Being in relationships is a natural and necessary part of life. Human beings are designed to form bonds with each other. In fact, a lack of healthy bonds with other people can cause a variety of symptoms, including depression, anxiety, addictive behaviors, and so on.

But if it’s so natural, why is it so difficult for many people to form healthy attachments? The relationship lessons that they have received in life may be at fault.

If you watch most small children, you will see that they are natural-born relationship seekers. On the playground, they will spot other children, rush up to them, stare them in the eyes, maybe even take their hands, and begin to play together. If they’re very small, they’ll just sit near each other, playing separately in the sand, separate but together.

It’s similar to dogs. Dogs are also social animals. When they see another dog, they want to engage. “Hello, you’re a dog. I’m a dog, too. Let’s get to know each other.” We can learn a lot from dogs.

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Infants seek out the eyes of everyone around them. Sometimes it feels like you’re being pulled in by powerful magnets, the intensity of their stare is so strong. “I see you. Do you see me?”

But then children grow up and stop being so unabashed about their desire to connect. Many adults still long for connection but have learned to hide their wanting.

Most of the knowledge that we’ve received about how to be in relationships comes from the ways in which our immediate families interacted. As children, we experienced how our families related to us—attentive, dismissive, or unpredictable. We observed how family members related to each other. We learned which emotions can be expressed and which are seemingly better off repressed. We learned strategies to get the love, attention, and connection we needed, or we learned to give up on getting those needs met.

Most of the knowledge that we’ve received about how to be in relationships comes from the ways in which our immediate families interacted.

If you want connection but avoid it; if there’s always a wedge between yourself and others because you’ve learned to hide your true feelings; if you repeat behaviors that result in people distancing themselves from you, it might just mean that you have more to learn. You may have had lousy teachers, a poor lesson plan, or come to the wrong conclusions about the meanings of the lessons.

Here is an example of a common misunderstanding:

Lesson: A person doesn’t love you.

Wrong answer No. 1: You are unworthy of his or her love.

Wrong answer No. 2: He or she is a bad person.

Possible correct answer No. 1: That person does not love you for reasons you may not be able to understand, and it may have nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean he or she is a bad person.

Possible correct answer No. 2: You may have behaviors that cause others to distance themselves from you. It could be beneficial to learn about those behaviors so you can have more control over them. Those behaviors don’t mean you’re unworthy of love.

The lesson here is that it’s in our nature for people to love and be loved, but it can be a complicated one to learn. The first step is to forgive ourselves for our difficulties. The second step is to seek out new teachers and reexamine old conclusions. We may never be able to return to the open-eyed trust of our infancy, but we may be able to restore some of our natural ability to form relationships.

Matt and Michele, as we’ll call them, had a pretty good engagement period. Matt spoiled Michele with flowers and sweet, little notes. They went to movies, took long walks, had heart-to-heart talks. Why, then, did she have some kind of unpleasant, gnawing feeling inside?

Well, there was the one time that their phone conversation didn’t go very well. Matt had been out of town on business and a friend invited Michele to a party. She never dreamed going would be a problem, but it was. When Matt returned from his trip, he accused her of flirting with other men, not loving him, disloyalty, and more.

‘Tip of the Iceberg’ Phenomenon

Michele has a soft heart. “He is just upset,” she told herself. “He’s insecure. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

That was her first mistake. These little signs are generally not anomalies. When a person shows you a glimpse of something concerning, don’t overlook it. Don’t dismiss it. While it is true that Matt is insecure and this burst of nasty accusations comes from his insecurity, that doesn’t make it OK to make them.

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It appears Matt has trust issues. Perhaps he has seen infidelity or experienced it before. He needed to open up to Michele and explain to her that this is his problem. But you know what? People with trust issues are often afraid to do that. That’s exactly what a trust issue looks like. So he’s stuck: He wants her. He doesn’t trust her. And he’s too insecure to tell her. He’s also too insecure to give up the relationship.

Somehow, he got the distorted view that if he lashes out, her fear of him will keep her in her place. Is that the foundation of a relationship?

Since the answer to this question is obvious (no, it is not the foundation of a relationship), Michele should have taken note. She should have backed off from a potentially toxic relationship. But like so many people, she wanted to overlook what may be the tip of the iceberg.

Once the Knot Is Tied

There were many charming qualities in Matt: He was nice, a wonderful conversationalist, full of dreams and hope, and he did little, loving things for her, like buying her a book she’d been mentioning she wanted to read. He once made a dinner just for her at his apartment. OK, it was takeout, but the thought was there.

So they got married and the good stuff did not go away. Matt still brought her flowers and there were love notes attached. He poured her coffee in the morning and he tiptoed around at night when she was sleeping. The problem was that Matt’s insecurities and anxieties propelled a constellation of destructive behavior. The accusations did not go away, and he added yelling and anger to those. Sometimes he would spice it all up with sarcasm, which he called “humor.”

But the knot had been tied. What is Michele to do? Should she give up on a person she loves even though she feels that, underneath it all, Matt has a good soul? Or should she be the “helpmate” that she wants to be and try to help him overcome this?

The old saying that a person can change only if he or she wants to is partially correct. Usually, people don’t realize that they need to change, and telling them that they do just puts them on the defensive. Nevertheless, there are solid approaches Michele can take.

Making the Decision

Fixing the problem may not be a quick and easy process. In fact, it almost certainly won’t be. Matt may resist the idea that he is hurtful; after all, nobody wants to see themselves that way.

Nevertheless, if Michele tells Matt that their relationship is not working and needs fixing, he may perk his ears up. If he truly cares—and takes responsibility—then he will ask Michele what can be done about it.

At this point, they have several options: see a therapist, clergyperson, or neutral friend; order a self-help marriage course or book; or Matt can join a group for people who struggle with abusive behavior. Enough time must be allowed to pass, several months, for meaningful changes to take place. When people are committed, they will work hard to repair problems. Matt will not only benefit from anger management but needs to overcome his insecurities, recognize when his insecurities are dictating his reactions, and learn to trust people, especially his wife.

While this is a tall order that can take years to fully realize, family members and friends should start to see some changes in three months or so. If you can see that the direction Matt is headed is positive, then the rest should take care of itself with therapy and time. I have seen countless people make wonderful first steps in these areas—if they are sincere about working on themselves. If Michele works on her own hurts—how to express them and be assertive (but not aggressive)—there is true hope for this relationship.

Of course, the possibility exists that Matt will apologize but continue to do the same, old thing. Tears don’t work; when Michele cries, he may say, “What about me?” Begging doesn’t work, either; Matt may just tell her she needs help and should get therapy. Never mind that he is the cause of her distress. He may not seek out help, and when other people hint that maybe it would be useful, he may brush it off.

If this happens, Michele is getting a message. The message is: expect this kind of treatment for the rest of your life. While sad for Michele, she can use that information to learn how to be more in tune with her qualms in the next relationship.

Although recent developments in the investigation into the crash of Germanwings Flight 9525 reveal that copilot Andreas Lubitz had recently researched suicide methods and the security of cockpit doors, making it appear as though he deliberately crashed the plane in a suicide attempt, many unanswered questions remain regarding his motivations for bringing down a plane full of passengers. The media have latched onto Lubitz’s history of depression and mental health treatment, painting a grim portrayal of hidden mental health challenges. Some headlines appear to suggest that depression alone can lead a person to behave violently toward others, though this is rarely the case. In the aftermath of a violent tragedy like this one, news headlines frequently point to a perpetrator’s mental health issues, leading the public to believe that conditions like depression and the people who experience them should be feared, when in fact, issues like depression, anxiety, and anger are common, everyday concerns that affect many millions of people around the world and are infrequently associated with extreme violence.

Can Depression Make a Person Homicidal?

Though depression is a leading factor in suicide, affecting about 90% of people who kill themselves, it’s certainly not the only reason people harm themselves. Challenging life circumstances, social rejection, a breakup, poverty, terminal or chronic illness, and a host of other factors can contribute to a person considering or attempting suicide.

Ruth Wyatt, a licensed therapist in New York, told GoodTherapy.org that suicide is a complicated issue. “I think it is important to remember that the vast majority of people being treated with counseling and/or medication for depression or other emotional issues are not suicidal,” she said.

Suicide, though, is not the same as homicide. There is no evidence suggesting that people with depression are more likely than people who do not have depression to harm others. Thus moves to prohibit pilots who have depression from flying or to implement workplace mental health screenings may do nothing to prevent a future catastrophe. Research has consistently shown that people labeled as “mentally ill” are significantly more likely to be victims of violence than they are to be perpetrators. A 2014 study found that a third of people with mental health issues are victimized in any given six-month period.

Mental Health and the Workplace

Lubitz is not the only person to have ever concealed a mental health issue from an employer. Indeed, for many people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns, sharing the diagnosis with an employer could feel inappropriate.

One recent study found that nearly 40% of people would not tell their employers about a mental health condition. Half of that group worried that disclosing a mental health condition might negatively impact their careers. These concerns are not necessarily misplaced, either. Sixty percent of respondents said they’d be concerned if a colleague had a mental health issue, with 40% saying they’d be worried that mental health issues could impact workplace safety.

Workers with mental health concerns may face ostracism at work, and in some cases, could even lose their jobs. News of the Germanwings crash has prompted some workplace safety advocates to push for pilots with mental health issues to be ousted from their jobs. Given that about one in four adults experiences a mental health issue each year, making a job contingent upon a mental health screening could leave millions out of work.

Stigma and Treatment

At first glance, mandating mental health screenings for those whose jobs can be used to harm others might seem like a practical measure. After all, mental health services are notoriously difficult to access, and some people with mental health issues are reticent to seek assessment or treatment. Some, like Lubitz, actively conceal their diagnoses, even when they may not be well enough to work.

However, forced screenings and treatment also have the power to raise needless alarm bells about mental health. When a job requires people to undergo mental health screenings, the subtle message may be that those with mental health issues are unqualified. This can increase mental health stigma, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that stigma is the leading barrier to mental health treatment.

[fat_widget_left]A 2014 study of 90,000 people found that 75% of people with mental health issues do not seek treatment. Researchers found that stigma was the most commonly cited reason for not pursuing treatment. Other reasons included shame and embarrassment—two emotions that may be heightened by sensationalized coverage of mental health issues.

Andrew Archer, a licensed clinical social worker in Madison, Wisconsin, worries that excessive reliance on mental health screenings could eventually label everyone as “mentally ill.”

“The ubiquity of screenings, awareness, and treatment for mental health issues will ultimately conclude that we all have a ‘mental illness,’ ” Archer said. “Major life stressors such as the ending of a relationship or role transitions have the potential to push us all over the edge. The impact is moderated by our safety nets—supportive, loving relationships—who won’t let us fall. Suicide is the shrapnel that rips through entire communities. The truth is that mental health providers have become incredibly skillful at predicting when someone will not commit suicide, but are less effective at predicting when someone will.”

Treatment can and does work for many people experiencing mental health conditions, even for people struggling with obstacles that seem insurmountable. If you are experiencing a mental health condition or emotional crisis, consider finding a trained mental health professional who can assist you in your recovery. Additionally, if you are or someone you love is experiencing suicidal thoughts, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or your local law enforcement agency immediately.

References:

1. Adolescents Cope with Mental Illness Stigmas, Report CWRU Researchers. (2010, May 25). Retrieved from http://blog.case.edu/case-news/2010/05/25/mentalillnessstudy
2. Brown, Pamela, Smith-Sparker, Laura, and Pleitgen, Frederik. (2015, April 2). Germanwings Crash: Co-pilot researched suicide methods, cockpit doors. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/02/europe/france-germanwings-plane-crash-main/
3. Greenberg, Gary. (2015, April 2). No, psychiatry could not have prevented the Germanwings Disaster. Retrieved from http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/no-psychiatry-could-not-have-prevented-the-germanwings-disaster
4. Frequently asked questions. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/frequently-asked-questions
5. Mental illness facts and numbers. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www2.nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pdf
6. Shipman, M. (2014, February 25). Study shows mentally ill more likely to be victims, not perpetrators, of violence. Retrieved from https://news.ncsu.edu/2014/02/wms-desmarais-violence2014/
7. Stigma of mental illness. (2013, October 04). Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/data_stats/mental-illness.htm
8. Stigma of mental illness remains barrier to treatment. (2014, February 26). Retrieved from http://consumer.healthday.com/mental-health-information-25/anxiety-news-33/the-stigma-associated-with-mental-illness-remains-a-key-barrier-to-health-care-685196.html
9. Violence and mental illness: The facts. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://promoteacceptance.samhsa.gov/publications/facts.aspx?printid=

I recently overheard a young woman bemoaning that her 2-year-old was “too chubby” so she was going to put her on a diet. This started me thinking about people who are unaware of the negative consequences that result from anxieties about how their children appear to the world, especially their weight, body type, and demeanor.

“Teri” began therapy expressing anxiety and depression, mostly about her appearance: “I was an overweight kid, and everyone always made fun of me. I lost a lot of weight by high school, but it was only after I went away to college that I could reinvent myself and feel a little better about how I looked. But I kept on worrying if people liked me. Now I’m a 43-year-old woman and I’m still upset all the time about my weight and my looks. My doctor tells me that I’m not overweight, but I see all those thin, beautiful women out there, and that’s not me. I can’t lose the 15 pounds I keep trying to lose. My husband tells me that I have a great body. But how can that be when I’m not a size 2?”

Over a number of months, Teri expressed many worries—not only about her physical appearance, but about what people thought of her. Then, about eight months into therapy, Teri began to sob: “The worst thing right now, maybe worse than my gaining two pounds, is … she hates me. My daughter Marni hates me. She should. I’m a terrible mother.”

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Teri hadn’t spoken much about her 15-year-old daughter. It certainly isn’t unusual for mothers and daughters to be fighting as daughters try to separate during adolescence. I wondered if this was typical mother-daughter separation dynamics, if this was more of Teri’s intense need for positive response, or if something else was going on. I asked Teri to tell me more about why she thought she was such a terrible mother.

“I can’t get it right,” Teri said. “I think Marni is depressed. She always looks unhappy. She’s alone on the computer or watching TV a lot. She goes to a great private school with really great kids from good families. But her friends are so nerdy. She doesn’t care about joining teams or clubs or about much of anything. I can’t believe my daughter doesn’t care at all about what she looks like or how other people think about her. We fight about everything: where she goes, her spending, her friends, what she eats, what she wears. She’s getting fat. I can’t stand it. I don’t like my feelings; mothers shouldn’t feel this way. But Marni isn’t the daughter I imagined I would have.”

I responded to Teri’s distress: “This sounds so painful for you. I can see how difficult it is for you that Marni isn’t interested in what is so important to you: to have a particular appearance and to be well liked by everyone. Since childhood, nothing has been more vital to you than being thin and popular. Marni is rejecting this as having value for her.”

Teri responded: “It’s true. It’s scary that she doesn’t understand the trouble she’ll have if she doesn’t make herself socially desirable. You know my family didn’t have much money. Thank goodness my husband and I do well enough. I thought that I could make my daughter happy if I bought her nice clothes, sent her to a prestigious school, and gave her advantages. But somehow it doesn’t matter. I think she’s miserable.”

It made sense to me that Marni, like her mother, hadn’t developed a positive sense of herself. I believed that she experienced Teri’s worries about her as statements about how she wasn’t measuring up to Teri’s standards. This could affect her self-esteem and self-confidence and make her anxious about asserting herself in the world. She was also probably struggling with separation and individuation, trying to be different from her socially anxious mother.

I was concerned about Marni, but I was also concerned for Teri, who loved her daughter and whose anxieties about her mothering were causing her to become more depressed. Knowing that Teri had been ridiculed and had a lot of social anxiety from elementary school on, I thought it would be helpful if she could connect her early experiences with the feelings she was having about herself and her relationship to Marni.

It certainly isn’t unusual for mothers and daughters to be fighting as daughters try to separate during adolescence. I wondered if this was typical mother-daughter separation dynamics, if this was more of Teri’s intense need for positive response, or if something else was going on.

We spent a great deal of time talking about her memories and associations to this time in her life. She spoke about how her mother was an anxious woman with no friends: “I was the center of her world. My father was away a lot, traveling for work. Mom had very little life of her own. She hardly ever left the house. She was always scared of people. I remember when I first went to school, I cried and cried. She told me I would be OK, but I have a very clear memory of her crying and looking scared.”

“Did you eventually settle in and get comfortable?” I asked.

“No,” Teri said, “I was always scared and the other kids knew it. They tortured me. They would hide my books, call me ‘fatty’ and be mean. I would tell my mother about it, but it would upset her so much, so I eventually stopped talking to her about it.”

“What would she say to you?” I wondered.

“I don’t exactly remember,” Teri said, “but I know she always told me that I had to smile, make friends, and be nice to people. She said I wasn’t fat and that I looked fine, but I knew I was fat and that I didn’t dress like the other kids.”

Teri began to cry: “You have no idea what it was like. I was always left out of things. I never had the right look, never got chosen for the team until the end. I finally just became a loner. I was pretty miserable. I guess I was depressed. Wow, I so don’t want Marni to have to go through these things. I’ve never quite put it together before. Of course, I knew I didn’t want Marni to be fat or unpopular because people make fun of you. But as I’m remembering how terribly painful it was for me, maybe I have gotten crazy about how I don’t want it to be that way for her.”

As I listened, I realized that I didn’t know what Teri actually knew about Marni’s experiences. I asked: “Do you think she has been ridiculed like you were?”

“I suppose not,” Teri said. “She has more friends and isn’t really fat like I was, just a little overweight.”

“Are there other differences that you can see between your childhood experiences?” I asked.

“You, know, I’ve never thought of this before,” Teri said, “but I complained to my mother all the time until I realized she couldn’t help me. But Marni never complains about how she is treated by her peers. Hmm … maybe she is having a very different experience than I did. She does seem more OK with her relationships at school than I was. I don’t think she gets mistreated, but I do think she’s depressed.”

“If you had to guess, what do you think she is depressed about?” I asked.

“Well, I get depressed when I feel bad about myself,” Teri replied. “I suppose she could be feeling bad about herself.”

“What do you think could be going on that she would have bad self feelings?”

“I don’t know,” Teri said. “She never puts herself out there so she can receive special good attention or notice or recognition. She does get very good grades.”

“What about negative attention?” I asked. “Does she ever feel criticized?”

Teri became silent and started to cry again: “Oh, no. It’s me. I’m her biggest critic! I’m always on her, telling her what’s wrong with her. I knew it; I have been a terrible mother.”

Teri’s sobbing increased, and then, amid sighs, she asked, “What do we do now?”

This was a turning point in Teri’s therapy experience. She was becoming emotionally related to her traumatized child self. As she became increasingly able to emotionally remember her painful experiences, she could consider that the way she related to Marni was intended to protect her daughter from having similar traumatizing experiences. This realization allowed Teri to begin to let go of her “bad mother” feelings and accept that she had tried to be a good one.

Slowly, Teri began to feel less anxious for Marni and more able to see her daughter as someone with her own ways of being in the world. The more she could distinguish her own history and anxiety from Marni’s experiences and feelings, the less anxious each felt. Teri began to see Marni’s relationship with her friends differently. She noticed that, although Marni was alone, she was often on her cell phone or computer talking and laughing with friends. Now Teri could consider that being a good mother meant being attuned to her daughter’s life from her daughter’s point of view. When Teri could distinguish her own subjectivity from Marni’s, she had fewer critical thoughts and was more open to seeing Marni’s experiences as different rather than bad. This meant Teri was projecting less of herself and was beginning to see Marni as a more separate person with her own subjectivity.

Growing up, Teri’s family had not provided her with a view of herself that gave her the internal resources to develop a positive, confident sense of self. She needed to look to externals for positive reactions in order to feel good about herself. Recognizing this, Teri could appreciate how important it is to express positive feelings to Marni about whom she was and what she did in the world.

Teri understood that she had been projecting her standards for popularity and appearance on Marni, and now she had to give Marni the emotional space to develop her own thoughts about how she looked and appeared to the world. This facilitated Marni’s separation-individuation process, as the absence of her mother’s critical projections left more room for Marni to develop her identity, self-esteem, and confidence.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

These days, most of us live with some degree of stress. For kids, between their homework, friends, after-school activities, sports, and worries about getting into college, it’s a whole new era of anxiety. It’s no wonder, then, that the National Institute of Mental Health states that the prevalence of diagnosed anxiety disorders among 13- to 18-year-olds is 25.1%.

If you’re a parent living with an anxious child, you know how tiring and frustrating it can be—for both of you. It’s not easy to live with the kid who’s so stressed out by homework assignments that he ends up throwing the book against the wall, or tearing the papers in frustration, or working until midnight to get it perfect. Or the teen who gets a migraine every time she has to go to school or start a new activity. With a little insight into how they feel, why they act the way they do, and what we can do to help, the job of parenting anxious kids gets a little easier.

How They Feel

Anxiety doesn’t always show up as worry. Sometimes it looks like anger, irritability, sadness, or fear. After a full day at school worrying and obsessing, kids often come home exhausted—and immediately act out.

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Imagine spending an entire day in fight-or-flight mode. That’s when the brain perceives a danger and thus produces adrenaline and stress hormones to prepare for a quick getaway, like a caveman running from a tiger. This causes physical sensations such as dizziness, faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweaty palms. In this state, it’s tough to think clearly or make good, informed decisions. Even the most mature of us might lash out after all that.

Then again, sometimes these struggling kids look like stereotypical “normal” kids—at least at school, where they may crave the approval of the teachers. Keeping very contained gives them a sense of control over their environment, helping to minimize the risk of what they see as danger. But when they come home, everything changes. In the safety of their own room, they might have panic attacks, refuse to follow rules, or get violent.

What This Is NOT

If you lived with this level of stress every day, you’d probably come home and explode, too—and maybe you do. Kids tend to store up their stress and take it out on those they can trust: their parents and family members. Sometimes your home might feel like a battlefield.

What’s important to know is that this is not manipulation. Your child doesn’t want to be this way. It’s easy to think that he or she is acting out in order to get attention, or that if the child were less spoiled, less spiteful, or less rebellious, he or she would stop being “bratty.” But in reality, no one, especially a sensitive kid, would choose to constantly be in trouble.

Anxious children may lose it for a handful of reasons:

• Lack of self-control
• Storing up their frustration until it explodes
• Guilt
• Low self-esteem
• Unconsciously testing parents

How We Can Help

Anxious children generally lack two vital skills for reacting with calm and rationality. The first is regulation, or the ability to calm oneself. The second is self-soothing tools, or alternatives to turn to when their emotional temperature spikes.

The first way parents can help kids regulate is by modeling regulation. The more calm you are, the more they’ll learn from that ability. Research shows that humans’ heart rates attune with the people that they feel close to. So if someone holds us in a loving way, our heartbeats will often increase or decrease to match theirs.

Therefore, one way to help them relax is to reverse-match our activity to theirs. In other words, as they go up, we go down. If their bodies become jerky or uncontrolled, we keep our movements fluid and slow. As their volumes raise, we modulate our voices even more. And if they become angry or even nasty, we remain loving and firm.

Self-soothing tools fall into two main catagories: physical and mental. (These tools require some practice, and only their basics are described here.) Physical tools include breathing and stretching. Check out Dawn Huebner’s book, What To Do When You Worry Too Much, for great examples of how to stretch. Breathing exercises and body movement exercises help reset the inner thermostat. Exercise also helps to calm the body, so throwing a ball, jumping on a trampoline, or dancing around the living room are great ideas for breaks.

Mental self-soothing is achieved by thinking calming thoughts. This can be done with words, like a mantra that replaces the anxious thought. For instance, when a child says, “I can’t do it,” or, “I always screw up,” you can help him or her practice saying, “I just need to try my best.” Ask the child to come up with some alternate statements that make him or her feel better, and practice together.

In addition to words, images can also be self-soothing. Where is your child’s favorite place? Could he or she create an imaginary haven? When feeling stressed, have your child conjure up this “safe space” in his or her mind, whether it’s a sandy beach, flower garden, or private room. Breathing slowly and thinking about a quiet and peaceful place calms the body and soothes the mind.

The Long-Term Upside

These are sensitive kids; that’s why they feel things so deeply. So it’s helpful to remember the flipside of that sensitivity. These are children who tend to be insightful, empathetic, tuned in, passionate, dramatic, and thoughtful. They often thrive in creative pursuits and go on to amazing careers in helping professions. The traits that are so challenging to them now will serve them well as adults. For now, the best we can do is teach them to channel their sensitivity into self-care.

Reference:

Any anxiety disorder among children. (2015). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-anxiety-disorder-among-children.shtml

You are feeling frightened and ashamed to talk to your counselor about your problems with self-injury and other “bad habits.” You might worry that your counselor will feel critical or think less of you, even though you know that it is an unlikely reaction to occur to a trained therapist. You know that you must discuss your worries and problems in order for the therapy to work. This is the hardest part of therapy—and the best part, too—because here is where you learn and develop yourself more than almost anywhere else. I have some thoughts and suggestions that might help you out.

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You write that you’ve been meeting with your counselor since September. The first part of therapy usually has to do with developing a relationship of deep trust, and that takes time, as it should. Even though you understand that your counselor is experienced and qualified, you are still getting acquainted and learning to have faith in yourselves and in each other, too. So your first step is to have patience and let the treatment develop.

It’s also important to understand what a good therapist does. A good therapist has compassion for the parts of you that are destructive, the parts you’re most ashamed of, and can help you see that those parts are protective and well-intentioned—even when it doesn’t feel like it, even when the strategies behind them produce unwanted behaviors and harm.

Sometimes, before we are able to talk about what we fear, we have to learn ways to handle feeling afraid. Your counselor might be able to help you become less blown about by the winds of your powerful emotions and more able to navigate your feelings and use that feeling energy for your well-being. Right now it sounds as if you are being controlled by gale-force winds of feelings—at their mercy, really, with little ability to grab the rudder and set out for a particular direction of your choice.

The first part of therapy usually has to do with developing a relationship of deep trust, and that takes time, as it should.

You write that you “can’t find the words to start the conversation.” I think that when you are ready for the discussion the words will come—it sounds to me like you have them already. In the meantime, maybe you don’t need words anyway.

“How can I not need words?” you might ask.

Maybe at this point in your treatment, words are less important than simply being comfortable with the person who will help you learn how to live with your strong feelings. Could you ask the counselor if he or she might know some methods for calming the self, centering the self, soothing the self? Breathwork, for example, is one way to calm down, but there are other ways that you might know of already, and with a little encouragement, you can use them.

These are important issues about caring for yourself. An important part of therapy is learning how to care for yourself. Maybe you could ask for help in self-care, then later get to know who you really are, deep down. Therapy is an exploration, done with a guide who will walk the deep walk with you and protect you in your journey. Feeling safe and good self-care come first.

Eventually you will feel safe enough to speak up and communicate your fears and needs more directly. Even now I think you are beginning. Soon you might tell your counselor that you are afraid, that you have a secret and you’re afraid to say what it is. That’s the truth, and the truth is a good place to start.

Sincerely,
Lynn

One of the primary obstacles couples attempt to overcome in therapy is feeling emotionally disconnected. Life tends to get in the way, with careers, kids, home upkeep, and family activities leaving little left over for intimacy. When couples express a lack of connection, I often ask, “Can you tell me about a time when you did feel emotionally connected?” Almost inevitably, the time they describe is before they had children.

One of the most complex challenges that many couples will face is having a child. Having children emotionally revolutionizes a relationship—not just temporarily, but for a lifetime. Not only does the couple need to adjust to the transition from two to three (or more), priorities shift, roles are redefined, and there is a profound change to the level of responsibility and freedom within the relationship and in life itself.

While most couples adjust accordingly, many find that their level of intimacy starts to wane. I am not referring to sexual intimacy per se; I’m referring to emotional intimacy, which of course includes sexual intimacy. Couples who become parents may begin to feel estranged and disconnected.

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Reclaiming emotional intimacy after the birth of a child is not always easy. Many people in our culture feel overwhelmed and are overworked. What is it that allows the need for the dishes to be done to take priority over emotional intimacy? The answer may lie in the pursuit of “having it all.” We want to perfect parents, to give our children everything, and for our marriages to be happy, sexually exciting, fulfilled, and emotionally intimate.

For couples to become reconnected emotionally, they need to free themselves from the disproportionate focus on the child. They must accept that they need to schedule time alone for themselves, be it in the form of a date night or getting away every so often for a weekend. While some couples resist the idea of scheduling their time together as opposed to being spontaneous, as they probably once were, it’s a fact that once a couple become parents, they need to be more practical in order to sustain the level of emotional intimacy and connection that keeps a marriage healthy. Sometimes couples need to become industrious, intentional, and creative in their attempts to rekindle the intimacy and passion they once had.

Couples need to recognize how important the component of friendship is to their relationship. We treat our friends with kindness, consideration, and empathy. In order to sustain a happy marriage, couples must not forget the significance of being friends with each other. Unfortunately, couples sometimes treat strangers with more consideration than they treat each other; they take each other for granted.

It’s also worth noting that the small things are significant in sustaining emotional intimacy and connection—things such as a post-it note that says, “I love you,” or sending a text that says, “I’m thinking about you.” Also, I recommend that couples take a small amount of time, even five minutes if that is all they can muster, to be COMPLETELY PRESENT for each other. No technology! They must have eye contact and be genuine in wanting to know how the other is doing. Integrating these small things on a daily basis can help maintain or even boost emotional intimacy and connection. And, of course, it will benefit their sex life as well.

Parenting is difficult enough when you feel fantastic, but when you’re struggling with depression, it can seem downright impossible.

It need not be so, though. Experiencing depression doesn’t mean you can’t be an incredible, loving, smart, and effective parent. In fact, in some ways it can make you a better parent. Because of your depression, you may be extra sensitive to your children’s moods and needs. This can be a great thing!

If you’re a parent with depression, here are 10 things worth considering:

1. Sometimes “good enough” is perfectly fine. You can’t always give 100%. Some days will be harder than others. You don’t have to be a super-parent every hour of every day.
2. Find your tribe. Seek out a group of people who are aware of your condition and can help you through it. This can be an online group, but an in-person group is even better. These are the people you can call when the baby is inconsolable and you’re angry. This is the group that can remind you that your feelings are normal or tell you that you may be overreacting.
3. [fat_widget_right]Find a psychiatrist. If you’re pregnant or nursing, you need an expert who understands how antidepressants may be transmitted and how they could affect your child. Don’t go off your medication without talking to a physician. Some antidepressants are safer than others.
4. Beware of postpartum depression. Educate yourself on the difference between the baby blues and full-blown postpartum depression or psychosis. If you see signs of postpartum depression or psychosis, contact your doctor immediately. If you have thoughts about hurting your child, go to the nearest emergency room.
5. Forgive yourself and your children. Everyone makes mistakes. Be gentle with yourself and the people around you. Depression often masks as agitation, irritability, or anger.
6. You are not your condition. Your depression isn’t the only thing about you. It isn’t even the most important thing. You are a parent and may be any number of other things: a partner, a lover, a friend, an employee, a teammate, etc.
7. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Ask for help from your spouse or partner, friends, an extended family member, someone from your church or congregation, a family doctor, or a mental health professional. You may need a few minutes to talk, a medication change, or someone to take your kids for a few hours so you can seek out a therapist.
8. Lighten things up. Take a break from the news, which tends to focus on heavy and upsetting things. Listen to, read, and watch things that make you feel good, are funny, and don’t stress you out.
9. Live fearlessly. Don’t let depression stop you from doing things or meeting people. That can be easier said than done, but get out there, live large, and experience life with your children.
10. Let your children in. Depending on their ages, you may want to tell your children different things about your condition. The very youngest of children don’t need to be told anything. Around the age of 4, your mood or visits to your therapist may be noticed. You might explain that mommy or daddy sometimes gets really sad and needs help. You can relate it to when your child gets sad and you hold or comfort him or her. Older children may experience your low moods and take them personally. Here, you can use the word depression. Make sure your child knows it’s not his or her fault, and that you are taking care of yourself. If you have a hospitalization, you may choose to tell your child why you’re gone and how it will help. When your children are in their teens, use your depression as a way of explaining the condition and what to watch for. Encourage them to be open if they feel depressed or hopeless. Let them know that if they want a counselor, you will find them one.

No one expects you (or anyone else) to be perfect or “on” continually. Remember, millions of people around the world are experiencing, or have experienced, depression. You’re not alone.

The relationship cycle typical of extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows a pattern. Individuals in emotionally abusive relationships experience a dizzying whirlwind that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.

In the beginning of a romantic relationship with a person affected by narcissism, an individual may describe the initial infatuation stage as “otherworldly.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or slightly more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive courtesan has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and designation, essentially, as the most special person ever.

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Soon the relationship proceeds into a more comfortable rhythm. Perhaps the sex continues at a high intensity or it may begin to wane a bit. Gradually, the target begins to see bright red flags that indicate a problem in this fantastical paradise. The person with narcissism often may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. This may happen via putdowns, gaslighting, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, or blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues (projection).

Ultimately, the person with narcissism discards his or her dating partner, who served as a source of narcissistic supply to fuel the ego of the individual with narcissistic issues. When the target asks for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries (all healthy and valid requests that people with extreme narcissistic qualities generally do not engage in), the person with narcissism may decide that the target has lost his or her luster and is tarnished—no longer the “perfect partner” to fluff the ego feathers. Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates his or her own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse. The outcome is often shocking for the survivor, unclear as to how someone that he or she fell so deeply in love with could throw it all away.

In most cases, survivors of narcissism were able to offer empathy, compassion, authenticity, honesty, reciprocity, and compromise during the relationship. People with narcissistic tendencies are drawn to such empathic, deeply feeling people and know that, on some level, they personally are lacking in emotional depth and substance. By being in a relationship with such a nurturing, loving person, the person with narcissism is able to consume that person’s authentic love and extract narcissistic supply. Once fed over the course of days, weeks, or months, the person with narcissism is satiated and may grow bored with his or her partner. He or she must secure the supply of another target, usually in short order.

Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and support in narrating their story and resolving the trauma of emotional abuse. Understanding the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of gaslighting and other emotional abuse. Armed with knowledge, survivors understand the relationship cycle they endured and can move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the merry-go-round of emotional abuse and be just fine.

Most breakups are painful—not just for the couple, but also for those standing in the surrounding blast zone. We often hear about how divorce can affect the immediate family, but we rarely think about how a breakup or divorce affects a couple’s friends.

Studies have shown that divorce often negatively impacts those with up to two degrees of separation from the couple. If you’re friends with a recently divorced or broken-up pair, it is likely that your life may be impacted in one of the following ways.

1. You’re More Likely to Get Divorced

You wouldn’t necessarily think that someone else’s divorce could affect your marriage, but some studies show it can.

Divorce contagion is a social phenomenon wherein certain behaviors, feelings, and attitudes spread throughout a social network. This occurs because people tend to become more open to ideas and behaviors when they’re supported by their peers. When a married person talks with a divorced friend, he or she directly or indirectly learns the benefits and drawbacks of separation and may become more accustomed to or interested in the idea. If your significant other has been on the fence about the viability of your relationship, a divorce within your social circle can become a tipping point.

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According to prominent research, if your friend gets divorced, your marriage has a 147% greater chance of coming to an end. Even your coworker’s divorce could affect your life, increasing your probability for divorce by 55%. According to the same research, however, if you have children your marriage will likely remain unaffected by the divorce of a friend. Children have been found to counter the effects of the social divorce contagion. Research reveals that couples with children are not as susceptible and their marriages are likely to stay intact regardless of the outcome of friends’ marriages.

2. Couple Friendships May Dissolve

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and both you and your partner are friends with parting couples, it is quite possible that many or all of the shared friendships will dissolve. The double dates to movies, dinners, and sporting events will end immediately, but it may even be difficult to remain friends with an individual within a shared friendship.

Newly single people tend to dislike spending time with couples if it reminds them of an ended marriage or relationship that didn’t pan out. Similarly, couples may feel uneasy about spending time with a newly divorced friend if they were once friends with both partners. They may feel pressured to choose sides or reveal information to one party about the other.

In one study examining the fallout effect of ended relationships, for 50% of recently split couples, the former partners also ended friendships with one or more members of another couple with whom the former partners had been friends. One in eight couples ended their friendships with both partners in a mutual friendship. Don’t be too discouraged by these findings, however. It is quite possible to maintain your friendships after a relationship has ended. In fact, about 33% of the couples in the same study reported that they were able to remain friends with both of the individuals in a shared friendship.

3. Group Outings and Events May Never Be the Same

As mentioned earlier, if a couple in your social circle splits, your group of friends could end up losing one or both individuals from the recently parted couple. If your group is able to maintain the friendships, however, there will probably still be some difficulties when planning events such as birthday parties, group dinners, or other events that bring everyone together. One partner may not wish to see the other, forcing the group to choose when making invitations. One or both members of the former couple may choose not to come to a group event out of fear of seeing the other, or they could both come and end up arguing or making the event awkward for others in attendance.

It should be stressed that this isn’t always the case. Many couples are able to maintain healthy friendships and treat each other with kindness and respect. Regardless, your group of friends will notice some changes when it comes to getting the gang together.

4. Remaining Neutral Could Be Difficult

Most people who are mutual friends with both members of a divorced or split couple will choose to remain neutral and maintain friendships with both parties. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. Many people feel pressured to choose between friends, and they may not know how they should act around their newly divorced pals.

For this reason, people may start to distance themselves and friendships could weaken. As a mutual friend of the couple, expect to experience some uncomfortable feelings in the months following the breakup.

Help Your Friends Reach Out for Help If They Need It

Ending a relationship or filing for divorce is tough on all involved parties, including a couple’s friends. In the days, weeks, and months following a breakup or divorce, people generally reach out to friends for support, confirmation that they did the right thing, and a shoulder to lean or cry on. Be a good friend and be aware of some of the changes within your friend’s life.

If your friend has recently ended a relationship, know that some things are going to change, especially if he or she (or they) belonged to a larger social circle that you’re a part of. Be sensitive to these changes and try to help your friend get through them. If you notice he or she is exhibiting symptoms of depression or experiencing an unusual amount of stress and anxiety, please consider helping your friend find a qualified therapist to speak with. A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space, free of judgment, to help a person understand his or her feelings and behaviors related to the ended relationship, and the shifting dynamics that will inevitably occur after the split.

References:

1. Chen, Stephanie. (June 10, 2010). Could you be ‘infected’ by friend’s divorce? Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/10/divorce.contagious.gore/
2. Deal, Katherine H., and Grief, Geoffrey. (August 31, 2012). The impact of divorce on friendships with couples and individuals. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. Vol 53, Issue 6. DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2012.682894
3. Morin, Rich. (October 21, 2013). Is divorce contagious? Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/
4. Moutria, Kristen. The Effect of Divorces on Mutual Friendships. Global Post. Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/effects-divorces-mutual-friendships-14139.html

As we covered in last month’s article on microaggressions, they are often subtle, racial insults by well-intentioned people. And they’re experienced by people of color on a regular, sometimes daily, basis. One study found that 96% of African-Americans reported that they experienced microaggressions within the previous year.

Some of the most common microaggressions that racial minorities experience are:

1. When shopping or dining, the assumption that they are service workers rather than customers.
2. The assumption that minorities are likely thieves and thus are followed around retail stores. A black woman shared that this happens to her “at least once a week at places where I am receiving some kind of service.”
3. Critical and offensive comments, stated as fact, on how minorities talk, dress, or style their hair. For example: comments that a person is “too loud” or “speaks so well,” as though it is unexpected from someone of their culture.
4. Not understanding racial and cultural differences and assuming that racial minorities are the same ethnicity. For example, when my Japanese friend moved to Chinatown, people constantly asked her if she felt “at home.” She’s not Chinese. It’s not the same.
5. Assuming that all Latinos speak Spanish. No other ethnic group in the United States is expected to be bilingual.
6. Asking, “What are you?” when unable to identify his or her racial or ethnic background.

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While there are individual instances of microaggressions, there are also environmental ones. These are microaggressions that occur and are supported on a larger, societal scale:

7. The Oscars is a perfect example of the environmental aspects of microaggression. An all-white actor/actress nominee selection for the Academy Awards ceremony sends the message that white is the standard and the only important perspective or influence there is.
8. The constant bombardment of feisty, neck-rolling black women in media as a standard and accepted representation of black women.
9. Questioning and challenging the need for minority spaces within larger organizations that are dominated by the majority. For example, when I was planning a meeting for social workers of color (in a predominantly white organization), I heard the comment, “This offensive. This is wrong.”
10. Finally, the denial by people in the majority of racial experiences is a cornerstone of microaggressions.

What can be done about it? A multipronged approach is needed. First, people inflicting the pain need to stop. As in any relationship, when someone is hurt, the person who caused the hurt needs to stop the painful action, apologize, and commit to not repeating it.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Change is a long process, just like in relationships. Mistakes will be made, and painful interactions will continue to occur. But making a commitment not to engage in microaggressions is a useful start.

Here are some concrete steps and important considerations:

Stop and Think Before Speaking

How will your comment be received? Does the setting make a difference? Is it something you should say to another person?

I recently had a white friend ask me about commenting on a black woman’s hair. She knew that hair was an important and sensitive topic in the black community, and she wanted to be respectful in complimenting this woman’s hair. We talked it through and discussed what she wanted to say, why she wanted to say it, and her relationship with the woman. It seemed “safe” to compliment the woman’s hair.

Context Matters

And then I asked about the environment. Where would they be and who else would be present? Those factors can have a big impact; in this case, it changed my perspective. Suddenly a compliment no longer was “safe” and felt different when singled out to one black woman in a room of white women.

For the record, when my friend approached me to ask her question and have this discussion, she prefaced it by saying she wanted to ask me something related to race and understood if I didn’t want to have the conversation with her. She didn’t act on her privilege and assume that she could ask me anything because she’s white and I’m black. This is very different than when people approach minorities and ask them questions about race assuming that they will represent their entire race—another form of microaggression.

For those of us on the receiving end of microaggressions, we need to acknowledge its impact on us. Constant exposure to microaggressions has a significant toll on the physical and mental health of racial minorities. Research demonstrates that the cumulative effects of microaggressions are devastating. They can lead to feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and frustration.

Recognize It for What It Is

We need to acknowledge a microaggression for what it is. To ignore or dismiss it allows it to fester within us, causing harm to who we are as people. This isn’t to say it should be at the forefront of our minds each day, or that you need to confront everything you experience. But it does mean that you need to be aware that this happens and has an effect. Then you can prepare to deal with it.

Awareness Is Key

There are some situations and environments where you may experience microaggressions more frequently. If you are in an environment where you are the “only,” this may be one of those situations. Be aware of this so you can prepare for those times.

Do a Self-Inventory

The hardest part of dealing with microaggressions is that they are easily deniable.

I just like your hairstyle. What’s the big deal?

OK, so you don’t speak Spanish. It was an honest mistake. Don’t overreact!

These are common responses when calling out microaggressions. When you experience a microaggression, there’s something inside you telling you that you’ve been hurt. Perhaps you get a knot in your stomach, flashes of warmth, an instant headache, or a voice saying, “That’s not right.” Often there is some physical experience that acts as a red flag for you. Pay attention to it.

Seek Support

Have someone in your corner who sees and understands microaggressions. You need someone you can talk to and explain what happened, your feelings, and to do some reality testing with. Because the offender and bystanders will likely deny and even become defensive about microaggressions, you need someone you can talk to without defending your experience.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone in your life, seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist can help you sort through your feelings about your experiences.

Let It Out

Don’t let the self-doubt, anger, or frustration eat away at you or cause you more harm. Whether it’s walking, talking, screaming, crying, or running, find a way to let the pain out. After you’ve done this, you’ll be able to think clearly and decide on your next plan of action.

To Confront or Not Confront?

There are pros and cons to this, particularly in work settings, often placing us in a catch-22. Each circumstance and each person is different. What you need in your life changes with time and environment. Be compassionate and flexible with yourself as you make the decision to confront or not confront a microaggression.

The societal and environmental aspects of microaggressions need to change. Though it may seem overwhelming trying to change centuries-long systems of oppression, “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has” (Margaret Mead).

References:

1. Klonoff, E. A., & Landrine, H. (1999). Cross-validation of the schedule of racist events. Journal of Black Psychology, 25, pp. 231-254.
2. Pierce, C., Carew, J., Pierce-Gonzalez, D., & Willis, D. (1978). An experiment in racism: TV commercials. In C. Pierce (Ed.), Television and education, 62-88. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.
3. Steele, C. M., Spencer, S. J., & Aronson, J. (2002). Contending with group image: The psychology of stereotype and social identity threat. In M. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, 23, pp. 379-440. New York: Academic Press.
4. Sue, D. W., Capodilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., Bucceri, J. M., Holder, A. M. B., Nadal, K. L., & Esquilin, M. (2007). Racial microaggressions in everyday life: Implications for clinical practice, American Psychologist, 62(4), pp. 271-286.

Of course you are concerned! Anytime we see a behavior like that in a child and she or he is unable or unwilling to explain the change, we fear the worst. Your primary responsibility is to protect your daughter. Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

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Since you are working from intuition, it may be worth looking into having an evaluation done with a good, reputable child therapist to explore if anything has happened with your daughter. It is true that you don’t want to plant ideas in her head, but you also want to find out if something scary or inappropriate has happened and help her process it. A good therapist can do that without planting ideas. It may be that your father-in-law has been inappropriate with her. If so, you will want to connect her with professional supports as soon as possible.

Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

It also might be that she had a bad dream about him and is now scared of him. It may be that he was stern with her and she got upset and doesn’t want to engage with him. Without knowing more, it is hard to know how to proceed. I don’t want to diminish your concerns—until you know for certain that he is a safe person for her, absolutely continue to make sure that you supervise their interactions.

How receptive do you think your mother and father-in-law would be to a conversation that explored whether they had noticed a change in the way your daughter is reacting to him? If you approach it from a place of curiosity rather than accusation, you may be able to learn more. If nothing untoward has happened, they may be concerned and confused as well.

That said, if you want to wait to address any of this with them until you have more information, you can certainly do so. You know your family dynamics and should proceed in the safest way possible for everyone, particularly your daughter.

Best of luck,
Erika