The loss of a child is often considered to be the most painful, wrenching experience a person can have. The loss of an infant may be sudden and shocking or follow many months of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) visits.

Losing a baby means the loss of dreams for the baby’s future. Parents may feel they were robbed of time to get to know their child. Friends and family may never have met the child. Because infant loss follows a short life, some people find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage—not the loss of a living, breathing child. This can compound the pain and increase stigma.

Though infant loss is often painful and traumatic, it’s possible to find healthy ways to cope. The right therapist can help parents find ways to mourn and honor their child. Therapy is not about forgetting the child or the loss; instead, the goal is to work through the pain of infant loss, move forward, and find ways to seek support from loved ones. Though life may never be the same, a good life is still possible.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, during which organizations across the globe work to support parents who have lost a child.

How Infant Loss Affects Families

The loss of any child is painful, and there is no good time to lose a child. The loss of an infant presents unique challenges and sources of grief. Some common issues include:

• Getting loved ones to understand the magnitude of the loss. Because the child was around for only a short period, some parents find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage, not the death of a child.
• Recovering from trauma surrounding the loss. Many infants die following traumatic births or long NICU stays. Some die of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). In addition to grief, many parents feel exhausted by the trauma they faced leading up to or immediately following the baby’s death.
• Stigma. The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them. For example, a pregnant family member might blame the death of a newborn on a mother’s habits while pregnant. This stigma can lead to feelings of anger, isolation, and guilt.
• Self-loathing. SIDS and accidental injuries, such as falls, are leading causes of infant death. Parents whose children die of these causes may feel guilty or endlessly second-guess themselves, which can trigger immense self-loathing.
• Family trauma. The loss of a baby affects an entire family. Siblings may not know how to process the loss, and parents may feel too overwhelmed by the loss to help their other children cope.
• Relationship difficulties. Parents who have lost a child may struggle to support each other, and sometimes, desperate to understand the loss, they blame one another. Divorce rates are higher among parents who have lost a child.
• Physical challenges. The death of a baby often follows a difficult pregnancy or labor. The mother may suffer injuries along with the baby. Coping with this loss while recovering from these injuries and managing postpartum changes can be challenging.

The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them.

Stigma, Myths, and Other Challenges of Infant Loss

The loss of a baby is tragic enough, yet many families also face stigma and other myths surrounding their loss. Some people mistakenly believe one baby can replace another, so they reassure the parents that they are lucky to already have children or that they’ll one day be able to have another baby. This can undermine the meaning of the baby’s life as a unique individual and may make bereavement worse.

Some other common challenges include:

• Secrecy and stigma. When an older child dies, family members and friends have gotten to meet the child and spend time with them. When an infant dies, many people never get to know the child. Loved ones might not know how to talk about the loss and so may ignore it. This can cause parents to feel stigmatized or that they must process their grief in secret without support.
• Confusion about infant loss. Miscarriage, while tragic in its own right, is not the same as the loss of a baby. No matter how young the baby was when they died, losing a baby is losing a child, not a pregnancy.
• Barriers to bonding with the baby. Pregnancy complications and genetic defects are leading causes of infant loss. Many babies who die spend much of their lives in the NICU. In some cases, a parent might never get to take their child home from the hospital. Some parents never even get to hold their baby. This can complicate grief by making a parent feel that they didn’t get to bond with or comfort the baby.

How to Help Someone Coping with the Loss of a Baby

There’s no cure for the loss of a baby, and nothing can make the pain disappear. Grief in response to this type of loss is normal and understandable, so loved ones should not try to rush the grieving process or encourage parents to “move on.” While it is possible to recover, parents will never forget their baby. Encouraging them to do otherwise is harmful.

Some strategies to help someone who has lost a baby include:

• Encourage your loved one to talk about the baby. Acknowledge the loss rather than hiding from it. Talk about the baby using their name.
• Talk about the baby at milestones, such as the baby’s birthday and holidays.
• Find a way to celebrate the baby’s life with their parents. For instance, help them plan a memorial service or donate to a child welfare charity in the name of the baby.
• Talk about how the baby affected your life if you met the baby. Even newborns have personalities. The baby’s smile, gentle demeanor, or desire to cuddle are all things to highlight.
• Never tell the parents another baby will replace the loss. Don’t compare the death of a baby to a miscarriage.
• Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house. Don’t expect anything in return.
• Encourage other loved ones to talk about and honor the baby. If some family members are not particularly sensitive to the loss, act as a buffer.
• Be sensitive to the physical challenges of recovering from childbirth, especially if the pregnancy was difficult. Help the mother take care of her body by driving her to doctor’s appointments or going to yoga together.
• Consider helping your loved one find a support group. Being with others who have faced a similar loss can be comforting.

Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house.

Therapy for Infant Loss

Therapy can help parents find productive ways to deal with their loss. Some therapists specialize in bereavement therapy that helps parents understand their emotions, work through the loss of their child, and even find meaning in the loss. For some people, the loss of a baby inspires them to support other parents, fight childhood illnesses, or otherwise give back to their community. Therapy can help parents decide what might help them move forward.

Therapy can also help family members and couples support each other. Everyone deals with loss differently. One spouse might want time alone, while the other might need a distraction or lots of hugs. Family and couples counseling can help with identifying these needs and support families to meet one another’s needs.

Therapists gently guide bereaved families through their grief, and a good therapist never tells families to get over the loss. Instead, therapists honor the life of the lost baby while helping grieving parents continue to lead lives of meaning and purpose. Recovery is difficult, but possible. For help navigating the pain of losing a baby, begin your search for a therapist here.

References:

1. For family and friends–how to give support after a stillbirth. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/family-and-friends—how-give-support-after-stillbirth
2. Lyngstad, T. H. (2013). Bereavement and divorce: Does the death of a child affect parents’ marital stability? Family Science, 1(4), 79-86. doi: 10.1080/19424620.2013.821762
3. What causes infant mortality? (2016, December 1). Retrieved from https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infant-mortality/topicinfo/causes

Pregnancy is often considered a joyous and exciting time. But sometimes life has other plans. Death, natural disasters, and other changes can lead to grief or trauma at any stage of life. Grief can be an unwelcome visitor in a time often filled with anticipation. It also comes with a long list of symptoms that tend to be unpleasant.

It is normal to worry about how grief may affect pregnancy. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself grieving during these crucial nine months.

Grief and Mental Health During Pregnancy

Grief is not the same as depression, but the two can share some symptoms. A person affected by grief during pregnancy may have a different experience than someone working through a mental health issue like depression. This article specifically addresses grief. But is it important to be able to distinguish between the effects of each condition. There are different approaches to managing grief and depression. Pinpointing what you experience may better help you address it: [fat_widget_right]

• Depression and similar mental health issues are often long-term. They do not always have a single cause. Professional treatment may be required to mitigate their effects.
• Grief is a period of intense sorrow or mourning. It may last for a shorter period, although this is not always the case. Usually, it occurs after a specific and sometimes traumatic life event. Grief can act in much the same way as other stressors. These stressors can trigger physical symptoms that may affect pregnancy.

Causes of Grief During Pregnancy

Miscarriage may come to mind when the topics of pregnancy and grief are discussed. This life event is indeed a source of grief worth acknowledging. But it is not the only reason for someone to experience grief during a pregnancy. Some sources of grief may have nothing to do with the pregnancy and still affect it.

Other causes of grief can include:

• Death of a close relative, sibling, partner, or child
• Unemployment
• Divorce or breakup
• Lack of shelter or poverty

Health complications for the mother or child during pregnancy can also cause grief. Any of these can effect physical symptoms that could impact a pregnancy. These life events may start a shock reaction in the body. Shock can affect pregnancy in a way similar to grief or stress.

How Grief Affects Pregnancy

Grief can affect pregnancy through its impact on hormone balance and production. Pregnancy already has an effect on hormones. When pregnancy and grief take place at the same time, hormonal changes may have more extreme effects.

The impact of grief can be varied, but there are some common patterns. Grief can cause an imbalance in serotonin production. It also raises the body’s cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. Fetuses can be susceptible to these changes. Disruptions in regular chemical production may have effects that last throughout a pregnancy. In extreme cases, these effects may impact the child’s life later on.

Grief can also worsen symptoms that typically come with pregnancy. These could include aches and pains, sleep issues, and digestive problems. Combined with a sudden loss, these symptoms may become more intense. If you are worried about any these symptoms, consult your health care provider.

Potential Risks of Grief During Pregnancy

Some symptoms of grief may increase certain risks associated with pregnancy. Most of these risks only occur if the grief is severe. Some of these risks include:

• Developmental delays. Some research suggests that stress during pregnancy could cause developmental delays for the child. This may be the case primarily for intense stress, or grief caused by losing a loved one suddenly. One study showed that pregnant mothers who lost a parent were at a higher risk for having a caesarean. Their babies were also found to be slightly smaller in weight. The weight difference was more likely to impact males than females.
• Future mental health issues. Fetal programming is a term for how the environment outside the womb can affect a fetus. This can have a long-lasting impact on how a child develops later in life. A period of intense grief in pregnancy may translate to a greater chance of neurodevelopment issues for the child. These issues could include anxiety, ADHD, and impacts on cognitive function.
• Increased likelihood of stillbirth. A 2013 study found those who had experienced five or more stressful life events within the year were more likely to experience a stillbirth. Both a high level of severity and frequency of stressful events were required to influence a stillbirth.

These risks may sound scary, but they are still relatively uncommon. There are also many ways to reduce the effects of grief. Learning to manage grief in healthy ways while honoring the grieving period may help. Good coping strategies can reduce the effects of grief on a pregnancy.

Can Grief Be a Positive Influence?

Grief does not only increase the risks of pregnancy. A little stress may actually promote a positive outcome. A 2006 study found that mothers who reported stress or symptoms of grief during pregnancy had children with more advanced motor skills and development. The sample population for this study was small and focused on low-risk pregnancies. Deep or sudden grief brought on by a series of traumatic events did not factor into this study.

Studies like these may still provide hope for those going through grief and pregnancy at the same time. Keeping up with medical appointments, working with a therapist, and using healthy skills to cope with grief may prove beneficial. Doing these things can continue to increase a child’s chances for a healthy and happy future.

How to Cope with Grief During Pregnancy

One of the best ways to maintain a healthy pregnancy during the grief period is to care for oneself. Reach out to your support network and practice regular self-care. These habits can help reduce stress and bring comfort when feelings of grief are intense. They may also provide a nurturing environment for the baby throughout the pregnancy.

Some methods of coping with grief during pregnancy include:

• Seeing a licensed therapist
• Attending couples counseling with a partner
• Talking with trusted friends
• Taking a relaxing bath or nap
• Practicing gratitude, journaling, or meditation
• Listening to music that makes you feel good
• Telling the baby stories about your loved ones
• Taking walks with your partner or a friend

There is one thing it may help to avoid if you are grieving and pregnant: worry. Obsessing over whether grief may affect a pregnancy is likely to cause further stress. Increased stress may worsen symptoms and make pregnancy more difficult. If you are struggling with feelings of grief or stress during pregnancy, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. They can teach you skills to manage grief and address any anxiety you may experience about your pregnancy.

Practicing self-care may facilitate a healthy pregnancy whether grief is present or not. It is not necessary or even natural to feel gleefully happy throughout an entire pregnancy. But managing strong or negative emotions may lead to less stress and more balance.

References:

1. Black, S. E., Devereux, P. J., & Salvanes, K. G. (2014). Does grief transfer across generations? In-utero deaths and outcomes. IZA. Retrieved from http://ftp.iza.org/dp8043.pdf
2. Dealing with grief during pregnancy. (n.d.). Pregnancy Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.pregnancymagazine.com/mom/dealing-with-grief-during-pregnancy
3. DiPietro, J. A., Novak, M. F. S. X., Costigan, K. A., Atella, L. D., & Reusing, S. P. (2006, May 9). Maternal psychological distress during pregnancy in relation to child development at age two. Child Development, 3(77), 573-587. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00891.x
4. Glover, V. (2013, August 6). Effects of prenatal stress can affect children into adulthood. The Conversation. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/effects-of-prenatal-stress-can-affect-children-into-adulthood-16332
5. Glover, V. (2011). The effects of prenatal stress on child behavioural and cognitive outcomes start at the beginning. Retrieved from http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/stress-and-pregnancy-prenatal-and-perinatal/according-experts/effects-prenatal-stress-child
6. Oberlander, T. F. (2012). Fetal serotonin signaling: Setting pathways for early childhood development and behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2(51), S9-S16. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.04.009
7. Rettner, R. (2013, March 27). Stress in pregnancy boosts stillbirth risk. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/28229-pregnancy-stress-stillbirth.html

If you have ever lost a loved one, you have most likely experienced grief. Grief is an intense feeling of sadness or sorrow. It is generally brought on by the loss of something or someone. The end of a long-term relationship, like a divorce, or the death of a family member may cause grief.

Grief is not always thought of as a full-body experience. But just as grief can affect mental health, it can also have physical aspects. Physical symptoms may not come with every kind of grief. But intense grief—for example, that caused by the death of a child or partner—can bring about side effects that may feel more physical than anything else.

Grief can trigger a number of mental health symptoms and issues. These might include depression, loneliness, and anxiety. The line between the grief period and a mental health issue may be hard to define. It can help to consult a trusted therapist or counselor if you are having trouble with grief or similar feelings.

Knowing which symptoms of grief to watch for may allow you to soothe and address any effects you experience. [fat_widget_right]

1. Heart Problems

Heart problems can be brought on by intense stress in a variety of situations. But there are particular heart risks associated with grief. One study found the death of a loved one to increase a person’s chance of a heart attack.

There’s also a specific temporary syndrome brought on by the death of a loved one called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or “broken heart syndrome.” Broken heart syndrome is caused by a disruption in the blood being pumped to one section of the heart. Because of this, it mimics the effects of a heart attack—chest pain and shortness of breath—but is temporary. People with broken heart syndrome can undergo treatment for it. They may also choose to wait for the syndrome to reverse itself in a few weeks.

It is important to note that if you experience chest pain or shortness of breath over a long period of time, you should consult your doctor for deeper causes. This is true for any other severe or long-lasting physical effects of grief.

2. Lowered Immunity

Some people catch colds or come down with the flu during times of immense stress. They may notice they are more susceptible to these same ailments during a period of intense grieving. This is because in adults, grief can lower the immune system.

A 2014 study found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically due to the loss of a spouse, could not maintain a stress hormone balance. As a result, they experienced reduced neutrophil function. This means that during the grieving process, older adults are less likely to produce some types of white blood cells, leaving them prone to infections.

3. Body Aches and Pains

Aches and pains are a common physical symptom of grief. Grief can cause back pain, joint pain, headaches, and stiffness. The pain is caused by the overwhelming amount of stress hormones being released during the grieving process. These effectively stun the muscles they contact. Stress hormones act on the body in a similar way to broken heart syndrome. Aches and pains from grief should be temporary. If they persist over the long term, consult your physician.

4. Digestive Issues

The digestive tract can be sensitive to times of intense stress. It can be all too common to seek comfort in food during stressful periods or to experience a queasy stomach when anxious. Grief inspires these symptoms and others, such as a loss of appetite, weight loss, binge eating, nausea, and irritable bowel syndrome.

Knowing these symptoms are caused by grief can help alleviate them. When you feel an urge to eat when sad or notice you haven’t eaten all day because of that same sadness, it can be a good indicator to call a trusted friend or licensed mental health professional to set up an appointment.

5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Overeating or not eating enough during the grieving process is only one unhealthy coping mechanism people may experience. Some can be more harmful than others. People may turn to alcohol or cigarettes, the overuse of which can have long-lasting effects on the liver and lungs.

Others may engage in self-harming behavior, drug use, or other high-risk behaviors. All of these coping mechanisms can have intensely damaging, long-lasting effects on the body and brain. If you find yourself frequently engaging in behaviors like these to cope with grief, it is crucial you reach out to a trusted friend or licensed professional for help.

6. Sleep Problems and Fatigue

A 2017 study found that spouses who were bereaved by suicide had a higher risk of developing sleep issues. Sleep is supposed to be when the body and brain rest and repair themselves. Sleep disruption during grief can be especially frustrating. It can be debilitating to constantly feel both sad, anxious, and exhausted. Insomnia can be a common occurrence in those who are grieving. But it should only be temporary. A continued inability to sleep regularly or feel rested should be reported to your doctor.

When Grief Becomes a Cycle

Many people aspire to finish grieving and move on with their lives in a healthy way. But some may find this is harder than expected. It is possible for grief to become a cycle. Sometimes memories of loss or of a lost loved one may light up the reward receptors in the brain. This means that moving on or “letting go” can be much more difficult. Those memories and the grieving process can feed into an addictive feeling.

A cycle of grief can take a toll on a person’s physical and mental health. Continuing the grieving process for a long period of time means a person’s risk for long-term health problems is increased. What could have been a short-term symptom—chest pain, stomach aches, or sleep problems, for example—can manifest in much more serious ways. These could include heart disease, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Managing Grief

It is important to seek help if you need it to regulate your mind-body connection. What gets thrown out of whack during the grieving process can, in fact, get back on track.

Building a healthy routine can be a first step to mitigating some of the physical symptoms of grief. Regular exercise and a nutritious diet can help with pain, heart risks, digestive issues, and sleep patterns. Talking about grief with family and friends or a licensed mental health professional can help address the grief directly. Doing so may also foster the development of healthy coping skills.

It is important to remember you are not alone. Asking for help may an important step during the grieving process. It can take time to heal, and that is normal. Grief cannot be rushed. But with love and compassion from family, and the help of a therapist, grief can come to an end.

References:

1. Addicted to grief? Chronic grief activates pleasure areas of the brain. (2008, June 22). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080620195446.htm
2. Broken heart syndrome. (2016, November 5). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617
3. Erlangsen, A., et al. (2017). Association between spousal suicide and mental, physical, and social health outcomes. JAMA Psychiatry, 74(5), 456-464. doi: 10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2017.0226
4. Gahles, N. (2016, November 22). The physical trauma of grief and loss. Retrieved from https://www.integrativepractitioner.com/topics/news/body-trauma-grief
5. Mostofsky, E., Maclure, M., Sherwood, J. B., Tofler, G. H., Muller, J. E., & Mittleman, M. A. (2012, January 23). Risk of acute myocardial infarction after death of a significant person in one’s life. Circulation, 3(125), 491-496. doi: 10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.111.061770
6. Qin, H., Cheng, C., Tang, X., Bian, Z. (2014, October 21). Impact of psychological stress on irritable bowel syndrome. World Journal of Gastroenterology, 20(39), 126-131. doi: 10.3748/wjg.v20.i39.14126
7. Vitlic, A., Khanfer, R., Lord, J. M., Carroll, D., Philips, A. C. (2014, August 29). Bereavement reduces neutrophil oxidative burst only in older adults: role of the HPA axis and immunesenescence. Immunity & Ageing, 11(13). doi: 10.1186/1742-4933-11-13

Most of us work for most of our lives. The relationships we develop through our work take up a lot of our time and emotional resources. Even though these are almost universal truths, we rarely consider the impact of grief and loss in the workplace.

There are many types of grief and loss that can occur in one’s work environment. For the purposes of this article, I will offer tips on how to deal with the death of a coworker.

Anytime a person dies, other people’s lives are impacted. Most of the time, there is a direct impact on the people with whom they worked. Whether the deceased person worked at the local grocery store or was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, someone they knew will struggle with the news.

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Three tips for coping with grief and loss in the workplace:

1. Be Conscious and Clear

When a colleague dies, it can rock the very foundation upon which the daily tasks of the workplace are built. Showing up to the office and having the person there one day and gone the next can be devastating.

As a society, we are taught to rationalize, avoid, or push pain away. We are taught that death is something we shouldn’t talk about. These learned behaviors, while temporarily “useful” in avoiding pain, actually create shame, fear, and isolation around the loss.

Being conscious and clear about the death of your coworker includes acknowledging the truth to yourself and others. It includes being a safe person with whom others can open up about their feelings and fears related to the loss. It involves consciously allowing yourself to personally grieve.

If you are a supervisor or manager, being conscious and clear means having an open-door policy in the days and weeks after the loss. It means being candid about the circumstances, as long as the desires of the person’s family are respected. But it goes beyond that.

While the work must go on, honoring the emptiness is important. Pushing people right back into productivity mode without properly processing the loss as a unit may not only be detrimental to workplace culture, it may ultimately decrease productivity. Taking the time to work through it together is likely to build more trust and community.

2. Encourage Focused Feelings

If you’re a boss in an environment where someone has passed, it is your responsibility to facilitate support for employees. If the death was sudden and tragic (such as an accident or suicide), it is crucial that you hire a mental health professional to come in and be available. If the work environment is too small to have an employee assistance program (EAP) with grief support, there are professionals who offer private sessions and/or group counseling after a workplace loss.

If the loss wasn’t unexpected (such as a long-term battle with cancer), your approach might be different. It might include an opportunity for your team to meet (either in or out of the office) to share stories about the colleague, or even a personalized office memorial.

While the work must go on, honoring the emptiness is important. Pushing people right back into productivity mode without properly processing the loss as a unit may not only be detrimental to workplace culture, it may ultimately decrease productivity.

Even though, for some of us, our coworkers can be our best friends, that doesn’t mean there is crossover between office friendships and family connections. For this reason, I recommend office-focused memorialization. While attending a family-led memorial service might be healing, it may not be enough.

If an office-focused memorial isn’t an option, other ideas for group processing include getting together at a local restaurant and sharing favorite memories; convening at a colleague’s house and sharing a meal in the deceased person’s honor; having a day where you all wear the person’s favorite color; or purchasing new office plants as a symbolic reminder that growth, despite the current pain, will eventually come.

These are just a few ideas to start with. You worked with the person. You knew them. Perhaps try a variation on any of these ideas that suits the spirit of your departed coworker.

3. Get Help

The most obvious thing many people think of when it comes to getting outside help is to hire an in-office therapist. Hiring an in-office therapist, especially for serious reactions and trauma related to grief and loss, is a great option, but it isn’t the only one.

Perhaps you work in a place that doesn’t allow for emotional processing. Maybe you work in a small operation where it’s only you and the person who passed away. If your work environment doesn’t offer support or isn’t conducive to processing grief, consider finding your own therapist so you can safely work through your emotions.

Depending on where you live, there might be local support groups. Some of these groups are led by professionals, others by community members who experienced similar losses. Many of these groups are inexpensive; some are free.

If you don’t have access to local therapists or support groups, there are virtual therapists and groups. The important thing to remember is you don’t have to (and shouldn’t) go through this alone.

Losing a colleague can be extremely painful. It is normal to be sad, confused, and even devastated over the death of someone you spent so much time around. Your experience, your feelings, and your grief matter.

One of life’s greatest joys can be connecting to another soul in what may sometimes feel like a lonely world. A good relationship can be a landing on which to fall when the inevitable pains of life strike; a safe harbor to point us home when we feel lost; a standing Saturday night date. So, what happens when the one you’ve always relied on to soothe your pain in times of hardship is the source of that very pain? When the agony of a broken heart feels like the stabbing of a thousand knives, how do we even begin the healing process?

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Losing a loved one through a separation such as a breakup or divorce can feel as devastating as losing someone through death. Below are some of the stages of grief and some steps to get through it. Although knowing what you will experience will not take the pain away, it may remind you that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, others have likely felt it before. Just as those before you made it through, you can come out on the other side of pain.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial

In times of mourning or loss, we tend to idealize people or situations. In the case of a breakup, we may find ourselves remembering only the good times, while conveniently forgetting why things didn’t work out. Remembering the good is healthy, so long as we “keep it real” and see things as they really were—the good and the not-so-good.

2. Angst

The emotion referred to here is a universal stage of intense sadness that most of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. It is separate from clinical depression, which may require professional help. Barring a clinical diagnosis, when it comes to healing the pain of a broken heart, time is our strongest ally.

3. Anger

Depending on the circumstances of a breakup, we may feel anger toward the partner we perceive has hurt us. We may indulge in feelings of self-righteousness and fantasize of retribution. That is, until we remember “it takes two to tango.”

Barring cases of abuse, in most relationships, both parties play a role. So, if we look closely enough, we may find the anger we are directing outward is really anger we hold toward ourselves. “How dare they do this to me” turns into “How could I have allowed this to happen?” In either case, blame is rarely the answer.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Find forgiveness and meaning.

Forgiveness is often an essential part of the healing process, whether it is for yourself or the partner who may have “wronged” you. Everything ends, including life. Some people spend their lives never having found love.

If you have had love walk into your life at least once, some people would consider you lucky. Of course, if you’re still reeling from the pain of a broken heart, you may feel anything but lucky. However, once the wounds heal and the pain begins to dissipate, you may feel differently.

2. Be your own safe harbor.

As I mentioned above, life is impermanent. So are relationships. Whether through death or a breakup, every relationship will eventually end. Knowing and accepting this harshest of realities—as impossible as it may seem—could serve you well.

Relationships are essential to our well-being. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. For the rest of your life, the only one who is guaranteed to be there is yourself. Ultimately, learning to be your own safe harbor can help your healing process.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

One of the many injustices of being human is often we can’t heal without pain. Sometimes to get to the good stuff, we have to endure the bad. As children, if we had a splinter, the idea of someone sticking a tweezer under our skin to get it out didn’t sound so appealing. But to avoid the chance of an infection, we had to endure the temporary sting. The same principle can be applied to psychological pain.

Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

If you need a box of chocolate, or a night of mindless Netflix binging, you can allow yourself that. This is not to encourage self-destructive behavior. Instead, it is a brief reprieve, a moment of indulgence we all deserve every now and then.

But at some point, allow yourself to feel. You can come home, collapse onto the cold kitchen floor, and bawl your eyes out to the point of exhaustion if that helps. Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

4. Get back up again.

Once you do this, you can pull yourself off that cold kitchen floor. Even if it takes a week or a month, eventually you will be able to get back up and remember your greatness. Not the greatness of ego or arrogance, but the greatness in all of us. Even if you’re unable to see it at times—much like the sun on a foggy day—it doesn’t mean the greatness is not there. It will still be there when you are ready to stand back up and live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to let the fear of pain stop you. Suffering is a part of life, but in the end, it can make you stronger.

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, parent, or friend, your grief may take many different forms. It can be debilitating, causing your life to come to a screeching halt while you endeavor to sort out your feelings about the loss of a person who was such an important part of your life. At the same time, it might be a relief, a rejoicing that your loved one is no longer suffering from illness or pain.

Complicated grief is a complicated mixture of emotions, and it can keep us off balance and further the grieving process in ways we didn’t expect. This can go on indefinitely. There’s no timeline for grief—it continues for as long as we need to process our feelings and adjust ourselves to life without that person. If we experience regret over things we may have left unsaid, if we had unresolved issues with that person, it may take a while to come to terms with that.

Honoring Those We Have Lost

One thing that often comes up among the people I work with is their desire for a real way to honor their lost loved ones. Doing something concrete and meaningful that pays tribute to the life that was lost is one way people are often able to find closure. If the person who passed away didn’t leave a clear legacy to carry on, such as charity endowments or a pet cause, a bereaved person can still honor their memory by taking what they remember to be the best part of their loved one and making an effort to share those qualities and attributes in their everyday life. There isn’t much more of a fitting memorial to a loved one, in my opinion, than the continued sharing of those things that mattered to them most. [fat_widget_right]

Do good works and service.

Doing acts of service in the name of your loved one is a great way to honor their memory. Not only does it generally feel good to help others, we all have something we can give, whether this something is money, time, advice or mentoring, or even simply a listening ear. Each act of service can be a tribute to your loved one, and this tribute can help you to find a purpose for your grief.

Carry on their work.

If your loved one had a cause that was important to them, you can honor their life and memory by continuing their work. Working on issues your lost loved one felt passionate about is a wonderful way to remain connected and help keep their memory alive after they have passed. Directing your grief and loss into something real and positive that can make a difference may not only help you work through your pain but also establish something lasting that will keep their cause alive.

Develop what they admired.

Which of your particular strengths or qualities did your loved one see in you and admire and point out? Consider trying to direct your energy into developing those qualities to honor your loved one as you go forward in life. If your kindness was what drew them into contact and friendship with you, then continue to be kind. If they admired your honesty and forthright attitude, continue to be genuine and authentic with those you meet. This type of personal development serves both as a way to grow and develop your own goodness and to keep your loved one close in mind and heart.

Directing your grief and loss into something real and positive that can make a difference may not only help you work through your pain but also establish something lasting that will keep their cause alive.

Develop in yourself what you admired in them.

A friend of mine recently lost a friend and coworker to a tragic car accident involving a drunk driver. She was understandably angry and bitter about the driver, as their actions led to the loss of her dear friend. When we talked about her feelings, I encouraged her to channel her anger into a positive direction and to think of the legacy her friend had left for the world.

As it turned out, the woman who died had been a social worker and advocate for the poor who was known for her warm and giving personality. She had radiated joy and happiness to everyone she met. My friend resolved to transform her anger by spreading the warmth and happiness her friend had embodied, and her grief began to change into resolve when she realized that anger and bitterness were likely not the inheritance her friend wanted to leave.

It’s not easy to see beyond the pain when we lose someone we love. It’s certainly expected that we are likely going to be in a place of hurt and anguish for some time. I want to restate that no one can put a timeline on the grieving process, as each person must be able to fully grieve for as long as they need to. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, not for everyone, but time can often be helpful by changing your perspective and helping you realize you do have the ability to live without that person in your world.

Finding ways to honor your loved one’s memory, and giving a purpose to your pain by learning to transform negative emotions to positive results, are positive and helpful steps toward making peace with the fact that your loved one is gone. If you struggle with the grief process, or with finding ways you can keep your loved one’s memory alive, a compassionate and qualified counselor can offer help and support.

I do not like to suffer, and I do not like for others to suffer. I avoid unnecessary suffering as much as possible, and as a therapist I try to help people to see and stop the unintentional, accidental things they do that add unnecessary suffering to their life. To me, that is one of the most realistic benefits of therapy, and I am always happy when I can help with that.

If I’m honest, though, when I first approached training to be a therapist I was possessed by the fantasy that therapy could create a suffering-free and, if I stay honest, perfected life. I remember reading a quote by Sigmund Freud in which he said the goal of analysis was to help the person overcome “neurotic misery” so they can deal with “normal human unhappiness,” and I wondered, “Why is Freud so pessimistic?” I had the fantasy that therapy could make us somehow super-human, able to transcend “normal human unhappiness”—the aches, pains, and anxieties that come with living. Over time, I have come to see that (1) I was somewhat deluded, and (2) I am not the only one who suffers under that fantasy.

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In fact, many of us long to transcend our humanity, to somehow outsmart or shortcut the painful stuff that is built into life—the loss of loved ones through their death or ours, the breakdown of our bodies, the inevitability of failure, pain, loss, and frustration, the impossibility of endless perfection or bliss, etc. Those things sound terrible, so no wonder we long to somehow avoid them. However, when we start asking ourselves, others (e.g., our therapists), and life to somehow grant us the power to not suffer the realities of human life that we all face, we are in pursuit of an impossible and potentially self-destructive goal.

When we refuse to suffer, we refuse life on life’s terms, imperiling our relationship with the realities around us. What are the consequences of trying to actualize the fantasy that we are somehow bigger than suffering, or that we can somehow not suffer in a perfect life? Is some suffering possible to overcome or do we have to accept all the suffering in our lives? What suffering is necessary and unavoidable, and what kind of suffering is not? What happens to our therapy when we give ourselves and our therapists the magic task of making life into something it’s not—perfect and comfortable? We can explore some of these questions here.

Ways We Refuse to Suffer

If some suffering is simply built into life, what are the ways we try to avoid suffering? There are many, but most are based in the psychological defense mechanism known as denial.

Remember the now-famous meme of the cartoon dog, sipping coffee as the room is burning around him, saying, “This is fine!”? The dog’s reaction is profoundly human, and perhaps that’s why it’s so funny to us. We, too, have the ability to un-see the painful or anxiety-provoking things we see, to un-feel those bad feelings, and to undo our reality through denial. Under the influence of denial, our house may still burn down, but we will not experience (read: suffer) the emotional impact of it.

Denial can take many forms in our efforts to refuse suffering: We can deny our love of someone so we won’t suffer the pain of their loss. We can deny our feelings are important so we will not suffer pain when we are cruel to ourselves or treated cruelly by others. We can deny the humanity of others so we will not suffer guilt when we harm them. We can even deny that life is real in an effort to not suffer the aches and pains that come with living.

As a species, we are highly capable of denial, and we often do it unintentionally and automatically. But what price do we pay for this way of (not) dealing with reality?

Costs of Refusing to Suffer

What happens when we deny our feelings and our reality and refuse to suffer? We certainly experience a temporary no-feeling state that can be blissful, or even a kind of excited feeling of perfection, and that can be comforting or even addictive. We can go on in denial for a long time.

But like the dog in the meme, the house keeps burning around us no matter how long we deny it. Denial of loss and refusal to suffer the grief of loss does not make the loss any less true or real. Denial of our pain and refusal to suffer it will not take the damage caused by a cruel tormenter away; it will make us perfect victims. Denial that our lives are real and important, and refusal to bear the feelings that come with reality, leaves us in an aimless state, unable to connect to our desires and pursue things we might want.

Good therapy can help us learn to suffer and learn from the unavoidable pains of life, and help us see and stop our tendencies to add extra, unnecessary suffering to life. However, the process of learning about ourselves, our feelings, and our lives can be painful in and of itself, as can the process of change.

Fundamentally, refusal to suffer makes it impossible for us to learn from our experiences: If I never experience the pain of my hand being burned by the stove, how can I learn not to do it again? If I never feel the stinging pain of someone hurting me, how can I realize the importance of setting a protective boundary with them? If I deny the pain I cause myself through self-attacking thoughts or self-harm, how can I develop the compassion and concern for myself that I will need in order to stop?

If we refuse to suffer the feelings that come with life, we may not fully learn about ourselves, the people around us, and our environment. Without opening up to the experience of all our feelings, we will never learn the “rules” of reality, the limitations of being human, the costs and benefits of our behaviors, and as a result we will fail to adapt. We will be in a chronic state of “surprise” when we keep doing things the same way, not experiencing and learning from the consequences of our actions, and then keep getting the same result.

If we refuse to suffer, we will fail to learn from the experiences that create our suffering. We can further wonder: if we refuse to bear the pains that come with life, can we truly be available to experience the joys? What happens to our lives if we don’t learn from our joyous experiences either?

Is Suffering Inevitable?

Some suffering in life cannot be avoided. The emotional suffering attached to everything—from accidentally stubbing one’s toe to saying goodbye to our loved ones and to life at the moment of our deaths—is a built-in part of the human program. We can avoid our feelings about these experiences through denial, but they happen to us no matter what.

But not all suffering is so inevitable. In life, we can create additional suffering beyond what is simply required. Paradoxically, one of the major ways we add unnecessary suffering to our lives is through the ways we try to avoid the necessary suffering. Here’s how:

• If I use drugs or alcohol to numb myself to the pain of a loss, rather than bearing the grief of that loss, then I have created additional suffering and damage in an effort to avoid the unavoidable suffering and damage that life created.
• If I tell myself “I’m fine” after my partner has hurt me, my denial of the suffering my relationship has caused me allows me to perpetuate additional suffering by staying in hurtful relationships.
• If I refuse to suffer the anxiety I feel when I am not taking good care of myself, I may not feel a need to change and will likely create more suffering as I continue to hurt myself.

We never intend to add long-term suffering to our lives when we choose short-term ways to refuse suffering, but this is often the result. The unintended consequences of our refusal to suffer what life is presenting us often lead us to seek therapy. In therapy, our task becomes to stop avoiding and denying these very real pains and anxieties, face our feelings, and learn to bear the suffering that is a natural, unavoidable part of our lives, so we can put an end to the suffering that we add to life through avoidance and learn to live with the suffering we cannot control.

Refusing to Suffer in Therapy

Good therapy can help us learn to suffer and learn from the unavoidable pains of life, and it can also help us see and stop our tendencies to add extra, unnecessary suffering to life. However, the process of learning about ourselves, our feelings, and our lives can be painful in and of itself, as can the process of change. In order to change, we may be required to suffer feelings we would rather avoid. What happens when our impulse to avoid or refuse suffering shows up in our therapy?

Our desire to refuse or avoid the built-in sufferings of life can show up in therapy in a variety of ways. We can ask our therapist to “teach” us some “skill” or give advice with the hope they know some magical routine or mantra that will help us avoid the unavoidable or numb us to what we all must feel. We can prefer the fantasy that we can learn from the therapist’s experience rather than experience or suffer life for ourselves. We can ask the therapist to answer questions there are no answers to yet, hoping we won’t have to bear the pain of not knowing or do the hard work of finding out for ourselves. We can take on a passive role, hoping the therapist will change us, with the secret hope we will not have to suffer the pain, time, and effort required to change ourselves. We can fire the therapist with the secret hope that, in doing so, we will fire the uncomfortable realities we are facing in therapy. The list could go on and on.

It is always possible we are simply not ready to face, accept, and live (read: suffer) the truth of our lives, and if so that is okay. I think many people quit therapy when they realize that, for the therapy to work, they will have to face some suffering—whether it’s the hard work of change, the pain of saying goodbye to the past, or the confusion and frustration that are sometimes inherent in change. Not everyone wants to face these things; they are far from blissful and perfect. However, when we are ready, a good therapist will help us to suffer the feelings that life is asking us to suffer and help us stop adding suffering to our lives through our refusal and avoidance. Then, we can learn from our experiences and use our new knowledge to bear the sufferings and joys that life hands us, rather than increase our suffering by refusing what life hands us.

Feeling sad does not build bridges, nor will it win a war that needs fighting. Dedicating time to dwell on past hurts also rarely brings home a paycheck (unless you’re a therapist). In a consumer, growth-oriented society, sadness seems a luxury we can ill afford in our restless race for more goods, more happiness, more distraction. We grow quickly uncomfortable in the presence of others’ sorrow. Rightly or wrongly, we all learn to keep feelings of genuine sadness to ourselves.

Yet the truth is we are hardwired for a depth and complexity that can be found nowhere more clearly than in sadness. Ask the great comedians where they discovered the roots of their humor. Almost universally, their answer is in sorrow. It is the volume of our sadness that gives dimension to our sense of joy, peace, love, as well as the full palette of human emotion.

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Honoring That Which Transcends

Sadness is unique in its capacity to draw the outside world to our side. Even if our friends and family haven’t the capacity to cue in when we are deeply grieved, the environment itself leans in. Unashamed by our social ranking, dogs will tend to approach us when we have dropped our guard. Wild animals grow curious as our manic productivity ceases and we bend our heads earthward. If the sky has been dark, it may be our very tears that signal the start of a summer squall. We look up from soul-drenched misery to find a dove murmuring at her perch, watching and harmonizing with our pain. Never too direct. The dove quickly averts her gaze and takes flight, the arc of her wings nodding her approval. We see a remarkable law of call and response at play here. Nature responds well to fully expressed sorrow.

Sadness, when fully expressed, connects us even beyond the animal realm. Our small travails reflect greater laments—to the injustices, the brutal losses, and the painful ephemeral facts that constrain all life. Watch a small child howl uncontrollably after she is denied a friend’s toy. No amount of explaining can remedy such injustice. Our scolding and attempts to redirect fall on deaf ears. As we detect the absence of ploy or force in her screams, our parental instincts grow respectfully mute. We give pause before the depth of her feeling. Pure anguish. We shudder at the timelessness of her state and take side with awe at the purity of her misery. Helpless, we wait for the deep emotion to subside on its own. In her sobbing, we hear the horrifying music of galaxies clashing and collapsing into nothingness, the despair of lonely asteroids, the careless weight of entropy triumphing over all creation. If the universe needs a heart and voice to expel its pain, she is its instrument.

Sometimes we just don’t get to play with other friends’ toys! But we do get to feel sad about it.

When you attend to the depths of your sorrow, you partake in a profound transmigration of feeling. The quantum spin of one electron is entangled—via observation—with the spin of other electrons regardless of locality. Similarly, our sadness entangles with the sadness of others we have never met.

Feel It Fully to Let It Pass

Among our fellow humans, the attempt to console is fraught with mishap. Have mercy for those wishing to respond well to the tears within you. Try as they might, their brains are too advanced for the archaic wisdom that sadness requires. Aid, when it arrives too soon, interrupts the needed revelation. Arriving too late, it loses all value. The chance for misattunements are legion, and too often we are obliged to console the consoler and thus lose the true message of our sadness.

Instead, when powerful sadness wells up from within, take a meandering walk. Trust nature’s way with you as you traverse the barriers between you and your deeper self. Here are some of the barriers and passageways you may find familiar in your hunt for real sadness.

• Anger: After misfortune and before your honest response, your imagination first compels you to repeat the details of the affront. Eons of self-preservation dictate that you can’t feel sad until you have first rehearsed the problem and invested in your own safety. Go ahead then. Blame the universe for your condition (if there’s no human perpetrator to pin it on). Compound your defeat with memories of any and all related past hurts. Recount the underlying patterns that hold you forever confined. And, of course, plan your perfect revenge. People call anger a secondary emotion, but what better avenue to divest from the rational mind and unleash your primal self?
• Indignation: Eventually, your vision widens. All on its own, attention lifts above anger’s narrow hold and exposes you to a shakier view. At the edge of perception, you sense the arrival of another emotion entirely—something anger can’t capture or express. It is soft, undefined, and appears to lack power. Indignation is your felt experience of resistance as you begin to slide into this unknown feeling. You sigh. Small moans want to escape as you breathe. But not yet. Anger is still here and keeps you resolute. The dance between anger and indignation is its own world—a tug-of-war that hints to deeper forces but keeps the battle on the front lines of self-protection and blame. Not until you get close to the edge do you realize how difficult it is to take the plunge.
• Vulnerability: It begins with a shudder. Then a gentling ache beneath the sternum. Then a sinking. The ground is not as stable as you hoped. Instinct will have you looking left and right for predators. When vulnerability arrives, there is no mistaking your defenselessness. Some danger girds you for fighting. But in this surrender to sadness, you recognize that you have been rendered weaponless.
• Immersion: As the plummet commences, all energy turns to the necessary movements arising. Muscle structures in the face can be the first to melt, followed by collapses in the shoulder area and chest. Tears fill the eyes, the brow furrows, and all focus goes inward and down, down, down. The pit of the stomach is where sadness lives. There is a strength there capable of ruling all things. It is a rule that is readying for self-annihilation while simultaneously inviting mercy. Thoughts at this stage, if there are any, have given up assessing the world (“that was so mean”) in exchange for pure internal discernment (“I am just … so … tired”). If there is truth to be told, this is the place from which truth is spoken.

When you look up again, it’s hard to tell how long you have been crying.

As intersubjective beings, each of our moods connects us to larger fields. The field of sadness just happens to run deeper than the rest. When you attend to the depths of your sorrow, you partake in a profound transmigration of feeling. The quantum spin of one electron is entangled—via observation—with the spin of other electrons regardless of locality. Similarly, our sadness entangles with the sadness of others we have never met. What you sense as yours alone calls your belonging to a larger whole.

In the United States, there are almost as many pets as there are adult humans. Collectively, Americans keep 60 million dogs, 70 million cats, and a host of other animals as pets. More than half of all families in the U.S. have at least one pet, and many of those families consider their pets to be members of the family. Although the actual science is hard to quantify, most pet owners believe that their animal companion enriches the quality of their lives, which is why it can be so painful when they die.

Losing a beloved animal companion can be a heart-rending experience. Having to make the decision to euthanize a long- and still-cherished pet is arguably even more difficult. People often struggle with overwhelming feelings of grief, loss, and guilt after choosing to put their pets to sleep. These strong feelings that accompany euthanizing a pet come as the result of their roles in our lives and the strong bonds we are capable of developing with animals. In fact, research by Jaroleman indicates that the bond between people and their pets can have a direct impact on physical and mental health.

While losing a pet can affect us in profound ways and may be quite painful, there are several strategies that might be employed to help people cope successfully after putting a pet to sleep.

Prepare for the Grieving Process

Our animal companions provide us with love, support, and loyalty, and they often fulfill an important psychological need. When we are faced with the decision to euthanize our pets, it is the end of an important relationship—for some, one of the most important relationships in their lives. Many pet owners will experience some form of the grief, though each person will grieve differently. Though there are many different models for the grieving process, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross offered these five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying: [fat_widget_grief_right]

• Denial
• Bargaining
• Anger
• Depression
• Acceptance

The stages may not occur in any fixed order, and the duration and intensity of each stage can vary from person to person.

Do not be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated, so take the time you need to complete the grieving process. Losing companionship is never easy and it may take some time for you to come to terms with the changes in your family and life.

Seek Out Social Support

When we lose a close relative in death, the world around us tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners that had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.

While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.” The world around us simply does not understand that our pet was not “just a dog” and that we cannot “just get a new one.”

According to research by Clements, Benasutti, and Carmone, “The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can unbalance existing social roles and family relationships, and can result in the disruption of dyadic relationships between the owner and other significant people (spouse, children, and colleagues).”

It is important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time, and it may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our now departed pets?

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about how much your pet meant to you with your family and friends, consider making an appointment with a therapist. A therapist can provide healing support and help you understand the grieving process better. With time, he or she can provide tools and coping strategies to help you return to a normal life without your pet.

Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities

Pet owners develop habits around their pets due to the dependency pets have on their human companions. Their very lives are at stake. Dedicated pet owners often set aside times for feeding, washing, and walking or exercising pets. For some people, their pets might even serve as living, breathing alarm clocks.

Humans are creatures of habit. We like to know what to expect and are comforted by the fact we exert a measure of control over our actions and responsibilities, but losing a pet dramatically alters that sense of routine and predictability. Quackenbush and Glickman’s survey of pet owners that had recently lost a pet found that 93% reported a disruption of their daily routines and 70% of respondents said their social activities diminished.

Considering this, it is easy to understand the emptiness a person might feel as he or she learns how to deal with life after a pet has been euthanized. Each day is now filled with standardized voids and blocks of time with nothing to do and no animal companion to fill them.

To help soothe your grief, fill these time slots with fun and meaningful activities, especially in the company of supportive companions. Play board games, go to the park, or have a dinner party—anything you might enjoy. You might even consider making a donation to an animal-rights charity in the name of your recently deceased pet. Here are a few other suggestions for activities that may help you heal:

• Volunteer your time to a local animal shelter.
• To memorialize your pet, consider making a donation of needed items to a local animal shelter. You can ask family and friends to donate, which might present a good opportunity to talk about your deceased pet with them.
• Learn about therapeutic approaches to coping with grief, loss, and bereavement. Consider reaching out to a therapist to learn more.
• If you are experiencing guilt about euthanizing your pet, write a truthful letter addressed to your deceased animal friend about all the reasons you chose to do it. This may help you work through your guilt by addressing the practical, and perhaps merciful, reasons for your decision.

References:

1. Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
2. Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
3. Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
4. Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
5. Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8

I recently experienced an increase in my anxiety related to the flood of emotions I have been navigating in dealing with my aging, ailing dog. Only half-jokingly, I told my colleague, “I need to find my own therapist who specializes in ‘pet owner anxiety.’ ”

I’ve seen countless articles and research studies supporting the theory animals can help improve anxiety, stress, and depression, and I’ve heard of more and more people registering their pets as emotional support animals. However, it occurred to me that I’d never really come across information regarding the anxiety that can come with owning a pet, though it’s likely something many pet owners and animal lovers experience at some point.

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Owning a pet can be wonderful. Pets provide great companionship and, for many people, animals are loyal, loving members of the family. But loving a “fur baby” comes with its hardships, too. There is the potential for stress with things like adjusting to owning a new pet, training a pet, acquainting new pets and existing pets, introducing pets and children, and finding solutions to various responsibilities in terms of help with pet sitting, dog walking, etc. But for me, the greatest anxiety has come with navigating the options, recommendations, and uncertainty after finding out my dog’s health is failing.

One of the most devastating parts of pet ownership is coming to terms with the fact we will likely have to say goodbye to our beloved companions whose lifespans just don’t equal ours. While many pets seem forever young, they do age, their health eventually declines, and we are faced with even more responsibilities as we take care of the additional duties and demands that come with caring for an elderly or sick animal.

About a year and a half ago, my dog was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Ever since, I’ve grappled with topics related to the uncertainty of death, the anticipation of grief, and the difficulty in having to make confusing and difficult decisions regarding his care.

Death and loss are never easy topics, but I find them to be particularly complicated with pets. For one, they cannot tell you how they feel or voice an opinion in their care the way many aging or ill humans can. Additionally, the knowledge pets are animals as opposed to humans can bring about confusion regarding what that means in terms of our devotion to giving them the best possible care while doing what is in everyone’s best interests.

There are differing opinions when it comes to the value we place on our animal friends. For some people, pets are “just animals.” The emotional attachment some have with their pets may not be understood or validated by those who don’t share the same love of dogs, cats, iguanas, or whatever your beloved pet may be. For others, pets are truly members of the family and losing a pet can be incredibly challenging and affecting.

While I share the sentiment that my dog is a beloved part of my family, I’ve found it overwhelming and difficult to navigate his diagnosis as I balance the discrepancy between doing everything we can versus doing what is realistic. Lately, I’ve wished I had a best friend who is a vet—someone who could give me an honest, unbiased opinion not from a business or professional perspective, but from a place of truly compassionate and candid advising to ease the helplessness and confusion I’ve faced.

I share this in hopes other pet owners who relate can recognize that the strong emotions they feel regarding their pet’s care, health, and life are valid. Pet ownership, rewarding as it can be, can be a source of great stress and anxiety and is a valid reason to seek support when needed.

Some of the greatest anxiety I’ve encountered has come from juggling the grief that comes with knowing my dog is reaching his life expectancy and dealing with an irreversible and fatal disease, all the while managing the guilt I experience when questioning whether it’s worth it to shell out $600-plus every six months, per the vet’s recommendation, for echocardiograms that will monitor the progression but not actually stop it. Being a first-time dog owner, I’ve struggled with nagging questions about whether I should be doing more; confusion as to whether various vets are giving me the best advice; guilt over my hesitancy at emptying my bank account for tests that won’t change the inevitable; and dread over what those final days will be like.

With our dying human relatives, we have no choice but to accept not knowing what the future holds as we await their final breath. With our pets, we’re faced with the potential we may have to make decisions and take it upon ourselves to assist in ending their lives. While it is said euthanizing a pet is one of the most loving and humane decisions you can make, it’s one that is never easy and it inevitably brings about an array of challenging emotions.

So as I struggle with the uncertainty of how things will progress, questions about what my next steps should be, and anguish over what’s to come, I find myself feeling a dreadful combination of anxiety, guilt, and helplessness. Thoughts of, “I’m never owning another pet again” creep in and I question whether the anxiety of anticipatory grief or actual grief is worse.

Rationally, I know it’s better to have loved and lost and that time will ease the pain. And I recognize the greatest factor in my anxiety is in anticipating my dog’s impending passing and knowing there is no course of action that will eliminate facing this hurdle. Yet I’m still struck by how stressed, lost, and guilty I’ve felt regarding truly knowing what steps to take between now and then—and how this dilemma, or any type of stress related to pet ownership, is something I’ve rarely heard others voice.

I share this in hopes other pet owners who relate can recognize that the strong emotions they feel regarding their pet’s care, health, and life are valid. Pet ownership, rewarding as it can be, can be a source of great stress and anxiety and is a valid reason to seek support when needed. While I haven’t come across resources specifically related to “pet owner anxiety,” I am happy to share that there are therapists out there who specialize in pet loss and there are resources and support groups around the country that focus on pet bereavement.

In January, I lost my best and dearest friend—my dog, Paco. Even though he was almost 15 years old, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. In fact, it was so painful I needed six months until I could write about it. I considered not discussing this dark and depressing time in my life, as it would be so much easier in many ways to simply not talk about it. However, when I do speak about it, I realize just how helpful it is for other pet parents who have experienced this type of loss. So, in honor of Paco and all animal lovers, I share my experience to help you work through your grief in the healthiest way possible. I also offer some advice for others who seek to understand why this loss is so difficult for their loved ones.

First, let me address the proverbial elephant in the room. Many people, particularly those who do not feel connected with or attached to animals, may not understand why losing an animal companion is so difficult. I have heard countless times from well-meaning others that, because animals do not have as long of a life expectancy, this loss is expected and just a part of life. It is often followed by the comment, “You gave him/her a good life.”

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Even while such observations may be factually true, comments like these can feel dismissive. Yes, with some exceptions, we all know our dogs, cats, or other animal children probably will not live as long as we will. Nonetheless, comments of this nature are not at all helpful. So if you know someone who recently lost a “fur baby,” please choose your words more carefully. Other phrases to avoid include, “Just get another dog,” or, when someone with a recent loss adopts another animal, “It’s a replacement!” No animal (or life, for that matter) can be replaced. For those of us who are pet parents, comments like these are akin to telling a person that their human child could be replaced by another.

Next, I would like to share why our fur babies are so important to us. Relationships between humans are complicated. With animals, the relationship is simple and straightforward. There is unconditional love between the person and animal. There is no tension or noise about who took out the trash, no betrayal, no disappointment. For me, the human-animal bond is the most pure and joyful experience in life.

When an animal companion dies, there are no mixed feelings as there might be with humans; joy and love are simply ripped from our lives. Aside from possible relief that an animal’s suffering has ended, there is no upside. There is just pain, depression, and heartache.

When an animal companion dies, there are no mixed feelings as there might be with humans; joy and love are simply ripped from our lives. Aside from possible relief that an animal’s suffering has ended, there is no upside. There is just pain, depression, and heartache.

Given these circumstances, I found it excruciating to grieve Paco’s death.

How to Cope with Your Grief

For those, like me, who have lost a beloved animal companion, I offer these thoughts:

1. What you are feeling is real, valid, and painful. Take as much time as you need to grieve. Cry when you feel the urge. Do what you need to do and on your own timetable. Resist the urge to diminish or downplay your suffering, particularly if doing so is associated with feeling pressure because your loss was an animal and not a human.
2. Understand that grief comes in waves. It is natural to feel numb at times and “normal” at others. You might continue to grieve for months or years. It is okay. The more you can allow yourself to experience your feelings, no matter what they might be, the easier it may be to get through the loss.
3. Seek therapy or a support group. Therapy may be particularly useful if your grief results in difficulties getting through work or your personal life for an extended period. There are even grief groups specifically for pet loss.
4. It is okay to adopt another animal. Some people may adopt another pet immediately, while others need more time. There is no right answer. Adopting sooner rather than later is not necessarily a sign you are not acknowledging your loss. If you adopt more quickly, you will still likely notice your grief. A new companion might allow you to reconnect with joy again, but it will not replace your lost loved one.

How to Help Others with Their Grief

For those wishing to offer support to someone who lost a beloved pet, I offer this advice:

1. Avoid saying anything that could be considered dismissive. Such comments may include variations of:
   • “Dogs/cats/etc. do not live that long. This is just what happens. It is the circle of life.”
   • “You can get another pet.”
   • “You will get a replacement.”
   • “Sometimes you just need to put them to sleep.”
   • “It’s just an animal.”
2. Do not pry for information about how the animal died or any other details. Sometimes people need space and time to grieve. Retelling the story can be too painful, especially in the beginning. Prioritize the grieving person’s wishes over your need to know.
3. Refrain from telling the person how they should grieve. Everyone grieves differently; there is no right or wrong way and there is no schedule. If someone is depressed for an extended period, you can encourage them to look into grief counseling or a support group if it feels appropriate, but that suggestion must be made carefully and gently. Telling someone it has been long enough and they need to get over it is counterproductive and hurtful.
4. Ask the person what they would like you to do (or not do). It is okay to ask the person what they need and how you can help. Sometimes a person will want to be left alone, sometimes they might need a hug, and sometimes they might need to talk. The more you can honor their wishes and needs, the more helpful it will be. And they will remember this kindness. Ultimately, it may strengthen your relationship with them.

I dedicate this piece to Paco Curiel (2002-2017), who taught me how to love fiercely, fearlessly, and deeply.

A new year is under way, a time when people are reflecting on their lives and setting goals aimed at moving closer to long-term aspirations. If you recently experienced the death of a loved one, you may feel grateful just to have survived the first holiday season without them. Focusing on goals and aspirations while your grief still feels so present may seem paradoxical. But doing so is an essential part of your grief work, according to M. Katherine Shear, MD, founder and director of The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.

While each grief process is unique, the loss of someone with whom you have shared a deep emotional and supportive relationship usually causes the most intense grief reaction. Someone who has held you up emotionally when you were in crisis, helped shape your sense of self, and/or encouraged you to reach for your dreams is physically removed from your life forever. So it makes sense that in the acute phase of grief, you may feel as though you have lost your sense of self or feel unsure of your life purpose.

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Grief is an expression of love that continues after death. You shouldn’t expect your grief to ever end completely. However, it is possible for your grief to become more integrated; painful emotions occur less frequently and with less intensity, and no longer interfere significantly with work, other relationships, or your experience of positive emotions.

The path to integrated grief requires three interrelated processes:

• Accepting the reality of your loved one’s death
• Finding new meaning or purpose in your life
• Continuing the bond with your deceased

Humans are innately motivated to search for meaning in living. However, if you are overwhelmed by sadness as you struggle to accept the reality of a loved one’s death, it may seem impossible to think about trying to find new meaning in your living without them. But after the first few months following your loved one’s death, if you can spend a short period, on as many days as possible, focused on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose, it can offer glimpses of joy—a welcome respite from your sadness. It may help you with acceptance on a deeper level of your loved one’s death. Greater acceptance of the death may help you to reconnect with your deceased loved one in memory. Reconnecting with your loved one may alleviate some of the longing and sadness you feel so you are more free to focus on redefining your goals and reimagining your life purpose.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one.

It is important to have a balanced focus on all three processes. Knowing when and being able to shift your focus from working on acceptance of the death to focusing on future goals, or to reconnecting to your loved one, can be challenging. While many individuals can navigate the path to integrated grief with the support of other loved ones, some people can get stuck along the way. One reason for this is on a societal level, death, dying, and bereavement are still taboo topics. Thus, many individuals aren’t educated about the grief process, particularly about the importance of finding new meaning or purpose in living after the death of a loved one.

Maladaptive thinking, such as the belief one doesn’t deserve to experience the joy that comes with a renewed life purpose after the death of a loved one, can serve as an obstacle, keeping an individual locked in the acute phase of grief. People are sometimes unable to focus on new goals or life purpose because they fear accepting their loved one’s death and “moving on” means they will or must “forget about” their loved one. Thus, they may become fixated on people, situations, and places that remind them of the loved one when they were alive, or avoid circumstances that remind them of the loved one’s death. Both fixation and avoidance serve as obstacles to accepting the reality of the death.

Even though grief is a normal response to the death of a loved one, and finding new meaning is a natural human tendency, the path to integrated grief can be a complicated one. If more than a few months have passed since your loved one died, and you are feeling overwhelmed or recognize your grief is interfering with your day-to-day functioning, it may be beneficial to work with a mental professional who specializes in grief work. They can work with you to help you remove obstacles in your path so you can balance the range of emotions that come with the struggle to accept your loved one’s death, the joy that can emanate from finding new meaning in your living, and the peace that flows from reconnecting with your deceased loved one.

A new year is under way. Will you accept the invitation to allow it to be the beginning of a new life for yourself?

Reference:

Shear, M. K. (2015). Complicated Grief Treatment: A Handout for Patients, Friends, and Family Members. Columbia Center for Complicated Grief, The Trustees of Columbia University in the City of New York. Retrieved from https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/tools-and-resources/