GoodTherapy | Balancing Codependent Tendencies: Improving Relationships through Self-CareAre you a person who takes care of everyone else before yourself? Do you believe you should put yourself last? If you routinely take care of others’ needs before your own, then you may have codependent tendencies. In a relationship, codependent behaviors can potentially sabotage your relationship success. If you neglect your personal needs and wishes and care for others instead, then you may begin to feel resentful and empty. Taking care of yourself enables you to then be available to take care of others.

Codependent Behaviors

Let’s explore some codependent behaviors. Ask yourself the following questions:

If you tell yourself that your circumstance will improve later, get depressed or sick without understanding the reason why, over-eat, feel overextended, or if you stay busy to keep from addressing the issues you need to address, you may be in a state of denial.

[fat_widget_right]

Do you find it difficult to feel joy, to have fun, or to do something at the spur of the moment? Do you find it hard to enjoy sex? Do you have sex when you really don’t want to have sex? Do you make up reasons to avoid having sex? Do you have sex when you really just want to be held and loved? Do you look for happiness in others and not within yourself? Do you choose partners who are not available (physically or emotionally) to love you? Do you stay in a relationship long after it is clear it is not working? Do you think you are not loveable? Is your communication poor? Do you blame, threaten, or beg for your needs to be met? Do you ask for your needs and wants indirectly, thinking people will just know what your needs are because they love you enough? Do you think what you have to say is unimportant? Do you avoid talking about yourself, thoughts, or dreams? Do you ignore your thoughts without voicing them? Do you fail to voice your opinions for fear of being rejected or put down?

From an early age, women are usually taught about the importance of nurturing and taking care of others. Mothers generally focus on meeting the needs of the children, husband, and household before addressing their own needs. Simultaneously, society and the media send women the message that they must be perfect. They are given the message they need to be thin, beautiful, young, perfectly dressed, and in all ways flawless. Men are taught to be outwardly strong. They are taught it is acceptable to be angry, but not sad, vulnerable, or outwardly emotional. These incorrect, constant messages will destroy us if we allow them to.

Do you often feel overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious? Are there times where you feel like an empty shell wanting to isolate yourself from the world? Do you also find it difficult to connect with others? If so, it may indicate that certain needs aren’t being addressed. Addressing neglected aspects of your inner and outer world is related to self-care.

What is “Self-Care?”

Self-care can have a different meaning for each of us. Essentially, self-care is associated with taking care of your needs, asserting yourself to increase the possibility of those needs being met, and monitoring your time and energy given to others. To feel balanced in today’s world, we must address both our inner and outer needs. Taking care of yourself will allow you to be there for your relationship. It will allow you to feel the Goddess or God you truly are inside. Your partner will respond to you in a more positive manner, and emotional intimacy will be more easily deepened when your needs are satisfied.

As parents, we get caught up in the family fast track. We are consumed by school, homework, little league, karate, dance class, and on and on. There is little time left to focus on self-care. Parents get caught in this cycle, leaving little to no energy left to meet their own physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual needs. There is no time left for themselves, much less their intimate relationships.

When we neglect self-care by focusing on trying to meet the needs of others before taking care of ourselves, we can lose our identity and power. We also harvest a great amount of resentment and self-hatred when we neglect ourselves. Ultimately, it is when we connect and address our needs that we can find balance and happiness. When this happens, we can give to others from a full heart. In other words, we can enhance our relationships by taking care of ourselves.

The list of things you can do to develop a self-care practice is endless! Learning to respond to your needs with acceptance, compassion, and a willingness to make healthy changes can begin to bring balance into your life and allow you to connect with joy. Self-care does not mean spending money. A spa day or week is great, but self-care can mean much more than having services performed.

Make a list of your needs: spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and relationship intimacy needs. Under each heading, record activities that will support self-care in that area. Keep space for additions as you think of them.

Here are some suggestions:

Accept the fact that the road of life will have bumps. Instead of resisting or personalizing these bumps, accept that there are things you cannot change. Realize that the only thing you truly have control over is yourself. Be present in what is happening in your life. Reflect on whether you’re responding to your emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical needs. Are you taking good care of both outer and inner needs? Are you listening to your inner voice when it tells you to slow down, set boundaries, take care of your body, rest, or exercise?

Take care of yourself. Have fun. Life is short, so enjoy every moment. May your day be interspersed with joy.

JawaharalNehru Cards resizedOne of the cornerstones of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the concept of workability. The aim of ACT is for our clients to create a rich, meaningful, and vibrant life. Workability is how we determine whether a client’s behaviors are serving that end. Usually, people know when their behaviors are not working for them, but because they are often fused with their thoughts, they may have a hard time acting any other way. Instead of bringing them closer to the life they want, their behaviors are more or less a means of struggling with or avoiding painful thoughts and feelings. To demonstrate how this might appear in a therapy session I’d like to present the case of Samantha (Of course names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality):

Samantha is in her late twenties, single, no children, has her own apartment in a suburban neighborhood, a cat, a steady job for the last year and a half, an unused gym membership, and hasn’t been on a date in four years. She complains about her female co-workers being “fake” and “slutty” yet she secretly wants to be like them and to be liked by them. Any time an opportunity arises where she is invited to attend a happy hour with work people, she has an excuse not to attend. She then goes home and cries before opening a pint of ice cream and watching pre-recorded episodes of “fill-in-the-blank-reality-television.” (more…)

A woman writes in her journal outside at sunseyManifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives.

As a long-time yogi, I have been setting an intention before my daily practice for more than 10 years. Perhaps it was this habit that prompted me to write my first manifesto in 2004. Gathering healing thoughts and wishes into one short document was enlightening, centering, and deeply positive. Since others have found this process helpful, I wanted to share the method and some suggestions for possible inclusion in your own manifesto.

Guidelines for Writing Your Manifesto

Let it flow. In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you start to write anything is let it flow. As you allow thoughts, feelings, and ideas to take shape on the page, give yourself the gift of writing without interruption. That means both carving out a little time for yourself and not stopping to edit your words. You can revise and rewrite later on.

Brainstorm. Write the word “manifesto” in the middle of a blank page and let your mind wander. When an idea pops into your head write it in a circle around that central word. Then, focus on each word and write what comes to mind in a line branching out from it.  That may be enough for one day. If you feel like continuing, focus on any word or concept that speaks to you, and think of your wish for your own growth, development, or peace as it relates to that idea.

[fat_widget_right]Daydream. Recent studies show that encouraging your mind to wander in what appears to be an aimless manner actually generates creative solutions to problems and is just as valid as any other kind of “work.” If you regularly keep a journal, or a dream journal, you may find rereading entries gives you plenty of fodder for your manifesto.

Let go. If you have a health issue, you might explore ways to be more comfortable with your body. Think of phrases that help you let go of preconceived notions about your health, and accept things as they are because you can be sure they will change. In situations you can’t control, it is often best to find power in letting go, and allowing what is to be exactly as it is.

Build resilience. During a particularly difficult transitioning period, you may want to focus your intentions on building resilience. Certain life events—such as becoming a parent, taking a job, or moving—naturally inspire new thoughts and wishes. Let your mind wander, and imagine ways you would like to be in this stage of your life. If you are working with a therapist, there may be recurring themes you want to address.

Whether you try some of these suggestions, read the examples below, or just start writing, it is best to remember your manifesto is an ever-changing, fluid document meant to support you on your journey to your truest self. It is not a rigid set of rules or “shoulds” to encourage negative self-talk or critical self-evaluations. Let your imagination run wild. Think of how you would like to live your life, and write what comes from that deep, all-knowing place.

Here are some ideas to stoke your creative process:

Woman in dimly lit roomI recently ordered Deepak and Gotham Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes on my iPad. I haven’t been this excited to read something since I read Carl Jung’s book The Archetypes many years ago.

Both books address the archetype of  “shadow.” Both Chopra and Jung describe shadow as a force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive, and self-sabotaging when it remains unconscious. Shadow is that part of the human condition, that most mortals attempt to ignore or deny in favor of a self-perception inflated or deflated by ego, neither of which can be sustained without some form of self-destruction. We see this in the lives of adult politicians, entertainers, and sports heroes who have been in the media lately for crimes of passion, adultery, and exploitation. The denial and repression of shadow has allowed ego to “act out” in blatant ways. Because shadow was repressed they thought they would never get caught or that they were somehow above the laws that govern the rest of us. Denial of shadow sets humans up to be destroyed.

In Chopra’s book, “shadow” is explored through the journey of the superhero. The superhero wrestles with the forces of good and evil. In doing so, the superhero recognizes that he or she has a shadow that possesses some of the very qualities that their enemies possess. The superhero embraces their shadow by getting in touch with it, bringing it to consciousness, developing compassion for themselves and thereby others, all in the mission of transforming dark, evil energies into creative, light energies of consciousness.

Jung explored the context of “shadow” through mythology and dreams. Mythological and dream characters, like superheroes are removed from mortal boundaries and expectations. They exist in landscapes where anything is possible. Joseph Campbell identified distinct steps of the Hero’s Journey that can provide a metaphor for our own life’s struggles. Metaphor can penetrate resistance and help us to gain insight into our experiences because the hero’s journey is one we can relate to and learn from.

Like many of us, the superhero often comes from a life of adversity. Chopra wrote that shadow can be found thriving in “abject conditions such as poverty, poor leadership, an ‘us versus them’ mentality, repression, deprivation, social injustice, torture, self-righteous morality, suppression of desire, fear, and conflict.” He goes on to explain, that the “shadow energy within us is destructive, divisive, and self-sabotaging.”

Chopra identified shadow as the “diabolical part of our soul.” How can we recognize our shadow? Shadow usually lurks behind our criticism of others. It is that nasty voice that identifies and picks at other people’s flaws. The funny thing is that the flaws that we see in others are often the same flaws that we ourselves possess. It is much harder to recognize this in ourselves but often easily recognizable in the folly of others. For example, have you ever heard someone who is very annoying because they never give anyone else a chance to talk, complain and go on and on about someone they encountered who does the very same thing? That is shadow, the super-villain, making an appearance.

Chopra says that we can see our shadow when we are in the light of consciousness. But first we have to recognize our shadow behavior before we can bring it into the light of consciousness. Once it is conscious we have power to choose to “act out”–meaning to continue destructive behavior that cuts off a vital source of creative energy–or to consciously stop “acting out” and transform the energy for a healthy, well-balanced existence. If we choose to do nothing, shadow will pounce when we least expect it and throw our lives into chaos and suffering.

A woman faces the ocean with her arms in the air, in a joyful posture.So often, people talk about the struggles they experience, and how they’ve grown from the pain in their lives. It’s true, but the sentiment is often that it takes pain to grow. What’s not often discussed is how human beings grow from joy, from being in connection; that is, how we heal and grow stronger from the joyous moments in our lives.

These moments might be in the form of comfort: the savoring of a warm cup of hot chocolate on a cool night, or the texture of flannel sheets, sharing a smile with a stranger on the street. Or, it might be in the form of connection: laughing with friends, holding hands with someone you care about, or the feeling of a hug from someone you love. Think now. Feel it. Let the experience of love linger in your mind and heart. How does it feel to be loved? This is how we grow from joy, how healing happens.

Recently, I attended two separate seminars, each on the same subject led by different speakers. The first spoke of trauma and how we are all broken because any disconnection causes brain trauma. She said that our minds can mend, but even with years of “attaching,” as she termed it, we still sift through our hearts and find the broken edges, the places where connections have gone wrong. I looked around the room; people were having difficulty keeping their eyes open. Exhaustion often occurs when we feel overwhelmed. No one made eye contact. Many people looked blank. This is an understandable reaction when we’re told that we are infinitely broken.

The second seminar was led by a researcher and doctor. He talked of the joy of holding his children when they were babies, watching them grow; he spoke of his passion for mental health and educational reform, a society focused on wellness and connection. He smiled as he counted the blessings he’d experienced, he laughed with us, easily making jokes about himself and his own foibles; he told stories of how he’d learned to parent—not being perfect, but always striving to understand, to grow. He thanked all the past researchers who’d led him to create a path of clarity in the field of mental health. He thanked us, all therapists in the room, for creating the experiences he wrote about. He talked about how we all build on each other’s ideas, how we’re all more connected than not, and how everyone matters. He held the potential and the beauty of human nature in his words, and I felt that. I looked around the room. Everyone was beaming.

[fat_widget_right]

When I think of the second seminar, other happy moments come to mind and I feel a flood of warm, happy feelings. Even now, as I type this, I’m smiling, my face is relaxed, no hint of tension in my jaw or shoulders. I’m breathing easily, feeling the warmth in my body of this memory. I remember it as though I’m living it now. Notice what you’re feeling as you read this. How is your breathing? Is it easy and relaxed? How is it different from how you felt when you were reading about the first seminar? Moment-to-moment awareness of positive feelings allows the positive experience to bloom, to be savored.

We all share emotions through our mirror neurons, though we might not realize it, and our minds create imprints of these interactions (Damasio). Our inner relationships (memories of relationships) are as vivid as our present interactions, and we connect one memory to others of their kind. In a sense, thoughts of a feather, flock together. So, when we hurt over something, it reminds us of other times we’ve felt pain, (and the brain actually lights up for emotional pain on MRI’s in the area where physical pain is expressed), and when we feel joy, it reminds us of other happy moments, and it strengthens us. It makes it possible for us to imagine other moments of joy, connection, comfort, and clarity.

This is why it’s so important to seek out empowering relationships, such as therapy, where we feel valued and heard. Our relationships—held in mind or in person—inform how we see ourselves, others, and the world. When you feel good in one moment, you’re more likely to seek out other connections similar to the one you’re experiencing in your mind.

Recent neuroscience research supports this. It shows that our brains actually create new neural pathways in response to our experiences. Experiences change the way our neurons fire and rewire in our minds. If these experiences are positive, new neural pathways form that increase our sense of health (viewed as integration), happiness, and connectedness to ourselves and others.

In other words, the more we have positive experiences in our lives, the more the neurons responding to these experiences, wire together. The more they wire together, the easier it is to experience more pleasure because those synaptic connections in the brain are strengthened. It’s circular. Depression works in an opposite way; we focus more on the negative because we feel bad. The keys to feeling better are self-compassion and a pairing together of sad feelings with exercises like the one below (which create new neural wiring patterns). Mindful attention to our emotions—both hard and pleasurable—enables us to move past difficult experiences, and to be open to positive ones. This could be called healing from pain by growing from joy! A true course of resiliency.

In fact, sharing difficult experiences with caring people actually changes the way we perceive those negative experiences; memories become less negative over time because they are paired with neural connections that are infused with being heard and cared about in a responsive connection. Over time, “pruning” of neural connections that are infused with negative experiences wither away. New neural connections are created that diffuse our perceptions of negative experiences. Pretty cool, huh?

This is why it’s so important to feel a sense of connection with the people around you, and why therapy that focuses on mindful awareness, with a person you feel connected to, creates transformation. It literally changes the way we relate to ourselves and those we love (Lewis).

Good therapy, like any positive relationship, creates increased clarity, self-awareness, self-esteem, a desire to create more relationships like the good ones you have, and an increased sense of zest for life. This is based on Relational-Cultural Theory’s perspective of the “Five Good Things” in what Relational-Cultural Theory calls, a growth-fostering relationship (Walker and Rosen). We all need growth-fostering relationships in order to feel emotionally and physically alive and healthy. Babies can die if they aren’t touched. One of the greatest forms of suffering is isolation. Every moment in positive connection is a healing moment. The scholars who created Relational-Cultural Theory knew that, and neuroscience supports this view. Without others, we wither. With others, we are more fully ourselves: vibrant, connected, loved, and joyful.

Suggested exercise: Think of a time when you felt fully connected to another being. It could be to a friend, an acquaintance, a partner, a parent, a teacher, an animal—someone who reminded you of your inherent worth. Feel the connection. If possible, pick someone who is still in your life in a positive way. The following exercise is meant for you to go at your own pace, and the questions are merely guides.

Bring to mind all the qualities of an interaction or experience you had with someone you love:
What was the day like?
Was it sunny, warm, or cool?
Could you feel the air touching your hair or skin?
Can you feel it now?
Where were you?
How did your body feel?
What do you notice right now as you’re sensing this moment?

Sense your connection with the other person.
Bring to mind the feeling of touch (in body or heart).
Notice how you feel, in your body, as you connect your interior experience to the feeling of being with this loved one.
Notice your breathing; is it slow and deep?
How was this other person responding? Feel the sense of that!

Now notice your body.
Has the temperature in your body changed?
Did your body soften?

How does this experience change your mood, your thoughts?
Does focusing on your breath or body-sensations enhance your awareness of the experience?

You can invoke the pleasure of this experience any time you want, simply by visualizing connection. Our minds don’t know the difference between what is visualized and what is actually being experienced (Damasio). When you imagine the joy of connection, your body physically changes. Your feelings about yourself change because the neurotransmitter, oxytocin is being released from the hypothalamus, which reduces anxiety and increases love, relaxation, and connection.

Every time you visualize connection, you strengthen your brain. Neurons in your brain are firing and rewiring, becoming stronger through one simple exercise. The more you do this, the more you strengthen the positive side of who you are. You can use this exercise any time you have a hard moment.

References:

  1. Damasio, Antonio. (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotions in the Making of Consciousness.
  2. Lewis, Thomas, MD, Fari Amani, MD, Lannon, Richard, MD. (2001). A General Theory of Love.
  3. Siegel, Daniel. (2010). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation.
  4. Walker, Maureen, Rosen, Wendy B. (2004). How Connections Heal: Stories from Relational-Cultural Theory

cruelty woman shouting megaphoneWhy do people we care for sometimes engage in cruel behavior? What can we do about it?

Alfred Adler believed the ultimate goal for all human beings is to belong and feel connected to others. Unfortunately, when a person doesn’t find connection with others through kindness and good deeds, they become discouraged and feel inferior to others.

Adler said no one can tolerate these inferiority feelings, and so they over compensate by striving for superiority. One way to strive for superiority is to become a bully. Bullies who band together with other bullies in order to strengthen their sense of belonging are called gangs, terrorists, mafias, and racists.

Understanding Cruelty

Learning theory explains cruel behavior as being modeled. If a child is treated with emotional or physical abuse, the child learns to act that way: “monkey see, monkey do.” So a person, the child who has experienced being treated cruelly, learns to be cruel.

Still another reason for cruel behavior may be mental illness. There are some mental illnesses that manifest themselves with angry outbursts, violence, a lack of empathy, or difficulty understanding the impact of one’s behavior on others. There are also medical conditions, like brain injuries or Tourette’s syndrome, which can feature aggressive outbursts as a symptom.

There are a number of other theories that can explain cruelty, including genetic inheritance. Darwin thought behavior is related to survival, so violence could be seen as adaptive to our very survival—or violence may in the end be the reason humans ultimately fail to survive.

Responding to Cruelty

We can’t change another person’s actions, but we can change our own reactions. Here are some typical reactions to cruelty:

• Retaliation
• Anger and outrage
• Defensiveness
• Fear
• Avoidance
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Self-blame
• “Walking on eggshells”
• Lowered self-esteem
• Attempts to please

These are natural responses, but they never work to stop cruelty. In fact, any of the above reactions can make cruelty intensify. So what can we do to stop cruelty?

We can do as Rudolf Dreikurs said and “separate the deed from the doer.” A person who engages in cruelty engages in unacceptable behavior, but that does not mean the person is unacceptable. That does not mean we chastise, admonish, and punish the person. If we believe in Adler’s theory that all people have a thirst to belong, we can make an effort to accept the person while not accepting cruel behavior. We learn to be more inclusive and forgiving .

We have to feel good about ourselves when we hear cruel things. If we like ourselves enough, there’s no need to get defensive when nasty things are said. We can react as if it’s untrue nonsense that doesn’t deserve an ounce of our negative energy. If someone tells me my hair is pink, which it is not, I don’t have to argue. I may make a joke of it or say, “Thank you, pink is my favorite color!”

We have to take a stand against cruelty. No one deserves to be treated cruelly. It takes two people to fight and only one to stop it. Be the person to stop the nastiness. Refuse to fight. Say “I’m not going to fight with you,” and physically remove yourself.

We must tell ourselves over and over and over again, “I deserve to be treated kindly.”

Does knowing the source of the cruelty help stop the nastiness? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if we want cruel people to stop their behavior, we have to look within and change our own reactions to this heartlessness.

Play is serious business!

–Caitlin ‘Cake’ Gateaux

I was asked by the US Play Coalition research committee to collect personal statements about ideas and beliefs that are connected to the question, what is play?

How we define play and its value is shaped by many personal, historical, and cultural influences. Darell Hammond, in his recently published book, KaBOOM! How One Man Built a Movement to Save Play, writes about the reality of a play deficit in our communities. He calls on those of us who recognize the value of play (and there aren’t enough of us out there, he says) to take action steps that will lead to a greater recognition of play’s value while brightening each child’s life and create playful communities for all ages no matter where we live. (more…)

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.

A dog patiently holds a leash in his mouth, waiting to be walked.This month our Paramita, or practice on the path towards happiness, is patience. The practice of patience involves a shift in our perspective. Buddhist teacher Sylvia Boorstein says patience “…remains present as long as the mind remembers that things end…when their conditioning causes end…” Conditioning causes are the elements that are coming together in this particular place and time that are causing us stress. In other words, have patience, this too shall pass.

Stress could, in fact, be celebrated as the only opportunity we have to practice patience. Of course, our habitual tendency is to react against stress rather than greet it with enthusiasm, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to do so. Try it sometime.

We sometimes object to the idea of patience, as if it will make us passive patsies and “someone will get away with something” (oh, no!). Holding this attitude, we ignore the depth of harm we do in our impatience, and also misinterpret the actual practice of patience. Patience isn’t standing by while harm is done to us or to someone else. It is not about letting someone take advantage of us or abuse us. Patience is the capacity to calm the mind under stress so we can see our way clearly. In an abusive situation, for example, patience can lead us to make a plan for our safety, and come up with an exit strategy that will actually accomplish our freedom. Impatience can lead to running out of the house without clothes or money or any support at all, and where does that end up? Not in a good place, usually.

What Does Patience Have to Do with Happiness?

Patience is the antidote to anger. If we are irritated or angry or even feel violent impulses, we can actually learn to wait until the feelings pass, which they will. Anger can be difficult to work with, because it so strongly compels us to action. We often feel we will have no relief until we let it all out. In truth, we always do harm when we act out of anger, whether towards another being, a circumstance, or ourselves.

Patience comes from having confidence, born of awareness, practice, and experience that the storm will pass, and that if we ride it out, all will be well again. I recently heard a woman on the radio describing her radical approach to conflict in intimate relationships; instead of “Never go to bed angry” she suggested just going to bed, and seeing if you are still angry in the morning. Given the impermanent nature of all emotions, this approach makes sense. If there is something you can do about it, no need to get upset. If there is nothing you can do about it, there is no need to get upset.

[fat_widget_left] The therapist who changed my life in my mid-twenties used to tell me, “The reward of patience is patience.” I didn’t find that appealing in the least, and I told her so. I may have said, “So what?” or “What’s that got to do with me?” I was impatient and had no interest in slowing down. I could not conceive of any possible benefit to patience. If it was its own reward, that meant nothing to me. Twenty-five years later, I think I may have finally caught on a bit.

When I put some effort into practicing patience in one area, such as in traffic or with a person I might find irritating, then patience is more likely to arise spontaneously, without effort, when I need it most. I was on an airplane recently that had been delayed by weather. We were two hours late taking off, and most of us were going to miss our connections. The man sitting next to me was extremely fretful and frustrated and tense, and I found that I was actually quite relaxed. We chatted a bit, and I tried to cheer him up, but I could see how deeply attached he was to feeling upset. He told me he traveled a lot for business and it was just getting worse and worse. I agreed that air travel has grown pretty unpleasant for most of us, but I noted to myself that, above all, we have the experience we create for ourselves. That day I realized that my efforts to develop patience had paid off—I felt patient without even trying!

What does patience feel like? For me it is relaxing, energizing, with a clear tone, like a bell, and a view that goes on as far as the sky. Patience is the willingness to stop stirring the water of the pond we are trying to look into. Patience sets down the stick and waits for the natural clarity of the settled water to arise. (Of course, as a teacher of mine noted recently, then we can see all the junked tires, tin cans, and skeletons down there on the bottom!)

Patience is trusting our natural minds to know what to do when we stop disrupting and distorting what is actually happening in the here and now, and practice mindfulness.

Now, I eventually ended that plane trip in a miserable heap, having missed too many planes to reach my destination and having a respiratory illness that forced me to make a last-minute decision to just go home. So, patience is not the answer to everything, nor is it guaranteed to stick around all the time. What stands out in my mind is the contrast between myself and that fellow steeped in anxiety on the airplane, and the knowledge that it is possible to feel calm even when our impulses drive us strongly toward distress. The reward of patience is, in fact, patience!

Five Steps to Cultivate Patience:

What other ways can you find to practice patience?

Bored womanLois has five minutes left to her fifth session and is now having a flash of insight. “I’m bored to death with therapy,” she thinks. “This is getting me nowhere.” She feels close to her therapist and decides that he deserves more than a false excuse. “Look,” she says, “I think we can both agree that we’re nearing the end here.” Unsure about how to respond to his neutral facial reactions, Lois plunges forward. “Believe me, I’m as bored of myself as you probably are. There’s no reason to pretend that we’re making progress here when I’m just going over the same issues, again and again. You’ve been trying. I know you have. But I’ve got nothing else to discover about myself. I’m done. That’s all there is. I’m just done.”

There is nothing wrong with gaining the sense of well-being that comes with having a professional provide reflection and insight on one’s life. Lois is pleased with her therapist’s support and feels the first four sessions were a success. Brief therapy may have provided her the supportive boost she needs as she continues to apply new coping skills on her own. If, on the other hand, there are uncomfortable symptoms plaguing her (sleeplessness, worry, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, intense relational conflicts, etc), it will be worth her while to take a second look at the boredom that is blocking her way.

Lois and her therapist are at a common juncture in treatment. Research into the phases of therapy conducted by Kenneth Howard of Northwestern University outlines a progressive, three-stage sequence of change. In the first phase, the client experiences a restoration of subjectively experienced well-being. The second phase focuses on the resolution of the client’s symptoms. This phase occupies a greater number of sessions—generally, between the 5th and the 15th session of therapy. Curiously, over one-half of his clients had discontinued therapy by session four.

The Problematic Skill of Emotional Insulation

As children, most of us learn to create emotional boundaries around ourselves to keep us safe. Trapped with a negative or mean-spirited crowd, our emotional insulation kicks in and we can feel somewhat removed from harm. Dropping layers of emotional insulation while with a nurturing friend allows us to take in the nutrients of their care. By the time we become adults, this unconscious defense mechanism regulates our relationships automatically.

For those impacted by big or small experiences of neglect or harm from others, it follows that they would be prone toward a self-sufficient stance. This insulation might be felt in the emotional brain as apathy and irritability when the “threat” of an ongoing relationship is apparent. The cognitive messages associated with these feelings may be something like, “I’m fine not caring about this person. I’m waiting for them to leave so I can feel more safe.” Such feelings and thoughts get activated without permission from the conscious mind. Sometimes, as in the case with Lois, the realization of boredom can occur quite suddenly and emphatically.

Repairing Flaws in the Insulation

One does not need to be engaged in long-term psychoanalytic care to see the importance of the therapeutic bond. Even in brief, solution-focused therapy, progress results in large part from the trust established between those two people sitting in that room, taking time together to see what surfaces. Boredom is simply one of the body’s natural resistances to this process. Touching into that boredom gives one the opportunity to test and perhaps readjust one’s automatic reactions. Similar to removing an unnecessary layer on a hot day, the act of staying in a relationship even when bored can yield surprisingly pleasant results.

“So you’re feeling annoyed. I see that. Care to look at that feeling a little bit further?”
Lois laughs. Another minute or two, she thinks, and this will be over. “Oh, great. So now I’m going to pay you for the chance to look at my boredom.” She rolls her eyes and opens her pocketbook.
“Only if you want to,” he answers. She hands her check to him. The two stand as she makes her way to the door. Lois takes one last moment to collect herself before reaching for the doorknob.
“You know,” she says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what comes next.”
She watches her therapist nod and smile. “I can be here if you want to find out.”

Navigating Boredom and Longing

Taking a look at the automatic effort to prevent intimacy is just as important as putting effort into stepping past the resistance. Examining the body’s reactions to closeness and distance can be an unasked for but enlightening part of therapy. As Lois drives home, she is no doubt reexamining that nod and smile from her therapist as she stood at the door. The boredom that prompted their last interaction has now been unmasked to reveal an underlying uncertainty and frustration. Beneath that lies an unanswered longing for connection.

There is no quick answer to Lois’s dilemma of whether to return for another session. There’s neither certainty that therapy is the ideal site for her to place that longing, nor an assurance that it’s better to listen to the call of her boredom and move on. She has her own mind to make up and her own body to tend to as she manages the ebb and flow of her tolerance for relationships. She is not alone in her struggle, though. Boredom and longing carry their unspoken and magnetic influences on our interpersonal behaviors, driving each of us to our own true north. Effective therapy simply offers us a safe place to unmask the process.

While managing the ebb and flow of your capacity for intimacy, remember that every moment offers an opportunity for healing. I find this piece of wisdom encapsulated within the following excerpt:

Empty yourself,
So that you may be filled.
Learn not to love
so that you may learn how to love.
Draw back,
so that you may be approached.

-St. Augustine Narration on Psalm 30:30

References:
Howard, K. I.; Lueger, R. J.; Maling, M. S.; & Martinovich, Z. (1993). A phase model of psychotherapy outcome: Causal mediation of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 678-685.

Man yelling in megaphone at himselfThis article is part of a series that explores the ways that specific “clusters” of depression symptoms manifest to create different experiences of depression. The previous article in this series discussed the low-ambition experience.

Self-attack is my term for thinking mean, diminishing, insulting, and shaming thoughts about oneself. People often think of this as low self-esteem, but I think self-attack better describes what is actually going on. People who experience depression often think like this, but it is also possible to engage in self-attack and not meet the full criteria to be diagnosed with depression. Whether or not your self-attack is part of depression, this is a very painful, disabling, quality-of-life-reducing, and even life-threatening way to exist.

In fact, I believe self-attack is possibly the most common type of misery and symptom of depression. So many people frequently say things to themselves—whether they even notice or not—that diminish or shame them: “I’m a failure,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m lazy” “I’m unlovable,” (which may sound like “I’m fat and ugly”, or take other forms), “I’m a terrible parent, employee, friend, spouse…,” “I can’t do anything right,” I’ll never be good enough,” “I’m not worth what I have,” and so on.

It may surprise you that people attack themselves for good reasons. Many do it because it’s how they understand love—it’s how their parents “loved” them. Others think that shame is the only thing that motivates them. Once people learn to handle themselves this way, they practice it over and over and over, and learning to do something different is very difficult.

I often ask people who are plagued by self-attack, “What if someone were following you around all day saying these things to you?” Most people would yell at them, argue with them, stop them, fight back, or at least get away from them. But when it’s their own voice, they listen and believe it—and it’s devastating.

This can change. There are ways to change this on our own, and ways that psychotherapy can help. In either case, the key is to develop an internal parent who parents us the way good parents do.

How the Parenting We Experience Affects Our Brains
This is the most important thing to know about how to become a happy, well-functioning adult. Generally, when children are parented by caretakers who understand their feelings and needs and respond to them compassionately and protectively, children learn to respond similarly to themselves. Over time, children build skills in parenting from imitating their parents. This is how we know how to take care of ourselves as adults.

We now know from neurological research that we are hard-wired through special neurons to imitate our parents. Our brains learn how to act in the world by incorporating the things that we see our caretakers do when we’re children. It’s a great system when we have parents who act in nurturing, protective, and wise ways. It doesn’t work so well when our parents are abusive, neglectful, unhappy, or dysfunctional people themselves.

We also see that our brains are able to re-wire throughout our lives, so if this doesn’t go well when we’re children, we can usually still change what goes on in our brains when we’re adults. This is what psychotherapy and EMDR do, but there are also ways to work on this outside of therapy.

We also know that when we close our eyes and imagine something, the same pattern of functioning occurs in our brains as when we look at something. So if you see your best friend, then close your eyes and imagine your best friend, your brain will be doing the same thing. This makes guided imagery very powerful. Anything we do that involves imagining being parented, or parenting ourselves in a nurturing, compassionate, protective, wise, functional way, can actually help build the brain structure we need to be the adults we would have been if we’d had better parents.

The Experience of Parenting Yourself
There are many ways to do this, but let’s take a couple moments to try out one. Think of a problem that is upsetting you right now—nothing too upsetting. Now imagine you have a niece or nephew, four to ten years old, who comes to you for help because they are struggling with a similar problem. With the most nurturing, protective, compassionate part of yourself in charge, what would you say to them? Write this down.

What would you do for them? What do you think you could give them that would help them feel a little better? Try expressing your understanding of their feelings and needs. Normalize what they’re experiencing. Show them compassion. Offer forgiveness if they need it. Offer solutions or ways to get solutions. Offer to stay with them through the process. Comfort them any way you can imagine.

Of course, this exercise is just a beginning. But once you learn to do this, and can do it with yourself, you have access to one of the most powerful tools we as human beings have to be happy and functional.

Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy can help with this process in many ways. For example, my clients usual begin to heal when I treat them with respect, am very genuinely interested in them and amazed by who they are, reflect what I see as I come to understand what they’ve had to overcome and how, and encourage them without shaming them. Being consistent and compassionate, listening carefully and responding with insight,  is what parents are supposed to do with children so that they can develop into happy adults. Many parents don’t or can’t do it well—usually because their parents couldn’t do it with them.

By being treated this way, people learn to treat themselves and others that way. They learn to expect healthy relationships where they are treated with a similar respect. It helps people express the feelings they haven’t felt safe to express and to feel more capable of coping with painful feelings. It builds self-esteem and confidence. In this environment, depression usually recedes.

Self-attack is very destructive, but can be overcome by developing a compassionate, nurturing, protective parent inside.

For the past two decades, science has been uncovering some important features of traumatized clients. There is mounting evidence that traumatized individuals vary widely in their ability to adapt to trauma, in part due to underlying physical factors. For instance, some see the presence of chronic emotional trauma as having the potential to cause permanent physical damage in at least the hippocampus (Sapolsky, in Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers (1994) argues that chronic stress is a significant cause of aging in several species). This might mean that some individuals who have gone through multiple traumas or what in the DSM V will likely be called Disorders of Extreme Stress NOS, because of a changed hippocampus, might have diminished abilities to perceive or recover from subsequent stressors.

Other studies have show that certain traumatized populations (traumatized women and combat veterans) show similar characteristics of neurological dysregulation. Susan Johnson noted (Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors, 2002) that one implication is that such individuals may be unable to use their emotions as an appropriate danger signal to prompt adaptive action. The chronic activation in their brain systems seems to result in overreactions to non-emergencies and freezing responses in the presence of real danger. (more…)

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.