Divorce Without Remorse: When Your Ex Won’t Apologize

two people facing away in chairsI see it all the time in my work with divorcing people: the anger, bitterness, and frustration felt when one partner betrays or deceives the other with little or no remorse for their actions.

If you’re waiting for an apology or some explicit expression of remorse from your ex, pull up a comfortable chair and get ready to sit for a while. The ability to repent for an act of betrayal requires a level of evolution that most people never aspire to reaching. Saying I’m sorry means admitting fault, as does acknowledging that the action has deeply hurt another person. Both require courage and a deep capacity for empathy and compassion.

Waiting for an apology you may never get will keep you stuck, unable to move on with your life. When the need for an apology becomes connected to healing, the focus becomes your ex as opposed to yourself. It leaves you in a powerless place because you will never be able to will your ex into giving you what you so rightly deserve.

So the work for you becomes more about how to relinquish the need for an apology, accountability, or remorse, which will enable you to move on and begin picking up the pieces of your life.

Here are five steps to relinquishing the apology you’ll never get:

  1. Acceptance: Accept that life isn’t fair, that the process of divorce is riddled with inequities. Life, love, and relationships are not about being even, and you cannot make someone do something for you even in the name of love. Start to focus on how you can live with never getting the acknowledgment you deserve instead of what it means to not get it. This is one of the hardest things to do because it feels like the other person is getting away unscathed. Remember that this is about integrity; it’s not about who wins or loses.
  2. Awareness: Awaken to the truth of the person you’re dealing with. If your partner shows little or no remorse, then they may possibly be lacking empathy. Empathy is a human capacity that makes it harder to hurt other people. You may not have noticed it until now, but if you think back, it may be that a lack of compassion and empathy is not out of character for your ex. Get real with your expectations, and open your eyes to the truth of who you’re dealing with.
  3. Let go: Work on detaching emotionally from the expectation of an apology. Your need for an apology or remorse is directly connected to your emotional attachment, which makes it impossible to let go of the need to be acknowledged and honored by someone who has betrayed you. When your ex’s actions don’t matter and don’t define your experience, you are well on your way to letting go. Ask yourself if you want to be emotionally attached or if you would rather be set free from that connection. Meditate on how much energy you’re expending on this issue, and then come to terms with whether getting what you are hoping for would change anything for you.
  4. Self-reflect: Sometimes, focusing on your ex’s actions (or lack thereof) is a way to move away from focusing on yourself. What can you take responsibility for, and what can you learn about yourself from this experience? Inner wisdom will allow you to rise above this petty situation, and you’ll feel empowered in your own process. Reflect on why you need an apology or to see remorse, and why that has become such a determining factor in your ability to move on.
  5. Reframe: Your ex’s lack of remorse does not devalue your pain and suffering. Betrayal is not measured by the act; it’s measured by the pain it causes the person being hurt. Sometimes, we think the level of remorse equals the crime, but some people have horrible regret for even the most benign acts. Reframe your ideas about remorse and apologies as things to appreciate if they happen, but not essential to your process. A lack of an apology is more a reflection of the person not giving it than of the person who was wronged.

© Copyright 2014 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Andra Brosh, PhD, BCHN, therapist in Pasadena, California

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Heath

    Heath

    September 22nd, 2014 at 1:22 PM

    I guess I am not so much waiting for an apology but for an explanation of where things went so terribly wrong but at this point I am beginning to think that this is not something that I am going to get either. When you are blindsided with the enws that she wants a divorce abd you really have no clear answers as to why, it is so frustrating especially when you would like to try to work things out. But how are you even supposed to do that when there is no direction in which you can even begin? I don’t know, it’s pretty crappy no matter which way you look at it and there will never be anything easy about it but I think that is I at least had some good reasons why this was happening then maybe I could do a little better job with the acceptance part and moving on.

  • nellie

    nellie

    September 26th, 2014 at 7:10 PM

    I have struggled for two years now with the betrayal of my husband after 30 years of what I thought was a fairly good marriage. I recommend all of you to work on yourselves and not the reasons they did his. My husband was unremorseful for more than a year, but I realized I needed his apology to continue our relationship not to heal. To heal, I neede to be able to accept what he did and that he wasn’t sorry and at that moment I also realized I could heal without him, I could chooso move on withou most painful help came from the book “The courage to forgive and the freedom not to”.

  • Bobbi

    Bobbi

    November 3rd, 2014 at 8:03 AM

    I totally agree on you with this…it’s no the apology I want but the why and what that lead up to it! I mean if both individuals wanna stay together and work it out stuff needs to be layed out and talked about! I expect it’s gonna be uncomfortable to talk about, maybe not so nice and it will probably hurt feelings but now more than it already has! Atleast then the couple can move forward together on a clean slate…they say don’t think it’s you but honestly how can we not, so if it is me I would like to do what I can to fix it….and if it is him and he still wants me I want to do whatever I can to help him! But that person needs to be ready to put the whole truth out there, make yourself vulnerable, and deal with the uncomfortable feeling that comes along with otherwise their either not ready to share their dirty little secrets yet or don’t want to! Wish You the best of luck, thanks for sharing!

  • ang

    ang

    October 16th, 2016 at 5:04 AM

    She may not understand why in order to give you an answer. It maybe more of a right brain thing that she has no words for yet. So asking will just make it worse.

  • manny

    manny

    February 14th, 2019 at 1:30 AM

    well today is valentines day and it was today that i found out the truth about why my marrage of 20 yrs didnt work out. Apparently she never loved me,she liked me were her words. I spent a whole lifetime trying to figure out why she was so unaffectionate to me,we hardly ever kissed throughout our whole marrage and i wondered why i went and did the silly cand stupid things,not paying bills,not worrying about saving money those sort of things and continued to do so even after we had children. That was inexcusable for me to have continued this lifestyle while i was married and had children but for some reason,i was still unhappy and continued to be reckless wiyh our finances and i accept responsibility for my actions but she has my entire life found reasons to blame me and once i had sorted that issue out she would seem to have a never ending supply of reasons why. I asked her if she thought that by not loving me and not being able to show me any affection that maybe her actions causewd me to behave the way i did and was confronted with,her inability to love me or show any affection was irrelivant,thats right,irrelivant. I askede her if she thought by not loving me it was wrong to have commited yourself to marrage if you didnt love or know if you loved me. She insists that she has done nothing,not a thing wrong. I was speechless and am still pondering her words while as i speak she is out on a date with a man who in just one week seem to be falling in love with and commented to her that she never acted that way towards me and even i can tell shes head over heals and im sitting here wondering what is wrong with this picture. I am devestated to say the least but even more so when she refuses to accept any blame whatsoever for any of her actions. I wonder why there was such a void in my life that i could never understand but know realise why

  • Asher

    Asher

    September 22nd, 2014 at 3:12 PM

    Sure I may have been wronged, but this is the last person that I want an apology from. Their words have been meaningless all along, so whyt would I put any credibility in what they have to say now?

  • Don

    Don

    September 4th, 2016 at 4:30 AM

    My ex cheated on me emotionally and became very selfish and angry at me when I found out. We sold our home and she took everything she could!
    I’ve never seen someone become so mean with no empathy at all
    Get rid of people like that out of your life or they’ll destroy you in the long run

  • mike

    mike

    November 14th, 2016 at 6:45 AM

    When you say she cheated emotionally, it makes me think we are in the same boat. After 20 years of marriage my wife carried on a series of conversations on facebook with an old friend, for 3 weeks, it stopped because i found out. They had 321 text messages and they ranged throughout the day morning noon and night. She denied it, first saying it wasnt that much, then saying it was innocent, and that they talked about basic things. I eventually confronted him, i actually knew him longer than she did, she had worked with us for less than a year and had not seen him in 12 years, which is why i was suspicious. He said they talked about our marriage problems and he actually had the nerve to ask me if i listen to her. They both conveniently deleted the messages, so there goes any proof. She denies any wrong doing, even though it takes two to tango. if i try t find the messages she threatens divorce, which is another thing that is suspicious. Cheating spouses suck.

  • yetta

    yetta

    January 5th, 2018 at 4:27 AM

    Asher what powerful words, my ex lied throughout our 15 yr together breaking the trust very early in the marriage. his words were always meaningless. I was face with the same situation as Don the emotional affair as my ex would call it had been a full blown affair for more than tow years. I learned so much about who he really was during the divorce. but there were so many signs the entire 15 yrs of being with him. Behavior is so hurtful. The lack of empathy stated in the article was there from the beginning. Best gift is that I no longer have to deal with him because I couldn’t spend another 15 yrs with him.

  • AMW

    AMW

    September 18th, 2016 at 3:05 PM

    Exactly! An apology requires a mature, responsible person with humility, good character and a conscience. Waiting endlessly for an apology from a person who betrayed, used and hurt you is futility, and indicates a lack of recognition of their baseness.

  • Lizzie

    Lizzie

    April 15th, 2017 at 1:38 PM

    After 6 years I had to go, no warning – according to him. He refused sex, saying he lost his desire shortly after we married, said I wasn’t submissive enough, he spent a lot of time talking to old girlfriends while I worked and said I was too insecure, I had no bank account and was the only one who worked. He said we were married in God’s eyes, never legally so he kept his benefits. He refused over and over to legally marry me. His old girlfriend called me a Fu**Ing a**hole and he came to her rescue saying she was the victim in all this when I moved in his house. He did not let me talk or wouldn’t listen: “this is not the time or place,” “I am not listening to you,” “I want you to be quiet.” He also refused to tell me about his kids, grandkids, his day, etc….”I don’t feel like repeating myself.” I found out he was sharing his emotional life with his female friends – there were 4 that I am aware of. I call that emotional affair. He never said “I love you.” It was “luv ya.” He also said that to everyone. I heard him tell his female friends “I love you.” So a week after I had major surgery(and was relegated to the couch because my pain was preventing him from sleep) I had my kids help grab what I could and I moved to a woman’s shelter. I have waited 4 months for an apology, only to find out in a letter he wrote me that he blames me and seriously thinks he is innocent!!!!! I was SO IN LOVE with him and he is just a jerk. I did everything for him, and he said I was “it” and that he “talks a good game, but didn’t f**k ‘Michele’.” I woke up, I started paying attention to what he said and did. My body was screaming at me and making me sick to the point of surgery (ulcers) before I woke up. He will never apologize, will he? He will never blame himself, will he? To others he is the sweetest man born, I used to feel so lucky. Now I am 56 years old and terrified of men. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want what I had.

  • Lrice

    Lrice

    April 17th, 2017 at 6:39 PM

    I have to agree, Being wronged and hurting wondering what happen. Saying I’m sorry really isn’t enough their is no merit as lies, entangled webs were weaved,hidden ing efforts and change of pace . Holds no I am sorry I truely am , cheating is not an accident it is a choice! If you truely love whom your with ,there are no times for others in your life without your spouse ! Sorry I will never believe,you lied to me and you haven’t earned the trust back. No Merit With me and empty promises, I’m sure those are lies as well. Trust is Earned it is not givin. There is no merit in false appligys not sure I would even believe them action speak louder than words. Yours were yelled from the roof top.

  • Hollis

    Hollis

    September 23rd, 2014 at 11:12 AM

    I would love to say that I have used my divorce as a way to learn more about myself but really, it has only opened my eyes to just how crappy he treated me when we were together.

    I have gone all around this and often still wonder how I ever ended up with this person who obviously thought so little of me, and made me think so little of myself. I think that it all boiled down to a control thing, him having so much over me and then I let him. I am not too proud of that but it has shown me that I deserve better than that IF I ever choose to do this again.

    So I guess I have learned something about myself after all.

  • Catherine

    Catherine

    September 23rd, 2014 at 6:21 PM

    There are no words to describe the pain and grief that my husband causes when I found out he cheated on me in July in our house while I took our 5 yo and my disabled 83 yo mother to the beach. He blew off family vacation because he had to work. Then I found out from him that he cheated on me throughout our 12 year relationship (married almost 10), he did not love me, and he probably used me to get into the US (he is British). An apology is a waste of breath. He has lied so much that it would only be some kind of trick. He has destroyed me. I was faithful, loving, and tried so hard to be a good wife. He did the bad thing and I am the one being punished. No one is going to want me now. I wish he had killed me instead of having to live with all this pain and worthless memories. The only good to come from this is our son. My reason for living. He is what keeps me going from day to day, moment to moment. I would trade everything I have to have a real, living family.

  • Scott A.

    Scott A.

    September 24th, 2014 at 2:02 PM

    First off im so sorry for you. I too know your pain oh so well..my wife cheated on me after 17 yrs and thought nothing of it nor does to this date..does not care what her kids feel or her family. Only thinking of herself..even came out and said..she was tired of putting her kids, me family be4 her..selfish…well just know pls, not all guys are pigs..im not..best wishes to you..

  • Emmorie

    Emmorie

    September 28th, 2014 at 8:16 PM

    I totally undetstand your feelings that your life was a lie. This is very very common in cheating situations. However, you are beautiful and have many great things yet to come. Your son needs you to be a role model. When the going gets tough mom perservered! If you have or have had strong women in your life look at what they have endured. They didnt get strong because life was easy. My mom has endured a cheating first husband with 3 small kids under 4. Her next husband was physically abusive. She lost one of her children my brother when he was 18. She gone through bankruptcies, debt..Yet, she is still here. She loves her children and grand children. Her life is happy. Try focusing on the hours your happy. I bet those hours will turn into days, days into weeks and so on.

  • Juju

    Juju

    October 25th, 2016 at 4:01 AM

    Catherine, I see that much time has gone by since you’ve posted this message so I hope that you’ve had a change of heart about your pain. What I mean is that its never to late to find love or to open your heart again. What you ex did is indeed sh*tty. My ex, after 13 years and 2 kids together, found a new love and after 2 weeks with her, he was through with me. He left me in his country (not English speaking) while he moved in with her back in the States. I had to reinvent myself, make friends, learn a new language and raise 2 kids…basically without him. Then after 7 months, he wanted joint custody. Anyway. I found a way to heal, to date, even to love after all of that. I’m nearly 50 so its really never too late.

  • maggie

    maggie

    October 28th, 2016 at 7:41 PM

    hi there Catherine.. do you know what.. you can get better.. you really can! Find something you love ( musical instrument, crafts, gardening or helping a charity and then find others who love it with you and you will start little by little to find who you are in that. ve been betrayed and hurt and felt im at the end but then i find myself loving people again. I dont have a loving family ( wish i did!!!) but i started a drop in for lonely people some years back and i love seeing lives change and find hope. I actually like myself now although ive been treated badly by many family members… but things change. I trust God, I love people, i love animals, I am healthy ( I went vegan to stop cruelty to animals and my health skyrocketed!!)… things change so please take thingsday by day and find someone to laugh with and share with.. but start by giving and you will be amazed…. God bless… pls- I am british and my fist boyfriend was american and boy- did he cheat on me- ha ha!! All long ago forgotten, but I still wouldn’t trust him” with a barge pole” as we say over here.. lol xxx

  • Toni

    Toni

    October 30th, 2016 at 10:21 AM

    I understand your pain. It’s agony. Here is what I am learning- it was our choice to live and put up with them. I would never wait for a man I did not know before he went to prison 4-1/2 years because he told me he accepted Christ and was going to be the husband I always wanted. Nor would I put myself ever again in a family that did not accept me because I loved him and came along side him and believed in him. His family took all that I did and twisted it (my kindness) until it stunk. He abused and broke EVERY promise to me within five months of his release. He not only abused me, he cheated and three me away like garbage! On top of it all he is hiding his assets in his dad’s name and wants half my house….i still wanted to work things out! It’s a self-worth and esteem issue and I can’t believe I was doing this to myself! When you realize it’s not them….you control the direction of your life you learn through the process. Being used by God feels good. Being used by people (mortal man) is something different. It sucks. Straighten your crown get back in tune with your creator and let Him go. You don’t need him you never did. He needed you and he’s into his next victim. Let a nice man into your life and I will say this…it will feel uncomfortable because we have been doing it all wrong. Start at the beginning of the book. Get to know them first. See if they are trust worthy. See if you can rely on them. See if they are honorable of commitment. Then they can touch you! All this takes time! Your life in someone else’s hands besides God’s needs to be worthy of you!

  • Lizzie

    Lizzie

    April 15th, 2017 at 1:46 PM

    Sounds familiar. Mine is an ex heroin user, converted Christian, has certificates in Christian study. He hid assets and took and hid my money, bought all kinds of tools and stuff for him and his kids and wouldn’t even buy me a birthday card (he pulled a card from a church charity pile.) I am disgusted in what I allowed myself to believe, that he loves me…HA!

  • jonna

    jonna

    September 24th, 2014 at 3:53 PM

    Oh Catherine how terrible this must be for you! But that part about no one wanting you? That is so not true! Look at all of the good that you do for your family, he is the one who messed it all up and not you. Karma comes back around and will certainly get him when the time is right. Hang in there gorl, you’ve got this, there are a lot of people just on this site who I am sure can realte and will be praying and encouraging you through this!

  • Hope

    Hope

    September 25th, 2014 at 2:20 PM

    I have to live with the fact every day that I contributed to the break up of two marriages: my own and the marriage of my current husband. I know that we both went about this all wrong and made mistakes that hurt a whole lot of people, but don’t we deserve a chance at happiness too? We have apologized, said we were sorry, paid our debts so to speak and yet there is still no forgiveness. I think that both of us have done our part to atone, and I think that we are in a good place in our own marriage. So when do we get to live for us again adn stop feeling like we are still having to make amends for the past?

  • Carolina

    Carolina

    September 26th, 2014 at 4:36 PM

    I think that your need for forgiveness is just a reflection of your own guilt . You know what you did wrong and yet you think that saying you are sorry is paying your debt. It isn’t. And try taking responsibility for your actions instead of saying you both “made mistakes.” You both knew perfectly well what you were doing when you were heartlessly breaking up two marriages by your selfish behavior. Once a cheater always a cheater.

  • Reginald Ndokotola

    Reginald Ndokotola

    September 27th, 2014 at 1:38 AM

    Sometimes an apology is not enough to make amends. The person you have apologised to stares everyday at the mess you have made. Your apology is not what is needed but time which heals wounds

  • Jenny

    Jenny

    June 29th, 2016 at 10:39 AM

    You know something? I have been asked out by married men and say ‘ no thanks I don’t do married men’ if only other women had the same mindset ( and men) happiness can never spring from other people’s misery. I was a child of divorce and was raised by grandparents with neither parent keeping in touch at all. I said I would never take a child’s father for the very reason that I know how hurt a child would be. Only God can forgive so try asking Him.

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    June 29th, 2016 at 4:34 PM

    I completely agree with you. As women we should have enough self respect and self worth not to get involved with a married man. While I still blame my ex husband for his affairs, the mistresses were a part of it. Although they were nothing special and just available to feed his ego. My ex husband vowed to cherish and love me and protect me. He did none of this. But you know what they say SIN MAKES YOU STUPID. I have recovered and I have healed but the pain he inflicted on me and his son will never be forgotten. He must ask God for forgiveness. I will never communicate with him again in my life. He must now face the consequences of his actions. Whores come and go but family is forever. He made his choice and must now live the result of it. That means his only son won’t have anything to do with him and he must live with that.

  • Sam

    Sam

    August 15th, 2016 at 7:44 AM

    @Hope.. i understand what you are going through.. i beleieve u deserve that .. sorry to say that.. even i am on the same situatiok where my wife cheated on me.. and still cant beleieve she cheated on me.. whatever you wanted to do .. you would have gone out of the marriage and would have done.. thats why we call it as Marriage.. its a commitment.. and you have to be committed in all lows and ups together.. you took a shortcut to get away from situation.. i am at the receiving end.. and its really painfull.. the person u have trusted the most has cheated on you.. it hurts..
    Anyway for u .. its only ur happiness that matters..

  • Terry

    Terry

    September 30th, 2016 at 4:48 PM

    An apology FROM the adulterer? NOT!!!! It’s ONLY for you to try and CLEAR your OWN conscious. YOUR OWN. It is Not to make the betrayed to feel better.
    My soon to be exwife had an affair with her sister’s husband. Her Brother in law. And NEVER told me of it. After 14 years of her saying I was lacking intimacy I can guarantee beyond a shadow of doubt that the lack of intimacy was not of my doing. Her guilt for NEVER telling me? I think so. It ate her up and she tells me after 25 years of marriage and 4 beautiful kids, the she wants out to be back with this guy. He was married twice and even had an affair while married to my sister in law (second wife), AND NOW he’s having an affair with my wife. They’re getting divorced too. How EFFED up is that?
    NO. DON’T apologize. Don’t you dare try and make your soul-less self feel better.
    I don’t sound too bitter eh?. LOL.

  • Maggie

    Maggie

    September 26th, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    I truly despise my husband- he is so hateful. He puts me down. For 40 years. I wish I could leave! So much stress – and incompatible from the start. Why did Icstay? I don’t know. Miserable.

  • Donna

    Donna

    October 2nd, 2014 at 4:42 AM

    Maggie, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this hard time and feel so miserable. Please know that it’s never too late to find happiness.

    I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband, but I felt too scared to leave. I went to counseling so I could find the strength to leave him.

    When we did divorce, I felt like I got a “get out of jail free” card; it was amazing to finally be free of his oppression! I’ve been happily remarried for 10 years now, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I left my ex and was able to find my current husband. Life is so much better now.

    You deserve to be treated with respect and to feel good in your own home. I hope you’ll consider going to counseling to start to feel better about yourself and gain some perspective on why you’ve stayed so long with a man who makes you miserable.

    A good therapist can support you as you decide what you want for yourself and your future. (And if the first therapist doesn’t feel like a good fit, please don’t give up. It can sometimes take a try or two to find one you click with.)

    Good luck to you. Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy!

  • Tracy

    Tracy

    May 2nd, 2015 at 12:14 PM

    Dear Maggie
    I stayed too for 33 years. I stayed for everyone but me.

  • Sarina

    Sarina

    September 27th, 2014 at 11:28 AM

    My biggest pitfall that I have fallen into is that I in some ways, ok a lot of ways, want to see him hurt the way that he hurt me but I don’t see that and in essence it is driving me a little crazy. he has caused all of these bad things to take place but he is still able to go about his business with seemingly no hurt and the rest of us are paying the price for that. Why shouldn’t he have to go through some of the same stuff that we have had to endure?

  • Jen

    Jen

    May 30th, 2016 at 7:55 AM

    Sarina-
    I couldn’t relate to you more. Curious what your update is now with your situation. My ex is same…left me with my 5 yr old with special needs and 3 year old. It’s 20 months later, divorce final, and he is still with the young girl. No remorse. No apology. No willingness to even have 1 honest conversation. He has moved on and has put this girl first, leaving the rest of us to live with the damage and the pain. He checks in once in a while with the kids and pretends he’s “dad of the year” but the reality is so very different. We pick up the pieces, we feel the holes…he has destroyed so many people for the rest of their lives…yet why does it make sense that he has happily trotted off with this young w**** while we live with the reality? Very unfair. They do say that within a few years reality will sink in…but I’m not so sure. I’ve been told my ex is a sociopath with zero remorse and just a manipulator.

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    May 30th, 2016 at 10:05 AM

    Jen
    They will never show any remorse or compassion or an apology. Their selfish , evil behavior and traits are cast in stone. They will never change. No therapy, counseling or medication will make them better . I am now over 3 years out, 2 years divorced. I never got a closure or an explanation. Even after 20 years he just went on with his life and his little w****. Now, I accepted the truth, I accepted I was married to a sociopath with absolutely zero empathy. My no contact , my silence, my ignoring him is my closure. On my terms and conditions and this where my control and power comes from. I refuse to react to him, I refuse to answer to him or engage in any sort of communication. I also know that this would be very difficult to do when sharing minor children. In my opinion the day he walked out on us, he lost every right to his son and to his family. Cheating is s choice. It’s selfish , evil and destructive. I have recovered. My son is in college and does not talk to his “father “. A man who is capable of walking out is not a father. Period. I am not sure if they are happy or not. In my opinion nothing makes th happy. They are always in search of new “ego kibbles”. Kibbles the little w*****feed them. I am not a source of supply for him anymore. Thank God. Staying strong, staying silent to their insults , living your life well and ignoring them is the best “revenge”. And thank God that you don’t have to deal with evil any longer.

  • Jen

    Jen

    May 30th, 2016 at 6:06 PM

    Thanks Kaya50-
    I think you are right. Well, professionals have told me you are right. It’s just astounding and very difficult to accept (even 20 months later) that the kind, sweet empathetic, adoring man I once thought I was married to, was never really there. It’s almost like living a nightmare. You’re right…I am sure if I didn’t have young kids, I would’ve easily just cut him out of my life and never spoken to him again. But, with the young kids it’s impossible. I would’ve loved to have extracted him from our lives (my kids, too) because his inconsistent “Fathering” only gives them pain and confusion…it’s like “death by a thousand cuts” for them and a clean break would’ve been kinder to them (to all of us). Especially now that he has his girlfriend around them…it’s like the wounds are being ripped open again and his choices are rubbed in our face. I try to do the “right” thing and encourage the kids to have a relationship with their father (all of my reading and therapy suggests this is the right thing to do) yet…it feels to me like I’m putting my kids in ultimately, a bad position. After all, eventually his mask will slip with THEM, too….and having me encourage a relationship (so they can fall in love with him all over again) I think will only magnify their heartache when they figure out he lies to THEM as well, and he puts his girlfriend’s needs and his own needs ahead of his own CHILDREN. I frankly don’t agree with our current society’s mantra (“every child needs a father in their life – no matter WHAT.”) But, it’s our societies mantra nonetheless. And legally, I have to give him his time w/the kids. It is the thing that kills me the most…I can offer him extra time with his kids 100x and he will say “no” (b/c he’s with his girlfriend) but he loves to insert himself in their life on his minimal legally required time….I TRULY don’t think it’s because he cares about his kids…I think it’s because it makes him LOOK good to others (to post pics of himself/kids on Facebook). The more I learn about him and his lies over the years (since he was a child it seems) the more I agree with you. A lot of people use the word “pathological” freely but sadly, I have now experienced someone who truly IS pathological and when you’re actually faced with it…it’s scary. So scary that still….20 months later I go through periods of disbelief. But then again…over and over he’s continued to be caught in lies, upon lies (he lies even when he doesn’t have to – it’s practically more comfortable for him to lie than to simply say “yes it is raining today.”
    Curious if your ex stayed with the “other woman” (in my case, GIRL). These relationships typically blow up pretty fast but it’s maddening to me that this whore is still hanging around (because now she’s around my KIDS and that is just very difficult for me to tolerate). It frustrates me that the law PROTECTS these abandoning spouses, but doesn’t protect the CHILDREN from the Affair Partners….to me that seems INSANE. Just crazy.

  • Leigh

    Leigh

    July 12th, 2016 at 9:03 AM

    I did make my ex go through what he put me through in spades! I had my vengeance on him and her by destroying both their reputations in the eyes of their siblings, family and friends on social media. For 6 months I barraged them both on social media with the private messages of their affair that he thought I would never see. By the time they finally met there was no relationship to be had between them. Now he lives alone at 60 and vows to never love again. I will say this though, It did me no good either. Yes he got the karma everyone said he would but just like this article I still sit and wait for an apology from him which will never come. I am 65yo, and we were together for 10 years during which he treated me like crap while I did everything I could to make him appreciate me. It took many months but I did make him pay .. and I lost most of my friends and some of my family and a lot of me doing it. I am healing now, letting go, hardest thing I ever did. It wasn’t worth the effort.

  • Nikki

    Nikki

    July 25th, 2016 at 12:21 AM

    I understand and feel your pain. I have had a turbulent 10 year relationship with my partner. I have let a lot of things go over the years mainly because we are joint tenants on the mortgage and I put the majority share in. In fact he put very little in. I have done mainly everything in the house but, giving him his due he has worked. I guess he opted out of this relationship when he decided to spend 50 hours a week gaming on the computer…..stupid me just put up with it. Then comes the the blindsiders ……….while I was away with my children he was cultivating an affair with another women. I knew something was wrong when I got back as he has a tendency to lie…..plus he had been drinking a lot and I mean a lot which is never good..anyway he got so drunk one night he left his computer on and that’s when I found all sick messages and lies he’d been telling this other woman and all the nude photos he had taken of himself…..God knows what he has done with them. When I confronted him he denied everything then when I showed him some of the proof he went absolutely raging mad. Told me it was all my fault I had caused this because I was a control freak I had made his life hell…..oh yes opting out of responsibility and playing 50 plus hours a week gaming is surely making his life hell! Now I’m in the position that I can’t afford to buy him out so have to sell the house…….we are still living here and it’s a nightmare….last week he got drunk every night we ended up rowing and then he said he was gonna take me for half of everything I had….which technically he can as we never had a brief write up what we put in. Today I can’t get out of bed I’m on a roller coaster of emotions I just don’t know where to start to deal with all this crap. I should be in work today but cannot think straight, I feel so alone. My partner (ex) went off yesterday so he says to Weymouth said he would be back Wednesday apparently he took time off work but, I actually think his meeting the other woman as in one of the messages he did agree to meet her. My life is falling apart , I’m screaming on the insides. I’ve tried to keep it together that’s past few weeks but I’m losing control. Both my mum and dad are ill my mum now has a form of dementia and my rock who was my aunty died of cancer in 2014. I feel I’m on the edge of a cliff. When will this nightmare end.

  • Leigh

    Leigh

    July 25th, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    To Nikki
    It does end. But first you have to go through all the stages to reach acceptance. Mine took me 9 Months and I did not as most suggest go the no contact route. In the beginning that is what he wanted and I refused to give it to him, no ma’am, he was going to feel my pain. After he put a restraining order on me and got the police involved I still wouldn’t quit telling him to go ahead and have me locked up. It was then that he and I started talking about reconciliation and for a while it looked promising but soon I started to realize that he was no longer the man I once knew. That man was a ghost, one that I was fantasizing in my head who no longer existed. I started seeing him for who he was now and I didn’t like what I saw and that’s when I went no contact on him and started moving on. He is pathetic, a lonely shell of a man that is incapable of loving anyone other than himself. You will get there .. don’t quit now, lord knows I was close to doing things that I never thought myself capable of .. but time as they say does heal and if you can keep yourself intact you will come out stronger and ready to love again. Best of Luck to you Nikki. Your story resembles mine VERY closely.

  • Nikki

    Nikki

    July 25th, 2016 at 12:49 PM

    Hi Leigh, thank you for your comments. I’m really on a rollercoaster of a day. Turns out I was right he did not go to Weymouth in fact his gone in the opposite direction and gone to see this woman. The reason I know is because his used a debit card that shows his transaction at an atm. I actually don’t know why I’ve cried so much over some one I have no future with who is a compulsive liar and uses the Internet for his sexual needs. Why have I put up with shit for so long. Anyway I’m going to see a solicitor and get my ducks in a row. While his been playing away I have started to sort things out at home to keep busy. When he comes back il play the game of accepting his lies as when confronted with truth he gets nasty. Once I’ve sorted out what I will do in my best interests then the cord gets cut and I will never ever speak or see him again. I’m glad you got over your relationship and I hope you are able to move on and get everything you deserve for your future. No one deserves being back stabbed in a relationship if they wanna cheat and lie they should never enter into one in the first place or at least have the decency to draw a line under the one their in finish it completely then move on. Wishing you the very best Nikki.

  • Leigh

    Leigh

    July 25th, 2016 at 8:42 PM

    At Nikki & Lisa
    I can’t give advice. I did everything the wrong way because of all the emotions I felt, it was revenge or take my own life. I only posted what I did to show that getting revenge is bitter sweet and for some could be downright dangerous. I do not advocate it. You have to know who you are dealing with before embarking on such a course. Yes, I had all the emotions we all do, like Lisa right now, hurting so damn bad and powerless to do anything about it. The betrayal of not only a spouse but the abandonment by what you probably considered your best friend and strongest Allie. How could he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? What will become of me now my life is over? Was I to blame as he said? What is he doing now as I lay here sobbing my heart out and surely if he knew he would want to comfort me! Why isn’t he here? I need him so bad right now, perhaps more than I ever did. Maybe that’s why he left, maybe I took him for granted? Did I do that? It’s MY fault! NO.. I didn’t cheat …HE DID! It’s his fault and if he were here right now I would tell him so! He is so disgusting, all the things I read, everything he told her about me, about us! How he disrespected me, secretly loathed me and all the while he tried to make out it was all right, and then bam! .. he left and suddenly I was enemy number one! Yes Nikki .. I have been there. I got really damned angry too. In my case we owned a business together. It cost me plenty to buy him out and even still I had to shut down the manufacturing operation because of skills he had that I couldn’t easily replace. I managed to hold on to the sales side and still run it today, but yes, I had to sell all the equipment at auction to pay down debts and I am still 100K in the hole. Does he care? Not a bit. So he burned through the money in less than 6 months and now he is back working for a living, living in a small apartment by himself, having trouble paying his bills, and the other woman .. she dumped him. Karma for sure and he need not be looking my way .. no way I am having him back or helping him out. I went after him with such fury as hell had not and I didn’t care what it would cost me. I left life threats on his voice mail, trashed both of them to family, friends and their friends all over facebook on 2 continents. I was 65 years old… I had nothing to lose because he already took everything I had and left me to clean up the mess he made. I had one friend that stood by me throughout all of it and had it not been for her you would have perhaps read this on Yahoo news. Stay strong, do no contact, do not do what I did .. It could have very easily ended up entirely different for me. Take care Hon !

  • Jen

    Jen

    July 26th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Good posts recently. Very honest. I have a real-life story that might take a tiny bit of the sting out for some of you. I’ll start by reminding you…that I’ve been through the same (husband who I thought adored me/kids/family just turned on me overnight once I caught him cheating). The hardest part (after the initial trauma/shock/devastation which lasted a good solid 1.5 yrs.) was the SECOND dose of “trauma” when he recently started bringing the girlfriend around my kids (6 and 4 yrs. old). ANY other woman I could tolerate…but it is HER. The younger girl he cheated on me with…the one who he said “had nothing to do with anything” as of course, his cheating/leaving was MY FAULT (we’ve heard this story before). So here’s the updated story….and by the way I’ve done pretty much everything you’ve all done/thought/felt (mostly the bad…writhing around trying to get a hold of the awful situation over the last 1.5 /2 yrs.)
    I caught up w/an old friend, who was the “other woman” about 7.5 yrs. ago. The guy she started dating (and eventually married soon thereafter) was married at the time w/2 kids. Me and my girlfriend were in our 20’s and the truth is…I NEVER condoned cheating (I think cheaters are disgusting) but I remember being fed the lines at the time “ohh….Dave worked on his marriage…he really tried…his wife was awful to him….he stayed yrs. longer than he should that’s how great of a guy he is, etc.” Being in my 20’s at the time, I just took that “STORY” at face value and believed it. Now of course, years later (I’m 42 now) I realize that MY husband’s “Other Woman” is likely telling all of HER 20-something friends the same exact thing. And they are a perfect “comparable” because her now husband (the guy who cheated and bailed on his wife/kids) was also “Mr. Nice Guy.” These men come off as the nicest, sweetest guys on the planet! At least, many of them do!
    So, when this girlfriend learned what happened with my husband cheating/leaving, she kept calling to check in on me. And I HATED hearing her “life is perfect” updates. I’d look on their Facebook and see pics of she and her now husband, their 3 new kids, and his 2 older kids from his prior marriage…all around the thanksgiving table. When asked, my girlfriend said his kids didn’t talk to him for 1-3 years after they got married, but eventually “they learned to accept it and now they are really close.”
    Selfishly, it HURT me to hear her story…because now I saw her only as “the other younger woman” and I felt so sorry for her husband’s initial wife, who he left behind (and kids).
    Well, today I received an email from her.
    They are having marital problems (their kids are now about 4 and 6 – my kid’s ages).
    They might divorce. She wouldn’t elaborate but from what I could muster, someone cheated. And, they had “been in denial about many issues since the beginning of the marriage – they buried things that are now coming up.”
    I have to admit it…it helped me to hear this.
    These people who steal husbands away are weak and sad creatures…it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
    These men who turn off their wives like a light and turn them into the “enemy” to boot…well, they have weak character. Low integrity. There’s a WAY to leave someone and it doesn’t involved cheating and bailing without remorse and sprinting off happily with your mistress.
    Those relationships NEVER work out. It can take years (my old girlfriend’s case…7 years….and just 1.5 yrs. prior she thought they were GREAT).
    But, they never work out.
    The universe has a way of working things out. It’s super sad for the marriage and family…for the kids who suffered and grew up in a broken family (and for what….NOTHING.) But, I guess we can’t control the selfish and immature choices of these men. We can only trust in god and the universe that people who live with integrity will ultimately be ok.
    Don’t get me wrong, I did MOST things wrong in the last 2 years (in reaction to the situation) but all I can do from here is to try my best to live as full a life as I can, be as good a mother as possible, and let god take it from there.

  • Nikki

    Nikki

    July 26th, 2016 at 9:19 PM

    To Jen, Leigh and Lisa,
    As I sit here in bed alone writing this it helps to a degree reading your posts. For me this is still raw…….it’s 5am in the morning and proper sleep is evading me still. I have to somehow manage to go into work today get through it even though my head is processing all sorts of mixed up thoughts….from him sleeping with her to him I know having to come back as at the end of the day he works down here to a mixture of I need to be nice so he is stable to the fact I actually hate what his done all the lies and the fact I’m ashamed of what I’ve put up with over the years and let go to end up being cheated on……..I have a good friend who I am seeing today who I have off loaded onto and she has been fantastic but she has a husband and 2 kids and basically her life is good they are good people……..so I feel it’s to much to overload her with…..basically I’m feeling alone in this even though I know I’m technically not. It’s helps wring stuff on here. By the way I’m 50 and to be here in this position that’s not my fault sucks…..Men are shits really, what you say about integrity is true I have not done this I am not a liar and I will get stronger . I am glad I have found this website and although it hurts reading your posts I know you all know because you’ve been there what this is like…….as Christine Aguilera says makes me that much stronger, makes me that much wiser, makes my skin a little bit thicker so I have to thank him for making me a fighter……..any way once again thank you for your posts and honesty ladies it does help.

  • Tina E

    Tina E

    August 8th, 2016 at 8:05 PM

    I am here now (9 days since his affairS were revealed) and your story gives me inspiration. I know that vengeance is the Lords but I keep wanting to help him out. I am battling with turning it completely over to God because I want to hurt him how he had hurt me! Yet, I don’t feel vindicated at the end of today and all that I have done as “pay back”. I need more advice on not being revengeful.

  • Leigh

    Leigh

    August 9th, 2016 at 8:07 AM

    Tina and Others
    Its been 9 Months for me since he left and we were together 10 years. My vengeance was for several reasons and none of it revolved around his leaving our relationship. I believe people have to do what they have to do and sometimes a relationship doesn’t work out for many reasons. In my case though it was not a simple split and everyone gets to start over. In this case only he got to start over and I was left to pick up the pieces of our business, our property, and my life which at then 65 years old I felt was too much to bear. He could have done things differently, he could have made it easier for me to carry on, he could have warned me from a business perspective what his plans were and when he intended to carry them out. He was after all a key man in our business and he was the only person who knew how to run many of the hi-tech machinery which was his plan all along, refusing to train employees properly to take over in the event he was not able to work, or just left. Instead he kept it all a secret and dumped it on me and enjoyed watching the melt down as he forced me to go to the bank and plead with them to loan me money to pay him off. He gloated as he disconnected machinery we had recently paid off that he claimed as part of his severance package, he laughed and joked with local truck drivers about how he had gotten one over on me, he took the time to disparage me among local businesses that after he left would not work with me or even speak to me. He had even told our top employee a month before that he planned to leave. And what did he tell me? Lies about needing to go find himself, needing to have a severance package to start over, lies about the level of training, loyalty and competence I would have from employees in this very male oriented work. I had no idea how to even start these machines and once he was gone it quickly became obvious that those employees that did know how had me over a barrel. I was told “I will come to work if you are nice to me” TRUE! I was paying them well over rate and twice their skill level and still I had to be nice to them! It lasted for 3 months before I finally told them I was shutting down the shop and selling all the equipment. My business income took a 50% dive and with it the value of the company and here I am still, in debt to the tune of almost 1/2 a million dollars, credit maxed out, still trying to hold it all together. I can’t sell the company or the property and I am socially cut off.
    Him? He got to keep our truck and trade it in for a new one, sold all those machines and ended up with enough money to play daddy warbucks with his friends, family and girlfriend, took a 2 month vacation to Australia, has an apartment, a nice job and thumbs his nose at me. He didn’t get the girlfriend though, I made sure of that but he is still friends with her.
    So, yes I went after him. I had my revenge and I almost had him disposed of through some of my friends. In my case though I knew he couldn’t touch me either legally or illegally because he knew I had friends in very low places. You are probably not in that situation as most are not, and therefore I do not advocate revenge. I did what I had to do and it got me nowhere. I am still trying to move on with my life, its difficult. In the end, I have very little to lose anymore but I am letting time heal me. Do not take revenge unless you are very sure he cannot touch you. Let karma work it’s magic. I had to laugh recently when I was joking on my facebook page over a picture of me sitting in a brand new Yellow convertible mustang saying that at my age I would probably get carjacked. He saw it and wrote me in email … “I pity the carjacker” …karma .. it works eventually.

  • Emmorie

    Emmorie

    September 28th, 2014 at 8:03 PM

    I have not divorced yet.. A year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me probably with more than one person. Fast forward a year later and I suspect hes doing it again. I dont want to divorce. I fear that my children will hurt so deeply. I also fear that ill be bitter and alone. Part of me says id rather be miserable in the marriage(he doesnt seem to be miserable) than potentially be miserable and have my kids be hurt if I divorce. Any thoughts on regret of divorce after finding out the spouse cheated?

  • Judy

    Judy

    December 4th, 2014 at 9:21 PM

    Emmorie,
    You deserve happiness and to be treated with respect. Think of your children, you don’t want to teach them that this is what marriage is. And don’t fool yourself into thinking your children don’t sense your unhappiness. Show your children what a strong, self respecting woman you are; they will look at you with admiration. They deserve to see their mother smile again. Chin up, young lady! It does get better, I promise! ;)

    J-

  • meggi

    meggi

    December 20th, 2014 at 7:11 AM

    Mu husband hates me and we getting divorce.He left me abd my daughter on vacation and ended our 7 year marriage via voice msg.I could not reach him: he changed phone nr. cut creditcards and expected me to stay abroad, telling me I did the”unspeakable”.Still dont know what it was.1 week after he already” felt in love” and had a girlfriend.He told lies about our marriage and me to everyone to justify his actions.1months later I came back to USA.he took us back home(stupid me) and 5 days later dumped us again in a cruel way.no remorse, no sorry. pure evil heart.put me down and humiliated me for one week, also ignored my daughter who loves and admired him. he blamed all on me telling me we were done 3 years ago. i got pregnant in this 5 days aswell and after that he humiliated and harassed me even more. I lost our 6 baby.again no remorse gor things he said and have do e to me snd my daughter.i never experiance so much hate, hostility.my calm, charming husband who always did everything for us turned pure evil.he made it everything about his son blaming me he lost his years with him because of me.because I supposed to care and i should suggested taking him from his mom(?).I never heard even once he
    loves him. he told me last year he wants to have him only because of money. he is very angry and hostile with his first wife too. we had him over vacation always. so now we are divorcing. its nasty battle. a lot of emotional pain for me. i noticed now after my brain fog is gone how much he lied to me. i feel betrayed, used.. no apology from him! nothing except blame on me. its hard for me to focus on my daughter, on the future. havent work for 11 years, financially broken due his lies, no place to go except women shelter or rental room. we moved because of his career 5 times in 6 years and now he got his dream job, money he dumped us in such a inhuman way. i dont understand how a person would do such a inhuman break up and dont feel anything and judtify it with lies? i tslk to him but he either doesn’t say a word or humiliates me, blames me. make up stories or distorts everything. its hard. now no he wish no contact. he distroy all my our family child pics. throw away his clothes. became a evil person towards me. …. after 7 years,5 moves,6 pregnancy loses and a very very hurt child ….

  • Chime

    Chime

    February 14th, 2015 at 12:02 AM

    Meggi, I’m very sorry to hear what you had to go through. I know how painful it feels because I’m going through the same thing. It is so hard to understand how men could treat us nice one day and becomes evil the next day. I’m still trying to find internal peace after going through the same thing you did. Try to be strong for your daughter. They are as much of a victim as we are. I hope you will find someone who truly loves and cares for you one day.

  • Terry W.

    Terry W.

    February 20th, 2015 at 2:08 PM

    My Husband has been cheating on me for three years. I had been expecting it for some time but finally found all the love letters,cards gifts, and many more articles he had been collecting throughout the affair it was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I am trying to absorb this with all my might please pray for my healing.

  • Yvette

    Yvette

    April 22nd, 2015 at 3:59 PM

    Hi. Leave everything to God, He will sort him out for you. Make sure you get close to God and teach your son about God by going to church together, reading the bible and praying. Don’t call your hubby or beg him for reconciliation, instead ask God to work on him for you. Do not revenge God will fight for you. Just relax and concentrate on you and your child. Let God be your true husband and the father to you and your child and all will be well. Do all of this and you will find peace, and once God is finished with him, he’ll regret everthing he has ever done to you and your child. He will come to you crawling begging for forgiveness. The more you come closer to God, the more peace for you and your child, and the more God will fight for you. I did all these and God fought for me, all the lies and the cruelty he did against me backfired on him. I had peace, he never found peace.

  • Morgan P

    Morgan P

    April 29th, 2015 at 3:47 AM

    Thank you so much. You touched a lost soul who needed help with betrayal.

  • Kaya49

    Kaya49

    July 28th, 2015 at 4:43 PM

    Such a powerful statement. What you wrote is exactly what I did. After my ex husband left me and his son for a you g co worker after 20 plus years marriage , I did not worry or fear. I gave it all to God. My powerful attorney assisted. I cut of all contact with my ex and 2 years later I still feel victorious. My ex lost everything. I have my peace and no one lies to me and cheats on me. No I did not revenge I let God handle him.
    Thank God for that little minion co worker. She cAn be my replacement. I got rid of this liar for good.

  • Kaya49

    Kaya49

    September 23rd, 2015 at 8:33 AM

    I absolutely agree with your comment. I left everything to God. No worries, no fear. He sorted it out according to his plan, not my plan. Now I can see what amazing things he did with my life. He took my husband out of my life, he defeated evil. I am free now. No more walking on eggshells, no more lies and betrayals. The devil sure tried to “mess” with me. But he had no chance. I hired the best attorney I could find to fight my evil husband in divorce court. His attorney did not have a chance to win. I came out way better than I ever hoped for. We have to stay strong. There is life after divorce. Yes, my dreams for the future were crushed. But I am so blessed that I have my self worth and self respect now. As did my ex. I will never speak with him again because I do not communicate with the devil. My ex can have all the minions he desires. I don’t care. Glad he is not my problem anymore. Karma is already getting him. He is the absolute idiot now. I can laugh about how dumb he really is. And that’s my victory.
    “There is always light in the darkness. Speak victory, not fear”

  • Fire1517

    Fire1517

    April 27th, 2015 at 8:34 AM

    My ex wife’s ft me 4 days before Christmas a year ago. She was having an affair with this guy before she left. She blamed me and I blamed myself for the divorce begged pleaded and did everything wrong even after the divorce was final. I finally found out the truth. She shows no remorse no empathy and the guy she is with is bald, very fat, bad knees, high blood pressure, failing business, and the list goes on. The sick part is I still love her and want to forgive her and feel she is going through a mid life crisis. I am in the gym 6 days a werk. Have s great job making great money now. My two grown sons can’t stand Her now and I just can’t understand why I can’t get over her and move on.

  • miss G

    miss G

    September 23rd, 2015 at 2:09 AM

    There are a lot of fish on the sea. Another typical exemple of a nice dude stuck with an idiot woman and women like me here waiting on the lord for a good one. Something is really wrong with the universe…
    You are prob used to this woman and the idea of a relationship and once that was broken your sense of self went to sh*t but you are way better than her and that swamp creature she got with.
    There is another way to live life, not starved and depleated and begging for love. Someone is supposed to love you effortlessly. If I had to convince someone to be with me, I wouldn’t want to be with that person to begin with. I was ready to get divorced the day of my wedding. It took 8 years to happen ,I was happy the moment I signed that paper. It was like getting out of jail ,I could be myself finally.
    There is life after divorce
    Let me know if you would want to talk to me privately.

  • Terry W.

    Terry W.

    April 27th, 2015 at 10:36 AM

    Hi Fire1517,

    Even though you are divorce the pain is still real that is to be expected. The water is muddy now, with in time will clear up. I have turn over my pain to God trusting him completely. Pray daily and be still, listen to God he has great plans for you. Get involve with church activities and volunteer.

    Your children need a relationship with their Mother. ONE DAY YOU WILL WAKE UP AND BE PASS THE PAIN

  • Jimalo

    Jimalo

    May 19th, 2015 at 8:02 PM

    First of all I would like to say some of the comments here refer to men as unreasonable and seems as if all men cheat. I am a man who was cheated on and only found out a year ago. The pain I still go through is in bearable. I love my wife so much and she has never shown remorse and that alone pains a lot. I still feel that the day she is going to apologise sencierely I will start living again. I feel less of a man and my mental health has been compromised a lot to the point of anticipating killing myself, but I still believe in Khama and what goes around comes around. I least expected this from her and I think that has caused the most damage. So ladies and gentlemen we are not alone.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 20th, 2015 at 9:08 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Jimalo. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Terry W.

    Terry W.

    May 20th, 2015 at 7:43 AM

    This goes out to everyone he is dealing with hurt betrayal, and been missed treated by a love one.

    The word Temporal mean subject to change. The circumstances of life, your position in life, the problem you face in life are very real to you because you see them and hear them, but thanks God the very fact that you can see and touch them means they are subject to change.

  • Terry W

    Terry W

    June 7th, 2015 at 10:20 AM

    Hello All,

    Today is the beginning of the rest of your lives don’t hang on to hurt or pain give it all to God he has great plans for your life and you will come out victorious

  • Liz

    Liz

    June 10th, 2015 at 11:17 AM

    I admit i niglected the house work. I found myself busy with school or the baby. After I became pregnate sex became painful. Even after my son was born i couldnt have sex without it hurting. All of this plus my 30lb weight gain caused my husband to cheat. That first time i forgave him. And for the next 9 months he did everything from paying for sex to traiding pictures online. I left him. I got the courage to file for divorce and he turnes the church against me. The told his faimily i said he beat me. That I cheated. I showed proof of is infidelity and no one cared. I have been asked to leave a different church in a diffetent state. What should i do? He now wants to act like my beat friend while he is dating several women at once. Whu am i the bad guy?

  • Raquel

    Raquel

    June 16th, 2015 at 5:25 PM

    Hi Liz,

    Please don’t ever make excuses for that man, you are not responsible for his infidelity. His choices are down to him and him alone. There were any number of paths he could have chosen to take, none of which involved cheating, but unfortunately he chose to hurt you because he is just that kinda guy! I know it hurts but please know that you deserve better. Do whatever it takes to get this toxic man out of your life. Change churches, move house, whatever. I have found the advice on this page really helpful. The sooner we detach ourselves from these low life men the sooner we make ourselves see them for what they really are – selfish, self entitled and therefore remorseless – and the sooner we will come to accept that even if they did apologise it wouldn’t make any difference. Cos they genuinely suck as partners and we deserve to be with somebody who respects and cherishes us! Detach and keep your eyes on the prize. Good luck :)

  • Terry W

    Terry W

    June 17th, 2015 at 7:30 AM

    Hello Liz,

    Men will use any excuse to give a reason for cheating but at the end of the day it is wrong. For now draw close to God for your strength and God will draw closer to you. Take time to reflex on the positive aspect of your life. Time heal all things embrace the pain but remember it is a end date and you will come out victorious, and stronger then ever. Surround your-self with positive friends that will encourage you and remember you are worthy. No one deserve to be cheated on. Also remember what goes around come back to you your husband will hate one day he cause you so much pain.

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    July 17th, 2015 at 3:03 AM

    I “cheated” on my husband. I never got sexually physical until we split up. He found out about my new relationship with the man I “left” him for. Didn’t want an explanation of anything, just asked for a divorce. I have asked for forgiveness for hurting him, but has shown no remorse for my actions. The reason I did that is because it wouldn’t have made a difference. He wasn’t going to forgive and forget and move on not with the marriage he clearly didn’t wanted or cherished. He got a new girlfriend like 3 weeks after that. I really do disagree with everyone who will not take accountability for their spouse’s betrayal. If someone is truly happy and all their needs are met like they meet yours, then he/she wouldn’t have strayed. Once a cheater always a cheater, there is no truth in that either. It usually is the couple who says “that will never happen to me” that are so full of themselves on one part and sure of their “slaves” loyalty that gets thrown into these situations. Because you neglected to see that you neglect your partner. Your housework, kids, day job, social calender, friends whatever was more important than your spouse. Normally the spouse that gets betrayed – is the one who never really stopped to listen what the other one also wanted, in other words – where you not the one that was selfish then – seeing that a cheating spouse is selfish for seeking a better relationship elsewhere. No one will agree with me because shame you are the only victims here. Like the way you talked to your husband in that condescending tone was not one of the biggest reasons he strayed and the way you just sat in front of the television all the time and never helped around in the house or just hugged your wife for the wonderful life she provides, didn’t make her seek adoration and affection elsewhere. Yeah right. It is easy to blame the infidel for your shortcomings. Ever stop to think that we actually thought of all the people we were going to hurt if we just got a divorce anyway. It was probably the number one reason we just didn’t up and leave, obviously hoping that one day it will get better. Everyone is so quick to judge, like you have done nothing wrong EVER in your life. Spent money you shouldn’t have. Called your spouse names. Lifted your hands to him/her. Forced yourself sexually onto the person. Badmouthed him or her to your friends or family. All ways of deception. God judges all deceptions the same, why should infidelity be any different? Why should men and women judge it so harshly that there is rarely any ways around it. Did you honor all your vows from day one all the time? Did you honor all 10 commandments from the Bible all the time? People are so hypocritical. I am not saying infidelity is right, but I am saying that we are all human and just because we made THAT mistake or choice does not make us the scum of the earth, it makes us human – just like the rest of you – who have made a lot of mistakes or choices of your own. It didn’t make anyone judge you or define who you are. So why should “cheaters” be labelled? All relationships goes through hell, real relationships gets through it. Good luck to you all.

  • Sharon

    Sharon

    November 1st, 2015 at 7:11 PM

    I am sorry but marriage don’t always fall apart because we don’t listen to our spouse. Sometimes the spouse doesn’t listen to us and they rather look at porn and ruin their marriage before anything can be done. Read about how porn can re-wire your brain. It’s devastating and most women don’t even know until it’s too late. Porn is real bad and it ruins marriages. Please don’t blame the one that was hurt by this. The men are viewing porn and that’s what makes him stray. They become fixated on fantasy of the act. Read about it. Sharon

  • Jesse

    Jesse

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:24 PM

    Momof2. I was just reading all of these comments purely out of curiosity but I saw this comment and had to reply. I think many people commenting are generalizing. I can’t deny that in even the slightest bit. But as someone who was cheated on with 4 other men, physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused, called every name in the book, mocked for the death of my mother while we were together, mocked when I lost my family because they tried to steal the money from my mothers will (I’m in my late 20’s so by no means do I have everything “figured out”). This can be incredibly traumatic for someone. I have spent hours, days, and weeks at a time doing everything in my power from talk to therapists, friends, writing, music, to recover and find some semblance of normalcy again in my life to some avail, but nowhere near a “comfortable” level. I have looked at myself and my actions with the help of others, including her family, therapist and everyone possible. Because at first it was all about what is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? So other than be the only one working, cooking, cleaning, raising the puppy we had, paying for her to go party and cheat and gas and food and any activities she wanted to do. I have a hard time accusing myself at this point. I never once raised my hand, never once did I make any threat, to her or any possessions (for example, “i swear to god I’ll sell all your things back if you don’t stop yelling) never once did I put her down, call her any names, or raise my voice. In fact I hung up on her one time only And that was two days after my mom passed away and she ridiculed me for it. I don’t want to label your thoughts as if i know them or I am a professional because by all means I couldn’t be further from that. But I hear you generalizing the abused party as we never look at ourselves. This frightens me to see on here honestly because that is exactly what my ex did to me. Refuse to fully admit or accept her actions, rationalize them, and then play victim when I refuse to break down WITH her, only to act as if it never happened when I was still processing it. Through all my own (therefore credibility could admittedly be somewhat unreliable at times) but also with the help of her family and my therapist have began to understand some people (I won’t say my ex has it, I’m not a doctor and not her doctor) have borderline personality disorder. This can be broken off and run with many other disorders such as narcistic personality disorder for example. The symptoms all match up, and when you argue with someone with this disorder it can be incredibly frustrating. You are essentially talking to yourself. No one is listening. You can’t get any admittance of guilt, you can’t get any acknowledgement of your feelings, they will often either run and offer nothing in the way of answers or even simple communication, or they will fight. They will attack and attempt to hurt you and make you feel broken so they have the upper hand. They look to create an aggressive reaction in you so that it becomes a tool to use and they can play victim for how “mean and cruel” you were to them. They are often times too stubborn to ever apologize because they lack the ability to look at themselves and admit that they have hurt someone. They are master manipulators and many times like in my case and many others on here, the apologies won’t ever come. She has moved on and already had while we were together. So I say all of that simply to say that while you are right in saying many of the abused here can generalize the cheaters, I can’t help but notice you generalizing us and displaying traits of the things many of us have suffered. I do not know your whole story, I do not know you (live in California?) -that was a joke sorry- but from what your comment says to me I see you saying that your husband didn’t treasure the marriage, that he is the one that wanted to back out and never talk. You are shutting out the part about what led you two to begin talking about divorce which led to you and this other man. I know for a fact that when she wanted or needed me, I was there, she chose to leave, when she cheated and I knew nothing, I foolishly offered to stay if she would tell me the truth, luckily for me she snapped and bolted and attacked through email. So yes, some of the people on here label cheaters as scum of the earth while that is highly unfair, I agree with that, but when you say we are all victims and all this you are in turn doing exactly why you preach to not be able to stand. Luckily I was smart enough to save all the emails, texts, and messages and letters threatening to beat me up, threaten to have her friends and family beat me up, to break into my house and take everything, all the awful things she said, even when she threatened to falsify allegations to the police of physical abuse at my hands that never occurred. Because after the third time she claimed to have contacted the police, set a court date and hire an attorney all in one night (two of those nights were past 10:30pm and on national holidays so that seemed fishy to me) I knew it was time to defend myself. Now I am taking her to court, solely based off of her actions and lack of remorse and desire to continue to inflict pain. I told her all charges would be dropped if she could do one of three things, leave me alone, answer my questions free of judgement or any answer other than “ok”, or offer even the simplest apology possible. “Sorry”. Couldn’t get it. She continued and still continues to harass me even without a response from me. The work I have done around myself and standing up for myself and not being a victim has helped immensely and taught me a lot about myself and how people such as myself tend to be magnets towards people with borderline personality disorder, and has answered some questions for me from a relationship stand point. The one question that still plagues me is just in terms of humanity and respect and decency, how can someone do all that and never once have any remorse, and refuse to even be peaceful, instead of continue to try to hurt. It astounds me still. I hope everyone on here is able to find the healing they need and it’s nice to see I’m not alone in going through all of this. Take care everyone and sorry for the novel!

  • Kaya49

    Kaya49

    July 30th, 2015 at 6:08 AM

    Being betrayed is the most hurtful thing. My ex husband left me for a young co worker after 20 years of marriage. Just like that. Gets up and tells me “I am not in love with you anymore “. Stopped paying all bills , stopped paying his sons college tuition, the mortgage etc. first I was in complete shock. After a few months I needed to take action. I had to take care of myself and think of myself only. First I cut of all contact with him, changed all phone no and emails and then hired an aggressive male attorney. I was ready to go to “war”. I put my faith in God ,I did not fear anymore. I had my weapons and my shield. Now after an ugly divorce I am at peace. I won big time. My ex lost everything. His family, his money, his house. His only son hates him and all he has are the little minions he works with. He is a cop and he thought he was God. I live a happy,peaceful life now. No one lies to me,betrays me or cheats on me. His consequences are coming. He is the one who has to answer to his sins. Life throws you many storms. If you keep your faith in God, keep you head Bove the waves you will come out a much stronger person. I never knew how strong I am. This trial proved to me that no matter what you will live in the light where darkness has no place. I am glad I got rid of this liar . Because he was and will always be evil. And who needs that ?

  • Fee

    Fee

    August 18th, 2015 at 6:24 AM

    Kaya. this is a carbon copy of what happened to me. My ex is a cop here in uk.Did exactly what yours did and lost everything including his only son who hates him. Our stories are so similar, its quite bizarre really.

  • Kaya49

    Kaya49

    August 18th, 2015 at 9:28 AM

    Fee
    How interesting . I hear many stories like mine, it’s really scary. I have learned a lot during this trial. I leaned how to be strong in my weaknesses. To this day I cannot understand how a man can give up his family , his house, his money for some sex with a hot young co worker. It had nothing to do with me. I am not perfect but the fault is within him. He was so insecure and narcissistic , he had to get new “supply”. I am so happy that I found the strength to say “no more”. I had to place some value into myself. Nobody treats me as an option, especially not my spouse. He was an inappropriate spouse and inapprorpriate father. He will never have a place in our life again. Ever. 2 years of no contact and forever more. I refuse to communicate with the devil. And that’s exactly who he is. I wish you good luck . I am amazed and so blessed to have a new life. It’s beyond whatever I had hoped for. The first fewobyhs are tough, it gets better, easier and at the end you will see the truth.

  • Sharon

    Sharon

    November 1st, 2015 at 7:04 PM

    Please women it’s not what u did or didn’t do. The same things happened to me after 33 years of marriage. I found out what he was up too after he tried to tell me before I kicked him out of the house. It wasn’t that I wasn’t a good wife and not pretty enough or wasn’t doing my household things non of that it was PORN. They were viewing porn and if you look up high speed internet porn and how it ruins marriages. You have to read about it so you don’t blame yourself. Read about porn. It will release you of what you couldn’t stop and why it’s always about sex. Don’t blame yourself.

  • N

    N

    December 23rd, 2015 at 6:42 AM

    Same with me. Married nearly 14 years to a deputy. Left me for coworker 20 years younger then myself and discarded me like garbage and treated me like the devil once I found out. He refused to admit any wrong doing even to this day (two years later) after an ugly divorce. Sad situation as we have a child together. Co-parenting is difficult. He is marrying her this year. Aside from texts concerning parenting times we have not spoken. It was the most difficult and hurtful thing I’ve ever been thru and I carry serious scars… but my life is filled with so much more joy and love now and i no longer feel “crazy”. I only hope my son overcomes his father’s shortcomings. Prayers to you all!

  • Jen

    Jen

    May 30th, 2016 at 8:11 AM

    Wow “N” –

    I can really relate. Exactly the same thing here. I will never ever understand how someone could just leave their marriage and family for some young hot w**** (sorry but any girl who cheats with a married man with kids IS a w****). And to the person who said to look at ourselves for the reason they cheated…shame on you. When you are married (particularly with children) you sign up to have a discussion. You sign up to go to therapy if you are unhappy. You sign up to be faithful. I know that nobody is a perfect spouse, but you don’t sign up for perfection you sign up to treat your spouse and family with integrity and respect. That does not mean cheating and running away. That is an act of pure cowardice and disrespect (not just to the spouse but to the children). Was she really worth your family? One day these men will see that she was not. And “N” – looks like mine is going to marry his young affair partner soon as well (from the looks of things). My mother actually hopes they get married bc any relationship that starts out on a bed of lies and betrayal is doomed.

  • Pam

    Pam

    August 8th, 2015 at 10:49 AM

    My ex walked out suddenly after 43 years. No affairs, mental illness. He accidentally shot his brother when he was 12 and his brother was 8. It was never dealt with. We met and 15 and 16 high school sweet hearts, had a wonderful life with two successful sons and all of a sudden my ex had a nervous breakdown. He bolted in the middle of the night and moved an hour a way, shut everything off in our house, cancelled life insurance, cashed in 401 K and treated me as a hated stranger after that. I was devastated, hospitalized for depression. It’s been two years and I’m still a mess. I have a psychiatrist two therapists and I can’t move on. He sends me text messages from time to time, has threatened suicide. He bought and has lived in an 150 sq foot camper. We live in MN. The first winter he planned on going to AZ thinking divorce would be final immediately. I sold what I had to fight him and he lived in that tin box at 35 below zero, almost died. He will not apologize to me for what he did. He is a very sick man but today sent me a text he has a lady friend (he is impotent due to prostate cancer) but that doesn’t make the hurt less. She was married to a severely mentally ill man who died young from lung cancer and he says she talks him through his rough times. This man abused me physically on more than one occasion and verbally constantly. He suffered from intermittent explosive disorder and now I know much more than that but refuses to get help. Why do I still love this man and why can’t I move forward? He took my home away, all our money and spent a great deal of it before I could stop him. Our sons will have nothing to do with him. Old friends won’t talk to him because of what he did and how he has suddenly changed. I sobbed this morning when he told me about his lady friend. I believed in marriage for life and will never marry or be intimate with any other man. He was the love of my life. I should despise him for what he’s done to me and I do but miss him so much and am so terribly lonely. He destroyed our family. Please help me.

  • cathy

    cathy

    September 27th, 2015 at 6:55 PM

    I’m living the same hell ,all of the above ,sold my house moved away ,he don’t know where ,I love him dearly ,but he is too abusive constant anger,everything above was my life,I’m still grieving praying to be released from him,found out he is bisexual.that really ruined it for me
    Slowly trying to get my sanity.
    Malignant narcissist . : (…

  • Kelley H

    Kelley H

    June 1st, 2016 at 12:28 AM

    Mental illness sounds about right! My ex came to me 3 days before Valentine’s Day. He had already got me a present. Now I do agree I wasn’t happy, my mother died and I was being terrorized at work. But at that time I was glad to be married. That was the only place where things were half way normal. Personally I think it was Midlife crisis without the affair. He said that he wanted to do things for himself like not being bogged down with a mortgage. He all of a sudden, or perhaps it was building, that he didn’t want to be saddled with all that comes with marriage. He to moved into a small, tiny , bedroom at his friends. It is the size of a walk in closet. We had a gorgeous home almost 2200 square feet. Had been paying on the mortgage for over 12 years. Had got the bulk of the interest paid off. No explanation, just said he wanted a fresh start. That meant filing bankruptcy and him ,I am sure this will shock you, literally giving the bank the house keys. Now it’s like we were never married. Like he just cut out that part of his life like having amesia. 15 years I had known that man. Never ,for a second thought he would file for divorce. It’s said they don’t even act like a human being around the ex to be so as to know he or she is serious about this divorce. No turning back. Thats it, they have made up their mind. All of a sudden we become the enemy, its all our faults, for everything that went wrong. Um hello? You acted like you had a brain in your head when we had dinner last night. Oh and this is halereus he shaved his head bald. That was new for sure. Even though i wanted a little compassion for being railroad. I am still a mess, and all this begain February 2 years ago. It would of been better had he just died. But I tell you seeing my youngest son having a nervous breakdown, I wonder did he even care about was happening with the family? I would have to say No! His own selfish cowardly , self just didn’t care . Or rather didn’t care enough about his family to at least have the divorce more platible with all if us. I felt rejected ,and still do. I had absolutely no control of anything. I still can hardly believe that he became like a monster. Like everyone else, we just couldn’t fantim the idea our spouce would end the marriage. I wish I could go back for one day as it was. But I know that will never happen. I do wish that one day he won’t have any say in what happens to him. I am thinking nursing home, should he live that long!2

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    June 1st, 2016 at 9:23 AM

    Kelly – I can relate to your comments. Its amazing how one day, a spouse can just walk away from responsibilities and all they can focus on is themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if your spouse were to come back to you several years down the road only to tell you he regretted his actions. What I don’t get is why some men decide to be so selfish and choose to walk away from their families? Sure, it’s not easy to have responsibilities and life isn’t always a cake walk but rest assured, these men who walked away from their family responsibilities will regret their actions when they are elderly, living in a nursing home and not having any family that truly cares for their well being. I am so sorry to hear about your son and I hope he gets the help he needs to feel better so that he can resume a happy and healthy life. I hope you are able to get back on your feet and can one day down the road purchase your own home that YOU picked for you and your children. Trust me, when you get to do that, you will feel a strong sense of independence knowing you are able to provide for your family and you can stand on your own two feet without having to worry about having a spouse who will just walk away when life gets tough. Best of luck to you!

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    June 1st, 2016 at 9:43 AM

    Kelley
    That’s exactly what they become , evil monsters. My ex was the same. After 20 years he wanted his freedom , he wanted ha Harley Davidson motorcycle , his income for himself, he wanted young minions for sex. I always thought it was a severe midlife crisis. But I am sure they are narcissists , sociopaths. No empathy ,no compassion , no worries about the families they hurt and abondon. My ex thought he was so handsome and sexy that he could pick up any young woman for sex. He tremendously hurt my self esteem. He tried to destroy me. But at one point I had to accept it all, let the past go and move forward. He wanted his freedom and sex with the young minions and in the end it cost him a huge price. I did not care about him one bit when fighting for spousal support in court. I looked out for myself and did my son. My attorney did a great job. And now , after I won, I can have a peaceful live. Let those losers go and focus on yourself. I don’t want a husband who is capable of inflicting so much hurt and pain in his wife and children. I deserve so much more. I am sure when I caught my ex in his hot affair that it was not the first time. I am so grateful and blessed that I am still here today. Standing strong and tall and being in control and have the power. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

  • Pam

    Pam

    August 19th, 2015 at 4:59 AM

    Thank you Kay49 for your comments and I find yours and all these other postings so familiar in the heartache, shock and anger that goes along with no closure, no apology. I am so glad I found this place to post and read. It has been the most helpful I have found so far. We all have to find a way to move on past this. I especially liked the part telling us to look back and we might see that there was no empathy in our partners to begin with. I see that in many instances when I go back now. I was the one with empathy trying to help him but did not get much in return.

  • TiredofMartyrdom

    TiredofMartyrdom

    October 2nd, 2015 at 6:02 PM

    Momof2, this is the same argument we got from our cheating spouses. They devastate us. They have no remorse and do have many excuses, and like you, shift the blame to the faithful party. Before you cheated on your husband, were you there for him, meeting all his needs, saying and doing only things you liked, as you demanded of him? Are you being honest with yourself… you were a good spouse, great spouse, and he was so terrible, he pushed you into the arms of another? Because that’s essentially what you wrote, and I can’t tell you how many times I heard it myself. So one party stayed faithful. The other did not. The one who did not also, like you, shifts the blame to the one who did. The degree to which the cheater looses sense of perspective and fairness is astounding. The lack of remorse or apology, and the number of excuses, wow. It’s mind blowing, Devastating. The cheater cheats many times in many ways, and it’s hard to move on, very hard, as you might read on this site, if you were capable of feeling for someone else. And then usually, the cheating party likes to punish the faithful one even more by denying child support, ruining finances… typical. It’s one betrayal after the next. And that’s why it’s pretty easy to be judgmental of the cheating spouse. It doesn’t matter, since cheaters have all kinds of mechanisms to be impervious to their wrongdoing.

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    October 3rd, 2015 at 12:02 AM

    TiredofMartyrdom
    Thanks for your comment. Your feelings are justified just like my ex husbands. But so are ours. Millions of people feel the way I do as a cheater. So that makes it not just a bogus feeling we have. Not once did I try to justify my actions, I merely pointed out your hypocrytical stance on life in general.
    I hope you heal soon and have learned a great deal out of this whole ordeal

  • Sandra

    Sandra

    October 9th, 2015 at 2:40 AM

    Hi im new to this website, and found all ur posts helpful. Iv bn with my ex bf for 4 yrs , hes an alcoholic anf in last 6mnths relapsed after leaving rehab. I stuck with him through cheating, abuse, police trouble etc ..then when he relapsed and walked out 6 mnths ago i refused to let him back until he was sorted out. We have spent time together when he has been sober but i have been frustrated and tld him many times he cldnt expect me to wait round forever until he decides to sober up. He doesnt work he gets money from family in nigeria, he lives of benefits here in the uk and is currently living in sheltered accom for alcoholics and addicts, hes on a police tag and curfew for money laundering and has put me thru terrible emotional and mental abuse. He has shown remorse in the past but usually only to get what he wants. Iv spent time with him recently and last week found out from his key worker that he has now got cirrohsis…i decided that was the final straw..i feared he would die alone in his homeless accom …he begged me and cried last week to let him come home but as i have a young daught i refused unless he sobers up. After i fnd out he had cirrohsis i decided to go see him last friday so turned up unnanounced…he had a woman there ! He refused to let me in his place and said he was with his gf! It was only tge night before hed bn begging me to go round to see him ! Hes cheated before but after rehab i swore that if he did it again there would be no going back. I think that wen i refused to see him night previous hes then gone online and picked someone up for the night, it appeared shed been there all night with him. Altho this is deffo the end for me im hurt and rejected and cant believe that hes made no effort to show any remorse whatsoever, he tld me as cold as ice in front of her to leave him alone ! As if i was pestering him! He even threatened to call the police as I wldnt leave HIM alone! Even tho hes bn the one begging and crying to me. Even his key worker knows this as hes cried to him also.
    Iv read so mych literature about narcissists abusers alcoholucs bipolar etc…and i know that this is about his issues not mine…but im so frustrated its as tho hes got some attention of another woman and therefore cast me aside after 4 yrs of me trying to support him! 8v had no text or contact from him and iv not contacted him either, but im so hurt that hes not shown ANY remorse it questions whether he had ANY love for me atall? I dont know how to get thru this, i dont wanna be waiting round for his show of regret i keep myself busy , iv got s good job as s nurse, my own place .financial independance, and i know there is no going back ..i do. But i cant accept that after 4 yrs of lying cheating abuse , police trouble , me supporting him thru rehab detox etc etc ..that he fould be so blatantly cruel and disregarding of my feelings. I know b4 i caught him out again i kniw he was a mess, drunk all day most days, his key worker told me he was scared he would slip into a diabetic coma as he wasnt taking his meds either , its obvious that had i not caught him out that he wouldve kept these women from me and carried on in touch with md as ic nothing was going on, so its good i found out, i keep telling myself tgat it doesnt matter why he did it or if he regrets it…but it does matter cos i feel the need to know that i meant something to him and that he feels some loss. Sandra x

  • Wifehadaffair

    Wifehadaffair

    October 26th, 2015 at 7:30 AM

    My wife started acting strangely a little over a year ago. I snooped and found out about her affair through texts, emails, etc. She planned out the affair a month in advance with a friend, then lied to me when I confronted her about it, claiming she didn’t know the guy. I asked her to stop and talk to me about what she was doing, but her response was the most detached, uninterested, brutal blow off possible. When I tried to remind her that adultery is wrong, and showed her the proof of her affair, she literally became a monster. She blocked my phone, filed for divorce, and refused to talk to me, now it’s been over a year since my wife has spoken to me as she did before she started screwing the other guy. The sex seems to have bonded her to her affair partner as she used to be to me.

    She called me sobbing once and said she was so sorry for being so horrible to me, but it seems like that was just manipulation because there was no action of kindness or repentance to follow.

    I later learned that her mom left her dad in the exact same way. It’s so odd to see momof2 here say all the same things my cheating wife said. When my wife said those things to me, I started going to counseling to work on them, invited her to come with me. But because of the affair, she was emotionally preoccupied and filed divorce. I’m amazed I wasted my wedding vows and ten years of my life on someone who thinks it’s fine to divorce one’s spouse while screwing another person.

    I remember making those vows, ’till death do us part’. I guess I meant them and remorseless adulterers who are happy to abandon their spouses should not be allowed to get married in the first place. They effectively swore to die first, which makes they betrayal all the more bizarre and incoherent.

  • Never Forsaken

    Never Forsaken

    March 18th, 2016 at 10:38 AM

    I know this is 6 months old, but your comments about marriage, vows, betrayal, and abandonment really resonated with me. My peaceful, quiet, faithful, hard-working husband of 18 years suddenly, without any warning or explanation, abandoned and divorced me, leaving me so shocked and reeling, I didn’t know which way was up or down. Our marriage and family life was a model of stability, and what he has done has rocked the foundation of many people in our family. When he left he said there was no one else. But I found out not long after that indeed there was another woman and it was his high school girlfriend, whom he had broken up with before getting together with me. No one knows where he was staying the first 3 months he left, but I know he “officially” moved in with her after 3 months of being gone. It has been a year since he’s been gone and at times I still get a little obsessed (in my head) about wanting him to acknowledge the heinous thing he did to me, our 2 teenage children, and our family. I think shame keeps him from saying sorry or giving explanations or compassion or anything. He should be beyond ashamed. I imagine he is having the time of his life, feeling like a teenager again. I have settled comfortably into no contact, after the first few months of begging for another chance or at least explanations. My whole psyche is pulverized and it is hard to imagine not being emotionally damaged for the rest of my life. Thank God I know Lord restores what has been devoured and will make something new and beautiful out of the ash heap of pain and brokenness. Thank God I know I can trust HIM and that He has my best in mind, if only I keep seeking Him, keep trusting Him. His Word is pure and total Truth and revelation. My life verse: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5,6. God bless and renew all the hurting hearts here, through the love and power of Jesus Christ.

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    October 27th, 2015 at 8:22 AM

    Wifehadanaffair, thank you for reading my comment and also responding to it. In my opinion, you should have given your cheating wife a longer period to think things through. I am sure you kept your vow to be faithful, but as all marriages goes, I can guarentee you broke one or more of the other during your relationship with your wife. I know my husband did. Where was the cherish and honor when he threw me around in the house. Or that faithful day he sexually assaulted me. I forgave because that’s what love does, the kind of love God wants you to have for your spouse. My opinion stands, all vows are created equally, once broken it should then probably have the same effect as adultery. Usually not, because the adulterer took more bashimg from the other party than you realised. I am still sorry for hurting him. But I never want him back and I know I destroyed a little bit of him, like he did to me.

  • Wifehadaffair

    Wifehadaffair

    October 27th, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    Thank you for your reply Momof2. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean by saying that I should have given her more time to think things through? Do you mean before confronting her about the affair? She moved out of our place to have a real relationship a week after I discovered the affair, and divorced me months later.

    Every problem she ever mentioned to me had a pretty straightforward solution. I wasn’t abusive, either, although she did say I was neglectful once her affair started–never having said that to me before. I called her a bad name once after her affair began but before I knew why she was acting so unkind to me. I told my therapist how she was behaving, and he said that when a woman acts increasingly abusive, it is often a preamble or corollary to her having an affair. He advised that she would continue to see me as an enemy as long as the affair was going on, and would only consider treating me with anything but brutal unkindness after she was willing to end the affair. He said serious affairs last an average of two years, so I should be prepared for at least that length of time before expecting any kindness or consideration from her.

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    November 2nd, 2015 at 12:34 AM

    Hi Wifehadanaffair. Sorry to have taken so long to respond. I meant that you shouldn’t have let her divorce you so quickly. She was too emotional to make life changing decision at that stage. It might be the right decision for you and her now, but if you wanted to save your marriage it would have probably be best if you acted out of love instead out of shock. I do not blame you. I am sure it was a difficult situation. I don’t know your whole story, but I am sure if she felt the way I did it would have made a world of difference if my ex husband would have come to me out of compassion more than out of frustration and damnation. I hope it makes sense.

  • Wifehadaffair

    Wifehadaffair

    November 2nd, 2015 at 3:14 PM

    Thanks momof2, I made numerous attempts to reconcile, refused to sign the divorce papers, offered to go to counseling with her, offered a trip to Hawaii, wrote her letters and tried to get her family support. Nothing mattered to her about the marriage, and over a year later she hasn’t once expressed any interest in talking to me about the marriage except to get money. It seems as though there is a script people use who abandon their spouse in an affair, I’ve read so many similar stories to my own. I think the brain chemistry of infatuation does a lot, but she has been remorseless about the entire thing except where it has benefitted her image or finances, so I think it’s a character problem as well. That her mom did all the same things sort of makes it permissible to her, I’d think.

    She told her affair partner she was ‘breaking up’ with me just hours before making love to me twice and praying with me and asking me in tears to fight for the marriage. I don’t know if that sociopathic or what, but it seems that way. I’m sure some people would say she was confused, but it was too strategic and final to be confused.

    One thing that amazes me is that not a single friend encouraged her to stop cheating. In fact, the girl who organized our wedding even coached the entire affair and divorce.

  • Jen

    Jen

    May 30th, 2016 at 8:24 AM

    Wow “wife had affair”-
    My story is EXACTLY like yours. In every way. Curious where she stands now.
    I was also upset that nobody in my ex’s life seemed to try and talk sense into him (given there is a lot of research about how they are essentially “on drugs” when in affair and these relationships never work out. As well, they can’t think clearly, etc. the thing is…we never know if someone did speak up for the family but they didn’t listen?

  • ItSux

    ItSux

    November 9th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

    How do you forgive an ex wife who cybersexed, cheated, lied and had me locked up, tried to steal my son. After losing you bestfrined then family how can you forgive ??
    Im still recovering 3 years later. I can never forgive her for taking my son away from me more then 50% of the time… I can replace the woman but not my boy!! That breaks my heart !!

  • Claud J

    Claud J

    November 10th, 2015 at 12:13 PM

    I have no words to express how it hurts to have been cheated on, used, left, and taken for a fool so many times … i read the article and it hurts so much still.
    I waited for apologies during the almost 4 years of marriage, and i got them sometimes after insisiting to get them from him …
    I would have stayed even longer into this relationship … I fell in love with my husband so much … But it is now clear that he only married me to obtain a green card …

    I now understand that no apologies will ever help anyone who has been wronged my friends, i suggest to start working on apologizing to ourselves for what we endured… For love..

    :’-/. God bless you and help you all.

  • Jen

    Jen

    November 21st, 2015 at 10:31 PM

    My spouse is a serial cheater and after 17 years of asking him to seek help for porn/ sex addiction I found he was seeing prostitutes/ call girls on out of town trips. I greived the loss of the marriage I thought I had after the first affair (that was the most painful thing I’d ever been through), so when I found out about the prostitutes 4 years later, the decision to file for divorce was fairly untraumatic for me. The hardest part of all of this is that I live in a small community and for the sake of my 3 children, only my best friends know the real reason I’m getting divorced. I’ve heard feedback that people think I’m doing the wrong thing (getting divorced) and I get the cold shoulder from many whom I thought were on some level friends. I just want to scream at them “you have no idea what I’ve endured in this marriage, how dare you blame or judge me!” I know I am doing the right thing for myself, and to have others make judgements about my actions when they don’t even know the truth, really hurts. I’m afraid that by the time this is all said and done no one will speak to me, as it appears they are taking my spouses side. Somehow he is able to make himself the victim in all this. I was a good wife, mother, lover, etc., not perfect my any means, but I always put in the effort to try and be the best of those that I could be. I’m just exhausted, I have nothing else to give. I’d love to just crawl under the covers and stay there! I’m tired of trying to figure out what went wrong and how I ended up here.
    I used to have an idealized view of the way people should behave. Now I realize that people are selfish, and if you give them an inch they take a mile. There is something precious lost in that realization – it takes away from the belief in inhearant goodness in people.

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:12 PM

    In response to Jen
    I went through a similar situation. But honestly you need to tell the real reason you are getting divorced. I first felt very embarrassed that my husband was having affairs with co workers and online partners which he met through Ashley Madison. But after he played the victim and portrayed me as the “crazy , mentally unstable ” wife, I exposed him for what he really was. A liar and a cheater. I also went no contact, not only with him but also with his family and friends. I also have a son but he always knew the truth about his so called father. A real father would not inflict so much pain on the mother of his children , a real father would not lie and deceive.
    Yes I was ashamed I was married to this crazy pick addict ,who is also a police officer. But I had to look out for my interest and nothing else.
    Good luck and congratulations to you to find the strength to divorce him. Life is so much better for me now.

  • Ian Dixon

    Ian Dixon

    November 23rd, 2015 at 1:30 PM

    In the summer of 2013 I found out my ex wife had lied to me about been sneaking behind my back with a friend of mine. I never accused her of an affair but I wanted answers to all of the scenarios and behaviors. I had suspected the last 8 years of our marriage and when I caught her in a lie the opened everything wide open she went into a rage with no tears, drove off leaving me standing with no explanations like she had been finally found out. I told her specifically that in order to continue in our marriage I needed to hear exactly what we were dealing with. Even when the other party asked me to keep it under wraps so as not to affect his family, she still would not admit to anything and kept saying there was nothing going on. So we separated and divorced and have been apart for 2 and a half years. Within that time she turned the whole thing around on me. She fabricated I was the one who had the affair lol, sent me documentation on mid-life crisis. She even used our children as pawns to get a better separation agreement. The icing on the cake is she allowed my 2 oldest boys to believe that it was all my fault resulting in my relationships with them ending, when really, she should have been wearing my shoes since It was her actions and lies I finally reacted to. Hopefully someday she will take ownership for all she has done to me. It is sad that she threw 19 years together to save herself. An apology will be something I would love to have and is well deserved by me, but I am not holding my breath. It is a day to day struggle moving on with out it.

  • Ian

    Ian

    November 24th, 2015 at 10:40 AM

    What I mean by that is until my ex-wife feels remorse for all she has done and is truly sorry for her actions, the control she has over my 2 oldest children will never change along with her opinions that they have adopted as their own. I know she is scared to death of what may happen if she stops playing the victim with our kids. All I care about is rebuilding my relationships with my boys which will not happen until she removes the wedge. My boys are totally brainwashed since they trust her and have deemed me as the bad guy since it was me that had to leave when she would not. He leaving would have been an admission of guilt. It was almost like she had it all figured out what she was going to do the day I wanted her to finally explain her actions. Never did in my worst nightmare did I think she would have been able to turn it all on me with her getting off scott free. So yes, forgiveness from me has definitely been a work in progress every day.

  • Wifehadaffair

    Wifehadaffair

    November 30th, 2015 at 6:51 AM

    Sorry to hear this happened to you.

    It seems that once people get caught cheating, they go into fight/flight mode and either lash out or viscously and cleverly attack to draw the attack away from themselves. That’s what me cheating ex wife did–as soon as I caught her she called all my family members and told them all the most horrible things she could about me.

    I’d say that anyone who can go for longer than six months to two years lying and making counter accusations, refusing any constructive dialogue, is probably not going to change and show kindness later on. That’s the sort of character problem that was years in the making, probably at a young age, probably demonstrated by a parent.

    My wife just two weeks ago said in an email (she blocked my phone when she moved out last year to screw the guy more freely, months before the divorce) that she’d ‘never expose herself to my cruelty again’ when I asked her to discuss making arrangements for her property she abandoned over a year ago (a library, jewelry, furniture, gifts, letters, a decade of stuff). She leaves in an affair, and I’m the cruel one. I was in counseling for a year before that learning to be a better husband, with serious effort and growing success.

    People like this just need to be seen for what they are…. Sociopaths. Maybe they couldn’t qualify clinically as a sociopath, but we all know people from ordinary life who wouldn’t qualify technically and nevertheless we’d never make ourselves vulnerable to them by choice. It’s hard to admit we gave decades of our lives and our hearts and souls to people without empathy, but people of class and kindness don’t abandon their husbands in affairs without pause or remorse or reconsideration.

    I still have at least one or two moments every day in which I think ‘what the heck? Did my wife ditch me screwing another guy? That just doesn’t make sense.’ It’s getting easier and easier as time goes on to cope with it though. Every time I answer ‘yes’, she seems a bit less valuable or worth my further consideration.

  • Jesse

    Jesse

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:25 PM

    Momof2. I was just reading all of these comments purely out of curiosity but I saw this comment and had to reply. I think many people commenting are generalizing. I can’t deny that in even the slightest bit. But as someone who was cheated on with 4 other men, physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused, called every name in the book, mocked for the death of my mother while we were together, mocked when I lost my family because they tried to steal the money from my mothers will (I’m in my late 20’s so by no means do I have everything “figured out”). This can be incredibly traumatic for someone. I have spent hours, days, and weeks at a time doing everything in my power from talk to therapists, friends, writing, music, to recover and find some semblance of normalcy again in my life to some avail, but nowhere near a “comfortable” level. I have looked at myself and my actions with the help of others, including her family, therapist and everyone possible. Because at first it was all about what is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? So other than be the only one working, cooking, cleaning, raising the puppy we had, paying for her to go party and cheat and gas and food and any activities she wanted to do. I have a hard time accusing myself at this point. I never once raised my hand, never once did I make any threat, to her or any possessions (for example, “i swear to god I’ll sell all your things back if you don’t stop yelling) never once did I put her down, call her any names, or raise my voice. In fact I hung up on her one time only And that was two days after my mom passed away and she ridiculed me for it. She received flowers from me weekly, I took her on a very expensive date at least 2 times a month, i scratched her back for her every night until she fell asleep at her request, never once did I throw myself at her in a sexual manner, although she did to me even without my consent and was so drunk she threw up all over me during the act. I don’t want to label your thoughts as if i know them or I am a professional because by all means I couldn’t be further from that. But I hear you generalizing the abused/cheated on party as we never look at ourselves. This frightens me to see on here honestly because that is exactly what my ex did to me. Refuse to fully admit or accept her actions, rationalize them, and then play victim when I refuse to break down WITH her, only to act as if it never happened when I was still processing it. Through all my own (therefore credibility could admittedly be somewhat unreliable at times) research but also with the help of her family and my therapist have began to understand some people (I won’t say my ex has it, I’m not a doctor and not her doctor) have borderline personality disorder. This can be broken off and run with many other disorders such as narcistic personality disorder for example. The symptoms all match up, and when you argue with someone with this disorder it can be incredibly frustrating. You are essentially talking to yourself. No one is listening. You can’t get any admittance of guilt, you can’t get any acknowledgement of your feelings, they will often either run and offer nothing in the way of answers or even simple communication, or they will fight. They will attack and attempt to hurt you and make you feel broken so they have the upper hand. They look to create an aggressive reaction in you so that it becomes a tool to use and they can play victim for how “mean and cruel” you were to them. They are often times too stubborn to ever apologize because they lack the ability to look at themselves and admit that they have hurt someone. They are master manipulators and many times like in my case and many others on here, the apologies won’t ever come. She has moved on and already had while we were together. So I say all of that simply to say that while you are right in saying many of the abused here can generalize the cheaters, I can’t help but notice you generalizing us and displaying traits of the things many of us have suffered. I do not know your whole story, I do not know you (live in California?) -that was a joke sorry- but from what your comment says to me I see you saying that your husband didn’t treasure the marriage, that he is the one that wanted to back out and never talk. You are shutting out the part about what led you two to begin talking about divorce which led to you and this other man. I know for a fact that when she wanted or needed me, I was there, she chose to leave, when she cheated and I knew nothing other than what intuition told me, I foolishly offered to stay if she would tell me the truth, luckily for me she snapped and bolted and attacked through email. So yes, some of the people on here label cheaters as scum of the earth while that is highly unfair, I agree with that, but when you say we are all victims and all this you are in turn doing exactly why you preach to not be able to stand. Luckily I was smart enough to save all the emails, texts, and messages and letters threatening to beat me up, threaten to have her friends and family beat me up, to break into my house and take everything, all the awful things she said, even when she threatened to falsify allegations to the police of physical abuse at my hands that never occurred. Because after the third time she claimed to have contacted the police, set a court date and hire an attorney all in one night (two of those nights were past 10:30pm and on national holidays so that seemed fishy to me) I knew it was time to defend myself. Now I am taking her to court, solely based off of her actions and lack of remorse and desire to continue to inflict pain. I told her all charges would be dropped if she could do one of three things, leave me alone, answer my questions free of judgement or any response other than “ok” from me, or offer even the simplest apology possible. “Sorry”. Couldn’t get it. She continued and still continues to harass me even without a response from me. The work I have done around myself and standing up for myself and not being a victim has helped immensely and taught me a lot about myself and how people such as myself tend to be magnets towards people with borderline personality disorder, and has answered some questions for me from a relationship stand point. The one question that still plagues me is just in terms of humanity and respect and decency, how can someone do all that and never once have any remorse, and refuse to even be peaceful, instead of continue to try to hurt. It astounds me still. I hope everyone on here is able to find the healing they need and it’s nice to see I’m not alone in going through all of this. Take care everyone and sorry for the novel! Anyone that is reading their life story in my words right now, please look up borderline personality disorder and see if it resonates with you at all, but please remember to not get over excited at the prospect of having found the answer you needed for closure and diagnose anyone as having it. Traits can be present without having it so remember while it helps to feel like you can explain parts now, you still can’t and won’t know unless they themselves seek a (possible) diagnosis. Thank you!

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    December 8th, 2015 at 2:57 PM

    Hi Jesse. Thanks for your life story. I was in no way generalising anything with my comment that the wronged spouse is also guilty of what ever happened. My main point was that there are many ways to deceive the person you love. I was deceived on so many levels it makes me look pathetic. It is more true that it takes 2 people to fail at a marriage or a relationship, than it is point and blame. Although I have a lot of sympathy for your situation it does seem that yours is not an exception and that you do feel victimized as the rest do. I appreciate your feelings, I do, because I have also been cheated on. However, I am not willing to tell what I went through in my 7 years of marriage and 2 children later. But I do know that my ex husband has bordeline personality disorder (by means of assesing the personality traits listed with the condition). I guess we are all a little borderline. I guess it makes us feel better to think that the person has some condition that we can blame their behaviour on. All in the name of self preservation. Or you can come to terms that you married a very crappy person and that your relationship was even crappier. But that’ll come once you have made peace with yourself and her and the situation. I never once said I wasn’t remorseful, I only never apologised because it wouldn’t have made a difference. Forgiveness should come for yourself even without an apology. An apology is only given if something can be gained or amended from it. Though it sounds absurd, try it for yourself. Why do you apologise for anything at all? To make yourself feel better? To make the situation better? To mend the broken pieces? Let go and let God. We have all wrongend another person in some way in our lives, the person who has the hardest time forgiving the deed is the one who did it. Murder, lies, cheat, abortion, drunk dialing and swearing at who ever, the list goes on. Just because the person cheated, doesn’t make them anything other than… human.

  • Nate

    Nate

    December 16th, 2015 at 11:56 PM

    I’m writing this because I have been in pain for 10 years. I fell in love with a narcissistic, beautiful, intelligent and driven women. She was controlling, abusive and also much smaller than myself. I never raised a hand to her; I was emasculated. We had a shotgun wedding for all the wrong reasons. We chose not to keep our child…this will always be for me the sole most unsurmountable mistake I have ever made in my life; I was fatherless. I left her a year into the marriage; I filed for divorce. We reconciled several years later because I needed “answers” like most of the people writing on this site, I didn’t understand then that what I truly needed was the “apology”. Now almost 11 years to the date of our meeting each other, she has left a plastic bag at my door with the few belongings I would leave at her place; I never stayed more than one night and never more than once every couple months while I tried to “understand” what had gone wrong. What I’ve learned is that we are both dysfunctional, we made bad decisions and we still make them, only I was willing to “let go” and she was not. In these last few years I’ve found the strength to let go, because she would not and I am completely heart broken because the bond we shared was so powerful, but I had to choose “life” over “regret”. You see, I told her we were finally done and she responded back not by letting me go in peace but threating my choice as a day I would come to regret; she is in pain and she will not let it go. My heart cries for her still but I cannot continue this endless cycle. I realize I must stay strong and remain silent; this apology cannot be asked for. I have said everything I can to her and I have said it with love, patience and kindness. We’ve been divorced five years now and in the last three years of reconcile I have grown to understand neither of us are to blame. But the final piece, the last piece is for me to understand that she will never truly apologize for her actions, her abuse and her acknowledgment that the abortion was real and not some “badly timed” growth, but our unborn child. I need so badly for her to just say it, just say she is sorry. To ask for my forgiveness. This has never happened in any straight forward or clear manner that would show she genuinely considers my pain and her fault. And so, it IS the apology then that I need, and it is something I cannot ask for…it is like screaming out load and yet nothing can be heard. I have named this pain, is mine alone to cherish or to release into the universe and so I realize now that in order to “pick up the pieces” and move on with my life I must learn the final lesson…”love forgives and sometimes it doesn’t, but real love can only be achieved when both people choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness, without that there is no love”. I have learned allot, and I know more now about relationships and love and marriage then I ever did as a 25 year old kid. I don’t regret it because it has made me wise and empathetic to those who have walked in my footsteps. I appreciate this final piece of the puzzle. I may never get a letter, or a text or even a phone call from her with simply an apology, but I can forgive myself, I must…and I can move on. I am at peace with my life again and Lord willing, if before I’m healed she reaches out to me with a sincere apology, there may still be opportunity for genuine reconciliation to some end that heals us both completely. But for now, I’ve done my part, I’ve told her my piece in kind and in patience and now I feel as if I’m shaking off the last chills of a bad addiction…the light is at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I just started listening to Christmas music again and I even bought some flowers. God help us all, our fleeting existence and our fragile hearts, but there is love out there for all…and it starts with letting go, loving yourself and understanding…I may never get an apology, but I will get my heart back. In time I will heal; with or without her apology.

  • Robert

    Robert

    December 21st, 2015 at 1:19 PM

    I got married sept. Last year to my wife by april she was cheating on me wont talk to me at all wants a divorce and trying to convince herself om loves her. I didnt cheat on her or hurt her or anything i lost job for a few months and we had some money problems i guess thats why she cgeated

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    December 21st, 2015 at 9:59 PM

    It’s been months but it still hurts. I was with this man for most of my 20s and it looks like I’ll end my 20s grieving the relationship. I know now he is a Sociopath.

    In the beginning, things were great. Then he stopped hiding his drug problem. He stole from me, people I knew, companies, etc. There were also times he would run off, I had no idea where he went, and I couldn’t get a hold of him. I knew he was getting high and deep down, I knew he was cheating as well. He had a few shady female friends and I happened across an online dating profile that was a “huge misunderstanding.” I felt alienated, I felt ashamed and couldn’t talk to my friends or family about what was going on.

    I was depressed, approaching suicidal. Still, I tried so hard to help him. I gave 500% but couldn’t get a fraction in return. He had a sob story and an excuse for everything.

    The beginning of the end was when we had to move out of our apartment because I couldn’t afford rent (he had stolen money from me and I was behind almost 3 months). I moved in with family and he had to move 300 miles away to stay with his sister. I tried to break up with him at the bus station but he refused.

    I didn’t know this until a few months after we broke up, I was on an old laptop and he was auto logged onto a few sites: he was ruthlessly cheating on me. He had started an online dating profile within hours of arriving in his new area. He talked to over 60 different women and had another girlfriend within a week or so. His sister knew, some of his friends, whom I also met, knew as well. No one said a word to me and I know it was because he made me out to be a monster. He also made our mutual friends here dislike me too.

    He finally left me 6 months later for another woman. We were talking one day and the next day he posted he was in a “new relationship” on facebook. After years with this man, I don’t even get a proper breakup – he blocked my phone number & blocked my Facebook once he knew I saw his new relationship. He bragged about her on facebook and all his friends loved seeing them together.

    I was heartbroken but it didn’t stop there. He left me in debt. I found out a month after we broke up that he gave me herpes. It’s humiliating. I feel like I’m “damaged goods” now, like no man will ever want to be with me. It’s been awful trying to get through this. No one seems to understand the magnitude of all his manipulation and everyone says I should just get over it.

    I know my post is long, I appreciate anyone who gets through it all. I’ve read a few stories and my heart goes out to all of you. Take it one day at a time, I’m doing the same. Xoxo.

  • mike

    mike

    February 1st, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    My ex fiance abruptly broke up with me and completely dissappeared. This was after she asked me for $1800.00 for household items we purchased together. She lived with me for free. Her step cousin visited her parents with his family. She did t come home for 3 days. I was a mess because I knew something was wrong. She said I was crazy to suspect anything, I believed her. She immediately moved I. With the step cousin and is still with him a year and a half later. She talked me into leaving my good job for another with much more stress. She left the second week of my new job. I couldn’t sleep, eat or work, having to eat Xanax to get through the work day withour crying. She laughed with her step brother in my drive the day she moved her things, I stood crying 20 feet away. Why make us feel crazy? Why intentionally try to damage us when they are cheating? I lost a bright career and still feel broken a year and a half later. I can’t date because I only want her, feel lime I see her everywhere. I know I am responsible for not picking myself up soon er but this is the most painful experience of my life. After 8 years, I feel she owed me the truth. She said she always wanted the best for me, you wouldn’t know by all the lies.

  • Don

    Don

    February 3rd, 2016 at 1:30 AM

    My wife cheated on me online. She started talking to many men online everyday while I was taking care of my ailing father
    Now that we are divorcing because of many of her cheating actions she is angry at me but yet can’t tell me why
    She tells me I was good to her and yet tries to take every penny from me and when I talk to her she blames me for everything
    To you women out there I am proof that there are good men out there
    My heart goes out to all of you

  • Rick

    Rick

    February 3rd, 2016 at 2:52 PM

    Thanks Don. Yes, my ex did the same and much more. After being so confused as to how a person could live with themselves after lying, cheating, stealing, being abusive and who is an alcoholic; I did some extensive studies so I could move on. She truly is a altruistic narcissis. You may want to look up the description. We have 3 children and she tried to divorce me 2 other times under false pretenses and lied to her attorneys. We went to court and her attorneys told her she was going to lose everything because I had undeniable proof that she was an unfit mother and wife and needed help. Sometimes I felt really stupid for trying to work with her after those 2 times to fix our marriage, but now I see I did the right thing. If we were divorced either one of those 2 times; she would have gotten more than she deserved. After she continued to refuse to get help and continued to act inappropriately I warned her twice to stop drinking and get help or get out. This was after I gently offered her many means for help; took her at her request and spent a lot of money on her but she refused to get help. Then one morning this past June after she was aggressively drinking the night before and after she had drank more; she said maybe we should get a divorce and my Christian counselor agreed that it might be time to let her go and I did. At the same time I was furious because she wanted to end our marriage and give up our children and the house so she could be happy. Honestly, that’s what’s really sad. I loved her enough to let her go. Now she’s in Gods hands if she lets Him in which I doubt. She’s still a drinks, selfish, deceptive, and sleeping with a new man after just 6 months but I’m confident she had him on the back burner. She rarely talks to our children except our 18 yr old daughter which worries me. I pray my ex miraculously turns her life around. I’m still experiencing anger and resentment but it’s getting better as time goes on with as much zero contact as possible. Hang in there!!

  • Johnnyboy

    Johnnyboy

    March 1st, 2016 at 11:23 AM

    Where do I start? The fact my wife has always been hung up on her ex? The love videos the exchange between each other? The sex texts between each other? The disappearing for days at a time with no explanation and no accountability? The I hate you, you’re nothing but a broken down contractor, the sex is horrible. I’ve been hoping and hanging on for so long I’ve been in denial I do love her so and the pain is horrendous but I’m having a hard time letting go. I’ve always hope for the best tried my best but I get so frustrated with the way she treats me. I’m truly depressed, sad, and lonely. I know the end is coming and not too far away being without her is going to be tough but I know it’s inevitable. I know it’s not all her fault I have taken my accountability for my actions as well. However I want to think I’ve been a good man a good husband supportive and loving. I wish you all good luck and the best.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 1st, 2016 at 11:31 AM

    Dear Johnnyboy,

    If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a qualified mental health professional, we encourage you to reach out. Feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    We wish you the very best in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bob

    Bob

    March 7th, 2016 at 5:42 AM

    Yes I to am sorry for everyone here, My partner of 29 years has been lying and cheating on me for a very long time. I had arguments with her in the very beginning about her contact with him. It’s a long story, but I am now permanently disabled from a work accident which the surgery created major issues, no one knows why but the damage is extreme. I was ready to move out of state months before it happened and she said lets try, A lie!!! Now she tells me she would have stayed married to me because of my condition WOW that hurts, then followed it up with I should have known we really never clicked! DOUBLE WOW!!! So basically the entire relationship is fake and my son???? So I have decided that I do not care what she thinks,says, or does, my only concern is my son. I can not believe who and what this women has become but pray that my son does not take it out on every women he meets now. It is amazing how nonchalant our society has become over the biggest legal binding contract on the planet for two human beings to enter into and then one allowed to break??? As some other comments here and on other sites NOT ALL MEN OR WOMEN ARE PIGS, just some like my soon to be ex. She did it this way because she knew even in my condition I would not tolerate this anymore. Everyone who was lied to and cheated on must remember that if you did your best and took the high moral ground, then an apology is not needed. Remember that judgement day will inevitably become there reflection on there actions!

  • Narcissistic Specialist

    Narcissistic Specialist

    March 25th, 2016 at 7:41 AM

    Regarding Momof2 – we can see an absolute example of narcissistic personality disorder with co-morbid psychiatric disorders. We can identify the total and complete refusal to accept full responsibility for her own actions. Narcissists will gaslight all of their days and this is why Dr M Scott Peck describes them as his book is entitled ‘people of the lie’ and evil. There is no doubt that to commit a great sin and still be blaming an imperfect spouse is beyond denial but psychotic. There is no cure for narcissism/sociopathy/psychopathy that are all intertwined. The cause in unhealed past trauma – almost always in Childhood. Specialists are sometimes blindsided and there is no apology and even the word ‘sorry’ if every used there is no making amends – action of remorse. The only contact with the most severe psychiatric disorders there are is no contact and nobody can help them – not even the ‘love’
    of a narcissist’s life which will never be genuine love that takes a healthy mind and a soul. Time doesn’t heal, understanding heals and I say my prayers for every betrayed spouse and Child for healing from narcissistic abuse.

  • Momof2

    Momof2

    March 25th, 2016 at 12:35 PM

    Narcissistic Specialist. I think you are missing the point on all my comments. It takes 2 people to break up a marriage. Not all people who have been through a divorce or cheated is borderline. Good people do bad things too. All of us do. That’s life. Two years down my divorce my ex still treats me like dog poop even after I have made many attempts to get on a amicable level with him. The constant fighting and blaming reminds me why I did what I did in the first instance. My kids are doing fine, God help you to get past your bitterness and heal you. Funny you should say I am the narc as everyone I know who knew my ex said he was. Anyways, luckily your opinion does not define who I am, but rather who you are.

  • Mattie

    Mattie

    March 30th, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    Momof2- I don’t like to pick people out, especially on the Internet, it’s pretty trivial, but I am unsure of what you are trying to accomplish here. I’ve read some of your comments and understand that your husband was abusive and that lit a spark in you to leave (with another man). Truth is, you should have left the minute he was abusive, not after finding a new man and cheating on your husband.

    I get it, though, no one is perfect. I know I should have left my abusive ex the minute after he stole from me, broke my things, hit me, and showed no remorse. But I have to forgive myself for the time I wasted on the severely toxic relationship, for the friends I lost defending my ex, and everything else. I was no saint either, I found myself yelling and screaming, just like him. But I have to forgive myself and forgive him. I could say a million horrible things about him but truth is, he’s a damaged person and what’s the point of beating someone when they are down? He may never change but I wish him the best.

    Maybe you felt you had to cheat to emotionally detach yourself from your ex-husband. I can almost understand that, when my ex and I had broken up for a few weeks and I started dating another man (never had sex), it helped me detach. But, I do not understand why you are on this blog trying to justify yourself among people who have been hurt. It seems like you want people to understand why you cheated, but it has nothing to do with these people and everything to do with yourself. Instead of trying to prove a point, you need to realize your faults (we all have them) and forgive yourself. I hope you can find peace. Take care.

  • Tania 59

    Tania 59

    March 31st, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    I was gaslighted by my narcissistic, sociopath ex husband for over 20 years. Only after I divorced him and stayed no contact did I realize this abusive behavior. A cheating husband or wife is not worth fighting for period. I am grateful and blessed that I survived this nightmare. Ultimately my ex husband wanted me dead or committed to a mental institution or locked up in jail. I never realized what a dangerous life I had with him. This is why no contact is so important. Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone. This is why no contact must be accomplished as long as you live.

  • Rick

    Rick

    April 1st, 2016 at 7:21 PM

    I am amazed at the ability of a woman to give up all 3 of her children in order to be with her boyfriend who she has know for just a few months. We were divorced in August 2015 after she was declared an alcoholic who lies, cheats, steals and created extensive abuse to us all. I told her unless she gets help, she will leave the children with me along with the house. She moved just 1/4 mile away; has no restrictions on seeing or being with or talking to our children, but shows NO interest in them and when they talk on the phone always has some reason why they she can’t see them. She is a very sick woman whose almost 50 and I am greatly thankful our children are with me and they cannot stand her boyfriend who is as sick as she is. With our divorce rate in the world increasing dramatically and experiencing this woman who turned evil (or maybe already was behind my blinded eyes) and actually forget the children she bore, proves to me that Satan is working extremely hard and much harder as time goes on to lie, kill and destroy and that Jesus is very close. I just wish He’d return now. This world is extremely corrupt but obviously not corrupt enough for Jesus to return. I gladly devote
    My life to God and my children and always have. There are actually no more burden than before the divorce since I was the only one who took care of them following their infancy. I am just flabbergasted at how any woman could do this and give up a devoured husband who forgave her and was a dedicated husband and father for 20 years. It has to be Satan.

  • Mike G

    Mike G

    April 8th, 2016 at 12:39 AM

    It doesn’t matter how satisfied she is, how comfortable you make her, how much you comfort her when she is unstable… They’re never happy. I really believe that marriage is ultimately about happiness through the accrual of things-and most of them are tangible. We got married fast; it lasted for less than a year. I could see it was going to end before it even began but hey, you live and you learn. She also wasn’t who I thought she was from the beginning, really made herself up to be (personality-wise) someone she wasn’t. I really don’t believe either of us were married material – her because of her problems and me because of my independence. So I was the gentleman, let her keep all property, the joint tax return, the wedding gifts, even some things of mine, the house (even though I was the one paying the mortgage). My freedom and sanity was well worth it. Sure, it all crushed her-my sudden decision, my endless generosity, and the fact that her ‘soul mate’ was stomping all over her heart but I’d had enough. But you know when you’re being used. I had helped her on her way to 2 promotions in her corporate job within a year, though-certifications for progressively higher positions. So I was pretty sure she’d be able to get along on her own and find some semblance of an alternative happiness in her future, even if that’s what she said she couldn’t do. It got nasty afterward because she said things things that made me think she’d come after me out of vengeance. After 6 years I can honestly say it was the best decision. Hell, before and after that mistake I had much more meaningful relationships. People, if you’re unhappy and it’s time to get out, just do it. Like my mother told me a long time ago: life’s too short to live it unhappy.

  • Ann M

    Ann M

    April 11th, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    I work a very stressful job and my husband does not work. He made a promise to find p/t work to help me transition into a stressful position. He told me that he was going to work with his son and his son confirmed it. I didn’t get involved because I thought this was a good idea and he is not a child. Quit my job in January and subsequently found out that he was not doing anything with his son. Lied about everything. I never knew. He totally screwed me financially and had the nerve to tell his family and mine that I was crazy and he needed to take care of me. Never mind that I was considered fine when I was bringing in $$$. No remorse.

  • DigustedandWornOut

    DigustedandWornOut

    April 11th, 2016 at 6:23 PM

    I can’t believe I was sooooo blind and duped by a malignant narcissist. Literally taken through the coals!!!! Where do some of these men or people in general get off lying, cheating, exploiting, coercing, stealing without a care In the world? Then have the tenacity and balls to always blame society, the economy, their upbringing or lack there of upbringing, other women, their ex wives, their this their that. I’m so fed up and sick of it all. My ex was a notorious womanizer and exploitive sociopath. It was amazing how everywhere he ever went there was a drama, unstable, chaotic filled problem, yet he would always blame the waiter, his ex wife, me, the guys cutting him off in traffic, his business partner riding his butt too much to produce sales, the kids being too demanding, the stress of the mgt. payments, the stress of health insurance or lack there of in his case, not having time for his hobbies or hanging with the guys at the bar. Took out equity without asking on the house, rammed credit into the ground, got two women fired within a 6 month time span because he was making sexual comments, gestures, and lewd remarks and he blamed them, blamed his business associates for being stupid and naïve when it came to their $$$, always made fun of everyones weight, height, education, status, financial abilities, and yet he was always in trouble with the law or some kind of whacked out legal issue, always screwing up other peoples relationships or marriages, always having issues with child support with the ex wife, lying about his whereabouts constantly, drinking, drugs, porn, overspending, life was just a BIG OLD PARTY to him. Always a game, always fun times like he was still in f-ing high school and yet almost damn mid age range. Sad! The whole situation dealing with narcs or immature sociopaths is a sucky life to live. I’m glad I’m done. He has done nothing but contribute to crap or causing mass problems and issues to others. He always wanted his jollies off financially or sexually at the expense of whomever whenever and always wanted a fall guy to blame. So glad and content to be done with it! He cost me thousands in therapy, but it was well worth it to finally see the light MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON! LET IT GO LET IT GO! Thanks for letting me vent and glad to have MOVED ON! God always has better plans than dealing with complete and utter lies and bullsh%t!

  • LAWS

    LAWS

    April 24th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    It’s no relief to see how so many are suffering as I am. How do you reconcile that such shocking behavior is so common? After 20+ years with my husband, I find out about his cheating from our 14 year old child who he actually took on a vacation with the other woman. He’d said the vacation was for bonding with our daughter and that is the reason I didn’t go. I found out from my very distraught daughter about two months later. He’d been carrying on for awhile and had taken my child around this woman pretending she was just a coworker. It’s two years now since this happened.. My daughter and I are in therapy but, I cannot heal because he still lives in the apartment. I haven’t kicked him out because I’m financially dependent on him. Because of his irresponsibility throughout the marriage my credit is bad and we have no savings despite the fact that he makes six figures. I have always worked but earned a salary of less than $45k but in the city I live that salary leaves me net, paying almost 50% of my income in rent. I do not have family and the problem is that I’ve become ill during the last ten years and I have difficulty working full time but still try to do so. I’ve had multiple surgeries and been on temporary disability but, I truly fear what happens if I can no longer work and the reality is that I am really only capable of working part time. I am fortunate that I have flexibility with my employer because I’ve been with them long-term but I cannot earn the money to support my daughter and myself if I stay with them. To earn more in my field I need a masters degree which I started but had to discontinue because of my health. My daughter, is now 16 and will soon need to be in college herself. I do not know what to do. I don’t know if my husband still sees this woman or someone else but he docent love me has never apologized and I live in misery. He was supposed to move out but didn’t. When is asked why he says he cannot maintain two households. I feel sos tuck and want my daughter and myself away from him (though my daughter clearly has mixed feeling, I think she want my happiness). I cannot heal with him still around. Even if he moves out, i fear what will happen financially because despite his income we are constantly getting eviction notices and having things turned off. Just for info purposes, he also works in law enforcement. I don’t even know why I’m writing, maybe just to see if anyone has coped with still living in this type of horror show?

  • Kathy

    Kathy

    April 24th, 2016 at 5:49 PM

    I’ve cheated on more than one ex husband. It something I can’t control.

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    April 24th, 2016 at 8:37 PM

    I have one advice here. If you want to cheat and be unfaithful , please do not get married and do not have children. The pain you inflict on your family is evil and is called abuse. I let the cheating ex go , got him out of my life . A marriage based on lies and deceits is not worth fighting for. Divorcing him after 20 years was my only and best solution. If there is no truth, there is no trust, there can’t be love. Let the loser go. To the people who cheat on their spouses , I can only say “shame on you, you are the biggest cowards , liars and losers “. I am grateful I am not a part of this crazy drama anymore. Also subjecting your faithful spouse to possible std’s is just plain evil. Don’t have families if you can’t be faithful.

  • Joe

    Joe

    May 2nd, 2016 at 9:27 AM

    i was told by my wife she does not want to be married anymore and it’s not working out. Infidelity with 6 different men which I know about and last week she brought one of these pieces of garbage to our second home. Lied to me, sent me an old picture of her and her friend she was supposedly with and out and out lied to my face. She has no problem using the debit card to get her nails and everything else done on my dime. She finally told me she still speaks to her ex lovers and I need to move on. 2 kids, 2 homes, 2 dogs and 30 plus years together. Not one bit of remorse. We married young and she says she says it’s about me now. I have given this woman everything, forgave infidelities and everything is a lie. I am doubting my self as a person. Never cheated on her ever, and for some strange screwed up reason I still care. There is defiantly something wrong with me. My family is everything to me. I can’t seem to move on when the handwriting is right there.

  • Don

    Don

    June 29th, 2016 at 5:15 PM

    I’m sorry to hear that! One day she will realize she is throwing away a good man! My first wife tried to come back many times but I said no! Move on there’s many good women out there looking for a good man! Life can be so hard and I have been through it twice and losing a wife to cancer in between. I’ve recently met a good woman who happens to be an ex-wife of an old friend. We are moving slowly and hope to build a better life together
    Take care Don

  • robin

    robin

    May 20th, 2016 at 10:23 PM

    ive been divorced now 1yr i hate it ! he had the affair after 20 years with my sisters best friend . She stayed at our home with her three children and mother sometimes came to dinner . I cant let go i try and try . hes still with her but my life stinks . I cry aways and cant let any man near me . God i wish this would end . good luck too all u .

  • Michelle

    Michelle

    May 27th, 2016 at 6:41 PM

    I was married for 18 years and have been divorced for a year and a half. When our son was about 5 months old, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. When I confronted him, he blamed me for why he needed to cheat on me. I was in a total state of shock – the affair started when I was about 8 months pregnant and couldn’t understand how a man can cheat when his wife was pregnant. In the year and a half that followed after I learned of the affair, I was willing to leave the marriage but when I attempted to leave, he threatened to commit suicide and I stuck it out. He had told me many times that he had ended the affair but I learned that wasn’t the case just right before the divorce was final that he had been essentially living a double life with this other woman. Its been a tough few years – when I reflect on the marriage though, there are no happy memories whatsoever. When I was in the labor and delivery room, he was so distant and was constantly texting and have reason to believe, he was texting the other woman. I have come to accept that the marriage wasn’t good – he used communication as a way of being manipulative and he rarely showed empathy. Nothing I could do in the marriage was ever good enough for him and I realized about a year after the divorce that was never going to change. It wouldn’t have ever mattered whatever I tried to do to make him happy or to do nice things for him and our family that it would never be enough or meet some level of expectation he had. When I reflect on our marriage over the course of the 18 years, I suspect he likely cheated nearly all or most of the marriage. Our son is nearly 7 and its nearly impossible to co-parent with my ex. He’s hateful and looks for any reason to not work together in the best interest of our son. What I regret the most is not being able for both my ex and I to explain together to our son that we were divorcing My ex refused to have that conversation together yet he had no issues with introducing his girlfriend to our son as daddy’s new friend which left our son upset and confused. It is human to have regrets when you invest in your marriage. I have realized though that now that the marriage is over, this is the time I need to focus on providing the best care for my son and to show him the importance of being resilent when life throws you challenges.

  • Kaya50

    Kaya50

    May 31st, 2016 at 6:42 AM

    Jen
    I totally agree with you. Society thinks and says “well he is still the father of your children”. My counsellor once told me “a real father does not inflict so much pain on the mother of his children”. My son is 21and in college. I always let him make the decision to have a relationship with his father or not . He chose to cut his father out of his life because he discovered that it would not be healthy. My ex never admitted to his affairs instead he labeled me “crazy, mentally ill” to his son. Even though there were pictures to prove he still had to blame me. For my son and I it was the healthiest option to stop all contact with him. Like in your case my ex wanted then “image ” of a lovibg father but at the same time sold the house, stopped paying any college tuition,left us without any financial support. That was until I hired the attorney.
    I am not sure how I would deal with your situation because of the minor kids. I just finished reading a book called “husband , liar, sociopath. ” Very helpful in my opinion. Sometimes I am still in disbelief like you and I ask “how could he do something like that ?” Well. Because they have no empathy. We are merely extension of them. Subjects that can be thrown away like garbage. And who they left for, who their girlfriends are. It really makes no difference. Eventually they will face the same outcome as us when they get devalued and disregarded. I used to “hate” this little minion that he met at his work. She is nothing special. She was just “available “to have an affair with him. To feed him his “ego kibbles “. To put him in his “God like throne”. A woman who is willing to engage in an affair with a married man with family is just a w****. They deserve each other.i think you on the right path to recovery. Maybe you can interact with him like a business partner. No emotions. Just like a bad business partner. One day your kids will be grown and it will be much easier to extract yourself from that drama. For me ,I always put my faith in God. We are not in control anyhow. No matter what we think the outcome should be, it’s not in our control. Maybe you will look back one day like me and say “wow, I am a gladiator , he cannot get to me anymore, because I am in charge now “. It’s a great feeling of victory. And I will never go back to the craziness again. Until then please stay strong. Focus on YOU , not him. Sometimes we think our world is falling apart. Looking back it was falling into place. But it could take years before we actually see it and believe it.

  • Heather

    Heather

    May 31st, 2016 at 11:30 AM

    As disturbing as it may be (I wouldn’t wish my ex on my worst enemy) but it is a little comforting knowing that there are other people who can relate to what I am going through. Many people, even therapists I’ve seen, cannot seem to grasp my experience. It’s been a year since he left and while I can see the difference a year away from him has improved my life, it still hurts.

    My ex put me through so much, I was clinically depressed for years. He was physically and emotionally abusive, abused alcohol and drugs, lied, cheated, and alienated me from my family and friends. I was miserable, cried nearly every day, trouble sleeping, put on a huge amount of weight, and my personal and professional life drastically suffered because I struggled to leave the house. I had two miscarriages and struggled to get pregnant for years (now, I really think God was looking out for me). My ex was cruel after both miscarriages, after the first one, he accused me of cheating and that I went to an abortion clinic. The second miscarriage, he said such cruel things to make me feel like less of a woman.

    After one of our many fights, him leaving for days, then me having a panic attack and attempting suicide (already wrote the note and seconds away from swallowing 2 bottles of pills), I literally ran 2 miles to my best friend’s house, collapsed into tears and she made a therapist appointment for me. I stayed with her a few days until my appointment. This was a turning point, I thought, I started seeing the therapist weekly and started regularly exercising.

    I got back together with my ex for a month before I saw right through a lie he was making about seeing an “old cousin” (there was no relation, it was a girl he met on facebook and wanted to have sex with). I broke it off immediately. I was feeling great for 3 months, no contact, then I had a weak moment and had another merry go round with him. This time he left me for his old high school girlfriend (seems to be a trend on this forum). I was devastated.

    A few months later, it’s revealed to me that he had been cheating on me with another different woman for 8 months prior. I blamed myself. Then what really was the nail in the coffin was when he was arrested for domestic abuse with the woman he left me for. He blamed me for everything wrong in the relationship but now I know it was him and not me. The only thing I did wrong was staying with him for so long. Now I’m moving on with my life, the best I can, and know that God has something better in store for me.

  • Jenny

    Jenny

    June 29th, 2016 at 10:31 AM

    I was sad to read your story . My second husband walked out for another woman and turned his back on his seven year old daughter and we lost our home. I had already had a tough life with no parents and no support . I moved five times and had no money to speak of and no family to help. It was tough I won’t deny. After four years he turned up saying he had left his third wife( the woman he left me for) he actually tried to worm his way back in. Thank The Lord I no longer loved him. I went off and hit a Law Degree and now have a lovely place to live and feel blessed. I bumped in to him today he looked awful, all that drinking and smoking takes it toll. He even tried to hit on me for money with his self pitying act. He lives in a bad area and know his life is trashed. I do not take pleasure from his misery but he is master ov his own misfortune. I don’t go to church but have my faith in God and know he has helped me thus far. You cannot make someone love you and must accept it was all a lie . Horrible but true , accept or go mad was the last thing I write in my journal a few months after he went. I still had pain for nearly three years and I am single but happy with my life. Don’t give up just keep plodding on and you will get better . Keep your integrity and be true to yourself . I pray you have a better life .

  • James

    James

    June 30th, 2016 at 2:37 PM

    I discovered in March that my wife of 17 years was having an affair with a work colleague. We have two wonderful children (aged 15 and 12).
    I never really understood what happened in an affair until it happened to me. I thought an affair was about a married couple and a third party getting in the way. I have realised over the last 16 (terrible) weeks that it is not like that. The couple is my wife and here affair partner. I, the loyal and dedicated husband, am the one in the way. It’s heartbreaking. I haven’t slept properly for weeks and can’t see anything but misery for our entire family. Yet my wife insists on continuing the affair and shows virtually no remorse.
    In fact, she seems to be using the children to black mail me. She asked me if we can have an open marriage so that she can continue her affair. Her idea of ‘compromise’ seems to be to allow me to see other people as well. I don’t want to do that. I want to be in a stable and happy marriage with someone who loves me. I refused to accept an ‘open marriage’ and now she has changed tack; she now says that as we’re separated (we sleep in separate bedrooms) it is okay for her to continue the affair. I never agreed to the separation. She is using the children by telling them that I am not putting the children first in wanting to divorce.
    The affair came as a complete surprise and shock to me. Like all marriages we had our ups and downs, however my wife now tells me that our marriage was in trouble for years. Rather than talk to me about it, or try counselling, she chose to have an affair. Last weekend she even said, “everyone else … our friends, family and professional counsellors … all accept that there are two sides to every story”. I know that isn’t the case but it’s still distressing to hear the denial.
    It’s also hard to hear hurtful and cold hearted comments such as, “I don’t love you any more” and “our love will never be re-kindled” and “it’s not that I didn’t want sex … I just didn’t want it with you” and “I don’t find anything about you attractive”.
    I can’t claim to have been a perfect husband, but I have loved her with all my heart. I have given everything I have to our marriage and been loyal and loving. I believe in marriage. I believe that children need two parents. It tears me apart of think about our children who have done nothing to deserve the coming months. I have fought to the point of exhaustion to try and save our marriage, yet every thing I try is thrown back in my face. I have now reached the point where, for my own mental health, I need to start divorce proceedings. I have told my wife but I honestly don’t think she believes me. I have reviewed the draft letter from my solicitor and she will receive it in the next couple of days.
    My experience, and that of other betrayed spouses that I have talked to, is that cheaters show no empathy at all. My wife is still in the middle of her affair and apparently I should not expect anything whilst that is the case. She seems intent on destroying everything and justifies her actions by her “love” for her new partner. If someone caused this amount of pain through a physical assault, they would be sent to prison for life!

  • Kayla51

    Kayla51

    July 8th, 2016 at 6:33 PM

    Let me tell you. A marriage is over once a spouse brings in a third person. There will be no more truth , trust or love. I think in your situation the only answer is a divorce. Sometimes we have to go through the pain to see the light. Your wife clearly disrespected you on every level possible. And not only you, but also your children. You have to stand up for yourself and tell her “enough , no more “. Get yourself a good therapist. Get yourself an even better attorney and find for divorce. You cannot be married and date other people. Her idea of a marriage is selfish , evil and plain wrong. Put an end to it And keep your self worth. I divorced my cheating ex husband of over 20 years. It was the best decision I have ever made. Cheating Is a choice. My ex inflicted so much pain on me and my son. I will never go back there again. I divorced him and never looked back. My life is peaceful now. It’s amazing how happy you will be once you leave that drama. Getting out of the darkness is like an entire new life. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.

  • Bill E

    Bill E

    July 7th, 2016 at 6:42 PM

    I have been married to a very attractive Chinese woman that is now 46 for the last 10 years. We met and married in China when i was there working. When we met I thought wow, the perfect woman, just fantastic in all ways. The problem I think with narcissistic women like my wife is that they are very good at initially getting a guy so hooked on them that, well in my case, I saw the signs that I should have been concerned about but just never took them seriously. When we started having sex it was, honestly, better than i ever thought it could be, just fantastic, and the first time she did oral sex on me, i orgasmed in her mouth and she swallowed with absolutely no discomfort or problem at all, then later told me that she had only had sex with 2 men before we met and that orally that was the first time she ever did that to a man. And i just knew that sounded like nonsense, but let if fly by me. After living together in China for a year we got married, and everything started to change. The insults, at first very subtle, cutting me down in front of others, etc, etc, started. Then we came to my home country Canada and 4 years ago I found out she was hanging around with another guy, and twice in front of me she called him and told him she could not see him again, but still did until I finally said it ends now or I am gone. And she ended it because i took a job in another city and we moved. Of course, ever thought this situation lasted 4 months, she adamantly professed up and down he and her were only friends – so i asked her then why did you not introduce me to him as your husband, and she said he did not want to meet me.
    Then last year she went out one night with her gf’s and did not return home until the next day at 11am.. I was out of town, but a neighbor told me when i got home and i asked her about it and she said she stayed at at Vanessa’s place, a gf of hers. Then 6 months later we were having an arguement and i asked her again, where were u really that night and she said i told you before, i stayed at Tiffany’s place. I knew then for sure i had a big problem on my hands.
    Anyhow, 3 months ago she told me she wants a divorce, and we separated 6 weeks ago. She said she does not love me anymore, we can never be together again, etc, etc. Yet., she since we separated has asked me if i want to go to china in September with her, wanted to take me the other day on Fathers day for lunch, (we have no children together), yet still always starts an argument every single time we talk to each other. I have asked her if she has another guy since we separated and she say no not at all, but gets mad if i ask her this. I have read many articles since we separated and she is definitely narcissistic. I now beleive that she had a lot more men sexually before we met than 2, and also she cheated at least the 2 times i described here and probably even more during our marriage.
    I have asked her a few times since we split for the truth for closure on my part, she still says she never had sex with anyone since the day we married.
    I would really appreciate your comments and thoughts on this situation, what you believe is the truth, and you can be totally honest, open and to the point with me.

  • Kaya 51

    Kaya 51

    July 8th, 2016 at 10:33 AM

    In my opinion you need to let her go. It is very obvious that she does have someone else in her life. She gets offended and angry when you ask her about it. That’s s clear sign that she is guilty of something. Sometimes it’s better to let go of someone . Even if it hurts. You need to focus on yourself and not her. I have been in a similar situation. If you’d feeling tells you there is a new person it’s mostly true. Let her go and go on with your life. Life is too short to focus in people who inflict pain on us.

  • Bill

    Bill

    September 18th, 2016 at 10:09 PM

    Hey u all, and especially Kaya 51 – here is an update to my last posting here in July. Since then our contact is basically the same, one day she hates me, next day talking about slight chance we could talk about it and maybe salvage the marriage. Anyhow she told me while ago she was going to china in September to visit her parents and not sure if she was going even to come back to Canada. 4 days before she left to go to china, she called me one that day around 2pm and asked me if i would look at a contract she had and give her my views and thoughts. So i said yea ok, sure, where do u want me to meet u, and she said well i could come to your place, first time by the way she has ever been to my place since we split. So i gave her the address and said i have a few things to do, so come over around 9pm. So she showed up at 9pm and i was like wow, and even asked her, where u going later, and she said no where, just home from here, but i tell u, she had on a short short skirt, sexy top, heels , the whole get up. So we sat at my kitchen table and i read the contract, gave her my thoughts and changes i felt she should consider, etc. Well, i had the radio on and just by coincidence, the song that she and i always together called our song, from day one, started playing, and she said wow, there’s our song, and she said to me, want to dance to it for old time sake? and i said sure, why not. So we started dancing, it is a real slow love song, and as we danced she got closer and closer into me and i thought then, what the hell, why not? Give it a shot, and honestly, i had not had sex for a long long time, so i started kissing her neck softly, exactly as i had done the first time we ever had sex. And honestly, to my total surprise, she started kissing me and i thought don’t waste time here and diddle dally, so i had her undressed in record time, and the rest you know. And then the next night, and my God, the next night she came over each of those 3 nights and the 2nd and 3rd nights she stayed all night with me.
    So of course after this, i was thinking what any normal guy in my situation would think, she still wants me and now i have a real good chance to keep the marriage alive. Well the next day she told me she and her girfriend Vanessa were leaving early next morning on the ferry to Vancouver and flying to China at 1 pm or so. Then around 6pm she called me and said here and Vanessa are at the ferry terminal and getting on the ferry, and i said i thought u were going tomorrow morning and she said well Vanessa called her sister in Vancouver and we will stay there tonight instead of getting up so early tomorrow, and i said ok, have a good trip, and she said you be safe and take care and goodbye.
    Well the next day at work, i started thinking why did she call me and tell me she is at the ferry now, and only hours before had said they were leaving the next morning. And something was just nagging me about this, so i called the travel agent we use, and asked him when she is coming back and he told me, then i asked him who all went and he said my wife and vanessa, and i said and who else? And he hesitated and said a guy that is a friend of Vanessa went also, and i said and who was the fourth, just guessing, and he said oh another guy that is a friend of the guy that went with Vanessa. He also told me when i told him the wife and i have been separated for 5 months that she never told him about us apart now, and she has known him for years, he is a chinese travel agent here.
    So i thought, son of a bitch, she had told me 2 days ago only her and Vanessa were going. Then i thought if the other guy was a friend of the first guy, and nothing to do with my wife, why would she not tell me the 2 guys were going?
    So my initial reaction was to send her an email and say u rotten so and so, u come here to my place after 5 months and let me f__k u and u b__w me and we together went wild sexually, not once but 3 nights in a row, and the last 2 u sleep with me all night, all the time knowing u are going a few days later to china with another guy! and call her what i think she is etc, etc, but then i thought no, say absolutely nothing to her, get smart and now play the same game as she is playing with me, fight fire with fire, so to speak.
    And also act like i know nothing about 2 guys going with her and her girlfriend, if she still wants to when she gets back, if she still wants to come to my place and have wild sex with me, sure, why not?
    My thinking also is she has a chinese girfriend here that is divorced, 39, gorgeous, and before when the wife and i were together and fine, she had told me this gf of her’s told her she is very lucky to have a husband like me, etc etc. and the wife told me if we were not married or divorced some day, i could do her no problem, so i am thinking, ok, call her up, she knows wife and i are separated, invite her over, and if the chance is there, then yes, do her big time. And when the wife returns from china, do her too if she wants like she did just recently before she went to china. And eventually the wife will find out about her girlfriend and me, and when she does and goes off at me, then i tell her what is wrong with that, it was fine for you and Vanessa to take a couple of guys to china with u and never tell me, and also tell her, and i hope the guy and u have not been an item for a while, cause if so, he would not be happy hearing about the 3 nights before u went to china.
    Anyhow, i sure would appreciate some constructive honest feedback and anaysis from you all. Your comments and thought would be appreciated as well as therapeutic for me.
    Thanks, Bill

  • Kaya51

    Kaya51

    September 19th, 2016 at 3:34 PM

    I have one advice for you. Let her go and cut off all contact with her. Why are you with someone who clearly has no respect for you or clearly devalues you ? We deserve so much better. Focus on you and let that woman go.

  • Rogers

    Rogers

    July 9th, 2016 at 9:27 PM

    My common law wife was wonderful at first and slowly became tyrannical, fault-finding, and emotionally abusive. I worked so hard to support her and our son. She became completely disinterested in intimacy. She met an old boyfriend and began a four year affair with him, sleeping with him in our house, in motels and even rooftops, until he finally left his wife and she dumped me. She still denies their affair to me. Her friends have turned on her and told me everything. She hated being with me. She loves him more than anything and he is ugly, bankrupt, and has a large tax lien against him. No matter- she is actually proud of how she used me and discarded me for this cretin, this stoned loser. She even painted a picture of me in divorce court as a controlling chauvinist who forced her to stay home and cook and clean. Complete lie. She regrets nothing. Her life is now a wreck, greener pastures fertilized by bullshit, but she is still thrilled to have her man back- even though she was not much into him twenty years ago. I will never, EVER love anyone again. I cried in my bed every night for over a year while she joyfully made mad love to him in his. She took trips away in the car I bought for her. Sexted him on the cellphone I paid for, bought sexy outfits and lingerie for him on my nickel. God knows how many motel rooms I paid for. I’m done. I will master bate and live celibately the rest of my life. True love will never be mine.

  • Nikki

    Nikki

    July 25th, 2016 at 5:21 PM

    I’m sat at home and it’s now 1.08 am in the morning. My partner of 10 years told me he was going fishing in Weymouth but he is not there he is with a woman in another part of the country shagging her probably right now………he doesn’t know that I know. He is a compulsive liar and binge drinker and I know this so called relationship has come to an end but I can’t sleep, I’ve cried and feel so low that I too will never love anyone again……..lies lies and more lies…I think people who betray other people when they are in relationships are the lowest of the low, they are gutless and if they felt they needed someone else they should draw a line, let their partner know and then move on. I don’t want to live with a compulsive liar and cheat no one should but, it hurts like f…k. I hope that someday you get the future you deserve. Good luck on your path. Nikki

  • Tanya51

    Tanya51

    July 12th, 2016 at 10:30 AM

    Vengeance is never good. The best revenge is going no contact and living your life well. I could have destroyed my ex husband police officer career along with the cop cop workers. I had so much proof and pictures. My revenge was silence and taking him to court and getting alimony awarded. Vengeance should be left to God. My ex now lives the consequences of his evilness. He misses his only child who won’t speak with him. But he had his sex minions. Not my problem anymore. Don’t be revengeful. Hold your head up high , walk away and leave him to answer to the higher power. Otherwise you will portrayed as the “crazy ex wife”. My silence. My refusal to talk to him or answer to him,my no contact is my revenge. My power and covtr and most of all MY VICTORY.

  • Stephanie L.

    Stephanie L.

    July 17th, 2016 at 12:50 AM

    Thank you for all the amazing advice! Just what I needed! Thank you! God bless you!

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    July 25th, 2016 at 8:06 AM

    To Nikki
    Yes, this nightmare will end eventually. Will it be easy ? Absolutely not. You will go through different stages of anger, betrayal, sadness, grief etc. but you will get to the acceptance stage. Losing a spouse due to an affair is comparable to the death of a spouse. Maybe worse because you will many, many bad memories. What helped me tremendously after a long term marriage was to cut of all communication with my cheating husband. I filed for divorce , went through with it, end of story. I stood up for myself, I was done him making a fool out of me. I was done with the lies , the drama , him blaming me for the affair. Him trying to label me crazy and insane while he was sipping champagne with her on an exotic cruise. I was done him cuttibg of the family financially. I was just completely done. There was no trying to make it work. Once the trust is broken you will never get the truth back. Your “love” for him will never be the same. You will question every word. I , personally ,,was so disgusted just looking at him knowing he had sex with her on his nightshift. Sometimes in life we have to through painful trials to get better. I have recovered , I have healed and I moved on living a happy life. I admit I still have trust issues. This is why I have been single for over 3 years now to focus on me, to have God work in me. Stay strong. Good luck.

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    July 25th, 2016 at 5:03 PM

    I wanted to add that you cannot make someone love you. No matter how you change your appearance or what you do, once a spouse steps out of the marriage to attain happiness and freedom ITS OVER. its over for good and you will NEVER get the love you feel for this person in return. He completely disrespected you to engage in an affair . My ex husband planned his exit many months ,maybe a year behind my back. When I finally caught him in his lies, he left. He had everything in order already. Bank accounts were changed and he cut off any access. He stopped paying the mortgage, his sons college tuition and left my life in shambles. This was after a 20 years marriage. After I supported his army career moving around the world for him for many years. I was told “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore “. Translation : there is someone new and younger. I thought all my dreams and my future shattered into a thousand pieces. To be honest , it was a blessing. If someone wants to leave , let him go. It will set YOU free in ways you could never imagine. So grateful for s good attorney and for staying strong during the most difficult time in my life. Never give up hope.

  • Nikki

    Nikki

    July 26th, 2016 at 2:27 AM

    Thank you…….X Nikki

  • MrJ

    MrJ

    July 28th, 2016 at 4:27 PM

    The comments that people cheat because there was a failure in the marriage is simply not true. People cheat because they are selfish and there is opportunity. Found out wife has found someone to have sex with in cars at lunch throughout entire 20 year relationship. Unbelievable lier no remorse just that married sex boring and a thrill to sneak out with s coworker to an empty parking lot. Or across from a police station without getting caught. Going on before we even met. Cost her custody of children and zero alimony as marriage annulled by state and declared fraud.

  • Jen

    Jen

    August 8th, 2016 at 9:18 PM

    Tina – to your question about not wanting revenge. I totally get it. I can tell you this…I’ve spent the last 2 years wishing that my ex would implode with his girlfriend. Daydreaming and fantasizing about ways to expose the two of them for what they really are. Only in the last couple of weeks, have I started to shift my thinking. I highly recommend the book “Broken Open” by Elisabeth Lesser. It changed my perspective so much that suddenly, instead of making my ex’s life as difficult as possible and waiting impatiently for a sign that they were imploding or my ex was failing at life and wishing he didn’t make that selfish choice to cheat and leave….suddenly I found myself saying “I don’t care if you have Her around the kids.” He was STILL difficult (I won’t elaborate) but it made me see just what a sociopath he was. For the first time in two years, I let go of the rope. And his reaction….was to be even more demeaning, throw some punches to my gut (figuratively) and try to manipulate me into losing my shit at him. I almost did…but held back. And for the first time in 2 years…I can see him (them) from a distance, and it looks like a sad, sad picture to me. Older/aging man, young/desperate girl…I used to pray they wouldn’t have kids but now I realize…if they do….my ex is setting himself up for more stress, more financial obligations, and more drama. It’s exactly what he said he didn’t want. But yet…he’s running right towards it. I can see that now (2 years later!)
    The more I force myself not to want revenge or wish he’d “come to” the more he has been trying to connect with me. Sometimes to get closer, and sometimes to bait me and try and manipulate me into reacting. And as this dance plays out, I realize he’s sick. And sad. And frankly, a sociopath.
    I used to want to expose all of the lies he told to his girlfriend. Now…I think “I’m not going to help her. She’ll figure it out…years later. And then she’ll be me. And God will have taken over.
    I also used to want his parents to understand just how many lies he told, that he cheated first and then vilified me later, etc. A wise person said to me “you think they don’t know? You don’t become a liar overnight. That’s a learned skill. Lying has clearly been a winning strategy for him for a long, long time. You don’t get that skilled at lying, suddenly. His parents know. They know who their son is.”
    The book Broken Open helped a great deal. Shift our thinking….we keep living with truth and integrity and God will take care of the rest.

  • John

    John

    August 17th, 2016 at 8:55 PM

    My marriage of 23 years is coming to an end. I filed for divorce July 5, 2016. It ended so abruptly and quickly. At first I thought I needed closure, but upon talking to family and friends it seems I was the last person to know. I went to marriage counseling a year and half she would not attend. The counselor told me 3 months in you need to divorce this lady. The end was simple I noticed a change in make-up, then hair color knowing that it wasn’t for me. I found her phone and she was sexting a guy from another country…uh ok. She went on to tell me she had been had been talking to him for 2 1/2 months and he was telling her everything she wanted to hear and had mixed feelings. The next morning she bragged I’m still talking to him…ok cool. I filed for divorce and was out within a week. Sad thing is she me this guy playing an online game. So I was dealing with a fantasy relationship. You can’t compete with the so-called perfect guy online who is half her age she is turning 50. The crazy thing is I’m a wealthy guy and she spent tons of money playing this game. She is getting trolled and doesn’t even know it. After dividing a joint checking account so she could pay bills home is paid for. I started going online to check accounts that I trusted her to take care of…omg. She started sending money the day before I met with my lawyer through PayPal hooked up to joint account. Of course my comment via text was wow it sure is expensive to have someone tell you everything you want here. I have two sons ages 20 and 22 both living at home playing video games. These guys had it made they could have gone to college anywhere on my dime. Hence the point of contention my wife derailed me with them. I promoted education, sports and career. I was lied to for years bout grades etc…I’m doing very well plenty of tears, but I’ve had so many people tell me where would she be if she hadn’t married you? I’ve become a gym rat and a lot of church during this time. Divorce isn’t final waiting on appraisal then I will offer a settlement. I like my chances here of moving on successfully. Just in talking with people etc…it was all about the money and have realized this is the most dishonest person I gave ever met…cool. I’m not stupid I know it takes two to tango, but I tried my best. In the end some relationships aren’t worth saving c

  • Kitster

    Kitster

    August 20th, 2016 at 2:43 PM

    What a great website. Stumbled across this long stream of pain and insight today. Found out just two weeks ago my wife of forty plus years has had a string of affairs, going back at least twelve years. I was totally shattered. We were pastors. She did a masterful job of hiding the truth, but told a girlfriend years ago. One of our sons, now in his twenties, got to talking with my wife’s girlfriend, and in a moment of honesty, when my son affirmed what a great mother he had, faithful etc. her sudden silence and withdrawal made him start asking questions. He kept asking. Her refusal to lie and deny was the trickle that opened up the dam. It took a year, but finally came back to me and I asked her point blank and she admitted the “edited, sterilized” version. I went to her old girlfriend, asked for the whole picture. Wow. Sickening. The hypocrisy, betrayal. I had never touched another woman in forty years. I felt like a gorilla punched a fist into my chest and ripped my heart out. All the clues were there, especially the last five years. She smokes weed all day, everyday, drinks alcohol like a fish and takes a ton of prescription meds for depression, pain, ADD etc. She has shown no remorse, and sent me just two sentences of an apology in a couple of texts. Whenever i ask if she thinks we could be honest and come clean, she flies into a rage. She has asked me in a couple of texts if I can forgive her, or ever love her again. And of course, my answer is yes, but I don’t even know how many guys she’s been with. According to her, most of her problems are because of me. Five years ago she moved out of the “marital” home, a beautiful estate property on six acres we built twenty years ago, to move in a small vacation home we own in Hawaii. I’d fly there, or she’d fly back for a few weeks here and there. I didn’t have a clue she was having a string of affairs while I was gone.
    Most nights, she tells me (after drinking and smoking non stop) that we’re done, she wants a divorce, doesn’t want to be married to me, never really loved me, I make her depressed when I’m there, she’s not attracted to me, has no sexual interest in me etc. etc. In the morning, when the numbing effects of weed and alcohol have worn off, she is more like she used to be, and wants to try and save our marriage. But when I first found out, I stared at the wedding band on my finger that I’d worn for over forty years, then cut it off with a pair of bolt cutters.
    I sent her some articles I’d found on the web– that marriages can recover from infidelity. All that’s needed is honesty, transparency and forgiveness. I forgive easily, but she can’t. She has a great long list of trivial offenses I supposedly caused, going back to when we first married. And in the evening, when she is drunk and high, she goes off into these psychotic rages, screaming, raving, kicking, punching, and threatening. It’s a terrifying thing to witness. The next morning, she remembers nothing. Even her psychiatrist said the drug mix she was taking, along with alcohol, was extremely dangerous and toxic. Maybe I should add, I’m in great health, slim, full head of hair, work out and we really have no money problems, so her expressed disdain has more to do with perceived emotional issues. I’m not a control freak, love to dance, play music, don’t smoke or drink (which is part of the problem), and during the last couple of years, it has become apparent that she suffered abuse as a child, certainly as a teenager, and that this has a lot to do with her anger, grief, resentment and bitterness. This website has really helped me see how I need to (somehow) step back and find that place of release and peace, without allowing anger and pain to direct how I respond. All our kids are grown, and we have seven beautiful grandchildren. At night, she never wants to see any of her family again. Mornings… she starts to miss them. But when she enters her evening rage, she sends out hundreds of toxic texts– just extremely vicious, judgemental language, to the point where her grown kids have blocked her number. The last time she saw her oldest son in person (after no contact for 3 months) she sat down and began a rant about all the terrible things I had done, or not done. He soon stood up and told her she was crazy, that she was psychotic and needed therapy. Her response was to scream at him (in front of her own grandchildren) and told him to f**k off, and like that, and never come on the property again. Needless to say,a few days later, she claims he provoked her to say that and this is all her family’s fault. After trying to survive with this insanity for the last three years, then the discovery of these affairs, I’m realizing my wife must be mentally ill. Nothing else makes any sense. Her psychiatrist told her she had Panic Disorder, maybe PTSD, and BPD… My question is, how does an ordinary guy like me survive and find a way through this chaos? Our adult kids never want to see her again. She seems to think serial adultery is a trivial issue compared to their withdrawal, but I know her adult kids are shocked and angry that she has lied to all of us– especially as we have been in a position of supposedly living an example of fidelity and honesty. Yes, Vengeance is the Lord’s. The old testament prophet Hosea married a prostitute, and God pursued her with love. Jesus refused to condemn the woman caught in the act of adultery- and set her free- and I believe in that, but what I don’t know is do you try and live with a woman who reserves the right to continue her affairs-in secret? I don’t think so. If anyone has any insight on this, my broken heart would love to hear from you.

  • Ron

    Ron

    August 27th, 2016 at 6:46 PM

    I too have been stuck on the atonement of my now Ex-wife…For me it’s been hearing it from her, “I’m sorry”. We were married for 18 happily married years…yeah right. Then her complete disrespect and kicking me to the curb for her “boy toy” and complete entitlement that was so crushing. The lack of any empathy and coldness was her way of justifying the actions, that are contrary of a good Christian wife. I found out about her affair, confronted her, then she turned it back on me, blame shifted back upon me. Being a Christian, I was taught to stay and persevere. I had prayed, ‘God please take me, so she can have her happily ever after’, I know now, that was part of her manipulation over the years to be more spiritual than me. What I know, is if The Holy Spirit is dwelling within them, He will do the work. This gets back to the atonement that they cannot give, as it’s not within them to do so, only Jesus can do this. Over the past two years, all of the blogs, web sites, counselling has helped with all of the emotions boiling up, over in my mind and has been light switches being turned on, to help in seeing the truth of a toxic relationship and marriage to a woman that still hasn’t dealt with their past and wasn’t ready to have a God based marriage.
    To all those that are hurting now, I’d like to leave you all with this….Please don’t be so hard on yourselves. You tried as best as you knew how, yet our spouse wasn’t able or capable of doing the same. May God bless all the hurting ones and know that He has something so much better for all of us.

  • LiveWell

    LiveWell

    August 31st, 2016 at 10:12 PM

    Nice to know I’m not the only one! My ex narc hole who I now call (SATAN) is out of my life. Not only did he wreck multiple businesses, screw up business associates finances, try cheating with their wives, wooed, coerced, younger women, posted ads on dating sites, cheated more than 3x, came crying back and pulling the he didn’t do anything wrong boo hooo life is unfair hissy pissy fits, he managed to dupe friends, family, church associates, members of the community of what a great and upstanding father, friend, & all-around good guy, and husband. What a complete and utter bunch of crap. Make no pun or mistake about it, his life will always be about his wants, needs, & desires. Numero Uno, Mr. needs constant praise, admiration, and adoration. He will always need to be late so he can be seen walking in a door, he will always need his name on his license plate to overcompensate for his issues in life, he will always have to be loud and aggressive in restaurants so everyone will know he is there, he will always be in credit card debt, having issues with family, blaming other women, arguing back-n-forth with all his ex wives, drugs, porn, drinking, sex, money. One big cluster fudge lifestyle. No joke, he thrives off of chaos, instability, drama, and toxic spew. It really turns his adrenaline crank. Sick, sad, but true. His newest victim (22 years old) has no idea what an a** clown of man she has now allowed into her life. I kind of feel sorry for the gal, well, she’ll learn in about 6 weeks or so what a hell ride she is in for. Hopefully, her parents will step in and not allow the relationship, since Mr. Moron that is damn near 55 doesn’t realize or show any concern for someone half his age doesn’t need her life screwed up before it even has a chance to start. Glad to be done!

  • duday c

    duday c

    October 2nd, 2016 at 9:34 PM

    Nice suggestions . I was fascinated by the facts , Does anyone know if I could acquire a blank TX Final Decree of Divorce No Children copy to use ?

  • The Truth

    The Truth

    October 9th, 2016 at 5:00 PM

    Well unfortunately my Ex Wife turned out to be a real Filthy Whore that i never knew which at the time that i was married i was the Real Committed one since i was very loving, caring, and very Committed to her which i treated her with a lot of Respect which it still Wasn’t Good Enough for her. Unfortunately Most of the women are the Biggest of all Cheaters since they just Don’t know how to Commit to just only one man today. That is why Most of the Good old fashioned women years ago were the Best of all which it is sad that they’re all gone now.

  • Saad a

    Saad a

    January 18th, 2017 at 10:11 PM

    Hi i need some sort of advice

    i had said to my gf that tell me every thing about your past so that i will be more satisfied because i don’t want to here your past from other guys .last day i make a fake id and text to his some friend and then i get to now that she had given her pic to them also which i though i have because i had said to her that promise me that you will take care of your pic because it very important she said i promise of our relation ship that i will not send any pic of my to any facebook friend the pic she has send she was in relation with me in that time.she broke her promise i told her that you had broken your promise but infect that time i also said the please don’t do it again i trust you i love u.But surprisingly her answer is that you don’t trust me i don’t want to be in relation in which you don’t trust me and get going to investigate my self to other guys. I simply sad i don’t have problem that you broke your promise just simply be mine we not need any third person simple as that . but she does not talk to me all night she cut the call and don’t reply to my texts .my question is that all mistakes she has done but i am getting the punished why all the .

    I want her back she does not break up with me but what i do now that she come back to me without i beg her to come back its now challenging to my self respect.what i text her last msg i just need your advice’s to deal this sort of problem .

    Kindly reply me fast i am waitng

  • Gayle L

    Gayle L

    March 22nd, 2017 at 7:03 AM

    Ive been married for 30 years and been. With my husband since I was 18 he has addiction problems and it hoea on and off but this time he is out late every time I ask where he has been and he says scraping which he has buy he went to the boat sat doesn’t ever answer his phone or text from me he finally did and said im heading home at 3am he never called or text again got home at 1pm never talked to me or told me he was home i started asking why havent you talked to me or said your sorry Im the one that is working hes not and he knows im upset I can’t go to work on 3shift unless he talks to me its wed and he didnt come home to give me the car to go to work at 1130 he left at 8pm he left his phone at home he finally got home at 1230 pm said I said I wasn’t going to work I said I never said that he always turn the fight on me and said im so tired of you lying you are a whore of course I started yelling back saying im working and im here at home waiting to go to work don’t know where you are or if you have been hurt or gone to jail I hey very upset and say mean things that hurt.He has cheated on me before and he always say i want him on a leash I say if I did that I wouldn’t let you ho anywhere it doesn’t matter what I say he turns it on to me then I lose control im trying to just forget all of this because I wanted a im sorry. I know I won’t get one he never says it so I told him its like there is never a closure on the arguments and then there’s another one i don’t Want to leave because. I have nosupport no support because I have chosen to stay. With him i just need help on how to approach him and what to say so im not yelling. Right when he comes home so I missed work last night because he got home late he never said he was sorry and hes sleeping on the couch like nothing has happened and I had a Dr appointment yesterday he never asked what they said and I kinda got bad news my have to have surgery and nobody to talk to im stressed because im the only one working and im mot young 56 years old please any advice without me attacking him

  • Late Husband

    Late Husband

    April 16th, 2017 at 2:21 AM

    Omg. This is so true. So sad that it took me 15 years to figure it out. Now it’s just endless court fees and the kids suffer.

  • mjsqt

    mjsqt

    April 17th, 2017 at 6:30 PM

    This is a great article. Perhaps one of the best things I’ve read on the subject during my now almost 6 month separation. My wife ended our marriage with the worst possible treatment you can imagine. She served a restraining order to me in front of my children. I want and apology to me, but also to them. I’m having such a hard time getting over it. She has also tried to with hold the kids from me, which is just unimaginable. To think that someone I loved so much would torture me in the worst ways possible has been agonizing. I haven’t let go fully yet, but I’m getting closer. I finally initiate the divorce filing last week, because she never did. I didn’t want a divorce, but I’m not going to be strung along by her either, and I’m not going to pay for her lifestyle. So I’m starting to stand up for myself, but I’m still not over the loss, and the need for closure. This article tells me that I probably can’t expect to ever get closure from her and that I need to find it myself.

  • Blondina

    Blondina

    April 26th, 2017 at 9:49 PM

    Yes my husband is totally selfish, huge egomaniac, arrogant and narcicist, his the one who’se cheated, he refuse to communicate with me abbout the issue, he never talk and now his cheated on me, the worst part he blame me for all, always try looking the mistake that l’ve done, he never satisfy for everthing what l do, l never good enough for him, he use me, he never appologize, he say lm fool to let him go, he play mind games on me, whats wrong if he begging, kneeling and lf necessary kiss my feet, this man ego is too big, too arrogant

  • Blondina

    Blondina

    April 27th, 2017 at 9:00 AM

    And my husband always manipulated but l always stay this only for twin son and daughter, l want him have good father figure, l need him to change only for my twin child, lm not selfish to think this is only for me, l dont have love for him, but he push me, he threathened if lm not love him, he will leave us

  • Blondina

    Blondina

    April 27th, 2017 at 9:34 AM

    Only just two days l leave him only to visit my mom, his cheated affair and cheat cant be solution of the problem, he is proof that he is weak and selfish

  • Lizzie

    Lizzie

    April 28th, 2017 at 5:00 PM

    YES! Exactly. He even sent me a letter last week saying he is innocent and Confused by what I did. When he was asking these 4 woven fabric for sex and arranging sex meeting, he was just talking and he never slept with Michele. He left out any other names. He says how I hurt him, but he knows I will be OK. He honestly thinks I believe his BS. I read “Let Your Love Shine” and now “CoDependent No More” and what I can on emotional abusers, as well as having weekly therapy. I am not alone, you are not alone. We are not crazy, we are not at fault (except for being Co-dependents.) Since I was the breadwinner, I am waiting to see how long before he misses my money. I really allowed a lot of poop! I allowed him to treat me like dirt, while I lived and helped him. He will never admit to being the scum he is.

  • Javelias

    Javelias

    July 14th, 2017 at 6:20 AM

    I would like to say thank you for this article. I’ve passed most of the stages you speak of, although some are ongoing still after 3 years. There is one thing about acceptance (that no apology will be given due to lack of empathy) I I did not read in your article which does trouble me still today. It can happen that the person who betrayed you is not only someone who you deeply loved, but that you are also that type of person that cares deeply for their well-being after the break and.. silence does continue to hurt since it acknowledges the knowledge that she/he will “not be well” at all. Exactly because they lack empathy they will hurt others as well or worst case become very unhappy. I have suffered a lot these last years but still I would I’m a very happy person because of who I am and how that makes me feel stronger and at ease inside. I’m an ENFP (Meyers-Briggs model) and an HSP, without me caring munch about labels, it was a discovery thanks to self-reflection after the break. The many accusations I got from being to sensitive. I simply did not understand what was going on, nor inside me, nor what was wrong with being so sensitive. I was raised a bit too well, over-protected some might say, with notions of Karl Jung or Immanuel Kant as background education from one of my parents. Jung speaks of personalities formed half genetic half environmental and Kant speaks about morality as a duty towards yourself and mankind. It is hard, very very hard, to let go of the hope that some day that cruel apathic person you love will encounter someone or something that makes them a better person.
    “Hope is the last thing that goes away” a doctor told me back then years ago. She had the wrong environment to carry the weight of what I was implicitly demanding of her: to be a good person. She was 15. Yes you read this right. A shock isnt it ? I was 34 back then. And she will probably be the only child I ever carry in my heart. I brought her to school often, helped her with homework, without realizing it I felt like her father, only I wasn’t. I couldn’t grasp it back then, how it was possible that she would treat me so cruelly after all that I’ve done for her. But she kind of gave the answer herself at the end telling me to stop believing in “that one good side of her”. It is horrible, absolutely hauntingly mad, to accept such an answer from someone you care so much about. And a part of me does not want to let go of the hope she will discover what it means to be good.

  • Deb

    Deb

    July 24th, 2017 at 9:59 PM

    My living, caring, kind husband of 25 years moved out while I was at work last week. I came home to find a note saying our marriage had run its course and there’s nothing else to say. I was served divorce papers. I’m shocked and devastated. Not just that he’s gone (dont know where he is and won’t respond to calls or texts unless it is a legal matter) but the cruel impersonal way he left. No one can believe he would do that. I’ve begged him to talk to me it explain and I get silence. I’ve asked him to help me understand because he knows how horrifying this is for me. I’ll never get an apology or explanation. What hurts the most is the lack of basic respect for the 25 years we shared, for the deep love I have for him, for the life we shared. There’s no compassion from the person I trusted with my life. Irs agonizing.

  • Jen

    Jen

    July 25th, 2017 at 11:52 AM

    Almost identical to my situation almost 3 years ago (except not only was there no legit explanation; rather, he left me with two little kids under 5 yrs. old). Close to 100% odds he met someone else. These men are cowards and I can tell you that after agonizing suffering and wondering “why” for the 1st 1-2 years, I never got an apology or honest response from him (except now my kids see HER on his time with the kids, the person he bolted to that I had to find out about on my own). I thought my husband was wonderful and happy as well…no fighting and only adoration from him. I can tell you this….the sooner you can accept that he is no longer the person you thought he was (and perhaps he never was) and the sooner you can let go of needing an explanation, the sooner you will be able to find happiness. Don’t get me wrong….to this DAY I sometimes long for an explanation or apology (or remorse, regret….anything). But I’ve never gotten it and I doubt I ever will. I finally got distracted enough to stumble into a wonderful man a year ago, who has brought more laughter and genuine love into my life than I ever knew was possible. In the meantime, the ex-husband still continues his disrespectful “dismissal” of me, our family, my feelings, and our children (by abandoning me/them to run to HER).
    I pray you will be able to find peace….these men are sociopaths who pretended to be “good guys” and eventually the mask slips off….never to be worn again (with you). SHE can have him…from what I hear he’s now cheating on HER with someone else. JUSTICE.

  • Shanda

    Shanda

    August 18th, 2018 at 4:21 AM

    This article explains me to a T. I have been bantering and uncharacteristically contacting this person I put so much of my faith into. So much so that it’s almost like I lied to myself. It has been almost a year and a half and he is happily “together” and sleeping in my motor home that I bought to bring our family closer together with her and my babies.. The more I tell him just how deep my pain goes he flips it on me like I am a maniac who shan’t feel as deeply as i do and a homicidal suicidal freak nobody but he knows me better then anyone. So I am the one to blame and should MOVE ON But who is gravelong at his feet but that is not it’s all… I AM SO BETRAYED AND THE LONGER I This article explains me to a T. I have been bantering and uncharacteristically contacting this person I put so much of my faith into that it’s almost like I lied to myself. It has been Malay a year and a half and he is happily “together” and sleeping in my motor home that I bought to bring our family closer together. The more I tel him just how deep my pain goes he flips on me like I am nothing and nobody who is gravelong at his feet but that is not it’s all… I feel SO BETRAYED AND THE LONGER I AM IN CONTACT With THIS BRICK WALL THE MORE I GIVE HIM THE ABILITY TO BETRAY ME OVER AND OVER. I just never thought he could be so cruel. And forget my light… But he is the most cruelest person I have ever known. He would rather offer me pain by rubbing it my face that he and his infidel went to Vegas by sending along the souvenirs when I have the kids and rushing out to make sure i see his tan than just to say to me “hey Shanda you know what… I did have deep love for you but it changed and I fell for someone else and I couldn’t help that…I don’t want you to suffer anymore… I’m sorry it is what it is” instead he sends me custody affidavits and breaks me all over again. It wasn’t like throwing me out, losing my house, children, husband, luxuries, job, friends, my own family and even my dog wasn’t loss enough. She posts my dog on her Facebook and I am not supposed to feel. I let go today. He can’t have any more of my heart. He doesn’t treat it like it sooooo deserves. I am tired of being to blame when things go wrong for them…adultery is a act against god, love, faith, family, and commitment and I don’t even want to be mean in return I give I don’t want the martyr I haven’t for a log time I just want truth and justice to prevail so I’m not stuck any longer. That will never happen so I am just done CE LE VIE R***** be happy and loved always.

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