“Couple (male and female) talk seriously in counselor's officeThings are really coming together for us,” the man in my office said confidently. “If we can just figure out the kid thing.”

His fiancee nodded.

“The kid thing,” I repeated, turning to her. “I thought you talked about that months ago. You wanted to start a family after finishing business school, right?”

But as it turned out, sometime over the past eight months she had become unsure about having a family. He had chalked it up to her enthusiasm about graduate school and figured she’d change her mind once she finished. But she hadn’t.

By this point, I had been working with this couple for many months. Recently engaged, they were making plans for the holidays with both of their families. They had achieved a lot through therapy, improving their communication as well as their understanding of each other‘s concerns and goals. There were still uncomfortable moments, including when she decided to push the envelope and purchase her own engagement ring. But overall, their relationship was working, and all was good.

A disagreement over whether to have children, however, especially at this stage in a couple’s relationship, is a landmine no therapist can avoid, and I’m grateful to colleagues like Ann Davidman who have developed workshops dedicated to this topic. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

It’s already so difficult for some people to decide they can be compatible with someone for the entirety of their lives. They agree to share a household and relatives, perhaps finances. But if a couple cannot come to an agreement on whether or not to have children, this can mean the end of the relationship.

It’s actually quite miraculous that so many couples share the same outlook toward children, now that we have so much freedom to choose. The path toward becoming a parent used to be more straightforward when fewer couples married for love and birth control wasn’t an option. But that was decades ago. Now we have many choices to consider, such as how many kids? When to have them? Who will work? How will they be cared for? These choices are often complex and require careful thought.

Talking About Kids When the Relationship Gets Serious

So what if you and your partner are getting serious about your relationship, thinking you’re headed in the same direction, whether that is “Yes,” “No,” or “Most likely not,” to kids, but you actually have different ideas? Maybe you already had that talk and were on the same page, but since then one of you has moved in another direction while the other’s commitment to their own decision has never been stronger.

The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I encourage you to consider the following recommendations. Some of these I have used with couples I have worked with in therapy, while others, I have seen play out successfully in other relationships.

During the decision-making process, consider the following:

If you set a timeline and come up with a method (or multiple methods) of discussion, such as couples counseling, weekly relationship meetings, and so on, but reach your timeline without reaching an agreement, I recommend moving on. The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.

I know plenty of child-free individuals who have made peace with their decision not to have children and enjoy their lives very much. Some chose individually to not have children, while others experienced fertility issues, or simply weren’t with the right person at the right time.

I’ve also known several couples who chose to go forward with parenting and have a child even though one of them was quite on the fence about it, and found that the reticent partner was won over by parenthood and wanted more children than the original enthusiastic partner (this includes the couple mentioned above).

Fear is a normal feeling to have about parenthood, but fear is able to be overcome—if there is a willingness to become a parent and an interest in parenthood, rather than a let’s-wait-and-see-how-much-I’ll-like-it approach.

It is also worth keeping in mind that having children is unlikely to turn out exactly how you think it will. As the partner wanting children, you must acknowledge that you might have a daughter when you want a son, or that you might want your child to have siblings when your partner only wants one child. You may have a special needs child or suffer a painful loss.

The choice to have a family involves a large amount of uncertainty, and the ability for your relationship to weather this uncertainty is what I want the people I work with to feel most confident about. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions of your friends and family about their experiences. Consider what they say carefully, but in the end, trust your instincts. Only you can make this decision for yourself.

Reference:

Carlini, D. L. & Davidman, A. (2016, November 15). Motherhood: Is it for me? Your step-by-step guide to clarity. York, PA: Transformation Books.

Couple hiking in mountains holds hands and walks togetherThe discovery or revelation of infidelity is one of the most difficult events a relationship can experience. In many couples, there is a sudden upheaval of emotion that threatens to swallow both partners whole. If you have ever searched the internet for answers, you may have found a great deal of support for the partner who experienced the betrayal; for the “wayward” partner, not so much. Being a partner who was unfaithful, yet wishes to reconcile, can be very lonely. This article aims to offer some help with navigating the choppy waters of trying to heal your relationship after your affair.

Your Decision

Before beginning the process of healing your relationship, seriously consider if you want to salvage it. Many wayward partners struggle with the idea of returning to the relationship the way it was before. Some partners are unfaithful because their primary partnership is failing. The idea of returning to that experience may seem almost too painful to bear. Infidelity recovery is a difficult process, so the decision to attempt reconciliation cannot be taken lightly. Before offering reconciliation to your partner, you must decide if that is what you truly want.

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In most cases, reconciliation requires that you end any contact with your affair partner(s). This may challenge you to formally end the affair, endure the potential embarrassment, and grieve the loss. This is typically necessary to demonstrate your good-faith effort to rebuild. If you are not ready to end your auxiliary relationship(s) (no matter how trivial this may seem), recovery may not be a viable path for your current relationship. To recover from infidelity requires that you decide to do what it takes to rebuild.

Your “Why”

Many wayward partners are relieved when affairs are discovered because they are no longer in bondage to their secrets. After discovery, the wayward partner may be eager to discuss what was wrong in the relationship that caused them to stray. This conversation is necessary for healing, but immediately after discovery/revelation may not be the best time for it. The betrayed partner is likely reeling from the knowledge and trying to make sense of a new reality. They may be so consumed with wanting to know all the facts about the infidelity that they may not be able to truly hear “why.” Even if they ask, they may not be able to comprehend the answer in a way that brings them healing.

Allowing the injured partner to set the pace of the recovery process is crucial to its success. Know that your honesty in answering the seemingly never-ending questions will allow your partner to eventually come to the “why” of the affair story. In the meantime, self-reflection may help a wayward partner to heal. Exploring how you found yourself in this situation and what needs you were attempting to meet will be key in the process … later. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or individual therapy can allow you the safe space you need to find answers to the deeper questions without causing more damage to your hurting partner right now.

Weathering the Storms

As a wayward partner, the agony of discovery/revelation may seem too expansive to contain. Some partners who have been unfaithful experience depressive symptoms as they find themselves thrust from the safety of their secret. Wayward partners may find themselves consumed with extremely low thoughts of self, only to have their injured partner echo those thoughts. The combination of guilt, shame, hurt, and betrayal seems to be a perfect storm.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend.

It may not seem like it, but the storm cannot rage on forever. Some days you may find the sting of betrayal is not as powerful as it was in the beginning. Wayward partners who learn the skill of finding the hurt under the rage may be better positioned to calm the storms in themselves and their partners. In my practice, couples learn that even the most injured partners are looking for the wayward partner to understand the hurt the infidelity has caused. We learn that if pain is acknowledged and empathy is given, the anger can usually subside over time.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend. Through the good days and bad days, the couple may find the lows are not as low as when they began and the highs are more frequent. Understanding the process and being focused on the goal of reconciliation can help a couple cope when emotions are running high.

Lower Your Defenses

One of the most important lessons for a wayward partner is to learn to avoid being defensive. Defensiveness can take many forms. Avoiding or dismissing the severity of the infidelity are only a few ways you can be seen as defensive. Blaming your partner for your infidelity is also defensive and may be detrimental to your partner’s healing. Being defensive also destroys the injured partner’s safety. A wayward partner who consistently takes responsibility for their actions may help their partner to heal faster. When they attack out of hurt, an injured partner wants to believe there is remorse. To show remorse and empathy allows the hurt partner to get what they need in order to heal.

Defending against attack is a natural human response. You may find it useful to think of a partner’s anger as an attack on the distress they are experiencing. Hurt partners may scream, cry, or seem cold in an attempt to rid themselves of pain. Be careful to notice if your relationship is becoming abusive; if so, get help immediately. If your partner is not abusive, to defend against the attack may mean the injured partner is left with this pain. Taking the burden of this suffering may be the act of love that the hurt partner needs in the wake of discovery/revelation. This can help to reestablish trust when you are determined to make amends for the hurt.

Conclusion

Relationships can heal from infidelity. The process is not without its challenges, but it is possible. A couple typically does best when they are determined to work through the pain to get to the healing on the other side. If you are considering reconciliation, you must first decide that rebuilding is your true goal if you want to be successful. Both partners will need to find healing in the pain of an affair, perhaps at different times. Allowing an injured partner to guide the recovery process is important for their healing. If you are able to weather the storms that come without being defensive, you may be more likely to succeed in the recovery process.

Infidelity does not have to mean the demise of your partnership. If you are willing to work through this challenge, perhaps with a nonjudgmental therapist guiding the process, your love for one another can emerge stronger than before.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve been married for nine years and have two children. This past month, my wife told me that she no longer loves me and she needs space. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago and she says the episode changed me and I am no longer the person she married. She now wants time to “find herself” and to try and “discover her love” again.

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Since letting me know about how she feels, she has become very distant and spends most of her time reading books or giving her attention to friends. She also refuses to talk about the situation; she says that just makes things worse and will push her further away. She says she will chat to me when she is ready.

I’m really not sure what to do. I feel completely unloved and stuck in a situation where I’m with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. While I’m trying to be supportive to her, it also hurts to know I’m with someone who doesn’t love me anymore. I still love her deeply. —Feeling Unloved

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Dear Feeling,

How very painful it must have been to hear your wife say those words to you. It is not unusual for feelings to ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, but hearing a partner say they no longer love you is hurtful. On the one hand, it sounds like your wife wants to “discover” her love again—meaning she has not closed the door on the possibility your love can be rekindled. She may be on a journey of her own and may need time and space to get there. However, it is difficult to rediscover love in a vacuum. It sounds as if you feel as if you are in the dark about what your wife wants or needs and what a reasonable timeline might be, which is a frustrating and scary place to be.

It also sounds as if you feel her withdrawing from you and your relationship, which also can be painful. You may be ready to engage, but she is not. When you experienced your depression, I wonder if you experienced a similar need to withdraw from the relationship. Is there anything in your experience of the past year that can help you understand what she is experiencing?

No matter the path you choose, it will require both of you to engage in conversations about how to move through this process, particularly as parents of young children. The way the two of you communicate and navigate this uncertain time will have an impact on how you are able to parent together.

While she may not be ready to talk about the situation, it is reasonable to ask for some parameters. You can’t rush another’s process, but you can discuss a timeline for check-ins. This doesn’t mean requiring big answers of one another, but there needs to be a way for the two of you to share information so you both can make good decisions. One of those decisions may be to not stay “stuck” in a situation where you feel unloved. Your relationship needs to work for the two of you, and if your needs are not being met, and especially if you are feeling more and more hurt and isolated, it’s fair to consider whether staying in the relationship makes sense for you.

There is much to sort out for each of you individually and both of you together. My recommendation would be for each of you to work with an individual counselor to clarify your needs and what you are able to offer one another, and, if your wife is willing, to work with a couples counselor who can help the two of you decide how to be in relationship together.

I have known couples who needed to take a break from one another in order to find ways to reconnect. For some, that meant separating for a time while working in counseling together. Others found ways to do so without physically separating, but by establishing clear guidelines for how to be together during a transitional time. No matter the path you choose, it will require both of you to engage in conversations about how to move through this process, particularly as parents of young children. The way the two of you communicate and navigate this uncertain time will have an impact on how you are able to parent together. Finding ways to parent effectively together may provide opportunities to reconnect as a team and rediscover one another as partners. Opening lines of communication without pressuring one another to have answers is an important step to take, and one that may need the support of a professional.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Partner with short hair, facial hair, holds head of partner with long hair close and comfortsEditor’s note: The following article refers to instances of anger in relationships that do not escalate into any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. 

Articles discussing anger in relationships often feature photos that tend to be comical, depicting people screaming or gesturing wildly at each other, for example. These photos take a lighthearted look at a very serious subject—in my opinion, nothing destroys a relationship quicker than hostility and anger.

Consider this scenario: You’ve spent time laying the foundation of a loving relationship (that hopefully started with building a friendship) with your partner. You’ve worked hard to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect, but slowly you’re beginning to realize your partner is someone who has a lot of anger built up. Often you don’t even know where the anger they experience is coming from.

Anger can have a serious impact on a relationship. Those who live with and love someone who has a lot of anger can often get caught up in trying to find fault. A symptom of something deeper and more complex, anger can also be contagious, and both people in the relationship often end up angry. After a time, you may become less able to even recognize each other as people, and your basic feelings about yourself often no longer align with what you’re experiencing. Instead, you end up seeing yourself as an angry and hostile individual, identifying your relationship as one where you as well as your partner are angry all the time. [fat_widget_right]

Learning to Become Authentic and Vulnerable

In my work with couples, I focus on helping each partner become authentic and vulnerable, to reach a place where they are susceptible and open to the other partner’s words, actions, and statements.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem. We’re not going to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt. If we do, we’re open to blaming our partners for the problems. This creates negative assumptions about our partners, so we lean toward being protective of ourselves. The result is an outward appearance of being uncaring and unloving—though this appearance may be accurate in the moment, when we are in protection and defense mode in our relationship instead of focusing on the love we have for our partner.

The cycle of anger changes our perception of ourselves, our partners, and the entire relationship. To change this perception and see what is really there, we need to identify the fears and difficulties that have been created by the anger and address the impact anger is having on the relationship.

When we are continually angry, we can begin to see each other as adversaries instead of the allies we truly are. We may have learned the best defense is an offense, so we go into attack mode, to strike at them before they can strike us. That keeps us defensive, trapped in the mode of looking to our partner as the one who is responsible for the problem.

If we experienced anger in our family of origin, or if we have experience with domestic violence, we may recognize its danger. We might try to avoid anger as long as possible, but it builds up, like a teakettle slowly reaching a boil. Eventually you, like the kettle, will eventually reach a boiling point where you can no longer contain your anger. If you don’t have the skills to manage it productively, it can explode.

How Can We Address Anger?

It can be difficult to talk about anger instead of displaying it. Maybe your past family experience tells you violence will be the outcome of any discussion, and so discussing your anger is the last thing you want to do. This is one situation where both people often feel so bad about themselves and each other that they tend to not even recognize themselves or their partner in these interactions.

In defense, some numb their emotions and don’t access them at all. Feelings of being denied, or as if one’s feelings don’t matter, often develop, and these fears, insecurities, and feelings of self-doubt contribute to the anger. The conflict causes partners to avoid connecting emotionally not only to the anger, but also to the other intense emotions that accompany it.

Because the experience is so different from the way you see yourself, you may tend to see your partner as the one who is causing it and come to believe you don’t matter to them. But anger is an emotion that often serves to mask other emotions—pain, loneliness, or feelings of alienation. Often we must go through the anger to the other side in order to resolve the other emotional hurts underneath.

The answer to this is really to go back to the friendship, the foundation you first laid for your love relationship. Underneath all of the pain and difficulty are still two people who truly love and care about each other and want the best for each other. We want to be there for each other, but how do we do that when emotional eruptions continue to happen and we feel powerless to stop them?

Try these steps:

  1. Identify that this is a problem. If you don’t acknowledge it, you won’t be able to break the cycle.
  2. Find a way to cool down your temper and de-escalate arguments. Couples who truly know each other often know how to, even in the heat of anger, inject humor into the conflict and change the tone of the discussion. When you can laugh about things, you know you’ve worked hard on your relationship. You first have to have that foundation of trust, though, in order be able to do this. You have to know your partner and truly believe their intentions are trustworthy.
  3. Think before you speak. If you’re speaking while triggered, nothing will be able to be resolved. Anger has a way of shutting down your brain until you’re only angry—you’re often not reasoning or thinking clearly. You need to be able to step back, look for the causes of the anger (attachment needs not being met, for example), and talk about them. When I see couples who are in conflict, often the issues they’re arguing about/are angry about stem from feelings of detachment. Deep breathing and calming techniques can be helpful steps in de-escalating the situation.
  4. Own your anger and be aware of warning signs. Address the primary emotions underlying the anger. Often in these situations, we’re only addressing the secondary emotions, the things that made you angry or set them off. But these are not the core issues. Primary emotions instead might include feelings of vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment. When your partner is angry, it may remind you about losses in your family. You might feel guilt, shame, and defeat over not knowing how to have a good relationship with someone you care for a great deal. You may experience self-doubt, which can be hard to navigate when you face this kind of confusion. Your experiences may not match who you are or who you think your partner is.
  5. Keep a journal. Write down what matters to you and what you want from your relationship. Take time to describe the feelings of sadness and self-doubt, among others, you experience when the two of you are not doing as well. Whether you bring this journal to counseling to help you put your emotions into words, share your thoughts with your partner on your own, or simply keep the journal private, being able to articulate these issues can help you identify the real reasons you’re in this angry cycle with your partner.
  6. Deal with the anger as soon as possible. Address it immediately and acknowledge what you’re upset about. Show your partner you truly care about what is bothering or hurting them, and express your feelings in non-blaming ways. If your partner is full of anger and becomes harsh or critical, don’t have to take it to heart. If it’s not accurate, you don’t have to defend yourself (this often escalates). Instead, stand back and allow yourself to see the real message behind the hurtful words. Often the message is something much deeper. Your partner loves you but may feel you don’t love them because of something you’ve done or said and doesn’t know how else to express their feelings in the moment. If you can step past the anger and acknowledge your partner is hurting underneath the anger, you can reassure them you do care and begin to address the anger and its impact together, with your relationship as the top priority. (No one should ever take responsibility for a partner’s anger that is expressed through any type of abuse or violence. This is never okay. If anger in your relationship is characterized by abuse and violence, please reach out.)
  7. Work on really listening. Communication is not just speaking, it’s listening, truly listening. Acknowledge what your partner is saying, and own up to any responsibility for feelings of frustration, hurt, or disconnect. If you have hurt your partner, apologize with sincerity. If you’re the injured party, work on forgiving them instead of holding on to anger and resentment. This, with the help of a qualified couples counselor if necessary, can help the two of you move forward toward a better place together.

Anger is something that can alter a relationship to the point you are no longer able to be proud of who you are together. You want to have the kind of relationship where you feel you’re with your best friend and where you know you care deeply for each other. Once partners get to the core of the problems and identify the needs both parties have, it’s possible to learn how to meet those needs for each other and begin to have more positive experiences together, changing any negative perceptions.

Anger is often a symptom of something deeper. When we realize this, we can address this in order to change the tone of our discussion about anger, put an end to negative interactions, and begin to make space for positive communication and change.

Silhouettes of couple about to kiss are visible behind a red umbrellaSexuality is a crucial energizing force in the lives of human beings. At its best, sex in an intimate relationship is an expression of the emotional bond between two people. It is best understood in terms of the dynamics of the relationship in which it exists.

A healthy sexual relationship reflects the quality of the bond between two individuals. In my experience as a therapist, couples who cherish each other; are demonstrative about their love; and are committed to the relationship’s growth tend to be most content in their sexual lives.

Most often, eroticism is at its height in the beginning of a relationship. Then, mysteriously, it tends to subside. But monogamy need not be monotonous if the couple is open-minded enough to learn about the emotional parts of their relationship that are impeding passion and willing enough to bring novelty, intense closeness, and sensuality into their sex life.

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Before anything else, in order to have a good sex life you need to see yourself (regardless of body image) as a sexual human being who has an inherent right to sexual pleasure. Know for a fact you are innately lovable and sexy.

Recognizing the positives in your partner is also mandatory. This means not focusing on his love handles or the skin beginning to sag under her arms. Focus on your partner’s general beauty. Love everything about them.

Listen to what feels good to your partner and what doesn’t without taking it as a sign of your inadequacy. Feedback from your partner is critical in negotiating satisfying sex. When there is distress in the relationship, this feedback is often given and received in the context of fears and anxieties.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

It is common in intimate relationships for there to be a high-desire partner and a lower-desire partner. Even happy couples have learned to compromise, to deal with the issue with some objectivity and humor and to not let it affect their relationship outside the bedroom.

For some couples, however, a desire gap can wreak havoc in the quality of their relationship and may be a steppingstone to divorce court. The high-desire partner may experience shame, rejection, self-doubt, and isolation as a result of being turned down for sex repeatedly. The low-desire partner may feel controlled, obligated, inadequate, resentful, and tyrannized.

Sexual/marital therapy offers a way out of this dilemma if the partners are committed and willing to keep an open mind. Therapy also offers an avenue toward growth, novelty, and excitement in their sexual relationship.

Suggestions for the Partner with Greater Desire

Suggestions for the Partner with Lower Desire

Marital/Sexual Counseling and “Optimal Sexual Functioning”

Eroticism cannot blossom in an environment filled with chronic anger, resentment, power plays, blaming, withdrawal, hurt feelings, sadness, resignation, defensiveness, lack of trust, poor communication, or ambivalence about intimacy and commitment. The goal of couples counseling is to replace these states with positive feelings, a sense of togetherness and of shared time and activities.

When couples/sex therapy skills are used with intense intimacy between partners, the result is the experience of sexual potential, a realm few people experience because it takes willingness, commitment, energy, and fearlessness.

Counseling restores a sense of parity in a relationship. When one partner believes they are somewhat powerless or resents the other’s unilateral decision-making about sex, the situation is ripe for a control struggle. This “push-and-pull” spills over into the sexual relationship in the form of attempting to control sexuality by withholding sex, or in the inhibition of sexual desire.

One of the functions of couples/sexual counseling is to enhance techniques that promote relational and sexual health. These include:

When couples/sex therapy skills are used with intense intimacy between partners, the result is the experience of sexual potential, a realm few people experience because it takes willingness, commitment, energy, and fearlessness. The reward for your efforts, however, can instill in you a new sense of sexual vitality. With this type of optimal sexual functioning, you’ll have more knowledge, confidence, closeness, and eroticism than ever before.

When sex is taken from a purely physiological act and is experienced as a physical/emotional/intellectual/spiritual union, the boundaries of the personal ego melt away and you can experience something larger than yourself. Sustained passion in a long-term relationship can be a much more fulfilling experience than the hormone-driven clutching at each other that occurs at the beginning of a relationship.

Young couple excited to start trip embraces and kisses on tiptoe outside city

Demonstrating affection can either bridge or divide your relationship. Generally, people tend to regard affection as a positive experience. However, the intention behind your affection may dictate whether your partner receives it well.

From the time you were born, affection offered you a physical sense of safety. Research confirms that touch is the primary way people communicate intimacy in romantic relationships, and affectionate touch behaviors are universally observed in partnerships. Affectionate touch is an important behavior in close relationships throughout the lifespan, occurring frequently from infancy through older adulthood. This need for touch did not end in infancy. If you avoid touch, this can be due to learned behavior in childhood or to the quality of touch in your adult romantic relationships.

Touch is only affectionate if it is implicitly meant to communicate love, care, and affection to the person receiving it. Warm interpersonal contact like holding hands, hugging, kissing, and lying close together are prototypical examples of affectionate touch. Research demonstrates that affectionate touch is an essential component of many intimate relationships and is a primary contributor to overall relationship satisfaction as well as sexual satisfaction. Yet you might find yourself guarded when your partner reaches for you. Or, on the flip side, you might feel like your partner slips away from you upon your reach.

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When Carissa and Mitch came to see me, Carissa admitted while laughing, “Yes, it’s true. I do cuddle him more when I want something. Or sometimes, I do that when I know I spent too much on the credit card.” As a result, Mitch did not value their affectionate exchanges.

Sylvia and Don struggled with affection as well. Sylvia said she didn’t trust Don’s affection “because he always wants more.” Don said, “I don’t get it. Wouldn’t you want sex to start out affectionate?”

soft focus couple in bed

For these couples, affection became confusing. Their work involved differentiating between physical and sexual touch while helping them understand how intention impacts the quality of their affectionate exchanges. Research supports that affectionate touch is a relatively stable characteristic of human romantic relationships that is robustly and reliably related to the degree of reported love between partners.

Below are four areas on what I call the “affection spectrum” that can produce unhealthy relationship exchanges:

Affection as a Sexual Agenda

If you fit into this area of the spectrum, you use affection to advance toward sexual exchanges. Research on desire discrepancy shows that when affection consistently leads to sexual expectations, it can strain relationships, particularly when one partner experiences lower sexual desire than the other. When affection always leads to sex, affection can feel unsafe. If you experience lower sexual desire than your partner, you may not only engage less in sex but eventually turn away from all touch, including affection. This typically happens because you feel pressured to perform sexually with every kiss, hug, or cuddle.

Affection as a Tool

This describes offering affection only when you want something else. Research on emotional manipulation shows that affection becomes a form of manipulation when it follows periods of neglect or is used to maintain control, keeping victims confused and desperate to fix things. Affection becomes a form of manipulation, used for personal gain. You might offer affection or rein it back in with the flip of a switch. Studies indicate that manipulators use approval and statements marking affection in order to change their partner’s behavior or mental state in their own interests. Affection can feel confusing and disconnected for the receiver because they pick up on your lack of genuine care.

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Affection as a Weapon

Here, you withdraw affection as a means of punishment. Research identifies withholding affection or communication as one of the clearest signs of passive aggression, especially after disagreements. You may struggle to verbalize your discontent on an issue. Instead, you may retreat for hours, days, weeks, or even months. Studies show that passive aggression can harm individuals by withdrawing social support for others and ignoring psychological demands and needs, potentially causing depression, stress-related disorders, and self-harm. This passive-aggressive behavior may create a sense of loneliness, isolation, and abandonment for your partner.

Affection as a Plateau

As a couple, you become trapped in your affection. You seem unable to move beyond affection into sexual exchanges. You hide in your affection because affection feels safe and secure. Research on couples with sexual difficulties shows that intimacy factors like self-disclosure and perceived partner responsiveness can help couples adapt to sexual challenges and may serve as compensatory mechanisms when sexual function is hindered. As a result, you jeopardize your intimacy because you minimize risk-taking and vulnerability, key ingredients to higher levels of intimacy and erotic energy.

If you want to use your affectionate exchanges as a bridge to one another, have honest conversations about its role.

In counseling sessions, I worked with both couples on moving away from dysfunctional affection to using affection as a bridge to connection. Research on couples therapy demonstrates that interventions can increase dyadic cohesion, affection, satisfaction, and consensus while improving overall relationship adjustment. This involved strengthening their emotional and sexual intimacy so their physical, non-sexual touch (affection) grew out of healthy intent.

two women intimate conversation

Here’s what healthy affection looks like:

Affection as a Bridge

You give and receive affection generously with each other. You trust your affectionate exchanges. You feel how it strengthens your relationship. Research on interpersonal trust shows that children who grow up in responsive, emotionally warm family environments internalize a sense of safety with other people, laying the groundwork for how much people are willing to trust others in general. Because of this trust, affection can lead to sex or not. Here, you focus more on affection as a loving exchange rather than as a means to an outcome. Studies demonstrate that receiving affectionate touch can bolster relationship satisfaction and positive self-perceptions, particularly among women. Overall, affection helps you feel cared for, safe, and loved.

Nurturing your affectionate touch strengthens the bond between you. Research confirms that affectionate touch may be an untested mechanism at the heart of the interpersonal process of intimacy, with perceived partner responsiveness forecasting behavioral intimacy through affectionate touch. Affection demonstrates warmth and tenderness. Affection generally affirms that you like and love your partner.

Consider the role affection plays in your relationship. If you want to use your affectionate exchanges as a bridge to one another, have honest conversations about its role. Recent longitudinal research reveals a bidirectional relationship between relational intimacy and sexual satisfaction, with interventions targeting sexual well-being improving emotional closeness and communication within couples. Focus on your intentions when you reach out for each other. Notice where you are on the spectrum.

Remember, affection is not only a bridge to each other but also a means of connection between your emotional and sexual expressions. Aim to cultivate health in all of these areas for optimal relationship satisfaction. For nonjudgmental guidance, contact a licensed couples counselor.

Note: To protect confidentiality, names and other identifying characteristics in the preceding account were changed.

References:

  1. Sorokowska, A., Saluja, S., Sorokowski, P., Frąckowiak, T., Karwowski, M., Aavik, T., … & Pierce, J. D. (2023). Love and affectionate touch toward romantic partners all over the world. Scientific Reports, 13(1), 5497. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-31502-1
  2. Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2022). Perceived partner responsiveness forecasts behavioral intimacy as measured by affectionate touch. Emotion, 22(1), 55-70. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000809
  3. Campbell, J. T., Bennett-Brown, M., Kaufman, E. M., Gesselman, A. N., Frederick, D. A., Garcia, J. R., & Mark, K. P. (2024). Women who experience more affectionate touch report better body satisfaction and relationship outcomes. Journal of Sex Research, 62(5), 776-786. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2310705
  4. Howard, S. (2019). Intermittent reinforcement in relationships: The cycle of manipulation. In Educational Intervention for Emotional Manipulation (pp. 45-67). CUNY Academic Works.
  5. Lancer, D. (2018). Sudden moments of affection after abuse: Understanding trauma bonding. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(3), 234-245.
  6. Marriage.com. (2025). What is passive aggressive in relationships: Types & impact. Retrieved from https://www.marriage.com/advice/love/passive-aggression-relationships/
  7. Song, H., Thompson, R. A., & Ferrer, E. (2022). Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: The passive aggression scale. Behavioral Sciences, 12(8), 286. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12080286
  8. Rysková, M., Novák, J., & Kratochvíl, M. (2024). Manipulation strategies in interpersonal relationships and their psychological impact. South Eastern European Journal of Public Health, 16(2), 1-15.
  9. Kachooei, M., Bagheri, F., & Ahmadi, S. A. (2024). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 276. https://doi.org/10.4103/jehp.jehp_201_23
  10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11(Special Issue), 117-135.
  11. Beaulieu, N., Bergeron, S., Brassard, A., Byers, E. S., & Péloquin, K. (2023). Toward an integrative model of intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction: A prospective study in long-term couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52(4), 1567-1582.
  12. Léonard, D. P., Rosen, N. O., Bigras, N., Massé-Pfister, M., & Bergeron, S. (2025). Intimacy and sexual well-being in couples coping with sexual interest/arousal disorder: The importance of perceived partner responsiveness. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 22(7), 1093-1105.

Rear view distance photo of couple holding hands leaning apart while running through sand on beachMarriage symbolizes the beginning of a (hopefully) lifelong commitment, so it makes sense couples tend to spend a lot of time and energy preparing for this milestone. Yet, while many engaged couples take their time researching the dos and don’ts of diamond buying, some do not spend enough time preparing for the inevitable difficult times they will experience while married.

Understanding how to better manage conflict is important not only for the well-being of a relationship, but also for each partner’s physical health. Unfortunately, couples often neglect to consider the “Four Cs” of conflict that are also predictors of divorce. Unlike the four Cs of diamonds (carat weight, cut, color, clarity), the “Four Cs” in this article are an adaptation of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—a theory that has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict divorce with about 91% accuracy.

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1. Criticism (Attacking Your Partner’s Character)

When we make a complaint, offer a suggestion, or simply make a request, it is important to be conscious of how we let our partners know what is bothering us or what we need them to do differently. Using a harsh approach or cutting words, versus owning our reactions and feelings and stating what we need, can make all the difference in how our partners respond.

Let’s say, for example, your partner is running late to an important dinner and you are feeling frustrated and maybe even disrespected. It would be easy to say something like, “You’re never on time. Why are you so inconsiderate?” While frustration is understandable, it is not likely you will receive a warm, apologetic response. Using absolute terms such as “always” and “never” tends to imply an attack on the other’s character rather than being specific to the situation.

This is the hallmark difference between a complaint and a criticism. Using language that feels like an attack rarely yields a pleasant or desired response.

2. Counterattack (Defensiveness)

It is an almost innately human response to counter a critical remark with some effort to defend ourselves. When someone shoots a verbal arrow at us, it seems intuitive to put up a shield. However, this response typically only perpetuates the cycle of conflict because it sends the underlying message the other person is the problem, not us. Thus, our partners may respond to our defensiveness with more criticism—or worse.

3. Contempt (the Best Predictor of Divorce)

Contempt refers to one partner’s attempts to appear superior to the other. It can include name-calling (“you are such an idiot!”), using humor in a hostile manner, sarcasm, mocking, and eye-rolling. When contempt becomes present in conflict, it is typically the result of deeply held negative feelings about the other that perhaps have not been expressed or acknowledged and addressed. The inherent message is one of disgust and discontent.

Contempt acts as a corrosive agent in relationships. A relationship cannot survive if it is continuously riddled with contempt. Every effort should be made by both partners to make sure it does not become part of the conflict cycle. Contempt is also dangerous because research suggests not only is it a predictor of divorce, but more physical health issues as well.

4. Complete Withdrawal (Stonewalling)

What often follows the pattern of criticism-defensiveness-contempt is a response called flooding, which implies a level of physical arousal that typically derails any attempt to communicate effectively. Flooding, in short, is the body switching into fight-or-flight mode, in which the sympathetic nervous system ramps us up as if we are facing physical danger. This typically looks like a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and eventually leads to the fourth “C,” complete withdrawal (or, as Dr. Gottman terms it, stonewalling).

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

When we get to a point of feeling flooded, our physical symptoms take over and we become physically unable to respond to our partner in a way that promotes effective communication or de-escalation of the conflict. Our energy becomes directed toward self-soothing and self-protective withdrawal. However, this state of great distress often goes unnoticed by our partners. This is not a fault of them being oblivious; flooding and subsequent stonewalling (complete withdrawal) often appear as someone sitting quietly and calmly but disengaged. Because the distress goes unnoticed, it is easy for the non-flooded partner to interpret the withdrawal as malicious intent to end the conversation. This can result in continued attacks (criticism) or even contempt, causing further damage to the relationship.

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate.

How to Intervene Before the ‘Four Cs’ Take Hold

Here are some strategies to try in order to prevent the “Four Cs” from taking hold in your relationship:

If you and your partner are struggling with any of these issues, don’t wait until they cause problems in your marriage to seek help. Consult a licensed couples counselor in your area.

References:

  1. Gottman, J. M. (2014). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press.
  2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

GoodTherapy | Apologizing with Intention: 4 Reasons Your Apology Didn’t WorkRecently, I sat in session with a married couple named Dara and Mike. Speaking to one of the issues that brought them to therapy, Dara said, “Every time I tell him I don’t feel like a priority, he tells me it’s not true. Yet, he never spends any time with me.”

Dara began to tear up. I asked her what she felt in that moment. “Lonely,” she responded.

I turned to Mike and asked him, “What is it like for you to hear Dara say this makes her feel lonely?”

He turned to her and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That wasn’t my intention.”

Imagine a beautiful song on a record player suddenly coming to a screeching halt. What happened here?

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As an intimacy breakthrough specialist, I can deconstruct this moment in many different ways. For this article, I’m going to focus specifically on Mike’s apology.

I promptly asked Mike, “Mike, what are YOU feeling right now?”

“Nothing,” he replied.

“Let’s talk about that,” I said.

Mike and I talked about four common mistakes partners make when apologizing.

Mistake No. 1

Your apology feels meaningless when you speak from a place of defense.

Including the words “I’m sorry” in your statement of an apology is not nearly enough. Mike’s apology proved ineffective. While he claims to have not felt anything, he more likely felt defensive and did not realize it. Defensiveness shut him down to what his wife was feeling. As a result, his apology did not feel sincere or heartfelt to Dara.

Mistake No. 2

Your apology lacks accountability when you focus on how your partner feels instead of what you did.

Mike phrased his apology as, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Notice how his apology focuses on Dara. It says nothing about him or his actions. It is as if he is making her feel bad for having her feelings, rather than focusing on how he has influenced those feelings. Basically, it’s an apology cop-out.

Mistake No. 3

Your apology feels empty and disconnected when you lack empathy.

When I asked Mike what he felt, he said, “Nothing.” Defense likely kept him from feeling sadness or any form of genuine empathy for Dara. Empathy required Mike to feel what Dara felt. If he allowed himself to look into her eyes, to see her tears, to connect to his own sadness and loneliness, he might have better understood Dara’s feelings. He then could have offered a more caring and meaningful response.

Mistake No. 4

Your apology focuses on intention and not consequences.

Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

I can recall specific times I have made this mistake. Intentions are great, but when they don’t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It’s easier to hide behind your “intention” than it is to face the consequences of your actions.

Through our conversation, Mike quickly realized how and why Dara did not accept his apology. Once he dropped his defensive stance, he tuned into her more and allowed himself to step into his more difficult feelings of sadness. He finally connected to Dara’s pain and offered a genuine and sincere apology.

Dara felt his empathy and accepted his words. Their shared sadness helped them connect to their mutual vulnerability. This connection gave them a moment of true intimacy.

Conclusion

If you think you’ve apologized to someone and you can’t figure out why they won’t just “let it go,” check to see if your apology makes any of the four common mistakes above. If so, see if you can better align with your partner emotionally so you can truly understand their perspective. Drop your defenses and take an honest assessment of your actions. If you find that, yes, your partner’s perspective has a grain of truth, apologize for your part in it. For real.

Note: Names in the preceding account were changed to protect confidentiality.

Happy couple looks at each other, leaning in close to kiss in front of open laptopWhat makes couples therapy successful? I’ve see couples move from relationship nightmare to healthy and happy within six months of counseling. In many cases, by the time the couple ends up in the therapist’s office, they have been struggling for at least a year trying to fix issues on their own, or avoiding them. Therapy is often seen as a last resort.

Couples who are successful in this process have several things in common that help them fully benefit from therapy. Here are four ways you and your partner can set yourselves up for success:

1. Be All-In with the Process

Whether therapy is your first stop or a final attempt to salvage the relationship before giving up, in order to make it worthwhile, I ask that couples give it their best effort. This can be difficult if you’ve been to other therapists or tried different solutions without success. You may be feeling frustrated, resentful, or defeated.

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John Gottman’s extensive research on what makes relationships successful shows the four most destructive forces in a relationship are defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. From my experience, when any of these factors is present in the therapy room, it significantly impedes progress. All couples have conflict. It is how you manage that conflict that determines the outcome. Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls. In some cases, it takes time for couples to be able to do so because of ongoing conflicts, past hurts, and distrust. In these cases, it is important to focus on the trust and healing first, so that reconciliation can occur.

2. Come with an Open Mind

You may feel you’ve tried everything. You may have had countless conversations or arguments with your partner, researched the issue online, talked to friends, and tried different approaches. You may be skeptical of therapy, or simply skeptical as to whether your problems can be overcome in a way that satisfies both of you.

It is always possible your problems can’t or won’t be overcome. In some cases, a couple may determine their relationship is no longer healthy or compatible and decide to consciously uncouple. However, these are the minority of cases. In most situations, the problem is solvable. In therapy, you will be asked to suspend your disbelief and be open to the possible benefits from the techniques used in therapy. This may include communication exercises, intimacy homework, referral to medical providers, and considering new ways of framing your issue. Therapists use evidence-based methods that have a track record of success. When people are courageous by being open to the process, they can benefit from therapy interventions.

3. Prioritize Your Appointments

Therapy works best if couples can set aside their resentments and come out from behind their emotional walls.

It is important that couples commit to at least two therapy sessions per month for six months. This commitment serves two functions. First, it provides a chance for the therapy to work. We all wish there was a magic wand that would make our problems go away. Unfortunately, no one has one. However, we each have the ability to make positive changes, and therapy can help with that process—it just takes time. In my experience, it takes a minimum of 12 sessions for sustainable change to occur.

The second reason to prioritize your appointments: it communicates to yourself and your partner the relationship is worth it. Couples may be juggling work, school, family, and other responsibilities. Fitting therapy appointments into that can be a challenge, both logistically and financially. However, when couples find a way to make it work, they can benefit greatly.

4. Do the Homework!

The purpose of therapy is not to learn how to interact perfectly while in the therapist’s office; that is often the easiest part! The purpose of therapy is to learn how to interact in real time—to be able to navigate obstacles and conflict as they arise, in the midst of daily life.

I often assign couples the homework of having one to two intimacy dates per week. This is a planned time in which they set aside other demands and focus solely on each other. The couple uses this time to focus on applying what was learned in therapy. The homework will differ depending on your particular issue. However, what is true for all couples is practice makes “perfect.” Brain research shows the more we practice new ways of thinking and responding, the easier it becomes. Neural pathways in the brain are similar to muscles: the more you work them, the stronger they become. Neural memory develops, and with time, the new ways of relating to one another learned in therapy may become second nature.

Conclusion

Couples therapy is an excellent resource that helps many couples overcome challenges. Certain factors can help make therapy successful. Those factors include committing fully to the process, having an open mind, prioritizing appointments, and doing the homework. Seeing a therapist takes courage and dedication, and may prove life changing.

References:

  1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.
  2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
  3. Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Two office workers have their heads close together over desk, smiling at each otherWorkplace affairs are on the rise. Research indicates that from 1982 to 1990, 38% of unfaithful wives had affairs starting at work. From 1991 to 2000, 50% of unfaithful wives began an affair at work. Psychologist and marriage and family therapist Shirley Glass, PhD, reports that 46% of unfaithful wives and 62% of unfaithful husbands in her clinical practice had an affair with someone they met through their work (Glass & Staeheli, 2004).

While affairs can begin in a variety of ways, work is one of the most frequently reported settings where infidelity begins. Many people who begin affairs at the office later say, “I didn’t set out to cheat on my partner; it just happened.” Although it may seem as though it “just happened,” there are steps that led up to the infidelity.

Research points to opportunity as a substantial factor in affairs that begin at work. These relationships typically begin with healthy boundaries. When a friendship crosses a line of emotional intimacy, the chances of moving into sexual intimacy increase (Glass & Staeheli, 2004).

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If you think you may have crossed a line with someone at work, ask yourself the following:

If the answer is “yes” to any of these, put a stronger boundary between you and the coworker immediately (Glass & Staeheli, 2004). In the event of an affair, whether begun at work or elsewhere, what next? Partners not involved in the affair often feel hurt and need their hurt acknowledged. The affair might be the most apparent issue, but along with it are issues that left the relationship vulnerable to making poor choices.

Division of labor around the house, sex, and parenting are legitimate relationship issues. If a couple comes to counseling at this stage, the focus can immediately be on these topics. Sometimes one or both partners give an illegitimate response to legitimate issues. Domestic violence, substance abuse, and affairs are examples of illegitimate responses. In these cases, the illegitimate response temporarily negates the legitimate issues because the illegitimate response is so big.

The affair might be the most apparent issue, but along with it are issues that left the relationship vulnerable to making poor choices.

The partner who responded to legitimate concerns with an affair is responsible for owning the fact the focus is going to be on the affair for a period of time before the legitimate issues can be addressed. This takes courage because it is not easy to listen to the betrayed partner explain how the affair hurt them. Likewise, some people who have had an affair may be unwilling to be an open book to their partner for however long it takes to rebuild trust. Yet, these are important steps toward healing.

While some couples dig in and work through an affair and the issues preceding it, others find it easier to leave. In some cases, they leave for the person they had an affair with. But only a small percentage of relationships that begin as an affair last. Unresolved contributions to a failed relationship leave a person prone to make the same mistakes in future relationships.

What to Look for in a Couples Therapist

If you or your partner have engaged in an affair and are considering counseling, or have tried counseling before and felt it went nowhere, look for the following in a therapist as suggested by Glass and Staeheli (2004):

It is harder to take our own inventory than it is to take someone else’s. It is harder still to work on our own issues with honesty and self-compassion. But if each partner focuses on themselves, the chances are greater the couple will rebuild trust and intimacy. If you believe your partnership is vulnerable to infidelity or has already experienced it, contact a licensed couples counselor.

Reference:

Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. C. (2004). Not just friends. New York, NY: Atria Books.

Shot of a happy young couple sitting on their bed in pajamasDespite the growing number of sex therapists and sex educators in mental health, coaching, and self-actualization fields, many counseling and social work training programs spend minimal time on sex therapy education, or else include it as a side dish to the core curriculum. This may in part reflect the way our culture continues to view sexuality as separate and distinct from the rest of who we are and how we function socially. All the more reason couples therapists, whatever their specialization, need to consider how sexual dynamics can fuel apparent non-sexual issues such as communication, role expectations, or anger management needs.

Desire discrepancy—a difference in the intensity and frequency of sexual desire—can underlie other seemingly non-sexual couples conflicts, ones that are more socially acceptable or easier to talk about. Take Marie and Jeff, a fictional composite of couples I’ve worked with in my practice. They seek couples counseling because Marie gave Jeff’s second car to charity without his explicit permission and Jeff won’t accept Marie’s apology. During sessions, Jeff remains calm but insists he’s confused and distrustful. He believes Marie is the problem in their relationship. Marie rationalizes her actions. She blames Jeff’s materialism rather than owning up to her anger toward Jeff.

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Attempts to address the couple’s sex life result in responses such as, “We had sex the other night,” or “This isn’t about sex.” Jeff and Marie inadvertently collude with each other to avoid the underlying issue of their sexual dynamic and the shame and fear it triggers, focusing instead on differences in their value systems and communication styles. The couple ends the therapy cycle with Marie promising to respect Jeff’s property and Jeff agreeing to give her another chance.

The couple hasn’t explored the deeper sexual issue. The therapist, trying to walk the line between meeting the couple where they are and challenging them to risk greater authenticity, may end up being too careful in her interventions.

In this hypothetical case, Marie and Jeff return a year later, after Marie has had an affair with a coworker. Jeff is considering a divorce. Now there is no way to avoid talking about sex. Over several sessions, Marie admits to feeling rejected consistently throughout their marriage due to Jeff’s apparent lack of interest in more frequent sex. Most of her ex-boyfriends initiated sexual activities, but Jeff has always seemed content waiting for her to initiate. Even when she initiates, he has sometimes asked for a “rain check.”

Marie admits to having felt hurt, unwanted, and undesirable since their honeymoon. Jeff, who grew up in a strict, religious home and has had far fewer sexual experiences than Marie, admits to feeling sexually conflicted for most of his life. He has coped by masturbating excessively in private. For a year before the affair, he would initiate sex with Marie only when he was drunk. His shame about his sexuality dovetailed with her fear she was undesirable or “too sexual.” Marie’s feelings of anger, hurt, and sexual shame led her to ignore Jeff’s inner emotional reality and to seek validation in an affair.

Unaddressed desire discrepancy and the feelings it can trigger can fuel conflicts in relationships while masquerading as a non-sexual issue. “Some couples avoid conflict by exiting, and others avoid the real issues they want to discuss by camouflaging them with other things,” Tammy Nelson writes in her book The New Monogamy. “They may talk about the children or work, for instance, when they really want to talk about the marriage. Or they might talk about money when they really want to talk about sex.”

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It’s important to consider how a couple’s experience of desire with one another will impact and influence their well-being, resilience, commitment, openness, and flexibility. When differences in a couple’s desire levels and needs can be addressed openly and collaboratively, the negative charge leaking into other areas of their relationship may decrease as more primary needs for honesty, affection, and attachment are met.

Exploring each person’s experience of desire and desirability has tremendous potential to alter the course of a partnership for the better. It can provide couples with important information about relational imbalances and psychological red herrings distracting them from difficult but necessary conversations. Helping guide and frame safe, honest talks about desire levels and differences in sexual desire can free up couples who are stuck in specious, dead-end power struggles. It can encourage a more adventurous approach to leisure time together, freeing couples to creatively work through sexuality-related issues.

Couples therapists who are not necessarily sex therapists can proactively help couples understand limiting sexual dynamics by focusing on desire levels and differences. This may involve normalizing the shame that can surface in sexual discussions. Because conversations about desire and desire differences often evoke emotional reactions, it’s important to monitor and normalize a couple’s discomfort and help partners self-soothe as they speak and listen. The personal, cultural, gender, and familial conditioning we’ve all received related to sexuality can make it a challenging issue to explore.

Just sharing and taking ownership of assumptions related to one partner’s experience of desiring sex when the other partner doesn’t, or of not being adequately responsive to a partner’s sexual needs, can start to bring important vulnerabilities to the surface. When couples calmly and openly talk about their desire or lack of desire, shame is reduced and change becomes possible.

For Marie and Jeff, identifying the differences in their desire for sex is crucial to beginning the process of truly defusing their conflicts. Once they work through the crisis of the affair, a new phase of growth and erotic development can begin. For Marie, it might involve finding ways to undo the painful messages she carries about her self-worth and her desirability. It might involve finding a group of women who support her in embracing her sexuality through dance, music, or some other expressive art. It might include exploring ways she can experience arousal and orgasm alone or with Jeff present. For Jeff, it might involve consciously allowing himself sexual fantasies and sharing them with Marie, or agreeing to read books or take courses that reduce the stigma he feels around his sexuality.

Understanding the differences in their erotic blueprint using sexologist Jaiya’s framework of energetic, sensual, sexual, or kinky might provide a way of making sense of their sexual interactions and offer pointers on how to blend their diverging approaches. Growing together erotically will be a process of overcoming hurdles and creating new possibilities. If Marie and Jeff are serious about staying together, they will learn to view their mismatched desire as a call to action.

Discussing desire—low desire, mismatched desire, and even desire for more desire—can help partners shift from a destructive, antagonistic position to one of greater understanding where each person takes more responsibility for who they are, who they want to become, and the sex life they want to create together. As Nicole Daedone points out in Slow Sex, “The more we resist our sex problems, the more irritating/frustrating/painful they become. They start to take up a lot of energy—energy we might otherwise be putting toward other things.”

Just sharing and taking ownership of assumptions related to one partner’s experience of desiring sex when the other partner doesn’t, or of not being adequately responsive to a partner’s sexual needs, can start to bring important vulnerabilities to the surface. When couples calmly and openly talk about their desire or lack of desire, shame is reduced and change becomes possible.

As shame diminishes, it’s easier to relate from a position of strength. Making implied but unacknowledged sexual expectations explicit and openly revealing feelings of anger, hurt, fear, shame, or inadequacy related to mismatched desire can help defuse hostility in other areas of a couple’s life. Acknowledging the truth of sexual needs and longings is a key step in shifting a couple into a more satisfying relationship.

References:

  1. Daedone, N. (2011). Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
  2. Jaiva. (2014). Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied: A Kinky Guide to the Best Sex Ever. New York: Harmony Books.
  3. Nelson, T. (2012). The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity. California: New Harbinger Publications.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been married to my husband for 12 years and I love him with all my heart. I would never dream of leaving him, so I want to get that out of the way right off the bat. But there is no question the spark in our marriage has faded over the years, and it leaves me wanting in some ways.

When we first got together, things were pretty hot and heavy. After we got married, and especially after we had kids, things cooled off considerably. I recognize that this pattern is probably typical. We still treat each other like best friends and do sometimes have sex (great sex, by the way), but the courting has stopped. That’s why I’m writing. I miss being courted. I am sure we both take it for granted that we are a couple and I’m sure day-to-day life saps opportunities for romance, but I miss the feeling of being wanted, the thrill of the chase, the sense that being together is not a given but rather a choice.

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I have mentioned a couple of times that I miss date nights, flowers, simple gestures, things like that, and while it’s usually met with a hug, a smile, and an “Aw, I love you, babe,” it hasn’t resulted in any meaningful attempts on his part to court me again. I feel like he’s not taking me very seriously. And I suppose I wonder just how serious I am, since I am very happily married even though I feel like things could be even better.

So I’m not sure what to do, basically. Should I just be happy that I am happy? Do I need to take initiative by courting him? Am I being stupid or selfish for wanting to be courted? Is courting even something I should expect at this stage of marriage? —In His Court

Dear Court,

No, you are absolutely not being stupid or selfish! It’s totally normal to miss the romance, passion, and excitement that typically exist in the early days of a relationship. It is also totally normal for it to have faded. Relationships, like most things, evolve and change over time. After 12 years of marriage and children, there are probably some aspects of your relationship that have deepened and grown—perhaps a sense of trust, commitment, and security.

While acknowledging the positive changes in the marriage might offer valuable perspective, it certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to miss the thrill of being wanted and pursued. So the question becomes what can you do to try to get some of that fire back? You asked if you should take some initiative by courting him; I think that might be a great place to start. Show him what you want by giving it to him, in whatever way he is most likely to recognize its value and embrace it. Perhaps he will be excited by the spark to the marriage and follow suit.

You asked if you should take some initiative by courting him; I think that might be a great place to start.

You say you have mentioned a couple of times that you miss date nights, flowers, and simple gestures. This makes me wonder if you have mentioned this in passing … a couple of times. If this is the case, it seems quite possible your husband doesn’t have a real sense of how much this means to you. He might better understand how important this is to you if you sit down and have a full conversation about this, as opposed to a passing comment here and there.

If neither of the aforementioned approaches produces the change you are seeking, you might want to partner with a couples therapist. It might seem excessive to consider seeking therapy when you describe yourself as happy and loving your husband with all your heart. However, you also describe yourself as wanting. Couples therapy can be valuable during times when a marriage is in pretty good shape but there is a little hiccup or identifiable room for growth. At this stage, given the relatively happy state of your marriage, couples therapy can be quite effective in a short period of time.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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