A common theme in my office lately has been difficulty with assertiveness. Whether it’s breaking off a relationship that’s no longer working, asking for a well-deserved raise, requesting an extension on a project, or setting healthy boundaries with others, many of the people I work with struggle with voicing their needs and advocating for their best interests.
The inability to speak up and ask for want we want often stems from a variety of subconscious fears and/or irrational belief systems. We may be afraid of making others mad or hurt, reluctant to put anyone else out, or terrified of appearing demanding or unreasonable. We tend to hold onto irrational belief systems that tell us we are responsible for the feelings of others. Thus, we avoid making requests that may create any form of discomfort or tension. Sometimes we hold deep-seated attitudes that the needs and wants of others are more important than our own. We ultimately wind up shutting down and remaining silent—in other words, being passive or non-assertive.
The problem with an inability to be assertive is that it often goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. When we are unable to be assertive, we may set into motion a vicious cycle where feelings of unworthiness are reinforced, leaving us even less empowered to stand up and take proper care of our needs. When we are unable to be assertive, we send ourselves a subtle yet powerful message that we are not good or worthy enough. It’s a form of self-belittling that becomes a destructive habit over time. The portrayal of weakness, indecisiveness, or inhibition is also conveyed to others, leaving us more vulnerable to being depreciated or taken advantage of.
As we remain silent in various situations, we may also begin harboring feelings of frustration and anger, leading to a buildup of resentment that results in assertiveness being all the more difficult. Many people find themselves initially unable to speak up, but ultimately reaching a boiling point, after which they cross the line and wind up engaging in aggressive communication or behavior.
When we are able to speak up for ourselves, we set a tone of equality, honesty, and mutual respect. Acting assertively allows us to establish healthy boundaries with others and to improve our chances of fulfilling our needs and meeting our goals.
I tend to view assertiveness on a continuum, with healthy assertion being the middle ground and goal, and non-assertion and aggression being the two opposite-end extremes. Assertiveness training is an important part of the work I do in helping individuals to build self-esteem. One of the most useful and encouraging things to know is that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved upon. It is not necessarily an inherent personality trait. Rather, it takes a concentrated effort to develop it.
In Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th edition), Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons define assertive communication as “direct, firm, positive—and when necessary persistent—action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships.” They say “assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our feelings honestly and comfortably.”
When we are able to speak up for ourselves, we set a tone of equality, honesty, and mutual respect. Acting assertively allows us to establish healthy boundaries with others and to improve our chances of fulfilling our needs and meeting our goals.
Most importantly, assertiveness helps us to build and maintain healthy self-esteem.
There are always going to be situations where certain assertive messages do not result in the end goal being achieved. You may not get the promotion, extension, appreciation, or respect you are asking for. There will always be challenging, difficult, or abusive people who refuse to embrace your assertiveness or fail to match your level of healthy communication. Don’t be discouraged. The fact you tried to advocate for your desires and needs sends a powerful message that you value and respect yourself enough to speak up.
Remember it does take effort and it may involve some work to challenge the irrational beliefs that stand in your way. But with practice and determination, you can become more assertive, build self-esteem, and experience a more rewarding quality of life.
Reference:
Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2008). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships (9th ed.). Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers.
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