Thank you for reaching out with this powerful question. There are a number of reasons you may be engaging in this behavior, and I hope this response helps you to uncover some of what motivates it so that you can change it.

When behind the computer screen, it’s very easy for people to engage in behaviors they would never do in real life. The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person. One strange thing about the Internet is that while we are incredibly connected digitally, we are very disconnected interpersonally. The fact you can’t see the people you interact with online makes it easier to “other” them. When we “other” people, we don’t necessarily see them as real people with real feelings, and that makes it easier to disconnect from the reality that our words can cause actual harm.

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There is also a sense of the Internet being consequence free; you are largely anonymous, and unless someone is really motivated to find you, you’re likely to get away with this type of behavior. It is easy to see how slippery the slope can be when these two factors are combined. When they feel anonymous, people often do things they would not do in their daily lives. Those things we do when we feel anonymous are often impulses we have in daily life that are socially unacceptable or that we have been told are not allowed. When you are making these comments and “trolling” people, you likely have at least a couple of people who agree with you, which may make your behavior seem more acceptable. That could be another factor in why this is an issue for you.

The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person.

Perhaps the bigger issue here is why you feel the need to engage in these ways. Based on what you wrote, it seems as if you may get a thrill from feeling powerful and feeling as though you can whip up a frenzy just by what you say. That leads me to wonder if perhaps you are feeling less than powerful in your daily life and if this is a way for you to assert yourself. Given that you are also occasionally snappy with your parents, it may be that your life situation is one that causes you to seek power in whatever way you can find it and the Internet is an easy source.

I suggest a few things: First, seek out a qualified therapist in your area with whom you can address these feelings/impulses. Next, whenever you find yourself trolling, take the time to remind yourself that the person on the other end is a real person, with real feelings, real family, friends, and loved ones. There have been cases where people, whose emotional states we simply can’t know, have been driven to extreme despair, even suicide, due to cyber bullying. Given that you’ve reached out for help, which is courageous and admirable, I’m confident you don’t want to be one of the people who contribute to such tragic outcomes.

Please seek out the support of a therapist to find out what’s compelling you and to take steps to stop the behaviors that motivated you to write. It will likely be good for both you and the people on the other side of the screen.

Best wishes,
Lisa

You’re strong. You’re thick-skinned. You don’t take it personally when someone vents emotional distress on you.

These are admirable, useful qualities. Having thick skin makes it easier for people to be themselves with you, and for you to be with other people. It allows you to hear the message beneath the emotion, protecting you from the outburst. If you didn’t have thick skin, you could be emotionally overwhelmed or your ego could be crushed by the anger or criticism of others.

But everything has two sides. The potential negative side of being thick-skinned is being too permissive and accepting verbal abuse. The worst-case scenario is your thick skin keeps you in relationships that devolve into physical abuse. It’s important to consider when a strength has become a weakness.

Here are some questions worth asking when you feel your thick skin being tested:

1. Is the person displacing anger on you? An example of displacement is when a person is angry at a coworker but yells at the dog. It usually occurs when people can’t express anger at the person or entity they’re actually angry at: a boss, a parent, an unjust society. It happens sometimes, but if it happens often, you may have become the dumping ground for another person’s anger.
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2. Is the person’s expression of anger or criticism an attempt to repair a problem? Anger can alert us to the fact we’re unhappy about something. An expression of these feelings can be an attempt to improve your relationship. When a person’s expression of anger or criticism is controlled and respectful and the goal is improvement, a thick skin is valuable in helping you remain open to hearing what the other person is trying to communicate.
3. Is the person’s anger or criticism an attempt to hurt you? Instead of trying to improve the relationship, sometimes the goal is to hurt you. It’s never OK for someone to try to hurt you. Your thick skin could be detrimental if it allows you to ignore hurtful behavior.
4. Is the anger mild or high intensity? The intensity of anger runs on a spectrum from calm, respectful communication to red-faced shouting that is disrespectful and threatening. Your strength is a weakness if it’s allowing you to tolerate dangerous and disrespectful outbursts.
5. Is this anger coming at me typical behavior for this relationship or is it a rare outburst? If hostility toward you is typical and frequent for your relationship, your tolerance is too high. Even if you think you can take it, the anger and criticism can take a toll on your health and mental well-being. A high-intensity incident, even if rare, is cause for concern and shouldn’t be ignored.
6. Is the experience of tolerating other people’s anger isolated to one relationship or do you experience it in multiple relationships? If multiple people are getting upset with you about the same thing, then that could be an indication you have a problematic behavior you should confront. On the other hand, if multiple people—your boss, your neighbor, your friends—are all displacing their anger on you, then your thick skin may have unconsciously made you into a safe target for other people’s aggression.

The bottom line is other people shouldn’t hurt you. You might be able to take it, but maybe you shouldn’t.

Heavy metal, punk, and other loud, aggressive varieties of music have been historically blamed for things such as child murders and satanic rituals, and some may suspect their influence even today. According to a small new study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, however, heavy metal and similar musical genres might actually help calm angry listeners.

Heavy Metal: A Calming Influence?

Researchers recruited 39 people who regularly listen to music the researchers classified as “extreme”—heavy metal, hardcore, punk, and emo. Participants, who ranged in age from 18 to 34, participated in a 16-minute “anger induction” session. During the session, participants discussed high-stress topics such as relationship problems and financial problems. Researchers then gave participants 10 minutes to listen to the music of their choice and 10 minutes of silence.

[fat_widget_right]Half of the participants selected songs with themes of anger or aggression, with others choosing music that focused on themes such as isolation or loss. The participants reported that the music helped them feel calmer and happier. Researches found that the effects of listening to the so-called “extreme” music were similar to the effects of 10 minutes of silence, suggesting that both can be calming. Many participants reported feeling inspired after listening to music, and researchers noted that participants were less irritable and aggressive after hearing the music of their choice.

The research team suggests that, rather than being a catalyst for negative or aggressive emotions, angry music can help listeners process their feelings and as a result lead to greater well-being. Because the study occurred in a lab setting, researchers say they will need to replicate their findings in more natural environments. The effects of listening to angry music in a lab might be quite different than the effects associated with listening to the same type of music alone in a bedroom, for instance. Additionally, the sample size was a small one, so research on a larger group is necessary to confirm these findings.

Reference:

Head-banging tunes can have same effect as a warm hug. (2015, June 17). Retrieved from https://www.uq.edu.au/news/article/2015/06/head-banging-tunes-can-have-same-effect-warm-hug.

Violence in video games has long concerned parents, who worry about the influence on impressionable minds of controversial games such as Grand Theft Auto. In many games, players score higher when they break the (virtual) law, behave violently toward others, and maximize the pain inflicted on other players.

So pervasive is the idea that violent video games cause violent behavior that a 2010 survey found that 49% of adults believe that violent games can inspire some people to commit real-life atrocities. A study published in Psychology of Popular Media Culture undermines this claim, suggesting that violent video games do not increase violent behavior. Instead, the researchers argue, duration of play is what matters.

Violent Video Games Might Not Cause Violent Behavior

Researchers interviewed about 200 10- and 11-year-olds about their video game-playing habits. They also asked the children’s teachers about their classroom behavior, problem-solving skills, and academic engagement. Two-thirds of the children reported playing video games each day, with boys almost twice as likely as girls to engage in daily game playing. About 10% of children reported playing games for more than three hours each day.

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Children who played video games for less than an hour each day showed lower rates of aggression than children who did not play at all—even when the games in question were violent ones. Children who played for longer than three hours each day, however, had higher levels of aggression and lower levels of academic engagement. The study’s authors argue that their results show that daily video game play is not linked to an increase in aggression. Instead, prolonged play may increase aggression, though the study did not illuminate why this might be.

The Video Game Debate Rages On

Researchers in the study were careful to point out that new technologies often inspire a moral panic. At various times, parents have worried about the effects of violent movies and television, aggressive music lyrics, and even radio shows. With each technological advancement, though, there hasn’t been a sudden new wave of crime.

So, the jury is still out on the effects of video games. Research consistently finds benefits such as an increase in spatial reasoning skills, but some studies have uncovered a correlation between violent games and violent behavior. A 2014 study found that kids ages 8 to 17 who played many violent video games displayed an increase in violent behavior, even three years later. Another study found an increase in violence among teens who played violent video games.

The way a video game affects an individual child may depend on a number of factors, including parental involvement, the child’s personality, how much time the child spends on games, and similar components of a child’s environment.

References:

1. 22 charts and graphs on video games and youth violence. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://videogames.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=003627
2. Bingham, J. (2015, April 1). Study finds no evidence violent video games make children aggressive. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/11507576/Study-finds-no-evidence-violent-video-games-make-children-aggressive.html
3. Rettner, R. (2014, March 24). Do violent games boost aggression? Study adds fire to debate. Retrieved from http://www.livescience.com/44325-video-games-aggression-debate.html
4. Violent video games make teenagers more aggressive, study finds. (2012, October 8). Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/video-games/9593188/Violent-video-games-make-teenagers-more-aggressive-study-finds.html

The continuum of exposure to domestic violence ranges from chronic arguing and yelling to controlling behaviors, threats, and intimidation, to physical threats, threats of suicide or murder, to threats involving weapons, to serious injuries and fatal assaults. While domestic violence takes many forms, there is always a destructive undercurrent of power and control, with offenders commonly and compulsively grasping for in a surrogate what is lacking within themselves: control.

Any pattern of behaviors in intimate relationships marked by coercive control can be a signal or foreshadowing of abuses. And when children are involved, they are always significantly affected, remaining at risk not only of direct victimization but long-term effects stemming from exposure itself.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have reported that in homes where violence between partners occurs, there is a 45% to 60% chance of co-occurring child abuse, a rate 15 times higher than the average. Even when they are not physically attacked, children witness 68% to 80% of domestic assaults.

With April marking National Child Abuse Prevention Month, these numbers are a sobering reminder of the toll a violent environment takes on kids.

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The circumstances of domestic violence leave caregivers, emotionally and otherwise, unavailable and unresponsive, activating a primal fear in kids beneath and between a host of other raw, complex, and unresolved emotions. The pioneering psychiatrist and researcher Daniel Siegel has written, “The mind develops as the brain responds to ongoing experience. … The pattern of firing of neurons is what gives rise to attention, emotion, and memory.” And what fires together—in a combination of overtly violent exposures and the child’s underlying neurobiological experience—wires together.

The unavoidable attention given, emotions felt, and memories imprinted onto a child’s brain in moments of stress become inextricably linked together and forever taint—or else filter—feelings, beliefs, and choices in relationships and all of life. These children are not merely innocent bystanders. They are victims.

We must better understand the psychological aftermath, which can include fear of harm or abandonment, excessive worry, sadness, or guilt, inability to experience empathy or guilt, habitual lying, low frustration tolerance, emotional distancing, poor judgment, shame about the past, and fear about the future.

The unavoidable attention given, emotions felt, and memories imprinted onto a child’s brain in moments of stress become inextricably linked together and forever taint—or else filter—feelings, beliefs, and choices in relationships and all of life. These children are not merely innocent bystanders. They are victims.

Although they may be unintended victims, living within a climate of chronic emotional volatility and near acute incidents of aggression has a way of searing a neurophysiological muddle—painful and isolating emotions existing alongside ongoing and frequently unmet needs for affection and attachment.

Parents who are themselves batterers are more irritable, less involved in child rearing, more likely to use severe and erratic physical punishment, and less able to distinguish their children’s needs from their own. Both parents, regardless of culpability, risk poor emotional attunement with their children and, consequently, a decreased capacity to recognize stress and danger, protective factors which might increase a child’s resiliency.

Compared with other kids, those who have witnessed domestic violence experience far greater incidence of insomnia, bed wetting, verbal, motor, and cognitive issues, learning difficulties, self-harm, aggressive and antisocial behaviors, depression and anxiety, as well as, most troubling, adult domestic violence, with boys often becoming offenders, victims, or both, and girls more likely to become victims (Brown and Bzostek, 2003).

A growing body of literature has revealed that children who have been exposed to domestic violence are more likely than their peers to experience a wide range of difficulties, from anger, oppositional behavior, and disobedience to fear, low self-worth, and withdrawal to poor sibling, peer, and social relationships. Studies have found evidence of much higher rates of pro-violence attitudes, rigid stereotypical gender beliefs involving male privilege, animal abuse, bullying, assault, property destruction, and substance abuse.

A study by Kilpatrick, Litt, and Williams (1997) concluded that witnessing domestic violence is an experience in and of itself sufficiently intense to precipitate posttraumatic stress in children. The ongoing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study led by the CDC has classified exposure to domestic violence as one of several adverse childhood experiences contributing to poor quality of life, premature death, as well as risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States.

In addition to the exposure itself, additional factors influence impact, including the nature of the violence, age of the child, elapsed time since exposure, the child’s gender, and presence of physical or sexual abuse.

Children who witness fewer incidents of violence and experience positive interactions between caregivers may be, for instance, less detrimentally impacted than those exposed to frequent and extreme aggression. Younger children exhibit more concerning levels of psychological distress than older, more developmentally mature, children. Children are typically highly anxious and fearful immediately after witnessing an incident of domestic violence and less observably so as time passes, but of course this should not be assumed to indicate an absence of anxiety or fear. Boys exhibit more externalizing behavior problems such as aggression and acting out, while girls exhibit more internalizing behavior problems such as withdrawal and depression.

It nearly goes without saying that children who are exposed to domestic violence and are also physically or sexually abused are at a higher risk for emotional and psychological problems than those who witness such violence and are not physically or sexually abused.

Thank goodness there are protective factors that reduce the worst impacts, including a child’s literacy and overall intelligence, the extent to which the child is outgoing and socially competent, and whether the child has safe and supportive relationships with at least one influential adult (Carlson, 2000; Edleson, 2011; Hughes, et al., 2001). Those surrounding the most difficult situations have opportunity to inject resiliency through academic, emotional, and social support. We must all grapple with whether there are ways we might more effectively intervene within our families, schools, and communities to instigate help and healing.

References:

1. Brown, B., and Bzostek, S. (2003, August). Violence in the lives of children. Crosscurrents, 1. Bethesda, MD: Child Trends. Retrieved from http://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2003/01/2003-15ViolenceChildren.pdf
2. Carlson, B.E. (2000). Children exposed to intimate partner violence: Research findings and implications for intervention. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 1 (4), 321-342.
3. Edleson, J. (2011). Emerging responses to children exposed to domestic violence. Harrisburg, PA: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence/Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved from http://www.vawnet.org/Assoc_Files_VAWnet/AR_ChildrensExposure.pdf
4. Hughes, H. M., Graham-Bermann, S. A., and Gruber, G. (2001). Resilience in children exposed to domestic violence. In S. A. Graham-Bermann (Ed.). Domestic violence in the lives of children (pp. 67-90). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
5. Kilpatrick, K.L., Litt, M., and Williams, L.M. (1997). Post-traumatic stress disorder in child witness to domestic violence. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 67 (4), 639-644.
6. Siegel, D., and Hartzell, M. (2004). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. New York, NY: Tarcher.

Sexual assault, a difficult subject for many people to talk or even think about, is an unfortunate reality for the approximately 250,000 people who are sexually assaulted in the United States each year.

April is nationally recognized as Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, and April 7 is the designated Day of Action. These campaigns exist as a means to raise awareness of sexual assault in the U.S., so that people not only begin to think about sexual assault and its implications, but start doing something about it, as well.

You have the power to make a difference. Here are eight ways you can help raise sexual assault awareness and also work to prevent its occurrence in the future.

1. Educate Yourself about Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact that a person is coerced or forced to participate in against their will. According to the results from a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) survey released in 2014, nearly one in five women has experienced rape or an attempted rape in her lifetime. Research also paints a grim picture for males. Studies show that one in six men experiences some form of unwanted or abusive sexual experience in his lifetime, as well.

Sexual assault impacts the lives of both men and women, and the resulting trauma often goes far beyond the event itself. People who experience sexual assault are more likely to experience posttraumatic stress, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, drug and alcohol addictions, problems with intimate relationships, and difficulty at school and/or work.

You can help raise national awareness of sexual violence simply by educating yourself and your family. There are several national organizations that provide information and resources on sexual violence. Two of the leading organizations are:

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline 24-7, which anonymously links callers to a counselor at a rape crisis center nearest them. RAINN also offers online support, resources, and information.
• The NSVRC (National Sexual Violence Resource Center) creates and shares resources to help prevent and respond to sexual violence in the United States and around the globe. They coordinate Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), operate an online resource library, sponsor national conferences and events, and help integrate research with community projects.

2. Volunteer

There are many ways you can personally get involved in the fight to raise awareness and prevent sexual violence in your local community.

You can volunteer at a crisis center, staff a hotline, participate in fundraising events, advocate for survivors, help raise awareness and improve safety measures on college campuses, or get creative and host your own educational or advocacy event.[fat_widget_right]

3. Lobby Your Representatives

You can speak for those who do not have a voice or are not able to express it. Congress needs to hear from citizens who support legislation to improve the criminal justice system, provide support to survivors, and help prevent further violence. The RAINN Action Center has pre-written letters and tweets available to send to members of Congress asking them to support measures related to sexual assault prevention and support. You can use the RAINN hashtag #ActWithRAINN when posting about sexual violence advocacy measures this month.

4. Use Social Media

Connect with the cause and share it on social media to help increase awareness among those in your network. You can use the RAINN hashtag #ActWithRAINN to talk about the cause and connect with @RAINN01 to stay informed.

The NSVRC hosts a twitter discussion every Tuesday in April at 11 a.m. PDT. Follow the conversation or get involved through the hashtag #TweetAboutIt.

5. Learn How to Help Those Who Experience Sexual Assault

It can be difficult to know how to reach out to a loved one who has experienced sexual assault. Below are some tips to help if you are unsure of what to do:

• Lend a compassionate, nonjudgmental ear. Many people just want to be heard. They do not necessarily need advice or comments.
• Be patient and considerate. Don’t try to force your friend or loved one into seeking support or taking action if he or she is not yet ready for it.
• If the person plans to seek support or medical attention, offer to be there. As simple as it may seem, your presence alone can make a significant difference.
• If someone you know is sexually assaulted, your reaction can have an impact on his or her recovery from the trauma. Do not question what he or she was wearing or why he or she was not able to stop the assault. One of the most important things you can say to a sex abuse survivor is, “I believe you.”

6. Engage the Community

Consider reaching out to your local community to help with prevention efforts. You might talk to bar owners about the role their employees can play in prevention, seek support from faith-based or youth organizations, or encourage college faculty and staff to raise awareness and improve safety on campus.

7. Become an Advocate against Military Sexual Assault

Military sexual violence is one of the most overlooked forms of sexual assault. An estimated 19,000 service members become victims of military sexual assault each year, and at least half of those victims are men, with an estimated 38 military men being sexually assaulted every day. Unfortunately, many of these cases go unreported, as survivors rarely speak up.

You can also get involved and spread the word about prevention and support programs for military sexual violence survivors. RAINN operates a Department of Defense Safe Hotline and website for victims of military sexual assault to obtain crisis intervention, emotional support, and other related resources.

8. Donate

There are several nonprofit organizations against sexual violence that rely mostly on monetary donations from supporters to survive. Even if you cannot volunteer or take any other action, you can still help the cause by providing a donation to the organization of your choice. In addition to RAINN and NSVRC, there are several other nonprofit organizations working to prevent sexual violence and provide support, including:

• 1 in 6: an organization that helps men who have experienced sexual abuse.
• MCSR (Men Can Stop Rape): an organization that seeks to prevent male violence against women by redefining masculinity and male strength.
• NAESV (National Alliance to End Sexual Violence): an organization that helps educate the policy community about federal laws and legislation that prevent and work toward ending the cycle of sexual violence in the United States.

In addition to national organizations, there are a variety of support and prevention resources available on the local level as well. Get involved in your community. If you are unsure what projects exist near you, the NSVRC provides an online directory of local organizations and projects working to eliminate sexual violence.

We hope you will join us during Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month in supporting several important organizations working toward a safer community for all. On April 7, the Day of Action, we urge you to pick out at least one item and help us create a ripple effect of positive change for those who are suffering, those who have been victimized, and for those who we hope never have to experience the trauma of sexual assault.

References:

1. Help Someone You Care About. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (RAINN). Retrieved from: https://rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one
2. Kearl, H. (April 1, 2013). 10 Ways to Mark Sexual Assault Awareness Month. American Association of University Women. (AAUW). Retrieved from: http://www.aauw.org/2013/04/01/sexual-assault-awareness-3/
3. Penn, N. (2014). Military Sexual Assault: Male Survivors Speak Out. com. Retrieved from: http://www.gq.com/long-form/male-military-rape
4. Prevalence and Characteristics of Sexual Violence, Stalking, and Intimate Partner Violence Victimization — National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. (2014). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6308a1.htm?s_cid=ss6308a1_e
5. RAINN Action Center. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (RAINN). Retrieved from: https://rainn.org/public-policy/rainn-action-center
6. Resource Directory. National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Retrieved from: http://www.nsvrc.org/organizations?tid=8&tid_1=All
7. SAAM Day of Action (2015). Sexual Assault Awareness Month. National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Retrieved from http://www.nsvrc.org/saam/current-campaign/day-of-action
8. The 1 in 6 Statistic. 1 in 6. Retrieved from: https://1in6.org/the-1-in-6-statistic/

In a culture saturated with violent images, parents naturally worry about their children and the influence of these images on their behavior. The question of whether being exposed to violent images or interacting with violent computer or video games increases the level of violent or aggressive behavior in children is a subject of much research and debate.

Regardless of how children are affected by depictions of violence in media, it is important to remember that even children who are not exposed to violence on television and do not play violent computer or video games are often still aggressive. In fact, all children have the potential to act aggressively; it is part of our human endowment. As parents, it is our job to monitor and intervene in our children’s aggressive activity so that they (and those around them) remain safe. This can be a confusing and difficult task. However, it is made much easier if we ask ourselves a few basic questions and follow some basic guidelines:

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What Is the Difference Between Aggressive Play and Aggressive Behavior?

With aggressive play:

• No one intentionally hurts another physically or emotionally.
• The play between peers in mutual.
• The children playing understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

With aggressive behavior, one or more of the above guidelines is not followed by one or more of the children involved.

Why Do Children Engage in Aggressive Play?

• Children often feel powerless and frustrated by how little agency or control they have in their lives. Aggressive play gives children a sense of control and mastery over their environment.
• It gives children a way to express certain feelings and desires that they may not have access to or can’t yet put into words.
• It helps children work through their developing sense of right and wrong.

How Do I Handle Aggressive Play?

• Try to take a nonjudgmental attitude. Aggression is a normal part of the human condition and of your child’s emotional life.
• Make sure the situation is safe and mutual and that no one is hurt or scared.
• Keep an eye on the level of stimulation; if it gets too high and you worry it will get out of control, step in and stop/redirect the play.
• Take your own comfort into account; we each have a different tolerance level for aggression.

How Do I Handle Aggressive Behavior?

• Like with play, take a nonjudgmental attitude. We don’t want to shame our children with regard to their aggressive feelings (though we do have to intervene with their behavior).
• Point out to your child when play has become behavior. For example: “It looks like Tommy doesn’t want to play anymore,” or, “I am worried what you are doing is not safe.”
• Try to identify the stressor (if there is one) that is causing the behavior—too much stimulation, difficulty putting feelings into words, etc. If the child is old enough, point out the stressor to the child. Try to resolve stressors when possible (quiet time, giving words to feelings, etc.).
• Set limits! Your child may not be in control of their impulses and may need you to step in.

Some children who behave aggressively need more help feeling safe and in control. When you sense that your child’s aggressive behavior is interfering with the ability to function (at school, with peers or siblings, etc.) or is dangerous or out of control, it may be time to seek professional help from a child therapist or parenting expert. Your child might be struggling with a particularly difficult stressor or developmental challenge and need a bit more help getting back on track.

Author’s note: This article is written explicitly for women who have been sexually assaulted as teens or adults. Although many of the emotional and psychological issues resulting from rape are shared among all rape victims, survivors of child sexual abuse and people of other genders who have been raped may experience different symptoms from, and have different needs than, those of women.

I rarely meet a woman who has experienced rape and is comfortable using that word. In fact, in my experience most try to avoid it and instead use language such as “I had an incident,” “You could say that he touched me,” or “I had sex with him but didn’t really want to.”

There is a stigma attached to the word rape that often makes victims feel that if they say it aloud, it somehow means they are tainted or damaged. So let me be clear: While being raped can make you feel you are coming undone, in time it can become a life experience like any other challenge—that is, an experience that allows you to deepen your understanding of yourself and others, helps you grow and develop new skills, and helps you learn that strength and vulnerability are not incompatible. In other words, while being raped can shake your soul initially, with the right help and guidance, it does not have to stay that way forever.

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The stigma surrounding rape is so strong that many expect that the word “victim” not be used. We are told that there are no victims, that instead there are “rape survivors.” Well, I’m going to be a rebel today (as I am most days) and tell you that there are, in fact, victims. If you were raped, you were victimized. That’s the simple truth, whether we like it or not. The sad reality is that according to some estimates, almost one in four adult women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012); for most, it will feel like a victimization. But with time, psychotherapy, and personal growth, a woman who has been raped can feel empowered again, and eventually feel like her “normal” self—a woman who has had many life experiences: some wonderful, some difficult, but all of which contributed to growth.

There was a great scene in the television show NCIS: Los Angeles recently. Two federal law enforcement officers, Kensi (female) and Deeks (male and Kensi’s boyfriend), were talking when Kensi suddenly became quiet. Something in the conversation seemed to trigger a rape memory for her. Then Deeks said something along the lines of: “I know you want to forget it happened, but it will just keep screaming louder to get your attention until you acknowledge it.”

That’s what happens with rape. You want to pretend it didn’t happen and move on. I wish it were that simple, but there is something in our psyche that won’t allow that.

Here are five steps to slowly moving forward:

1. Acknowledge it. Say aloud that you were raped. It may feel scary at first, but trust me—eventually it will likely feel empowering. In the beginning, it’s important to be selective about whom you tell. Some people are caught up in their own issues and thus unable to respond in an appropriately supportive manner. Your safest bet is a therapist. Many therapists are trained in helping you through rape recovery and are able to be supportive and compassionate. Best friends also tend to be pretty supportive and empathetic listeners. Start with one or, better yet, both. A rape crisis hotline is a good choice, too. (Note: If you were recently raped, going to the hospital for a rape exam and police report is an important first step.)
2. Nurture yourself. It is very important to nurture yourself throughout this process. Be kind to yourself (don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a friend who was raped); be gentle with yourself; be patient with yourself; and do healthy things that make you feel good (a scented bubble bath, new hairstyle, exercise and yoga, buying yourself some flowers, etc.).
3. Discover how you feel and get it out. There are two options for this step, and doing both is better than just one: write about your rape and talk about it. Talk about your rape with your therapist. Tell the story a few times. Tell it from different angles (for example, one time talk about what you were thinking and feeling, then another time talk about what your rapist was doing and saying). Tell a few more close friends, if you feel comfortable doing so. It’s OK to tell them that you don’t want or expect them to treat you any differently, but that you appreciate their sympathetic listening. Write in a journal. Perhaps even write a letter to your rapist. (In the vast majority of cases, it’s probably best not to send the letter—that’s something you can discuss with your therapist—but the act of writing the letter can be beneficial and help you sort through your feelings.)
4. Learn. Learn about what other women have experienced. Learn about what is typical for you to be feeling, even if your experience was unique (and it was). Learn how to acknowledge and tolerate your difficult feelings. How can you do this? My favorite ways are books, workbooks, and support groups. Blogs, too! There is probably a sexual assault treatment center and/or support group in your city. Go check it out. Lean on others.
5. Nurture yourself! Go back to Step 2! It can take a few years, and perhaps decades, to work through a rape. (Some might never quite work through it, but the important thing to remember is that it’s possible.) It’s important not to focus on it every day, while at the same time not ignoring your feelings. Staying the course will help you make progress and heal.

In closing, if you were raped, I want to say this: I’m sorry about what happened to you. I’m sorry you have to go through this; no, it isn’t fair. But even without knowing you, I know you can overcome this. The human spirit can overcome a lot and is stronger than you can ever imagine!

Reference:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2012). Sexual violence; Facts at a glance. Retrieved from www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention

As more information becomes available about Elliot Rodgers, the man who allegedly killed six people in California, the media continues to focus on what his therapist did or did not do right. Therapy can and does help people who struggle with challenges such as isolation and anger, but therapists face serious ethical challenges when faced with potentially dangerous clients.

The Importance of Confidentiality

Confidentiality is the bedrock of healthy and productive therapy. Many people have fleeting angry thoughts, and it’s common to speak in hyperbole, such as in the instance that a teenager tells her therapist that she wishes her mother were dead. Mandating that any violent thought or feeling be immediately reported, then, could be an overreaction that lands nonviolent people in trouble.

Some therapists are concerned that more stringent reporting requirements could undermine good therapy. People who desperately need help may opt not to seek therapy if they are worried that doing so will land them in jail or a psychiatric hospital. People who are currently in therapy may not be fully honest with their therapists if they sense that one wrong word will cause them to be reported to the authorities. Further, targeting people with mental health issues cannot fully solve the problem, since not all spree killers experience mental health issues. In fact, people with mental health issues are more likely to be crime victims than crime perpetrators.

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The Consequences of Reporting

Despite therapists’ best efforts to maintain confidentiality and offer extraordinary care, they have an ethical duty to protect general public and report clients who make clear and specific threats of violence. The decision to report isn’t always an easy one, though. State reporting requirements vary, and therapists must determine the appropriate person or authority to report the threat to.

The consequences to a client’s life of such a report can be powerful and long-lasting. Most police officers don’t get mental health training. Calling a client’s family or spouse is not always helpful, particularly if the family is unsupportive of the client’s attempts to get better in therapy. A client who is in serious distress may make police officers feel threatened. Several people who have had suicidal thoughts or tendencies have been shot by police in the last year.

Given the risks to which clients are exposed when their therapists report them, some therapists avoid reporting until they know a threat is imminent, and by then it may be too late. There’s only so much that law enforcement can do to stop a crime, and even the best therapist can’t talk someone out of a spree killing.

Improving Care for People with Anger Issues

Joshua Nash, a GoodTherapy.org anger Topic Expert, emphasizes that people who are at risk of harming others need better care and that mental health training could begin to improve outcomes for troubled therapy clients. He explained to GoodTherapy.org,

“If we continue to view these incidents as ‘anger management‘ concerns, we fail to see the underlying issues at play. All too often anger results from unexpressed emotions and the unacknowledged irrational beliefs that spawned them. Carrying around a core belief of one’s worthlessness and powerlessness can certainly serve as a powder keg for future explosions. A direction I would love to see the mental health field move towards is an increased focus on psychoeducation for all personnel that come into contact with high risk individuals. Learning to differentiate genuine peace and calm from a forced, affected ‘okayness’ might just prevent further tragedies from occurring.”

References:

1. Experts fear proposed N.Y. gun law might hinder therapy. (2013, January 15). Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/15/ny-gun-law-therapy/1836323/
2. Fact sheets. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://depts.washington.edu/mhreport/facts_violence.php
3. Goldberg, J. (2014, May 25). Christian Alberto Sierra, Purcellville teenager threatening suicide, shot, killed by police. Retrieved from http://www.wjla.com/articles/2014/05/christian-alberto-sierra-purcellville-teenager-threatening-suicide-shot-killed-by-police-103465.html
4. Palmer, B. (n.d.). Elliot Rodger was seeing multiple therapists. Why couldn’t they stop him? Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2014/05/elliot_rodger_therapists_why_did_they_and_law_enforcement_fail_to_recognize.html

Following a traumatic event, several symptoms may arise in a person. Posttraumatic stress manifests in a variety of ways: reexperiencing the trauma via nightmares and flashbacks, avoidance of people and places that trigger memories of the event, elevated states of anxiety and arousal, and being in near-constant fight-or-flight mode, to name a few. These symptoms may last days, weeks, months, or years following traumatic experiences such as wartime combat, childhood abuse, rape, kidnapping, natural disaster, traumatic injury, or sudden death of a loved one.

Processing the emotions tied to these memories is often unsettling, and recovering from traumatic experiences typically requires a great deal of support and guidance. The good news is that there are several websites and organizations devoted to helping those who have been subject to trauma. Many are geared toward military veterans; however, plenty of sites focus on recovery for those who were victims of other forms of trauma, such as abuse or assault, whether as children or adults.

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We’ve compiled a list of the 10 best online resources for PTSD and trauma—GoodTherapy.org excluded—in 2013. As with our previous top 10 lists, our selections are based on quality and depth of content, presentation, and functionality.

• National Center for PTSD: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs hosts this site dedicated to research and education on trauma and PTSD in the lives of veterans. There is an informational section for veterans and their loved ones, as well as for professionals who are researching and providing care for those experiencing PTSD.
• Make the Connection: This site focuses specifically on offering “shared experiences and support” for veterans. The emphasis is on the power of support in the recovery process; veterans can locate local resources and access a wide range of information on dealing with PTSD as well as transitioning from service, the death of family or friends, and alcohol or drug problems. The video gallery features several personal stories of military veterans who have found hope and recovery in spite of flashbacks and other experiences. Online self-assessment screenings are also available to determine if a veteran has PTSD, depression, or a substance-abuse issue.
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Alliance: This network of professional and advocacy organizations has come together to provide an array of educational resources for those experiencing PTSD and their friends and family. In addition to combat veterans, the site is geared toward those who have experienced rape, physical assault, other forms of sexual assault, domestic or intimate partner violence, serious injury or accident, shooting or stabbing, sudden death of a loved one, childhood illness, witnessing a serious crime, and natural disaster. The PTSD Alliance also offers two free, downloadable booklets in their “resource center” to guide people through recovery.
• Gift From Within: This international nonprofit for survivors of trauma and victimization is in its 20th year of service. The site is rich with resources, information, and useful tools for those recovering from trauma of many kinds. In the “trauma support” section, tips from survivors for therapists, guided meditations, and stories from “support pals” can be accessed. In the bookstore, visitors can sift through a number of titles organized by topics, such as children and teens; healing and recovery from illness; healing and recovery for survivors and supporters; PTSD treatment, trauma, and violence; sexual abuse—male and female; and sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence.  There are also DVDs on PTSD available for purchase.
• Real Warriors: Another site devoted to combat veterans and their loved ones, Real Warriors is an engaging, content-rich resource for help with the “invisible wounds” of war. The general message is that no one goes into combat and comes home unchanged, and that cultivating resilience and “real strength” is essential to recovery. Videos and podcasts are available for viewing and download, and veterans are encouraged to reach out and get the help they need. Several veterans share their personal stories of PTSD on the site, and others are encouraged to do the same. There is also a military crisis line and live chat number for those who need immediate assistance.
• My PTSD: This site is primarily a network of forums for those who are experiencing PTSD. Specific forums are designated for combat, domestic violence, sexual abuse, and traumatic stress, as well as a general PTSD discussion thread. There are also smaller threads for topics such as book clubs, events, studies and research, and recommending trauma physicians. In the “articles” section of the site, several insightful pieces are available on a variety of helpful topics such as finding negative core beliefs, recovery, effective treatments for PTSD, and treating the trauma of rape with cognitive behavioral therapy, among others.
• Trauma Survivors Network: In partnership with hospitals across the United States, the American Trauma Society created this community-oriented network of people and their families recovering from trauma. Through the Trauma Survivors Network, people can access local trauma center information, peer support groups, peer visitation opportunities, a parent and family handbook, survivor stories, a community forum, and more. TSN’s “NextSteps” program helps survivors to become autonomous self-managers while recovering from trauma. There is also a “family class” for those who are in caregiver and support roles for those who are experiencing PTSD.
• Sidran Institute: The Sidran Institute is a nonprofit organization devoted to helping people understand and recover from PTSD, dissociation, and co-occurring issues such as substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. The site offers educational articles, resources, and information for adults, adolescents, and children who have survived trauma, as well as for schools, community support groups, and mental health and victims services professionals. Trainings are also available through the site for those who wish to deepen their knowledge of PTSD and other trauma-related issues.
• PTSD Association: Along with being greeted by a PTSD self-assessment test, visitors to this site will find a large body of useful information pertaining to PTSD. Founded by Ute Lawrence-Fisher, who survived the “most horrific car pile-up in Canadian history” in 1999, the PTSD Association aims to help those who are recovering from trauma to reclaim their lives. Clinical information, personal stories, coping strategies, and related links are among the resources available.
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network: With informational sections for parents and caregivers, medical professionals, military children and their families, and educators, the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) covers all bases of child traumatic stress. Established by the U.S. Congress in 2000, the NCTSN offers guidance, tools, and links for coping with and recovering from neglect, natural disasters, sexual or physical abuse, terrorism, grief, refugee and war-zone trauma, traumatic illness, early childhood trauma, and school, community, or domestic violence. Numbers for various child and adolescent crisis lines are also provided.

Have a website you would like to see in our Top 10? Recommend it here.

Attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) is characterized by cognitive disorganization, low attention, and impaired focus. Among the many symptoms and behaviors associated with ADHD are excess energy and externalizing behavior. Research has shown that as children with ADHD mature, their symptoms often decrease.

However, some children also exhibit signs of conduct disorder and personality problems, which exacerbate and perpetuate symptoms. This combination of psychological conditions can lead to violent behavior in some individuals. But does ADHD itself cause violent behavior?

That was the question posed by Rafael A. Gonzalez of the Forensic Psychiatry Research Unit at the University of London as the subject of a recent study. Gonzalez and his colleagues wanted to determine if ADHD by itself was linked directly to violent behavior in adults. And if so, what aspects of ADHD were most influential on violence?

To answer this question, Gonzalez reviewed responses from over 7,300 adults in the general population, using the Adult Self-Report Scale for ADHD. He also asked about violence, recurrence of violence acts, level of violence, and other comorbid issues. Gonzalez found that ADHD alone was only slightly predictive of violence. More specifically, the hyperactive behavior linked with ADHD, not the inattentive aspect, was the impetus for violence.

When Gonzalez examined levels of ADHD in relation to levels of violence, he discovered that the mild and moderate symptoms of ADHD were most closely related to repeated violent perpetration. However, severe ADHD was only associated with violence in the context of comorbidity. The most common conditions that appeared to be responsible for violent behavior in the adults with severe ADHD were personality problems, anxiety, and substance abuse.

“We thereby conclude that repetitive violence among persons with severe ADHD is associated with multiple forms of coexisting psychopathology but not ADHD,” said Gonzalez. Therefore, it is imperative that people with ADHD and co-existing psychological problems address the issues that could make them more susceptible to violent behavior. Future research should address the most effective ways to accomplish this.

Reference:
González, R.A., Kallis, C., Coid, J.W. (2013). Adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and violence in the population of England: Does comorbidity matter? PLoS ONE 8(9): e75575. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0075575

It sounds like this young girl might be stalking you. Follow your instincts here—as you say, this is a very difficult situation, and you were right to let your wife and the other camp counselors know about it. Staying away from this young lady, as you are doing, is the best course of action, but I would consider consulting an attorney as well, since the girl is a minor.

You think things are escalating and are worried about her mental health, and you would probably like to help her, just from a humanitarian standpoint. I don’t know the legalities in your state, but since you were her camp counselor, you may also be mandated to report her behavior and your fears about her mental health to her parents. I would check on this with my legal adviser and ask for any further advice, including about your Facebook account, which you might consider closing for a time. It is important not to contact her yourself, directly, as any contact may make things worse. If there is any communication at all between you, the young lady, and her parents, it should be mediated by an attorney.

Recently a memoir about a similar but much worse situation was published—Give Me Everything You Have: On Being Stalked, by James Lasdun. It’s a scary book, and I would not take it to heart as applying to yourself, but you might profit from reading about Mr. Lasdun’s experiences. Stalkers have a love-hate relationship with their victims, whom they see as ideal partners, and who they often believe are in love with them, but there is no real relationship and they in fact torture themselves and their victims with their fantasies and inappropriate behaviors.

Some people hope that, with time, the situation will just fade away and the person doing the stalking will find some other interest, but a decline in interest is not something you can rely on. Better safe than sorry—again, see an attorney.

I have no desire to alarm you any more than you are already. I agree that this situation needs to be brought to a healthy conclusion as swiftly, compassionately, and mindfully as possible.

Thank you very much for writing to Dear GoodTherapy.org for help. I wish for a speedy and positive end to this problem.

Best wishes,
Lynn