Silence Can Be Golden: Talk Therapy Without the Talking

A person sits with hands clasped in front of face, thinking. Back of therapist's head is also visibleI love to talk. I can sit and watch one of those movies where nothing seems to happen except a bunch of people sitting around a room chatting. I can still be riveted because I love hearing ideas. I like words.

But talk therapy doesn’t always mean a lot of talking. Sometimes it gets quiet in therapy, and that’s okay.

In fact, it can be good.

If you think I’m “talking” out of both sides of my mouth here, it’s probably because I’ve written on this site about how talking about anything, even if it’s not something you think is related to your issue, can bring you to new realizations. It can open a door to your psyche. It can make connections about why you do things that you might not have figured out without the winding, goal-less, meandering free chat.

Yet, in some cases those words could obscure what’s really going on. They may get in the way of some important feelings. In fact, talking can be the very defense we use to avoid having certain feelings.

The Ultimate Therapy Cliché

“How are you feeling?”

It’s a pretty clichéd therapy line. So much so that when I was a young therapist I told myself I’d never say it. I didn’t want to be compared to the long line of bad TV and movie therapists; I’d have something much more insightful to offer.

Ha.

I soon realized that it’s a cliché because people often don’t know what they’re feeling.

Sometimes the question is actually fairly stressful, and for good reason. Some people spend so much time thinking and talking that they never really connect with what they are feeling. If they are asked, “How are you feeling?” the most honest answer they may be able to give is, “I don’t know.”

And that’s fine. “I don’t know” is always a fine answer. At least as a starting point. It can be a relief to say it. Correct: you don’t know. That’s why you’re here.

And then … silence. And then you sit with that unnamed feeling.

Finding the Feeling in the Silence

If you’re a storyteller, then these are important, rich, and scary moments. It can be exasperating because you often really, really want to know. And I’d love to tell you—but I don’t know how you feel, either. My tool is I’m very aware of how I’m feeling when I’m with you. And that can be helpful to share.

Therapy is not a “conversation.” It’s not a normal situation. It’s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level.

But in general, we need the silence so you can check in with yourself and see where that feeling is. Maybe it’s in your body—many physical sensations are signs of a feeling we’re having before we’re aware of it.

Heck, the “anger management” field is practically built on the idea that if we can sense that first sensation indicating we are angry (tight stomach, hot face, clenching fists), we may be able to prevent ourselves from being taken over by an uncontrolled feeling expression.

For my part, often if I have a headache, it’s a signal I’ve been feeling sad and I need to allow that feeling in. Sometimes the headache needs to pound to let me know I need to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop talking—and just feel.

Why Silence in Therapy Is Different

Therapy is not a “conversation.” It’s not a normal situation. It’s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level. It’s often pushing against what generally makes sense as to how we go about our lives. This is why it takes time to build trust with your therapist. It’s so when you sit in silence, you can trust that you and your therapist are both still working. You’re both allowing a process to unfold and occur and not know where it’s going.

The silence gives you time to connect with your therapist—and then tell them—what you’re feeling. Something like:

  • “When we’re not talking, I get upset because I feel you’re not helping me anymore.”
  • “If you don’t talk, I feel like you’re abandoning me. It makes me feel very alone.”
  • “You’re getting paid for nothing! You must love it when we don’t talk. What am I to you, just a cash cow?”
  • “I don’t know what to say. I’m stuck.”

How refreshing would it be to say that to someone whose job it is to process it with you? It’s a chance to better understand how you come across in an environment with someone who won’t leave you.

Trust this part of the process.

Trust the silence. It can say so much.

© Copyright 2017 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Justin Lioi, LCSW, therapist in Brooklyn, New York

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Bill

    Bill

    February 21st, 2017 at 2:49 PM

    Now why would I go and pay good money just to sit in an office and say nothing of any importance??
    I can do that at home and get just about as much out of it
    or am I missing something here?

  • leona

    leona

    February 22nd, 2017 at 7:33 AM

    Think of all the times we try to fill the void with mindless chatter because more of us are uncomfortable with being silent. We think that to be talking is what we have been put here for, that it is our job to fill that void that silence causes without ever listening to and actually enjoying that silence. If we could do a better job being comfortable with the time and energy that the silent times can actually bring us ten maybe we could learn a little more not just about ourselves but about others as well.

  • George

    George

    February 23rd, 2017 at 7:32 AM

    Silence can be golden, I look forward to my own quiet times every evening. It is nice to have that little bit of time to process my day without any interruptions or other distractions.

  • carroll

    carroll

    February 23rd, 2017 at 12:11 PM

    I agree with you George!
    There are days when I am up to my limit on the mindless conversation that goes on around me all day long.
    I am all for when you have something important to say or something relevant to add to the conversation but when it all seems to be more about filling the time instead of having something meaningful to add, then I just prefer you to be quiet.

  • William

    William

    February 27th, 2017 at 5:18 PM

    I sometimes find that I am most at peace when I don’t have any other noises or people anywhere around me These are the times when I can collect my thoughts, really become mindful of what I am feeling at that moment and whether I would like to delve a little deeper into those feelings. That silence can bring me such peace is certainly not an unusual think I wouldn’t think. I actually believe that if more people would try to become a little more comfortable with that silence then we might all learn a lesson in getting to know ourselves a little bit better.

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