Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I have bad OCD. Fear of germs, obsessive and anxious thoughts, needing things to always be perfect and orderly—you name the symptom, I’m pretty sure I have it.
Before you suggest it, I’m going to contact a therapist. But my question is whether, even with therapy, OCD gets worse before it gets better. Most things I see people dealing with, especially mental health issues, don’t tend to improve as they get older. If anything, their problematic thoughts tend to harden into fully formed habits and they become more difficult to shake. Is that the case with OCD? How quickly can I expect therapy to help? (For that matter, will it help at all? Will it cure me or just give me ways to cope?)
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From what I’ve read, obsessive-compulsive disorder isn’t the kind of thing you just “get over.†I want to know what kind of journey I need to buckle in for here, and whether the ride is likely to get bumpier before it smoothens out. Please be brutally honest, if need be. Thank you for your time. —Obsessing Over OCD
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Dear Obsessing,
It sounds like you’re doing the most important thing you can do if you think you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). You’re investigating what you need to know and looking into seeking help to manage and, ideally, overcome your symptoms. Your instinct to contact a therapist is a good one. If you haven’t already done so, I strongly encourage you to not delay and schedule an appointment.
While I generally caution against self-diagnosing, you may be on to something. If I were to work with you, some things I’d want to know about your symptoms include when you recognized that they are a problem; what, exactly, you mean by “bad OCDâ€; and what you are already doing to help yourself feel better. I’d also want to know how much your symptoms are interfering in your relationships, job/school, or other daily activities.
I hear your concern about whether symptoms will get better before they get worse; rest assured this fear is unwarranted. It is more likely that symptoms could get worse by not doing anything about them. As you noted, these symptoms are unlikely to resolve on their own without you doing something different.
When you are having symptoms (whether it be for an OCD diagnosis or for something else), the most important thing is that when you recognize you are suffering, you reach out for help. The sooner you seek help, the sooner you will have answers to your questions as they relate to you, and the sooner you’ll learn how to treat your symptoms. Seeking help now also enables you to change your thinking patterns while you are younger, which will have positive implications for your future (countering your anecdotal observation that mental health issues get worse with age, especially when left untreated).
I hear your concern about whether symptoms will get better before they get worse; rest assured this fear is unwarranted. It is more likely that symptoms could get worse by not doing anything about them. As you noted, these symptoms are unlikely to resolve on their own without you doing something different.
Generally, obsessive thoughts and related symptoms are likely to improve when you commit to a course of therapy and not terminate prematurely. This might include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), another psychotherapeutic approach, medication, or a combination of the above. One important aspect of treatment effectiveness is learning to recognize what may be triggering your symptoms and how to avoid or prepare for these triggers in the future.
There are no guaranteed “cures†(meaning a promise of no relapses) for anything when it comes to OCD. Treatment will likely take time, and symptoms likely will not subside after just one session. If you start with an approach and it doesn’t seem like a comfortable fit, try to not get discouraged. There are multiple treatment options, and another approach may resonate better with you. Be patient with yourself and your progress.
With many mental health conditions, including OCD and anxiety, some of the most important things we can do are to learn how to build coping skills, increase self-awareness, promote self-compassion, and prevent relapses. In other words, it’s critical to be an active part of your treatment and self-monitor your symptoms.
Sincerely,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.
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For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.
This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.
What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? —Out of Touch
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Dear Out of Touch,
Thank you for your note. While I’m not sure how “some men†are, I know how this man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.
It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.
I was struck by your comment that “it doesn’t feel right to ask him†about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you’re wrecking the “honeymoon,†but I don’t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.
One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, “So what’s the deal here? Think I got cooties?†At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, “Listen, this is awkward and I don’t mean to rain on our parade, but I’ve noticed you tend to pull away when we’re close, and it’s confusing me.â€
You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, “I find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,†or, “I really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don’t,†and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.
I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn’t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.
I can’t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting—perhaps even cold or rejecting, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn’t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy.
In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.
If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related—and that would be my guess as well—it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.
It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how he responds.
All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the cliché goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.
If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, “Yes, I can see how that’s awkward or hard to understand for you.†The yellow or red flag would be, “Why are you bringing this up? There’s nothing to see here.â€
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,†or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters, along with the degree to which each person emotionally “hears†the other.
In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.
I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he’d be relieved at your courage, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.
Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the “good stuffâ€â€”such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on—could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor who can help facilitate things.
Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.
All the best,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My adult daughter is incredibly gifted (she tested around 130 IQ), but she has pretty serious depression. The sleeps-all-day, forgets-to-eat kind. It took her an extra two years to graduate from college because she kept turning assignments in late. Once she got her engineering degree, everyone thought she’d get a job easily, but she bombed all her interviews. Eventually she ended up working as a waitress.
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She’s been in therapy for a year now, and her more serious symptoms have improved. My daughter says she wants to quit her job and go to graduate school. However, she keeps procrastinating on applications and missing deadlines. When I try to ask about her progress, she clams up and shuts me out.
I know she’s an adult now. I can’t do everything for her. But I would hate to see my daughter’s depression sabotage her career. All she needs is a little support for her condition.
Should I take a more active role in guiding my child? Or is my daughter’s procrastination a sign she’s not actually ready for graduate school? I want her to reach her full potential, but I don’t want to push her into a situation she can’t handle. —Not an Empty Nester Yet
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Dear Not an Empty Nester,
It can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It can be even harder when you feel so helpless. Your daughter is an adult, is in therapy, and has to be in charge of her future. Your desire to help her comes from a loving place, but sadly, it is not the kind of help she needs.
Often when we try to help our kids by smoothing their path or taking care of things for them, we unintentionally signal that we’re not confident in their ability to manage things. This can reinforce their self-doubts and contribute to their sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness. What our kids need more often is to hear and see from us that we believe they can manage their lives, and that we are available for support if they want it. Then we must step back and let them fall and pick themselves back up. It can be excruciating to watch, and of course we can intervene when they are in serious or life-threatening danger. Failure to reach potential, though, doesn’t meet that standard.
If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing.
It’s also not unusual for kids, even as they enter adulthood, to push back against the expectations they believe others (especially parents) have of them. If your daughter feels you are more invested in her graduate school applications than she is, she may lose some of her own motivation. Ultimately, she will have to decide what she wants and how much she wants to pursue it. If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing. Maybe grad school is the right choice for her now, maybe not. Either way, she must choose how to live her life and forge her own path.
If you are wondering how best to support your daughter, could you ask to meet with her and her therapist? Her therapist might be able to offer ideas about how to communicate effectively with your daughter and offer her loving support in a way that bolsters her sense of self-efficacy. If not, perhaps you could find a therapist to work with to share your fears and concerns and identify a way to manage the anxiety you feel on your daughter’s behalf.
Best of luck,
Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My husband and I used to have a great relationship, but ever since we had a baby and he started a stressful new job, he won’t sleep with me anymore. I don’t mean just have sex, although that’s a problem too. I mean he literally doesn’t sleep with me. He stays up half the night and falls asleep on the couch more often than not. When I get up in the morning, I often end up waking him up and telling him to go to bed. It’s like we are ships passing in the night.
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This has strained our relationship so much! I miss my husband. I want to be intimate with him, but even more than that, I want to feel him next to me. I miss snuggling. I miss his warmth and his gentle presence. I sleep better when he’s with me. I cry myself to sleep a lot now, and any sleep I do get is fitful. Having to always be the one to wake up and attend to our baby (since my husband is downstairs, out of earshot) doesn’t help.
He refuses to change or even compromise. He says the stress of his job—he’s a police officer and works evenings—makes him need to “decompress” after his shifts by “vegging out” in front of the TV. He says he can’t go to bed right after work or he just lays there and tosses and turns. But that’s basically what I do if he’s not next to me.
What am I supposed to do if my husband won’t make an effort to sleep with me? I keep thinking the lack of sex will bring him back eventually, but it’s not happening so far. He’s a pretty sexual guy, so I am starting to wonder if he’s getting sex somewhere else. Ugh. As if I needed another reason to not be able to sleep! —Restless
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Dear Restless,
No doubt you’re not sleeping so well these days. In addition to having a little one wreak havoc on your sleep, you have an absentee bed partner. You describe your situation as causing a great deal of distress. It’s on your mind day and night. I’m glad you reached out for help, and I hope this reply offers some points to consider.
You describe your relationship as like “ships passing in the night,†but previously you felt like you had a strong and connected marriage. It sounds like the biggest source of distress is a lack of connection and intimacy, on multiple levels. From your account, you have expressed your desires and concerns to your husband, yet they have neither been validated nor led to change in where your husband spends his time at night. It’s no surprise you are having trouble sleeping.
Talking about sensitive topics with a partner can be tricky for many reasons—among them the baggage that people bring to the communication. It is possible your husband isn’t hearing you because of things that are affecting him, which then reinforces your feeling that he isn’t present. The explanation he has given is that he feels stressed and needs to unwind. This may be accurate, but as you insinuated, you don’t know whether this is the full story. Might there be other challenges he is not comfortable discussing or isn’t able to identify? Might there indeed be an affair of some sort? It sounds like whatever his struggles are, they are affecting him on many levels, including domestic life and his emotional and physical connection to his wife.
Even though communication is hard, it will be part of the long-term solution if you want to bring about change and break this pattern. Individual therapy can assist you with meeting these goals, as can couples therapy, if your husband is open to this.
Even though communication is hard, it will be part of the long-term solution if you want to bring about change and break this pattern. Individual therapy can assist you with meeting these goals, as can couples therapy, if your husband is open to this. Both approaches can facilitate communication and identify issues that may be contributing to the state of your relationship. Regardless of which approach(es) you try, it is important to try something.
Other considerations are important to acknowledge. For one, transition periods in life are inherently stressful. Transitioning into parenthood and starting a new job can feel overwhelming, certainly. We may not know how to deal with the stress. We may resort to coping styles that are familiar to us because it may feel comfortable or easy to react in a certain way.
How has your husband typically coped with stress in the past? Some people tend to react to stress by withdrawing or disengaging. This can, of course, be hard for others who feel like they are shut out. Ultimately, how we deal with things now, whether it be big changes, new demands, or even disagreement about the importance of sharing a marital bed, affects things in the future.
Another consideration worthy of acknowledging is how you are coping. Your sleep has deteriorated, which presumably leaves you feeling less rested during the day. Many nights of poor sleep, of course, can take their toll physically and emotionally. It can affect your energy and internal resources as a caregiver to your baby.
You are caring for someone else, but what are you doing to care for yourself? When we regularly care for ourselves, we are better prepared to deal with the stresses we face, including the ones that don’t seem to make sense or seem like they are easy to resolve. It is easy to forget to take care of yourself when you are so concerned about the well-being of others. May this be a reminder about the importance of checking in with yourself and engaging in something restorative, energizing, or otherwise positive for yourself.
Kind regards,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My memory isn’t so hot these days. I used to be a walking dictionary, but now I keep forgetting words. It happens every few days: I’ll be having a conversation, then stop because a word is on the tip of my tongue. Sometimes I’ll find it after an awkward pause. Other times I stammer through a few synonyms until the person offers the word for me.
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I can’t see any rhyme or reason to the words I forget. They don’t have a theme or anything. They aren’t always difficult words, either. If I’m tired or nervous, I can forget basic words like “umbrella.†Once, when I took my partner to a nice restaurant, I couldn’t remember the name for “pepper.†I had to ask her to pass “the spicy salt.â€
Should I be worried about this? My family does have a history of Alzheimer’s, but I’m only 32. Is becoming forgetful part of the aging process? Or am I just bad at conversation? I’m already self-conscious when talking to people, so I’d like to improve my memory if I can. —Freaking Out About Forgetfulness
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Dear Freaking Out,
Thank you for writing in with this question. It sounds like this issue is creating a good deal of discomfort for you. I hear you saying there is some social anxiety associated with the issue but also anxiety around what it could suggest about future cognitive declines. That seems like a lot for you to hold. You don’t have to hold it alone.
Working with a therapist on increasing your self-confidence and belief in your ability to navigate social situations might help to decrease the incidents simply by decreasing social anxiety.
I wonder if scheduling a consult with a neuropsychologist or neurologist could be helpful to you. If you chose to schedule such a consult, it might be valuable to consider some of the following questions and have some notes to bring in. Was there a particular event, transition, or injury that occurred just before you became aware of this issue? Is the forgetfulness limited to word selection or do you find that you are forgetting other things as well? Do you find this is likely to come up in certain situations and not in others? If so, are there common themes in the situations where it does come up? Having answers to these questions will allow you to offer a thorough presentation of your concern.
Certainly, the professional you see will also have some questions and may or may not find it necessary to recommend further evaluation. If there is an underlying condition causing the forgetfulness, it will likely be diagnosed. If no diagnosis is made, then hopefully your anxiety will be alleviated to some extent.
If there is not a neurological explanation for your forgetfulness and you still find it showing up and creating discomfort, it might be valuable to partner with a therapist to explore and deal with the anxiety you have around the issue. The social anxiety could certainly exacerbate the problem—anxiety can impair cognitive functioning. Working with a therapist on increasing your self-confidence and belief in your ability to navigate social situations might help to decrease the incidents simply by decreasing social anxiety. Even if the incidents did not decrease, you might not feel the same level of discomfort if you felt more confident overall.
However you choose to approach this, I hope you will address it in some way. It sounds like it is quite stressful for you, and you deserve to have support in trying to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on and what can be done about it.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I feel so strung out lately. I definitely consider myself a people-pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to make sure friends, family, and coworkers are happy, even if it leaves me feeling drained and dissatisfied.
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This problem is probably best exemplified by my difficulty saying no. Whether I’m being asked to help someone or getting invited to lunch, I don’t know how to decline without feeling terrible about myself. I want to be a good friend, and part of being a good friend is being there for people. It just leaves me ragged sometimes because, as an introvert, I need a good amount of time alone to recharge. I’m rarely able to do that. So I’m stressed a lot and just have the sense that time is flying by. I don’t feel grounded and at peace, and I think it all comes down to not attending to my own needs.
Do you deal with this a lot in your practice? What do you tell people who have a hard time saying no to others? Some practical suggestions for how to say no respectfully would be helpful as well. Thank you. —Yes Woman
Dear Yes Woman,
It sounds like you are exhausted in every conceivable way—it must be a difficult way to live your life. You are consistently putting everyone else before yourself, to your own detriment. One place to start tackling this issue is with a thorough exploration of it and its meaning to you. For example, what would it mean to you to say no? Are you concerned about what others would think, or not think, about you? How would this impact your relationships? How might it change how you view yourself? Partnering with a therapist to answer these questions could be quite helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the beliefs and feelings you have around this pattern of behavior.
With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.
I wonder if engaging in such a process would lead you to the realization that being there for people is part of how you identify yourself. If this bears out, it seems possible that disappointing anyone feels so unthinkable because it effectively serves as a threat to your identity. If you view yourself as a “go-to†kind of person who always “comes through†for others, the simple act of saying no might challenge how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. If so, a therapist could be helpful to you in uncovering other aspects of your identity and shifting your focus to developing those areas. With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.
I also want to be respectful of your request for some practical suggestions for saying no respectfully. You mention that even saying no to a lunch invitation is difficult for you. What if, instead of answering either yes or no, you allowed yourself to say something like, “Well, I can’t do it today, but how about next week?†As for requests that are less social and more about helping someone else, you can still try to schedule those things in a way that doesn’t feel overly burdensome for you. Sometimes, all the creative scheduling in the world won’t work and you may just have to say no. Even in these cases, you can still offer help through brainstorming about how else to address the issue and express your sincere regret that you aren’t able to help this time.
Regardless of whether you choose to try some ideas for saying no or dive in to an exploration of the larger issues, you deserve to learn how to prioritize yourself and your needs. I hope you are able to find some ways to give yourself this gift.
Kind regards,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Several years ago, my wife began seeing a therapist. After a year, she asked that I join her for a session. Afterward, I began seeing the same therapist frequently on my own and periodically with my wife (we were having marital issues). After about nine months of this, my wife terminated her relationship with the therapist because she didn’t feel her voice was being heard. She felt the therapist was constantly preaching patience and taking my “side” on most issues.
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I continued to see the therapist for what remained of our marriage (about a year) and beyond and indeed still see her to this day. I just found out that my now ex-wife (we’ve been divorced four months) has reengaged her relationship with this same therapist. Obviously, the divorce is still fresh, but I’m feeling a lot of emotions here and I’m frankly not sure they are justified. I feel betrayed. At a minimum, I think the therapist should have told me that she had taken on my ex as a client again. I also feel uncomfortable moving forward using the same therapist as my ex. Am I justified in these feelings? —Untold Anger
Dear Untold,
Your question raises a number of concerns. The short answer is that your therapist is ethically bound NOT to let you know she is working with your ex-wife. Part of client confidentiality includes not sharing the identity of a person in therapy with another person without the explicit permission of that client.
That said, the way your relationship with this therapist evolved sounds messy. The first moment that may have been confusing was when your wife’s individual therapist also became your individual therapist and also worked with the two of you as a couple. When a therapist works with multiple members of a family system, it is essential that boundaries are clear and all parties are comfortable with the situation. Exploring the benefits and risks prior to engaging in the work is essential. Checking in regularly to ensure everyone’s needs are being met is also important. Working with individuals and working with them as a couple can be beneficial at times, but it also runs the risk of one party feeling as if the therapist is more aligned with their partner and takes their side.
In individual therapy, the alignment between person in therapy and counselor is clear. In couples work, the relationship is the “client,†and it is imperative that neither individual feels marginalized. Managing that well and simultaneously meeting the needs of both individuals and the relationship can be challenging. It seems as if your wife began to feel as if her needs were not being met and took appropriate steps to terminate her relationship with that therapist.
Whether or not your feelings are “justified,†if you are feeling betrayed it is important that you address those feelings with your therapist.
It seems as if you felt aligned with and supported by this therapist until the recent revelation that she was working with your ex. Whether or not your feelings are “justified,†if you are feeling betrayed it is important that you address those feelings with your therapist. Having the opportunity to explore what is contributing to your discomfort could be helpful. You may ultimately decide you are not comfortable moving forward with this particular therapist, or you may discover that you are able to work together. Either way, having a conversation about trust and boundaries seems important.
I do wonder about some of the roots of your discomfort. In theory, your therapist is meeting with each of you as individuals; therefore, there should not be competing alignment concerns. Your sessions would focus on your needs, your ex-wife’s on hers. Given the history you’ve had with this therapist, however, I wonder if perhaps you are concerned about her ability to remain impartial and unbiased. Are you concerned that you may begin to feel the way your wife felt before she terminated their relationship? Might you be worried that this therapist will not be able to compartmentalize information from one of your sessions and bring that bias into the other’s session?
Whatever your concerns, without safety and trust, it is unlikely that your work together would be helpful or beneficial. If you are able to address your concerns, this might be an opportunity to deepen your trust. At the very least, this feels like important feedback for your therapist so she can understand how her choices are impacting your feelings of trust and safety.
Best of luck,
Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I have been having a torrid affair with a coworker for seven months. It has been undoubtedly the most exhilarating, liberating, but also emotionally wrenching time of my life. I am cheating on a husband I love very much, but with whom intimacy can best be described as muted. He has never had a sex drive to match mine, and at this point—seven years into our marriage—we are almost never intimate. When we are, he generally doesn’t orgasm, nor do I. I think we do it more out of a sense of love than desire.
Stress is not an issue here. My husband and I do not have children, and we both have careers that allow for plenty of time together. We spend that time doing things we both enjoy, from biking to wine tasting to road trips. Again, I really love my husband! I just don’t feel any sort of carnal craving for him. For that matter, I’m not sure I ever did, even though he is quite handsome.
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We have talked about our sex life (or lack of it). He knows he’s not as motivated by sex as I am. We have accepted that we’re different in that way, I think, because we have so much going for us otherwise. We’re not trying to be something we’re not with each other. I actually love that aspect.
Sexually, the man I’ve been having the affair with is the yin to my yang. He rocks my world like no one ever has. Orgasms aren’t everything, certainly, but just to put things in perspective, last night he had three (!) and I had 12. He has ignited something in me that was dormant for a long time. However, we don’t have a future together. We’re in different life stages, and I don’t intend to ever leave my husband. The arrangement with the other man is purely sexual. And I don’t want it to stop.
Do I feel guilty? Of course I do. I’m not sure anyone goes into marriage thinking they will one day cheat on their partner. But I also feel like I do not get everything I need from my marriage, and I don’t feel it is realistic to expect my husband to fulfill every need I have. I am still reconciling what all this means for us, but I would welcome any thoughts you have. —Wanting It All
Dear Wanting,
Well, talk about the seven-year itch! It is hard to argue with 12 orgasms when you’re accustomed to having zero. On the other hand, something is concerning you here or you would not be writing to me about it.
Your letter raises a profound, and complicated, question about romantic relationships. Is it possible sexual desire and love are separate (or can somehow be lived separately)? Your letter appears to answer that in the affirmative—and you are not alone in feeling that way. But there is probably more going on here than meets the eye. There is, for instance, a hint of what could be a rebellion (understandable) to the sexual dissatisfaction you have experienced.
I take it you believe your husband would be hurt if he knew about your affair. You obviously love him, though it also sounds as though your relationship is akin to a very warm, close friendship: affectionate, respectful, even tender (nothing at all wrong or inferior about any of that) … but also missing a certain “spice.†In fact, given your level of sexual appetite is higher than his, I wonder how you have navigated that difference over the years. Was it a matter of no longer being able to hold out? Is it possible the intensity of the affair is due to your withholding or repressing your desires over time, to the point where you no longer could?
Questions arise for me around this. Did you realize early on that the two of you were sexually incompatible? How was that reconciled? Was there a sense this might be more deeply addressed as time went on, or that it would change? Are you the type who more naturally sets aside their own needs for the other? Is the affair a kind of “rebalancing�
There are psychologists and other social observers who believe a marriage contract for life is impractical. Search the internet and you’ll find intelligent arguments for a rethinking of monogamy, due to perhaps unrealistic expectations imposed by such an arrangement. I must be frank in saying I am not of this view and thus have a bias. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned in this way (which isn’t to say you aren’t).
Monogamy is challenging, of course. At the same time, it forces us to do something difficult: look our partner in the eye and find a difficult but necessary level of honesty to work through differences. Based on the information you provided, I am not sure whether this was ever an option in your case. It’s possible you underestimated the risk to yourself in having to hold back or curb your desires in order to not offend or overwhelm your husband.
You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.
You are not in an easy position and have not been for a while; I can even imagine being disappointed with your husband. Your behavior communicates this dissatisfaction. You sound like a genuinely nice person, and nice people can have trouble airing disagreements or disappointments.
I would be curious to know how this affair came to fruition—what led up to it, whether it was sudden or a slow build. Did you or your husband have an inkling of how vulnerable you were to sexual temptation? Did or does he possibly “look the other wayâ€? (Some marriages have a “don’t ask, don’t tell†policy regarding affairs.) What does the man you’re having the affair with represent for you—besides the obvious—that your husband does not? I try to advise partners to not take the other’s (or their own) dissatisfactions for granted; they can fester and leap out of the unconscious via surprising actions or behaviors.
I am going to take a small leap here and guess you are writing not only because you feel guilty or worried about what your husband might think if he found out, but perhaps you’ve felt caught in a bind for some time now and want a little validation for maybe needing this affair—for needing to feel attractive and sexually desired. You may also feel angry at having to feel guilty, since you have self-sacrificed for a while.
I was struck when you said, near the end of your letter, you don’t expect your husband to fulfill every need you have, as if it would be an imposition to ask more of him. Maybe it’s time to be a tad more selfish.
You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.
Which also leads me to wonder: what, exactly, is the deal with your husband? Is he repressed or withholding in bed, and has this been discussed? Is there fear of intimacy or vulnerability on his part? Does he have a hint of how unsatisfied you have been? Are there health factors? Were I seeing you as a couple, I would ask you both to lean in. Your challenge would be to speak up and let him know how unsatisfied you feel and withstand the risk of his feeling hurt. The reason we stretch like this is because of the reward of a deep and unique empathy and trust.
As I’m writing this, I’m feeling the tug between hoping you’ll enjoy your overdue pleasure and the hope that a happier arrangement can occur with your husband, along with a diminishing of the guilt you’re feeling. Again, an affair is a short-term outlet, not a long-term adjustment or way of growing closer. Unless, of course, there’s a reason you do not wish to be closer. I just cannot shake the feeling that something is being avoided here: first on your husband’s part, and then perhaps on yours in wanting more but feeling it’s “obvious†it can’t happen. In the meantime, your psyche is in conflict.
You could, I suppose, continue to lead a double life of sorts, but in the long run that strikes me as potentially risky both for your husband’s feelings and trust and for your own peace of mind. I don’t sense your desires are going anywhere soon (and there’s nothing wrong with them). Sex can be a wild card; it’s hard to predict where passionate feelings will lead.
You’ll note I haven’t addressed the question of whether to tell your husband about the affair. In the first place, you did not ask, and secondly it is a tangled question in which there is an argument to be made on either side. It is easy to say “honesty is the best policy,†but this simply isn’t true all of the time, in every situation—and there are many truths in a complex relationship. I think it comes down to the kind of relationship you have and want to have. There are many helpful books and therapists out there to help you sort this out.
Thanks again for writing!
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My 16-year-old daughter thinks I’m evil. Anytime I try to use discipline, whether it’s asking her to help around the house or do her homework, I get attitude and viciousness. In recent months she has even taken to saying she hates me. Last night she told me, “I hate your (expletive) guts!” Then she called me another expletive and told me to stay out of her life. I am still sobbing as I write this.
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I don’t know what I did to make my daughter treat me like this. I may not be a banner parent, but I do my best to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants. She’s really ungrateful and has no respect for me anymore. She has threatened to go live with her dad a few times now (he lives two states away), and I’m just about ready to tell her to go.
It breaks my heart to see my child acting this way toward me and I want to fix our relationship if I can. But I can’t get through to her at all, so I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Please help. —She Hates Me
Dear She Hates Me,
The agony of your heartbreak is so clear—it is devastating to have your child speak to you in such a hateful manner. That agony has a way of making things seem worse than they actually are. You end your letter by saying you “feel like a complete failure as a parent,†but you also said you “make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants.†If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.
It sounds like you are unable to trace her behavior back to any particular incident, which is likely making her behavior all the more baffling. Thus, you feel unsure how to approach the issue. This also makes it seem possible that the issue isn’t really you. Sometimes children lash out at their parents even when their angst has little to do with their parents. Parents can be safe targets—friends might decide not to be friends and boyfriends/girlfriends might break up, but parents don’t stop being parents and don’t stop loving their children.
If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.
You also mention that her father lives two states away and your daughter has expressed an interest in going to live with him. I’m curious how long he has lived two states away. Is this a more recent development that she might be having a hard time adjusting to? Does she blame you, fairly or unfairly, for the geographical distance? I imagine her request to live with him is quite difficult to hear, but affording her the opportunity to speak openly and honestly about why she is feeling this way might be beneficial to your relationship with one another.
I also find myself feeling curious about what is going on in her life beyond the fact her father lives two states away. Have her relationships with anyone else—friends or significant others—changed? Has there been any kind of change at school? Has her performance in school changed significantly? Examining some of these issues might offer some ideas about other things, outside of your relationship with your daughter, that might be impacting her and how she treats you. If you’re unsure of these potential issues, maybe there is a guidance counselor or teacher at her school that you could check in with.
I wonder if there are any times of relative peace between the two of you in the home. If so, one of these moments might provide a good opportunity to let her know you are concerned about her and are open to listening to anything she might wish to share. Sometimes, approaching someone in the absence of conflict can change the complexion of a typical interaction.
Finally, I would encourage you to consider seeking out your own therapy. Parenting is one of the most intense experiences there is, and going through something like this is incredibly painful. You deserve not only the support a therapeutic relationship can provide, but also the opportunity to brainstorm new strategies for and approaches to connecting with your daughter and healing the relationship.
Best,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Hallelujah! I just retired at age 63 after four decades in the loan industry. I can’t wait to see what retirement holds for me.
After my husband died in 2004, I wrapped myself up in my work and put romance and sex on a very dusty shelf. I went on one date in 2011 with a man five years older than me, but I wasn’t ready and I really didn’t feel a spark with him anyway. Now that I am retired, I am thinking about filling my time with someone (or maybe multiple someones!) new again. I feel ready this time. But I also feel sure about something else: At this stage of my life, I find myself much more attracted to younger men than older men or even men my own age. When I say younger, I mean 20 or 30 years younger. Something about that feels wrong, but I think that’s more because of society’s expectations than mine.
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I signed up for my first dating website yesterday and lo and behold I already have a whopping 18 messages! I was surprised that most of them are from younger men—one is a college sophomore! I am blushing but also smiling and laughing, if I am being honest. Apparently there is no shortage of younger men out there who are looking for “older” women like me. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but I am. Pleasantly so.
I know there may be potential complications with dating outside my generation. We may not have a lot in common and there may be gaps in maturity, wisdom, and life experience. I’ll probably get funny looks. I might shoot some funny looks back, though. Is it so wrong for me to want to date younger men? Could be fun. Ha! —Young at Heart
Dear Young at Heart,
You go, girl! Thanks for your spirited question, though I’m close to positive you already know the answer. Why in the world would it be wrong? First of all, you seem comfortable with it. Sixty-three leaves a lot of life to be experienced—having turned 50, I hold fast to that statement. To each her (or his) own. Love is not only blind, it often has a sense of irony.
Where is it written only men may seek out younger companions? I can only imagine by the tenor of your note that you are flattered by the attention, and why not? You experienced the loss of your husband (belated condolences) and have worked hard in your career. Why not have a little fun now that you have time on your hands?
You mention some potential pitfalls. There are always pitfalls in any situation. Also, it is hard to generalize about differences in regard to generations, maturity, and so forth, since we are all so unique. Some of us are “beyond our years,†others not so much. There is no such thing as being “mature†or not; usually there is maturity in some areas but not in others. (Maturity here is not to be confused with being stoic or emotionally reserved.) We may be patient and sage in the office, but frantic or angry behind the wheel, and so on.
Of course, there are stages of life that a younger guy might not be able to understand personally—such as retirement—but perhaps he’s a good listener and willing to learn about your experience, and isn’t that something you’d want from any partner?
As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality.
I think the key here is “having fun.†Life is heavy enough; why not keep things light and get to know some of these guys in person? You may know this, but there’s no substitute for in-person interaction, and it’s easy to build up our fantasy of another person before meeting them. This may also be old news, but I’d encourage you to try to keep it short and sweet the first time. Maybe coffee or a drink in a safe, public venue. An hour tops, which gives you an “out†if it’s not a match. Finally, I find that having a disagreement or two during the first few dates isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it shows how the two of you resolve conflict— key to any relationship, short- or long-term. Nothing is less fun than rigidity. Thus endeth my advice.
Additionally, and in the spirit of keeping things light, please take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality. Older men often seek younger women because of a fear of their own mortality, which aging makes impossible to ignore and which many folks experience as a traumatic loss. For many men, a loss of virility or stamina or peak physicality (and impending retirement) can create massive insecurity. Women for whom appearance is important are often distressed by aging, and many of the women I work with in therapy report that age brings a kind of reckoning of one’s life’s choices, both the positive as well as opportunities lost or shrinking.
I would be curious about what this interest in a younger guy means to you, which does not at all mean you shouldn’t pursue it. Quite the contrary; being clearer about what appeals to you (and what doesn’t) makes the dating process easier, since you know what attracts you and what might qualify as deal-breakers (which may or may not include dishonesty, lack of empathy, and so forth). One of the nice things about getting older, I find, is we can be more direct with ourselves and others about what we like or don’t like, in and out of the bedroom. It’s advisable to be up front about what you are or aren’t looking for with whomever you date, even if you’re not sure yet. Clarity on the front end tends to circumvent misunderstandings or hurt feelings, even if you’re uncertain about where things are going with someone.
Finally, the “father†side of me wants to say be cautious about who you let into your life, meaning access to intimate details of health, family, finances, and so on. This is not to imply you’re likely to meet a scam artist (though they do exist), but it takes time to get to know a person, and people reveal themselves through their actions and behavior over time. Most of us try to be on our best behavior in the beginning and let the rough edges slowly emerge. It can be intoxicating to meet a special someone and feel like you want to give all of yourself right away, but trust is precious indeed and needs to be earned little by little. There is a balance between caution and openness, which everyone finds for themselves. Indulge and have fun, take a weekend away to a new romantic place, take dancing lessons, try a new cuisine or neighborhood you’ve never visited, go to a rock concert (you’re never too old), be adventurous … just remember in the back of your mind it takes time to get to know someone—the good, the bad, and the in-between.
Having said all that, I wish you all the romantic fun in the world, with some well-earned enjoyment—as well as good wishes for the new year. If you would like support in navigating this journey into unfamiliar territory, therapists are here for you. Thanks again for your question!
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of all the commercialization. I’m also pretty much broke. I know I’m going to get all kinds of gifts, some of which are expensive, and the expectation will be that I return the favor.
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Christmas is big in my family, and everyone tends to spend big accordingly. Even if I had money to spend, though, I don’t want to spend it on gifts. And I work two jobs, so I don’t have time to make things for people. So I don’t know what to do. I just want to skip Christmas and go straight to New Year’s, but instead I’m going to have to deal with all kinds of guilt over not being a good reciprocal gift giver. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me, I’ll take them. —Giving Up
Dear Giving Up,
You are not alone in dreading the expectations of the holidays. What once felt like it was about gathering with loved ones and sharing in the joy of the season has, for many, become about obligation. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Do you think your family would be open to looking at this holiday differently? Some families are moving in a direction to replace tangible gifts with experiences. Would that be something you could all discuss?
My recommendation would be to talk about how you are feeling with your family. Let them know you aren’t able to participate in lavish gift giving. You could ask them what might be something meaningful they would like from you. If you are clear with them before they select a gift for you, they can still choose to give you an expensive gift; they cannot expect you to return the favor.
For some families, doing Christmas “big†is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means.
If your family traditions are inspiring feelings of guilt rather than joy, before the holidays is a good time to talk about them. For some, the giving is what brings them joy—even without the expectation of a return. For some families, doing Christmas “big†is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the price tag that is big. What could make the holiday fun for you? If you come with some suggestions about what you’d like the holiday to be or mean, you may find that others get excited about your ideas. At the very least, you are starting a dialogue about what matters to you and what you hope your family traditions may be.
If you have been honest with your family, and they have let you off the hook for lavish gift exchange and you are still feeling guilty, you may want to explore those feelings with a therapist. You may want to look at how you wish to engage with your family around holidays and other traditions in ways that work for you. Sometimes we believe it is impossible to break out of family patterns that seem entrenched. Getting support on how to start that process could be helpful.
Best of luck,
Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I hope you can help me with something. Recently I decided I don’t want to drink anymore. I was never a big drinker to begin with and don’t have an alcohol problem, but when I hung out with my friends, I would often have two or three drinks, which is fairly typical for everyone in our group. But even though it feels good in the moment and makes me more social, I don’t like the way I feel after drinking alcohol, and that’s increasingly true as I get older (I just turned 35). It pretty much ruins the next day for me, as I barely feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving my apartment.
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This is a hard decision for me because I really like my friends and I don’t expect them to not drink around me. But it feels weird sometimes to be the only person who isn’t drinking—almost like I’m the one person who isn’t in on the joke. It’s just not as fun. I also don’t want to feel pressured to drink, even though I know my friends wouldn’t actively try to get me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Likewise, I also don’t want my friends to feel pressured to not drink just because I choose to abstain. I’m worried they will think I think they have a problem or that I am judging them.
What do you think I should do? —Sober Thoughts
Dear Sober,
Congratulations on a mature decision. I guess I have my own sober thought, which is (with all due respect to your friends): are there any social activities to choose from besides imbibing, especially at 35? I can understand this as the focus at 25, but as one’s 30s roll around, the “party†kind of peters out and new responsibilities—work, family, etc.—eke into the foreground. It sounds like this is where you are going with your admirable decision, quite appropriate for someone a few years from 40.
Of course, this is a generalization, and there are some professions—journalism, entertainment, trading, and tech, to name a few—where “getting drinks†can be almost ritualistic. But many folks in those professions are sober, or can have one or two and then head home, in some cases to their partner or kids. The focus becomes less the booze than the socializing. Plus, as you astutely state, as we get older it often gets harder to shake off liquor’s aftereffects.
Are there any alternatives for your group besides drinking? I would think your friends would support your decision, and wonder why you wouldn’t tell them. (More on that in a moment.)
I can understand feeling like the “odd person out†if you are not partaking. Though I can’t imagine that, if they truly are friends, they would mind trying something different now and again, especially if you are in a city. There are plenty of ways to hang out or blow off steam: music, readings, dancing, theater, comedy clubs, etc.
If the main focus of this gang is the liquor, that itself is worth a ponder. Perhaps it’s worth expanding your social circle in any event; try going online and finding a hiking group or even a language, photography, or cooking class (or whatever moves you). Perhaps you could get more involved with local community or, if you’re so inclined, religious or spiritual activities. Familiarity and routine can be comforting, but may also keep our worlds smaller than is needed.
Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy†for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.
I am intuiting that this group may be a holdover from college, or that you work together? True friendships would have more than only that in common; the underlying anxiety in your question makes me wonder if you are concerned you’ll be alone if you lose this group, though again, if they are not willing to be flexible, how reliable are they? Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy†for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.
I can share with you some personal experience, which parallels others’ experience, though my situation is slightly different than yours. When I got sober and began recovery, with an alcohol problem that had me at the end of my rope, only two people protested that sobriety was “going overboardâ€; one smoked marijuana regularly, while the other had a problem (long hidden) with “downers.†The rest of my friends were congratulatory and flexible in joining me in new activities. It was something of a revelation that they were happy to see me and not the bottle.
In fact, I was shocked to discover most people truly don’t care about another’s drinking, and most don’t get smashed at social occasions. The latter was truly revelatory to me. Even now, at intimate dinner parties, it’s rare that anyone comments on (or even notices!) my having juice rather than wine.
I find that as we get older, the time we get to spend with our friends becomes more and more precious as our lives fill up with more responsibilities, especially if we start a family. It’s good to be able to savor it as much as we can. (Is dating a goal or interest of yours, by the way? I am sure any worthy partner would respect your decision.)
Finally, I detect anxiety in your decision about your effect on others. Contrary to many self-help affirmations (such as “I don’t need anyone’s approvalâ€), most of us do care—at least a little—about how others perceive us. But there comes a time when we have to decide what’s best for us … and see who stands by us. It is not always an easy choice, and I wonder if you are beholden to the opinions of the group in a way that limits your choices. If so, it might be worth some non-critical self-reflection as to why. It has taken me quite some time to finally accept that we cannot control how or what others think of us, even when we prefer those thoughts to be positive.
Any friendship worth its salt relies—to some degree, at least—on flexibility and empathy. It sounds like you have good reasons to set aside the booze to improve the quality of your life, and for that you are to be commended. My hope is you find that your friends are more supportive than you think.
Kind regards,