a large subgroup of people who tend to be overly self-critical. This can come in the form of unfair comparisons, such as, “I’ll never be as good as so-and-so,” to frequent catastrophizing (“I’ve really messed up, and now my life is ruined for good!”), to conditional self-worth (“I’ll be okay/worth something/lovable only when I am [insert criterion here]”).

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Why We Self-Criticize

I’ve noticed a tendency toward chronic or constant self-criticism in those whose parents praised only exceptional behavior (leading to the belief, “If I’m not the best, I am the worst”), spent a lot of time fault-finding, or, in extreme cases, were abusive. If the inner stream of criticism sounds uncannily like the critical statements someone else used to tell you, take note. That’s useful information if you decide to pursue therapy.

Among the many downsides to constant self-criticism: it can leave one either overly vulnerable to feeling criticized—even in response to constructive feedback—and can also lead to projecting self-criticism onto others (and becoming hyper-critical in general). In addition, self-criticism erodes self-esteem and can leave one feeling depressed, anxious, or hopeless.

Why We Resist Self-Compassion

Often people resist the idea of self-compassion because they believe self-criticism is a necessary tool that protects them from “slacking off,” being a “bad” person, or otherwise becoming something they associate with personal failure (“fat,” “alone,” “lazy,” “unlovable,” etc.). People may also feel counter-identified with a parent or other family member who exhibited undesirable qualities, and thus, the self-critical voice may feel necessary to avoid winding up like that person. Similarly, they may worry that without being self-critical, they will fail to take responsibility for the things they do, and perhaps will lack compassion for others (because of the self-indulgence they associate with self-compassion).

The good news is the research on self-compassion has found that the practice is associated with being more compassionate with others, greater altruism, and greater likelihood to forgive others.

The good news is the research on self-compassion has found the practice is associated with being more compassionate with others, greater altruism, and greater likelihood to forgive others. In addition, self-compassion has been linked to being more likely to take responsibility for one’s own actions, greater happiness, increased motivation, and greater self-worth.

Some simple ways to enhance self-compassion include the following:

  1. Ask yourself, “Is the way I am thinking about myself the way I would respond to a close friend or other loved one?” If the answer is no, imagine how you would treat others who found themselves in a similar situation. What would you say? What recommendations would you make? How would you offer comfort? How would you help this person reframe their take on things?
  2. Write down the answers to the above questions. Now, viewing yourself from the perspective of the observer, speak to yourself in the same compassionate tone, using the language you would use with someone you care about.
  3. Remember you, like everyone else, are human. Humans are imperfect, yet born with inherent worth. Most of the things you have suffered over are universal in some way.
  4. Remind yourself of the truisms. Mistakes are one of the ways in which we learn. Challenges present opportunities to grow stronger. No one is perfect.
  5. Practice mindfulness daily. Set aside time for formal practice, such as breath awareness, and strive to be present for your life in general—however it is in this moment.

References:

  1. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Social Psychology Bulletin, 38, 1133-1143.
  2. Germer, G. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 69, 856–867. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/germer.neff.pdf
  3. Neff, K. D., & Pommier, E. (2012). The Relationship between Self-compassion and Other-focused Concern among College Undergraduates, Community Adults, and Practicing Meditators. Self and Identity, 1-17 (iFirst article). Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/Neff.Pommier.pdf

GoodTherapy | 'You're So Impressionable' Isn't the Insult You Think It IsWhen I was a child, I heard a phrase that stuck in my memory: “You’re so impressionable.” I mulled over this phrase, trying to understand its meaning. One thing that was clear was that it was a criticism. It was wrong to be impressionable—to allow others to influence you, affect your behavior, change your mind. If you were deemed impressionable, it meant you were weak, you had no personality of your own, and you were easy prey for others to manipulate.

These seem like legitimate concerns. Clearly, there are dangers in being too impressionable, too easily swayed by others’ opinions or actions, and unable to choose for yourself. Heed the parental warning: “If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?”

But we mustn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just as every coin has two sides, so does being impressionable. There are positive attributes to being impressionable that should be encouraged. The ability to allow people, ideas, and experiences outside of ourselves to make an impression on us is also a gift and a skill.

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It’s a gift when a person can read an inspiring quote and become inspired. To be susceptible to the powers of a good movie or book to alter our perspectives on an issue, a person, or even ourselves is growth. Art has the power to alter our view of the world in very positive ways, if we allow it.

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

The world is full of people who have learned things we could all learn, enjoying things we could all enjoy, behaving in ways that would benefit us all. Whether it’s learning compassion from Mother Theresa or the joy of baking from Martha Stewart, the more we let others influence us, the fuller we get.

Years ago, I observed with awe as my friend Lorraine moved through a room full of strangers, greeting people warmly as if she were the host. It was amazing to see people respond to her, sometimes welcoming and sometimes dismissing, while she floated through the crowd unfazed by rejection, enjoying herself. This presented a new way of behaving for me. I usually just chatted with the one or two people I was with. I admired her freedom and playfulness. She took me for a lap around the room and I got to experience firsthand what it was like to be that friendly and engaging. Ever since I have attempted to incorporate her behavior into my own.

In therapy, I often see people who experience depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. The scale of what is influencing them is imbalanced. Fear, self-criticism, and negative beliefs are being listened to as if they’re gospel. Positive beliefs, on the other hand, such as hope, love, and beauty, are banging on a locked, steel door, hoping to be let in. These people would benefit greatly from becoming more easily influenced by positive messages in their lives.

There is no denying that life can be difficult. In life, there is both pain and fear. But there is also no shortage of beauty and inspiration surrounding us. To become impressionable to beauty might allow the sunlight, caught in a raindrop on a leaf, to spread the warmth of happiness through your chest, like sipping a warm cup of tea. Hearing a beautiful piece of music might reignite your faith in humankind.

Those inspiring quotes on Hallmark cards, Facebook, or Pinterest might actually be speaking to you. And they just might serve you better than the fear and loathing in your head.

heart mug with macarons“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

When Henry Ford first conceived of the V8 motor, his engineers told him it was simply impossible to cast an 8-cylinder engine block in just one piece. Ford told the engineers to do it anyway. He instructed them to try until they succeeded, no matter how long it took. If they wished to remain employed by Ford, this was their one and only task. After more than a year of trying with no results, Ford told them to continue. Shortly after, the first V8 motor was built.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative. Imagine spending your whole day listening to a recording of whining, complaints, and criticisms. What many people fail to recognize is that they are listening to these types of thoughts in their head on repeat every day.

Our programming can become so ingrained in us that we may not be aware of its existence. Thoughts such as “I’m not good at anything,” “Life is hard,” or “People can’t be trusted” may cross our minds so frequently that we begin to recognize them as facts and no longer question the possibility that things could be different.

The word affirmation comes from the Latin affirmare, which means “to strengthen and make steady.” Affirmation statements are affirming that something is true for us. The purpose of positive affirmations is to affirm to ourselves that things are good even if we don’t necessarily feel that way at the time.

Positive affirmations have the power to transform lives. They play a significant role in many therapeutic models—including cognitive behavioral therapy, a treatment for depression. Positive affirmations are also at the forefront of many 12-step rehabilitation programs.

[fat_widget_right]Carefully constructed positive affirmations can “rewire” our brains to break negative thought patterns. Similar to exercise, positive affirmations can actually increase the amount of feel-good hormones in our brains. Positive thoughts create positive emotions, which can actually change our physiology and improve our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here are 15 positive affirmations that can help change your life:

1. I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

This affirmation can increase your self-esteem and self-worth. You are what you believe you are!

2. I have the power within me to create the life I desire.

This empowering statement can help you recognize that you alone have the power to create the life you want. Honor your power to choose by choosing thoughts and actions that positively contribute to your life.

3. Each new day is filled with infinite potential and possibility.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Tomorrow is a new day.” Every new day brings with it new opportunities. Carpe Diem. Seize the day by making the most of the opportunities available to you.

4. I am so grateful for my life and all its blessings.

An attitude of gratitude can not only boost your mood and increase your awareness of all the blessings you already possess, but it also serves to attract even more good things into your life.

5. I forgive myself and hold myself in a state of compassion.

Forgiveness can free us from past burdens and allow us to operate from a clean slate. Love yourself, recognize that you did the best you could in the past, and strive to continue to learn and do better in the future.

6. I love and accept myself just the way I am.

The simple act of self-acceptance can radically transform your life. A healthy relationship with yourself is necessary if you wish to have healthy relationships with others.

7. I am strong in my values and confident in my abilities.

Strong values and self-confidence can keep you feeling empowered, strong, and capable of taking on life’s challenges.

8. I let go of the past, surrender concerns about the future, and openly receive the experience of the present moment.

When we let go of the past, it no longer has power over us. Choose to live in the present moment and remain open to its possibilities.

9. I continue to learn, grow, and evolve with each passing day.

Remembering that each day is a new opportunity for learning may make it easier to let go of the past and remain excited about the future.

10. I attract experiences that serve my highest good and facilitate personal growth and transformation.

A negative attitude can invite negative experiences. By keeping a positive perspective, we can openly embrace experiences that serve to help us grow and become better people.

11. My life is filled with meaning, purpose, and passion.

Seeking out meaningful experiences that ignite our passions can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our lives.

12. I have positive, healthy, and supportive relationships with my loved ones.

Reminding ourselves that we wish to have healthy and supportive relationships in our lives can remind us to treat others with kindness, compassion, and respect. It can also empower us to stand up for ourselves by creating healthy boundaries in our relationships.

13. I am confident in my talents, strengths, gifts, and abilities.

Being confident in your gifts and strengths can give you the courage needed to put yourself out there and seize the opportunities presented.

14. I have the courage and tenacity to overcome any challenge I face.

There’s no doubt that life can sometimes be difficult. Regularly reminding ourselves of our courage and tenacity can provide us the strength needed to get through even the toughest of times.

15. I freely give and receive unconditional love and acceptance to myself and others.

Life is of little meaning without love. Reminding ourselves to be open to giving and receiving love can be important, especially after loss. Rather than guard your heart, choose to remain open to the love that is all around you.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative.The more personal the affirmations are, the more likely they are to work for you. Try using the above affirmations as a guide to aid you in creating your own affirmation statements. Start by identifying your negative thought patterns and creating positive countering statements. For example, a phrase such as “I’m not good at anything” may become “I always do my best.”

Affirmations are most effective when implemented into a daily routine. Your own quotes can be read, spoken aloud, and thought several times throughout the day.  Repetition is key. The more you say it, the more you may believe it.

Affirmations are more than simply repeating words, however. Though the process may seem silly if you’re new to it, affirmations have the power to drastically improve lives by freeing people from their own negativity and self-doubt. Using affirmations is a practice of recognizing and changing your thoughts on a daily basis. Eventually, positive thoughts can transform your cognitive patterns and negative thoughts may become less prominent. The more you can consciously choose your thoughts, the better your life can be.

“Thoughts become things, choose the good ones.” —Mike Dooley

References:

  1. Ford Motor Company Timeline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://corporate.ford.com/company/history.html
  2. Fundukian, L. J., Ed. (2011). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine, Vol. 2, 4th ed. (pp. 1061–1064). Detroit, MI: Gale
  3. Harra, C. (2013, July 6). 35 Affirmations That Will Change Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/affirmations_b_3527028.html
  4. Hay, Louise L. (2010, June). How to use affirmations. Going bonkers, Vol. 4, Issue 3, 58–61.
  5. Hill, N. (1987). Think and grow rich. New York: Fawcett Books.
  6. Maxwell, C. (2014, October 6). Self-Talk: Shifting Negative Thoughts to Positive. Retrieved from http://www.askdrmaxwell.com/2014/10/positive-thinking-self-talk/

Woman looking thoughtfully out the windowKnowledge is a powerful resource for navigating life. We have endless internal dialogues that assist with interpretation of information and decision-making. Knowing why we think the way we think is the gold standard for healthy functioning. It affords us an opportunity to appreciate where we are in life and to choose where to go from there, a starting point for change.

Unhealthy thinking is, in large part, a function of negative belief systems, often installed by others and reinforced by our childhood experiences. Many people exhibit profound self-doubt, blame themselves, apologize profusely, and excuse their parents’ abusive behavior. This constellation of negative beliefs and behaviors presents in conjunction with stories of verbal and physical abuse that begins in childhood and follows people into adulthood. The longer we think a particular way, the harder it is to change our thoughts and beliefs.

I am a psychotherapist in private practice. Here is a hypothesis for consideration: Parents raise their children in their own image to fit into the world the way they see it. I ask people who come to me for therapy to stop and think about the developmental and environmental realties of their childhoods. I remind them that kids are captive learners who have no choice, no voice, and no mobility.

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There is a big difference between grieving that you didn’t get what you needed as a child and spending your life blaming parents for your life as an adult. A middle-aged man told me he had stomped out of a doctor’s office because his physician asked him how he felt about being hit by his father. He tearfully pointed his finger and said, “My dad was a good man, a hard worker, and I probably deserved what I got.” It was a clear message to me that the subject was off limits. It was a defensive response.

Interestingly, the man’s presenting issue was that he was “at his wit’s end” trying to cope with a 30-year-old son’s excessive pot smoking and slovenly behavior. The daily arguments were driving him and his wife crazy, but neither had successfully implemented and enforced boundaries in their own home.

Why did a middle-aged man protectively defend his deceased father when, as an adult, he never tolerated being hit by others? He relied on a system of justifying his dad’s abuse while blaming himself because it once worked. He learned to be a peacekeeper at a young age. It reduced the likelihood that his dad would get angry and violent. However, this role did not allow the man to honor his true feelings about being hit, berated, and shamed.

He was profoundly uncomfortable, consumed with constant doubt about his worth and ability. He’d worked for five companies but had been let go because he was “a loyal employee but an ineffective leader.” His home life was less than satisfying. The worse things got, the more he loved and the harder he tried to make peace. He parented his son from this place of low self-esteem. He was incapable of setting reasonable limits, highly deferential to the needs and wants of his wife and children. His coping system ceased to work, but he didn’t know how to change it.

We owe it to ourselves to identify why we do what we do. Then, we may decide whether we still want or need to stay with the program. Defensive responses are protective and serve a purpose. A great example of this is the use of avoidance. Most people who avoid refer to themselves as “lazy” or say “I’m a procrastinator.” Two significant things are successfully happening. One, they internalize the blame. It may not be pleasant to criticize oneself for being lazy, but it reduces the likelihood of argument. This is terrific for people who hate conflict. Two, it bypasses being angry with others and helps us feel in control.

Early coping strategies for dealing with life, especially for navigating interactions with others, are rooted in familiarity. People rely on and repeat these even when the results are painful and no longer work.

Anger gets a bad rap in our culture, which suggests that to be angry is to be out of control. It is an appropriate affect in certain situations. There are normal ranges for angry expression, as there are for all emotions. Anger is frequently role-modeled in extremes—demonstrations of screaming, verbal put-downs, and physical violence.

Early coping strategies for dealing with life, especially for navigating interactions with others, are rooted in familiarity. People rely on and repeat these even when the results are painful and no longer work. The human drive for consistency pulls dominance over curiosity for exploring new ways of coping. These methods worked well at some point in life, especially during childhood, when they were appropriate for emotional and physical survival.

Compartmentalization and detachment are subconscious coping mechanisms. The same man adamantly defends his father’s dictatorial parenting style but parents his children with a “marshmallow” approach—no rules or consequences. One part of him agrees with and condones his dad’s treatment of him. Another part parents in a diametrically opposed manner. It’s fascinating to observe these disconnects in action. People complain about feeling stuck. Change is challenging and often feared. Familiarity and years of reinforcement make moving from negative to positive thinking difficult. I guide people on a journey of awareness and choice. We nonjudgmentally search relevant files of experience to identify significant influences and resulting patterns of thinking. The pace of raising awareness is based on each person’s comfort level and learning style.

Awareness is a starting place. The brain does not have a delete button for experiential files, but it is possible to update and integrate files. The password for reprogramming? Choice.

Woman jeans and sneaker shoesWhen your “get up and go” has “got up and left,” when there’s no more “pep” left in your step, sometimes the best thing you can do is just stop trying for a while.

Moving forward feels great, but movement takes energy. When’s the last time you took a break without feeling guilty?

If you dislike the idea of resting, it might help to know that it’s a productive and appropriate project that could help you get your groove back.

Having said that, maybe you don’t have the option of sitting around doing nothing. Somehow, you’ve got to find or create the motivation to get moving again, regardless of how stuck you feel.

That’s when it’s time to do two things.

The first is to remind yourself of your own agency. No matter how helpless you may feel at a time like this, no matter what challenges you face, you have control over the little things in your life.

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You’re the only one who gets to decide whether to brush your teeth, rinse out that empty yogurt container, or sweep up that debris on the floor near the front door.

When life won’t give up its rewards to you, you can still reward yourself with clean hair, a timeout, or—here’s a novel idea—a carrot. (Make it a baby carrot with peanut butter; you need the nutrients.)

Losing motivation creates a sense of powerlessness, not to mention a lack of direction and purpose. It casts a spell that makes you forget your autonomy. But total powerlessness is most often an illusion.

Who else makes those moment-to-moment decisions about whether to wash a dish, darn a sock, or do a push-up?

When you feel paralyzed by obstacles like apathy, low energy, or indecision, taking small, unrelated actions can rev that idling engine.

When you feel paralyzed by obstacles like apathy, low energy, or indecision, taking small, unrelated actions can rev that idling engine.

The best activities are simple acts of grooming and household management.

Sprucing up your résumé and applying for jobs on the Internet is not a small action; don’t ask yourself to do that before you have some wins under your belt in the form of clipped nails, a tidy drawer, or a changed light bulb.

Once you inspire yourself by being proactive in smaller tasks, you’ll be better able to roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting on the bigger stuff.

The second thing to do if you’ve lost your mojo is to follow these three, simple words: Just start it. I remember an instructor in graduate school telling us that if you simply begin to do a task, motivation kicks in within 10 seconds.

You read that right: 10 seconds may be all it takes to shift from “I don’t want to do it” to “I’m already doing it, so I might as well continue.”

Let’s say, for example, you’re trying to get yourself to go to the gym. Get up right now and gather your workout clothes and/or shoes. Fill a water bottle or do whatever it takes to prep for a trip to the gym.

You’re far more likely to follow through and actually go if you start doing anything related to your goal.

Between these two tools—inspiring yourself through small actions or committing to just 10 seconds of activity—you’ll be able to make more progress than you would by sitting there berating yourself for being stuck.

Loss of motivation can be a symptom of depression. If your condition becomes entrenched, please consider speaking with a counselor or other mental health professional.

Caught in the sunAndrea woke up feeling great and full of energy. She grabbed a bagel and a coffee on her way to the bus station and ate it on the bus to work. She arrived on time and proceeded to the conference room for an early meeting with her team. During the meeting, Andrea noticed her boss giving her what she perceived as a disapproving look, and became deflated as a result. All her energy was suddenly gone, and an inner voice began telling her an all-too-familiar message: “What did you do this time?” “The fact that your boss is looking at you like that means she’s heavily disappointed in your mediocre way of working!” “If you keep cutting corners, you’re going to lose your job!”

Meet Andrea’s inner critic: the voice that comments on her experience, criticizing her and describing how (awful) things supposedly are, regardless of the actual circumstances.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives. It was initially shaped through our interaction with our environment. As young children, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. Even if they are for the most part responsive and attuned, they don’t always respond to us in ways that support our needs. Depending on their own conditioning, they try to shape us in ways that conform to their perception of reality.

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This can happen in many ways, such as punishment when we don’t behave the way they want us to, or reinforcement when we behave the way they do want us to. This shaping also happens subtly, from simple looks of disapproval or the opposite. Since we are totally dependent on their care, we begin to repress our aliveness and dynamism in order to adapt to how they expect us to behave—avoiding behaviors or expressions that will trigger punishment or disapproval, and doing what will bring their approval. Eventually, we end up internalizing our caregiver’s punishment-and-reward system, and it begins to limit both our worldview and our range of action. In a way, the inner critic is an inner police force that holds in check anything that deviates from our habitual, known patterns of experience and action.

Our caregivers aren’t the only ones influencing the development of the inner critic. Our schools, the environment around us, society, and basically any external input will contribute to creating this inner structure.

It’s important to point out that depending on our upbringing, our inner critic can be very harsh and painful or subtle and harder to notice. However, pretty much everyone has an inner critic that limits his or her expression in the world. In order to grow and develop, we must learn to work with this inner structure.

Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone

One way of defining “inner work” is understanding and dissolving the internal structures that obstruct our perception of reality. This way of seeing is a direct threat to our conditioned sense of self and sense of reality, so the inner critic, understandably, is going to do everything and anything in its power to discourage us to continue pursuing our work.

Therefore, one of the first structures we must understand and work with is the inner critic. As long as we have an inner voice criticizing us or scaring us about going deeper into ourselves, it will be difficult to progress.

Identifying the Inner Critic’s Triggers

There is no formula for working with the inner critic. Each person’s process is unique, and different techniques may work differently for different people.

Any time you feel guilt, the inner critic is playing its part. There’s a difference between feeling guilt and feeling remorse. The latter is a genuine feeling of pain about the consequences of one’s actions. Guilt, on the other hand, is a self-defeating pattern of making yourself “bad” as a consequence of doing something perceived as wrong. Many times when we feel guilty there is also genuine remorse, and there may be an objective aspect of your behavior to recognize in the situation, but the extra layer of “I am bad for such-and-such” is just plain inner critic impeding us from growing.

Other times, the inner critic lurks when we’re about to embark on a new venture and we feel afraid. It can show up as a critical voice, saying, “You can’t do this” or “Who are you trying to fool?” It can also say, “This is dangerous, don’t even try it!” No matter what it says, the point is it attempts to keep us from engaging in the new endeavor. Identifying the triggers of your inner critic is key to the growth process.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives.

Developing an Awareness Practice

The next step in working with the inner critic consists of learning how to identify its different voices. It can show up with a subtle, seductive voice, as an outright nasty attack, or something in between. By developing presence of mind through mindfulness meditation or other awareness practices, we can begin to notice when it’s lurking. The more identified we are with it, the harder it will be to notice when it is in action. By having a solid foundational awareness practice, in time you’ll be able to discern the inner critic in action.

One of the great benefits of mindfulness is that it allows us to observe our inner phenomena without identifying with them, so by being mindful of our thinking, feeling, and body sensations, we begin to see the different ways the inner critic shows up. Working with the inner critic is a lifelong endeavor, and as we progress on the path, we work with subtler and subtler ways in which the inner critic tries to sabotage our development.

Disidentifying from the Inner Critic

When we recognize that we have been attacked by the inner critic, we can experiment by switching our internal voice to the second person: “You are such-and-such!” This can be powerful in revealing the impact the voice is having. I have seen people in therapy begin to notice how harsh and brutal the energy is when they try this. Learning to see the inner critic as an external attack coming toward us, as opposed to being completely identified with it, is essential to neutralizing its power.

Using the Power of Anger to Regain Our Strength

The energy that fuels the inner critic is our own inherent aliveness and strength that’s being hijacked and used against us. At times, the criticism we give ourselves can be harsh and aggressive, and may require a strong defense.

Once we identify an attack and regard it as coming from the outside, we can experiment defending with a strong stand against the attack. Anything from a karate chop in the air to a simple “Get off my back!” with the right tone can be effective; it’s important to experiment and find what works for you. The purpose here is to reclaim our strength, so the energy, tone, and way we do this can be very different from person to person.

Effectively Using Compassion

Sometimes a forceful defense may not be effective, and a more gentle approach may be what’s needed. Simply getting in touch with the pain the attack produces in us and feeling compassion for our suffering can be a powerful way to disarm the critic. When the full force of self-compassion is present, any shred of attack will likely melt away.

Having an Ally Is a Must

Inner work isn’t easy, and navigating our inner landscape can be very confusing, so having an ally in the form of a therapist, teacher, or coach is imperative when going into the deeper aspects of working with the inner critic. Although each of the strategies mentioned above is helpful in giving you space from the critic, for deeper work you must also develop an embodied, contextual understanding of its origins, its impact, its phenomenology as a structure, and its energy. This requires a commitment to going into places inside of us that are old, hidden, and scary. It is difficult to do this alone, so the help of a compassionate therapist or other professional will make your work easier.

hands over ears with a pained expression“You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” —Buddha

As I write this, I can feel anxiety in my entire body; my legs are restless, my toes are tapping, and there are butterflies in my stomach twirling and diving, with some going on bombing missions. Thoughts are flying across the screen of my mind at the speed of light. My inner dialogue/landscape is one of charred wood and dead grass as I search to find the “right” words that will enlighten readers. In this barren wasteland of blank thoughts, I see a little pink flower that seems to be calling from afar, but, alas, it’s not to be! It’s only a figment of my imagination.

In my mind, I see no other recourse than to surrender and shout out, “I give up! This is too hard!” while another voice suggests, “Don’t you think this would be a great time to rearrange the furniture?” All the while, the wise part of me looks on with patience and compassion, nodding her head as she says, “Now, my dear, you know what you need to do.”

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I do know what I need to do, but I still wonder why, after all these years of writing, a deadline can bring up feelings of dread similar to those you get when the dentist informs you that you’re in need of a root canal. Unfortunately, I know the answer to this; and no, I am not as wise as Yoda! I happen to be very well acquainted with the inner critic, and I know that as soon as there’s a deadline looming on the horizon, the inner critic perks up, rubs her hands together with glee, laughs maniacally, and shouts with jubilation, “I knew sooner or later you’d need my help!” Hearing this, I turn to her, send her an imaginary bow of acknowledgment, and say, “It’s OK. I appreciate the offer, but I can do this on my own.” I lovingly guide her back to the meditation cushion and ask her to help by sending thoughts of loving kindness and compassion.

Unveiling the Inner Critic

“While others may fool us with stories, lies, and misinformation, the biggest deceptions happen within our very own heads!” —Dana Nourie

We all have an inner critic that gets activated when there is a sign of trouble or danger on the horizon. It shows up when we’re most vulnerable, fearful, or sad. It’s the scolding, critical, manipulative, and intimidating inner voice that is trying to help us stay safe. It can also sound like background noise; the voice is there, but we’ve gotten so used to it that we don’t hear it. When we don’t notice this inner dialogue, we may end up believing these thoughts, which creates even deeper suffering. So it’s important to recognize when the inner critic is present.

Below are just a few examples of how the inner critic shows up:

See the Vulnerability Beneath the Defense

Sometimes it helps to visualize the inner critic as a scared child. Most of us would respond with compassion if we saw a child suffering. Sometimes when I notice the critical self-talk in action, I’ll envision the fear as a child. I see the inner critic as a little girl who’s wearing an oversized lab coat and a hard hat. She stands anxiously watching over a grid with many blinking, colorful lights. While the grid contains a kaleidoscope of beautiful flashing colors, the inner critic ignores the beauty and instead is waiting for the moment when the grid flashes red.

Why red? Because it represents danger. (Think of stop signs, traffic lights, hazard lights, and ambulances.) When the illusion of trouble enters the mind, the grid flashes red, an alarm goes off, and a loud voice starts the countdown toward self-destruction. The inner critic immediately goes to work trying to avert danger in any way she can, and the negative self-talk begins. So the inner critic will say things such as, “You’re such a loser! No wonder creative thoughts don’t stick around! I’d leave too, if I could!” If I believe these thoughts, I might get paralyzed and stop myself from doing something that helps others and brings me joy. If instead I learn to look beyond the critical self-talk, I can begin to connect with the vulnerability beneath the defenses.

If I look beyond the inner critic and defensive stance, I see the feelings of vulnerability and fear. There’s fear of failure—that I won’t accomplish the task correctly or that I’ll lose my connection to what matters most. When I pause to connect through the practice of mindfulness and recognize that fear is present, I can begin to respond in ways that are healing and compassionate. This clear seeing of what is really happening beyond views of good/bad is essential in order for us to soothe the inner critic.

Before we get there, let’s take a deeper look at why and how fear triggers the inner critic.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

We all face fear at one time or another. Sometimes many times a day! Fear shows up for the major events of our lives. It also shows up for the small, everyday activities, such as not getting to an appointment on time, getting into an argument with a close friend, etc. What transforms the fear into suffering isn’t the feeling itself; it’s how we react to it.

It’s also important to note that when fear arises it triggers our fight, flight, and freeze or submit response, which was essential for the survival of our species. After all, if our ancestors weren’t alert to the dangers they faced when they were out hunting for food, we wouldn’t be here today.

The problem is that most of the threats we face are intense reactions that go off when our self-concept is threatened. This makes sense, as we are social animals and our connection to each other and life is important to our well-being. However, when we react as if our very life is threatened, we end up adding suffering to what is often a moment of pain. As Dr. Kristin Neff writes in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself:

We confuse our thoughts and representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self-image is under siege, we react as if our very existence is threatened. When this happens, our threat defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe as follows:

This overreaction can leave us feeling highly anxious, depressed, and angry with ourselves, others, and the world, and this can lead us to limit our experiences in life and relationships.

How the Inner Critic Limits Our Lived Experience

“We get identified with patterns of thought and this leads to repetitive behaviors, these repetitive behaviors become who we are. We stop growing because we limit out experiences.” —Steve Armstrong, dharma talk on Greeting Visitors to the Mind

The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us.

I remember listening to a talk by meditation teacher Tara Brach on how fear affects us. She shared a moving story about a white tiger called Mohini, who lived in a 12-by-12-foot rectangular cage at the zoo in Washington, D.C. The tiger spent her days restlessly pacing within the small enclosure, and eventually the staff and biologists worked to create a natural habitat for her. This was a beautiful space with hills, trees, and a pond to swim in.

When Mohini was transferred to her new surroundings, everyone expected she would feel free to explore this wide-open space. The moment she was released, she “immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area 12 by 12 feet was worn bare of grass.”

We similarly confine ourselves to certain patterns that limit our ability to fully experience life. The inner critic becomes the gatekeeper—in charge of keeping us contained within these limits, where there is an illusion of safety. The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us. Recognizing how we’re reacting to the inner critic, to our thoughts and feelings, is an important step toward helping ourselves reconnect to this moment. Just as important is our ability to practice self-compassion in the face of pain.

Self-Compassion Helps Soothe the Inner Critic

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” —Dr. Kristin Neff

Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as “quieting of one’s inner critic and replacing it with a voice of support, understanding, and care for one’s self.” So we treat ourselves with the same compassion and kindness we show others who are suffering. This can be challenging, as our defenses were developed over many years and show up as patterns of behavior that often stop us from being vulnerable. What helps us to shift out of these patterns is meeting our experience with mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion. As Neff points out in her book, there are three elements to the practice, as follows:

Practicing self-kindness, we:

Common humanity means that we:

We meet our moment-to-moment experience by:

Mindfulness and Compassion Foster Healing and Growth

Mindfulness and self-compassion help us to see how we are limiting ourselves. We see and feel the barriers we’re constructing around our hearts, and in seeing them we can begin to explore what is happening within the mind that’s causing us to build the wall. We free our hearts as we explore with a real desire to understand, to open to the pain and meet it with compassion and loving kindness. This leads us to have moments of mindfulness, where the mind is free of ruminating, judging, planning, and obsessing, and a mind that is free of torment is loving, clear, understanding, equanimous, and easeful.

As I write this last line, I pause to check in with the inner critic. I see that she’s still sitting on the meditation cushion, sending thoughts of loving kindness, and on her face is a look of profound peace.

hands pointing fingers at personHave you ever called yourself “stupid” just because you made a mistake?

When you look in the mirror, do you curse your reflection for not being attractive enough?

Do you make silent, sarcastic remarks to yourself after you speak?

When you engage in self-criticism, it’s like having your very own personal bully living inside your head.

Whenever you try something new, the bully is there to taunt you. When you think about taking a risk, the bully lets you know you’ll probably fail. And when it comes to relationships, the bully is the first to point out your flaws and weaknesses, all the reasons no one could ever really love you.

The bully loves to control you. It’s the bully’s “thing.”

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Your bully is happiest when you’re anxious about screwing up, or else feeling like you already screwed up. That’s what gives bullies their power.

If you want to ditch the bully, you’ll need to take your power back. But before you can do that, make sure you really want to get rid of the bully inside your head.

“What?” you may ask. “How can you even ask me that? Of COURSE I want to ditch this bully!”

Are you sure?

The bully in your head is there for a reason. The bully is there to keep you on your toes. What if you didn’t have a bully pointing out how badly you’re doing in everything? How much worse might you be?

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

The real bully is your belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you. How ready do you feel to let go of that?

As long as you suspect there’s something wrong with you, you’ll need a bully to keep you on the right track.

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

Take a few moments to mull it over.

What does it mean if there is really, truly nothing at all wrong with you? It could mean a lot of things, not all of them pleasant. For example:

Taking back your power from the bully in your head is not without cost. The cost of taking back your power is regret—for all the years you let the bully control you.

Go ahead and feel the regret. You earned it and it won’t kill you.

Then take back your power by saying no to the bully who insists there’s something wrong with you.

There’s no special trick to it. Just do it.

Act as if there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a good person. You won’t do bad things just because no one’s there to criticize you anymore.

You trusted the bully to take care of you all these years, but it cost you some self-esteem. Trust yourself now. Ditch the bully.

When the bully calls you stupid or unattractive, say, “I disagree.” Then mentally walk away from that criticism.

That’s how you take charge. One thought, one moment, at a time.

Good luck taking on your bully. Let me know how it goes.

Important Notice

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