Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My daughter won’t listen to me! She is 15 and thinks she has everything figured out. She yells at me all the time and says nasty things. I caught her using drugs once, and she’s definitely having sex. She also sneaks out at night sometimes and skips school. This is more than just a rebellious phase. I don’t know where she gets it from, but it’s not me!

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I don’t know what to do about it, either. I want to be a good, supportive mom, but I can’t stand by and watch this. I’m really worried about my daughter’s future. She doesn’t seem to care at all. I would appreciate any insights or practical suggestions you have beyond recommending counseling, as there is no way she would go. —Mystified Mom

Dear Mystified Mom,

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply painful, and even frightening, situation. I imagine it is heartbreaking to hear your daughter yell at you and say nasty things. Seeing her engage in risky behaviors that could have serious consequences likely evokes a sense of anxiety and helplessness.

Sometimes in situations like this, where you can’t control the behavior of someone else, it is best to shift the focus to the only person you can control: you. It is clear from your writing that this is very difficult for you and you do not know what to do. So, while you can’t force your daughter into counseling, you can certainly go. It sounds like you could benefit from the kind of safe and supportive environment that counseling affords. Beyond support for yourself, once a counselor gains a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play, they might be able to offer to some suggestions for ways to connect with your daughter and help her.

Sometimes in situations like this, where you can’t control the behavior of someone else, it is best to shift the focus to the only person you can control: you.

I find myself wondering if you have tried approaching her with concern outside of an incident. When you’ve just caught her doing something she is not allowed to do or when you two are in the middle of an argument, neither one of you is in the best place to have a constructive conversation. However, when there’s relative peace in the home, a conversation can go a lot better. I wonder what would happen if, during such a time, you knocked on her door and asked if she had a minute to talk and simply expressed concern. Perhaps you could try something along the lines of, “It doesn’t seem like you’ve been very happy lately and I’m concerned about you. I know we haven’t been getting along very well, either, but I want you to know you can talk to me. I’m here for you.” Even if she doesn’t jump at the opportunity in the moment, perhaps you are planting a seed that might produce fruit down the road.

I’m also curious how long this behavior has been going on. How significant is the change? For example, did she go from being a fairly obedient child who got along well with you to what you have described or was her behavior always difficult to manage? In thinking back to when all of this started, is there any triggering event you can identify—perhaps a change in the family, a significant loss, a move to a different school? Developing some thoughts about what might have prompted this change in her could also be helpful in trying to understand and connect with her.

Parenting a teenager who is acting out can be incredibly difficult. I hope you will get the support you need for yourself. You just might find it opens you up to some different approaches to connecting with your daughter. Best wishes on this difficult part of your journey.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Contrary to popular belief, witnessing arguments between parents may not always be bad for children. According to new research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it’s how those arguments are handled that matters.

Children who witness constructive arguments between their parents may benefit from the experience. Compared to children whose parents engage in destructive argument patterns, children exposed to constructive disagreements were more emotionally secure.

Arguing in Front of Children: Conflict Style Matters

The study used data from the Building Strong Families Project, which focused on families with low incomes. These families face many stressors that put them at risk for conflict. Researchers analyzed data collected when children in the study were about 3 years old. Both mothers and fathers answered questions about how they managed conflict, as well as how their children reacted to conflicts between the parents.

The study defined constructive conflict as conflict in which couples stayed focused on a single topic and made progress toward a solution. Constructive conflict also meant avoiding anger and resentment and sticking to the present instead of bringing up past disputes.

Researchers identified the following styles of conflict management: relationships in which both partners managed conflict constructively; relationships in which both partners managed conflict destructively; and relationships in which one partner was more destructive than the other.

[fat_widget_right]They found no correlation between conflict management style and parenting style. This suggests parents could behave lovingly with their children even when they were destructive with their partners. But even when parents were loving, children who witnessed destructive conflicts suffered. Compared to those who witnessed constructive conflict, children who had one destructive parent were more likely to feel emotionally insecure.

Why Some Conflict Can Be Beneficial

Researchers noted that levels of emotional insecurity were lowest among children whose parents both engaged in destructive conflict. This may be because the parents were more likely to separate by the time data was collected. The fact that so few parents fit into this group might also have skewed the data.

Though stereotypes suggest low-income families may have more constructive conflicts due to stress, the study found destructive conflict was relatively uncommon. Both partners were destructive in just 3% of families. More than half of couples both consistently argued constructively.

Therapists interested in supporting families, particularly low-income families, should consider that not all conflict is harmful. Instead, helping families discuss disagreements more constructively may benefit families and children.

References:

1. Kopystynska, O., Paschall, K. W., Barnett, M. A., & Curran, M. A. (2017). Patterns of interparental conflict, parenting, and children’s emotional insecurity: A person-centered approach. Journal of Family Psychology. doi:10.1037/fam0000343
2. Parents: How you manage conflict has an impact on your kids. (2017, September 20). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170920131717.htm

Considering the outpouring of support and positive feedback I’ve received since my last article, “Emotional Regulation and Children: Tips for Caregivers,” I thought I would continue with a theme of parental support and tips. My job, as a child and family therapist, is to offer support and assistance to parents as they learn to manage their emotions and responses to children while also helping them teach their children how to self-regulate.

The Importance of Boundaries

One of the most important aspects of helping children, adolescents, and even adults manage their own emotions is helping them understand boundaries and their importance. Boundaries are a touchy subject for a lot of people. When talking about boundaries in sessions, I often hear the assumption that boundaries mean hard rules, “mean” rules, or that they are designed to create distance between two or more people.

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But the wonderful thing about boundaries is, while there are indeed some general principles for them, the ways we utilize them are individual and unique to each situation and/or the people involved. An even more wonderful thing about boundaries? They’re easy to use and implement, even with young children. That being said, let’s explore a few techniques that are useful for handling common parenting difficulties while simultaneously supporting little children and their big emotions.

Everyone likes some degree of control, even children. As children learn to navigate the world, figure out their role in life, and learn just what they have power over, they’re going to want to show you they are in control. As this assertion of control often means refusals to listen or follow directions, it can be difficult for parents to navigate.

Take, for example, a morning battle I hear of many parents having with their young, school-age children: what to wear to school. Say your child wants to want to wear their Halloween costume or a tutu over jeans with flip-flops and a poncho, but you want them to wear something more appropriate for school or play. To navigate this struggle, I suggest implementing a boundary that allows the child control within a limitation. Allow them a choice of three outfits you picked. Will they love that? They might not, but it allows them control within reason. If they fight you, the ensuing dialogue could go something like this:

Parent: You can choose from one of these three outfits.

Child: No, I don’t want to wear any of those! I want to wear my costume!

P:  I know you do. It’s a fun and cool costume, and I’m sure you feel very tough and important in it, but you have to pick one of these.

C: WHY?

P: Because sometimes we need to wear things we don’t want to. You know, I would love to wear pajamas to work, but my boss expects me to wear nice clothes. Even though you love this costume, it isn’t Halloween, and it will make it difficult for you to sit properly in class or play at recess. Your teacher and friends will all be dressed in school clothes, and so you need to wear school clothes, too.

C: I don’t want to!

P: I know you don’t, and I see this is hard for you to understand, and that you are frustrated with me for making this rule. But I’m not going to change my mind, so let me know when you decide which of these three outfits you’d like to wear.

By setting a boundary, you are helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.

By responding in this way, you are setting a solid boundary. Your child learns you will enforce the rule and not change your mind, but also that you understand their frustration with the rule—potentially a rule they have not yet encountered. Though the measure of control they have in the situation may not be ideal, they also learn they still do have the power to make a decision on their own and master the situation, within a certain limitation. This is an important skill for children to learn. By setting a boundary, you are also helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.

Managing Tantrums

Another common challenge faced by parents and children is learning how to manage tantrums. All of us who spend time around children are likely aware of and dread the “terrible T,” the complete, full-body meltdown that leaves both parent and child exhausted, emotional, and often without a solution.

Everyone handles tantrums differently, but I tend to model them for families as follows:

Child: I don’t want to leave the playground. I don’t want dinner! (Child may begin to cry.)

Parent: I know you don’t want to leave. I can see you are having a very good time playing with your friends, but we have to go home and have dinner.

C: NO! (Your child may say they hate you, hit you, or spit, etc.)

P: Oh, wow. I can see you’re upset and angry at me for making us leave. Is that how you feel right now?

C: Yes.

P: I understand, and it’s okay if you’re mad at me. I still love you very much. But listen, we can’t hit people, ok?  Hands are for petting puppies and giving high fives. If you’re going to hit me when it’s time to come home, then we can’t come to the park anymore.

(Child may continue to cry.)

It’s common for children to fight harder when a boundary or limit is put into place. Adults do the same thing. I encourage caregivers to, at this point, get down on the child’s level, hold them close, and show them as much love as they would if the child was behaving well. My philosophy is children need love the most when they are acting their worst.

Here you might say and do the following:

Parent: Okay, Jimmy, let me come down there and give you a big bear hug. Let me help you calm down. Let’s take a big, deep breath, ok? I see how upset you are, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so many things right now. I know it’s hard to leave, I really do, and you’re being so strong right now.

By this point I find the child has often calmed enough to listen and look you in the eyes—here is where you can get them to hear you, because they know you understand and hear them. You could give them a choice, as in the first example: you might allow them to choose which way to walk home or let them pick dinner if they are able to contain themselves appropriately.

I encourage parents not to pick their child up and put them in the car mid-tantrum, because not only does this tend to create more distress and upset, it rarely ends productively. Sometimes 15 extra minutes at the park, a validating conversation, and some patience goes a long way for you and your child.

An important step in the management of tantrums is validation of the feelings the child is experiencing. Little children have the same feelings we do, but they not only experience them much more intensely and ferociously than adults do, they also lack an adequate understanding of how to manage them. When loving caregivers apply boundaries and limitations in a safe, consistent, and fair way, children learn they will survive the emotional upset and begin to develop the ability to master difficult and unfamiliar experiences.

Learning to apply these boundaries and limitations while validating your child’s feelings is a process that takes practice and consistency. A qualified therapist can help, if you are unsure of where to begin or otherwise having difficulty. Whatever you do, don’t give up!

In the wake of terror attacks and acts of violence around the world—such as the white supremacy demonstrations in Charlottesville, Virginia, that led a man to plough a vehicle into a crowd of counter-protesters, killing a woman—many parents may be unsure how to talk to their children about the news.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers parents several tips. The discussion, the organization says, should begin by asking children what they already know. Parents should offer encouragement and reassurance, maintain a consistent routine, and shield young children from graphic images of violence. They should also monitor children for signs of depression and trauma, such as sleep, behavioral issues, and changes in eating habits.

Many want to talk with their children about race in a way that raises a child’s consciousness without being frightening. Most experts emphasize the need to be honest in an age-appropriate way. Parents must also explore their own feelings about race and racism before attempting to educate their children. Like other challenging conversations, ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. Rather than having one conversation, parents should begin as early as possible, have frequent discussions, and maintain open lines of communication.

The Psychology of the Eclipse: ‘You Just Feel Connected With Everybody’

[fat_widget_right]As excitement about Monday’s solar eclipse increases, some mental health experts say the eclipse can foster a connection. Experiencing something out of the ordinary can break down the usual barriers to connection, fostering a sense of unity and closeness—even with strangers.

Some Companies Want You to Take a Mental Health Day

A mental health day can be as important for good health and job satisfaction as sick leave. Yet, many workers are reluctant to tell their managers they need one. Some companies now encourage employees to take mental health days, citing increases in productivity and job satisfaction among employees with good mental health.

What’s Worse Than Being Unemployed? A Bad Job, Say Researchers

Many workers think long-term unemployment is the most stressful job experience they can have. According to new research, however, staying in a bad job might be worse. Researchers followed people who were unemployed during 2009 and 2010. Those who took “poor quality work” had higher stress levels than those who remained jobless.

Rand Study Recommends Improvements to Mental Health Care for Service Members

A new Rand Corporation study suggests lack of access to quality mental health care remains an issue for current and former soldiers. The study, which surveyed 520 providers, found less than half were able to see people with depression or posttraumatic stress (PTSD) weekly. Instead, they saw these people biweekly or less. This suggests soldiers may not get the consistent care they need to see improvements in mental health.

How White Supremacists Use Victimhood to Recruit

Research on white supremacist groups suggest their members see themselves—not the minority groups they target—as the real victims. They believe white people are the real targets for systemic oppression. In other words, they are prevented from expressing their “white pride,” their victimization erodes self-esteem, and the ongoing victimization of white groups is part of a plan to eliminate the white “race.”

Now, Manage Your Mental Health and Chronic Conditions With an App

A new smartphone app promises to help middle-age and older adults manage their physical and mental health. The app, which is designed to meet the average technical abilities of older adults, involves three months of training in 10 sessions. The sessions cover health topics such as stress, medication and substance abuse, and the role of mental health in physical health.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I am a mother of one child, and I share custody of that child with her father. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the last two I’ve been seeing someone I’ve become really close to. We’ve lately been discussing getting a place together, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me—he doesn’t seem to like my child. He’s not mean, short, or even rude. He just doesn’t engage her, doesn’t talk to her much, and doesn’t seek out interactions with her. In fact, it’s like he’d rather pretend she isn’t there, unless he has to do otherwise. He prefers to go out and take trips when my daughter is with her father, even though I’ve said frequently that I’d like to include her in the future, at least some of the time.

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My daughter is 8 and reasonably well-behaved, well-mannered, energetic but not too wild—in short, she’s a typical kid and acts like one. There are no underlying factors of health or behavior that might complicate the situation, and she really seems to like my boyfriend and though she hasn’t yet seemed to notice that he often brushes her off, I’m worried she’ll begin to and be hurt by it.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he says he likes her just fine, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to talk to kids. It was a relief to hear that the first time, and I said he could talk to her about anything—a show she likes, the book she’s reading, or her friends at school, etc. But the next time they were around each other, nothing changed. This has become a pattern, and so I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up.

I haven’t dated much since my divorce, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. Is this normal? Should this be a deal-breaker? How can I find out what’s really going on, and whether it’s something that can change? —Mulling Mom

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Mulling,

Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply complex dilemma. Dating when you have a child is so very hard because you are ideally looking for two connections—one between you and your partner and another between your partner and your child. It sounds like you have one of those connections, but not the other, and you’re trying to decide where to go from here.

I find myself feeling curious if you’ve talked to your daughter about how she feels about your partner. If you haven’t, it seems like it might be time. Invite her to be honest, and ask simple questions. Does she like him? How does she feel when she spends time with him? Is there anything she doesn’t like about him? What does she wish was different about him? Keep the questions directed at her experience of him; do not ask her to weigh in on your decisions about the relationship—that’s too much responsibility for a child to take on. After such a conversation, you may have a better understanding of her experience of him.

Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter.

Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter. For example, if the conversation with her validates your belief she is unaware that she is being brushed off, this doesn’t mean she will remain unaware. You indicate a concern she will notice and it will hurt her. I think that is a valid concern. As she grows, she will almost certainly realize his disinterest in her, which may be hurtful in the moment but may also send a message to her about what she should expect in her own relationships.

You ask how you can find out “what’s really going on” and if it can change. This can only be addressed with him. It sounds like you haven’t seen any change in his behavior with your daughter and the conversation between you and him is so unproductive that you have ceased having it. Perhaps it’s time to consider enlisting the support of a couples therapist. If both of you are willing, a therapist can help you to move beyond this impasse and have a more productive conversation.

If he is unwilling to engage in therapy with you, it might be a good idea to engage in your own therapy. This is gut-wrenching. You’ve found a relationship you feel happy in after your divorce but question—with good reason—what the impact might be for your daughter. There are no easy answers here, and having the support of a therapist could be helpful as you try to set a course for your future.

Best wishes,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Being the parent of a child with a disability carries with it unique responsibilities, stressors, and rewards. It requires an extra dose of emotional resilience, perseverance, and resourcefulness. Powered by the same (or an even stronger) drive to nurture, protect, and empower their children as parents of kids perceived as normatively abled, parents of children with physical, intellectual, or developmental disabilities such as autism spectrum issues, spina bifida, or Down syndrome often face profound social and systemic prejudices. These “invisible” obstacles can be all the more agonizing when they are unacknowledged.

The Global Partnership for Education notes “children with disabilities remain the most excluded group [when it comes to educational opportunities], discriminated not only because of their disability but also because of lack of understanding and knowledge about its causes, implications, and stigma.” Even parents seeking to support their child with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) or physical conditions such as blindness or mobility issues can find themselves overwhelmed by the challenges of getting proper testing or access to a restroom or play space. When a child’s disability dovetails with preexisting societal or cultural prejudices related to gender, race, religious affiliation, or sexual identity, the challenges intensify, with an impact on parents that peers, colleagues, and others may not fully comprehend or appreciate.

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As parents of children with disabilities proactively seek information and support and advocate for their children, they may discover frustrating limitations that reinforce a sense of isolation or exclusion and stoke emotions such as grief or anger. As a result of these and other factors, parents seeking support for their special needs children have special needs of their own when it comes to self-care.

Here are some key ways parents of children with disabilities can make self-care a priority:

1. Get support.

• Community support: Find others in your community with whom you feel accepted, celebrated, upheld, and safe. This could mean taking a class that interests you, strengthening your commitment to your faith community, or joining a book club.
• Professional support: Find an individual therapist or coach who can help you work through specific challenges and issues; soothe, manage, and reduce your fears and anxieties; and provide a space for you to grieve, rejoice, or process anger. If you struggle with speaking up for yourself or your child, you may want to focus some of your energies on learning how to be a more vocal and effective advocate.
• Peer mentoring/group support: Look for support groups, in person or online, where you can interface with others who are struggling with similar issues, or whose children are also facing challenges. This can serve multiple functions: it can help you feel supported and connected, it can provide relief as you share your difficulties with others who understand and relate to what you’re going through, and it can help you access important information and resources related to ways others have dealt with and approached similar situations.

Parents of children with disabilities face added pressures and need to acknowledge their limitations and find ways to slow down, let go, and relax control, giving their nervous systems a much-needed rest.

2. Find time to do the things you love.

As the parent of a child with a disability, you likely expend tremendous energy trying to make sure your child has the privileges and opportunities available to other children. When your child’s disability is long-term or involves being vigilant about basic safety needs, the strain can take a toll on your well-being unless you are disciplined about your self-care.

Finding ways to recharge, relax, and experience pleasure in your life is essential. The more balanced, relaxed, and recharged you are, the more patient, caring, and proactive you can be as your child’s protector, nurturer, and advocate. Start with making a list of “Fun Things I Would Do If I Had Time.” You might include activities like going for a bike ride, going to dinner with a friend or partner, painting or journaling, watching a movie, getting a massage, taking a walk outdoors, or going to the gym.

3. Seek and take advantage of respite care services in your city or state.

Some parents of children with disabilities avoid taking advantage of respite care services for their children or feel pressured to “do it all on their own.” They may be anxious about their children not receiving proper or attuned care, or they may feel guilty about needing a break. In fact, allowing yourself and your child to be supported by trained caregivers can offer both of you a positive “time out” from each other, allowing you to hit the figurative reset button. It can help you replenish your emotional resources so you can be stronger and more resilient in your parenting.

4. Meditate.

Meditation can help you slow down, be in the present moment, and let go of trying to fix or control external circumstances, even if only for 5 to 10 minutes a day. There are multiple phone apps available with free or low-fee audio recordings of brief, guided meditations you can do between tasks, while you’re waiting in line at the store, or when you’re taking a bathroom break. These apps have reminders that encourage you to take a few moments out of your day and check in with yourself.

Everyone needs practice letting go of endlessly regenerating thoughts, beliefs, fear-based stories, and regrets in the interest of simply accepting life as it is right now. Parents of children with disabilities face added pressures and need to acknowledge their limitations and find ways to slow down, let go, and relax control, giving their nervous systems a much-needed rest.

In addition to experiencing high levels of chronic stress, anxiety, and depression, parents of children with disabilities are faced with the heartbreaking limitations that exist in a world where not all children are included, considered, and prioritized in the same ways. As you work to confront and overcome these limitations and to secure services, treatments, opportunities, and access for your child that will help them develop and thrive, it’s easy to ignore or minimize your needs. Far from being a self-indulgent luxury, your self-care is a critical necessity.

Reference:

1. Children with disabilities. (2017). Retrieved from http://www.globalpartnership.org/focus-areas/children-with-disabilities
2. Self-care for parents and caregivers of children with a disability. (2017). Retrieved from https://www.kidcentraltn.com/article/self-care-for-parents-and-caregivers-of-children-with-a-disability

Let’s face it: no one likes conflict, especially conflict with people we love and care about. Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable in relationships, especially in parent-child relationships. Parent-child conflict is, in fact, a frequent reason families seek therapy. Often, parents and children state that conflict in the home is stressful, uncomfortable, upsetting, and angering. Conflict is difficult because it typically leaves both parties feeling emotionally flooded, hurt, and hesitant about future connections with the other person. Conflict and the feelings related to conflict, if left unresolved, can linger for days or weeks and may seep into other relationships within the family.

For many families, the goal is to get rid of conflict altogether. For parents, this sometimes turns into a permissive parenting style characterized by poor boundaries, rules, and consequences for fear of inciting conflict. For kids, this can turn into anxiety or a perfectionist tendency in an effort to decrease the negativity surrounding the conflict. Either way, these strategies often lead to unhealthy dynamics and future problems. While it is always preferable to use healthy communication strategies to keep conflict to a minimum, a healthy relationship is ultimately defined less by the frequency of conflict and more by the repair strategies each person uses and is open to receiving.

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What is a repair attempt? Dr. John Gottman talks a lot about repair attempts in his work with couples. These same strategies can be successfully used in all sorts of relationships, including parent-child relationships. According to Gottman (1999), a repair attempt is “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p. 22). He suggests people in healthy relationships repair early and often and are both able to make repair attempts and receive repair attempts.

Below are some examples of repair attempts that you can use at home as a parent or child.

1. Validate the other person’s emotions. Letting the other person know you hear them and validate their feelings and experience can go a long way to decreasing conflict. Both parents and children often express feeling misunderstood and dismissed by the other. By validating, you are saying, “I hear you” and “I care about your feelings.”
   • For kids: A lot of times, your parents may feel taken for granted, invisible, and that you don’t care how they feel. By validating their emotions, it can decrease their anger, hurt feelings, and potential defensiveness. Remember, your parents are people with feelings too.
   • For parents: How many times have you heard kids say no one understands them? Well, that might be due in part to the fact adults don’t always do a good job validating their feelings. By validating your child’s feelings, you are communicating to them that you want to understand them and are there for them no matter how they are feeling.
2. Take responsibility and apologize. Taking responsibility and apologizing for your role in a situation or conflict can go a long way to deescalating a situation.
   • For kids: Usually parents just want to hear you know what you did wrong, that you take responsibility for your choice, and you have learned not to repeat the behavior. The sooner you can take ownership of your piece, the quicker the conflict will end.
   • For parents: Kids often believe parents don’t apologize or see how they can make poor choices too. It can be powerful for kids to hear a parent apologize and take ownership of their mistakes. You are also modeling for your kids the importance of this skill.
3. Use Gottman’s “stop action” strategies. Gottman has some great strategies to stop conflict in its place before someone gets flooded or things escalate too far. Although it is important for parents to be able to initiate and model these skills, kids can also learn to recognize when they are becoming overwhelmed and ask for a break. Remember, these are not strategies to avoid conflict but rather allow each person to calm down and revisit the conversation from a better, calmer place. Gottman (1999) gives the following examples (p. 175):

• “Let’s take a break.”
• “Let’s agree to disagree.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
• “Can we change the topic and come back to this later?”

Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist.

4. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Along with validating, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing the conflict from their perspective can help move a disagreement along to a healthy resolution.
   • For kids: Even though it may feel at times parents are being unfair, most of the time their rules, consequences, and boundaries are coming from a place of love and protection. For example, if you are arguing over curfew, it can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and recognize they are not setting a curfew just to make you angry, but rather to make sure you are safe. Try saying something like, “I know you have a curfew for me because you love me and are trying to keep me safe. I am grateful for that. However, I feel I am at an age where a later curfew is appropriate.” By saying this, you are validating their concerns while sharing your position.
   • For parents: Again, kids often feel misunderstood. And let’s be honest, sometimes it can be hard to understand their motivations and/or choices. However, if you take a moment to reframe their behavior and put yourself in their shoes, you might find this new understanding helps you both reach a positive resolution. For example, if you are arguing over phone usage, you might recognize how important peer connection is in their life. You might say something like, “I know your friends are important to you and your phone is the best way to stay connected outside of school. I understand that limiting your usage makes you worry that you will miss out on important things. However, we feel strongly that cellphones be turned off at 9 p.m. so you get good sleep. Maybe we can make more of an effort to get you together with friends after school or on the weekends.” By using this repair strategy, your child may feel heard and that there are options to get their needs met.
5. Ask what the other person needs and/or share what you need in the moment. You can share your feelings and needs with “I” statements (i.e., “I am feeling blamed and defensive right now and could really use a break”). You can also ask the other person what they need (i.e., “It seems like you are feeling really upset right now. Would it help to take a break and come back to this when we are both calmer?”). Again, this strategy can help initiate a much-needed cool-down period.
6. Use humor. Humor is a good strategy to deescalate conflict. One way you can use humor is through a funny code/safe word you both come up with to identify when conflict is getting out of hand. When things are calm, work together to think of a funny word or phrase that either one of you can use when you are feeling flooded during conflict. Use of this word during conflict should signify it is time to use those self-regulation skills or take a break until you are calmer. Sometimes, it may just get the two of you laughing.

It is important to note that sometimes these repair attempts don’t come across in the clearest or gentlest way. Therefore, it is important not only to make an effort to use them appropriately, but to be on the lookout for them from the other person. This can be especially difficult when your relationship is fraught with negativity. Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist to help you learn and practice some of these skills. Therapy can be a great place to begin to identify and practice potential repair strategies for use at home.

Reference:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Parents of autistic children often participate in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to address emotional and behavioral concerns in their children. According to a study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, parents who attended CBT with their children experienced improvements in their own mental health.

In the standard model of therapy for autistic children, parents are usually not active participants. They are often in a separate room. For this study, researchers asked parents to act as co-therapists, directly involving them in the process.

CBT is a type of therapy that aims to alleviate distress by correcting and redirecting automatic thoughts and behaviors. Therapists work with people in therapy to help them better manage emotional distress and to change problematic behavioral habits.

CBT: Benefits for Parents and Children

For the study, researchers recruited 57 autistic children between ages 8 and 12. None of the children had co-occurring intellectual disabilities.

[fat_widget_right]Some parents were randomly assigned to serve as co-therapists during their children’s CBT sessions. Another group was placed on a waitlist. As co-therapists, parents practiced emotional and behavioral regulation strategies alongside their children. They also wrote down their children’s thoughts during therapy activities.

Compared to waitlisted parents, the parents who acted as co-therapists experienced improvements on a wide range of mental health measures. They had fewer symptoms of depression, were more adept at regulating their own emotions, and were more mindful parents with better perceptions of their children. Because CBT often cultivates mindfulness and supports emotional regulation, these improvements are likely a direct result of the parents’ involvement in their children’s therapy.

CBT as a Tool for Understanding Autistic Children

Parents who participated in their children’s therapy felt the experience improved their understanding of their children. Writing down their children’s feelings and participating in therapy sessions with their children may have helped some parents better understand their children’s challenges.

“It created a very safe, predictable approach for my son,” said Jessica Jannarone, a parent who participated in the program, in an interview posted to YouTube. “I could hear firsthand from his own perspective and his words what it felt like to be him sometimes and to work on coping skills together. The difference it’s made in the last year is more than has happened in the past 10 for us.”

References:

1. Effects of cognitive behavior therapy on parents of children with autism. (2017, August 1). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170801131221.htm
2. Maughan, A. L., & Weiss, J. A. (2017). Parental outcomes following participation in cognitive behavior therapy for children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. doi:10.1007/s10803-017-3224-z

13 Reasons Why is a runaway hit with teens and tweens. Here’s what you need to know and how to discuss the controversial topics it introduces (and doesn’t always handle responsibly) with your kids.

Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why glamorizes suicide to a vulnerable audience. It sends the troublesome message that if you are not able to find your voice in life but are thoughtful about planning your death, you can bring about justice and have the last word from beyond.

What a way to stick it to the people who contributed to your decision to end your life.

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The teen years are fraught with challenges. Unfortunately, bullying, sexual objectification, and unstable relationships are some of the issues adolescent girls often face. The show’s protagonist, Hannah Baker, experienced a series of heinous assaults—on her character and her body—at the hands of her peers.

Parents, classmates, and school faculty were not there for her, as she needed them to be. She handled her pain by ending her life at age 17. She was a bright girl with a dark sense of humor and unknown potential.

Instead of seeking help, she spent the last week of her life crafting an elaborate scavenger hunt as a legacy to teach the people who had hurt her a lesson. She channeled energy that could have saved her life into planning her death and the events that would follow.

I see teens in my private therapy practice. Many of them are watching this show, which makes suicide dangerously relatable and depicts it as a form of self-expression. I fear we are going to see a surge in teen suicidality.

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. More than 5,000 people in that age group die by suicide every year in the United States. Graphic depictions of suicide have been shown to exacerbate suicidal ideation in already troubled teens, particularly if the act is portrayed as imaginative and brave. Adolescents who think everyone paid attention to the pretty, misunderstood girl from 13 Reasons Why may be tempted to follow her lead.

The show shines a light on the damaging “butterfly effect” the self-serving actions of insecure high school students jockeying for social status can cause. It opens up an important conversation about “slut-shaming” and sexual assault. But it fails to let teens know suicide is not an appropriate response to tragic circumstances.

As it is, too many teens struggle with depression and suicidality made worse by the cruel politics of high school. This show gives them an out of sorts, painting suicide as an opportunity to be immortalized in death.

Her suffering makes her a heroine—maybe even a modern-day martyr. But is that really the message we want our kids to take away? That if they are clever enough about the way in which they plan their untimely death, they will make an impact in a way that would never have been possible if they had struggled through it and lived?

What does this show teach kids about the value of their lives?

Hannah Baker made audiotapes and began a chain, arranging to have them delivered to each person she holds responsible for contributing to her suicide. She declares each one guilty in a posthumous trial, shaming them among their peers and riddling them with fear of social, academic, and legal consequences if word gets out about what they did.

She lives on as a narrator, almost as if she is watching her classmates’ lives unravel in response to the information she disseminates among the group. She is the “star” of the show.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold, and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over. Once she decided to end her life, it seems Hannah took more pains to plan for events after her death than to seek a reason to live.

High school can be vicious. At this treacherous developmental stage, fitting in can seem like life and death. Kids betray friends to avoid humiliation, impress peers, and secure their place in the social hierarchy. Add to that the rapid changes occurring in the body and brain, the pressures of navigating dating and sexuality, worries about grades, extracurricular activities, college, and family issues, and it’s a perfect storm of stress.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over.

But the answer is not to opt out. And this needs to be made clear to a population susceptible to self-doubt and impulsivity. Adolescents’ developing brains cannot fully grasp the impact of their actions, rendering them prone to ill-conceived decisions.

Most choices can be remedied and may serve as valuable lessons. But utilizing one’s suicide as an intricate revenge fantasy? Teens need to recognize this irreversible act will not bring the satisfaction they imagine. Despite her voiceover implying otherwise, Hannah Baker did not live to see the impact of her tapes.

The teen years can be agonizing. One out of six high school students seriously considers suicide. The message needs to be made clear. Once you take your life, there is no coming back. There is no chance to use your pain to create something beautiful, to use your empathy to offer people friendship or hope, or to triumph over those insecure, self-important kids who stepped on you to prop themselves up.

There is no realizing they cross your mind less and less as you find contentment, fulfillment, and connection with people who are not fixated on their own image, or that there are no more cool kids—life after high school is about finding your passions and people who uplift you.

With many teens viewing media on their personal devices, it is challenging to stay on top of what your kids are seeing, but it’s important to know what is influencing them. None of the teens’ parents in the show have a real sense of what is going on in their lives while they make savage, illegal, and, in Hannah’s case, fatal decisions.

Teens don’t tell their parents everything. It’s stage-appropriate for them to reject their parents’ ideas and carve out their own identities, but you have a responsibility to engage with your kids and know their friends. Encourage them to share their goals and setbacks with you.

Pay attention.

There are clues when something is wrong, but you have to look for them. How are their grades? What do they do with their free time? Which activities are they involved in? What are their interests? How is their mood? Who are their friends?

13 Reasons Why raises a lot of serious issues worth discussing, but it dangerously romanticizes suicide and elevates it to a heroic act. Though Netflix does not release ratings data, it is the most-tweeted-about television show of 2017, making it clear this is a cultural phenomenon.

Since your kids may have watched it already, use it to talk to them about bullying, depression, feelings of isolation, and suicidality. Ask them what they think about choosing to end one’s life and what they would do if they felt hopeless. Offer them counseling, whether it’s the guidance counselor at school, a community counseling center, a private practice therapist, or a teen group.

Frame it as a resource to be utilized when they struggle and remind them they can come to you, no matter how concerned they may be about your reaction. Let them know you love them unconditionally and are there to help in any way you can. Ask how they are doing if they appear to be hurting. They may not share with you because they think you aren’t interested or you’ll criticize or worry.

Create a climate that lets them know you care and want to support them without passing judgment or trying to live their lives for them. Talk to your kids and let them know it gets better and help is available.

Sometimes the most difficult choice is to struggle on, but all emotions are time-limited. Just as there were joyful moments in the past, there will again be moments that make life worthwhile. Hardships provide us contrast with which to appreciate them and with the tools to grow resilient.

If you are feeling suicidal, or know someone in crisis, please reach out for help. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988.

References:

1. Gould, M. S., & Lake, A. M. (2013, February 6). The contagion of suicidal behavior. Contagion of violence: Workshop summary. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207262
2. Holmes, L. (2017, July 18). Netflix shows are sparking conversation about mental health. But is it helping? Huffpost. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/netflix-mental-health_us_5968f080e4b03389bb16f500?utm_content=buffereed8d&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
3. Koebler, J. (2013, May 21). Study: Suicidal thoughts are ‘contagious’ in teens. U.S. News. Retrieved from https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/05/21/study-suicidal-thoughts-are-contagious-in-teens
4. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Youth suicide prevention program. Retrieved from https://yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
5. Stoek, A. V., McCauley, E., Flynn, C., & Stone, A. (2010, December 1). Thoughts of death and suicide in early adolescence. Suicide and life-threatening behavior. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2819538

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Everyone I know goes bonkers when they see a kid under the age of, say, 6. “Oh, what a sweet-faced little angel!” they’ll say. All I see, meanwhile, is a snot-nosed germ factory and life/financial drain whose parents, in the prime of their lives, surrendered their freedom to raise.

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I never say this out loud, of course. But sometimes my dislike of kids inevitably comes out, as when the unwanted questions about my own situation come along: “Any kids?” “Don’t you want to have children?” “When are you having kids?” Nope. I sure don’t. Never! People stare at me like I have three heads when I say I don’t like or want kids.

I’m getting to the age where most of my friends are having kids, and this makes me feel increasingly isolated. I can’t help that I don’t like kids (at least, I don’t think I can?), but I also sometimes find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me for not liking/wanting children. Your thoughts on this would be welcomed. —No Kidding

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear No Kidding,

I really appreciate this question. So many people struggle with this issue. Having children, like any other life decision, is not for everyone. Some people are certain they want to have children, others are certain they don’t want to have children, and still others are unsure. It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.

Society seems to be at something of turning point on this issue. People of previous generations often got married and had children without giving it much thought, but rather because it was just “what you did.” These days, for many people, major life events—including marriage and having children—are not taken for granted, but rather thoughtful decisions based on the kind of lives they’d like to live. Still, there remain plenty of people who see these events as customary, desirable, traditional, or inevitable and therefore have no qualms about asking you when you are going to do them.

It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.

I would imagine if you can do some work to get to a place where you accept this as a valid choice designed to give you the kind of life you are seeking, you may stop questioning what is “wrong” with you. You may feel more comfortable providing people with explanations when they inquire or, even better, you won’t feel a need to justify your choices. If you struggle to get to this place on your own, you might consider partnering with a therapist to help you explore this issue, come to terms with it, and decide how (or if) you want to talk about it with people.

Before closing, I’d like to end on a practical note. You mention feeling isolated as more and more of your friends begin to have children. People generally become friends with one another because of some commonalities or an experience that draws them together. This was probably the case for you and your friends when you met. As your friends move into parenthood, there can still be a place for you in their lives (and vice versa), but it may also be important for you to find some friends who are interested in the freedom a child-free life can provide.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Children who grow up in two-parent families and those who grow up with mothers who choose single parenting fare equally well, according to a study presented at the 33rd annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.

In 1981, Jane Mattes, LCSW, founded the Single Mothers by Choice organization. Mattes developed the organization in part to differentiate older, financially stable single mothers from teen mothers, who typically face a range of sociological and economic challenges. Since 1981, the number of single women who choose to have children has grown. According to data from the 2012 U.S. Census, 30% of American households are headed by single parents. Most of those parents are mothers.

No Difference in Outcomes for Children with Single Mothers by Choice

Some politicians and policy analysts have argued that single motherhood endangers children. This study undermines that claim. It included 69 single mothers by choice and 59 mothers who raised their children in heterosexual two-parent families. The mothers’ children were between 1.5 and 6 years old.

[fat_widget_right]Using three empirically validated questionnaires, the study compared children’s well-being and mothers’ support networks between single and two-parent families. In both types of families, there were no significant differences in emotional investment, parental stress, or problem behaviors in children. Additionally, single mothers reported receiving significantly more social support. They were also more likely to report wanting even more social support.

Previous Research on Single Parenting

According to study author Mathilde Brewaeys, policy analysts often base their single parenting research primarily on children of divorce. These children often face an environment of family conflict, making their lives and potential outcomes much different from those of children raised by women who actively choose solo parenting.

Previous research has reached similar conclusions. A 2016 study of 51 single-mother families and 52 dual-parent families found no substantive differences in child adjustment, parent-child relationships, and similar measures of well-being.

References:

1. Children in single-mother-by-choice families do just as well as those in two-parent families. (2017, July 5). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170705095332.htm
2. Golombok, S., Zadeh, S., Imrie, S., Smith, V., & Freeman, T. (2016). Single mothers by choice: Mother-child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 409-418. doi:10.1037/fam0000188

Parenting is one of the hardest, most stressful, yet rewarding experiences a person can have. We love our little ones with all our hearts, but they often test our limits. Being a parent can bring out the best and worst in each of us. Parenting with anxiety, however, can make the experience more challenging for parents and kids alike.

Let’s set the scene: You are out to dinner and your child starts to throw a massive temper tantrum. You feel the eyes of the other diners and wait staff trained on you, waiting to see what will happen next. At home you could simply ignore the fit, but in public something must be done. The pressure is on to resolve the situation so your child can calm down and the other restaurant patrons can go back to a peaceful dinner. Not an easy feat, right? You feel the tension rise in your mind and body, but you manage to resolve the situation in one way or another.

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Next, consider how you might feel in this situation with an anxiety condition. You might have already been in an anxious state just leaving your house and going into a public space. You could be preoccupied with fears of judgment from others, germs, or a catastrophe taking place. You may sweat when you look in your server’s eyes to order because of social anxiety. You may ritualistically count in your head to manage the rising panic. These are all examples of how different anxiety conditions can affect your frame of mind when you leave the house.

Now let’s add that lovely temper tantrum your toddler is throwing. How well will you be able to problem-solve while in a heightened state? Will you be able to deal with your child calmly or will your anxiety morph into extreme irritability that gets taken out on your child? What is the likelihood it might escalate into a panic attack and you won’t be able to handle it at all?

You can see how anxiety can become so distracting that your ability to effectively parent in a high-stress situation is compromised. Yes, being a parent is hard and can make anyone anxious. But when you are living with an anxiety condition, it can be downright overwhelming. Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger. It takes away our ability to have faith in the future and trust our judgment. The resulting thinking patterns can significantly affect our parenting.

Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger.

If you have a fear of infection from germs, your choices to wash your hands excessively or avoid certain activities may have an impact on your children. If you have social anxiety and avoid leaving the house or meeting new people, your children may follow your example. If you are preoccupied with your children’s behaviors for fear of what they might lead to 10 or 15 years down the line, you may not be able to be present with them to teach them how to behave.

There is so much pressure on parents, especially mothers, to be perfect and to have perfect children. Parents are exposed to more information than ever about how their parenting may affect their children long-term. From screen time to nutrition to discipline, it is easy to find a multitude of articles or studies to suggest you are somehow damaging your children. These sources of information can be helpful, but can also give us a false sense of control over how to avoid anything negative happening to our kids.

So how can people with anxiety conditions parent effectively while maintaining their own mental health? Here are five ways to parent while anxious:

1. SELF-CARE!

Self-care is the first and most important method to improve parenting skills—and it applies to everyone, regardless of whether you have an anxiety condition. Simply put, you can’t give your kids everything when you have nothing to give. Take the time to consider what you need to do for yourself to keep your symptoms under control. There are things everyone needs: exercise, good nutrition, time to recharge. There are also things that are unique to you. Do you love reading? Biking? Kickboxing? Time with friends? Think about what helps you recharge your batteries so the mental and physical energy to care for your kids can be there.

2. Know Your Limits

When you have an anxiety condition, your comfort zone can be smaller and more defined than for most. If you know going out to dinner with the kids is stressful, don’t go unless you can’t avoid it. If you can’t handle watching your kids play in the dirt, have your partner or a family member oversee cleanup. Don’t sign up for every committee at school if your social anxiety makes it feel overwhelming. There are always unavoidable triggers, and it isn’t advisable to avoid everything that tends to make you anxious, as doing so can ultimately increase anxiety. If you know you are going into a stressful situation, try to do it sans kids.

3. Have a Handy List of Coping Skills

When you get a moment, sit down and think about helpful ways to resolve your anxiety in the moment. Deep breathing, visualization, meditation, and 5-minute time-outs are all examples of ways to potentially reduce anxiety. When your anxiety is on the rise, you are not thinking clearly. Having these coping skills written down and available may make it easier to do what is necessary to calm down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

We all have ugly parenting moments for one reason or another. You deserve compassion and forgiveness for yourself in the times your anxiety negatively affects your parenting. Remember, you are doing the best you can do and beating yourself up won’t help you be a better parent.

5. Get Help

Speak with your doctor, family, friends, or anyone else you trust about your anxiety. Making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety is a good step in learning how to feel better and be a more effective parent. You don’t need to suffer alone with your symptoms. There is help for you.