The Impact of Childhood Abuse on Women’s Adult RelationshipsSeptember 25, 2012 • Contributed by Jen Wilson, GoodTherapy.org Correspondent
Children who have been victims of maltreatment can develop emotion regulation problems that affect many areas of their lives. Some survivors of abuse can experience symptoms of posttraumatic stress, anxiety, and depression throughout life. Coping and relational skills learned in childhood form the foundation from which future behaviors evolve. It has been hypothesized that women who survived maltreatment, in the form of physical or sexual abuse or neglect, will have sexual challenges in adult relationships. To test this theory, Alessandra H. Rellini of the Department of Psychology at the University of Vermont conducted a study involving 192 women ranging in age from 18 to 25.
The study focused on how emotional regulation, childhood maltreatment, sexual expression, sexual satisfaction, and relationship intimacy were associated in the context of committed adult relationships. The women in the study completed online surveys describing the type of abuse they experienced and their level of intimacy, affectionate expression, and sexual satisfaction in their current relationships. Rellini found that the more severe the childhood abuse was that the women experienced, the more unsatisfied they were in their adult relationships. This was true with respect to general and sexual relationship satisfaction. The severity of abuse also directly predicted the severity of emotional regulation impairment, which could be indirectly influential of satisfaction.
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In contrast to Rellini’s predictions, however, the findings did not demonstrate any association between emotional regulation impairment and intimacy or emotional expression. This was rather surprising, as previous research has suggested that abuse survivors tend to have challenges sustaining emotionally healthy sexual relationships. One factor that may have contributed to these results is the broad categorization of abuse used in this study. Specifically, this study did not examine sexual abuse separately from emotional or physical abuse to determine each type of abuse’s independent effect on emotional regulation. Despite this limitation, Rellini believes her findings provide evidence of unique correlations between childhood maltreatment and adult relationships for women, but more work needs to be done. “Research is now needed to explore the stability of such ﬁndings over time in order to determine the time course and sequencing of change between the studied variables,” she said.
Rellini, Alessandra H., Anka A. Vujanovic, Myani Gilbert, and Michael J. Svolensky. Childhood maltreatment and difficulties in emotion regulation: Associations with sexual and relationship satisfaction among young adult women. Journal of Sex Research 49.5 (2012): 434-42. Print.
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belindaSeptember 25th, 2012 at 3:17 PM
It is kind of hard to believe this new research given that for so long we have all been told how much damage this does to us in our later years. I have always attributed my inability to remain in a loving and committed relationship due to the fears that I have because of the abuse that I suffered. Have I been wrong all this time? Have I been using this as my crutch, my excuse for not wanting to get close to anyone, without this really being the problem at all?
DebraJanuary 3rd, 2014 at 9:25 AM
No Belinda, it’s not a crutch. Whatever abuse you went through can cripple you and all your future relationships. Most of us try very hard to move forward and desire greatly a partnership with someone who will actually love us. But too often the demons of our past hold us back from getting what we most desire. I’ve read books and stories about people who have been able to heal and move forward so I suppose it’s possible. But it’s my belief that the damage so many of us suffered started at such a young age and was long-lasting and severe, that the emotional bonds that we were supposed to form never did and it changes us forever. The early years of a child’s life are where we learn to trust and we learn that we are protected. Sadly for most of us here, the people who we were supposed to be protected by and be able to trust were our abusers. So it’s not a crutch. We all have had to find ways of coping without the tools we so desperately needed. When we don’t have those coping tools, we reach for something, anything, to hold us up and keep going on. Sadly the things we try don’t work and so we try to live life by numbing out the memories through drugs or alcohol or inappropriate sexual behavior. There are no easy answers for us. I wish you all the best, and hope you find some peace at some point in your life.
ms lOctober 14th, 2014 at 10:00 PM
15OI was abused by my mom. Around age12 she started beating me with belts and stitches. She gave me at least 3 beating a week. I had to learn to cook startingvat age 8.I never could speak up or voice my thoughts. When i was about 14 i tried to kill myself but my neighbor knocked the spoon of rat poison out my hand before i could get the spoon to my mouth. I was a nerves reak growing up in th house. When i turned 15 my stepdad came home when i was babysitting and asked me to have sex with him and he would stop my mom from beating me. Three weeks later i was raped,because i ran away from home. My store is painfuland so are the others. I share your pain. I thank God that i am still alive.
HeidiSeptember 25th, 2012 at 4:16 PM
A child’s mind is like soft clay.Any touch will have an effect on it and if an unwanted touch is not rectified,the unintended shape remains.Various studies have now shown negative experiences and abuse during one’s childhood definitely affect the person in various aspects later on.
And Belinda,crutch or not,your aim should be to try and get out of the rut,to try and work towards a meaningful relationship.Don’t be afraid,you can overcome your fears.You could seek help of a professional if needed.
Miss LouiseSeptember 25th, 2012 at 4:20 PM
Very interesting. :)!!
GerrardSeptember 25th, 2012 at 11:49 PM
Although childhood abuse and especially sexual abuse can dent someone’s relationships in their adult lives,it can be especially hard for women because they tend to relate sexual relations with feelings and emotions more than men and an experience such as this could scare them away from having even healthy sexual relations later on in their lives.
Brian hollisterSeptember 26th, 2012 at 3:43 AM
Believe me, if you were abused as a child, then no matter how strong and resilient you are this is going to have an effect on you and your adult relationships.
When you are a child and place so much trust in the adults in your life, then their actions will play very heavily into how you process life and the way theat you subsequently handle your own relationships as you grow into an adult.
To excuse their behavior against you if it was abusive and to conclude that you are free from it is so wrong. Their actions have consequences and unfortunately most of this will come out against you.
BrookeOctober 10th, 2012 at 2:15 AM
Exactly Brian. Childhood abuse in all its forms, is minimized these days due due to the lack of funding and knowledge of the true effect it has on a child’s development. The difficulty of educating parents to what is considered child abuse and what is not is not to simple as others think. Parents sometimes don’t ‘plan’ to hurt their child but consciously do. That’s is still considered child abuse. Arguably, it is an social problem that effects every single person.
Google Harville Hendrix as he has some very interesting books on why we need to overcome our childhood issues to find true happiness.
There are also many blogs out there where you can follow people blogging about living with childhood abuse.
delaynaSeptember 26th, 2012 at 7:04 AM
I do not understand how anyone could hurt a child in this way, especially given what we now know about the impact that abuse consistently has on their adult lives. Shame on those who say that they are just “punishing” the child. This inflicts far more lasting harm that simple punishment ever could or should.
ReynaSeptember 26th, 2012 at 2:26 PM
“the more severe the childhood abuse was that the women experienced, the more unsatisfied they were in their adult relationships.”
Not to undermine those that have experienced less severe abuse,but I believe it is so very necessary to have very severely affected individuals treated differently than the former group.That is because I think the needs of the two groups would be different.Like the former group would have some trouble in relationships but would be able to manage with a little bit of help but the latter group would need more focused help and treatment.
Charles A. FrancisSeptember 26th, 2012 at 2:34 PM
I agree that childhood emotional abuse can impact our relationships in adulthood. Those who are abused as children often treat their children the same way, because they grow up learning that kind of behavior is normal—and so the cycle continues. So the question now becomes: What can we do about it?
Mary Sovran recently wrote an article for us, “Healing Childhood Emotional Abuse with Mindfulness Meditation.” As the title suggests, it incorporates mindfulness meditation to help the healing process.
She also describes an exercise called writing meditation, which she says dramatically changes the way we feel toward our abusers. She said that mindfulness meditation and the writing meditation enabled her to overcome the wounds from her childhood, and have more fulfilling relationships.
Charles A. Francis
The Mindfulness Meditation Institute
HelenSeptember 26th, 2012 at 2:45 PM
I propose that you would find that if this research had been split and you looked solely at the implications that arose from sexual abuse you would see that there are a lot of serious issues that come from withstanding this type of abuse. I find that many women I work with who have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a mate or a parent or really anyone, they have been scarred for life by this kind of mistreatment. Please don’t take this that they have faced too lightly, or else it could make them feel even worse. Already many of these women think that it is their fault that this happened to them- they don’t need any more negativity than that which they have already experienced.
JasperSeptember 26th, 2012 at 11:57 PM
I’d love to see some stats and numbers on how the relationships are affected for those who received immediate attention and care compared to those who did not.I am certain the former would be better at their relationships and such results will show people just why seeking help and at an early stage is just so important!
LeightonSeptember 27th, 2012 at 4:08 AM
I don’t see any way possible that you could determine that there are some ways that childhood abuse does not impact fture relationships and emotional capabilities. I was abused, and over the course of a few years have met many others who have experienced the same things that I have.
All of us can name numerous ways in which our lives have been damaged by the abuse that we were the victims of at a young age. It was positively stunting for many of us, something that no amount of counseling could ever help us to get past.
I think that to imply that there are people who have no issues with this at all is being fairly irresponsible and non-understanding of those of us who still suffer as past victims.
olafSeptember 27th, 2012 at 5:47 AM
the only positive I see here is that if someone shows up at the doctor’s office with issues such as these then talking about the abuse in the past could help the diagnosis and an effective treatment method.
laura watsonSeptember 27th, 2012 at 3:51 PM
Women and men both who have been abused in their childhoods are typically going to either seek out others on whom they can rely or they will do the opposite and push everyone away. So I really think that this could go both ways. I hope that there are many abuse survivors who have sought help for moving past all of that pain that was laid upon them at such an early age. That is an awful lot for anyone to have to manage. It becomes especially difficult when you want to get close to someone in your life but are having a hard time breaking through all of that pain that you experienced before. I sincerely hope that articles like this will give more of us hope that recovery does not have to seem so unattainable, that it has become a reality for many survivors of abuse and it is possible to get through that journey healthy and whole.
LeslieAnneSeptember 28th, 2012 at 2:14 PM
How about looking at an older group of women next time? The 18-25s might still be able to shake some things off, but the older women have been carrying this around with them for a lomg time, and well, they could have been haunted by this for all this time.
Miss TSeptember 29th, 2012 at 12:14 PM
I was abused by men in my life, and it affected me throughout my entire life. I’m in my 30s now, happily married, but its so hard to trust men. What happened to me made me wanna guard myself and I do. Maybe too much?
WrickOctober 6th, 2012 at 6:42 AM
I am dating a girl for over 2 years. We argue and fight over many things just like many other couple. I have realized she loses temper much often than necessary. She calms down after sometime. Becaosue of this temper it has been difficult in her professional life. So many times she has tried to break away from relationship. I have persuaded her to stay with me. I know that she needs loving company all the time around. At this point I also think she should also visit some kind of therapy just so that she knows herself more, just so that she is self aware. If anyone has similar experience or know someone who had neglected childhood , foster parents and childhood abuse and have got help through therapy please ping me. I am interested in trying to find the right therapist for her. I just don’t know where to do this search.
BrookeOctober 10th, 2012 at 3:49 PM
Wrick, I’m sad to hear about you’re girlfriends although you’re story sounds nostalgically familiar.
I have been abused as a child and months ago was in relationship with a guy who pretty much gave me an ultamatm. If need to go see a psychoologist (myself or with him) promptly or the relationship is over. I didnt end up seeing one, until we broke up. The day after!
People need to understand therapy isn’t a socially accepted term, yet. It is a sensitive topic that needs to be treated with the most utter respect. Some people are very defensive and even get angry when you suggest that they may need therapy. Knowing how to approach a person with this topic is essential to be effective in getting your loved one to seek help.
Wrick, from personal experience, it is somewhat difficult getting someone to seek help if they don’t realise or want to admit they have a problem. I never sought help as my ex-partner harassed me about it because I didn’t think there was anything wrong wit me. I was also ashamed of seeking help, and honestly only did it the day after we broke up to try and win him back. (Although I’ve stuck wit it and been seeing a therapist for the last 10 months)
If after carefully approaching the topic with her, with utter most sensitivity, (you can also use that YOU would find it beneficial if she went with you to therapy, as people would rather do things to help others than themselves), she refuses you can borrow/buy books for her to read, to improver her knowledge and self-awarness. This has actually helped me more than therapy. Although it was my therapist who lent me one of Harville Hendrix’s books, and I bought it off her and bough other books off eBay after.
I recommend the above mentioned books as a starting point in your relationship. There are alot of other books out there. See which one you like and find useful.
All the very best.
MarieJuly 2nd, 2016 at 7:58 PM
I would love to share my story and how I am helping myself. We son similar.
swOctober 8th, 2012 at 9:18 PM
I have been reading all of your posts. I have to add to this, I have lived through abuse as a child, due to an alcoholic father. I have seen and heard things that no one, at any age, should go through. After the alcohol stopped, it was just…an anger…I, to this day, cannot trust anyone. None of my relationships have ever been…open. I have hidden sooo much inside, its too painful to relive, or even to tell my whole story to anyone, once you tell someone your fears, they can show it to you at any time. I feel like I am alone in this, anxiety all the time, panic attacks, social awkwardness, don’t have or even want close friends. I once brought home a letter from a friend from school,when my parents found it, I had the crap beat outta me. I wasnt allowed to share my feelings, when I looked upset or worried they assumed I was on drugs. I was sheltered my whole childhood, never had a date till I was 20, never got to go to prom, or homecoming, never been to a game or a concert, I m now 37, and traveling more than 30 miles from my home puts me in a panic. I need a rock, some sort of stability, a safe place, will I ever find it??????
DeeApril 10th, 2014 at 11:36 PM
Reading your post caused me so much pain. I’m crying because your story was my story. I’m married now and I don’t know how to explain to people what it was like growing up with the psychosis you witness with growing up with alcoholics. The mind games were the worst. Being blamed for things that weren’t my fault. It was torture. I can honestly say I went threw more pin than a haulocast victim. There were so many days I wish I died. If haulocast victims were given such beautiful way out why not me? Tomorrow I must start my perfect life all over again. I’ve got a great husband and beautiful child yet there my mightmarish memories than I carry with me like my second skin. I would do anything to have these memories erased. Anything.
Deborah PAugust 3rd, 2016 at 11:26 AM
I feel and think for me anyway that being a survivor of sexual, emotional and physical abuse has taught me that I am strong and can express my feelings artistically and poetically despite the abuser’s intention, which was to silence me and make me feel scared. Though I still suffer from feelings of shame and anxiety, I am proud to say that despite the abuse, I can go on, one day at a time, and enjoy being good to myself. Yes, relationships have been a struggle, whether with a man or a woman, but I am learning to love myself and my talents. Life for me at the present time … is a gift … not a torture. I hope I have been helpful to others.
WrickOctober 15th, 2012 at 3:29 PM
Thanks for the note and the book offers. I am researching these books.
In summary she has been physically abused and one time perhaps sexually approached by her step father.
If I say that I think it would be beneficial if she goes to therapists I am sure she would think that I somehow think she is not complete person and trying to find fault at her. She is extremely sensitive at this. Any small hint at her that she might be wrong will completely flare her up. This has reached such a stage that I would simply prefer to keep quiet and not talk at all. And this will keep on getting worse. And I would opt for ways out.
And to be honest she would be right many times or most of the times but the way she would react to any suggestion she might wrong is with lot of animosity ( to say it politely)
After sometime I would feel bad and then again talk to her and the cycle would repeat. This won’t take the relationship anywhere and frankly speaking I am more worried about her.
Can some more people come out and discussed how did they overcome their issues ( of course anonymously).
I am curious to know about the following items:
1. How was your relationship with friends. Were you successful in having/retaining many friends? Did you have to lie to your friends.
2. How did it affect your relationship? Did your boy friend or husband had to do anything special or more understanding. If you give some specific examples
3. Did you go to therapists at all and if yes what point of time you went.
4. What kind of therapists did you go? Is there any kind of specialized therapist? How do we find the one who is right for you.
I hoping more people will respond or point me to right discussion forum.
PatOctober 17th, 2012 at 8:11 AM
SW, your story breaks my heart and sounds so familiar to me. Sadly, I have no answers for you (or for myself) that will help us get over our trust issues and move forward. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way, you sound like you have phenomenal courage, and wherever you are, I’m sending you a huge hug. I’ll remember you in my prayers.
VeeOctober 29th, 2012 at 6:54 PM
In 2006, my ex-wife withheld my daughters passport in prevented me from taking here to the United States. An individual that lacked any since for child caring what so ever; after a Midwifrey at John R. Radcliffe fell to get you’re the nurse her own child. From the time I left England; my daughter live in filthy home ex-wife parents; domestic violence against myself the father and child, child not receiving immunization shot-overdue twice, hair just destroyed, corn and calluses on her feet, beetings, drugs around her etc…I have the Hague Convention violation, domestic assault, attempted kidnapping, child endangerment, lying under oath, not paying child support and stealing government property. Let not go into this gender crap. It is time to put things back in order; no mother or father has the right to remove neither parent from the child life. Judges have given our children to women based action of women like my grandmother. They took care of children and didn’t abuse them. It wasn’t about themselves and money which women uses children today. Note; like my grandmother and not my mother. My father raised me, like most men has for decades. Let’s not forget those fathers which raised your bastard children you had while sleeping around. It you whom used the continuous cry, “fathers not wanting to be a part or raising their children” are nothing but propaganda. Propaganda used to promote both civil rights violations and equal rights under the law in the right to ones child. Children in America are in trouble from being killed by mothers, their boyfriends, other children and the Judicial System. No one in America especially women should be proud of the problems our children faces today. Eventually, men will make a stand and put an end to it all; in order to save our children. Get off you high horses, Women have not done the job; “Little Girls are trying to be Little Boys” and “Little Boys are trying to be Little Girls.” This is what happens when you remove that male figure from the life of a child. American spend more time trying to make themselves look good to the World but if the World only knew how we look behind closed doors. People around the World looked up and toward America as a country to believe in and a place to go and get way from oppression. We live in an oppressed nation; we do it to ourselves and repeat it to our children. Support what is right for the children only and not for gender discrimination. This action needs to be put in place immediately in order to save our children from total destruction.
Michelle Carter-DouglassNovember 27th, 2012 at 10:12 PM
Tonight my heart beats for all in this world.
My heart beats for you tonight.
I am praying for those in pain this night.
I am praying for those that have been told lies.
Reader, Friend and those of the world, The Lord hears your cries.
Sigh . . .
I know what it means to love and to hate.
I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
If I could shelter you,
I would do it with pure love.
To anyone that has been hurt,
And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.
The tears from my soul begin to flow.
In this poem, I can heal my soul.
On this table have laid you down.
The tears from my soul oh how they flow.
In this poem, I can heal my soul.
In my hand I hold you close.
I know what it means to love and to hate.
I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
If I could shelter you,
I would do it with pure love.
To anyone that has been hurt,
And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.
A story in my class,
I so empathize.
To all the good mothers . . .
I give this shout!
Hold your babies close tonight.
Know I am doing the same.
A movie from my class,
I so empathize.
To all the great fathers . . .
I give this round of applause!
Hold your babies close tonight.
Know I am doing the same.
I know what it means to love and to hate.
I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
If I could shelter you,
I would do it with pure love.
To anyone that has been hurt,
And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.
King Paper, Queen Pen and my Almighty God,
Let it flow,
Let it flow,
Let it flow.
Shelter all that are hungry, hurt and cold.
Heal the hearts of those in anger and in lust.
My eyes now come to a close.
In Jesus Christ’s name Amen!!!
I understand what it means to be cold day and night.
If I could shelter you,
I would do it with pure love.
And emotionally—may God build you up spiritually.
Father God, in our Lord and Savior’s Name,
Jesus Christ builds them up!!!
vicanneDecember 1st, 2012 at 5:52 PM
SW, I’m just realizing that my sabotaging of my relationships is not simply bc i am messed up, but bc of a lot of physical and emotional abuse that I witnessed and experienced as a child and teen. I am now in a wonderful relationship with someone who recognizes that I have an issue (beyond my knowledge even) and has encouraged me to seek help. He loves and supports me and because of him I will finally, at 30 years old, address whatever issues I have been afraid to acknowledge. If I found this person, so will you. We have to take responsibility for our mistakes, but all need to understand that there may be things beyond us at work. You will find the person you love, and who loves you, and who understands that what you experienced as a child is not you fault. Pls contact me if anything. You deserve the love you want.
DFJune 8th, 2016 at 3:02 PM
I have been reading your comments, and is helping to understand how I can help and support my wife. She is a victim of child abuse and sexual abuse, and we face big challenges in our relationship. How Can i address things she says about herself such as: “I do not fit in this world”, “i do not want to search for approvals” , “If i did something wrong, I feel that I fail completely and cried” “i feel that I have forced to thing in my life that I do not want to”.
I love her so much, but I need some directions to help her even better. Thank you all. Love you all
JaneAugust 9th, 2016 at 12:57 PM
I was abused as a child. No one will believe me as he is loved by all and really he is a good man. But I find life hard , I lie a lot , I am afraid inside a lot but that side don’t show out to people. Everyone thinks I’m confident and out going. I can put on that smile. But my marriage is falling apart because I don’t no who the real me is and it is pulling us apart. We don’t talk much anymore just get through the day . i don’t want to hurt anyone in the family by telling what happened.
AyoDecember 10th, 2012 at 11:43 PM
To SW, try god, u may find the answer there.
CPJuly 5th, 2013 at 6:50 AM
I thought I was strong all these years and now I find out that I am BPD because of the abuse in my life. When I was 7 years old my dad locked me in a trailer and set it on fire. At 30 I am getting nightmares … Mine was an extreme but lot’s of people go through worse and don’t come out with this disorder. It’s very difficult to have to endure a positive life after wards.
kelseyJuly 12th, 2014 at 1:05 AM
So sorry this happened to you I cant imagine how horrible that was and I hope the best for you, nobody should be doing what your dad did! I hope you find peace as I try to do the same
cssOctober 11th, 2013 at 2:42 PM
I am currently heartbroken at age fifty my partner is at breaking point he is disabled and says he can’t take any more “trauma stories” he has even said he has begun to hate me due to what has happened to me- I represent misery to him. This all compounded by my making bad choices through my physical mental emotional and (minor sexual abuse too, I felt terrible because I could not prevent my sisters abuse by an old man) neglect dreadful abuse by my druggy alcohol fueled mother, numerous boyfriends and then bombshell – my daughters (one my stepdaughter) were both abused and I found out during my relationship with my partner that my birth daughter had been too and kept it to herself for 9 years… age 8/9 by my brothers best friend- plus raped at the funfair age 14 on her first “grownup” outing with her female friends 600 yards from our home. My anxiety and lack of motivation and ambition has made him feel like he is going crazy… I think I may not be able to save this relationship and I so desperately want to, I am a talented artist and singer and so many other things too but I just find it so hard he has started saying very mean things- I also had glandular fever last year too but he has done so much for my family but now says he cant deal with “your lot” my sister had a double mastectomy, his Mother an amazing woman (from an alcoholic family) died of cancer 5 years ago.. I am in therapy and the therapist thinks he is being very mean to me.. I can see both sides, and why with nerve damage he is finding it dreadful…wow I so feel like finding my daughters abusers and getting revenge but I know that would do no good. great ruining another relationship thanks abusers, thanks Mum!
DebraJanuary 2nd, 2014 at 9:28 PM
There is no amount of therapy that can heal what so many of us have been through. I’ve spent years in therapy. It’s done nothing to help me heal and be able to form a true connection with someone. You can’t tell someone everything you’ve been through and even expect them to stay around. In fact I’ve found the only ones who stay are the other sick people who in the end use and abuse you also. They throw back all that you’ve told them back in your face and use it against you. I’m almost 48 years old and still wake up screaming and fighting in my sleep. The abuser left but the abuse in my mind goes on and on and on. I CAN’T ESCAPE the night terrors where I relive my past. It’s a cancer that has been eating away at me since the day I left my parents house at 18. Child abuse is an incureable cancer you give to a child. It eats away at your mind your soul your heart. No one but us(the abused) will ever really understand the everlasting effects. No one! I thought at 18 when I left my parents home that I would be free. But there is NO FREEDOM. I can’t escape the jail they put me in. It just never goes away. I’m stuck. I will stay stuck until I draw my last breath on this earth.
GoodTherapy.org SupportJanuary 3rd, 2014 at 12:15 PM
Thank you for your comment, Debra. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
MignonJanuary 11th, 2014 at 4:05 AM
Hey Debra, I get what your saying.
AmyApril 11th, 2014 at 6:44 AM
I hear ya girl.I hear you.
AmiJuly 12th, 2014 at 10:56 PM
I agree. The abuse we experience never leaves our minds. The after-effects always make us re-examine the abuse and its impact on our daily lives.
It is like a cancer of the mind. I try to meditate all the time.. But thatch just be a diversion to cope and not the right way to forgive and forget. I understand what you are going through as my cousin molested me repeatedly at age 8. My parents didn’t believe me and I had to suffer in silence for 25 yrs. I married a bad man who abused me as well and left him and fled the state to come back. I confided in a stranger at the gym who became my best friend and gave me strength to confront the issue to my parents and eventually confront my attacker, however the torture of anxiety, depression, self-blame, dissociation from body, control issues, nightmares, and suicide are daily issues for me. I have to train myself to look people in the eyes because I know it was not my fault but felt it was because my parents told me to keep my mouth shut. I am now 32 and afraid to get involved with anyone. Debra may God keep you strong as I know it takes a lot of will to keep going. You are not alone and others feel your pain.
NicolaFebruary 1st, 2014 at 7:31 AM
I am 40 and was molested by my father between the ages of 12 and 14. I tried to tell my mother after the first time it happened but she believed him then he punished me for lieing by taking a belt to my bare backside 24 times and then he continued molesting and belting me for 2 years until i told my mum again and she believed me. I havent seen him since. I have never had a good relationship. I have a teenage son and was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with his father. Since then i haven’t had a serious relationship although i would love a partner i bail out after 2 dates at the most. I had counselling in my mid thirties and i think it did help as i no longer dwell on the abuse and i have slightly more confidence i am just incapable of a relationship although i crave one!
KarenFebruary 6th, 2014 at 6:44 AM
I can totally relate to you Debra. My father was abusing me and my sister(half sister from my mother’s side) from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I was in foster homes until I was 6 and then he returned to take me to meet my new mother, it was just him and I on the trip from Oregon to Texas and that first night in the hotel room he started with the abuse again and it continued until I was 12 years old. Then to top it off my stepmother would beat me, she would hit me wherever she could grabbing my wrist and digging her nails into them, I still have scars to this day and I’m in my 50’s. My half sister (this one from my stepmother) was never abused (or so she claims) but we were often locked up in our rooms and one time it was up to a year, only allowed out to go to school. We never said anything to anyone because we were ashamed and thought it was our fault. As an adult though I soon learned to never tell anyone about what happened, I made the mistake of telling my first husband and he never was the same towards me and we divorced a few years later, I’ve never been able to have a good relationship with men and I’m single right now and I don’t date or go out. I stay at home and keep to myself. My abuser died this last November and I feel nothing for him and yet people in my life say things like “well he was human and it is kind of sad”, they think I should feel sad that he died and that I should show him more respect? I can’t do that. I could write a huge book of all the abuses I went through, just not enough room here to do that but this is just a little bit of it. I want you to know there are a lot of us out there and it’s true that only someone who has gone through the same thing can understand.
AmyApril 11th, 2014 at 7:25 AM
My father was my abuser. Many people ask me why don’t you get along with your dad? Oh just try hrs your father…they think im holding some petty grudge or im being immature. Until I was 30 I felt obligated to have ties with him. I realized these people don’t have a clue. My 6 year old at the time, and his dad thought I was being mean and didn’t know why I didn’t. Like Grampa. that was until that was until he came to visit unaccounted or invited and he had a complete episode. , getting physically violent with us in public. When it was over my 6 year old put his arm around me and said “I understand now what it was like growing up with your dad” he has never ever asked about my dad again. He stopped calling him grandpa and calls him by his first name. Wants nothing to do with him
my son’s father has not ever once said anything either, and no longer sees me as holding a grudge but rather protecting us from an unhealthy man. When people start in with the guilt trips they place on me that are really about their family issues and say “was it really that bad?” “Why dont you forgive and talk to your dad”? I tell them a little reality. Well would you forgive a man that knocked your tooth out by slamming you into a bed post or tossed you down a flight of stairs? How about one that hit you upside the head constantly…pulled your hair out,…or touched you in your sleep. Where you learned how to get dressed with not getting naked or wore a bathing suite in the shower as the only defense to a man who was mentally ill sick and twisted and demanded he watch you change??? They shut up pretty quick and that’s the end of it. Im thankful that this abuse happened between 7-14 then the state took custody away. Before I was with healthy grandparents. I know that what I went through wasn’t nearly as bad as what others endured. Its painful and hard to deal with…be strong. Its okay to not care, or feel anything toward your abuser. .you dont owe them anything ever. No matter what.
StephenFebruary 9th, 2014 at 6:39 AM
Your story is very sad and i feel for you being a husband whos wife was abused as a child. As a husband my wife fails to open up to her truama and seek help and in the end her pain is reflected back to me and my children. For someone like me who has experienced it in my relationship we do want to help. I dont beleive your comments that the ones who stick around are the sick people that abuse you infact they are the ones that truely love you. You need to understand also how difficult it is to live with someone you love who lives daily with this past truama. The depression, anxiety, abuse and rage that have also impacted my children.
As a husband i dont have solution but to continue to love and support my wife however there will come a time that i will need to protect myself and my family.
StephenFebruary 9th, 2014 at 6:48 AM
Also you can openely tell someone what you have been through especially in a married relationship afterall they love you and want to help! Its your insecurity that tells you they will throw it back in your face. Weare all humanbeings with empathy and understand it is difficult fo you but is it worth losing they people that really love you and care. Dont bring this to your death bed embrace it and seek help and allow loved ones to help.
veronicaJune 24th, 2014 at 8:56 AM
@stephen thats not true at your reply if you tell your spouse or loved ones they will support you and try to help you. My husband knows that certain songs make me uncomfortable because they were the songs played during my abuse. And he sings them whenever they come on. Ive told him please dont sing those songs and he gets louder! Also some family would rather ignore your exsistance than welcome you into the family fold because of the past abuse like my family. They think if im out of their reality than it never happened. So going to family or loved ones for support is sometimes not an option. Ive found talking to complete strangers about abuse is more supportive than your closest relationships.
SheltzyFebruary 23rd, 2014 at 2:14 PM
Reading all of your comments makes me wonder if any of you have any thoughts about how raising children has affected you. I was raised by two parents who were from abusive childhoods. Dad was psychologically tormented by a drunk and physically abused. Mom was sexually, verbally, physically abused. No one ever owned up to it but the family fights were rampant all growing up. The first generation of cousins were around back then, we remember it. Most of the after effects were coming from my mom’s side of the family. My dad’s side just continued the manipulation, so we just stayed away, made up, stayed away, made up. That pattern also happened a lot on my mom’s side but the fighting was what I remember the most. My mom was in therapy for most of my life. I was raised while she was on it. She suffered physically from the tremendous amount of stress with headaches and panic attacks. I was in rounds of therapy and in school counseling. My brother and two of my cousins were also abused sexually by one of my uncles. I was never touched. I was saved. That was my mom’s plan. I look back now and never blamed her and look at her as incredibly strong! She can’t find it in herself to see that strength. She married a man who holds her past as a way to control her. He has a very controlling nature and uses his Will to control the family much like his dad did in his later years. But I realize my dad is a victim of his childhood, too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise kids, not trusting yourself after what was done to you and praying to God that they turn out ok. God bless all of you! Sincerely!
BrandiFebruary 25th, 2014 at 6:40 PM
I have been going through mental & physical abuse as long as I can remember. I’m 21 years old, and I live with my dad right now, and he’s the one that’s doing this. I don’t think that I could ever leave him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve just lost hope.
Liz SApril 2nd, 2014 at 7:26 PM
I’m 30 now. My dad abused me since i was at least 6 years old. He passed away when I was 24. I’m in therapy now and am so happy he’s dead. He always tried controlling me even after I moved onto other things with my life. My mom was controlled by him as well even after the divorce… which took place when I was between 5 and 8.
My mom allowed me to be sexually assaulted by a man 35 or so Years older than me.
Until therapy, I never could objectively see how my life was. Brain spotting or EMDR has been a great tool and I recommend it to anyone.
Anyways I’m writing today to say after years of abuse by parents, the many rapes I had been thru, the violence, etc. Things can change but you gotta be strong.
Somehow I’ve met a wonderful loving man who is kind and open enough to help me thru this. I only wish others can believe things can change for them. I never thought this sort of thing existed, but so happy I found it.
Much love and light to you all..
janeOctober 2nd, 2014 at 3:26 PM
Brandi after reading all these heart wrenching tales l was gonna share mine but you are still going through itvl am now 55 and a big woman with children who are successful and free Please leave now run away go anywhere sort thecrest out later please make yourself safe dont worry about what the future holds just get somewhere safe and sleep at night l send you much love darling child you deserve a happy life start today by leaving the monster behind stay safe xx
StephenFebruary 28th, 2014 at 12:36 AM
The key in a realtionship where you are supporting a survivor is openeness not denial of the past childhood abuse. I was unfortunate my partner told me after we had children and then just shut it down. I wanted to help so much but she would never open up or work through therapy. Instead when her truama triggered later in life she mainfested me as her abuser and in end we all became the victims of her truama.
Brandi i have just read your comments and my advise is to leave gain support through friends, family or services in your area. You need to get out get help and heal there is no shame and always remember it is not YOUR FAULT.
AmyApril 11th, 2014 at 6:34 AM
The thing is… I come from abuse…its hard to tell someone. Hard to tell your lover or partner. Many people don’t want to deal with it, and will leave you. Its vulnerable to open up like that because the sad reality is most people will just look at you and your wounds and be disgusted and walk away which adds more damage.
fredApril 3rd, 2014 at 11:31 AM
I’ve just read these and it breaks my heart. I suffered abuse until I left home at 18. I married a woman that had been raped as a 7yr old girl. She had sex with over 20 men before I met her. She refused to believe that the rape actually happened. After 28yrs of marriage. She started cheating with other men. She blamed me for everything that was wrong with her. She labeled me as her abuser. Before I read this page. I hated her and what she has done. Now, I pray that she gets the help she needs to confront her problems. And I still love her.
Dawn W.April 26th, 2014 at 8:01 AM
My abuse as had a terrible affect on my current relationship. It makes me feel dirty to have any type of contact with him that I didn’t initiate and then it makes me feel unwanted that he doesn’t initiate contact.It makes me feel even worse to finally have some interaction with him and then to hear my stepdad in the background. It’s made me hate anyone who even makes similar sounds as my stepdad, making me seem like a brat because I get so irrate when some sucks snot back up their nose or has a smoker’s cough. The worst part about it is even though my mom knows and he’s dropped my sister on her head at least twenty times, and I’m not using hyperbole, she lets her be alone with him for most of the day even as she shows signs of abusive behavior such as crying when their alone together and severe overattachment. The worst part is he doesn’t remember and my mother believes he was possessed when he molested me. She claims it wasn’t even that bad because their was no penetration but it’s left me extremely uncomfortable with my current relationship now that we’ve had sex. I’m with quite possibly the most loyal and attentive person in the world but I still feel used. He’ll ask me repeatedly if I’m sure I want to do something and repeatedly tell me he only wants to do what I’m comfortable with but now that I lost my virginity to him I feel I don’t have the right to say no so I pretend to enjoy it. Usually he can tell I don’t really want to and he’ll just keep asking me what’s wrong and hold me and it makes me feel like I’m wasting his time. My body won’t even have an aroused response it bothers me so much. I feel bad because everyone talks about how great my abuser is, even my mother who calls him her soulmate and deticates every romantic or ‘good man’ song to him, even as he’s let our house fall into complete disarray. The only person who doesn’t like him is my boyfriend who works trying to save enough money to get me an apartment for Even as it’s been to years I still feel ashamed of my sexual history and the fact that I hate this ‘great man’. My mom tells me how horrible I am for feeling this way and wants me to stay in the house for as long as possible but I really can’t even function normally here as it is. I really just want to save my current relationship but I feel like I may as well kill myself because I can never truly trust my boyfriend really cares about me no matter what he does to prove it to me.
kelseyJuly 12th, 2014 at 12:39 AM
Hi Dawn, I am so sorry your step dad raped you. Your living situation seems to be unhealthy and Im sure you are desperate to escape that hell but dont take your life. I had to live with and see my abuser also and I am now living in a different town. You should definetly consider taking the help from the website that the people provided you here. What he did to you is not your fault and time will help heal the hurt, guilt, anger, etc. Please get help
GT SupportApril 26th, 2014 at 10:23 AM
Thank you for your comment, Dawn. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Shala HMay 15th, 2014 at 1:20 PM
I certainly understand what everyone has been saying. Happened to me too (why bother with details, you’ve heard it before). I have a few suggestions for tools that could be of use though they’re not a panacea for everything or without work or without perhaps limits. They are EMDR, faster eft, eft (emotional freedom technique) and pstec. All can be googled and are free. I searched years to find these. And they have helped a great deal and I was so overjoyed to have something that worked, something that gave ME control. What I’ve run up against now is my own limits to ‘fix’ things. I feel this is where I’m supposed to reestablish a relationship with God but just don’t know how. I use the tapping (eft/ faster eft) daily and it’s helped me deal with the pain and not physically hurt myself. But I’m tired, I can’t work on EVERY SINGLE THING from my past, and now I don’t want to. I just want God to handle it so I can move on. I just feel so depressed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.
James W.July 5th, 2014 at 6:29 AM
These stories are so sad, moving in many cases, distressing. I cannot imagine what this feels like to go through.
I have just started dating a woman who told me right at the outset about her abuse. At the time, I respected her decision not to tell me more than bare facts. She was raped aged 10, and kept it secret…I don’t know who did this, and haven’t asked. Then, ten years later, it happened again at the hands if someone else, and she then told her family about both events. She has since been involved in self abuse by cutting, promiscuity, occasional prostitution etc…
Anyway, I left my marriage for this person and we have an incredible and intense attraction for each other. Sex is what I always imagined it could be; loving, intense, wild. I feel like I am in love with her, and she says the same. She wants us to live together.
She has had lots of counselling, and seems to have quite a strict regime if dealing with her insecurities that seems to work very well for her. I am scared though. Scared that if I encourage her to open up, to trust me more, that I will jeopardise her hard won sanity just because I “want to help”. I feel that she is emotionally distant with me sometimes, as if she regresses to the age her abuse happened…almost child like, as if it is a game of some sort. I have two children by my marriage and she wants to have children with me too, but this also makes me scared. Not sure if anyone here has any advice, and I feel almost silly asking this when there are so many tragic stories here…should I encourage her to open up, or will that wreck everything?
LGWJuly 25th, 2014 at 3:48 AM
You both need to be very honest and upfront with one another. You have every right to be a little worried and concerned. Proceed with caution. I say this as a woman who sounds similar to your partner. If your partner has not addressed her issues through counseling, a pastor, or with some sort of insight, there may be future problems. Past sexual abuse is a huge issue and can wreck havoc on the person it happened to as well as all of their relationships.
My situation with my husband sounds similar to yours. I was sexually abused as a child and very promiscuous. The attraction between my husband and I was very wild and intense, sex was absolutely amazing in the beginning, however due to my problems such as later being emotionally distant, cold, not achieving arousal in normal healthy ways, our sex life took a turn for the worst. I will tell you I would have never thought sex would have ever been an issue between us. Now my marriage is falling apart and my husband is vocalizing wanting to go outside our bed or bring someone to our bed for fulfillment. Lots of bad, hurt feelings on both sides here.
My advice to you is to take it slow. Attend pre marriage counseling through a church or a counselor. Read up on sexual abuse and the toll it takes on people who it occurs to. Arm yourself with knowledge so you know what challenges may lay ahead and if you are willing to take them on. God bless.
anonymousJuly 11th, 2014 at 4:52 AM
It’s good to know that I’m not the only person who has been through a lot, my mum and dad have been divorced since I can remember, from 13-16 years I was abused by my father who isn’t even an alcoholic just a sick man. Sick in the head, told my mum about it she believed me and he denied,yet there was no response about it,at age 16 God helped me because I paSsed my exams and went off to college. I never returned home till about 4 years when I was mature enough to face the monster and my college was in the same small town.. but the abuse gave me a lot of issues,I was a chronic marijuana smoker for about 5 years. It really helped me to forget the past,most of the memory of my childhood has been wiped out, what people really need is something to make them forget,nd also the faith to forgive the abuser realising that their life is a hundred times more pathetic than the victims wish them death just move on, now I’m 25 and I have a good engagement,my partner knows all about the abuse and loves me without doubts, I’ve learnt that you can only move on in life and forget all about the drama if you forgive.
LrJuly 14th, 2014 at 4:59 AM
I am 46 years old and have suffered abuse as a child. I unfortunately now am only starting to see that this is causing havoc in my life. I have anxiety, depression and other conditions. I live alone, it’s the only way I can feel safe. But yet I still don’t feel safe living alone. I spend a lot of time on my own or sleeping, but a little bit of time with say one friend, who is also a victim of abuse. I dream of a normal relationship with a man, but they just take advantage and use, abuse me and leave. I have never had a normal relationship…. ever! I currently have been taken advantage/used/abused by my Physiotherapist, while in therapy and who I have fallen for and don’t want to leave. But he will leave me, they always do. I have constantly searched for a normal love from a man, but it never happens, I seem to be attracted to or end up with abusers and even the abusers don’t stick with me. I feel so angry that my life is like this, I wish I was dead most of the time. I’ve had counselling on and off for many years, but everything remains the same. I feel no matter how I try my demons, inability to trust, fear, anxiety, bad judgement etc will always be there and haunt me. I’m sick of hoping life will get better, when I know it won’t. I hate my life.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamJuly 14th, 2014 at 8:44 AM
Thank you for your comment, Lr. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
LrJuly 16th, 2014 at 5:25 AM
Thank you for replying to my comment. I really appreciate it. Oxox
katAugust 5th, 2014 at 8:43 AM
your post I just wanted to write you and tell you that you are loved. someone once told me that you have to give yourself what you haven’t gotten from other people. Healing is a life journey and I wish you healing love. the problem with being abused is that we never learn how to stand up for yourself we never learn the proper boundaries so it starts with yourself learn proper boundaries with yourself and you will emanate you will raise your vibration and attract love and healing. currently I’m having to go back to the people that abused me to help me move forward with this time around I will not be victimized and I will look in them straight in the eyes and they will know. They can not hurt me anymore
Toni S.August 23rd, 2014 at 8:44 AM
Hi! I understand your concerns as I am a 46 year old female suffered and am suffering from physical, abuse and neglect and have since I was born. It makes things very difficult when you have an handicapped brother or sister and they get all the attention and everything bought for them.
My parents are evil, mean, nasty and cruel. They way they bought me up. I feel totallt ashamed of them as they are irrisponsable and cannot cope. I do think that if a parents up bringing is bad and they had a bad child hood, then people like yourself and I would be bought up that way. Believe me! You end up suffering from servere depression and anxiety and learning difficulties as the thought of things plays up on your mind and it destroys you.
They have always been very jealous of me and dont want to see me with good things.
I just want to move away from the area and that way they wont keep pestering me and spying on me.
I feel like ending myself.
August 23rd, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Toni. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Toni SAugust 23rd, 2014 at 8:53 AM
Hi! I understand your concerns as I am a 46 year old female suffered and am suffering from physical, abuse and neglect and have since I was born. It makes things very difficult when you have an handicapped brother or sister and they get all the attention and everything bought for them.
My parents are evil, mean, nasty and cruel. They way they bought me up. I feel totallt ashamed of them as they are irrisponsable and cannot cope. I do think that if a parents up bringing is bad and they had a bad child hood, then people like yourself and I would be bought up that way. Believe me! You end up suffering from servere depression and anxiety and learning difficulties as the thought of things plays up on your mind and it destroys you.
They have always been very jealous of me and dont want to see me with good things.
I just want to move away from the area and that way they wont keep pestering me and spying on me.
I feel like ending myself.
August 23rd, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Toni. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AngelJuly 16th, 2014 at 8:54 PM
Four days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after a four year relationship because we’ve never had sex on a regular basis. I’ve tried clinical trials and took mystery medications, spent thousands of dollars on trauma-specific therapy, only to come back to square one. I would have the mindset for sex but my body would react differently, leaving my ex feeling like he’s some kind of pervert. After about 3 years of that he decided he wasn’t happy anymore because the sexual abuse I went through as a kid is bigger than the relationship. This has been very hard for me these last few days. Children will be impacted by our separation. My heart is broken and I feel like I’m never going to be in a healthy sexual relationship because no man will want me once he finds out my intimacy issues. This is rough and I’m really sad that my past has ruined my relationship
lisaJuly 22nd, 2014 at 11:44 AM
Hi I’ve been dealing with my emotional childhood abuse my whole 50 years of life. My mother was never in my life she always stayed away. My father was very abusive to her me and my siblings. I really don’t remember most of my childhood. I have had flash backs over aging in my life as a child. Not good ones. Just hurtful flash backs. My father took us for my mother when I was very young. I was placed in a froster home with oddest sister. My father would come visit us there I remember him coming often to visit. I would always cry asking him can we go with him but he always told me no he didn’t known how to take care of girls. I had brothers i didn’t known I had until later on we went to the same school I didn’t known they were my brothers. My father was very mean and a very unloving father. As me my sister came up for adoption my father came and took us home to his house after all those years I cried and hated him for leaving us there for so many years he brought us to live with him and my brothers. And I finally found out way my father never came to get me and my sister my father was a pimp selling woman on the street these women weren’t that much older then my oldest sister. I really hated my father because he took us from my mother whom I never got to known she died when i was 13 my father didn’t let us go to her funeral he told us we didn’t known her when she was alive so we couldn’t go I was so confused and lost at that time all this time we had a mother and she wasn’t there for us. My father never talked about my mother I didn’t known I had one. My father was very abusive he would beat us and his woman he prostituted my father never told us he loved us my father died two years after my died he was killed on his motorcycle i was happy. But as I became grow started having relationships with men I was confused hurt and lost because I started looking for Love in all the wrong me. They didn’t want me they just want to have sex I thought having sex was love only to find out it wasn’t. I have children I never wanted but God known me having children would be the only thing that would ever be good for me. I got married my husband was never there for me and my children. My husband gave me Hiv. I’ve been positive for 24 years it has emotional hell for me I can’t trust anyone I’m aloner i have had bad unhealthy relationship because I thought I would never be in a relationships ever. Over the years I have meet some great men but I don’t feel happy I can’t give my all or my heart to a man I think I’m broken because I don’t known how to receive love. I show love I don’t really tell people I love them only my children and my siblings. I’m in a relationship now I’m not happy with him he’s a good guy we argue from time to time I loose trust in are relationship we argue. I care about him I dont love him like I use to we’ve been together 7 months. I don’t known what’s wrong with me. I stay depressed I’ve always have stuffed from depression since I wad a kid. I’ve talk to a counselor before but all I did was talk to them and I’ve moved on in life to find myself at 50 with trust issues and I can’t receive love. My life has been crazy. I love myself totally I dont let no one in my personal life I’m very private. I known I have issues but I don’t known were to start to fix my life aging.
JonJuly 24th, 2014 at 5:19 AM
Hi I am 30 and my wife is 28 we have 3 children together and are mostly a happy family and I am sure my wife Deos love me we have been married 10 years now but 5 years ago she told her sister that a close family friend has abused her as a child of 9/10 he was prosocuted and pleaded guilty my wife never told me anything except it happened she won’t speak of it and thinks it hasn’t affected her but am not sure over the past 10 years there as been a few occasions that I am sure she has cheated I tell my self am been paranoid and she denies it but I know in my heart she has done it but I just put it to the back of my head and things return to normal untill something random happens again I am sure she loves me so I don’t get why? we have an ok sex life (well for having 3kids anyway) and she orgasms most of the time I wanted to know more about the affects of abuse and came across the promiscuous thing and that really seems to fit although she would never admit there’s a problem I don’t no what to do although a proberley could just put up with it as it’s only every cpl year I hate the thought of lads using her for sex after what she has been through and her not relising she is doing it because of her past we have never really spoke about it I don’t think she wants me to know anything about it I would do anything for her and love her so much but she would never ever admit even cheating but we both know that I know in my heart anyway if a thought she didn’t love me I would leave her and I would never suspect her when she was sobar it’s always when she is mortal drunk. Apart from this she is a great mam and wife she is kind, caring, beautifull, smart she would do anything for me are our kids and I love her more than life as I write this the tears are rolling down my face because I don’t want to loose her I just don’t no what to do to save our marrige before it’s too late
HelenJuly 24th, 2014 at 6:32 AM
Hello jon it broke my heart to read your story you sound like a loving caring husband and your wife is a very lucky lady. Although it is extremly common for victims of abuse ( especially females) to be more promiscuous in life and this affects a lot of woman’s relshonships it is good you love and care enough to try and help her but first she really needs to admit she has a problem she may not want to talk to you about it because a lot of abuse victims are ashamed even tho it’s not their fault. A lot of men would have ended the relshonship after the first sign of infidelity and this can lead to a lot of abuse victims to go through a lot of relashonships in life. But you really need to speak to her and try and get her to try short term counciling this Deos help a lot of people come to terms with what’s happend and reassures them it was not her fault, failing that you could try talk to her yourself and get her to open up to you but she needs to know it wasn’t her fault and she should not let the b****** affect you marige anymore.
Make sure she knows you love her for her and not sex as some victims think that’s all men want them for. Sometimes the reason abuse victims feel the need to be promiscuous is a way of taking back controll from the abuser and nothing to do with sex at all I hope you wife opens up and gets the help she needs for the sake of your family.
Hope this helps
SthomasJuly 30th, 2014 at 6:30 PM
It broke my heart to read this because it reminds me so much of my relationship . I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. Fell I. Love from the start. She had a drug and drinking problem in the beginning that I didn’t know about till about 6 month. That got out of control and just before I was going to leave she went to treatment and quit drinking. The only problem was she was right back to the drugs the day she got out. I know in that time she cheated. I guess I just don’t want to believe it. Kills me to think of her with someone else. I tear up if I think about it. She slowly worked off the drugs but I still believe she has cheated and may still be. I tries to get her to at least tell me about the drugs and cheating but denies it all. I am afraid she won’t talk because she is keeping the other perso. For a back up. I believe it was someone she was partying with before we met. She is very crafty because I have never been able to find any drugs pipes etc. just the burns in the carpet and the smell etc. could not prove it on that. Bxo much has happened I could go on forever but reAlly need to talk to someone who is going thru the same thing. Anyway her dad is going in hospice and she goes to see him. I don’t understand why if he hurt her so bad. She doesn’t cry and doesn’t go to see him a lot but she still goes. Just wanted to say u r not alone. Glad I found this and I will be back. Hope I made sense. She is on her way here. I’ll be back on soon
MarcusAugust 11th, 2014 at 1:21 AM
I know exactly what your going through! Prayers my brother prayers!
karman JJuly 31st, 2014 at 9:24 PM
I am 31 years old I was molested by my grandpa from as early as I can remember until I was 13 years old. It started off as him just fondling me and asking me if I wanted to play. He obviously always told me not to tell on him. He would tell me if I didn’t let him do it to me he would do it to my cousin. I never told on him until my little sisters were going to go stay the night and I told my mom no they’re not.. that’s when it all came out. My mom had even walked in the garage one day and grandpas pants were unzipped my mom asked me and I told her nothing. I have already been married and divorced once. I’m married again. I love my husband more than anything but I have so many problems and always have. I’m scared of the dark and I’m sure I always will be and its not the dark that’s the problem its what will happen to me in the dark. I have trust issues esp with men. I refuse to ever get undressed in front of anyone and am uncomfortable being touched. I have flash backs and anxiety. I have been through consoling but always figured what did they really care they just want my money. I can now talk about it and it helps. My husband thankfully is very supportive. I don’t know what I would do without him. I will always have problems and I will continue to live with them for the rest of my life.
jdSeptember 9th, 2014 at 6:46 AM
Hi please don’t say that,stop cursing yourself. You are what you say you are, the power it’s in your tongue. It is your choice to choose right by solving whatever past issues you have.I believe every problem has a solution,talking to people you trust or going for cancelling I think will help. I am praying for you please stay strong and positive. God loves you
AnitaAugust 3rd, 2014 at 8:40 AM
I just hurt so much. I have family, but I don’t. I live 4000 miles away. I moved to become someone I wasn’t raised to be. What thought would be a better life for my kids, seems too be even more painful then my own. I grew-up physically and sexually abused, without a father and a mentally uncapaiable mother in and out of homes until, I bucked the system at 16. I stayed with family but was raped by a cousin. I’ve never told. Now married 15 yrs my husband only knows parts of the story; the reason I don’t tell him more is b/c he uses it to hurt me. When he’s mad he did hit me. I think he hated that he went to college and had a silver spoon with its own set of problems, I finished 10th grade and was able to reinvent myself to a near six figure income for 10 yrs. until I was downsized recently. Anyway, I digress…. I don’t really know my real dad as in the 70s I was to be aborted but mom choose too keep me; my husband calls me a waste of air, a cancer on society, he really takes it to another level. He ruins everything that makes me feel good, even holidays. He tells me and my kids I’m a piece of crap mother. I stoped fighting back bc the kids are older. My daughter blames us both, when I say honey I’m silent, she can’t just blame her dad….. Anyway, I’m scared, I’m so alone, I don’t trust, I cry so much, I hate this man but I can’t leave and I don’t know why …. I thought this morning as he was verbally attacking me about allow our son go to a different “type” of church, this man gave me the most precious gifts a women or mother cld ever desire. Yet, he has destroyed my soul and taken away every precious thought, emotion or desire I’ve have ever had. I don’t know how to save myself without losing my children. I pray, but it doesn’t help, I’m medicated after my company downsize but the daily make me dinner, clean this house, is something I combat. I don’t like being called lazy when I try, so why try….. I must sound so hopeless, I know I feel it. Thank you for just letting me write, the pain has been to much to bare alone.
August 3rd, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Anita. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
MelanieAugust 3rd, 2014 at 11:37 PM
I discover that my husband is a child abuse survivor after 10 years. All throughout of our life I already sense and seen so many red flag and mental behavior, but can’t really have a one on one discussion with him as he is extremely good of lies. I catch him in so much register porn website and have been cheating with me with men and women. My life is a hell. I’d like opinion of people who have the same of mine, I’ve read a lot of blog and mostly the it’s ended them into divorce. I told my husband the same that I’ll gonna file a divorce. But he keep on begging chances to believe him. That he will change. I ask him, how would I trust you when you betrayed me so many times and I keep on hearing the same apology, sentences and phrases over and over again. Repeating it more than my hears could listen. How would he change when he don’t acknowledge. He say to me at once he will die with his secret. I fully understand that I need to get out with his life but again and again, he say, his now willing to change but I still facing lies and denial from him. It’s hard to hope. Please advise?
liviaAugust 13th, 2014 at 11:22 PM
I currently have seperated and am beginning divorce precedings from my husband of 19 years. Growing up in an abusive and fatherless child hood I suffered from low self esteem and did not have many friends. I met my husband in college and got into a serious relationship with him my senior year. For years there have been questionable emails, text and phone calls that he considtently lies about or the stories he tells are never consistent. He has also been very emotionally abusive to me, cursing me out, calling me deragatory names and making me stand outside his athletic events for multiple hours while pregnant and swelling. We currently work at the same job and although seperated he has relationships on the job and our two kids attend child care there as well. He has had relationships on his job in the past while we were together. Trying to break the dysfunctionalism I grew up in, I had to finally make a decision to get out of the marriage and work on myself. Its been a year now since I moved out. Althougj I have hard emotional days going through the healing process I have more peaceful and happy days then I had with him.
katAugust 5th, 2014 at 8:55 AM
hello everybody. I am 47 years old and for the first time in my life I’m actually realizing that I was abused. I was beat for holding my fork wrong, as I get told that I’m never going to have friends because the way my voice sounded, my dad hit me so hard that I couldn’t swim for like 6 months. the way that my dad basically used to hit me with the grab me by my hair and fling me around on the ground and start kicking me. This happened regularly. I remember when I was 21 I came home and I was a little past my curfew and my dad jumped out of bed and started beating me and my mom joined in I just remember I was in a fetal position on the ground telling them how much I love them. My life was in total denial n I pushed to the side my mom and dad said don’t look at the past they kept telling me, so started smoking marijuana to cope. fast forward 20 years and now drug free and sober and now realizing that I wish I never let so much go unhealed. by ignoring my past and playing the victim I only empowered them to this day keep trying to abuse me. I finally stood my ground and they didn’t like it but it was the most inspiring thing I ever did. the hardest part was learning to love myself it took a lot a lot a lot of soul searching. still on a journey of living and learning to love myself and I still have days where I doubt that I’ll never be loved anybody will ever love me. I will continue on this journey and I wish everybody love and healing
portiaAugust 7th, 2014 at 7:19 AM
I was sexually abused by my brother from age 5 till age 10. I woukd cry myself to sleep every night, begging God to kill me in my sleep. I suffered from extreme depression and obesity. My parents divorced when I was 7 and we got stuck with my dad. My brother would throw me into walks and verbally attack me, when he wasn’t raping me. I was under constant attack, especially from everybody(peers, teachers, siblings, strangers, and my father) calling me fat. I have suffered from bulimia for over 10 years now, and was never given the necessary help; even when I begged for it. I was forced to testify to a female police officer who told me it was my fault. Now i have survived an abusive first marriage and am having troubles with promiscouity. My boss has been fondling and groping me for two years and i never saw anything wrong with it. in fact, i have enjoyed it and have been fighting my urge to sleep with him. i am married with 2 kids and do not want to cheat on my husband again. i just can’t seem to help it; a guy flirts with me and i want to sleep with him. i hate my body and my mind is warped. i feel like i can’t think rationally.
LizAugust 9th, 2014 at 4:58 AM
My earliest memory of my dad was when he left for Vietnam. I was 6. My mom cried incessantly, saying, “He’ll be back, he’ll be back” yet crying so uncontrollably that it made no sense.
Next memory of my dad I have is when I was in 5th grade. He stood in the front door of our house and told my mom he was leaving. He was going back to his hometown to go back into business with his father and she could come if she wanted to. This was at the end of them spending a year in “Bible college”.
Next memory is of him coming into my room and fondling my breasts one Saturday morning while my mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I froze. Could not really breathe. I heard mom yell to him that breakfast was ready. He quickly pulled down my pajama shirt and pulled the covers back up over me and ran put of my room.
Next memory I have of my dad is when I would get in the car with my dates, the boy would tell me that my dad told them while I was getting dressed to stay away from me because I was gonna be just as mean and nuts as my mom. He would also sometimes follow me on my dates and make me get out of the car and come home with him.
At age 16, he forced me to move to another state so he and my mom could work on their marriage. Made me go to a 1 room, non accredited school at a small baptist church, where I was the only one in my grade. I had to quit cheer leading which was my life. I had been a A/B student til then.
When he took me to take the SAT test he told me not to talk to anyone. I went in, needed a pencil sharpener. Asked some random guy where the pencil sharpener was. He came in and got me, took me outside and right in front of some huge windows where everyone could see us, screamed at me, then told me to go back and take the test.
I left home at 17. Went to college. Did fairly well til a guy I was dating hit me. I left there and went back home. Loved with my parents for a few months. One night I came home after work, about 9:30, and my dad told me I could not stay there anymore. I had, apparently, told my mom something that he had told me but did not want her to know, so he had put all my clothes in the car and I was not welcome to stay there anymore. Not that night. Not ever. My mom called a friend and helped me find a place to stay.
He did walk me down the aisle at my wedding.
He beat my mom numerous times. She has always gone back to him.
I finally told my mom about his molesting when I was 26 and they were in counseling. I do not remember her being upset at all.
In fact, it seems kind of odd that she had, in my memory, basically, no anger.
Now as a 51 year old adult, I have finally figured out that I do not feel safe around my parents. Finally, I can see these patterns and see why. I also, do not feel safe for my children to be around them for very long.
SindyAugust 9th, 2014 at 5:17 AM
I was sexually abused by my biological father for many years,he would tell me that I need to have sex with him or he will leave me and my mother and my younger sister and brother to fend for ourselves. My mother was unemployed,didn’t have any education and she was abused verbally and physically by my father.He became a monster and we were all terrified of him
,nobody at home was aware that I had became his second wife,he would say do this for your mother can’t you see she’s not well and she cant perform her wifely duties.I thn became scared to tell anyone so in high school I started dating and my father found out he would make me sleep with him just so that I get to see the guy I was dating.It was so painfull my father would chase away all my friends especially when my mother was away just so that he can have his own way with me.He used to encourage my mother to go see her family just so that I am left with him alone I use to cry all the time because I didnt know who to tell.Then one day my uncle came to visit us so whn he left I walked him to the bus stop and at that moment I felt I have to tell him about the abuse,he listened and cried and quickly took me to my mother’s family who got the shock of their lives at that revelation
.My father was confronted and he promised he will stop so I went back home but he held a grugde and he thn resorted to physically abusing me he would hit me daily and it seemed to satisfy his sexual hobby that he couldnt perform anymore now that he got caught. I started begging my mother to leave him but she refused cos she had mo means of supporting us alone so I stay under the same roof as my abuser till I managed to get my own place at the age of 30.Im 35 now and I have a 3 year old son and a daughter on the way I cant let my father see my kids I hate him with everything in me,I am battling to deal with the things he did to me while growing up and ive now started having nightmares of him sexually abusing me.People dont understand why I dont ever want to set my foot at my families home and they all think I am mean I cant explain all that happen to me to them.My father deprived me of a lot of things especially education because he refused to put me through to University because he hated me for telling on him. My past feels like its haunting me I cry all the time for I dont know how to forget this ordeal
dalynAugust 12th, 2014 at 7:29 PM
Urs sounds alot like mines..my monsters is my own father!I cant remember wen it started I know it got worse.every position I cry..n nothin.I hope he burns n suffer in hell.I dont know were god was wen I was being abuse my threat if I told dept.of children will separate my siblings.my idiot mom didn’t work..how stupid can she b.always takin 1 of d others girls n lv me behind.really? I cant sleep.I understand urs.my last till I was 17!i tell my sis b ecarefull..stepdads?, daddy r the worse…n dept.of children r stupid n blind too.
KellyAugust 21st, 2014 at 10:24 PM
Sindy, I promise you, there is hope! I am still recovering myself, and can tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, at this point is become aware of how the abuse affected you. And know that it was NOT your fault! Becoming self aware will keep the past from ruining your future. Don’t you dare let an evil man like that have your future! After I finally left home, I thought to myself “I’m not going to let it affect me.” But I was jealous, insecure, promiscuous, I was choosing men that treated me like my father did, and I had no self respect. Surround yourself with GOOD, intelligent people who see you as God sees you! People who will lift you up, and rebuild your sense of self worth. Be intentional about that! I promise you, over time this can undo all the lies you were made to believe about yourself. The most amazing thing, is after you’re able to look at your abuse and abuser for what it really is, you will then be able to help other women who have gone through the same thing. God will use you like that, and that’s the greatest honor of all. I am still recovering. I just married an incredible man, and now am dealing with sexual issues in our marriage that I had no idea stemmed from sexual abuse. Things are still popping up, but if you become aware of it, & surround yourself with GOOD people who will help you through it, you will find peace and healing. I promise. I also recommend cutting off your father completely. And as far as justice goes, just know that God will judge him in a way far more effective than anyone on this earth ever could.
DorcasAugust 24th, 2014 at 1:41 PM
I was born on 4th Nov 1991 where my biological mother died due to child birth and i was born,i grew up with my dad and a step-mum who is so loving and carering,when i was nine my dad who was deep into alcohol started abusing me sexually,he would come home drunk during the day when my mum was at work and other siblings in school and ask me to undress before him,he would also remove his trousers,he woul ask me to touch his private parts,this went on for a weeks or so,in this particular day my mum had travelled to up-country to look for a house-help,my brother’s were sleeping and my dad came home late at night drunk as usuall and called me in their bed-room prettending he was calling me to help him lock the door,i was in pink night dress something i don’t put on from that fatefull night,he tore my nightdress and raped me mercilessly treatening to kill me if i ever speak about it,the story is unknown to my family to-date,i grew with bitterness and i hated all men,i hated my dad and all men who i falled in their hands and they misused me,alcohol and drugs became my lifestyle till when i got born again on 5th Jan 2014,today am healing coz i enrolled for classes of how to overcome rejection by my spiritual father who i openned up to on Feb 2014 being the 1st time i talked about it with my pastor,i still live with my parents and am in the proccess of healing as i forgive my father
LisaAugust 10th, 2014 at 1:08 PM
I realize that I am unable to date or have a relationship, because I don’t trust very many people! I was deaf and unable to speak when a pedophile in our neighborhood molested me several times. No need for details. Anyways, that man later died. I just can’t trust any man and need help to overcome earlier childhood trauma! No one sees me crying and have a lot of panic attacks. I know all men are not alike and do not judge.
LisaAugust 10th, 2014 at 3:46 PM
I am reporting my early childhood trauma that I tried to post earlier! When I was five, deaf and unable to speak yet, I was taken by a pedophile in the neighborhood and molested repeatedly. My mother noticed that I was missing and came to their house to get me! Another time, I ran from them!! I can hardly cope with dating or getting close in romantic with a man! I need therapy, but don’t have any therapists around here I like or even trust!
sherriAugust 12th, 2014 at 11:34 PM
I am a 32 year old woman. I’ve suffered from sexual child abuse when I was young as six years old. I’m in a current relationship with my boyfriend. I have had my ups and downs with him. I love him but before we had a relationship, it’s been “friends with benefits”. During the years, I’ve tried to have a relationship and he would refuse. I’ve done the wrong thing and messed with two of his family members. I’ve struggled with men throughout my life as far as letting my self esteem go and not caring about my body…the point leading to where I felt like I wasn’t loved and sleeping with my bf’s family. He can’t seem to forgive me for it. I think the reason I struggle with love is because of the sexual abuse that happened to me as a kid. My bf’s whole crew knows what I’ve done and they are like his family. They hate me. I get moderate depression due to what’s happened to me in my past. I know it isn’t an excuse but I feel like if I just said no.. to the man that sexually abused me, and to the men I have slept with, I wouldn’t be going through this right now…i want to stay in the relationship but i can’t continue this if his family hates me and he keeps thinking about what I’ve done.. .
Jena BAugust 21st, 2014 at 8:01 AM
the best thing to do in this situation is cut your ties with the boyfriend. the damage has already been done. your best bet is to move on and work through all of your childhood issues that have been haunting you for years. once you’ve been able to work through them and you have learn to forgive the people who have harmed you then you can drive for a functioning healthy relationship until then it’s best that you work on yout. unfortunately what has happened is you have broken the trust of not only your boyfriend but his family and all their friends. darlin do yourself a favor and move on work on you and become a happy person that won’t happen until you start learning to respect and love yourself
Leona DAugust 13th, 2014 at 8:30 AM
HI my Name is Leona D my mom die when i was 8 years old i move in to my two grandmother physical and emotional that my sisters and brothers and me had to go throw it hunt house my sexual abuse start at the age of 10 years old I was sexual abuse by older brother, two uncles in the home i live in the sexual abuse went on until i was 12 years old there was no help for me because i say to the police i was begin hunt in the home but the police don’t care so i had to stop the sexual abuse and physical and emotional was was going throw the way i got out of the home i star a fire in the home that is how i got out of the home that was the best day the day i was out of the home i was sent to a mental institutions in ohio i live in the mental institutions until the age of 18 years old i was sexual abuse by a worker who work in the mental hospital i told the boss and i was sexual abuse by a worker i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive worker was fired when he can back to work i was discharge from the hospital was went to live with a staff but i for get to say that i have a twin sister who all so stay in the same mental institutions with me i no longer like the mental hospital i take to the staff if she won’t me she will have to take my twin sister to i will not leave my sister the staff had a sister that work in the some place and she and her sister was also twins one sister let me live with her and the our twin let my twin live with her i went in i was to a depression so i had my little girl i went and get help i get help at the age of 20 years old and now i am 53 years old but in 2009 my store came out about the physical and emotional and sexual abuse start at the age of 10 years old I was sexual abuse by older brother, two uncles in the home i believe i would take this to my grave the anthony sowell serienkiller AFTER MY STORE CAN OUT I AM NO LONGER HAVE depression I AM NOW OFF ALL medications used to treat mental disorders I FILL GREAT AND I HAVE i forgive the people who abuse me that is the only way you can heal DON’T GAVE UP THERE IS A GREAT OF HELP OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE men, women and kids it will get harder before it gets better I JUST LOVE TO SAY THANK YOU TO ALL Behavioral Medicine & Counseling THE MetroHealth Broadway Health Center FOR THE GREAT HELP I NEVER BE CAME A drug and alcohol BECAUSE I ALL HAVE SO ONE TO TAKE TO NOW I CAN GO ON WITH MY GREAT LIFE AND ENJOY MY FAMILY
ElenaAugust 15th, 2014 at 10:55 PM
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child by both parents. They were cruel people. I really do think I am past blaming them because I am sure they both were raised by unloving and abusive parents too. I got psychological help and I’m hAppy to say that my own child was raised with so much love and affection. I just wish I could stop hating myself. I know that I internalized all the cruel negative comments my parents made. They teased me relentlessly, played jokes on me and laughed at my discomfort, beat me, and told me how stupid, ugly and worthless I was. I came to believe them, to believe that I’m no good. On a rational level, I know that it’s not true. But on an emotional level, I still am so negative about myself. I trust almost no one and believe that I’m no good. I wish I could stop the negative thinking. I keep trying.
CamAugust 22nd, 2014 at 7:31 AM
I was neglected as a child. I remember being 2 years old and desperately trying to use a toaster to make toast. I used to eat the sulphur residue on the end of my fathers matches from a past lit cigarette. I would sip old flat coke cans with ash in them and refuse Pepsi as an adult because it reminds me of a flat coke that got ‘ashed’ in. My older brother said as a baby I ate dead bugs. I doubt it was because babies put things in their mouths. The only memories I have as a small child revolve around food. I remember the hunger. As I grew older I became a pretty girl… However being pretty was a curse because I was tossed all over, sometimes switching schools twice in one year. Girls hated me and I was bullied quite a bit. I could never connect with females or form lasting friendships with them even though I’ve wanted it. Even to this day other woman scare me. My parents split when I was 12. At this time I had a younger brother in diapers. My brothers and I moved with my mother to another cheap apartment. Our mother just stopped coming home due to an ever increasing crack addiction and my dad was ‘unaware’ for a while. We lost the phone… The utilities.. And then one day a few non English speaking men came to the apartment and started moving all of our stuff out and my mother was no where to be found. My older brother left and became homeless at age 15. An older man took him in and my brother began to question his sexuality even though he is a straight man today. My mom manages to get it together for five minutes and I stay with her …a few months(maybe weeks) when she beats me with a plastic hanger during a cocaine psychosis. Authorities FINALLY get involved and call my father. He takes me to live with him and his mom (my grama) My father had no money regardless of going to work every day. This place was a mess. I didn’t have a bed and slept in an informal dining room with out a door. At night my dad would watch porn in the living room. That was excruciating for me as an eighth grade girl to hear my father masturbating all night. I’ve had to pee so badly but lived in fear of what I’d be interrupting just to go to the bathroom. My father really believed I wouldnt notice with no door! I had to go with out essentials like shampoo or desperately needed underwear. I was so happy to be 13 because I legally could work and all I wanted to do was buy myself a bottle of loves rain perfume so people would stop making fun of me at school, and I needed things like maxi pads. I began noticing mental illness in my Grama. She counted the seconds every single time I had to take a shower and would scream horrible things at me for wasting hot water. She became increasingly erratic over me. It seemed so delusional that any emotional impact on my behalf was null and void. Keep in mind a catastrophe in my childhood occurred about every month which often resulted in relocation. The catastrophe with my 80 something year old grama …Who started to reek like urine while I started getting teased for being “smelly” at school..she had found a paper clip in her coffee creamer and became convinced that I was trying to murder her. Luckily my father has some redeeming qualities and moved us into a new place. A one bedroom(he took couch.) Life got easier for a moment and I remember Being happy with just my dad and I. He was nice to me then. I felt safe and when Christmas came, we put up a tree… I liked that year even though the bullying at school was getting harder for me. My dad took care of me and he didn’t yell at me a lot then. He ended up meeting a pretty woman. … We went to dinners at her nice house a couple nights a week… She bought me real little kid stuff even though I was a 13 maybe 14 years old and a die hard Pink Floyd fan. When I was 15, We moved into another apartment. I remember my father getting pulled over in the parking lot and they ended up taking him to jail for no license. I have horrible memory issues that are still a problem today and I don’t remember what happened after my dads arrest. He was not made to sit for too long. All I remember next is not wanting to go to a 3rd high school my sophomore year. I never even legally dropped out. I just never went back to school and no one noticed. My fathers girlfriend stopped pretending to like me when she realized that she didn’t have to like me or want me around to earn my fathers affection. He eventually stopped coming home yet still paid the rent. My dad was the first person to break my heart. Sometimes I believe I’ve been broken hearted ever since. I was self sufficient and walked a highway to work but when I think back.. I was just a child!! Although my innocence was way past over. I let my 35 year old neighbor perform oral sex on me at that time and It didn’t feel good at all, in fact it made me sick. However I never once tried to run. I thought it’s what I was supposed to do. My father now had my little brother.. And my mother was not heard from until I was an adult and in prison for being a street hooke. I took the wrong path and made the wrong friends. I did drugs. I did drugs with my mom.. A day after my eighteenth birthday my dad came to the apartment. He handed me 200 bucks and told me to leave. I had zero education… I could never pass a class when I attended school. I began stripping in clubs to support a life and an apartment in the city . I had sugar daddies and became one of those girls. Then I tried heroin at 27 and it changed everything. Eventually went to jail for possession. Heroin in some ways saved me and brought me down from a narcissistic sugar daddy high. I was humbled and had lost everything. Luckily I managed to break the cycle after a year. I experienced love and heartbreak again but something amazing happened. I became pregnant at the worst time. I was no longer taking my clothes off for money but I had no means to support a child and no one to support my decision. I experienced homelessness while pregnant and again after I had given birth . My son is now four years old and he has filled a hole in my heart. I know I had him selfishly. I wanted someone to love me back. Instead my son has taught me how to give love. Don’t get me wrong.. I still have quite a few issues …I can’t refuse an offer for pain meds at the dentist and I’ll always end up eating the script In two days. I would LOVE a career but my felony drug possession gets in the way. Anxiety is an issue and people often assume I am a huge ditz because I panic for no particular reason. I sometimes quietly develop a sense of impending doom. I also have horrible concentration and memory problems. The kicker?? I still have both parents in my life. My mom is exclusively an alcoholic.. And Grama is STILL KICKING even tho she’s senile.She’s pushing 100 years old. My father has devastated me a bunch over the years but he learned his lesson with the whole being around and being stable thing. My little brother wasn’t forgotten. My father is now going to be an ex homeowner due to putting my brother through college. I’m still a sucker for my dad… But i did FLIP out and go psycho on him for over a week, but that was 2 years ago. He threatened to get a restraining order. I was pretty scary. It was pent up rage. Were better now.. I’m not mad at him anymore. My father knows he didn’t protect my other brother and I. For the first time I saw a old man consumed with a whole lot of guilt and the anger I let build up all those years became something I regretted. It’s rather sad. Regardless of everything I don’t want him to suffer. I want him to be happy.
kim aAugust 25th, 2014 at 7:42 AM
I dont know you but I love you, stay strong♡
LilySeptember 2nd, 2014 at 3:12 AM
No Child or person should ever have to go through what you went through. Stay strong for your son things can be different for him and you. Your family is in my prayers
mariaSeptember 11th, 2014 at 3:04 PM
Geez I don’t know what to say other than I wish I could listen to you so you can get all that out and give you comfort because thats all so horrible I was physically abused by my mom and bullied through high school but was never molested or so I think I cant remember too much of my childhood but everytime i try to explain to somebody how dificult my life was they just tell me forgive and move on! LIKE is that simple so I wont tell you that I will just listen to you and you can let everything out you have the right to be listen to and comforted! After all that crap you had to go through remember you are better than them and ask God to fill all those empty spaces with his love
angieOctober 3rd, 2014 at 11:44 PM
I’m alone in my battle of survival of childhood …:-( I’m 42 I have 4 children …..I’ve broken the cycle….I remember thinking as a young adult I how will o make it……honestly I just took the memory of it and filed it away….sometimes when I drank too much it would spill out…..it would scar me all over….my mom whom I loved and felt so highly never missed a beat…helped
justiceAugust 26th, 2014 at 4:54 AM
I just ruined my marriage bcos i sisnt tell my husbamd that i.waz i was im 29 years old as a lil girl 5 yrs old my so called uncle would stick his hands dwn.my pants and he would say imjust checking to see if u had pee in the bed.. i told my mom and dad but they never belivevd me bcos it hapoend some more and later on dwn the road i say. Was 11 my mom s side of the family my great uncle molmolested. Me my baby sister and baby brother then he would make us three have sex with each.other. and once again mom and dad didnt believe us.. so i got on drug and medt this man named terrell i fell in love with him. I was once raped again and , i.told him and he said he was gonna beat him up and so on and so on….. well coming to find out he became buddy with him so therefore i wouldnt tell nobody what happened to me bcos icouldnt trust anybody… so now my husband hates me and calls me a liar b**** and w****
janiceAugust 26th, 2014 at 10:07 AM
I was sexually abused by my older brother for as far back as I can remember. I never fully recalled all of the memories until this past year. Now it’s like a nightmare for me. I have ruined my marriage because of infidelity and after I told my husband what my brother did to me, he was mad at me and told me to go live with my brother because I must have liked it because I let it continue. The night I told him he asked me for oral sex. He wants a divorce because of my online relationships with other men. Now he is throwing my abuse back in my face. I have tried to cope but it feels like it’s just getting worse. I have no health insurance so I can no longer see my Dr. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
LoumarAugust 27th, 2014 at 7:07 AM
I was sexually abused by an older gril at summer camp, and have been battling the lingering affects of this trauma for my entire life. I have gone through the gamet of anxieties, am I gay, bi-sexual (the asbuse was same sex abuse) should i kill myself, should I tell anyone. I have been in therapy for over 10 years now, and recently became engaged to an amazing man who loves me unconditionbally. Yet, I am sad and terrifed. I am not experiencing the delight that a newly engaged woman should feel. I am on the verge of tears at all times, and my fear of hurting this man is unconctrolable. Any thoughts? I am desparate to make sense of this.
mandaSeptember 6th, 2014 at 7:02 PM
I was sexually mentally and physically abused from the age of four and up by my stepfather uncle brother and brothers friends. Now I am 32 and searching for mental help. I held all the feelings in for so long and they are coming back in nightmares. I am married with two children. My husband has noticed a change in me and I want to be honest but I just can’t spit the words out. I am hurting so so bad I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and alone, I’m scared to tell him because he does not like emotional anythings. I like that these people could share these things on here. I really feel disgusted with myself and my feelings. I want to die so bad!
September 7th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Manda. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Breanna S.September 7th, 2014 at 11:25 PM
I am 19 and was molested by 3 cousins and step gpa my brother my uncle and my biological father. My father started when i was 4 along with his young brother. As i got older i seemed to get molested by more people more fam… this has to be my fault somehow since it was mostly family… i finally told on my father at the age 13 bc he was trying to kill me and my step mom was leaving him bc i told her and even tho she wasnt goin to the cops he was still mad.. but the point is i told he got away with it and everybody thinks im a liar now. I had counseling but they just made me mad by saying they knew how i felt and i needed to forgive and move on. But i cant. im 19 now and i still have nightmares. I have the mindset of a victim. I cant have a orgasm by penetration and i panic for no reason.. im not on meds cause i always lie on the tests. Im afraid if im honest then people will know how crazy i am. I have debates with myself. I often day dream i like to call it (i fantasize and plan diff ways of killing myself) its like i see it all the way through and its a releif for the time being so i dont act do it. I feel like im the blame if somebody is upset. I have this thing happen when im to upset ill sometimes break down and like go in a dark corner in my head and i cont life but i dont remember it… ive gone a whole week once and have no memory of what i did. I always feel abandoned when im left alone its almost unbearable. I also had a break down a couple months ago at night were i seen these shadow people tryn to comfort me telling me to come with them next thing i know im in a fetal pos on the side of the road crying my body cramped up bad and some guy asking if i was okay i like blacked out .. my anxiety is awful out of nowhere i get a heavy feeling in my chest along with shortness of breath and sharp pains. This has never been this bad. Ive been out of the abuse since i was 14. im 19 now why am i doin this stuff now?… what is wrong with me… please give advice im at a lost and tired of suffering.
September 8th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Breanna. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
JSeptember 14th, 2014 at 10:06 AM
I’m so sorry to hear your going through this. When I was 4 I was molested by my cousin. He was 6. I has a broken family and 10 of us living in one house. After that my other 2 cousins started joining in. They were all around the same age as me so I thought it was something I had to do. I blame myself still for letting it go on and not telling. I’m 22 and still have told no one. I’m terrified that it’s all made up in my head. My grandparents still own that house and whenever I step into it my skin just crawls. I feel dirty. I have to face my family, my cousins and I won’t look them in the eye. It’s like they get to live normal lives while I suffer in silence. I think about killing myself from time to time bc I can’t deal with the way I feel. I’m too scared to get help bc if it hurts this bad now I can’t imagine what it will feel like when I put it all out there. I’m scared I feel judged. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 yrs now and at first the sex was fine. But one day these flashbacks started and id push my boyfriend off me so fast his head would spin. He was confused and didn’t understand. I finally got the guts a month ago to tell him why I can’t have sex bc if I didn’t it was going to ruin our relationship. He tries to work with me but still gets frustrated bc I can’t even let him touch me at times. I know it’s never going to get better until I get help but that step seems like a giant leap I don’t feel capable of making.
September 14th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, J. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
BonoloSeptember 13th, 2014 at 12:49 PM
My sincere thanks and gratitude to all the survivors on this site.Your horrible,sad heart-wrenching tales are a source of strength to us who have been lucky not to go through your ordeal.I have just realized the scale of this dreaded sickness(child-abuse) how widespread it is. I’m here because I am trying to figure out whether I’m doing the right thing or not in my relationship with my wife of 20yrs. Let me hasten and say that my ordeal is a Sunday picnic when measured against most of the stories mentioned here
My wife when we were dating about 20 yrs ago told me about her abuse and neglect by both her parents. her sin was that she was born a girl when her father wanted a boy.She was beaten to a pulp by her father , the mother beacuse she wanted to save her marriage never stopped that physical abuse. She was thrown out of the house a nd locked in an outside toilet, beaten with a barbed wire. She also witness her mother’s sister suffering terrible abuse from her partner.
Every time we were together she would cry even when we were happy because she said she never felt loved like this, Five years after marriage I started to cheat(I was just foolish)and it devastated her. She developed or at least i started noticing anxiety panic attacks, depression, suicide attempts,self hating( wishing to be raped) so as to get my attention and finally revenge cheated on me. I wanted to kick her out of my life and kids(2). I only stopped there when i saw a picture of how she was 15 yrs ago when she related her abuse to me.Not only did I stop wanting out but I did everything possible to help her recover from this state.
We sought professional assistance but her child abuse was never raised or mentioned, and stayed together til now. I have just discovered that she has cheated with another married man. This guy is her high school lover. i discovered this a month after she dissolved the relationship. The thing is she stopped this relationship because she realized that although she loved him he could not leave his wife and she cannot share him with another woman. During this period she started contacting her former boyfriend,the first one she cheated me with. When confronted she panicked wanted to commit suicide.Sometime during the affair she had panic attacks on the road at night alone.I didn’t know the cause of that panic-attack until i discovered that it was when she had started an affair. She has terrible nightmares she creams at night almost daily. She people trying to kill or harm her. Lately it happened during daytime not at night.
The thing is I love her very much I don’t want us to separate. We have 2 cute kids(10 and 12) and I love her I want to be like some of the men here who have supported their spouses.
Before I conclude let me say that she is a very good human being. I can say that 95% of her is angelic in nature. She helps everyone in need.She is very kind.My family loves her very much. She is a god-fearing human being. A great mother. Though when I was cheating she abused our daughter for a while until i realized what was happening.
I think she has a split personality.That hidden part the unknown to everyone except me looks bad but there is more good than bad to in her character.
My dilemma is she doesn’t link her problems to her upbringing, she claims it was me largely who created all the problems in our relationship. I want to help my lovely wife but she doesn’t want my help as it involves opening up her past and she has a sound relationship with her parents who are now good parents. All that is bad about her she hides from parents that she cheats,she occasionally drinks, she chats on social networks non stop with her like minded cheating girlfriends about how to cheat or change partners.
Her parents do not know that she has a serious mental problem which needs attention. I am afraid it will get worse and affect innocent kids before she gets help. I am so distressed I am considering doing
something horrible like exposing her other side so as to help her get professional help.
Can someone offer some assistance here. I am from South Africa, Africa’s’ most developed country. We do have some world acclaimed mental health care professionals.
How do I get her to seek professional help or at least try and understand that what happened to her as a child does have an impact on her adult life especially her relationships moving forward.
Thanks once more for sharing and listening its therapeutic i think might get some sleep tonight.
CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEASE.I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP FOR A MONTH NOW.
rochellenOctober 5th, 2014 at 12:50 PM
Only time and understanding will help to heal a broken soul and from the sounds of it your wife is doing everything she can to take her mind away from her pain…. and very sadly we hurt the ones we love the most because we are scared of losing them not realising our actions will push them away…. hang in there…. show her no matter what… you just want to help her heal the soul that has been hurting for so long!! I was abused myself as a child and 20 yrs later I’m awaiting a trail date to be set to face my abuser!! I always try and look at the brighter side and sometimes I really struggle to find it but there will always be something there that can bring a smile to your face and I believe you will be your wife’s again… I have councilling and actually it really has helped me personally…. I hope this helps you somehow.
SSeptember 15th, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Bonolo, I can somewhat relate. Some of our experiences are the same and some are different. However, I married a survivor and she refuses to believe that her sex abuse as a child affects are relationship. I read, researched, and read more about depression, child sex abuse, and loving a child sex abuse survior.
She was abused from the age of 6 until about 13 years of age. I know that she manipulates our daughters emotionally when she doesn’t get her way. When I tell her to stop yelling at them, she gets very vocal, physical and shouting…I have to make my point and walk away with the understanding that I can’t control her or box her. She then begins to believe it is her fault and then pushes me away to tell me that she is no good to be with. I tell her its going to be alright. She then tells me, you just think I’m broken. I tell her no and then I understand and see you. Yesterday and last night, we argued. Finally, she called her mom and told her that she is moving out from me. I said okay. This morning, she was rude and didn’t care what I was doing. Then, 5 minutes ago, she asks me how am I doing? She changes, I wonder if she has split personality or something. She won’t get help, but I love her sooo much that I don’t know what to do some times. I’m going insane somedays. Loving a survivor is hard work emotionally and have to be centered through all of it.
BonolaSeptember 20th, 2014 at 6:19 PM
Similar case to mine exactly.I love her too. Today she left house with her boyfriend from childhood,after pretending everything is fine the day, She sent me an sms saying she is not coming home. I have no Idea where she is,my fear is she is on medication and she is has panic attacks. I am anout to gibe up on her now.
WendySeptember 20th, 2014 at 8:56 PM
My first 18yrs of life was a living nightmare. I had been in 13 foster homes. Growing up in the late 70s 80s and graduating in 92. The first time I was malested was when I was 3 or 4. Didn’t realize it til I was much older. I had a step-father that beat me. Who sexual malested me after 12yrs old. My parents were both drug dealers in the 80’s. I had one other man malest me. I’ve had 3 siblings die. The first one of suposively SIDS. Then hearing later on. He died of my mother throwing him up against the wall. Then I had a brother and sister that I took care of since they were both born. They died in a fire in 1988. Absolutely devastated… Where they were at the hands of my step-father. Case to this day hasn’t closed. After they died I did to. In the eyes of my family. Became, the ward of the state at 13. Wanted to kill myself many times. I cut myself.. I acquired anorexia and bulimia shortly after. I was in rehab on lock down for 31/2 mnths, with no one around to help me pick up the pieces. Then the foster homes. I was a horrible teenager. This is a brief summary of my younger years. I fell in love with my first love at 16. Where I wasn’t strong enough to make it through our relationship. We had 2 children together. My youngest was born 4mnths early. Another devastation:( I literally went crazy. That marriage fell apart. Now, I have 4 children 2 are older. Kinda 19 and 12. The other 2 are 5 and 3. My 2nd marriage is falling apart. I’m trying to figure out if my relationships fall apart from result of my past. Or am I with the wrong man. I’m heavily medicated where I’m pretty num. Because, their is no way that I can touch base on everything I’ve been hurt by. Anything that can help me figure out the present days. Thank you!
jenna r.September 21st, 2014 at 5:25 PM
This sounds like me. Been abused since i was 3. Sexually abused by a family member from ages 3-7. Then kept it a secret until age 11. Finally couldn’t hold it in any longer so i told my mom. Since it was a close family member my home was ripped apart and till this day i blame myself for that. Even though i have been through therapy and have forgiven my abuser and we are fine now i can’t get close to any guy sexually or even remotely intimately. I was also abused physically, mentally, and emotionally by my mother since she also blamed me for destroying the family. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and moderate depression. I have never attempted suicide but i have struggled with self harm and drugs. Anyways i guess i just wanted to share and say whoever is reading this you are not alone and it’s okay to feel. You don’t have to keep it all inside. I did that for many years and it has given me nothing but regret. I just can’t trust anyone but myself. Maybe love and family isn’t in the cards for me. I don’t know…
maggieOctober 7th, 2014 at 4:35 PM
Jenna, I know how you feel. I thought that I got over all the molestation and rape I endured from age 2 to age 12, but recently I have had the worst depression and suicidal feelings of my life. I am 32 years old and I told my brother (the only surviving molestor) that I needed to stat away from him and not speak to him so I can heal from the memories. He got scared that I would report him because he has his own kids that he called my mom and confessed everything to her. He said his friends made him do it (I never remember seeing anyone else there) and he was so scared of his wife finding out of his dirty past. Ever since then my mom made me feel like Im the worst person in the world. She said that I am unforgiving, that I ruin my family, and worst of all, she said she feels sorry for him because he lives with the guilt of molesting me.
I cry several times a day, I am so depressed.
October 8th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Maggie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
maggieOctober 27th, 2014 at 10:41 AM
your mum has made you feel worse unfair if your bro was sorry for what he did it would be a stsrt hes not hes thinking of hiseelf its unfair you should be puting up with this its more abuse and wrong gets me mad how sekfish people can be you did nothing wrong dont dwell on it get help sort it or it will ruin your future good luck x
DeeSeptember 21st, 2014 at 8:45 PM
I am 24 and Today I had one of my flashbacks about be sexually abused. I recall being about 4 or 5 my older cousin made me perform oral sex on him. I remember him telling to me do it or else he would tell my mom that I was being bad and I being a child I did what he told me to do because I didn’t want to get in trouble. That same day I remember him telling me to do something and I told him no. When I did that he threaten to tell my mom what I had done. This memory is foggy but yet so clear. Another incident I recall is one of my mom’s old boyfriends inappropriately touching me. I was about 11 or 12 he would tickle me and I hated when he did that because my chest would always hurt afterwards. As I got older and I thought about it, my chest would hurt because he was touching and squeezing my breast. Also after he finished “tickling” me I would always have to pull my shirt down. This memory is also foggy but so clear. I’ve pushed these memories so deep inside, but some time they tend to appear. This is my first time sharing this. I want to get help to learn how to deal with these types of things, but I don’t know where to begin.
vssSeptember 23rd, 2014 at 9:21 PM
I have been reading all your stories it break my heart. I too was abused as a child by my dad’s friend, my dad & uncle. I am married now and in therapy I will be trying EMDR as a last resort. I recently told my husband at first he was very supportive and now every time we get into am argument he tells me I am all screwed up from my childhood. I am starting to resent him, ever since I opened up to him he throws it in my face that I am screwed up in the head. When we are together we get along very loving with one another and faithful. I have a huge trust issue and it has gotten worse since I opened this door after 30 years. We are in marriage counseling which has helped us but when we argue I feel he is treating me like my abusers. I am not on drugs, drink occasionally and I am a faithful wife. I just feel so lost at times and can’t seem to understand how he can say these things to me and the next moment have this unconditional love for me. Please give me your thoughts. Thank you
September 26th, 2014 at
Hi I I’ve been reading some of the stories and it brings me past memories that are challenging I am a 40 year old mother of five had my first child at 16 my youngest is about to turn three in a couple of months four girl one boy I only have my two year old. I was abandoned by my mother at the age of four left with my dad so I thought was my father he sexually and physically abuse me from the age of 4 to 14 years of age I feared going home from school cause I knew he would be home he married when I was 10years old my stepmother was mean very verbally and physically abusive when I turned 14 I ended punching my stepmother back leaving her a black eye a week later I ran away for the second time took my little brother he too was abused emotionally and physically all I wanted was my mother but never was allowed to see her until that day we ran away..when I told my mother the words she said to me stayed with me for over 20 years when I was 32 those words I held inside me finally came out and my mother is who I went for..I don’t know why I tried to choke her all I know is I didn’t understand why she didn’t protect me..I have girls and if one of my girls came to me and told me at the age of two THAT DADDY KISSED THEM DOWN THERE…I would take action and not ignore my child..I love my mother very much we are not close but I’ll call her or visit once n awhile to see how she’s doing..as for the man that hurt me well I don’t go around him and I still think that he should have been locked up longer than 9 months in jail for what he did to me. I did meet my real dad at 17 but we are not close at all. I have a hard time opening up andallowing myself to love or be loved in my relationships my trust issue I’m getting there slowly I’ve gone through counselling been on medication for my post traumatic stress disorder. And been fine without for about 3 years until just recently I met someone he’s wonderful he just wants to rush the relationship I want to take it slow and date get to know one another he says I’m not affectionate he doesn’t understand what I’ve been through its hard and I think I’m just not ready.
chelseaSeptember 26th, 2014 at 10:04 PM
Hi I am a 25 yr old women. Ive read some of the comments. Some r harsh others are some what acuret. I just wanted to add that ive gone through not just sexual abuse as a child but also as a young adult back several yrs ago .there was phisical and emotional abuse to. Ive gone through therapy and still am. Ive come a long way and just want to get over everything but it seem I just cant. I have alot of different disabilitys and malfunctions due to my abuse . I am happy to say I dont abuse people or kids. I dont want to be anything lile my birthfamily. I am adopted but I often feel that people dont understand how hard it is to live with the hauntingfears and past constintly reminding you what happened.I use to be sexualy active but now sworn to my self im now waiting till I get married and hope I can stick to that.I have alot of struggles but am told for what I have disability wise and what I went through that its amazing I can function as well as I do. I guess what I want to know is will I ever get over it? Will I heal and beable to move on. I cant take meds Im alergic to almost all of em and the ones im not allergic to dont work.I want to be well and to move on and have a sucessful relationship so bad that I often cry and feel stuck like im chained down by my past. I want to kbow if i have hope or if im just gonna be stuck like this for the rest of my life.
yvi pOctober 1st, 2014 at 11:26 AM
So happy to find this website there are other people out there that has experienced this or similar to my story one day, I promise to write it all, will write a book. It is a good initiative and it should continue, glad to see the many comments. I have always been very judge by my immediate family who never listen to my side of things, family father and siblings first called me a lair, then I was judge and consider an outcast now they spreed rumors of me, some thinks I’m crazy some know my mother better and know something happen to me.Every one knows I have been to a Psquiatric unit no one really knows why.Because my mother is now and always been very abusive to me, she was raised in a convent my grandmother put her there. let’s just start with my mother did a lot of harm to me as a child, I experience physical, verbal abused and she also left me with many different people she did not care for me,did not proted me I had many nannies including grown men. I was molested from one of this men when I was just a child told my mother she ignore it.He was a friend of hers, while she was still married to my father. She was abusive and promiscuas, manipulative and a lair.I later married an older men, friend of my mothers lover, who did not respect me and was abusive to me .He went to jail for cleptamany up in jail for six months,I left him and now I’m living with my current husband who is also abusive . Thank god for medication,therapy my daughters and friends.After therapy I care about me some more, I would’not have been a here if I didn’t had my own daughters. They inspire me they are good kids they are smart and beautiful.My mother was raised in an orphanage I wish she would have giving up for adoption she was young didn’t want me says I’m not her daughter to people we know. Never care for me. I ‘m living prove it can be reversed my daughters adore me love me, we have very different and healthy relation ship then had with mother. I don’t love her but forgive her, I see her sometimes but we are distant.We victims of crime are not at fault we need as much help as anyone can give as give me a smile not a judment.
DestinyOctober 1st, 2014 at 2:21 PM
Hi so I’ve been wondering I was sexually abused as a child for 2 year straight and neglected by both parents I’m 18 now I was 5 then I have no memory at all of what happened but I am aware it did happen I’m scared because I don’t think I’m ready to remember all the horrible things when will these memories occur? Can they happen at any time ? I’ve lived a normal life well not normal if you have 2 parents who don’t really care about you but I mean personality wise I forgive a lot and try to be as nice of a person as I can but I know one day I will have to see the memories I just don’t know when most of my childhood from 4-10 was pretty bad and there’s no memory of any of it please help I need answers
DarlaOctober 4th, 2014 at 12:08 PM
I am 53 . physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse starting at age 2.I do not have a lot of memories throughout my childhood, and some of my teen yrs.I have so many emotions inside. I don’t feel like I’ve caught up with my age .I cry alot, was not a very good mother. I spent most my life running and self medicating, but as we get older there’s no where to run.I never new where I was running to. Know one understands and my family well I’ve NE error fit in. It’s very lonley.Mom and Dad dead.no one listens .Went to therapist some when younger, foster homes.I don’t know how to talk to my kids. I feel they would be happier if I just wasn’t around.Therapists have said I exaggerate because my memories are so scattered. Some I thought were memories my sister said it was wrong house ect. Am I crazy
NikkiOctober 5th, 2014 at 6:22 PM
Responding to Darla – I hear you and can relate to you. You are not crazy, one bit! You as myself, have been through a lot within life, and sometimes those traits carry on as you become older. Both of my parents abused drugs and at the age of 6, I ended up living with my paternal grandmother. Once there, I was sexually abused. I did see my parents, my mother on and off as she still lived out state & my father, who lived on & off in my household. As a teen I began writing poetry to express my feelings, always wanting to be with my mother. I do not have too many good memories of my childhood. Now at the age of 33 with 3 children, I continue to cry at times when I think of certain situations I have encountered as a child. I have also been to therapy, which did help however I never continued attending sessions. I do not trust many people & only have a small circle of people I can talk to. I am sorry for the things that you have experienced in your life. I want you to know that life is not over, you can repair yourself by having faith, going to church or reading biblical and spiritual information/viewing church related programs. Setting an example for your children, who do need you, whether they will acknowledge it or not. Sometimes no one you interact with can help you, therefore you have to gain the necessary tools to help yourself and to become a stronger person. You are loved, even by someone you may not know.
AprilOctober 6th, 2014 at 6:50 PM
I was reading through some comments and I’m quite pleased to see how many women have the strength to come forward and talk about this stuff. I’m only 21 years old and I have gone through every type of abuse possible. Thanks to my moms ex-husband..
But I have a question for you all, especially the mothers out there! After being sexually abused for so long during my childhood, I am in fear. I have just recently had a beautiful baby girl. She’s 8 months old. Daddy and I take turns hopping in the tub with her every other night to give her her bath and to have some splash time. But, whenever it’s his turn to do ANYTHING that requires touching her body in anyway, I’m constantly observing in fear.. That entire “what if” circles my brain..
Has anybody else ever had this issue? Or is it just me..
kristinaOctober 13th, 2014 at 4:34 AM
Hi april, Ive read your post and completely understand where your coming from. I would communicate that fear with her father. I have been through some things growing up. I now have 3 daughters and it gives me anxiety just to think of my 8 month old daughter in the tub with anyone. Just let him know how you feel ….it sucks feeling like you have to be on guard all the time.
beckyNovember 17th, 2014 at 5:54 PM
April my name is Becky I waz molested by my bAbysitters son. I have some terrible times. I want to make wild love to my husband, but I feel dirty ans ashamed and usually cry. I’m 44 years old and have 3 grown girls and a grown son.
The reason I hope I can help you cause no one was there for me. Please please do not let that child molester who deserves death for hurting you.
So here goes knowing I’m talking too much. It if you want you to know love and pleasure that we don’t know, then never ever let her be alone with a guy of any age.
Well I’ve talked enough, just know that you have a friend in me and am willing to talk any time.
And always remember Jesus loves you just as I do.
In his Love becky
JoeyOctober 8th, 2014 at 5:20 AM
I can relate to a lot of stories here. I was sexually abused by 2 uncles(one in the house with us for 4 years),as a child,physically/emotionally abused by my alcoholic Father,but the worst & most damaging of all is the emotional cruelty & nastiness of my own Mother towards me.
She humiliated me in front of others,cruelly punished me,rejected me,bullied me,threatened to send me to a home,used the silent treatment on me,ignored me,used passive aggression towards me-always making out that she was not doing anything wrong.e.g.I asked for a drink of water at the back door,& a bucket of water was tipped over my 8yo head instead,& she ran off laughing inside to the adults.I was & still am the family “scapegoat”. She singled me out from a very young age,for whatever reason,I was the person she could take out her unhappiness on(Dad was playing around).I had to be a parent to my 5 siblings as well,so lost a lot of my childhood with too much responsibility from a very young age.The 1st 5 children were born within 6 years,me the oldest.Our Mother was never home,but always worked.
I know some people cannot comprehend that a Mother would do this to her own child,but,believe me it was real.An adult woman taking her venom out on her own helpless little girl is the most evil thing a woman can do,there does not have to be physical abuse to cause LIFELONG PAIN.
She covered it up very well,most of my siblings do not want to admit that she was & still is very cruel to me-as she’s a very cunning/manipulative liar & its them & their children that are getting the love,attention,time,etc.One Brother admits it now & has told her off. She still bullies me,& shows contempt for everything I say in front of others,even in my 50s.I have just kept swallowing it & keeping the hurt inside,meanwhile,killing myself with alcohol.
‘My Mother’ has done the same to my own son,her oldest Grandchild-rejected him-acts like he does not even exist.I am the oldest child that she would also like not to exist.BUT, she is not going to chase me away from my siblings,even tho she deliberately invites them to things without inviting me-makes out she tried when they ask,etc-most cannot see what she is doing.I have now lived Interstate for 20y for my sanity.
Anyhow, last week while visiting,I finally stood up to her.She humiliated me one too many times in front of my sis & Bro-in-law.My Father is dead now, but he even admitted that he does not know why she treated me as she did.When he was alive,she treated me like the “other woman”.She was jealous of my Fathers love for me,the oldest child of 6,we were very close.At last I have had the courage to stand up to her,I am sick of having a “Bad” Mother-I would rather have NO Mother at all. I sadly KNEW by 7yo, that my own Mother did not love me,so was very, very wary of her.Noticed that she told a lot of lies about others & I never could trust her.Mothers Day was always a very teary day for me.
I have tried to forget her rejection/cruelty with drugs,alcohol. I stopped smoking Marijuana at 27yo,
now I have stopped numbing the pain with alcohol also. I am not going to take it anymore. They say you teach people how to treat you-well,last week,I taught the person who is supposed to be”mothering” me,that I am not putting up with her behavior anymore-happy to accept my money for her gardening for 5 years,money for holidays,etc,but not happy to treat me with respect.I refuse to be used & abused anymore.
I feel totally empowered.I now refuse to use the word ‘Mum’,when talking about her-she has lost the privilege.Good luck to you all,may you all have peace.Strengthen yourself 1st,then Stand up to your abusers,let them know that what they have done is not acceptable & then live a happier life with or without them-what have u got to lose,except a big weight off your mind?:)
shannon zelmerOctober 8th, 2014 at 6:10 PM
I was so sad to read your comments. I hope you have had some peace in your life. Please know you will be in my prayers. God Bless.
linOctober 8th, 2014 at 9:58 PM
I had an issue when I was young 7-8 and I didn’t know what to make of it. My neighbor who was an older man noticed this and he told me to stay away from that house and he told the man to stay away from me.
When I was 17 a classmate of the Christan school I attended for a few months sexually attacked me. He was mad cause I had a boyfriend and would not leave him to be with him. Iprotected myself and got away.
A year later i was raped by a good friend of my boyfriend while i was babysittting his baby girl. My boyfriend did not believe me and months later I left him cause he would rather be friends with him than be with me. I blocked a lot of this from my memory but it has caused me issues. I used to cut myself, I started smoking that I call my slow suicide.
I am engaged to a good man though at times he scares me but he understands my past and he trays hard not to do things I haven’t gotten over, such as my neck, I freeze up when its touched. I still cry about being messed up, shame, guilt, disgusted, alone, not worthy of life thoughts that run through my head.
He has 3 girls that I love and will protect them from not experiencing what I did, but his oldest had it worse than I 9 months from his best friend. I see the pain, she won’t talk about it. He doesn’t want anyone to bring it up. I dealt with mine cause the first person is dead and the second one is who knows where don’t care and the third military one lost his career and out of my life. I do hate myself and I know the pain. She is a wonderful girl. I wish I could talk with her without them hating me bringing it up. I didn’t tell my parents about the first two and mentioned the third to them for months after it happened. I was able to move away but she can’t. We still have to see the guy around our town. He got out cause he ratted on someone. I worry about the girls going out on their own. I still wear at least one blade on me. I gave her one of mine for when we are in the city, taught her how to use it. But even that can not stop the pain and chaos of the heart and mind.
I have a loving family and great coworkers who are there for me and pray for me. I want to be there for my daughter. She lost her mother last year and has been living with just her dad for the past 5. He think I guess if you don’t speak it didn’t happen. But not speaking makes the emotions worse.
I love these girls and will be there for them. It has taken me over a decade and I am still working on trying to get past my past. Lessons learned. I don’t trust many people because of them. I’ve learned that most people think when you have a flash back its cause you are seeking attention or drama, they don’t know the pain and the life long trauma it does to a person. I pray for you all and hope you could pray for my daughter.
And thank the creator of this site cause I have never written down my experiences ever and have only mentioned it in fragments to others.
kristinaOctober 13th, 2014 at 6:31 AM
After the damage was done I started to hate myself. I found security and power in the same thing that tried to kill my spirit. I felt ashamed because i stopped resisting….it became pleasurable. It helped me get through it. I made myself believe I wanted it. It manifested in me in a way were it became me. Without it I was depressed and powerless.I have forgiven others but i dont think ive forgiven myself completely.I use to fear counseling….it might sound crazy but even through all the pain, I was scared I might become someone I didnt recognize. Lose people, lose the part of me that brought me comfort. Little things let me know im making progress but still have alot of self work to do….example :I just had my 3rd child. I couldnt bring myself to breastfeed the first two. Ive been breastfeeding this one for almost 5 months now and I dont feel that perverted feeling I got with the first two it feels completely motherly. Such simple things bring about so many confused emotions.
shannonOctober 25th, 2014 at 2:10 AM
Hi.. I felt in tune with what you had wrote.. I to was abused from the age of 7 to 13 by my grandad, I begun to hate my self because his love was all that I was shown since my mum&dad used to hit me regularly. I to hated myself as felt pleasure by it at one point. I have 4 children and now 29,and sufferd depression all through my life. Your children are your strength and these animals should not be able to abuse children..adults are there to guide and nourish. It is no one’s thought but there’s. We are the victims and survivors!
NiccOctober 13th, 2014 at 10:02 PM
Hi, I am 18 and was raped by my best friends older brother when I was 10-12 he’d threaten me and I was too scared to do anything about it thinking I might get in trouble. As I got older word got out at school but people didn’t believe I was raped so they called me a slut in elementary through junior high and even now. For along time after being raped I though that’s all my body was good for I’d let men/boys take advantage of me and I’d just shut my eyes and wait for it to finish. I’ve overcome that issue in my life but I am not left with that as my past, I’m having troubles forgiving myself and I think my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it to he dosnt understand the way I felt he seems to think I maybe liked it. But in all honestly I’ve hated just the thought of sex up until now with my boyfriend, although sometimes it’s still hard for me, I just wish I had some one who understood
BrittOctober 16th, 2014 at 9:50 AM
I was sexually molested by my father from the time I was 7 until I was 15. He fed me drugs and alcohol and did everything you could possibly do to a child. I’ve tried finding God I’ve tried counseling and I just can’t seem to get over the flash backs. I feel like my head is going to explode. I have a son who is autistic so while trying to maintain my sanity I also have a huge struggle with my son. I am in the process of going through the court to have my father arrested because I’m afraid this will happen again to someone else. I’m not 25 years old and am trying to deal with what happened then. I am also married to someone who is controlling and I know he loves me and says it’s not my fault but is not supportive in any way and says things like I’ll never get over this until I go crazy and wanted me to go to the poilce and now that I had and I’m really struggling with the emotions of it he keeps trying to discourage me from it. All I ask is for him to be loving and to show me the love and support I need. I thought maybe it was best to leave him because I can’t deal with the stress of my father going through this and now with my marriage plus my son. He won’t let me because he says he loves me too much. Is anyone else in the situation? I really need some advice and one thing holding me back is the abuse and mental abuse I have suffered through my entire life I don’t know if I can do it alone. I have no family support being that they are all drug attics and involved in their own little worlds. Really would like Input from others.
mitchNovember 27th, 2014 at 8:24 AM
I don’t know reality and fantasy … :'( flashback of my childhood hunts me every time I’m happy from time to time… I am physically abuse by my dad beating me to death hurting til the steel part of the belt clot my blood… I can’t sleep … I have so many failed relationships I’m a single mom … And now I’m a mistress. Don’t know even me I always search for God but sometimes evil memories hunt me.
mitchNovember 27th, 2014 at 8:33 AM
I was always rape at age 20 and had an abortion at age 23 I’m only 25 right now pls help don’t wanna ruin my life . help.
TaylorOctober 20th, 2014 at 1:09 PM
Jesus I never thought I’d find a website like this…let alone post on it. Jesus ok…um yea so from 8 to 14 I was touched by my moms husband. Not my father. Geez ok…when I finally opened up she didn’t believe me or didn’t care or I don’t fucking know. My aunt and uncle took me in immediately. My mom lied to everyone we know and told them I moved out bc she wouldn’t let me go to homecoming. I have a little brother who that was his father…he had know Idea why I left him. My baby boy. He was devastated. It ruined me. Well mom and him eventually got divorced–he wa very very very verbally abusive as well. He moved states away thank god. But then mom got cancer. Like stage 4 breast cancer. She still has it today. I’m 23 btw. Ok so then my baby brother had to move away…to his father. Thankfully he remarried and married a wonderful woman. He works out of town so it doesn’t get to me too too much. Meanwhile mom still brings him up on the phone. Acts like nothing happened b/w us. I genuinely don’t thin she remembers any of it. I barely do. I have a boyfriend now and we’ve had normal sex and stuff but it’s really been bothering me. Anything sexual at all I don’t want any part of. Like at all. I have debilitating anxiety and if I’m uncomfortable I shrink. Right before your eyes. It’s been years since I’ve talk about this so..ahh. Ugh
TaylorOctober 31st, 2014 at 10:17 AM
I have a girlfriend who was molested when she was 10. She was molested by her step dad at the time. It did not go well for her. He mom took his side and even asked to lie in court. Can you imagine? It broke the family apart both emotionally and financially. She had to go live with her dad. When she was 12. She met a young boy. The boy was 16, 17. The kids from her block dared her to kiss him. She did. And soon after, they started dating. The boy pressured her to have sex with him. She gave in. The boy asked her to do all things that adults do: blowjobs, anal sex and even a threesome. This threesome that they had she tells me she hated it. The boy would get angry at her if she didn’t do the things she wanted her to do. The other boy in the threesome was 18 years old. They sneaked into her room at midnight (dad’s house) and forced her. Soon she realized that this boy only wanted sex from her. She left him. But she was devastated of course. She then met a cousin. This cousin was nice to her and she found comfort in him. Not long after that though, the cousin asked to have sex. She says that she could not say no because she liked the fact that the cousin was supportive emotionally and she did not want to lose that. Her dad and all her dad’s family found out and she was labelled as promiscuous and a whore. She was called a slut many times by her own family. Soon after she had another boyfriend. When she had sex with him, he left her and told her that she was in love with someone else. After that she went to visit her mother in Colorado for a Summer break. In Colorado, things got bad again. Her sister’s boyfriend uncle raped her. This rapist threatened to harm her family if she didn’t comply. She reluctantly gave in. He held her down and raped her. She told me this one night. She was crying when she told me. She had it written down on a journal. She wrote it in the third person. She refers to the person as “that little girl.” After she came back from Colorado. When she was fourteen, she met this young guy. He was nice at first. They started talking and he was very supportive of everything. And they started dating. Everything was good for two months. Until this guy started to ask to have sex all the time. She wanted to have anal sex. Which she doesn’t like and again all types of sex that she didn’t want. He also started to get jealous of everything. He was very possessive and abusive at times. Meanwhile, my girlfriend has always suffered from depression and anxiety. In one of those arguments that she had with this guy, she got so upset she tried to hurt herself and ended up in a mental hospital. Eventually they broke up. But it would not end there. This guy would call her to tell her all kinds of mean things. Until she had to tell him that she had met a new guy so he would stop bothering her. After this. A guy who is a friend of her dad’s started living with them when this guy became homeless. This guy would talk about sex with her. And started insinuating things about sex with her. One day when they were alone, this guy took out his penis and started masturbating and grabbed her hands and made her touch him. Some time after, another of her dad’s friend started to touch her every chance he got. She told her dad and her dad talked to him but this did not stop him. This went on for years. As a result this, my girlfriend has low self esteem, anxiety, clinical depression and very low self-worth. She is beautiful, but thinks she is ugly. She has trust issues and is very fragile. One time we got into an argument where I made her feel bad and she went home got in the shower and cut herself. After all of this, I learned that this kinds of things happen a lot. And the fault is usually on the parents for not taking care of her kids. There is no sugarcoating it. It is the parents fault. My girlfriend survived all of this and I find it that it is a wonder how she is who she is. She does not make you see that she is sad. She tries hard to enjoy everything joyful thrown on her way. At times it is hard, but that does not stop her from trying. I tell her she is wonderful and the most amazing person I know everyday. And I have genuinely gotten her to be happy, though she falls into depression easily for everything that reminds her of the past, we are fighting to make it better. We try everyday to make things better. We plan to have kids and give them a wonderful life. A life that she never had. And that is how it should be. That is how everyone should be. I am sorry these kinds of things happen but they do. And unfortunately, all we can do is fight along to enjoy the rest of what’s left of our lives and not look back.
TaylorNovember 2nd, 2014 at 10:45 AM
I just want to feel normal. I’m tired of the burden and I’d like for it all to disappear.
iashiaOctober 21st, 2014 at 11:08 PM
I cnt believe in doing this but here goes….. My mum married her husband after dating a few months i always felt uncomfortable around him i could see him always watching me It started wiv Lil things like hugging and stuff. Then he started slapping my bum in in front of my mum and she would say nothing. He would ask for massage’s alone get me to get on top of him to massage his chest he would offer me money i was only 11-13 yr n my mum never gave my pocket money. He would touch me or walk into my bedroom without knocking especially in the morning when i was getting ready for school. He would walk around in underpants with his thing hanging out. It was every day for almost 3yrs. i tried to kill myself i was 14. My mum never believed me she stood by him in court. She knew what was going on or that he was inappropriate with me in front of her , she had to of known. I got kicked from family to family. I’ve always had a problem with intimacy i hate being touched it makes my skin crawl. Its affected so many relationships especially with my dad i dnt think he looked at me the same again like i had been contaminated. From time to time i get flash backs sometimes of things i didn’t remember It made me scared to be loved in the proper way like a women should. I’ve suffed from depression and extreme anxiety all my life. It made me very weary of men especially around my son. My mum let love blind her would the same happen to me??? Its a fear i have i know it wont happen cause i have a partner i can trust. Me and my mum dnt speak Shes still with her husband and i cnt forgive her for turning her back on me when i really needed her. I mean how can she be married to a man who did that to your own flesh and blood. My partner is always on me for sex but i jst hate it its not him its me but i wish i could tell him but secretly im embarrassed and ashamed deep down i still blame myself i dnt know why…..
chrisOctober 26th, 2014 at 3:46 AM
From the age 5 until 17 I was molested by my father. Now I’m 50 and having issues with. I went for couseling for years but more recently I’m so angry at my mother for doing nothing. I remember telling my Aunt who told my dad needless to say I remember clearly until today how I was yelled at and told I would go to jail. My father was a cop. My parents had an ugly marriage alcohol and abuse. So now here I sit years later and I have no one to talk to about, my mother says get over and after all your father was molested as a young child, no excuse i told her, I never hurt my kids, this issue destroyed my first marriage and now my second marriage is great except for the ugly truth. My parents and i had a distant relationship for years and i was happy but after the dearh of my husband’s father my husband suggested we spend more time with my parents, now they live rather close and I don’t like it. My father is poor health and my mother is tge same narcissistic women. Always thinks she knows best, i just dont understand how a mother could be so cruel, she belittles me to the end. Im kind of at witts end because my husband asks why im so angry with my parents, i want to tell him the truth and believe he. Would stand behind me but not sure what to do. I guess im just tired of watching and listening to how wonderful my parents by people and my parents themself. My husband offered to find a new job and move because he doesn’t like to see me stress but he has a great career and ee have a nice home. Sorry for all the babbling, it just feels good to get it off my chest. Funny thing i grew up in a upper middle class home so lots of money and toys but never happy. I was very happy until i let these people back into my life way too much. Just cant decide do i tell my husband Im pretty confident he would never leave but im afraid of him knowing the man he thought my father is nothing like that.
lisaOctober 31st, 2014 at 9:11 AM
my heart goes out to you. I am a 51 year old woman in a second marriage that has also experienced childhood sexual abuse from a neighbor for many years, had parents that had to of seen the signs but chose to do nothing.I guess after years of counseling and wonderful advice from people in my life I would recommend you tell your husband. Allow yourself to be totally vulnerable to the man that has pledged his love and commitment to you for all of your life. Please don’t allow the sins and wrongs of your father and the neglect and wrongs of your mother to dictate the rest of your life here on earth. Forgiving them doesn’t excuse them it frees you to love yourself and have healthy relationships with those you choose to do so with. In telling your husband of your father’s past despicable acts will free you to move forward and allow your father to hopefully beg for forgiveness to you. I wish you all the live and support you are so deserving to have….
Eleazar GarciaOctober 31st, 2014 at 11:27 PM
I’m not sure if what I learned from my fiancee is relevant I am a PTA by profession and I am a patient man and a warrior at heart, I Love her and she suffered because of her uncle and all I feel is anger. She claims having forgiven her uncle but when we are intimate she shuts down. All she cares to do is please me, and I am not happy. I too want to be her studd but feel helpless fighting against her past. She really enjoys what we do and then it creeps into our life and I disgust her. She has given me mixed signals and I feel it’s me. I am always at fault. I was angry when I learned of her experience and now she wants to invite him to our wedding. She also has a tendency of letting her children walk all over her. I try to help but I’m nobody. Its like She wants them to get away with bad behavior and then wants my help to get them out of trouble because she knows I Love her kids. She also allows her daughter to sleep over at all times with people we truly don’t know. Plus her daughter is becoming curious about sexuality and I’m afraid of a repeat. Sometimes I get angry because its like she wants to teach her daughter a lesson by allowing something to happen. At this time I am away from the children and have little contact with them but im afraid I’ll lose it if something happens to her daughter. I am the father of my children and eventhouh I have been strict with my children they still make mistakes, but never dealt with sexual molestation only advising them to be careful and not trust anyone. Their cousin was molested also. Curiosity is no excuse for men or women to abuse children. They’re curious, and should be protected and taught that sexuality is an expression of Love, not a weakness men and women have. We must educate them that there’s a time and place and a special someone whom you can express this love to. I Love my fiancee and need prayer for us both. Especially for me to know how to express my Love to her. I feel I’m coming apart at the seems. I am going to be more patient and less judgemental. I tend to forget that her attitude maybe a direct reflection of how she’s feeling at the time. I also fear retaliation by her daughter because it appears as though I never let her get away with her being abusive with her mom and allowing her to sleep over at her friends all the time. She’s 11 y.o. and a hand full. I Love her as my own daughter but I don’t feel comfortable around her because she can be very jealous with her mom. She fights with me and plays alot with me and I try to teach her skills like self defense, self respect, and to demand respect. Volleyball and cooking but she at times wants to act lile 3 y.o. I know her dad is not playful nor does he care to spend time with her because of his girlfriend, but I don’t trust his girlfriend s children. They’re too advanced when it comes to life and sexuality. I worry and my fiancee acts as if its no biga deal. Maybe I’m over reacting but this two kids ask grown up questions about sexuality and it maybe a red flag. I do my best to guide them and share with them my experience s about not rushingtthrough life but the comments they make scare me.
no bodyJuly 11th, 2015 at 7:39 PM
Me and my twin were molested when we were 7 by our religion teacher and no one knew because my dad was cheating on my mom at the time i was scared and unconfortable and i didnt know what he was doing we never told anyone and pretended it never happened later in highschool i had a nervous breakdown when i started hearing boys talking about me in a sexual way i could hear their voices everywhere i went they tormented me mentaly i was afraid to shower my family took me to a shrink they said i have schetzofrania and depression but couldnt find out why i am afraid to leave the house or go anywhere alone im extremly afraid of men or boys even wemon especialy strangers i am afraid to go to university so i dont attend and am starting to fail i dont think i can deal with this no one knows not even my shrink i live in egypt pple are so conservate some kill their kids for having sex i am scared and really depressed
catherineOctober 27th, 2014 at 10:57 AM
i was controld and physically and mentally abused by my father and lack of feeling or emotion from my mum led to me having further abuse in life rape assaults lots more today i am a mess thought of suicide then read these stories and saw other people have had worse than me so am not alone i’m going to fight
vssNovember 3rd, 2014 at 9:01 PM
Hello everyone, as an update since September things have really turned around on me. I started EMDR Therapy which I read on this site. It has done wonders for me, not only that I started doing boot camp exercise and eating healthy. I feel good about myself my marriage is wonderful. Let me explain I don’t believe in forgiving my molesters I will hate them forever, so I am working on healing myself. Please everyone look into the EMDR Therapy it’s wonderful to feel this way. I haven’t been this happy ever my anxiety level is down. If you decide to try please keep me posted.
Best of luck to you all. And remember you are important there is hope I am a success story.
AubreyNovember 14th, 2014 at 2:27 AM
I was repeatedly raped by my stepfather from the age of 3 to 8. I am now 37 years old. My sister (my rapist’s daughter) is 5 years younger than me. She has a relationship with this man now. He was convicted and served time for what he did to me. My sister sent me a Facebook message yesterday explaining that life is too short to hold a grudge, and I just need to forget about it. She also explained that people have done her wrong in her life and she was nice enough to forgive them. I successfully completed therapy years ago, and have been doing very well in my life. Could someone PLEASE explain to me why my sister thinks I should be thid mans “friend?” I just can’t understand why my sister would expect me to.
TNovember 24th, 2014 at 7:28 PM
I will tell you right now to Aubrey and to anyone else reading this message. When someone tells you to not “hold a grudge” “forgive and forget” or “let it go”. Put them out of your life, for they have no idea of the pain and suffering of sexual abuse. No one is going to understand until they have gone through it. Knowing that this has happened to you since you were 3???? She obviously has some serious mental issues and is not good for your healing or a good support system in life.. I am sorry you have to go through that or even hear those words. How ice cold.
SophieNovember 17th, 2014 at 6:01 AM
My mom was very sick and my dad left her and us. I remember my moms boyfriend beating me with a belt but I was very young, probably around two years of age. I think he tried to be sexual with me but at a young age I refused and took the beatings instead. I then moved to foster care, and eventually I was adopted. My uncle molested me a few times. I was probably around eight years old. He touched my younger sister as well, but mainly was interested in touching me. I never told my adopted parents, they were very physically and emotionally abusive to me. I carry around so much hate and anger that most people can not see. I cannot finish my story. My abusive boyfriend is walking in.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamNovember 18th, 2014 at 2:13 PM
Thank you for your comment, Sophie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
DaisyNovember 23rd, 2014 at 7:49 PM
Hi I was sexually abused as a child. Then when I was about 7 we moved and an aunt came to live with us because she had nowhere else to go. We had to share a room. Several times a week my aunt would get drunk and start verbally abusing me, she knew about the sexual abuse that happened and she would say horrid things to me such as “you dirty girl”. I would get upset and tell my parents but they would say that she had nowhere else to go so I had to put up with this for about 8 years. I HD several relationships and eventually got married which ended in divorce. I am now in a relationship and have been for 12 years but I am not happy. I have been in the same job for 20 years because I have no confidence to find another job yet I have a good brain. I have very low self esteem. Ever since I was a young g;irl I have always given away my toys now in adult life I give away all my money to friends and family. Why do I do this – I want to stop as I now find myself in debt. Do other abused people have this problem? I am 53. I just let people take advantage.
carolNovember 26th, 2014 at 6:23 AM
I was sexually abused as a child, physical abused and then raped at 20 and also had an abortion due to rape. After hard work I have not had issues and here it is 15yrs later and my stuff is all over the place.why??
November 26th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Carol. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
TammiNovember 26th, 2014 at 10:08 PM
I was mentally and physically abused as a child this also includes rape from age of 7 until age 12 when i finally was able to get out. I have a lot of problems now with relationships. The longest relationship I have had is 5 years and that was off and on. I have a fear of getting close to anyone. I have cheated in the past and think it has a lot to do with my childhood history and I am currently working to resolve these issues because I want a happy healthy relationship. I am 26 and I want so badly to put my past behind me and be happy. I was also raped in April 2013 which resulted in getting pregnant but the one i was with at the time couldn’t protect me from the harm because he was on a business trip and maybe that is why i have left him so much because i feel he didnt protect me like I feel he should have. I go through so much without anyone knowing because I keep so much bottled up.
KathleenNovember 28th, 2014 at 11:00 AM
When I was about 13 maybe 14 my brother started molested me. Even though it made me sick to my stomach I could not tell any one because my brother was the golden boy and it would have broken my fathers heart an d my mother would have just swept the whole thing under the carpet. About two years ago when my mother passed away my brother asked me if I held what he did against him. And WHAM it all came back to me For fifty years I blocked it out and now every time I think of it that same sick feeling comes flowing back. Today I told my husband and he did not have much of a response. I do plan on telling my other brothers and confronting Steve the one who did it to me. Do you think I will ever get any peace from this. Some one please help me. I need answers.
DianeDecember 3rd, 2014 at 8:39 AM
Dear Kathleen im so sorry for what you are going through believe me i know what it feels like ,im 29 years old at the age of 5or 6 my one brother molested me and even tried to rape me.i told my mom and she kind of swept it under the rug.when i was 12 my older brother started doing the same .when i finaly told my family, they laughed at me He laughed at me called me a liar, i cant trust ppl any more i dont want any one near my child and what makes it worse is that that same brothers live near us so my kid could be in danger im a single mother i dont know what to do but to trust in God he has kept her save all this time, i do want to say im planing on getting counseling and suggest you do the same.remember you are not alone.
Charles HDecember 2nd, 2014 at 8:16 PM
I married a woman who was abused physically and slightly sexually abused as a child (once is all she recounted sexually). She is one messed up human being. She had two kids when we married. 86 days after the wedding, she started a 5 year onslaught of violence against the 4 year old that makes me think nowadays, I should have exposed the abuse earlier. She said “when you cry, I have no fear, I know you’re listening”. Made a 4 year old cry, 25 times per week to reduce her fear. Fortunately she admitted physical and emotional abuse of her kids (in writing), when they were just 1 and 3 years old. She left written proof at my house when she moved out and filed for divorce. She divorced me cuz her kids only listened to me, I never yelled at them. Therapists, tell spouses if they have a truly messed up human they are married to. I was told by mine, but stayed anyway for the kids. I got visitation with her kids 10x a month(only $50K). She still drove the young child to try to murder the older one, just like bf skinner hinted in his book he wrote with John Cleese, page 61.
If you had it bad as a child, don’t have kids unless your therapist says you are ready. Or don’t have any, child abuse propagates easily. My ex’s sister is really bad too. 100 years of child abuse in this family. 13 divorces since 1962. Not a word of it until after the wedding.
mitsiDecember 3rd, 2014 at 10:48 AM
I want to share something. coz I feel feel very heavy. I Dont know how can I change this. I was 12 when my uncle who stays abroad came to my place to meet us. he told he will give party. so all of us got into the car. my uncle was sitting right next to me. his conversation started by saying me that m so fat and stuff like that. he pulled up my T-shirt from side and was telling see ur tire and all. I felt very uncomfortable at that point. but I never thought that things will get worst after this. from that day he started to molest me. whenever we all used to go out he used to grab a seat right next to me. I used to wear a chain that time. he used to grab my chain along wid my T-shirt and say so lovely. from this point I knew wht he is trying to do. I used to just cry but can’t explain to any1 wht was happening wid me. my uncle used to pull my T-shirt off from my shoulders, touch me inappropriately, trying to kiss me. I became very aggressive bcoz of this. started talking rudely wid evry1, fear from others, walk on road without noticing any1, became silent, used to cry under my blankets. this went till I was 18. when my marriage was fixed wid a guy. he find me very beautiful and perfect for him. as my marriage was fixed my uncle came from abroad and he took me, my sister and my brother for shopping in car. he took my brother and sister in a hotel and told me to be in car. he came back and tried to rape. I denied him so he bate me many times, I was crying alot. while he was forcing me driver came and he found that something is fishy. the whole journey he never left me alone in the car. my brother was only 6 yes old. he was very tensed seeing me crying in the car. he asked me why m I crying. I won’t behave badly wid u sister. plz Dont cry. I was so emotional that time and was very touched wid his care towards me. that night I cried alot and told whole thing to my parents and sister. next day my parents did nothing to my uncle. they used to attend him normally. I felt very bad. the only thing my parents did were they stopped me and my sister from going wid him. before marriage I told my whole story to my wud be husband. he embraced me and told Dont worry no one will dare to touch u from now. I felt good. i got married at the age of 19. at night when I use to sleep my husband would touch me or hug me I cry like hell and try to protect myself. but as soon as I hear his voice during my sleep I use to calm and him plz save me and Dont let any1 to come. I am very afraid of meeting people or going for any kind of interviews or working at any place. I have been selected at many places but I Dont feel confident enough to go out. I am afraid. plz Gide me why to do. help me!
December 3rd, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Mitsi. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
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TDecember 6th, 2014 at 9:20 PM
I apologize that I am just seeing your comment. I did not think that I would get many reply’s. But I will be checking more often now. i believe the reason your stuff is all over the place is because maybe a memory brought back some of your trauma or something may have triggered it. I do not want to discourage you but sometimes it will take a long to to recover if at all from sexual abuse. It sounds like you went through a lot of trauma for a majority of your life. I would just take time out when you need it, time to meditate, say a prayer if you believe in god and maybe seek more therapy or speak with a trusted friend. If you were back on your feet before you can get back on your feet again. You are strong.
TDecember 6th, 2014 at 9:29 PM
I do believe that you will get peace. Your mom sounds very unsupportive. Is there anyone else around you that has been supportive since your husband has not had much of a response? Support is important but taking care of yourself is the most important. Letting this out will make you feel better. It is a big step and I believe you can do it. It is entirely up to you to tell who you want to tell and you have every right to feel angry. I would maybe recommend finding a support group or someone close to talk to in your family. If that is not possible you can always reach out to my email. By the way I am sorry that this happened to you.
TDecember 6th, 2014 at 9:34 PM
I am sorry and I hope you can find comfort in your time of trial. Relationships are very hard work and even harder if you have gone through abuse because your trust is severely damaged. When our trust gets damaged as children it affects adult relationships. It always will until we are able to find the right help. I hope you are able to find some peace and I would recommend that you get these things off of your chest and it is a great thing that you came to this site.
TDecember 6th, 2014 at 9:38 PM
Being a single mom is hard but even harder if your going through this. Pray to God. Tell him everything on your mind. You will feel a lot better afterwards and you will start to see some change. I hope your nightmares go away and I am sorry that you were beaten as a child. You may need to take a break from relationships and take time to heal yourself completely.
neekyDecember 7th, 2014 at 6:40 AM
I never really talk about this but here it goes. I was sexually and emotionally abused by my stepfather from the ages of 5-13. My mother worked alot and thought him to be the perfect father figure. He would come into my room at night, come into the bathroom while i was bathing and touch me. When i was about 11, i walked in on him caressing my little sisterand i freaked. I stayed home all the time to make sure my little sisters were protected. I finally told my mother at 13 and she went crazy. She wanted to kill him. I found out i was pregnant a few days later. I am now 26 and my son is 12. I love him with my whole heart. He makes me stronger and happy. I never cried for myself. I have no sex life because its hard for me to trust anyone especially around my kid. I never went to therapy or got any professional help but ive been breaking lately. I need the help now because im slowly unraveling.
ChristinaDecember 7th, 2014 at 7:00 PM
Could someone pls reply…
I was been abused my father from the age 8 to 20 . The way it has effected me is that I find it very hard to trust my relationships. I’am always on a defensive mode. My current bf feels pushed away from me and he’s about to walk out. I feel responsible. He suggested me to seek help..today I made the first step to organise to see a sychologist. I love him so much and I feel I have lost him..
It kills me inside and I want to make everything right to prevent that breakup. He is been my rock for nearly a year now and he is the only man in my life that has made me realise that i still have those issues to deal with to become a better free person.
Until now I thought I was fine since I made sure I locked away those horrible abuse experiences I had as a child. Well weren’t locked away …were just ignored. I can’t ignore them anymore ..
What do I do to keep my bf from walking away…I don’t want him to stay coz he feels sorry for me either!
For the first time in my life I feel very lost ……
RyanDecember 8th, 2014 at 1:15 AM
You need to love yourself first…
vssDecember 27th, 2014 at 12:11 AM
Christina.. I too did block out this horrible time I went through. I had multiple relationships always pushed them away never trusted anyone with my kids. I do realize the older I got this door unravelled and before you know it I was a serious hot mess. My marriage was on the verge of divorcing. I read on this exact website EMDR googled it and found a Board Certified physician in my local area. I tell you I feel more calm and my marriage has turned around. I feel good about myself I finally talked about it with my sisters which I had never done explained I was going through my EMDR therapy. After talking to them I didn’t feel as a victim or ashamed it was the 1rest time and it felt good. Please if you have a man who is supportive and loves you seek this help it’s wonderful and it has saved me. Best wishes and keep me posted. God bless
RyanDecember 8th, 2014 at 1:23 AM
My issue…. I love this woman my heart beats fast thinking about her then when I see her… anyway she was molested young, had two kids, then I met her in the mist of a bad relationship… tough to her all guys aren’t assholes especially when they have had a broken heart of their own… anyway she is with a decent guy but they both know when she goes to school it’s kaput between them….
any advice I LOVE this woman and her 2 kids and I would marry her if I even got the smallest chance but… no more bad boyfriend anymore!!
TammiDecember 8th, 2014 at 7:40 PM
T, I have went through therapy for many years after my grandparents got custody of me. Now I am afraid to because of my fear of bringing it all back as in memories. I have some memories and sometimes I even have nightmares of what happened. I even sleep with a light on when home alone for the fear of being alone at night because everything happened at night growing up. I am glad I found this site and can openly discuss what happened as a child it’s not easy but I am doing good. I have always said I would never let my kids go through what I did and so far so good. I don’t yell at them I don’t spank them for punishment. I instead sit them in time out and feel more respect from them than I did for my own parents. I feel in raising my kids I have done better than my own but feel in my relationships I need help so that I can marry my best friend as planned and stay faithful so far I have been doing good without therapy but afraid of a relapse I have been faithful to him for a year now.
CrystalDecember 9th, 2014 at 7:30 PM
I was molested by my uncle starting at the age of 4 until the age of 13. I did try reporting him and what had happened at the age of 11 the cops even got involved but was threatened by my family to lie and say it never happened and when the case was dropped my uncle once again continued to molested me and was caught two years later for molesting another young girl…well after that happened my WHOLE FAMILY beside the few that knew what really happened thought I had really made it all up so from the age 13 to 15 I had 3 other men molested me and every time I tried telling someone about what these men (which were either family or close friends of the family) had been doing no one believed me and either called me names or said “this is exactly why I was worried about you living here I knew you would do this but I just thought you’d accuse me!!!” So these men got away with it because they knew no one would believe me…well my uncle who molested me the first time had written me a letter from prison and he also uncluded a picture he made on some kind or cardboard and he had hidden a secret letter in there for me to find and he also included a cut out of his penis which he even colored and traced from his own…in the letter, which was very detailed and gross, he had admitted to what he had done in the past and that he wanted to continue once he was out… my mother found it and showed everyone and anyone she could. Than and only than did people believe me and by that time it was too late…even after everyone knew the truth no one ever asked me about it or if I was OK. I’ve never got the help I need never went to therapy. And now in my mid twenties I’m married to a much older man and I don’t trust him. Some of it is his own fault but a lot is my past not one man including my father has ever stay in my life and the few that did ended up sexually abusing me. I don’t know what to do I wanna change but how??? I don’t even know where to start…and if I don’t do something I’ll end up just pushing him away because at least than I can control the amount of pain he’ll do to me
NicoleJanuary 22nd, 2015 at 9:34 AM
Crystal, I am so sorry to hear your story and I too can relate to your trust issues as I was also sexually abused by a close friend of the family. I tried to reach out to her but she never listened and ignored me. I now in my adult life see the toll it has had on me and my intamacy and relationships. I would say the best place to start, as difficult as it may seem, is by loving yourself and talking to someone non bias like a therapist or someone at a local crisis center. It’s a tough burden to carry when you feel so alone and your trust has been broken for such a long time. Unconditional Self love is hard but you need to begin loving and trusting yourself before you can share your love and trust with another. Reach out if you ever need to talk. Wishing you the best!
TammiDecember 22nd, 2014 at 8:37 AM
I know what you mean no one believed me either because it was my moms boyfriend and his family that was doing this crap to me. I ended up running away since no one believed me. It was pretty bad so yes I know what your going through and it is tough. My dad was always in and out of my life too. My mom never believed me said I was lying even after i took the lie detector test.I got placed with my grandparents from age 12 to 17 when I got married to my first husband and it ended after 5 years because of my trust issues and I had even cheated on him because of my issues. I am now with this amazing great guy who i have been with off and on for 4 years and he is much older as well maybe it’s true what family has said about me being with ben before they met him they said it was because I have daddy issues.
KristinApril 22nd, 2015 at 9:30 AM
I was sodomized by my Uncle when I was 9. I don’t know how long it lasted in years. He let me watch pornographic films with him and let me drink beer with him. At first he only touched me, oral sex, and finger insertion. After a few times of this, he outright had sex with me anally. I bled for a short time afterwards. I told my cousin and my cousin took it to the adults. Everyone said I was lying. They said I must have liked it. I was treated like a disease in my family. After trying to kill my self 3 times, I decided to run away. A month after I returned home, the 2nd of two people that did actually believe me (my other uncle and beloved father figure died) I was 16 at this point so I started drinking profusely and using cocaine as a coping method. I was extremely promiscuous and most of them we way older than me. At 16 I had consensual sex with a 28 year old for example. I have been married 4 times and only my second didn’t abuse me…I cheated on him and left him. I went into the Army and got into counseling. I tried to turn my perpetrator into the police and they won’t even hear my story. I recently confronted my perpetrator and he denied doing anything. I remember things vividly as far as the actual sexual abuse episodes, but cannot help but to wonder if I am crazy or maybe I am making it up. I display over 50 of those symptoms above. I was touched at 7 by my babysitters 16 year old boy, sodomized by my Uncle at 9, raped by two men one at 18 then one at 19. Sometimes I feel like I brought it all upon myself but know logically it wasn’t my fault. So now it is a question of my sanity.
EmpyDecember 26th, 2014 at 7:41 PM
I long for intimacy with someone, but I was abused and taken advantage of in childhood. I was suicidal in high school. I was angry throughout my childhood. I am working with s psychologist. I have been dwelling on the negatives more than the fact I’m a survivor. I need to cry but can’t even though it hurts.
Even though I want to be with someone, I don’t know how I’d get along romantically because I do not enjoy kissing, or the thought of other sexual stuff. Could this be as a result of abuse?
How do I recover? How am I going to let go and just cry the painful tears? How do I stop wasting time in therapy and just tell how I really feel.
I don’t feel my life is complete even though I do have a child I always wanted. I’m raising him solo with help of my parents when they take him to give me a break but they don’t like my standard of living because it’s not how they live.
Please help me
emilyJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 4:40 AM
Empy, I’m in your situation. you will enjoy everything you want to if you understand and accept why you did not enjoy it once, and understand what risks you are afraid to take and why, eg trusting people again. it takes so much courage, ask your friends to help you, you don’t need to do this alone like maybe you had to when you were young. good luck and take courage! you can do this.
leilaJanuary 9th, 2015 at 7:21 AM
I was also molested in my early teens by a family member andd later by a group of boys from my high school, who later made me the culprit in the story even after the ugly nasty things they did to me. I got married when I was 21 to a sweet guy, but I just cheated and cheated. He went out a lot and that made me feel alone. We on the the verge of divorce now. I stopped cheating after finally getting some therapy. But it’s like the demons still haunt me. And my hubby jus emotionally abuses me all the time.
January 9th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Leila. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
BabsJanuary 20th, 2015 at 1:01 AM
Hello, I have been reading these comments and can identify with so many of you. I was emotionally, physically and, on one occasion, sexually abused by my stepfather until I was 15 when the authorities were notified and he was stopped. He used to wallop me so hard on the bare bottom that I had purple handprints and he also used a belt and a cane. He also used to walk into the bathroom when I was in there and walk around naked in front of me. My mother sided with him. Unfortunately, the damage has been done and now, at 47,I am an emotional mess despite having had counselling. I have been married for 26 years to a decent man (6 years older) who has provided for me and supported me through years of depression but he is not demonstrative and I have found that I have craved affection for the whole of my adult life (needing hugs,being told I am loved etc). How have I repayed him? By cheating on him more than once with older men (not actually having sex but needing affection, like a child). I am currently involved with an work colleague who is older, about to be divorced and who is very affectionate (the relationship is not adulterous at present) and my marriage on is on the verge of break up. How do I get off this path of self-destruction and selfishness? I became a Christian 21 years ago but I have still behaved in this way since and I no longer attend church. I feel I cannot be with my husband any longer as I don’t trust myself let alone anyone else and I have caused so much pain. I must also add that I have two grown up children, one of which is autistic and I do not feel I have coped very well with this situation.
January 20th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Babs. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
KateJanuary 20th, 2015 at 6:59 PM
So I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to say all this and if it will all make sense… I used to look back on my childhood and think that I was so blessed. We had a huge farm with lots of animals and I had heaps of friends. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I looked back and realised what happened to me wasn’t normal and it wasn’t okay. My brother sexually abused me when I was 8. We didn’t have sex but he forced me to do everything else and I did it.. When someone you trust that much asks you to do something you just do it.. I was then sexually abused by my best friend for 5-6 months at the age of 11. I was told we were doing it to “practice for the real thing”. When I was 13 I started abusing alcohol, at 16 I started on marijuana, 17 it was harder drugs. My father mentally abused me and my family from the beginning till I was 15 (that’s the age I decided to no longer have him in my life). He used to pull out the shotgun on my mum and brothers and say we weren’t his kids. That mum must have been cheating. He was a bipolar, alcoholic and would spend 6-7 hours drunk at the local pub easily 4 days a week.We walked on egg shells around him, always afraid of what mood he may be in. Once mum bought the wrong brand of butter so he threw it through the window and chainsawed the furniture in half. Once my parents divorced he never wanted to see me, except to impress his new girlfriends. Anyway there is a million things I could tell you about my dad but why I’m really writing is it took me 13 years to tell anyone about my sexual abuse. I’ve never told my family I’ve only told my best friend, except she was the worst person I could have told.. She was shocked I wasn’t over it all yet. That 13 years should be more than enough. Not knowing why I wasn’t over it all I went really self destructive again, i hadn’t abused any alcohol or drugs since I was 19 but now I was back to abusing drugs to create a numbness and false happiness, I started driving way too fast to feel the adrenaline and I skipped meals cause I liked to feel my stomach hurt. I met the nicest possible guy, he liked me so much and I really liked him. Only he started to see how reckless I was and ended our relationship before it started. In a way im happy it ended… I kept having to pretend I was happy around him and pretend everything was okay. It scared me to tell him that I was abused, I didn’t want him to think I was dirty or damaged or disgusting. I didn’t want him to know that giving and receiving oral makes me want to cry, that it just reminds me of the times I was forced to do it. I know how important sex is to a relationship and I think he is better off with someone who isn’t broken. But then I feel guilty for even letting me call it sexual abuse because incomparison to other people I went through nothing! I wasn’t rapped and I wasnt a victim for years..
Anyway I’m sorry for the long speech.. No one has to reply it just felt good to let it all out :)
julian mJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 10:22 AM
Thanks for taking the time to expalain some of your pains ..i will keep you in prayer !
ClairFebruary 7th, 2015 at 4:29 AM
you have no reason to feel guilty, you can’t compare your experience to others… you have been through alot of pain and you are not damaged goods, you had traumatic experiences that no one deserves and that’s how the mind and body responds to pain and trauma.
you are in my prayers, thank you for sharing, it is very brave of you and I hope you find someone more accepting/substantial to open up to because that acceptance can help you heal. Therapy can create that space and also helps, don’t lose hope!
thoughts and prayers x
DanielleFebruary 8th, 2015 at 3:49 PM
Thankyou for sharing! This has helped me I was abused by my childminders son who was a friend and I was never raped but made to do everything else too it really helped me Thankyou! Hope you are okay!
thuggaJanuary 24th, 2015 at 10:19 PM
Im involved with a lady that was rapped repeatedly by her stepfather when she was 15….im very supportive of her but i have problems understanding when we was dating oral was a problem now that we live together oral is not a option and affection of any kind is out the door every time i touch her its always an excuse like that hurt, or dont do that, you’re going to bruise me stop like that. I need help cause i really love this woman and im afraid she’ll push me away and i dont wanna lose her at all.
NicoleJanuary 25th, 2015 at 10:14 AM
I have been abused my entire life. I am now 22 and I don’t want this to continue to affect my adult life. My mother was always emotionally and mentally abusive but around the age of 11 she was physically abusive. I have 5 other siblings but for some reason she was only physically abuaive towards me. Why me? I can’t ever seem to find the answer to that question. One time, after her and my brother went on vacation and my other siblings went to their dads house (this was my moms 4th divorce) she came back late with my siblings and she started to choke me up against the wall. My younger siblings ages 4 and 6 were screaming “don’t kill her don’t kill her.” I get flashbacks to her bashing my head in the wall and her taking my shoes and hitting me with them(my church heels). I would call the cops but no one believed me. I moved out when I was 16 and lived with a friend and her family. Now, I have severe depression and anxiety. I have tried to commit suicide and have thought about doing it everyday for the past 5 years. I have attatchments issues. I often feel alone and like no one understands me. I drink alcohol way too much, although I am in college and its normal to, but I depend on it. I cut myself and have been on and off doing that since I was 13. I hate my mom so much. I just want to know if I will ever get over this? When will the flashbacks stop?
sharonJanuary 30th, 2015 at 11:14 PM
I am 42 and going through therapy…2 years so far. And have now given the necessary evidence to police. Awaiting court dates. I was raped by my dad from age 2 half to nearly 6 years . I am struggling with the judgements from mothers right now about speaking out and not being ashamed of what happened. How can a child be responsible for what happened to her and why can people not understand the need to speak up. Yet when I explain if it was their child ..instantly they comment and say they would kill. Yet how could I kill or family kill when everyone was bullying me to silence ? Even my boyfriend is disgusted with me and won’t give me comfort and support..said it was my problem and it’s hard work. Yet I am so careful hiw i affect other people’s life’s and still suffer by not talking. I am an adult and should be free to speak. He is ashamed of me. And making me feel guilty. I have been suicidal before due to feeling so alone and as much as i hate the feelings I have in promise myself I won’t go there again. It’s so hard to deal with. I have 3 sons who are fantastic and proud of me which is what you would think family and friends would be. Yet they allow you to suffer more. Loneliest place in the world. Has been all my life.
sharonJanuary 30th, 2015 at 11:16 PM
Shoud read. ..* struggling with judgements from others right now..not mothers.
joeJanuary 31st, 2015 at 7:27 PM
I need help please. I’m dating a wonderful woman who has confided in me that she was sexually abused by her father for many years. He began raping her as a teen. It finally ended at 15. She developed a eating disorder at a young age that she still deals with now (she’s in her 40s). She was also a cutter. She also told me that she was raped by a stranger at 19. She has never been married. And from what she tells me most of her past relationships were very abusive both physically as well as sexually. She said that she did abuse alcohol for a short period but she’s OK with that now. I was surprised that she had no history of drug use or promiscuity. She is very well functioning sexually. Never withdrawn from it. My problem now is it appears that she’s had a lot more sexual partners then she claimed and some of these men have made mention of drugs as well. When I ask her about all this she continues to lie. She has been in counseling since she was a teen and keeps saying that this doctor is the only person that knows everything about her. My question is, is it normal for a person like her to be very a sexually active and to abuse drugs? And if she shared so much with me (all of which were received with open arms) why would she lie about these other details.
ClairFebruary 7th, 2015 at 1:45 AM
Can someone please help me! i have become so stuck i cant be with anyone, i fall in love but cant act on it because before when i did it, it was someone similar to my abuser (and to my father who is not a good male figure, was a womaniser, cheat, abandoned our family)
I’m loyal, monogamous and prefer to wait until I love someone to be together but I feel prevented by my history..
Im 26 and have been in therapy for a year after leaving an abusive family living situation. he drank alot and was violent and always was domineering, controlling and tried to make me feel small or not accepted/isolated me alot since I was young but also verbally abusive and sexually inappropriate… I don’t want to go into how but
I need to understand why I keep meeting men who seem to really be in love with me or obsessed and so wholesome and kind but then the same as the two negative men in my family. they’re either womanisers, or emotionally manipulative/distant or abusive in someway also addiction issues. the same traits that make me very sad so I have to step away.
I’m not into drugs or those scenes… I definitely respect myself and the opposite sex and take my time… am cautious but still, I keep meeting him and it’s heartbreaking and disappointing to feel like you work hard and still feel haunted by a ‘type’ of male OR I’ll meet a guy who has been abused in his family who I get along with but never feel close to him, we both end up pulling away and feeling lonely.
my first love, before I understood the abuse or talked about it… ended up being dishonest/unfaithful/sexually demeaning/domineering and raped me in my sleep. are victims cursed to keep meeting the same type or failing to connect at all? I feel like I meet people too often who want to date you or have sex with you or are that type but rarely people who want substantial things…
I feel like love with a male is a distant barely there memory that only ever peaks out in snippets and then something goes wrong or the person has a side to them that comes up
strangely I have amazing loving/close relationships with male friends, colleagues, some family but neither person is attracted… obviously.
How do you break the cycle, I’ve resorted in the last two years to being friends with people I like romantically just to be sure; I refuse to end up in a negative dynamic again, last time I was too in love to leave for the longest time it was exhausting. and it took me years to step away from the two negative males too so, I need to understand what it is that makes victims of abuse repeat history and if it’s futile to want to have a peaceful union that is actually intimate and loving?
EmMarch 2nd, 2015 at 2:29 PM
Hi Clair, I find myself in a very similar situation and I keep searching for answers. Maybe we waste too much energy on not thinking of the red monkey? I believe you are on the right path as you have noticed the pattern and you try to break it. Keep up the good work and don’t be afraid, trust yourself! I sometimes feel I’m loosing my mind as I want so badly to not end up in a very similar relationship. What I noticed, sometimes I force the other person to hurt me as I have conditioned myself through years to negative treatment and that’s what I find normal. I started surrounding myself only with positive people, books, news, music, etc. Lately I see a change, I’m attracting different type of people in my life, discussion topics are very different, there is an inner calmness for which I am very grateful. I believe if I was able to condition myself to so much negative in my life, I can switch it around and condition myself to positive experiences. Also I learnt that fighting it back is not helpful, acceptance does magic…of course, we are only humans and sometimes does feel a bit loosing your mind :) Hope you’ll find peace soon and someone with whom you’ll experience a lot of good things! Thinking of you and sending lots of warm hugs :)
DanielleFebruary 8th, 2015 at 3:46 PM
I don’t know what to do?
As a child I was abused by another child who was a year older than me, he was my child minders son, this went on for years I don’t remember much I think if tried to block it out I remember a couple of incidents however when I was 15 hes nan died so my mum said I should see him and se if he was ok so I did he took me into a field and although it was horrible I new that what had happed when I was younger did actually happen.
I was never raped however it has really affected me I’ve only ever told one person about this and that was my bestfriend about 4 years ago and now at 18 I have recently got into a relationship and everytime he tries to be intimate with me I just don’t enjoy it and it reminds me of him and I can’t get past it!
I don’t know what to do I can’t tell anyone as him and his family are like part of our family and one of my friends is going oyt with him and I don’t want to cause trouble! I just want to get on with life and be free
krisFebruary 10th, 2015 at 8:59 PM
I was always an outsider in my family the youngest of three. I an 49 now and still don’t fit in I was always getting yelled at, slapped and made to feel stupid. I knew as a child I was not suppose to be treated this way. I even told my family they just laughed at me. Now I have more education than any of them and they continue to devalue me and anything I say or do. I remember bits and pieces of odd behaviors I had as a child and they are sexual. I know I must have been molested but the memories are vague. I do remember a friend if the family asking me to go look at his camper with him he made me touch him and look at pictures of young naked girls. My parents came to the camper caught him, but just told him to leave nothing was done. I am tired if acting like I enjoy family get together, I don’t, and have no desire to be around my parents or siblings they still treat me as I am stupid and no good. My 16 year old son notices and asks why don’t they like you. The family talks about my parenting and how awful of a parent I am.
JulietFebruary 16th, 2015 at 4:46 PM
Thats awful. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be loved and cherished and encouraged and supported. I will pray for you. Lean on God to bring healing in your pain. Thats really is rough and painful. Thanks for sharing i can relate
ShannonFebruary 21st, 2015 at 10:39 PM
I was raped by my brother from ages 5-7. I learned real quick how to lie and avoid. In 7th grade 2 classmates beat me up and raped me. I never said a word. Then my dad died when I was 38. I started talking. My husband refuses to help me heal. He won’t attend my therapy. And has even used the rapes to hurt me. Today he signed a lease on a house and left my special needs child. Alone. I’m so scared.
MjjFebruary 22nd, 2015 at 10:28 AM
I found this site while trying to find some advice on dealing with my challenges in being married to a victim of abuse and I’m hoping that someone here can give me their thoughts.
My wife was abused from her early teen years until her early twenties. She hasn’t told me all the details but enough to know that this %#/! took advantage of a young girl whose father was absent and subjected her to years of abuse all the while telling her he loved her.
She eventually left him and to my knowledge wasn’t abused by anyone else after that.
She never told me anything about this until about 5 years after we were married.
Up until that time she would often behave in ways that made no sense to me at all at the time. This was especially so in situations where there was potential for conflict. Given what I know now, it all makes sense, but at the time I couldn’t understand why she behaved the way she did and often reacted badly myself. I never hit her or threatened her in any way but I do get irritated when there’s a problem and my partner doesn’t seem to care.
When she finally did tell me about her past abuse if came out over a couple of years and I was finally able to understand why she did some things that she did.
Unfortunately, my irritated behaviour towards her has now also contributed to her not trusting me and we’re on a downward spiral.
I feel she should be able to let go of the past as I was acting without knowing everything I really needed to know but she can’t.
My question is this: How do I cope with “rejection” that I currently get from her while still somehow showing her that she can trust me?
I also have my own pre-existing baggage (no abuse though) as well as issues that have arisen from our relationship and I battle to deal with her not being able to move forward.
She is a WONDERFUL person and I don’t want to lose her.
kswagMay 5th, 2015 at 5:27 PM
I’m sorry that you are going through this, I am currently doing this to my significant other as we speak. I wish your wife would’ve opened up to you sooner because the trust and the healing of her heart wouldve been easier. All you can do is take it one day at a time and consistently show her you’re not like the other man in her life. I don’t really know what you can do just listen to her and be there for her. Hopefully things will come around
AmandaMarch 4th, 2015 at 9:50 PM
I’m 21 and I kind of felt like I was beginning to fall apart. Finding this site gave me some type of hope. I was molested by my step father since I was about 7 until 13. I use to be so confused about what was going on. It all started maybe 6 months after my mother moved in. Me and my younger sister had our own rooms in the basement and my brother slept upstairs. My stepdad would get up around 5am for work every morning, and he would sneak into my room, into my bed, pull down my pants and rub his penis on me. It happened so much it broke my sleeping patterns, even til this day I can’t stay asleep and I wake up to the smallest noise. After I got older I started to understand what was going on somewhat. It was difficult because I never wanted to even call him dad and my mom would punish me if I didn’t but she never knew, I didn’t think she would believe me. I think I was the only girl in my 6th grade class that couldn’t wait to get my period. Every night I would sleep with a knife or something sharp and I would tell myself the next time he tried I would kill him but It never happened. Til this day I never asked my younger sister if he ever touched her. But I doubt it because growing up he was always tried to do everything with me and left her out. It was like nightmare and I do remember I use to be curious and I would tell my little brother to let me see his private part but I never touched him. When I was 13, him and mom planned on moving. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders because I knew I was going to have my own room with a door and I promised myself I wouldn’t let him touch me. I tried it twice but I woke up both times before he even touched the bed and he would leave back out. I would feel so disgusting and just wanted to know why and what did it mean. When I got to high school it stopped. And one day my counselor was also a coach that I knew and he told me why do I try to seek attention from guys. Then started asking personal questions and I came out and told him. When I got home, the police was there and my mom looked upset and when I told her she basically was crying about the fact that she wouldn’t be able to raise all three of us alone so I told everyone it was a lie. Til this day I still live with him and I honest don’t care for him. And I always wonder why and how does he just go on and act like nothing ever happened. Because I love my mother I still show some type of respect but it kills me. For the past almost year I’ve been depressed, lonely and I can never stay in a relationship. I hate my step dad so much because I feel like I don’t have a normal life. I don’t have friends, no social life, I’m confused about everything. But I know that there is others worst than me so I don’t complain but lately my anxiety, depression has gotten worst. I can never focus on one thing, idk of weed is considered a bad drug but my smoking has increased a lot and it seems like the only thing that keeps me content. And now I’m in a new relationship and I know I don’t trust and my mind just can’t stay focused but I don’t want my past to mess up this one. Even though I still live with him, him being around doesn’t bother me anymore it’s deeper than that. Thankfully I’m sane enough that I’m not to helpless to kill myself but I do feel at times there is no point of me even being here.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamMarch 5th, 2015 at 11:43 AM
We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org.
RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
• The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
• For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
LannyMarch 16th, 2015 at 12:11 PM
My fiance just found out that I was molested from age 4 on and off until I left my mom’s house at age 16. It was my mom’s long time boyfriend. They are still together. My fiance is a distant cousin of his. The only thing I previously shared with my fiance was that he touched Me. I just told him the full real story last nite. I never wanted to lie I just didn’t know how to tell him. I felt like he didn’t want me anymore. I cried for help for a long time. Only person that ever believed me was an aunt,that’s who I went to live with when I left. I have been abused my whole life. I am 28 and was married and now divorced. My ex husband was abusive. I have been battling with depression and feeling worthless. My fiance does not understand how I can go by my Mom’s house. I actually feel sorry for her . Her boyfriend I just act like he isn’t there. This is the norm. I left them in God’s hands. My fiance was very aggressive in asking questions like why didn’t I leave before? As a teenager I must have been a willing participant because I stayed there. It hurt Me so badly to here him say these things. Before I was so sure he loved me now I’m not sure. I really do love him unconditionally and want to get married. How do I move on from this and get him to understand. I’m so lost and depressed.
Pat LApril 3rd, 2015 at 8:24 AM
Hi Lany, I experienced the sae trauma @ age 6. If I were you, I would ask your fiance to do some reading about childhod sexual assault.
I would pull up some sites related to “why did you not leave if u knew it was wrong”. These predators have absolute power over us, even if it isn’t stated. If he loves you, he will be willing. Counselling for u both would help as well. Good luck girl♥
LannyMay 8th, 2015 at 11:55 PM
Thanx Pat. Things get better everyday. I pray and wish the best for all of us that are survivors .
TiffanyJune 29th, 2015 at 11:34 PM
I would recommend getting into therapy. To help you and then your fiancé. He is angry. Not at you but at the fact that someone he loves was hurt by someone he knows. He’s trying to make sense out of it that’s why he says you should have left sooner. Pray about it on your knees to God everyday darling and buy a bamboo plant from Walmart it’s under $20 located in the garden center. It takes away depression. And helps you feel less stuck. It will give your home joy and peace. Best of luck to you.
sadelApril 27th, 2015 at 5:12 AM
My gf told me that from 8 to when she almost was 15
Her cousin and uncle had intercourse with her daily. Her words were everything but anal.
The abuse ended cause she went back home. She had sex with her uncle the last day she was there.
Shes made some comments like she didnt mind when they came to her room….it was an escape from reality…she has stated nurmous times the physical abuse her aunt gave her…
It was a way of life
Got used to it
Theres other things that our worse
Is some of the things she said
I dont understand how and why
She was almost 15 n going home n she let them
It wasnt like she was threatend n feared for her life
Or she put up a fight n she was over powered
She did as asked and it went on daily
Its effected me.greatly as her partner
TianaMay 1st, 2015 at 3:45 AM
I was molested by my dad at the age of 8 several times , he was a alcoholic. My neighbour which was a FREIND also molested me and made me molest her. She was younger then me by 2 years… I was bullied by my friends and there mothers in elementary school on a daily basis.. I told my mum once that my dad touched me and She didn’t put me into counselling or anything.. I’m currently 18 years old and strangely I supressed these memories all my life till I was about 16. They came back to me by my dreams, everyday id dream of newly men raping me and they feel so real.. Till today I’m struggling with depression and anxiety my family can’t help me, they all have their life on track and here I am, dropped out of school , can’t keep a job , cant keep freinds, Im the youngest and I’ve never had a voice. If I am to say something it’s either “she’s young and silly” or “she’s just going through a teenage phase” Im struggling so much I’ve always faked a smile if you see me on a daily basis you won’t assume anything is wrong with me. I seem to be everyone’s shoulder to cry on but I ccant seem to let it out to anyone. I hate appearing weak. I’m just so tired of my life. I’m tired of the world being a unsafe place, I wish I could go to my mother and just cry on her shoulder but she’s depressed herself being a single mum working 2 jobs isn’t easy. I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t kills myself cause my mum will kill herself if I do . I can’t put my family through pain even though there the cause of mine.. I just feel so vulnerable :(
I know this is long guys it just felt good to let it out x
DeeDeeMay 8th, 2015 at 6:32 PM
I was like you. I am 42 now but I spent my 20s and much of my 30s in deep depression. I wasn’t molested by my dad but by my brother and I don’t know how but others can sniff out your weakness and I was made a victim many times over. I was fired from jobs because I was drinking to self medicate all the time. To make a long story short, it can get better. I own a home with a pool and I drive a bmw. I have a great job. The best advice I have ever heard – I will share with you…No matter how you feel, get dressed,make yourself up and get there. Everyday will get better and your hard work will build your confidence and your life. God bless you. I felt the need to share this with you. I still fight my depression and feel less than a lot of days. I don’t know if it is possible to get rid of it but you deserve a life so fight like I did and there is relief. I promise.
TianaMay 8th, 2015 at 8:36 PM
Thank you ❤️
I wrote this when I was kinda off edge. I know it will pass but it just seems like a burden. It will always linger.
I genuinely wish the best for you xx
TiffanyJune 29th, 2015 at 11:25 PM
Hi I saw your post. Buy a Bamboo plant from walmart located in the garden center. It will give you joy and wealth. It also takes away depression and anxiety. It helps you feel less stuck. You can buy one for $10.98. I used to suffer from depression and anxiety. Once I bought my bamboo plant I felt it’s power almost immediately. Prayer works to pray to God on your knees with your whole heart for healing and help. Your dreams will come true I promise. Best of luck to you
MeganJuly 14th, 2015 at 8:33 PM
Your life is worth more than you know. Please be safe.
kswagMay 5th, 2015 at 5:20 PM
I was emotionally and physically abused by all of my mothers partners in life. From birth, to now on my own at 19 I have been raised to think that men are selfish. They seem nice at first then when they know that they own you, the true hideous man inside arises. I had four dads in my life. Each for a short while, beating up on my mom and then coming to me and my siblings for seconds. I have been in and out of domestic violence shelthers since I was 13. I didnt realize the huge affect this abuse had on me. Now that I am on my own at age 19 and in college I am in my first real relationship. I thought I was ready, I was totally wrong. We’re going on 7 months now and I can tell I’m starting to love him. The one thing I’ve ever done with any of my other past relationships. But now I’m having nightmares, I’m staying up late at night crying because of my thoughts. I’m pulling away from someone who treats me like a queen just because I can’t get the faces of those men out of my mind when he looks at me. I’m just so afraid that he’s being nice now, charming me, then once I trust him and let him in, he will be like all the others. I’m losing my mind, I almost ended my relationship. So I definitely relate with all of you that it is true that it does affect us even if we don’t notice it at first. I’m just going to take it one day at a time, and maybe he can prove to me he’s not like the others.
MissyJune 15th, 2015 at 10:10 PM
Thank you for sharing! I’m 21 years old and deff can relate to how your feeling. I was molested from 7-8 years old and than at 17 I confied into an adult about my past seeking help and guidance and honestly that’s what he gave me at first. He than began to use my past to get ‘closer’ to me to help and than it turned into him just trying to get closer to me for what he really wanted for himself sexually. And I regretfully say he succeeded and used my past to get my trust and so forth.
I know what you mean being scared of every guy that comes your way thinking he might be like the ‘others’. Every guy that I’ve had a relationship with in the past hasn’t gone past a certain point of me trusting him. I like him, he likes me, we date, we spend lots of time together, and than he starts moving forward in the relationship and I freak out and end it. Not because he was a bad guy or anything but because I don’t know emotionally if I could handle it and learn to trust him with all my being and heart. It deff has ruined some good relationships for me and than I get mad at myself for being that way but its so hard to look past the nitemares and horrible memories and ‘what ifs’ of my dumb brain.
For most ppl it’s natural to trust ppl they happen to meet randomly, for me it’s natural to trust nobody that I meet. I don’t try to do it on purpose and half the time I don’t realize that I’m doing it until I get that bad feeling deep inside about something. Growing up being scared of getting ‘hurt’ again I always felt like I had to exam ppl and watch them and read them in every way and form that I possibly could to make sure they weren’t lying or manipulating me of some sort and I did it so much that it Litterally just became a way of life for me. I couldn’t go to the grocery store without being scared enough to read every person I saw.
For a little girl to be that aware and conscious of danger alll the time deffintily puts some emotional strains in her mind.
Nobody will EVER be able to understand how the minds and hearts of those who have been sexually abused, work or respond unless they themselves have experienced it. I heard someone call ppl who were sexually abused (like ourselves) “Secret Survivors”. Nobody will understand the toll it takes on us to get up every day and try everything in our power to not think about it, or to not assume every guy we meet is bad, or to emotionally be normal. Sadly most ppl don’t “Survive”. They let the drug abuse or sexual want, or never trusting a man, control them and it ruins their life inside emotionally and outwardly physically. Even though innocence was taken away from us, not by choice, doesn’t mean we don’t have the same shot at a happy life and marriage just like everyone else. Yea it takes so much more from us to get there but its (in my opinion) more rewarding than anyone of thier marriages and life’s could ever be.
Some ppl tell me it’s sad to them that I live my life so untrusting and cautious and not freely emotional wise. And when I think about it, it honestly is and I wish everyday that I wasn’t like that, but reality is I am and ether I fight it and let it control my future and happiness in life, in marriage, and with my kids or I except it and know that I can be in control, not my emotions. It’s not easy, but its not worth letting it go and letting my emotions drive me crazy for the rest of my life.
mandyAugust 3rd, 2015 at 11:18 AM
I can related to you I’m 29 years old and I just remembering a lot from me being a child . I don’t even like saying the words but I was sexual abuse by my mother ex boyfriend brother I had to be 7 or 8 years old I woke up to his hand in my panties touching me I can’t even write about it .I’m so argue inside , and I married and I feel like I’m alone hopefully one day soon I can tell my story., I just found this website yesterday and it’s helping me . Reading all yall nightmares and seeing I’m not the only who feel like this . Missy your story bring me into tears cause it bringing back all my memory back soon i will be able to stare my pain
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ddJune 4th, 2015 at 6:10 AM
Hi everyone. In my life things happened. I don’t know what happened when I was a child but I’m guessing that I saw my parents fighting a lot. About my dad cheating and my dad is greedy and stubborn. But all I remember is that I developed a fear of nudity. That it made me want to kill myself when I was seven. I didn’t want my brother’s or father to look at naked women. It drove me insane. Luckily my husband is a good man and he understands how it affects me. And respects how I feel about that.
Anyway I was very aggressive as a child and use to have terrible nightmares. I can remember that my mom has been really rough on me my whole life. She made me dress in ugly clothes and she would say mean things to me about my appearance. Today I can’t seem to really figure out What I look like .
My dad had affairs and he was hardly home when I was around twelve and thirteen. Then we found out about the other woman.
My mom became an alcoholic and my dad was never home.
Chaos ensued our lives. at sixteen we dropped out of school and I started doing a lot of drugs.
I dated a guy and I became very insecure and unstable, then he stalked me and ruined my life.
He humiliated me and his friends mocked me. Everyone was laughing at me and over night I developed a extreme phobia towards ppeople and it ruined my life. I went back to school at seventeen and it was extremely hard. I was angry. Withdrawing and I wanted to commit suicide but I couldn’t do it. My parents didn’t care about me.
So in desperation I called out to Jesus and he heard me. But you can’t undo such abuse over night.
Six years ago all this happened. I still struggle with anxiety and I still get anxiety attacks when I see ppl of the past. My mom belittles me always in front of other ppl. She insults my appearance and says I can’t do anything.
I never knew how scarred I was until I met my husband. I just wanted to seduce him but he was a good guy and he wanted to marry me. in fact his wonderful but I am ashamed of the pperson I am today. Every woman is a threat and . Can’t control my anger about it even when I kniw it’s irrational. I just can’t trust someone just like that. I strjuggle immensely. It’s like a feeling that takes massive control over you and won’t let go and then you can’t hel.p. But act upon it.
I struggle with insecurity and I struggle with jealousy. I sometimes consider suicide but then I can’t.
I’m worried about the relationship most of the time and I’m sick if myself.
But knowing Jesus has helped a lot and I have been healing through ‘re-experiences of relationship because I didn’t date for six years because I was to asfraid of my own feelings.
But through pain I have healed and I’m getting better everyday and luckily my husband is patient and helps me through situations where it feels like I lose my mind.
And God comforts me and gives me hope. But it’s terribly hard and I wish I was normal like everyone else but I’m stuck.
TiffanyJune 29th, 2015 at 11:10 PM
Buy a bamboo plant it will help improve your mood and bring you immense joy and peace. You won’t feel depressed or suicidal any more you can buy it from walmart in the garden center for under $20. Best of luck to you and keep praying on your knees to God asking for his help in Jesus name amen
RubiJune 14th, 2015 at 12:06 AM
When I was in elementary school in 4 or 5th grade my older brother molested me he ruined my childhood I feel disgusted by it my mom did not believe me cuss of course that her son I hated her for that I needed her n she let it happen my brother always denies it he can’t face the truth but I know the only way to move on is to face your fears confront your demons face to face cuss this sure as hell ain’t happening to my daughter her future holds love and happiness not molestation or raped she has a life to fulfilled and live in happiness I know her destiny doesn’t hold that cuss God is going to protect her God won’t let nothing evil or bad happen to his daughter Melissa in Jesus name .
KaterinaJune 28th, 2015 at 8:45 AM
It took me years to realize that I was actually molested by him. I loved him so much and was certain that he loved me. But He never said it. He did nt have to, it was all in his actions. He would spend time with me alone, brought me things, gave me love and time. But I later realised all were conditional. If I do this for you, you have to do something for me, he would say. So I did. When I refused he would ignore me, pay attention to another girl, and I hated that, rejection I guess. So I let him, he asked I said yes. I had this relationship with my brother for 5 years. and it took me even longer to realize that it broke my heart when I realised that he only ever wanted me for that. It’s hard to put the pieces back together now.
I know how you all feel, I don’t meet many who have also been abused, which is a good thing, I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what I did. And feel what I feel everyday.
MeganJuly 14th, 2015 at 8:27 PM
I’ve been feeling the deep down kind of depression that I haven’t felt since I was a teenager. I’m 30 now. I moved out of my parents house once when I was 16 and finally when I was almost 18.
My dad was the scariest person I knew. He would beat my brother and I over the smallest things while my mom screamed and cried for him to stop in the next room.
Once I was out of the house, I stopped speaking to him. It was difficult because him and my mom are still married and very much in love. My dad would sometimes get a word With me if I was talking to my mom over the phone.
He would mostly deny any abuse and joke/ laugh at me for being upset.
He’s never truly admitted to any of the abuse. If I try to talk to my mom about it she just gets so upset and it makes me feel terrible. I know they both had rough upbringings and I feel like a brat for complaining.
My brother and I still talk about how my dad beat us up.
Why is this still an issue? Why can’t I just move on? It’s been 12 years since I’ve seen my dad. Please help.
Tigerlily333August 16th, 2015 at 4:57 PM
I am trying to heal from my abusive childhood.I am in my mid 40’s and am engulfed with anger, depression, anxiety, PTSD.My abusers were my parents. As a child my father fondled me, raged on me, targeted me ( I do believe he targeted me because as a small child, not even knowingly, I mentioned, complained, or ‘called him out’ on some abuse he did to me.)He has publicly humiliated me on SEVERAL OCCASIONS. He controled the household, masterfully manipulated and charmed everyone in the public eye, but behind closed doors, his real arrogantly entitled narcisstic self showed and flourished.He belittled, and still will if he can, me at every chance.I bruised his ago as a child, so he targeted me, and made my life a living hell…
He and my mother are old now..I am back at home since I never got married, taking care of them both..None of several siblings help..They all had to deal with his abuse also.All different kinds, on different levels.One sister was targeted more with sexual abuse. ..She didn’t say anything, so she got perks such as cars, expensive pets, college paid for..One sibling was a target for insults, being called ugly, who would marry her, makeup was useless on her.She developed many mental health issues, was in an abusive marriage until her husband divorced her, and I do believe history has repeated itself, as her children seem to have many issues, one sibling, a brother, has the same mentality as my father, was very ignorant, abusive towards everyone, hypersexual, acts sexually vulgar in front of me to this day, feela special, entitled, narcisstic.
I am angry, tired, worn out.I have a chronic illness and am in alot of pain.No one helps me with them..The senior parents are demanding, entitled, and overwhelming for me, plus still emotionally and verbally abusive at times.
I am angry at my mother.I feel she allowed the abuse.Stayed with this man in the name of the Catholic religion.She portrayed us as the perfect little rich family publicly, while behind our closed doors we endured trauma, neglect, abuse.I feel she threw us under the bus because she didn’t want to be victimized by him….so better us then her.She should have protected us.We should have came first, NOT her husband and his wants.She should have stood up to him, and been woman enough to protect her brood..But all ahe did and still does is denies the abuse, when she does admit to some of the things that went on, she devalues, minimizes, or will not validate the pain and suffering we endured. She would blame us, still does, claiming we start ‘trouble’, if we try to get an admission from her of their awful abuse.
So now I am trying to work on the art of forgiveness. If I can’t forgive, why should God forgive me? I read Jesus forgave those who tortured, tormented, and murdered him.I read Jesus forgave those who betrayed him.I read forgiveness isn’t giving anyone a free pass for their harm, I read forgiveness is accepting what happened. .accepting it cannot be changed, but also freeing one of their pain and suffering. .Hating those who harm us just torments us more..We hang on to these moments in time as they play over in our heads like a residual ghost. ..Not letting go, and not forgiving doesn’t bother our abusers..They don’t care.If they did care, they would not have repeatedly abused usin the first place..Not forgiving hurts us more, as we live forever in those moments of pain and suffering, then we can’t grow emotionally, or spiritually in life..
I am NOT there yet.Still figuring it out..But pray for you all. And hope you all find peace and healing in life..May God’s light be with anyone who reads this ♡
MaryNovember 24th, 2015 at 12:43 PM
I was so sad to read your post. I would hope that you could let go of that feeling of obligation that you feel for your parents. They were supposed to protect you and didn’t. Also being raised Catholic, I know the guilt that you feel. Try hard to let go of that. You need to live your life for yourself. They have already taken so much from you. I can’t forgive a “friend” who slept with my husband for years. Will I be forgiven for my sins if I cannot forgive her. Hopefully in time I will. I do say the words hoping that it will begin the process, but no go so far. Again, I’m sorry for what happened to you. Truthfully, I don’t feel they deserve you.
AlanaAugust 18th, 2015 at 8:18 AM
I’m 27 years old and my mother and I have no relationship at all. I think for me it’s to late to build one. As I child I learned very young how selfish my mother was. To top it off, she physically and verbally assaulted me on a day to day basis. I was never allowed to socialize with anyone, if I made friends, she’d chase them away.
Between both parents my father was obviously my favourite. I was little, i remember when he’d come home from work I’d get so excited to see him and i’d run and give him a huge hug. One day he didn’t accept my hug he just pushed me away and said I am not to hug him anymore. I looked at my mom and she gave me the dirtiest look I didn’t understand why till much later. She accused me of sleeping with my father, she’d say things like my husband is for me go get your own, and would beat the crap out of me.
My mother’s mother, was a terrible person too. My parents went on vacation and left my siblings and I with her I was in fifth grade at the time. She’d feed me once a day. A chicken leg and two pieces of brocoli and tell me i don’t deserve food i’m fat. I spoke to a boy I had a crush on one time, she accused me of not being a virgin and punished me by putting ginger and pepper in my private parts everyday to punish me till my parents came back. Ever since then I have not had the courage to get into a relationship, I get scared to talk to men. She told my mom and my mom approved of her punishment. I remember someone tried to kidnapp me when I was walking to school. I fought off the attacker, ran to school and told my teacher at the time and he called the police and called my mother at home, my grandmother was there with her. Instead of being concerned and asking if I was OK I received a full on verbal attack by both of them. They called me a slut, stupid idiot, my grandmother threatened to beat me up, they both told me it’s my fault because it was the way I probably looked at him that’s why he approached me. I never forgot that day. It hurt me to my very core.
So much horribke things happened to me, If I felt alone growing up and felt my dad didn’t protect me because he couldn’t protect himself from her, she bullied him then and bullies him now. I’d never forget when they argued and she pushed him down the stairs. I remember most of my childhood was spent crying and wishing there was someone for me to talk to, for god to help me. My mental health deteriorated. I grew up to be an angry person. Looked for love in the wrong people, i was desperate for it at a time in my life. Even though I knew it wasn’t right, I held on to negative relationships hoping someday they will love me. I ended up cutting, tried to commit suicide. Still have those tendencies. I feel like I can’t bring myself to love others. My heart feels so cold, I push people who actually want to care for me away. I have no relationships with anyone and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago. I still feel alone. It sucks when you can’t pick your family.
Will D.August 21st, 2015 at 9:55 PM
Dear Alana, I read your story that you had posted. My heart goes out to you and hope for you to be able to love, whether it is intimate or just a friend in the future.
Please never take your own life! Always remember that you are a true gift to this world! You will know that you can be loved truly and there can be those people who will and can always love you and will never push you away.
My mother had went through abuse as a child. I too had my own situations to deal with. But I want to tell you want my mother told me.
You may not be able to choose who your blood family is. But you can choose who your real family is. Whether that be intimate partner, your best friend or even just people who do or say something kind.
You need the build and pick that family you deserve.
I read how you say you push away others that care. Just ask them if you can to let you take it slow and let them show you and prove to you they are worth your love. I get it that it may be frightening to love especially when the people that are suppose to love you by default could be so cruel an showing no love. But that’s why I say you have to make your family it has truly helped me to trust enough again to try love.
Please always know your a gift to this world and you are special!
JorsDecember 5th, 2015 at 1:54 AM
Dear alana..reading you’re story makes me cried…. I know God is still with you he gives you a trials because he knows you can make it… Just trust him and everything will be alright… Find reason to be happy each day be positive… <3
SteveAugust 18th, 2015 at 4:40 PM
I believe my wife has been sexually molested. Many of the symptoms described she has exhibited.I don’t know how to get her to open up about it. It is definitely causing problems in our marriage.
MandySeptember 20th, 2015 at 4:06 PM
I suffered child abuse from 6yrs of age to 15yrs of age. I then married my first and only love at 18yrs of age. Then followed yrs of abuse, I have been single the last 14 yrs but have had no relationships due to fear, am I destined to be alone
anonymous loveSeptember 23rd, 2015 at 4:39 PM
I know how you feel even at age 21 im still living with parents but barley home now that i got into relationship but my mom still insist of insulting,hurting me physically and threatening me its nice to know there are survivors out there who keep going in life and trying and that have overcame any type of abuse
The GoodTherapy.org TeamSeptember 23rd, 2015 at 7:46 PM
Thank you for your comment, anonymous love. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
PrivateSeptember 30th, 2015 at 2:44 PM
When I was younger I use to live with may dad an stepmother an 2 stepbrother an I was sexual abuse an I use to live under a lot of peered peussre from my stepmother an stepbrothers an she always use to be one of my biggest person who I use to be afraid of now am 25 living with my family but my common law I knows that he love me but I don’t know y it’s my fault to be picking on this man for my I don’t know if it’s because of my pass life but am real trying an I believe that I still has fear from her I don’t know y
JessicaOctober 21st, 2015 at 12:58 AM
Can anyone point me to material in Soaniag that talks about how to understand partners who have been abuse?
I’m coming to realizations that I was abused by my grandfather when I was 4 yes old until ?
I’d like to start passing on information to my partner because I’ve been so fragile lately.
CarrrieApril 21st, 2016 at 6:05 AM
I was never to my knowledge abused sexually by anyone. I’m aware it happens to many and while it’s crippling to those who have been victims of sexual abuse , I can’t seem to understand why I am crippled . I mean I have other issues that women who have been abused don’t. It seems like they seem to have sexual relationships and function just fine , comparatively because I can’t even seem to even get into a physical relationship with men . Maybe my issues are strictly gender issues . Always was and will be a tomboy . Thought I was straight for a long time , just couldn’t seem to make that connection with a man. I tried when I was drinking alcohol but that was disastrous the first time , after that only had drunken one night stands. Even still only one time did it seem to go from start to finish . I have the guy my real phone number but when he called I chickened out and ran away. But long story short, it’s not just victims of sexual abuse that can be disfunctional. I think everybody is . I think we can all trick ourselves into believing we know what we are doing or be content in that but it’s all improvised and there’s really no set standard or examples.
LilianMay 4th, 2016 at 6:32 PM
I can remember those days when my parents always tell me that l am useless and a waste of space, everything l do is being sneered until l can not do anything at all. They are now seeing the implication of what they have done and they are complaining.
JadeMay 29th, 2016 at 3:31 PM
Okay, so as a child i was very insecure and was bullied by my cousins and older family members such as my aunt and nanny, i was always called a cry baby and if anything happened to my younger sister i would be blamed and shouted at, sometimes i was hit or kicked by my family. Though anyone near to our family, like friends or my dad’s parents saw what was happening, they did nothing to stop it or to help me cope with the stress and torment i was going through.
My nanny encouraged the abuse when she told my mother that I had sworn, and this lead to my mother pushing me down and literally shoving a bar of soap down my throat until I couldn’t breath.
When i turned six years of age, i started puberty – this was something that terrified me and nearly broke my thought process as a child, my aunt called me a freak and my mother would talk about to anyone who would listen and this hurt because i felt deeply ashamed about what i was going through. When I went to the hospital to have a number of tests I would have my mother pull my skirt down to show the doctor my vagina so they could see what was happening to me, again I felt mortified and confused about what was happening, I had no idea of what was going on and why – I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was now a ‘freak’ to my family and how my sister liked to tell my friends and neighbours that I had pubic hair that needed to be cut with scissors, the older boys who lived nearby got a kick out of this fact for the remainder of my time in that estate.
It was around this time i was moved from a school in which where the teacher would bully me, she kept me behind after lessons and during lunch so i could work on some of the worksheets we had already written out and completed.
At this new school i was bullied by everyone, no teacher tried to help me and because of my ridiculously long hair, the girls found me an easy target for hair pulling and cutting.
I was never able to understand the importance of school, the reason of learning or an education at all, and I am embarrassed to say that at the age of 18 I only found this fact out when I was close to finishing high school.
When at school I would be beaten and called names, the girls would swear and make crude remarks that I didn’t understand so they would find it fun to pick on me for this. When I got tired of being lonely in year 5, I asked the boys in my class if I could play with them, live action role play, football and card games soon became something of a joy to me as I was no longer alone, this joy was short lived however when the girls got jealous and tried to break my nose and self-a-steam; I was called ugly, nasty, I was told I had a bad attitude and made myself a victim by my teachers. When I got braces in year 5 I could not say a lot of my alphabet, in fact my speech was so bad that I could not form a tangible sentence. My teachers would make me stand at the front of the class and speak to them just for kicks, if my teacher was feeling really mean then they would take me down to the year one class and tell me to spend the day learning speech formation there.
When I turned 8 my dad left, I still see him and go to his house where he lives with his fiancé, who is the best lady ever, so kind and understanding. My mother got a new boyfriend, and when I was 8 ½ he asked me to sit on his lap and to watch a video, I didn’t want to so I denied him for a few weeks, when he started to get desperate and one day he dragged me to the computer and made me watch porn, somethings like rape re-enactments, and BDSM abuse that I believed at the time to be real and not part of an act to get more views.
When I turned 10, he made me act out some of the scenes, no penetration was done, but things like fellatio, and touching was involved, I felt sick and when I tried to tell my mother, she told me to stop lying and that he wouldn’t do that. When I turned 11 he would drag me from my bed and make me watch videos while he touched me, still half asleep. Sometime when I was 11 ½ he … lay me down and re-enacted some of the cunnilingus scenes, it felt good, but I knew it was wrong and felt disgusted at myself for thinking it was pleasurable – I still feel this way … like I was the one in the wrong?
I am now 18 and have had one boyfriend, this would be fine but … when he tried to kiss me or hug me, I would get freaked by his touch and freeze up completely, is this normal for the experience I went through?
Has anyone else felt this way??
Can someone please help me through the things I am feeling, I feel that I will never have a healthy, happy relationship at this rate.
MaggyeJune 8th, 2016 at 4:19 AM
First, I’d like to send love and peace to you all.
I too have suffered at the hand of a parent and other family members, I love this parent so much that I also have to deal with the guilt of flashbacks. I left home to the real world aged 18 with broken wings, no preparation or ammunition or warnings or advice. I had faith, hope and what I thought was a strong vibrant spirit. It took me another 19 years of being used, abused and exploited by others to realize and understand the damage done to me in my childhood and teenage years and how it impacted my adult life, I had no identity an lot of potential. I lost too much without knowing what was happening to me, some get a lemon or two others get few trees :))… My experiences didn’t turn me into a hateful person on the contrary they’ve made emphatic and over sensitive to the pains of others especially children. The child in me will always yearn and wonder why me, what did I do wrong, maybe I am just irrelevant and one day I will cease to exist. The worst feeling is waking up each morning with an overwhelming sadness and nothing to look forward to…. I tried everything and I can’t give up. The road to recovery is very long and hard but I have no choice. I once had a dream to do good and help heal the world instead I am to spent the rest of my life healing my own traumas…The Irony!! What a waste of an existence so far! I so want to be a productive person but I feel empty.
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