AdobeStock 423899456Recently there has been an increasing trend in my practice of parents reaching out to help their adolescents manage their emotions. Parents often tell me, “My teen goes from zero to sixty, seemingly without any provocation. Nothing I say seems to help. Discipline doesn’t have an impact.”

I think we all must remember that being a teen is not something most of us would like to repeat. It’s difficult to manage the various changes that happen all at once—physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the brain is in this mode, it is less able to access executive functions such as reason, logic, or the ability to use good judgment.

In addition to that, it’s also essential to consider the many things life throws in a teen’s path that can result in trauma, anxiety, depression, or general distress. In trying to navigate social situations, bullies and other stressors, school, various other responsibilities, and home life, as well as beginning (or continuing) the process of self-discovery, teens have a full plate indeed.

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Developing Skills To Manage Emotions

Fortunately there are skills teens can learn to help manage their emotions and the many changes they are facing. Managing emotions is one of the most important life skills a person can develop. I work with many adults who became stuck in adolescence while trying to learn to manage their emotions. As a result, they find their adult relationships difficult to navigate at times.

I believe one of the most important strategies to develop in managing emotions is the ability to identify feelings. Sometimes teens find it difficult to let themselves know what they are feeling, or perhaps they simply don’t know how to identify their feelings. Once they are able to identify and articulate their feelings, vulnerability comes into play, but often the vulnerability piece is avoided because of fear of rejection. Defense mechanisms such as criticism, defensiveness, blaming others, shutting down, or using anger to intimidate are some of the strategies teens may resort to in order to save face.

Learning to Accept Feelings

I believe it’s also of great importance for teens to learn how to accept their feelings. I often work with teenagers who want me to tell them how to make their charged emotions go away. I sometimes ask, “What would happen if you accepted your feelings?” The notion of accepting feelings is not one that is often seen as an option. What I see more often in teenagers is the underlying belief that if the feelings are accepted, they are settling for feeling that way on an ongoing basis.

I remind teens that emotions are not necessarily reality. Emotions can cloud the big picture, and when teens succumb to their emotions, they may lose perspective on what is real. I often encourage teens to pay attention to their self-talk. What do they say to themselves about their feelings? Self-talk is very powerful, and most of us engage in more negative self-talk than positive self-talk. Teens are no exception. But I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe. I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe.

Teens are often faced with things that are beyond their control, and this can result in anxiety, which is based in fear. What cannot be controlled may produce fear. The ability to discern what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled is important, and teens may find it beneficial to learn how to discern and then let go of what cannot be controlled. Admittedly, this is much easier said than done!

I also advocate for teens to find appropriate ways to express their feelings, negative and positive. Feelings must be released somehow, and the key for teens is to find ways to express them using techniques that will not harm them or anyone else.

There are numerous appropriate techniques teens can use to express their feelings:

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique, cathartic in releasing feelings and understanding internal conflict, comes from Gestalt theory. If a teen is experiencing emotional dysregulation about another person or a social situation, the teen puts this person or situation into an empty chair, metaphorically speaking. The teen sits in the chair and takes the role of the other person, saying what they imagine the other person would say. The teen then switches back to their own chair and says what they want to say (out loud) to the person(s) they would like to express their feelings to.

I encourage teens not to worry about what they are saying when they use this technique. If they need to yell, they can yell. They can express their raw emotions without worrying about retaliation. The objective of this exercise is to help the teen understand the internal dilemma they are experiencing about the other person or situation.

What Can Parents Do?

I believe that generally, parents do the best they can. Sometimes, parents need the opportunity to learn effective parenting skills to navigate the many challenges that come with adolescence. Some effective strategies parents can use to support their teens in learning better emotional management may include:

Finally, self-care is an important skill for both teens and parents to learn. What do they need to take care of themselves? Exercise? A long bath? Rest? Healthy food? What do they need from another person they can trust? A hug, words of encouragement, or a shoulder (all without judgment) can be very healing. Teens and parents must learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to reach out when they need emotional support and to practice self-acceptance while still remaining open to change.

References:

  1. The empty chair – Gestalt theory at work. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://plaza.ufl.edu/jerez64/paper2.html
  2. Parrott’s classification of emotions chart. (2013, June 29). Retrieved from http://msaprilshowers.com/emotions/parrotts-classification-of-emotions-chart
  3. What is DBT? (n.d.). The Linehan Institute. Retrieved from http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

Mother with toddler son talks to her mother in lawSixty-one percent of mothers have been criticized for their parenting choices, according to new data from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health. Rather than questioning their choices, most women (67%) reported that the criticism made them feel more strongly about their parenting choices.

Mom Shaming a Common Annoyance

“Mom shaming” is the practice of criticizing a woman’s parenting choices, often without considering the role of fathers, other caregivers, cultural factors, or financial constraints in these choices. Parenting decisions can carry significant emotional and cultural weight. Mom shaming can be a source of distress that labels women as bad mothers.

To explore the prevalence and effects of mom shaming, researchers asked a sample of mothers of children ages 0-5 about their experiences with mom shaming. The survey asked about specific sources of mom shaming, such as breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, sleep habits, and car seat safety. It also included questions about who shamed mothers and how they reacted.

[fat_widget_right]Most women (61%) faced criticism of their parenting choices. Their parents were the most common source (37%), followed by their spouse or co-parent (36%) and in-laws (31%). Friends (14%) were less likely to criticize, as were other mothers in public settings (12%). Social media accounted for just 7% of shaming. Health care providers (8%) and childcare providers (6%) were also less frequent critics.

Discipline was the most common source of criticism (70%), though feeding choices (52%) and sleep (46%) also figured prominently.

How Does Shaming Affect Mothers?

Mothers reported a range of responses to shaming. Most sought out more information (60%) or asked a health care provider (53%). About a third (37%) changed the way they parent, but for most mothers, criticism solidified their belief in their own parenting choices.

A significant number (42%) also reported increased insecurity in their parenting choices due to criticism. Half said they avoid critical people, and 56% said their experiences of mom shaming caused them to stop criticizing other mothers.

Reference:

Mom shaming or constructive criticism? Perspectives of mothers. (2017, June 19). Retrieved from http://mottnpch.org/reports-surveys/mom-shaming-or-constructive-criticism-perspectives-mothers

Cheerful but busy mother works on laptop while taking care of two childrenIt has been said motherhood is a thankless job, and this often feels true. There are a lot of things moms do to keep their families running, and many of these tasks seem to go unnoticed, which can contribute to moms experiencing overwhelm and burnout.

A few weeks ago, I found myself incredibly irritated after a tiff I had with my husband. It was during a morning when I was feeling particularly tired, run down, under the weather, and stressed about the many things I needed to get done. As I rushed to get out the door and drop the kids off at school, I snapped at him about something. He, in turn, got annoyed. It turned into a heated argument where he pointed out everything he was doing to help pick up the slack while I was exhausted and not feeling well during my third pregnancy. This threw me over the edge. How dare he point out the fact he washed some dishes and gave the kids a bath! Did he want me to break away from the 8,000 things I had to get done to present him with a medal?

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While I so appreciate the help, it felt like only a small dent in the laundry list of things I had on my plate that week. As I drove off, I fumed. And then I came to realize the hundreds of things I had to get done weren’t even on his radar.

This happened to be around the same time I was internally beating myself up for not meeting my own expectations for the kind of mom I wanted to be. I was juggling work, parenting, and being the chair for a large fundraiser about to take place, and I’d had to tell my daughter multiple times that week I was too busy to play with her. And just the day before, I’d found myself blowing up and yelling at my kids because my patience had reached a threshold. I felt terrible about it.

Feeling like I was on a tightrope without a net, I tried to cut myself some slack. I sat down and began listing all the things I do as a mom with young children. There is the obvious—feeding the kids, driving them to and from activities, breaking up sibling fights, doing laundry, washing dishes, planning meals, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. But what I realized as I started to think about the little burdens on my mental to-do list is there are so many other little tasks cluttering my mind. In and of themselves, they may seem like minor things. But when you add them all up, these often-unrecognized tasks create a hefty workload for moms who are basically the equivalent to unpaid, overworked project managers. Sometimes it just feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done.

Seeing these tasks laid out in a bullet-point list helped me to take a step back and recognize that, even on the days I feel like a crappy mom for sticking my kids in front of the TV, I am still doing a lot to be a caring and responsible parent.

Below, I present my ever-growing list in hopes it helps other moms realize, “Wow, yes! I do a lot!” (It should be noted I recognize dads also do a lot and that they may, in fact, cover many of the things on my list—as well as tasks that don’t appear here—in their own households.)

The Invisible Laundry List

Oh, and grow and birth humans, which, given the exhaustion and nausea pregnancy entails, is no small feat while keeping up with everything listed above if you have other children.

Moms do and manage a lot! And we do so while trying to make time to play with each child and remain calm and positive when disciplining. At times, it can be overwhelming or downright impossible.

Moms do and manage a lot! And we do so while trying to make time to play with each child and remain calm and positive when disciplining. At times, it can be overwhelming or downright impossible.

When I was younger, I was in the photography club at school and found myself irritated when rolls of film would pile up and my mom could never find the time to drop them off to be developed. How hard could it be? Just drop the film off and pick it up next week, I thought. I hate to admit it, but I now understand why she never did remember to bring that film to the store.

Recently, I found myself with a few hours of unexpected alone time when my morning plans got canceled at the last minute. I dropped my daughter off at school and walked back to my car, trying to decide what I was going to do with this gift of free time. I ended up sitting idly in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes at a complete loss for what to do next. Sure, there were about 800 errands I needed to do and would love to do while kid-free. But, ironically, I couldn’t think of a single thing in that moment.

I realized my brain is typically so cluttered with the long list of things that need to be done that in an instance of quiet and unstructured time, it went blank. I finally took a few deep breaths and thought about how my advice to others would be to embrace the silence and seize the opportunity to do something self-care related.

When we have so many responsibilities, it can be hard to stop and take time out to escape from the pandemonium of things weighing on our minds. But sometimes, pausing to give ourselves a chance to rest and relax is exactly what we need. By remembering to take time out, find balance, and sometimes put our own needs for sanity first, we give ourselves a reset that allows us to have a renewed outlook. We ultimately become better equipped to face the tasks, challenges, and stressors life presents.

If you, too, are a busy, overwhelmed mom, take just 10 minutes now to find some quiet, to sit down and relax. Make your own list of all you do. Writing it out is not only cathartic, but it can give you the opportunity to stop and give yourself the praise you so deserve.

One parent holds hand of child looking up trustingly while other parent faces other direction, arms crossedParental alienation syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the 1980s, describes a condition—usually generated in the context of divorce or child custody disputes—in which a parent creates an alliance with their child against the other (non-abusive, nurturing, protective) parent. The child, influenced in part by the alienating parent, contributes to the dynamic by denigrating the targeted parent.

Parental Alienation as Created Drama Theory

According to Dr. C.A. Childress, attachment-based parental alienation is created when a person with narcissistic tendencies gets their child to reject the other parent as a way to modulate the narcissistic parent’s anxiety. According to Childress, this anxiety is threefold:

  1. Narcissistic anxiety: Tremendous anxiety over the threatened collapse of the narcissistic defense against the experience of deep personal inadequacy.
  2. Borderline anxiety: Intense anxiety surrounding overwhelming fear of abandonment.
  3. Trauma anxiety: Reactivated anxiety (emotional flashback) of childhood attachment trauma.

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In essence, the parent with narcissism is trying to resolve these anxieties by creating a drama involving themselves (the perceived “competent/good” parent), the other parent (the “abusive” parent), and the child (the “victim” of the “abusive” parent). (Quotation marks are used to emphasize these are perceptions being created by the person with narcissism.)

The other parent is pitted against their child in order to regulate the anxieties of the alienating parent. The parent with narcissism essentially uses the child as a regulatory object to assuage deep anxieties via this created drama, wherein the narcissistic parent gets to be perceived as the “normal” or “good” parent while “rescuing” the child from the other, “crazy,” alienated parent.

The created drama “resolves” the alienating parent’s childhood unconscious narrative of abuse whereby the person, as a child, had to split off their perception of the abusiveness of their own parent(s) from cognitive recollection—thereby divorcing themselves from having to feel the rejection of their own misattuned parent(s).

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

This shifts the alienating parent’s focus away from feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, replacing them with feelings of superiority, particularly relative to the other parent in the scenario. Thus, this reenactment of trauma is the alienating parent’s attempt to achieve psychological mastery over their childhood trauma narrative. In the pathologically created scenario, the child (perceived “victim”) gets to be rescued from the “bad” parent by the parent with narcissism, aka the “hero.” This artificially resolves the alienating parent’s own early attachment trauma.

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

When a child’s family experiences divorce or separation, the child typically experiences feelings associated with grief. The parent with narcissistic tendencies is able to capitalize on these negative feelings by attributing them to the so-called abuse of the other (non-narcissistic) parent. The alienating parent will wage war against their ex in order to temper feelings of rejection and inadequacy, using the child as a pawn.

Parental Alienation as Domestic Violence by Proxy Theory

Parental alienation syndrome is not recognized as a disorder within mental health or legal circles, and not everyone agrees it is a “thing.” Tina Swithin of One Mom’s Battle describes what occurs as domestic violence by proxy. In other words, the alienating parent is really just trying to abuse their ex by using children as weapons.

While the parent with narcissism, prior to divorce, could not have cared less about the children’s school events, etc., post-separation they act like “super parent,” showing great attention to activities previously ignored. This is impression management.

Domestic violence by proxy is a pattern of behavior rather than a set of specific actions. The underlying motives for abusers are power and control. While in the relationship, the abusive person can abuse in more ways than one, usually directly. Once separation occurs, the children become the most effective means of abuse.

According to this theory, the abuser knows they are abusing and the actions are specific and intentional. Other people, such as therapists, attorneys, or child protection agents, are often duped by the narcissistic person’s behaviors and may come out against the non-abusive parent. An abusive parent may even end up with primary custody of children as a result.

What an Alienated Parent Can Do

If you are the target of parental alienation, what can you do to protect yourself and salvage your relationship with your children?

Realize you must keep yourself strong and hopeful and do not become defeated. Be creative in your strategies, keep your energy strong, and never let your ex or your children know how victimized you feel. Many people with narcissism are to weakness as sharks are to blood. You may get eaten alive if you let your children or your ex know how defeated you feel.

Don’t let your fears keep you from action. Don’t catastrophize. Stay in the present and try the strategies below:

References:

  1. Childress, C.A. (2015, May 28). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
  2. Major, J. A. (n.d.). Parents who have successfully fought parental alienation. Retrieved from http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm
  3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.
  4. Swithin, T. (2017, February 4). Domestic violence by proxy. Retrieved from https://onemomsbattle.com/2017/02/04/domestic-violence-by-proxy

Teenager with short curly hair and pink shirt looks to side while walking away from two classmates standing togetherMaking and maintaining quality friendships is hard, especially during middle and high school. Although many adolescents long to develop lifelong friends who will be loyal, trustworthy, and supportive, they often struggle during this time to maintain those types of relationships. In fact, many will experience times of confusion, hurt, and betrayal when seemingly good friendships fall apart.

To some extent, the fluidity in relationships is normal during this developmental phase, as adolescence is a time of great change. As teens figure out who they are, what their interests are, and what is important to them, they are likely to gravitate to new and different peers who share their interests and values. However, friendships often change or end because of drama, hurts, betrayals, and outside peer influences. Sometimes the end comes suddenly; other times it comes when good friendships start to become unhealthy.

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Often, when the latter happens, peers will try to maintain the friendship long past the point it is healthy for them. Sometimes they don’t recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Other times, they don’t want to see the signs because they don’t want to lose a valued friendship. Either way, staying in an unhealthy friendship can lead to anxiety, depression, stress, and problems at home and school.

It is important for adolescents to be able to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship and either work to improve things or find a way to get space. Here are some signs a friendship might be becoming unhealthy:

Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point.

While many adolescents can see these red flags, some are unsure what to do when a once-healthy friendship turns unhealthy. Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point. However, there are methods to end an unhealthy relationship in a way that preserves everybody’s feelings.

Here are some strategies for ending an unhealthy friendship:

Young child with long blonde hair stretches arms up happilyWe’ve all seen it: the child in the supermarket line willing to tell you all about himself despite not knowing you at all, or the little girl who plops herself in a new teacher’s lap on day one of school. Harmless? Maybe, but this type of overly friendly behavior toward strangers often stems from an unstable attachment history and can lead to trouble.

Indiscriminate affection is usually seen in children ages 5 and under and is described as an inconsistency in identifying and establishing attachments—for our purposes, secure adults who are safe and familiar and who will feed, clean, and love the child. Such children see adults as equal-opportunity caregivers regardless of whether they are well known or a total stranger. This type of behavior is most commonly seen in children adopted from orphanages or after foster care placements where physical or emotional neglect may have existed in the earliest and most formative year or two of life. It has also been found in children who have had a stable home life in terms of location, but an unstable one with regard to psychological and emotional neglect. The common thread among these children is that care was never consistent.

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The theory behind these overly social behaviors is they serve as a way for children to get their needs met by anyone in the area, whether it be mom, foster mom, Mrs. Smith the preschool teacher, Joe the ice cream man, or the nice person in the grocery line. This can mean a child may be willing to go off with a stranger who promises candy or games. You may notice a child does not understand personal space or boundaries between them and other children or adults. It could manifest as hyperactivity in school or asking to go live with the teacher.

Children who developed in a healthy and stable home environment are more likely have a secure attachment to one or two primary caregivers and can rely on consistent and thorough care. These children develop a healthy hesitancy and skepticism toward strangers and a sense of connection with their primary caregivers that allows them to better understand personal boundaries and safety. These are the children who, on the first day of school, may look up to mom or dad for encouragement or hide behind a leg or two at first. After a brief pep talk, the securely attached child is off and having a wonderful time.

Does Your Child Have a Problem?

So, what does this mean for your child, and what can be done about overly friendly behavior?

If you find your child is very friendly, that does not necessarily mean they would fall into the category of indiscriminate affection; you may just have a social butterfly. It also does not mean you made a mistake or neglected your child during infancy.

First, don’t panic. If you find your child is very friendly, that does not necessarily mean they would fall into the category of indiscriminate affection; you may just have a social butterfly. It also does not mean you made a mistake or neglected your child during infancy. However, if you notice your child (adopted or natural) wandering off too far with lesser-known adults or asking for hugs from strangers, it may be time to seek the support of a therapist specializing in attachment of young children. This person can help you reestablish a connection with your child and build a sense of healthy boundaries and safety for your little one. The therapist will help you as a parent to manage certain situations in ways that will cultivate a secure attachment with your child and help your social butterfly understand safer ways to make friends, who to ask for help, when to approach strangers, and where not to spread their colorful wings.

There are also things you can do at home to help develop healthy boundaries for your child. My favorite is the hula hoop—this simple ring placed on the floor or held around the waist creates a visual indicator of personal space. Explaining to the child that everyone has a bubble about the size of the hoop that is their special private space can help a child understand when they are too close to someone or when someone is too close to them!

Reference:

Lyons-Ruth, K., Bureau, J.F., Riley, C.D., & Atlas-Corbett, A.F. (2009). Socially indiscriminate attachment behavior in the strange situation: Convergent and discriminant validity in relation to caregiving risk, later behavior problems, and attachment insecurity. Development and Psychopathology, 21(2), 355–372.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

First, let me say I don’t think I’m a great parent, but I do try to be one. I know the way I parent is different than how a lot of people are with their kids. I just don’t know if that’s good or bad.

My kids are grown up. My son is 24 and lives with his girlfriend in an apartment a few miles away. My daughter is 25, lives halfway across the country, and recently graduated from college with a degree in anthropology. Neither is employed. I am retired and financially comfortable, so I am able to help them. And by help, I mean fully support them.

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I know a lot of parents would cut the cord completely and let their kids fend for themselves. I just don’t feel good about that. My kids had a rough childhood with their dad, who was an alcoholic (he killed himself in 2006). He was really hard on them. They didn’t deserve that.

When my kids ask for money or other assistance, I can’t bring myself to say no. They heard “no” too much as kids. On the flip side, I acknowledge this might mean they are becoming dependent on me. My friend tells me they are taking advantage of me and are less motivated to find work because I help them. She’s probably right, but I still can’t bring myself to say no to them. I love them very much, and I am able to help them, so what’s the harm?

I guess I am asking whether you think I’m wrong. It’s one thing to hear it from a friend; it’s another to hear it from a therapist. —Yes Ma’am

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Yes Ma’am,

There is no “right” way to parent your children, even when they are grown. You, and only you, get to decide how you want to show up for them.

That said, I’m hearing a good bit of guilt behind some of your actions, and that may not be the healthiest framework for decision-making. Your kids may not have had the childhood you would have chosen for them, but that does not mean you owe them more because of it. No parent is ever able to meet all of their children’s needs—we do the best we can given our circumstances and abilities. I imagine you did the best you could with what you had available. For the record, hearing “no” as a child can sometimes be the best thing for us.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting. Equipping our children to cope with the world, to manage their lives, and to develop resiliency are better goals. It is less outcome focused and more skills focused, and helps our children develop the tools they need to be able to experience happiness—competence, purpose, and confidence they can weather any storm. That means letting them struggle while being a soft place for them to land when they fall.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting.

This does not mean you should yank your support in order to force your children to be resilient. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. You may want to decide for yourself what you are willing to offer, and then have conversations with each of them as to what form that support might take. You might set a timeline and a budget that works for you—enough to help them until they get established, but not so much they can abdicate responsibility for their own lives. I’ve seen parents who decided they were willing to pay for car insurance, or half the rent, or a set amount each month. If you ask your kids what form of support would be most helpful, you can engage with them as the adults they are becoming while holding to limits that feel reasonable to you.

You may also want to talk with a therapist about any lingering feelings of guilt. There may be some emotional healing you and your kids need, but financial support has never been an adequate substitute for emotional support. It can even create barriers when the relationship becomes one of obligation and entitlement.

By setting a limit with your children, you would be letting them know you want to support and help them while also communicating you have confidence in their abilities to create their own lives.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Mother and daughter stand on small bridge looking over lake in winter coats. Rear shot Divorce is typically a sensitive and emotional event and can be quite difficult to talk about, especially with children. It is common for parents to struggle with how to talk to their children about their divorce. Why? Well, some parents are unsure what or how much to tell their kids about what is happening. Some parents are still extremely emotionally raw and vulnerable and worry about their ability to remain calm when talking with their kids about the divorce. Still others fear talking with their kids about the divorce will overwhelm them, and may wonder if it is best to shield them from what is going on.

Although these worries are understandable, not talking about the divorce can be detrimental to kids and can cause various behavioral and/or emotional issues down the road. Having a conversation with children about divorce may not only reduce any anxiety they may be experiencing, but can also help them prepare, both cognitively and emotionally, for the changes ahead.

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If you are going through a divorce and are unsure how to talk with your child(ren), here are some helpful tips to keep in mind:

  1. If possible, talk to your children about the divorce with the other parent. This might be difficult, as some divorces can be quite contemptuous. However, having a joint conversation with your children has potential benefits. First, it ensures your kids are receiving the same message from both parents, which limits confusion and may create a sense of stability during a time of upheaval. Second, it models that both of you are still a unified parenting front, which limits the perception your children can make plays to divide and conquer. Lastly, it helps reassure your children that their parents will continue to communicate and work hard to create a new family structure.
  2. Be honest in answering questions. Being honest is important for two reasons. First, kids are smart and can sense when they are given dishonest information. Feeling that parents are being dishonest can lead to resentment and anger. Second, if kids are not told the truth, they may seek the answers themselves or create their own answers. By being honest and forthcoming, you may reduce a lot of potential anxiety. However, it is important to note being honest has its limits and there should be age-appropriate boundaries set around sharing information. For example, while kids should be informed about logistical changes that will impact them, they should not be told about marital baggage (i.e., information that one parent had an affair). So, before responding to a question or sharing information, think about why you are sharing and whether it will help or hurt.
    A family therapist can be a great resource for both parents and children and can help everyone find healthy ways to adjust to the changes associated with divorce.
  3. Let your children know what life will be like after the divorce. Divorce and the changes that come with it can be scary for kids. It is important to let them know what they can expect when it comes to things like where they will live, how much time they will have with each parent, etc. If you and your ex are unsure about certain things, communicate that to your children and let them know you will share the information with them as soon as there is a decision. This may relieve a lot of the anxiety that comes with the unknown.
  4. Emphasize that the divorce is final. Losing their family as they have known it may be upsetting for your kids; they may even fantasize about their parents getting back together. It is important to make it clear divorce is final and that while you and your ex may continue to communicate and interact, it is simply as a co-parenting relationship. Kids may still fantasize about a reconciliation, but it will help if there are clear boundaries.
  5. Reassure your kids. Divorce can be anxiety provoking for kids and they can have a number of fears, some of which are influenced by things they might have seen on TV or learned from friends whose parents are divorced. Children may think the divorce is their fault, that they won’t get to see one of their parents anymore, or that their parents don’t love them. Ask your kids what they might be thinking or worrying about and work to reassure them—not just through words but through actions as well.
  6. Be available. As a parent, you may feel anxious about how the change is impacting your child(ren) and may be tempted to push them to talk about their feelings or experience. It is important to remember every child experiences and processes divorce differently. Some children may talk openly about their feelings, while others may withdraw. Some children may adjust well to the changes, while others may struggle. While your intentions are good, pushing a child to open up before they are ready can be detrimental. The best things you can do are to (1) communicate to your children you are available for them to share whatever they may be thinking or feeling and (2) work to create a safe space for them to feel comfortable talking to you. Know each of your children will open up at their own pace and will seek your support if they know you are available.
  7. Communicate stability, but don’t be afraid to show emotion. When talking with your children about the divorce, try to communicate a sense of calm and control. This may help provide a sense of stability in what can be a chaotic time. However, it can also be helpful to communicate your own feelings with your children. When talking with them, let them know when you might be feeling sad, anxious, or upset. Let them know, also, what you are doing to feel better. By communicating your feelings, you normalize their experience; give them the words to identify their own feelings; and show them how to cope in a healthy way. But keep in mind that this a fine dance. On one hand, you want to avoid being overly emotional, which can cause your kids to feel they need to take care of you. On the other hand, you don’t want to appear so stoic they don’t feel safe expressing their own feelings.

Conclusion

All these things can help foster healthy and open communication during the divorce process. As mentioned above, it can be difficult to engage in this type of communication when you, too, are struggling with the overwhelming emotions associated with divorce. If you are unsure how to proceed, seek support from a family therapist. A family therapist can be a great resource for both parents and children and can help everyone find healthy ways to adjust to the changes associated with divorce.

Two parents comfort and console distressed childMy therapy practice is in Fairfax County, one of the wealthiest counties, with some of the best schools, in the nation. It is diverse and densely populated with well-educated residents who are overwhelmingly employed in business and professional services. Fairfax County is home to the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC), and is only a short distance from the nation’s government and leading policy makers. The town in which I work was voted one of the best cities for raising families in the state of Virginia.

Despite the wealth, access to education, and proximity to the country’s main resources for enforcing security in our nation, not all children here are safe. Like children everywhere, they are vulnerable to the atrocities of child abuse.

In 2016, SafeSpot, a local children’s advocacy center that supports families and facilitates the investigation of child sexual and severe physical abuse allegations, served more than 375 children who were impacted by abuse, the overwhelming majority of whom alleged sexual abuse. SafeSpot also worked with children who were traumatized by witnessing domestic violence.

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Most people would agree child abuse is a heartbreaking issue, yet many believe it’s not something that could happen to anyone they know or love. On the contrary, child abuse happens everywhere—in all types of homes, families, neighborhoods, schools, churches, and communities. No population, culture, or socioeconomic group is immune. Child abuse is likely present somewhere in your very own network.

National statistics show more than 700,000 children are abused annually in the United States, with 90% of alleged abusers in some way related to the victims. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) reports that every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Every eight minutes, that victim is a child. One in four women and one in six men are sexually abused as children.

People who abuse children are not just creepy strangers who lurk behind bushes or abduct children in vans. They often include people we encounter every day, people their victims know, love, and trust. People who abuse can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, moms, dads, teachers, coaches, mentors, neighbors, and family friends.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

The realities of child abuse are alarming, but developing an awareness of the problem brings the increased ability to prevent or at least identify when child abuse occurs.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

Tips for Parents to Prevent and Address Child Abuse

Help for Perpetrators of Child Abuse

If you are someone who has abused or believe you have the potential to abuse a child, I urge you to get help from a mental health professional who can assist you in exploring the roots of this insidious problem. While most children who are abused do not go on to repeat the cycle of abuse, many abusers were, in fact, victims of child abuse themselves. This history of abuse needs to be dealt with so you can attain a life free from the guilt, shame, and destruction of hurting others.

Spreading Awareness of Child Abuse Prevention

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Prevent Child Abuse America has designated the pinwheel as the national symbol for child abuse prevention. Please help spread awareness of the realities of child abuse by displaying a pinwheel in your workplace, organization, or community. The more we talk about and spread awareness regarding the realities of child abuse, the closer we come to ending it.

References:

  1. National statistics on child abuse. (2014). Retrieved from http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/media-kit/national-statistics-child-abuse
  2. Pinwheels for prevention. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://preventchildabuse.org/resource/pinwheels-for-prevention
  3. Scope of the problem: Statistics. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem

Mother kisses forehead of child who has serious expression and is wrapped in a towel after a bath

When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. According to the CDC, roughly 50% of American children will witness their parents’ divorce, with the divorce rate in the United States at 2.9 divorces per 1,000 people. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.

It is also important to acknowledge that not all marriages provide a healthy environment for children. High-conflict or unstable relationships, especially those marked by chronic hostility, emotional withdrawal, substance misuse, infidelity, or abuse can negatively affect children’s emotional security and development. In these situations, divorce may represent not only a disruption, but also a transition away from an environment that was already causing harm. Understanding this distinction can help parents approach the process with greater clarity and intention.

Honoring parental responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.

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Red Flags for Children

When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Research has shown that children exposed to divorce may experience disruptions in educational outcomes and social adaptation, with consequences including lower academic achievement, diminished self-confidence, and the emergence of behavioral issues. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing. However, many researchers emphasize that these challenges are often closely tied to the level of conflict, instability, or distress present in the home before and during the divorce process, rather than the legal separation itself.

meeting mom

In fact, children who grow up in high-conflict households may show improvements in well-being once conflict is reduced, even if that reduction comes through separation or divorce. This highlights that the quality of the family environment, both before and after divorce, plays a critical role in how children adjust.

Compared to children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents have more behavioral and emotional problems, obtain lower academic test scores, and have more problems with social relationships. However, research studies consistently indicate that divorce has few lasting effects on children’s mental health or performance in school for many children, particularly when parental conflict is low and supportive relationships are maintained. What is most notable about children of divorce is their resilience, their successful coping despite life’s difficulties.

So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.

When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance. Structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children’s psychological problems.

Consistency Is Key

It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.

group of children silly

Just as important as consistency is the reduction of conflict. Ongoing tension, hostility, or communication breakdowns between parents, whether married or divorced, can be more distressing for children than the structural changes that come with separation. Minimizing children’s exposure to conflict should remain a central priority.

Research shows that high levels of consistent and effective discipline may promote adaptive coping processes by enhancing children’s sense of the predictability of their environments. The consistent occurrence of expected consequences for misbehaviors may promote a sense of control, which could lead to higher levels of active coping and coping efficacy and lower levels of avoidant coping.

Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.

Consistency in schedules and rules makes life less stressful for everyone. Once parents agree on a plan for spending time with their children, they do well to stick to it religiously. Children want to know where they are going to be at what times, and while a change or delay may seem small to a parent, it can be a big deal to a child.

Taking on New Parenting Roles

New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.

child distressed divorce

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Research shows that Disneyland parenting often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce, where indulging a child may function as a kind of misguided apology. This reinforces the idea for the child that the divorce was a terrible thing that happened to them, rather than building their resilience by teaching them that we all live through difficult things and have the ability to move on. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.

Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. This practice of overcompensating is a natural reaction for parents to feel the need to make up for time missed with their child, but it needs to be identified and corrected because the long-term effects can be destructive to the relationship with their kids or their relationship with their other parent. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison.

Parent-child relationships characterized by warmth, supportiveness, effective problem-solving skills, positive communication, and low levels of conflict and negativity are consistently associated with fewer negative outcomes related to mental health and with more positive outcomes related to social adaptation following a separation or divorce. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.

Children need love, but they also need discipline. Each household needs a few clear and reasonable rules about such things as bedtimes, responsibilities, and appropriate behavior, and parents should expect these rules to be followed. No means no, and parents make a big mistake if they let their guilt turn no into “maybe not.” A positive focus is the best way to discipline, with praising children for doing things right working much better than criticizing children for doing things wrong.

Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected—and it often follows a period of significant strain within the family system. While the process brings its own challenges, it can also create space for reduced conflict and healthier patterns of interaction. If parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator. Mediation potentially benefits children by lowering conflict, improving parenting, and encouraging both parents to remain an active presence in their children’s lives, with one randomized trial demonstrating these positive outcomes.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

References:

  1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Marriage and divorce. National Center for Health Statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
  2. Compas, B. E., Jaser, S. S., Bettis, A. H., Watson, K. H., Gruhn, M. A., Dunbar, J. P., Williams, E., & Thigpen, J. C. (2017). Coping, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analysis and narrative review. Psychological Bulletin, 143(9), 939-991.
  3. Emery, R. E. (2012). Renegotiating family relationships: Divorce, child custody, and mediation (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  4. Fabricius, W. V., & Luecken, L. J. (2007). Postdivorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 195-205.
  5. Kliewer, W., Fearnow, M. D., & Miller, P. A. (1996). Coping socialization in middle childhood: Tests of maternal and paternal influences. Child Development, 67(5), 2339-2357.
  6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Children and mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health
  7. Pedro-Carroll, J. L., & Cowen, E. L. (1985). The Children of Divorce Intervention Program: An investigation of the efficacy of a school-based prevention program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 53(5), 603-611.
  8. Sandler, I., Ayers, T. S., Wolchik, S., Tein, J. Y., Kwok, O. M., Haine, R. A., Twohey-Jacobs, J., Suter, J., Lin, K., Padgett-Jones, S., Weyer, J. L., Cole, E., Kriege, G., & Griffin, W. A. (2003). The family bereavement program: Efficacy evaluation of a theory-based prevention program for parentally bereaved children and adolescents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(3), 587-600.
  9. Vandersluys, M. (2022). Understanding children’s adjustment to divorce: The importance of family processes. Canadian Psychology, 63(2), 142-155.
  10. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., Plummer, B. A., Greene, S. M., Anderson, E. R., Dawson-McClure, S. R., Hipke, K., & Haine, R. A. (2002). Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 288(15), 1874-1881.

Five children of varying ages in autumn clothes pose for photo by holding leaves over their eyesI have a memory of walking down the street with my mother, around the age of five, thinking about a conversation I’d had with some other children in the schoolyard a few days earlier. One of them had asked, “Who do you like more, your mom or your dad?” I had found the question strange at the time, and now, several days later, I still could not figure out an answer.

To me, you see, my parents seemed like one person. Logically, I knew they were two different people, but in some sort of child-minded way, I saw them as a monolith, a united being. On that outing with my mother, it finally hit me: it simply was not possible for me to separate these two people well enough in my mind to choose. So I dropped the question for good.

That was in the ’50s, and I was lucky in that I was able to drop the question and never had to make that choice—or have someone make it for me.

Today, we live in a new era of divorce and remarriage, and many children don’t get to choose which parent to live with. Even when they do choose, they may find their parents’ attention to be divided and not necessarily focused on them. Parents may still smart from the sting of rejection divorce inevitably is; they may keep rehashing difficult moments and wondering if they could still rewrite the script; their minds may be preoccupied with making ends meet or other concerns. [fat_widget_right]

Many parents are focused so intently on court cases for custody that, ironically, they spend more time and thought on the case than on the child. Even when they are not facing a court battle, if parents are hostile to each other when attempting to co-parent, children may perceive that as some fault of theirs. But at some point, the dust settles and the child finally begins to become accustomed to a different life with Mom or Dad or some combination. A new state of normal prevails.

For many parents, however, the single life is not their ideal. They begin dating again, and a child may be left wondering, “Am I not enough?”

It can be difficult for parents to navigate dating, much less a new marriage, while still trying to ease the aftereffects of divorce on their children. Here are some tips to help you create the best set of circumstances for your children when you begin dating after a divorce or breakup.

1. Let children know, frequently, how important they are and how much you love them. 

I remember meeting with a teenager who was not part of a blended family. The parents worked hard, were highly organized, and dispatched instructions and discipline to her as a matter of course. She told me in private therapy that she was convinced her mother didn’t like her. With her permission, I shared this with her mother, who, of course, was shocked.

Research shows when a parent takes the time to listen to a child’s difficulties (in general, but especially after divorce), the child feels supported and is more able to view the divorce as something that was necessary rather than as a huge obstacle in life.

We tend to assume our children “know” we love them, but, really, how are they supposed to know that if we don’t tell them? My children are adults, married with children, and I still tell them. Not only will telling your child how much you love them help reassure the child through difficult times, it will direct your attention to your warm feelings towards your child—another great benefit of making this a common practice. Too often, we think of our softer emotions as a distraction from the business we need to take care of. In fact, being more mindful of feelings of warmth and love may provide stress relief and serve as a welcome break from crossing off items on a long to-do list. Connecting with our loved ones is one of the joys of life, after all.

2. Don’t “compensate” for this rough time by spoiling your child.

Parents might attempt to make up for difficult life changes by offering their child fancy toys, taking them on expensive outings, letting them skip school or stay up late, and overlooking rudeness or sibling aggression. This is the wrong approach, though, as it is still likely to send the message that the parent does not care.

Children know, in a way that is beyond words, that they are cherished when a parent sticks to the rules and dispenses discipline along with love. Though many children might find it fun for a while when schedules and routines blow away with the wind, ultimately this leads to feelings of neglect. The best way to create stability, show love, and help your child de-stress is to keep up routines, to the best of your ability.

3. Become a “kindly neighbor” to your stepchildren.

A blended family is often the inevitable result of a dating relationship after divorce. If your partner has children from a previous relationship, you may find that they resent you at first. This is normal and natural: You have taken some of their parent’s attention away from them. Even teenagers may be not be mature enough to understand you can potentially become their advocate and mentor.

Children may show you how angry they are by not greeting you, ignoring your requests, or even not talking to you for a while. It’s best not to take this behavior personally, because it most likely will improve with time. You might feel the urge to sit down with them and discuss your concerns, but in many cases, this may not be all that helpful. Children are often not aware of all the reasons behind their behavior, and it can be difficult for them to articulate even those reasons they are aware of.

I find the best way to handle the situation is to take a position of friendliness. Remain pleasant, kind, and above all, show them you care about their plight. If, after a month or so, the mood in the house does not improve, speak to your partner about your stepchild’s behavior. The next step may be family therapy.

4. Discipline does not mean anger.

As a parent, your job is to provide your child with love, stable routines, and discipline. You do not need to show them anger. Just as spoiling your child may send a message that you do not care, the other extreme is equally nonconstructive.

If your child never used to be rude and now is, then the change in behavior likely signifies difficulties with the new changes being faced. Anger and disapproval are unlikely to resolve the issue. What is more likely to lead to improvement is a listening ear and the setting of gentle, understandable limits.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

Rules can be stated and invoked in a gentle tone of voice and discussed in a conversational manner. Conversations that begin with parents displaying a willingness to listen are typically the most effective. Possible ways to begin a conversation might be: “What about our new situation are you having trouble with?” or “How can we work together to make this situation better for all of us?”

If you find yourself losing your temper, take several slow, deep breaths. Doing so will help slow down your autonomic nervous system, reduce the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, and give you a moment to figure out the best course of action so you can avoid acting impulsively.

5. Don’t favor your child; don’t favor your stepchild.

Disagreements between stepsiblings are inevitable. When they occur, you may feel protective toward your own child, or you might feel like you want to “win over” your partner’s child. But either position is likely to lead to even more hostilities in the future.

Consider taking the first step in handling these before you move in together, marry, or otherwise make the relationship a more permanent one. Make time to sit down with your partner and discuss your own personal styles of discipline, your value system, and your expectations. It may seem as if these things are obvious, but you might be surprised at the discoveries you make. Parenting norms vary widely, and it’s best not to make assumptions before having this conversation with your partner.

There should also be agreement on what the household rules should be and an understanding that it may not be the best idea for stepparents to begin parenting stepchildren immediately.

If you find yourself refereeing a dispute between stepsiblings, the best course of action may to simply be a good listener. Ask all involved for their side, and listen carefully. Avoid showing favoritism and giving one-size-fits-all punishments.

6. The key is patience.

If you have ever broken a bone or experienced another type of serious physical injury, you may recall how long it took to heal from it. It certainly didn’t take place overnight. It may have even taken months. Emotional injuries—and the disruption of a family, no matter the circumstances, is still experienced as an injury—also take time to heal. In order to heal, your child will likely need to do a lot of thinking and sorting everything out, so be patient. It could be several months, a year, or even a few years before children are finally comfortable in their new surroundings.

7. Consider therapy for emotional difficulties.

When a child is excessively rude or hostile; refuses to go to school; or displays symptoms of depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive behavior, therapy may be indicated. Seeking therapy does not mean you have failed as a parent or partner. On the contrary, by finding support in a time of difficult and confusing changes, you are doing something right—for you, your child, and your entire family.

A primary benefit of bringing in a therapist is that a person who doesn’t know you and your blended family can look objectively at the entire situation—and is trained to do so. That person may have an observation to share with you that will be enormously helpful. Sometimes all family members need is to be reassured they are doing things right, that there is nothing “wrong” with them. Some symptoms may even lift when people get this professional reassurance.

Another benefit is expertise. Be sure to visit a family therapist, one who specializes in the dynamics of divorce and remarriage. Therapists with this training are generally in the best position to help blended families work through any and all complications they might face.

8. There is potential for strong friendships in blended families.

I have heard any number of stories about successful blended families, where the parents created for the children—sometimes for the first time—warm and stable homes filled with good, loving people. Frequently, the stepsiblings become good friends.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

These tips are a beginning. If you have other concerns, I encourage you to seek support from a qualified marriage and family therapist.

References: 

  1. Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. M., Greenbaum, C. W. (2009). Divorce is a part of my life…Resilience, survival, and vulnerability: Young adults’ perception of the implications of parental divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 35(1), 30-46. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00094.x
  2. Visser, C. F. (2013). The origin of the solution-focused approach. International Journal of Solution-Focused Practices, 1(1), 10-17. doi: 10.14335/ijsfp.v1i1.10
  3. Whiteside, M. F. (1982). Remarriage: A family developmental process. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 8(2), 59-68. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.1982.tb01442.x

Man holds little girl's hand as she waves to her mother who has come to pick her upWhen a couple with children separate or divorce, finding a way to co-parent successfully can be challenging. Even if the separation is the best course of action for a couple whose marriage has turned toxic, deeply unfulfilling, or hopelessly stagnant, powerful emotions inevitably accompany the end of a marriage. Although there may be relief and a sense of hope for new beginnings, it’s more typical to feel anger, grief, hurt, confusion, numbness, or temporary despair. The end of a marriage can be a death of sorts, even if it’s the death of a fantasy: of your partner’s unconditional love, of your ability to fix anything, of perfect security or absolute trust.

In the midst of disentangling shared lives, roles, routines, finances, and responsibilities, strong negative emotions can make it hard for one or both members of a couple to do what is best for their children, particularly during a tumultuous, uncertain time. This includes working together to create a new normal, containing criticisms and complaints about the other parent, and focusing on the children’s vulnerability and need to feel loved and safe.

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Continuity in parenting and structured routines is important when parents separate. If continuity is difficult, try to find ways to help the children understand and make sense of the lack of continuity. For better or worse, moving from sharing roles and responsibilities in a two-parent household to being co-parents in different households requires a degree of maturity and selflessness that can seem out of reach when hurt and resentment run deepest, as is often the case in the wake of a split. It’s precisely at this juncture, when partners may be feeling emotionally out-of-control, lonely, and a bit like orphaned children themselves, that a new type of alliance between them can act as a protective factor for children. In The Co-Parents Handbook, Bonnel and Little suggest what some might consider a highly advanced mindfulness practice for exes: moving from “spouse mind” to “parent mind” (2014). Noticing which of these two minds is active at any given moment and consciously choosing to relate to your ex as a co-parent rather than as a spouse can make a huge difference in how you approach parenting issues.

Changing the dynamic with your spouse from marital antagonists to task-focused collaborators takes time and will be a work in progress after any separation. Sometimes, it only happens in fits and starts. Often, finding shared parenting ground with your ex will require deep breathing during communication, trial and error, self-compassion, forgiveness, and determination as you move through multiple adjustments, compromises, disappointments, and triggering events.

“Research shows that parents who can put aside their differences for the sake of the children, learn to get along, and co-parent effectively make the transition to a new family structure less stressful and traumatic. This model increases the likelihood of children maintaining a positive relationship with both parents, which greatly minimizes the negative effects of divorce on children,” says Francine Ronis, a parenting educator and therapist in McLean, Virginia (personal communication, 2017). Despite the challenges you and your ex will face in this process, it’s important to set your joint sights on a higher set of priorities that transcends grievances in the interests of a greater good: your children’s ongoing physical and mental health.

Dissimilar rule structures, inconsistent discipline or consequences for unwanted behaviors, and widely divergent parenting styles may have a more lasting adverse impact on children from the toddler years into the preteen years, when a young person’s sense of self is particularly malleable (Karen, 1998). During these formative years, lifelong foundational templates for behaviors in relationships and in the world are being laid, and these templates—sometimes referred to as schemas—impact a person’s sense of self, agency, emotional resilience, and competence (Cloitre, 2004).

Imagine the challenges faced by the children in this divided family, a composite of cases drawn from people I’ve worked with in the therapy room over the years (names have been changed to protect confidentiality):

The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children.

Leah and Dave divorced after Dave discovered Leah’s affair with a coworker. They communicate infrequently, usually via text, though sometimes they send each other articles supporting their distinct parenting approaches to prove a point. They live in nearby apartments and share custody of their 4-year-old daughter Rose and their 6-year-old son Matthew, alternating care every two weeks. When the children are with their father, he holds them to a structured play, meal, and bedtime routine, though he rarely bathes them and is lax with hygiene habits such as brushing teeth. He expects Leah to take care of their dental and medical visits and vaccinations, though he has never discussed this explicitly with her. He allows the kids sugary snacks and processed meals but restricts their exposure to iPads, iPhones, and television. He has an authoritarian parenting style, uses time-outs, and when he’s at his wit’s end, he yells.

Leah, on the other hand, plays things by ear when the children are in her care. She allows them to sleep in her bedroom rather than requiring them to remain in their own bed at night, unless her boyfriend is visiting. When Rose has tantrums or when Matthew begins begging for video games or new toys, she finds it less time-consuming and stressful to acquiesce than to set boundaries or enforce consequences on continued whining or begging. On nights her boyfriend stays over, she rewards the children with video games for staying in their beds. Although she’s a wonderful chef and cooks healthy meals, the children often reject her food. She handles this by lecturing them on potential future health crises, or sometimes she simply breaks down and starts to cry. Although she takes the children to their medical appointments, she resents Dave for delivering the children to her on different occasions with lice, viruses, rashes, cavities, and ear infections, and expecting her to handle it.

Whatever your position on how Leah and Dave are parenting Rose and Matthew, the inconsistencies in how they handle routines, discipline, health issues, mealtimes, bedtime, sweets, and technology is likely to create serious problems in their co-parenting relationship. It may also set the stage for difficult-to-manage behavioral issues in their children. If Dave gets them on a successful sleep schedule, that schedule will be disrupted every time they visit Leah and are allowed to sleep in her bed, and he will have to reinvent the wheel every time the kids return to him. If Leah tries to educate the children on healthy food and provide them with nourishing meals, her efforts will be undermined when they go to their dad’s house and revert to Captain Crunch breakfasts and pizza dinners. With both parents making assumptions and judging the other parent’s way of handling things, self-righteousness may polarize them beyond their true values and intentions, making it harder to blend approaches and unify around a shared, effective way of handling repetitive challenges and issues.

10 Ways to Co-Parent More Effectively

Here are 10 practical ideas to try out if you’re serious about setting the stage for a more productive co-parenting relationship (these suggestions presuppose that neither parent is a danger to themselves or others):

  1. Understand your unconscious parenting style and how it may be a reaction to or a repetition of the way your own parents parented you. Are you authoritarian, authoritative, or permissive? It’s important to find ways to make your co-parenting style a conscious choice, one that serves your children’s developmental needs rather than your own fears (Tsabary. 2016).
  2. Take a co-parenting class. Many community centers and law firms offer co-parenting classes, sometimes for free.
  3. Read a co-parenting book. There are many great books out there with helpful insights and tools. If you’re not a big reader, marriage and family therapist Polly Ely has created a range of hand-held scripts (available at www.thelabmethod.com) which you can keep in a kitchen drawer, purse, or backpack and read for on-the-spot guidance navigating challenging exchanges with your kids (2016).
  4. Listen to parenting audios. There are many parenting and co-parenting audio programs available for download at nominal fees on the internet or for rental at public libraries. Child psychologist Dr. Renee Hackney, for example, has an audio library on her website providing research-supported psychoeducation on a wide range of parenting topics (2017).
  5. Communicate regularly with your ex, even if it’s through texts or email, to coordinate schedules and keep each other informed of school events, lessons, medical issues, or other relevant information. The AzAFCC has a helpful Co-Parenting Communication Guide with specific suggestions for communication tailored to the exact medium you are using (2011).
  6. Notice what your ex is getting right. Express gratitude and appreciation through texts, email, or in person. For example: “I’m so grateful for the notes you write to me and put in our daughter’s backpack keeping me posted on the stuff you think I should know about your time together.” Apologize when you do or say something you regret.
  7. Talk to your ex about the pros and cons of your routines, find common ground, and agree to keep certain parts of the children’s routines consistent between households. Co-create a co-parenting agreement, something that helps unite you in your intentions, vision, parental rights, obligations, and mutual goals (Family by Design, 2012.) You can also co-create a co-parenting mission statement, post it on the refrigerator, or make it a daily reminder as a screensaver. For example: “Our mission as co-parents is to work together, to respect and support our separate relationships with our kids, and to help our children develop into kind, confident, resourceful, happy human beings.”
  8. Find ways to support each other that will allow for greater consistency while permitting flexibility. Examples: providing a few frozen home-made meals at drop-off for the parent who hates to cook, or keeping the children on the other parent’s sleep schedule even if that requires extra effort.
  9. Discuss the rules that vary between households with your children, and explain why you and your ex have different views about these rules. Express your belief that your child has the ability to respect both sets of rules, just as they might whisper when they’re in a library and laugh loudly when they’re at a playground. Give your children space and time to share their feelings about the inconsistencies.
  10. When a serious difference or grievance arises, figure out a way to work through it respectfully. Learn to contain and compartmentalize your negative emotions in your children’s presence. Avoid making negative statements, judgments, or even indulging in subtle innuendoes about your ex’s wrongness, badness, or inferiority. If possible, minimize the amount of time you spend spinning your mental wheels judging, blaming, criticizing, and complaining about your ex, whether to yourself or others. Although it’s appropriate and necessary to feel and work through your anger and grief, it’s inappropriate and harmful to overexpose your children to these processes or to remain stuck in a victim role.

Drop deeper into the underlying vulnerability your anger is protecting you from. Take responsibility for some part of why your marriage didn’t work, and rise to the challenge of making your relationship as co-parents a successful one. This will empower you to accept your situation, grow, and move on. If you need a mediator or a therapist to help you do this, get one. Agree to ground rules for respectful communication and stick to them. It’s important to minimize aggression/aggressive language or behavior toward your ex at pick-ups or drop-offs or at events where you’re together, such as birthdays, holidays, or graduations.

Keep in mind your child’s father or mother is one of a kind to your daughter or son, even if stepparents enter the picture. Try to see your ex through your child’s eyes. Children internalize their relationships with their parents as reflections of their own identity. The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children. In addition, when you can help your children maintain a realistic and positive connection with your ex, you’re helping them to cope with your separation or divorce, feel safer and more loved, and develop a healthier sense of self.

References:

  1. Arizona Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. (2011). Co-Parenting Communication Guide. Retrieved from http://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AzAFCC%20Coparenting%20Communication%20Guide.pdf
  2. Bonnel, K., & Little, K. (2014). The Co-Parents Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family from Little Ones to Young Adults. Bellevue, WA: CMC Publishers.
  3. Cloitre, M., Cherry, S., Levitt, J., & Martin, A. (2004). A Two-Phase Treatment for Adults with PTSD Related to Experiences of Mass Violence, The Manual.
  4. Ely, P. (2016). The Lab Method. Retrieved from https://www.thelabmethod.com/
  5. Family by Design Ventures. (2012). Family by Design, the Community for Parenting Partnerships. Retrieved from http://familybydesign.com/content/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/FBD-Co-Parenting-Agreement.pdf
  6. Hackney, R. (2017). Parenting Playgroups. Retrieved from http://parentingplaygroups.com/MemberResources/index.php/welcome/
  7. Karen, R. (1998). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  8. Tsabary, S. (2016). The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. New York, NY: Viking.
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