Wired for connection, baby daughter looks into her mother’s eyes needing to see delight reflected back to her. What if, instead, baby’s gaze is met with emotional emptiness? Lights out. Nobody home.
And what if this blank stare isn’t the manifestation of a temporary hormonal condition but instead indicative of something more troublesome? What if mom’s emotional tank is perpetually low and she has little or nothing to give her daughter?
If mom didn’t get the love and affirmation she needed when she was young, then her daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” learns quickly that mom’s needs—and not her own—are at the center of the relationship.
The emptiness mom feels inside can threaten to swallow both mother and daughter. There simply aren’t enough good feelings to go around. And like a bucket with a slow leak, the narcissistically defended mother’s good feelings about herself are in constant need of a refill. In response, the daughter learns to put her own needs on the back burner as she works to fill mom up.
Many a “good daughter” learns making mom happy is necessary for their own emotional survival. To this end, the “good daughter” manages to subvert/suppress/deny her own needs to take care of mom.
The “good daughter” learns to:
- Look good for mom: The “good daughter’s” demeanor, appearance, and accomplishments must reflect well on mom.
- Act happy for mom: The “good daughter” acts cheerful, enthusiastic, and puts on a positive face so as not to overwhelm mom. Bad moods, setbacks, and struggles must be short-circuited, if not hidden.
The Cost of Being the ‘Good Daughter’
In the normal course of development, the “good daughter,” attuned to her mother’s needs, may bury her own needs for the mother’s sake. Understandably, these needs and feelings do not disappear. When these repressed needs surface, the “good daughter” may feel like a fake.
Sadly, when the “good daughter” of the narcissistically defended mother needs support from mom regarding loss, disappointment, or struggle, she may find that mom has little to give.
Mom isn’t evil, although her actions are frequently destructive. Simply put, a mother who is narcissistically injured is consumed with preserving and replenishing her impoverished sense of self. Her emotional tank is empty. The narcissistic defense means mom is forever in a relentless pursuit of the emotional supplies she did not get during pivotal times in her own development. Additionally, mom may feel the need to disguise her neediness, which may result in denial, defensiveness, and manipulation of her daughter.
When mom experiences deep insecurities, her parenting may be slightly or profoundly impaired.
Healthy functioning is restored when both mother and daughter are free to be themselves and no one needs to “be good” for anyone else.
Because the daughter has subverted her own needs, she runs the danger of becoming disassociated from those needs. She becomes “good” at the expense of being real. This can result in the “good daughter” feeling like an impostor, a fake, just waiting to be found out.
Because she is disconnected from her authentic self, the “good daughter” worries underneath it all that she isn’t good enough.
Since her sense of self is rooted in making another person happy, she is at risk for codependency in her relationships. And because she is used to making another person’s happiness the basis for her feelings of self-worth, she may base her sense of self-worth on her own daughter’s successes.
This is how being “good” for mom isn’t necessarily good for daughter. Or daughter’s daughter, for that matter.
Healing is possible, however. The “good daughter” must get in touch with her authentic self and start to mend the places within that she has long denied. In doing so, she enables herself to parent from a place of wholeness and confidence, and to empathize and accept both her own needs and her daughter’s. By becoming aware of and reclaiming forgotten parts of herself, the daughter of a mother with narcissism can end the cycle of maternal narcissism.
Healthy functioning is restored when both mother and daughter are free to be themselves and no one needs to “be good” for anyone else.
Note: The generalizations above may not apply to all dynamics in a family affected by parental narcissism. Also, although this article refers specifically to a mother and daughter for the purpose of narrative cohesion, any gender combination of parent and child can be similarly touched by narcissism.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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