I hear your struggle and pain, and you are not alone. It is so hard to know just what the right thing to do for your kids may be when you see them potentially heading down a road that could make their lives more difficult and quite possibly more dangerous.

The best thing you can do for your son is offer him unconditional love and support by letting him know that you love him as he is, for who he is, and that nothing can change that. Whether he eventually realizes himself to be a member of the LGBTQIA community or is simply just drawn to more traditionally feminine toys and activities, he is likely to hear about these things from his peers. By trying to protect him from the hate and mockery of others, you may unintentionally give him the message that you don’t think his choices are OK and that he needs to hide who he is. He needs to have a safe place to be himself, and that should be with you. (It should be everywhere, really, but with you is a must.)

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That said, you can also equip him for living in your community. You can give him the tools he needs to combat bullying and hate. At 7, he is probably at least somewhat aware of how others may respond to him. You can talk with him about possible reactions to him choosing an Elsa costume over a Spider-Man costume. Empower him to make choices and prepare him for the ramifications. Let him know that the problem is NOT in his choice, but in the ignorance and bigotry that exist in the world. Help him find allies in the community—friends, teachers, other parents—who support him. Bullying and hate are terrible things, but they can be managed with support. Kids who internalize feelings that who they are is not OK suffer terribly, often feeling shame, isolation, and loneliness. These are the kinds of feelings that lead to hopelessness, depression, and even suicide.

Your question resonates deeply with me. My 4-year-old son is also drawn to dresses and make-up. He loves trucks and dinosaurs, but he chose to be Elsa for Halloween this year (it’s a popular costume!). When he wanted to wear a dress to school last week, I hesitated. When he was 2 or 3 it was no big deal, but lately I’ve seen that his peers respond in less accepting ways to cross-gender preferences. He wore the dress, but we practiced what he might say to friends if they laughed, made fun of him, or called him a girl. The moment we walked into the classroom, a group of boys did exactly that. He responded with, “Nope, I’m a boy. I just wanted to wear this.” And that was the end of it. Granted, at 4 and 5, kids are generally more accepting than at 7, but I hear your fears and your concerns, and all you can do is equip him to handle what he may face—and the best way to do that is by making sure he knows there is nothing wrong with him.

If I can also offer a little clarification as well: There is a difference between gender preferences, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Preferring toys and objects that are traditionally associated with a different gender does not necessarily have anything to do with gender identity or sexual orientation. Your son may be more sensitive and nurturing than his male peers. There are girls his age who prefer some of the more traditionally male toys. That does not necessarily mean they are gay or straight or bisexual. Nor does it mean that those girls identify more as masculine or the boys identify more as feminine. Kids like what they like. We are the ones who make meaning of it and attach labels.

If you need support for yourself or your son in figuring out how to navigate through these issues, find a therapist who works with gender fluidity. Whether or not your son is gay, a therapist trained in LGBTQ+ issues would have a lot of resources and strategies for navigating how to be different in an intolerant community.

Best of luck,
Erika

You are in a tough spot. You have been married for 16 years, and of course there’s a part of you that would love to see him change and spare all of you the challenges that come with restructuring your family. That makes total sense to me. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think one of the most telling parts of your question is the presence of apparent emotional manipulation in his pleas to give him a second chance. I say “apparent” because, although his pleas feel manipulative to you and might very well be strategic, we have to leave open the possibility that the guilt trips are unintentional manifestations of the pain your husband is experiencing. You would know better than me how authentic those pleas are.

Whatever the case, though, it’s clear that he has some work to do. There are plenty of other signals in your narrative—verbal and emotional abuse, controlling/limiting/tracking behaviors, denying social connections—that should alarm you. Those signals are not consistent with a healthy relationship.

The way I see it, here are the possible scenarios: he has or has not changed and you do or do not call off the divorce. Best case, he has changed and you call off the divorce and, with the help of a marriage counselor, develop a strong and healthy relationship. Worst case, you call off the divorce and it becomes clear in the following weeks/months/years that he has not changed and he reverts to abusive behaviors.

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I can’t tell you the likelihood of either scenario in your specific situation, but in my experience, change like the kind your husband is talking about takes time and committed work. In the meantime, I would be concerned about your well-being and the well-being of your children. His intentions may be to change, but there is significant work to be done to implement those changes consistently. Has he started working with a counselor to address his behaviors? How does he react when you don’t give him answers he likes? Do you feel heard, accepted, and safe? If the answer is not a resounding “yes,” there is still work to be done.

Let’s look at some alternative scenarios. What if you continue with the divorce and he shows he is committed to changing? There is nothing to say you can’t let him back into your life in the future if you trust that his changes are real and you feel safe doing so.

If you continue with the divorce, however, and the negative behaviors continue or escalate, you will know that you made the right decision. It is not unusual for the angry party to try to place the blame for his or her reaction on the other person; if only you had taken him back, it would be different. Don’t buy into that. Either he will choose to operate in this world in a peaceful, kind manner, or he won’t. If his choice is dependent on getting what he wants, then that change is not likely to last.

Best of luck!
Erika

Thanks for the letter and your thoughtful questions. I am very pleased that you reached out, seeking advice on what to do.

You ask if it’s possible to become dependent on therapy, and as much as I would like to offer a simple answer, the honest answer is much more complex. Many people come to rely on the insight of their therapist and the relationship they foster in the safe confines of the therapy room. However, it is the responsibility of the ethical therapist to create conditions that do not foster or encourage dependence, and to do his or her part in helping a person in therapy learn to function and perhaps even thrive without the therapist.

The point of therapy is not to keep people in therapy indefinitely; if a person is not getting better or otherwise seeing desired results, the therapist has an ethical obligation to stop working with that person. Therapists are also bound by an ethics code that does not allow them to benefit financially if the person isn’t benefiting therapeutically. Additionally, you are always free to choose when you end therapy, unless you are court ordered to attend. On the other hand, many people maintain a relationship with a therapist long term and go in for “tune-ups” when needed—which, of course, is not the same as being “dependent.”

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Beyond any ethical obligations, please know that good therapists thrive off of people getting better. If it was about making money, most therapists would chose a different profession. Most therapists truly care about the well-being of the people they work with. That’s why they do what they do.

As for medication, yes, some meds can be addictive after long-term use. I am not a psychiatrist, so I can’t speak to which medications specifically. There is certainly a lot of fear about becoming dependent on medication, and I understand that fear. However, if you were to seek out therapy and/or medication, the clinician or physician you work with can discuss with you, at length, which medications might work best without being addictive. Also, you have a say in your treatment, so if you want to change or eliminate medication (should you decide to use it), that is always your choice. It is imperative to remember to only make changes under a doctor’s supervision, however.

You ask whether you can get better on your own. That is a question I can’t really answer. There are anecdotal accounts of people who defeated depression without the use of therapy and/or medication, but there are a lot more who did it with the assistance of a mental health professional and/or medication. I believe the best and fastest healing of the things that ail us comes through relationships. Research has consistently shown that people who go to therapy and use medication have better and long-term recovery from their mental health/emotional concerns.

I’m curious, though, whether your desire to avoid therapy has less to do with cost and more to do with stigma. There’s nothing wrong or bad about needing therapy; many people do, including therapists themselves. Even just a session or two of therapy often yields insight and healing that can help a person move forward. I challenge you to view the possibility of therapy in such a light.

I suggest that you interview some therapists; ask them about their methods, how they feel about the use of medication, and how long the people they see usually remain in therapy. The foundation of a good therapeutic relationship is trust, and trust is fostered through honest communication. You can begin building that bridge immediately simply by openly expressing your concerns and sharing your fears. You have every right to ask as many questions as you have, and a good therapist will do his or her best to address and alleviate your concerns. Even if you decide ultimately not to pursue therapy, at least you will have explored all your options.

Sincerely,
Lisa

Thanks for writing in. Gosh, I’m sorry you’ve been through such an emotionally brutal experience. I can’t imagine the blow of losing a girlfriend and an allegedly good friend at once, in this manner. It sounds like you had some suspicion that something was amiss, but when you asked your alleged friend directly, he lied.

I would not be surprised if you are experiencing some kind of posttraumatic stress from such an experience. Because relationships are so crucial to our sense of self and security in the world—especially intimate relationships—having our trust and emotional safety shattered in this way would naturally be extremely distressing and perhaps traumatic. Sleep, appetite, and other functionality is sometimes affected. Perhaps your other relationships are being affected, in terms of wondering who you can and can’t trust. Being lied to so baldly would completely scramble trust even in our own perceptions and sense of reality since what happened contradicts so dramatically what we thought we were seeing.

This may account for the self-blame on evidence in your question, when you “feel like an idiot” for trusting. That harsh self-condemnation is the result, I suspect, of trusting your own self-experience with people close to you—who often serve at least in part as reflections of ourselves, our sense of who we are and what we can have faith in—which, now shattered, leaves you with self-doubt over what you thought you were perceiving.

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However, you are not responsible for the heinous behavior of these two. Taking you at your word (and I see no reason not to), I see no trace of any reason for them to have treated you so shabbily. I imagine this to be another reason for the self-doubt and self-condemnation you express, because our loved ones are often mirrors for us: when someone we trust and love treats us badly, a possible instinctive reaction is, “What am I, chopped liver?” It sounds like these two colluded in deception and abusive behavior, and of course such betrayal would be intensely injurious to anyone’s self-esteem.

Of course, being a therapist, I am going to suggest therapy in the spirit of seeing this episode as trauma. Often, such experiences will revive historical doubts and losses or previous crises of faith, if we have had other betrayals in the past. I think having a safe place to vent and process all kinds of understandable emotional reactions could be quite healing. Rage, grief, shock, hurt, and fear of future betrayals are but a handful of the normal human reactions you might be having, and the safe space of therapy can provide an outlet. You may need to vent about this over and over for a long time, and this is OK; don’t worry about “boring” the counselor or therapist. These losses take time to process and heal.

You might also want to look around for support groups, even online. Perhaps there is a group, either locally and in person or online, that offers support for those who have been betrayed in this way.

Finally, I wouldn’t be in a super hurry to start pressuring yourself, or feeling pressure from others, to “forgive and move on.” Forgiveness is a more complicated subject than meets the eye, and often presented in highly idealistic terms. In principle, of course, it is a beautiful thing. But people often rush to forgive others for hurts that aren’t fully understood or acknowledged, even by the injured person; superficial forgiveness may be espoused while hurts and resentments unconsciously simmer and continue to impact the personality—exploding when the person is re-traumatized in parallel ways.

I am not “against” forgiveness, of course, and find it ultimately to be liberating (and probably necessary in the long run). But it is not as neat and tidy as presented on bumper stickers and inspirational Facebook posts. There is a nice saying from Al-Anon: “Acceptance is not approval.” One can accept what has happened, without acting vengefully and in a spirit of moving forward, but there’s something to be said for learning from harmful behaviors (dishonesty, selfishness), remembering so as not to repeat them. Sometimes others show us what not to do.

Thanks for writing, and I wish you the best in your journey of healing. I hope you find a girlfriend and friend who treat you with the honesty and integrity you deserve. I suggest you treat yourself as a very good friend who is suffering, which is more consideration than you received, sadly, from the two who betrayed you.

Kind regards,
Darren

It can be hard to know for certain whether what you have been experiencing is, in fact, a series of previously repressed memories or something else. It is very possible to rediscover memories that have been tucked away and buried for years and not just traumatic ones. Sometimes a smell, a sound, a place, or an experience brings something back to us in vivid detail that had previously been hidden. Sometimes we just get a glimpse of it, an impression, but the effect can be quite unsettling and even disturbing.

I have had the experience of suddenly recalling an event from decades earlier with vivid detail. I had to call a family member to confirm if what I was remembering was accurate (it was). My event was not traumatic or upsetting; I was far more troubled by the fact of its absence than by its reappearance.

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It is possible that your memory, triggered by your experience with your friends’ children, is accurate. You may be remembering an event or an amalgamation of a series of events. It is not unusual for children to engage in play with dolls that explores sexual themes. What seems troubling is the violent nature of the play you are describing. Perhaps you were acting out something you witnessed or heard about. My hope would be that, if you had experienced something so violent in your childhood, someone in your family would have known or been aware that something had happened. Is there anyone you can check in with who might know if what you are remembering happened or who can lend insight?

In regards to your dream about possible child pornography, our dreams are often a way of processing information that we aren’t able to make meaning of during our waking hours. Your dream may be connected to an experience you had, but it may also be something else. If your dreams and memories are causing you distress, which it sounds as if they are, I strongly urge you to connect with a licensed professional to explore what may be at the root of this and how to reduce your distress in the present.

The second part of your question, however, brings up another set of concerns. You mention being drawn to abusive relationships in your older years. No matter the reasons or the root causes, this is something I strongly encourage you to get support with. If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship or unhealthy patterns of relationships, there are steps you can take to change that. A history of abuse in childhood can contribute to adult relationship patterns, but that history doesn’t limit or determine the kinds of relationships we are capable of having.

Best of luck,
Erika

Your friend is going to be hurt. There is no way around that. When you made the choice to start hanging out with your best friend’s ex without telling her, that’s when you made the decision to hide your actions, and possibly your feelings, from her. On some level you must have known that she would be bothered by it, and you chose not to tell her. I don’t say this to judge or to blame, but I think it is important to be clear about what has been happening.

She will very likely be devastated and feel betrayed by her best friend and by the man she thought she had a lasting future with. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I think you already know this.

In some ways, you’ve already made your choice. You feel this man could be the love of your life, and you’ve chosen to begin a relationship with him. I think what you are looking for is a way to share this with your friend without losing her friendship. That may not be possible. I think you are also hoping to alleviate some guilt you may be feeling about hurting someone you care deeply about. You can spend time and mental energy finding all kinds of justifications for your choices, but that’s not going to be helpful, ultimately.

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You believe this relationship could be serious and real, so why not stop hiding? Own up to your feelings. You can’t expect your friend to be happy for you, not right away, at least, and perhaps not ever. What you can do is honor your long-standing friendship by being honest with her about what is happening, and own the fact you know you have hurt her. Let her know you are sorry she is hurting, and allow her to react however she chooses to. She is entitled to be angry, hurt, and sad. I think you show wisdom in recognizing how you would feel were the situation reversed. Keep that in mind when you talk with her.

Your friend may have a hard time being around you or seeing the two of you together. That is understandable. Mutual friends may weigh in on both sides of the issue. There will be no shortage of people with opinions and judgment. She, or others, may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed of what has happened. You do not have to accept those feelings. Is it unfortunate that you have fallen for your friend’s ex? Yes. Would it have been better to talk with her before things got to this point? Sure. However, all you can do now is own your choices and move forward with honesty and integrity.

You also have the opportunity to use this experience as a chance for some introspection. Most of us have beliefs about ourselves and how we would react in hypothetical situations. I imagine you once thought that you would never choose a guy over a friendship. Those beliefs get put to the test when we are confronted with real-world feelings and experiences. When confronted by real and conflicting feelings, you chose the potential of a serious romantic relationship over your friendship. This may have been a really wise choice or a poor choice. Only time will tell if this choice was worth it. Understanding what led you to make the choice, and finding some peace around your decision, will be important for you. If you find you are struggling with feelings of guilt or sadness in the aftermath of your talk with your friend, I encourage you to seek out support from a counseling professional.

I will add one more word of caution. Consider how much you can and should trust a man who would break up with someone so abruptly after four years and within two weeks seek solace from her best friend. I am not saying that what you have isn’t real, but might you find yourself in a similar situation four years from now? I imagine your friend thought their love was the real thing, too. You are sacrificing a long-lasting friendship for an uncertain future. Make sure your confidence is not misplaced.

Best of luck,
Erika

Thanks for your question. I can only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the “keys in the bowl” game from the 1970s. It sounds like you have a strong marital connection and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would feel the same in your shoes.

Here is the key quote, far as I’m concerned: “She says it would be ‘just sex,’ we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works.” Frankly, I’m not sure that it works, period. To my mind there is no such thing as “just sex.” We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or affect, as we say in psychology. This “no feelings involved” doesn’t make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire (i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience. The question is, why?

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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship—its own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch—from a distance, of course—is that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality’s exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be different if you were in favor, but you’re obviously strongly opposed.

Are there ways in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there ways you two can “shake things up” a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her she wants to let out but is afraid? (Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)

You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks again for writing.

Best,
Darren

I really appreciate the authenticity with which you present your situation. The guilt you are feeling for writing in—and even for having the thoughts feelings you have—is palpable.

It is clear how much you love and care for your wife. You express concern about her physical and mental health and feel fearful that she will not survive long enough to grow old with you. This suggests that you want her to be around to grow old with and you know she needs to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, in order for that to happen. That said, you can’t control your wife’s choices and behaviors; you can only control your own choices and behaviors. In that vein, I think it could be helpful for you to consider engaging in your own therapy. You are dealing with fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety about the uncertainty of your marriage. This is a lot to carry around. Therapy can provide a safe place and a strong therapeutic relationship to support you as you sort through these issues.

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From your description, it does sound entirely possible that your wife could be depressed. She may also benefit from therapy. Again, you can’t control whether she goes to therapy, but you can encourage her to consider it and ask her to do it. If you do decide to enter therapy and you share the benefits of your therapeutic experience with her, she might feel the inspiration and motivation to get started herself. If she doesn’t feel ready for her own individual therapy, maybe she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you or even just come to some sessions with you and your therapist.

Of course, it’s possible your wife won’t change, or even attempt to. It’s understandable that, if this plays out, you may consider walking away from the marriage. It’s also understandable if you decide to stay, in spite of your concerns, because of how you feel about your wife. There’s not really a wrong answer here.

I guess the bottom line is this: You both seem to be hurting, and it seems to be damaging your marriage, but there also seems to be a lot of love here. If you can each make a commitment to working through this to get to a healthier place, you’ll be off to pretty strong start.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Having paranoid thoughts does not mean you are crazy. Some people have these thoughts as a result of feeling anxious or stressed. So you have company; other people have feelings like these too. Nevertheless, paranoid feelings are tough to live with and there are ways to help.

First off, you have support from your community. You are lucky that people are standing behind you. I see from your letter that your friends are trying to be helpful and reassuring, and that your family tells you that you are safe. Even though you believe them on the one hand, on the other hand you’re not always sure that they should be believed and you’re still scared. Your folks are telling you that “everything is OK,” but that doesn’t necessarily make it so. People want to make things OK for their loved ones, but reassurance often doesn’t work. It’s like someone is telling you there are no monsters, when they don’t believe in monsters but you do and you know better than they do. What they have to say may not be entirely credible to you, just as you are not entirely credible to them. You might let them know that you are grateful that they want to help, but that telling you everything is OK actually doesn’t work that well. If they truly want to help, they can start by believing that you are having upsetting experiences and that things are not at all OK, as far as you’re concerned. The top way for them to help would be to encourage you to get medical advice, perhaps by accompanying you to the doctor.

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The best course of action is for you to get checked out by a medical doctor who will give you a thorough physical examination to determine if, for example, you have high blood pressure, which can cause many different types of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, as can various types of seizure disorders. Certain substances and recreational drugs can also cause feelings of intense fear and suspicion, so if you do use marijuana, hash, meth, LSD, cocaine, alcohol to excess, etc., be aware that this is a possible side effect of drug use and tell your doctor.

You write that these experiences first began about three years ago, and I wonder if you associate this time to any other events in your life. This is a question that your doctor should ask you. You should be completely open and frank in all your responses to help find out what is going on.

Perhaps your doctor will refer you to someone who specializes in understanding experiences such as yours; that person might determine if you in fact are having paranoid thoughts, and what you might do next. A psychiatrist, if you decide to see one, might prescribe a medication that will help control your anxiety, and/or you might be referred to a psychologist or mental health counselor who will engage in talk therapy with you. The therapist will try to understand the meanings of your experiences.

Often people are frightened of seeing a practitioner who specializes in these kinds of issues, perhaps because of feelings of shame or because they don’t really know what happens in a psychiatrist’s or psychologist’s office. Some folks are afraid that if they are prescribed medication, the medicine will somehow make them different in a way that they don’t want, as though the medicine will take them over, as they also fear the doctor might. People are afraid of losing control, or a sense of themselves.

There is a lot of prejudice and misinformation about emotional issues—we tend to see things as though we are living in a movie, maybe a scary one, but not trying to find out what is going on with oneself is much scarier. Please see a doctor and let me know what happens.

Here are some things people sometimes fear about psychiatry:

1. They will think I am “crazy” and lock me up.
2. They will give me medicine that will make me a zombie.
3. They will take control of my life.
4. People will find out and look down on me.
5. It will affect my work life.
6. It will affect my love life.
7. Movies and video games make this whole subject really scary.

People are scared because they don’t know what actually happens in a doctor’s office. In fact, first you will see your regular doctor who will give you a thorough physical checkup. If the doctor decides it is warranted, you will be referred to a psychiatrist or psychologist or mental health worker. The psychiatrist might prescribe medication. The psychologist or mental health worker will talk with you, and then, working together with you, try to find out the meanings behind your fears and what to do about them.

Thanks for writing. I wish you success!

All my best,
Lynn

Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help … for both you and your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:

1. Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, “Welp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.” You might want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information’s sake—like tips on how to protect yourself financially—but I honestly don’t think that’s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)—and that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible. Even if she doesn’t agree to the couples counseling, I suggest you …
2. Get yourself a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever … so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience’s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists.
3. Attend a few Al-Anon meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member “whose drinking or sobriety is bothering” the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it’s the decisions and actions taken I’m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about “my wife’s addiction” or talk to people afterward; I’d be surprised if at least a handful didn’t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.
4. I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I’d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive “debting.”

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You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you’re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you’ve tried some or all of the above, you’ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you’re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you’re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you’re both doing something, and she’s “following along” rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different or you’re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use “I feel” rather than “you” statements; as in “I feel terrified,” “I feel hurt” by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later “hits bottom” in realizing she is in fact drowning.

You may be thinking “why is she doing this to me,” but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania, or is avoiding some kind of trauma, or is somehow addicted to the powerful “high” of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.

If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.

Kind regards,
Darren

Thanks for your thoughtful question. I’m going to do my best to answer it and to alleviate some of the concerns you have expressed.

The most important thing to address here is your statement that if your personal issues were to get out, it would be damaging to your reputation. I’m not sure how much you know about the ethics of counseling and therapy, but one of the most important guidelines is that anything that a person shares with his or her therapist is confidential (with the exception of imminent risk to self or others or in the case of child/elder/dependent abuse). There are other, less common situations where confidentiality is not protected, but those are very rare. Also, the laws may differ by state, but by and large those are the two most common cases where confidentiality isn’t guaranteed. With that said, I understand your concern about privacy and your desire to be sure that you are protected as best as you can be. I hope that this knowledge will help you to feel safer as you consider whether to seek a therapist.

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As for the next aspect of your question, it is not uncommon for people to seek out therapists with similar belief systems, especially when it comes to religion or spirituality. After all, some people tend to feel more comfortable with someone who shares those beliefs. There are some therapists who have no problem sharing their beliefs with a person considering therapy, and even those who specify their spiritual or religious affiliations up front. The other aspects you’re looking for (political, social) in your therapist might be more challenging to find, as many therapists might not feel comfortable discussing those views so early in the therapeutic relationship, if at all. It is quite likely, in fact, that a therapist will not discuss those issues, as they are intensely personal and private matters. Ethically, the therapist is not prevented from discussing personal views so long as it is in service to a person’s progress, but I would venture that many would feel that answering those questions prior to an appointment might be out of bounds.

As you already mentioned, therapy is not about your therapist but rather about you and your process. While you might feel more comfortable with a therapist who has similar views, it is quite possible that you may not find someone who meets your expectations. I do wonder why you feel that you can work only with someone who shares your beliefs. Given the laws and ethics governing confidentiality in therapy, whatever you tell the therapist (outside of the rare exceptions I outlined above) will remain confidential. Unless what you are sharing with the therapist is putting you or others in imminent danger or involves abusing others, you are protected. Regardless of political, social, or spiritual beliefs, ALL therapists are bound by this code of conduct. Not only is violating the confidentiality of a person in therapy unethical, it is illegal. That protects you far more than a shared belief system.

Your letter also mentions that you live in a small community. That factor alone makes it more difficult to find a therapist in your area who will share your beliefs because there are likely to be fewer therapists to choose from. If that is the case, I would hate for you to not seek therapy as a result. I wonder if your desire for your therapist to share your beliefs isn’t a way to limit the possibility that you will seek help if you can’t find the “perfect” fit. I hear that you feel vulnerable, and I want to acknowledge that this process can be very scary and feel risky. Indeed, it is risky to trust someone with your deepest secrets, and I applaud you for considering taking this journey.
I would also like to invite you consider your other possibilities. There are therapists who may not share your beliefs but who can be great catalysts for change nonetheless because what facilitates change in a therapeutic relationship is not shared values or similar beliefs—it’s the relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. That je ne sais quoi of the healing relationship is not something that can be predicted by anything other than a mutual willingness to engage in the process.

I encourage you to reconsider your position given the information I have shared and to at least explore some of your options. Call and make some consultation appointments. Go meet some therapists and see how you FEEL when you are with them. Talk about your concerns about confidentiality and how you feel vulnerable undertaking this process. Give them a chance to see you and be seen. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that even someone whose belief systems are unknown to you can be very welcoming, accepting, nurturing, and can be a great agent of change.

Best wishes,
Lisa

This is a gut-wrenching position you find yourself in. On the one hand, you’ve done some great work with this therapist and built a strong relationship with her; on the other hand, the work seems to have stalled because you are preoccupied with her potential departure. Should you stay or should you go?

It sounds like the therapeutic relationship is actually bringing out some of the relational issues you are working to address—fear of abandonment, distrust, and generally feeling unsafe. While it is deeply uncomfortable, and I in no way wish to minimize that, this can be a powerful way to work through these issues. The therapeutic relationship is different from any other relationship in large part because it is designed to serve the needs of one person—the person who sought therapy. You can raise the issues you are having in the relationship and deal with how they are affecting you, how they are connected to the past, how they are connected to other relationships in your life, and perhaps most importantly, how to heal from them. You do not need to be concerned with how your therapist is affected by this. If necessary, she can take care of herself through supervision and her own therapy. This relationship is 100% about you and your healing and growth.

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It seems like you are having a very difficult time engaging in this process because of the deep-seated fear you have of her taking another extended leave. Presumably, if she were to go on another maternity leave, there would be a period of time for the two of you to work on preparing for this. Maybe you could even have a joint session with your therapist and the therapist who would cover for her during the leave, so that you three could talk about where you are in treatment, how you could best be supported during the leave, and what could be worked on. While it would not be easy, this sort of process could really contribute to your healing.

Finally, while your therapist has acknowledged that she may not be the safest therapist for you due to potential maternity leaves, it seems important to acknowledge that there are no guarantees in therapy. There is no therapist on the planet who can promise, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he or she will be able to be there for you from the start of your work until you reach resolution. Illness, death, relocation, job change, and other issues can come up for anyone, including therapists, at any time. This is a frightening and painful truth about life, and this therapeutic relationship just might help you come to terms with that. I suspect that would be deeply liberating for you.

Best wishes,
Sarah