I’m Introverted and Socially Awkward. How Can I Make Friends?
Dear Socially Stymied,
Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by “sarcastic” I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend. (Or if it’s taken as the latter even if you intend the former, by someone who doesn’t yet know you.)
Suspicion and negativity, too, can be used for self-protection, thus I make a very rough guess that perhaps there is a fear of being hurt. I’m wondering if you have been hurt by people in the past and are wary of trusting again? Or is there a crisis of confidence or self-esteem that might make you wary of allowing people to get to know you? (The fear of “once people really know me, they won’t like me” is very common.) I can assure you that everyone goes through such a challenge at one time or another; people who question their confidence or abilities are almost always harder on themselves than anyone else.
The other theme in your message is loneliness. When you say you have neither a best friend nor any friends, my heart twinged. Perhaps there’s some frustration and confusion there. Of course, I am highly biased given my profession, but this kind of conundrum—wanting to be safe while wanting to connect with others (who might potentially hurt or disappoint us)—is very common and precisely what a good psychotherapist would explore with you in a safe, productive manner. If my first deduction about self-protection is true, then it stands to inference that some past experience has left an emotional scar. I have a therapist friend who says that no one escapes trauma completely, that there is trauma with a big “T” and a little “t”. Even little t’s can make one wary of new relationships.
It also might be worth pausing to reflect about the negativity and sarcasm, which can be endearing or off-putting, depending on context. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by negativity. And if you’re being sarcastic about some pop-culture figure or the latest politician in trouble, for instance, that can be an icebreaker; if it’s about the host of the party, it could backfire. You may have a dry wit, for instance (which I always appreciate), but does it come across more cutting than you intend?
Here’s a little tip: People like to talk about themselves and what they do. Not because people are self-centered but because they’re looking to share their stories and, in many ways, reduce the isolation and loneliness you’re describing. To have another person actually interested in us and our experiences is reassuring. In fact, I’d say all of my clients struggle mightily with this issue; some modern psychologists believe loneliness and alienation is our culture’s biggest challenge. (Read Erich Fromm, Ernest Becker, or Viktor Frankl’s superb Man’s Search for Meaning if you’re interested in this.) In fact, I have found success socially—in spite of shyness—because I like to hear people’s stories and share a little of my own. As the old adage goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.” (It’s also a great way to get dates, by the way, provided the person allows equal air time.) It continues to amaze me how we humans have so much more in common, emotionally and psychologically, than we realize. We are all pretty much in the same cosmic boat.
I wish you the best of luck and would comfortably guess the problem is not as dire as it feels. And there’s no shame in getting a little help to iron out temporary challenges, which all of us have at one time or another. Thanks again for writing.
Sincerely,
Darren
Darren Haber
- 36 comments
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lil
February 9th, 2013 at 4:30 AMIs this who you really are or is this just what other people have always said about you and you have internalized it and come to believe it?
There are so many different ways to meet new people. Have you tried church nor something like that? That can be a great place to meet other people in a setting where they should not be judgemental of you at all!
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Dee
May 23rd, 2015 at 6:05 PMI want so much to just have one friend.My only friend is in N,C.I am so lonely most days,I feel the pain will never end.
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AmyMarie
May 29th, 2015 at 9:24 AMI read this article recently. It said the easiest way to meet someone at a gathering is to go up to someone, stick out your hand, say hi. I don’t know anyone here… my name is (fill in blank). They will tell you their name. Ask them how they came to be at that place. You tell them how you came to be there. It goes from there. I have yet to try it but reading this gave me a sense of relief. There are many introverts in this world. We are not alone, as much as it might seem sometimes(: If for some reason the person is rude, move along, they weren’t worth knowing in the first place. Good luck!
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Pamela
June 18th, 2017 at 2:54 PMHi. I am currently unemployed. Despite having three degrees I am having problems getting a job. I was laid off from my job due to lack of work. I will be out of unemployment benefits in three weeks. I have two job interviews this week, but I feel too socially awkward. The one interview is for a paralegal position. I just had an interview for a law firm and didn’t get the job. I am a child abuse survivor. I just lost my therapist. How will I make it through this? I am really getting scared. Funds are getting low. Thanks so much. I do know I am responsible for my actions. I want to be a success but I feel so beaten down right now.
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Ginger.
February 9th, 2013 at 11:49 AMI have never really had this problem so it is kinda hard to relate to it. But I understand that there has to be a lot of pain and frustration that you are experiencing as a result of this consuming shyness and anxiety.
The one thing that I can say that I see as a good this is that at least you have started to feel like maybe this is not the life that you want to lead. You are looking to have something more in life and something better and I think that this is a very good start for you. I think that once you put yourself out there you will see that there are probably a lot of people who want to get to know you and that you would like to get to know too. I wish you the best of luck!
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Brian
February 10th, 2013 at 9:18 AMEverybody has doubts of the self.When you’re unsure and lack confidence know that it is the same for most people if not all. Do not think of yourself as inferior. Everybody is worried about their reputation and likeability quotient.If you can convince yourself that you are no less than anybody or that others do not judge you as you do to yourself you would be good to go!
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aziz
February 11th, 2013 at 3:54 AMHave you ever tried working with a therapist one on one? This could make a huge difference for you
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madeline
February 11th, 2013 at 3:10 PMI had this problem and am currently employing the following technique. early days but hey its starting to show it works:
just get out and meet new people. say whatever you want to. you think you sound stupid?so what? those people are not going to remember what you said a few days later. and anyway if they find you stupid you don’t have to worry at all. because they will not be a friend to you. DO NOT care about what other people think. that is the main concept at work here.
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monasa
February 12th, 2013 at 12:47 PMYou feel like that because you think the next person may not accept you for who you are. The reality is that that person next door is exactly the same as you. Whatever your feeling, they feel too, however as they’ve made themselves come across as a confident person, that’s all it took for people to start ‘accepting’ them or ‘knowing’ them as a confident person. Its the same with you, because you’ve so frequently come across as an inward or shy person, most people like that walk around in a bubble that gives of a message saying ‘stay away, i’m in my world’ that people are often scared to break so don’t talk to. Try this, for one day, just imagine that the people around you are all babies, little small, cute babies that you don’t care how you come across to.And literally speak your heart out, just for one day, and see how it works. Best case scenario, a conversation strikes up with someone and you get to know them perhaps. Worst case scenario, You’ve perhaps shouted. Just try it, see if it works, just for a day!
Good Luck and I hope you find the bestest friends ever!
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Darren Haber, MFT
February 16th, 2013 at 10:17 PMThanks to all those who wrote in comments.
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SixxBoomBang
February 21st, 2013 at 1:33 AMThis isn’t professional advise but your introverted ways might be a sign of being able to be self sufficient and people not fulfilling what standard you might imagine them to be at. For example if you were in a role playing club, one might expect everyone there to be interested in role playing. After going a few days you find that the group does role play but it is in such a mocking way that you would consider it a joke rather than a different style of playing and thus you leave.
In addition to the many problems each person must hurdle to make a new friend we must also hurdle the expectations we have for others or that they have for us. Its part of what makes things hard for me at least.
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Mike
November 20th, 2013 at 8:03 PMyoutu.be/Iy2k5vM3qLs
Awkwardly making friends.
You’ll be fine.
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Lisa
January 1st, 2014 at 4:20 PMHi, looking for a good therapist for my 16yr son that is very sad and depressed. All he wants is to know where he fits into this world and wants to feel some happiness. Very smart but needs help to get back on track. Much more, but would like to find some help that works with this age. Anaheim, Ca.
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Darren Haber
January 2nd, 2014 at 7:28 AMHi Lisa. Pls send me your email to darren@therapistinlosangeles.com and I’ll send you some referrals. Thanks to you and everyone for the excellent responses!
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Andrew Burgon
April 14th, 2014 at 5:34 PMSocially Stymied,
Time to get your feet wet. If parties cause you anxiety then start by finding individuals and small groups to hang out with socially then ease into parties by going to small ones or ones that your friends are going to. It’s not mandatory, of course, to attend parties but they do offer some great social experiences. You may find that you might be more comfortable at a particular kind of party like a board game party or a comedy party.
If you follow this route two things in particular should grow if you are determined to make friends. Your social capacity and your social confidence.
Social capacity has to do with how many people you can socially accommodate in your life. My social capacity grew to a point where I could easily get 15 people up for a game of beach volleyball or 20 for a party at my home. As for social confidence it’s a game changer that will help you draw the kind of friends you desire into your life.
Being overly shy, having poor self-esteem or an inferiority complex need to be ditched. These things give off a wrong vibe, may cause us to behave strangely and worst of all hold us back from having the friends we desire. So the next time you feel like avoiding social interaction with somebody because you feel they won’t like you do the exact opposite! If you keep doing this you should find that this feeling that people won’t like you will diminish.
Andrew Burgon
Project Fellowship -
Brandon
July 12th, 2014 at 3:24 PMYou say do the exact opposite or to do things that describe an introvert in the opposite ……. We/us/they are introverts for a reason!! It isn’t in your so called “nature” to just do what you say to do so ….. You act like you make yourself out to be an introvert but have changed cause of one person cause of one drunken night out….. I’ve got friends who who people from who knows where and I know some of them I rather just keep walking an pretend I didn’t see them…. You should seriously do your research before making a comment in how to fix things you clearly know very little about….
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krithi
January 23rd, 2015 at 8:17 AMI am facing the exact same problems right now. I’m a 20 year old female. I feel really lonely most of the time. I can’t even express myself to anybody except probably my family. I easily give in to anybody, not being able to say no, thus end up doing things for them. Having to meet people scares me. I have always been this way. If I have a normal conversation with people for once, not feeling awkward or anxious, that would make my day. Please let me know if it is at least possible to make my life a little better. Thank you.
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Ellie
February 27th, 2015 at 7:31 PMI agree with Brandon. Most of the responses have no knowledge of what it is to be an introvert. You are born introverted or your not. It’s not something to “fix” or a result of being damaged. In fact it was first discovered in a test done with infants.
As a self aware introvert I know that parties are not for me and to use Andrew’s term I have a very small social capacity, yet I lead a very healthy, fulfilling life. It is common for introverts to not enjoy small talk or the other superficial social behaviors that are usually used to initiate relationships. This is probably why you worry that what you say sounds stupid. It probably feels fake to you. Personally I love when I am just comfortable being near someone without having to fill the space with pointless blather. The conversations I do enjoy are centered around my specific interests so when I do choose to meet a new person or two I look for small intimate groups centered around the things I am interested in and don’t mind talking about.
For years I tried to maintain a lot of friendships and thought there was something “wrong” with me that it didn’t come easy and that I didn’t enjoy a lot of the things that others considered fun. I don’t like parties, large crowds, social gatherings, or crowded clubs or bars. I also thought that I was worried that people wouldn’t like the real me. I’ve discovered over the last two years that the truth is that I was worried that when i really got to know people I wouldn’t like them-and I’d be alone again. Now besides my husband and two kids I have one really great friend. We usually talk once a day but when I need a little space and we don’t talk for a little while she doesn’t hound me and make me feel guilty.
Hang in there. I am sarcastic and introverted too. But I have a great life with less than a handful of great people. You can get there. Read up on being an introvert, find a very small group about something you really like to do, read, or talk about even if it is just online (where you will most likely feel more safe) and be patient. Let go of what society says “normal” friendships look like and hold out for the perfect fit. Don’t feed into the crap that you are broken or need to be fixed. Enjoy the time to yourself to pursue things you are passionate about without being held up by other’s plans and without wallowing in the fact that your life doesn’t look like an episode of Friends.
Much love to you. -
Natalie
June 4th, 2015 at 6:10 PMHey, I’m an 18 year old with social anxiety. I have two part-time jobs and don’t really have time to socialize I guess I’m extremely shy & introverted. I have trusting issues and can’t open up with anyone not even family. I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I used to like almost 2 years ago when I used to live in California but now I live Arizona. I barely know people & I wish I can start over and be more social. I don’t know what to talk about. I PANIC. I feel very lonely & embarrassed I have no friends. How can I make new friend. I really want to connect with people. Really badly. Just writing this makes me feel soooooo much better….
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Darren Haber
June 4th, 2015 at 9:04 PMHi Natalie, thanks for writing. You seem like a nice person so I’m curious about having no friends. As a therapist I have the nagging suspicion that your social anxiety might possibly be symbolic of something psychologically vulnerable — anxious you might be judged, rejected, or otherwise turned away. Or, sometimes social anxiety is related to some deeper shame or lurking sense of inadequacy, that the other person might see “through” whatever social persona you have and discover something shameful. (Often this happens when a person grows up in a school or home situation(s) where it felt unsafe to be fully oneself.) Sometimes joining a therapy group can really help people work through these fears; some find an activity that is enjoyable (such as sports, spiritual or religious groups, cultural groups such as music or acting or improv classes) makes it easier to interact with others when a sense of play is involved, and a common interest is established. I would also bet that if you ever voiced your anxiety, you’d find just about everyone could identify. We all want to be liked and fear disapproval to some degree. It could also be — just a guess here — there’s possibly something unsettling about making friends in your new place, which might truly establish you have left California, meaning there is underlying fears or feelings about loss or change which is sad or distressing, or that you’ll remain alone if you don’t make friends. At any rate I appreciate your honesty and glad posting was helpful.
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Hiroshi
June 8th, 2015 at 9:56 PMHi there everyone, I also happen to be an 18 year old that just graduated from High School and I used to have a bunch of “friends” but then they all ended up ditching or abandoning me and the thing is, I just don’t know the reason why, I mean I always stuck to their side no matter what whenever they needed a real friend even if they screwed up in a really messed up way hundreds of times and I’d always forgive them, because I thought that that’s what true friends really do, but then the second that I’d mess up by doing one tiny little thing they’d over react and that’s when instantly the friendships would cease to exist, so ever since I graduated I see that all the people from High School that used to be my “friends” are all moving on and having their own separate lives now and they’re moving on with their own little social circles while I stay alone at home just doing the same lame routines of staying inside playing video games, going on youtube, sleeping, eating, and repeating the cycle, it just makes me question really if I’ll ever have actual friends again because I did actually used to but they all changed for the worst, (and that’s why they stopped being friends with me), and if it’ll even be worth it since every time I make a new “friend” they always end up using or backstabbing me, especially the last time I tried to make a new “friend” all they did was pretend they were my friend so that they could steal my girlfriend and in the end, with all the experiences I’ve had with “friends” it’s made me alienate myself from everyone, since it also just seems like everyone around me isn’t into the same things that I’m into, I wonder if I’ll always be this lonely introverted person that has zero communication with any humans since in the end, it just doesn’t seem worth it.
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Jessica
July 8th, 2015 at 11:55 AMI’m an introvert that’s been diagnosed with social anxiety. I’ve got a girlfriend and a small number of * friends *. I am very awkward in crowds, parties and around people in general.
My best times are when I’m alone, listening to music, and spending time with my dog. It takes a lot for me to go to a party. I go over every little thing that could go wrong before any social event. I’m 26 years old and am always battling mentally what is showing most. Me being an introvert, or my social anxiety.
My girlfriend is the only human interaction I do not mind. She’s the most understanding humanbeing on this earth. She broke down my walls and made me believe in love and friendship again.
This is only a peek of my story. Don’t wanna give away too much. -
Dave
July 25th, 2015 at 10:03 AMAutism maybe????
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Nicole
August 29th, 2015 at 7:26 AMI have similar issues. I’m a 20 year old female at university with a summer job. I don’t feel like I can connect to anybody. I genuinely don’t know what to say in social situations, and end up saying the wrong thing and making myself look stupid. I’m not a shy person- I fact, I’m very confident and bubbly really, just have no social skills. I constantly feel like I’m invisible and like I contribute nothing good to a group of friends. I always feel like nobody wants to speak to me, and even if they did, I wouldn’t know what to say. I have a fear of being ridiculed by others and just feel like nobody ever wants me around. It makes me incredibly lonely. I’ve no idea how to move on from this block.
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ranionna
September 14th, 2015 at 2:11 PMIve been trying for years to overcome what i mistakenly thought was the biggest of problems, im 28 now.. i did make it ..i made some friends And i still think im unhappy ..i think i lose interest very soon .. lately i discovered that the core of my problem is that im neither interested in parties nor in small stupid activites where there would be small talks .. i wanna make friends .. but i really hate shallow people .. showy people .. i hardly enjoy the supposedly funny stories and jokes they start to tell in a gathering or whatever .. and im proud of myself .. i like the few true friends i have besides my family and children .. i no more find it a problem that im introverted and that people dont remember to invite me first to parties .. i wish to find introverts like myself and make our own circle ..
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Natalie P
September 14th, 2015 at 11:13 PMHey,
So I’m 19 years old I’ve been living Arizona for over a year now had 2 jobs & go to church. But I still haven’t made 1 friend. My brothers have been here for a few months and they already have friends. Why can’t I? People say I’m nice and pretty but they also say I’m very quiet. Why can’t I connect with people? How can I fix this problem? I feel so alone and isolated. Why don’t people like me? I don’t know. Please help. I’m desperate. It may not sounds like a big deal but in my mind it is. It’s embarrassing. Thank you. -
The GoodTherapy.org Team
September 15th, 2015 at 5:08 PMHi Natalie,
Thank you for your comment. Transitions and change can be very difficult! It can take much longer than we expect to adjust. A therapist may be able to help you work through the isolation and loneliness you’re describing. You can look for a therapist in your area on the GoodTherapy.org therapist directory, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.htmlWishing you the very best,
The GoodTherapy.org Team -
mondee_26
November 8th, 2015 at 1:35 AMI feel you
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Ken
December 21st, 2015 at 2:53 AMI hear you. I am married and live in phoenix, and both my wife and I are introverted and spend the days playing video games and watching anime.
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Anonymous
December 4th, 2015 at 12:12 AMHey so I am 16 and lived most of my life in my home country South Korea.I was born in Germany , moved to Washington state then moved to korea you may be thinking how and why in the heck I moved to Korea. Well my dad was in the army and got transferred over here. Anyways I was always outgoing and not very shy with an exception of when I’m around my crush lol, and had many childhood best friends since I lived in Korea basically my whole life. But just recently I moved to Cali, around last year. This is where it all began. I’ve became very socially awkward and I really hate it because I was never socially awkward to begin with. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it because I’m not using to making new friends since ive had the same friends my whole life? Is it because I have a hard time trusting these people? These are questions I ask myself all the time and I think yes its because I am not use to making new friends and being completely away from my friends.I was even socially awkward when one of my friends back in Korea visited me.. I need help
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Anonymous (same person)
December 4th, 2015 at 12:26 AMI just wish I could go back, never moved to Cali, and have everything be the same again
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Darren Haber
December 4th, 2015 at 9:46 AMHello and thanks for your post. I appreciate your honesty. If you are open to counseling that might help, there is no shame in seeking assistance as many people struggle with this but don’t discuss it. You can probably even look on this site to find good Cali therapists in your area. Thank you again for writing. Please don’t give up, the help is there if you look for it. That is half the battle!
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Theresa
February 28th, 2016 at 3:33 AMMy advice: when you’re ready to converse with people – you will. :) Introverts have a very sweet, outgoing personality and anyone who says different never took out the time to be friends with the quiet ones. I’m 32 and I have a busy life being a single mom and getting my second degree in education to be a high school world history teacher. Growing up I wasn’t as outgoing as I am now and some days I still struggle but I get better at it.
The thing is – you’re not socially awkward – you just would like a meaningful friendship with good people. The hardest part is keeping fulfilling friendships that doesn’t jepordize your well being. You will come across difficult people, but its not the end of the world or your beautiful life. I have some suggestions: take a deep breath and come up with your own mantra. Like “I’m awesome!”, enroll in a class of your interest or try a new hobby with a small group of people. There’s lots of coffee shops, and libraries. You can also look at videos of how others interact. I’m not a club person and never was but try lounges which is a very laid back atmosphere. I have chatted with cool people when I played pool. Once you find your niche you’ll figure out how to navigate through life. Life is what you make it but don’t force yourself. You are likeable and wonderful! Tell yourself that everyday even when you have pangs of self doubt. Even the best of people who may seem like they have everything have bad days. Sometimes the folks who appear to be perfect at communication have had their struggles and it took them some time to get comfortable with themselves. Love YOU FIRST. Write down what you desire in reference to be more social and work on them step by step. Get an national or international pen pal, make friends/join a group on Facebook or other socal media, comment on blogs. Start slow and small. And it’s okay to pull away when you’re uncomfortable. You can totally do this! Therapy helped me also. There’s lots of positive avenues you can take to be more social – google is a great start for research. One day at a time and you’ll do great! I know you can!
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David P
October 14th, 2016 at 1:28 PMI need some advice, my son is 13 and attends public school and since 6th grade he had one close friend. At the beginning of this school, this kid tells my son he doesn’t have time for him anymore. Now my son has no friends, I am very upset and maybe over reacting, but I am worried about my boy.
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Noah77
March 10th, 2017 at 4:53 AMI fell all the comments relates me … Feels like why I’m so stupid?? Help me go through with this situation ….please Dr. .××××××
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Whitney
February 19th, 2019 at 8:36 AMI’ll be your friend honestly that sounds like the exact same as me
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