Communication problems are the number one reason couples split up, with 65% of couples citing this issue as the primary cause of divorce, according to a 2013 survey. But it’s not only romantic relationships that are affected by communication issues—they are often at the root of conflicts in our everyday lives.

Perhaps we fail to say what we mean, or we misinterpret the words of another. Whatever the blunder, we could all benefit from recognizing our communication mistakes and turning them into communication skills.

Here are 10 common communication problems and mistakes:

1. Not Truly Listening

When we are communicating with someone, we often are not committing our full attention. We might be looking at our phones, watching television, or even daydreaming about something else.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]When we don’t actively listen to the person we are speaking to, not only do we run the risk of making the person feel invalidated, but we also miss important nonverbal cues and may not fully understand the person’s message. To avoid communication mishaps, it is best to give the speaker 100% of our attention. Effective listening skills include making eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and remaining engaged.

2. Assuming You Know the Message Before the Person Finishes

We’ve all done it. We’re listening to a friend speak, and we already assume we know what is going to be said before they finish their sentence. When we assume we know what the person will say, we miss what is actually being said. Honor the speaker by remaining openly curious and listening intently for the message rather than predicting what will be said.

3. Interrupting the Speaker

We’ve probably all interrupted another person midsentence once or twice. It can happen accidentally, or we may get so excited about what we want to say and fear we will forget our response if we don’t just go ahead and say it. Others may interrupt during arguments as a power move.

Whatever the intention, interrupting can make a person feel invalidated, as if what they have to say is unimportant. Have respect for the other person, and allow them to finish the message entirely before you respond.

4. Using “You” Statements Instead of “I” Statements

When we are discussing our feelings with another person, we need to own those feelings rather than place the responsibility on the other person. It can be easy to say, “You did this” or “You didn’t do that.”

When we use “I” statements, we take ownership of how we feel and are less likely to make the other person feel attacked. Instead of saying, “You didn’t call me back…” try saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call.”

5. Letting Your Emotions Dictate Your Response

When we react emotionally, we are likely to say things we don’t mean. A good communicator allows emotions to sit for a while and then chooses to carefully respond rather than react.

6. Failing to Account for Cultural Differences in Communication

Cross-cultural communication can be difficult. Words can take on different meanings, and cultural norms surrounding nonverbal communication may vary. When communicating with people from other cultural backgrounds, it’s important to account for cultural differences in communication styles. If we don’t, we may accidentally offend or miscommunicate with someone.

7. Misinterpreting the Message

We may misinterpret others more often than we think. To avoid this, it is best to give the person our full attention and paraphrase the message back to the speaker to ensure we have understood correctly.

In today’s society, we are more susceptible to misinterpretation, as we rely heavily on technological communication. Without tone of voice and nonverbal cues, it can be easy to misunderstand each other. When using text or email communication, be sure to use appropriate punctuation and ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the other person.

8. Being Indirect

Being subtle and/or indirect in communication is usually ineffective. We can’t expect other people to read our minds. If you want someone to understand you, try being direct and try not to “beat around the bush” in conversation.

9. Attacking Character Rather than Behavior

When we are upset with someone, it is easy to say things such as, “You’re a jerk” or “You’re an idiot.” Rather than attack someone’s character, an effective communicator should address the actual behavioral issue and leave it at that.

10. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

When faced with the possibility of a difficult conversation, many people choose to avoid or prolong the conversation as long as possible. People usually perceive a conversation as difficult when they are faced with telling someone something that person doesn’t want to hear. It might be delivering bad news or bringing up a conflict of interest.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.Perhaps you dread telling your children about your cancer diagnosis or don’t want to hurt your partner by revealing an affair. Whatever the topic, avoiding difficult conversations only makes matters worse long term. Tension can build and you may end up bringing the issue up at the wrong time, which could create additional conflict. Withholding information can create distance between you and the other person. You also run the risk that the person will receive the information from a third party first.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.

Relationship, couple, and marriage and family therapists can help individuals, couples, and families learn how to improve communication skills by addressing their issues and offering solutions for more effective communication. If you are experiencing communication problems in your relationships or just need some relationship advice, consider seeing a therapist.

References:

1. Family Therapy: Tips to Improve Communication. Behavioral Health Evolution: Innovative resources for treating substance abuse, mental health, and co-occurring disorders. Retrieved from: http://www.bhevolution.org/public/effective_communication.page
2. General Information about Communication Problems. (2008). International Training Program on Intractable Conflict. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. Retrieved from: http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/problem/commprob.htm
3. Poor Communication is the #1 Reason Couples Split Up: Survey. (2013, November 20). Huffington Post: Divorce. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/divorce-causes-_n_4304466.html

Many Spanish-speaking Latinos are surprised to find a non-Latino therapist who is fluent in Spanish. In my own practice, I have often been asked questions such as “What country are you from?” or “Where did you learn Spanish?” Self-disclosure regarding my experiences traveling and living in Latin America often creates a bond between myself and the Latinos with whom I work, especially those who have recently immigrated. Many express joy at encountering a therapist with first-hand experience of the customs and cultures of their native countries. As a culturally competent therapist, I place value on recognizing the role of distinct cultural norms while working with Latinos and creating a genuine therapeutic alliance based on mutual interpersonal respect and trust. Colloquially, this emphasis on relationships is also known as personalismo.

I have worked and studied in several Latin American countries, and in each case the importance of personalismo was made clear to me by the families with whom I lived. When interviewing family members of those who disappeared during Augusto Pinochet’s dictatorship of Chile, I quickly realized that before I could have even a perfunctory discussion about the lasting impact of the regime, I had to gain my host family’s trust through a period of formal friendliness. From my first day, I engaged in small talk with my host family and was asked a variety of questions regarding my life in the United States: Who did I live with? What did I study? What did I do for fun? I also showed appreciation to my host family in Chile by giving them a small gift of T-shirts from the United States. As a therapist, I follow a similar approach while working with Latinos.

How to Use Personalismo in Therapy

[fat_widget_right]Accepting small gifts may seem to fall outside the purview of expected ethical behavior for therapists, who are often discouraged from accepting gifts or disclosing personal information on the grounds that it violates professional boundaries. A therapeutic relationship is professional, not personal, and any action that is perceived to take attention away from the needs of the person receiving the service is usually frowned upon. Therefore, breaching these norms while working with Latinos should always be done with the person in therapy’s best interest in mind.

While working with Latinos in my practice, I have found that accepting small gifts and advice as a form of appreciation for my services helps build reciprocity into the therapeutic relationship. It is not uncommon for me to receive, from a Latino person under my care, a small gift of herbal tea or a recommendation of a place to buy the best ingredients for a specific dish. Some recent research also encourages this practice as a form of exhibiting multicultural competency (Machucha, 2014). When a therapist discloses appreciation for a small gift or accepts advice about the best remedy for the common cold, the therapist may be contributing to the therapeutic alliance with a person who is Latino.

When honoring the cultural value of personalismo, physical touch may be appropriate in certain cases. For example, some people may respond positively to a hand shake, and—when clinically appropriate—even a hug (Clance, 1998). Of course, it is always important to ask before engaging in any form of physical touch. As a therapist, I have often found it useful to welcome a person during the first session with a handshake, to hug an individual who is crying, or even to offer a brief pat on the back. As part of my understanding of personalismo, such gestures may be expected by some of the Latino individuals I work with.

Regarding personalismo, the use of self-disclosure may also vary depending on the age of the person in therapy. I have found that a high school student may respond well to a therapist who can identify with the challenges of balancing greater high school freedom with more traditional values at home. Similarly, a senior citizen may respond well to a therapist who emphasizes the importance of taking care of one’s elders. Some Latinos I have worked with comment that they are also sometimes expected to show respect and reverence for parents or grandparents by taking care of an elderly grandparent at home.

How Not To Use Personalismo in Therapy

An ethical therapist is expected to give undivided attention to the person in treatment. Dual relationships, in which the therapist and person in therapy enter into a relationship outside of therapy, not only have the potential to blur professional boundaries but may also become exploitative. Those who seek therapy services must be certain that their emotional and personal needs are the exclusive interest of the therapist. The outside expectations inherent in a friendship or business relationship may violate the nature of the therapeutic relationship. Examples of behaviors Self-disclosure, if not done in the interest of the person in therapy, also exemplifies how the value of personalismo can be misunderstood and inappropriately implemented. Disclosure that promotes the therapist’s own agenda or status is never useful, and it can be especially damaging when it appears disrespectful of a person’s cultural norms and values.associated with dual relationships might include:

• A therapist asking a person in therapy to meet for coffee
• A therapist asking a person in therapy to do work for the therapist
• A therapist accepting an invitation to attend the birthday or holiday party of a person in therapy

Even if the person in therapy is the one who offers a gift or service, many would argue that to accept would be starting down a slippery slope of encouraging a nonprofessional relationship (Zur, 2011). A therapist must always be mindful of the power dynamics in the therapeutic relationship, even while stepping away from the traditional therapeutic role when practicing personalismo. The power dynamics in the therapeutic relationship may cause some to question the appropriateness of touch, gift giving, and advice. Therapists are viewed as authority figures within some Latino cultures (Perez-Stable, 2001). As such, a therapist carries power to influence the person in therapy to meet the therapist’s needs for personal validation or affection, even when these practices seem clinically appropriate and are requested by the person in therapy. Also, the therapist should be aware that the person in therapy may be attempting to win the trust and favor of the therapist through gifts and advice.

Self-disclosure, if not done in the interest of the person in therapy, also exemplifies how the value of personalismo can be misunderstood and inappropriately implemented. Disclosure that promotes the therapist’s own agenda or status is never useful, and it can be especially damaging when it appears disrespectful of a person’s cultural norms and values. Some examples include the therapist speaking to an adolescent or the adolescent’s parents about the personal freedoms the therapist enjoyed while growing up, quickly providing a diagnosis that may seem stigmatizing, or mentioning personal opinions on sensitive subjects such as politics and religion.

Awareness of the value of personalsimo may help preserve and sometimes bolster the therapeutic alliance, but it is important to keep in mind that each person also brings a unique set of needs to therapy. Therapists working with Latinos from a variety of cultural backgrounds should be prepared to have their own conceptions about self-disclosure challenged.

I remember my own experiences working with a young mother and her daughter who had been living in a homeless shelter. They gave me a small short-sleeved shirt at the conclusion of our therapeutic relationship. I was honored to receive the gift, and when asked how it fit me, I told them that the shirt was perfect and that I would be wearing it on the first day of my new job. My awareness of personalismo guided my response in this situation, even if it was outside of traditional expectations and boundaries in the therapeutic relationship. There may be no one way to interpret or implement personalismo, but awareness of its value in everyday psychotherapy with people who are Latino is a wonderful first step.

References:

1. Avieria, A. (2015). Culturally sensitive and creative therapy with latino clients. American Psychological Association , 1-2.
2. Carteret, M. (2011). Cultural values of latino patients and families. Dimensions of Culture: Cross-Cultural Communication for Healthcare Professionals. Retrieved from http://www.dimensionsofculture.com/2011/03/cultural-values-of-latino-patients-and-families/
3. Clance, P. A. (1998 ). Therapists’ recall of their decision making process regarding the use of touch in ongoing psychotherapy. Touch in Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 92-105). New York, NY: Guillford Press.
4. Machucha, R. (2014). Boundary issues in counseling latino clients. Boundary Issues in Counseling: Multiple Roles and Responsibilities (pp. 100-103). Alexandria, VA : Wiley.
5. Perez-Stable, E. M.-S. (2001). Physical health status of latinos. The Latino Psychiatric Patient: Assessment and Treatment (pp. 29-31). Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.
6. Zur, O. (2011). Gifts in psychotherapy. Zur Institute: Innovative Resoures & Online Continuing Education. Retrieved from http://www.zurinstitute.co/giftsintherapy.html                                                                                

Love doesn’t check birth certificates, but relationships with a significant age gap can come with unique joys and challenges. Whether your partner is a decade or two older—or younger—understanding these dynamics can help you build a healthy, lasting connection.

A middle-aged man dating a much younger woman has long been a familiar image in American culture, sometimes linked to a midlife crisis or seen as a status symbol. However, age gap relationships aren’t limited to this stereotype. Older women sometimes date younger men, and the archetype of the “cougar” is now part of popular culture. Same-sex couples may also have significant age differences.

Recent research shows that nearly four in ten (39%) Americans have dated someone with an age difference of 10 years or more, indicating these relationships are more common than many people realize. Globally, research from 2024 found that men are on average 2.2 years older than their female partners in North America, with this gap varying significantly across different cultures and countries.

While age alone doesn’t determine whether a relationship is real or meaningful, it can create unique considerations. Navigating the social and emotional aspects of your relationship while addressing generational differences can be challenging—but it can also broaden your perspectives and deepen your appreciation for each other’s life experiences.

Understanding Your Experience

If you’re in an age gap relationship, you may be navigating feelings of uncertainty, excitement, or social judgment. You might notice that friends or family have opinions—sometimes supportive, sometimes not. These emotions and reactions are common. Recognizing your feelings and those of your partner can help you approach the relationship with empathy, clarity, and confidence.

According to Melissa Klass, LMFT, much of the stress in age-gap relationships comes not from the couple themselves but from the reactions around them. “In therapy, I often see couples who feel confident about their connection but begin to question it when friends or family repeatedly raise concerns,” Klass explains. “Part of the work becomes helping partners stay grounded in their own values rather than internalizing outside judgments.”

1. Know When the Age Gap May Be Too Large

Love can be unpredictable, and feelings don’t always follow logic. But a significant age gap can sometimes create legal, social, or practical issues—especially if one partner is under the age of 18. Thirty U.S. states have age gap laws, often called “Romeo and Juliet laws,” which make sexual activity legal if the ages of both participants are close to one another. Even though state laws regarding the general age of consent and age gap laws differ, it is common for people in the United States to assume that sexual activity with someone under 18 is statutory rape. In these cases, the relationship may carry legal consequences, no matter how genuine the emotions.

Even if the relationship is legally sound, consider how the age gap might affect its long-term future. If you want children, think about whether fertility is a concern. For women, fertility begins to decline after age 30 and drops significantly after 35, with pregnancy rates declining notably for those in the 35-39 age group compared to younger women. A father’s age also affects conception chances—partners of men older than 40 take longer to conceive, and it takes around two years on average if the male partner is older than 40, even longer if he’s older than 45.

Lifestyle differences can also be significant. If one partner is just beginning a career while the other is considering retirement, planning for the future together can be more complex.

2. Understand Your Reasons for Dating Across Generations

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older, reflect on your motivations. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating outside your age group, but patterns can offer insight into your relationship style.

Some people seek the stability or experience of an older partner, while others are drawn to the energy and openness of someone younger. Recent 2025 research found that men dating younger women experienced higher relationship satisfaction than men dating older women, while women showed satisfaction with both older and younger partners. Psychological research indicates that older partners are often drawn to younger partners for feeling valued and appreciated for their experience, gaining renewed energy and fresh perspectives, and benefiting from established confidence and authenticity.

If you notice a consistent pattern in your dating history, it can be worth exploring why. Self-awareness can help ensure you’re building connections for the reasons that truly matter to you.

If you’d like to explore these questions with a professional, you can find a therapist in your area who specializes in relationship dynamics.

Once you’ve reflected on your motivations, the next step is preparing for how your backgrounds may influence your perspectives.

3. Be Ready to Navigate Generational Differences

Even in strong relationships, differences in life stage and cultural touchpoints can surface. You and your partner might have grown up with different music, technology, or social norms. Political views, values, and historical events can shape each person’s perspective.

Generational differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings, with older generations favoring face-to-face conversations while younger generations might opt for text messaging and social media interactions. Partners may have divergent tastes in music, technology habits, or social values—for example, a younger partner raised in the digital age might prioritize online connectivity, while an older partner may value face-to-face interaction.

Rather than avoiding these differences, use them as opportunities to learn. Ask about your partner’s experiences and share your own. For more insight, see our guide to family and generational differences.

4. Prepare for Criticism and Outside Opinions

Family, friends, and even strangers may have opinions about your relationship. Some may focus on your partner’s age rather than your shared values and connection. Research shows that age-gap couples (defined as partners separated by more than 10 years) perceive substantially more social disapproval regarding their relationship than couples with minimal or no age gaps. In fact, studies have found that age-discrepant couples report experiencing significantly more social disapproval than individuals in gay or interracial relationships.

Recent surveys show that concerns over what others think decrease with age—nearly a quarter (23%) of Americans ages 18-34 are afraid of what people might think of them if they engaged in age-gap dating, versus 12% of those ages 35-54 and 7% of those ages 55+.

While close loved ones might deserve an explanation, it’s okay to set boundaries with those who offer unsolicited judgments.

“Age-gap couples often feel pressure to defend their relationship in ways other couples do not,” says Melissa Klass, LMFT. “Learning when to explain your choices and when to simply set boundaries can make a significant difference in protecting the relationship.”

Plan a calm, respectful response that reaffirms your commitment without inviting ongoing debate. This can help prevent repeated, draining conversations about the age gap rather than your relationship itself.

5. Avoid Letting Age Define Your Relationship

Age is one factor among many in a relationship. If you focus on it too much—either to justify the relationship or to explain disagreements—it can become a wedge between you. While acknowledging real challenges is important, avoid attributing every difference to age.

Many successful relationships with age differences are built on shared values, interests, and life goals rather than similar birth years. Instead, focus on shared values, mutual respect, and the unique qualities you appreciate in each other. Healthy communication and problem-solving skills matter far more than the number of years between you.

When to Seek Professional Support

Age differences can present challenges, but they can also enrich your relationship with new perspectives and experiences. By approaching the relationship with openness, curiosity, and respect, you can create a strong connection that transcends the numbers.

If age-related differences start to feel overwhelming—whether due to family disapproval, conflicting life goals, or concerns about the future—a therapist can help. Working with a mental health professional can provide a safe space to navigate these issues and strengthen your partnership.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has helped people connect with ethical, qualified therapists. If you and your partner want extra support navigating these dynamics, connecting with a qualified therapist who understands the nuances of age gap relationships can make a meaningful difference. Find a therapist near you through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

References:

1. Ausubel, J., Kramer, S., Shi, A. F., & Hackett, C. (2022). Measuring age differences among different-sex couples: Across religions and 130 countries, men are older than their female partners. Pew Research Center.
2. Banbury, S., Pacan, B., Kostadinova, D., Hada, J., Morriss-Roberts, C., Quarcoo, S., & Chandler, C. (2025). The relationship between age-gap relationships/dating, sexual function, relationship satisfaction, sexual self-efficacy and well-being. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1–16.
3. Gottfried, J., Ševčíková, A., Blinka, L., & Lambert South, A. (2024). Couples age discrepancies in a large-scale European sample: Evolutionary and sociocultural perspectives. Personal Relationships, 31(4), 987–1000.
4. Ipsos. (2024). Half of Americans say they have been in a 10+ year age-gap relationship. Retrieved from https://www.ipsos.com/en-us/half-americans-say-they-have-been-10-year-age-gap-relationship
5. Julian, C. A. (2025). Age composition of same-sex & different-sex couples, 2023. Family Profiles, FP-25-16. Bowling Green, OH: National Center for Family & Marriage Research.
6. Lehmiller, J. J., & Agnew, C. R. (2008). Commitment in age-gap heterosexual romantic relationships: A test of evolutionary and socio-cultural predictions. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 32(1), 74–82.
7. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. (2026). Fertility problems: assessment and treatment (NICE guideline NG257). https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng257 [nice.org.uk]
8. Higdon, Michael J. “Queer Teens and Legislative Bullies: The Cruel and Invidious Discrimination Behind Heterosexist Statutory Rape Laws” (Archive). UC Davis Law Review, University of California, Davis. Vol. 42, p. 195–253. 2008. Retrieved on September 13, 2015.
9. Scolpino, D., & Steele, H. (2024). Age-Gap Relationship Stigma. Media Education, 21(1), 112-125.
10. Your Fertility. (2024). How age matters for your fertility. Australian Government Department of Health. Retrieved from https://www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line?

If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair.

Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”.

Emotional infidelity is a real concern for many people. In a Chapman University study earlier this year, researchers found 65% of heterosexual women and 46% of heterosexual men were likely to be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs typically start out as friendships, making it difficult to discern when you actually cross the line. If you have developed a close relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re worried it might negatively impact your existing relationship, take an honest look at your feelings, intentions, and actions. Are you having an affair? Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

If you are still unsure whether or not you have moved from a friendship to something more, here are 14 telltale signs of an emotional affair:[fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker—so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner—you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for one particular person, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special.

4. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

5. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

6. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you are going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, it may prove you are making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you are dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives, as they may not be as innocent as you think.

7. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation.

8. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might be a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

9. You really understand each other.

You feel like the other person “gets” you. You have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar. You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection. If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

10. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

11. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then you may be feeling a romantic attraction to that person.

12. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person is around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

13. You start having fantasies or dreams.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or start having romantic dreams about them, this may be a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

14. You would be upset if the situation were reversed.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you would be upset about it, then that may be an indication that your behavior is inappropriate and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it can be easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you are concerned you might be having an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist who can help you both process and share your feelings and perspective.

Reference:

1. Ledbetter, S. (2015, January 5). Chapman University publishes research on jealousy – Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. Retrieved from https://blogs.chapman.edu/press-room/2015/01/05/chapman-university-publishes-research-on-jealousy-impact-of-sexual-vs-emotional-infidelity

Becoming an adult is rife with both uncertainty and adventure. The concept of being an adult is always in flux, and these days it’s hard to tell when adulthood is upon you. Culture, religion, socioeconomic status, and family situations may all impact and blur the lines between childhood and adulthood. No one sends you a complimentary toaster to let you know you have “joined the club,” and for many people, there is no one experience that affirms the acquisition of adult status.

In truth, adulthood is a process, not just a state you wake up in one day. For those of you who are just leaving behind adolescence, you probably bring a host of assumptions to this process that may or may not ease the transition into this new phase of life.

1. If I don’t feel like an adult, I must not be one.

Employment, paying the bills, driving, having a child—while all of these responsibilities are significant milestones, you might still have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not quite there. In reality, adulthood isn’t just about a set of responsibilities or accomplishments. Rather, it is more of a conscious effort to be aware of your strengths and challenges and a dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. It is accepting that you will falter, but that you owe it to yourself to keep going.

2. I can’t have a life if I become an adult.

[fat_widget_right] Perhaps you fear that if you get a “real job” or “settle down” you will have to give up your passions or having fun. These days, you can design your own idea of what it means to be an adult. You can identify the values and priorities you want to commit to and create a life based on those. They might be informed by past experience and important people in your life, or you might have a belief system that offers you guiding principles. Either way, take stock of what is important to you and build your version of adulthood around that.

3. I have to be in a relationship to be happy.

Sharing your life with someone can offer an additional layer of security and support that may improve your sense of well-being. But relationships—just like any important decision—should be entered into wisely. Gauge your emotional readiness to be a partner. If you are not ready to commit wholeheartedly, this does not make you less of an adult; in fact, it takes great maturity to be honest with yourself about your ability or willingness to balance relationship needs with your own. You also need to be aware of your intentions when you begin a relationship. Ask yourself if you are looking for your partner to make you happy, diminish your loneliness, or bolster your ego. None of these will lead to healthy, adult relationships. On the other hand, if you understand that you are solely responsible for developing into a whole independent human being, you might be ready to share your life with another.

4. I’ll know I’m an adult when I have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. Don’t wait for a magical day in the future when it will all make sense. Open yourself up to the rich and fulfilling experience of learning along the way.

5. I need to have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. You might worry that you must have a concrete plan in order to be a successful adult. You feel that lacking direction means you are failing at the adult game. Setting goals for yourself can be a valuable tool for making decisions and giving you a sense of security; however, life will offer detours in the form of unexpected opportunities and unfortunate obstacles. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty and how to adapt to changing situations is a big part of being an adult. And if you’re worried that you’re stuck in whatever plan you’ve made because nothing is going your way, remember that you can change your mind. You’re the architect of your path, so you can change it.

Adulthood involves growth, acceptance, and openness, and its meaning will transform as you develop new skills, form new relationships, and indulge in new experiences. Enjoy the impermanence and be present in every vital moment!

It never fails: When August rolls around, parents begin calling the office. They are calling about their child, who made so much progress toward the end of the previous spring that we reduced or eliminated sessions. But as soon as the back-to-school supplies show up in stores, sleep patterns are disrupted, instances of acting out increase, and general chaos begins.

The children I see in my office often don’t realize why they are feeling so dysregulated. They blame situations with friends, their siblings, and their parents to externalize the cause for their behavior. Sometimes parents don’t even recognize the cause of increased anxiety. As I start asking questions to try to dig toward the cause of the change, I’ll hear tell-tale signals that school anxiety is building beneath the surface. “She’s crossing off the days on the calendar until school begins,” or “He asked if he could send an email to last year’s teacher.”

[fat_widget_right]Other children are very aware that their anxiety is related to school, and they process it outwardly. Every day, they express concerns about not knowing their new teacher, dread the amount of homework they are going to have, or worry that they might miss the bus on the first day of school. The caretakers of these children may quickly become overwhelmed because usually they can give no answer other than, “We’ll find out when school begins.”

What can parents do to help their anxious children transition to the new school year? How can children who don’t recognize how much a new beginning worries them begin to accept and embrace the new adventures that each school year brings?

1. A change in behavior prior to or following a major transition could be related to anxiety.

When a child begins to fight more frequently with a sibling or talk back to parents, take a step back and ask what may be going on in that child’s life. Beginning a new school year is a major unknown for a child, even if the child has attended that school previously. Getting used to new teachers, new classmates, and new routines can be daunting, even for a child who doesn’t experience anxiety. Imagine starting a new job. Your worries about a new boss, different coworkers, and changing responsibilities are likely to be very similar to your child’s concerns about the coming school year.

2. Recognize psychosomatic symptoms as possible signs of anxiety.

If your child begins complaining about stomachaches, headaches, or any other maladies, realize that this may be a signal they are experiencing anxiety. If a child is anxious, they may truly have a headache, but consider finding ways to relieve the anxiety instead of only treating the headache medically, as this is likely to have more long-term benefit. Mindful breathing or guided visualization can be great tools to help alleviate this type of stress.

3. Confront the conversation directly.

Parents often want to keep the peace in the days leading up to the first day of a new school year. However, prepping your child for the upcoming change and talking about the transition can be beneficial. Ask what types of school supplies your child wants, have the child visualize an ideal classroom, and encourage the child to discuss ways to react in case things don’t go exactly as planned. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child of their ability to handle the situation.

4. Try not to allow avoidance.

Ask what types of school supplies she or she wants, what a perfect classroom would be like, and what their plan is if things don’t go exactly as they would like. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child that they can handle the situation.The primary thing anxiety drives a person to do is avoid the anxiety-provoking situation. When your child says, “I don’t want to go shopping for school supplies,” break it into smaller segments, such as only going to pick out a backpack. Leave the rest for another day. By encouraging your child to push through anxiety, you help build the belief they can succeed during this transition.

5. Ask the school for help.

Talk to the teacher. Talk to the counselor. Give them a heads-up about what your child is experiencing. They may have a plan in place or ideas to try to help acclimate your child to the new school year before it begins. If your school hosts a “meet the teacher” or “back-to-school night,” you may choose to request a separate time that your child can drop off supplies and meet the new instructor.

6. Use guided visualization.

Take the time to write out a script with your child about how the first day will go, from the time the child wakes up to the return home. Focus only on the positive aspects of the day. At bedtime each night, either read the script to your child or have the child read the script, imagining every portion of the day in detail. When your child arrives at the situations in the script that tend to trigger anxiety, encourage mindful breathing for self-regulation and help the child visualize how to handle those obstacles while at school.

Generally, students settle into a routine within the first few weeks of school, and their anxiety subsides. However, if you notice that your child is still experiencing trouble after the first part of the school year, reach out to your school or to a professional counselor who can help you and your child learn more in-depth coping skills to handle these intense experiences.

Stress is an ongoing problem for many people in our fast-paced society. We have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses, and instead spend our days rushing to and from work, school, the store, or going to any number of other activities. We tend to be plugged into our iPhones, iPads, and computers for the majority of the day and struggle with unwinding and slowing down for a sufficient period of time to feel refreshed and relaxed.

One of the locations where we may experience significant stress is the workplace, where we are often expected to keep up with high demands, frequent interruptions, and multitasking. Over time, this level of pressure can take its toll on both our physical and psychological health and well-being.

As a therapist, one of the questions I am asked most frequently is how to deal more effectively with stress on the job. Some people may have a self-care routine at home, but they often have more difficulties with maintaining one at work. The following are strategies that can be used to help in reducing stress levels on the job:

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1. Avoid eating lunch at your desk. Whenever possible, try to leave your work environment in order to take a break for lunch. Going for a brief walk and getting a little sunshine and fresh air can do wonders for refreshing your spirit in the middle of the workday. If this is not possible, at least try to eat lunch somewhere other than at your desk in order to avoid continuing to work at the same time.
2. Take a five-minute relaxation break once or twice a day. If you are feeling particularly stressed over a specific situation at work, take a break and listen to a short meditation or relaxation app that can be downloaded onto your phone. This can help you to gain a different perspective or to at least come back and approach your workload from a fresher frame of mind.
3. Get organized. Prioritize your workload to get things done in order of their importance. Becoming more efficient with your time will help to reduce your stress levels, as you may feel that you are accomplishing more. If you tend to struggle in this area, you might want to consider enrolling in a time management class, where you can learn more effective ways of organizing your tasks.
4. Get up and stretch. If you spend a lot of time working on the computer, try to get up once in a while to stretch your muscles. This can also be helpful in alleviating the eyestrain associated with looking at the screen for long periods at a time.
5. Discuss problems regarding your workload with your boss. Many people tell me that they feel overworked, but they frequently don’t express their concerns with their supervisor, which tends to make them feel worse. By talking to your boss about any issues that are coming up, you may be able to get some help resolving them. If this does not solve the problem, then you can reevaluate the situation and possibly consider looking for another job.
6. Take a few deep breaths. If you have had a stressful interaction with a client, colleague, or supervisor, try breathing deeply for a few minutes and focusing in on any tension you are feeling in your body. By taking a few moments to breathe, you can take your concentration off the stressful situation and center yourself prior to moving on to your next task.
7. Look at problems as challenges rather than obstacles. We can sometimes find creative solutions when we approach issues with an open mind and positive attitude rather than just considering the negative side. Also, think of what you might be able to learn from the situation instead of focusing on what you can’t do.

Although you can help to relieve tension on the job by following some of the techniques above, developing a good self-care regimen before and after work is an important part of reducing your overall stress levels. Start your day by meditating when you wake up to begin on a peaceful note, and try to incorporate some exercise into your routine at least several times a week. Also, make sure you are getting enough sleep in order to feel refreshed before facing your day.

Stress can have devastating effects on our health if we don’t take some time out to care for ourselves on a daily basis. Dedicating a little time every day to nourish our bodies, minds, and spirits can be an effective way to reduce our stress levels and improve our well-being.

Knowledge is a powerful resource for navigating life. We have endless internal dialogues that assist with interpretation of information and decision-making. Knowing why we think the way we think is the gold standard for healthy functioning. It affords us an opportunity to appreciate where we are in life and to choose where to go from there, a starting point for change.

Unhealthy thinking is, in large part, a function of negative belief systems, often installed by others and reinforced by our childhood experiences. Many people exhibit profound self-doubt, blame themselves, apologize profusely, and excuse their parents’ abusive behavior. This constellation of negative beliefs and behaviors presents in conjunction with stories of verbal and physical abuse that begins in childhood and follows people into adulthood. The longer we think a particular way, the harder it is to change our thoughts and beliefs.

I am a psychotherapist in private practice. Here is a hypothesis for consideration: Parents raise their children in their own image to fit into the world the way they see it. I ask people who come to me for therapy to stop and think about the developmental and environmental realties of their childhoods. I remind them that kids are captive learners who have no choice, no voice, and no mobility.

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There is a big difference between grieving that you didn’t get what you needed as a child and spending your life blaming parents for your life as an adult. A middle-aged man told me he had stomped out of a doctor’s office because his physician asked him how he felt about being hit by his father. He tearfully pointed his finger and said, “My dad was a good man, a hard worker, and I probably deserved what I got.” It was a clear message to me that the subject was off limits. It was a defensive response.

Interestingly, the man’s presenting issue was that he was “at his wit’s end” trying to cope with a 30-year-old son’s excessive pot smoking and slovenly behavior. The daily arguments were driving him and his wife crazy, but neither had successfully implemented and enforced boundaries in their own home.

Why did a middle-aged man protectively defend his deceased father when, as an adult, he never tolerated being hit by others? He relied on a system of justifying his dad’s abuse while blaming himself because it once worked. He learned to be a peacekeeper at a young age. It reduced the likelihood that his dad would get angry and violent. However, this role did not allow the man to honor his true feelings about being hit, berated, and shamed.

He was profoundly uncomfortable, consumed with constant doubt about his worth and ability. He’d worked for five companies but had been let go because he was “a loyal employee but an ineffective leader.” His home life was less than satisfying. The worse things got, the more he loved and the harder he tried to make peace. He parented his son from this place of low self-esteem. He was incapable of setting reasonable limits, highly deferential to the needs and wants of his wife and children. His coping system ceased to work, but he didn’t know how to change it.

We owe it to ourselves to identify why we do what we do. Then, we may decide whether we still want or need to stay with the program. Defensive responses are protective and serve a purpose. A great example of this is the use of avoidance. Most people who avoid refer to themselves as “lazy” or say “I’m a procrastinator.” Two significant things are successfully happening. One, they internalize the blame. It may not be pleasant to criticize oneself for being lazy, but it reduces the likelihood of argument. This is terrific for people who hate conflict. Two, it bypasses being angry with others and helps us feel in control.

Early coping strategies for dealing with life, especially for navigating interactions with others, are rooted in familiarity. People rely on and repeat these even when the results are painful and no longer work.

Anger gets a bad rap in our culture, which suggests that to be angry is to be out of control. It is an appropriate affect in certain situations. There are normal ranges for angry expression, as there are for all emotions. Anger is frequently role-modeled in extremes—demonstrations of screaming, verbal put-downs, and physical violence.

Early coping strategies for dealing with life, especially for navigating interactions with others, are rooted in familiarity. People rely on and repeat these even when the results are painful and no longer work. The human drive for consistency pulls dominance over curiosity for exploring new ways of coping. These methods worked well at some point in life, especially during childhood, when they were appropriate for emotional and physical survival.

Compartmentalization and detachment are subconscious coping mechanisms. The same man adamantly defends his father’s dictatorial parenting style but parents his children with a “marshmallow” approach—no rules or consequences. One part of him agrees with and condones his dad’s treatment of him. Another part parents in a diametrically opposed manner. It’s fascinating to observe these disconnects in action. People complain about feeling stuck. Change is challenging and often feared. Familiarity and years of reinforcement make moving from negative to positive thinking difficult. I guide people on a journey of awareness and choice. We nonjudgmentally search relevant files of experience to identify significant influences and resulting patterns of thinking. The pace of raising awareness is based on each person’s comfort level and learning style.

Awareness is a starting place. The brain does not have a delete button for experiential files, but it is possible to update and integrate files. The password for reprogramming? Choice.

Allison, 14, comes home from school and busts through the door. She slams her backpack against the wall in the family room and throws herself onto the sofa, only to ignore your demands to get her shoes off the furniture and put her backpack on the hook where she knows it is supposed to go.

Is this a familiar scene in your household?

As parents, our reactions to Allison’s behavior will mostly reflect an immediate request for correction. In response to Allison, many of us would be quick to say, “Get your shoes off the couch and go pick up that backpack!” With this reaction, however, we are ignoring the symptoms behind the disrespectful behavior.

But what if, instead of making demands for better behavior or offering reminders of family rules, you simply take a step back and notice the behavior? Moreover, what if you look for the emotions behind the behavior and place your request for compliance on the back burner for a bit? How might the interaction occur differently? These are some of the principles of a type of listening identified in the work of Carl Rogers, a 1950s psychologist known for his emphasis on helping people become self-aware through reflective listening.

[fat_widget_right]The acronym DEAR is a helpful way to remember the important components of reflectively listening to your child. If you follow this path, you may find that you are connecting with your child in a more meaningful way. DEAR works like this:

Detect

The first step in reflective listening is to become a detective of sorts. First, you must tamp down your own reactive, subjective emotions in order to focus on your child. This is hard to do because our role in parenting naturally consists of advising and telling our children based on our own judgments. Instead, try to observe your child’s demeanor, behaviors, tone, and words. In our example with Allison, we see anger and frustration, as well as defiance of the rules. If we practice our detection skills even more, we will likely discover some hurt underlying those emotions.

Empathize

By listening to your child reflectively, you are helping him or her define emotions and minimize acting out. This teaches your child that he or she can choose to control and manage emotions. Try to empathize with your child’s feelings without making it about you. What is their perspective? Though your child may have broken a house rule or even hurt your feelings by lashing out at you, try to be nonjudgmental for a moment. Connect with your child’s feelings. We can easily empathize with anger and frustration because we have all been in situations where we have those feelings. You might say, “Wow, Allison. You seem really angry,” or, “I can see your frustration.” These statements are more disarming in nature and send a signal to your child that you see him or her, not just the behavior.

Ask

Ask questions out of compassion. Keep the conversation focused more on your child’s emotions and story before moving forward to address the undesirable behavior or a solution. Paraphrase what you hear. Your questions shouldn’t be “why” they behaved in such a manner; your questions should come from a place of wanting more information. Again, using our example of Allison, ask her “Can I help?” or “Can you tell me what happened?” These types of questions may deactivate the power of her emotions and keep her from acting out further. It will also assure her that you want to listen.

Reflect

Reflecting on or summarizing what you hear from your child can help dampen the powerful emotions your child is feeling. When you restate or paraphrase what has been said, your child has an opportunity to step back and reevaluate their statements and feelings. With this practice, you are teaching your child how to regulate emotions through conversation and process feelings rather than behave as a result of the emotions.

Allison, for example, may share that she was being teased on the way home from school about her new hairstyle. She may tell you that even some of her friends joined in. In response to her story, reflection might sound like this: “What I am hearing is that you are hurt because you were made fun of.” Similarly, summarizing sounds like: “What a terrible end to your school day. It sounds like you’ve been hurt by people you thought were your friends.”

By listening to your child reflectively, you are helping them define emotions and minimize acting out. This teaches your child they can choose to control and manage emotions. At this point, you can move back into the role of advising and telling. You might end the fictional example with Allison by saying something along the lines of, “OK, well, why don’t you go put that backpack on its hook and let’s go find a movie for tonight?”

Some points to remember when using DEAR:

• Take a step back from your own emotions before reacting.
• Look underneath the behavior.
• Don’t use “why” when asking questions.
• Paraphrase and summarize what you hear.

If you are involved in a relationship with a person who has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you’re likely familiar with this scenario: You have a discussion with your partner. It turns oddly off course. You’re left confused. And then—slam!—you’re hit with something hurtful that takes the wind out of your sails.

This is different from other conversations that go off the rails. In this case, you have to struggle with the realization that your partner did not mean to hurt you. There was no intent to abuse, but you are reeling just the same.

So what do you do with the pain?

Do you deny it because you understand it was not inflicted intentionally? Or do you ignore it, hoping it will go away?

These are two time-honored methods used by many of the individuals who come to my office for counseling regarding this aspect of their relationships. The problem is that they backfire; by using them, you generally end up feeling more hurt. Then the ground is fertile for resentment and contempt, and—as relationship researcher John Gottman has repeatedly pointed out—once these emotions enter a relationship through what he calls the “Four Horsemen” patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), it is very difficult to retrieve mutual respect and rebuild.

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Besides, you already know these methods don’t work.

How do I know that you know? Because you likely don’t feel any relief.

Recent research has enhanced our understanding of communication between autistic and neurotypical partners. Studies supporting the “double empathy” framework show that communication challenges often arise from differences in social communication styles between autistic and neurotypical individuals, rather than deficits in either person. while autistic individuals face challenges in relationships including communication barriers, they also possess strengths such as pattern recognition and truthful communication.

If you are seeing a counselor, be certain that he or she understands the unique dynamics of being in a relationship in which one partner is on the autism spectrum. From an educational perspective, there are enormous implications that might make the difference between being helpful to a neurotypical partner in an autistic-neurotypical partnership and being not so helpful.

What may look like self-centeredness or even narcissism in your story is more likely to be your legitimate expression of not feeling heard by your autistic partner. , your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

While it may not be the result of conscious disregard, your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

] Contemporary research shows that autistic individuals report high levels of interest in pursuing and maintaining romantic relationships, and autistic people are involved in satisfying long-term relationships when understanding and accommodation are present.

If your partner is in counseling, or if you are in couples counseling together, it is equally important that your therapist have a specialized understanding of this unique relationship. Autism exists on a spectrum with great clinical heterogeneity, ranging from individuals who require significant support to those who can function independently with typical or above-average intellectual abilities. However, understanding the impact of the neurological differences and the arc of possibility upon which they can play out in an intimate relationship is essential for fair couples work, and certainly for providing substantive assistance to the person with the diagnosis.

A neurodiversity-affirming approach views autism as neurological differences to be understood and accommodated rather than deficits to be fixed. Recent developments in autism support emphasize helping neurotypical people learn autistic communication preferences rather than requiring autistic individuals to mask their natural communication styles.

If you suspect that your partner is on the spectrum but has no diagnosis, please bear in mind that a professional assessment is essential; there is no online quiz or self-help book that will help you to make that diagnosis on your own.

Still, you know your situation best. If your partner is hurting you emotionally and you can’t seem to get him or her to understand you when you talk about your pain, as a starting point, consider couples work with a counselor who understands autism spectrum disorder. The couples work will be helpful regardless of whether autism is a factor, and as is frequently the case with couples with whom I work, an assessment becomes part of our work together. Everyone wins. The person either has or does not have the diagnosis. It is a triaging tool in that it allows a couple to move forward knowing what they are dealing with in their interpersonal communication.

Research suggests that when both partners develop understanding of differing communication styles and consciously use strategies to bridge communication gaps, deeper connection and relationship satisfaction can result.

Please don’t try to swallow your pain. At the very least, recognize that if you feel hurt, it is because you ARE in pain, regardless of intent or circumstances. Your pain is real—and it deserves your attention.

Be kind to yourself.

*If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for free and confidential emotional support.*

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References:

1. Neu, B., et al. (2025). Autism in romantic relationships: A content analysis of challenges and strengths (2013–2024). Journal of Family Theory & Review. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.70001
2. Bottema-Beutel, K., et al. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder in 2023: A challenge still open. PMC. PMC10724724
3. Stokes, M. A., et al. (2023). Factors of relationship satisfaction for autistic and non-autistic partners in long-term relationships. Autism, 27(8), 2348-2360. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231160244
4. Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. DOI: 10.1089/aut.2024.0124
5. Jones, D. R., Botha, M., Ackerman, R. A., King, K., & Sasson, N. J. (2024). Non-autistic observers both detect and demonstrate the double empathy problem when evaluating interactions between autistic and non-autistic adults. Autism, 28(8), 2053-2065. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231219743
6. Crompton, C. J., et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704-1712. DOI: 10.1177/1362361320919286
7. Haroon, R., & Dogar, F. (2025). NeuroBridge: AI tool to help neurotypical people learn how to better communicate with autistic people. Tufts Now. Retrieved from https://now.tufts.edu/2025/12/05/helping-neurotypicals-understand-autistic-communication
8. Wise, S. J. (2024). We’re all neurodiverse: How to build a neurodiversity-affirming future and challenge neuronormativity. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
9. Gottman, J. (2024). The four horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
10. Lerner, M. D., Gurba, A. N., & Gassner, D. L. (2023). A framework for neurodiversity-affirming interventions for autistic individuals. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 91(8), 503-515. DOI: 10.1037/ccp0000839

Does the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit sexual activity? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive?

If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Sexual aversion is your body’s heightened response to sexual anxiety. First, it’s helpful understand why you might be experiencing it. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it.

Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From?

Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, anxiety, or pain.

[fat_widget_right]However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past (especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate), they find small messages of guilt, shame, or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of body shame or shame about sexual arousal.

How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions

Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include:

• You feel out of control.
  Control is an essential component of aversion. Remember, aversion is an extreme form of anxiety. It is your body’s way of saying, “I do not want that. I do not like that. Stay away.” It protects your body from harm. When you feel that someone wants sex, expects sex, or even has the “right” to sex because you are married, you are feeling out of control.

• You do not feel relaxed in sexual encounters.
  Your body is almost in a state of “beyond anxiety” where you don’t necessarily feel nervous, but you feel repelled. Pay attention to your body. Do you feel nauseous or have stomach issues when you think about sex? Do you feel fluttery or nervous? Do you feel nothing at all and just sort of frozen?

• You do not feel aroused, yet you engage in sex anyway.
  Engaging in sexual activity when you are not aroused is harmful for your emotional well-being. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. You might do this because you feel guilty that you are never in the mood to be with your partner. However, it could be causing long-term damage.

5 Steps to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

It’s important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. You are not alone. To work on your sexual anxiety, follow these steps:

1. Assert your control over the situation by setting boundaries and ground rules.
2. Agree to limited sexual contact. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact (hugging, holding hands, etc.) that you feel comfortable with. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Take it week by week or month by month—whatever you’re comfortable with.
3. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques prior to and during a sexual encounter.
4. Stop engaging in intercourse until the aversion has subsided.
5. Consider finding a sex therapist, as this does not typically go away by continuing to engage in sex.

Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs.

Transgender individuals and issues impacting them continue to gain mainstream attention. An increasing number of reality and scripted television shows include transgender individuals, and some prominent figures, such as Caitlyn Jenner, have come out.

Advocacy efforts for transgender individuals have also gained greater attention. In the United Kingdom, major psychological and medical associations noted the negative psychological consequences of conversion (reparative) therapy—psychotherapy aimed at changing an individual’s gender identity or sexual orientation—by signing a Memorandum of Understanding against conversion therapy. In the United States, President Obama became the first president to publically speak on transgender issues and also called for an end of conversion therapy practices with transgender youth.

The American Psychological Association (APA), the largest association of psychologists in the U.S., recently increased its transgender educative and advocacy efforts. On August 5, 2015, the APA adopted the Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Transgender and Gender Nonconforming People (hereafter Guidelines). The Guidelines are directly applicable to psychologists and other mental health professionals, transgender people, and the general population.

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Psychologists and Mental Health Professionals

Mental health professionals often lack adequate training in trans-affirmative service delivery. The Guidelines provide practice guidelines aimed at increasing mental health professionals’ ability to work effectively with transgender individuals. The Guidelines provide a clear rationale and applicability for affirmative services. Through adherence of principles in the Guidelines (and additional training and consultation), more psychologists are available to provide mental health services to transgender individuals.

As reported by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, 41% of transgender individuals report making at least one suicide attempt (suicide attempt rate for the general population is 1.6%). The 2015 report from the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs describes 2014 as a “deadly year for LGBTQ” communities, given the high homicide rate of transgender individuals. An increase in the number of psychologists providing affirmative therapy and transgender awareness education to the general public may be effective at decreasing the suicide rate among the transgender population and reducing instances of hate crimes and violence directed toward transgender individuals, thus saving many lives.

Transgender Individuals

The Guidelines may help transgender individuals seeking therapy become educated consumers. One of the most important contributors to a successful therapy experience is the relationship between the person in therapy and the therapist. A therapist who is informed on issues impacting transgender individuals and is skilled in providing appropriate interventions is likely to be a better fit than a therapist without these qualities.

A therapist who is informed on issues impacting transgender individuals and is skilled in providing appropriate interventions is likely to be a better fit than a therapist without these qualities.

The Guidelines highlight issues that competent therapists should consider, which can help transgender individuals develop interview questions for therapists. For example, as per the Guidelines, psychologists should view gender as a nonbinary construct (in other words, acknowledge that male and female are not the only genders), be able to distinguish the difference between gender and sexual orientation, recognize that stigma can negatively impact mental health, and understand that support can positively impact mental wellness. Affirmative therapy is most likely to come from a therapist who adopts these guidelines and who can speak to the relevance of the Guidelines.

General Public and Transgender Allies

The Guidelines are written to be readable and understood by a wide population. As much as possible, they are free from jargon and provide examples of more complicated concepts. As there is a rationale for each guideline, access to the Guidelines may be able to provide the general public with a strong understanding of both historical and current issues that impact the transgender community.

Additionally, although trans-related language is ever-evolving, the Guidelines provide a glossary of current definitions. Transgender allies can use the Guidelines to advance their advocacy efforts. Counseling centers that aspire to increase their support of the transgender population may wish to use information from the Guidelines to further research initiatives and develop educational workshops and trainings.

The U.S. mental health field may still have room for development in terms of education and advocacy for trans issues, as major psychological and medical professions in the U.S. have yet to come together to create their own version of the U.K.’s Memorandum of Understanding. However, the Guidelines provide an accompaniment to other trans-related mental health guidelines and competencies, furthering the existing information available on trans-affirmative psychotherapy services.