It is a common belief divorce will not be nearly as traumatic for adult children as it often is for young children. That is a myth. Although it may look and feel different, adult children are just as impacted by their parents divorcing as young children are.

When an adult relates that their parents are divorcing, others typically respond by assuming the adult child will not be impacted or the impact will be minimal. However, the sense of loss many adult children experience when their parents divorce can be all-consuming. Adult children of divorce experience not only the loss of their parents being together, but the additional loss of the family unit that has been in place for many years. This is not to minimize the reality young children are often deeply impacted by a sense of loss of the family as a unit. For the adult child, the difference is they have typically experienced many years, even decades, of the family system operating a certain way, and thus may feel that sense of loss at a deeper level.

Adult children don’t always know their parents are struggling in their marriage and can be shell-shocked to find out their parents are divorcing. It is often not as easy to adapt as an adult as it is as a child. Adult children can find themselves questioning their identity when the family unit is no longer functioning as it has been for many years.

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When a young child experiences their parents divorcing, the parents often try to protect the child from the trauma and the charged emotions divorce can be a catalyst for. Conversely, when adult children experience their parents divorcing, adult children can find themselves taking on a more active participant role. One such possible role is a confidant, as their parents confide in them and share information that would not typically be shared with a young child. Adult children of divorce often find themselves questioning the authenticity of the family as they knew it and the family unit they assumed was permanent.

Another difficult issue many adult children of divorce experience is when the family home, a foundation for the family for many years, is sold or lost. Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Some things divorcing parents of adult children should be aware of:

• It won’t hurt any less; it will be challenging in a different way than when a young child experiences their parents divorcing.
• When adult children of divorce find out their parents stayed together for them, they may feel angry, guilty, and perhaps doubt their own marriages and/or lives.
• Adult children of divorce often want to know why their parents are divorcing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they want all the information.
• It can be just as harmful to adult children of divorce to hear one parent say negative things about the other parent as it is for young children.
• Parents of adult children of divorce still need to co-parent, just in a different way.
• Adult children of divorce still need their parents to be their parents as well as grandparents to their own kids.
• Parents of adult children of divorce need to think about how they will manage once they are divorced without burdening their adult children.
• As with young children, adult children of divorce should not be put in the middle of their divorcing parents. Divorcing parents need to have their own resources for emotional support.
• Adult children of divorce generally prefer to be told in person their parents are divorcing as opposed to finding out over the phone, text, email, or through a different party.

It can also be confusing and upsetting for grandchildren to experience their grandparents divorcing. They may become fearful their own parents will also divorce. Family traditions also come into play. How will the adult children and their families participate in holiday and birthday celebrations with divorced parents/grandparents? Will the parents of the adult children be able to attend functions together? Organizing the logistics can be a challenge all the way around.

Therapy for Adult Children of Divorce

There is a small group of therapists who focus on the impact of divorce on adult children in collaboration with attorneys. Therapists who do this are often referred to as divorce coaches. Although divorce coaching is also used with couples who have young children, the needs of adult children of divorce is an area being looked at more closely throughout the helping professions. Mental health professionals at large need to be aware of the needs of adult children of divorce and of the impact their parents’ divorce may have.

If you have experienced (or are experiencing) your parents’ divorce as an adult, support is available.

Reference:

Gordon Julien, J. (2016, April 21). Never Too Old to Hurt from Parents’ Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/24/fashion/weddings/never-too-old-to-hurt-from-parents-divorce.html

Steve and Rebecca have been together for seven years, married for four, and have one toddler. Since the birth of their child, arguments between Steve and Rebecca have escalated to the point Rebecca’s threats of “I can’t do this anymore!” are met with shrugs. But after their last fight, she left to stay at her parents’ house for the weekend. It was a wake-up call for Steve, who wants to try couples therapy to improve communication and repair their partnership. Rebecca is tired of arguing and is still seriously considering a long-term separation.

Does this fictitious (yet all too real) couple sound like you and your partner? Is one of you leaning out of the relationship, unsure whether it is healthy to stay, while the other is leaning into the relationship and ready to make healthy changes? If so, you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon for couples experiencing the intense flames of conflict or the slow smolder of disconnection to view the future from different angles.

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In times of relationship distress, counseling can be a valuable resource. The question is, what kind? In individual therapy, only one side of the story might be heard, making it difficult to identify a way forward that serves not just one partner but the relationship. Yet this situation also can present a real challenge to even the most experienced couples therapist, particularly in cases where one partner isn’t totally on board with the therapy process. Three popular and well-researched couples therapy models—emotion-focused therapy, imago therapy, and the Gottman Method—are each effective primarily with couples who want to actively work on their relationship and are wholly committed to each other.

Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship.

To help address this complex situation facing couples whom he describes as “mixed-agenda,” Dr. William Doherty envisioned a new type of therapy for couples on the brink of divorce: discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship. A trained discernment counselor holds hope for both partners—no matter their positions—while a decision about the future of the relationship is reached, whether that decision is to divorce/break up or make one last effort at repair.

Discernment counseling is designed as a short-term counseling process that is focused on making a mutual decision on one of three paths forward. In other words, each of the paths represents a different form of “treatment,” and the discernment counseling sessions represent the conversations to decide which treatment is best for both partners. Here’s a closer look:

Path One: The Status Quo

Path one is to maintain the relationship as it has been. Many couples who enter discernment counseling rule out path one quickly—the status quo has become unsustainable, thus they are seeking help to make a decision that brings change. Sometimes, however, at the end of discernment counseling no clear commitment to leaving or staying has been reached. In these situations, couples can simply default to taking a break from the process and trying again for a decision at some point in the future.

Path Two: Separation or Divorce

Path two is to move toward ending the relationship. Although some path two decisions are not mutual, in that one partner chooses separation or divorce against the wishes of their partner, the goal of a path two decision would be for both partners to feel clear and confident about a decision to part ways. When couples choose separation or divorce, the discernment counselor makes them aware of additional resources, including individual therapists and divorce professionals who can facilitate a healing and fair separation process.

Path Three: Couples Therapy

Path three is to make a six-month commitment to couples therapy in an all-out effort to restore the relationship to health. Separation or divorce are taken off the table during the couples therapy process, and at the end of six months both partners are invited to make another decision about whether to stay or leave. Couples therapy, in turn, is more likely to succeed because both partners are committed to applying themselves fully to the hard work of change.

In the conversations that lead to a choice for the path forward, here’s what discernment counseling offers couples in distress:

• Deepened clarity and confidence about a decision for the future of the marriage or relationship
• Deepened understanding of what has happened to bring the couple to this point, and an understanding of the role each partner has played in problems to date
• A mutually agreed-upon plan of action, should the couple decide to repair the marriage in couples therapy
• Insights about each partner and the relationship that will carry forward into future relationships, should the couple end this one

If discernment counseling seems like a good fit for you and your partner, seek a trained discernment counselor in your area.

When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. According to the CDC, roughly 50% of American children will witness their parents’ divorce, with the divorce rate in the United States at 2.9 divorces per 1,000 people. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.

It is also important to acknowledge that not all marriages provide a healthy environment for children. High-conflict or unstable relationships, especially those marked by chronic hostility, emotional withdrawal, substance misuse, infidelity, or abuse can negatively affect children’s emotional security and development. In these situations, divorce may represent not only a disruption, but also a transition away from an environment that was already causing harm. Understanding this distinction can help parents approach the process with greater clarity and intention.

Honoring parental responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.

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Red Flags for Children

When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Research has shown that children exposed to divorce may experience disruptions in educational outcomes and social adaptation, with consequences including lower academic achievement, diminished self-confidence, and the emergence of behavioral issues. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing. However, many researchers emphasize that these challenges are often closely tied to the level of conflict, instability, or distress present in the home before and during the divorce process, rather than the legal separation itself.

In fact, children who grow up in high-conflict households may show improvements in well-being once conflict is reduced, even if that reduction comes through separation or divorce. This highlights that the quality of the family environment, both before and after divorce, plays a critical role in how children adjust.

Compared to children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents have more behavioral and emotional problems, obtain lower academic test scores, and have more problems with social relationships. However, research studies consistently indicate that divorce has few lasting effects on children’s mental health or performance in school for many children, particularly when parental conflict is low and supportive relationships are maintained. What is most notable about children of divorce is their resilience, their successful coping despite life’s difficulties.

So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.

When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance. Structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children’s psychological problems.

Consistency Is Key

It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.

Just as important as consistency is the reduction of conflict. Ongoing tension, hostility, or communication breakdowns between parents, whether married or divorced, can be more distressing for children than the structural changes that come with separation. Minimizing children’s exposure to conflict should remain a central priority.

Research shows that high levels of consistent and effective discipline may promote adaptive coping processes by enhancing children’s sense of the predictability of their environments. The consistent occurrence of expected consequences for misbehaviors may promote a sense of control, which could lead to higher levels of active coping and coping efficacy and lower levels of avoidant coping.

Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.

Consistency in schedules and rules makes life less stressful for everyone. Once parents agree on a plan for spending time with their children, they do well to stick to it religiously. Children want to know where they are going to be at what times, and while a change or delay may seem small to a parent, it can be a big deal to a child.

Taking on New Parenting Roles

New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Research shows that Disneyland parenting often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce, where indulging a child may function as a kind of misguided apology. This reinforces the idea for the child that the divorce was a terrible thing that happened to them, rather than building their resilience by teaching them that we all live through difficult things and have the ability to move on. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.

Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. This practice of overcompensating is a natural reaction for parents to feel the need to make up for time missed with their child, but it needs to be identified and corrected because the long-term effects can be destructive to the relationship with their kids or their relationship with their other parent. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison.

Parent-child relationships characterized by warmth, supportiveness, effective problem-solving skills, positive communication, and low levels of conflict and negativity are consistently associated with fewer negative outcomes related to mental health and with more positive outcomes related to social adaptation following a separation or divorce. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.

Children need love, but they also need discipline. Each household needs a few clear and reasonable rules about such things as bedtimes, responsibilities, and appropriate behavior, and parents should expect these rules to be followed. No means no, and parents make a big mistake if they let their guilt turn no into “maybe not.” A positive focus is the best way to discipline, with praising children for doing things right working much better than criticizing children for doing things wrong.

Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected—and it often follows a period of significant strain within the family system. While the process brings its own challenges, it can also create space for reduced conflict and healthier patterns of interaction. If parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator. Mediation potentially benefits children by lowering conflict, improving parenting, and encouraging both parents to remain an active presence in their children’s lives, with one randomized trial demonstrating these positive outcomes.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

References:

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Marriage and divorce. National Center for Health Statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
2. Compas, B. E., Jaser, S. S., Bettis, A. H., Watson, K. H., Gruhn, M. A., Dunbar, J. P., Williams, E., & Thigpen, J. C. (2017). Coping, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analysis and narrative review. Psychological Bulletin, 143(9), 939-991.
3. Emery, R. E. (2012). Renegotiating family relationships: Divorce, child custody, and mediation (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
4. Fabricius, W. V., & Luecken, L. J. (2007). Postdivorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 195-205.
5. Kliewer, W., Fearnow, M. D., & Miller, P. A. (1996). Coping socialization in middle childhood: Tests of maternal and paternal influences. Child Development, 67(5), 2339-2357.
6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Children and mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health
7. Pedro-Carroll, J. L., & Cowen, E. L. (1985). The Children of Divorce Intervention Program: An investigation of the efficacy of a school-based prevention program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 53(5), 603-611.
8. Sandler, I., Ayers, T. S., Wolchik, S., Tein, J. Y., Kwok, O. M., Haine, R. A., Twohey-Jacobs, J., Suter, J., Lin, K., Padgett-Jones, S., Weyer, J. L., Cole, E., Kriege, G., & Griffin, W. A. (2003). The family bereavement program: Efficacy evaluation of a theory-based prevention program for parentally bereaved children and adolescents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(3), 587-600.
9. Vandersluys, M. (2022). Understanding children’s adjustment to divorce: The importance of family processes. Canadian Psychology, 63(2), 142-155.
10. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., Plummer, B. A., Greene, S. M., Anderson, E. R., Dawson-McClure, S. R., Hipke, K., & Haine, R. A. (2002). Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 288(15), 1874-1881.

I have a memory of walking down the street with my mother, around the age of five, thinking about a conversation I’d had with some other children in the schoolyard a few days earlier. One of them had asked, “Who do you like more, your mom or your dad?” I had found the question strange at the time, and now, several days later, I still could not figure out an answer.

To me, you see, my parents seemed like one person. Logically, I knew they were two different people, but in some sort of child-minded way, I saw them as a monolith, a united being. On that outing with my mother, it finally hit me: it simply was not possible for me to separate these two people well enough in my mind to choose. So I dropped the question for good.

That was in the ’50s, and I was lucky in that I was able to drop the question and never had to make that choice—or have someone make it for me.

Today, we live in a new era of divorce and remarriage, and many children don’t get to choose which parent to live with. Even when they do choose, they may find their parents’ attention to be divided and not necessarily focused on them. Parents may still smart from the sting of rejection divorce inevitably is; they may keep rehashing difficult moments and wondering if they could still rewrite the script; their minds may be preoccupied with making ends meet or other concerns. [fat_widget_right]

Many parents are focused so intently on court cases for custody that, ironically, they spend more time and thought on the case than on the child. Even when they are not facing a court battle, if parents are hostile to each other when attempting to co-parent, children may perceive that as some fault of theirs. But at some point, the dust settles and the child finally begins to become accustomed to a different life with Mom or Dad or some combination. A new state of normal prevails.

For many parents, however, the single life is not their ideal. They begin dating again, and a child may be left wondering, “Am I not enough?”

It can be difficult for parents to navigate dating, much less a new marriage, while still trying to ease the aftereffects of divorce on their children. Here are some tips to help you create the best set of circumstances for your children when you begin dating after a divorce or breakup.

1. Let children know, frequently, how important they are and how much you love them. 

I remember meeting with a teenager who was not part of a blended family. The parents worked hard, were highly organized, and dispatched instructions and discipline to her as a matter of course. She told me in private therapy that she was convinced her mother didn’t like her. With her permission, I shared this with her mother, who, of course, was shocked.

Research shows when a parent takes the time to listen to a child’s difficulties (in general, but especially after divorce), the child feels supported and is more able to view the divorce as something that was necessary rather than as a huge obstacle in life.

We tend to assume our children “know” we love them, but, really, how are they supposed to know that if we don’t tell them? My children are adults, married with children, and I still tell them. Not only will telling your child how much you love them help reassure the child through difficult times, it will direct your attention to your warm feelings towards your child—another great benefit of making this a common practice. Too often, we think of our softer emotions as a distraction from the business we need to take care of. In fact, being more mindful of feelings of warmth and love may provide stress relief and serve as a welcome break from crossing off items on a long to-do list. Connecting with our loved ones is one of the joys of life, after all.

2. Don’t “compensate” for this rough time by spoiling your child.

Parents might attempt to make up for difficult life changes by offering their child fancy toys, taking them on expensive outings, letting them skip school or stay up late, and overlooking rudeness or sibling aggression. This is the wrong approach, though, as it is still likely to send the message that the parent does not care.

Children know, in a way that is beyond words, that they are cherished when a parent sticks to the rules and dispenses discipline along with love. Though many children might find it fun for a while when schedules and routines blow away with the wind, ultimately this leads to feelings of neglect. The best way to create stability, show love, and help your child de-stress is to keep up routines, to the best of your ability.

3. Become a “kindly neighbor” to your stepchildren.

A blended family is often the inevitable result of a dating relationship after divorce. If your partner has children from a previous relationship, you may find that they resent you at first. This is normal and natural: You have taken some of their parent’s attention away from them. Even teenagers may be not be mature enough to understand you can potentially become their advocate and mentor.

Children may show you how angry they are by not greeting you, ignoring your requests, or even not talking to you for a while. It’s best not to take this behavior personally, because it most likely will improve with time. You might feel the urge to sit down with them and discuss your concerns, but in many cases, this may not be all that helpful. Children are often not aware of all the reasons behind their behavior, and it can be difficult for them to articulate even those reasons they are aware of.

I find the best way to handle the situation is to take a position of friendliness. Remain pleasant, kind, and above all, show them you care about their plight. If, after a month or so, the mood in the house does not improve, speak to your partner about your stepchild’s behavior. The next step may be family therapy.

4. Discipline does not mean anger.

As a parent, your job is to provide your child with love, stable routines, and discipline. You do not need to show them anger. Just as spoiling your child may send a message that you do not care, the other extreme is equally nonconstructive.

If your child never used to be rude and now is, then the change in behavior likely signifies difficulties with the new changes being faced. Anger and disapproval are unlikely to resolve the issue. What is more likely to lead to improvement is a listening ear and the setting of gentle, understandable limits.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

Rules can be stated and invoked in a gentle tone of voice and discussed in a conversational manner. Conversations that begin with parents displaying a willingness to listen are typically the most effective. Possible ways to begin a conversation might be: “What about our new situation are you having trouble with?” or “How can we work together to make this situation better for all of us?”

If you find yourself losing your temper, take several slow, deep breaths. Doing so will help slow down your autonomic nervous system, reduce the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, and give you a moment to figure out the best course of action so you can avoid acting impulsively.

5. Don’t favor your child; don’t favor your stepchild.

Disagreements between stepsiblings are inevitable. When they occur, you may feel protective toward your own child, or you might feel like you want to “win over” your partner’s child. But either position is likely to lead to even more hostilities in the future.

Consider taking the first step in handling these before you move in together, marry, or otherwise make the relationship a more permanent one. Make time to sit down with your partner and discuss your own personal styles of discipline, your value system, and your expectations. It may seem as if these things are obvious, but you might be surprised at the discoveries you make. Parenting norms vary widely, and it’s best not to make assumptions before having this conversation with your partner.

There should also be agreement on what the household rules should be and an understanding that it may not be the best idea for stepparents to begin parenting stepchildren immediately.

If you find yourself refereeing a dispute between stepsiblings, the best course of action may to simply be a good listener. Ask all involved for their side, and listen carefully. Avoid showing favoritism and giving one-size-fits-all punishments.

6. The key is patience.

If you have ever broken a bone or experienced another type of serious physical injury, you may recall how long it took to heal from it. It certainly didn’t take place overnight. It may have even taken months. Emotional injuries—and the disruption of a family, no matter the circumstances, is still experienced as an injury—also take time to heal. In order to heal, your child will likely need to do a lot of thinking and sorting everything out, so be patient. It could be several months, a year, or even a few years before children are finally comfortable in their new surroundings.

7. Consider therapy for emotional difficulties.

When a child is excessively rude or hostile; refuses to go to school; or displays symptoms of depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive behavior, therapy may be indicated. Seeking therapy does not mean you have failed as a parent or partner. On the contrary, by finding support in a time of difficult and confusing changes, you are doing something right—for you, your child, and your entire family.

A primary benefit of bringing in a therapist is that a person who doesn’t know you and your blended family can look objectively at the entire situation—and is trained to do so. That person may have an observation to share with you that will be enormously helpful. Sometimes all family members need is to be reassured they are doing things right, that there is nothing “wrong” with them. Some symptoms may even lift when people get this professional reassurance.

Another benefit is expertise. Be sure to visit a family therapist, one who specializes in the dynamics of divorce and remarriage. Therapists with this training are generally in the best position to help blended families work through any and all complications they might face.

8. There is potential for strong friendships in blended families.

I have heard any number of stories about successful blended families, where the parents created for the children—sometimes for the first time—warm and stable homes filled with good, loving people. Frequently, the stepsiblings become good friends.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

These tips are a beginning. If you have other concerns, I encourage you to seek support from a qualified marriage and family therapist.

References: 

1. Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. M., Greenbaum, C. W. (2009). Divorce is a part of my life…Resilience, survival, and vulnerability: Young adults’ perception of the implications of parental divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 35(1), 30-46. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00094.x
2. Visser, C. F. (2013). The origin of the solution-focused approach. International Journal of Solution-Focused Practices, 1(1), 10-17. doi: 10.14335/ijsfp.v1i1.10
3. Whiteside, M. F. (1982). Remarriage: A family developmental process. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 8(2), 59-68. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.1982.tb01442.x

When a couple with children separate or divorce, finding a way to co-parent successfully can be challenging. Even if the separation is the best course of action for a couple whose marriage has turned toxic, deeply unfulfilling, or hopelessly stagnant, powerful emotions inevitably accompany the end of a marriage. Although there may be relief and a sense of hope for new beginnings, it’s more typical to feel anger, grief, hurt, confusion, numbness, or temporary despair. The end of a marriage can be a death of sorts, even if it’s the death of a fantasy: of your partner’s unconditional love, of your ability to fix anything, of perfect security or absolute trust.

In the midst of disentangling shared lives, roles, routines, finances, and responsibilities, strong negative emotions can make it hard for one or both members of a couple to do what is best for their children, particularly during a tumultuous, uncertain time. This includes working together to create a new normal, containing criticisms and complaints about the other parent, and focusing on the children’s vulnerability and need to feel loved and safe.

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Continuity in parenting and structured routines is important when parents separate. If continuity is difficult, try to find ways to help the children understand and make sense of the lack of continuity. For better or worse, moving from sharing roles and responsibilities in a two-parent household to being co-parents in different households requires a degree of maturity and selflessness that can seem out of reach when hurt and resentment run deepest, as is often the case in the wake of a split. It’s precisely at this juncture, when partners may be feeling emotionally out-of-control, lonely, and a bit like orphaned children themselves, that a new type of alliance between them can act as a protective factor for children. In The Co-Parents Handbook, Bonnel and Little suggest what some might consider a highly advanced mindfulness practice for exes: moving from “spouse mind” to “parent mind” (2014). Noticing which of these two minds is active at any given moment and consciously choosing to relate to your ex as a co-parent rather than as a spouse can make a huge difference in how you approach parenting issues.

Changing the dynamic with your spouse from marital antagonists to task-focused collaborators takes time and will be a work in progress after any separation. Sometimes, it only happens in fits and starts. Often, finding shared parenting ground with your ex will require deep breathing during communication, trial and error, self-compassion, forgiveness, and determination as you move through multiple adjustments, compromises, disappointments, and triggering events.

“Research shows that parents who can put aside their differences for the sake of the children, learn to get along, and co-parent effectively make the transition to a new family structure less stressful and traumatic. This model increases the likelihood of children maintaining a positive relationship with both parents, which greatly minimizes the negative effects of divorce on children,” says Francine Ronis, a parenting educator and therapist in McLean, Virginia (personal communication, 2017). Despite the challenges you and your ex will face in this process, it’s important to set your joint sights on a higher set of priorities that transcends grievances in the interests of a greater good: your children’s ongoing physical and mental health.

Dissimilar rule structures, inconsistent discipline or consequences for unwanted behaviors, and widely divergent parenting styles may have a more lasting adverse impact on children from the toddler years into the preteen years, when a young person’s sense of self is particularly malleable (Karen, 1998). During these formative years, lifelong foundational templates for behaviors in relationships and in the world are being laid, and these templates—sometimes referred to as schemas—impact a person’s sense of self, agency, emotional resilience, and competence (Cloitre, 2004).

Imagine the challenges faced by the children in this divided family, a composite of cases drawn from people I’ve worked with in the therapy room over the years (names have been changed to protect confidentiality):

The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children.

Leah and Dave divorced after Dave discovered Leah’s affair with a coworker. They communicate infrequently, usually via text, though sometimes they send each other articles supporting their distinct parenting approaches to prove a point. They live in nearby apartments and share custody of their 4-year-old daughter Rose and their 6-year-old son Matthew, alternating care every two weeks. When the children are with their father, he holds them to a structured play, meal, and bedtime routine, though he rarely bathes them and is lax with hygiene habits such as brushing teeth. He expects Leah to take care of their dental and medical visits and vaccinations, though he has never discussed this explicitly with her. He allows the kids sugary snacks and processed meals but restricts their exposure to iPads, iPhones, and television. He has an authoritarian parenting style, uses time-outs, and when he’s at his wit’s end, he yells.

Leah, on the other hand, plays things by ear when the children are in her care. She allows them to sleep in her bedroom rather than requiring them to remain in their own bed at night, unless her boyfriend is visiting. When Rose has tantrums or when Matthew begins begging for video games or new toys, she finds it less time-consuming and stressful to acquiesce than to set boundaries or enforce consequences on continued whining or begging. On nights her boyfriend stays over, she rewards the children with video games for staying in their beds. Although she’s a wonderful chef and cooks healthy meals, the children often reject her food. She handles this by lecturing them on potential future health crises, or sometimes she simply breaks down and starts to cry. Although she takes the children to their medical appointments, she resents Dave for delivering the children to her on different occasions with lice, viruses, rashes, cavities, and ear infections, and expecting her to handle it.

Whatever your position on how Leah and Dave are parenting Rose and Matthew, the inconsistencies in how they handle routines, discipline, health issues, mealtimes, bedtime, sweets, and technology is likely to create serious problems in their co-parenting relationship. It may also set the stage for difficult-to-manage behavioral issues in their children. If Dave gets them on a successful sleep schedule, that schedule will be disrupted every time they visit Leah and are allowed to sleep in her bed, and he will have to reinvent the wheel every time the kids return to him. If Leah tries to educate the children on healthy food and provide them with nourishing meals, her efforts will be undermined when they go to their dad’s house and revert to Captain Crunch breakfasts and pizza dinners. With both parents making assumptions and judging the other parent’s way of handling things, self-righteousness may polarize them beyond their true values and intentions, making it harder to blend approaches and unify around a shared, effective way of handling repetitive challenges and issues.

10 Ways to Co-Parent More Effectively

Here are 10 practical ideas to try out if you’re serious about setting the stage for a more productive co-parenting relationship (these suggestions presuppose that neither parent is a danger to themselves or others):

1. Understand your unconscious parenting style and how it may be a reaction to or a repetition of the way your own parents parented you. Are you authoritarian, authoritative, or permissive? It’s important to find ways to make your co-parenting style a conscious choice, one that serves your children’s developmental needs rather than your own fears (Tsabary. 2016).
2. Take a co-parenting class. Many community centers and law firms offer co-parenting classes, sometimes for free.
3. Read a co-parenting book. There are many great books out there with helpful insights and tools. If you’re not a big reader, marriage and family therapist Polly Ely has created a range of hand-held scripts (available at www.thelabmethod.com) which you can keep in a kitchen drawer, purse, or backpack and read for on-the-spot guidance navigating challenging exchanges with your kids (2016).
4. Listen to parenting audios. There are many parenting and co-parenting audio programs available for download at nominal fees on the internet or for rental at public libraries. Child psychologist Dr. Renee Hackney, for example, has an audio library on her website providing research-supported psychoeducation on a wide range of parenting topics (2017).
5. Communicate regularly with your ex, even if it’s through texts or email, to coordinate schedules and keep each other informed of school events, lessons, medical issues, or other relevant information. The AzAFCC has a helpful Co-Parenting Communication Guide with specific suggestions for communication tailored to the exact medium you are using (2011).
6. Notice what your ex is getting right. Express gratitude and appreciation through texts, email, or in person. For example: “I’m so grateful for the notes you write to me and put in our daughter’s backpack keeping me posted on the stuff you think I should know about your time together.” Apologize when you do or say something you regret.
7. Talk to your ex about the pros and cons of your routines, find common ground, and agree to keep certain parts of the children’s routines consistent between households. Co-create a co-parenting agreement, something that helps unite you in your intentions, vision, parental rights, obligations, and mutual goals (Family by Design, 2012.) You can also co-create a co-parenting mission statement, post it on the refrigerator, or make it a daily reminder as a screensaver. For example: “Our mission as co-parents is to work together, to respect and support our separate relationships with our kids, and to help our children develop into kind, confident, resourceful, happy human beings.”
8. Find ways to support each other that will allow for greater consistency while permitting flexibility. Examples: providing a few frozen home-made meals at drop-off for the parent who hates to cook, or keeping the children on the other parent’s sleep schedule even if that requires extra effort.
9. Discuss the rules that vary between households with your children, and explain why you and your ex have different views about these rules. Express your belief that your child has the ability to respect both sets of rules, just as they might whisper when they’re in a library and laugh loudly when they’re at a playground. Give your children space and time to share their feelings about the inconsistencies.
10. When a serious difference or grievance arises, figure out a way to work through it respectfully. Learn to contain and compartmentalize your negative emotions in your children’s presence. Avoid making negative statements, judgments, or even indulging in subtle innuendoes about your ex’s wrongness, badness, or inferiority. If possible, minimize the amount of time you spend spinning your mental wheels judging, blaming, criticizing, and complaining about your ex, whether to yourself or others. Although it’s appropriate and necessary to feel and work through your anger and grief, it’s inappropriate and harmful to overexpose your children to these processes or to remain stuck in a victim role.

Drop deeper into the underlying vulnerability your anger is protecting you from. Take responsibility for some part of why your marriage didn’t work, and rise to the challenge of making your relationship as co-parents a successful one. This will empower you to accept your situation, grow, and move on. If you need a mediator or a therapist to help you do this, get one. Agree to ground rules for respectful communication and stick to them. It’s important to minimize aggression/aggressive language or behavior toward your ex at pick-ups or drop-offs or at events where you’re together, such as birthdays, holidays, or graduations.

Keep in mind your child’s father or mother is one of a kind to your daughter or son, even if stepparents enter the picture. Try to see your ex through your child’s eyes. Children internalize their relationships with their parents as reflections of their own identity. The more you can spare your child any “messenger” type of role and work directly with your ex to co-create rules, routines, and effective strategies for supporting your children and discouraging acting-out behaviors, the more ease and cooperation you’ll evoke in your children. In addition, when you can help your children maintain a realistic and positive connection with your ex, you’re helping them to cope with your separation or divorce, feel safer and more loved, and develop a healthier sense of self.

References:

1. Arizona Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. (2011). Co-Parenting Communication Guide. Retrieved from http://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AzAFCC%20Coparenting%20Communication%20Guide.pdf
2. Bonnel, K., & Little, K. (2014). The Co-Parents Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family from Little Ones to Young Adults. Bellevue, WA: CMC Publishers.
3. Cloitre, M., Cherry, S., Levitt, J., & Martin, A. (2004). A Two-Phase Treatment for Adults with PTSD Related to Experiences of Mass Violence, The Manual.
4. Ely, P. (2016). The Lab Method. Retrieved from https://www.thelabmethod.com/
5. Family by Design Ventures. (2012). Family by Design, the Community for Parenting Partnerships. Retrieved from http://familybydesign.com/content/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/FBD-Co-Parenting-Agreement.pdf
6. Hackney, R. (2017). Parenting Playgroups. Retrieved from http://parentingplaygroups.com/MemberResources/index.php/welcome/
7. Karen, R. (1998). Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
8. Tsabary, S. (2016). The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. New York, NY: Viking.

I recently worked with someone who had his heart crushed by an individual who led him on for months, asked for his help with various tasks, accepted an invitation to go on an official date, and then ultimately, on the “date,” said she doesn’t date.

Knowing the timeline and details, I had been confident this relationship was headed in a positive direction and wound up feeling disappointed at how it had crumbled to pieces, leaving us both stunned and confused. This happened to somebody who has done so much work in terms of gaining self-confidence and developing interpersonal relationship skills. Having an important relationship dissolve in an instant was devastating.

We processed the experience and the many questions that arose in our next session: Where did he go wrong? Why did she agree to the date in the first place? Did she not date in general or did she just not want to date him? Did her rejection not confirm his feelings of unworthiness?

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As much as we could speculate, analyze the chain of text messages, and try to make sense of what transpired in the relationship, the frustrating truth was there was no logical justification for what happened or why this person treated him the way she did. At least not one he was ever going to be privy to.

He reached out for some clarification, but her responses were arrogant, passive-aggressive, defensive, and left no explanation for how he could have possibly misread her signals. Further, they changed his view of who she was and left it nearly impossible to continue their friendship. He grieved the loss, missing the person he thought she was.

We spent a good amount of time discussing what he should do next. He wanted answers that made sense, but instead he was being ignored. A part of him wanted to contact her, lashing out with his anger, to let her know exactly what he now thought of her. A part of me wanted to support him in doing that. I was appalled by her callousness. I was angry for him.

He wanted closure. At the same time, we both knew it likely wouldn’t accomplish anything. She wouldn’t change, her responses wouldn’t become any more enlightening or helpful, and there was probably no realistic scenario that would lessen his hurt.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, or you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on.

When this kind of thing happens—when a relationship ends in hurt and anger, when we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us, or when life doesn’t go the way we were hoping—we want an immediate sense of closure or justification. The desire for closure might be the temporary satisfaction of telling off the person who hurt us, gaining an apology, having the person change their mind, or getting some type of definitive ending that seems clean and makes sense to us.

But the reality is these things generally don’t make us feel better in the long run. Typically, they simply never happen. So the search for closure is often futile and results in wasted energy, more frustration, and a delayed ability to begin healing and moving on.

It takes a lot of strength to be the “bigger person,” to walk away with your head held high, and to resist the urge to give someone who has hurt you a piece of your mind.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, that you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on. While highly uncomfortable, the sooner you acknowledge and accept the disappointment and hurt, the sooner you can begin to move forward. It may involve coming to terms with the fact sometimes things aren’t logical or fair.

Having the strength to walk away from a negative experience with a sense of grace and your dignity intact will likely help you to feel good about yourself in the long run. With time and some distance, you may discover the experience taught you a valuable lesson or helped you grow in a way only the most challenging of experiences could.

If infidelity has happened to you (emotional, physical, or both), you don’t have to go running to an attorney right away. Of course, separation or divorce is always an option, both now and in the future.

If you are like many people who have been betrayed, you may be in a state of shock and disbelief and feel as if your entire world has been turned upside down. Perhaps you have always told yourself you would never stay with someone who had an affair, that you don’t deserve to be treated this way and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Perhaps you have always believed you would end your marriage in a heartbeat, simply out of self-respect.

And now the topic seems to be everywhere—on television, on the radio, or just among others who talk about “kicking a cheater to the curb.” If you have disclosed the infidelity to friends or family, it is not uncommon for well-meaning loved ones to advise leaving right away, or perhaps to offer a spare bedroom or the name of an excellent lawyer.

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But you also don’t instantly stop loving this person, and the word “cheater” does not encompass the complexity or entirety of who your partner is.

As a couples therapist, I am often asked for my advice in these situations about whether to leave. My answer is always the same: “This is a highly personal decision that is not mine to make.” That said, I do recommend that people give themselves permission to slow down and gather information in order to make a grounded and thoughtful decision.

We know from Dr. John Gottman’s research that someone who has been betrayed by their primary romantic partner very often experiences symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress (PTSD). We also know it is unwise to make major life decisions when in the midst of a crisis and not thinking clearly. Among other things, these PTSD symptoms may include intrusive thoughts of text or email exchanges, disturbing visual images of sexual acts, mood swings, irritability, and an inability to experience positive emotions.

These symptoms can make it nearly impossible to continue to function. Betrayed partners often find themselves doubting what is real and what is not, especially when there has been denial and defensiveness from the person who did the betraying. There can be a loss of trust in their partner, and even in their own perceptions, feeling as if they have failed in their ability to judge the character of their spouse.

As with any trauma, safety and self-care need to be the priorities. Step one is to normalize your full range of emotions and pain. It is normal to want to leave, and it is normal to feel a whole range of reactions including anger, anxiety, depression, suspiciousness, and general overwhelm. It is also normal to want to stay to work things out.

Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.

It is important to recognize you are not alone. Although 90% of Americans say adultery is morally wrong, many families have secrets behind closed doors. One study found that approximately 23% of men and 19% of women in heterosexual marriages have had sexual affairs. These statistics are consistent with many other studies, although it is difficult to gather data about affairs because of the inherent secrecy and stigma of the issue. It may be more prevalent than studies show.

As unbearable as this pain is, and as difficult as it may be to see a way to get past it, a common mistake is a belief you have to “get out quick.” It is rarely this simple. You might still be in love, have children, or be living a life together that is integrally intertwined. Whatever your situation, there is often a confusing mix of strong emotions and feelings of ambivalence.

As you are weighing your options, you might only be looking at two extremes: (1) separation or (2) trying to forgive and move on. We have learned from relationship researchers that these extreme options are too difficult for most people in the immediate aftermath of such a traumatic event.

A third option is to make the decision together with your partner. A couples therapist or other professional trained in affair recovery can help the two of you process what happened, provide education, and give you a safe space to explore your options. You don’t have to know what you want before asking for help. Much of what we do is to guide couples in the decision-making process. You might benefit from learning what the journey would look like and hearing more about where your partner is emotionally. Your feelings might change as a result.

Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.

There are, of course, other times couples decide to peacefully dissolve their union. This can be done respectfully and thoughtfully, especially if they wait until after the initial shock of the trauma. Energy can be placed into co-parenting—if there are children—or amicably separating property, thus reducing the risk of harm for all parties.

Ultimately, this decision lies with you and your partner. If you take your time to find clarity and make an informed and grounded decision, you may be more likely to feel the sense of peace you desperately seek.

References:

1. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). Healing a Relationship from an Affair-Research Training Manual. The Gottman Institute.
2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
3. Mark, K.P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R.R. (2011, October). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234

At an age when human development can be awkward and challenging, a large number of children are additionally burdened with their parents’ divorce and resulting implications. Parental strife, parent-child conflict, familial and residential changes, financial problems—these factors and more can create the perfect storm of adolescent angst. As divorce affects every person differently, it also affects developmental age ranges differently. Even as they transition toward independence, adolescents continue to be caught in the upheaval and end of their families as they knew them.

Although the groundbreaking 25-year study by Wallerstein and Lewis (2004) is now 12 years old, its findings are still relevant today. Divorced children of all ages eventually reach a conclusion that terrifies them: personal relationships are unreliable, and even the closest family relationships cannot be expected to hold firm. This realization creates a shaky foundation that adolescents then use as a touchstone and reference when making their way in the world.

As further noted by Wallerstein and Lewis, two-thirds of the children they studied experienced multiple marriages and divorces, plus the unrecorded broken love affairs and temporary cohabitations of one or both parents. Fewer than 10% of the children had parents who established stable, lasting second marriages in which the children felt fully welcome and included. The frequent discrepancy in the post-divorce adjustment of their parents was also a source of deep distress to the children well into adulthood.

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It makes sense, then, that the turbulence and resultant pain associated with divorce creates a barrier for adolescent children of divorce to feel stable and hopeful. When adolescents see their parents divorce, there may be either a sense of “it won’t happen to me (when I’m an adult)” or “all relationships end up broken, so I won’t even try.” Which is why, as noted in the study, divorce is not an acute stress from which the child recovers, but a “life-transforming experience” (Wallerstein and Lewis, 2004).

Often, a dramatic change in family structure accompanies divorce. Logistically, one parent must leave the family home. This parental absence creates an absence in the child’s life that is irreversible. Although adolescents are moving toward independence, the parental role is far from minimized at this age. Adolescents accustomed to two parents typically come to rely on them as moral guides, support systems, and physical presences in their lives. As written by Marquardt (2005), almost two-thirds of divorced children felt they lived in two families and inherited two worlds in which to grow up. This sense of division can be challenging if there are two sets of rules and standards to balance. It is almost as if children become travelers into the newly adopted lives of their parents, but without a road map to navigate the pathways.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Divorce also may bring about an enormous reallocation of money. Some researchers have suggested that the economic hardship custodial parents face following divorce is the critical factor in predicting children’s post-divorce adjustment. Dramatic losses in income may contribute to additional life stresses such as moving to a smaller residence in neighborhoods with increased crime, lower quality schools, and loss of familiar and developed community supports. Lower income also forces many custodial parents to work additional hours to cover basic necessities and bills. Financial strain, by the way, is one of the strongest predictors of depression in single parents.

Another significant aspect of divorce includes child support. Even though parents have been supporting their children financially since birth, the divorce and resultant child support payments create the illusion children are now a mandated financial obligation, like a loan or a bill, which may become a contentious battle if payments are withheld or missed.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Overall, according to Wallerstein (2004), adolescents from divorced homes acted out more than adolescents from intact homes. Twenty percent of girls in the Wallerstein study had their first sexual experience before age 14, and over half were sexually active with multiple partners during high school. As noted, it isn’t the sex itself that was relevant; it was the attention received. Divorce creates a void, and adolescents test themselves and their parents with their choices to fill it.

While divorce is often inevitable, its implications are far-reaching to all involved. Adolescents are particularly affected given they simultaneously want independence while needing nurturing and guidance. If parents are divided and conflicted, adolescent angst may be intensified, potentially causing lifelong issues.

References:

1. Marquartdt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
2. Wallerstein, J., & Lewis, J. (2004). The unexpected legacy of divorce: Report of a 25-year study. Psychoanalytic Psychology, Vol. 21 (3).

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

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2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

Any divorcing parent knows that one of the hardest parts of a marital ending is feeling forced to stay connected to someone you don’t particularly want to see or spend time with. Not all co-parenting situations are toxic—in fact, many couples find parenting is easier after they have separated—but the adjustment to parenting separately can be tricky for anyone.

Children can be one of the biggest stressors on a marriage, and even when that marriage ends, the co-parenting relationship maintains its own level of stress. Once your custody has been set, you may be faced with all sorts of issues and circumstances that challenge you to reflect on your parenting strategies. Among your considerations: how best to cope with your ex as you figure out what this new relationship means and how it’s supposed to go.

Productive co-parenting isn’t about following any particular formula. Each couple has their own unique dynamic, story, and situation that needs to be worked out in a way that serves the context of that family. However, there are techniques, strategies, and practices that can improve both the co-parenting dynamic and each partner’s experience of that relationship.

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In my work with divorce, my focus is almost always on what each individual can work on within themselves. I encourage couples and individuals to refrain from trying to change or control their partners, and to focus on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors instead. Based on that philosophy, here are five strategies you can use to improve your co-parenting relationship that are completely within your control.

1. Use Empathy and Your Child’s Perspective

Having compassion for an ex can be hard when there has been betrayal, hurt, or rejection, but this is an essential component to co-parenting well. Seeing the situation through your child’s eyes will help you drop down into your heart, and it may give you a different perspective as you deal with your ex. Children simply want to feel loved, safe, and to spend time with their parents, so if you can make your main intention to help them in these respects, you’ll be co-parenting from a compassionate place. As you co-parent, remember it’s more about your child than you, and stepping into that place of empathy will be a good reminder. No matter how much you struggle with your ex, your children are always the priority.

2. Set Clear Boundaries and Maintain Structure

From the minute your marriage ended, your marital relationship shifted into something different, but you may still be engaging in old dynamics. Many of the ways you interacted with your ex in marriage are no longer appropriate or necessary, and a lack of good boundaries may make it even harder to transition into a new way of relating. Becoming clear about what works for you as you move forward untangling the relationship may help you set healthy boundaries. This includes how your children are picked up, whether your ex has a key to the house, and what kind of contact there is when you have the kids. Your boundaries may be violated, but it’s still important to communicate them.

3. Relinquish Control and Accept What’s Happening

There may be things you don’t approve of when it comes to your ex’s parenting style, or how they spend time with the kids. You may also feel differently about introducing a new partner or dating when it comes to parenting time. The reality is that more often than not you have no say over how your ex decides to live. Unless the situation is dangerous or neglectful, you need to learn to accept and let go of your need to control what happens in your absence. Instead of trying to control or change what’s happening, learn to let go, accept, and work with it as best you can. This is one of the hardest consequences of co-parenting, but also the one thing that can really reduce unnecessary stress.

4. Maintain Your Values and Live from Integrity

No matter how frustrated or annoyed you feel about co-parenting with your ex, maintaining your integrity and sticking to your values is essential. It’s easy to get pulled into ugly dynamics or engage in bad behavior when your buttons are pushed, but keeping your cool and staying true to yourself will feel better than reacting. It can help to make a list of the traits and qualities you want to uphold as you co-parent. These might include patience, kindness, respect, and/or grace. These are hard to stick to when you are dealing with someone who doesn’t have the same agenda, but rising above and taking the high road will be better for you and your kids.

5. Enjoy Your Time Off

Many parents spend the whole time they don’t have their children worrying and waiting for them to come back. It’s hard to not see your children half the time, but this alone time can be considered a silver lining. The more you take care of yourself by using that time to reboot and replenish, the better you’ll be for your children when you have them. Try practicing self-care, spending time with friends, exercising, or just having quiet time. All of these forms of self-support may lead to a greater sense of happiness, and you’ll have more space for caregiving and for dealing with your ex.

Learning to co-parent well is a growth-promoting process. You gain skills in negotiating, compromising, as well as stretching your internal capacities for compassion, patience, and empathy. All aspects of divorce can be used to transform the self, so making co-parenting another arena for becoming a better person may shift your focus and intention as you manage this challenging part of the process.

I can only imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing after a blindside like this. Based on the information you provided, the way your husband handled the situation absolutely seems unfair to you. Walking out with no prior conversation can indicate either a lack of care and respect for your feelings and your relationship or deeper issues of his own. He may be going through something that compelled him to make a major life change with no clear plan of where he was going next. Either way, trust that when he says he is done, he is done.

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He resisted attempts to go to counseling in the past and has let you know that he has no desire to do so now. Take him at his word. It takes two to fight for a marriage—and if he is not willing to even engage, fighting for your marriage will be an exercise in frustration for you and potentially damage what remains of your relationship. Not fighting doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage. By not fighting, however, you may be able to begin your grieving process, and subsequent healing process, sooner.

It is natural to go through many stages of grieving at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well.

It is natural to go through many stages of grief at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well. Unfortunately, it is possible that your husband will not, perhaps even cannot, give you the answers you need to make sense of this bewildering situation.

His departure and refusal to explain or consider working on things has not only hurt you deeply, but also likely left you feeling powerless. One important part of healing will be reclaiming your power. I recommend that you connect with a local counselor who can provide support and perspective as you grapple with the emotions that naturally will arise for you.

Through counseling, you can determine how you want to grieve and move forward. You can get support to handle the anger and confusion you are feeling. You can choose how to handle future conversations and interactions with your husband. You can choose whether staying connected to him is in your best interests or not. You can choose whether or not to remain friends.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope, with support, you find resolution for the understandable pain you feel that allows you to move forward with a clear mind and heart.

Best of luck,
Erika

When your life doesn’t go as planned, it’s natural to look back with regret. Experiences and time spent seem like a waste when you’re robbed of the opportunity to finish what you started. This may seem particularly true with the end of your marriage.

Regret is common when you’re going through divorce or separation. You might even question whether you would make the same choices knowing what you know now. Thoughts about the past may make you angry because it seems like everything was a big waste of time, or perhaps you feel like you invested poorly in the stock of your life. If you made a poor choice in a partner, or committed to a relationship you knew wasn’t right, the feeling of regret may be even stronger. Wishing you could go back in time and do it all over is normal.

Regret is very closely linked to anger and grief. It’s a natural part of recovering from the end of a marriage, but like anger and grief it can become problematic if left unresolved. There are certain emotions that easily pass through the system, but regret can be an emotional artery clog because, like resentment and shame, it survives in the dark recesses of your own mind. Regret is simply a construct of time because it can happen only when there is something in the past you haven’t been able to resolve in the present. Focusing or fixating on the past with a regretful perspective is toxic and may land you in a state of bitterness that is much harder to undo.

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Living with a feeling of regret is often painful and depleting. Energy that could be used for a new life or creating new memories gets drained when the focus is on what could or should have been. When you look forward toward the future, there’s a strong pull to compare it to the past, and when the past gets pulled into the present, it serves as a weight or obstacle that may prevent you from creating the life you are capable of creating.

Here are four tips to release your regret:

1. Make a List

Start by making a list of all your regrets. Get them down on paper so you can clearly see what you’re wishing were different. Some of the items on your list may be valid and connected to a natural grief process, but many will simply represent a resistance to the things you cannot change. You might regret selling your house, not paying more attention to the marriage, or getting married in the first place.

Next, take each regret and write a few brief lines about what would have happened if you hadn’t made that choice or if a particular experience hadn’t happened. How would things be different now? What would be different in the future? Use what you learn to reshape your regret.

2. Find the Silver Lining

Your mind is powerful, and your thoughts will likely be the biggest obstacle to letting go of regret. Replaying old stories and thinking about how things could have been different may keep you rooted in a negative space. When you pay attention to your thoughts, you can catch them and reshape them into something more positive. There is always another scenario that can be played out, so finding the silver lining by taking a bigger perspective may be helpful.

Take the list you made of your regrets and reframe each one into three positive points. For example, if you regret giving up your career for your marriage, a bright side might be that you had time away from work to engage other interests and aspects of your life.

3. Focus on Your Strengths

Regret can lead to a feeling of weakness because it implies that what you need is no longer available to you. Focusing on your present strengths may empower and encourage you to let that go.

Make a list of your personal strengths. You may have to dig deep if you’re feeling like a failure in the current context of your life, but if you sit long enough, you’ll likely come up with a few. Your strengths might be kindness, intelligence, courage, or compassion. Pick one strength and think about how you might use it to help you move forward without regret.

4. Transform and Grow

Regret is a part of your recovery process; after all, there is no way to move forward without reflecting on the past. However, there’s a difference between fixating on what could have been and learning from your choices.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is the wisdom you pull from the choices and experiences you regret. It’s a great opportunity for personal growth and transformation to learn from your mistakes, so turn what didn’t work out into a chance for change.