One of the primary obstacles couples attempt to overcome in therapy is feeling emotionally disconnected. Life tends to get in the way, with careers, kids, home upkeep, and family activities leaving little left over for intimacy. When couples express a lack of connection, I often ask, “Can you tell me about a time when you did feel emotionally connected?” Almost inevitably, the time they describe is before they had children.

One of the most complex challenges that many couples will face is having a child. Having children emotionally revolutionizes a relationship—not just temporarily, but for a lifetime. Not only does the couple need to adjust to the transition from two to three (or more), priorities shift, roles are redefined, and there is a profound change to the level of responsibility and freedom within the relationship and in life itself.

While most couples adjust accordingly, many find that their level of intimacy starts to wane. I am not referring to sexual intimacy per se; I’m referring to emotional intimacy, which of course includes sexual intimacy. Couples who become parents may begin to feel estranged and disconnected.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Reclaiming emotional intimacy after the birth of a child is not always easy. Many people in our culture feel overwhelmed and are overworked. What is it that allows the need for the dishes to be done to take priority over emotional intimacy? The answer may lie in the pursuit of “having it all.” We want to perfect parents, to give our children everything, and for our marriages to be happy, sexually exciting, fulfilled, and emotionally intimate.

For couples to become reconnected emotionally, they need to free themselves from the disproportionate focus on the child. They must accept that they need to schedule time alone for themselves, be it in the form of a date night or getting away every so often for a weekend. While some couples resist the idea of scheduling their time together as opposed to being spontaneous, as they probably once were, it’s a fact that once a couple become parents, they need to be more practical in order to sustain the level of emotional intimacy and connection that keeps a marriage healthy. Sometimes couples need to become industrious, intentional, and creative in their attempts to rekindle the intimacy and passion they once had.

Couples need to recognize how important the component of friendship is to their relationship. We treat our friends with kindness, consideration, and empathy. In order to sustain a happy marriage, couples must not forget the significance of being friends with each other. Unfortunately, couples sometimes treat strangers with more consideration than they treat each other; they take each other for granted.

It’s also worth noting that the small things are significant in sustaining emotional intimacy and connection—things such as a post-it note that says, “I love you,” or sending a text that says, “I’m thinking about you.” Also, I recommend that couples take a small amount of time, even five minutes if that is all they can muster, to be COMPLETELY PRESENT for each other. No technology! They must have eye contact and be genuine in wanting to know how the other is doing. Integrating these small things on a daily basis can help maintain or even boost emotional intimacy and connection. And, of course, it will benefit their sex life as well.

Parenting is difficult enough when you feel fantastic, but when you’re struggling with depression, it can seem downright impossible.

It need not be so, though. Experiencing depression doesn’t mean you can’t be an incredible, loving, smart, and effective parent. In fact, in some ways it can make you a better parent. Because of your depression, you may be extra sensitive to your children’s moods and needs. This can be a great thing!

If you’re a parent with depression, here are 10 things worth considering:

1. Sometimes “good enough” is perfectly fine. You can’t always give 100%. Some days will be harder than others. You don’t have to be a super-parent every hour of every day.
2. Find your tribe. Seek out a group of people who are aware of your condition and can help you through it. This can be an online group, but an in-person group is even better. These are the people you can call when the baby is inconsolable and you’re angry. This is the group that can remind you that your feelings are normal or tell you that you may be overreacting.
3. [fat_widget_right]Find a psychiatrist. If you’re pregnant or nursing, you need an expert who understands how antidepressants may be transmitted and how they could affect your child. Don’t go off your medication without talking to a physician. Some antidepressants are safer than others.
4. Beware of postpartum depression. Educate yourself on the difference between the baby blues and full-blown postpartum depression or psychosis. If you see signs of postpartum depression or psychosis, contact your doctor immediately. If you have thoughts about hurting your child, go to the nearest emergency room.
5. Forgive yourself and your children. Everyone makes mistakes. Be gentle with yourself and the people around you. Depression often masks as agitation, irritability, or anger.
6. You are not your condition. Your depression isn’t the only thing about you. It isn’t even the most important thing. You are a parent and may be any number of other things: a partner, a lover, a friend, an employee, a teammate, etc.
7. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Ask for help from your spouse or partner, friends, an extended family member, someone from your church or congregation, a family doctor, or a mental health professional. You may need a few minutes to talk, a medication change, or someone to take your kids for a few hours so you can seek out a therapist.
8. Lighten things up. Take a break from the news, which tends to focus on heavy and upsetting things. Listen to, read, and watch things that make you feel good, are funny, and don’t stress you out.
9. Live fearlessly. Don’t let depression stop you from doing things or meeting people. That can be easier said than done, but get out there, live large, and experience life with your children.
10. Let your children in. Depending on their ages, you may want to tell your children different things about your condition. The very youngest of children don’t need to be told anything. Around the age of 4, your mood or visits to your therapist may be noticed. You might explain that mommy or daddy sometimes gets really sad and needs help. You can relate it to when your child gets sad and you hold or comfort him or her. Older children may experience your low moods and take them personally. Here, you can use the word depression. Make sure your child knows it’s not his or her fault, and that you are taking care of yourself. If you have a hospitalization, you may choose to tell your child why you’re gone and how it will help. When your children are in their teens, use your depression as a way of explaining the condition and what to watch for. Encourage them to be open if they feel depressed or hopeless. Let them know that if they want a counselor, you will find them one.

No one expects you (or anyone else) to be perfect or “on” continually. Remember, millions of people around the world are experiencing, or have experienced, depression. You’re not alone.

Of course you are concerned! Anytime we see a behavior like that in a child and she or he is unable or unwilling to explain the change, we fear the worst. Your primary responsibility is to protect your daughter. Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

[fat_widget_right]

Since you are working from intuition, it may be worth looking into having an evaluation done with a good, reputable child therapist to explore if anything has happened with your daughter. It is true that you don’t want to plant ideas in her head, but you also want to find out if something scary or inappropriate has happened and help her process it. A good therapist can do that without planting ideas. It may be that your father-in-law has been inappropriate with her. If so, you will want to connect her with professional supports as soon as possible.

Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

It also might be that she had a bad dream about him and is now scared of him. It may be that he was stern with her and she got upset and doesn’t want to engage with him. Without knowing more, it is hard to know how to proceed. I don’t want to diminish your concerns—until you know for certain that he is a safe person for her, absolutely continue to make sure that you supervise their interactions.

How receptive do you think your mother and father-in-law would be to a conversation that explored whether they had noticed a change in the way your daughter is reacting to him? If you approach it from a place of curiosity rather than accusation, you may be able to learn more. If nothing untoward has happened, they may be concerned and confused as well.

That said, if you want to wait to address any of this with them until you have more information, you can certainly do so. You know your family dynamics and should proceed in the safest way possible for everyone, particularly your daughter.

Best of luck,
Erika

The foster care system has a disproportionate number of LGBT youth in its care—the result of so many being abandoned by their parents. This often happens at a time when children most need support and guidance, during their preteens and teens when they are figuring out who they will be as adults. It is the ultimate rejection, and the wounds can last a lifetime.

Regardless of whether the parent-child relationship was good or bad before the child came out, being rejected by those who are supposed to love and protect you unconditionally is devastating. Severe damage is done to self-esteem, trust, security, future relationships, and one’s view of the world.

What would cause parents to legally and morally divest themselves of their responsibilities and emotional ties to their children? The answers lie not in the children, but in society and the parents themselves.

[fat_widget_right]

Mothers are often blamed for any perceived flaws in their children. Many men feel it is a mark against their masculinity to produce a gay child. Other parents feel shame due to religious teachings. Still others are upset that their children don’t fit in with socially prescribed gender roles. They seem to forget that gender roles, clothing styles, and what is perceived as masculine or feminine have changed many times throughout history. It is a misguided sense of shame, a shame so extreme at times that it can be relieved only by disconnecting and distancing from the child.

As a society, we encourage shame in both parents and children by denying LGBT people basic civil rights. This makes a powerful statement that they are somehow “less than” and therefore their neglect is more acceptable. This system has been used against minorities throughout time. In most minority groups, however, parents and children share the minority status and therefore parents will protect and guide their children. In contrast, most LGBT kids have heterosexual, cisgendered parents, making the kids minorities within their own families.

When parents feel shamed by their gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender kids, they typically blame the child instead of looking at their own feelings. They resolve their discomfort by getting rid of what they perceive as the source—the child. Ironically, the parents end up placing the burden of their child’s care on the very society that created the situation. These now-homeless youth are vulnerable to abuse, drug addiction, and prostitution. They have committed no crime, but are treated worse than criminals. The emotional damage is just as painful.

Even those people who come out to their families as adults often face rejection. Many LGBT people create their own substitute families from close friends, and they may have spouses and their own children. They may be content and feel that they have moved beyond the parental rejection to a place where they are valued and loved. This is perfectly possible. Nevertheless, the love and caring of a mother or father is unique, and rejection from them always leaves a scar.

How do we, as a society, stop this abuse? As with all complex issues, there is no one solution. Change has to come through many channels. The LGBT community and its allies need to continue to work for full civil rights. Parents need more education to learn that there is nothing wrong with them or their children. Schools need to expand their education about the LGBT community and their anti-bullying practices. As a society, we have to see the abandonment of LGBT youth as reprehensible.

We need to believe that ALL children are worthy of love and nurturing, from their families and from their communities.

The absence of fathers in the lives of their children is not uncommon. David Blankenhorn (1995), author of Fatherless America, wrote, “The United States is becoming an increasingly fatherless society. A generation ago, an American child could reasonably expect to grow up with his father. Today, an American child can reasonably expect not to.”

As this phenomenon continued to spiral, the 1990s was a time ripe for hundreds of studies of this trend, which has continued. According to a 2011 U.S. Census Bureau study, 24 million children—about one out of every three—do not live with their biological fathers.

The question as to whether absent can be equated with uninvolved has been posed repeatedly over decades by researchers such as Vicky Phares at the University of South Florida and Valarie King and Paul Amato at Pennsylvania State University. It cannot. And yet a number of studies have indicated that nonresident fathers overwhelmingly tend not to engage in frequent contact with their children.

[fat_widget_right]

A preponderance of studies identify at least nine factors influencing a child’s well-being when they do not live with their father—frequency of contact, age and gender of the child, the father’s economic contribution to the child’s life, the quality of the father’s relationship with the child’s mother, socioeconomic variables, education, the quality of the father’s relationship with the child, and the father’s parenting style. Five additional factors I find to be widely neglected are the presence of an alternative, or surrogate, father figure such as a stepfather, variables related to family history, length of time the father has been absent from the child’s home, and the number and presence of siblings.

Back in the ’90s, Phares found signs of increased self-worth in younger children and boys of any age when visits with fathers were frequent and regular, whereas older children and girls of any age showed signs of lower self-worth when visits were more frequent. In her studies, King (1994a) found little support for the hypothesis that father visitation in and of itself has beneficial effects for child well-being, regardless of age or gender, and expressed concern that in circumstances where there exists abuses in the father-child relationship, visitation may do more harm than good.

Rather, King (1994b) pointed to numerous studies that provided evidence that the payment of child support has beneficial effects on educational achievement as well as behavioral adjustment. Several studies have found a stronger influence from economic contributions than any other factor.

Some have studied the quality of the parental relationship in moderating child behavior. One study hypothesized that a child’s contact with his or her nonresident father would decrease the child’s behavior problems when conflict between the father and mother was low, but increase behavior problems when the interparental conflict was high. Fascinatingly, although the hypothesis was supported among boys from divorced families, no support was found among girls (Amato and Rezac, 1994).

Other studies, however, resulted in positive associations of the quality of the parental relationship and child well-being with both boys and girls. For instance, Amato and Gilbreth (1999) noted “several studies have shown that contact with nonresident fathers following divorce is associated with positive outcomes among children when parents have a cooperative relationship but is associated with negative outcomes when parents have a conflicted relationship.”

Upon examining 63 studies of nonresident fathers and their children’s well-being, Amato and Gilbreth (1999) offered this critique: “Without knowing about the behaviors that transpire between fathers and children during visits, how children feel about these visits, or the context in which these visits occur, it is difficult to make predictions about the effects of contact on specific child outcomes.”

They asserted that healthy father-child relationships enhance resilience: “When children feel loved and cared for by parents, their sense of emotional security is strengthened. Emotional security, in turn, helps children cope with stress and makes them less vulnerable to anxiety and depression.”

Many researchers hypothesized that not only the quality of the relationship but the father’s parenting style held significant influence. Amato and Gilbreth (1999) suggested, “The combination of a high level of support with a moderately high level of noncoercive control reflects authoritative parenting—the parenting style most consistently associated with children’s positive development.”

The extent to which authoritative parenting may positively influence child well-being was illustrated in a study by Young, Miller, Norton, and Hill (1995), who found that “fathers’ intrinsic support—reflected in trust, encouragement, and discussing problems—was positively correlated with children’s life satisfaction, but fathers’ extrinsic support—reflected in going out to dinner, buying things, and seeing movies together—was not related to children’s life satisfaction.”

A substantial body of empirical research has examined implications of a father’s absence on a child’s well-being, indicating evidence to support the following conclusions: (1) contact with a child does not necessarily have positive benefits; (2) economic contributions to a child have positive benefits; (3) interparental cooperation has positive benefits; (4) positive emotional involvement with a child has positive benefits; and (5) an authoritative parenting style has positive benefits.

At the culminating of significant research back in the ’90s, a wonderful national organization took shape, committed to raising awareness of this issue and increasing the number of involved, responsible, and committed fathers in our country. That organization is the National Fatherhood Initiative, which has a host of wonderful resources available on its website.

References:

1. Amato, P.R., and Gilbreth, J.G. (1999, August). Nonresident Fathers and Children’s Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marriage and the Family, pp. 557-573.
2. Amato, P.R., and Rezac, S. (1994). Contact with nonresident parents, interparental conflict, and children’s behavior. Journal of Family Issues, 15, pp. 191-207.
3. Blankenhorn, D. (1995). Fatherless America: Confronting our most urgent societal problem. New York: Basic Books.
4. King, V. (1994a, March). Nonresident Father Involvement and Child Well-Being: Can Dad’s Make A Difference? Journal of Family Issues, 15 (1), pp. 78-96.
5. King, V. (1994b, November). Variation in the Consequences of Nonresident Father Involvement for Children’s Well-Being. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 56, pp. 963-972.
6. Phares, V. (1993, December). Father Absence, Mother Love, and Other Family Issues That Need to Be Questioned: Comment on Silverstein (1993). Journal of Family Psychology, 7 (3), pp. 293-300.
7. S. Census Bureau (March 2011). Children’s living arrangements and characteristics. Washington D.C.
8. Young, M.H., Miller, B.C., Norton, M.C., and Hill. E.J. (1995). The effect of parental supportive behaviors on life satisfaction of adolescent offspring. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 57, pp. 813-822.

Participation trophies, praising children for no apparent reason, and encouraging every child to feel special are relatively new developments in parenting culture, and most of us have heard members of older generations decry this parenting style. It turns out that debates about how much adoration children should receive constitute more than a generational divide, though. Children whose parents “overvalue” them are more likely to develop narcissism, according to a study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The Perils of Overvaluing Children

The study—which co-author Brad Bushman says encouraged him to change his own parenting style—recruited 565 Dutch children and their parents. Child participants ranged in age from 7 to 11. Each parent completed a psychological survey every six months over the two-year duration of the study. The surveys asked parents to indicate how strongly they agreed with statements comparing their children to others. For example, a parent might be asked whether his or her child is a good example for others.

Researchers also explored how warmly parents behaved toward their children. Parents answered surveys asking them to indicate whether they took specific steps to make their children feel loved. Children completed similar surveys, indicating whether they agreed or disagreed with statements about their parents’ expressions of warmth and love.

[fat_widget_right]

Researchers then evaluated children’s self-esteem and narcissistic tendencies. Children with high self-esteem believed they were as good and deserving as others. Children with narcissistic tendencies, on the other hand, felt they were better and more special than others. Parents who ranked their children as “more special than other children” or who believed their children deserved more out of life than others had children who scored higher on narcissism measures. Children whose parents were warm and loving were more likely to have high self-esteem, but not narcissistic tendencies.

Researchers believe that parents may tell their children how special they are in an attempt to boost their self-esteem. But children believe what their parents tell them. When parents emphasize that a child is better or more deserving, the child may grow to believe it.

How Much Adoration of Children Is Too Much?

Avoiding excessive adoration doesn’t mean you have to give up praising your child or working to nurture his or her self-esteem. Instead, the study’s authors believe the key is to praise children without making them feel superior to others. This sense of superiority, they say, is what seems to lead to narcissism.

A simple change in parenting style can work wonders. Instead of telling your child he’s the best, smartest, or best-looking, try praising him for his actions and efforts. Compliment your child for working hard to help a friend, for committing extra time to her science project, or for diligently practicing piano. Previous research suggests that praising children for their efforts rather than their results or innate traits encourages them to work harder and be more persistent.

References:

1. Avoid ‘overvaluing’ your child to prevent narcissism. (2015, March 11). Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/290687.php
2. Collins, N. (2013, February 12). Praise children’s effort, not their intelligence. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/9862693/Praise-childrens-effort-not-their-intelligence.html

In my practice, I see many mothers who have lost their only children during pregnancy or early infancy. They show up at my office struggling with grief and feelings of isolation. Some also grapple with infertility and the prospect of never being a mother to a living child.

Many of these mothers have been to multiple therapists or support groups, yet their search for adequate support continues. They report feeling like outsiders in support groups where other women talk about their living children or who are pregnant again after experiencing a loss. They talk about struggling to find a therapist who understands the unique experience of being a mother without living children.

Again and again, these mothers share feelings of invisibility and isolation and the intense grief of having empty arms with no children to fill them. More than anything, they want someone to acknowledge the pain of their loss.

Having an awareness of the unique experience of being a mother without living children is vital in supporting these women. Here are some things therapists should consider when supporting a mother without living children.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

There Is No Guarantee of a ‘Rainbow Baby’

It’s common in the world of pregnancy loss to hear talk about “rainbow babies” (babies born after loss). Often there’s an assumption that moms who have experienced loss will go on to have such babies. Many support groups include discussion of mothers desperately trying to get pregnant again.

I call the idea that another baby will fix a woman’s grief the “myth of the rainbow fix.” Even if a mother goes on to have a living child, it won’t replace the baby she lost or miraculously cure her grief.

More importantly, not all moms who have experienced loss have the option to have another child. Many moms are dealing with the knowledge that they physically or emotionally can’t have another baby. Others tried for years and are struggling with infertility. For many, the baby they lost was a “miracle baby” after years of apparent infertility and trying. Some have accepted that they may never have another pregnancy and have been on adoption waiting lists for years.

Not every mother who loses her child to stillbirth or miscarriage will have another child. Making the assumption that they can or will may be detrimental to the emotional health of these mothers.

Many Need Reassurance That They Are Indeed Mothers

Many mothers who have lost their only baby struggle with whether they are “allowed” to claim the title of mother. Their idea of what it means to be a mother has been suddenly and unexpectedly altered. Being able to claim the identity of mother even though their baby did not survive can be a valuable piece of the healing process.

It’s important to work with these women to redefine what “mother” and “mothering” means to them now that their baby is no longer physically here. In what tangible and intangible ways can they continue to mother their child?

Early Loss Does Not Mean a Lesser Loss

Far too often when a mother loses a baby early in pregnancy or has an ectopic pregnancy, her loss experience is minimized. Many women whose babies died in their first trimesters often feel that their grief is dismissed or invalidated through statements like, “It was so early,” “You didn’t really know it yet,” or, “You just found out you were pregnant, so try not to get too down.”

However, for many women the love and attachment come the moment they know they are pregnant. For others, the attachment and love were formed long before the pregnancy occurred, through years of trying to get pregnant, fertility treatments, or planning to become a mother.

Depth of love has no basis in time.

Questions about Children May Be Difficult to Answer

Many intake assessments and initial sessions for any kind of medical or mental health provider include the question, “Do you have any children?” or “How many children do you have?” For those who haven’t lost a child, this probably seems like a simple and straightforward question. For those who have lost one or more children, it’s often not so simple. Internal debate immediately comes up:

Do I say yes and explain?

Do I say yes, but then what if they ask how old he/she is?

Do I have the energy to go through the story all over again?

Maybe I should just say no, but I always feel so guilty when I do that.

What is his/her reaction going to be if I say I have a child but he/she is dead?

I want to acknowledge my child, but I don’t want to deal with discomfort and that awkward silence.

Gah, I hate this question!

For therapists, I don’t know that there is a good solution for the pain and uncertainty questions like this bring up. However, asking about living children and deceased children separately may make the situation more comfortable for mothers and help them feel more accepted.

Nothing therapists can say or do will completely take away the grief and pain a woman feels after the death of a baby. We can’t fix the ache of not having a living child to hold, raise, and love. As professionals and compassionate human beings, however, we can be more aware and sensitive to the unique experience of being a mother without a living child. Support without judgment or assumptions can go a long way toward healing, not just for these mothers but for anyone in pain.

The transition from being a wife or partner to being a mother with children can be a difficult one. Whereas before you could give all your time and attention to your partner or spouse, hobbies, work, and other pursuits, now there is a demanding baby to care for. Some women feel that during pregnancy they begin to experience “mommy brain” and have trouble with memory. In fact, research shows that women’s brains do shift during pregnancy. A study published in Behavioral Neuroscience showed that there was a small but significant level of growth in the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hypothalamus. These changes are associated with increased worry, obsessively thinking about and caring for the child, and placing a high emphasis on the baby’s needs. Well beyond birth, when the child is a little older and more independent, many women continue to have a difficult time shutting off obsessive thoughts about their child and focusing on being a wife or partner.

As a couples therapist, I hear often how hard it is for women to transition from being constantly involved with their children to being a wife or partner again. It’s completely normal for most women to have some challenge making the transition. After all, just because your children are asleep does not mean that your “mommy” duties are fulfilled. You might have to prepare lunches or fill out permission slips for the next day.

[fat_widget_right]

Just as the husbands and partners of mothers have to adjust to new roles and realities, women, too, have to come to some balance. Even in the throes of parenthood, it is essential to have time together with your partner independent from your children.

Here are some strategies for making the switch from “mommy mode” to “partner mode”:

1. Effectively manage your time. Think about cutting some obligations so you have more time in the evening. Schedule things if you have to, and stick to the schedule. If there’s a task that isn’t a “must-do,” let it go. Make time with your partner a priority, right alongside fixing those lunches. When you’re with your partner, try not to think about anything else and allow yourself to immerse yourself in the moment. A family is only as strong as the partnership.
2. Set aside one or two nights per week for intimacy. Make it a point to head to bed a little earlier than usual a couple of nights a week. (If you’re too tired at night, why not set the alarm for before the kids wake up?) If you set certain nights aside (and you know they are coming), you can train your mind and prepare yourself better. Oh, and just because you are not already in the mood does not mean you cannot get in the mood once you are physically close. Remember: desire does not always come before intimacy. Intimacy can generate desire.
3. Do relaxing activities before bed that don’t have to do with housework or child care. For example, take a hot shower or bath, read a chapter from a novel or peruse a magazine, have some red wine and chocolate, or watch a favorite television show (perhaps one you wouldn’t watch with the kids). These activities will ground you and help you transition to intimacy with your partner, in whatever form that may take.
4. Talk to your partner about your relationship or even “adult” things. Have an intellectual or emotional conversation about current events, work, your passions, or your relationship. Avoid discussing the kids, if possible.

Reference:

Kim, P., Leckman, J. F., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Wang, X., and Swain, J. E. (2010). The Plasticity of Human Maternal Brain: Longitudinal Changes in Brain Anatomy During the Early Postpartum Period. Behavioral Neuroscience, Vol. 124, No. 5. 696-700

It happened. You knew it would, but you didn’t think it would happen so quickly. In spite of any hope you had of slowing down the clock, you woke up one day to find that your child is not so childlike anymore. Suddenly, hormones are raging, romantic feelings are developing, and, of course, it doesn’t stop there. Before you know it, your teen may be entering the dating world.

For many, raising a teenager is the most intimidating chapter of parenthood. Discipline becomes increasingly difficult and may feel impossible to maintain. It’s tough to know when to set rules and when to give freedom, when to bend and when to stand firm, when to intervene and when to let live.

Communication is often one of the trickiest minefields to navigate. It’s a struggle to know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. These conversations and decisions only become more challenging when the time comes for your teen to start dating. As we near the end of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we want to remind parents how important it is to do their part to help prevent teen dating violence and promote healthy relationships.

If you are a parent to a blossoming teen, consider discussing these crucial aspects of relationships with your child before he or she enters into a relationship:

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. Define a Healthy Relationship

Be sure to teach your teen about the foundations of a healthy relationship. Explain that a healthy relationship comes from respect, mutual understanding, trust, honesty, communication, and support.

A relationship should consist of healthy boundaries that are established and respected by both partners equally. A good partner will accept you as you are, support your personal choices, and praise you for your achievements. A healthy relationship also allows both partners to maintain outside interests and friendships, and does not hinder the personal freedom of either partner.

2. Describe the Different Types of Abuse and Associated Warning Signs

There are many different types of abuse your teen should be aware of before entering into a relationship. These include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and digital abuse, as well as stalking.

• Physical abuse occurs when a person uses physical force to harm another, but need not result in visible injuries to qualify. Hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, choking, and using weapons are all forms of physical abuse.
• Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, humiliation, degradation, manipulation, and intimidation. Emotional abuse can involve forced isolation, coercion, or use of fear or guilt to control or belittle.
• Sexual abuse involves any act that directly or indirectly impacts a person’s ability to control their own sexual activity and the conditions surrounding it. It can take many forms, including forced sexual activity, using other means of abuse to pressure one into an activity, and restricting access to condoms or birth control.
• Financial abuse is a form of emotional abuse that uses money or material items as a means of power and control over another person.
• Digital abuse is any form of emotional abuse using technology. A person may use social media, texting, or other technological means to intimidate, manipulate, harass, or bully someone.
• Stalking is persistent harassment, monitoring, following, or watching of another person. These behaviors can be difficult for teens to recognize as abuse, as they may sometimes see it as flattering or believe the other person is engaging in such behaviors only out of love.

If you’re feeling unsure about how to teach your teen to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, or if you would like additional resources on the warning signs of relationship abuse or promoting positive relationships, consider visiting loveisrespect.org.

Loveisrespect is a nonprofit organization that works to educate young people about healthy relationships and create a culture free of abuse. Its website offers a wealth of information for teens and parents and provides 24/7 support via phone, text, or chat.

3. Explain the Differences between Lust, Infatuation, and Love

Distinguishing between infatuation and love can be difficult for many adults; imagine how complicated it can be for a teenager who is experiencing many new feelings for the first time. Take a moment to explain to your teen that attraction and desire are physiological responses that can occur separately from emotions.

Make sure he or she understands that infatuation is not the same as love. Infatuation may give us butterflies, goose bumps, and that “can’t eat, can’t sleep” type of feeling, but it isn’t the same as love. Love takes time to grow, whereas infatuation may happen almost instantly.

4. Talk Realistically about Sex

While it may be tempting to skip this conversation, it’s in everyone’s best interests to talk to your teen about sex. Ask yourself whether you want your teen to hear this information from you or someone else.

On its website, the Mayo Clinic suggests turning the topic into a discussion rather than a presentation. Be sure to get your teen’s point of view and let your teen hear all sides from you. Discuss the pros and cons of sex honestly. Talk about questions of ethics, values, and responsibilities associated with personal or religious beliefs.

5. Set Expectations and Boundaries

It is important to set expectations and boundaries you have now regarding your teen dating rather than defining them through confrontation later. Let your teen know any rules you may have, such as curfews, restrictions on who or how they date, who will pay for dates, and any other stipulations you might have. Give your teen an opportunity to contribute to the discussion, which can help foster trust.

6. Offer Your Support

Be sure to let your teen know you support him or her in the dating process. Tell your teen you can drop off or pick up him or her, lend a compassionate and supportive ear when necessary, or help acquire birth control if that fits with your parenting and personal philosophies. However you intend to support your teen, make sure he or she knows that you are available.

7. Use Gender-Inclusive Language that Remains Neutral to Sexual Orientation

When you open the discussion with your teen about relationships and sexuality, consider using gender-inclusive language that remains neutral to sexual orientation. For example, you might say something like, “Are you interested in finding a boyfriend or girlfriend?” rather than automatically assuming your teen has a preference for the opposite sex. Deliver this language with genuine openness and love.

By opening up the possibility of being attracted to both genders right away, you will not only make it easier for your teen to be open with you about his or her sexual orientation, but you’ll likely make your teen feel more comfortable with his or her identity, regardless of who your teen chooses to date.

8. Be Respectful

Most importantly, be respectful when talking to your teen about dating and relationships. If you communicate with your teen in a gentle, nonobtrusive manner that respects his or her individuality, opinions, and beliefs, then your teen will be much more likely to do the same for you. This helps to create a healthy and open line of communication between you and your child and ultimately could improve your teen’s self-esteem.

9. Know When to Ask for Outside Help

There is help available if you’re struggling to talk to your teen about dating and sexuality. In addition to our advice, there are numerous resources available online to help you start a constructive conversation. Additionally, if your teen is experiencing relationship problems and/or your talks about relationships aren’t going well, consider finding a family therapist who can help mediate the conversations and promote emotional intelligence and healthy behaviors. Teaching your kids what it means to be in a healthy relationship is simply too important of a message to leave to chance and may even save his or her life someday.

References:

1. Sex education: Talking to your teen about sex. (2017, August 2). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034
2. Types of abuse. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse

In a culture saturated with violent images, parents naturally worry about their children and the influence of these images on their behavior. The question of whether being exposed to violent images or interacting with violent computer or video games increases the level of violent or aggressive behavior in children is a subject of much research and debate.

Regardless of how children are affected by depictions of violence in media, it is important to remember that even children who are not exposed to violence on television and do not play violent computer or video games are often still aggressive. In fact, all children have the potential to act aggressively; it is part of our human endowment. As parents, it is our job to monitor and intervene in our children’s aggressive activity so that they (and those around them) remain safe. This can be a confusing and difficult task. However, it is made much easier if we ask ourselves a few basic questions and follow some basic guidelines:

[fat_widget_right]

What Is the Difference Between Aggressive Play and Aggressive Behavior?

With aggressive play:

• No one intentionally hurts another physically or emotionally.
• The play between peers in mutual.
• The children playing understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

With aggressive behavior, one or more of the above guidelines is not followed by one or more of the children involved.

Why Do Children Engage in Aggressive Play?

• Children often feel powerless and frustrated by how little agency or control they have in their lives. Aggressive play gives children a sense of control and mastery over their environment.
• It gives children a way to express certain feelings and desires that they may not have access to or can’t yet put into words.
• It helps children work through their developing sense of right and wrong.

How Do I Handle Aggressive Play?

• Try to take a nonjudgmental attitude. Aggression is a normal part of the human condition and of your child’s emotional life.
• Make sure the situation is safe and mutual and that no one is hurt or scared.
• Keep an eye on the level of stimulation; if it gets too high and you worry it will get out of control, step in and stop/redirect the play.
• Take your own comfort into account; we each have a different tolerance level for aggression.

How Do I Handle Aggressive Behavior?

• Like with play, take a nonjudgmental attitude. We don’t want to shame our children with regard to their aggressive feelings (though we do have to intervene with their behavior).
• Point out to your child when play has become behavior. For example: “It looks like Tommy doesn’t want to play anymore,” or, “I am worried what you are doing is not safe.”
• Try to identify the stressor (if there is one) that is causing the behavior—too much stimulation, difficulty putting feelings into words, etc. If the child is old enough, point out the stressor to the child. Try to resolve stressors when possible (quiet time, giving words to feelings, etc.).
• Set limits! Your child may not be in control of their impulses and may need you to step in.

Some children who behave aggressively need more help feeling safe and in control. When you sense that your child’s aggressive behavior is interfering with the ability to function (at school, with peers or siblings, etc.) or is dangerous or out of control, it may be time to seek professional help from a child therapist or parenting expert. Your child might be struggling with a particularly difficult stressor or developmental challenge and need a bit more help getting back on track.

“Discipline just doesn’t work for my child! We have tried everything and nothing works!”

Does this sound familiar? Are you frustrated that timeouts, positive reinforcement, or even threats don’t seem to be effective at addressing your child’s oppositional behavior? Here are five reasons your attempts at discipline may not be producing the results you would like:

[fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

1. Giving up too soon: One tricky thing about implementing an effective discipline strategy is that things can sometimes get worse before they get better. There is a logical reason for this (no matter how disheartening it may feel): children are smart! They use the behaviors they use because they work. If throwing a fit, crying, and screaming in the store convinces you to buy a toy or treat that you did not intend to buy, then the strategy worked. If that strategy stops working, the child may increase the behaviors—scream louder, cry harder—to attempt to change the outcome. Before the child will abandon the strategy, he or she will have to become convinced that no matter how long or loud he/she screams or cries, it will not accomplish his/her goal. Give a new technique time to work. Behaviors take time to learn and unlearn.
2. Poor execution: Children are not the only ones who need time to learn new behaviors! Parents do, too. Expect that you will make mistakes and that mastering new skills may take some time. Be patient and forgiving with yourself as you try out new strategies. I recommend choosing one skill to focus on at a time. Then, choose one specific issue, event, or time of day that you will practice implementing that skill. Once you have mastered that, consider what skill you would like to work on next.
3. Inconsistency: All too often, parents implement a great strategy but it is not effective because they do not use it consistently. Children need repetition, predictability, and consistency to learn and to feel safe. Consistency is vital to the effectiveness of any discipline strategy. In fact, consistent implementation of discipline is more effective, and predictive of success, than harshness of punishment. Remember, discipline is intended to teach your child. Harsh punishments teach children to hide unwanted behaviors. Consistency teaches children where the boundaries are and allows them to anticipate the consequences of their choices.
4. Stuck in a power struggle: If your child immediately disagrees with everything you say—regardless of what it is—you may be stuck in a power struggle. When parents sense they are losing control, the instinct may be to “tighten the reins” or “crack down” on unwanted behaviors. However, oppositional children rarely respond favorably to micromanagement or coercion. The truth is that it is a developmental task of children to seek independence and learn to express their own will and choices. To a strong-willed or oppositional child, it may feel like an insult to his or her very personhood to lose control of his/her choices. Unfortunately, this can lead to a cycle of increasing escalation between a parent and child who are struggling to gain control.
5. Not following through: You have to mean what you say. There is just no way around it. If you tell your son he can play with Legos after dinner, he should be able to count on the fact that, unless something extraordinary happens, he really will get to play with Legos after dinner. (No, feeling exhausted after dinner does not count as something extraordinary happening!) Telling your daughter that you will put the crayons away for the rest of the day if she colors on the table will be effective only if your daughter believes that you will follow through and put the crayons away. Children have to trust what you say if you want to be able to provide effective guidance or discipline.

As a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) teens and their families during the coming-out process, I am often witness to the reactions parents have to a teen revealing his or her sexual identity. These reactions range from “We suspected for quite a while” to “We had no idea!”

As I work with these families, the expectation is that therapy needs to focus on the issues surrounding the teen coming out. While this support for the LGBTQ teen is vital, in my experience, parents may need just as much support. Parents are often in territory that is new to them and they may not have developed the language to speak effectively and sensitively with their teen, or the awareness to sort through their own changing perspectives.

One of the most basic things that I have parents focus on is that the child they have lived with and known for years is still the same person. One of the most supportive things any parent can offer at the moment of coming out is simply a hug and reassurance that there is still a relationship based on love. Remember that when a teen comes out to his or her family, he or she has probably been thinking about and building anxiety around how that coming-out experience will play out and be received. Simply connecting with the teen will help to relieve some of the anxiety and reassure the teen that there is still space for him or her in the family story.

[fat_widget_right]

It is also important at the beginning to simply listen and support. Even with parents who suspect that a teen may be gay, it is important that they take time to process some of their own feelings before opening up a litany of questions and concerns. When parents are caught completely off guard when a teen comes out, it is vital to offer loving support to the teen and at the same time recognize that there are questions and concerns that there may not be answers to immediately. Parents may need time to adjust to this new information and to process it.

As parents begin the process of unraveling their feelings about their teen’s sexual orientation, it is also a good time to gather information and learn more about what it means to be a member of the LGBTQ community beyond stereotypes and popular conceptions. Parents can join organizations such as PFLAG and gather the latest info regarding LGBTQ teens on the GLSEN website. As parents become more educated, they can release some of their fears and build a foundation for conversation with their teen.

As the process continues, another question that may arise is, “Who gets to know?” The coming-out process is just that, a process, and how the information is disseminated is worth discussing. Often, a teen will come out to one parent first and then ask for that information to be held in confidence for a time. There is no need to force the conversation, and it can help the process a lot if the teen feels like he or she is in charge of who gets to know. It is also common for a sibling, friend, relative, or teacher to know first, so I encourage parents to be OK with the fact they may not be the first to know.

Finally, don’t forget that while it should be a priority to be open and available to converse with your teen about his or her sexual identity, it is not all that he/she is. He or she is still facing all of the same battles and angst that other teens go through as they develop their identity. Be sure to support LGBTQ teens in all their efforts in life, including school, hobbies, sports, friendships, and spirituality. Though it may seem like the coming-out story is the most important thing on the list at the moment, teens are complex, vital, intriguing, and amazing people who are open to guidance, acceptance, and love in all forms and areas.