In addition to adapting to the brand new experience of parenting, many new parents may also be managing preexisting mental health issues, like depression or bipolar. Others may experience postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of a child. The American Psychological Association states that postpartum depression affects 9–16% of postpartum women, and women who experienced PPD after the birth of their first child are even more likely to experience PPD after a second pregnancy.

Online resources like GoodTherapy.org can be valuable in helping you understand issues like postpartum depression—you can find a selection of blog articles related to PPD on the GoodTherapy.org Blog—but finding others who can relate is also essential. That’s why we appreciate the many wonderful blogs by parents who have experience with postpartum or general depression. It’s comforting to find people who have documented their stories and shared their own inspiration for coping with mental health issues.

Below are some of our favorite blogs by and for parents who are experiencing or have experienced PPD or depression.

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Postpartum Progress

With a team of over 15 writers, Postpartum Progress discusses the experience of motherhood—for parents-to-be, those who have decades of parenting behind them, and everyone in between. Because so many authors are contributing, you can follow the stories of mothers who are in all stages of PPD and depression. Click on “Find Moms Like You” under the Get Hope tab to explore personal stories you can relate to and resources for moving forward.

All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something

A wife and mother who has experienced PPD and been diagnosed with bipolar II, Kimberly has many published pieces to her name in addition to her popular blog. In her bio, she writes, “Together, my boys have guided me through the darkest times of my life and held onto my hope when I lost it. Their love saves me every single day.” The link above takes you to her posts specifically addressing PPD and recovery.

Beautiful Courageous You

Lauralee writes that her faith has been of the utmost importance to her success in dealing with mental health issues while raising her five children. “Most of what I write about is a real and raw journey through depression, anxiety, and grief, not to bring you down but to bring you UP and fill your heart to brimming over with Hope.” Many people search for a spiritual approach to overcoming hardships in life; if you’re looking for inspiration from a mother with a Christian perspective, Beautiful Courageous You is the account of a woman who has learned to embrace change and rejoice in life’s trials.

Ivy’s PPD Blog

After a failed pregnancy and an unsuccessful cycle of in vitro fertilization, Ivy gave birth to her daughter in December 2004 and experienced PPD six weeks later. Though she considers her experience with PPD over, she has continued to be an advocate for education about maternal mental health issues, perinatal mood issues, and infertility. Ivy’s blog is one of our favorites because of her dedication to reducing stigma about mental health issues that women and mothers face. She also shares insightful posts about bullying and the importance of staying wary of social media—both for kids and adults.

Farewell Stranger

Robin Farr named her blog not for the Supertramp song “Goodbye Stranger”—OK, maybe a little bit for that—but because, “In telling this story, I’m saying goodbye to a version of myself that I didn’t know and didn’t understand.” Robin has presented a TEDx talk, contributed to Huffington Post, and written for Postpartum Progress about her ongoing experience with depression and the recurrence of what she calls “blips”—those times that might make one hyperaware of mental health issues. Farewell Stranger has formed an online community around Robin, her life with her two sons, and maternal depression.

PPD to Joy

The author of PPD to Joy, Yael, had a traumatic introduction to postpartum depression: her mother committed suicide when Yael was 6. When Yael found herself having similar thoughts and motives after the births of her own children, she said the memory of her mother’s death “ignited a spark” under her. She began seeking help and finding strength through support networks and professionals. Years later, she continues her blog, hosts support groups in Ithaca, New York, and helps eliminate stigma and confusion about PPD.

While there tends to be an abundance of resources available for women with postpartum depression, the help for their partners is not as plentiful. Spouses should not only learn how to support a partner with depression; they should also be prepared for dealing with depression issues themselves. Studies have shown that fathers, too, may experience postpartum depression. We are still looking for blogs by fathers with PPD; please email inquiries@goodtherapy.org with suggestions.

Are there other blogs about depression and PPD that you read? Please let us know! Have your own blog that covers these issues? We want to find it! Leave your suggestions in the comments, so we can include them in future lists like this.

I recently agreed to do part of an online course in LGBT studies. I’m doing the “B”: bisexuality. They had a hard time finding someone to do it; no one thought they could fill the time with enough info on the subject! After all, we still live in a world where a lot of people think there is “no such thing” as bisexuality.

The more I dig, the more I feel that understanding bisexuality is the key to understanding a LOT of things about sexual orientation, behavior, attractions, and gender itself. Here are 10 things I’ve learned so far:

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1. There are more bisexual people than gay and lesbian people. That’s right. Not only does bisexuality exist, those who self-label as bi outnumber those who identify as gay or lesbian. A 2011 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 3.1% of respondents in a national survey said they were bi and only 2.5% lesbian or gay. Other studies have found similar results.
2. Younger people embrace the identity more than older people. Lisa Diamond and Ritch Savin-Williams’ research shows that people under 40, and especially those under 30, think it’s no big deal to acknowledge attractions to both men and women. But then again, young people tend to think marriage equality is a no-brainer, too.
3. Women may be more bisexual than men—or they just accept it more. About 15 years ago, Meredith Chivers did lab research showing that women—regardless of their sexual identity—respond more to bisexual erotica than men. And recent analyses of national youth surveys by Nanette Gartrell show about 15% of adolescent girls have had a same-sex experience, not just attractions.
4. But men may be catching up. Savin-Williams is doing research on “mostly heterosexual” men—those with a little bit of same-sex attraction and behavior. There are a LOT of them. And Diamond, once an advocate of the position that women were more bisexual and fluid than men, recently published a paper called “I Was Wrong—Men Are Pretty Darn Fluid Too.”
5. Bisexuals threaten heterosexuals because they “blur the line.” In case you haven’t noticed, many heterosexuals still fear and reject gay people. They want to distance from same-sex attraction in every way. If the world is divided neatly into two “camps”—those who are 100% heterosexual and those 100% gay—that’s easy. But if there is a third group, people who are attracted to both men and women, it’s harder to draw the line and make that separation.
6. Bisexuals threaten gay people because they represent the ability to hide behind “heterosexual privilege.” Lesbians and gay men often fear they cannot compete with heterosexual privilege in a relationship, and many suspect that anyone who self-labels as “bisexual” will eventually find the lure of a “normal” life too tempting. Some see bisexuals as potential traitors—and heartbreakers.
7. This double “biphobia” leaves bisexuals without a community. The “B” in LGBT is only grudgingly accepted. Bisexuals would normally seek solace from their “queer” tribe—but there is sometimes only marginal acceptance by the tribe.
8. There is a tremendous pressure to “lie” if you are bisexual. Only 23% of self-identified bisexuals tell others. It’s easier to just let people assume that if you are with an opposite-sex partner you are straight and if you are with a same sex partner you are gay.
9. This leads to “bi-invisibility.” “Biphobia” is the irrational fear of bisexuality. “Bi-invisibility” is the denial that bisexuals exist and being blind to the existence of bisexuality. Until recently, this was argued in the scientific literature about bisexuality, and it is the most common public misconception about bisexuality. But bisexuals themselves may unwittingly help to maintain bi-invisibility by not “coming out.” After all, arguably the single most important thing that advanced gay rights in the past 40 years was gays and lesbians becoming more public.
10. Bi-invisibility is also maintained by “bi-erasure.” Bi-erasure is the cultural tendency to refuse to acknowledge bisexuals even when they proclaim their bisexuality. How many people think Rock Hudson gay and Marlon Brando straight? Both talked openly about attractions and sexual experiences with men as well as women. Larry King’s fumbling interview of Anna Paquin is not unusual. For reasons that mystify, many people have such a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that someone could be attracted to both genders—or that gender might not matter—that they just erase the possibility from their worlds!

The signs for identifying that your child is being bullied are vast and often nuanced. Children often feel ashamed about being a target at school, so you may have to read between the lines to find out what is going on.

Perhaps your child is more quiet than usual. Tummy aches are becoming more frequent, and so are other excuses to miss school. They don’t like riding the bus. Whatever the case, you realize something is wrong, and as his or her parent, you can’t sit back and watch it go on anymore.

Before you head to school to sort things out, it’s worth exploring strategies on how to stop or prevent bullying. The following tips may help you address bullying in a smart and effective way:

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1. Keep your friends close. Making allies at your child’s school is key in helping your bullied child. School personnel often more quickly minimize bullying than admit that it occurs in their classrooms. If you are a good advocate for your child, you may address any issues head-on. Before you speak to your child’s teacher(s), think about how they may receive your feedback. Instead of telling a teacher what is happening in his or her classroom, ask. Tell the teacher about your suspicions, but don’t make it seem like you’re telling the teacher what to do. Compel the teacher to want to help you by being his or her ally.
2. Keep your “enemies” closer. Is there a kid in your child’s classroom who seems to be the leader or bullying instigator? Find out whom your child dislikes the most in class—and why—and talk to that child’s parents. See if you can connect with them on a personal level. You may learn that the children have more in common than they think. By connecting with the kid’s parents, you’re leading by example.
3. Play detective. Investigate what is driving the bullies. Is your child shy? Is it about your child’s appearance? Quirky interests? Children can be very cruel. And because of their developmentally appropriate black-and-white thinking, they often fall into an us-vs.-them mentality. Anybody who is different may be seen as a threat. Find out what can help your child connect with others without compromising your child’s uniqueness.
4. Recognize your child’s strengths. When children have stronger self-image, they are bothered less by what bullies say about them. What are your child’s strengths? Allow your child to see that he or she is unique, special in his or her own way. Nobody else in class may be able to identify 50 types of dinosaurs. Maybe others don’t wear glasses because they aren’t as good readers. Whatever your child’s disadvantage, there is usually an advantage to balance it.
5. Help your child shine. Find ways in which your child can exhibit his or her strengths at school. Encourage joining an after-school club he or she is likely to excel in. Or maybe your child has a cool dad. A friend told me that they were able to put an end to bullying after the dad went to school to do a presentation on martial arts. Dad did some impressive kicks, and his child was cool by association. They didn’t plan it that way, but it worked out!
6. Find out how your child really feels. Allow your child to vent with you. Don’t immediately offer suggestions. Label his or her feelings, and say them back to him/her. Children who are able to identify feelings are typically better at managing their emotions. Ask questions, and let your child talk even when you know the answer, or what your response will be. This way, your child will learn to process thoughts on his or her own, which will help him/her feel empowered.
7. Allow your child to grow from the experience. Being a victim of bullying may cause serious stress in children. With your help, it can be an experience with a positive lesson. Your child can learn how to turn a bad situation into an opportunity. The child can discover that his or her worth doesn’t depend on what others say. And you can show your child that you will always be there to support him or her.
8. Consider seeking the support of a counselor. Particularly if the bullying (and its effects) are more severe, seeking the help of an experienced child counselor or therapist can help address emotional concerns and point you and your child toward appropriate remedies.

I really appreciate the authenticity with which you present your situation. The guilt you are feeling for writing in—and even for having the thoughts feelings you have—is palpable.

It is clear how much you love and care for your wife. You express concern about her physical and mental health and feel fearful that she will not survive long enough to grow old with you. This suggests that you want her to be around to grow old with and you know she needs to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, in order for that to happen. That said, you can’t control your wife’s choices and behaviors; you can only control your own choices and behaviors. In that vein, I think it could be helpful for you to consider engaging in your own therapy. You are dealing with fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety about the uncertainty of your marriage. This is a lot to carry around. Therapy can provide a safe place and a strong therapeutic relationship to support you as you sort through these issues.

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From your description, it does sound entirely possible that your wife could be depressed. She may also benefit from therapy. Again, you can’t control whether she goes to therapy, but you can encourage her to consider it and ask her to do it. If you do decide to enter therapy and you share the benefits of your therapeutic experience with her, she might feel the inspiration and motivation to get started herself. If she doesn’t feel ready for her own individual therapy, maybe she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you or even just come to some sessions with you and your therapist.

Of course, it’s possible your wife won’t change, or even attempt to. It’s understandable that, if this plays out, you may consider walking away from the marriage. It’s also understandable if you decide to stay, in spite of your concerns, because of how you feel about your wife. There’s not really a wrong answer here.

I guess the bottom line is this: You both seem to be hurting, and it seems to be damaging your marriage, but there also seems to be a lot of love here. If you can each make a commitment to working through this to get to a healthier place, you’ll be off to pretty strong start.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Editor’s note: If you or someone you know is in crisis, please click here for information about seeking help.

Cutting is a popular way for teens to self-injure without the intent of suicide. Using scissors, razor blades, pins, pens, or other sharp objects, some teenagers puncture or cut their skin in various places on the body. If you’re a parent, you are probably wondering, “Why would they do that?” The answers may surprise and scare you.

Simply put, cutting is a maladaptive coping mechanism during times of stress and anxiety that is rarely accompanied by suicidal thoughts. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, self-harming behavior such as cutting has no single cause. It does not discriminate across cultural and socioeconomic levels, but the behavior is predominately carried out by females.

Reasons behind teen cutting are varied. Often it can be categorized by those who already feel numb as a way to experience intense emotion and pain. Numbness may be due to being emotionally overwhelmed for too long, which almost short-circuits the system into a feeling of dullness—neither happy nor sad. Teens who feel numb often identify that the only way to feel alive is to cut.

Another way to categorize cutting is as a release of emotions, similar to a drain when the sink is overflowing. Teens who feel burdened by stress, anxiety, depression, and other emotions may use cutting to vent the unwanted leftovers of those difficult feelings.

Other reasons for cutting include an intense and overriding feeling of aloneness, feeling helpless, and feeling the need to punish or blame for something that happened.

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The theory behind why teens use cutting as a coping mechanism reasons that endorphins play a major role. When teens cut, endorphins rapidly invade the bloodstream, resulting in a feeling of pleasure and relief. For some teens, the cutting and the endorphin release make them feel “high.”

Take for example, a 16-year-old girl who is a high academic achiever, member of the elite volleyball team, and a positive role model for her younger sisters. She is an all-around overachiever, earning money babysitting and as a lifeguard, striving to excel in school to make sure she gets into a prominent university. Her volleyball team travels on the weekends, and she is looked at as a leader to the other members. In addition, she volunteers at her church and with her community. She dresses well and in fashion, and is always attempting to make sure her hair is perfect. Although she doesn’t love her body, she knows it could be worse, since she’s an athlete and in somewhat decent shape physically.

Emotionally, however, she’s not in shape, nor positive, nor excelling. She is overburdened by academia, struggling to achieve all A’s in her advanced classes. She has to study from the minute she gets home from school until volleyball practice, and then more upon returning. She is not sure her grades will get her into a “good enough” college. She is worried that her best friend is mad at her, and she’s certain that her father hates her. To make matters worse, her right knee has been bothering her, but she doesn’t tell anyone for fear that her team will be mad at her. She has had to cancel when invited out because she had too much homework and she promised her best friend she’d be available if she needed to talk.

At first glance, this teen seems to have a full and rich life, with opportunity abounding. However, she’s so overwhelmed that at night she uses her desk scissors to slice her wrists repeatedly. To make sure no one suspects anything, she hides the bloody tissues at the bottom of the trash can. She wears stacks of bracelets to cover the damage so no one asks. She doesn’t know what else can release the pressure she feels from school, family, friends, and her team. She heard about cutting during lunch a few years ago, and now uses scissors to pour her emotions out.

This is real life for some teens. As much as parents are disgusted by the idea, and instinctively react with shock about what their child has done to their body, it is an unwanted aftereffect of overworked, overscheduled, overwhelmed children. Never before have we put the same amount of pressure on our children and teens to succeed academically, socially, and beyond.

While it may not make sense that they cut their bodies, it makes sense that they find a way to release the pressure. Without learning new coping skills and understanding their triggers, teens often end up alone in their pressure-cooker lives. Through counseling, teens can learn how to handle distress, how to prioritize in their lives, and how to communicate about their feelings.

The day I had been waiting for had arrived. I’d finished cancer treatment and could move on with my life after nearly a year of difficult treatments. I remember the feeling of elation that followed me after that last day of radiation treatment. I finally felt free. My husband and I took a trip to Hawaii to celebrate, and I felt more alive than maybe ever in my life. It was like I’d been holding my breath for months and now I finally was able to exhale. I’d finally been released from the physical and emotional confinements of cancer treatment.

When I returned from my Hawaiian “cancer-cation,” I found that things were already changing from the way they had been during treatment. There were no more supportive cards arriving in the mail, email check-ins from friends started to dry up, and the fruit baskets stopped arriving. Then the calls offering support started to dry up. Medical appointments became less frequent. Support systems began to fade. And then came the feelings—big, dark, troubling feelings. I found myself thinking, “I could have died; I still could die!” and the recognition that I would be living in the shadow of cancer for the rest of my life began to emerge.

Soon it was time to return to work, and I began to feel the weight of expectations from friends, family, and coworkers. I was done with treatment, and everyone wanted me to return to life as normal. Everyone was expecting it. But I knew I was forever changed and there would be no going back to “the old me.” I began to feel the pull of depression and anxiety, as well as the need to make meaning of my cancer experience. I began to wonder if it was a good time to reach out for help.

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Does this experience resonate with you? It seems to be a common theme among cancer survivors I have worked with. In fact, it’s an experience so common and almost universal to people who have had cancer that many cancer hospitals and treatment facilities are now taking action toward creating survivorship programs that address the ongoing mental health needs of their patients. There is a reason they call the period after cancer “the new normal.” It’s an acknowledgment that the old, precancer life is gone and that we have to make our way to finding a new life for ourselves.

Why do so many of us who have experienced cancer face depression and anxiety post-treatment? Getting a cancer diagnosis is one of the most shocking and frightening experiences a person can face. It is, for many people, a traumatic experience. Even for those who don’t feel traumatized by it, it’s a moment that is seared into our minds forever and something we will never forget.

Immediately after diagnosis, we go through an overwhelming period where we struggle to manage our fears and grasp exactly what we will be facing in our treatment. We often have to make quick decisions about treatment options in a very short period of time. There is little time to process all the fear and trepidation we feel. Then treatment begins and we focus on getting through it. We stuff down our emotions and connect with the warrior part of ourselves. And then treatment ends and emotions that were buried as part of self-protection begin to resurface. The intensity of the feelings we experience can catch us totally off guard.

We may experience anxiety and depression. For many, the end of treatment only marks the beginning of a whole new set of challenges to be faced: how to manage the anxiety and fears of recurrence. How to find meaning in an old life that no longer fits. How to process the enormity of what you’ve been through. You may be feeling as I did—lost and rudderless in a your new, post-cancer identity.

You may be wondering how to get your life back on track after cancer. I wish I could provide you with some kind of a map to guide you, or a spreadsheet detailing exactly what to expect in your emotional and physical recovery. The reality is that just as each of us has a unique cancer diagnosis and treatment experience, each of us will have a different experience in how we process our experience with cancer.

Some will need extra time to recover physically and to reconnect with and forgive a body that betrayed them. Some will want to explore a newfound sense of meaning that they found in their cancer experience. Others may need help in implementing a plan to finally start to put their health and self-care into priority. Some may connect to all of this and more.

If any of this resonates with you, you’ll likely find that connecting with a supportive therapist who understands the issues unique to people with cancer will be helpful to you. The kind of emotional exploration done in therapy will arm you with tools for coping with the depth of emotion you feel and allow you to get back on the path to living in your new, post-cancer identity.

Although epilepsy is one of the most common causes of seizures, it’s not the only cause. Extreme emotional states can give rise to seizures. Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) are seizures brought on by emotional states, occurring in between 2 and 33 per 100,000 people. According to one study, as many as 20% of people diagnosed with epilepsy might have PNES instead.

New research published in Epilepsy and Behavior aims to discern the differences between the two types of seizures, and researchers were able to correctly differentiate PNES from epilepsy in 83% of cases. They also found a clear connection between anxiety and seizures.

How Anxiety Triggers Seizures

Epilepsy is caused by rapid and chaotic discharge of electrical signals in the brain, but people experiencing psychogenic nonepileptic seizures don’t show this pattern. People with depression, anxiety, and similar mental health concerns can experience PNES, but doctors aren’t sure why. Strangely, a large percentage of people with PNES have epilepsy, making it even more challenging to distinguish psychologically induced seizures from those brought on by epilepsy. 

Differences between Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures (PNES) and Epilepsy

Differentiating between PNES and epilepsy can help people experiencing seizures get faster, more effective treatment. To evaluate differences between the two types of seizures, researchers administered questionnaires to evaluate whether and how frequently participants avoided circumstances that made them feel anxious. The group of participants included 30 people with PNES, 25 with epilepsy, and 31 with no history of seizures. Researchers found that PNES was more common among people who regularly experienced anxiety and who took steps to avoid sources of anxiety.

[fat_widget_left]Researchers also found that people who reported more somatic symptoms were more likely to experience seizures. Somatic symptoms are physical symptoms, such as headaches or vomiting, that don’t have an underlying medical cause. The study’s authors note that their research highlights the need for effective interventions among people struggling with anxiety. Because people who experience PNES tend to avoid anxiety, researchers point to the need for treatments that can help people with PNES reduce avoidance behaviors while more effectively managing anxiety.

References: 

1. Mellers, J. D. (2005). The approach to patients with “non-epileptic seizures”. Postgraduate Medical Journal, 81(958), 498-504.
2. New research links anxiety to seizures. (2014, August 1). Retrieved from http://www.lincoln.ac.uk/news/2014/08/932.asp
3. The Truth about Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.epilepsy.com/article/2014/3/truth-about-psychogenic-nonepileptic-seizures

“What is wrong with you? This is not how I raised you! I raised you to use your brain!”

So went a mom’s reaction when her daughter came to her for help after hurting herself in an effort to feel relief from grief symptoms she was experiencing. As might be the urge of a scared parent in the situation, the mother reacted in anger, screaming and personalizing her daughter’s actions. In this situation, of course the pressing concern is the daughter’s health and safety, and a positive was that the teen had reached out to her mother—though the child later said, “I’ll remember not to do that next time.”

The mother explained that this was her “personality”; she did not “hold anything back,” allowing people to know “exactly how she feels, even if it’s harsh—that’s how I got where I am.” This action did not prove helpful, as the vulnerable child was not in a position to hear a harsh critique and it apparently made the child hesitate about telling her mother the next time she felt unsafe. In this situation, the mother mistook her own common reactionary style (explosive anger) as an unchangeable part of her personality. The truth is, we are able to change the way we respond to others and to ourselves. It isn’t as “fixed” as it can feel.

Feeling doomed to one style of interaction isn’t uncommon. From the child who thinks talking back to her parents is “who she is,” to the significant other who believes it’s OK to berate her boyfriend because “I’m just whiny, that’s how I’ve always been,” to the man who believes “I fall in love fast, I can’t help if it’s with the wrong person,” or, “I just don’t talk about how I feel, I never have,” individuals often treat their patterns as unwavering personality types.

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Why We Believe This

There are a few reasons we may feel afflicted with rather than responsible for our response and communication styles. First, it takes practice to respond differently in the moment than we have before. We typically speak to people without thinking twice, as if filtering our words is someone else’s responsibility and not our own. Second, it can be scary to explore a new way of handling a situation. We can feel particularly vulnerable if we perceive that the change compromises our value system. This is especially true when our reactions have been reinforced in some way.

The mother in the example above perceives herself as successful because of her anger, making anger seem beneficial to hold on to. It’s easy to minimize the negative effects of her anger by focusing on the positives. If the mother values “being authentic,” this might feel like an authentic reaction to her.

Cognitive dissonance is the third idea that allows us hold on to our behavior patterns. Cognitive dissonance is essentially the brain’s way of eliminating discomfort by keeping its ideas consistent. If the mom in our example had failed to change her anger responses in a romantic relationship 10 years ago, she might be motivated to maintain consistency with her anger, as changing now would require her to understand that she could have made a change 10 years ago. Cognitive dissonance allows her to say, “If I couldn’t change it then, I cannot change it now, and I shouldn’t be asked to do so.”

Continuing with the belief that we can’t control our own responses allows us to shift blame outward and focus on the traits of other people—“You should know what I meant,” or, “You should receive my message in whatever tone or verbiage I want to use to send it,” or, “You should know better than to ask how I feel.” The fallacy here is that the only changes each of us is allowed to make are the ones within ourselves; our own reactions, our own coping skills, our own communications. Demanding another person to be less sensitive or expect less of you will stifle rather than grow a relationship.

How Do We Move Forward?

1. Incorporate awareness, validation, and accountability into each exchange. Notice when you are responding out of habit and not out of a desire to find the most helpful approach. Look for patterns, and consider what fears are allowing the patterns to continue. Think about how different responses might be helpful in different situations. Explore what makes you think certain reactions have been helpful, and what your values are in given situations. This will allow you to be true to yourself while making improvements.
2. Practice validation (the recognition of another person’s experience). It requires the listener in a conversation to realize that it isn’t necessary to agree with the statement, just to understand where the speaker is coming from. To use the example of the mother and daughter, the mother may have expressed validation by responding in an understanding, concerned, and neutral manner to her daughter’s admittance of dangerous behavior. Certainly, this calm response may have taken much more energy in that moment than mother’s typically explosive response type, but it may have resulted in more open communication between mother and child. Additionally, it would role-model for the child how to respond to a situation with the most helpful response rather than the first response.
3. Ask yourself, what am I willing to change? How will I do it? Then practice your responses. Ask for time in a discussion or conflict while you gather your thoughts. Life isn’t like Gilmore Girls, where every communication must be stated immediately and as quickly as possible. You can agree to revisit the topic at a specific time after you’ve been able to find the nugget of truth in the other person’s position. Make sure to explain that you’re taking space to think about the topic so that the person you’re communicating with does not fear the topic has been abandoned. In the ongoing challenge of acting and reacting, it is possible to make small changes that start with simply recognizing the things that can be changed and the benefits that can result.

By the time you’re in your thirties and forties, you’ve met a substantial number of people. A small percentage of that group is made up of people you now call friends. In discussing “friend divorce,” I don’t mean people you see only at work or on Facebook. A friend divorce is when you care enough about yourself and the other person to initiate a difficult conversation wherein you essentially say, “I don’t want you to be a part of my life anymore.”

Before going further, I want to say it takes some confidence and self-worth to make a decision like this. If you considered yourself worthless, you wouldn’t be concerned that someone would be hurt if you cut him or her out of your life. I’m glad you value yourself enough to ensure that people who take up space in your life are doing so because they’ve earned it.

How Do You Know When It’s Time?

Sometimes a friend will do something so shocking that you know that this person cannot remain in your life, but there are also subtler reasons to consider a friend divorce. There’s the friend you’ve known your whole life and your high school days are marked by crazy memories, but now you’re both 37 and your friend’s attempts to relive those antics are embarrassing. There’s the friend who disappeared during a time you were sick or someone close to you died. You may have tried to sort this through with them, but you’re certain that their actions would be no different if a similar situation arose. Other friends might also warrant cutting ties. Do you find that you call or text someone out of obligation or only when you know there’s a clear end to the conversation (e.g., waiting for the bus)? If dread arises when you think about spending time with this person, it’s clear that this is no longer a relationship that brings you joy.

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Six Tips for a Friend Divorce

This is a big step, but once you’ve settled on doing it, there are a few things to remember that may help you move through an admittedly painful and awkward process:

1. Be direct: Your friend may hear that you need some time or that you’ll catch up next summer. You’ve put a lot of thought into this, so make sure you’re clear: you are ending the friendship.
2. Expect anger and sadness: Endings stir up difficult feelings. Just because you’ve put a lot of care and concern into this decision doesn’t mean you’ll be thanked at the end of it. This person is losing you, and that’s no small thing. Don’t try to take away their feelings. Allow them, but be prepared for them. Also, remember that this may be come as a surprise to them—especially if their self-involvement is one of the reasons you’re ending the friendship. (And you now have the added bonus that their reaction reminds you why you’re doing this in the first place.)
3. Expect anger and sadness from yourself: You’re losing a person who meant something to you once. That’s sad. It’s supposed to be.
4. Be concrete (if you can): If there are specific moments, then this is a good time to point to them. Stay away from saying “you” if you can. The person may negotiate, but they can’t deny an action. You may have already had a conversation about the intentions behind that action; your focus here is the action and that it could happen again.
5. Let the person know how much they have meant to you and that you’ll be sorry to lose them: This should not turn into, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Honestly, he or she was your friend for a time. There was a reason for that, and chances are it was a good reason. You may need to dig deep, but you don’t want the person feeling that you never cared for them at all.
6. Let them know the limitations: This seems similar to being direct, and it is, but in the heat of emotions you want to ensure that you set specific boundaries, e.g., “Please do not call me. Do not include me on invitations. I’m not going to say ‘no,’ I’m just not going to respond.”

Saying goodbye under the best of circumstances is difficult, and this is hardly the best of circumstances. The older you are, the more you realize how precious your time is, and a lot of it will probably be spent with people. Make sure those people are the ones you want, the ones who add to your life, and the ones who bring you joy.

Psst. I have a little secret for you. Don’t let anyone know I told you this: Be selfish. I know that sounds like terrible advice. In fact, it’s the extreme opposite of what our mothers told us growing up. What we learned was: to be selfish was a terrible thing; a dirty name; a personality trait that no good girl or boy would ever want to be accused of owning. That word can also be a wonderful tool for inducing shame and getting people to behave the way you want them to. If it were an archaic word, growing dusty on the shelf of our childhood, rarely used, I wouldn’t write this article. Instead, that word is so commonly thrown about, tossed from husband to wife, mother to child, our self to our self, leaving guilt, shame, and self-doubt in its wake, that it demands investigation.

The Webster’s Dictionary definition of selfish is: “Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others …” If we look at the definition closely, we can see what all those mothers were upset about: “caring only for oneself,” “concerned primarily with one’s own …” and “… regardless of others.” Those phrases do sound pretty heartless, bringing the image of Scrooge to mind. But the rest, “caring for oneself” and “concerned with one’s interests, benefits, welfare, etc.,” address a way of being that we all are, or should be, instinctually doing: taking care of ourselves. That makes it a little confusing; the word “selfish” contains both something integral to human safety, and a harsh censure against it.

This is not to say there aren’t people who act within the literal definition of “selfish,” and whoshould be made aware that their behavior is harmful to themselves and others. I’m concerned about the nonliteral, inappropriate use of the word “selfish.” I worry about the people, so wary of incurring condemnation for their actions and receiving the title of “selfish,” that they confuse healthy behavior with unhealthy, and become immobilized.

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The phrase “self-care” is the argument for the necessity of taking care of our physical and emotional well-being, becoming much more popular and widely used in recent years, encouraging people to take better care of themselves: getting regular check-ups, eating healthy foods, getting adequate sleep, enjoying their favorite activities and so on. Even if people are aware of the necessity of self-care, especially in regards to emotional well-being, it may still be hard to do.

We need to take care of ourselves, but too many people don’t. The reasons are numerous; usually stemming from lessons learned in childhood, possibly suggesting a history of neglect, low self-esteem, poor role models, and more than we can consider here. Those deep personal reasons, in combination with society’s excessive concern about not being “selfish,” may stop many people from taking care of themselves in the ways they should.

The truth is, the way the word is misused, everything we do for ourselves could be considered selfish if there is another person who doesn’t want us to do it. But what if the action we are attempting to take is important, healthy, and necessary, and the desire of the other person to stop us from doing it is selfish? No, disregarding others is not an accurate measure to determine whether you are being selfish. Sometimes we must disregard others in order to take care of ourselves. That can be an extremely difficult thing to do.

I’m sure you’ve had numerous experiences of putting your needs ahead of someone else’s: disappointing the cook by resisting the cake, refusing your child to care for yourself, saying no to the friend and yes to you. On the other hand, how many of you have regretfully eaten that cake, given in to the child, or sacrificed your own wishes for your friend’s? And if these are the small choices, how well do we manage the major ones? People acquiesce to having children they don’t want, pursuing careers they didn’t choose, marrying partners they don’t love. This doesn’t lead to happiness for anyone involved.

If we become so afraid to take care of ourselves because we fear being judged, then who is supposed to take care of us? Having received harsh warnings about selfishness, many people become dependent on others for their happiness. They hope others will know what they need and will provide it. This can become a helpless position to be in, hindering the individual’s self-awareness and self-efficacy.

It seems both a heavy burden and a confusing task to ignore your wants and needs and to instead focus on guessing and fulfilling the wants and needs of others, all while expecting others to be doing the same for you. It’s like the adage, “You wash my back and I’ll wash yours,” except that in this case, they can’t wash their backs unless the other person does it for them. Wouldn’t it make more sense if we, who should know ourselves better than anyone else, were responsible for taking care of our own needs?

So my suggestion next time the word “selfish” comes up, either with another person or with you, is that instead of shame and shutdown it leads to thought and exploration. “Selfish” can lead to greater insight into yourself or your relationships. “Selfish” should be examined on a case-by-case basis, examined to see if the accuser is attempting to get their own way, examined as a guide to what you really want, examined to see if you really are being inconsiderate of others, examined in order to generate solutions that could satisfy both parties, or, if that fails, examined to see if your personal need is important enough to you that you must proceed regardless of the other.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” —Oscar Wilde

Having paranoid thoughts does not mean you are crazy. Some people have these thoughts as a result of feeling anxious or stressed. So you have company; other people have feelings like these too. Nevertheless, paranoid feelings are tough to live with and there are ways to help.

First off, you have support from your community. You are lucky that people are standing behind you. I see from your letter that your friends are trying to be helpful and reassuring, and that your family tells you that you are safe. Even though you believe them on the one hand, on the other hand you’re not always sure that they should be believed and you’re still scared. Your folks are telling you that “everything is OK,” but that doesn’t necessarily make it so. People want to make things OK for their loved ones, but reassurance often doesn’t work. It’s like someone is telling you there are no monsters, when they don’t believe in monsters but you do and you know better than they do. What they have to say may not be entirely credible to you, just as you are not entirely credible to them. You might let them know that you are grateful that they want to help, but that telling you everything is OK actually doesn’t work that well. If they truly want to help, they can start by believing that you are having upsetting experiences and that things are not at all OK, as far as you’re concerned. The top way for them to help would be to encourage you to get medical advice, perhaps by accompanying you to the doctor.

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The best course of action is for you to get checked out by a medical doctor who will give you a thorough physical examination to determine if, for example, you have high blood pressure, which can cause many different types of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, as can various types of seizure disorders. Certain substances and recreational drugs can also cause feelings of intense fear and suspicion, so if you do use marijuana, hash, meth, LSD, cocaine, alcohol to excess, etc., be aware that this is a possible side effect of drug use and tell your doctor.

You write that these experiences first began about three years ago, and I wonder if you associate this time to any other events in your life. This is a question that your doctor should ask you. You should be completely open and frank in all your responses to help find out what is going on.

Perhaps your doctor will refer you to someone who specializes in understanding experiences such as yours; that person might determine if you in fact are having paranoid thoughts, and what you might do next. A psychiatrist, if you decide to see one, might prescribe a medication that will help control your anxiety, and/or you might be referred to a psychologist or mental health counselor who will engage in talk therapy with you. The therapist will try to understand the meanings of your experiences.

Often people are frightened of seeing a practitioner who specializes in these kinds of issues, perhaps because of feelings of shame or because they don’t really know what happens in a psychiatrist’s or psychologist’s office. Some folks are afraid that if they are prescribed medication, the medicine will somehow make them different in a way that they don’t want, as though the medicine will take them over, as they also fear the doctor might. People are afraid of losing control, or a sense of themselves.

There is a lot of prejudice and misinformation about emotional issues—we tend to see things as though we are living in a movie, maybe a scary one, but not trying to find out what is going on with oneself is much scarier. Please see a doctor and let me know what happens.

Here are some things people sometimes fear about psychiatry:

1. They will think I am “crazy” and lock me up.
2. They will give me medicine that will make me a zombie.
3. They will take control of my life.
4. People will find out and look down on me.
5. It will affect my work life.
6. It will affect my love life.
7. Movies and video games make this whole subject really scary.

People are scared because they don’t know what actually happens in a doctor’s office. In fact, first you will see your regular doctor who will give you a thorough physical checkup. If the doctor decides it is warranted, you will be referred to a psychiatrist or psychologist or mental health worker. The psychiatrist might prescribe medication. The psychologist or mental health worker will talk with you, and then, working together with you, try to find out the meanings behind your fears and what to do about them.

Thanks for writing. I wish you success!

All my best,
Lynn

Two-thirds of parents admit to spanking their children, and 81% of parents say that it’s sometimes acceptable to spank children. Yet study after study has shown the deleterious effects of spanking. A recent CNN article highlighted some of the worst effects of spanking, and parenting experts continue to emphasize that spanking is not an appropriate discipline strategy.

Spanking and the Child’s Brain

Severe spankings may undermine brain development. One recent study, for example, found that children who were frequently spanked, often with objects like belts, at least 12 times a year for 3 years or more had less gray matter in areas of the brain linked to mental health challenges and addiction. Another study found that children who were spanked by their mothers had fewer cognitive skills compared to other children. Researchers suggest this may be because children who are spanked don’t learn to control their own behavior. Rather than learning impulse control and other important skills, these children are perpetually afraid of being punished by external authorities and may to defer to authority as a result. 

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Other Negative Effects of Spanking

“Many parents spank when they are angry, which essentially teaches children that it’s okay for them to hit if they are large enough and angry enough,” says Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, a GoodTherapy.org parenting Topic Expert. Research backs Malonai up, with studies repeatedly finding that spanking increases aggression and antisocial behavior. One study found that children were 50% more likely to be aggressive by age 5 if they had been spanked more than twice in the previous month. Another study found a link between spanking and adult criminal behavior.

Parents who spank their children argue that some behaviors are so bad that spanking is the only way to teach children to avoid them. Malonai says this is wrong. “If your goal is to change behavior, spanking doesn’t work. In general, punishment has a very low effectiveness rate.” In addition to its ineffectiveness, Malonai points out that spanking can be damaging to the relationship between parent and child, “because spanking may teach a child to be afraid of his or her parent, which can reduce trust and sense of safety.” This lack of trust and safety in childhood influences the attachment style that the child develops, thus influencing his or her relationship patterns throughout life.

Parents who remain unconvinced of the connection between spanking and aggression should note that there are many other reasons not to spank. A 2013 study that found that children who were spanked by their fathers were more likely to have language and vocabulary problems. The same study also found that spanked children were more likely to behave defiantly.

In 2006, the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child moved to end spanking around the world, calling spanking violence against children.

References:

1. Castillo, M. (2013, October 21). Spanking young kids linked to aggressive behavior, language woes by age 9. Retrieved from http://www.cbsnews.com/news/spanking-young-kids-linked-to-aggressive-behavior-language-woes-by-age-9/
2. Kovac, S. (2014, July 23). Spanking the gray matter out of our kids. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/23/health/effects-spanking-brain/
3. Park, A. (2010, May 03). The long-term effects of spanking. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0%2C9171%2C1983895%2C00.html
4. Smith, B. L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
5. Spanking children slows cognitive development and increases risk of criminal behavior, expert says. (2013, December 11). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131211103958.htm
6. Tomoda, A., Suzuki, H., Rabi, K., Sheu, Y., Polcari, A., & Teicher, M. H. (2009). Reduced prefrontal cortical gray matter volume in young adults exposed to harsh corporal punishment. NeuroImage, 47, T66-T71. doi: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.03.005