How Do I Shake the Anger I Feel after My Husband’s Affair?
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Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity. Your husband broke your trust. Your relationship has been damaged. All of this is very real and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.
Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. I’m guessing you are also tremendously hurt. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your pain, but it will slow your healing. Admitting and confronting the pain behind the anger is essential, and it requires vulnerability—which is hard when you are dealing with this kind of breach of trust.
Time, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what it is you might need from your husband to help you with that healing. I’m guessing that right now apologetic words and acts of contrition are not helping you let go and move on. Often, when we have been hurt, we need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are. Your husband may think he has accepted responsibility and gets how hurt you are, but it can take time for the empathy you need to feel from him to actually be heard and felt in a meaningful way. Until that happens, the rest of the healing—grieving, letting go, reconnecting—can’t really move forward.
There are many ways people choose to apologize, and some really are better than others. “I’m sorry” alone rarely makes us feel better. “I’m sorry for everything” can also feel general and unsatisfying. If, however, we hear, “I’m sorry for doing [specific action] and making you feel [accurate reflection of feeling],” we can feel understood and see that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us move forward.
While you are waiting to feel that empathy, however, there are steps you can take to reduce your distress. Although your husband’s actions created this situation, his actions alone won’t necessarily change it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make us feel a certain way—we have a part in choosing our own reactions. What we feel often comes from the meaning we make of an event. What does this affair mean to you? What are you telling yourself about it?
For example, are you telling yourself that his affair means he doesn’t love you or doesn’t love you enough? Are you dealing with fear that it will happen again? Are you stuck on the message, “I didn’t deserve this. How could he do this to me? This isn’t right”? By uncovering those messages, you can look at the ones that are keeping you stuck in a place of anger and work to let those go. This will take time and work. You can’t just flip the angry/not angry switch. Having an open conversation with your husband about the time you need to work through your thoughts and feelings can be helpful. Letting him know what you need from him during that time can help engage him in the healing process and also start the two of you working toward becoming partners again.
One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, “It’s not fair. He/She had an affair and ‘gets away’ with it because I want to stay married.” That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. In truth, nobody is getting away with anything. Both of you have lost the relationship you had. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his actions are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you “get” to be the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck being the one who “did you wrong.” That’s not a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. I don’t say this to minimize your pain. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other.
The past cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a choice. If you truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.
The impulse to lash out and hurt when we’ve been hurt is very human but ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect. You say you don’t want to lose him, but something has been lost. The relationship you had prior to the affair is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is also OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair. You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new. You cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and, yes, anger.
Best of luck,
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TressaJune 27th, 2014 at 11:40 AM
You are absolutely right to feel angry. Why shouldn’t you? You have been horribly betrayed and have every right to feel every feeling that you have. But you have to get past all of that if you want to save the relationship. It is not fair to say that you want to save this if you aren’t willing to try to work past all of this. Hopefully you can do that with the work of a good couples counselor, bit maybe working with the counselor will show you some other things that have to be worked on too. maybe there are some things that you have done which contributed to his behavior… still no excuse but you have to own up to the things that you have also done to get you both to this point. A great counselor can not only help you figure all of that out as well as help you process that rage that you feel and determine if staying connected is ultimately the journey that you want to take with this person.
natalieNovember 23rd, 2016 at 4:25 AM
Men, women, doesn’t matter. Just plain horrible. They come up with excuses all the time, like “I wanted to experiment,” “My___ wasn’t giving me what I needed,” “This will make our relationship stronger.” All bull. They shouldn’t be allowed in public. If you love someone, you stick it out even when it gets bad. If you feel temptation, go home or go to your loved one and use those feelings on them. Cheaters don’t understand how much it really hurts to check up on your spouses
BrookOctober 2nd, 2017 at 7:57 AM
Totally agree with you
Valerie M. A.August 26th, 2018 at 5:25 PM
Dear Therapist: My Husband Keeps Texting With a Female ‘Work Friend’
He’s lying about it, too. What should I do?
ThuySeptember 1st, 2018 at 11:21 PM
I am not a therapist. But I am going through the same ordeal in the past month. He claims to only be texting his “friend” but I have a feeling there is more to it. I want to know how to move on from this hurt if I stay in this marriage.
jill o.June 27th, 2014 at 12:47 PM
I have been there and made a mistake by doing the same thing to him that he did to me. It felt good at the time but tinged with all of that contempt made me feel even worse. I was not better and acted no better than he did.
ElisaDecember 25th, 2016 at 2:19 PM
My husband cheated on me when I found out I was very very angry and so I left the house foe 3 days had an affair with my ex boyfriend and after that I felt much better for me is the only way to forgive only given him a taste of his own medicine
ErikaJanuary 5th, 2017 at 6:53 AM
I’m considering this course of action but have heard mixed results- short-term satisfaction with long term regrets. My husband has given me the go ahead if that’s what it takes for me to begin to heal. It’s still very fresh for you- as is mine. How are your feeling? Still in a place able to forgive your husband? Are you working things out? Did you tell him? How’d he respond? We are doing intensive therapy – separately and together- and it’s not the recommended course. I do feel that it would make me feel better though. I’m just curious on how you’re feeling after the fact. Thanks in advance if you reply and good luck!
palesaJanuary 19th, 2017 at 1:46 AM
Mine cheated on me with so many women and showed no remorse .after the confrontation he threatened to leave me and the children.I could neither eat nor sleep I was so devasted.it’s been two years now but I don’t feel like I’m ready to forgive him .I agree with those who say revenge is the way to go.it’s then that I will be able to heal.
CathyMay 13th, 2018 at 6:02 AM
I don’t think this is the same at all. You never gave him permission to cheat….but he gave you the “go ahead”. I told my husband that maybe I should go out and sew my wild oats like he did for 26 months with 2 girls….and he said do whatever it takes for me to heal. REALLY!!!! As if I need your permission to do anything I **** well please from this day forward! Don’t question where I am, Don’t question my finances, Don’t touch my phone!
DJune 6th, 2018 at 1:04 AM
It has been some time since the post about getting revenge. Honestly its not worth it. i got involved with somebody. It wasnt revenge. He also took me for a ride when I was extremely vulnerable. He used my vulnerabililty for sex and to get money from me. Dont do it. It makes you feel worse and when my husband found out, even though he had a two year affair, he can now say you did the same and you become part of the reason for the divide . Although it wasnt the same. It wasnt love like their relationship. It was a complete disaster. My advice after two years of anger and hatred for her, if you can get away from each other for a while. Do so . See how you feel after a break and see if you can get your relatiionship back after that and only if you want to. Put yourself first if you can. Just please dont rush into another relationship.
LiamJune 28th, 2014 at 11:00 AM
You may feel angrier than you wnat to for longer than you want to because this is all still a part of the grieving process.
Don’t deny yourself those feelings because if you can work through them this could in the end bring you closer to forgiveness and the ability to move forward.
If you don’t work the steps and go through that process then there will always be those lingering residual feelings that you did not allow yourself to confront; to me, that just speaks of trouble in the long run.
StanleyJune 28th, 2014 at 2:47 PM
Sometimes I wonder if it is such a good thing to try to put a marriage back together again when there has been all of this hurt and loss of trust.
Obviously there were problems that were already there or the person would not have gone out looking to have an affair to begin with.
So now not only are you dealing with all of the stuff that happened prior to the betrayal you also have to deal with the affair itself. This is a double whammy that many, if not most, couples won’t be strong wnough to pull through without just continuing to pile on the pain and hurt.
katerinaJune 29th, 2014 at 8:40 AM
No matter how hard it would be I think that it is especially important if the two of you have children to make every effort to repair the marriage. The kids don’t deserve this and neither did you, but for their sake you ate least need to try to work it all out.
OliviaJune 25th, 2016 at 10:56 AM
I am going through this right now. My husband had multiple affairs and those were the only ones he confessed to because the last woman called me and questioned WHO I was and why was her man calling me? I feel like my life has stopped 3 months ago. I’m a lot better with the depression now and all I can think about every day is our 2 children that we teach to do the right thing in relationships all the time. I could and will NEVER hurt my babies. So I have decided not go full out and divorce him but he won’t talk to me and we never talk since the affair revelation. I’m trying so hard to keep my composure and keep smiling through this heart ache.
AroseJuly 5th, 2016 at 7:57 PM
You poor lady, recently my husband did the same and we are trying to repair us also, it seems like my husband is more willing but he’s not 100% committed from what I can see. My emotional need is not being nurtured after what he has caused.. But this is now 6 months ago and we are still trying to heal..
Bonnie DAugust 24th, 2016 at 3:02 PM
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I have been dealing with it also, my husband did 5his while he was suffering from depression that we both did not realize he had. It stinks….my heart hurts for you.
HurtaswellAugust 27th, 2016 at 6:30 PM
I’m so sorry about your ordeal. I’m choosing to stay for my kids as well. I feel like I’m loosing myself. Get some helpeople apart from marriage counseling. Take care of yourself and your feelings first.
IreneOctober 6th, 2016 at 9:12 PM
My husband has cheated on me twice and the second time was just recently about 6 months ago. I know the experts tell you no to be angry, however how does one vent the anger? Yes, one should try to let it go in order to move forward and make a marriage work. My husband and I have done pretty well in trying to move forward to repair our marriage, however there days when I feel like I want to explode from the anger that is bottle inside of me. I have tried counseling when he cheated the first time and it did help. I am trying hard to come to terms with this but I think I am leaning towards divorce. I cannot see myself going through a next time. I do not want to waste time and effort on a marriage that has been ruined with infidelity. I value myself more than that. I do not want to look over my shoulder the rest of my life or be an investigator. Nope, I am out.
aliMarch 21st, 2017 at 7:11 PM
i am going through the same pain for last two years. for the sake of my children , i decieded to stay but seperate room , no communication other than chores. i wonder how people talk about rebuilding or reconnecting the relationship after infedelity. how could you love again the person who cheated you and did not value you and your love. why should you love him ? let him suffer this life style with no love and connection.
SUSANJune 30th, 2014 at 4:34 AM
Have you talked to him any at all about why he did the things that he did? If you could at least try to have this conversation then you may get some answers that will help you understand that motivation that he had and why he did this. I don’t think that it would take away your anger and your hurt but it could at least help you see the reasoning behind his thought process and could also genuinely start the healing process for the two of you. This is such a difficult journey to make, I have done it, both my husband and I had affairs as a way of coping with the fact that neither of us were connecting anymore. We saw though that this was actually a cry for help from both of us and so we worked hard to come back together. Maybe this could happen for you too.
CynthiaAugust 20th, 2016 at 12:43 PM
My husband is a cheat and a lier, we have 2 children and I’m currently pregnant with number 4. I recently found out that he had an affair and the woman now has a baby boy for him he tells me his not sure if this baby is his but when I asked him to do a DNA test his always making up excuses that he doesn’t have the funds. The woman’s Sister tells me that he goes to the woman’s house to see the baby but when I ask him he swears he has never been to see the child ever. I don’t know what to believe anymore and I’m tired of the hurt and lies, I love my husband but I wish he can be open an honest with me. Sometimes when I touch his phone and browse through it he gets angry with me. I don’t know what to make of this act but he says his changed and have learned his lesson. I wish I could believe him but I don’t the fact that he has done it so many times it makes me doubt his honesty. I need help with this situation for the sake of my sanity I feel like I’m losing myself. Sometimes I find myself praying and asking God whether I’m not supposed to be happy in life.
BrookOctober 2nd, 2017 at 8:20 AM
You don’t know what to believe and your tired of all the lies? You have to stop lying to yourself. He is doing this because you are letting him, as far as he can see. Face the truth and allow the healing to start. I do hope you and your children get everything yous deserve, even if it’s with another man. Now go and put those boxing gloves on (metaphor)…mwah!
MayOctober 26th, 2016 at 5:03 AM
What if your husband doesn’t want to tell you why he had the affair! My husband had an affair with someone who came into my home with his brother on the pretense she was his girlfriend.. I only found out about the affair when they child was born. My kids were young so we went for counseling and were told that all ties had to be broken between him and her and the baby but had to pay his dues. He didn’t want to tell our girls i respected his choice and i never really got to ask him everything about the affair. I thought i was protecting my kids but it was terrible when after 20 years later his son came back into the picture and i just exploded with all the anger and hurt i had pushed inside me and it brought back all the hurt!! He just wont answer my questions so its not easy to move forward.
CreightonJuly 3rd, 2014 at 11:45 AM
I don’t think that you necessarily have to shake it until it’s all gone.
It might be useful to hold onto just a little smideg of that for later on.
You wouldn’t want him to think that he can just walk all over you whenever he thinks that he can.
Show him that you are fired up and that you mean business.
MayOctober 26th, 2016 at 5:13 AM
So should i insist he gives me answers. He gets very offensive when i ask him deep questions then he treats me as if i did something wrong. He keeps insisting he answered all my questions which is a lie and claims he loves me but finds it so hard to talk to me about the affair. I also told him i don’t want to have anything to do with his son.
PatJuly 6th, 2014 at 5:30 AM
I was so angry after I found out that my wife had cheated on me. There were so many things that we had together, years of our lives that could not be replicated and yet she chose to throw all of that away because she was bored and needed something new in her life. She could have gotten that from me had she jsut asked, or I could have opened my eyes and saw that she needed more, but it is what it is. We parted, somewhat amicably, because she wasn’t ready to give up the affair and I was no where near ready to forgive it or to live oblivious to her actions. I am not saying that it is easy to let go of the anger, because you want to allow yourself to feel what you feel… but it is healthier if you can blunt their impact on you and move on in whatever way you think is best for you and your family.
AnitaFebruary 10th, 2015 at 3:47 AM
I’m hoping Pat that I will feel like that very soon as I cannot continue with the anger and hurt, it has made me so ill. We are not together anymore but it still hurts because like you all the years we were together 23…. I am just praying for that day to come when I wake up and say, hey I’m ok today and I feel good! Hope things have moved on a in a positive way for you too.
paulJuly 10th, 2014 at 11:25 AM
I don’t understand how you could want to hurt him and yet keep him all at the same time. That is not a possibility because if you choose to hurt him intentiaonnly then there is a pretty big chance that he won’t stick around.
Look, I think that you need to think about how much good that really will accomplish and what would you get out of hurting him back?
the marriage will not be saved and you could lose the person that you are married to. Think about that long and hard because right now things could still be saved but if you go off and do something to hurt him just to make yourself feel better in the moment there will probably be no chance of saving the relationship after that.
maxineJune 14th, 2016 at 9:44 AM
I completely understand how you could want to keep him and hurt him too. My partner was messing around with 3 women behind my back but when I found out and broke up with him he was devastated, in tears all the time, pale and not eating. I think at that point he realised how much he loved me because he was going to lose me. I’ve taken him back and we’ve been to couples counselling but it is so so so hard. I am okay one minute and the next I am thinking about the other women, and going crazy at him. I am trying to forgive him but he is a sensible intelligent man so none of his excuses wash – he must have made an intelligent informed choice to do what he did, and keep doing it again and again. I want to punish him not just for deceiving me, but for deceiving me again and again and again every time he chose to email or spend time with someone else. He says sorry but he cannot really understand that my hurt wasn’t at that point in time, it is something that has gone on now for nearly a year…its unjustified and unfair. I want him to actually feel the same pain that I felt, so he can understand what he has done to me and appreciate how terrible it is. You cannot simply say sorry for causing your partner so much emotional pain, sorry doesn’t wash. He needs to learn how it feels so he can understand what he has put me through and then maybe I will feel a bit more convinced that he won’t do it again.
MomesJune 24th, 2016 at 8:45 PM
The man I’ve been with for 10 years had an affair with our next door neighbor. I know myself enough that I could no longer remain in the relationship despite his apologies. I think on some level if they are consciously making decisions to betray us day after day that we are fooling ourselves to think they will begin to understand our pain once they have “ended” the affair. I put that in quotes because, as the trust is gone, I can’t be sure this isn’t just another deception. There is a reason they resulted in this. Either they are truly bad people or something has failed to the degree that they have made this decision. I’m plagued with these questions and thoughts. I want to get over this so I can move on in my life. I pray this doesn’t stick with me into my next relationship.
KaitlynApril 6th, 2017 at 7:38 AM
I too am struggling with wanting my fiance to truly feel and understand the pain he has caused me. I found out that he had never… and I mean never been faithful to me during our relationship. The scary part was that he never treated me with anything, but love and adoration when we were together. It was as soon as he walked out the door that he obviously forgot about me. The last affair was with a 29 year only girl who sat right next to him at his office. He is 57 years old. She had a child and lived with her fiance and he live with me (his fiance). There were 5 others that I have found out about. The problem is that he only admits to what I already found out. He has never come clean even though I have begged him too. I struggle with the fact that even though I would have been devistated, in the end I would have respected him if he had told me of his desires up front and therefore given me a choice to stay or not (though I would not have). He got his needs met again and again and again at my heart’s expense. The pain was and continues to be almost unbearable. How do I know that things have changed if he was always loving and attentive before and remains so now. How could he love me that much and still do what he did. Because I know that I love him too much to lie and cheat behind his back, I feel that he must not have every loved me or he could not have done what he did. After this last affair with his co-worker I tried to make it work, but after 4 months I completed imploded and exploded. I was devistated and angry beyond belief. I left him and for the first time began to see other men. He did not do well. He continued to try to contact me, cried, begged, lost weight, but for the first time I honestly did not care. I was too angry. We did end up back together after 5 months apart. He sees a counselor and attends a weekly sex addicts group, but I still don’t trust him and find myself lowering myself to checking his phone, emails, ect….. When does this end.
GemSeptember 22nd, 2014 at 1:44 AM
I found out 3 years ago that my husband cheated on me when I saw the text message on his phone in screen message and I called the girl and she told me they had sex together.I was so angry and I confroted him. He admitted it and he said sorry and he promise he will never do that again.. I forgive him but when im away overseas and came back home and I found a text message again with other girl his asking her when her day off so they can hang together.. I was so angry again and he asked me to forgive him and not to do that again.. I was so angry and I dont think I can trust him again. Im away again overseas and we always have arguement on the phone. I always checked on him if where his going and if he didnt text me in half an hour or if he didnt reply immediately on my text I get angry on him. I dont know what to do. I feel so angry and im not happy about it.. Because he cheated on me twice,even he made a promised the first time he cheated on me. Sonetimes he makes me more angry when he said if you dobt trust me leave me, im not forcing you to stay with me. When I get angry he gets more angry than me and he hang up on me when I call him back his phone is off. I really dont know what to do pls tell anyone tell me…
rosaaMarch 18th, 2015 at 9:47 PM
He doesn’t care because he’s not trying to hide it and it happened twice. Trust me you need to move on and find someone better.specially if you have no kids with him.You will regret it if you stay there ate soooo many great men or there who won’t cheat.
KaseyAugust 9th, 2016 at 8:05 AM
I know this was a year ago, but out of curiosity did you stay with him and did he cheat on you again?? Just trying to get others opionions for my own sake.
mereOctober 24th, 2014 at 9:12 PM
I think anger is normal, as well as sadness. I go from sad to angry to confused to numb – wanting to stay, wanting to go – all in the space of an hour. Its been nearly 3 months since I found them together. When does it stop? I can’t seem to control my emotional turbulence. I just want to feel normal again.
My husband’s affair happened in our (temporary) house while we had 20 people up here helping us build our home. Everywhere I look I have unwanted thoughts of the two of them together come into my head. I should be able to just stop them, but that seems impossible at the moment.
I am just so lost. We live remotely so can’t access a counsellor, and really actually have no money for one.
I just want to feel normal again ….
woundedAugust 16th, 2015 at 3:46 PM
I so understand the feeling. My emotions are the same. How do I get my self-esteem back? His affair makes me feel so low as a woman.
hurtingJuly 22nd, 2016 at 6:20 PM
I so understand. My fiance cheated on me by texting his love for another woman and when I found out, he said it would never happen again, he was so sorry to have hurt me. then, one year later almost to the day, I found a boatload of emails from him to her, telling how much he loved her, she was the best thing in his life, all about there time in bed together and how he wanted her in his life (she seemed to be holding back more). When I confronted him, he admitted it, and said he was sorry and it was the worst mistake of his life and it was over. but they work together (he is her boss). he gets annoyed when things that pop in my head and i am upset or i want to talk about it and he feels that i should “be over it” and i am not allowing myself to heal if we keep talking about it. i saved the emails he sent her first for proof in case he tried to deny it and then i guess if i need a reminder. at first he was really into proving his love, doing things for me but that has lessened somewhat. i feel i can’t move forward and let go of the anger til he explains why he did this. and how do i believe he loves me when i have written proof of what he said to her, things he never says to me. When i tell him if we want to save this relationship we have to go back to trying hard around each other, like when we were dating. a rose, a song, nice words, dress nice. but he doesn’t want to listen to me. he says i just need to stop thinking about her. sometimes, he will say something to be while we are in bed and it is like what he wrote her, and it hurts. how do you get past this? am i wrong to want to tell him how i feel and what he has done to me and to us?
JackieOctober 27th, 2016 at 4:19 PM
I am going thru the same feeling i feel like am losing my mind
JanMay 14th, 2017 at 5:27 AM
I too feel like I’m going out of my mind. I feel so worthless. I’ve been married for 37 years, found out about his affair 4 years ago. An affair with my friend. I feel truly broken.
Hello BeautifulAugust 8th, 2017 at 10:54 PM
I’VE READ THROUGH ALL THESE MESSAGES OF HURT AND PAIN AND I COULD’NT PAST YOURS. FIRST LET ME SAY I’BE BEEN THERE. MY HUSBAND AFTER 23 DATING AND 21 YEARS MARRIAGE HAD AN AFFAIR ON ME. IT’S NOW BEEN 8 MONTHS 9 DAYS 5 HOURS AND 41 MINUTES AGO. LOL YES, DOWN TO THE SECONDS I CAN GIVE A TIME. WE REMAIN TOGETHER REBUILDING AND WORKING THROUGH TOUGH TIMES. IN OUR MINDS WE SEE THE MAKING UP TO BE SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT THEY GIVE US. THEY CAN’T HEAL US, THEY CANT MAKE US NORMAL (IF THERE’S A SUCH) AGAIN. GOD HAS BEEN A TRUE FOCAL POINT THROUGHOUT MY ORDEAL. WITHOUT GOD THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD HAVE MADE IT. THE PAIN TO DEEP! HUMAN SYMPATHY CANNOT REACH THIS PAIN TO EVEN START THE HEALING PROCESS. MY FIRST ADVICE TO YOU IS TO START A DEEP AND REGULAR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. HE IS YOUR HEALER! I CONSTANTLY PRAY AND PLACE MY LIFE BEFORE GOD’S FEET.
I PRAY YOU GIVE GOD I CHANCE TO HEAL YOU BOTH……..
AND WHAT GOD PUT TOGETHER MAN SHALL NOT TEAR APART!
TornApril 29th, 2018 at 6:55 PM
I’m just curious as to how your marriage is holding up now. I’m beyond broken by my husbands unfaithfulness and am desperately trying to allow God to restore our marriage but so many things trigger the pain, I often believe we should just divorce and be done.
cathyJanuary 7th, 2018 at 2:48 PM
I completely understand! My house was a new build 3 years ago and my husband has had not one, but 2 mistresses to our home. One was in our bed the other was not. I find it hard to walk into the house sometimes. I know he loves me and I definitely love him. I found out about the first one when her boyfriend messaged me on facebook last august. after swearing she was the only one (which lasted on and off for 18 months of using my house as a hotel) I still had that gut feeling that there was more, so I started digging. I found a video of him having sex with a girl in our spare bedroom. This one was in the time frame of the first when they were not seeing each other. In total the affairs cost about $15K (shopping sprees, gifts sent on his amazon account, cash) , trust and our stable happy marriage.
His excuses…..1. I worked nights and he was on swing shift and we didn’t see each other enough 2. He was a late bloomer and he felt something pulling him to explore and wanted to know how it felt to be with younger girls (19 & 26) he is 47. 3. He felt like something bad was going to happen to him.
He did have a heart attack during this process. Probably due to all the stress of money issues, lies and guilt.
When I say we had a happy marriage…I am not lying to myself. We were the perfect couple. Never fight. Talk about everything.
I am confused and hurt and cannot get this out of my head!!! I don’t know how to move on. I was doing good healing from finding out about the first one in august, but I found the video of the second one on Christmas eve while he was at work when I was digging thru his computer. He thought he had deleted it and never wanted me to find out about her because he said he had already hurt and damaged me to much with the first one. In my book that is another excuse. especially when I asked him point blank to his face if there is anyone else or anything else I do not know…..
I just want to shut my brain off!!! My anxiety is so high that my doctor put me on xanex!!!
cathyJanuary 7th, 2018 at 2:49 PM
There is so much more to this story that I could write a book. THis is a shortened version!!!!!
sueOctober 24th, 2018 at 7:10 PM
Cathy I am reeling too and can relate to your story. I am close to 3 months from D day and just wish my brain would shut down. I wonder how you are doing now (this is Oct 24, 2018)?
HeatherMarch 11th, 2018 at 3:11 PM
I am looking to talk to someone in my same situation. I went to Florida in 2016 to my husbands daughters wedding. I had a feeling he was cheating so I put a app on his phone and logged into it when he left to the store. And there it it was. I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. I couldn’t breath. I confronted him before the wedding and he said it was only a 3 month affair. A game as he still calls it, but I feel I was the pon. Come to find out it was a 3 year affair. He worked out of town at that time. She was married and still is and after I hunted her husband down in his eyes she hangs the moon. This is 2 years ago I found out and it still hurts like it was just yesterday. Will I ever get past it or will I be better off to let go. I look at him with disquest in one moment and in another I can’t picture my life withou him. We have been together 18 1/2 years. I don’t feel like hurting him like he did me is the answer, because that makes me no better then him or her.. She did talk to me and told me everything. It is so true what you don’t know won’t hurt you.
AnnNovember 8th, 2014 at 3:06 PM
Hi Gem, I could be wrong, but it sounds like your husband wants out of the marriage, but is a coward and can’t bring himself to end it. He would be making a fool out of you if you were to take him back into your life a second time. I hope you can find the strength to leave him and leave yourself open to meeting someone else that you feel happy with, hopefully someone else who will give you what you deserve and remain faithful.
ElkeNovember 16th, 2014 at 6:01 PM
I’m in a similar situation and still fight with myself if I not only give up.
My husband cheated on me for 2 months ( I moved 2 month earlier than he did and in these 2 month it happened) when he finally came he told me about it but told me in the same way that it’s 50/50 that he stays with us ( we are 5 years married and have a 3 year old girl together) and it’s going on since 1,5 months but he still has daily contact with that girl and told me he will not break the contact up. ( she is 18 hour driveway away)
I’m crying almost daily cos it hurts specially when he treats me like air when he text with her and he don’t understand that that I’m hurt.
Idk what I should do cos I never did anything to him I always treated him with respect and all.
DeeJanuary 9th, 2015 at 6:27 PM
You are breaking your own heart by staying. You are allowing him to rip pieces of you away. Eventually you will be so diminished there will be nothing left to give your child. He is in such a selfish place he can’t hear or see you.
Save your elf. Imagine you as two people. Imagine your strong self jumping in & rescuing the weaker you.
He is not your now. Don’t let yourself be his. I have been where you are. You need to save you
Allyson M.N.January 13th, 2015 at 9:37 PM
Dee how absolutely correct you are!! I also am a annihilated spouse. The betrayal, lies, manipulation and YES the act of sex has turned me off. We are very close friends and are still living together, but I will not and never will allow him to have sexual intimacy with me again! He no longer belongs to me and as far as I am concerned no longer sacred.
AnitaFebruary 10th, 2015 at 3:39 AM
That is exactly how I feel about my husband…..although he and the OW finished a few months ago, when he told me about it, as fas as I’m concerned he is not mine anymore, not sacred as you say….he has touched another woman and she him, and that is something I would never be able to get over. We were together 23yrs and when we first met I had just divorced my first husband of 5 yrs for cheating, so my 2nd husband knew how much it had damaged my confidence and hurt me. He knew cheating was the one thing that would end our marriage for good….yet he still did it when we were going through a difficult time….rather than work things out. You would think after 23yrs we would have been able to get over our difficulties….anyway, I just want to say, that if the cheated spouses personality is of the sort that just cannot get past any form of infidelity then that’s it, no point in even trying. I read so much about how marriages can be renewed and how forgiveness must come first in order for that to happen, but I have too much respect for myself to allow myself to settle for someone who I have given half my life to already, only for them to trample all over me again…because I firmly believe, once a cheat, always a cheat….I will never forgive my husband for as long as I live…I never forgave my first husband either….they just don’t deserve it, and I deserve better than having to forgive someone who could do that to another person who gave them nothing but love and support, so I’m sorry if I sound cold, bitter and hard, but I also think it shows I am a strong person who is not prepared to settle for scraps…..I deserve the whole works!
HelenFebruary 12th, 2015 at 4:20 PM
My husband still works with the OW, just knowing that kills me inside, I know he will not leave or change jobs,
rosaaMarch 18th, 2015 at 9:43 PM
I’m in the same situation the girl who he cheated on is a co worker and he was gonna leave his job until he got a raise. It’s sucks knowing she still there and she’s in LOVE with him ….
jenniferNovember 19th, 2014 at 2:58 PM
My husband had an affair about 3 years ago. I found out right before we went through IVF . I know he had feeling for this women. He refuses to admit to the affair. I am well aware of it and he does not deny it he just refuses to tell me. I have just entered a very negative state because of it. I cannot stop thinking about him and her together. I am constantly thinking about moments we share compared to the moments they shared(or so I picture them sharing). I have become disgusted with him. I think about them being intimate when we are being intimate. I finally broke down and told him I am struggling with it. He cried but had nothing to say. I am confused and need to know what to do now. I do not want to be stuck in such a negative place.
TiffanyDecember 3rd, 2014 at 11:23 PM
I was cheated on… more than once. Before and after i had our son. In fact i walked in on them. I always told myself if i ever walked in on him cheating id probably kill them both but all i could do was cry and ask why. I moved out and like always he was sorry and was ready to grow up and me wanting the perfect family always ran back but i can say this. Once you know and i mean know 100% he has cheated, the fear, hurt and anger will NEVER go away. If hes late from work your mind plays games and your sick with the thought that he is probably cheating… ever time your across the room and hes texting and you can not see who he is talking to your mind goes right to him cheating… if he isnt in the mood for sex your guess is because hes getting it from somebody else. Again the fear never goes away but in time you start to think of it a little less and truth be told. If you cant trust him to even have a life after cheating than things will only get worse trust me! So what happens from here on out is on you just know that things only get harder before they get better
ElkeDecember 9th, 2014 at 6:15 PM
What u said is so true. I’m still fighting with myself since my husband is still texting and daily talking on the phone with her if I ever can get over it. He said it was a accident and it will never happen again but he wants to keep her as a friend and it hurts so bad cos every evening the same drama and when I say ok we might should get seperated he says ok go ahead get the papers but I don’t sign them. I really don’t understand what’s in his mind I’m at that point that I have so much anger in me. I really don’t know what to do anymore since we have a 3 year old girl together
AnitaFebruary 10th, 2015 at 3:23 AM
I’m still trying to come to terms with my husband having an affair too, so I can really empathise with you. The only difference for me is I chucked him out straight away. He had always known the score, cheating was the one sin which would never be forgiven, and we both agreed on that…I really feel for you though because you have given him a chance to make things right, but I am so sorry to say, he doesn’t seem to want that chance. One of the first things he had to do was to have no more contact with the other woman, none whatsoever and to delete all contact details….if he has not done this or is nor agreeable to do this, he does not know what he wants and it is only doing more damage to your self worth to let him stay. Yes you have a child together, but what use are either of you going to be for the positive and emotional devopment of your child if they grow up seeing the emotional distance between her mum and dad…she will grow up thinking that is normal. Your husband has also now shown one bit that he wants the marriage to work….by wanting to keep contact with the OW he is telling you she meets some of his needs that you can’t and he is emotionally attached to her. It’s your decision but I would suggest you talk to him and ask him if he wants the marriage to work and if he does he has to toe the line…..don’t forget you are the cheated on here so he should be doing everything within his power to show you can trust him again and that he wants to be with you, and you alone, but it does not look like he he doing any thing remotely like that….I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do, just remember your happiness is as important as his, and that is the one thing only you can have control over…..no other person has that power….
AnitaFebruary 10th, 2015 at 3:26 AM
Ps forgot to mention there are so many good sites which offer great support, one I might suggest for you to start with is, marriagebuilders.com. Good luck.
AudraMay 18th, 2015 at 5:41 PM
In my opinion, it’s absolutely inappropriate and insensitive to ‘remain friends’ with the same person he had an affair with. Him not being willing to cut loose completely and permanently would be the end for me. There’s nothing she can offer him as a friend that’s worth your hurt. Even if he felt there was, he chose to have the affair. Him cutting ties permanently is the consequence of HIS choice. You can’t live with it. And you shouldn’t have to. Be clear about what you need from him, and if he’s unwilling to accept the fallout of his choices – let her have him, and go your way…
HaniPJune 27th, 2018 at 10:07 PM
“when I say okay we might should get separated he says okay go ahead get the papers but I don’t sign them.” He’s basically saying “do what you want, I don’t give a s***”. If your willing to stay with him, you will never change him and only have yourself to blame. Love yourself and leave. You so deserve better.
TJFebruary 14th, 2015 at 10:51 AM
I completely understand this….
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship, he is an alcoholic.
I have been at the hands of his abuse for years and kept making excuses because never once had he cheated.
2 weeks ago today (it’s valentines day today… Ugh) I walked in on him and my nephews 17 year old girlfriend having sex on my basement floor. Actually they had fallen asleep while in the act as they had been drinking a lot.
The only thing he remembers is me yelling at her to get the eff out of my house. But as much as I always said I would do A and B…. I did C. “C” being standing there in utter shock with nothing more to say than “whyyyy!!!!”…. And he does not remember a thing.
I know he had no prior interest in her, and I know he is not interested in talking to her at all. His nephew hasn’t even gotten to talk to him and share how hurt he is, because she called the cops and had him thrown in jail when he confronted her.
Every single day, I live with the image of what I saw in my mind. Whenever it’s not preoccupied with work or my kids, it’s flashing her in my face and allowing me to relive the experience.
I am so angry. I wish I would have been this angry when I walked in on it in the first place. I’m jealous, I’m insecure… And I’m at a cross roads on whether this relationship is worth my time at all.
His alcoholism has caused me broken bones, bruises and PTSD….. All during his black outs.
And now his black outs have led to the destroying of our family and my heart (what was left of it).
I should have left long before this ever happened, I know.
I kept telling myself that if he stopped drinking that it would get better.
He is remorseful, and he is trying whatever he can to help me feel better…. But I still hate him for what he did.
We have had amazing sex since. Part of it was me giving him a reminder of why I’m 100000000x better than any 17 year old, and the other was because I was angry and horny.
But I have not once kissed him on the lips outside of sex and I will not return his “I love you” with an “I love you too”…. I don’t think I’ll ever have love for him like that again.
I have applied for university in the next city about an hr away, and I’m thinking of moving myself and my kids and leaving him here.
It’s a big decision but I deserve real happiness and not to be angry all the time. As long as he continues to drink, I will never trust him again.
His drinking has destroyed his whole life…. And it’s destroyed part of mine, but I won’t allow it to destroy my whole life too.
marieFebruary 25th, 2015 at 9:21 PM
My husband cheated on me with the world he told me he was doing it and I kind of knew but I could not put my finger on it.he has beat me time after time because he drinks and he just has a problem and I keep forgiving him because I want to work my marriage out but I hate having sex with him because I just don’t see that in him anymore I feel like I’m sleeping with the people he slept with and its so not a turn onhe is very controlling and he want me to be what he want me to be and do everything with him and I can’t be a mother to my kids or nothing and when I don’t do what he say its a problem I just think that things will never change and I don’t know to run or stay I feel like a prisoner an I’m living a dead womans life…..help me…
The GoodTherapy.org TeamFebruary 26th, 2015 at 9:16 AM
Thank you for your comment, Marie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Barb R.April 14th, 2015 at 12:34 PM
I remember physical abuse but that stopped now the emotional abuse is more difficult to mask. Be strong. I found that self doubt began when the emotional abuse circled. I gave more love than I got and maybe I need to learn to care for my needs before my husbands. His actions often harmed. I deserve to care for the wounds that make being with a shallow person causes.
DianeMarch 2nd, 2015 at 11:57 AM
I’m still married 8 years after my spouses one year affair. The pain does not go away if your spouse does not work with you after the mental and emotional destruction. My spouse expected me to just forgive forever ad seek theroy alone.
SandyMarch 11th, 2015 at 12:08 PM
My husband also had an affair for 8 months. The OW sent me about 50 texts with details of their affair. He met her through our son’s baseball team. I forgave him and after being separated for a month, he came back home. I don’t think I was emotionally ready for him, I don’t think the grieving part was over. He was the man of my life, I met him when I was 17 yrs old, now I’m 34, 3 children together and have he is the only man I’ve known. Now a year has passed since the affair, I have made some improvements to help myself feel better with more confidence, like…I dress up a lot more, started working out, looking better. I also started being more fun in bed. I enjoy sex a lot more now and actually can’t be without it and he is loving that about me but the big problem is that I think of him and her being intimate. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s been a yr and we still argue about it. What is wrong with me? Don’t understand! We have sex just about everyday. Passionate, good sex, like never before. But I can’t get her and him out my head and we fight. Why is my sex drive out the roof now? Is it that I’m trying to compete? And why is the OW so unattractive? She is the total opposite from me, I have long black hair, dress up for work in heels and makeup, (my husband says it turns him on) weekends I wear jeans or workout gear. She is a tomboy, no makeup, old grandma clothes, 3 kids by different men. Don’t understand any of this. I’m going crazy!
MaureenFebruary 9th, 2017 at 8:56 AM
Sandy-my situation sounds very similar to your. My husband became friendly and started exchanging texts with a woman from my son’s baseball team. I never in a million years would ever think that he would cheat on me. We have been together for over 25 years and married 21 years with 4 children. We never fight and thought we had a strong relationship. Basically, he enjoyed the attention and she cam eon strong with him. They met 3 times form sex and he said each time he hated himself afterwards. He said he ended it then; however, they still texted almost everyday. He also travel for work and admitted to a one night stand-he got addicted to the thrill. He is very remorseful and apologizing. I believe that he loves me, but I can’t get over the pain and anger I feel. I cannot stop picturing him wiht the other woman. Will I ever really forget? How do I move on?
HMarch 12th, 2015 at 11:45 AM
My story might help you understand better, why you feel the way you do: Before my H’s affair, I believed in God and he blamed God for all of his problems. I was not a true Christian though, in the way I lived my life and marriage. I allowed pornography in our marriage to please my H, I allowed bad behavior to ensue, to keep him happy with me. Big Mistake… I settled because I was afraid.
My H had an affair with one of my friends for a couple months. It has been a little over 3 years since he came home after being gone for a month and I too was not emotionally ready, but I don’t think anyone really ever is.
Here’s what I’ve learned in the last three years: Right away, I threw pornography, etc. out of our marriage and said it’s not allowed. Sex the first year was exciting because I felt like I had something to prove. I lost a few pounds, exercised all the time, dressed cute all the time, makeup, hair, etc. My friend was overweight and immature. He liked her for the immaturity factor, because with her, he didn’t have to be anything. He didn’t have to deal with his own insecurities or flaws or have to accept responsibility for his part in our marriage failure. He ran away. That’s what affairs usually are. They are denial of truth and the OW is usually less attractive, because she, herself feels low self worth and that’s one of the first characteristics of people who have affairs. Either that, or they are a narcissist who thinks they’re better than everyone. Either way, low self worth is involved, because affairs are a low and pathetic thing to do. Disgusting.
So, yes. Build up your self esteem and take care of yourself. Set high standards for yourself but don’t make your self worth dependent on your appearance. You should find your self worth in your heart – who you are as a human being, beautiful and wonderfully made. Volunteer in your community, serve other people, that is one of the best ways to grow. It has been helpful that my H and I do this together. We love serving and volunteering and helping people.
My husband and I got baptized together 8 months after he returned home. If not for my faith, I’m not sure I could have made it this far. We have 3 children also. I decided to do my best to try to forgive him, so that they could have the best chance at a good life. Here’s the thing: it takes years to recover and heal, no matter how hard you work on this through your personal self, as well as on the marriage. We are starting counseling again, because there have been some issues that are deal breakers for me, where my H needs to get it together. He has changed for the better in so many different ways in the last 3 years and this progress gives me hope for our future. But, it will take years for him to change into a loving, respectable man and H, that he should have been to begin with. He was abandoned as a child by his father and his mom was an alcoholic and emotionally reliant on him. He did not learn how to properly respect and love a woman. He is learning that in church now and is making great improvements over time. You will need to find your own self worth, regardless of what you think your H thinks of you. It is not your job to make him happy with you. It is your job to be the best person you can be, so you can be a good person and Wife, regardless of his mistakes.
Another thing, ask yourself if your husband is giving you what you need from him to rebuild respect and trust with each other. Do you fight because he’s defensive? Maybe he’s not truly sorry for his actions that hurt you. Set the bar high and make sure he earns your heart back or you will not ever stop fighting. We still fight more often than I would like, but he is finally getting better about being less defensive. You have to recognize that your H is a broken person and he needs to work hard to change his heart that led him to that dark and awful place.
Don’t let sex be the glue that binds you together. It has to be a heart thing or it won’t last. You can do it, I did it and am still working on it. Strive to have a close relationship with open communication and understanding between the two of you. Don’t settle for anything less.
rosaaMarch 18th, 2015 at 9:32 PM
Wow treads that was amazing What you wrote!! I’ve been fighting my emotions so much lately because my boyfriend cheated on me and were trying to work it out but it’s do hard and what you wrote I admire.thanks
dominicMay 14th, 2015 at 1:48 PM
Dump him he will not change
Barb R.April 14th, 2015 at 12:27 PM
That was good. Absent father was a key factor simply because there was no good role model all my husbands siblings are loose in their commitments.
SandyJuly 20th, 2015 at 12:59 PM
Thank you for your reply. I am a Christian as well but my husband is not. Ever since the affair I have had that thought that if he is not willing to give his life to Christ then he is not willing to commit his life to his wife. I guess it is just mixed emotions that I feel. He does everything in his power to keep me happy, he has always even before and during the affair, has gone that extra mile to make sure the kids and I are well taken care of. He could almost be that perfect husband but in my heart I know he is not. I will continue to try to forget what he did. It’s the hardest thing but I will try to quit brining up the past and stop throwing it in his face. I have become a person I don’t want to be. Thank you so much for your support.
Mary WAugust 2nd, 2015 at 10:14 PM
My husband had several emotional affairs as well as a physical affair with a woman he met on a cruise (we did a separate cruise every year with friends guys and girls) I also found naked pictures of several females that he had hidden away at work. These were taken before we married but we were still an exclusive couple. I found all this stuff between Nov 2014 and February 2015. I have been so depressed and have been on medication. He has said sorry but refuses to go to counseling. Several months ago he really started to become very active at church. I have asked God to help me forgive my husband, I have left this situation at the alter. I have to say it is not an easy task as he promised me he would never cheat on me..My ex-husband cheated on me also. Sometimes I really want to hurt him and get revenge for what he has done to me. I have to remind myself that God has this. I will say I am no fool if I ever caught him again I would not stay. He should feel very lucky that I have forgiven him. Sometimes I just want to run away and not be married or deal with this pain. Im still human but trusting that God will lead me through this.
BMarch 22nd, 2015 at 8:08 AM
I have been married 24 yes. My husband cheated about 9 months ago…I can’t seem to get pass it..I want nothing more in life to be with him…I personally was physically violent towards him after his affair….I was wrong!! Period no excuse what so ever to put my hands on him…in fairness this isn’t his first he had also kissed a close family member of mine and felt up a close friends wife…. He told me he could not take the fighting anymore and didn’t want our son dealing with it…he told me this several times…it was almost like I was having an outter body experience…I seen myself doing it but I couldn’t get myself to stop….well we got into a fight again recently and he left me…he went straight back to her…and he always told me that if we didn’t work out that he was done with her he wouldn’t go back…but he did….I am beyond devastated. I want so much to be with him,but now he’s telling me he doesn’t know what he wants.I have 24 yes with him 3 children and we have a grandchild…. I don’t understand how he can walk away so easily. He doesn’t even know the other woman that well. Anyone have any suggestions to help me through…I would greatly appreciate them..
LisaMarch 22nd, 2015 at 10:39 AM
My husband had an emotional affair about 4 months ago. I have been struggling big time and he isn’t being very kind. I need certain things from him and he isn’t really trying. He has said from the start he only wants me and cut all contact. But, I think he is depressed and he has no sex drive and will barley communicate with me. Help me I need advise.
MarieAnnMarch 22nd, 2015 at 6:09 PM
I found out of the affair a couple of months ago. He met OW during training from work on November last year. He bought a plane ticket at the beginning of December and met with her in January of this year giving the excuse that a friend of his had invited him to visit. I took him and picked him up from the airport and on Feb 2 while he was out with friends I stayed home to work and had to use his computer. This was how I found him and the OW writing to each other. I forward all mail letting him know that I knew what he had done. He rushed back to the house but I could not letting in so he ended up going back were he was. After many tearful conversations he said that he has cut all ties with her and that he wants to make our marriage work but I just can’t move on and the feeling of being compared to her overwhelms me. I want to see him suffer as he made me suffer, I want the world to know what he has done to me and for his family to see him for what he is and not this perfect husband. I feel so angry at times and want to give up on our relationship because I don’t feel the energy to fight for us anymore. During the last few weeks our sex life has been better than ever but when we finish and I get the feeling of been alone, I feel dirty since he has been with another. Not sure what to do and after many pleads from me we are going to see a therapist.
veojacMarch 31st, 2015 at 6:17 AM
I found out my H had an affair in 2014 july. He was receiving late calls from this OW and that was how noticed that something was going on, i confronted him and he denied everything, i loved him so much so i believed what he said.he told me the OW was the calling him he had no idea what she wanted from him. I told him to call her and let her know that he did not want her calling him, he did that so i thought it was the end. We leave in a small town people talk stories here., i heard the story again i asked he denied and i was fool so i believed him again. What makes it more painful is the fact that i have been very sick since july or let me say since his affair started. I have bulging disc sometimes i could barely get up on my own. At time i thought i would be paralyzed but he was forever there me, i had no income since that but he took care of like a H should but jet that is still not enough. In November he left his phone with me while i was at the therapist, it was around 2 pm but he usually comes home around 3:30 pm . So this OW left him . 10 missed call on his Viber when i ask he said had no i dea what she wanted. so February this year a week before V-Day he went out drinking., he returned home around 2 Am and felt asleep right away. I took his phone unblock the other women number and i started texting her like it was him so she was replying in that way too. That was how i knew he was lieying to all this while. He is such a beast even with prove and everything he still had 5he guards to denie. At once i thought he was telling the truth because i never imagined that he will ever hurt me that bad regardless the situation i was going through. My first question was when did he had time to it coz most of the time we are always together, that was the worse moment of my life, i lost my grandmother in may, he started an affair in my sick moment, does he even care about me at all????
I so have no idea he has been apologizing but i still dont believe him. At once i thought i had forgiven him, since than we never had sex coz i dont feel intimidated by him anymore the pain takes control over me. I tried having sex with last Saturday but it was not fun at all i was just imagining him on top of the OW, we tried again today but also ended in the sameway. It just flash back all pain. I feel betrayed all kind things. He admitted he did but apparently they did not have sex which i don’t believe, who can stay with someone for 7 months and had no sex??? I plan my future with him but i am confused i dont know what to do. He was was everything i wanted in this world he gave me the reason to stood tall in my difficult moments. He believed in me . He believed that i was going to be ok , he was just there for me. we have been together for 10 years and married for 2 years with a beautiful baby girl turning 3 years. He lied to me and i thing he might do it again. He appeal to be sory and hurt by his actions but i dont trust him anymore. Please if there is anybody there please guide me through this process pls. What can i do?
I thought sex would help but it made it worse i know feel the fresh wound.
I would really appreciate your help in anyway.
Barb R.April 14th, 2015 at 12:18 PM
I remember the pain was raw in the beginning. Oh the love pain was 24/7. I don’t know what happened but he in my mind became a troubled soul who burdened his family with his sorted affairs. I see he sacrificed so much true devotion and admiration of his family to become a pitiful soul with uncontrollable validation issues topped with list, porn and whores. His loss. I live pretty much the same. Same house, same bank acct, same – except I don’t need to offer unconditional devotion. It sounds sorted but survival kicked in.
He is going thru a 12 step sex addiction program and says he loves me…. I hope that method works well for him but to be honest only time will tell. Until then I live, breathe and don’t let the weakness of others refuse to let the weakest link in our relationship drag me down.
jessieApril 12th, 2015 at 5:23 PM
Run Ladies!!! There is no man worth any pain in this world. If they show you they’re true side once, they will never grow up or really change. I have been married for 40 years and most of that time he snuck around and lied to my face. I plan to stay just so I can lie to his face and take everything I want to have. He’s going to think I love him, while I lust and fantasize about other men, once a week on average, like him. He didn’t even change his ways after our Son’s death. That’s a cold heartless selfish pervert.
B.RobertsApril 14th, 2015 at 11:21 AM
Over 30 years of marriage where I loved him so deeply. I was there, devoted and loved being his wife. He was the greatest in my eyes. He joined 5 dating sites for married extramarital affairs. Never one important person just superficial quickie affairs. I found out it started with porn which grew into an addiction, then dating sites, to emails, to nude waist down sefies to meeting in hotels to CL prostitution. Many and much never went beyond fantasy long story letters. Then I found out. First devastation, 6 months later hurt turned to exhaustion, to why am l here. The admiration was tainted by words, actions and images. Now thinking of it or us — or what use to be us gives me a headache. Our life is there but his wife and children are sick of the baggage. One woman called stalked and showed up at a holiday even though he told her she meant nothing…I guess those letters emails and calls sent mixed messages to her. This man messed up a good family and led women on, cheated and put his physical health at risk. Now deep caring is much less. It is his loss. I am smart, attractive and devoted to those in my life. He gambled and though we are together he often mentions my smile is different. I gave him the best – fine food, fun and love and he got an uncontrollable validation addiction. He is in a 12 step porn sexual addiction group to counsel him. He is trying. Time will tell what happens to his family.
karemApril 19th, 2015 at 8:03 PM
im devastated. im 29 yrs old. we have 3 kids and im pregant now. we just found out about this pregancy. my husband of 11 yrs has an affair at work with other married woman at work. i found text and calls in his phone. he also had her name on his Facebook search history.i confronted him back in February and he said it was all talk that they would only talk to change shifts ans work stuff. i asked her to stop texting him and she seemed apologetic and said she had nothing with him. she said he had told her he was single! Feb 14 came and he only called to say happy Valentine’s day … no roses or card! i knew something was wrong. i went on his phone bill and found a call to her on valentines day. after that i talked to him and he promised they would stop talking. . well then i still didn’t trust him. he was coming home later at night from work. later than usual. i downloaded teensafe app which is an app to monitor your teens cell phone.. well i used this on my cheating husband. it have me his location so on Feb 27 it showed him at a hotel :( .. i knew in my heart he waa there with her. i didn’t go beacuse i wanted to wait to have real evidence and it was late to go and leave.kids alone. so then on March 3.. it showed his location at a park by the beach.. my friend came to pick me up and drove me there. i found them walking back to his car from the dark slope side of the park. i actually lost it and hit her. i pulled her hair really good and slapped her. and he protected her. he said to go home and he’d come home later to talk. never did come home. i tried to get in his car. and he didnt let me. he had to drive her home to her husband. 5 days later he apologized and begged for forgiveness only after he saw me go out to dance with friends. it made him jealous i guess. i gave in to his love words and he touched me and i melted… we had sex.. it was great because i love him deeply. then i tried to let that go and be ok .. gave him a chance ..but i cried everyday.. i was hurting so much.. i couldn’t forget that he took her to a hotel and that i found them at park. still i was with him sexually every other night. for some reason now i want sex every day.. i love him so much. that is weird to me. the fact that i crave sex so much after he cheated. now just a few night ago i had a feeling to search his car and i found a secret phone. a no contract phone he got call and text her. i was devastated and almost had a heart attack.. and im 3 months pregnant.
he had pics of her. pics she texted him after i found them. after they promised they would stop.. she texted him alomost nude pics on very little clothing. he only had her on his favorite contacts. there were calls made after the date i found them. by march 22 she stopped and all calls.and texts stopped from her. but he texted her on march 31. she didn’t reply. he wants to work.things out.. but im so hurt. he swears he will never do it again. i cant leave him because im afraid to loose him and im pregnant. but he still works with her. her husband knows because i told him but he’s so stupid and forgave her and said he will try to save his marriage as well, but still allowed her to continue working there. my husband doesnt want to quit because he makes.great tips $$ there. what do I do? i dont trust him at all
i think they will do it again. she has a name there for being with other married men there. but why am I so stupid to forgive him again? and why do i want sex now so much? im loosing weight .. im pregnant.. this is not healthy physically and mentally for me and the baby.
AnjilaApril 20th, 2015 at 8:44 PM
I would recommend professional help especially in your situation, think about your kids. I was in the same boat even worse. I
My husband was cheating on me with two women and he never stopped. He brought one of em home, I beat the crap out of her. I’m not proud of it but felt good since I warned her to leave him alone. I paid fine for that. I found several secret cell phone on husband. He’ll break them apologize to me and promise that he will never do it again.
This one women from philipnes would not leave him alone. And then another women. I love my husband dearly but I love myself more. Finally I decided to mov out it was not easy, I missed him everyday but it gotten better and I’m sure it will for you too.. He will NEVER change. They never do, one a cheater always a cheater…
tiredApril 20th, 2015 at 9:26 PM
Yes I need help because I don’t see him the same anymore. They cheat get caught and think that you’re suppose to except thier apology and live a normal life again. I have two older kids and practically started all over again with my beautiful three year old. However this chic he was fooling with contacted him about a month ago mad because I exposed her and him on cheaterville and yes he was mad too. Oh really now you MF?! Lol. I would have left her alone had she not called me and harrased me. So I exposed her picture and told over 400,000 people what they did and I was able to call her husband. Anyway you are so right if he didn’t get caught he would still be cheating. I believe they still talk. Its true its a thin line between love and hate. I have good days and all of a sudden I go back to pissed mode. I swear I was crazy. He do too. I dont know if I want to stay in this stupid relationship. He’s used up now he gave away everything to her everything that we shared. His mind body and soul. Damn
tiredApril 20th, 2015 at 11:01 AM
I recently found out that my boyfriend of almost six years had been cheating on me. I found out right before valentines day last year in 2014. They have been involved since before we made things official. I had a baby with him in 2012 he’s now three years old. I am pissed angry hurt and everything of that nature. He said sorry but that only pissed me off even more because he only apologized because he was caught. I no longer treat him like a King that I thought he was. I almost hate him but in the same line I want us to work it out. I can go on and on about this. To sum it all up he no longer has all of me.
tiredApril 20th, 2015 at 11:04 AM
What do I do? Should I let go or work it out?
AudraMay 18th, 2015 at 5:27 PM
He’s been involved with her for 6+ years?
BradenApril 23rd, 2015 at 10:37 PM
I have been with my partner for 3 years we have two children together a two year old and a 3 month old. I am also caring for his two children 7 and 8 from a previous marriage that had been on and off since the children were babies he also remarried another women in his country Iraq after her which ended sadly due to cultural reasons he new her 3 months and still is sad about the break he thought the world of her my opinion she wasn’t that great looking but to him she was he blocks it out and hates talking about oh yes I’m in 1 of those twisted relationships. i entered into very young and naive and still am so total of four children I am only 22 years old And he is 30 I have not much relationship experience he says I’m neglecting him but I wait on him hand and foot, and give him oral when I’m unable to perform sex.
sometimes I’m tired because breastfeeding two babies and caring for two school aged children is hard. Since the beginning of our relationship he has always had a thing for talking to women online and txtn from his country Iraq and also local women in nz and even my friends he would txt he’d make out nothing if it I thought this was strange I didnt mind so much until I got pregnant I needed a secure future for my daughter so I asked him to stop he didnt. this continued but he hid it from me when I found out I burst into tears and threatened to leave it seemed as if he was trying to find a wife from his country. Or here in nz we still didnt not no each other every well it takes years to really no a person then a year later we received his to children due to their mother going of the rails these poor children were abused since early childhood. They were very hard to manage they would threaten to kill each other lie steal. I do my best to care for them as well as my daughter I feel like a solo mother of 4 I do everything home work bathing cook clean headlice but my partner still continues to hang around other women he says he has never had sex with these women he just can’t do it to me that he loves me I have no proof but he’s the only 1 telling me off these accounts or women for him there like friends but he’s always cutting it off and a new women will appear in his stories I have people I can ask but I don’t want them to think I’m stupid if I don’t find anything, or tell him coz he will get angry. He should spend time with his family not other women he’s lied about it but eventually tells me he says he never had sex with them I still feel betrayed and hurt and feel like he’s lying to me. it doesn’t make sense and I feel used like he doesn’t care about me he just needs me to look after his kids. and pay for rent power and food and because I’m a good role model I don’t drink or smoke. the women he hangs around with a trashy no class even some hookers they go to his work for car parts and the other men around him a dirty men who encourage these women to come to there work buy giving free stuff. is my partner cheating? or am i paranoid ? Or am I being used? I’ve felt he’s being cheating on me since the beginning he said to me when he was drunk he’s been trying to find a woman like me but has never found 1. hmm during relationship or after I didnt get that part yet and drinks a lot hes now crossed the line and brought my brothers girlfriend up while we’re having sex I feel he’s not attracted to me he wants another women with the same personality traits kind and humble he blames his encounters on me neglecting him Ive just had two babies sand haven’t had time to focus on myself he doesn’t go out as much as he use 2. he does come home late sometimes and has a 7 series BMW which attracts a lot of attention he lies and hides things and saves all his money to himself occasionally he would take me out but not often he says he loves me but this doesn’t feel like love I am the type to hope for a fairytale family but I’m confused because I can’t live like this I need your opinion.
BradenApril 24th, 2015 at 3:09 PM
I have been with my partner for 3 years we have two children together a two year old and a 3 month old. I am also caring for his two children 7and 8 from a previous marriage that had been on and off since the children were babies he also remarried another women in his country Iraq after her wich ended sadly due to cultural reasons he new her 3 months and still is sad about the break he thought the world of her my oppinion she wasn’t that great looking but to him she was he blocks it out and hates talking about oh yes I’m in 1 of those twisted relationshipsi entered into very young and naive and still am. so total of four children I am only 22 years old And he is 30 I have not much relationship experience he says I’m neglecting him but I wait on him hand and foot and please him all the time.
sometimes I’m tired because breastfeeding two babies and caring for two school aged children is hard. Since the beggining of our relationship he has always had a thing for talking to women online and txtn from his country Iraq and also local women in nz and even my friends he would txt he’d make out nothing if it I thought this was strange I diddnt mind so much until I got pregnant I needed a secure future for my daughter so I asked him to stop he diddnt. this continued but he hid it from me when I found out I burst into tears and threatened to leave it seemed as if he was trying to find a wife from his country. Or here in nz we still diddnt not no each other every well it takes years to really no a person then a year later we received his to children due to their mother going of the rails these poor children were abused since early childhood. They were very hard to manage they would threaten to kill each other lie steal. I do my best to care for them aswel as my daughter I feel like a solo mother of 4 I do everything home work bathing cook clean headlice but my partner still continues to hang around other women he says he has never had sex with these women he just can’t do it to me that he loves me I have no proof but he’s the only 1 telling me off these accounts or women for him there like friends but he’s always cutting it off and a new women will appear in his stories I have people I can ask but I don’t want them to think I’m stupid if I don’t find anything, or tell him coz he will get angry. He should spend time with his family not other women he’s lied about it but eventually tells me he says he never had sex with them I still feel betrayed and hurt and feel like he’s lying to me. it doesn’t make sense and I feel used like he doesn’t care about me he just needs me to look after his kids. and pay for rent power and food and because I’m a good role model I don’t drink or smoke. the women he hangs around with a trashy no class even some hookers they go to his work for car parts and the other men around him a dirty men who encourage these women to come to there work buy giving free stuff. is my partner cheating? or am i paranoid ? Or am I being used? I’ve felt he’s being cheating on me since the beggining he said to me when he was drunk he’s been trying to find a women like me but has never found 1 he says there al shit hmm during relationship or after I diddnt get that part yet aNd drinks a lot hes now crossed the line and brought my brothers girlfriends arse up while we’re having sex I feel he’s not attracted to me he wants another women with the same personality traits kind and humble he blames his encounters on me Neglecting him Ive just had two babies sand haven’t had time to focus on myself he doesn’t go out as much as he use 2. he does come home late sometimes and has a 7 sereis Bmw wich attracts a lot of attention he lies and hides things and saves all his money to himself occasionaly he would take me out but not often he says he loves me but this doesn’t feel like love I am the type to hope for a fairytale family but I’m confused because I can’t live like this I need your opinion.
bettySeptember 14th, 2015 at 4:11 PM
I think he is being unfaithful.
BradenApril 24th, 2015 at 3:16 PM
Are there any good men out there? my partner always says he’s a good man he’s never cheated and won’t hang around women again but I’m at that point I really don’t beleive him his storeys are always changing and he keeps promising me the same thing but continues to do it Ive had enough….he’s a self centred arsehole that’s big pitcher I’m grtting although he is really sucking up to me with because this last story has just made me turn in my stomach he drove a prostitute to buy alcohol when he was surposedly at a friends house drinking with work mates. He told me her pitiful life story I’ve seen this women around I want to ask her if she had sex with him but don’t no how
AudraMay 18th, 2015 at 5:23 PM
So few understand the damage broken trust can do. It leaves you questioning just about everything that person has ever said to you. Wondering if you know them at all. If you feel the relationship is worth saving, you should be very specific about what you need from him to regain your trust. If he’s not willing, to me that’d be a clear signal of a relationship worth letting go…You’ll likely need to see a professional together to help you rebuild that trust and honesty that is so critical for a healthy, mutually rewarding relationship. Sending you my very best!
HeidiApril 27th, 2015 at 2:18 AM
I have been married to my habitual cheater husband for almost 4 years now. Although i never caught him in a full blown affair but mostly cyber relationship which consists of international texts messages and international calls where he uses his company phone for all these stupidities! This time around when I caught him he denied chats and calls but only texts i tried ringing the immoral woman and heard a purring yes darling and that confirmed my doubts that his text li love and miss you darling looking forward to spending the night in thailand with you is more than texts messages so he finally admitted calls too and admitted to 2-3 times/day week texts and calls or most probably both? Aside from chats…
I have been ill for quite sometime 1st with an accident at work which resulted to a slipped disc then lately been to A&E due to massive bleeding…during his past actions i have given him chance time and again but he breaks it on annual basis this year i just HATED him so much that i just want him to suffer and i am now turning into a monster who just want to gurt him as much as he hurts me. He said he is sorry and knows the consequences of his action but everytime i treat him badly he shouts and runs to his ex wife or daughter for comfort and hides there…he breaks his promises ninstop he is just an immoral moron who keeps on breaking my heart. This was supposed to be my 1st holidya here in the UK with both of my kids and yet he ruined that too..worst he knew why i left my ex husband but he still does what my ex did to me…i just hate them both with all my heart but since he was good to me i want to give him another chance but seems to me my excuse as i do learned to love him at the end..i want the relationship to work but i also want to make him suffer first….i just feel so lost and now lost 5kgs since the discorvery..i cant sleep i cant eat my hatred is eating my heart and no idea what to do…will i still really give him a chance or walk out now and just start all over again? I did end up marrying a monster at the end of the day he told me i never wanted to marry him in the first place but at least i am the one who is keeping my vows unlike him so do this same thing every year since i’ve known him…i just hate him but a part of me also want him to prove hi self that it wasnt all a lie….
roa aMay 1st, 2015 at 8:16 PM
My sister have a fiance who lives in new jersey she think that he cheating her with his ex wife and she think that they live togather. how we will prove that?
EmmaMay 10th, 2015 at 2:00 AM
hi nice one here
louiseMay 13th, 2015 at 8:09 AM
how do i get over my husbands cheating if i also cant get away from the other woman?? it was over 4 days they kissed and slept together once he saying it was a mistake etc but the other woman is a mum at my childrens school!!! its like a constant reminder and i dont have the option to move them schools! its just horrible i have mind movies of them together all the time so am not sleeping very well we started couple therapy this week but its just so raw still and i found out 5 weeks ago does it get easier?
AudraMay 18th, 2015 at 5:15 PM
I had similar issues. Find a way to make it new. Different. If you can’t change schools, find a way to avoid seeing her as much as possible. Change the way you get to school. Add a special routine of your own, each time you see her – give your child an extra hug or kiss each time you see her, or treat yourself to a favorite beverage! Change the trigger as much as you can if you’re not able to avoid her completely by taking your power back. Make it a trigger for something positive of your choosing. Sending you my best!
AnoymousJanuary 19th, 2016 at 12:50 PM
When my husband of 25+ years cheated. The thought of seeing the person he cheated with again was horrible. So I packed up and moved to Alaska and said you can join me and work it out or stay.
BrendaMay 22nd, 2015 at 12:13 PM
I was heart broken after I found out my spouse was texting and phoning someone behind my back but once I confronted him he said she was just a friend and there was no sex. He said the last time he saw her was about a month or more ago. He was hurt when I threatened to leave which I didn’t do. I believe him and the fact he wouldn’t hurt me.
I have a good sense she was simply a friend or Mid Life Crisis considering his age, the death of serveral of his siblings and the fact his daughters and I didn’t get along very well.
I have been working on rebuilding some kind of relationship with his daughter’s and he recognizes that.
I keep reading all the information on the computer
that I can find and it is helping me cope with angry, betrayal, fears, anxiety etc.
Please help yourself… and forget the past.
cJune 25th, 2015 at 7:37 AM
my situation is exactly the same. Please direct me to the websites that can help me through this.
briMay 26th, 2015 at 7:54 AM
I recently found out the love of my life, the most perfect man ever, my partner for 9 years and husband of almost one was cheating on me. I never in a million years would suspect it. I found messages, then confronted him. He was so ashamed and felt so guilty saying he didn’t know why he did it and he didn’t know why he started talking to them again. I told him at first I wanted a divorce but then told him I just want to know everything. He told me a few things but not everything and kept telling me not to ruin things, kept telling me we could work it out. I told him I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to, the whole time I was ordering our wedding pictures online for extra copies to hang up. I knew I was going to stay, but was upset that he knew how much I trusted and loved him. He is the only person I ever hung out with and talked with . The only person who made me feel whole and beautiful and could always take any of my pain away. The next morning he committed suicide and I have been depressed everyday since. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t give me time to calm down, not that I was even yelling or calling him one bad name during the argument. It hadn’t even been a 10 hrs since he left and never came home….
LesleyJune 6th, 2015 at 6:03 AM
Oh Bri I am so terribly sorry. Ive been through a husbands betrayal very recently but Im not ready to talk about it yet, still struggling, but I cant imagine what you are going through, I know how desperate my husband was when it all came out and how close he came totaking his life. I am so very sorry for your loss. x
jenniJune 6th, 2015 at 7:03 AM
I have been with my husband since I was 15 we had a little break for 18 months then got back together and have now been together 12 years we have two boys together and up until this year have had a great life I love him so much he’s my best friend.
He’s a really hard working man and would work evenings and weekends so that we can have the nice things in life but in January he started suffering with depression I probably wasn’t as understanding as I should have been because I didn’t really like him working late but he was also having a drink after and drinking and driving so I would be cross with him anyway things got bad and at the beginning of March he went to stay with his mum for a week to give us a break it didn’t make things better he was just drinking even more he had been to the doctors and been put on anti depression tables but wouldn’t let me go to the doctors with him after the worse week of my life we decided to have a weekend away together and it really worked he can home and I felt happy that I hadn’t lost him but he was spending a lot of time on his phone I questioned him and he told me to check it so I did and that’s when I found out he had been talking to an ex!All messages deleted so I could see what had been said, He said she was suffering depression and that she had just been a friend as he said he had no one else to talk to.i felt so hurt he had been going round there in the week he was staying at his mums he promised nothing had happened that it had come close but he bottled it and left. I chose to believe him he still continue to drink heavily and a few weeks later go so drunk he talked about killing himself. We got help from the crisis team and he is now on medication for drinking it’s been a month since he’s had a drink and is in a lot better place. However I have not been able to get this other women out of my head and two nights ago he finally emitted that he had a one night stand with her. He says he’s really sorry that he loves me that he’ll do whatever it takes that it wasn’t him he was ill and I do believe him I been with him half of my life but it hurts so so much I just don’t no how to deal with it. I want to kill him I want to kill her. I loved and helped him get better and now I feel broken.
Sorry I’ve gone on a bit
DeboraJune 24th, 2015 at 12:16 PM
I must say.. My heart breaks reading all these… but I can tell a story myself. I met a man online who I fell in love with and had no idea he was married until months later. Unfortunately… by then I was deeply in love with him. I broke things off and he left his poor wife for me. I clung onto him while he went through a lengthy divorce. The pain and humiliation I still feel and mistrust in my new marriage is overwhelming. There were no children involved… but his wife was destroyed. I am now married to this man who I caught trying to arrange secret sex massages with women who are online. I never trust him and we fight frequently. I brought all this upon myself. Recently I told him I hated him and the quarreling is killing us. I attend marriage workshops and counseling but nothing will sterilize the pain and deep mistrust, I apologized to his ex-wife… This man now pays me little attention and I’m waiting for bad karma to come my way. I’m prepared for it this time… I feel terrible I allowed this to happen. I’m a christian woman and swore I’d never let this occur… I was swept away in false hopes and expectations… very sad… I’m ashamed of everything… and my marriage isn’t blessed. I’ve gone to god over it but I just cannot get past it. Its a horrible thing to realize when you’ve made stupid choices that you’ve brought tremendous pain upon yourself and others.
PaigeJuly 17th, 2015 at 7:50 AM
I am proud of you for apologizing. I’d give anything to hear an apology. It really would help the forgiveness process. I hope you can forgive yourself. No matter what you did he has no right to do this. I hope you find a way to work through this with him – or without.
LisaBAugust 26th, 2015 at 12:50 AM
Deborah, forgive yourself. I am amazed that you had the integrity to apologize. It shows character. We all make mistakes.
My husband of 17 years cheated on me with my so-called friend, who was also my sons counselor. What a mess. My husband apologized to her husband but I have had no word at all from her. An apology would at least let me know she had a conscience. Instead she has threatened to sue me for letting the school where she was a counselor know what happened and why she was not to be around my kids. She resigned. She feels she is the injured party. You at least have sought redemption. Give it to yourself. Let go of him. Be good to yourself.
DeboraJune 24th, 2015 at 12:31 PM
On another note… I will say this. These men who are cheating are not worth your efforts. They cheat because they are allowed to get away with it. There are plenty of men out there who wont cheat, sneak or lie. Single life is always an option. Why do we women feel that we cannot live without these creatures who betray us? If a man betrays you more than once, then red flags should go up. Character means everything… My husband has betrayed me repeatedly… the only fool I see is myself! I’d rather sleep alone than with Judas. If I sound resentful and angry.. I am. But I’m stupid for staying with someone who would leave their wife to begin with… Without trust you have nothing to build upon.
kimJuly 10th, 2015 at 5:09 AM
My husband had 2 affairs. The hardest part is he isn’t being completely honest about what happened and that makes me wonder more and makes me angrier. I’m always so mad and make little comments to him which leads to big arguments. I don’t trust him even a little. Our sex life is pretty much gone and my happiness has gone too. I just want him to be a man and tell the truth. I also wonder was there more than 2 and he just didn’t get caught. How can I make him understand how important telling the truth is. The lies seem to hurt more than the affairs. He was my best friend and now I feel so alone.
BetrayedAugust 26th, 2015 at 5:57 AM
Hi Kim. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I discovered all of the infidelity via social media. It wasnt until confronted with the truth that my husband admitted it. Even then, I only got the full story in dribs and drabs. I left him. I moved interstate. Lo and behold! He is a changed man and wants to be up front with me and wants to bring joy and happiness in to my life. I believe him. The problem is, I am not ready to make a decision. I also fully believe that if I had not left, he would never have realised how huge his mistake was. Men cannot full appreciate what they have until it is taken from them. Perhaps give it a try? If he doesnt make changes after that, then you have your answer about what kind of person he is anyway.
VeeAugust 3rd, 2015 at 8:07 AM
I have been married for 15 years and have four children, two boys and two girls. Two months ago I’ve found out that my husband had an affair four years back and has a baby boy who is three years now! I confronted him, @ first he refused, but finally told me the truth and apologized and promised never to repeat what happened! I love my husband very much and don’t want to loose him, but I’m furious, I’m hurt and I can’t go on. How do I trust him again, how did I not see this? He was always there and there were no signs of infertility! I’m also confused what to do, should I tell him to maintain the child? Many questions go through my minds as to why did he do this? Did he love her? What were is his intentions?
RhodaJanuary 11th, 2016 at 5:41 AM
Reading all the stories left me in tears and my heart goes out to all of you . No one truly understands what a person goes through unless you have experienced it yourself and life never prepares you for the destruction lies and betrayal causeS. My personal story I share so that other women can find strength to face what will be a life time of hurt and pain regardless of how your situation turns out . I dated for four and a half years and got married at the age of twenty three to the only man I ever dated we were young and supposedly in love. When I met him he was just a driver and an in secure boy how ever I stood by him and pushed him to have a professional career in the oil field while I worked and went to university at nights. His career blossomed with very hard work and decedication. Soon enough I was pregnant and we got married and he was sent over seas for the first time to work. From that moment I My life was nothing but a lie . My instincts told me something was wrong however I made every excuse and doubted what I felt .He came home distant and and quietly in the most unobvious ways, he neglected me but, was physically present. He travelled back and forth for twenty years since that time. When he was home for two or three weeks I made it work and never once wanted to believe my husband had negative feeling for our marriage our new baby and of course me . I told my self it was because of work and an adjustment to being home. He emotionally distanced himself as the years went by and we now had two kids. I loved being a mother and wife and loved the good and bad times and accepted that is was what marriage was about. Our struggles were be
beautiful because I believed it represented a strong relationship a couple who worked well and achieved and grew finically as we enjoyed the spoils of the extra money. But something was never right, my husband said I wanted to much attention from him and when he came home he did not want to take the photos or craft the kids did for him back to work with him . I was unhappy in my relationship with him I felt alone and all the responsibility of raising our kids trying to give them a balance life and meeting their emotional needs
looking after our house paying bills was on my shoulder. All the everyday drama with young kids seemed to happen when he was gone and when he was home he was now an honored guest whom I did everything for and our world revolved around him so he could rest and enjoy being home
I up coming years I discovered he felt trapped in our marriage . He said on his first overseas trip he want to be with other women but could not because he was married to me and felt that he was not ready for marriage kids and all that comes with it. Discoveries of him in situations with prostitutes and other women which he claim was not his fault because the guys wanted to go there and he never cheated. But he he enjoyed the attention of other women. My whole world crumbled as it became increasing difficult to cope with his rejection and his not so subtle but unkind words about my appearance and our life. I blamed myself because I didn’t take care of myself. I was to tired and the end of the day and my health began to deteriorate and more and more I felt alone and neglected while husband was our guest of honor who took care of himself complained and waited for me to finish my duties. Our sex life and relationship as a man and woman or as partners did not exist . My husband made comparisons and complained about my bedroom skills especially when I was so tired and fell asleep during sex. Our fights became more and frequent and more distasteful. My life was my kids and I focus all my energy to giving them a stable life and found ways to cope and hide the problems of my marriage. Every time I discovered another situation I asked for a divorce or tried for a separation with husband. He would tell me it would never happen again and I felt badly for my accusations because I would see how sorry he was and how much he said he wanted his family . I forgot about all the birthdays and Christmas’s and anniversaries he showed up for with out a simple token of appreciation and forgot that he told told me on Mother’s Day he did not see why he needed to do anything for me because I was not his mother. None of these things matter because my poor hardworking husband felt excluded from our lives and struggled with himself. I felt I let him down as a wife and my physical appearance was so bad he had every right not to want to be with me . Plus he made mistakes and was in the wrong place at times.
Twelve years into our marriage I was learning to trust him again but he was sent to Indonesia and he fell in love like never before. He called her when he left , he called when he arrived stayed up all night to chat with her on the computer and when he was there he spent all his time with her because they were co workers. When I discovered the affair he initially said she was a friend and soon enough I realized she was not . He was never himself and could I not believe the person he had become . I saw messages two days after he arrived that he sent to her, telling her he wishes he was with her and how much he misses her. He reminded me that he was not ready for a family and kids and that he got married to young and how unattractive I was and he could not handle our kids and the noise and all that family stuff . He only spent ninety seven days a year in country for four years in that time my mum discovered she had cancer my dad died suddenly and my health was also a mess . We fought every time we were together and lies and deception got more complicated when I told his parents . He said he ended the relationship because of the chaos I created and he never forgave me for interfering in his relationship and that he could not separate himself from her. His attitude towards me was nothing more than hate and resentment which he also showed our kids. He did not want to hug them or be a father to them he never did home work or attended and concerts or played an active part of their lives and now he behaved as though they were not his kids and this was not his home and we were not his family. He was extremely distant arrogant and wanted nothing to do with me and our family. I never truly believed he loved her and wanted to be with her it just did not seem real and this was not happening to me. I believed he always wanted to be with me and it was the the girl who pushed and messed with him and because he was weak and alone and I was not a good wife and the demands of our marriage was to much for my good husband . All these years of marriage I told myself I was the reason for my husband unhappiness and everything he did was because of the person I am. I took full responsibility for his actions and accepted that the two years we had no sex was my fault. My core sense of being a woman did not exist anymore and I turned to another man at a very low point and had sex with him. I never told my husband because I did not want to hurt him. He did not deserve to be cheated on even though the hate in his eyes showed. The battle continued between us his word versus my word he lied and gave away my mental health to this situation . My husband was now offered a managerial position and he was asked to live in country which meant we had to move with him and my focus changed in two weeks because of all the possibilities for my children and for us to be afamily and for the first time can be in the same home everyday. It was the reason to fix my marriage give us a whole new life and kids would have their Dadddy. We moved to Indonesia with lots of promises of a renewed family life. After fours years of living in Indonesia my husband never put any effort into our marriage and family life he never asked me to see his office instead kept me away from his professional life. He worked long hours made every excuse slept on the sofa many night turned his back when he came to bed and I had to beg him to interact with the kids. We never went out together he never invited me to company events and I only knew him when he walked through the door. The man that walked out the door I never knew . Today we are separated my daughter will be of to university in a few months and we will be on our 19th wedding anniversary . He told me he was always felt trapped and wanted to be with other people and henevrforgave me for making him give up his relationship and that he could not be a husband to me here because this is where his relationship started and he had to deal with his feelings for her that he missed what they shared and because the work closely together everyday it was difficult to be with me . He lied about their interaction when I asked over the four years. He told me he had no contact with her or even see her at the office which was the futherest thing from the truth . They had meeting together in his office and spent a lot time together.
In those four years my health issues became more serious and I gained a lot of weight I was not extremely obese but but was bigger than I ever was . He said to me he could not look at me and was not attracted to me. He never showed concern for my health and paid no attention to me needs. All this time I though my beloved husband was stressed from his demanding job and I needed to be supportive and not be demanding but be accommodating.
I loved him with all my heart and soul and to this day cannot believe this is my life. The lies, betrayal and his double life all these years seem unreal even though my instincts were right I believed in us and our marriage and our history .
My kids love their dad but feel no bond with him,my hurt and pain is so devastating that the person I was has been destroyed. I suffer with several conditions that is stress related, it has affected my heart, degistve system and my muscular and sketal system and now I am on chemotherapy to suppress my immune system and I am also below my recommended weight
My husband still thinks he did nothing wrong and that what happen between us was because of our relationship and all these years was an exaggeration on my part because he tried to deal with his feeling and his demons and but I made it difficult for him. He said all he ever wanted was for us to have a good relationship and I never gave him a chance . We are living apart and he is said he is determined to fight for our marriage and should let him date me again and that he make things right .
I told him that in the nineteen years he was dealing with his feelings I raised our kids to become amazing Individuals lost both my parents and managed our home and family life supported his career and found my inner strength to finally walk away.
PinaJuly 27th, 2016 at 2:08 PM
I am so sorry. I read your story at work and you made my problem seem small. Thank you very much for sharing.
I will be praying for you and especially for HIM. Take care
Still MarriedAugust 22nd, 2016 at 9:52 PM
Hi Rhoda…& Everyone reading in this Awesome place We all found for a reason or a purpose ( I believe that) or I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need some help for coping and maybe understanding what others like yourself as we all have something we are relating to plus so many others stories here & Real life can at shocking times bite with a sucker punch to the heart with so much hurt in our lives .My marriage has always been good with old school values .So here I try something out of my comfort zone I’m gonna do this bc I need opinions or anything helpful ! Plus I am never one to ever leave a comment or have I done so before by this type of method yet the Goodtherapy.org made sense for me as I found I felt better (reading others experiences ) but worse for others bc I felt who am I to feel so much pain when others ( mostly woman ) but I still felt I can relate in certain feelings & circumstances yet I needed to continue to keep trying to understand Why ?Why Am I going through this’ hurt’ heart ‘anger’ off and on still ? Was it my fault ? What was he thinking ( he wasn’t ) duh! Seriously …I truly feel blessed to have stumbled upon this site ! It saved me from my self hate of myself a lot & it’s been an ongoing constant stress and worry about ‘The Anger ‘ We all must obviously still harbour so I needed a place to find that I could feel not alone with my own experience as well as feel good in the sense others have had some of the same issues with all ( you Ronda) going through those ups & the downs with the good the bad the ugly with then starting to remember How to ….Love Myself Again & Im Sending you cyber hugs & I’m
^ Praying ^ for you all ! We have unfortunately have All had some similar things Some very bad and some worse than I could even imagine or live through so Thank-You for sharing yours as I have felt numb as I’m not feeling as alone anymore bc I was keeping most of mine under the rug ( no one knows about my struggles ) to get to what I think is the 100% truth as My husband still believed until a few months ago ( he did nothing wrong )? ! We are so much on the same planet now yet I still struggle to find myself again as It has gotten better Rhoda yet my nerves and body took a huge dive ! I gained weight bc I lost myself in my own very private life .Then when I was starting to see and hear my husbands different attitude and his anger towards me with such a lack of anything I lost weight from the stress of the fighting and the cold lost connection we one time can ( a great close couple ) I had been home for years also looking after the kids while he worked and he didn’t notice my weight loss as he lost weight I found out his friend lost weight ? Weird? Yes really F’dup ! Sorry but I never got any compliments on my hair or weight as I started to try hard bc I was a good looking woman as I knew that yet I didn’t feel the love or anything from him in a way or believe in my self as I was home sick a lot & tired with home bound bc we have a very hard situation ( longer story to explain to come ) in more details but still I have my stress factors that hit me with I found so many triggers as my husband still works at the same company as this now ex co-worker non friend as he stopped all the convo’s as well as they never have spoken since as I believe him but he knows it’s my request as if this hadn’t been a secret casual work only friend only with never nothing on his phone or a text ever yes then I would not believe him bc no emails either as my hubby isn’t into iPhones or technology like Facebook etc. as he just has a work email ( he hates it ) but if had to is check his ( already did while we were at his work … Clean on anything so this coworker works with 99% all men as shes in a different area but the same big ol’ building as I never met her or was able to really get her story as she wanted to meet ( yet pulled out last minute ) as I was ready to see what the heck was her deal? She knew I think she best back off ( I think I knew ) she was busted on her big crush on my hubby & I think she hoped for years he’d maybe one day be interested as she was not his normal type ( very plain ) but that is why my husband is such a good man as he looks beyond looks and likes a funny good hearted person yet maybe that odd compliment made her think otherwise yet he’s to blame as he screwed up with to much lending an ear to her issues ? Never not telling your wife about someone like a very minor person you pass by at work at the water cooler or hallway? Never mix work and no wife knowing these woman without not talking or mentioning her ever about me ? Your loyal wife?!!! Hurtful yet private we are but not talking ever about me ? No way !you had her thinking maybe she’d snag you in our low stressful times like then ?! Yeah! I think she mostly loved all the male attention ( my husband is sweet and very good hearted ) very respectful of All woman ( opens doors ) etc. She had & has them ( the guys) mostly all those married or not ( she tends to gravitate to married men ) though yet my husband never thought he was being sucked in by the office chit chats ! I told him he had to take a step back and watch her in her ‘mode’ from through my eyes as he had to & he did with a big ‘Wow Was I Ever Dumb ‘! Now I see What you were seeing , feeling , etc. It Took a lot of fighting and anger with hurt for him to see and even understand my Hurt with My Marriage Was feeling also I felt Over yet Today is a good day! I Love This Man My Best Friend & He me when we had to work through this severe anger with such horrific pain from such trust issues I had had before as he realized he hurt me very badly and We are working on a Better life with doing a lot of heavy seeing through this pain I felt … It gets easier to get through a day after a year and 4 months but it never goes away the changes I still have my days and moments in trust and betrayal even now I have to keep busy with loving myself as I hated myself also as I blamed myself as you too ? What a huge difference in how I am today with telling my husband what I feel as he gets me ( I think ) hah! But We are on a better path or page of knowing each other better as we are closer than ever ! I’m always feeling I’m loved more and as a couple we are more open in all our long few decades or so and we needed no third wheel in our 24 ( his work only friend ) as that would be the deal breaker if I ever knew of or found out he talked to her ever ? Over & Done with a big Fat Divorce for his Renewal of Our New Marriage Rules ..,I LEARNT I NEEDED A BETTER BOUNDARIES RULE OR CODE IN PLACE WAY BF WE MARRIED BC We had a massive crisis going on I was unaware of as my husband thought this very casual work only friend ( a few hello’s or How are you etc. ) was no big deal ?! Not! So my little crisis was very minor to yours as well as many others ! I’m hoping you are better with yours as your health is #1 right now as I relate to it ( experience with that stuff ) & Someone like your husband needed to step up for you as your children yet didn’t yet your story inspired me to write to say Thank you to you & all the others to read a bit of mine as I pray for your health and your heart is be mending in someway for you deserve good things and most of all Love in your life bc your a Strong lady and you deserved better ! My story I feel in so minor of what you endured but again I haves finished my search for the full story … I had to accept my husbands version and believe in myself that our Love would be stronger and if this is it … I’m happier today with what he has been doing and proving with feeling more Love However… I to Rhoda have struggled with so many little things in comparison to your situation & others here yet I felt compelled to write for it helped me your story have Hope in myself and ‘Keep the Faith’ that I was not imagining my inner Strength intuition as us woman I believe strongly have a Special Gut something tells us God maybe or Within our own intuitive I’m very much effected by even what little I know yet felt so many of the same things about my own self as a woman I was off and on in my marriage sick with many issues so much of the stress levels with these feelings
TaraAugust 5th, 2015 at 11:19 AM
Hello, so here’s my world. I have been with my husband for15 years married for13. We have 6 beautiful children together. I have recently f o und out that he has been cheating on me for years
The first was my best friend and after that crap ended he continued to be entirely inappropriate with other women to the point that I almost left him for his relationship with his secretary. He was aware of my doubts and mistrust with him. He repeatedly told me I was nuts and I deserved a man who would cheat. Holding himself on some sort of a pedestal. Meanwhile throughout all this he had slowly lost me and I had come to terms with being in a relationship for the rest of my life with a liar and a morally compromised human. I had many babies and we had created a beautifully balanced sham of a life. Too much for me to screw up my babies lives. It wasn’t as if we argued all the time .. I just drifted away from him. Then a few months ago I pinned him down about another friend of mine . tricking him into thinking she had said something to me .. When she obviously had not. At that time he came clean about it all. Years of garbage and betrayal. Apologized over and over again Saying he would never do it again. Problem is he now is pressuring me wanting this marriage to be 100% . well it’s been gone for a long time I had become distant and going through the motions for years before his recent confessions because I knew what was happening and he was denying . even with my best friend years before. Now I’m angry and furious and wanting him to back up and let me continue to go through the motions .. I have 6 little ones, dinner to make, laundry to do, bills to pay, dance drop off , school drop off , birthday parties, homework, 3 dogs, 2 horses, a rebuild of a massive barn fire and I really don’t have time to deal him .. And honestly I’d rather not. And he’s actually making me angry more then helping anything. I would rather barely speak to him then get into one of these ‘we need to fix this ‘ conversations . because I’m not honestly sure I even know how and when asked what I want .. I can’t answer it . everything I wanted15 years ago has been destroyed. I know I am damaged. I know I’m being difficult but I really am at at a loss. Any advice please ?? And really , divorce is not an option. I just want to live peacfully without the infedelity and try to begin again with time.
LisaAugust 20th, 2015 at 12:06 AM
I have read your story and it has really gotten to me. I have been really depressed for the past 11 years and I haven’t done anything about it. I feel I am an alcoholic and pretend that we r happy but I’m not. I know he has cheated on me but has denied it. I never told my friends or family because I hate to be judge. Please help
The GoodTherapy.org TeamAugust 20th, 2015 at 11:55 AM
Thank you for your comment! Please know there is help available, and a therapist may be able to assist you in working through the issues you mention. If you haven’t done so already, you can search for a therapist near you on the GoodTherapy.org directory, here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
Wishing you the very best,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
ClaraSeptember 16th, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Wow Tara. I cannot believe how similar our stories are. It is the first thing I have read that says the same basic stuff: Cheater. Don’t really feel love for him because of years of not getting the relationship I thought I was getting into. Divorce not an option. Have kids and don’t want to do that to them however I am so angry I can’t get past that. I don’t know what to do. Of course he ‘deeply regrets’ what he did and is ready to move on. Really? 5 years of infidelity with his work wife, who I despised all along, and I’m supposed to forgive, forget, and fall in love? We have been together 15 years. I fell out of love in the first 4 because he became someone else. We have a special needs child who he clearly became jealous of. I don’t know what to do. My friends are getting impatient that I am not moving on from the angry stage.
PamAugust 26th, 2015 at 11:15 PM
I think it’s awful that so many of us are stuck with this situation… My husband cheated on me for a year with a work colleague but won’t admit it and he met a woman on a dating site and went to a hotel .. I don’t even want to think about the rest it’s too painful .. If I had more money and confidence id be long gone.. Every day I hate him more and more and have no respect for him at all … He’s been to counselling and me too but the hurt is unbearable … Stupid thing is it’s how we got together and as a friend said if he did it with you he will do it to you and he did … So sad I thought he was the one and I’m in my fifties stuck with a man I just don’t like or care about much anymore … Next year I think I’ll be out of here and leading a much happier peaceful life hope you find the same
EloiseSeptember 16th, 2015 at 4:35 AM
I feel you honey, my husband of 15 yrs (I’m 33) had his “friend” in our lives for 8 years, brought me around his “friend” and said why I was not nice to her? That they were just friends, then she couldn’t take it anymore, so she let me know about the past 8 yrs and how she was in love with him, and how I made him unhappy, never satisfied, so he came to her when we had problems. I do also want to leave but I work with him at our family business that’s all in his name. We have a 6 year old and I don’t want to tear his world apart… We fight constantly I can’t shake the fact that he had the nerve to bring her around me , and demand me to be nice to her….
HannahAugust 29th, 2015 at 7:22 PM
I found out 3 months ago that my husband had been cheating. I had just had a baby and we both nearly died in delivery and I was/am still having a hard time coping with that. I don’t understand any of what happened with his affair. He says this was a one time thing and he didn’t even succeed, he just tried, but I don’t believe him. His text log proves that he was talking to someone. Why continue lying once you’ve been found out. I don’t get it. Every time I try to talk to him, he gets angry, he’s even hit me. This person is not the man I married. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I’m scared to be with him, I’m scared to leave him. He’s well respected in the Marine Corps; but I know how mean he really is. I don’t want our kids to be alone with him. I want the man I married back. I don’t know where this monster came from:'(
marieSeptember 17th, 2015 at 7:46 PM
I’m so ready to be done with my husband….it hurt so bad that the whole time we been married 3 years my husband has been cheating on me and I finally caught him then he begged me not to leave him and we can work things out and I have it a try.now we fall out again and he leaves so this time he leave and run to another female and I seen him online and I got into his account and seen every message he was talking about from that point I can’t have sex with him when I look at him I feel discuss when he talk to me I turn into evileen and I don’t like that because that’s not me but I really don’t like him my love is almost gone but what keeps me there is are 4 children and I don’t want to hurt them but I’m suffering badly with him under the same roof I tried to tell him let’s be friends and raise are kids he get mad but I’m paying the bills the rent basically II’m taking care of him and the kids everything by myself I’m sick of it all I want out please give me advice
anonymousSeptember 19th, 2015 at 9:31 PM
This is my story and its still hurts me,bare with me because its long, my husband and I been married for 5 1/2 years. I’m in the military and we had our fair shares of ups and downs. In the first year of marriage, My husband was so insecure at first and kept accusing me of cheating, which I wasn’t btw, so instead of risking our relationship and cheating on him, i was tired of him saying things and calling me out my name. Without thinking, I was at work and prank called my exes. The stupiest thing i ever did in my first year of marriage but none of them answered anyway and plus we were miles apart from each other and no i didn’t want to be with them i was being stupid at the moment and not thinking anything of it. Months past everything was good and my husband came to me and ask if I still think of my exes and what not i told him no, forgetting about the situation that prevailed, he showed me call logs of when I called them, I was lost for words and it just look so wrong, he was so hurt and betrayed and i felt so bad for lying to him. My husband was depressed he hated his job and hated me, he felt like i had more than a phone call and had sex during my marriage. We began fighting and arguing like never before, i felt like my husband didn’t respect me or love me and it was showing at work cause I was trying to paint a picture that I was happy and so in love with my husband and nothing was wrong when people knew half the truth. I was arguing with people cursing them out and i was letting myself go because I was both emotionally and physically drained. My husband started changing his behavior and although we had nasty arguments we still did everything together until one day he stopped and didnt want to go with me to wash clothes. He told me either i was going to do it or he was cause he wasn’t going to with me at all in our apt complex. He wanted to do things more alone himself sou decided he needed space and did just that. I went to the laundry and went to the computer room and met this nice young lady and we instantly started chatting. We had so much in common and she knew me more than i knew myself. I didn’t think more of it cause she too was in the military. My husband came stumbling in and was shocked when he seen me and I was clueless and blind.she knew my husband well and she was able to tell me when I was going to my next deployment things she should’ve have known that I told my husband. The girl is in a different branch from me and didn’t have any friends on my ship. I looked my husband and he was saying that he mentioned it to her. One day i was getting ready for work 4am in the morning and i seen her peeking through her window while my husband dropped me off…she kept doing that every morning when I was going to work and my husband noticed it too. I was like wth is wrong with her and he brushed it off. My husband quit his job and I was stuck paying the bills by myself, one night i wanted to be intimate with him and he did not i asked him why? And he never told me then immediately started calling ugly and he regret marrying me. I asked him if he was cheating on me with that girl across the street and denied it. We argued terribly and fought and my husband hit me for the 1st time at the time it was 2nd year being married. I completely lost it and ripped all his clothes on him and threw his clothes outside and made him go bare foot he cried so bad but I didn’t care but got sensitive later and we slept separately…our second year being married was hell and his mother made it worse for me. I began to come late to work and my performance went downhill from there. My husband and I didnt speak passing each other with hatred i spent holidays alone even though we were in the same roof and he finally left me after our last fight. Luckily I had requested a 3 week break or else I probably would have lost my mind. That was the same timeframe he was gone we kept conversations over the phone he promised that he never cheated on me with the girl, he was mad what i did to him and he was home sick and didnt have any friends since we moved to another state, he eventually came back caused i was a sucker for him and we worked things out we moved to another place and he found a better job and we were fine. My husband and I been trying to conceive a child when we was dating after being a year together it just didn’t happened and tried after so many times failed. So we ended quitting on having a baby but he secretly wanted one which was another factor of him being depressed.this time i was going on my deployment and he wanted to start trying all over again but me being disappointed at the time gave up that dream even though I wanted it just as bad as him. I told him after i get back we’re definitely having our baby. I was gone away from him for several months i kept in contact with him and all. I thought about my husband so much i was so depressed cause I was treated so poorly by peers away from home. I called my husband every port we had and payphones and emailed him when I got the chance. I even made sure he had extra money so he didn’t have to worry about being short because he was paying bills while i was away. It was until I gotten a notice saying that I was behind on my electricity bill and my husband’s car was behind on payment. I called him and asked him what was going on with the bills because I didn’t understand cause he got paid decently to cover everything. He told me not to worry about it he used it to pay a ticket off because he went to the bar with his friends. My husband met friends during the course of the time i was away and didn’t think nothing of it. Everytime I kept calling he made it clear his friends were important. I was jealous and we was arguing and his attitude changed. I gotten a second notice saying his car note was behind so I cut off the money i was giving him. We argued to the point i told him that I thought of the past and I didn’t like it and he was treating me over the phone. I asked him if he wants to work out the relationship between us, get a divorce and go our separate ways. I only had a month left to come home btw and our arguments got worse over the phone, i cried so much i was crying around my co workers because he said i was cheating on him and to do whatever I felt best cause he didn’t care for me. When I finally arrived home my family was there including my husband i missed him but hated him and I didn’t want our family seeing us with problems even though it was shown by our actions. My family left and I finally got to catch up with my hubby. He changed so much and I missed him so i forgot the problems we had when I was away. We was so in love it was like how we were when we first started dating. Two months past everything was good and then the bad news came along with it. I woke up to a text message on my husband’s phone early in the morning while he was sleep. I don’t know what made me read it but it came from a unknown # i didn’t know saying let me ask you a question i called the number and a girl picked up. I was mad and woke my husband up and ask what question a girl needed to ask him at 6am. He told me that it was a classmate in his class probably trying to ask a question or something. I listened to him and he went to work and waited for him to come home, which he did but barely stayed he said he was going to his friends house for a brief moment I told him I was going to cook and have dinner ready and we made love and he kissed me goodbye. I waited until it was 10pm fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to be alone 2am with the house dark…i was worried and I called my husband until he picked up no answer, he came strolling in around 12noon and I was furious on a Saturday. This was becoming a norm for several weeks and it took 3weeks later at a restaurant we went to for my husband to tell me he was cheating on me and that he loved the woman and her son. I was torn now i wanted to start my family and my husband was seeking for a divorce and he didn’t want nothing to do with me at all. I lost my mind started smoking drinking crying profusely everything the whole nine yards. I had thoughts of suicide cause of the depression that took before during and after my deployment. He been dating her for four months while i was away spending money on her that he forgot all about the bills. I was left home alone catching on bills and he didnt give a damn about me. I don’t know how i managed to bare all this pain but i went to counseling and was suggested to get a marriage counselor. He barely showed up for our session but he came at the last minute. We talked about our issues and I felt so bad what the things my husband was saying because he never gotten over the issue with my exes and how i treated him like trash which I do admit that I had my fair share of hurting my husband with my words. I gave up hope and I agreed with him to sign the divorce papers idk what made him changed but he finally saw i was leaving him for sure and he ended up dumping his gf and refused for me to sign the paper. He apologized so much for what he done and wanted to continue our marriage sessions. I fell pregnant right after and here i am supposed to be happy only ended up sad crying depressed and hurt from what he put me through. He assures me that everything is going to be fine and gave me all his time in the world begging for my attention, but to only find i regretted being with him i told him I forgave him but in the back of mind I’m disgusted by him and can’t let go its been over six months now and I can’t forgive fully only to cause more problems while 7 months pregnant idk what to do
September 20th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Anonymous. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AshtonSeptember 27th, 2015 at 1:59 PM
So me and my husband married Aug 22 2015. It was going so good. We’ve been together for 7 years and have 2 children together. He has cheated on me the 2nd year we were together it had taken me so long to get over.
Might sound dumb but it took me sleeping with someone else to get over it. I broke up with him first because I had so much resentment on how he “got away with it” and just get his family back. My heart was soo broken. We weren’t married at the time.
So back to my story, we got married this year and everything was perfect I never loved him so much in my life. Until one night 2 and a half weeks after the wedding. Not even a full 3 weeks of marriage he takes off on me to go drinking and slept with some homewrecker.who is known for being one who gets around. I can’t believe he did that I’m soo hurt , but I’m even more angry
Only thing is, its different this time because we are married. I believe in one marriage only, like we said in our vows.
I feel like vows meant nothing to him, even though he says they did. Ive just been feeling so numb, I don’t cry that much at all this time
It’s like I’ve built an emotional wall with no crying. Now it’s just a wall of anger.
I dont know what’s right or how to feel. How could he do this to me. Just thinking of her on top of him makes me angry
She took something from me that was so hard to get back the first time he cheated (with a different gurl) and I hate it. My emotional s are fighting eachother. We found out a day before the wedding that he has a disease called Ankolsis Spondylitis. Its a cousin to ALS and will eventually shut down his body. So I’m soo angry and very sad at the same time. That’s where my emotions are clashing. I want us to work so bad but this anger is hard
BashiNovember 20th, 2015 at 10:15 AM
I want to be very clear here as I find it a must to negate any message here that claims you had a part….there is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change your partner’s path and the problem is not you, the problem is not your marriage. The problem is his 100%. You do not get to own ANY of his decisions. Too many people far to quick to point to the betrayed partner and to the relationship and say “clearly, something was missing in the relationship” or “how can you own YOUR part in the betrayal”. Again, let me be clear, this is not about you or your relationship, this is totally and completely, 100% HIS problem and never, ever to you have to take even an ounce of blame. Never.
lynnJanuary 24th, 2016 at 4:04 PM
Ive been married 32 years my husband is 6 years younger then me he recently cheated on me i suspected it confronted him he lied he wants me to believe it was because he wants wild sex i have never turned him down for any of his wants he says he is afraid of growing old. He says he broke it off and wants to go for counseling i did throw him out. I want counseling because i feel sorry for him i was a great wife and mom to our kids i supported him thru everthing. My kids want me to leave him i am so confused part of me hates his guts
StephanieDecember 3rd, 2015 at 4:16 PM
I met my husband in high school and we dated for 2 1/2 years before getting married. We were young and everyone told us to hold off on getting married and get to know each other but we insisted on it. We were married for 3 years and his behavior towards me started to change. Suddenly we were bickering over the smallest things. Anything to give him a reason to fight and leave.
He started working late at his job more and more and it seemed to be an escape for him. One night he fell asleep early and his phone went off. I had this feeling deep down inside to open the message and read it. It was a number that was unknown. I messaged back and said hello. Long story short it was a woman who he worked with and they had started a relationship at work.
After confronting my husband about it he said they were just friends and to stop overreacting. Even though the messages showed that there was more. I only asked to see if he would be honest with me.
This behavior of treating me like a stranger continued and my birthday came and I received nothing. The following month I found out I was pregnant and he continued with the relationship. I was able to log into his email and read the entire thing.
He wrote her and she wrote back…with no concern for his pregnant wife.
Once Christmas came I again received nothing and decided to leave. I stayed with my parents and the space was nice. I started to feel like myself again…I was motivated and was happy. Didn’t take long for my husband to start calling me and begging me to come back.
Even after everything I couldn’t disregard my feelings for him. So I moved back in and we are continuing to make this work. He transferred to a new facility and has been working there for a few months now. Months passed and I received a message from his mistress wanting to meet me to apologize…but I couldn’t bring myself to see her face to face.
Even though he’s showing an effort and wanting to fix things I can’t stop the worrying. He tried to take me out and but me flowers but I can’t help but feel foolish for continuing with the relationship. Lately I’ve just felt disgusted and want to leave. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s forever changed me. In the most negative way possible…I look at him and feel sick. How could someone be so cruel? If you’re unhappy why not just get a divorce? What’s the purpose of staying married to cheat and cause the pain??
JessDecember 4th, 2015 at 12:11 AM
I can honestly say that I relate to what you are saying here! I feel for you so much and hope and pray you are well. My partner and I had only been in a relationship for about 4 months when we found out I was pregnant. About 2-3 weeks after that discovery, I found out one morning that he had been cheating for a couple months. I went to pick up my phone that fell behind the bed and found a love note and then I went to grab my clothes that usually fall beside the bed and instead picked up her underwear and clothes. It was one of the most horrible days of my life – I felt like I was crying from the core. Unfortunately there was plenty more of this type of crying to come. We both decided to try and continue a relationship because of our unborn child and because I loved him to death and he also said he loved me throughout our relationship but went astray due to deep depression after the breakdown of his family (ex and young son); a depression that he had been in for pretty much the duration of our time together. He promised we would work toward getting down to the core issues and he said he would never see her again.I know for a fact he called her to tell her it was over and that I was pregnant and she was naturally upset and started threatening him in a scary way, which unfortunately is happening to us now about four months later (I had to change my number and we had to block her and her friends on fb to try and protect ourselves somewhat). It turns out, in the few weeks between when I had found out and when I had a trip overseas, he had, after her many attempts at begging to see him, given in to her a few times when he got drunk and invited her over to his. I unfortunately did not find out about this until a few days ago (about 7 weeks after I got back from overseas) and it hurt so much all over again because he made me believe he hadn’t seen her all that time after I initially found out. Ever since coming back from England about 7 weeks ago, I am quite certain he has not seen her and he has been quite a different man, plus I moved in last week. We’re trying to move forward and we have been feeling a lot better especially after that night a few days ago when he finally broke down in tears and we sat and agreed for him to put everything on the table, with no judgment. I am hurt that he cheated (especially while I am pregnant), but the thing that hurts me the most is the fact that he didnt feel guilty enough to tell me…both times!!! I happen to be quite observant and so found out on my own. It hurts that the other woman could have the audacity as well to keep trying to harrass him to see her even after she knew he was not in a strong place (weak minded) and she knew we were expecting a baby and we were trying to move on together. He is in such a better place now. He seems a lot happier. I am feeling better but will get some counseling because of all the shit they put me through while being pregnant. Thankfully our child is still healthy after our 21 week ultrasound yesterday which is a relief considering the amount of pain and distress I have been under for most of this pregnancy (I initially found out when I was about 6weeks along). What makes it even more difficult is that while I am in immense pain still and am having issues with trusting him still, I am still trying to be strong for him cos I know he is not as head strong and is still coming out of depression. But sometimes I feel like I am not allowing myself to properly grieve and have someone to be there for me. We’re continuing to do well now but we are trying to protect ourselves from the psychotic harassment and outrageous stories from the other woman who is trying to break his relationship with me and our expected child by sending me a detailed text after she must have screenshot my number from his phone to hers while he was asleep one of the times (full of some truth but also lies that I know for a fact are not true because I was with him at that time). And what really scared us was her contacting his baby mot her via fb and sending her messages containing truth and lies. She is trying to break down his life because she didnt get what she wanted, which is incredibly immature and bitter and I pray for her to get help and find better ways to spend her time (like spendin time with her 3 kids instead of worrying about ruining someone’s family!!) I know what you mean though about looking at him and being disgusted and thinking why didnt you just leave me instead of dragging me along making me believe you were a changed man and that you were loyal, as I was to you??? I just dont know what to expect anymlre, because in the past, when I thought things were good, I always found out something new, which broke me down again, so now Im at this point where Im trying to be strong for our child and Im trying not to let myself think that things are all good just in case I find out something painful that he’s lied about again. I am positive for the mostpart though because our baby is healthy and will be able to be cared for due to my partner’s full time income as I got pregnant while being a full time student and haven’t finished uni yet. I am also feeling better because he is showing more and mors signs of commitment. I sincerely hope everything is good for you and your partner.
NandaDecember 8th, 2015 at 4:10 AM
I can completely relate and i understand 100% how you are feeling. I am so sorry you have gone through this and know that you are doing the right thing by concentrating on your baby. I have also been goong through a similar situation.
My husband and i have been together for 7 years and married for 5 out of this. Earlier this year when our baby girl was only 4 months old i found out he had been having affairs with several different women for a very long time. Knowing he was sleeping with lots of different women, taking them out, spending money on them, spending time romancing them almost destroyed me. I felt especially devastated because he was also having sex with them and i whilst i was pregnant risking giving me and our unborn child an STI.
I have always worked full time in addition to taking care of the household. As i entered the house, even pregnant, after my 1hr 50 mins commute to n from work i went straight into the kitchen to cook, do laundry n clean. Whilst my husband was supposedly ‘making money’ for our future by working in our car business he was actually spending money we did not have doing shopping for other women, meeting them n taking them out. And then if this wasnt bad enugh he would come home saying how hard and exausting his day had been.
After having the baby he would pick a fight abat everything, i got virtually no help n still managed to take care of the baby and keep the house immaculate m dinner ready. Whilst i was taking care of our child he was giving support to his girlfriend all day everyday cooking for her, shopping for her house n looking after her kids. Yep… What a man… He could not afford to buy me a small cheap car but could afford to do all that for his mistress and buy himself a plane ticket to go to attend 2 of his friends wedding. He told me he needed to go to assist his family who needed help, this was 3 weeks after i gave birth.
When i finally created the courage i called his girlfriend, introduced my self and when she told me he had told her we were separated i asked if she wanted to come to the house to confront him together. So we confronted him, he went wight as a sheet and couldnt utter one word.
Needless to say i kicked him out. I was broke, i had no savings, my mat leave money was due to end, i just broke down n fell into a deeper n deeper depression. To top this off he owed the woman and lots of other frienda n family money which he was ising to find his lifestyle. He even used the backsated child benefit money to take women to reataurants lol
I was in a real bad place for a long long time, i found support in my family and at 26 moved back woth my parents with baby en tow. He made my life a living nightmare, strained me financially n if it were not for my parenta and the benefit i eventually applied for i dont know wat i would have done.
I look back at how hard we fought to be together and cant understand how or why he would destroy it all. I only wanted honesty. Why would you beg someone to have a child with you only to do this to them? He has forever changed me. I later during the breakdown found out i was pregnant but it was ectopic, needless to say i went through this on my own too.
He has apologised several times but i cant seem to overcome it all. Its always at the back of my mind and i get angry for no aparent reason or out of the blue. Now my little girl is 1 and i am looking for a well paid job so i never have to ask him for anything n he will never be in a position to blackmail me.
Stay strong, stay true to yourself n do what is best for you n your baby. Dont forget there is help out there, you are not alone. Dont stay just for the sake of staying you deserve to be happy, trully happy. In hindsight if i had put myself first in everything things would have been allot different. X
BeckieJanuary 15th, 2016 at 3:55 AM
I have been with my husband for 7 years married 4 1/2 of the 7 years and have known him since 1988 when we first dated as teenagers. Last year around this time my husband and I seperated for almost five months deciding we were never gettimg back together and divorce was eminent. Well, we did get back together and decided to be honest about if we had dated while apart. I dated one guy for about 2 months as for my husband he slept with 4 different people in which he worked with. I was hurt and a little disappointed that he allowed himself to be intimate with so many but I decided that if this marriage is what I really wanted then I had to let the past be just that. One month after we got back together while we were back home visiting our family I found out that he continued 3 days after we got together to cheat on me with one of the girls. I found out that this girl is 22 years old, 7 months pregnant by her husband and also has a three year old. My husband is 45. This girl is the same age as one of my children and has children the same age as our grandchildren. I’m completely devasted, disgusted and just want to vomit everytime i think of his affair which is most days never ending. I can’t stand to look at him, I think he is the most selfish ugly form of a monster that a man could possibly be. I’m so exhausted, terribly depressed. He blames me for his behavior, then says how sorry he is and says it hurts him more then I know. I want out of this marriage so badly but do not know how to let him go in fear that he will sleep with her again or find another young girl to prey on. I know he is not a good person, he is a manipulating liar so why is it still this hard for me to let go?
ZaaraDecember 26th, 2015 at 4:34 AM
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. Recently I found out that he had been having an affair for 3 months with some girl he met at a friend’s wedding. She got his number through a mutual friend, continued to make advances and eventually he just gave in. He’s been terribly apologetic about it and swears he’ll never do anything like this again. “It was just an egos boost, meaningless” etc etc. Usual excuses. What kills me is that there were so many times when I was sitting right opposite him and he would be sexting her. Before this incident we had such an easy and friendly relationship and now I feel like a completely different person. I’m needy, weepy, clingy and paranoid. Oh god, the paranoia! I’ve read so many articles about this and keep telling myself to just forget about it and move in on but honestly, it’s made me completely fall to pieces. I don’t know how to move past this. It’s been two months but the pain still feels so fresh. Any advice would be much appreciated.
CarolineJanuary 17th, 2016 at 3:17 PM
Hi there I feel your pain I found out that my husband, we been together 20 yrs and have two young children has had an affair, he went to a school reuion met up with school friend she pushed him a bit and he ended up having a 6 month affair until I caught him, he lied they never had sex etc so I had to scream and shout to get the truth, like yours he said the same old ego boost and loved the chat etc, it’s been 5 wks I am going through all emotions now at anger, I know deep down I want to save our marriage, why throw away nearly 20 good yrs, of course he’s sorry and changed beyond belief for the better, I do think he got caught up in the chat. It’s heart breaking and sometimes I feel I must be so weak to still want it too work but I know I am a strong woman and don’t want to lose what we had. We start counselling tomo hopefully it will help with my anger as I want my happy old self back. I think it’s just the shock as was so out of his character to behave so conniving and this way. I am sure we have a happy future ahead I just still feel it’s not fair as he had a great time and I was always here loving him and the kids. I hope you find some strength. Before this I would of said he would be out the door and no going back but not everything is so black and white when you find yourself in the unbelievable situation, best of luck for us both.
DizJanuary 24th, 2016 at 4:47 AM
Sounds like my husband.. exactly like my husband. Counselling, written apology hasnt helped, he wont be honest about it. I tracked the girl down and she lied, even while i had her naked pictures in my hands!! I found out about his 6 month affair about 4weeks before our wedding and really, i wish id cslled it off..we have 4 kids between us.. we have great days.. and we have days where i just look at him and want to run away and never see him again. I love him, i love our kids more but i am tired and 3months later it is not any easier to deal with and the idea of spending years fixing a mess that he made, happiness that HE destroyed..its exhausting. Anyone who doesnt have kids, just leave. Save yourself and just stay single.
xoxoRApril 11th, 2017 at 11:47 AM
Zaara, now that it’s been over a year… how are you feeling? I’m in the same position you were in a year ago. I don’t know what to do… I’ve become totally trusting to now wanting to check his phone, social media accounts, credit card records. I’m clingy, and crying all the time :( Not sure if I should just call it quits (since we don’t have kids)… we bought a house a year ago but that can be sold. An 11 year relationship and 6 year marriage is hard to give up… he’s been trying, but it’s been tough.
HannahJanuary 6th, 2016 at 6:56 AM
If you have no children and your boyfriend or spouse cheats- do yourself a favor and run far and fast. I am married to a cheater and have two small children. Although my husband has changed drastically and has been making a grand effort the last year it’s never going to be enough for me to be 100 percent happy with our relationship. I forgave the many many affairs and embarrassment he caused us. I have come to terms with the fact he isolated me from having friends or hobbies or a normal life. I am just now at 30 starting to come into my own identity and finish school. I feel so weighed down when I think about having a future with him. I could never leave because I have no financial way to support myself until school is over. I know I have been a wonderful mom and a great wife. I have always tried to be a moral compass for my family and put them first. I have forgiven so many times and tried to be mature when my spouse was acting like a teenager. It’s exhausting. I like to think there is someone out there who will love and cherish me and adore me just as I will them. It’s so sad to feel trapped. I would even rather be single and free my entire life given the chance. No matter how hard your spouse tries…how many therapy sessions you attend…they are still a cheater. There are still good men out there. I really do believe that- but my husband will never be one of them.
YesJanuary 8th, 2016 at 5:55 PM
Hey, I’m sorry that you’ve been through all of this but if you’re strong enough to stay by a cheating man knowing he won’t change and he doesn’t care, then your strong enough to take your child and leave. Look for family support, if you have to move in with your parents, a sister or brother do so and start your life over. If it were a one time thing and he was the one to tell you and showed remorse I would say “well ok, give him another chance, work things out” but apparently that’s not the case. Remember that our children learn from experiences, teach them to respect themselves, respect other and to make sure others respect them. Show them what a happy family should be like. Good luck!
NinaJanuary 7th, 2016 at 4:40 PM
I found out that my husband cheated on me while he was on a military deployment with a woman he picked up at a bar. He slept with this woman more than once and frolicked around like he was a single guy. I found out about the affair because a relative, his sister contacted me to say that seen photos of him on a popular social media site with a woman in rather compromising positions. One could never imagine the embarrassment, and humiliation that another person could suffer at the hands of someone they love and trust (ed). I could believe a lot of things, but this I just couldn’t. After seeing it with my own eyes, sure enough, it was true. He fessed up and admitted to the affair after trying to lie his way out of it, and said that the woman was a teacher. He said she knew he was married with children as they had made small talk in between making google eyes. A month passed and it was discovered that this woman had more photos of the two of them posted on another photo sharing site and that she was not a teacher but a prostitute and the name that she gave him wasn’t hear real name at all. This woman accessed his personal phone, email accounts, facebook account and created a fake profile with his image to purposely connect with his relatives so that they would all learn about the affair, she went as far as to claim her 2-3 year old child was his, posted comments on facebook under my husband’s identity, and said she didn’t care if he stayed with his wife, as long as he continued to talk to her and send her messages. When confronted, she threatened his entire family. After 15 years and two children, you would think that a man wouldn’t be so disrespectful. Remorse? very little. It’s interesting how women are expected to remain faithful and loyal, taking care of the family and “holding down the fort” while their men are away doing their duty and serving the country with honor. Well, while my man was away he’d have family skype sessions with us and go to the bar and pick up this girl just hours later, where is the honor in that. I have never felt more alone and more disgusted in my entire life. I have had little support and have literally watched my entire house come unhinged because of a foreign prostitute who decided to become obsessed with a sailor. This is a situation in which therapy cannot even fix. In all honesty, I don’t believe the anger ever goes way. You can forgive but you can never forget. It will likely take years to undo or at least bandage the damage that these two caused to myself and my family.
HajaJanuary 16th, 2016 at 3:03 PM
I’m an African woman who got married when I was 17 to my husband that was 40. We have been married for 23 years now, but 2 months after our wedding, he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend he claimed he doesn’t loved. When he told me about it being 17, I thought nothing of it but after all these years I’m just not feeling the pain and I’m having a really hard time with it now. Please someone help! As far as I know he hasn’t cheated again in the last 22 years.
betsyFebruary 1st, 2016 at 6:33 AM
Hi i feel ur pain.. my partner and father of my child went to another country for a year to try gather mony and mayb get us over to live.. but anyway a few months in and he had an affair wuth a girl who i met wen i went over for the last few months.. she was with anither wimans man.. and she also had a boyfriend.. she was clearly not a respectable girl.. at the time i was inocent to anything id never have thought he cheated.. i trusted him with my life.. six months lster i find out frim a friend who is in a relstionship with a fruend of his.. it killed me.. we split up.. sux monthd lster i was there for him wen a parent died. We got back together.. was hard at start because it brought it all back.. i know he was sorry he hurt me.. but any way two and a haf years later we now have a new baby.. im happy with him but i still hav my dwn days and ovr think.. i dint know if he cheated with more because i csnt say fir sure now as im not that inocent girl anymore.. my eyes are wide open ti the crazy world.. but anyway i feel sad angry hurt still and sometimes want to talk to a councilor but iv foynd this page and hope to get some comfort back.. im thinking of starting to write dwn my bad thoughts and maybe it will help??? My partner is a good person he just wasnt decent that time of his life.. he firgot me and acted the sungle man.. i still look at him some days and think ‘****’!!
jenFebruary 10th, 2016 at 7:57 AM
It’s been 2.5 years since my boyfriend who I loved, adored and was head over heels for, cheated on me with my “best friend”. After the fact I checked his phone and the entire first 8 months we were together he had been texting other women saying inappropriate things to them, such as “I’ve always wanted to be with you but we’ve always been with other people” or “you looked hot, tanned n toned today” or “I’d like to see you sometime”. Ofcourse he says hes been “friends” with them for 20 yrs….blah, blah, blah. There’s more to the story than that but I won’t go into all detail to keep this short. So alas, I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Anyway, my main point is that to this day I still have all those stupid emotions…mad, sad, disgusted, depressed, etc…I’ve turned into a one woman circus. He’s the only one I ever strike out at when I get on a rage. I’m not as bad as I was, time is helping…luckily for me though I’m not married to him and no kids by him, but I did give up my apartment and me and my son moved in with him a few months ago. I’ve gotten to the point I don’t sleep with him most of the time because I don’t want my son seeing that and I basically believe I am no longer in love. I don’t know if I even love him anymore but there’s still something there. I want to just stay here until I can find another place for me and my son…and I keep telling myself, just keep your mouth shut and ignore the feelings, just leave when you start feeling anger coming on, till we can get out of here… but that doesn’t happen, I keep attempting to make him suffer like he did to me so he can understand the seriousness of his actions. I’m never satisfied with his “attempts” to prove he’s sorry and not going to hurt me anymore. He acts like we are going to get married and he wants to cuddle and says I love you a million times a day but it’s so hard to pretend I want to cuddle n have sex, I don’t like being fake. Yes it took me a veeeeeery long time to start getting better but I am slowly. I’m seeing a counselor and getting on medicine to help me along. Also I am leaning more towards prayer. I really wish I could just give him all the pain because it’s making me very ill. I’m 38 and still have a life ahead. He’s 48 (with no kids, married twice) and he can one day watch me find happiness again while he grows old and lonely!! :) I wish all of you the best and know that time does heal. Hang in there you are not alone!!
MaryMarch 16th, 2016 at 7:54 AM
Hi, I am so terribly sorry for and empathetic to all of your pain. The devastation and shock of betrayal is one of the most debilitating and painful experiences one can experience. The person that had been your best friend and always had your back was now stabbing you in it. My husband of 11 years (together for 15) and father of my two children had an emotional & physical affair with a woman at work off and on for a year. When the emotional part started I noticed shift in his behavior towards me and the kids. He became more distant and critical, we were going through some tough times so I attributed it to that (although I knew deep down there was something else). My husband is in his early 40’s and had been slowly sinking into a bit of a depression since his mother past away a couple of years prior the affair (his father passed away 10 years before that). We had just moved from the city to the burbs (better schools, etc), which is never fun and our youngest child was having all kids of behavior problems at school. My husband and I went from being on the same page for the most part as far as child rearing, discipline, etc. to him doing a complete 180 on hour he treated the kids and me. He went from being kind to yelling and screaming, drinking excessively every opportunity he got, and all around not bearable to be around. Basically is was like living with a rebellious 16 year old. Again, I attributed his shift to all of the changes, stress, etc. And he was having all of the symptoms of a midlife crisis, including the affair that I didn’t know at the time. As far as I knew he went to Happy Hour once or twice a week at most and was home no later than 8 PM. So, I justified if he was having an affair he would be gone a lot more. After a couple of months of this I tried to talk to him and told him I thought he was interested in someone at work, didn’t think it had become physical yet but was afraid if he didn’t stop it then it would blow our family up. I told him if he didn’t want to be with me or be married, wanted to leave etc. then do that or stop whatever is going on. And I even said, Just Please Do Not put me through an affair or lie to me. He didn’t say a lot except nothing was going on. HA! So the happy hours continued and all of the above, about a month after I nicely asked him if there was someone else I went off about being tired of being left to do everything with the house and kids (we both have fulltime jobs outside the house), his screaming at me and the kids, and why was it so important to go to happy hour! Before a few months prior it had never been such an important thing! I rarely got mad or yelled at him, even though we would get angry and argue it had always been respectful…no name-calling, personal insults, etc. An affair will change all of that. So, the night after I yelled at him he texted me he was on his way home around 6:30 PM and didn’t get home until about 3 AM. I was so angry when I hadn’t heard from him, I figured I was being punished for yelling at him, I made the kids dinner, put them to bed and went to bed. I woke up about 1 AM and realized he wasn’t home. Then I started to get worried he was dead in a ditch somewhere. So I called his phone, no answer. Texted and waited a little while and called again and again and again. And then after i had called many times in a row at around 2, it went straight to voicemail. My heart sank, I couldn’t breathe, the pain was so deep, I couldn’t speak and as the reality hit me I began to sob with not a single sound coming out of my mouth. I finally calmed down and started to fall asleep. About that time I heard him come in, I was in shock I just laid there. He came in and stood at the end of the bed and said he just got my text because his phone died and sorry he worried me. He slept in his car because he was too drunk to drive and his phone died. Yeah, right! I told him to go sleep in the guest room, I didn’t want to see him. A few hours later, he quietly came down to take a shower. I got up and got the kids ready for school, let my boss know I would be working from home. Between no sleep and I looked like I had been beaten because my eyes were so swollen from crying I couldn’t exactly go into the office. I told him I didn’t know who he was and I that I wasn’t sure I believed his story. I talked with my mother and close friends, they thought it was strange but just couldn’t see him cheating and he had been drinking so much lately, blah, blah, blah. I ended up buying his story at the time because I wan’t ready to face the truth. We believe what we want to believe. There was another night a week or so later that I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. Called and texted, called me at 5 AM said he blacked out, blah, blah, blah. Bought it again. Then I started focusing on myself and living my own life, pulling away realizing I didn’t want to live in whatever hell this was. He started being nicer but still went to happy hours and stayed out one night until 1 AM after happy hour. Kept texting me to keep in contact but I knew something was up. I refused to have sex with him telling him I wan’t sure what was going to but I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him until I figured it out. A week or so later he told me that he had been hanging out at the place where a woman he worked with lived. smoking weed and partying. That it was kind of like a college dorm. He said that there was a flirtation with her but it hadn’t gone beyond her trying to kiss him one time. He said that she was rarely even there when he went to hang out. Again, I believed what I wanted to believe. I asked him to end contact with her that I wasn’t comfortable and he did. Come to find out this only lasted about 6 weeks at most, and I didn’t find out he had even been talking with her again until 3 months after that. They sat right beside each other at work. At first he was really empathetic and took accountability, but swore up and down nothing happened between the 2 of them. I asked over and over again to please tell me if it did and to give me the choice of the type of relationship I am in. He still would say there was nothing and then he started telling me I needed to look at my contribution to him pulling away, like somehow this was my fault. That was around the time they started texting again, something I didn’t find out until much later. He began getting more and more frustrated with the kids and me again, excessive drinking, etc. Which should have been a huge sign, but I still had my head in the sand. Acouple of weeks before I found text messages between them, we had a party for my parents 50th wedding anniversary at our house. He acted super distant and pouty that night. I woke up at 2:30 AM to find him gone. He contested that he left to go smoke week at the apartments where she lived, but only saw her in passing. HA! Again, believe what we want to believe. A couple weeks later a caught him texting with her about she was so pissed off because he was supposed to come over and he knew she wanted to be with him, blah, blah, blah. We had a knock down drag out that lasted until about 3 AM. He still wouldn’t admit to an affair. She wouldn’t leave him alone, he didn’t want to hurt her. I called him every name in the book and more. I know I have never been that nasty to anyone in my life, and I am okay with that. My kids never heard us and they know nothing about all of this, and I don’t want them to. Regardless of what happens between the two of us, telling them would hurt and damage them more than it could ever hurt him. And my love for my kids is way stronger than my anger for him. Oh yeah, since he told me about their ‘flirtation’ we had been going to therapy. This counselor was a nightmare, he was more consumed with my husband feeling safe (because my husband was abused as a child) than helping our marriage. When my husband would get caught in a lie in therapy, he would genuinely be shocked. Really? I thought the therapist were supposed to be so intuitive to the psyche and there for us as a couple. If a couples counselor isn’t good, leave! My husband has said it wasn’t the therapist fault because my husband was lying the whole time. I said yes, but don’t you think he should have seen through some of that rather than condoning your behavior? Sorry, so a couple of weeks later when he went on a business trip that he said she wasn’t going on and I called the hotel asking for her room and they rang it, I knew. He didn’t call when he got in either night (which he had always done before) he was there. I totally pulled away, stopped telling him I loved him (we had always said that when hanging up the phone, leaving, etc), etc. When he got home from his trip he asked why I stopped saying I loved him when we hung up. I told him I knew she was there because I called and I stopped saying it because he was screwing another woman. He still denied it, said he ‘fell for her’ but no physical involvement. I told him if she was that important to him, he should leave. He didn’t respond to that and got upset when I told him he needed to move to the guest room until we could figure out how to handle it with the kids and start divorce proceedings. He got very angry that I was ready to throw in the towel, I know laughable. I told him as long as he had anything to do with her then he wasn’t welcome in our bedroom. He gave me the old, we work together I have to talk with her bullshit. They didn’t even work in the same group anymore, by the way. I told him I don’t care if you work together or not, not having anything to do with you as long as you are lying to me and involved with her. A few weeks of sleeping in such an uncomfortable bed (poor guy) he announced he thought is was best if he got an apartment for a few months to see how we felt. Told me that he wanted to make sure I didn’t think this was a choice between her and me, blah, blah, blah. At that point I was just ready for him to leave. There was a lot of other BS, emotional distress, etc. that went on at this time I don’t have the energy to write, but he still would not admit to a full blown affair. Once he announced he was getting an apartment and we were moving towards divorce I felt it was time to start telling people besides my mother. His decision to get the apartment also prompted my mother to tell my father, the holidays were coming up and she didn’t want him to be blindsided. Needless to say, my father was most unhappy and disappointed and initially said my husband would not be welcome at the house. When I told my husband that my mother told my father and that he probably shouldn’t plan on going to their house because he wasn’t welcome, my husband was hurt and a little scared I believe. Then unbelievably enough, he seemed almost insulted he wasn’t welcome. When he told me that, I said well when you cheat on someone’s daughter they usually aren’t thrilled. Our oldest son’s birthday was approaching and I am not sure what happened, but he started to apologize for being so horrible, saying he would never forgive himself and would I please rethink the divorce. While I was going through this I decided to call the other woman one night and see what she had to say. She asked more questions than I did, but she did confirm their physical relationship. After I talked with her he finally did come clean that it was a full blown affair. Said he thought as long as there was a chance I didn’t think it was I would be able to forgive him. I decided that since we had 2 people that didn’t ask to be brought into this world that I could commit to trying. But I needed him to go and talk to someone to figure out why all of this happened because he says he isn’t completely sure. Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it is what I believe, therefore I can’t open myself to a true reconciliation until we have a better understanding. Who goes to the extreme of renting an apartment and never moves a stick of furniture in and then terminates the lease, at a cost of course (ah, money well spent along with thousands of dollars that were spent picking up tabs at happy hours and dinners for the past year). I am not willing to stay married just for the sake of the children, life is too short. If I am going to stay married to him it’s for a good strong marriage. I have started therapy for myself to work through this and hopefully reach some personal growth through this experience. He has not started therapy yet, I do not nag or threaten, I have told him that he needs to make that decision for himself and he is free to do that. However, I can’t start moving forward with him until he starts to figure out why all of this has happened. One of the hardest things is letting go, realizing I don’t have any control over what he says or does that I only have control over myself so right now that is what I am trying to focus on. And that if he starts seeing her again, I will know and I will listen to myself (not him) and we will get divorced. I still carry a lot of pain and anger that I try to manage the best way I can but some days it is really hard. That is probably why I have written this short story for you all:). Thanks for listening… it is very therapeutic to get it out, in some ways putting it out there relinquishes some of the power it has over me.
Still MarriedAugust 9th, 2016 at 12:35 PM
Hi Mary & Everyone …I as you have gone through a few similar experiences as most of us ! Pure shear Pain ! My husband still insists that he never cheated ( sure ) Right ?! I mean he states that all he Did Do is pretty much say a few things to his longtime co-worker ((Ugly Friend )) that was chit chat a bit on the job in which he said 2 comments that a few co-workers may have heard which were no big deal ? What? I had my husband admit only to saying this B…. Was looking good as she’d dropped a bunch of weight as he was also complimenting her ( he gave an example ) to me that he said to this co-worker “Geez your hair looks good “so & so …?! Wtf! Why are you complimenting a co-worker even at all btw when you Never told your wife ever about this person ? She at the time I started to think something was weird as we had been going through a very stressful time in our lives with our home life as well as our personal issues as We’d struggled with many things that I felt we were falling to pieces as he was working constant (a lot of time away ) as He’s the only income in which health issues I had going on with our stress We were so challenged with him being also at the time in which I got a gut instinct something may have been up ?! I asked him and he laughed at me ( he was drinking more than he’d ever done ) at this tough time as he had slot of time in which he was slower ( around Xmas 2014 ) yet I didn’t really fully imagine what I’d then find out about when I felt this very weird vibe coming from the love of my life ! We had not gone out as a couple for 2yrs. My health was very bad with severe anxiety yet I was always home with our kids & I was never invited to his work where he’d had a lot of time alone running around stores by his work as also I had no idea he has a work only he says friend as he stated no cheating ever as he did though not feel that he’d done nothing but maybe change his behaviour ( I told him ) to stop with this B….! as of Now ! So he did just that as far as I know as I know I came to his work several times to pick him up / pop by with lunch etc. I know my husband is a very good man and father yet as my husband this was not acceptable to have this secret friend I knew nothing of for years .We were at talk low point in our marriage I think never talking or being a dating married couple as We lost I think our connection together as best friends are supposed to still do things with each other ( we hadn’t been out ) on a date for ages or went to no work functions for years either as like I said I was very ill with that Cancer stuff with kids with a lot of needs we were over whelmed yet he also was tired and maybe felt he needed an ear with this woman as she I’m sure loved my hubby’s convo’s because he keeps so private yet he never mentioned me at all he said with her bc he didn’t like anyone in our personal business from work and so I found out about this friend in April or May 2015 bc I still don’t know what to think about this situation yet I gate him some days and live for the love we have still yet I will never be the Same Woman and person as I had to accept that this was an emotional affair bc I couldn’t prove they had sex or anything other than a work thing so I am still very scarred to this day today and struggle with this every other day or week and what to think ? We are stronger yet that 24 yrs of marriage is different yet better for me as he’s open about everything or I said I want a divorce and at one time he was gonna move out as continued story as my husband came into the room …
kim wMarch 28th, 2016 at 2:25 PM
my husband cheat? please i need some advice
EllieApril 30th, 2016 at 11:55 AM
It has been two years today, Mere. I am still not over it. We decided to work on things after a 6 month separation. Recently we have been arguing because he is complaining that I am not sweet anymore and I argue that he is on facebook too much. My anger, hurt and void has not been replaced with new and happy memories. My sweetness has faded and until I can truly forgive him, my bitterness is growing. I am ruining the very thing that I wanted to salvage. My problem was/is that I wanted and longed for what we had before his affair. The reality is, that relationship died along with the trust and bonding that was built up the previous 5 years of marriage before he had an affair. Just today we went to the mall, he bought an excessively over priced watch and the new LeBron’s. He impulsively spent over 500$ within 30 minutes. My anger grew solely because I remembered his impulsive buying before the affair. It brought back so many memories. These memories are killing my desire to be sweet. The affair ruined everything.
CarolJune 2nd, 2016 at 8:51 AM
The first two days after I learned my husband cheated were probably the worst 2 days of my life . I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach over and over every time I thought if it . It scared me how intense it was and at that point he was not communicating so the third day I decided to start a journal . I wrote down every single thought and emotion I was having , I wrote down questions I had and the facts from the fiction that I created in my head . It was incredibly helpful in not only sorting through the emotions but exactly where each though was connected to that emotion . I highly recommend this and also sharing it with your husband when ready so he can fully understand your emotions as well .
GuiltyAugust 2nd, 2016 at 8:58 AM
I am writing this as a husband who is the betrayor. Please dont comment on this just to say hurtful things. I admit what I did was wrong, a total betrayal of my wives trust. I know that I have hurt her so deeply from my actions. I have tried to express to her how sorry I am for what I have done, but its never enough. I am always failing her. I know that she is in alot of pain I can see it in her eyes all the time. Even when I cant see it, the thoughts are still there. Is she going to yell and scream at me again? What is she thinking about right now? When I kiss her I feel like she is thinking about my betrayal. I feel like she is slipping away and that no matter what I say or do nothing will be good enough. She told me about a week ago now that I can say all the right things and do all the right things, that I can be 100% perfect and it wont matter. I still betrayed her. last nite as her anger grew I saw it in her eyes the look of total hatered. I wish I could go back and change my actions. I wish I could go back and open up to her so maybe all of this would not have happened in the first place. I just want her to be happy once again. I dont know how to help her, its eating me alive to see the pain I have caused such an incredible woman. I have read and read post after post, and actical after artical to see if there is something I am not doing or something that I am doing wrong. I never find anything to help. I feel like I am atotal failure to her as a husband and as a man. I cry every day because of the things she has said to me. I know she will never forgive me, I know that this is how the rest of my life is going to go now that I have destroyed everything I held dear to me because of my selfishness, my need to feel special and apprechated by someone. NO ONE COULD EVER replace her my soul will be lost without her. It was foolish of me to think that what the OW was making me feel about myself would somehow make everything ok. Please help me someone! I need my wife, I love her with all of my heart and soul.
OliviaAugust 2nd, 2016 at 8:25 PM
I wonder every day if my husband feels the way you feel and to be honest, I feel just like your wife. He can say and do everything but I feel like I’m not here anymore. The man I thought I knew and fell in love with 16 years ago is NOT the same. He has ruined me forever and what I believe about true love. What I believe about faithfulness. Maybe one day she will start to not feel so sad, the experience will never leave her mind and heart. She’s probably very confused knowing she loves you but her heart is so broken. Just give her time it may take a long time but if you really want her don’t stop trying to help her get THROUGH this. Please don’t stop persuing her. Don’t give up on her. Her sadness is because of your actions so you just have to be prepared to take all that comes with it. Help her get through it, it’s your responsibility.
These are the words of my therapist. I am currently going through counseling just so I dont feel like I’m loosing my mind and feeling so sad heavy. We have 2 children that I need to try to keep a smile for.
callieAugust 26th, 2016 at 1:17 PM
Confused, I am a woman speaking from the other side of this kind of mess> For decades I held my husband under a control he did not want and frankly did not deserve. From 1985 on it was him defying the people and his father to the point everyone was scared to deal directly with him so they could keep him from using his seniority to take jobs. shifts, holidays he wanted, weekends and nobody could ever convince him to let people with greater needs have the spring summer and early fall vacations and Take the weeks after the holiday shut down week. He could not even be allowed that ever because to many with church, children and affairs of the heart could have the normal shutdown between Christmas Eve and New years. it was so bad in 1987 that he had not had a day off since 1980 between the Navy’s Submarine service. and the needs of other people, In early june he used his seniority of 11 accrued years at work to take a vacation to Rome using a Union/ work perk for large group travel and use the vacation as our honeymoon we did not get in 1982 due to the needs of the navy, When his father came to me before that vacation, begged me to interceed and get him to work double shift to let two other people in his department with 6 and 9 years less seniority A very pretty 21 year old blond whos mother was a director in the community hospital, and a father who was an area manager in a different department than my husband worked. I cried it was not fauir his father should ask this but he said socialy the only person in our marriage that had any consideration due was me, my husband just needed to learn to take things with a little grace and accept his role in life.
I found myself standing in front of a notary signing two copies of what my husband wanted in exchange and putting my hand on my bible and swearing that upon my return from Rome. I would no longer refuse sex, I would go on the vacation he chose any time, any way and any where he chose as a willing wife and travel companion. I was not expecting it to turn into a trap. First he informed on the way to the airport the couple and the brides parents as well as the grooms that never again was he doing another thing for either of them, This was the last time he was taking the back seat willingly. He told the girl he had never let het bat her eyes and swing her hips huis way she may as well start doing her own job. he got us to the unload and He was not going to take any ones luggage in for them, His father was so mad he screamed you forced us to repay the fees , so he could earn it by at least taking our luggage in to check in while we arranged things. First he said If we had not paid him back the couple would be staying not him, So It was his money and he had already earned it and his father could get in line for an a** kicking right after me if I did not live up to my promise when we got back. Then He shuffled to the back of the van He did it as slow as possible saying, “I’s be sorry massas, Dis po old house n***** just got’s lost in me thoughts. I’s be rights there to see to yous pretty things.
when yous gets bak all rested and ready he would be waitin strapped to the wheel for his whippin,” With the hundreds of people there Everyone going wanted to crawl away, There was noting graceful in our send off when we turned back and he peeled out duping our luggage in the road then crawling over the seats to throw the rest out as he left his finger was raised out the window. Not even a kiss and have a nice time, just because he had to be nice and work doubles for two weeks. Over several dinners I had showed his father and everyone else what I had signed. The area manager said he now understood why he was so angry, The vacation scheadual had been made and he had the right to his three weeks plus the ten days personel time a total of five weeks, He said the best time he could suggest to not cause any disappointment was from january 4th 1988 to February the 14th 1988 any three weeks in that time frame, Of course that was if he did not bump someone out of their vacation to take his. His father said he will take his stinking vacation when and how he was told or he would not take one at all. We flew in on June the tenth to a very fast moving morning with my husband loading the van just about dragging customs ourtt with the luggage, I was sent throught the declaration line first to figure out what his hurry was and Tell him we were going to stop for breakfast and give him the boots we chipped in for as a peace offering and show him the albums we made and start making the plans for after the Christmas shut down, to go on vacation then, I got to the van and I think the tears started coming on then He had his cloths, hanging in the back hook. his seabag packed, a tent and 2 sleeping bags and mats. I knew ghe was not going to wait six more months for any reason unless he hurt someone. which he was doing bumping a man and his wife out of a Canadian fishing trip, She had told me their plans months before. I told my husband he could not do this. He could not destroy other plans just because he did something nice for some one else, HE said did I think it was being nice, if I did I was very wrong, he said I told you that the seconds I stepped off the plane he expected everything in our agreement to be lived up to, by this time his father, mother and aunt were out and his father sauid just what did he think he was doing, he said as soon as he dropped them off he was pointing the vans nose west to see his grandparents first in Wyoming, He told his mother they already knew his plans because they had asked him to stop. I was by this time crying, everyone was saying couldn’t he just go to work that day, we were tired and he shut everyone up then saying just like he was tired two years before getting out of the navy and driving from South Carolina getting 35 minutes of sleep and still not getting a day off because daddy decided he had to be a man and reinstate that day. He said as far as he was concerned I had several Promises to keep with the one in 1982 in the church I had yet to live up to. I could not say anything because what he said was true. It was a very sour feeling everyone getting into the van to go home, I tried a new tack, I said If we waited till January we could go to an island or beach and Have the three weeks there. A nice romantic time in the Bahamas, Caymans, Hawaii or Barbados. He could work the holidays and add that to the vacation. He informed everyone in the van he was also tired of working the holidays so that also was not happening this year. Everyone felt like we had just been hit in the face I said why he told me even the vacation reservations needed resevartions to go where I suggested, I then listed places to drive to, Florida, southern Texas, California, even Vegas if nothing else, hE SAID NEVER HAD ANY INTEREST IN VEGAS, as for the rest why did I think he would want to drive to some beach that was barely warmer than home over icy roads. There was just nothing we had to reason with him over, then his father opened his mouth making things worse saying then just stay home and rest, be a damn man about it and wait till the next year. He nearly was put out on the beltway. I finally put my foot down and said he was not going to use my promise to him as a gun to everyones head We could go home he could go to work and we could talk through this in a decent way and try and think of something else to do, I said one times as good as the other isnt it, he said not if he’s driving. I said well I would scream he was holding me hostage if we were going that day. He went to the bus station the next exit, said well he was not going to take that threat again. He was releasing me from our marriage since I was a liar and not going to keep my promise, HE pulled out signed copies of a divorce filing he was sending to the county clerk, he went in Purchased a one way ticket to my mothers handed me the savings in a cashiersv check. I said what about the gift I bought him in Rome things did not have to be this angry over a vacation and timer off. He Said Give it to the next chump. he was done with the lot of us, His mother, aunt and sister were crying. they were saying get her off the bus and go everyone else would have to be disappointed. and the last sight I saw was his brothers trying to stop him from killing his father, Because he said one day he would know his place coming from the phones. My husband has not had a real vacartion sinc 1981 even yet. In 2009 he developed MRSA in his spine that fall. I was working on a five week rental in st Croix starting the second of January 2010. He had Thrown me around the Airport getting the cancelation Check For his trip on the Orient express, His father came close to dyeing with his hands around his throat demanding his passport back. and getting him to try and work out a middle ground for everyone. had repeatedly failed the last 24 years, In 2001 after a hole was drilled to the center of his head. At That point he started taking rights without discussion, Over a job bid his father and others wanted him to back off of, he broke my ankle and just about killed four other men in taking a new job In Under one minute on our front porch he goaded them into jumping him Then he used his martial arts training from the army and the navy to turn them into broken men and Kicked the front door in on top of me that’s when my ankle broke.
Three Years ago after three years of rehab from MRSA causing His spinal cord to crush, He came home to me getting ready to go to a fund raising event with his mother, father as the escort to his fathers best friend after the divorce he went through, My husband walk in from The center and proceded to tell me I had no more rights after stealing his for 31 years I was going to be the wife he had expected, not the community girlfriend and tramp living on his dime. He was refering to me seeing to my own needs since we could not trust him enough to let things remain peaceful and the two affairs he knew about. Both those men neatrly died in his retaliations.
That Night I was trying to get him to met after the event, Talk his grievances out and come up with Some kind of solutions. I was begging him to just sit with us after the event and we could try and come up with solutions and what he could be allowed now. He informed me tar evening we allowed him nothing, from that second he was the final judge and arbitor under his roof and he expected restitution for 31 years of a stolen life. starting with me that evening , I was either going to submit or his the street in nothing in -40 degree weather. He did not give me any choice in the matter and a half hour latter I got off the floor crying hurt. He started throwing his fathers friends around hurting one of them that evening and five times now hes been stopped from murdering his father. The only person that had any influence on him died four weeks ago, his mother, His sister had set up a private service for him after the one attended by everyone else, The time the main one was getting ready to start he marched up the steps with his cane, and a friend of the family stationed at the door just in case he arrived at this service put his hand ion my husbands chest, said turn around and come back latter, Before any one could stop my husband he broke the mans arm in four places slammed him of walls and concreat steops leaving him for the poice to take care of as he marched to the front row and took his place, his father said he was going to kick his rear back out until things were done, and my husband sauiid he could arrange his funneral the first kick. The police woukld not stop things so his father just sat crying. At the Interment He was asking if I just could not have him jailed for the things hes done or at least a Confinment in a mental institution. There should be no one that defys people like my husband. Where we have lived the last three years is way out in nowhere. 1230 miles west of where he used to work, He rides horses and uyses a lariate, and now is heavily armed with a 12 guage scater gun and a 30 30 lever action. I have seen him hit targets repeatedly from 400 yards or 1200 feet without a scope. I just say now don’t anger him.
August 26th, 2016 at
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The GoodTherapy.org Team
Confused Yet AgainAugust 12th, 2016 at 5:42 AM
OK….so five years ago I found out my husband was cheating with one of his employees. I saw the text on his phone. He admitted and said he was in love with her at that time we had been married for 11 years, but in a relationship for 20+. We have three kids, the oldest was 18, youngest was 9. We had issues with infidelity on both sides before marriage, started out so young. When I found out about his affair and his love for her I was devastated. I blamed myself… mostly because he was telling me things like she has a really good heart he needed someone to love him and give him the attention he needed and appreciate what a good man he was what I wasnt doing those things. I confessed and told him that after we were married for two years I had an affair with someone at work, it was during the time my father was diagnosed with cancer and I felt he was absent in support of me, no attention or love from him at that time. I thought by telling him this he would understand that he is not alone many of us have felt this way and thought that turning to someone else with me answer. Of course he turned it against me and said he knew all along or had a funny feeling and that was the reason he decided to cheat 10 years later but then he confessed to another affair of someone who worked for him and said too, that that was probably because he had a funny feeling. I have never cheated again since that first time so I don’t know what feeling he could have had. For the next two years after his affair in 2011 he continued to make plans to move out and have a single life and hopefully continue things with the girl that he fell in love with he would tell me daily that I needed to move on, he loved somebody else and I brought it all on myself because of what I have done so many years ago. the torture lasted for two years he did finally move out Oct 2012 and then came back professing his love that loyalty lasted about a month. He refused to wear his ring on show me any type of affection in public would ask me things like let’s have a threesome or an open marriage or constantly tell me I wasn’t spontaneous enough. I really beat myself up over his affair and tried hard to make things work went to counseling and engaged our pastors to help us through this time. I found out this year when dodoinour taxes that had been sending her flowers for her birthday we are now five years away from the affair. The flower finding was a few months after my father passed away I was completely devastated and had also lost my job of 20 years (no support from him) then I cheated he found out and now I am the worst person in the world even though my Affair meant absolutely nothing it was totally out of spite and I no longer talk to the person. but every day I am constantly beaten down about what I did and when I mention the things he’s done he says oh I only did that because of what you did first. I have no idea what to do. I am fearful that I am in for another five years of torture….still unstable and don’t know where I stand…my kids now 23, 18 and 13….sigh.
Confused FianceSeptember 18th, 2016 at 9:29 AM
My Fiancé of over a year had an emotional affair. She admitted kissing but says she cut it off quickly because she knew it was wrong and wanted to focus on us. She still maintains a friendship with the other guy and this makes me so angry. I’ve been horrible for a couple of months. She says she is upset by this side of me she’s never seen but just last week the other guy called her cell at 9:30 on Thur night just to say hi. It upset me but I didn’t get angry. I’ve poured my heart out to her and said I want this to work. She still keeps me on an even field with her friends, this guy and everything else in her life. I am definitely not a priority. I feel like I just need to walk back, ask her to move out and let her decide if this is what she really wants. Any advice would be appreciated.
Still MarriedSeptember 21st, 2016 at 7:20 PM
Hi Confused Soul, First of all … I’m sorry to hear of your situation with your fiancé . I’m concerned for a few reasons and here are some suggestions I would try or do before you make a change #1. Think about if (you can) continue on in ‘your’ life while your living together one year in “engaged” in a dedicated Full 100% open & honest relationship with ( your Wife to be ) the Love of your Life with your fiancé and her ( male friend that she admitted to kissing ) once as you mentioned as they are still friends ? #2 Are you able to accept your fiancés one kiss ( her mistake ) she did tell you about it so You both need to accept the emotional affair of a kiss (ask her calmly) Everything ‘She Can Admit To & Confess To … Then decide Can you trust her again ? Will you put up with this guy friend calling her anymore ? Will this not make you question there might be more ? Maybe that’s all there was ? Maybe that’s all she is confessing to ? You Must be the bigger person to Look within your own eyes and ‘Your Heart Will’ tell you but moving forward is key with starting the process of forgiving her along with the male friend because you can chose to either speak to that guy friend of hers and ask he stop calling her immediately / via any texts or email communicating to your fiancé because he’s not respecting you as we’ll your fiancé needs to end this emotional affair with the other man her ‘guy friend’ because You Will Not tolerate anymore contact with this situation ! Tell her to switch the situation and ask your wife to be How Would She Like You Engaging in This very hurtful upsetting behaviour ? #3 Can she for the sake of your pending marriage to come understand why you have reason to feel and Be Confused ? #4 Love and commitment is built on locality , trust and commitment as moving ahead to the marriage stage you are not willing to stand for any more behaviours in her ( NO MORE CHANCES ) As you will NOT tolerate or stand for anymore ’emotional’ cheating as ( a kiss is physical ) ‘Cheating’ is just that ! You can forgive but it’s very hard to forget that ( as a man ) or anyone …so your fiancé kissing any other man but You only has damaged your trust This is a team together as you know and remind her again that That mistake or not has really damaged your heart of what both your relationship is suppose to grow into a forever long-lasting vow of marriage with her also completing you as a lover , a fiancé as you both are living together ( already ) as common law partners a ( pre-trial ) to your marriage to come as your both engaged in a supposed committed (you & she only as one ) to be” Best Friends ” already with an open committed partnership together / You want to keep an ‘honest system’ of this currant > learning in process <of All issues talked about keeping communication with one another very much #1 because this kiss DID HAPPEN with her male friend STILL CALLING AND INVOLVED IN YOUR FIANCÉS LIFE WITH YOUR FUTURE IN LIMBO ? You must express and tell her immediately What and How YOU are feeling ASAP and This IS NOT OKAY WITH YOU ANYMORE ! WHAT are her thoughts on Why she is okay with her male friends calling her at such a rather late hour at your home together ?
#5 Very important step to take: *Remember* "Confused Soul"… Stay focused on your feelings on this whole Big picture ( the kiss ) but Stay in topic of What you would really expect as a Team together going forward *Keep Calm* in your conversation ( stay neutral ) focusing on Why you are still together ( engaged ) living together is a big step of what marriage will be in both your lives while you express To her your 'Loving her still' yet you are working on the steps to forgive her as your grateful she confessed this secret ( the kiss ) but bottom line you WILL NOT TOLERATE AGAIN THIS ACT OF A MASSIVE LACK OF BOUNDARIES RULE ! Remember to keep as calm as you can while expressing your trying to remain positive of this was a mistake and She told you before MORE HAPPENED ( Do you believe her Truly that is It ) ? If so then you have to accept that it happened as it was a one time only ever deal as you can forgive her with the promise from her It never happens again as You ARE WITH HER STILL BECAUSE YOU 'LOVE HER 'AS your her fiancé and you want to be an Open Book ( no secrets ) So Talk This Out as your her' best' friend ( right )? This is Why it's So So crucial YOU BOTH MAKE "NEW BOUNDARIES "RULES so This NEVER HAPPENS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AGAIN !
#6 You must yourself that chance as well as give this in your heart that Time To Heal ( this is tricky ) or Make up your mind /& heart what Will Be Will Be Because everyone ( you will know ) if you can go onward with the test of Time in your commitment You may go with you like you said maybe this is a good time to ask her to move out ? This may be the key to seeing what your fiancé does .You will begin to see her actions as if she agrees to moving out this May be a good thing as she will show you how she acts in the future with professing her Love for you as well as tell you She wants You Only ( not her friend ) Should matter while you both work on your commitment with one another because No guy wants another guy calling his fiancé as your (engagement is a serious step ) along with your already together ( living together too ) So no male friend should want to mess with an already committed couple with him ( this male friend whom kissed her or whatever because THIS IS NOT OKAY FOR YOUR SAKE OR HERS TO KEEP THIS GUY STILL AROUND AFTER WHAT JUST HAPPENED ! No one said your fiancé can't have a 'professional work only' friend no male friend should be over stepping You as her fiancé anyhow as it's very disrespectful of him to think this is acceptable or okay in anyway now at this point Period! So You are not Willing to risk another mistake! Be patient with your emotions as Express our feeling to your partner because anyone whom has experienced any type of Emotional Affair or not ( the kiss was physical ) It could have been worse yet it could have been prevented also yet We all make mistakes and No one person in this world is perfect .
#7 You deserve to know Your feelings matter most as well that The Truth is just that as You move forward with your life as merging to one in a future marriage or you think about if you can have this male friend still calling her on her cell in your home together with that said She needs to own it all and Stop the Games ( either she gives up her guy friend ) because It was wrong and She tells him that this is the end of either her friendship to him or stops talking to him all together for you because of what has happened or You tell her what you expect from this guy friend she kissed once with them both disrespecting all together your feelings and can't she see What's more important ? Your future as a married couple etc. or her male friends late phone calls while you again watch her make another bad decision with the guy friend she kissed keep walking all over your already established time together with No boundaries at all because You are right to be confused right now as in your fiancé Love isn't exactly still giving your current feelings still with a lack of regard for what still is going on as this is a Big deal in your life and should be in hers ?
#8 Please make your New comfort zone of a Real Deal Breaker of Both agreeing to 'New Boundaries 'Rules or You ask her to move out for awhile so see understands you will not settle to be #2
#9 You are doing the right thing already by reaching out to someone neutral whom can give you a very honest opinion as well as this is why you say at the moment Lost Soul in your life you need to be feeling secure in your life and your fiancé needs to also stay focused on you and you only with her future with you as her male partner and future husband if she's in LOVE with you only and your her #1Guy in her life going forward ? Besides her father etc. This is a simple No Brainer in my opinion !
#10 Think of How you Feel Now and Think about Yourself as well as Your future together …Ps. Everyone makes mistakes in life and Love but Can you forgive her ? Will you be able to eventually forget about this? It's up to you as You have to Love her to continue your life together as the same goes for you lady Love of your life so your Heart will heal in time yet you will have to work on yourself Believe in yourself ( in a good way ) Ask yourself if you want to continue your relationship ? Can you see yourself with anyone else but your fiancé ? Maybe again Your needing to address this with your partner as open as you can ( you would be of course ) and have every right to be what you said very angry , unbearable , hurtful / & etc. Because those are very normal feelings ( with this type of betrayal ) of course Your heart is crushed as Your entitled to Feel the way you have with this situation . Some people may be able to say they can let this go ( it was just a kiss ) a guy friend no biggie yet You will be the only one to make that Important decision ( your life your pending marriage ) as whatever you do think about where your Heart is and Who Has it ? Can you heal with moving on (some may say ) as others may say for them it's a major 'deal breaker' in your relationship or time to take a break or breather because you both live together already ? Sometimes your Heart will guide you as in if you feel you maybe want her to move out (maybe go for it ) because You will know then more as in how your relationship goes from trying this to see Her actions with what happens as Do what you need to Confused Soul as It's Your Life And Life is a Happy Time to Be with the person you Love ! You will as time goes by get better but your the only one whom knows your fiancé best Ps. Sorry btw. I wrote alot but felt compelled to respond as I'm Praying for You to get the Best Positive outcome ( whatever is best for you's ) However It's Your Life ! You'll know (intuition ) your gut as words are just that right ? So unless someone's actions mean 'change' real actions speak your truth … Time will tell… Good luck Confused Soul : )
Does your fiancé work with this guy ?
Were they friends before you ? If so How long have you both been a couple? Engaged 1yr. Or living together for ? Did you know about him ( this guy friend ) Did you talk to him at all ever? Do you both hang out within the same circle of friends/acquaintances? Did she tell him ( you know what happened ) So it's over for them ( no more anything ) as friends or via texts, emails, Facebook because in a loyal committed relationship don't cross the line ever like Do this …kiss? Did he only just start the calls ? Did they have contact going ( friends before ) you and she began living together as your fiancé? Your her future ( husband to be ) and her everything plus she's needing to work on mending the broken trust as You are more important etc. /& not to call anymore ! Plus… No more contact… Period ?! Just a few thoughts/questions ,
KeruSeptember 22nd, 2016 at 8:45 PM
Hi confused fiancé! I know how you feel I am pregnant & was engaged (but have since called off the engagement) & found out my partner cheated (emotionally & physically). He wanted to remain “friends” with the girl at the beginning because he felt “sorry” for her & refused to delete her off Facebook etc saying I can check his messages whenever I want. If he hadn’t had a change of heart & admitted how much of an idiot he was for thinking the way he was & then became willing to cut her off permanently I would’ve run for the hills. To keep someone in her life who has violated your relationship with her is complete
& utter disrespect & if she wanted to remain friends with this person she shouldn’t have made it difficult for herself by crossing
A boundary. She needs an ultimatum – it’s not fair on you for her to keep this guy as a friend. Let her go & find someone who will respect you & your feelings especially since she done you wrong & is the reason you feel the way you do!
USSeptember 23rd, 2016 at 5:54 AM
3 months ago I discovered that my husband was lying to me. We have been together for 15 years and married for 6. We have two daughters. I discovered he was texting some woman he works with. He went on a business trip with her and lied to me about the destination and told me he was alone. He has deleted all the texts he has written her. Some friend of mine has also seen him buy jewelry which was not for me. He has become distant, has lost weight and doesn’t seem to care about me. I am not 100% sure that he has an affair with the other woman, but the facts lead to that conclusion. After he went on another trip with her without informing me, I kicked him out of the house. At first he was nice and telling me how much she loved us, but after I exposed him to his parents he stopped talking to me and he doesn’t even call to ask about his daughters. What should I do?
CalliOctober 30th, 2016 at 3:41 PM
I don’t feel my 2 year old and I are in danger from my husband now. in fact my husband is a very good father, the problem was and is the interactions with others in society, One of th major interactions with his father started as early as 1972, He was on a split enlistment to finish high school, He went to basic and his first school that summer thinking he was going to be Sent to Veit Nam after his training finished the next year. Nixon however started the Draw down that November, When my husband returned, (This was what was pieced together over many court ordered counseling sessions), He went back to the football team and there was a disagreement about weather the sons of school board members or four seniors that felt they earned the positions as starters on the team. Or weather the school board had the right to get their sons placed as starter due to political position. As You know Army training does not really make room for men to come back to be considered second string, they are taught to come out ahead in all things. When The Coach told the four seniors including my husband the were suiting up as second string for a scrimmage the For other boys all sophmores, I guess walked past and told my husband and the three other seniors they guessed that pedigree carried weight over skill, and walked out laughing. I understand this duiid not sit at all well with my husband. He turned to the other three and said well lets get our second string jerseys on guys and since these poodles think pedigree is best lets show the what junk yard dogs are like. Those seniors set out to be as rough as possible and by the end of the practice the School board members sons quit. his father said one of the sohmores was so angry he took his helmet out and started trying to beat my husband until he swatted him across ten yards. His father and another school board member stormed out on the field yelling that men getting ready to graduate should show better sportsmanship than they had just witnessed.
He said to his son they new he was the ringleader and would be waiting when he got home. He Had used his army pay to by a car the last week, and drove home and was Climbing out when one of the men waiting caught him under his chin with a golf driver, He woke up next to the lake tied to a tree His father was demanding he say he was sorry, to avoid the worst of what was coming, My Husband tried kicking him and said drop dead, They started whipping him with extension cord. They Said say your sorry with each swing, Finally they got tired and was asking if he was even going to make a sound. My husband said they whipped him until his mind had the good sense to shut down. I guess they all ran leaving him tied there bleeding. when my husband finally recounted that night he said he just new he would wake up try getting his arms back they had gone to sleep. His father cut hin down the next morning handing him black cloths to change into and had him put his arm bands around his wrists where the ties had cut in They bought his car and his father said take it as a lesson in who his betters were. What role he had in the society, and then said do you have any thing to say. My husband said yes, never again would any one lay their hands on him without asking because he would make them wish they were dead.
He Came hom ein 1976 from the army and did not even contact his mother and father until a year home, He was In The Guard and worked in the local transmission plant For A big three company, He Was out of probation lived in an efficiency. When his father heard he was dating the daughter of a friend. there was one other incident in the army his mother had asked the army after he was gone six months where he was she had even gone to her congressman to find out and found he lived in a off base apartment outside fort Hood Texas she had been wanting to go down and visit with a 1st cosine with MS that was married to A command Sargent major there So She called the apartment number the congressman gave her t tell my husband they were coming down They wanted to see him. and she said the nicest voice on the other end answered and said she was her sons fiancé, that my now husband was on duty that night. She also asked if they were gouing to England for thewedding uin four months, His mother said it just about floored hr and told her that she wanted to meet her and set up a dinner meeting at A cantina, that was right off post. His Mother described her as a woman that walked in the room that drew every male eye In heels, a wrap skirt halter top and a flower in long black hair with honey colored skin. Shewas in my husbands unit, She was also half Hawaiian and half oriental. this was a direct slap to his father who was known to be a race purist. He broke the idea of a marriage that night She moved into the women’s barak’s that night and handed my husband his ring back saying how sorry she was for him to have the father he did. She change to a orient posting in South korea, And My husband put his things and car into storage, Flew out Of San Antonio for Suda Bay Crete two days later after the 1973 war. I have eight pictures of him during the next two years, Two at the palace of Knosos Crete One at Satorini and three that just look like hot and dry with the sea in the back ground. He wont say where it was taken. He Went back in 1976 joined the local guard and started in the plant. His father stopped any local girl from dating him using his connections in the KKK saying he was to dirty to be near a good white girl when he learned that the oild wembargos were having a bad effect on the economy he tried the Navy next and Left In march 1979 with a younger brother Both went submarines his brother to Commo and my husband to Strategic Weapons systems. That’s when I met him, The People he hung with were all dour secretive men that spoke a strange language everything acronyms and 1 and 0s, octal and hexadecimal/ Math was big. And I fell in love with this 6’4″tall quiet man.
When we got married was when his father started interfering, Telling a shore patrol chief where we were spending our wedding night, I saw him a half hour three years later when he said he was going back to the plant in six months.
Much to my husbands credit it was 16 more years of his fathers interference before my husband went berserk. He started taking everything he was denied after 31 years of marriage starting with me Everything now is no cooperation from my husband for any reason.I feel my part in this was shameful but did not see a way without causing the society trouble. Now Its trouble in spades.
SummerNovember 1st, 2016 at 9:16 PM
So my best friend has been going through this stuff for some time. And I am at a loss to tell her how to deal with it. And it’s exhausting. It’s all day long. My friend has been married for 29 years. She got pregnant 2 months into dating so he married her. They didn’t have the best marriage and they had agreed once the kids left the house they would divorce. Well the kids left and they stayed together. Just stayed busy working on projects. They are extremely Christian people and love totally for god. Her husband got a new job. About 8 months ago she noticed he was changing. That there was a disconnect between them. She would ask him and he would tell her that they didn’t have a connection anymore and that it had been gone for years. In the mean time he had become really close friends with a co worker. It was completely platonic. But it grew into much more. They grew to really love each other but never crossed the sexual line. He moved out into a rv for a week one time and stayed with this women. But his wife would send him bible versus at him and turned his children who are grown against him. His grand son had to even tell him goodbye that he was not part of the family anymore. So he went back after feeling guilt of the pain he was creating for his wife. A couple days later moved out again. This time the co worker told him to really try and make things work with his wife. So he took his wife on a vacation to Florida for a week. But he thought of nothing but the other women. He was definitely having a emotional affair. He was in love with her. He told his wife that didn’t have a connection with her. So they split up again for a few days. Then the wife threatened to take everything. Called all his friends his Paster his kids. His mother. Everyone. So eventually they decided it would be best if he quit his job and cut off all comminication with this other women. He let the other women know this. She supported and understood the desision and wanted him to do what he thought was right. Still no sex at this point. So during the last week of work he cried everyday because he was never going to see her again. He was in love with her and not his wife. His wife didn’t love him till there was someone else. She was extremely controlling to a point that she forced him to sit while peeing. Went through his phone. Didn’t care what he did for a living it only mattered that she didn’t have to work. So they where going to give 100% to try and make this marriage work with out having to see this women he loves everyday. He couldn’t try if he still saw her everyday. The last day of work his boss asked him to leave his stuff for a week to think about it. He was suppose to take his wife away for a couple days for her birthday. Well he left his stuff at work. She followed him and called him and asked him why he didn’t get his stuff. He told her what the boss said and she called the boss hr and everyone. And needless to say the other women was fired. So he went home that day and she told him that he would have to give her 110% if he wanted to be with her and try. And he said he couldn’t do that. He told her that he had feelings for this other women. That he loved her. But that he would cut off communication completely and really try and fix this loveless and sexless marriage. That had been this way for 29 years. She said no if you can’t give me 110% then you need to leave it’s over. Pack your stuff and leave. They agreed he could come back and get his rv and stuff later. So he left and called the other women. He told her he left and that he wasn’t going back. He was tired of living in a loveless marriage that had been dead for many years. That he just needed her to see the same thing. He said when I left I didn’t even cry. But every time I think of you and see you leave I cry. I have never felt so much love in my whole life from someone. Well he stayed the weekend with this women and they made love all weekend. His wife called and called the first night. Saying he couldn’t have any of his stuff it’s community property that a judge would decide what he could have. During the weekend he told this other women that he loved her and only her. And she was who he wanted to be with. So his wife on Sunday said he could come get his rv on Monday at 9. So they went and looked for a rv spot and tried to figure out where he would go. Monday morning after it was decided that he would never go back into a toxic relationship with her that was loveless he slept with this women one last time that morning. Packed up his stuff and went to get his rv. And said I’ll text you where I end up. It’s going to be ok. Well by 10. He sent a text saying it made over. He had to start living his life right and repent and start mending his family. His wife had told him she didn’t want to loose him and that she wanted 100% and if it didn’t work it didn’t work. Well the other women obviously devastated because he was suppose to be getting divorced and getting his rv called him. And he told her that he was running from God for to long. That he had to give it a final chance and it may not work. She would have to realize her let in this. He of course didn’t admit to the sex or staying with her that weeekend. But told her he would go get his stuff from work and cut off all communication from the other women. He said he wanted to try to make it work if it didn’t he wanted to come back to her divorced where he could not have guilt and be able to give 100% of himself to her. Which he has done. He has not poked to her. Got his work stuff and not spoken to the other women in a few days. So I know both of these women I don’t tell them what I know because I just. Can’t be in the middle of it. It sucks for all three involved. So my question what do I tell them. Will there marriage heal. Can she get passed his having a enotionsl affair. I don’t think he will admit to the sex. And what do I tell this other women who loves him but doesn’t want to cause any problems if they can fix it. She never wanted to be the other women. She kept telling him to go back and figure it out. But to figure it out. Does she wait on him. How long if so. Will he forget about her. And will the love go away. Will the wife forgive the affair and make the relationship normal again. I have no experience in this. Please help.
LoriDecember 9th, 2016 at 8:03 PM
Friend of mine is in a similar boat, except her husband has played his games in the past. When they first got married he thought he could still act single, since my friend is a good 10 years older than him, he still wanted to act like a party boy instead of a married man. Now here we go again 20 years later he was bothering or messing with two different women. One at work and one at church. He thinks life is but a game and everyone are his play things. He pathologically lies constantly, overspends her money to the point of utter ridiculousness, he has a nasty show boater narcissistic attitude and is extremely arrogant. He shows up late to all family functions, left on weekends supposedly to go practice in his band with his buddies and plays darts with his bar buds except he was seeing these other women. After being confronted he said he just needed a relief or release from the realities of life and what was the big damn deal everyone is doing it. What he doesn’t get is not everyone thinks like he does. Not everyone is doing that! CHEATING IS WRONG CHEATING IS EVIL why be married if you want to keep CHEATING? Give my friend a damn divorce so she can find a real man. Her self-esteem is shot to crap because of him. I can’t stand it!!!!! It hurts me so badly how he hurts her! I wish she would wake up and realize he will ALWAYS cross her boundaries and always be looking for younger, better, more hip, more fun, and he will NOT CHANGE. I’m sick of it! Fed up!
WhyDecember 28th, 2016 at 2:26 PM
Hi: I am sorry so for what some of you have to tolerate or had to tolerate. I need some sound advice. My friend’s partner is an extreme malignant narcissist. He never takes accountability for anything. He views women as here to “serve” from sun up until sun down. He has been in trouble 3x for cheating. Two other instances of sexual harassment and groping women. He lies about all of it. He blames women for coming onto him and dressing too “nice.” He also blames my good friend for being too consumed and caught up with the kids, work, and her aging parents, that he being the GOD that he is, deserves attention 99.9% of the time. He also has ruined her credit, filling out credit card applications without her permission and putting a lot of garbage in her name and then maxing them to the limit. He had her take multiple loans out for his TWO trucks, a boat, and his business. He thinks as long as he acts like KING SH*T and puts on a good LOOK AT ME SUCCESSFUL business show, he deserves to be treated with respect and get whatever whenever at the expense of whomever. She to me has 0 self-esteem and tolerates it as long as he stays being a father and good grandfather to all the kids. She turns the other cheek. But, it causes her to overdrink and smoke, a lot, and take a lot of antidepressants. He does NOT CARE 1 oz. who or what he destroys as long as he gets what he feels he deserves. He also has issues at work, church, local bars, and family functions acting right towards all women. Any suggestions? She loves him and stays for the kids also. TOTAL DYSFUNCTION and TOXIC garbage, I just don’t get why people tolerate so much? Is love worth all that? Or is more like desperation? Or lack of self-worth? I know she doesn’t want to have to start her life all over again in her mid 50’s!!! Thanks!
HurtingDecember 29th, 2016 at 3:08 AM
I think it is fear plus an acceptance that you think you must not be good enough to deserve better. I know in my case it was fear and things might be worse if I leave so it was easy to accept what I knew. But at some point (and it’s been years and not easy) I realized that I’m not the kind of person I want to be. I’m sad, depressed, bored, apathetic, and not living life. I want to not wake up. I want the pain to stop. I want to feel the sunshine. But I am trying to take little steps. A ballroom dance class which has regular classes and fun parties. I’m so looking forward to this. It is so hard to let the anger go. But I realized after I spent a miserable Christmas, he didn’t care as much as I did about how he hurt me. He said, he didn’t feel guilt after sleeping with her. And it still might be going on if I hadn’t found out. He said he didn’t love her yet his actions, words say different. So after 8 months, I am trying to move on….trying to let go, trying not to have him in my mind, thoughts and plans. I am trying to pick a place to go for vacation. I may never go but the planning is for me. I can live alone and manage. I can raise 2 kids by myself. I am trying to be positive. I’ll update this in a few months. Good luck to all of you. Know this, you are better, you deserve better. Don’t give someone else th e
StillfeelingaloneMarch 9th, 2017 at 10:56 PM
My husband’s affair was 3 years ago. He subscribed to those hookup sites, knowing he was going to cheat. He had been talking to her for months before I caught on; and when I confronted him he lied. He even took a phone call from her during our daughter’s graduation! He had to step out of the open house to talk to his mistress come to find out! I figured it all out while he was at work one day when trying to take care of our cell phone contract. I had my oldest daughter take my youngest out for ice cream that afternoon when he came home from work and we had it out! The kids had no clue what was going on as I didn’t want to distort their image of their Daddy. I had found out her name, address, social media info, everything…there was no denying it, but he sure tried! He lied over and over no matter what! I had been dealing with a lot of illness, but he had a porn addiction prior to for several years before I even became ill. I thought that I could work through this with him and I stayed. Last year the fighting got really bad and a friend offered me a place to stay out of state for a week while I looked for a house and went to a couple job interviews. (We had already started the legal separation proceedings at this point.) When I returned, he had of course bought flowers, was crying and begging for forgiveness. I was so confused. He promised that he would take me on dates, do more things for me, go to counseling, “do whatever it took”. It’s been over a year. Only time we go anywhere is when I suggest it. He only cooks on days when I He don’t take me to doctor’s appointments even! Not one visit to couples therapy. I feel like it was just a lie to get me to stay here and feel stuck. I care about him; as he is the father of my children and has been here to help me through a lot of stuff like when my cousin died and I lost my best friend, but I don’t feel I can trust him again in the way that I could before. I cannot work and my youngest has special needs and a lot of medical issues herself. Now he is saying that if we separated, he would make sure I had to stay in the state. I feel like I should have never came back.
AMOctober 25th, 2017 at 1:15 PM
I understand completely the pain and the anger she feels. I found out 10 months ago that my husband was having an affair with my cousin. As per my husband it was not an affair because they did not have sex. I found out when my husband asked me to help him change the password on his email account. I saw numerous messages from her telling him she loved him, wanted to be with him. He denied said he did not remember those messages. Denied anything was going on. He promised never to contact her again. He did for a few weeks and he lied and started texting her. I found out more information about their relationship from her daughter. She knew about our sex life, money issues, that i lost a few jobs and the exact date that my husband went to a lawyer to divorce me(he cancelled the divorce). When i brought this up his reply was the girl is lying she has mental problems, The girl knew way to much about our life. He will not talk about it. He denies that they had sex. And he continues to think that going out and texting my cousins for several years is not an affair. And he seems to not understand that he doubling betrayed me by sneaking around with my low life cousin. I am trying to move on because he is trying. But, I need him to man up and admit what he did was wrong and a ****ty thing to do to a wife of 34 years.
CBOctober 25th, 2017 at 6:07 PM
He’s lying… I’m sorry but they had sex. Period. My spouse is still lying about it…Year 6.
Jonathan B.March 13th, 2018 at 5:58 PM
When a woman loves you,she loves for real and its always quite obvious. with my partner it was love at first sight and everything was going well until she started acting up. Restraining her mobile from my reach which made me more suspicious.
A professional helped me find out the truth and i was totally perplexed. I found out that she was not over her ex and they still see each other whenever i travel for contract jobs overseas. Regardless of the fact that i pay the bills and if i loose my life today she dies rich. I’m happy to be living alone with my son far away from a cheat. Nobody deserves a liar as a partner.
ishikaApril 2nd, 2018 at 1:02 PM
So, me and my boyfriend are in a relationship since 3 years, for 1 year we were together after that i went for my higher studies and he mved to another country for his job. Initially we talked morning and night but later we stopped talking that much but i made sure we talk everyday . We last met in june 2017. I loved him a lot and trusted him blindly. He also loved me. Just 2 days back i got a message from a girl that he was cheating on me with her. She was living at his apartment since past 6 months. Before that he had sexual relationships with other girls also. So the girl told me all this , he was not willing to tell me anything when i confronted him. Also he used to call girls from Tinder and Wechat for sex. I never knew all this was going on. The girl told me everything 2 days back when she moved out of his apartment. He also took her to trips , marriages, to places like Bali etc. and lied to me that i m going with friends or on a solo trip. The girl also told me that he loves only you..he was just ****** up. I loved him a lot , he says sorry and that we didnt talk much thats why he did this and he had sexual needs. What should i do now? I am not able to forget this . He is asking fr forgiveness and says that he always loved me. Should i forgive me. What should i do. He had sexual relationship with multiple women there. Please suggest me.. i cant stop crying and its hard for me to believe that he did this to me.
The NoteApril 6th, 2018 at 1:28 PM
My ex convinced me to do my third year of medical school near him. I moved to another state (1500 miles away from family and friends) and one day later I found out he was pursuing his classmate behind my back. I found out the same day we were supposed to sign our lease together. He begged for me to take him back and I was so in love with him despite what he did that I took him back and we ended up signing a 3-month lease together. My hurt turned into anger and he began getting angry at me for not letting it go. Within one month of living together he moved out and blocked me from all forms of communication. To this day, I am in this new state away from friends and family and he still won’t communicate with me. I went to visit him around 2 months ago trying to fix things and he wouldn’t even let me hug him. He told me to go back to the East coast and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Complete coldness. An entirely new person that I didn’t recognize. It’s scary to think that I trusted him so much and he turned out to be so different after I found the note he had written to another female denying our relationship. It hurts but I’m slowly accepting everything. Each day gets easier. And I instantly got a therapist who has helped tremendously; I seriously thought I was going crazy; I even began acting crazy (drunk texting him the craziest things, exposing him through fake facebook pages, trying to communicate with him through a fake instagram, driving on the wrong side of the road….like ***), my self esteem, confidence, peace, and happiness was destroyed in the process. But I refuse to let this situation keep me down. What goes around comes around. I don’t wish him ill. I hope he has a change of heart one day and treats females better. I’m glad I moved on. I don’t have to worry about him being faithful and I’ve opened the door up to new possibilities of future love, better love, deserving love. When you have a good woman hold onto her because one day you will wake up and see her smiling in the arms of another person who knew her worth all along. Cheers to the single life and becoming a future doctor! Don’t let anyone dim your shine, especially cheaters!!!
adaMay 23rd, 2018 at 7:19 AM
My husband cheated on me by having an online emotional affair with an ex HS gf. When I found out, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, (1) I psychologically tortured my husband by threatening him that I will expose him to his religious org, his relatives, our close friends, our children, etc. and (2) I called up the woman and told her “my husband said he just made fun of you online, my husband said you are a psychotic woman with 2 children from 2 different men, my husband said… etc.” and I will expose you to your HS batchmates and will report you to your boss. The woman attempted suicide. My husband is now at my beck and call. Life is what you make it.
ElaineMay 25th, 2018 at 12:21 PM
My heart is still broken . It has been since April 2016. I have been trying to forgive. But I keep having these bouts of crying. We keep things cordial we laugh and play with the kids take them out like we’re a family. My heart is still so hurt and I can’t feel any sexual attraction towards him.
JenniferMay 25th, 2018 at 9:12 PM
Elaine, please know you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. It has been 4 years since I was cheated on by my boyfriend (I of course refuse to marry him) I’m still with and I still get mad about it but luckily not as much. It’s always lurking deep within me and I have sudden thoughts pop up about it on occasion but again, luckily not as much. Time will help you to calm down and be more at ease, whether it be with him or on your own. If you are to stay with him he needs to do every single thing it takes to prove he is sorry and to help you understand why…and be 100% transparent. You know and I know that everyone handles things differently. I don’t handle this well at all and you hopefully can handle it better than me. If you are anything like me, it will be a very long time, maybe forever, before/if you can put this in the past and move forward while staying with him. Like I said though I fully understand your pain. I hope so much that you are ok and are able to move forward soon…hang in there sister!
adaJune 2nd, 2018 at 8:21 PM
Elaine – I think you need to tell your husband of your emotional status (am assuming you are still together and live in the same house). He needs to know. Why suffer alone? You need to make him understand what you are going though, if you both are really into saving or improving your marriage. I always tell my husband my anxities. We also read and discuss together online reflections about marital infidelities, how some spouses take forever to forget the betrayal, etc. Take care.
poojaSeptember 3rd, 2018 at 7:57 AM
Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with him. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But as my son was getting confused with this arrangement, I stopped him from seeing his son on weekends too. I hoped that he would miss us and moved back to us and set up a home but he didnt. He begged me to come and stay with his parents home. One day I threatened him to give divorce and he came to me running to my home and stayed for 1.6 years. But later his dad expired so left to his parents home again to be with his mom. He started again to beg me to return home but I never did as he was living on his mom’s money and earned little and wasted all money he earned and never spent on me or my kid. But he still wanted me to stay and would daily beg me. I trusted that he loves me but unable to set up a home because he was incapable of earning money. I have not met him for the past 2 years though we talk on whats app and update about son. But I wont let him meet my son because my son is getting confused with a weeked dad.
Suddenly last month, I came to know that my husband was in a full-fledged affair for the past 6 years – even while he was begging me to come and live with him! WOW! When I confronted him through messages and calls. He denied it first and then bluffed that it was phone sex and then said it was just one year old affair. But from what I read and pics I saw, it was a very long and deep affair and he said they broke up months ago. I dont believe any of these stories and as I dont stay with him anyway, I have no chance to spy on him remotely. Im totally shocked that he cheated on me while begging me to come back to him. While I was waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me, he was busy doing all these. I asked for a divorce but he flatly denied giving one and begged for forgiveness. But I dont know how we can try to reconcile when we both dont even live together?
Its impossible for me to leave my old parents and go and stay with him in his house with him and his mom that too after leaving his home for 7 years and after this affair.
My parents and family are very angry with the affair and wanted to disclose this to his mom but she is too old to bear this at this age.
He is not even ready to completely come clean with the affair or attend counselling. Im sure in counselling they would ask us to stay together but we cant as he cant leave is very old ailing mom alone and stay with me and I cant leave my own parents and live with him.
He still not ready to divorce me because of social reputation.
What should I do?
The GoodTherapy.org TeamSeptember 3rd, 2018 at 9:40 AM
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AliciaOctober 21st, 2018 at 2:17 AM
Anger is the appropriate response to injustice. It’s not just your husband’s betrayal that makes you angry, it’s the fact that he is not taking responsibility for what he has done.
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