“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” — Maya Angelou 

Self-care is one of those therapy concepts that we all know about, but is easy to take for granted.  

We all recognize we could benefit for having more “me time” to prioritize our needs and well-being. Yet, it often gets disregarded until we find ourselves overwhelmed, exhausted, or in genuine distress. 

Self-care isn’t just a luxury or something to occasionally do when the time is right—it’s a necessity for maintaining mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The challenge however, lies in moving self-care from an occasional act, to a consistent practice that fits seamlessly into daily life. 

Simply put, make self-care a habit.  

Think of self-care like dental hygiene. We brush and floss daily not because we’re facing an immediate dental crisis, but as a preventative measure we’ve created a habit around.  

Similarly, self-care can be viewed as daily maintenance for our mental health—a practice that keeps us balanced, resilient, and ready to navigate life’s challenges. 

A self-care routine doesn’t have to be elaborate or time-consuming. What matters most is that it’s consistent, balanced, and adaptable to your unique needs and circumstances.  

Here’s how to create a lasting self-care routine that works for you. 

“My friend…care for your psyche…know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves.” — Socrates

Understand Your Needs and Priorities

A sustainable self-care routine begins with self-awareness. Understanding what truly matters to you and identifying the areas where you feel depleted can help you create a meaningful and achievable plan. 

How to Start: 

• Identify your stressors: Make a list of situations, tasks, or relationships that regularly drain your energy. For example, you might notice that responding to work emails late at night leaves you feeling anxious. Write these down to gain clarity. 

• Create a “Needs Inventory”: Create a “needs inventory” by journaling or using a worksheet to explore your feelings. For instance, ask yourself, “When do I feel most energized?” and “What activities leave me feeling drained?” Use these insights to guide your priorities. 

• Assess your well-being: Use a wellness wheel or rate key aspects of your life (e.g., physical health, relationships, career, mental health) on a scale of 1–10. Reflect on areas that feel neglected or out of balance. 

• Set priorities: Choose one area to address first. For instance, if physical health is rated low, focus on activities like walking or meal planning. Avoid overwhelming yourself by trying to tackle everything at once. 

Therapist Tip: Journaling or completing a self-care assessment worksheet can help clarify your starting point. The clearer you are about your needs, the more focused and effective your efforts will be.

Set Realistic and Achievable Goals

“As important as it is to have a plan for doing work, it is perhaps more important to have a plan for rest, relaxation, self-care, and sleep.” ― Akiroq Brost 

Consistency is the cornerstone of building any habit, including self-care. Unrealistic expectations, however, can lead to frustration and burnout. Start small and aim for progress, not perfection. 

For instance, if you want to eat healthier, start by preparing one homemade meal per week rather than overhauling your diet all at once. Gradually increase the frequency as it becomes more of a habit. 

How to Start: 

• Break it down: Instead of vowing to exercise for an hour every day, aim for “15 minutes of movement three times a week.” Write your goals somewhere visible, like a planner or notes app, to keep them top of mind. 

• Be specific: Replace vague goals like “drink more water” with actionable steps like “drink a glass of water before each meal.” This makes it easier to track and build consistency. 

• Use SMART goals: Create goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For instance, “Meditate for five minutes every morning at 7:00 AM.” 

• Pair with motivation: Connect your goals to a “why.” For example, “I want to meditate daily to reduce my anxiety and feel calmer in the mornings.” Write down your reasons and revisit them when motivation wanes. 

Therapist Tip: Celebrate every small success, no matter how minor it seems. Small wins build momentum, which in turn creates lasting habits.

Incorporate Self-Care into Your Daily Routine

The most effective self-care routines are those that integrate naturally into your day. Think of self-care as a lifestyle rather than an additional item on your to-do list. 

For instance, if you feel too busy for relaxation, begin with micro-breaks. Take 1–2 minutes between tasks to stretch, breathe deeply, or step outside for fresh air. These moments can help reset your energy and focus. 

How to Start: 

• Create habits: Use habit stacking—pairing a new habit with an existing one. For instance, practice gratitude while brushing your teeth or stretch for a few minutes after getting out of bed. This makes self-care feel effortless. 

• Schedule it: Block out time for self-care in your calendar. Treat it as an appointment you cannot miss. Start small, such as scheduling a 10-minute walk after lunch. 

• Simplify where possible: Have tools ready to make self-care accessible. For instance, keep a journal on your nightstand or download a meditation app on your phone. The easier it is to start, the more likely you are to follow through. 

• Use reminders: Set alarms or notifications to prompt self-care actions, like drinking water, taking a stretch break, or practicing deep breathing. 

Therapist Tip: Use morning and evening routines as anchors for self-care. Mornings can set a positive tone for the day, while evenings are ideal for winding down and reflecting.

Adapt and Evolve as Needed

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” — Arthur Ashe

Life is dynamic, and your self-care routine should evolve with it. Flexibility ensures that your practices remain relevant and effective, even as your circumstances change. 

For example, if you’ve started journaling but find it repetitive or it is no longer providing nourishment, switch to another idea to reignite your interest, and that aligns better with your need. 

How to Start: 

• Listen to your body: Pay attention to signs of stress or burnout. If you’re feeling consistently drained, reflect on what might need adjusting in your routine. 

• Reassess regularly: Every month or so, take time to reflect on your self-care practices. Ask yourself: “What’s working well?” and “What feels like a chore?” Adjust accordingly. 

• Prepare for setbacks: Life happens, and routines can falter. Instead of giving up entirely after a setback, have a list of simple, go-to practices. For instance, if you miss a workout, take a short walk instead. 

• Experiment with new activities: Don’t hesitate to try something different, like journaling, creative hobbies, or even a new relaxation app. Variety can keep self-care engaging. 

Therapist Tip: Keep a “self-care toolbox” of go-to practices for different moods or energy levels. This makes it easier to adapt on challenging days.

Build a Support System

“Self-care for me is about connecting daily with the people I love in my life, and staying in touch.” — Jake Gyllenhaal 

Self-care doesn’t have to be a solo journey. Involving others can provide accountability, encouragement, and even a sense of joy in shared experiences.  

This could be as simple as a group chat or a regular video call with friends or likeminded people you trust and find supportive. 

How to Start: 

• Involve others: Share your self-care goals with friends or family. For example, invite a friend to join you for a weekly walk or ask a loved one to check in on your progress. 

• Seek professional guidance: A therapist, coach, or wellness practitioner can help tailor a plan to your specific needs and provide ongoing support. 

• Join a community: Look for local or online groups focused on self-care practices like meditation, fitness, or creative arts. Being part of a supportive network can inspire consistency. 

• Create shared routines: Combine self-care with social time. For instance, cook a healthy meal with a friend or attend a yoga class together. 

Therapist Tip: Consider enlisting an accountability partner to check in with regularly. Shared goals and encouragement can significantly enhance your commitment. 

The Power of Tiny Changes 

Borrowing from James Clear’s philosophy in Atomic Habits, focus on small, incremental changes. A 1% improvement each day may seem insignificant, but over time, it leads to remarkable results. Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistent, meaningful actions that add up to a healthier, happier you. 

“Self-care is really rooted in self-preservation, just like self-love is rooted in honesty. We have to start being more honest with what we need, and what we deserve, and start serving that to ourselves.” — Lizzo

Building a sustainable self-care routine is an ongoing journey of self-discovery and adaptation. By understanding your needs, setting realistic goals, and creating space for self-care in your daily life, you can establish habits that nourish your well-being for the long term.  

Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. 

Start small, stay consistent, and watch how even the simplest practices can transform your quality of life. 

Loving someone with mental health challenges can be a journey filled with moments of connection, but it also presents unique challenges. As a partner, you can be a source of stability and comfort, but it’s equally important to nurture yourself along the way. Below are practical steps to strengthen both your relationship and your well-being as you support your loved one.  

Learn and Educate Yourself 

Understanding your partner’s mental health condition is crucial in offering genuine support. When you know what they’re going through, you can be more empathetic and less likely to take symptoms personally. 

For example, if your partner has depression, you might read articles, watch videos, or attend a workshop on the condition. You’ll learn that depression isn’t just “feeling sad” but can cause physical exhaustion and lack of motivation. This knowledge will help you to not feel hurt if they decline activities they used to enjoy, such as going out for dinner or socializing. 

 Communicate Openly and Listen 

Creating a safe space for your loved one to express themselves can be one of the most supportive things you can do. Let them share their thoughts and feelings without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. Sometimes they don’t need a solution; they just need to feel heard. 

For example, if your partner struggles with anxiety and mentions feeling overwhelmed by social events, instead of saying, “You’ll be fine” or “Don’t worry about it,” you could say, “I hear that this is really stressful for you. What do you think might help ease your anxiety in those situations?” This invites them to explore their feelings while knowing you’re there for them.  

Encourage Professional Help 

While your emotional support is invaluable, it’s important to recognize the role of mental health professionals in your partner’s recovery. Gently encourage them to seek therapy or counseling, without being pushy. 

For example, if your partner experiences panic attacks, you could say, “I want to support you in the best way possible, and I wonder if a therapist might have some tools that could really help with the panic attacks. I can help you find one if you’d like.” Offering assistance in finding a therapist can make the process feel less daunting for them.  

Set Healthy Boundaries 

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they are especially important when one partner is struggling with mental health challenges. Healthy boundaries ensure that you can offer support without feeling emotionally depleted. 

For example, if your partner tends to lean on you for emotional reassurance during their struggles with anxiety, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, “I’m here for you, but I also need some time for myself today. Can we talk for 15 minutes, and then maybe you could journal or use one of the relaxation techniques we’ve discussed?”  

Take Care of Yourself 

Caring for someone with mental health challenges can be exhausting if you don’t take time to recharge. Prioritizing your own self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for sustaining your ability to be a supportive partner. 

For example, if you start feeling emotionally drained after several tough days, schedule some time to do something just for yourself. This could be an evening walk, a yoga class, or spending time with friends. You might say to your partner, “I’ve had a tough week and need a little time for myself. I’m going to meet with friends tonight, but I’ll be back and available to talk later if you need.” 

Be Patient 

Mental health recovery can be a long, winding road, and it’s important to remember that progress often comes in waves. There will be good days and bad days. Patience—both with your partner and with yourself—is crucial in maintaining a balanced relationship. 

For example, if your partner has bipolar disorder, they might go through phases of elevated mood (mania) and depressive episodes. In moments of mania, they may appear full of energy, only to feel deeply depressed days later. Instead of getting frustrated by these shifts, remind yourself that these mood changes are part of the condition and not a reflection of your relationship. You might say, “I understand that you’re going through a tough time, and I’m here with you through all of it.” 

Strengthen Your Relationship 

It’s easy to focus on the challenges mental health issues bring, but it’s equally important to nurture the positive aspects of your relationship. Make time for the things that bring you joy and help strengthen your bond. Balance the serious conversations with light-hearted moments.  

For example, if your partner is struggling with depression, plan an activity that doesn’t require much energy but brings joy to both of you—like watching a favorite movie together or taking a quiet walk. You might say, “I know things have been hard, but I’d love to spend some time together watching that show we both love. Let’s make it a cozy night in.” 

Reach Out for Support 

You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or support groups can provide a sense of relief and understanding. Sharing your own feelings can help you feel less isolated and remind you that it’s okay to lean on others.  

For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s mental health challenges, consider joining a support group for partners of people with mental illness. You might also talk to a close friend, saying, “I love my partner, but it’s been hard lately. I just need someone to talk to about how I’m feeling.” Being honest with those around you about your struggles can bring comfort and perspective. 

 In conclusion, supporting a loved one with mental health challenges is a delicate balance of empathy, patience, and self-care. By educating yourself, communicating openly, and encouraging professional help, you can create a supportive environment where both you and your partner can thrive. Just remember, your well-being is just as important as theirs, and taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to offer sustained support. 

In the demands of productivity and high stress at work, it can be difficult to find time to support your mental health needs.  Busy workdays filled with back-to-back meetings, managing difficult work dynamics, the lack of time for self-care, or pushing through your day without taking a break, may be part of the norm.  This can impact you because your work environment can be a place where you spend the majority of your time.  You may find that there are relational dynamics that come up with coworkers, bosses, or within your own process.  Maybe you have been successfully able to compartmentalize these dynamics and move on with your work day. Maybe you have found that the emotional pull is so strong that you cannot avoid the feelings that come up.    

When you feel anxious or overwhelmed at work, it may be challenging to find time for your own mental health needs, especially when the expectation is to keep engaged and productive.  Even so, it is important to find time within those demands to take care of your own mental health. Here are some strategies that can be helpful.   

Practice Self-Care 

The concept of “self-care” sometimes has the association with being unattainable or connected to the idea that it has to be done in a specific or idealized way.  I view self-care as a practice and intention.  The idea is to create a space in your life that feels good and where you have some ease.  I hold the view that self-care can include, but isn’t only limited to, activities such as doing yoga, meditation, exercise, or healthy eating.  Sometimes self-care looks like immersing yourself in a good TV series or a movie, to allow your mind to distract from the problems of today. Sometimes it is taking a step out of a meeting or during your workday to check in with yourself. Going to get water, going to the restroom, or even looking outside the window of your office, could be forms of self-care. The idea is to take care of your- self.   What works for someone else may not work for you.  Holding yourself with compassion that you matter and having grace for yourself can be an important step in self-care.   

Work Identity and Time Outside of Work 

Your career can be a big part of who you are as a person. There are many things that make up your identity. Work can be a place where you feel grounded and secure. When things do not go well at work, that sense of identity may be under question and you may find yourself wondering who you are.  Your work self is a part of you, albeit an important part. Remembering that there are other parts of you as well can help you to have another source of identity.    

Think about aspects of your work identity that you value and feel rooted in.  You can explore this by spending time thinking about why you feel this way and the positive aspects of this.  Then consider what other parts of your identity do you wish you had time for? Finding the other parts of you that might need expression and space could allow you to feel more balanced.  Think about aspects that you might have felt connected to in the past. Maybe you have painted in the past or you enjoy dancing or singing. Maybe you enjoy writing or going for walks. Does socializing help you feel more connected to your sense of self or do you prefer quiet time to reflect? Even the thought of what you could do outside of your work role could be an interesting exploration.  

Remember You Are Human 

We can’t do everything all the time.  We all have limits.  When the work demands are high, it can feel impossible to get it all done.  Pushing forward while feeling overwhelmed is difficult.  We can only do things one thing at a time, even when there are ten things that are due.   

It can be helpful to explore some questions: How do you know when you feel overwhelmed? Do you ask for help? How much do you take on? What are some indications that you need an emotional break?  What are some things that help you to feel good, supported, and valued?   Do you push beyond those limits or are you able to take a step back and regroup?  How do you react when you are less than perfect? How do you motivate yourself? What standards do you hold yourself to? How do you honor and recognize your own humanness?   

Taking Time to Reflect 

Professional relationships in the workplace can have an impact on your work experience and your mental health.  There might be dynamics in these relationships that make it difficult to be engaged in your job.  It can be helpful when you feel the pull towards taking action or the pull to be reactive, to instead turn towards yourself and to remain curious about your experience without immediately acting on those feelings.  One suggestion is to be curious as to why you feel as you do, while still acknowledging the impact that the other person or situation may have had on you.  It might be a completely legitimate response to the situation; however, the emphasis is to remain curious about your response.  This practice may give you the insight into how to support yourself within these relationships.   

On the other hand, you may have work relationships that feel supportive and uplifting.  These relationships may have supported you in being resilient and give you the encouragement you needed to persevere.  Reflecting on those attuned relationships may positively impact your mental health.  

How Therapy Can Help 

When you are at work, you may find few opportunities to express your emotional side or to process the interpersonal dynamics that come up. The work environment is typically a space where thinking (intellectualization) is highly valued. Giving yourself permission to have a set time every week to freely discuss your feelings and how things are impacting you can give you space for your own emotional and interpersonal needs.  Often when we are in a situation, it is difficult to see it clearly.  Seeking out a therapist who is trained, skilled, and compassionate can help to create a safe space to allow yourself to be seen and understood. 
  

This blog is for general information purposes only. It is not meant for a substitution for medical or mental health advice or treatment. Please see a licensed professional for medical or mental health advice and/or recommendations specific to your needs.  

 

Self-care really exploded as a topic in self-help and psychology over the last 10 years. And since we are heavily focused on doing things in our society, you can find countless articles on eating healthy, exercising, doing yoga, meditating, good hygiene, sleeping, journaling, gratitude lists, and pampering yourself. And it isn’t that any of these things are bad. It’s just that when people google “self-care strategies,” they often know what the answer is. On some level, they are aware that they aren’t doing what they need to for their mind or body, but they struggle to commit to any type of change. It’s as if every intention becomes a failed New Year’s Resolution.  

What is Self-Care?  

Self-care is paying attention to what you need in each moment. It involves holding your awareness open, becoming present, and listening to your intuition (rather than your thoughts).  

Here are some examples: 

• Trusting yourself 
• Accepting your emotions 
• Quieting your mind 
• Being patient with yourself 
• Practicing honesty 
• Making decisions based on your real values 
• Saying no (or yes) when it is right to 
• Having compassion for yourself 
• Letting go of unhealthy thoughts 
• Slowing down and coming off auto-pilot 
• Observing your mind and looking for the truth 
• Stepping out of distractions and facing real issues 
• Respecting your life process 
• Staying true to yourself 

Reading over this list isn’t helpful if it becomes intellectualized. Sustainable self-care isn’t just about picking an idea and sticking to it. That would require willpower, which is a limited resource that is unhelpful to many people. There are stages we have to work through in order to get to a state of balance in our lives. One of these stages involves connecting to our innermost Self – the part of us that is actually providing the care. When this happens, people feel capable of taking responsibility for their well-being and applying the examples above in a sustainable way. Self + Care = Self-Care.  

In my practice as a mindfulness and transpersonal therapist, I focus on teaching people to cultivate spiritual well-being, which means having that connection to the Self. Some people refer to this as being “centered.” Clients often come to me with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and stress, and they feel severely disconnected from who they are. Their minds tend to be out of control, and their emotions can drive their decisions whether they are repressing them or not. They often feel like they are acting in ways that are incongruent with their values, but they aren’t sure how to break free.  

 From a spiritual perspective, the opposite of being centered is Identification. Identification means to lose yourself to something. We can lose ourselves to our thoughts, our emotions, our body sensations, our roles, our beliefs, and so on. Here are some examples: 

• You are feeling good as you are on your way to a party with friends. You enter the room and start thinking about how great everyone else looks. Your mind starts comparing your looks to others, and suddenly you don’t feel good about yourself anymore (identification with a thought and the body). 

• You are talking to a group of friends about some political beliefs. The conversation starts to get heated as the group is venting. Anger starts to arise in you and you begin to say things you don’t really mean. The feeling stays with you as you return home and you are irritable with your family for the rest of the night (identification with a thought, emotion, or belief). 

• You’ve had a difficult day parenting and are feeling a lot of anxiety and stress. You put your children to bed and start to think about the treats in your cupboard. You spend the rest of the night binge eating and zoning out in front of the TV (identification with a thought and emotion). 

• You’ve been working on recovering from dieting behaviour by listening to your body and nourishing it. You sit down in a chair and feel the sensation of your belly sticking out. You’re overcome with anxiety and thoughts of being fat, so you spend the rest of the day fasting (identification with thought, emotion, body). 

• You work in a job that gives you a strong sense of identity. You never take breaks like your colleagues, but instead, push through and avoid thinking about your needs. At the end of the day, you have a build-up of stress in your mind and body. You worry about how you’re perceived at work, and your thoughts constantly focus on pleasing others. You know that you should at least take a lunch break, but the next day at work the personal neglect happens all over again (identification with thought, emotion, role). 

As long as we are identified with something, we will struggle to take care of ourselves. It is as if something much more powerful takes over and controls our behaviour. It is important to recognize that identification isn’t real – it is happening in our minds and is connected to our conditioning. Our thoughts are very influential, and if we aren’t working on slowing down and separating from our thinking, it can have big consequences. As soon as we notice a thought in-the-moment, we are disidentified from it. This means our connection to Self is present and we are able to observe the thought without reacting. With practice, we become capable of deciding whether to let the thought go or to take action.  

In my work with clients, we practice disidentification, cultivating inner silence, observing thoughts non-judgementally, staying with emotions (without repressing or indulging in them), separating out from conditioned beliefs, and trusting intuition. These experiential processes transform our patterns by allowing us to experience life fully without losing ourselves. People learn over time that they have a wise, steady center of being that they can come back to over and over again as an anchor in difficult moments. It is the foundation for true resilience and inner growth. When we are connected to our Self and we disidentify, we can have a thought and let it go, experience an emotion and work through it, participate in our roles while also caring for ourselves, and have a body without obsessing about it or neglecting it. In other words, we become free to make choices based on our real needs and values, which is the heart of self-care.  

 To learn more about how I guide people towards healing from the inside out, check out my blog at www.katiedunnigan.com or connect with me directly for a free phone consultation.  

I have anxiety, chronic depression, and excoriation disorder – I’m also a master’s level psychotherapist with my own private practice.

My life story and diagnosed mental disorders contradict the general public’s idea that a psychotherapist is some sort of “Buddha-like creature” that has mastered the art of suffering while also helping others through their pain.

I think one of the most beautifully difficult things about being a therapist with mental illness is that I haven’t mastered my own mental health. Yet, I’m still able to help others through their suffering. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully overcome the disorders and struggles I’ve been given, but I’ve learned how to use my own pain and trauma to help my clients through theirs.  

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: Coping Skills: How to Develop Them for Your Daily Life

It Can Be a Long Road 

The amount of pain, energy, time, and money involved in mental illness and its treatment can be incredibly overwhelming. I’ve been in individual therapy since the age of 13, received inpatient psychiatric treatment at the age of 19, and I’ve tried over ten different medications for depression.

Two years ago, I attended a ten-week-long self-compassion course in hopes that I’ll stop trash-talking myself 24/7.

I’ve undergone countless blood tests and a sleep study to try and address my chronic fatigue.

At 25, I attended group therapy in addition to my individual therapy to help me learn just how powerful relationships can be in terms of triggering my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy due to my anxious attachment style.

Just recently, I completed eight weeks of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) for both anxiety and medication-resistant depression.

I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on skin care products and scar gels to try and erase the fact that my entire body is covered in scars from over a decade of compulsive skin-picking.  

 My Experiences Help My Clients

When I read the above paragraph, I feel a sense of profound sadness and grief from what I’ve endured, but my difficult experiences have made me a better therapist.

Because of my anxiety, I know that sometimes, no matter how much cognitive challenging and deep breathing I do, I still could respond from a place of pure panic and make the situation worse.

Because of my depression, I understand how you can feel so unwanted and repulsive that you want to die, and no amount of uplifting words from others can take that pain away.

I’m able to recognize that replacement behaviors or distractions for compulsive behaviors oftentimes don’t even make a dent, so we have to brainstorm quite a repertoire of potential interventions. When clients ask me for answers, begging for ways to end their pain, I simply sit with them because sometimes sitting with them is all you can do. 

I realize that what worked, or didn’t work, for me and my mental health is not applicable for everyone. I draw from my own hardships because it helps me makes sense of the things I continue to experience on a daily basis despite my many years of pursuing healing.

I think the most profound thing I’ve learned as a therapist with mental illness is that sometimes we get so caught up in our ultimate goal of being healed that it actually stops us from healing. There is a romanticized idea of healing that is portrayed as someone constantly being at peace or no longer feeling intense pain, but that’s not what healing is.

Healing is a lifelong process that takes consistent time, effort, and courage because we will never be free from suffering in this life, but we can also find comfort in knowing we are never truly alone in our pain. We can learn to still experience joy, freedom, love, and all of the wonderful things in life while acknowledging that moments of suffering are inevitable.  

RELATED GOODTHERAPY ARTICLE: When Is It Time to Find a Therapist?

Take Care of Yourself While Caring for Others 

Being a psychotherapist is a difficult career that requires a lot of self-awareness and self-care. Not all therapists have mental illness or trauma, but we all experience pain and feelings of inadequacy, and making sure we take proper care of ourselves is one of the most important parts of our job.

The concepts of self-awareness and self-care as a therapist become even more vital when you have your own disorders or difficult life circumstances going on. My countertransference is often very strong in sessions because of my past experiences, but I’ve learned to use it as a therapeutic tool that allows me to stay empathically attuned to my clients.

I’m also aware that I have to be careful and take time to process my countertransference with the help of ongoing supervision and personal therapy to make sure my own emotions aren’t negatively influencing my practice. It’s about finding a balance between using our experiences as a point of reference, but not becoming blinded or consumed by them. 

If you’re a therapist with mental illness, I see you and I understand you. If you’re a therapist with no mental illness, but you’re stressed out of your mind and feel inadequate, I see you too. Life is hard and we picked a hard job to go along with it – there’s a lot of power in being open about this and our common humanity.

We can use our pain to help us become better clinicians only if we take the time to address it and care for it. You can’t expect your clients to trek and wade through the depths of their suffering if you haven’t done it yourself. No matter what your story is, take the time to explore it. It has the power to become your strongest asset as a clinician. 

by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, PsyD, MA, MEd, in San Francisco, CA

How to Cope with Anxiety If You Can’t Go to Therapy

I spoke with a friend of a friend recently who said he copes with anxiety solely through medication because that’s all he’s been exposed to. It got me thinking about how some people don’t know what else to try for anxiety other than pharmacological interventions because they may not have considered therapy as an option. And even many people who have considered therapy may not be able to afford it. Learning how to cope with anxiety in healthy ways can make such a difference.

This is quite the conundrum because anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the US, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). Anxiety affects 40 million adults in the U.S. ages 18 and older —  about 18.1% of the population. Also, anxiety disorders are highly treatable, but only 36.9% of people receive treatment.

Therapy and medication are two ways to manage treatment, but they’re not the only ways. What follows are strategies to cope with anxiety without going to therapy or taking drugs.

7 Non-Pharmacological Strategies for Anxiety

1. Exercise

You knew this one was coming, didn’t you? Anxiety is associated with energy; it’s why we have expressions like “fidgeting nervously,” or “a nervous tic.” Exercise is an outlet for that anxious energy. In addition, there are numerous studies that show exercise and regular activity are beneficial for anxiety, meaning exercise reduces it.

2. Change Your Diet

Did you know 95% of your serotonin receptors reside in your gut? It stands to reason then what you feed your gut affects your mood. That’s true and in fact, a 2016 study found healthy eating can alleviate anxiety. Is your diet high in processed foods such as frozen dinners, shelf-stable cookies, and potato chips? If so, those foods could be exacerbating your anxiety. What happens if you try eating differently?

3. Journaling

It’s not uncommon for a person to experience swirling thoughts when they’re anxious. Thinking about the future in a negative way can promote anxiety such as repeating to yourself: “I don’t look good in pictures,” “No one will come to my party,” “Everyone hates me,” or “What if I lose my job?” Writing those thoughts down, letting all your worst fears become expressed, can help release them from your brain and soothe the anxious parts of yourself. This is also helpful if you experience insomnia that may stem from anxiety.

4. Breathing

It seems so simple because we breathe all day long, but conscious breath can go a long way in alleviating anxiety. I’m a proponent of breathing into your belly, alternate nostril breathing, and circular breathing. I also have a free, guided, breathwork meditation. To start, set a timer for 30 seconds (and work up to three minutes) and see how you feel after breathing with intention and awareness. What I love about breathwork is it encourages a pause. Many of us are conditioned to fear a pause, to fear silence. With anxiety, your brain can run off without you, imagining ten steps into the future. Pausing, sitting in silence, brings your brain back to where your feet are, here, in this present moment. Noticing the present moment, being with the pause, the silence, you may notice things aren’t as terrible as they first seemed.

5. Yoga & Meditation

There are numerous kinds of yoga and meditation in the world, but nearly all of them help with anxiety. Experiment with different kinds until you found one that works for you. Yoga and meditation incorporate many of the characteristics I listed above: pausing, breathwork, and focusing the mind.

6. Spirituality

I view a spiritual practice as complementary to therapy and depth coaching because it can help provide access to the internal world. Spirituality can be defined simply as a sense of connection to something greater than yourself and can offer meaning as well as purpose in your life. Cultivating a meaningful connection with something bigger than yourself just may result in emotions such as peace, awe, and contentment. In other words, a spiritual practice — tailor-made for you — can help you cope with anxiety.

7. EFT/Tapping

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as tapping, combines cognitive therapies with acupressure for the treatment of psychological distress. A 2016 study found EFT demonstrated a significant decrease in anxiety scores, even when accounting for the effect size of control treatment. More recently, in 2019, researchers found EFT helps physiologically, meaning not only did study participants self-report that they felt better, but their bodies also showed a decrease in resting heart rate and blood pressure and an altering of cortisol levels.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)

Sometimes it’s really hard to manage anxiety on your own and you just may need support. If money is an issue, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings are a great option. The meeting is open to not only children raised in alcoholic homes, but anyone raised in a dysfunctional environment. The program functions like other 12-step groups in that members share for a limited time and there’s a sponsor or fellow traveler to help a person through the steps. That means there’s a community of people to support you as you learn how to cope with anxiety. However, what’s unique about ACA is that it also addresses post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and has literature devoted to nurturing an inner loving parent. Creating a strong, secure, attachment figure within yourself could help calm anxious parts of yourself, especially if the anxiety is arising from your inner child.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, you don’t have to suffer through it. Anxiety is treatable with a multitude of drugs, therapy, and any of the methods I mentioned above. If one method doesn’t work, try another. And try it for some time as it may take a while. Just know, relief is possible. Start your search for a therapist today.

References

Anderson, Elizabeth; Shivakumar, Geetha. “Effects of Exercise and Physical Activity on Anxiety.” Front Psychiatry. 2013;4:27. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00027

Anxiety and Depression Association of America. “Facts and Statistics.” https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics, accessed November 18, 2021.

Bach, Donna; Groesbeck, Gary; Stapleton, Peta; et al. Clinical EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Improves Multiple Physiological Markers of Health. J Evid Based Integr Med. 2019;24:2515690X18823691. doi:10.1177/2515690X18823691

Carpenter, Dr. Siri. “That Gut Feeling.” American Psychological Association. September 2012; 43(8): 50. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/09/gut-feeling

Clond, Morgan. “Emotional Freedom Techniques for Anxiety: A Systematic Review With Meta-analysis.” J Nerv Ment Dis. 2016;204(5):388-395. doi: 10.1097/NMD.0000000000000483.

Null, Gary; Pennesi, Luanne; Feldman, Martin. “Nutrition and Lifestyle Intervention on Mood and Neurological Disorders.” J Evid Based Complementary Altern Med. 2017 Jan;22(1):68-74. doi: 10.1177/2156587216637539.

Ending a relationship and letting go can be incredibly difficult no matter how toxic it is. Part of this is for simple biological reasons, as recent scientific studies have shown that being in love activates the same reward pathways in the brain as addictive substances like cocaine.

Brain scans of lovers and people experiencing substance addiction both display increased activity in the pleasure centers of the brain (most notably the dopamine centers) and decreased activity in the frontal lobe, which is the area responsible for cognition. This means that while falling in love can make us feel good, it can also profoundly affect our judgment.

While researchers have found overlaps between romantic attachment and addiction-related brain activity, healthy human bonding is not inherently pathological. Neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin help create emotional attachment and connection. In unhealthy or inconsistent relationships, however, these same reward systems can contribute to intense emotional dependence and make it harder to leave, especially when affection and distress occur in cycles.

It is for this reason that love can sometimes be compared to an addiction. In love, much like addiction, there may be negative side effects such as abuse or gaslighting. But despite all of those bad circumstances, it can still be difficult to kick the romantic attraction and feelings of love when letting a relationship go.

Not all unhealthy relationships look the same. Some relationships may involve poor communication or codependent patterns, while others may include emotional abuse, manipulation, coercion, or trauma bonding. The process of leaving and healing can look very different depending on the dynamics involved, and some situations may require additional support or safety planning.

If you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship you know is not healthy, consider these 15 tips for letting go of it for good:

1. Recognize the Problem

Awareness is the first step. Educate yourself or consider talking to a therapist or counselor about what constitutes an unhealthy relationship. Take a good, hard, and objective look at your relationship and be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is this relationship serving my highest good?
• Is this relationship negatively impacting other areas of my life?
• Is this relationship detrimental to my self-esteem?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, consider ending or talking to a professional about the relationship.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

Find a Therapist

Letting go of a relationship is usually not easy. It can be painful to end a relationship even if the relationship was not serving your highest good. Honor any feelings of grief you may have, and allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than attempting to suppress them. What people often experience as “missing them” may also involve emotional withdrawal and a dysregulated nervous system. In relationships marked by inconsistency, conflict, or intermittent reinforcement, the brain and body can become conditioned to cycles of emotional highs and lows. The urge to reconnect often intensifies when the discomfort feels overwhelming, not necessarily because the relationship was healthy. Accept grief as a part of the experience, and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

3. Discover the Lesson

Many people reflect on past relationships to better understand themselves and their patterns. However, not everyone is ready to take meaning from the experience right away, and that’s okay. Sometimes healing first needs to come before insight. If and when you feel ready, consider asking yourself what the relationship revealed about your needs, boundaries, values, or hopes for future relationships.

In life, lessons may often be repeated until they are learned. Look for the lesson from this relationship and you may be less likely to carry the same lesson over into your next relationship.

4. Create Separation

It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you’re used to spending so much time with, but it is usually necessary if you want to move on from the relationship. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship with your ex, but it’s usually best to allow some time for both parties to heal before you try to spend time together as friends.

For some people, especially in relationships involving manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or trauma bonding, a period of no contact may be necessary to allow emotional healing and nervous system regulation. In other situations, limited contact may be more realistic, particularly when co-parenting, shared responsibilities, or practical concerns are involved. Creating space can help you gain clarity and reduce the emotional intensity that often keeps unhealthy dynamics going.

5. Let Go of the Mementos

It can be tempting to hang on to all the old relics of a past relationship. Doing so, however, may prevent you from moving on with your life. If you must keep the old love letters, movie ticket stubs, photos, or romantic gifts, you may want to store them somewhere out of sight until you’re ready to move on.

6. Take Off Your Love Goggles

Love often has a way of clouding your perception, which sometimes makes it difficult to see someone for who they really are. If you really want to get out of an unhealthy relationship, you must be willing to take off your love goggles and look at the person objectively. Consider talking with a close family member or friend or even finding a therapist to help you look at the relationship impartially.

It’s common to hold onto isolated moments of connection while minimizing larger behavioral patterns. When you slow things down and look at the relationship over time, the overall dynamic often becomes clearer. Ask yourself whether the relationship consistently felt emotionally safe, respectful, and supportive, not just whether there were occasional good moments.

It isn’t uncommon to only hold on to the good memories of an ex and completely shut out the bad memories. Maintain your perspective by remembering both sides of the experience. Remind yourself of the good times, but don’t forget those bad times or you could end up forgetting why you ended the relationship in the first place.

7. Compose a Letter to Your Ex

Consider writing out all your feelings in a letter, even if you have no intention of sending it. You can choose to give this letter to your former partner or destroy it when you’re finished. The point of the letter is to allow you to release your feelings. Writing or journaling can help you reflect on the relationship as a whole, while giving you a way to further your mental and emotional wellness.

8. Focus On Empowering Yourself

Try your best to shift focus off the relationship and back to yourself. Consider trying new things or putting your energy into a hobby you’ve neglected. Remembering why the relationship was unhealthy and focusing on what it is you do want in a relationship can be empowering.

After an unhealthy relationship, many people realize they lost parts of themselves along the way. You may reconnect with interests, friendships, goals, or aspects of your identity that became smaller during the relationship. Rebuilding your sense of self is often an important part of healing.

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.

9. Rewrite Your Story

We often tend to place the weight of our identities into our self-professed life stories. We believe we are what we continually tell ourselves. Examine your story and rewrite it in a more empowering way to start making positive changes in your life.

If you continually tell yourself you lost your soul mate and you’re destined to be alone, you might struggle to hang on to a relationship that is no longer serving you. Reframe your story and consider the fact this relationship may have just been one step on the journey toward an even better relationship in the future.

10. Practice Forgiveness

Release any feelings of guilt or regret you have surrounding the relationship. Forgive yourself for anything that happened in the past because you can no longer change it. You can only move forward and learn from it.

Forgiveness is often a gradual process and should not be rushed. For some people, trying to forgive too quickly can bypass important feelings such as anger, grief, or betrayal. Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning accountability. Instead, it may eventually involve loosening your emotional attachment to the pain or dynamic so you can move forward more freely.

11. Live in the Present Moment

Life exists in the present moment and healing is rarely linear. Many people move forward, then revisit old feelings, memories, or urges before continuing to heal again. Experiencing setbacks or moments of doubt does not mean you are failing or that ending the relationship was the wrong decision. Choose to live in the present rather than getting lost in nostalgia. Often, people stay in a relationship that is no longer healthy because they are clinging to the past. Judge your relationship based on how it is at present rather than how it once was.

12. Accept What Is

We must be able to accept things as they are if we want to move forward. Many people remain in relationships that are unhealthy hoping they can somehow change their partner. It is important to remember you cannot change anyone, especially if they have no willingness to change themselves. If the relationship isn’t working for you, then you have the choice to leave and move on. That is something you can change.

13. Contribute to a Cause You Care About

If you’re having trouble letting go of the past, consider getting involved in a cause you feel passionate about. Doing this can not only occupy your time and mind as you process feelings and let go of the relationship, but it can also help shift your focus to something bigger than yourself. Recent research has shown volunteering can significantly improve overall well-being, with benefits including reduced mortality, increased functioning, and better social connections. This can provide perspective and help you feel good as you also help your community.

14. Practice Self-Care

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship. Letting go isn’t easy, and it isn’t uncommon to forget our own physical and emotional health after a painful breakup. The grief can be overwhelming and we may start to neglect our own needs, as emotional pain activates the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain.

During and after unhealthy relationships, the nervous system can remain in a heightened state of stress or emotional activation. Gentle routines, consistent sleep, movement, time outdoors, mindfulness practices, and supportive relationships can help your body gradually regain a sense of stability and safety.

Help yourself by choosing to practice self-care every day. Get plenty of rest. Eat nutritious food. Indulge. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Whatever it is, just do something to meet your personal needs.

Furthermore, learning how to practice self-compassion. Moving on can be a big and scary step, so be gentle with yourself as you heal and create a new life after this relationship.

15. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Forever is a misleading term. The only constant that exists in life is change. Despite our efforts to the contrary, we truly cannot hold on to anything in life forever. Everything—friends, family, and relationships—come and eventually go.

When it comes time for something to end, rather than clinging to what no longer is, realize impermanence is the nature of life and try to embrace it. Appreciate the good moments you had, cherish those memories, and let them go in exchange for new experiences. Missing someone after a breakup does not automatically mean the relationship was healthy or that reconnecting is the best choice. Emotional attachment can persist even when a relationship caused harm.

Know When to Ask for Help

The first few moments, days, or weeks following a breakup can seem debilitating. For some, ending a relationship means a loss of identity, support, and normalcy. Ending a relationship—even a toxic one—can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. However, you do not have to do it alone. Know when to seek support if you need it.

Some signs it may be time to seek additional support include repeatedly returning to the relationship despite ongoing harm, feeling stuck between knowing what needs to change and being unable to act on it, experiencing a significant drop in self-worth, or struggling to function in daily life after the relationship ends. Therapy can help people process grief, rebuild identity, strengthen boundaries, and better understand attachment patterns that may be contributing to the cycle.

If feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions persist and begin affecting your daily life after a relationship ends, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you process and acknowledge your feelings in a healthy way. A qualified mental health professional can help you examine the past relationship in a safe place free of judgement while you work toward achieving a more complete sense of self after the relationship has ended.

Even if you feel like there is no hope after severing an important tie in your life, remember you can heal and you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and complements you and your happiness.

Letting go of an unhealthy relationship is rarely just a single decision, it is often a process of building the emotional capacity, support, and safety needed to move forward. That process can take time, and it often requires significant courage.

References:

1. Pierce, A. F., Protter, D. S. W., Watanabe, Y. L., Chapel, G. D., Cameron, R. T., & Donaldson, Z. R. (2024). Nucleus accumbens dopamine release reflects the selective nature of pair bonds. Current Biology, 34(2), 341-349. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2023.12.041
2. Rinne, P., Lahnakoski, J. M., Saarimäki, H., Tavast, M., Sams, M., & Henriksson, L. (2024). Six types of loves differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cerebral Cortex, 34, bhae331. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhae331
3. Yang, Y., Wang, C., Shi, J., & Zou, Z. (2024). Joyful growth vs. compulsive hedonism: A meta-analysis of brain activation on romantic love and addictive disorders. Neuropsychologia, 204, 109003. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2024.109003
4. Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2024). Exploring the effects of volunteering on the social, mental, and physical health and well-being of volunteers: An umbrella review. Voluntas: International Journal of Voluntary and Nonprofit Organizations, 35(1), 97-128. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11266-023-00573-z
5. Kang, S. J., Liu, S., Kim, J. H., Kim, D. I., Oh, T. G., Peng, J., Ye, M., Lee, K. F., Evans, R. M., Goulding, M., & Han, S. (2025). Thalamic CGRP neurons define a spinothalamic pathway for affective pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(29), e2505889122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2505889122
6. Tabassum, F., Mohan, J., & Smith, P. (2016). Association of volunteering with mental well-being: A lifecourse analysis of a national population-based longitudinal study in the UK. BMJ Open, 6(8), e011327. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011327

Summer bursts of life and leisure, a great season for self-care. People often underestimate how refreshing self-care can be for the mind, body, and spirit. Self-care should be incorporated into our regular routine to ensure we don’t miss out on its many health benefits. Those practicing consistent self-care reflect it in their lives. They can appear more balanced, centered, and present.

What does it mean to practice self-care? Essentially, it is taking time out to care for our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In our fast-paced, technological society, slowing down can be challenging. In this article I will give you seven tips for slowing down and making space for self-care.

Schedule time off

• Daily: How are you starting your day? The morning is a great time for reflection, affirmation, meditation, and prayer. Your day will no doubt be hurried—slow it down a bit and take care of yourself. Read some good material, turn off the news, and make your gratitude list.
• Weekly: I believe something spiritual exists in taking one day to rest. Rest can help restore and regenerate your mind, body, and spirit. Consider taking one day a week off, with no work and no house chores.
• Monthly: Try taking one weekend off a month. Whether you choose to do a little get-away or a staycation, one weekend off a month is a good practice for self-care.

Spend time outdoors

Summer is often a superb time to rest and get refreshment. Being outdoors in nature can be a great way to energize your soul. Try taking a hike in the hills or walking in the woods. If you live near the coast, strolling along the ocean shore or laying on the warm sand can also be great ways to relax. You can feel rejuvenated simply by sitting in a serene environment and quieting your mind and body.

Exercise daily

There are many ways to exercise during the summer, when the weather is warm and inviting. Jogging, swimming, and bicycling are all popular summer workouts. Exercising is not just for keeping off the pounds–it is also a good way to take care of your brain.

A good cardiovascular workout can improve circulation in your brain and promote balanced brain chemistry. High intensity aerobic exercise can release endorphins into your body. Endorphins in turn help release mood-boosting neurotransmitters such as dopamine.

In addition, regular exercise can help regulate the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones are the ones that directly impact the fight-or-flight response system in your brain. By keeping cortisol and adrenaline levels in check, exercise can help your stress levels stay stable.

Take time to breathe

As it turns out, breathing is not just essential for keeping you alive. If done correctly, it can actually help to lower blood pressure, pulse rate, and stress levels. I am a big proponent of taking a calming breath, also known as diaphragmatic breathing. This type of deep breathing can help:

• Release serotonin, the feel-good neurotransmitter, into the bloodstream.
• Cleanse lactic acid, which can heighten feelings of anxiety, from the blood.
• Increase alpha brain waves, giving you a sense of calm.

Sleep is essential

Knowing how much sleep your body needs and getting the required amount is key to self-care. Sleep patterns can change during the summer. Melatonin, a hormone produced by the body and released in the dark, helps us feel tired. Melatonin signals to the brain that it is time to sleep. Extended light hours during the summer means that release of melatonin is delayed, so our body doesn’t feel like sleeping until later when it is dark. Our normal sleep pattern, called the circadian rhythm, can be delayed as the day is longer during the summer months.

Think back on the last time you didn’t get enough sleep—it likely affected your entire day. A lack of sleep can impact our mental health, relationships, productivity, and overall well-being. Remember the importance of a good night’s sleep and get plenty of rest during the summer.

Take time for leisure

Taking time for something you enjoy is paramount for mental health, whether you like to read a good book, go to the movies, or get a massage. One good way to practice self-care is to get involved in a hobby such as painting or gardening. With longer days and warmer weather, summer can be an ideal time to try new leisure activities.

Eat well

Since more crops are in season during the warmer months, summer can be a convenient time to incorporate more nutritious food in your diet. What we put into our bodies directly affects our well-being. To optimize your brain health:

• Try eating more complex carbohydrates. These are found in whole grains, vegetables, beans and peas.
• Stay away from refined foods like chips, crackers, and cookies.
• Consider getting protein from organic poultry, fish, or beef, as these will not have preservatives or additives.
• Try limiting your consumption of caffeine, sugar, and alcohol when possible.

These seven tips are not an exhaustive list, but they can get you going on your way to practicing self-care. Keep in mind the best version of yourself will emerge from how well you take care of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. If you would like personal guidance on forming a self-care plan, consider visiting a counselor for advice.

References:

1. Altman, D. (2014). The mindfulness toolbox. Eau Claire, WI: Pesi Publishing & Media.
2. Collins, R. (2016, March 29). Exercise, depression, and the brain. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/exercise#1
3. The physiology of sleep. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://sleepdisorders.sleepfoundation.org/chapter-1-normal-sleep/the-physiology-of-sleep-the-endocrine-system-sleep

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I feel so strung out lately. I definitely consider myself a people-pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to make sure friends, family, and coworkers are happy, even if it leaves me feeling drained and dissatisfied.

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This problem is probably best exemplified by my difficulty saying no. Whether I’m being asked to help someone or getting invited to lunch, I don’t know how to decline without feeling terrible about myself. I want to be a good friend, and part of being a good friend is being there for people. It just leaves me ragged sometimes because, as an introvert, I need a good amount of time alone to recharge. I’m rarely able to do that. So I’m stressed a lot and just have the sense that time is flying by. I don’t feel grounded and at peace, and I think it all comes down to not attending to my own needs.

Do you deal with this a lot in your practice? What do you tell people who have a hard time saying no to others? Some practical suggestions for how to say no respectfully would be helpful as well. Thank you. —Yes Woman

Dear Yes Woman,

It sounds like you are exhausted in every conceivable way—it must be a difficult way to live your life. You are consistently putting everyone else before yourself, to your own detriment. One place to start tackling this issue is with a thorough exploration of it and its meaning to you. For example, what would it mean to you to say no? Are you concerned about what others would think, or not think, about you? How would this impact your relationships? How might it change how you view yourself? Partnering with a therapist to answer these questions could be quite helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the beliefs and feelings you have around this pattern of behavior.

With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I wonder if engaging in such a process would lead you to the realization that being there for people is part of how you identify yourself. If this bears out, it seems possible that disappointing anyone feels so unthinkable because it effectively serves as a threat to your identity. If you view yourself as a “go-to” kind of person who always “comes through” for others, the simple act of saying no might challenge how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. If so, a therapist could be helpful to you in uncovering other aspects of your identity and shifting your focus to developing those areas. With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I also want to be respectful of your request for some practical suggestions for saying no respectfully. You mention that even saying no to a lunch invitation is difficult for you. What if, instead of answering either yes or no, you allowed yourself to say something like, “Well, I can’t do it today, but how about next week?” As for requests that are less social and more about helping someone else, you can still try to schedule those things in a way that doesn’t feel overly burdensome for you. Sometimes, all the creative scheduling in the world won’t work and you may just have to say no. Even in these cases, you can still offer help through brainstorming about how else to address the issue and express your sincere regret that you aren’t able to help this time.

Regardless of whether you choose to try some ideas for saying no or dive in to an exploration of the larger issues, you deserve to learn how to prioritize yourself and your needs. I hope you are able to find some ways to give yourself this gift.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

What do you consider an optimal work-life balance? People may have slightly different views on what an “ideal” work-life balance is for them, but there is a general consensus, from medical and mental health professionals alike, that maintaining this balance is important to overall well-being.

In today’s society, it is often difficult to achieve this ideal balance between professional and personal life. For those who experience symptoms of ADHD, it may be even harder. More specifically, individuals with ADHD may find it challenging to keep up with their workload in addition to aspects of their personal life. They may often feel as if they are always trying to play catch-up, or merely trying to stay afloat, as they attempt to get things done. A lack of downtime, or anxiety about not getting anything done during downtime, may impede enjoyment of life and prevent people from feeling successful about the things they have been able to complete.

Furthermore, many people who have ADHD use tools to help them cope with their symptoms. While these tools are often extremely helpful, they may increase the amount of time needed to complete various tasks. For example, it may take extra time to set up an app or calendar to get and stay organized before completing a particular task or tasks.

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Another common dilemma some may experience while striving to obtain an optimal work-life balance is whether it’s better to work longer hours in order to stay organized and on top of work tasks or work more standard hours and have more personal time but potentially be less effective or successful at work. The answer to this question is likely to depend on each person, along with a number of other factors.

The following suggestions can help everyone, especially people who experience symptoms of ADHD, take steps toward achieving their ideal work-life balance.

1. Identify your optimal work-life balance. 

Does this mean you work longer hours at the office if needed but never take work home? Does it mean you never respond to work emails over the weekend? Does it mean you leave work early twice a week to coach your child’s team and work later on certain nights to make up for it? Identifying solutions that are ideal for you can help you begin taking steps to achieve them.

2. To the extent that is possible, choose a job that interests you and plays to your strengths.

If you frequently have new ideas but struggle with doing the same thing over and over again, you might consider a job where each day is different and you don’t sit behind a desk all day. If you struggle with small details, a position that does not require you to complete highly detailed projects may be ideal. If you find it hard to work under pressure and it takes you a long time to complete specific tasks, especially on deadline, you may want to avoid private sector jobs where you would be penalized for billing too many hours, and so on.

3. Consider the impact your mental health can have. 

Anxiety can often co-occur with ADHD, especially in relation to work and home life. If you are anxious about getting all of your work done and balancing things at home, you are likely to be even less successful in both places. Thus, taking charge of any anxiety, and taking steps to address it, is an important aspect of work-life balance. Using tools to prioritize time more effectively can often help. Delegating more (when feasible) is another helpful strategy. It’s possible to take some steps individually, but it is also encouraged to seek support from a professional, such as a therapist or coach, when working on developing these types of skills.

Depression can also frequently occur with ADHD, especially after prolonged periods of difficulty at work and home. Developing the ability to be more on top of work tasks and personal goals and needs may help reduce symptoms, but it is often difficult to minimize depression symptoms without professional help. With the support of a trained and compassionate counselor, you can begin learning strategies to reframe negative thoughts and better understand any underlying issues and conflicts. In some cases, therapists may also refer a person for medication, when such an intervention may be helpful.

This list is not exhaustive. It is simply intended to get you thinking about your optimal work-life balance and factors (ADHD as well as others) that could be inhibiting it. Once you have considered these things, you may find it easier to begin taking action to improve your work-life balance and take care of all of your needs.

If you are not happy with your current work-life situation, I encourage you to begin making what changes you can on your own. The support of a mental health professional can also be greatly beneficial as you figure out how to make your aspirations a reality in order to obtain as much satisfaction from life as you possibly can.

References:

1. Jans, T., & Jacob, C. (2013). ADHD in families. In Surman C. (Ed.) ADHD in adults: A practical guide to evaluation and management (161-190). Totowa, NJ, Humana Press.
2. Tejera, V. A. (2014). Work-life balance issues among mental health professionals capstone. MOJ Public Health, 1(1): 00005. Retrieved from http://medcraveonline.com/MOJPH/MOJPH-01-00005.php

I had a conversation with a friend the other day regarding authenticity—a value that I place close to my heart. It seems, in these times of “fake news” and the questioning of the integrity of many of the systems around us, the idea of living an authentic life is sometimes met with a shrug.

Our society is built around the façade of masking our true selves to please others, to build our “brands,” and to be the face of whatever role we are playing in that particular moment—parent, partner/spouse, worker, boss, coach, friend, neighbor, caregiver. No matter what is actually happening inside us or in the other pieces of our life, we are taught to compartmentalize each section in order to be successful.

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As a clinician, I am able to see the effects on those who have to put on these masks, to the detriment of their inner happiness. I see the toll it can take on those who feel pressured to act as if they are a certain way, feel a certain way, or believe a certain thing that isn’t a reflection of their true self.

It can be heartbreaking.

It hurts to see a spouse pretend she has been happy for years in a stagnant marriage because she couldn’t stand the idea of judgment from being vulnerable with peers or family members.

It can be devastating to watch someone realize their shallow friendships are the cause of a deep feeling of loneliness despite constantly being around people.

It is horrible to see someone’s creative energy drained by a workplace that expects a happy face and a butt in a chair regardless of their ideas and desire to better serve.

So how can we better connect with who we are—even when there is a role to play?

There is often a fear of being authentic, especially within relationships. From a young age, we are told to “just be ourselves” without any additional prompting of who we are or should be. So often, we try to figure out who we are based on who everyone around us is, and how they respond to us within a situation. We spend our adolescent years “trying on” different identities, and then just going with the pieces that are accepted by those around us.

So when we are “being ourselves,” we are actually often being the person that the world has molded us into, for better or for worse.

When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.

As adults, we get sucked into our routines with career and family life, often to the detriment of our creative minds and physical bodies. We begin to identify with those roles, often forgetting about our true value systems and the ways our idealist younger selves wanted to impact the world.

When processing with people in therapy about self-care, it can be revealing to talk about that idealist younger self. What did they love to do? What kind of people did they enjoy being around? What did they want for their future self? How are they different from who they are now?

While we often think of self-care as sitting in front of Netflix or getting a manicure, the most impactful self-care is finding ways to get back to our true identity and being authentic about what that looks like.

In other words, our responsible adult selves are good at taking the fun out of things.

If we go back and revisit that younger self, we often can find pieces of our identity that we can bring back into the picture to give ourselves more joy.

For example:

• If you enjoyed creating or spent time just listening to music as a child, or wrote short stories for fun, those are things that could bring a note of authenticity back into your life. In taking time for yourself to create in this way, you can bring more enjoyment into your life.
• If you were an athlete, but now find yourself at a desk job, you may want to find ways to incorporate the sports that you loved. Even if you can no longer physically play those sports, coaching them—or finding another way to be involved—could help you to reconnect with who you are.

When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.

Learning about who we truly are, what we enjoy, and what really brings us to life can make those self-care moments go so much further. Because if you’re going to take time away to focus on doing something for yourself, it should be something that truly brings you joy.

If you’ve lost touch with who you really are, meeting with a licensed therapist may help.

We all have things we’d like to accomplish. However, many of us struggle at times in the pursuit of our goals. We lack motivation, have no energy to get started, or don’t know where to begin. We procrastinate or find excuses. Then we judge ourselves harshly for being “lazy” or “slacking.” Sometimes all we need is a jump-start, a strategy or two to get us moving when we’re feeling stuck or we’ve been idling too long.

Here are some tried-and-true ideas:

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1. Set a timer for 15 minutes. You know those clothes that came out of the dryer and need to be folded? Or the dishes that magically appeared in the sink? Instead of secretly wishing those things would disappear, challenge yourself and make a game of it. See how much you can accomplish in just 15 minutes; set the timer and go! You may be surprised at the number of things you can complete in a short period of time, especially when you’re racing against the clock. It also helps to know there is an end to the chore. In just 15 minutes, it will be done. Or, by then, you will have tricked yourself into continuing, because you’re on a roll and find you want to complete the task rather than leave some of it undone.
2. Buddy up. You’ve promised yourself that you’re going to wake up early and go for morning walks, but that pledge was made a month ago and you still haven’t found your sneakers. Find a partner to keep you accountable. Ask those around you if they’d be interested in doing the same thing. Once you find one or two “buddies,” decide to check in with each other the night before to keep yourselves on track. Self-motivation can be difficult. Send reminders and support one another.
3. Same time, same place. Consistency helps with motivation. If you intend to read more, decide on a location and time that you can devote to reading regularly. It might be picking your favorite corner of a coffee shop at noon or the comfy chair in your living room at 8 p.m. each evening. Have your book at the ready and devote an hour or so to fulfilling your intention. By being consistent, you may be less likely to hesitate or compromise and allow other things to get in the way. If you have a project you need to work on (college applications, cleaning your closets, putting together a presentation) and you find yourself doing anything and everything to avoid it, schedule a consistent block of time each day to chip away at it. An example would be setting aside 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. daily until the project is complete. You may find yourself devoting less time to debating yourself and more time to doing. One important thing to note: there is often no ideal time or place. If you’re waiting for that, you may never get started. Just go with what works and take it from there.
4. Go public. This can be scary, for sure, but words have so much power. Once you declare what you want to accomplish, you may have more energy behind what you set out to do. You might be surprised to receive the support of others. While that may not always be the case, you can even be fueled by naysayers. Adopt an “I’ll show them!” attitude and devote more attention to what you want to see happen. When you own your goals in a big way, when you aren’t whispering them into the wind, you may be more likely to take big steps in accordance with them.
5. Set up a reward. Go ahead, wave that “carrot”! Think about how you could reward yourself, either at intervals or upon completion. A reward could be as simple as getting up and getting a cup of coffee after you complete some paperwork, or buying a new pair of jeans upon achieving a weight-loss goal. Remind yourself that the reward is something you know you’d really enjoy, even more so having earned it.
6. Remove obstacles. Do what you can to set the stage for success. For example, if you’re seeking to work on your taxes, gather all that you might need prior to beginning the project rather than approaching it piecemeal, which may only serve to frustrate you. If you’re trying to make it to an early workout class, lay out your workout clothes the night before and have your bottle of water ready to go in the refrigerator. You want to be able to get up and go rather than face obstacles like not being able to find your shirt in the dark. Another example might be thinking about beginning therapy. Find a therapist whose schedule can accommodate you, whose office isn’t too far from home or work, or who accepts your insurance so you don’t find the cost prohibitive. [amazon_affiliate]
7. Know your “why.” Give some thought to what you will gain as result of taking the action you’re considering. Your “why” needs to be for you and not someone else. Having clarity around it may enable you to break through the inertia that held you back. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, describes the “why” as the higher cause, the vision you have. The mechanics of what you are setting out to do, the “what” and the “how,” are lifted to a new level of meaning when you know your “why,” thereby inspiring you to take action with a greater sense of purpose.

Don’t assume you’ll suddenly become motivated. Utilize one or more of these strategies to begin moving forward. Sometimes all you need is to take the first step or two to begin building the momentum you want to see.

Reference:

Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group.