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The Impact of Childhood Abuse on Women’s Adult Relationships

 

Children who have been victims of maltreatment can develop emotion regulation problems that affect many areas of their lives. Some survivors of abuse can experience symptoms of posttraumatic stress, anxiety, and depression throughout life. Coping and relational skills learned in childhood form the foundation from which future behaviors evolve. It has been hypothesized that women who survived maltreatment, in the form of physical or sexual abuse or neglect, will have sexual challenges in adult relationships. To test this theory, Alessandra H. Rellini of the Department of Psychology at the University of Vermont conducted a study involving 192 women ranging in age from 18 to 25.

The study focused on how emotional regulation, childhood maltreatment, sexual expression, sexual satisfaction, and relationship intimacy were associated in the context of committed adult relationships. The women in the study completed online surveys describing the type of abuse they experienced and their level of intimacy, affectionate expression, and sexual satisfaction in their current relationships. Rellini found that the more severe the childhood abuse was that the women experienced, the more unsatisfied they were in their adult relationships. This was true with respect to general and sexual relationship satisfaction. The severity of abuse also directly predicted the severity of emotional regulation impairment, which could be indirectly influential of satisfaction.

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In contrast to Rellini’s predictions, however, the findings did not demonstrate any association between emotional regulation impairment and intimacy or emotional expression. This was rather surprising, as previous research has suggested that abuse survivors tend to have challenges sustaining emotionally healthy sexual relationships. One factor that may have contributed to these results is the broad categorization of abuse used in this study. Specifically, this study did not examine sexual abuse separately from emotional or physical abuse to determine each type of abuse’s independent effect on emotional regulation. Despite this limitation, Rellini believes her findings provide evidence of unique correlations between childhood maltreatment and adult relationships for women, but more work needs to be done. “Research is now needed to explore the stability of such findings over time in order to determine the time course and sequencing of change between the studied variables,” she said.

Reference:
Rellini, Alessandra H., Anka A. Vujanovic, Myani Gilbert, and Michael J. Svolensky. Childhood maltreatment and difficulties in emotion regulation: Associations with sexual and relationship satisfaction among young adult women. Journal of Sex Research 49.5 (2012): 434-42. Print.

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Comments
  • belinda September 25th, 2012 at 3:17 PM #1

    It is kind of hard to believe this new research given that for so long we have all been told how much damage this does to us in our later years. I have always attributed my inability to remain in a loving and committed relationship due to the fears that I have because of the abuse that I suffered. Have I been wrong all this time? Have I been using this as my crutch, my excuse for not wanting to get close to anyone, without this really being the problem at all?

  • Heidi September 25th, 2012 at 4:16 PM #2

    A child’s mind is like soft clay.Any touch will have an effect on it and if an unwanted touch is not rectified,the unintended shape remains.Various studies have now shown negative experiences and abuse during one’s childhood definitely affect the person in various aspects later on.

    And Belinda,crutch or not,your aim should be to try and get out of the rut,to try and work towards a meaningful relationship.Don’t be afraid,you can overcome your fears.You could seek help of a professional if needed.

  • Miss Louise September 25th, 2012 at 4:20 PM #3

    Very interesting. :)!!

  • Gerrard September 25th, 2012 at 11:49 PM #4

    Although childhood abuse and especially sexual abuse can dent someone’s relationships in their adult lives,it can be especially hard for women because they tend to relate sexual relations with feelings and emotions more than men and an experience such as this could scare them away from having even healthy sexual relations later on in their lives.

  • Brian hollister September 26th, 2012 at 3:43 AM #5

    Believe me, if you were abused as a child, then no matter how strong and resilient you are this is going to have an effect on you and your adult relationships.
    When you are a child and place so much trust in the adults in your life, then their actions will play very heavily into how you process life and the way theat you subsequently handle your own relationships as you grow into an adult.
    To excuse their behavior against you if it was abusive and to conclude that you are free from it is so wrong. Their actions have consequences and unfortunately most of this will come out against you.

  • delayna September 26th, 2012 at 7:04 AM #6

    I do not understand how anyone could hurt a child in this way, especially given what we now know about the impact that abuse consistently has on their adult lives. Shame on those who say that they are just “punishing” the child. This inflicts far more lasting harm that simple punishment ever could or should.

  • Reyna September 26th, 2012 at 2:26 PM #7

    “the more severe the childhood abuse was that the women experienced, the more unsatisfied they were in their adult relationships.”

    Not to undermine those that have experienced less severe abuse,but I believe it is so very necessary to have very severely affected individuals treated differently than the former group.That is because I think the needs of the two groups would be different.Like the former group would have some trouble in relationships but would be able to manage with a little bit of help but the latter group would need more focused help and treatment.

  • Charles A. Francis September 26th, 2012 at 2:34 PM #8

    I agree that childhood emotional abuse can impact our relationships in adulthood. Those who are abused as children often treat their children the same way, because they grow up learning that kind of behavior is normal—and so the cycle continues. So the question now becomes: What can we do about it?

    Mary Sovran recently wrote an article for us, “Healing Childhood Emotional Abuse with Mindfulness Meditation.” As the title suggests, it incorporates mindfulness meditation to help the healing process.

    She also describes an exercise called writing meditation, which she says dramatically changes the way we feel toward our abusers. She said that mindfulness meditation and the writing meditation enabled her to overcome the wounds from her childhood, and have more fulfilling relationships.

    Charles A. Francis
    The Mindfulness Meditation Institute

  • Helen September 26th, 2012 at 2:45 PM #9

    I propose that you would find that if this research had been split and you looked solely at the implications that arose from sexual abuse you would see that there are a lot of serious issues that come from withstanding this type of abuse. I find that many women I work with who have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a mate or a parent or really anyone, they have been scarred for life by this kind of mistreatment. Please don’t take this that they have faced too lightly, or else it could make them feel even worse. Already many of these women think that it is their fault that this happened to them- they don’t need any more negativity than that which they have already experienced.

  • Jasper September 26th, 2012 at 11:57 PM #10

    I’d love to see some stats and numbers on how the relationships are affected for those who received immediate attention and care compared to those who did not.I am certain the former would be better at their relationships and such results will show people just why seeking help and at an early stage is just so important!

  • Leighton September 27th, 2012 at 4:08 AM #11

    I don’t see any way possible that you could determine that there are some ways that childhood abuse does not impact fture relationships and emotional capabilities. I was abused, and over the course of a few years have met many others who have experienced the same things that I have.

    All of us can name numerous ways in which our lives have been damaged by the abuse that we were the victims of at a young age. It was positively stunting for many of us, something that no amount of counseling could ever help us to get past.

    I think that to imply that there are people who have no issues with this at all is being fairly irresponsible and non-understanding of those of us who still suffer as past victims.

  • olaf September 27th, 2012 at 5:47 AM #12

    the only positive I see here is that if someone shows up at the doctor’s office with issues such as these then talking about the abuse in the past could help the diagnosis and an effective treatment method.

  • laura watson September 27th, 2012 at 3:51 PM #13

    Women and men both who have been abused in their childhoods are typically going to either seek out others on whom they can rely or they will do the opposite and push everyone away. So I really think that this could go both ways. I hope that there are many abuse survivors who have sought help for moving past all of that pain that was laid upon them at such an early age. That is an awful lot for anyone to have to manage. It becomes especially difficult when you want to get close to someone in your life but are having a hard time breaking through all of that pain that you experienced before. I sincerely hope that articles like this will give more of us hope that recovery does not have to seem so unattainable, that it has become a reality for many survivors of abuse and it is possible to get through that journey healthy and whole.

  • LeslieAnne September 28th, 2012 at 2:14 PM #14

    How about looking at an older group of women next time? The 18-25s might still be able to shake some things off, but the older women have been carrying this around with them for a lomg time, and well, they could have been haunted by this for all this time.

  • Miss T September 29th, 2012 at 12:14 PM #15

    I was abused by men in my life, and it affected me throughout my entire life. I’m in my 30s now, happily married, but its so hard to trust men. What happened to me made me wanna guard myself and I do. Maybe too much?

  • Wrick October 6th, 2012 at 6:42 AM #16

    Hi,
    I am dating a girl for over 2 years. We argue and fight over many things just like many other couple. I have realized she loses temper much often than necessary. She calms down after sometime. Becaosue of this temper it has been difficult in her professional life. So many times she has tried to break away from relationship. I have persuaded her to stay with me. I know that she needs loving company all the time around. At this point I also think she should also visit some kind of therapy just so that she knows herself more, just so that she is self aware. If anyone has similar experience or know someone who had neglected childhood , foster parents and childhood abuse and have got help through therapy please ping me. I am interested in trying to find the right therapist for her. I just don’t know where to do this search.

  • sw October 8th, 2012 at 9:18 PM #17

    I have been reading all of your posts. I have to add to this, I have lived through abuse as a child, due to an alcoholic father. I have seen and heard things that no one, at any age, should go through. After the alcohol stopped, it was just…an anger…I, to this day, cannot trust anyone. None of my relationships have ever been…open. I have hidden sooo much inside, its too painful to relive, or even to tell my whole story to anyone, once you tell someone your fears, they can show it to you at any time. I feel like I am alone in this, anxiety all the time, panic attacks, social awkwardness, don’t have or even want close friends. I once brought home a letter from a friend from school,when my parents found it, I had the crap beat outta me. I wasnt allowed to share my feelings, when I looked upset or worried they assumed I was on drugs. I was sheltered my whole childhood, never had a date till I was 20, never got to go to prom, or homecoming, never been to a game or a concert, I m now 37, and traveling more than 30 miles from my home puts me in a panic. I need a rock, some sort of stability, a safe place, will I ever find it??????

  • Brooke October 10th, 2012 at 2:15 AM #18

    Exactly Brian. Childhood abuse in all its forms, is minimized these days due due to the lack of funding and knowledge of the true effect it has on a child’s development. The difficulty of educating parents to what is considered child abuse and what is not is not to simple as others think. Parents sometimes don’t ‘plan’ to hurt their child but consciously do. That’s is still considered child abuse. Arguably, it is an social problem that effects every single person.

    Google Harville Hendrix as he has some very interesting books on why we need to overcome our childhood issues to find true happiness.

    There are also many blogs out there where you can follow people blogging about living with childhood abuse.

  • Brooke October 10th, 2012 at 3:49 PM #19

    Wrick, I’m sad to hear about you’re girlfriends although you’re story sounds nostalgically familiar.

    I have been abused as a child and months ago was in relationship with a guy who pretty much gave me an ultamatm. If need to go see a psychoologist (myself or with him) promptly or the relationship is over. I didnt end up seeing one, until we broke up. The day after!

    People need to understand therapy isn’t a socially accepted term, yet. It is a sensitive topic that needs to be treated with the most utter respect. Some people are very defensive and even get angry when you suggest that they may need therapy. Knowing how to approach a person with this topic is essential to be effective in getting your loved one to seek help.

    Wrick, from personal experience, it is somewhat difficult getting someone to seek help if they don’t realise or want to admit they have a problem. I never sought help as my ex-partner harassed me about it because I didn’t think there was anything wrong wit me. I was also ashamed of seeking help, and honestly only did it the day after we broke up to try and win him back. (Although I’ve stuck wit it and been seeing a therapist for the last 10 months)

    If after carefully approaching the topic with her, with utter most sensitivity, (you can also use that YOU would find it beneficial if she went with you to therapy, as people would rather do things to help others than themselves), she refuses you can borrow/buy books for her to read, to improver her knowledge and self-awarness. This has actually helped me more than therapy. Although it was my therapist who lent me one of Harville Hendrix’s books, and I bought it off her and bough other books off eBay after.

    I recommend the above mentioned books as a starting point in your relationship. There are alot of other books out there. See which one you like and find useful.

    All the very best.

  • Wrick October 15th, 2012 at 3:29 PM #20

    Hi Brooke,

    Thanks for the note and the book offers. I am researching these books.

    In summary she has been physically abused and one time perhaps sexually approached by her step father.

    If I say that I think it would be beneficial if she goes to therapists I am sure she would think that I somehow think she is not complete person and trying to find fault at her. She is extremely sensitive at this. Any small hint at her that she might be wrong will completely flare her up. This has reached such a stage that I would simply prefer to keep quiet and not talk at all. And this will keep on getting worse. And I would opt for ways out.
    And to be honest she would be right many times or most of the times but the way she would react to any suggestion she might wrong is with lot of animosity ( to say it politely)
    After sometime I would feel bad and then again talk to her and the cycle would repeat. This won’t take the relationship anywhere and frankly speaking I am more worried about her.

    Can some more people come out and discussed how did they overcome their issues ( of course anonymously).
    I am curious to know about the following items:
    1. How was your relationship with friends. Were you successful in having/retaining many friends? Did you have to lie to your friends.
    2. How did it affect your relationship? Did your boy friend or husband had to do anything special or more understanding. If you give some specific examples
    3. Did you go to therapists at all and if yes what point of time you went.
    4. What kind of therapists did you go? Is there any kind of specialized therapist? How do we find the one who is right for you.
    I hoping more people will respond or point me to right discussion forum.

  • Pat October 17th, 2012 at 8:11 AM #21

    SW, your story breaks my heart and sounds so familiar to me. Sadly, I have no answers for you (or for myself) that will help us get over our trust issues and move forward. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way, you sound like you have phenomenal courage, and wherever you are, I’m sending you a huge hug. I’ll remember you in my prayers.

  • Vee October 29th, 2012 at 6:54 PM #22

    In 2006, my ex-wife withheld my daughters passport in prevented me from taking here to the United States. An individual that lacked any since for child caring what so ever; after a Midwifrey at John R. Radcliffe fell to get you’re the nurse her own child. From the time I left England; my daughter live in filthy home ex-wife parents; domestic violence against myself the father and child, child not receiving immunization shot-overdue twice, hair just destroyed, corn and calluses on her feet, beetings, drugs around her etc…I have the Hague Convention violation, domestic assault, attempted kidnapping, child endangerment, lying under oath, not paying child support and stealing government property. Let not go into this gender crap. It is time to put things back in order; no mother or father has the right to remove neither parent from the child life. Judges have given our children to women based action of women like my grandmother. They took care of children and didn’t abuse them. It wasn’t about themselves and money which women uses children today. Note; like my grandmother and not my mother. My father raised me, like most men has for decades. Let’s not forget those fathers which raised your bastard children you had while sleeping around. It you whom used the continuous cry, “fathers not wanting to be a part or raising their children” are nothing but propaganda. Propaganda used to promote both civil rights violations and equal rights under the law in the right to ones child. Children in America are in trouble from being killed by mothers, their boyfriends, other children and the Judicial System. No one in America especially women should be proud of the problems our children faces today. Eventually, men will make a stand and put an end to it all; in order to save our children. Get off you high horses, Women have not done the job; “Little Girls are trying to be Little Boys” and “Little Boys are trying to be Little Girls.” This is what happens when you remove that male figure from the life of a child. American spend more time trying to make themselves look good to the World but if the World only knew how we look behind closed doors. People around the World looked up and toward America as a country to believe in and a place to go and get way from oppression. We live in an oppressed nation; we do it to ourselves and repeat it to our children. Support what is right for the children only and not for gender discrimination. This action needs to be put in place immediately in order to save our children from total destruction.

  • Michelle Carter-Douglass November 27th, 2012 at 10:12 PM #23

    Tonight my heart beats for all in this world.
    My heart beats for you tonight.
    I am praying for those in pain this night.
    I am praying for those that have been told lies.

    Reader, Friend and those of the world, The Lord hears your cries.
    Sigh . . .

    I know what it means to love and to hate.
    I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
    If I could shelter you,
    I would do it with pure love.

    To anyone that has been hurt,
    Physically,
    Mentally,
    And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.

    Father God,
    The tears from my soul begin to flow.
    In this poem, I can heal my soul.

    King Paper,
    On this table have laid you down.

    Father God,
    The tears from my soul oh how they flow.
    In this poem, I can heal my soul.

    Queen Paper,
    In my hand I hold you close.

    I know what it means to love and to hate.
    I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
    If I could shelter you,
    I would do it with pure love.

    To anyone that has been hurt,
    Physically,
    Mentally,
    And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.

    A story in my class,
    I so empathize.
    To all the good mothers . . .
    I give this shout!
    Hold your babies close tonight.
    Know I am doing the same.

    A movie from my class,
    I so empathize.
    To all the great fathers . . .
    I give this round of applause!
    Hold your babies close tonight.
    Know I am doing the same.

    I know what it means to love and to hate.
    I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
    If I could shelter you,
    I would do it with pure love.

    To anyone that has been hurt,
    Physically,
    Mentally,
    And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.

    King Paper, Queen Pen and my Almighty God,
    Let it flow,
    Let it flow,
    Let it flow.
    Shelter all that are hungry, hurt and cold.
    Heal the hearts of those in anger and in lust.

    My eyes now come to a close.
    Pause.
    In Jesus Christ’s name Amen!!!

    I know what it means to love and to hate.
    I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
    If I could shelter you,
    I would do it with pure love.

    To anyone that has been hurt,
    Physically,
    Mentally,
    And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.

    Father God, in our Lord and Savior’s Name,
    Jesus Christ builds them up!!!
    Amen

  • vicanne December 1st, 2012 at 5:52 PM #24

    SW, I’m just realizing that my sabotaging of my relationships is not simply bc i am messed up, but bc of a lot of physical and emotional abuse that I witnessed and experienced as a child and teen. I am now in a wonderful relationship with someone who recognizes that I have an issue (beyond my knowledge even) and has encouraged me to seek help. He loves and supports me and because of him I will finally, at 30 years old, address whatever issues I have been afraid to acknowledge. If I found this person, so will you. We have to take responsibility for our mistakes, but all need to understand that there may be things beyond us at work. You will find the person you love, and who loves you, and who understands that what you experienced as a child is not you fault. Pls contact me if anything. You deserve the love you want.

  • Ayo December 10th, 2012 at 11:43 PM #25

    To SW, try god, u may find the answer there.

  • CP July 5th, 2013 at 6:50 AM #26

    I thought I was strong all these years and now I find out that I am BPD because of the abuse in my life. When I was 7 years old my dad locked me in a trailer and set it on fire. At 30 I am getting nightmares … Mine was an extreme but lot’s of people go through worse and don’t come out with this disorder. It’s very difficult to have to endure a positive life after wards.

  • css October 11th, 2013 at 2:42 PM #27

    I am currently heartbroken at age fifty my partner is at breaking point he is disabled and says he can’t take any more “trauma stories” he has even said he has begun to hate me due to what has happened to me- I represent misery to him. This all compounded by my making bad choices through my physical mental emotional and (minor sexual abuse too, I felt terrible because I could not prevent my sisters abuse by an old man) neglect dreadful abuse by my druggy alcohol fueled mother, numerous boyfriends and then bombshell – my daughters (one my stepdaughter) were both abused and I found out during my relationship with my partner that my birth daughter had been too and kept it to herself for 9 years… age 8/9 by my brothers best friend- plus raped at the funfair age 14 on her first “grownup” outing with her female friends 600 yards from our home. My anxiety and lack of motivation and ambition has made him feel like he is going crazy… I think I may not be able to save this relationship and I so desperately want to, I am a talented artist and singer and so many other things too but I just find it so hard he has started saying very mean things- I also had glandular fever last year too but he has done so much for my family but now says he cant deal with “your lot” my sister had a double mastectomy, his Mother an amazing woman (from an alcoholic family) died of cancer 5 years ago.. I am in therapy and the therapist thinks he is being very mean to me.. I can see both sides, and why with nerve damage he is finding it dreadful…wow I so feel like finding my daughters abusers and getting revenge but I know that would do no good. great ruining another relationship thanks abusers, thanks Mum!

  • Debra January 2nd, 2014 at 9:28 PM #28

    There is no amount of therapy that can heal what so many of us have been through. I’ve spent years in therapy. It’s done nothing to help me heal and be able to form a true connection with someone. You can’t tell someone everything you’ve been through and even expect them to stay around. In fact I’ve found the only ones who stay are the other sick people who in the end use and abuse you also. They throw back all that you’ve told them back in your face and use it against you. I’m almost 48 years old and still wake up screaming and fighting in my sleep. The abuser left but the abuse in my mind goes on and on and on. I CAN’T ESCAPE the night terrors where I relive my past. It’s a cancer that has been eating away at me since the day I left my parents house at 18. Child abuse is an incureable cancer you give to a child. It eats away at your mind your soul your heart. No one but us(the abused) will ever really understand the everlasting effects. No one! I thought at 18 when I left my parents home that I would be free. But there is NO FREEDOM. I can’t escape the jail they put me in. It just never goes away. I’m stuck. I will stay stuck until I draw my last breath on this earth.

  • Debra January 3rd, 2014 at 9:25 AM #29

    No Belinda, it’s not a crutch. Whatever abuse you went through can cripple you and all your future relationships. Most of us try very hard to move forward and desire greatly a partnership with someone who will actually love us. But too often the demons of our past hold us back from getting what we most desire. I’ve read books and stories about people who have been able to heal and move forward so I suppose it’s possible. But it’s my belief that the damage so many of us suffered started at such a young age and was long-lasting and severe, that the emotional bonds that we were supposed to form never did and it changes us forever. The early years of a child’s life are where we learn to trust and we learn that we are protected. Sadly for most of us here, the people who we were supposed to be protected by and be able to trust were our abusers. So it’s not a crutch. We all have had to find ways of coping without the tools we so desperately needed. When we don’t have those coping tools, we reach for something, anything, to hold us up and keep going on. Sadly the things we try don’t work and so we try to live life by numbing out the memories through drugs or alcohol or inappropriate sexual behavior. There are no easy answers for us. I wish you all the best, and hope you find some peace at some point in your life.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support January 3rd, 2014 at 12:15 PM #30

    Thank you for your comment, Debra. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mignon January 11th, 2014 at 4:05 AM #31

    Hey Debra, I get what your saying.

  • Nicola February 1st, 2014 at 7:31 AM #32

    I am 40 and was molested by my father between the ages of 12 and 14. I tried to tell my mother after the first time it happened but she believed him then he punished me for lieing by taking a belt to my bare backside 24 times and then he continued molesting and belting me for 2 years until i told my mum again and she believed me. I havent seen him since. I have never had a good relationship. I have a teenage son and was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with his father. Since then i haven’t had a serious relationship although i would love a partner i bail out after 2 dates at the most. I had counselling in my mid thirties and i think it did help as i no longer dwell on the abuse and i have slightly more confidence i am just incapable of a relationship although i crave one!

  • Karen February 6th, 2014 at 6:44 AM #33

    I can totally relate to you Debra. My father was abusing me and my sister(half sister from my mother’s side) from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I was in foster homes until I was 6 and then he returned to take me to meet my new mother, it was just him and I on the trip from Oregon to Texas and that first night in the hotel room he started with the abuse again and it continued until I was 12 years old. Then to top it off my stepmother would beat me, she would hit me wherever she could grabbing my wrist and digging her nails into them, I still have scars to this day and I’m in my 50’s. My half sister (this one from my stepmother) was never abused (or so she claims) but we were often locked up in our rooms and one time it was up to a year, only allowed out to go to school. We never said anything to anyone because we were ashamed and thought it was our fault. As an adult though I soon learned to never tell anyone about what happened, I made the mistake of telling my first husband and he never was the same towards me and we divorced a few years later, I’ve never been able to have a good relationship with men and I’m single right now and I don’t date or go out. I stay at home and keep to myself. My abuser died this last November and I feel nothing for him and yet people in my life say things like “well he was human and it is kind of sad”, they think I should feel sad that he died and that I should show him more respect? I can’t do that. I could write a huge book of all the abuses I went through, just not enough room here to do that but this is just a little bit of it. I want you to know there are a lot of us out there and it’s true that only someone who has gone through the same thing can understand.

  • Stephen February 9th, 2014 at 6:39 AM #34

    Debra

    Your story is very sad and i feel for you being a husband whos wife was abused as a child. As a husband my wife fails to open up to her truama and seek help and in the end her pain is reflected back to me and my children. For someone like me who has experienced it in my relationship we do want to help. I dont beleive your comments that the ones who stick around are the sick people that abuse you infact they are the ones that truely love you. You need to understand also how difficult it is to live with someone you love who lives daily with this past truama. The depression, anxiety, abuse and rage that have also impacted my children.
    As a husband i dont have solution but to continue to love and support my wife however there will come a time that i will need to protect myself and my family.

  • Stephen February 9th, 2014 at 6:48 AM #35

    Debra

    Also you can openely tell someone what you have been through especially in a married relationship afterall they love you and want to help! Its your insecurity that tells you they will throw it back in your face. Weare all humanbeings with empathy and understand it is difficult fo you but is it worth losing they people that really love you and care. Dont bring this to your death bed embrace it and seek help and allow loved ones to help.

  • Sheltzy February 23rd, 2014 at 2:14 PM #36

    Reading all of your comments makes me wonder if any of you have any thoughts about how raising children has affected you. I was raised by two parents who were from abusive childhoods. Dad was psychologically tormented by a drunk and physically abused. Mom was sexually, verbally, physically abused. No one ever owned up to it but the family fights were rampant all growing up. The first generation of cousins were around back then, we remember it. Most of the after effects were coming from my mom’s side of the family. My dad’s side just continued the manipulation, so we just stayed away, made up, stayed away, made up. That pattern also happened a lot on my mom’s side but the fighting was what I remember the most. My mom was in therapy for most of my life. I was raised while she was on it. She suffered physically from the tremendous amount of stress with headaches and panic attacks. I was in rounds of therapy and in school counseling. My brother and two of my cousins were also abused sexually by one of my uncles. I was never touched. I was saved. That was my mom’s plan. I look back now and never blamed her and look at her as incredibly strong! She can’t find it in herself to see that strength. She married a man who holds her past as a way to control her. He has a very controlling nature and uses his Will to control the family much like his dad did in his later years. But I realize my dad is a victim of his childhood, too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise kids, not trusting yourself after what was done to you and praying to God that they turn out ok. God bless all of you! Sincerely!

  • Brandi February 25th, 2014 at 6:40 PM #37

    I have been going through mental & physical abuse as long as I can remember. I’m 21 years old, and I live with my dad right now, and he’s the one that’s doing this. I don’t think that I could ever leave him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve just lost hope.

  • Stephen February 28th, 2014 at 12:36 AM #38

    Shetzy

    The key in a realtionship where you are supporting a survivor is openeness not denial of the past childhood abuse. I was unfortunate my partner told me after we had children and then just shut it down. I wanted to help so much but she would never open up or work through therapy. Instead when her truama triggered later in life she mainfested me as her abuser and in end we all became the victims of her truama.

    Brandi i have just read your comments and my advise is to leave gain support through friends, family or services in your area. You need to get out get help and heal there is no shame and always remember it is not YOUR FAULT.

  • Liz S April 2nd, 2014 at 7:26 PM #39

    I’m 30 now. My dad abused me since i was at least 6 years old. He passed away when I was 24. I’m in therapy now and am so happy he’s dead. He always tried controlling me even after I moved onto other things with my life. My mom was controlled by him as well even after the divorce… which took place when I was between 5 and 8.
    My mom allowed me to be sexually assaulted by a man 35 or so Years older than me.
    Until therapy, I never could objectively see how my life was. Brain spotting or EMDR has been a great tool and I recommend it to anyone.
    Anyways I’m writing today to say after years of abuse by parents, the many rapes I had been thru, the violence, etc. Things can change but you gotta be strong.
    Somehow I’ve met a wonderful loving man who is kind and open enough to help me thru this. I only wish others can believe things can change for them. I never thought this sort of thing existed, but so happy I found it.
    Much love and light to you all..

  • fred April 3rd, 2014 at 11:31 AM #40

    I’ve just read these and it breaks my heart. I suffered abuse until I left home at 18. I married a woman that had been raped as a 7yr old girl. She had sex with over 20 men before I met her. She refused to believe that the rape actually happened. After 28yrs of marriage. She started cheating with other men. She blamed me for everything that was wrong with her. She labeled me as her abuser. Before I read this page. I hated her and what she has done. Now, I pray that she gets the help she needs to confront her problems. And I still love her.

  • Dee April 10th, 2014 at 11:36 PM #41

    Reading your post caused me so much pain. I’m crying because your story was my story. I’m married now and I don’t know how to explain to people what it was like growing up with the psychosis you witness with growing up with alcoholics. The mind games were the worst. Being blamed for things that weren’t my fault. It was torture. I can honestly say I went threw more pin than a haulocast victim. There were so many days I wish I died. If haulocast victims were given such beautiful way out why not me? Tomorrow I must start my perfect life all over again. I’ve got a great husband and beautiful child yet there my mightmarish memories than I carry with me like my second skin. I would do anything to have these memories erased. Anything.

  • Amy April 11th, 2014 at 6:34 AM #42

    The thing is… I come from abuse…its hard to tell someone. Hard to tell your lover or partner. Many people don’t want to deal with it, and will leave you. Its vulnerable to open up like that because the sad reality is most people will just look at you and your wounds and be disgusted and walk away which adds more damage.

  • Amy April 11th, 2014 at 6:44 AM #43

    I hear ya girl.I hear you.

  • Amy April 11th, 2014 at 7:25 AM #44

    My father was my abuser. Many people ask me why don’t you get along with your dad? Oh just try hrs your father…they think im holding some petty grudge or im being immature. Until I was 30 I felt obligated to have ties with him. I realized these people don’t have a clue. My 6 year old at the time, and his dad thought I was being mean and didn’t know why I didn’t. Like Grampa. that was until that was until he came to visit unaccounted or invited and he had a complete episode. , getting physically violent with us in public. When it was over my 6 year old put his arm around me and said “I understand now what it was like growing up with your dad” he has never ever asked about my dad again. He stopped calling him grandpa and calls him by his first name. Wants nothing to do with him
    my son’s father has not ever once said anything either, and no longer sees me as holding a grudge but rather protecting us from an unhealthy man. When people start in with the guilt trips they place on me that are really about their family issues and say “was it really that bad?” “Why dont you forgive and talk to your dad”? I tell them a little reality. Well would you forgive a man that knocked your tooth out by slamming you into a bed post or tossed you down a flight of stairs? How about one that hit you upside the head constantly…pulled your hair out,…or touched you in your sleep. Where you learned how to get dressed with not getting naked or wore a bathing suite in the shower as the only defense to a man who was mentally ill sick and twisted and demanded he watch you change??? They shut up pretty quick and that’s the end of it. Im thankful that this abuse happened between 7-14 then the state took custody away. Before I was with healthy grandparents. I know that what I went through wasn’t nearly as bad as what others endured. Its painful and hard to deal with…be strong. Its okay to not care, or feel anything toward your abuser. .you dont owe them anything ever. No matter what.

  • Dawn W. April 26th, 2014 at 8:01 AM #45

    My abuse as had a terrible affect on my current relationship. It makes me feel dirty to have any type of contact with him that I didn’t initiate and then it makes me feel unwanted that he doesn’t initiate contact.It makes me feel even worse to finally have some interaction with him and then to hear my stepdad in the background. It’s made me hate anyone who even makes similar sounds as my stepdad, making me seem like a brat because I get so irrate when some sucks snot back up their nose or has a smoker’s cough. The worst part about it is even though my mom knows and he’s dropped my sister on her head at least twenty times, and I’m not using hyperbole, she lets her be alone with him for most of the day even as she shows signs of abusive behavior such as crying when their alone together and severe overattachment. The worst part is he doesn’t remember and my mother believes he was possessed when he molested me. She claims it wasn’t even that bad because their was no penetration but it’s left me extremely uncomfortable with my current relationship now that we’ve had sex. I’m with quite possibly the most loyal and attentive person in the world but I still feel used. He’ll ask me repeatedly if I’m sure I want to do something and repeatedly tell me he only wants to do what I’m comfortable with but now that I lost my virginity to him I feel I don’t have the right to say no so I pretend to enjoy it. Usually he can tell I don’t really want to and he’ll just keep asking me what’s wrong and hold me and it makes me feel like I’m wasting his time. My body won’t even have an aroused response it bothers me so much. I feel bad because everyone talks about how great my abuser is, even my mother who calls him her soulmate and deticates every romantic or ‘good man’ song to him, even as he’s let our house fall into complete disarray. The only person who doesn’t like him is my boyfriend who works trying to save enough money to get me an apartment for Even as it’s been to years I still feel ashamed of my sexual history and the fact that I hate this ‘great man’. My mom tells me how horrible I am for feeling this way and wants me to stay in the house for as long as possible but I really can’t even function normally here as it is. I really just want to save my current relationship but I feel like I may as well kill myself because I can never truly trust my boyfriend really cares about me no matter what he does to prove it to me.

  • GT Support April 26th, 2014 at 10:23 AM #46

    Thank you for your comment, Dawn. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Shala H May 15th, 2014 at 1:20 PM #47

    I certainly understand what everyone has been saying. Happened to me too (why bother with details, you’ve heard it before). I have a few suggestions for tools that could be of use though they’re not a panacea for everything or without work or without perhaps limits. They are EMDR, faster eft, eft (emotional freedom technique) and pstec. All can be googled and are free. I searched years to find these. And they have helped a great deal and I was so overjoyed to have something that worked, something that gave ME control. What I’ve run up against now is my own limits to ‘fix’ things. I feel this is where I’m supposed to reestablish a relationship with God but just don’t know how. I use the tapping (eft/ faster eft) daily and it’s helped me deal with the pain and not physically hurt myself. But I’m tired, I can’t work on EVERY SINGLE THING from my past, and now I don’t want to. I just want God to handle it so I can move on. I just feel so depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

  • veronica June 24th, 2014 at 8:56 AM #48

    @stephen thats not true at your reply if you tell your spouse or loved ones they will support you and try to help you. My husband knows that certain songs make me uncomfortable because they were the songs played during my abuse. And he sings them whenever they come on. Ive told him please dont sing those songs and he gets louder! Also some family would rather ignore your exsistance than welcome you into the family fold because of the past abuse like my family. They think if im out of their reality than it never happened. So going to family or loved ones for support is sometimes not an option. Ive found talking to complete strangers about abuse is more supportive than your closest relationships.

  • James W. July 5th, 2014 at 6:29 AM #49

    These stories are so sad, moving in many cases, distressing. I cannot imagine what this feels like to go through.

    I have just started dating a woman who told me right at the outset about her abuse. At the time, I respected her decision not to tell me more than bare facts. She was raped aged 10, and kept it secret…I don’t know who did this, and haven’t asked. Then, ten years later, it happened again at the hands if someone else, and she then told her family about both events. She has since been involved in self abuse by cutting, promiscuity, occasional prostitution etc…

    Anyway, I left my marriage for this person and we have an incredible and intense attraction for each other. Sex is what I always imagined it could be; loving, intense, wild. I feel like I am in love with her, and she says the same. She wants us to live together.

    She has had lots of counselling, and seems to have quite a strict regime if dealing with her insecurities that seems to work very well for her. I am scared though. Scared that if I encourage her to open up, to trust me more, that I will jeopardise her hard won sanity just because I “want to help”. I feel that she is emotionally distant with me sometimes, as if she regresses to the age her abuse happened…almost child like, as if it is a game of some sort. I have two children by my marriage and she wants to have children with me too, but this also makes me scared. Not sure if anyone here has any advice, and I feel almost silly asking this when there are so many tragic stories here…should I encourage her to open up, or will that wreck everything?

  • anonymous July 11th, 2014 at 4:52 AM #50

    It’s good to know that I’m not the only person who has been through a lot, my mum and dad have been divorced since I can remember, from 13-16 years I was abused by my father who isn’t even an alcoholic just a sick man. Sick in the head, told my mum about it she believed me and he denied,yet there was no response about it,at age 16 God helped me because I paSsed my exams and went off to college. I never returned home till about 4 years when I was mature enough to face the monster and my college was in the same small town.. but the abuse gave me a lot of issues,I was a chronic marijuana smoker for about 5 years. It really helped me to forget the past,most of the memory of my childhood has been wiped out, what people really need is something to make them forget,nd also the faith to forgive the abuser realising that their life is a hundred times more pathetic than the victims wish them death just move on, now I’m 25 and I have a good engagement,my partner knows all about the abuse and loves me without doubts, I’ve learnt that you can only move on in life and forget all about the drama if you forgive.

  • kelsey July 12th, 2014 at 12:39 AM #51

    Hi Dawn, I am so sorry your step dad raped you. Your living situation seems to be unhealthy and Im sure you are desperate to escape that hell but dont take your life. I had to live with and see my abuser also and I am now living in a different town. You should definetly consider taking the help from the website that the people provided you here. What he did to you is not your fault and time will help heal the hurt, guilt, anger, etc. Please get help

  • kelsey July 12th, 2014 at 1:05 AM #52

    So sorry this happened to you I cant imagine how horrible that was and I hope the best for you, nobody should be doing what your dad did! I hope you find peace as I try to do the same

  • Ami July 12th, 2014 at 10:56 PM #53

    I agree. The abuse we experience never leaves our minds. The after-effects always make us re-examine the abuse and its impact on our daily lives.
    It is like a cancer of the mind. I try to meditate all the time.. But thatch just be a diversion to cope and not the right way to forgive and forget. I understand what you are going through as my cousin molested me repeatedly at age 8. My parents didn’t believe me and I had to suffer in silence for 25 yrs. I married a bad man who abused me as well and left him and fled the state to come back. I confided in a stranger at the gym who became my best friend and gave me strength to confront the issue to my parents and eventually confront my attacker, however the torture of anxiety, depression, self-blame, dissociation from body, control issues, nightmares, and suicide are daily issues for me. I have to train myself to look people in the eyes because I know it was not my fault but felt it was because my parents told me to keep my mouth shut. I am now 32 and afraid to get involved with anyone. Debra may God keep you strong as I know it takes a lot of will to keep going. You are not alone and others feel your pain.

  • Lr July 14th, 2014 at 4:59 AM #54

    I am 46 years old and have suffered abuse as a child. I unfortunately now am only starting to see that this is causing havoc in my life. I have anxiety, depression and other conditions. I live alone, it’s the only way I can feel safe. But yet I still don’t feel safe living alone. I spend a lot of time on my own or sleeping, but a little bit of time with say one friend, who is also a victim of abuse. I dream of a normal relationship with a man, but they just take advantage and use, abuse me and leave. I have never had a normal relationship…. ever! I currently have been taken advantage/used/abused by my Physiotherapist, while in therapy and who I have fallen for and don’t want to leave. But he will leave me, they always do. I have constantly searched for a normal love from a man, but it never happens, I seem to be attracted to or end up with abusers and even the abusers don’t stick with me. I feel so angry that my life is like this, I wish I was dead most of the time. I’ve had counselling on and off for many years, but everything remains the same. I feel no matter how I try my demons, inability to trust, fear, anxiety, bad judgement etc will always be there and haunt me. I’m sick of hoping life will get better, when I know it won’t. I hate my life.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team July 14th, 2014 at 8:44 AM #55

    Thank you for your comment, Lr. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Lr July 16th, 2014 at 5:25 AM #56

    Thank you for replying to my comment. I really appreciate it. Oxox

  • Angel July 16th, 2014 at 8:54 PM #57

    Four days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after a four year relationship because we’ve never had sex on a regular basis. I’ve tried clinical trials and took mystery medications, spent thousands of dollars on trauma-specific therapy, only to come back to square one. I would have the mindset for sex but my body would react differently, leaving my ex feeling like he’s some kind of pervert. After about 3 years of that he decided he wasn’t happy anymore because the sexual abuse I went through as a kid is bigger than the relationship. This has been very hard for me these last few days. Children will be impacted by our separation. My heart is broken and I feel like I’m never going to be in a healthy sexual relationship because no man will want me once he finds out my intimacy issues. This is rough and I’m really sad that my past has ruined my relationship

  • lisa July 22nd, 2014 at 11:44 AM #58

    Hi I’ve been dealing with my emotional childhood abuse my whole 50 years of life. My mother was never in my life she always stayed away. My father was very abusive to her me and my siblings. I really don’t remember most of my childhood. I have had flash backs over aging in my life as a child. Not good ones. Just hurtful flash backs. My father took us for my mother when I was very young. I was placed in a froster home with oddest sister. My father would come visit us there I remember him coming often to visit. I would always cry asking him can we go with him but he always told me no he didn’t known how to take care of girls. I had brothers i didn’t known I had until later on we went to the same school I didn’t known they were my brothers. My father was very mean and a very unloving father. As me my sister came up for adoption my father came and took us home to his house after all those years I cried and hated him for leaving us there for so many years he brought us to live with him and my brothers. And I finally found out way my father never came to get me and my sister my father was a pimp selling woman on the street these women weren’t that much older then my oldest sister. I really hated my father because he took us from my mother whom I never got to known she died when i was 13 my father didn’t let us go to her funeral he told us we didn’t known her when she was alive so we couldn’t go I was so confused and lost at that time all this time we had a mother and she wasn’t there for us. My father never talked about my mother I didn’t known I had one. My father was very abusive he would beat us and his woman he prostituted my father never told us he loved us my father died two years after my died he was killed on his motorcycle i was happy. But as I became grow started having relationships with men I was confused hurt and lost because I started looking for Love in all the wrong me. They didn’t want me they just want to have sex I thought having sex was love only to find out it wasn’t. I have children I never wanted but God known me having children would be the only thing that would ever be good for me. I got married my husband was never there for me and my children. My husband gave me Hiv. I’ve been positive for 24 years it has emotional hell for me I can’t trust anyone I’m aloner i have had bad unhealthy relationship because I thought I would never be in a relationships ever. Over the years I have meet some great men but I don’t feel happy I can’t give my all or my heart to a man I think I’m broken because I don’t known how to receive love. I show love I don’t really tell people I love them only my children and my siblings. I’m in a relationship now I’m not happy with him he’s a good guy we argue from time to time I loose trust in are relationship we argue. I care about him I dont love him like I use to we’ve been together 7 months. I don’t known what’s wrong with me. I stay depressed I’ve always have stuffed from depression since I wad a kid. I’ve talk to a counselor before but all I did was talk to them and I’ve moved on in life to find myself at 50 with trust issues and I can’t receive love. My life has been crazy. I love myself totally I dont let no one in my personal life I’m very private. I known I have issues but I don’t known were to start to fix my life aging.

  • Jon July 24th, 2014 at 5:19 AM #59

    Hi I am 30 and my wife is 28 we have 3 children together and are mostly a happy family and I am sure my wife Deos love me we have been married 10 years now but 5 years ago she told her sister that a close family friend has abused her as a child of 9/10 he was prosocuted and pleaded guilty my wife never told me anything except it happened she won’t speak of it and thinks it hasn’t affected her but am not sure over the past 10 years there as been a few occasions that I am sure she has cheated I tell my self am been paranoid and she denies it but I know in my heart she has done it but I just put it to the back of my head and things return to normal untill something random happens again I am sure she loves me so I don’t get why? we have an ok sex life (well for having 3kids anyway) and she orgasms most of the time I wanted to know more about the affects of abuse and came across the promiscuous thing and that really seems to fit although she would never admit there’s a problem I don’t no what to do although a proberley could just put up with it as it’s only every cpl year I hate the thought of lads using her for sex after what she has been through and her not relising she is doing it because of her past we have never really spoke about it I don’t think she wants me to know anything about it I would do anything for her and love her so much but she would never ever admit even cheating but we both know that I know in my heart anyway if a thought she didn’t love me I would leave her and I would never suspect her when she was sobar it’s always when she is mortal drunk. Apart from this she is a great mam and wife she is kind, caring, beautifull, smart she would do anything for me are our kids and I love her more than life as I write this the tears are rolling down my face because I don’t want to loose her I just don’t no what to do to save our marrige before it’s too late

  • Helen July 24th, 2014 at 6:32 AM #60

    Hello jon it broke my heart to read your story you sound like a loving caring husband and your wife is a very lucky lady. Although it is extremly common for victims of abuse ( especially females) to be more promiscuous in life and this affects a lot of woman’s relshonships it is good you love and care enough to try and help her but first she really needs to admit she has a problem she may not want to talk to you about it because a lot of abuse victims are ashamed even tho it’s not their fault. A lot of men would have ended the relshonship after the first sign of infidelity and this can lead to a lot of abuse victims to go through a lot of relashonships in life. But you really need to speak to her and try and get her to try short term counciling this Deos help a lot of people come to terms with what’s happend and reassures them it was not her fault, failing that you could try talk to her yourself and get her to open up to you but she needs to know it wasn’t her fault and she should not let the b****** affect you marige anymore.
    Make sure she knows you love her for her and not sex as some victims think that’s all men want them for. Sometimes the reason abuse victims feel the need to be promiscuous is a way of taking back controll from the abuser and nothing to do with sex at all I hope you wife opens up and gets the help she needs for the sake of your family.
    Hope this helps

  • LGW July 25th, 2014 at 3:48 AM #61

    You both need to be very honest and upfront with one another. You have every right to be a little worried and concerned. Proceed with caution. I say this as a woman who sounds similar to your partner. If your partner has not addressed her issues through counseling, a pastor, or with some sort of insight, there may be future problems. Past sexual abuse is a huge issue and can wreck havoc on the person it happened to as well as all of their relationships.

    My situation with my husband sounds similar to yours. I was sexually abused as a child and very promiscuous. The attraction between my husband and I was very wild and intense, sex was absolutely amazing in the beginning, however due to my problems such as later being emotionally distant, cold, not achieving arousal in normal healthy ways, our sex life took a turn for the worst. I will tell you I would have never thought sex would have ever been an issue between us. Now my marriage is falling apart and my husband is vocalizing wanting to go outside our bed or bring someone to our bed for fulfillment. Lots of bad, hurt feelings on both sides here.

    My advice to you is to take it slow. Attend pre marriage counseling through a church or a counselor. Read up on sexual abuse and the toll it takes on people who it occurs to. Arm yourself with knowledge so you know what challenges may lay ahead and if you are willing to take them on. God bless.

  • Sthomas July 30th, 2014 at 6:30 PM #62

    It broke my heart to read this because it reminds me so much of my relationship . I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. Fell I. Love from the start. She had a drug and drinking problem in the beginning that I didn’t know about till about 6 month. That got out of control and just before I was going to leave she went to treatment and quit drinking. The only problem was she was right back to the drugs the day she got out. I know in that time she cheated. I guess I just don’t want to believe it. Kills me to think of her with someone else. I tear up if I think about it. She slowly worked off the drugs but I still believe she has cheated and may still be. I tries to get her to at least tell me about the drugs and cheating but denies it all. I am afraid she won’t talk because she is keeping the other perso. For a back up. I believe it was someone she was partying with before we met. She is very crafty because I have never been able to find any drugs pipes etc. just the burns in the carpet and the smell etc. could not prove it on that. Bxo much has happened I could go on forever but reAlly need to talk to someone who is going thru the same thing. Anyway her dad is going in hospice and she goes to see him. I don’t understand why if he hurt her so bad. She doesn’t cry and doesn’t go to see him a lot but she still goes. Just wanted to say u r not alone. Glad I found this and I will be back. Hope I made sense. She is on her way here. I’ll be back on soon

  • karman J July 31st, 2014 at 9:24 PM #63

    I am 31 years old I was molested by my grandpa from as early as I can remember until I was 13 years old. It started off as him just fondling me and asking me if I wanted to play. He obviously always told me not to tell on him. He would tell me if I didn’t let him do it to me he would do it to my cousin. I never told on him until my little sisters were going to go stay the night and I told my mom no they’re not.. that’s when it all came out. My mom had even walked in the garage one day and grandpas pants were unzipped my mom asked me and I told her nothing. I have already been married and divorced once. I’m married again. I love my husband more than anything but I have so many problems and always have. I’m scared of the dark and I’m sure I always will be and its not the dark that’s the problem its what will happen to me in the dark. I have trust issues esp with men. I refuse to ever get undressed in front of anyone and am uncomfortable being touched. I have flash backs and anxiety. I have been through consoling but always figured what did they really care they just want my money. I can now talk about it and it helps. My husband thankfully is very supportive. I don’t know what I would do without him. I will always have problems and I will continue to live with them for the rest of my life.

  • Anita August 3rd, 2014 at 8:40 AM #64

    I just hurt so much. I have family, but I don’t. I live 4000 miles away. I moved to become someone I wasn’t raised to be. What thought would be a better life for my kids, seems too be even more painful then my own. I grew-up physically and sexually abused, without a father and a mentally uncapaiable mother in and out of homes until, I bucked the system at 16. I stayed with family but was raped by a cousin. I’ve never told. Now married 15 yrs my husband only knows parts of the story; the reason I don’t tell him more is b/c he uses it to hurt me. When he’s mad he did hit me. I think he hated that he went to college and had a silver spoon with its own set of problems, I finished 10th grade and was able to reinvent myself to a near six figure income for 10 yrs. until I was downsized recently. Anyway, I digress…. I don’t really know my real dad as in the 70s I was to be aborted but mom choose too keep me; my husband calls me a waste of air, a cancer on society, he really takes it to another level. He ruins everything that makes me feel good, even holidays. He tells me and my kids I’m a piece of crap mother. I stoped fighting back bc the kids are older. My daughter blames us both, when I say honey I’m silent, she can’t just blame her dad….. Anyway, I’m scared, I’m so alone, I don’t trust, I cry so much, I hate this man but I can’t leave and I don’t know why …. I thought this morning as he was verbally attacking me about allow our son go to a different “type” of church, this man gave me the most precious gifts a women or mother cld ever desire. Yet, he has destroyed my soul and taken away every precious thought, emotion or desire I’ve have ever had. I don’t know how to save myself without losing my children. I pray, but it doesn’t help, I’m medicated after my company downsize but the daily make me dinner, clean this house, is something I combat. I don’t like being called lazy when I try, so why try….. I must sound so hopeless, I know I feel it. Thank you for just letting me write, the pain has been to much to bare alone.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support August 3rd, 2014 at 11:23 AM #65

    Thank you for your comment, Anita. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Melanie August 3rd, 2014 at 11:37 PM #66

    I discover that my husband is a child abuse survivor after 10 years. All throughout of our life I already sense and seen so many red flag and mental behavior, but can’t really have a one on one discussion with him as he is extremely good of lies. I catch him in so much register porn website and have been cheating with me with men and women. My life is a hell. I’d like opinion of people who have the same of mine, I’ve read a lot of blog and mostly the it’s ended them into divorce. I told my husband the same that I’ll gonna file a divorce. But he keep on begging chances to believe him. That he will change. I ask him, how would I trust you when you betrayed me so many times and I keep on hearing the same apology, sentences and phrases over and over again. Repeating it more than my hears could listen. How would he change when he don’t acknowledge. He say to me at once he will die with his secret. I fully understand that I need to get out with his life but again and again, he say, his now willing to change but I still facing lies and denial from him. It’s hard to hope. Please advise?

  • kat August 5th, 2014 at 8:43 AM #67

    your post I just wanted to write you and tell you that you are loved. someone once told me that you have to give yourself what you haven’t gotten from other people. Healing is a life journey and I wish you healing love. the problem with being abused is that we never learn how to stand up for yourself we never learn the proper boundaries so it starts with yourself learn proper boundaries with yourself and you will emanate you will raise your vibration and attract love and healing. currently I’m having to go back to the people that abused me to help me move forward with this time around I will not be victimized and I will look in them straight in the eyes and they will know. They can not hurt me anymore

  • kat August 5th, 2014 at 8:55 AM #68

    hello everybody. I am 47 years old and for the first time in my life I’m actually realizing that I was abused. I was beat for holding my fork wrong, as I get told that I’m never going to have friends because the way my voice sounded, my dad hit me so hard that I couldn’t swim for like 6 months. the way that my dad basically used to hit me with the grab me by my hair and fling me around on the ground and start kicking me. This happened regularly. I remember when I was 21 I came home and I was a little past my curfew and my dad jumped out of bed and started beating me and my mom joined in I just remember I was in a fetal position on the ground telling them how much I love them. My life was in total denial n I pushed to the side my mom and dad said don’t look at the past they kept telling me, so started smoking marijuana to cope. fast forward 20 years and now drug free and sober and now realizing that I wish I never let so much go unhealed. by ignoring my past and playing the victim I only empowered them to this day keep trying to abuse me. I finally stood my ground and they didn’t like it but it was the most inspiring thing I ever did. the hardest part was learning to love myself it took a lot a lot a lot of soul searching. still on a journey of living and learning to love myself and I still have days where I doubt that I’ll never be loved anybody will ever love me. I will continue on this journey and I wish everybody love and healing

  • portia August 7th, 2014 at 7:19 AM #69

    I was sexually abused by my brother from age 5 till age 10. I woukd cry myself to sleep every night, begging God to kill me in my sleep. I suffered from extreme depression and obesity. My parents divorced when I was 7 and we got stuck with my dad. My brother would throw me into walks and verbally attack me, when he wasn’t raping me. I was under constant attack, especially from everybody(peers, teachers, siblings, strangers, and my father) calling me fat. I have suffered from bulimia for over 10 years now, and was never given the necessary help; even when I begged for it. I was forced to testify to a female police officer who told me it was my fault. Now i have survived an abusive first marriage and am having troubles with promiscouity. My boss has been fondling and groping me for two years and i never saw anything wrong with it. in fact, i have enjoyed it and have been fighting my urge to sleep with him. i am married with 2 kids and do not want to cheat on my husband again. i just can’t seem to help it; a guy flirts with me and i want to sleep with him. i hate my body and my mind is warped. i feel like i can’t think rationally.

  • Liz August 9th, 2014 at 4:58 AM #70

    My earliest memory of my dad was when he left for Vietnam. I was 6. My mom cried incessantly, saying, “He’ll be back, he’ll be back” yet crying so uncontrollably that it made no sense.

    Next memory of my dad I have is when I was in 5th grade. He stood in the front door of our house and told my mom he was leaving. He was going back to his hometown to go back into business with his father and she could come if she wanted to. This was at the end of them spending a year in “Bible college”.

    Next memory is of him coming into my room and fondling my breasts one Saturday morning while my mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I froze. Could not really breathe. I heard mom yell to him that breakfast was ready. He quickly pulled down my pajama shirt and pulled the covers back up over me and ran put of my room.

    Next memory I have of my dad is when I would get in the car with my dates, the boy would tell me that my dad told them while I was getting dressed to stay away from me because I was gonna be just as mean and nuts as my mom. He would also sometimes follow me on my dates and make me get out of the car and come home with him.

    At age 16, he forced me to move to another state so he and my mom could work on their marriage. Made me go to a 1 room, non accredited school at a small baptist church, where I was the only one in my grade. I had to quit cheer leading which was my life. I had been a A/B student til then.

    When he took me to take the SAT test he told me not to talk to anyone. I went in, needed a pencil sharpener. Asked some random guy where the pencil sharpener was. He came in and got me, took me outside and right in front of some huge windows where everyone could see us, screamed at me, then told me to go back and take the test.

    I left home at 17. Went to college. Did fairly well til a guy I was dating hit me. I left there and went back home. Loved with my parents for a few months. One night I came home after work, about 9:30, and my dad told me I could not stay there anymore. I had, apparently, told my mom something that he had told me but did not want her to know, so he had put all my clothes in the car and I was not welcome to stay there anymore. Not that night. Not ever. My mom called a friend and helped me find a place to stay.

    He did walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

    He beat my mom numerous times. She has always gone back to him.

    I finally told my mom about his molesting when I was 26 and they were in counseling. I do not remember her being upset at all.
    In fact, it seems kind of odd that she had, in my memory, basically, no anger.

    Now as a 51 year old adult, I have finally figured out that I do not feel safe around my parents. Finally, I can see these patterns and see why. I also, do not feel safe for my children to be around them for very long.

  • Sindy August 9th, 2014 at 5:17 AM #71

    I was sexually abused by my biological father for many years,he would tell me that I need to have sex with him or he will leave me and my mother and my younger sister and brother to fend for ourselves. My mother was unemployed,didn’t have any education and she was abused verbally and physically by my father.He became a monster and we were all terrified of him
    ,nobody at home was aware that I had became his second wife,he would say do this for your mother can’t you see she’s not well and she cant perform her wifely duties.I thn became scared to tell anyone so in high school I started dating and my father found out he would make me sleep with him just so that I get to see the guy I was dating.It was so painfull my father would chase away all my friends especially when my mother was away just so that he can have his own way with me.He used to encourage my mother to go see her family just so that I am left with him alone I use to cry all the time because I didnt know who to tell.Then one day my uncle came to visit us so whn he left I walked him to the bus stop and at that moment I felt I have to tell him about the abuse,he listened and cried and quickly took me to my mother’s family who got the shock of their lives at that revelation
    .My father was confronted and he promised he will stop so I went back home but he held a grugde and he thn resorted to physically abusing me he would hit me daily and it seemed to satisfy his sexual hobby that he couldnt perform anymore now that he got caught. I started begging my mother to leave him but she refused cos she had mo means of supporting us alone so I stay under the same roof as my abuser till I managed to get my own place at the age of 30.Im 35 now and I have a 3 year old son and a daughter on the way I cant let my father see my kids I hate him with everything in me,I am battling to deal with the things he did to me while growing up and ive now started having nightmares of him sexually abusing me.People dont understand why I dont ever want to set my foot at my families home and they all think I am mean I cant explain all that happen to me to them.My father deprived me of a lot of things especially education because he refused to put me through to University because he hated me for telling on him. My past feels like its haunting me I cry all the time for I dont know how to forget this ordeal

  • Lisa August 10th, 2014 at 1:08 PM #72

    I realize that I am unable to date or have a relationship, because I don’t trust very many people! I was deaf and unable to speak when a pedophile in our neighborhood molested me several times. No need for details. Anyways, that man later died. I just can’t trust any man and need help to overcome earlier childhood trauma! No one sees me crying and have a lot of panic attacks. I know all men are not alike and do not judge.

  • Lisa August 10th, 2014 at 3:46 PM #73

    I am reporting my early childhood trauma that I tried to post earlier! When I was five, deaf and unable to speak yet, I was taken by a pedophile in the neighborhood and molested repeatedly. My mother noticed that I was missing and came to their house to get me! Another time, I ran from them!! I can hardly cope with dating or getting close in romantic with a man! I need therapy, but don’t have any therapists around here I like or even trust!

  • Marcus August 11th, 2014 at 1:21 AM #74

    I know exactly what your going through! Prayers my brother prayers!

  • dalyn August 12th, 2014 at 7:29 PM #75

    Urs sounds alot like mines..my monsters is my own father!I cant remember wen it started I know it got worse.every position I cry..n nothin.I hope he burns n suffer in hell.I dont know were god was wen I was being abuse my threat if I told dept.of children will separate my siblings.my idiot mom didn’t work..how stupid can she b.always takin 1 of d others girls n lv me behind.really? I cant sleep.I understand urs.my last till I was 17!i tell my sis b ecarefull..stepdads?, daddy r the worse…n dept.of children r stupid n blind too.

  • sherri August 12th, 2014 at 11:34 PM #76

    I am a 32 year old woman. I’ve suffered from sexual child abuse when I was young as six years old. I’m in a current relationship with my boyfriend. I have had my ups and downs with him. I love him but before we had a relationship, it’s been “friends with benefits”. During the years, I’ve tried to have a relationship and he would refuse. I’ve done the wrong thing and messed with two of his family members. I’ve struggled with men throughout my life as far as letting my self esteem go and not caring about my body…the point leading to where I felt like I wasn’t loved and sleeping with my bf’s family. He can’t seem to forgive me for it. I think the reason I struggle with love is because of the sexual abuse that happened to me as a kid. My bf’s whole crew knows what I’ve done and they are like his family. They hate me. I get moderate depression due to what’s happened to me in my past. I know it isn’t an excuse but I feel like if I just said no.. to the man that sexually abused me, and to the men I have slept with, I wouldn’t be going through this right now…i want to stay in the relationship but i can’t continue this if his family hates me and he keeps thinking about what I’ve done.. .

  • Leona D August 13th, 2014 at 8:30 AM #77

    HI my Name is Leona D my mom die when i was 8 years old i move in to my two grandmother physical and emotional that my sisters and brothers and me had to go throw it hunt house my sexual abuse start at the age of 10 years old I was sexual abuse by older brother, two uncles in the home i live in the sexual abuse went on until i was 12 years old there was no help for me because i say to the police i was begin hunt in the home but the police don’t care so i had to stop the sexual abuse and physical and emotional was was going throw the way i got out of the home i star a fire in the home that is how i got out of the home that was the best day the day i was out of the home i was sent to a mental institutions in ohio i live in the mental institutions until the age of 18 years old i was sexual abuse by a worker who work in the mental hospital i told the boss and i was sexual abuse by a worker i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive worker was fired when he can back to work i was discharge from the hospital was went to live with a staff but i for get to say that i have a twin sister who all so stay in the same mental institutions with me i no longer like the mental hospital i take to the staff if she won’t me she will have to take my twin sister to i will not leave my sister the staff had a sister that work in the some place and she and her sister was also twins one sister let me live with her and the our twin let my twin live with her i went in i was to a depression so i had my little girl i went and get help i get help at the age of 20 years old and now i am 53 years old but in 2009 my store came out about the physical and emotional and sexual abuse start at the age of 10 years old I was sexual abuse by older brother, two uncles in the home i believe i would take this to my grave the anthony sowell serienkiller AFTER MY STORE CAN OUT I AM NO LONGER HAVE depression I AM NOW OFF ALL medications used to treat mental disorders I FILL GREAT AND I HAVE i forgive the people who abuse me that is the only way you can heal DON’T GAVE UP THERE IS A GREAT OF HELP OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE men, women and kids it will get harder before it gets better I JUST LOVE TO SAY THANK YOU TO ALL Behavioral Medicine & Counseling THE MetroHealth Broadway Health Center FOR THE GREAT HELP I NEVER BE CAME A drug and alcohol BECAUSE I ALL HAVE SO ONE TO TAKE TO NOW I CAN GO ON WITH MY GREAT LIFE AND ENJOY MY FAMILY

  • livia August 13th, 2014 at 11:22 PM #78

    I currently have seperated and am beginning divorce precedings from my husband of 19 years. Growing up in an abusive and fatherless child hood I suffered from low self esteem and did not have many friends. I met my husband in college and got into a serious relationship with him my senior year. For years there have been questionable emails, text and phone calls that he considtently lies about or the stories he tells are never consistent. He has also been very emotionally abusive to me, cursing me out, calling me deragatory names and making me stand outside his athletic events for multiple hours while pregnant and swelling. We currently work at the same job and although seperated he has relationships on the job and our two kids attend child care there as well. He has had relationships on his job in the past while we were together. Trying to break the dysfunctionalism I grew up in, I had to finally make a decision to get out of the marriage and work on myself. Its been a year now since I moved out. Althougj I have hard emotional days going through the healing process I have more peaceful and happy days then I had with him.

  • Elena August 15th, 2014 at 10:55 PM #79

    I was physically and emotionally abused as a child by both parents. They were cruel people. I really do think I am past blaming them because I am sure they both were raised by unloving and abusive parents too. I got psychological help and I’m hAppy to say that my own child was raised with so much love and affection. I just wish I could stop hating myself. I know that I internalized all the cruel negative comments my parents made. They teased me relentlessly, played jokes on me and laughed at my discomfort, beat me, and told me how stupid, ugly and worthless I was. I came to believe them, to believe that I’m no good. On a rational level, I know that it’s not true. But on an emotional level, I still am so negative about myself. I trust almost no one and believe that I’m no good. I wish I could stop the negative thinking. I keep trying.

  • Jena B August 21st, 2014 at 8:01 AM #80

    the best thing to do in this situation is cut your ties with the boyfriend. the damage has already been done. your best bet is to move on and work through all of your childhood issues that have been haunting you for years. once you’ve been able to work through them and you have learn to forgive the people who have harmed you then you can drive for a functioning healthy relationship until then it’s best that you work on yout. unfortunately what has happened is you have broken the trust of not only your boyfriend but his family and all their friends. darlin do yourself a favor and move on work on you and become a happy person that won’t happen until you start learning to respect and love yourself

  • Kelly August 21st, 2014 at 10:24 PM #81

    Sindy, I promise you, there is hope! I am still recovering myself, and can tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, at this point is become aware of how the abuse affected you. And know that it was NOT your fault! Becoming self aware will keep the past from ruining your future. Don’t you dare let an evil man like that have your future! After I finally left home, I thought to myself “I’m not going to let it affect me.” But I was jealous, insecure, promiscuous, I was choosing men that treated me like my father did, and I had no self respect. Surround yourself with GOOD, intelligent people who see you as God sees you! People who will lift you up, and rebuild your sense of self worth. Be intentional about that! I promise you, over time this can undo all the lies you were made to believe about yourself. The most amazing thing, is after you’re able to look at your abuse and abuser for what it really is, you will then be able to help other women who have gone through the same thing. God will use you like that, and that’s the greatest honor of all. I am still recovering. I just married an incredible man, and now am dealing with sexual issues in our marriage that I had no idea stemmed from sexual abuse. Things are still popping up, but if you become aware of it, & surround yourself with GOOD people who will help you through it, you will find peace and healing. I promise. I also recommend cutting off your father completely. And as far as justice goes, just know that God will judge him in a way far more effective than anyone on this earth ever could.

  • Cam August 22nd, 2014 at 7:31 AM #82

    I was neglected as a child. I remember being 2 years old and desperately trying to use a toaster to make toast. I used to eat the sulphur residue on the end of my fathers matches from a past lit cigarette. I would sip old flat coke cans with ash in them and refuse Pepsi as an adult because it reminds me of a flat coke that got ‘ashed’ in. My older brother said as a baby I ate dead bugs. I doubt it was because babies put things in their mouths. The only memories I have as a small child revolve around food. I remember the hunger. As I grew older I became a pretty girl… However being pretty was a curse because I was tossed all over, sometimes switching schools twice in one year. Girls hated me and I was bullied quite a bit. I could never connect with females or form lasting friendships with them even though I’ve wanted it. Even to this day other woman scare me. My parents split when I was 12. At this time I had a younger brother in diapers. My brothers and I moved with my mother to another cheap apartment. Our mother just stopped coming home due to an ever increasing crack addiction and my dad was ‘unaware’ for a while. We lost the phone… The utilities.. And then one day a few non English speaking men came to the apartment and started moving all of our stuff out and my mother was no where to be found. My older brother left and became homeless at age 15. An older man took him in and my brother began to question his sexuality even though he is a straight man today. My mom manages to get it together for five minutes and I stay with her …a few months(maybe weeks) when she beats me with a plastic hanger during a cocaine psychosis. Authorities FINALLY get involved and call my father. He takes me to live with him and his mom (my grama) My father had no money regardless of going to work every day. This place was a mess. I didn’t have a bed and slept in an informal dining room with out a door. At night my dad would watch porn in the living room. That was excruciating for me as an eighth grade girl to hear my father masturbating all night. I’ve had to pee so badly but lived in fear of what I’d be interrupting just to go to the bathroom. My father really believed I wouldnt notice with no door! I had to go with out essentials like shampoo or desperately needed underwear. I was so happy to be 13 because I legally could work and all I wanted to do was buy myself a bottle of loves rain perfume so people would stop making fun of me at school, and I needed things like maxi pads. I began noticing mental illness in my Grama. She counted the seconds every single time I had to take a shower and would scream horrible things at me for wasting hot water. She became increasingly erratic over me. It seemed so delusional that any emotional impact on my behalf was null and void. Keep in mind a catastrophe in my childhood occurred about every month which often resulted in relocation. The catastrophe with my 80 something year old grama …Who started to reek like urine while I started getting teased for being “smelly” at school..she had found a paper clip in her coffee creamer and became convinced that I was trying to murder her. Luckily my father has some redeeming qualities and moved us into a new place. A one bedroom(he took couch.) Life got easier for a moment and I remember Being happy with just my dad and I. He was nice to me then. I felt safe and when Christmas came, we put up a tree… I liked that year even though the bullying at school was getting harder for me. My dad took care of me and he didn’t yell at me a lot then. He ended up meeting a pretty woman. … We went to dinners at her nice house a couple nights a week… She bought me real little kid stuff even though I was a 13 maybe 14 years old and a die hard Pink Floyd fan. When I was 15, We moved into another apartment. I remember my father getting pulled over in the parking lot and they ended up taking him to jail for no license. I have horrible memory issues that are still a problem today and I don’t remember what happened after my dads arrest. He was not made to sit for too long. All I remember next is not wanting to go to a 3rd high school my sophomore year. I never even legally dropped out. I just never went back to school and no one noticed. My fathers girlfriend stopped pretending to like me when she realized that she didn’t have to like me or want me around to earn my fathers affection. He eventually stopped coming home yet still paid the rent. My dad was the first person to break my heart. Sometimes I believe I’ve been broken hearted ever since. I was self sufficient and walked a highway to work but when I think back.. I was just a child!! Although my innocence was way past over. I let my 35 year old neighbor perform oral sex on me at that time and It didn’t feel good at all, in fact it made me sick. However I never once tried to run. I thought it’s what I was supposed to do. My father now had my little brother.. And my mother was not heard from until I was an adult and in prison for being a street hooke. I took the wrong path and made the wrong friends. I did drugs. I did drugs with my mom.. A day after my eighteenth birthday my dad came to the apartment. He handed me 200 bucks and told me to leave. I had zero education… I could never pass a class when I attended school. I began stripping in clubs to support a life and an apartment in the city . I had sugar daddies and became one of those girls. Then I tried heroin at 27 and it changed everything. Eventually went to jail for possession. Heroin in some ways saved me and brought me down from a narcissistic sugar daddy high. I was humbled and had lost everything. Luckily I managed to break the cycle after a year. I experienced love and heartbreak again but something amazing happened. I became pregnant at the worst time. I was no longer taking my clothes off for money but I had no means to support a child and no one to support my decision. I experienced homelessness while pregnant and again after I had given birth . My son is now four years old and he has filled a hole in my heart. I know I had him selfishly. I wanted someone to love me back. Instead my son has taught me how to give love. Don’t get me wrong.. I still have quite a few issues …I can’t refuse an offer for pain meds at the dentist and I’ll always end up eating the script In two days. I would LOVE a career but my felony drug possession gets in the way. Anxiety is an issue and people often assume I am a huge ditz because I panic for no particular reason. I sometimes quietly develop a sense of impending doom. I also have horrible concentration and memory problems. The kicker?? I still have both parents in my life. My mom is exclusively an alcoholic.. And Grama is STILL KICKING even tho she’s senile.She’s pushing 100 years old. My father has devastated me a bunch over the years but he learned his lesson with the whole being around and being stable thing. My little brother wasn’t forgotten. My father is now going to be an ex homeowner due to putting my brother through college. I’m still a sucker for my dad… But i did FLIP out and go psycho on him for over a week, but that was 2 years ago. He threatened to get a restraining order. I was pretty scary. It was pent up rage. Were better now.. I’m not mad at him anymore. My father knows he didn’t protect my other brother and I. For the first time I saw a old man consumed with a whole lot of guilt and the anger I let build up all those years became something I regretted. It’s rather sad. Regardless of everything I don’t want him to suffer. I want him to be happy.

  • Toni S. August 23rd, 2014 at 8:44 AM #83

    Hi! I understand your concerns as I am a 46 year old female suffered and am suffering from physical, abuse and neglect and have since I was born. It makes things very difficult when you have an handicapped brother or sister and they get all the attention and everything bought for them.
    My parents are evil, mean, nasty and cruel. They way they bought me up. I feel totallt ashamed of them as they are irrisponsable and cannot cope. I do think that if a parents up bringing is bad and they had a bad child hood, then people like yourself and I would be bought up that way. Believe me! You end up suffering from servere depression and anxiety and learning difficulties as the thought of things plays up on your mind and it destroys you.
    They have always been very jealous of me and dont want to see me with good things.
    I just want to move away from the area and that way they wont keep pestering me and spying on me.
    I feel like ending myself.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support August 23rd, 2014 at 8:49 AM #84

    Thank you for your comment, Toni. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Toni S August 23rd, 2014 at 8:53 AM #85

    Hi! I understand your concerns as I am a 46 year old female suffered and am suffering from physical, abuse and neglect and have since I was born. It makes things very difficult when you have an handicapped brother or sister and they get all the attention and everything bought for them.
    My parents are evil, mean, nasty and cruel. They way they bought me up. I feel totallt ashamed of them as they are irrisponsable and cannot cope. I do think that if a parents up bringing is bad and they had a bad child hood, then people like yourself and I would be bought up that way. Believe me! You end up suffering from servere depression and anxiety and learning difficulties as the thought of things plays up on your mind and it destroys you.
    They have always been very jealous of me and dont want to see me with good things.
    I just want to move away from the area and that way they wont keep pestering me and spying on me.
    I feel like ending myself.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support August 23rd, 2014 at 9:26 PM #86

    Thank you for your comment, Toni. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Dorcas August 24th, 2014 at 1:41 PM #87

    I was born on 4th Nov 1991 where my biological mother died due to child birth and i was born,i grew up with my dad and a step-mum who is so loving and carering,when i was nine my dad who was deep into alcohol started abusing me sexually,he would come home drunk during the day when my mum was at work and other siblings in school and ask me to undress before him,he would also remove his trousers,he woul ask me to touch his private parts,this went on for a weeks or so,in this particular day my mum had travelled to up-country to look for a house-help,my brother’s were sleeping and my dad came home late at night drunk as usuall and called me in their bed-room prettending he was calling me to help him lock the door,i was in pink night dress something i don’t put on from that fatefull night,he tore my nightdress and raped me mercilessly treatening to kill me if i ever speak about it,the story is unknown to my family to-date,i grew with bitterness and i hated all men,i hated my dad and all men who i falled in their hands and they misused me,alcohol and drugs became my lifestyle till when i got born again on 5th Jan 2014,today am healing coz i enrolled for classes of how to overcome rejection by my spiritual father who i openned up to on Feb 2014 being the 1st time i talked about it with my pastor,i still live with my parents and am in the proccess of healing as i forgive my father

  • kim a August 25th, 2014 at 7:42 AM #88

    I dont know you but I love you, stay strong♡

  • justice August 26th, 2014 at 4:54 AM #89

    I just ruined my marriage bcos i sisnt tell my husbamd that i.waz i was im 29 years old as a lil girl 5 yrs old my so called uncle would stick his hands dwn.my pants and he would say imjust checking to see if u had pee in the bed.. i told my mom and dad but they never belivevd me bcos it hapoend some more and later on dwn the road i say. Was ᤾11 my mom s side of the family my great uncle molmolested. Me my baby sister and baby brother then he would make us three have sex with each.other. and once again mom and dad didnt believe us.. so i got on drug and medt this man named terrell i fell in love with him. I was once raped again and , i.told him and he said he was gonna beat him up and so on and so on….. well coming to find out he became buddy with him so therefore i wouldnt tell nobody what happened to me bcos icouldnt trust anybody… so now my husband hates me and calls me a liar b**** and w****

  • janice August 26th, 2014 at 10:07 AM #90

    I was sexually abused by my older brother for as far back as I can remember. I never fully recalled all of the memories until this past year. Now it’s like a nightmare for me. I have ruined my marriage because of infidelity and after I told my husband what my brother did to me, he was mad at me and told me to go live with my brother because I must have liked it because I let it continue. The night I told him he asked me for oral sex. He wants a divorce because of my online relationships with other men. Now he is throwing my abuse back in my face. I have tried to cope but it feels like it’s just getting worse. I have no health insurance so I can no longer see my Dr. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • Loumar August 27th, 2014 at 7:07 AM #91

    I was sexually abused by an older gril at summer camp, and have been battling the lingering affects of this trauma for my entire life. I have gone through the gamet of anxieties, am I gay, bi-sexual (the asbuse was same sex abuse) should i kill myself, should I tell anyone. I have been in therapy for over 10 years now, and recently became engaged to an amazing man who loves me unconditionbally. Yet, I am sad and terrifed. I am not experiencing the delight that a newly engaged woman should feel. I am on the verge of tears at all times, and my fear of hurting this man is unconctrolable. Any thoughts? I am desparate to make sense of this.

  • Lily September 2nd, 2014 at 3:12 AM #92

    No Child or person should ever have to go through what you went through. Stay strong for your son things can be different for him and you. Your family is in my prayers

  • manda September 6th, 2014 at 7:02 PM #93

    I was sexually mentally and physically abused from the age of four and up by my stepfather uncle brother and brothers friends. Now I am 32 and searching for mental help. I held all the feelings in for so long and they are coming back in nightmares. I am married with two children. My husband has noticed a change in me and I want to be honest but I just can’t spit the words out. I am hurting so so bad I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and alone, I’m scared to tell him because he does not like emotional anythings. I like that these people could share these things on here. I really feel disgusted with myself and my feelings. I want to die so bad!

  • GoodTherapy.org Support September 7th, 2014 at 11:15 AM #94

    Thank you for your comment, Manda. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Breanna S. September 7th, 2014 at 11:25 PM #95

    I am 19 and was molested by 3 cousins and step gpa my brother my uncle and my biological father. My father started when i was 4 along with his young brother. As i got older i seemed to get molested by more people more fam… this has to be my fault somehow since it was mostly family… i finally told on my father at the age 13 bc he was trying to kill me and my step mom was leaving him bc i told her and even tho she wasnt goin to the cops he was still mad.. but the point is i told he got away with it and everybody thinks im a liar now. I had counseling but they just made me mad by saying they knew how i felt and i needed to forgive and move on. But i cant. im 19 now and i still have nightmares. I have the mindset of a victim. I cant have a orgasm by penetration and i panic for no reason.. im not on meds cause i always lie on the tests. Im afraid if im honest then people will know how crazy i am. I have debates with myself. I often day dream i like to call it (i fantasize and plan diff ways of killing myself) its like i see it all the way through and its a releif for the time being so i dont act do it. I feel like im the blame if somebody is upset. I have this thing happen when im to upset ill sometimes break down and like go in a dark corner in my head and i cont life but i dont remember it… ive gone a whole week once and have no memory of what i did. I always feel abandoned when im left alone its almost unbearable. I also had a break down a couple months ago at night were i seen these shadow people tryn to comfort me telling me to come with them next thing i know im in a fetal pos on the side of the road crying my body cramped up bad and some guy asking if i was okay i like blacked out .. my anxiety is awful out of nowhere i get a heavy feeling in my chest along with shortness of breath and sharp pains. This has never been this bad. Ive been out of the abuse since i was 14. im 19 now why am i doin this stuff now?… what is wrong with me… please give advice im at a lost and tired of suffering.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support September 8th, 2014 at 10:51 AM #96

    Thank you for your comment, Breanna. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • jd September 9th, 2014 at 6:46 AM #97

    Hi please don’t say that,stop cursing yourself. You are what you say you are, the power it’s in your tongue. It is your choice to choose right by solving whatever past issues you have.I believe every problem has a solution,talking to people you trust or going for cancelling I think will help. I am praying for you please stay strong and positive. God loves you

  • maria September 11th, 2014 at 3:04 PM #98

    Geez I don’t know what to say other than I wish I could listen to you so you can get all that out and give you comfort because thats all so horrible I was physically abused by my mom and bullied through high school but was never molested or so I think I cant remember too much of my childhood but everytime i try to explain to somebody how dificult my life was they just tell me forgive and move on! LIKE is that simple so I wont tell you that I will just listen to you and you can let everything out you have the right to be listen to and comforted! After all that crap you had to go through remember you are better than them and ask God to fill all those empty spaces with his love

  • Bonolo September 13th, 2014 at 12:49 PM #99

    Hi All

    My sincere thanks and gratitude to all the survivors on this site.Your horrible,sad heart-wrenching tales are a source of strength to us who have been lucky not to go through your ordeal.I have just realized the scale of this dreaded sickness(child-abuse) how widespread it is. I’m here because I am trying to figure out whether I’m doing the right thing or not in my relationship with my wife of 20yrs. Let me hasten and say that my ordeal is a Sunday picnic when measured against most of the stories mentioned here

    My wife when we were dating about 20 yrs ago told me about her abuse and neglect by both her parents. her sin was that she was born a girl when her father wanted a boy.She was beaten to a pulp by her father , the mother beacuse she wanted to save her marriage never stopped that physical abuse. She was thrown out of the house a nd locked in an outside toilet, beaten with a barbed wire. She also witness her mother’s sister suffering terrible abuse from her partner.

    Every time we were together she would cry even when we were happy because she said she never felt loved like this, Five years after marriage I started to cheat(I was just foolish)and it devastated her. She developed or at least i started noticing anxiety panic attacks, depression, suicide attempts,self hating( wishing to be raped) so as to get my attention and finally revenge cheated on me. I wanted to kick her out of my life and kids(2). I only stopped there when i saw a picture of how she was 15 yrs ago when she related her abuse to me.Not only did I stop wanting out but I did everything possible to help her recover from this state.
    We sought professional assistance but her child abuse was never raised or mentioned, and stayed together til now. I have just discovered that she has cheated with another married man. This guy is her high school lover. i discovered this a month after she dissolved the relationship. The thing is she stopped this relationship because she realized that although she loved him he could not leave his wife and she cannot share him with another woman. During this period she started contacting her former boyfriend,the first one she cheated me with. When confronted she panicked wanted to commit suicide.Sometime during the affair she had panic attacks on the road at night alone.I didn’t know the cause of that panic-attack until i discovered that it was when she had started an affair. She has terrible nightmares she creams at night almost daily. She people trying to kill or harm her. Lately it happened during daytime not at night.

    The thing is I love her very much I don’t want us to separate. We have 2 cute kids(10 and 12) and I love her I want to be like some of the men here who have supported their spouses.

    Before I conclude let me say that she is a very good human being. I can say that 95% of her is angelic in nature. She helps everyone in need.She is very kind.My family loves her very much. She is a god-fearing human being. A great mother. Though when I was cheating she abused our daughter for a while until i realized what was happening.

    I think she has a split personality.That hidden part the unknown to everyone except me looks bad but there is more good than bad to in her character.

    My dilemma is she doesn’t link her problems to her upbringing, she claims it was me largely who created all the problems in our relationship. I want to help my lovely wife but she doesn’t want my help as it involves opening up her past and she has a sound relationship with her parents who are now good parents. All that is bad about her she hides from parents that she cheats,she occasionally drinks, she chats on social networks non stop with her like minded cheating girlfriends about how to cheat or change partners.

    Her parents do not know that she has a serious mental problem which needs attention. I am afraid it will get worse and affect innocent kids before she gets help. I am so distressed I am considering doing
    something horrible like exposing her other side so as to help her get professional help.

    Can someone offer some assistance here. I am from South Africa, Africa’s’ most developed country. We do have some world acclaimed mental health care professionals.

    How do I get her to seek professional help or at least try and understand that what happened to her as a child does have an impact on her adult life especially her relationships moving forward.

    Thanks once more for sharing and listening its therapeutic i think might get some sleep tonight.
    CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEASE.I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP FOR A MONTH NOW.

  • J September 14th, 2014 at 10:06 AM #100

    I’m so sorry to hear your going through this. When I was 4 I was molested by my cousin. He was 6. I has a broken family and 10 of us living in one house. After that my other 2 cousins started joining in. They were all around the same age as me so I thought it was something I had to do. I blame myself still for letting it go on and not telling. I’m 22 and still have told no one. I’m terrified that it’s all made up in my head. My grandparents still own that house and whenever I step into it my skin just crawls. I feel dirty. I have to face my family, my cousins and I won’t look them in the eye. It’s like they get to live normal lives while I suffer in silence. I think about killing myself from time to time bc I can’t deal with the way I feel. I’m too scared to get help bc if it hurts this bad now I can’t imagine what it will feel like when I put it all out there. I’m scared I feel judged. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 yrs now and at first the sex was fine. But one day these flashbacks started and id push my boyfriend off me so fast his head would spin. He was confused and didn’t understand. I finally got the guts a month ago to tell him why I can’t have sex bc if I didn’t it was going to ruin our relationship. He tries to work with me but still gets frustrated bc I can’t even let him touch me at times. I know it’s never going to get better until I get help but that step seems like a giant leap I don’t feel capable of making.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support September 14th, 2014 at 10:22 AM #101

    Thank you for your comment, J. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • S September 15th, 2014 at 9:25 AM #102

    Bonolo, I can somewhat relate. Some of our experiences are the same and some are different. However, I married a survivor and she refuses to believe that her sex abuse as a child affects are relationship. I read, researched, and read more about depression, child sex abuse, and loving a child sex abuse survior.

    She was abused from the age of 6 until about 13 years of age. I know that she manipulates our daughters emotionally when she doesn’t get her way. When I tell her to stop yelling at them, she gets very vocal, physical and shouting…I have to make my point and walk away with the understanding that I can’t control her or box her. She then begins to believe it is her fault and then pushes me away to tell me that she is no good to be with. I tell her its going to be alright. She then tells me, you just think I’m broken. I tell her no and then I understand and see you. Yesterday and last night, we argued. Finally, she called her mom and told her that she is moving out from me. I said okay. This morning, she was rude and didn’t care what I was doing. Then, 5 minutes ago, she asks me how am I doing? She changes, I wonder if she has split personality or something. She won’t get help, but I love her sooo much that I don’t know what to do some times. I’m going insane somedays. Loving a survivor is hard work emotionally and have to be centered through all of it.

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