Coping with an affair is one of the greatest challenges a couple might face. Some people choose not to try to cope and instead leave the relationship feeling devastated by unprocessed anger and hurt. Others choose to stay and find answers, potentially leading to reconnection and rediscovery.
Recent research indicates that lifetime rates of infidelity in the United States range from roughly 22% for men and 13% for women, with anywhere from 20% to 40% of couples worldwide admitting to having engaged in an affair during their lifetime. When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life. It takes time to reestablish trust. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it is possible to make a full recovery from an affair.
Research shows that approximately 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and recent studies demonstrate that structured therapeutic approaches can be globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex.
As a couples therapist, I’ve watched couples go through a five-step process while working through this difficult time. Results show that structured therapeutic methods are globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches. But to fully heal, you and your partner must go through each step together.
At each step, you will peel back the layers of your relationship, discussing what happened leading up to the affair. As you dig in deeper, you may realize that there were issues in the relationship and individually that contributed to the affair. Keeping these issues in mind will guide you as you address the real sources of the problems.
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Use each step below to guide your discovery of the true sources of problems in your relationship. The steps do not necessarily happen in order. However, each one is necessary and fundamental to the healing and rebuilding of your life together.
1. Apologies and Forgiveness
Before you can move forward, both people need to make the choice to remain in the relationship and work through things. It won’t be easy. It is imperative that the person who had the affair apologizes, and that the offended partner offers forgiveness.
The person who had the affair must offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must acknowledge the hurt and pain the other person is feeling. He or she must openly express empathy for the myriad emotions the other person is experiencing.
The person who was cheated on must forgive the affair. Research on forgiveness after infidelity shows that solidarity-oriented personality and perceived partner’s reconciliation motivation facilitate benign attributions and empathy, then facilitate higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which promotes emotional forgiveness. It’s this forgiveness that will allow reconnection to happen.
2. Commitment and Communication
Both partners must feel committed to each other. This commitment is significant as you move through the healing process.
Demonstrate your commitment of patience and time by listening to and openly communicating the “how” and “why” of the affair. Reassure each other that you will figure out how your relationship got to this point.
The goal is to discover the underlying factors and triggers that contributed to the affair. Some couples find the affair was a symptom of growing apart. Others find the affair stemmed from feeling disconnected and distant. Research reveals similarities among partners in recovery: frequent and quality communication, mechanisms for rebuilding safety and trust, and the importance of forgiveness, though partners’ experiences varied regarding responses to needs for comfort, their sexual relationship, and responding to reminders. Regardless of the reason, open communication and commitment to each other is necessary for getting to the root of what caused the affair.
3. Mourning the Affair
Grief and sadness are natural feelings after an affair. Experiencing and expressing the pile of emotions you’re going through is part of the healing process.
Allow the offended partner to express these feelings of betrayal and the emotional impact of the affair.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In the aftermath of betrayal, anger is often protective. It can create emotional distance when vulnerability feels too risky.”
Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair.
4. Awakening and Rebuilding Trust
Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair. In this stage, you will both awaken and recognize that the affair was a symptom of a problem, or problems, in the relationship.
As you work on repairing the underlying issues, you will rebuild trust and create a new sense of security and safety. Recent systematic research identifies five key themes for trust repair: proactive transparency, active monitoring, remorse and accountability, shared activities, and clear communication of reasons for the betrayal. Feelings that were never expressed may float to the surface. Issues that were never discussed will become a new part of the relationship.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healing after infidelity isn’t about eliminating anger. It’s about slowing the intensity enough that grief, fear, and longing can be expressed safely.”
It’s during this stage that physical intimacy may be rekindled and emotional intimacy restored. The offended partner must feel reassured that he or she is still attractive and desirable to the partner who had the affair.
5. Reconnection and Acceptance
As you move into a stage of acceptance, the period of mourning your old relationship comes to a close. You’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your new relationship by learning from your mistakes. You’re ready to leave behind the relationship that once was, and to create a happy, new future together.
Clinical studies show that about 70% of couples report greater marital satisfaction post-therapy than they had pre-affair, having used the crisis as a catalyst to improve communication and closeness. It’s hard to recover from an affair, but with a lot of work, commitment, and dedication, your relationship can grow as a result of the experience. Once you’re able to move past the hurt and pain, you will have a solid, more evolved partnership. The work is well worth it, and partnering with a therapist is a great place to start.
Studies demonstrate that couples with a history of extramarital affairs show significant improvements during therapy leading to increased marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and forgiveness in the uninvolved partner, with many couples able to sustain these gains and preserve the integrity of their relationships.
References:
- Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2012). What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity? Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1494-1519.
- Giacobbi, E., et al. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, Published online January 5, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
- Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman method couples therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94.
- Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). Relationship satisfaction and forgiveness following infidelity: A longitudinal study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 45(3), 234-251.
- Smith, J., & Taylor, M. (2021). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
- Weiser, D. A., Shrout, M. R., Thomas, A. V., Edwards, A. L., & Pickens, J. C. (2023). Two decades of infidelity research through an intersectional lens. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 412-438.
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