A long time ago, my (much older) bachelor next-door neighbor confided in me that his pleasure in life was purely “sartorial.” Unfamiliar with the term, I ran to my dictionary and learned sartorial meant “pertaining to clothing, especially men’s.” But this distinguished college professor was—his clothes appeared unremarkable, plain, and masculine.
As we became better and better friends, he confessed to me that his sartorial interests were with feminine clothing, and that he had been wearing female lingerie under his tweed suits for many years. He lamented that he had lost his last girlfriend years before when “the allure of her panties reared its satin head.” What offered a sexual turn-on for him was a turn-off for her.
He wanted my help with shopping for dresses, but I was wearing work shirts and overalls—this was the early 1970s, and nobody condemned me for dressing like a male farm worker! Since I couldn’t offer shopping assistance, I spent time with him and listened.
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Since that time, I’ve learned much more about cross-dressing, now more commonly referred to as gender expression that varies from societal expectations. Cross-dressing itself is simply a clinical term, and most people who cross-dress do not have transvestic disorder. [UPDATED: It’s important to distinguish between cross-dressing as personal expression and transvestic disorder as defined in clinical contexts].
Research shows that 87% of male cross-dressers describe themselves as heterosexual, and 60% were married at the time of survey. Rather than choosing “macho professions to hide,” many people simply work in various fields while managing their personal expression separately from their professional identity.
Current understanding recognizes that cross-dressing exists on a spectrum of gender expression, distinct from gender identity. Transvestic disorder occurs when cross-dressing causes significant distress or impairment to daily life, but this represents only a small subset of people who engage in cross-dressing behaviors.
I don’t know what happened to Henry. I know he yearned for a female partner who would understand. He especially hoped that one day he would marry a woman who could accept him with all his quirks and proclivities. Back then I don’t believe there was as much support available as there is now.
Individuals reading this while exploring their gender expression might be concerned about being discovered. This fear is shared by many people who cross-dress. Rather than outdated resources, current support includes professional therapy specifically trained in gender and sexuality issues, as well as evidence-based online communities and educational materials. Modern gender-affirming care emphasizes patient-centered approaches and coordination between providers to optimize outcomes.
but it can help you find peace with yourself, especially if your intimate relationships are being adversely affected. Support groups and psychotherapy aimed at self-acceptance and reducing risky behaviors can be particularly helpful.
So, what if you’re a wife or girlfriend discovering your partner’s gender expression? I recommend a 90-day “chill” period before taking any drastic measures.
Talk to them about what they do and why. Current research-based resources for partners include educational materials from professional organizations and evidence-based support groups]. Research shows that a quarter of women report at least occasional positive responses to their partner’s cross-dressing, and acceptance is often linked to discovering the behavior before marriage and having open communication about it.
Professional support organizations continue to provide resources for cross-dressers and their families, offering everything from education to community support]. Organizations like Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self) serve as educational, social, and support groups for heterosexual cross-dressers, their partners, and their families.
One wife told me years ago that it would have been easier to accept her husband if he announced he was gay. She felt scared she would lose “the butch part of him—the manly part.” That didn’t happen. Over time, she came to terms with it: “There are worse things he could be doing, and I’ve found he’s the same guy I fell in love with before he broke out the Little Bo Peep outfit for Halloween. I don’t always condone his fashion statements, but I don’t need to divorce him, either.”
Modern relationship research emphasizes that successful navigation of these issues requires open communication, education, and often professional support for both partners. Studies indicate that relationships can maintain quality and satisfaction when both partners engage in maintenance activities that buffer challenges and focus on relationship positives].
References:
- Docter, R. F., & Prince, V. (1997). Transvestism: A survey of 1032 cross-dressers. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26(6), 589-605. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1024572209266
- Psychology Today. (2024). Transvestic disorder. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/transvestic-disorder
- Bullough, V. L., & Weinberg, T. S. (1994). Women in relationships with cross-dressing men: A descriptive study from a nonclinical setting. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 23(5), 515-530.
- Coleman, E., Radix, A. E., Bouman, W. P., Brown, G. R., de Vries, A. L. C., Deutsch, M. B., … & Arcelus, J. (2022). Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8. International Journal of Transgender Health, 23(sup1), S1-S259.
- Moini, J., & Ahangari, R. (2024). Cross-dressers. In Foundations of the Mind, Brain, and Behavioral Relationships (pp. 285-290). Academic Press.
- Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self). (2024). Educational and support resources for cross-dressers and families. https://www.triess.org/
- McCann, E., Brown, M., & McCormick, F. (2021). The quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships in transgender people: A systematic review of the literature. International Journal of Transgender Health, 22(1-2), 4-22.
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