Five Truths Every Married Person Needs to Know about Affairs

Coworkers kissing over desk“The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.”
– Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends”

AFFAIR  – The word that no married person ever expects or wants to hear. Though 90% of people surveyed say affairs are “wrong,” they are happening every day and in increasing numbers. Here are five facts that are important for married people to know about infidelity.

1. Estimates are that 25%-40% of women and 50%-60% of men will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage. Affairs happen for many reasons – we commonly hear:

  • My needs were not being met – emotionally or sexually.
  • I was bored, unloved or unappreciated.
  • I tried to talk with him/her but things didn’t change; the change didn’t last.
  • I felt hopeless and gave up trying.
  • His work was more important than me.
  • The kids were more important than me.
  • He didn’t listen; He wasn’t affectionate; He didn’t make me feel special.
  • She never wanted to have sex; Having sex was an obligation to her; I couldn’t make her happy; Nothing I ever did was good enough.

Then one day he/she starts talking with someone else of the opposite sex, at work, in the neighborhood, at the gym, on-line, in a chat room and shares the discontent in their relationship. The other person listens with empathy and shares dissatisfaction in his/her relationship. A bond, a sharing of intimacies and emotions; boundaries crossed, secrecy. An affair is born.

2. 85% of affairs begin in the workplace.
Think about the amount of time you spend with your spouse vs. the amount of time you spend with co-workers. Day after day, maybe 40+ hours a week, you and your colleagues share the ups and downs of work; you bond over projects, successes and difficulties at work. The close interaction, travel, and unavoidable closeness may lead to strong friendships and emotional attachments outside your marriage. The workplace provides opportunity and proximity to people outside your family. Women’s increasing entry into the workforce has correlated with a rise in the number of affairs women are having. It’s no wonder the workplace is the most common place affairs start.

3. Emotional infidelity can be as or more damaging to a marriage than physical infidelity.
Innocent flirting and office banter turns into lunch together, texting or emailing in off hours. Correspondence enters the personal realm and you begin to share intimate details about your life and relationship with this person. The secret feels exciting as you hide it from your spouse and rationalize that this is not “cheating” since there is no physical contact; but the emotional attachment you develop with this person can be devastating to your spouse. The more intimate the connection with someone outside your marriage, the deeper the head and heart bond with your spouse becomes compromised. A physical affair may not be far behind.

4. The internet, email, cell phones and Facebook have made it easier for people to cheat.
Curiosity about high school sweethearts, old flames from college and lost loves can be dangerous, especially when there is a drifting or emptiness in your marriage. Romantic memories, alluring and powerful, can lead you down a path of unexpected consequences. With the click of a mouse and the least harmful of intentions you search for an old love. Taking the next step by emailing or friending him/her on Facebook seems harmless enough. However this may begin an unanticipated cascade of dreamy feelings and thoughts. Not sharing this with your spouse can lead to an “accidental affair.” And for the record, flirting and sexual interactions through email, text, pictures and video are cheating.

5. After an affair, 65% of marriages end; 35% of couples continue the marriage.
For some people an affair is a deal breaker and the betrayed partner cannot fathom continuing the relationship under any circumstances. For some the affair is their ticket out of the marriage; the result of a string of events that is the final breaking point in a marriage. Then there are the couples who are uncertain or want to save their marriages after an affair; they end up in our office.

There is hope; some couples do survive and thrive after an affair is revealed. We strongly believe that with therapy, time, patience and work couples can journey together toward deepening their relationship and building a stronger, closer bond than they had before.

© Copyright 2011 by By Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, therapist in Owings Mills, Maryland. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Claire F

    Claire F

    July 22nd, 2011 at 6:18 AM

    It is easy to say that an affair would be a deal breaker. But I have been there, and even though I always thought that I would leave after something like this happened, it was a different story when it actually happened to me.
    I loved my husband and even though it broke my heart for this to have happened to our marriage we decided to work through it. I was not meeting his needs and honestly he was not meeting mine either, he just chose to express it in a different way.
    This was not an easy journey for us but it happened and we navigated through it. It is possible to make it after this. It does not feel like it but it is.

  • Joan

    Joan

    June 28th, 2016 at 4:41 PM

    I hate to hear that the infidelity is “blamed” on the betrayed spouse. It is NEVER the fault of the betrayed. Ever. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    June 29th, 2016 at 7:44 PM

    Joan, Yes, when a person has an affair they must own responsibility for that choice.

  • Mannly

    Mannly

    July 29th, 2016 at 10:55 AM

    It IS the betrayed fault to some extend whn they ignore the needs of their spouse. I hate it when people dont take responsibility for their neglect. You dont sleep with your man/woman and expect them to be okay with that indefinatly? That is the trap of many low libido spouses. And its wrong and it certainly IS part of them who needs to accept blame.

  • Punxxx

    Punxxx

    August 31st, 2016 at 6:39 PM

    It is never the fault of the spouse who was cheated on. If you don’t feel loved or appreciated or if you’re not getting enough sex from your partner, then you leave the relationship. You cannot use those things as an excuse to break someones trust and have an affair behind their back. If you really want someone else and they want you back, then leave the person you are with and just be with the new person. You cannot have both if you’re partner believes you two are monogamous.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 1st, 2016 at 11:38 AM

    Mannly and Punxxx, I wanted to address the points you made. Each spouse in the relationship is responsible for the state of the marriage before one partner has an affair. And they are each responsible to communicate to the other if they are unhappy or dissatisfied emotionally or sexually. The choice to have an affair and betray a spouse as a way to cope with that unhappiness or emptiness sits squarely on the shoulders of the person who chose to have the affair. When couples come to therapy as a the result of an affair, the betrayal is the first and primary focus for a while. Only after that is worked on can the couple look at the parts they each played in the breakdown of the marriage. Take care, Lori

  • Kathy

    Kathy

    January 2nd, 2017 at 4:07 PM

    We talk about the cheating spouse not getting their needs met leading to affairs. What everyone neglects to mention is the spouse who was getting cheated on also was not getting his/her needs met before the affair but chose not to cheat. Why does everyone think the cheating spouse was this wonderful, terrific, ignored spouse before the affair. This is someone who was so self-involved he/she convinced herself it was perfectly okay to break a sacred promise to the person who loved them the most in the whole world. If you cheated, there is a pretty dang good chance you were a totally sh*t spouse during your affair and a fairly sucky one before. Marriage problems are not one person’s fault ever. Cheating, however, is.

  • ali

    ali

    January 8th, 2017 at 7:44 PM

    mine had affair with coworker and still working there. refused to resign but saying their affair is over. how to believe? also he blames me for his affair. yes leaving is not so easy . staying for kids.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 9th, 2017 at 11:02 AM

    Ali, It would be very hard to trust someone who blames you for his affair. Affairs are never the “fault” of the person who is betrayed. I understand your desire to stay for the kids. Some of my clients stay for that reason. Others want their kids to see a nurturing and loving relationship and choose to leave in hopes of finding a healthier relationship. What hurts kids the most if you stay is chronic arguing and conflict. Staying or going is one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make. You could always go to a relationship counselor to at least discuss your options. Take care, Lori

  • A.L.

    A.L.

    April 26th, 2017 at 6:55 AM

    “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

  • lee

    lee

    June 30th, 2017 at 9:40 AM

    married about 9 years met my wife who had a child previously ,child wasn’t even 1 at the time fast forward we both have messed up and neglected each other but within in last year found out after having 5 total kids that the last child isn’t mine an I didn’t even kno she was cheatin left her phone unlocked seem years of chatter turns out kid before the last one she was cheatin but luckily baby was still mine this time dna test an the new baby isn’t what shud I do

  • AF

    AF

    February 5th, 2018 at 9:51 AM

    Absolutely – I agree 100%. My wife had an affair about 8 years ago – luckily it was short and she only slept with the guy once. We went to counseling, I learned that she was very unhappy and had checked out of the marriage, and was planning to leave. We’re now years down the road and things are coming up again, and I’ve essentially learned that she doesn’t feel it was an affair because she was unhappy and was planning to leave. So, basically the affair was my fault. This difference of opinion is difficult to navigate. I feel like her POV is extremely selfish and cold. We’ll see. I of course blame myself in many aspects – I never wanted to be a poor partner/husband/father/lover/friend, etc. But I do know that I can’t imagine ever cheating on her – it’s left a little emptiness inside of me. I love her and want our marriage to work, but it’s REALLY tough to get over being betrayed by the person closest to you.

  • SK

    SK

    August 30th, 2016 at 3:23 PM

    My husband cheated on me right after our 1st Anniversary.
    I always said that I would leave a man if he ever cheated on me. It’s definitely easier said than done. I love my husband more than anything, and it was very hard, especially since he cheated on me with someone I thought was my friend, who just so happened to be living in my house. I was heartbroken. But, I remembered that no one is perfect. I realized that his needs weren’t being met because of my depression, and I needed to take responsibility and fix it. So, I pulled myself out of it with his help and my therapist. I am a very strong believer that things happen for a reason, whether they are good or bad. This affair got me out of my funk and made me realize what was happening.

    I still kind of blame myself for the affair happening, but I know that it’s not true, and I am working on it. Now, my marriage is better than it was when we first got married. I’ve forgiven my husband, and we are going to try having a baby soon within the next year.

    I still have my rough days, but that’s just life. I still don’t completely trust him, but I know that will heal in time. I’m really glad to know that I’m not the only person who is still giving their spouse a chance when it comes to affairs.

    Thanks to everyone who is sharing their story. This is definitely a topic that isn’t talked about very much.

  • lee

    lee

    August 31st, 2016 at 5:18 PM

    im in the beginning stages of forgiving my wife. i also thought it would be a deal breaker but my love for her convinced me otherwise, thanks for the insite

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 1st, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    Lee,
    Thanks for sharing! Lori

  • Mike

    Mike

    January 17th, 2017 at 1:58 PM

    This is an excellent string of notes, thanks everyone for sharing such a very difficult topic.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 17th, 2017 at 7:36 PM

    Mike, Thanks for your comment. Affairs cause tremendous pain. Being able to share your story and also see that you are not alone feels tremendously supportive and helps to heal. Lori

  • Mike

    Mike

    January 27th, 2017 at 5:28 PM

    thanks so much. The comments here have lifted my heart, prim

    Thanks so much. I wanted to say how much I appreciate that Affairs should be seen as a boundary issue…as well it should. during the 80s when I was going though the throws of my wife’s betrayal, it seemed therapists were really determined to find something that drove the spouse to this lowly, desperate behavior. however during the course of therapy she has been described as “viscously willful”, needy, dependent, and primarily that she did this out of the deep fear that I would do it first! Seems her father had lied to them for years about an affair, before being discovered and abandoning them all after 5 years of being with this other woman. seemingly, I was surfing the consequences of her fathers betrayal. she would cry every time we visited her family and plead with me to never have an affair as it would surely kill her. It was an easy promise for me to make and keep. Oddly, not for her. years later she was diagnosed with PMDD…ahh, explained the Jekly/Hyde mood swings. I have also been told that she is likely on the spectrum of Borderline Personality Disorder. she had come from a family of alcoholics… And though she is not a drinker, she has an alcoholic personality… Secretive, don’t talk about the family, escalating easily, etc.
    I was further victimized by therapists who searched for the “easy” answer that I must be neglectful or some terrible thing… Having PTSD I was unable to communicate her behaviors that had me tied into knots before it happened. the. She had the gall to blame me for her behavior (with a married fellow) that she was working with. the truth of the matter is, it was one self pitying knuckle head meeting another and hooking up. Her behavior was to much for me to comprehend. the level of hypocrisy is beyond the pale.
    I stayed, her leaving the job was non negotiable as was her providing all details including his name and how many “dates” in intimate detail if she wanted to remain married. to her credit, she did all that was asked. She is educated, a great grandma now, and moods have mellowed considerably with time, meds, work. so, that’s my back ground. I also went back to school and earned an MA.CSL, though I don’t work in the field.
    My questions… I figured out that I likely do not truly know her sexual back ground…seems like a fundamental right for relationships…I was honest, (and very limited), but she was not. sometimes I’m really bothered by it, I want to know…or do I? I’d appreciate some comments about this. also, I am sometimes bowled over by the thought of “the act”, like a punch in the stomach. What really angers me is how she “down played” what she did like it wasn t a big deal…and also saying one time “this was a special thing, I wouldn’t do this with just anyone”. (And yet she did)… I’m exasperated at times never really getting a sense of remorse from her…I don’t think she knows what that is. she does bower seem to want to find some level of intimacy that was lost…I’m open to it, but she has to lead the way as I have no idea what she has done in this “other life” she has led.
    We have common interests, I am physically attracted to her still. But I am bother by these aspects still after 20 plus years. so yes, I completely consider affairs as a “boundary” issue…crass and despicable. there are plenty of other options that prove a person has character and integrity with honest disagreements with a spouse.
    Regards…

  • Joan

    Joan

    October 3rd, 2016 at 6:05 AM

    Do not believe that it was your fault. It was not. It was a character flaw within him, not you. Read the pieces on infidelityhelpgroup.com . They are eye opening.

  • mike

    mike

    January 21st, 2017 at 5:18 PM

    May I Contribute to the conversation? I also have a question or two.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 22nd, 2017 at 7:45 AM

    Mike, Absolutely! Join the discussion. Take care, Lori

  • Island Boy

    Island Boy

    April 28th, 2017 at 6:26 PM

    Wow Mike I’m so sorry for your experience. Your situation sounds so much like mine. I was married for some 20+ years before learning of my wife’s dirt. I saw her change in dressing and movements and decided to do something that I would never do, place a recording device in our car. I monitored her placing a call to me chatting for a few seconds and telling me she had to go before her prepaid cell time expired, then place a call to this guy whom she would talk with all the way to her destination. She one evening goes to his house, and while I’m dropping our daughter off to dance as well as encouraging and counseling our then teen son who was going through a crisis, I’m trying to reach her and she’s not answering her phone for a least an hour or two. Eventually I get her and she tells me that she was at her parents house along with some other story. I retrieved the recording device from the car a played it only to hear the most gut wrenching things that instantly shattered my trust, hope and respect for her and marriage. I love our children and have been hanging in for them more than us. Eventually the desire to make it work started to give birth, however she has yet to own up to what has happened and its only because iv’e confronted her and she denied the event and it was only when I revealed the recording that she even confessed it. She has yet to admit that she was wrong and my life seems to be a wreck because I’ve pretty much had so much trust and respect for her. (I didn’t mention that this is my second marriage, and my first wife did the same thing) Anyway it stinks and I can’t understand why people who are not serious and respects marriage just leave the people who are alone and stay out of the way. There is just so much to this that I could not write it all.

    Please excuse the grammatical errors.

  • Michael

    Michael

    December 8th, 2017 at 4:03 AM

    I’m just blown away that significant others can even find time to ‘play,’ with kids at home & spouses who expect them to be home after work, then come home like everything’s OK.

  • Pat

    Pat

    October 25th, 2016 at 7:49 PM

    My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 years now. He has always been ok with wanting to get married, but I’m not. I have been married 2 times and both time divorced due to infidelities. I have two children from each marriage and my boyfriend who is also divorced has a child. His ex-wife was also unfaithful to him. a A few days back (my boyfriend was not home), i noticed multiple beeps coming from his ipad. Im not the jealous type, but since it was a multiple times I reached to to the ipad. I saw in FB msg., a chat from one of his girlfriends from FB. kissing faces, calling him affectionate names and asking if he remembers when they meet. when he did not responded, she asked “are you still working” i have not yet confronted him because as I write to you, I can feel butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to think this over and not act out of impulse. I checked his ipod and i noticed he deleted the chat application, but this person is still friends on FB. I want to believe this was all a bad dream. Needless to say, that his attitude toward me has not change. We fight like any normal couple does, but we love each other (at least I think he does too). I know that i have neglected our relationship and have rejected him at times. I get pressure from family thinking I could do better. Find someone better educated, etc. I have to admit that I’ve been influenced somewhat and I may have reacted where he may have felt uncomfortable.
    Thank you

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    October 30th, 2016 at 5:26 PM

    Pat, It’s very difficult to blindly trust once you have been betrayed. Since your boyfriend has also had this experience I would imagine he knows the depth of pain caused by betrayal. I agree it’s important not to react impulsively since that usually makes it hard to have a rational conversation. I believe it’s important to be honest when things like this happen, i.e. to tell him what you saw in a calm way and ask about it. Otherwise the fear and anxiety sits inside and will come out another way. Take care, Lori

  • Joan

    Joan

    October 29th, 2016 at 12:40 PM

    After an adulterous affair decades ago and re- contact by phone (by the paramour) five times (all hidden) I have had enough. It is apparent to me that some men who get involved with a co worker should be divorced. I wish that I had taken the leap and thrown him out on his ear. He is so worried about what others think of him but could care less about the damage he has done to his marriage or his wife. A conflict avoider will do anything but work on solving any problem. Moving into a new relationship while enjoying the security of the marriage is the MO. I have finally, after almost 48 years of marriage had him served with divorce papers. I would rather be alone than be married to an adulterous deceitful liar.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    October 30th, 2016 at 5:31 PM

    Joan, You have been through a lot and it makes sense that you have chosen to leave. I wish you the best. Take care, Lori

  • Pat

    Pat

    November 25th, 2016 at 4:31 AM

    Joan, I read your comment as if I had written it. 43 years for me, and I am ending the marriage.

  • Mary

    Mary

    January 4th, 2017 at 7:56 AM

    I recently discovered my husband had been having an affair. While I will NEVER take blame for the decisions he made, we both were responsible for problems that had been developing for a long time in our marriage. You have to admit your part of the responsibility in the marriage failing. At this point he has told me he loves his affair partner and does not want to work on our marriage. I pray everyday that he will remember what we had when we were both happy. Being a betrayed spouse, I take blame for pushing him away. I am taking steps to work on myself. Even if we aren’t able to save our marriage, I know I have some things to work on for me to be happy.

  • Deanna

    Deanna

    May 24th, 2018 at 5:47 PM

    Stop being desperate. As long as you are? He will continue to walk on you. As my Therapist said, “ if you go to buy a new car and tell them you have to have this car, can’t live without it… Do you think they will negotiate with you?” No and neither will your husband.
    I don’t care WHAT problems you had in your marriage, HE did not have the right to betray you. If his sorry butt wanted to wander, he should have left first.

  • ANNIE

    ANNIE

    January 19th, 2017 at 1:20 PM

    I Thank you for this post, I am 4 years out of a relationship that was as close to perfect as I ever expected for my life. I have found myself dealing with the ashes of my relationship and finally after a couple years have moved to a new life. he have worked very hard on not looking back and having that interfere with the future that I wish to create for myself. But I have not been able to “stop” loving my ex. I really have struggled to find a topen unfilled fertile ground for finding love elsewhere. In the past I would have simply never seen her again and freed myself of constant reminders, but we have a child together and its not an option.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 22nd, 2017 at 10:56 AM

    Annie, It is much harder to have closure on the breakup of a relationship when you have a child together, since you have to have contact. You wrote, ‘I have not been able to “stop” loving my ex.’ Feeling this way for 4 years is a long time. I would suggest you go to a therapist who can help you understand why it’s so hard to “let go” and give you strategies to move your heart forward. Lori

  • Marie

    Marie

    April 23rd, 2017 at 7:53 AM

    My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for 14 of them. He recently had an emotional affair with someone he works with. He is her boss. I love him deeply and we both want to work things out. More lies were discovered almost 4 months after the affair was discovered. He lied in our first marriage counseling session. I ended up leaving town because I was not in a good place. I was on the verge of exposing them at work, but they would both lose their jobs. We have children and I have been a sahm, so that is something we can’t afford. I also think he would not forgive me for doing it. My kids are still with him as they are still in school, they do not know about the affair. I am constantly having nightmares about going back and catching them together, or seeing that she has been invited to our house for a work party. (We had two work parties for the leadership group and she was at both of them. At one, he brought her into our bedroom to give her a small gift.). I am tormented by memories if her being at my house and around my children. My husband thinks it is unhealthy for me to be having these nightmares all the time. I have tried clearing my mind before bed, but it doesn’t seem to help. The dreams are just more vivid. Amazingly, I still have hope and I work really hard towards building my trust for him and forgiving him daily. We are trying to relocate to a different state, but I find myself worrying that he won’t get the job. I don’t think that I can go back there and deal with them working together every day. I have a hard time living in the present, my mind often wanders and is sometimes very hard to bring back to “this moment”.
    Mostly wanted to share, it helps me release. If anyone responds, please keep it positive, I have enough negative thoughts on my own. Thank you.

  • Michael

    Michael

    December 8th, 2017 at 4:09 AM

    I say once a cheater always a cheater.

  • Fedup

    Fedup

    September 17th, 2017 at 4:09 PM

    There is NEVER justification to have an affair. NEVER. Do not try and blame the betrayed. It gets old. The only one responsible for the adultery is the adulterer.

  • Cam

    Cam

    September 22nd, 2017 at 2:04 PM

    What if the person is their employee in a small office and years later that person is still there. Hard to have a good marriage if it is always lurking.

  • Joe R.

    Joe R.

    July 22nd, 2011 at 6:52 AM

    Affairs have become so damn common now.And I agree with the emotional infidelity thing.I’ve had my ex-girlfriend be involved with another guy but only emotionally.They never had any physical thing going but she had started to talk to him more than me,wanted to see him more than me and never once spoke to me about him.Then when I got to know of him through a common friend,I asked her to cut off from him completely.

    She didn’t listen to me but eventually she found out about his evil intentions and cut off from him.We did go on with our relationship but it was never the same again.

    Eventually we broke up this last week :|
    Emotional infidelity is as damaging,if not more than,physical infidelity. Don’t do this to your partner folks, it feels terrible.

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    September 1st, 2016 at 6:27 PM

    I’m sorry. I’m pretty lonely in my 22 yr marriage cause my husband seldom talks to me. His desire is to become a woman and watch tv. I am left with no one to talk to but my therapist. He has had many intimate online conversations while I went to bed early out of boredom. Then I got stage 4 cancer abd almost died.
    We went to marriage therapy and are trying to fix things, hoping I can deal with this, praying he won’t actually use hormones. Meanwhile I constantly worry about my cancer returning and dying next time.
    I’m only 51. My feels over some days.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 3rd, 2016 at 1:05 PM

    Kimberly, So sorry for your pain. Cancer is scary. I’ve seen a lot of it in my family members. Stay hopeful and positive. The book, Love, Medicine & Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel is a wonderful resource that might help you. I hope the marriage counseling is helpful. At some point it would likely be positive for you to see someone individually also. Take care,
    Lori

  • claudia

    claudia

    July 22nd, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    work-place affairs are becoming so common nowadays but one positive of this work-place romance is that single people are now finding their match at work place and are also able to spend time with their sweethearts at the work place.happened to me,happy happy :)

  • phyllisking

    phyllisking

    July 22nd, 2011 at 5:29 PM

    Having an affair because your sexual needs weren’t met isn’t a reason, it’s a cop-out. It’s not fair to expect that your partner has sex with you on demand. That’s your spouse, not a concubine.

    You should get some professional help, not jump on the closest girl that bats her eyelids at you. Find out why your wife lost interest and if she needs medical help. Depression for example is a libido killer for sure.

    Take a look in the mirror while you’re at it and ask yourself when was the last time you did or said anything that made your wife feel attractive, secure and loved? Griping isn’t sexy.

  • Naomi

    Naomi

    September 3rd, 2014 at 11:19 PM

    I absolutely agree. I feel that husbands dont put effort into making their wives feel special anymore because they simply see us as the “mommy.” They forget they fell in love with that “fun girl” because guess what! That “fun girl” is now caring for his babies, taking care of the home, and cooking his dinner every night. So then he sees other girls or women, anywhere, but especially at work (because its convenient) giving him attention without the complication. Then it turns into an easy affair of late business meetings, dinners, lunches or drinks. That turns into bad situations. They need to work on making the wife feel loved again instead of cultivating a new relationship.

  • Regan Adans

    Regan Adans

    July 22nd, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    If your relationship gets to where you’re on the brink of having an affair, you need to stop before you start. Do the honorable thing if you think it’s beyond saving and get divorced before taking up with a new partner.

    Even though the marriage is meaningless to you now, you should at least honor the spirit of it and not have an affair. You owe your partner that much.

    Of course it’s better to attempt to salvage the relationship first-if you both want to.

  • Michael

    Michael

    December 8th, 2017 at 4:13 AM

    My ex-wife told me when we were dating she’d leave me first if she wanted to do that. Two kids later she’s sneaking around like a teenager, living off of me like I’m her dad! She’s a liar through and through!

  • s.b.

    s.b.

    July 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    I worked at conferences sometimes as part of my old job and was shocked at how much casual cheating went on between staff members and/or conference attendees when they were away from the office at the other end of the country. Their mantra was “what goes on tour, stays on tour.” I never mentioned it when I got back for fear of losing the job but it disturbed me a lot that they could do that and not give it a second thought.

    Workplace affairs are very, very common and I think it’s often just because the opportunity was there to misbehave more than any big romantic love affair.

  • Justtalking

    Justtalking

    July 22nd, 2011 at 8:30 PM

    Workplace affairs are so risky in my opinion on several different fronts. First there is the evident issue of your significant other getting harmed. Then there is the risk of losing ones job.

    An old friend and coworker once told me that you never get your paycheck and your nookie at the same place. It was simply bad business and worse for your career. If your a supervisor then it is a potential lawsuit waiting to happen. If your a coworker in another department how long before your amour is transferred into your department.

    Just a bad idea in my opinion. Then you do have the whole issue of ruining a relationship that at some point in your life actually meant something. Such a wild and cray idea this is…

  • Carleigh

    Carleigh

    July 23rd, 2011 at 5:43 AM

    My husband and I met at work while he was still married to someone else. We tried not to let it happen but it really felt at that point like it was beyond our control. We were both asked to resign as a result so we have felt a lot of hurt from this from a lot of different angles.

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    June 29th, 2016 at 11:49 AM

    You surely deserve each other.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    Claire,
    Thank you so much for your post. My husband and I see so many couples in practice where there has been an affair and when they first come in for counseling they feel very hopeless. Your comment will give hope to many couples.
    Lori

  • Marcus

    Marcus

    April 11th, 2017 at 7:21 AM

    How often after the affair do the infidels stay together. It seems that its and access thing through life relationships takes so much work and it seems the cowardly easiest thing is to step outside the box. Saying that I understand that emotions and needs are very important in a relationship, But communication is absolutely vital between each other and the affair is the cowardly way of not communicating your needs or The selfish way of not respecting your partners needs. I been in a relationship for eleven years now that has become toxic. I stay for my kids but I also still love her. I have never loved anyone more. But her inability to be open and honest have led to a demise in trust. Who knows if she is treating she has done it before, and I have excepted her back. actually done it twice and I excepted it. It’s not because I fear life without her, its because I remember the good years with her. At this point I’m numb to the fact of change and fear the disappointment to my family to walk. Sometimes I feel this makes me weak or should I return the favor, but I know that won’t fix things either or make me happy. So I deepen the relationship with my kids so we can survive the inevitable. We our schedule for counseling tomorrow. Truly as much as I want it to work. I feel I know the ending of this movie and my mind doesn’t want to continue on. The on going trust issues has lead to me having sleep deprivation, wondering mind, gain of weight and damaged my self esteem as a man. Pride hurts a lot as stupid as that sounds the answer of why and what I do haunts my ego. The thought that my children being else where from I scares me. I haven’t gotten closure, her apologizes falls empty on my heart. The person I thought I would be happy forever with is now a mere fictional tell. I don’t even have a passion to date no more I just want to be a dad and pamper myself to show that she hasn’t broken me to show I deserve more. some part of me wants her to fall on her face when I really decide to leave the other side just want happiness for us and our kids. I feel I will have problems co-parenting with her cause of my feeling I rather never see her again. These are just my feelings I needed to vent after reading so many stories. The people around me don’t even know these problems exist they think she is a great mother and wife.

  • Michael

    Michael

    December 8th, 2017 at 4:19 AM

    I had to watch as my ex-wife dumped the kids off on me to chase after guys who call 900 #’s for sex, then watch as she took our 3 & 5 yr. old kids along her dates with the guy she now married, all while living under my roof! Talk about hurt!

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:09 PM

    Joe,
    I appreciate your response and am so sorry to hear about your break up. As you know it is the lying and hiding the behavior that is really damaging to the relationship. There is nothing more important than being honest and genuine.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    Claudia, I am happy for you that you found your “single” guy at work.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    Phyllis,
    Thanks for your comments. And yes sex on demand is not how marriages should work. Though it can be difficult, it is really vital for couples to talk about their sexual needs and emotional needs and how they can work out their differences.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    Regan, When I was younger I used to wonder exactly what you are saying: Why couldn’t people end their marriages if they wanted to be with someone else and respect their partner? In my 23 years of seeing couples I have found that it so much more complicated than that. I wish it was the way you describe but more often than not it isn’t. Thanks for your comment.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    s.b. – I really appreciate your comment. You are correct – it happens a lot more than people imagine. And it’s also still true that 50% or marriages end in divorce.
    Hopefully the work my husband and I do will increase the odds of people staying together and having honest and faithful marriages for a lifetime. It is wonderful when you work at it.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:34 PM

    Justtalking,
    Yes, yes, yes! So many very smart people including many of our actors, politicians, public figures…forget about these risks when they have affairs in the workplace. We have had clients who find out their husband/wife had an affair when they get an STD. Talk about risky behavior and disregard for your partner…We will write about that! Thanks for the comments.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:38 PM

    Carleigh, I empathize with the hurt you have experienced. As someone said above, the risk for companies is the possibility of a sexual harrassment lawsuit. So affairs at work are dangerous for the employer. Hopefully the two of you have found other jobs and can move on from that pain.
    Lori

  • Cristen Newman

    Cristen Newman

    July 24th, 2011 at 1:26 PM

    Some of those so-called “reasons” to have an affair are childish. If your partner’s job is more important to them than you feel you are, then obviously it’s a tough one they need to spend a lot of time and energy on. That job is what is putting a roof over your head, food on the table, and a shirt on your back.

    You’re reaping the benefits with a nice lifestyle no doubt, so quit complaining. There’s only so much one person can prioritize at any one time. Grow up! Go out and get a job yourself so they can cut back their hours and spend more time with you if you’re that needy. An affair isn’t the answer.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 25th, 2011 at 1:21 PM

    Cristen,
    Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
    Lori

  • Cliff Neeson

    Cliff Neeson

    July 26th, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    If the kids are getting more attention than you, you’re the same as the rest of us. It’s called “Being a parent”. Most of us accept that as natural. Kids need more care and attention.

    If the kids were being neglected and their needs not met, would you be happy? Of course you wouldn’t. Join in and do more family oriented activities if you’re feeling left out but don’t whine like a toddler because you’re not the focus of your partner’s world, geesh.

  • kris g. cohen

    kris g. cohen

    July 26th, 2011 at 2:44 PM

    Cheaters aren’t much different from those gold diggers who marry a guy for his money. They are among the worst kinds of bloodsuckers and those who try and justify an affair aren’t far behind them.

    The truth is, cheaters stay in relationships for the same reasons -they want to have their cake and eat it, not give up all the home comforts nor go through a financially and emotionally costly divorce.

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    June 29th, 2016 at 11:51 AM

    Yes!

  • cecilia jacobs

    cecilia jacobs

    July 26th, 2011 at 8:56 PM

    If your spouse doesn’t listen, isn’t affectionate, and doesn’t make you feel special, why on earth did you all ever marry him or her in the first place? It’s sad. No one seems to be spending any length of time dating their potential spouse before deciding to marry them these days. You should know them inside out and if you don’t, how can you know you can trust them?

    Marry in haste, repent at leisure. It’s time old fashioned courting made a comeback.

  • Kevin Andresen

    Kevin Andresen

    July 28th, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    Great article; relationships are such a delicate art. I highly recommend watching/reading material by Dr. Pat Love. She provides excellent guidance towards maintaining intimate relationships and really knows what she is talking about. She narrows it down to four basic actions one must take to maintain a couple’s relationship.

  • Corey Dickinson

    Corey Dickinson

    July 29th, 2011 at 8:22 PM

    How many of those asked actually brought the problems in the marriage up with their spouse? None of them I bet, thinking they will have to pick up a few hints every now and then when they get dropped. Newsflash, ladies: we men do not pick up hints, nor do we care if you drop them. If you have something to say then say it.

  • Johnny Hall

    Johnny Hall

    July 30th, 2011 at 1:53 AM

    Some folks are just completely incompatible with marriage, let alone a spouse. Would you want to live with your best friend every day of the year? You wouldn’t. You would get tired of them very quickly and the same thing can happen in a marriage. Familiarity breeds contempt.

  • margie d.

    margie d.

    August 7th, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    It really annoys the Hell out of me when someone tries to justify an affair, or worse, blames it on their partner. Here’s a newsflash of my own for all you adulterers: you’re a grown adult and you are responsible for your own actions. Including who you have sex with. The blame is on you and you alone.

  • Naomi

    Naomi

    September 3rd, 2014 at 11:27 PM

    I agree 100%

  • Tim

    Tim

    March 5th, 2015 at 6:03 AM

    Amen. I have found that my ex wife who has been engaged in a workplace affair..her psychologist she went and saw was merely a yapper on whatever it takes to make YOU happy type, collecting a paycheck and not helping at all. Fact is psychology stops being affective where it justifies self absorption and things like adultery all in the name of happiness.Nobody deserves to be cheated on and the pain it causes. Her so called “treatment” with this chronie that I initially supported only made her more depressed and worse.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    Cliff,
    Thanks for your comments! Nice to hear your devotion to your family.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Kris,
    I know it’s easy to generalize that “all cheaters are totally self-centered” but that is not what we see in practice. We have worked with many people who have had affairs,and the reasons can be very different. Of course, that doesn’t mean it is less hurtful to their partners. Thanks for sharing.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    Celia,
    I agree there should be a much deeper level of “getting to know each other” when courting. In the beginning of relationships couples are affectionate, and make each other feel special. However over the lifetime of a marriage sometimes love fades, especially if couples don’t actively work to keep the love alive or couples drift apart and the affectionate and connection fades. Appreciate your comments. Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    Kevin,
    Thanks for your kind words and your recommendation about Dr. Pat Love. I know her work and think highly of her. Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:34 PM

    Corey,
    Yes, communication is vital to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. And you are correct, women often drop hints and think their guy will pick up on them. I counsel women often to speak up and speak assertively. I also counsel men to listen carefully.
    I appreciate your comment. Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    Johnny,
    Some people are not able to commit for a lifetime. And some people are. My husband and I have been working together with couples for 23 years and we are best friends. Every marriage has it’s ups and downs; and couples who work at it can keep the love alive. After years together, having a family and sharing all the joys and sorrows life brings there is a depth and a richness that is amazing. Lori

  • ron

    ron

    May 1st, 2015 at 3:57 PM

    I totally understand.I was brought up old school.been married twice with pieces of garbage. women these days are beyond normal.its a day in age of cs and multiple men in there bed.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    Margie, People are responsible for their choices. And must own that choice when they have had an affair. Some couples do work it through, though it takes a long time and is painful. We have seen some couples come out with a closer relationship. Thanks for your comment. Lori

  • Hurt to the core

    Hurt to the core

    September 22nd, 2012 at 6:25 PM

    I need to have him continue to be vulnerable, but he is so walled up, always has been, he can’t maintain that vulnerability.
    I am desperate for exercises, activities to do together to see if we can reconnect…

  • Non-Trusting Male

    Non-Trusting Male

    November 1st, 2012 at 2:24 PM

    @Hurt to the core

    I read “Intimacy and Desire” and it gave me a new way to approach the relationship in that I could start from a place of self-worth, self-validation, and learning about who I was. Thereby, not taking things too personally and talking things through that I found tough.

    There are exercises in the book too in order to bring couple closer w/o losing their individual identity. Actually, it’s about establishing your own identity in a relationship which is paramount I think.

    It takes work, and in the book they define “meaningful endurance” as being “you want to work things out”.

    Hope this give you a path to follow.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    November 1st, 2012 at 6:08 PM

    Thank you for your recommendation!
    Best wishes,
    Lori

  • Margo

    Margo

    March 29th, 2013 at 8:13 AM

    The number one reason I see couples in my practice is for emotional infidelity. I agree with the authors here about the dangerous path from innocent FB and on-line chatting to a full-fledged affair.

    In many ways on-line forums and texting and emailing strips the “reality” of the situation, making it a highly addictive fantasy.

    Thanks for posting this.

  • Natalie

    Natalie

    December 18th, 2013 at 10:39 AM

    Is enjoying flirting and being admired at work a form of ‘cheating’? Even if you tell your spouse all about it?

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    December 18th, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    Natalie, Thanks for your question. Flirting and being admired are about desiring attention. It may indicate that the person is not getting the attention they need at home; or that she is bored or depressed and flirting perks her up; or it may just be something she enjoys and thinks of as harmless. The problem is it’s a slippery slope and without intending to hurt her marriage it could develop into cheating or crossing a boundary that shouldn’t have been crossed.

    Telling her partner about the flirting, is great since the harm really occurs when there is a secret. However, is it really OK with her husband. I would also ask if her husband was flirting and being admired by a woman on his job, and he told her, how would she feel?

    My definition of cheating is when you do anything with another man that wouldn’t be OK with her husband if he standing there watching. Hope that is helpful. Lori

  • Stephanie

    Stephanie

    September 26th, 2014 at 9:56 AM

    My husband spends most of his time “working” with an attractive newly divorced woman. Not only during the day but late into the night and on weekends. They make numerous sales calls together as well as spending entire afternoons, especially on Saturdays, together. One Saturday, he was with her until 11 pm working in the office.

    I’m sick and tired of it! Some people in his work place are talking. It’s almost as if they are a couple dating, using work as the excuse. Honestly, I think they are having an affair. He says she has a boyfriend, but how could she if she’s spending all her time with my husband.

    What should I do??

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    June 29th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    Hire a detective to get proof and find a good lawyer.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 27th, 2014 at 7:58 AM

    Naomi,
    Thanks for your comments.
    Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 27th, 2014 at 8:08 AM

    Stephanie,
    There are a lot of signs in your situation that would lead any wife to think her husband is having an affair. In that situation, it is common for husbands to rationalize it away (i.e. she has a boyfriend) or invalidate the wife’s concerns and make the wife think her gut feelings are wrong. Though I can’t specifically give you advice (not knowing more about you and your husband) I would generally say it’s unlikely in that situation that anything will change unless the husband is confronted and not allowed to explain away or invalidate the wife’s concerns. This is a very difficult and emotional situation and I suggest you contact a therapist for support and guidance. Lori

  • tate

    tate

    March 2nd, 2015 at 2:06 PM

    Guys I really wish people knew what African wives go through it really is tough being unheard.i truely admire you all becoz u can speak out.im hurting coz I can’t change where i come from and this culture wich ignores women.we are just taught that we women will continue suffering becoz that’s how nature is,but deep down in my heart I know its wrong I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.thanks for reading.

  • Lori H.

    Lori H.

    March 3rd, 2015 at 8:17 AM

    Tate,
    I hear your pain and frustration. My thought is to find other women who think like you do and to gain support from them. Cultural change is slow, but I believe it can happen slowly over time. Lori

  • Lori H.

    Lori H.

    March 5th, 2015 at 9:54 AM

    Tim,
    Sorry to hear that. It pains me to hear about people’s negative experiences with therapy. No one deserves the pain that an affair creates. If people sat in my office for a week they would see that. I wish you the best.
    Lori

  • Simmy

    Simmy

    May 1st, 2015 at 3:10 PM

    In these comments there’s a lot of hate near the surface for so-called “cheaters” but not a lot of comment about partners who refuse to get help for years in a marriage that has grown cold emotionally. When one partner refuses to talk about the problems, refusing to go to therapy, the other partner is genuinely at the end of the end of their tether when temptation comes along. Yes, after neglect, sheer frustration, and head banging against a brick wall, they may choose instead to open the door and walk through it. There comes a point when it becomes more about gaining a little self-respect after the years of put-downs and rejections.

  • Kathy

    Kathy

    January 2nd, 2017 at 4:36 PM

    Some of us tried for years to get our spouses into therapy. They refused. And then they cheated. Much easier than actually trying to fix things I guess. Much easier than admitting the spouses they were cheating on had legitimate complaints and issues they wanted dealt with too. Demonize the person you cheat on. Then you don’t have to take any responsibility for being a less than perfect spouse yourself.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 7th, 2017 at 10:33 AM

    Kathy, You wrote “What everyone neglects to mention is the spouse who was getting cheated on also was not getting his/her needs met before the affair but chose not to cheat.” Yes, when people aren’t getting their needs met in a marriage, some people respond by having an affair and some people don’t. The person who has an affair is choosing a self-centered way of dealing with unmet needs and turns away from their partner. Other people, as you say, try to address the issues directly and turn toward their partner, asking them to go to therapy. This of course is a healthier way to respond. It’s both partners’ responsibility to own the issues in a marriage. It is one person’s responsibility if they choose an affair. And it is a devastating betrayal to the partner who chose not to respond that way. Thanks for your comments. Lori

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    May 2nd, 2015 at 7:12 AM

    Simmy, Thanks for your comment. I hear your frustration and have empathy for people in your position. I have seen many people in your situation in our practice. I would encourage you to seek individual therapy and explore your options besides continuing to live in an unhealthy relationship.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    May 2nd, 2015 at 7:16 AM

    Ron, I hear your hopelessness, but I would not give up on looking for someone who has the same values you hold. There are women who do want committed and monogamous relationships. Your job is to not allow yourself to get into a relationship until you find a woman who values what you do.

  • Matt

    Matt

    May 30th, 2015 at 8:42 AM

    Hi!
    I’m 46, two adult kids, established small company 14 years ago wigh a colleague. He is simillar age, having own family. My family is ok, we do live in peace and understanding with my wife. We don’t have really marriage full of energy, however our sex life is alive and fine.
    Seven years ago we (actually was my interview and decision), three years younger woman, having own family. Obviously I liked here in order to work with her. Many years everything was ok at job, we are now four in total (2+2). Our work with this woman is very close, on everyday basis. It’s not an excuse, but there were situations we could (did not want?) not avoid. Since last Friday I can say we have an affair. Not blind one, thinking of living together but we actually falled in love with each other. No, we did not fo it yet, actually we found some power to really kiss week later (yesterday). She has no chance, or really rarely, to go somewhere after the work. Till now, at least officialy, nobody knows. Not sure how long this could stay. I feel so sorry for her, seeing she is in real love pain, as well as I’m too, but I will handle it.
    Happily desperate.

  • Rosey

    Rosey

    June 22nd, 2015 at 3:16 PM

    My husband went into a business after a couple of weeks of doing some work at “her”house. They started messing around. I saw text messaging and heard phone calls of them talking. Viagra was missing and other things have gone on. When I confronted him of course he denied it. I have never ever delt with this before. Her previous “boyfriend” was married and she has been married at least 4 times. One of the problems was my sons also worked for them. She tried to get my husband to get rid of my son. She would say things to my son to get him upset and then would play hero to my husband. After some fighting with my husband he finally ended the business and has nothing to do with her as far as I know. I’m looking to take her to court for ruining a business that could of done really well and interfering in my marriage. She is nothing to look at and I was shocked and hurt when I found a lot more things. My husband is not innocent at all. But she is very arrogant and I believe she is holding this over his heard. I do not believe she knows I know. The trust with my husband is gone. We have been married for 40 years and I wasn’t willing to throw that all away. I am having s very herd time letting it go.

  • Dan

    Dan

    August 14th, 2015 at 4:18 AM

    Well, my divorce was finalized today. 2nd divorce from same woman. Way more costly than the 1st. Both due to affairs. I’m a very handsome man (so the ladies say) fun, and an airline pilot. I’ve been hit on a jillion times on layovers. I was monogamous in both marriages, 22 years, so I know it can be done, even when your partner has stepped out. Is there a record for having the most affairs?? I’d like to see if she’s broken it. Maybe I can parlay that, since everything else is gone. How would one find this out?

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 14th, 2015 at 9:47 AM

    Dan, So sorry about your pain. Divorce is awful; and the 2nd time…wow…I don’t know of any statistics that have looked at the number of affairs people have. If you haven’t already visited BeyondAffairsNetwork.com, I would suggest you check it out. It is a wonderful resource that supports people in your situation. I wish you the best. Take care,
    Lori

  • wife

    wife

    October 24th, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    I am going thru hell now. I am beeing marry for 9 years and I have a 7 years old boy. I dated my husband 2 year before getting married. I am 38 and my husband 40 now. He had some issues in our marriage. He left home around month and a half. I found out he was reconnecting with an ex grilfriend starting 2 years ago. He was talking with a friend by phone about it and I get there without him knowing I was hearing the conversations. From that moment until now this is hell. He did not see this person for more than 12 years!!! They were feeding that emotional affair, he still think is not cheating because they did not had sex. He is very confused now because he thinks she is sooo compatible with him. Of course she sounds perfect for him with just a few phone calls. She lives very far away. She went for a trip and met her. He said he needed to find out. She said it is a lot of quemistry between them. I believe he is stock in an old feeling because he keeps saying he feels like the old him with her!!

    I am dying in pain with this right now. He says he loves me but he is very confused. He is still my husband and he lies to his family because he did not tell them the true. We are in Costa Rica now and his parents are in USA ( they can’t see the reality). It is killing me. I love him. He does not understand the damage is happening to us and our son. I try my best to look normal for everybody around and for my son (he thinks daddy is out of home because of work).

    When I ask him if what he wants is the divorse he does not response. He said he will be always in my life and he will help me with everything I need. I am so angry and in pain. It hurst horrible!! I feel he is not really understanding the situation. I am sure he is just building a huge fantasy of love. I am so angry and frustaded. He is risking his marriage, his family.

    He said she is a very good person like a pure heart…. It is so out of reality. How a good women will allow and feed this. She was the one who contact him. My husband even said she knows he loves me and my son and she is very supportive. This is sick!!! I feel he is so blind right now. She is saying what he need to heard!!! He said she looks so compatible with him.

    I can’t eat, sleep or work (my mind is everywhere). I can’t believe this is happening.

    I want to restore my marriage and I want her out of our lifes……. :(

  • sonu b

    sonu b

    November 16th, 2015 at 1:21 AM

    Married yes

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    October 25th, 2015 at 4:13 PM

    This is a terribly difficult situation. I’m sorry for your suffering. I have seen clients in our practice who have had a similar experience. I would encourage you, and hopefully your husband, to go to couples counseling. If he won’t go with you, I’d suggest you go by yourself. A good resource for you is BeyondAffairs.com. Hope that is helpful. Lori

  • Nico

    Nico

    May 13th, 2016 at 12:14 AM

    Hi lori.. i just read your blog and its really catched my attention coz its happening to me right now. I tried to avoid but I was fallen were co-workers sharing our hard times in family and in workplace. I know that this affair is just takes only a year or more but im trying to end everything as early as i could. But the more im trying the more I felt im loosing him. He has a plan for his wife and always reminding me that our affair its just only temporary after 2 years were facing our different lives. The problem he became my life the center of my universe. How can I help myself to stop this? I love my kids and I want to control my feelings. Please help me to get through this delirium.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    May 13th, 2016 at 9:29 AM

    Nico, I can hear you are in a lot of pain. Letting go of a relationship after two years is difficult because there is a period of grief, as if you are going through a death. It gets more complicated if you see that person or have to interact with him on the job. You can’t “control” the feelings. You have to face them, and go through the grief process. Since this is difficult and you likely can’t talk to family or friends about it, I would suggest going to a therapist, who can support you. Hope that helps. Take care,
    Lori

  • Donna

    Donna

    July 30th, 2016 at 5:57 PM

    Hello my spouse cheated on me with a coworker and he keep getting text from another coworker 1 text said she had a dream he was married to his sister and he text back and said welcome to the family and the other text said enjoy your day’s off and have fun with your baby girl and granddaughter baby girl is his daughter nothing about me it should have said have fun with your family what do you think I should do

  • Donna S

    Donna S

    July 30th, 2016 at 6:09 PM

    Am sorry I forgot to say something with the first girl he was emailing her saying what he was going to do to she and I saw the email but he told me he said that because he miss doing that and at one point I didn’t like it but I told him if you like doing that you can but I think he just said that because he don’t do it I think he just wanted to do it to her I feel he don’t care about my feelings

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 2nd, 2016 at 9:59 AM

    Donna, I think the best thing to do would be for you to find an individual counselor and go over all the details. Then the counselor could clarify your options and support you in whatever you choose to do. Lori

  • Anna

    Anna

    August 11th, 2016 at 2:41 PM

    Lori
    I have been in a relationship for 8 years. He has admitted cheating 4, niw I found out about him cheating at work.. I watched him iM her for 5 months lied and said he was meeting his boss,he was meeting her. He says nothing happened ! She was always worried and concerned about him.. Calling him Mikey… I wrote her an email asking questions and the police was called and a report made.. The police said this is t threatening g just a mad wife asking about infidelity. Niw he says he wants us!!

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    August 12th, 2016 at 4:21 AM

    If a person cheats once, they will continue to cheat on you. They have a character flaw.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 12th, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    Anna, Having cheated 4 times in 8 years is a very significant betrayal. I would suggest you seek individual counseling to talk over whether you want to give him another chance. If you do, I would absolutely do couples counseling. Otherwise chances are this will happen again. Lori

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    August 12th, 2016 at 12:32 PM

    We will have to agree to disagree on that!

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 12th, 2016 at 11:14 AM

    Kimberly, I agree once people cheat there is more likelihood it will happen again. And some people who cheat may have a character flaw. However, Bob and I have counselled many couples who have come back from betrayal with an even stronger connection. The people who authentically own and work hard at understanding their actions; see and feel how they have affected their partner; consistently express remorse; and give time and patience to rebuild trust, do not have a character flaw. Thanks for your comment. Lori

  • Rosa

    Rosa

    September 13th, 2016 at 10:26 AM

    Cheaters that come back want to have it both ways.

  • Kimberly

    Kimberly

    September 13th, 2016 at 11:34 AM

    Yup.

  • John

    John

    September 14th, 2016 at 1:51 PM

    i found out my wife cheated on me 2 weeks ago.After 30 yrs marriage.She admitted to it.I feel I am half to blame to a point for not showing her how much i did love her.We decided that we would try and work it out BUTTT she still talks to him on Facebook after telling me she would not anymore.! day she wants a divorce and the next day wants to save the marriage.I am on an emotional roller coaster.As long as I am angry the pain is not so bad,today she sent me the link to this website.I am going to see a lawyer after work but really dont want a divorce.Just want her to love me like she used to.really confused

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    September 15th, 2016 at 12:24 PM

    John, I hear your pain. The roller coaster is very difficult to bear. Thirty years is a lifetime. It certainly would be worth going to a marriage counselor (who specializes in this area) to see if you can save the marriage. If she won’t go, I would suggest you go individually to a marriage specialist to get some guidance on how to navigate this difficult time. They should have suggestions for you about how to engage her in counseling once they hear your story. Hope that is helpful. Take care, Lori

  • Catherine

    Catherine

    November 10th, 2016 at 3:26 PM

    My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 11 months. My husband just informed me 1 month ago that there was another person. Then 2 weeks into us trying to work things through, he cheats on me and sleeps with her. We have an 11 month old son. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child. I feel betrayed. I knew that our relationship was far from perfect and that we both were unhappy. I just don’t know how to get past the betrayal. Not only that, He tells me that he is confused. That he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or not. The worst part is, we have both been cheated on before… I am just really confused now more than ever. I feel like I am trying to make it as if it never happened. I don’t know how to open up to him about how I feel about this whole situation. Every time we talk about it, he becomes defensive and upset or exasperated. I don’t want to end my marriage. I do love him. I just don’t know how to continue while he holds me dangling waiting to see if the other shoe will drop. Since I found out that he cheated, he has since cut contact with her, but I still don’t trust him. Its all so fresh.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 7th, 2017 at 12:53 PM

    Catherine, This is a very painful situation. I can hear you have so many mixed emotions that conflict with each other. I would suggest you or you and your husband go to therapist with training in marriage and affairs. You can find one on the GT website in your location. Also there is a great resource on line that would help: BeyondAffairsNetwork.com. Hope that helps. Take care, Lori

  • Angie

    Angie

    December 8th, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    My wife had an emotional affair with a coworker, which I found out about six months ago. She continued the affair for several months after i found out but finally cut off the relationship in mid-October, right before our anniversary. Since finding out, I have not wavered in my desire to get through this with her, forgive her, and work to build a healthier happier marriage. I love her very much, and I understand that I played a role in “helping” our marriage get to the point where she became vulnerable to an affair (although I wish she would have come to me to talk to me about her unhappiness instead of deciding on an affair). I have done a lot of work on myself and made changes to address some of the issues and problems my behavior was creating. I do not blame myself for her affair, that was her choice and hers alone, but I know that she didn’t get to that place all on her own (she detests adultery and has never cheated on anyone before).
    Her initial reaction after I confronted her was to tell me that she’s not in love with me and she doesn’t know if she wants to work on anything with me because “things are so messed up now”. She has struggled to decide if she would rather just start over. She eventually decided that she wanted to reconcile with me and work on our marriage and we have been doing that for the past 2 months. We were in marriage counseling for 5 months, but have stopped going because my wife says she is “burnt out from therapy”. I moved out of our house for several months (at her request) so that she could have some “space” and time to think about things, but have been back at home now since we “reconciled”. Reconciliation means (to my wife) that she agrees to stop lying to me and end the relationship with her coworker- that’s it (these should be a given in my opinion… basic respect and decency).
    She insists that she is very uncomfortable around me now because she’s afraid of me (I am not violent and would never ever hurt her). She says that she doesn’t know when or if I might get angry about the affair and argue with her or yell about what happened. I find this to be illogical since I have many times expressed to her my forgiveness and empathy around what happened, but I am trying to be patient with her and let her come to me in her own time.
    Slowly, we are making progress and becoming closer again, but she maintains that she is uncomfortable around me and feels bad about herself… and that she doesn’t have “romantic feelings” for me and doesn’t feel that she ever will again. Yet she doesn’t want a divorce, and she wants to keep working to make progress. I believe that working on reestablishing our friendship and negotiating new dynamics in our household are positive steps we are taking that help to create emotional safety and intimacy between us… and might eventually lead to us having affection and romance return to the relationship (I really hope).
    My problem is, she still refuses to have any physical contact with me or treat me like her spouse in any way (i.e. doesn’t allow me to go with her to family events with her side of the family, doesn’t want to spend holidays together, wont sleep in the same room as me, sex is off the table indefinitely, etc.). My primary emotional needs in relationship are for affection, honesty, and sex (the connection I get through sex, not just the act itself). I have talked to her several times recently about how lonely I feel and how unhappy I am when we don’t have the affection or sex that I need in our relationship (It’s been over 6 months since she has even kissed me). She tells me that she just isn’t ready and that I need to be patient and deal with it. I am trying my best to do that, but the more time that passes, the stronger my sexual frustration becomes and the more unhappy and lonely I feel.
    I do think it’s very unfair for my wife to tell me that she wants us to be committed to each other and work on our marriage, but that she refuses to meet any of my emotional needs (i.e. won’t even so much as kiss me on the cheek, she doesn’t “want” me, and I’m not allowed to see other women- so I’m expected to be celibate). I don’t want to throw in the towel on my marriage because I still have hope that with enough time, my wife and I can regain the happiness and connection we’ve enjoyed in the past. I love the life that we were creating together and I love her with all my heart. However, with none of my needs being met, I feel extremely vulnerable to having my own affair at this point. I’m very concerned about this because I know this would likely sabotage my marriage and negate any progress we’ve made in coming back together.
    Recently I met and befriended a woman to whom I am very attracted. This new woman has made it clear that she feels the same way about me and that she would be interested in pursuing a physical relationship with me. I am a fairly disciplined and responsible person and I never thought that anything could tempt me so strongly, especially because of how much I love my wife. I feel so overwhelmed by my attraction to this new woman that I do not trust myself to remain faithful. I know that I should stay away if I want to keep working on my marriage… My philosophy is that if you are in a relationship but you want to be with someone else, then you end your relationship before starting a new one. In this case, I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I don’t really want to be with someone else (I would MUCH prefer to have my need for affection and sexual connection fulfilled with my wife).
    I do want to get my needs met, partially because the constant rejection I get from my wife is crushing me, and partially to “hold me over” so that I don’t start becoming resentful of my wife, or hurt our progress by pressuring her to be physical or affectionate with me before she’s ready. I believe that my wife and I will eventually be happy together and have a marriage that is even stronger and more loving than before my wife’s affair. I have tried everything i can think of to help save our marriage. I love my wife very much and don’t want to give up on her. But I also can’t keep sacrificing my own happiness. After all, I’m not the one who had an affair, but I am paying the price. Please help!

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 7th, 2017 at 1:52 PM

    Angie, From your description it sounds like, at every turn, your wife is putting up walls. You say she has cheated and lied, she has no romantic feelings for you and doesn’t believe she will in the future, she quit therapy, she is uncomfortable and afraid to be close, she’s cut you off from her side of the family, she doesn’t want to be with you on holidays, doesn’t sleep in the same bed, won’t kiss you on the cheek, you feel rejected and crushed. From this, I don’t see any indication that she wants to work on the relationship. It sounds very one-sided. I would advise you to get individual therapy with an expert who knows about relationships. On GoodTherapy you can find someone in your location. Take care, Lori

  • Rick

    Rick

    December 13th, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    I understand that this is a therapy page, but offer a different perspective. Less than 200 years ago, far less in other countries, women were traded with a small flock of sheep and some grain. This arrangement was called marriage. The times have changed. But the personal responsibility has not. A marriage is a legal binding agreement between two people or more, nothing else. Getting a divorce only labels you a divorcee and makes lawyers more money. As far as placing any blame or fault in infidelity, there should not be any. The simple fact is someone had a relationship the other did not like. Which is completely normal in all aspects. The body is designed to reproduce with a wide variety of others for a reason: genetic diversity. A more diverse population is stronger, healthier, and more physically attractive. It’s also fun to note we as beings are designed to not be monogamous just in physiology. A man is fully ready to reproduce after three days, sometimes less. A woman takes 10 months minimum. Couple this with the fact that there is a ~14 year gap in known sexual peaks between sees, and you can see why monogamy is pretty much shoving a square peg down a round hole.
    This is not to meant to admonish monogamy. It is to understand what 2 people are trying to accomplish and what is in their way. It is as easy as eating the exact same meal for the length of a marriage. Ending the relationship and legal agreement because one of the members wanted something different for a little bit is rather selfish, petty, and expensive. All the driving factors leading to an affair are normal, it’s the difficult contract the two members unknowingly put themselves in that is abnormal. A perfect example is giving a 16 year old a brand new car, then telling them to make sure it stays in perfect working order, clean, and the driver keeps his/her license.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 7th, 2017 at 1:30 PM

    Rick, Your rational explanation of why the marriage contract is unrealistic is unhelpful to people on this blog in emotional pain. There is no logical explanation that helps when one partner consciously or unconsciously betrays and devastates their spouse. Actually, the logical thing would be: that the person who desires an affair go about ending his marriage contract before he finds and connects with another partner. On the surface, marriage is a legal binding agreement as you say, but it much deeper than that. It is a public acknowledgment and commitment that you and your partner are joining together to share your lives. It is the center of many people’s worlds and the foundation of a family. Regardless of our biological functions, we have social norms that don’t allow us to always act as we please. If you’re angry and in a heightened fight or flight response, you can’t go hurt someone else. If you’re married and have a physical and/or emotional attraction for another that doesn’t mean you can have a physical or emotional relationship with that person.
    As for “eating the same meal for a lifetime” I couldn’t agree less. Over the years people’s lives change and grow, they have children, grow in their careers, etc. That is hardly the same meal. I do agree with you that achieving a healthy, loving marriage for a lifetime is very difficult. We take on and meet challenges if they have value. And for many people marriage has tremendous value beyond the contract. Lori

  • Beth

    Beth

    January 5th, 2017 at 12:25 AM

    My husband had an affair with my niece. He gave her a lot of money. We were living together thought I could trust him around her , but learned I couldn’t. It is really hard to move forward with the affair but with a niece make it so much harder. Have disowned my niece. Can you give me any advice. We are together still but is very hard.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 7th, 2017 at 1:34 PM

    Beth, What an incredibly painful betrayal. Yes, with a niece that is much more complicated on many levels. My advice is clearly to get professional help with this. I don’t think anyone would be able to totally heal from this without assistance. On the Good Therapy website you can find a marriage expert in your location. A great on-line resource is BeyondAffairsNetwork.com. Hope that helps. Lori

  • Patient

    Patient

    January 12th, 2017 at 9:06 PM

    My hubby had an affair when I was expecting my third child and now the child is his favourite. I found out when my baby is 10 months old. He admit it and I was like oh my god it happened to me. I was so distarught that I slip into a depression for a year. Then after he had a fling with a co worker but denied it. After few years I have STD and this time he admit it, I went through hell with laser treatment etc. And yet I forgave him because of the kids. He treat me for granted as he knows I will stay and look after the family. Now after 25 years of marriage I began to think, oh my how the hell I have the strength to get through the ordeal than I remember my children. Now I need to be happy for myself I have a good job. I can fend for myself and the kids are all grown up. Should I leave him and find my happiness. I caught him a few times watching porno in the toilet and living room. Told him off a few times but nothing change. Sometimes I wander maybe he is …. well now is about me can I handle the family if I ask for a divorce.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 13th, 2017 at 8:47 AM

    Patient, In my 30 years in practice I have often had women come to counseling who have been taken for granted and disrespected, but they sacrifice and decide to stay for the kids. When the kids are finally on their own, many women in your situation do decide to divorce since they feel it is finally the time in their lives where they can get back to putting themselves first. I would certainly understand your choice if that was your decision. However, there are many factors that go into making a huge decision like this, so I would encourage you to go to an individual counselor to talk about your specific situation and explore the consequences of both choices. Take care, Lori

  • Martha

    Martha

    January 16th, 2017 at 4:03 AM

    I heard a lots of problems in marriage now a days we women we are always healing the wounds that our husband done us but worse part other women help the men to hurt other they can’t think one day they gonna fall on that trap i have also a problem of adultery he told me and my son he got affair with his colleague but the whole time he was accuse me of having affair with his colleague now he stay with his lover we are struggling financially he is in debt not knowing for what cause he has nothing our furniture and car is gone i have 3sons 27,20,18 his lover said she gonna make sure to make Satan been wrinkles and asked god to give me another years to live and i must have peace i don’t know what her lover told her about me she also ask to accept the things that she can’t change it maybe like me and the kids and my ex is alcoholic,money lender,cheater,liar she think she gonna change him we have 27yrs in marriage i wonder is it possible to change a person his behavior

  • Martha

    Martha

    January 16th, 2017 at 4:29 AM

    And i don’t want him back in my life cause he choose to live with his lover than us who know him better he went for mediation but not attend on the dates we have to be there he was nowhereabout there after telling me i am still his wife i must told him if i want anything i ask him what his lover gonna say he told me he gonna hangup his phone if i talk about his lover he is silent i don’t know what is he busy with he communicate only with the last born the other they don’t want to talk to him cause he never met their needs like a father

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    January 16th, 2017 at 1:18 PM

    Martha, Your situation is very sad. I hear your pain. It would be helpful if you sought out a counselor who could support you through this very difficult time. If he is not willing to participate in Mediation, the only other choice is for you to get an individual lawyer to guide you. The best way is to ask people you know for a referral or contact Legal Aid where you live. Take care, Lori

  • Mr Mick

    Mr Mick

    January 23rd, 2017 at 9:00 PM

    Hi My wife of 8 years and 4 kids had a virtual affair with my cousin for 3 months and 2 months into that affair had a physical affair with her Ex. Both ended by her after she slept with her Ex and I did not find out till a few months later.
    She has now gone out and organised councelling and says she wants to do everything she can to make it better. However her actions do not match her words. We are keeping it private however I have lost 16kgs in 6 weeks and very withdrawn from everyone so people are asking questions. Mean while she is happy and going on as life as normal. Also I went OS for a week after finding out about the physical affair and was very stressed over there. She knew this and was available on the phone to help me. When I arrived home a week later she was in bed????
    Leading upto the affair she became ill 2 months before. As we had 4 kids and 2 businesses I took on the extra responsibility of getting the kids to school, sports functions etc… Also helped her to her appointments as well as continuing with my normal duties. She never said anything to me but I assumed she could see what all the extra pressure was doing to me and appreciated me not complaining about it to her and just letting her focus on her.
    However I was not perfect in it all. I became emotionally distant from her so far as not always able to listen to or talk with her about things. It was not that I did not want to I was just soooo tired. As a result she did get upset and started speaking to friends about how I was not available to her enough and what could be wrong.
    Anyway she then started talking to my male cousin just for advice and within 2 weeks they were sexting and sharing nudes… 95% of the chats were about marriage, me and how to make it better but she claims the 5% was just there way of an escape from reality and meant nothing just words and pics and nothing physical.
    She then got back in contact with her ex 2 months into her virtual affair with my cousin as his grandma passed away. within a week she was then sharing nudes with him as well. She secretly organised to go meet him. She says it was not for sex she just wanted to visit him and take him dinner as he would not cook before the funeral. She said she went there and they just spoke as old frinds for a while. She then went to the loo and when she came out he was in the hall put his hand out and then they started kissing and went to the bedroom. She said she just tuned out and just laid there did not even enjoy it. Once he was done she got dressed and left. I do not believe it was that way at all. She said she stopped speaking with him after that or does not remember any more conversations.
    I am torn apart and trying to work out what to do. She is a stranger to me not my wife or mother of my children. The problem is I still lover her but I really think from her actions she does not love me. She pleads that she does and says she is having trouble showing it as she is so full of self hate and guilt she just wants to pack up and leave me and the kids sometimes.
    My issue is I do not think she is been honest about the sex as they did not even use protection so I think it was alot more intense than she made out. And I think something physical happened with my cousin as when I raise she gets very defensive and when I talk to him just about the pics all he ever says is it was never physical I never touched her all the time.
    So I am now a mess and can not even operate. Do I stay, do I go???
    Could it be she was lonly and then once she got the attention could not stop, she has said she did love the attention but once she slept with her Ex it all stopped and she focused on how to make us better as she realised what a mistake she had made.
    She does not work as we agreed she would stay home and raise the kids.
    I do not think she is a bad person just made a right old mess of things due to her state of mind and me been to blind to read the signs.

    HELP!!!!!

  • Terry

    Terry

    January 26th, 2017 at 10:19 AM

    I just found out my wife of two years has been having an affair for 18 months. I love her with all my heart and I know I failed to be there for her and drove her into his arms. She is sorry and we are both taking a look at ourselves and trying to save our love. She said she loved him but broke it off because she wants me and our love was stronger. I am having a rough time letting go of the thought of her with him and the fact that she could hide the lies so well for so long. We had been together for 4 years and married for 2. I hope we can learn from this and rebuild stronger than before.

  • Rosie

    Rosie

    February 1st, 2017 at 8:13 AM

    After 23 years ago, i had a affair but my husband don’t let go, but in my affair i got pregnant by this other man and lost the baby, i knew i did a big mistake and husband and i can’t have a child. it been 23 years ago,. I don’t know what to do.. leave or stay in this marriage over 40 years now :( help please!

  • Jake

    Jake

    February 3rd, 2017 at 7:38 PM

    I’m 36 been with the same woman for 18 yrs haven’t so muched as kissed her in the last 2-3 months. We have a new 2nd home together and two young sons, to tell you the truth I could give a shit it’s just money at this point I would love to leave but can’t afford it and would hate not being with my sons everyday like I’m use to. I’m not a guy that needs to get laid daily but bi weekly would suffice several months!!!!! Yeah I don’t think so, she would flip a lid if I threatened to leave which I haven’t yet but am damn close to. I have kids been in a long term relationship and could care less if I’m in one again I’m a good looking guy and could find a one night stand with out having to buy someone a drink. People say don’t you want a friend though…. well I have several and a dog. I love my woman but this has sucked for quite a while and don’t want to waste another decade or more. Man these decisions suck.

  • Anne

    Anne

    February 5th, 2017 at 2:30 PM

    Comments above have somewhat helped me. I just recently found out my partner’s infidelity. I am having a hard time to move on, though we decided to work it out, we still live together with our 6- month old baby. months before my pregnancy, he had sex texts with this 55 year old woman, by the way my husband is 32 years old. And when I became pregnant, they started to see each other again, and yes they are coworkers. They meet at the park before and after work for 5 mins, 15 mins, 1 hour and at most 4 hours in a motel, thanks for technology, I found these all in Apple’s Location Services, They started to have sex in the car, and jn the motel. As I have read, emotional infidelity is more destructive than sexual ones. My husband admitted it and chose me as he said he loves me. He wants to work this out. But it is really difficult for me, I can continue to serve him, love him but it is really hard to forget everything. I am also blaming myself of what happened, due to being pregnant, i was not able to fully serve him, because of I didnt feel well during my first trimester, we didnt have sex too because of low lying placenta that puts me at risk for miscarriage. I remember he wanted some oral sex but I refused because of I was afraid that i can harm the baby whenever I was aroused. Thats why Im blaming myself I deprived him of sex. and failed to not cook foods for him daily because of bed rest, he in turn, did the cooking and other household chotes. is it easier to admit you are in a sexual relationship than in an emotional relationship? He keeps telling me that he just used that woman for sex. I want to believe him but I read his emails, they were on and off from year 2009-2010, and my partner and I started last september 2010 in a long distance relationship, I knew he really loved me and loves me until now… they continued they sex whenever they see each other, thats what we said, and it was seldom according to him, they continued texting and sexting sending nude photos year 2012, then late 2013-2014 too, it was an on and off, and 2015 it stopped because I have now migrated here in the us and we are now living together, But the woman didnt want to stop, she continued to stay even my oartner and I are living together, being a 3rd party is ok with her, as she said what is theirs are theirs. I have read in the emails my husbands messages to her were so intimate saying things like I love you so much, I cant live without you, and so on., but mostly there were naughty texts, I asked him and he said, those are just easy to say, he just said those things to woe the woman for sex. Should I believe my husband that his intention was just for sex? because i am now doubting of his love towards me from year 2010 until now, I am having hard time to accept it because they are coworkers, if it was all because of just sex then it would be easier for me to recover even they see each other everyday at work, but if it included emotional, they it could be hard for me not to think of the two of them. He always assures me that he loves me, he even begged me to stay not to leave him, knelt down and talked to the woman told him to stop texting because he doesnt want to lose me and our baby. Please help. Thanks.

  • Jake

    Jake

    February 8th, 2017 at 7:42 AM

    Listen you being pregnant is not your fault. Any man that cheats on his wife/ girlfriend while she is carrying his child is the worst. When my wife was pregnant with both our sons she got huge she’s petite to begin with, and I was just as attracted to her if you really love someone there appearance is always appealing. So if he uses that excuse he’s full of shit sorry. I understand you probably feel stuck with a child and want to work it out and try to forgive him, but it’s going to be very, very hard to say the least. Just remember at your age even with the kid you have a chance to move on and still find happiness. And if he says he’s lying to this woman then he lies to women to get what he wants, how do you know he isn’t lieing to you? He probably is.

  • Bobakka

    Bobakka

    March 14th, 2017 at 10:44 AM

    Horrible advice Jake… what uses to be discarding any number of people for sexual gratification nowadays becomes discarding any number of our subsequent life partners for gratifying ourselves in the dream relationship we think we deserve or at least until we manage to fool ourselves to believe this one it is, or even to believe that such thing exist. good job reinforcing this childish fairy tale. If you really want to know why im so mean, then just think for a second, what if men are polygamous by nature and society forces everyone to hold men to such arbitrary standards that paramount to asking someone to change their sexual orientation. I bet even you Jake, yes you wartch porn most likely as often as any other men (which is a lot) and imagine other women. Some would say that’s not real, but what about it’s emotional impact? Or better yet, what about your orgasm that you feel when you imagine someone else in porn? Is that orgasm not real?

  • mike

    mike

    February 9th, 2017 at 10:29 AM

    i just want to no if it is right if my friend talks to my wife about his problems when i am not home

  • J

    J

    February 14th, 2017 at 3:40 AM

    My husband of 24 years had an 10 year affair. Three of those years was physical and 6 years continued over the phone with sexting, pictures and videos. The female he cheated with was his best friends wife. My husband says that he has a sex problem and she was just a dump station. He said there was no attraction to her, it was just sex. When I caught him, he begged me for another chance and told me how much he loved me and always have. I’m sorry, I don’t understand that kind of love. Why all of a sudden love me? How can you have sex with someone your not attracted to? If there was no feelings and no attraction, why did it carry on for 6 years on the phone after we moved home? Now, I’m trying to forgive him but I feel like I was the dump station because he chose her over coming to me. Now, he has a hard time having sex with me. He says it’s not me and something just ” clicked” when he got caught. He says he goes not want to be that selfish person anymore, he says it’s not all about sex anymore. I need answers and all I get I ” I don’t know” answers. To me, he should know because that’s what he chose….HER!

  • Tim

    Tim

    March 13th, 2017 at 9:26 AM

    Check this out..been with my wife 12 years married for 10..she cheated early stages but we stayed together…weve had 3 kids…i have also cheated on her..we keep it honest by having told each other..very heart breakingfor her an for me…we have stuck together tho…our sex life seems great but it’s not. I have complaints cause she dont wanna try different stuff an every time I try something new she asks.. what are you doing ..it kills the mood for me….her problem with me she says is I don’t last long enough..some days it’s like that…some days I’m a stallion and go forever…she never moans for short or long sex…anyhow i told her yesterday I was leaving her, do to not turning her on…plus when I play with her she never seems to get wet…i am not the most soft hearted lover..im a pretty coarse guy…i told her I don’t care to stay cause I don’t treat her the best and if I can’t even turn her on what’s point….we talked it out agreed to stay together…well last night she showers ..we had night planned ..i was giving her a full body massage and get her tiled up.. right as i started getting ready for bed she gives me a kiss says she tired..i asked if she wanted me still dovmassage ..she said yes…i did her back her breathing told me she was enjoying it and her body showed signs also.. i started on her front next but when i started caressing towards her feel good she stoped me she also kept her legs tightly together..on her backside she had her legs spread…awhile later were laying in bed i started eating her out , she stops me quickly claiming she had to pee..ok..after she feel asleep I swear she was playing with herself…morning came I got up got dressed…i know she wasn’t sleeping ..so i left door slightly open and I pretend to go outside..sure enough she wasnt…i waited little bit cause I could hear her movin in bed..i had feeling she was going wait till i left room to do whatever…i appeared quickly startled her…her hands were down at her pussy playing with herself..she stopped quickly like she wasn’t doing anything..anyhow I took her to work… someone help me out I’m thinking she has an affair going on at work…why else would she shut me down a knight keep in her pussy clean for whoever at work…im just debating whether or not to leave…i think she just wants us together for our kids..hell I’m lost here…any ideas…
    .

  • Eldie

    Eldie

    March 20th, 2017 at 7:11 AM

    I have been married for 22 years now and our marriage life was ok until last year when I discovered that my wife was having an affair with her boss (hospital administrator). My wife was free to do whatever she wanted at work and I was not bothered because I had trust in her. one day I escorted my wife to a hair saloon. Upon reached area, she left her phone in the vehicle. she forgot to close the message she reading. I wanted to close the phone, but only to find a message stating “I could not sleep because of yesterday’s kiss”. Then I left the phone and did not say anything because I wanted to know who the writer of the message. To my surprise after going through the message I found out that it was her boss. After three days I confronted her and she became defensive and said that those messages were meant for a her friend. Surprisingly, that friend of hers is also married and said that she fears that her husband might see those messages.
    After that encounter, she change the name in the phone and opened a file for her boss where to post messages. The disappointing thing is that he sends her messages in my presence and states that I know your husband is near you but I am crazy about you. Now she resolved to delete the messages immediately she finishes reading it.
    I find it difficult to trust my wife any more. I have not cheated on my wife as a Christian knowing that adultery is the most serious sin a person can commit as such a person is sinning against his/her own body. The Bible states that one can only divorce under such issues.
    Can I ever continue trust her even when I know she has not changed but only pretends. We have two children, one is 20 years and the other is 14 years.
    Help!

  • Katie J

    Katie J

    March 27th, 2017 at 8:06 AM

    My husband has two colleagues at work with whom he has good friendships. One in particular, “Jenny” however, makes me extremely uncomfortable. He works in in a university setting, and the work environment there is very tense and draining. The three of them have a camaraderie, which in itself, is good to have that kind of support in a toxic workplace. However, when he comes home from work, the chats are non stop in Facebook messenger. He is involved with a group chat (with two of them,) and Jenny messages him 1:1 regularly outside of work hours as late as 11:00 or midnight. She is married with two kids; my husband and I have a 21-month old daughter who consumes a lot of our after-work time until she goes to bed. But even after going to sleep at 7:30, he is often messaging with either the two of them or just Jenny. During their summer and winter breaks, he talks to Jenny a LOT. Most of it is work-related, but occasionally they will discuss personal things. She has told him that she felt lonely in her marriage before, (I was using his iPad once, which we sometimes share, and her message popped up.) I don’t know how he responded. I don’t feel that it was appropriate for her to tell him this, even if it was a one-time thing. They have never done anything physical, I am sure of it, but the emotional bond they have is troubling to me. They message each other (he is also a culprit in this) as early as 7:00 a.m., are together at work M-F 9-5, and message all evening. Probably at least 20-30 exchanges in the evening alone. I have talked to him about this. He still is able to read the messages he gets, but he told me he will not respond to them outside of work hours, meaning nights and weekends. Additionally, during summer breaks while I’m at work, he has met up with her and her kids (bringing our daughter with) to go to the beach, they have gone to a Beyonce concert together, went to a cooking class, he invited her on what was supposed to be a date night to a sporting event (a sport she knows and cares nothing about but showed up anyway with her husband and kids.) They spent the whole time talking.
    It was a difficult conversation for me to have with him bringing up my feelings on all of this, and him not checking responding to their messages was the compromise we both agreed to. Our first try of this was yesterday. He got dozens of messages–not sure if it was group or just Jenny, but I could tell he was feeling resentful toward me. I asked him if there is an emotional need that they’re filling that I am not, and if not, what can I do about this? He said “no,” and that was why he married me. I’m feeling like a third wheel and that I’m grasping at straws in my own relationship. I’ve been trying to bring back the spark for us, but it’s like he gets irritated at my attempts or barely acknowledges them. He sent me a picture of a scene that he thought was beautiful on a walk he went on last week. I decided I wanted to recreate the picture and painted the scene for him when he was away one evening. He didn’t even see the picture I painted that I had displayed on our counter for when he got home from being away. Then I found out he also sent the picture to the group. He was away for a week and a half visiting his grandparents and then going to a conference. During this time, he never told me he missed me. He did tell the other two, “I miss you all.” During winter break, he and Jenny were talking a lot since Jenny was feeling lonely not being with her colleagues. She was apparently drinking more and was upset with her husband but felt guilty because she couldn’t say way. She told him she was glad that she could chat with him, to which he responded that he enjoyed their chats, too. I am feeling so lonely right now, too. After I spilled all of this to him and told him that I fear we have an emotional disconnect, he told me that, “Accept that’s how you feel and move on.” We have been together for 10 years, married for almost 6. I love him and am still IN love with him. I know he loves me, but a lot of things on his end are just going through the motions. I want him to feel connected to me the way he does with Jenny.
    I apologize about the major disconnect of this whole message. It’s all so raw to me, so I am kind of writing as I think about things. This has been going on for at least 3 years now, and I wanted to finally put my foot down. I blame myself for not nipping their relationship in the bud earlier. Before her, we were completely fine and happy. I feel that I should end by saying she is a nice person, too. I just don’t want her leaning on my husband for support.

  • Shashi

    Shashi

    April 4th, 2017 at 4:56 PM

    We strange to share my feelings with you all but after reading all the thing is all people’s I can’t stop my self
    Hi guys.
    My wife is also a working women in a good firm. But now a days I saw a tremnedious changes in her. She always appreciates his callegue. By the mean time is bunked the office n get to his flat also. So my mind is now confused that is she fallen a love of affaire with that collegue. After asking my wife regarding him she denied by giving silly silly reasons but some noticeable things had occured few days. Such.
    1. She always deletes the call log, Whats up chats , massager massages etc when she talks in off hours.
    2. Now a days when she got to know that I am cheking her phone the she started the Whatsup call etc.
    3. Always prasing her callegue saying he is nice n tall n bold type of persons.
    4. Also she shares all the important thing with him.
    Frinends my mind is now confused now is she fallen a love with that guy or has a strong affair.
    I am 80% sureshort that she is having a affaire with her callegue. Her behaving n changes shoes that she has an affaire with him.
    Friends what u all thing Pl. Share.
    Thanks

  • Paul

    Paul

    April 13th, 2017 at 11:03 PM

    My wife and I are bestfriends, we talk about everything. But it changed after 4 – 6 months and sex also. But that is part of the story. I found out during the months she had a crush on a guy at her work, but i overlooked it and went on with my job and kept her happy best I could. But after a couple months later I noticed she wont talk to me or kiss me or even say she loves me over the phone. I felt a void, I felt more like I lost a best friend. After that we had fights, not the good ones like sex afterwards. Last time sex would happen would be 1-3 months if anything, once. We have been married 3 years. Well, eventually she talked to me and told me she hand a fling with her crush at work. I was hurt. I didn’t know why it happened (at that moment) but later in the months I knew.(it was me, i didn’t satisfy her interllectually or emotionally) I forgave her before I could say “divorce” because I really still love her (love for me is taking her out, going hiking and getting to talk to her again, and some sex, hey im a dude) So I forgave her, but I still noticed something was wrong. Things were not the same. We’ll we got a little tipsy and she asked me why it wouldn’t work with him and her and I became her bf and therapist for that night ( we drank alot of beers, but i made sense somehow) . She finally told me she had sex with him. That’s really what i needed to hear. And its been bothering me for months, she regrets it and she told me she was drunk when it happened. I was hurt but I was there for her, not as a husband but as her bf. I am hurt, I do feel really bad, but I also do feel relieved. Is this normal? And is it normal that i still want to be with her. But should i be? I don’t want to lose the only friend that I knows everything about me. Not just the Husband and wife part, just me and her. I don’t want to be bonded just on a sheet of paper. And i have zero friends. All i have is her.

  • maria19890

    maria19890

    May 5th, 2017 at 6:52 AM

    Are you suspicious of your partner?

  • leroy

    leroy

    May 22nd, 2017 at 8:28 AM

    My wife of 17 years and 22 year together have three children, We have been separated since March. We have been arguing since December about her having conversations with someone on an unavailable phone line. The calls were made during times I and the children were not around. I questioned them and stated it was certain female colleagues. From there she began to tell me she wanted a divorce, but has yet to file, She only accuses me of being emotional and physically abusive. In my defense the only time i became physical, which is still unacceptable was during an evening of March 2, where she would not want to speak with me about the issue. The emotional abuse is stated because of the arguments we would have about family equality. Meaning she would provide more for her family, and would have many decisions influenced by them as well. My suggestions were fairly recognized. She placed a restraining order on me, but the same night called and acted and sounded concerned. She continued to keep the order for a year but continues to call me and text. I ask her about reconciliation and her only response is i don’t know and that she is broken and needs to fix herself. Still completely confused and wonder if I should move on.

  • Eme

    Eme

    July 21st, 2017 at 5:57 PM

    Cheating could happen to anyone, as long as some people are not contented with what they have, they’ll surely explore.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2017 at 1:06 PM

    Eme, Sad but true. That’s why we work so hard to help couples maintain their connection. Thanks for your comment. Lori

  • Adrian

    Adrian

    July 23rd, 2017 at 12:24 AM

    Oh oh. Could be correct forum to check on some weird activities my wife has been?
    We were happily married for 25 years until I had a medical issue .. got me 2 years comatosed and another 1 year of physiotherapy to get me moving around albeit slowly. Noticed wife going to gym at 6am every day then off to work … back only around midnight (Mon-Fri). She (senior position in company) said need to motivate staff … taking them clubbing. Noticed this 4 months ago. Asked her to quit as we are financially sound. She said “No. I enjoyed my work.” Kissed her good night and tasted alcohol in her lips.
    Spoke to her a few weeks ago to separate as she can romp more freely. She said “No. You are sick.”
    Engaged a PI to go to her clubs to check things out.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    July 23rd, 2017 at 1:05 PM

    Adrian, So sorry to hear about your pain. You’ve been through a lot. If you need support, a therapist can help. Take care, Lori

  • Peachy

    Peachy

    July 31st, 2017 at 11:35 PM

    My partner of 6 years left me and I’ve cried for 2 years I did nothing wrong but I was accused of being a physco / nutter but the woman he’s with is controlling , let’s see how exciting it is now as he gets bored very easy she will never have peace of mind .

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 2nd, 2017 at 11:22 AM

    Peachy, There is tremendous grieving that needs to be done when someone leaves a long relationship. It sounds like you are still sad and angry. I would encourage you to find a therapist and work it through, so you can let go and be emotionally free to find a partner who can love you fully.

  • Lee

    Lee

    August 28th, 2017 at 2:28 AM

    26 years of marriage and 31 years together with 2 grown children. 2 weddings in past year and putting kids thru college let me to work 2 jobs which consumed much of my time, sitting at both jobs caused weight gain due to lack of exercise and my self-esteem was very low. Needless to say, i did not meet my husbands needs with sex and passion. He finally blew up at me 2.5 months ago which made me take a step back to re-evaluate my actions. I immediately adjusted my 2nd job duties and came bursting out of my shell sexually and as he said “became the perfect wife, but why now and not before ?” I cannot answer that but his frustrations that came to a head made me take a step back and realize that i needed to make changes. While he was home and enjoying this new wife i have become, he wanted time with friends too. I agreed as i didn’t want to be that wife that kept her husband under her thumb. Something wasn’t sitting well with me and i ended up catching him cheating. I went thru an array of all emotions that day. Now it all made sense, the past 2 months he kept telling me “i know in my heart, once of these days, i’ll be begging you to take me back and your going to tell me to f* off”. I didn’t understand as i wasn’t going anywhere. I liked the new person I had become, i had my life back. But he said it almost every week until he was caught. He told me he had feelings for her. Loved me and was trying desperately to fall back in love, but he had feelings already for her. He told my children that he didn’t plan on this happening with the OW, it was a booty call to start but feelings developed as she made him feel like man and young again. He works with her and she was recently divorced and their friendship blossomed. He said he ended it while i was “trying” but she kept coming at him and he finally said, i don’t want to lose the OW and he basically wanted his 1-2 nights with her and rest of week with me. She agreed not to call or text during the 5 days when he was home. Once i kicked him out, (I needed to keep some dignity in my mind), he had a few places to stay. Past weekend he stays at our vacation property and calls the kids telling them how much he misses me and asking them if i am wondering where he is and how torn he is down the middle. Misses and loves what he is about to lose, but has feelings for OW and how she makes him feel and Is afraid if he came back, i’d never trust him again and make his life hell. (i can’t believe she is on even playing ground with me – 31 years vs 3 months). My oldest tells him that I can understand how this happened and may be willing to work on this, but under one condition, this must end and quickly. He agreed but said, he was completely torn down middle. My oldest tells him that how can he see the new me when he was “clouded” by the OW who was still in picture. He was numb to my changes and never really gave me a chance. Now he claims he had no where to go, (had 5 options), but has chosen to spend nights and days with OW, plus seeing her at work. I’m status quo as of now as i don’t want to make haste decisions, but seeing an attorney this week. We live paycheck to paycheck so she’s definitely not in it for the money, he won’t have any. I can’t afford house on my own, so may lose the house and so much is now spiraling downward. I’m trying to get myself in a mental state where i can address all these issues forthcoming with a clear head. Family and friends who have seen this happen say that him staying with her is my “ace in the hole” as now it went from 1-2 nights to every night and day and this may expedite what happens. Either he realizes quickly or he stays and is happy with her. But now i’m no longer in limbo and also no longer being made a fool out of. I have appt this week to get checked for STD’s as i found out this weekend, she was married 2x and anyone who aggressively chases after a married man after he broke it off is not actually a righteous woman. Not blaming her fully as it takes 2, but i need to take care of myself. My question, how long should i wait ? I have a real issue being 2nd choice at this point, but he would of been home “trying to get his head clear” until i caught him. I did force him into her arms full-time, but I also have self-respect and didn’t want to continue being my new found inner-self and loving wife/woman and yet he was with her on his boys night out. I’m told let this affair ride out. This is his 1st time cheating and he’s a very emotional and loving man who loved his family dearly. Its not like he cheated before. He claimed he was unhappy for 20 years but my oldest called him out on that BS – told him 5 months ago he was doing this and doing that and thats BS, you flirted, you felt good and you took it to the next step and you picked up feelings you didn’t plan on. He started to sob and said “your right, i’m a piece of crap and screwed up horribly”. He’s not coming to me asking to come back. I won’t ask him to end this as if it has to come from me, i’ll never know if he did it on his own. Normally if i was younger, i’d be moving on without thinking twice, but 31 years is a long time commitment and i just don’t know what to do. Do i give this time ? if so, how long ? I’m not getting any younger and will start taking care of what needs to be done before my credit score tanks to below my weight due to the inability to pay the bills. I’m not angry, i’m not bitter, when we do talk, its civil. BUT i won’t beg for him to come back. I won’t wait long, but just don’t know how long to ride this one out. Some say its Mid-life crisis (he’s 50 next month). I say it was a lull in marriage and he found excitement and i goofed up his head by making the changes that made me the perfect wife and he was then torn as he saw what i was willing to do. He even told the kids that… “i expected Mom to say she hated me but instead she became the person i wanted to have he become for a long time and that is what is making this so hard”. He teared up the past 2 months saying the thought of any man having me as the new woman i’ve becoming is upsetting and bothers him. Again, i didn’t think much of it as i had no intentions of going anywhere. Now i know why. He knew sooner or later he would be caught and my reaction would be “get out” He was right. Any advice or suggestions would be truly appreciated from those who know best as my head is currently clouded. I don’t know what to do. How long do I wait, do i wait ? Will he come to senses ? Or, do i get this life picked up, wipe the dirt off my face and get out there once i’m in a good place and meet someone who will enjoy the new me that now made time to my act together, lose 30 lbs and now understands to never let life get boring. HELP…..and thank you for any advice. Sorry for the long rant.

  • Lee

    Lee

    August 28th, 2017 at 2:32 AM

    OH, forgot to add. He works with the other woman, told me it would be tough to end as he sees her everyday and can’t avoid due to their job duties. He’s a supervisor and she works in another department. He used to be loving on weekends, but as soon as he went to work, his demeanor changed as he saw her. She has a hold on him and he is allowing it. Told my oldest, he wishes she’ get another job and move away and he’d be fine. I don’t think he can or wants to end this, but so much, so quickly, may be a good thing or bad.

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    August 28th, 2017 at 12:33 PM

    Lee, So sorry for your pain. I have many thoughts having been a couples therapist for 27 years and having heard many similar experiences. A marriage is the responsibility of both partners, but an affair is a choice that one person makes. You are not responsible for your husband’s affair. Sounds like at this moment he is very conflicted. That leaves you in great uncertainty. You are both in tremendous pain in different ways. There is not a one size fits all answer about how long you should wait. That’s where a therapist would be able to help you sort through your individual situation and circumstances. The most important thing you can do now is to take care of yourself, which you are doing – getting checked for STDs, getting information about your legal rights, taking care of yourself physically and emotionally, getting support from those you can confide in. My biggest piece of advice is for you and he to go to individual and couples therapy. If there is hope for the marriage, he must end this relationship and work on that part of the issues individually. I wouldn’t “ride it out.” For you individual therapy will strengthen your sense of “self” which women often lose through the years, so you can make the best decision. Couples therapy would address the relationship issues and re-building trust. It seems like a daunting process and it takes time, but if couples recommit to the marriage they can move the relationship to a place it’s never been before-more connected and deeper. The way my husband and I see this is: This is the biggest decision you will ever make in your life besides having kids. It will affect your “family,” your kids, your finances, and the course of your lives. That’s why therapy is so important. If we can be of service let me know. Lori

  • Josie

    Josie

    September 10th, 2017 at 11:43 PM

    I had an affair with my boss not long after our first anniversary. My husband was/ is a really good man and I was never unhappy with him and never stopped desiring or loving him… I stopped loving ME. I was selfishly insecure and greedily wanted more than I was being given at the time due to him working crazy long hours. What do women want? They want to feel ‘wanted’.
    The affair lasted around 8 months, although I wanted it to end a few months before it did..it wasn’t making me happy and I realised suddenly that I had become someone I never ever imagined I would ever drop so low morally to be. It was the lowest I had ever felt and I wanted a change so when opportunity knocked I convinced my husband that a move to the other side of the country would get us out of the rut we were in. I worked hard to be the model wife and made a vow with myself to never even put myself in that position where I am ever close to another man, even as a friend.
    Life was pretty good and we were closer than ever and then I fell pregnant.
    I started struggling internally as to whether to tell him about the affair as I felt it was a huge secret to keep and I didn’t want to lie but It was no longer just about me and him? Lots of research showed the betrayed person just wishing they had never been told ( if the affair was over) so I contemplated that but couldn’t see us having a lasting marriage built on a lie…so
    I told him one day.
    He was so shocked and hurt….he never imagined I would cheat either. But after the initial confession he refused to talk about it and was adamant he didn’t want anyone to know…especially the other guy. Which was hard as we were both friends with him and his wife so had to ‘keep up appearances’ when they visited. It baffles me that he can want anything to do with them but he puts up with the occasional visit and even encouraged me to see them when we visited our hometown…to keep up appearances. It’s frustrating, but I respect his wishes.
    Me and the guy have never spoken about the affair. I have never communicated with him in any way since we left town, withought there being someone else present. I have no feelings for him, aside from a little resentment that he wasn’t a better person than me.
    My husband has mates here that I think view me as a snob as I don’t joke around with them or flirt ‘innocently’….I just no longer trust my own judgement as I was previously so SURE I would never be a cheater before. I don’t think of anyone apart from my husband.
    10 years have passed since I told him. I thought we were going ok…we stayed together and supported each other through tough times and are intimate. I tell him all the time how much I love him and he said he loves me too….although it bothers me he doesn’t put effort in to the relationship and never initiates. We still never talk about our feelings but I put it down to him beng a blokey bloke.
    Then 3 weeks ago he suddenly turned cold…barely spoke to me and never responds when I say ‘I love you’. After much coercing, and 2 weeks later, he says ‘ I’m just sick of pretending to have feelings for you anymore…I’ve been pretending since you told me and I’m only been staying because if my son’
    He went on to say whenever he looks at me he sees the other guy, when we are naked he imagines me with him. He also thinks I ‘trapped’ him because I knew he would stay if I was pregnant.
    It broke my heart and I felt sucker punched…I never knew he felt like that and to be told he had no love for me…it felt hopeless. I can’t force him to love me! My thoughts went into a huge negative spiral and I could barely function for days.
    I suggested that we see a marriage councillor and he grudgingly agreed to go.
    A couple of days later I hugged him and told him I loved him and he responded with ‘ I love u too’. When I looked at him in disbelief he said he didn’t mean he had no feelings for me…just less than he should.
    I went in our room and bawled..mainly with relief. I just feel that maybe if there is a tiny amount of love…just maybe it can grow? I just really thought he has kept everything bottled up inside for so long…if he could just tell me his feelings..if we could just talk about the elephant in the room..it may help with the negative emotions and imaginings going on in his head.
    So we saw a councillor today…and it’s not what I expected. I just wanted her to help us communicate. I want to be able to tell him how unsatisfied I was with the affair…how bad the sex was and that I didn’t love the other guy at all ( it wasn’t about sex…or even bonding with the guy emotionally, as I didn’t…it was about me) . But it wasn’t like that.
    She didn’t seem to think talking would help. He kept saying he has tried for 10 years to think about me differently but can’t .
    (I can’t see how keeping something bottled up and not talking about it is ‘trying’)
    The councillor basically told me there’s nothing I can do…he needs to change the way he sees me as he keeps repeating the same thoughts in his head…or triggering the same feelings…when he sees me. Therefore he apparently needs to rewire the way he thinks about me if he wants the marriage to work, and what does he have to lose in trying?
    She scheduled him in for an appointment one on one with him to do this.
    I kind of understand the reasoning but it’s not what I expected. I just can’t see us moving forward till he knows certain things and I can reassure him he wasn’t ‘lacking’ in any way…but I feel I have to trust her as she’s a therapist (and a well known, respected one)
    Does what she say it make sense? Am I right to think this isn’t the right path at least not yet? Or am I just ‘trying to get stuff off my chest’ for no beneficial reason?
    I’m so frustrated and worried he will say he has tried but it didn’t work, and end things when they could have been helped better.

  • palmettosun

    palmettosun

    September 12th, 2017 at 5:27 PM

    Hi, I wonder if perhaps the PTSD-like effects of betrayal that all betrayed spouses have felt are not somewhat due to our own outdated perception of modern marriage. Would we all be better off if we set aside our own insecurities and approached relationships as never being able to 100% fulfill all our needs, wants, and desires? Maybe for most its unrealistic for us to expect our spouses to shoulder the burden of satisfying the ever changing ebb and flow of our romantic and sexual needs and is asking far too much of them. And by expecting our SO’s to be our “soul-mates”…our “everything”, etc. — we are really just setting ourselves up for disappointment due to an archaic concept of how modern marriage “is supposed to be”.
    I used to feel like many other betrayed spouses who’ve posted here. I was cheated on and the betrayal was almost more than I could handle. I was devastated. Here is a bit of backstory: My wife began an affair after dealing with some depression, and also feelings of losing her identity of “self” in motherhood and family. She had reached a point, years into our marriage, where there was nothing new or novel about “us” or our sex lives. We had tried almost every thing two people could experience together in bed — but I could not provide her with that adrenaline rush of “new love” or the excitement a woman gets when someone new compliments her. If I told her how sexy and beautiful she was, it just came off as her husband saying what he had always said our whole relationship. “Love craves constancy and predictability, but passion and desire crave novelty”, according to much of the latest research (Esther Perel has a fascinating TED talk on this subject that is amazing). My wife, rather than come to me and talk about her issues and existential crisis decided to seek affirmation in the arms of another man. She option to not try to work on these problems together, not because she thought I didn’t care, but because she believed that I could not fulfill her needs no matter how hard I was willing to try. Reaching out for validation (sexting, flattery) to a past boyfriend she had reconnected with on Facebook seemed easier and less emotional effort.
    After months of her suddenly losing weight, a new sexier wardrobe, late night texting, and the need to visit old girlfriends I’d never heard of — I began snooping and predictably uncovered her betrayal. I found videos and pics that she had allowed him to take of her during their encounters (vaginal, anal, oral, role playing) and that they had mutually shared, as well as multiple sexts and emails. I confronted her and she was indignant, almost angry, in her denials, that is until I showed her what I’d discovered. She was mortified, visibly shaken, and began sobbing uncontrollably. She admitted that the affair had gone on for months, that she was in love, and that her affair partner was in love with her. Being a man who over the years has known many acquaintances who’ve cheat on their wives, I knew almost certainly that my wife had no clue as to this man’s real feeling for her. My guess was that he perhaps liked her, but the real draw for him was the sex she submitted to him at his whim. To prove this, I asked her to call him at work, put him on speaker, and ask him if he really was in-love with her, and if he really wanted a life with her? After she had composed herself, and reached him, he of course began a quick back-pedal. He used delay tactics asking her why she was “putting him on the spot”. She persisted, needing desperately to hear him tell her how special she really was. She needed to hear the same words he’d used before that had disarmed her doubts and dispelled her feeling of guilt, the same words that she treasured and led to her falling in love with him. But, alas, it wasn’t to be. In the end, knowing that he couldn’t maintain the fantasy any longer (or get the sex that he wanted) he admitted to what I already knew, that the whole thing was nothing more than a “nice time” for him, and that he would never, ever, leave his wife — who, according to him, he still deeply loved. He mumbled an apology and hung up. All attempts by her in the weeks following went unanswered. It was over.
    In the months to follow, I had wavered on whether I wanted to invest anymore into our failed marriage. The videos and texts kept haunting me, and I stayed away for weeks except for texting to arrange splitting time with our son. I was in constant contact with her affair partner’s wife during this time, as I had exposed her husband. She was having to navigate the same carnage I was undergoing, and so we had formed an awkward bond which entailed us acting as each other’s shoulder to lean on and to vent. We had both decided that we’d try to keep our marriages from self-destructing, and to see if we could heal somehow. To help in this endeavor, we made a pact to keep the other informed and apprised of any strange activities between our spouses. None occurred. Evidently, with the fantasy now evaporated, the love birds were somewhat disgusted with each other and the whole affair. Their dalliance had only made their lives worse and they both knew it. They were even more confused about life now than before. Both were ashamed and depressed, but in need of forgiveness. Both desperately wanted to work on repairing their marriages, and rebuilding trust.
    Over the years since the affair, I’ve learned a lot and have read volumes about what causes affairs and what motivates other to enter into secret relationships. Based on a pattern of often overlapping research data. I’ve come to the strong conclusion that a big part of the problem with infidelity is in how we as insecure human beings judge it. When we were young, we were idealistic as well as unrealistic as to how a long term relationship should be. We internalized a set of rules based on how we were raised, what our religion taught, on what our family and friends said was “the right way to act”. We formed a rigid construct, a binary concept of marriage that left little room for the inevitable changes that were bound to occur if we stayed together long enough.
    Research indicates that, while its certainly possible to maintain fidelity in our relationships, humans are not “naturally” prone to monogamy. Even in an age where divorce is accepted and available , many spouses still stray. The reasons for this phenomena vary but often even content/happy couples still cheat once the relationship has lost its shine. The elation and joy of that “new” relationship that provided the thrill and challenge of attracting and discovering someone new becomes replaced with a more realistic and sober existence in a marital relationship. That’s normal. But so is the boredom couples experience once the honeymoon stage is over. Many husbands feel surprised and rejected once their wives (now burdened down with work, kids, and life stresses) no longer desire to satisfy their sexual needs like before. After all, there’s now a long list of things competing for their attention, and all too often their husband’s sexual needs may fall far down that list. Likewise, husbands, stressed over unrealized life/success goals and the economic pressures of seeing themselves as the “provider” subconsciously substitute their financial contributions to the family for the romantic overtures and attention they once lavished on their wives. While its easy to say things like “we just kinda let things get away over time”, or “we got into a rut”, or “we were young when we married and then we both changed”, its fair to say that as far as the relationship went, many of us just got blithering bored, not necessarily with our spouses but with what we had morphed into over time.
    Many people, after years of marriage, have commented that they no longer felt as “alive” as they once had. They’ve become tired with who they are and long to regain some of their old-self they feel they’ve lost, that person that years earlier was so fascinating and attractive that their spouse pursued them, wanted them, desired them. That’s how they want and need to feel again. But alas, remember — desire requires novelty to flourish and grows stale with the familiar.
    So, what is one to do to solve this problem? Some experts think that we should re-calibrate our expectations regarding monogamy. According to them, we set ourselves up for disappointment by holding to an ever harder to maintain standard. A hundred years ago, we lived shorter lives, had more sober expectations, and had far less exposure to opportunity and temptations than we have today. Now, with social media, co-ed work places, the weakening of religious influences, technology, and women with economic power, the landscape has completely changed forever. Is this a bad thing or is it that we were under a false pretense of sexual exclusivity and monogamy all along? In other words, how much value do we place on monogamy in our relationships and why is it so vital to our peace of mind? Why, for instance, couldn’t we just remove the part of the marital contract that says “forsaking all others” and agree to the rest? Why not agree to make each other a priority but allow the other to find satisfaction from time to time either romantically or sexually with others? I mean, if you love one another — unconditionally, then why wouldn’t you be supportive of them in seeking out and finding happiness..even if that meant spending time with someone else who can fulfill some occasional need or another? Or is marital love really “Conditional” love — “I love you, but only if you do these things for me”? To that end, it perhaps would be better if we didn’t place so much emphasis on placing conditions on our marriages, or at least regarding sexual/emotional exclusivity. Imagine a life where you loved someone so unconditionally that you decided to build a family with them, were there primary love interest and they yours, but you were secure, mature, and open minded enough to understand that no one person could possibly satisfy all their life long needs and desires, and so you both were permitted to live a more honest existence — no more cheating, no more hiding in the shadows, no more broken vows, no more crashed expectations. Just two people supporting one another and living a life full of wonderous variety without all the baggage of conditions. Could I do it? I don’t know yet. I’m still mulling it over as I learn and absorb more knowledge about human relationships and what is our true nature. Ironically, I actually believe that my wife would be more opposed than I would to such counter-culture thinking. She seems to have embraced a new appreciation for our brand of intimacy and closeness post-affair, and I doubt, based on her own bad experience with seeking out a new paradigm, that she’s too motivated now to want to try something requiring her to embrace risk again — no matter how alive and fulfilled it potentially could make her feel. I however think that future generations at least will embrace new relationship models like this (and many others) in order to find one that fits their own particular unique needs and desires. Maybe for my generation we arrived at that conclusion far too late, and after learning more about our true nature the hard way.

  • lucy

    lucy

    November 9th, 2017 at 11:31 PM

    I had breast cancer in 1998 .my husband basically threw me away then .he stopped sleeping with me even after a week in the hospital and me almost dieing .never once did he check on me in the night . 17 years later he left me for an old girlfriend .I felt like for years I wasn’t wanted because I only had the one breast no longer whole in his eyes . After 30 + years of marriage I don’t know if I could let another man get close to me . Fear they too would make me feel like a monster with a deformed body.

  • bobakka

    bobakka

    November 10th, 2017 at 1:56 PM

    Shouldn’t your other breast not be removed too to prevent any chance of getting sick again? And then really, is there really no way of sorting out some sort of breast implant(s) for you?

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    November 11th, 2017 at 7:13 AM

    Lucy, I’m so sorry for your pain. What your husband did is unconscionable. I have a very close family member who had a breast removed 30 years ago and did not get reconstruction. She was divorced. Several years later she met a wonderful man and they have been married for over 25 years now. When a partner truly loves you, he will love you just as you are. Here is a great article about that. breastcancer.org/tips/intimacy/single
    There are many women in your situation. Some get reconstruction and some don’t. Here’s an article about just that. breastcancer.org/research-news/more-women-having-reconstruction-after-mx. I would also recommend connecting with a women’s cancer group in your area. There’s nothing better than talking with other women in the same situation.

  • Lee

    Lee

    December 9th, 2017 at 9:32 AM

    HI Everyone, I feel I need to give an update to my post back in August. I know when i was in a dark place, reading others experiences and suggestions helped me tremendously. I have amazing family/friends who helped support me while my husband of 26 years made a choice that broke my heart and trust. Once I got past the shock, I knew I had 3 choices – 1) hate men and become one of those bitter women out there. 2) get even and get out there and make bad choices of my own. 3) Get better and move on and become a better person that will make him regret even more. I chose # 3. I lost the weight, not all by choice obviously. Started to work out in my newly found spare time, gained my confidence back and was looking forward after getting up and wiping the dirt off my face. I was ready to move on. I knew of issues 2 months prior, so while this was a shock when he was caught, i had already started to turn myself around, catching him and booting him out pushed me harder to get better. Then KARMA came to visit. Turns out my husband’s fling was a nutbag who was controlling and had narcissistic qualities that made him realize holy crap, what did i get myself into. (insert my evil giggle in there). His own best friend told me how he kept saying…”this isn’t what i thought it would be” (guess the tv shows don’t reflect what affairs are really like). “My wife was better” (yes, i stepped up to the plate before he was caught, after I reflected on my own issues and made changes in my life). “the thought of my wife with another man will kill me and break my heart” (well, pal, you should of thought of that before you got caught and knew that i’d be moving on sooner or later). Needless to say, within 2 weeks of being out on his own, he asked and cried for my forgiveness and to come back. I had to think this one out as I do hear once a cheater, always a cheater, but i do work in a field that many cheat and that can be true at times, but is not always necessarily always the case. My husband never did before. Some may ask – “how do you know that” – Trust me – i would know. I had inside info that did indeed gave me an evil grin. Turns out his 1st time was a horrific experience as I stated above, she turned out to be a repeat mistress who broke up 3 marriages prior. Yes, 3 marriages and was set to break up mine. Turns out I worked with the wife of one marriage that was broken up by her and she was cheating on that husband with my husband. (small world ‘eh). I then knew her MO. While she was saying the right things to him, it was not out of the deep love of a true relationship but it was a trophy hunt. She got to him when he was vulnerable as our marriage had become complacent and we both went about our lives without giving each other the attention. Not blaming her 100%, as it takes two. I blame him as well. I had chose to give him 1 chance only. While I am known to be the person that would of walked away and never look back, one never really knows what they will do in that situation until your in it. I’m living proof of that statement. I did have to look carefully of our history, the chances of him doing it again, what prompted this, can i ever trust again. Trust me. If i was 25 or 35 or even 40, i’d be history and moving on. But after 26 years of marriage, I did decide to give him 1 more chance. Changes have been made in our marriage and its pretty good so far. Changes on both ends. He has started to cry more (why a few months later its affecting him, is beyond me) but he is noticing how close he was to losing me for good. He sees a confident woman in me now that i now consider myself a good woman/wife and would be to a man who will be loyal and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. My message to him is that if he isn’t up to par for me now, i will walk away. Yes, everyone, I turned the tables and am now in control of my life and confident i’ll be okay no matter what I decide to do. I didn’t cheat on him, I am not bitter. I am better and stronger. So, while i will NEVER trust 100% again, i will forgive. One time only (promise to myself). If i get burned again, it won’t be me who is sorry, because at least i gave it one shot and shame on him. So, my message for all of you who experienced the same pain as me. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should do. Think it out. Do whats good for you, but don’t get walked over. First become a stronger person who will make your own decision. If you chose to give it one more chance, so be it. But keep it at one more only. AS more than 1x, isn’t a dark time or mistake, its a choice knowing the consequences and they continued to do so. Walk away and never look back. But if changes needed to be made by both and you choose to try, then give it a real shot. You never know. I’m not going to lie if i wrote that i don’t get satisfaction having pieces of the puzzle added by those close to him about how he really didn’t enjoy the “extra activities” and how she became a psychotic stage 5 clinger making demands and showing up everywhere inserting herself into his life. He actually got to the point where he was scared of her. Yes, love…you had your first affair with a “Fatal attraction, Glenn Close wanna be”. Sucks doesn’t it ? I can only hope and pray that he learned his lesson. I will continue to be a good person and will keep my integrity and confidence and give it 100%, but step out on me again ??? Bye Bye. I will be okay and everyone of you who have experienced this pain and deceit, will be okay too. Regardless of what you choose to do, just take care of yourself 1st as if your falling apart, if you have kids they will suffer as well. Take care of yourself FIRST !!!
    Rest will fall in place in time.

  • Linda

    Linda

    January 31st, 2018 at 10:22 AM

    Me and my husband have been together 28 years married 23 3 weeks ago he said he can’t take it anymore and was leaving. He said he no longer loves me. I was ripped apart I love him and have never felt any different in all these years but home live has been a strain recently. He left the family home only to return 3 days later wanting to see if he could find what we had before. I took him back but then someone said something to me that made me check his Dropbox, on doing so I found photos of a women who works for him. I sent the picture to him with a message ” so nothing is going on them “. I had had the stuffing pulled out of me twice. He left work and came home straight away he was sorry about what had happened and said it was only text messages and photo exchange but that was it he had to go. He left with me saying he needs to sort out his head, give yourself a week. My world had tumbled to the ground. 4 days later he asked to see me, he wanted to come home to see if the bigger picture could get better and then see if he could find what he had for me. By bigger picture he meant home life , the shouting, problems with our 3 sons and my drinking. I took him back he’s still hear 2 weeks on sleeping on the sofa but I don’t know if I’m wasting my time. Yes I love him and don’t want to lose him but can I ever get him to love me again ?

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    May 17th, 2018 at 10:31 AM

    Linda, If you are still wanting to see if you can repair this relationship I would suggest the two of you go to a therapist. Building trust back is difficult but possible if both people are willing to do therapy and invest themselves in the marriage.

  • Lanna

    Lanna

    May 17th, 2018 at 3:43 AM

    We will be marred 26 years in July. My husband had several affairs 3 years after we were married and a webcam affair. Our marriage got better but has never been fabulous. I don’t think he ever healed from all the guilt and I’m not sure I truly forgave him and have resentment. Well, now he’s been texting with a girl he knew from work a year and a half ago and going through the motions again. We have intensive counseling scheduled, but I just don’t know if I can stay in this marriage. I do believe he loves me very much, but he’s just lost. hoping we can make it work, and going to try, but thinking the trust issue will never go away. Do you think trust can be regained?

  • Lori Hollander

    Lori Hollander

    May 17th, 2018 at 10:35 AM

    Lanna, Trust can be regained. But your husband and you have a lot of work to do. Building trust back takes time (months/years), lots of therapy, insight into understanding why your husband had affairs, why he continues to hurt you. If he is truly lost and wants to rebuild, he will go to therapy and do whatever it takes. Lori

  • Brian C K.

    Brian C K.

    June 10th, 2018 at 12:27 PM

    I have been married to a therapist for 11 years will a relationship ever work out will she ever take fault in things she does wrong or will she always need to be right and it’ll never work please help

  • Chris

    Chris

    July 16th, 2018 at 8:58 PM

    Does it ever get better? I love my wife. I truly do. And I know she loves me. After almost 10 years of marriage and three wonderful children, we are truly happy together. She is my best friend, and I’m hers. One night, after we were engaged, she divulged in a tearful confession how she cheated on me numerous times while we were dating. She said it wouldn’t be right to enter into a marriage without me knowing about this betrayal. She begged me and was terrified that I would break our engagement, but she felt she had to come clean and let me make the decision I needed to make. She offered to break off all contact with these other men, which she followed through on. She answered my questions when I asked them, though I had doubts about the truthfulness of some of the details, I had no way to prove my doubts and she couldn’t dis-prove them, but she was genuinely straightforward. She offered to go to therapy with me, which we did. The therapy was helpful and we followed the guidance of our counselor. Long story short, we both wanted to work through this incredibly painful chapter and were willing to do whatever it took to remain together and committed. We did. I chose to stay, we got married, started building a wonderful life together and were blessed with three incredible children. She is a wonderful wife and mother. We get along, we talk and are open with each other. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but no relationship is. We fit together well though. This is where my challenge comes in though. The only deep secret I keep from her is how painful it still is when I think back on her straying. I’ve tried (and still work at it) to move on over the years, I really have. But the thought that she could deceive, and hurt me so deeply…and willingly too…just plays back through my mind sometimes. It’s not always…sometimes I can go months without thinking about it at all. Other times, it’s harder to shake and the pain, fear and anxiety comes flooding back.
    Years ago, she did everything that I could ask for to try to set things right for us…excepting the only thing that’s impossible now: to not cheat on me at all. That’s a bell that she can’t un-ring, and one that I can’t ‘un-hear’. Sounds trite, but the fairy-tale of un-blemished courtship was ripped away from us…due to her willing actions.
    None of her cheating was my fault. I’m smart, attractive, fun, a good parent and…I hope…a good husband. It was some psychological issue that manifested in this damaging behavior. But I’m terrified the damage done to me, individually, can never be repaired. It’s been 10-years since she cheated on me. I would’ve expected to be over this long ago…but the pain still appears and the anxiety manifests itself in weird ways. For example, after all of this happened, I studied a bit about infidelity and the associated psychology and physiology traits found in cheaters. I read that women are more likely to flirt/cheat right around ovulation. Makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but I should not worry about my ovulating wife while she’s away for two weeks working at a camp. She’s kept her vows for 10-years, why should I doubt her now? Just because a guy said something on a blog about fertile woman being likely to flirt/participate in an affair? Pfft…that doesn’t seem right.
    It’s most definitely me at this point. It’s on me to let go of the hurt, I think. It’s overdue. How can I talk with my wife about this though? It’s not fair to me that she cheated, but after 10-years of her proving her fidelity to me, maybe it’s not fair of me to re-hash this whole thing. Is it right to talk about it with her? Should I seek counseling alone? I’m with her for the long-haul, but I’m just wondering if I’ll be carrying this pain for the long-haul too? There’s got to be a way to exorcise these demons. Not looking for the easy way out either…I’ll work at it. Just want these painful episodes to cease and desist.
    Thanks for your time.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 17th, 2018 at 8:14 AM

    Hi, Chris. Thank you for sharing your comment and for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Alternatively, you are welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

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