Working with an Uncooperative Partner: 6 Tips for Success

View of the feet in outdoor shoes of two people on ground with leaves. The feet are facing but standing apartImagine you are in a long-term relationship that, like all relationships, has its rough patches, its areas that need improvement. You are motivated to address these difficulties in order to elicit change, grow, and bring your relationship to another level. Your partner, on the other hand, is unmotivated and unwilling to put forth the same effort.

There may be any number of reasons behind their lack of motivation: They may be facing personal struggles or mental health or emotional challenges. This may simply be who they are.

Whatever the case, you may face extreme disappointment when confronted with this reality. You may beg, plead, try any number of methods to encourage your partner to cooperate, all to no avail. Some people may take this as a sign that the relationship will not work out and end it there. Others may prefer to stay in the relationship, for any number of reasons, and decide to do their best with what they have.

If you are in this situation and are among those who have decided to stay, you may wish to seek support from friends, family, and even a trained therapist or counselor. You might also consider the six strategies below as possible ways to constructively address the situation in order to create optimal dynamics in your relationship.

1. Take Care of Your Own Wants

Even the most ideal partner may not be able to provide everything you want. With an uncooperative partner, you may feel even less fulfilled. You might experience frustration and anger or develop the urge to try and change your partner, to push them to do what you want. However, these strategies usually are not helpful. Ultimately, it’s generally best to empower yourself to take care of your own needs and wants rather than relying on your partner to do so. Yes, it may be disappointing to engage with an inconsiderate partner, but by becoming proactive in doing whatever is in your power to fulfill your wants, you are taking control over your life. Rather than expecting or waiting for your partner to do things with you and becoming upset when they don’t, you become better able to proactively find your own solutions.

2. Create Fulfilling Venues

Many individuals enter into a long-term relationship expecting their partners to fulfill all of their needs. They may expect a partner to be a companion, a protector, a lover, an intellectual peer, and/or to share the same hobbies and interests. But what if your partner cannot fulfill all of these wants? My suggestion is to find new channels to satisfy yourself and create a more meaningful and fulfilling life, with or without the other person. You can go to the gym, join a book or a movie club, participate in a philosophy group, take a class, build friendships, an so on. By diversifying your interests and social circles, you may find multiple ways to be fulfilled. Indirectly, you are likely to feel less frustrated with your partner as you reduce your reliance on them.

3. Build a Support System

It is always a good idea to surround yourself with an environment that is conducive to your well-being and happiness. Your ideal environment might include family, friends, and/or social and professional networks, for example. Anyone can benefit from social and emotional support, and you can turn to these people in times of need in order to gain a better perspective, seek encouragement, and increase self-esteem. It is usually helpful to talk, reflect, analyze and brainstorm with others about challenges and issues. In addition, social support is considered a form of psychological support, and you may find it improves your quality of life while also creating a buffer against the shock of unpleasant situations. There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it.

4. Set Boundaries

One key element of creating healthy and happy relationships is setting boundaries. It can be even more crucial to establish clear boundaries when engaging with partners who may try to manipulate, use, and take advantage of situations. Defining what you are willing to tolerate and communicating this to your partner is an effective strategy. By acting assertively, you can not only protect yourself but also empower your partner to take responsibility for their actions and needs. Be consistent and stick to your boundaries. Often, the discipline of boundaries will generate positive results in your lives. Yes, it can be challenging to set boundaries in relationships with partners who do not support limits. But it is absolutely possible and is necessary to your well-being.

5. Reinforce and Influence Your Partner

When you are the best partner you can be, you may be better able to influence your partner, who might eventually follow and provide you with the same attitude and support. When you offer support—perhaps by listening actively, asking clarifying questions, and otherwise behaving in a way that demonstrates positive and constructive intention—you send a clear message to your partner: “I am here to support you. We are facing this challenge together. You are welcome to participate.”  Make an effort to find ways to reinforce your partner and reward them.

6. Accept and Let Go

There may come a point in the relationship when you find that to continue in it requires giving up on certain goals, expectations, or visions you have cherished, and you may then face a difficult choice: Leave it, or live with it. Many people find their situations too painful and/or unrewarding and leave the relationship, choosing not to further compromise themselves. Others accept that the situation is unlikely to change but decide to stay nonetheless, continuing to pursue happiness and fulfillment by letting go of some of their desires and expectations or changing their perspective regarding them. Whether you let go of the relationship or let go of some of what you had hoped for, it is necessary to come to the realization that the other person is beyond your power. Trying to control what cannot be controlled requires large amounts of energy and resources that could possibly be used to achieve something better and more fulfilling in your life. Whether you choose to “leave it” or “live with it,” you regain the power of control and can focus on fulfilling your life rather than hoping for an uncooperative partner to do it for you.

It is generally believed that humans are meant for connection and relationships. Most of us desire to live a life that is not isolated but diverse and interconnected, shared with a variety of people who all contribute meaning in a variety of ways. You may wish to share everything, or at least most things, with a partner, but this may not always be feasible. Yes, it is normal to expect a partner to change and be more cooperative toward shared goals or the relationship itself. But you might wish to consider whether it is better to focus on making fulfilling changes for yourself rather than pushing your partner to change. Then, if you don’t get the outcome you want from your partner, you won’t have wasted your energy but will instead have experienced personal growth, perhaps creating a more fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself in the process.

Your personal growth provides the freedom to exist with other people, even uncooperative ones, in a new manner, one in which your happiness no longer depends on another person.

© Copyright 2016 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Moshe Ratson, MBA, MS, LMFT, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • abbie

    December 20th, 2016 at 8:25 AM

    But my husband makes me feel so guilty when I take care of what I want. But I mean if he is being grouchy then what else am I supposed to do?
    I have decided to take this little bit of time for me when I need it because I have waited too long for him to take care of it and honestly he just doesn’t seem all that into it anymore.

  • Mills

    December 21st, 2016 at 10:03 AM

    So I guess my concern is about why would you ever want to settle for someone in your life who is not cooperative in any way with you? Do you think so little of yourself that you feel like this is the best that you can do? Because believe me, I don’t even know you but I know that that’s not true. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life who loves them more than that.

  • tinsley

    December 21st, 2016 at 1:54 PM

    The bad thing is that the one who is being unresponsive and ambivalent is actually thinking that you are behaving the exact same way.

  • Shane

    February 1st, 2019 at 6:46 AM

    They may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m suffering the same with my spouse. Look into the disorder, you will be amazed.

  • Thomas

    December 22nd, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    I think that it is ok to have disagreements with your partner but they should also know that there are always going to be limits to what you will or will not accept, just as they have to be willing to establish the same boundaries with you.
    I think that couples who have all of this mapped out are going to know when to push back and when to maybe not cross the line, and I think that if that understanding is built from the very beginning then you will have a more successful relationship with each other.
    It is those couples who have a constant push pull with one another, with each of them always trying to gain the upper hand in some ways, those are the ones that can be the biggest challenge to succeed.

  • mel g

    December 23rd, 2016 at 8:30 AM

    I always find myself to be disappointed but I know that a lot of that stems from having unrealistic expectations of what I should expect from him.

  • Sheila

    December 24th, 2016 at 6:20 AM

    In many instances I think that you actually have to give yourself permission to move on. Don’t continue to hold onto something that obviously doesn’t care as much abut you as you care about them. This is not being selfish. This is actually the first move that you can take to take care of yourself.

  • Laurel

    December 26th, 2016 at 10:50 AM

    I have known people before who use this as a passive aggressive way to get back at people, to just choose to be non responsive and uncooperative and that is their way of getting back at them. People who are like that just are not worth the time and energy that they cause you to use up. It can be a serious drain on the mind and a big waste of your time, especially when you are the one continually doing all of the heavy lifting.

  • Callie

    December 28th, 2021 at 4:47 PM

    As of 1999 I just wanted the new millennium to start anew in peace with my husband after his father and the good old boys in the community used their power to jail him for two weeks and make him work the holiday shutdown, He had not had a day off since thanksgiving of 1981 refusing to try what the family and community wanted him to try when he returned from the Navys submarine service to his UAW position from his military leave with 9 and a half years seniority in the plant. For 15 years after his discharge, I had been trying to get him to cooperate on a social level outside the union contact, take his vacations and time off like the holidays and weekends he could have had every third weekend, In 1987 things got very bad with me being sent home to my mother’s for breaking my word about the vacation he should have been able to take to Rome in early June. I had not thought a promise through to get him to give up the vacation so a much younger seniority couple could use his corporate ten-year gift to go and get married. I had promised that any time, any way and anywhere he wanted his vacation after I came back, because I was going as a matron of honor. I would stop using sex as a way to keep him under my thumb swearing that year was the last time I would two years before in 1985, be a travel companion and the wife I should be in both sex and as a travel companion on the trip he wanted after no leave in the navy for four years and no time off the last two. Everyone seemed to want the time off he had seniority to take but we could not figure out a way to let him have it without someone else in his department losing out on it. In 1987 I returned with a list of suggested places we could try in January 1988, but he had already decided he was taking the full six weeks he had coming and bumping the rest of his department back six weeks and was going to cause cancelations of vacations just so he could take a road trip first to his grandfather’s 1200 miles to the west then whatever he thought was interesting. He was not going to consider any need but his, and since I had a conscience, I could not permit him to use that seniority just for himself We expected him to try a negotiation and find someplace he would like the next January and not disrupt the plans of others when, crying I said he would have to figure something else out or not get the sex and marriage he wanted the last 6 years. I said I knew we had not started our marriage yet, but we could not start it over the things that he could find other options for and he with a little planning could have his time off at a time nobody else wanted.
    There is a reason wy submarine sailors have a saying about them, they are iron men that serve in steel ships, When I refused to leave the day we returned I found myself on a bus out of the amtrack terminal to my mothers in Virginia and explaining why My husband told her I had not consummated the marriage since he returned from being under water and she did not understand why I let his father dictate everything I told her the situation and why I could not keep my word She blew up at me then she got the guardianship to assume. Her legal advisor when she asked investigated and told her about my husband’s corporate supplied health insurances, She came to me and asked was I a fool, my husband had supplied every need since 1981 I had received his navy pay and allowances for 3 and a half years Then I went to Rome after I made and signed a promise I did not intend to keep. I was crying and told her that I was trying to get him to try and find a vacation out of the cold of the Midwest. I went into her doghouse the next 30 years until I presented a grandson at the end of 2013. When the good old boy judge decided that my husband’s petition would be trashed, and he would continue to be under the courts thumb until he went to a federal court and had the local court order put aside. When his father came to me and asked how bad did I think things would be if we had him jailed and forced to work the holiday even though he had the tickets to go to Germany, Once he set foot in the plant, his father guaranteed he would be released on Christmas morning to make the best of another working holiday. Instead, when the judge sent four deputies just to keep him from boarding the flight to Munich and taking the millennials off over 117 lesser seniorities since he was the highest in the department When they did not give him the legal Miranda and signed order for incarceration, he flattened the first two deputies that tried to cuff him the other two tassed him to his knees and as they dragged him to their car they were screaming stop resisting he could replace the time after the release just stop resisting it was only a holiday he was going to work.
    He yelled at me as I begged to find something he would like to do after the new year, and we would do it. I yelled I was tired of not having a marriage and him always mad at everyone because he was not getting what he wanted in his life His wish for the holidays was we get a taste of hell before we arrived going into the ocean in flames. We knew we were going to have to come home with an acceptable way to peace because when we came home, we knew it was going to be hell to pay.
    . At that time he was making 21.64 an hour as a machine operator, the holiday shift was doubled and for the first eight hours he was getting 64.92 an hour the weekends and second eight hours he made 43.28 with the 5 percent shift premium he was making 363.55 the second 8 hours he was getting 544 a day for the first eight hours. He would not talk to us on the phone when we called to find out what he wanted to do when we returned, We finally called his union hall to figure out what could be arranged using his 2 months off and ended up talking to his local’s president who stated thank you for ruining his holidays and life. We asked what happened and he said after two weeks in Black Lake getting his and the rest of the union officers rears reamed by the national union because in 15 years they had not seen to my husband’s seniority rights. Had not seen to it he had the vacation and holiday time of his choice off since he had the highest seniority in his department he said since he had access to the phones and computers, he was ripping the community apart over being made to work without legal reasons. Just to support local influence. The judge was gone placed under arrest and we knew who caused that using his army training in inelegance to spot patterns and turning it over to the state. the sheriff was called into a county council meeting and walked out no longer the sheriff other officials were caught in my husband’s net including the man that his father paired me with for the two weeks. I had a one-night stand with him on the morning of the new year that enabled his father to sleep on something besides a roll away after his mother discovered he had the jailing arranged she just about brained his father with a heavy glass ashtray and he was sleeping on a roll way after getting stitch’s she also paid him the nearly 2500 he had lost in nonrefundable flight, he got that in February after his father yelled he was going to use it as he saw fit without consideration for anyone else with all the money we had. By the next summer people were pleading he go into mental health and see a doctor because something was bad wrong. It was crazy when we returned home, I had called from Germany to make a reservation at a B and B four hours away since the company and union were giving the time from his 45th birthday to the 24th off fully paid and not touching his two months personal and vacation time. I had many brochures to places he could take me after the B, and B I was going to try and talk him into Create or the Bahamas maybe Madeira or the Azores or the canaries even had hope to try the Cancun resorts. I was willing to try anything if it would bring peace with the man I lived with and was supposed to be a husband. Our return was hoped to be in peace and negotiation over what was to come. the next two and a half months, we had to wake him up in the parking lot by airport security on the morning of his 45th birthday. He pulled up to the loading area and did not even offer to help load the suburban there was a gift in back for me that said worth more than our 19-year marriage. It had to be tossed in the nearest dumpster since it was filled with dog leavings. I had bought some things at a German sex shop to wear at the B and B and decide the next two months off. Even though it was not his choice there had to be some solution we could arrive at because it was tearing his family up about the fight he was having with his father and the area society over his right of choice. I was crying as his father yelled was that gift called for. My husband just said yes as much as our gift of making him work without a day off for 19 years since we had been trying to get him to stay out of the way of other people in our community and take the least wanted times off. Just let others decide his shifts and jobs wasn’t there a way to just get along over the stupidity of getting his way when with a little prior planning he could take other options other than continually fight everyone to get his way, He again called me a bit**, told his father he was a rat Basta** for advancing his social and political position on his back because he cared less about the damn community and its neurosis about who deserved more because of birth. His father was crying that’s the way it had been since the dawn of time and he was the bottom of the ladder. 30 minuts latter we pulled through a crowd with the new sherif ot front with his lights flashing trying to get everyone to go home We had people screaming we were racists My husband got out and shoved a bull whip in his father’s hands and said he was getting the gift he always wanted the opportunity to beat a uppity nig*** to death and he took his coat and shirts off, when he was dead just donate them as he walked up to a wagon wheel he had set upright in his father’s yard saying get on with it and neither of them had to be in the others way any longer, my husband said this time don’t leave him with a pulse or heartbeat and told me to go shake my boobs in men’s faces as much as I wanted since before our wedding was the last he saw them. His mother sank to the ground almost blue Her sister took her and ran her to the ER where a cardiac infarction was diagnosed, It was not the hoped-for return to negotiation and try other options rather than fight. I quit my dancing job thinking he should not have found out it had been started eight years before because I wanted to be admired and not despised the guardianship was enforced he was still working 12 hours a day and from mid 2000 to july 2001 the headaches he had just got worse other returns to the job in 2000 after the holidays was met with nothing but silence from him one of the men that did not have to work because my husband did went on my husband’s job to show him what his staying and working enabled for him and his wife’s new year’s cruise on the date line. My husband told him to get his pictures and stop rubbing his nose in the fact he had not had a day off in two decades had not even had a wedding night, then my husband grabbed his neck and tossed him and his photos in the jitney isle. everyone felt my husband was insane others wanted him in a hospital to find out about the headaches on thanksgiving 2000 we had a bad Ice storm that bought trees down He was out back chopping up a heavy branch when his father and three others arrived and told him the plant still had power and he was going to work instead of being lazy and stay home. the police had to stop him from using the axe to take their heads and he ended u being escorted to work where he told both his foreman and steward that if they called his father one more time to get him into work, he would dump them in the flue both left the plant that day scared they were going to be killed for bringing him in again. Over Christmas a unloaded pistol was produced, and my husband told he was not going to make a father work when he needed to be with his kids I was crying on the 8th of january we could leave that evening for any place and keep the peace just call his steward and get the time arranged that father did not come back on the 8th, both arms were broken for producing the gun before church on Christmas his father stumbled into his house badly hit with my husband’s fist as my husband yelled he was going to do as he pleased Again the police chief was pleading he was going to keep the peace and go to work. That was all anyone wanted was peace not war over rights. My husband to just keep quiet and not hurt people and try other options just to make everyone happy. that horrid day of his 45th birthday because his father and others wanted him to do things their way without argument then on July 31st hehad a very bad headache that made him cry or that was what we thought. On the 31st a coworker got mad and bounce a half inch hex key pf hismachine and it flew across to where my husband was hitting him in the head his foreman went out begging my husband to stop strangling the man, he was holding him a foot off the floor by the nect and did not even appear to realize it he put him down then threw up on his Forman. My husband was in the Er passed out and we showed up and over objection from his father signed the treatment paperwork when a MRI found the tumor on his brain stem and hydrocephalus. His father screaming that it was just a headache why did he have to take off then in the middle of summer vacations he could use his own time in January and not cause heartache over vacations and holidays, We went to th endoscopic center where his mother knocked his father on his rear telling him the doctor said two days to live without a surgery his father was pleading please don’t sign the papers it was better he die than cause the problems with recovery time. $8 hours later he was sent home with 90 days recovery time approved. Six days later he was sleeping on his mat when his father slapped me across the room and told me to stay out of their way. My husband was not costing their vacations over a hole drilled into his head he might not have too much in the way of memory but if he could walk, he could work. and pick it all back up. They wentinto his room and yanked him up and paid dearly with two men badly hurt his father and the other man came out bleeding holding his arms twisted behind his back as he kicked their knees and hurt them even more yelling at me to call federal authorities and report he was being abducted. since it was friends and his father I could not do it I was waiting when he arrived home at about430 AM. I was just trying to make a joke saying that he was still alive, But I wanted to try something we could work out about after when it was best for all he opened the front door and said get out and I was sitting on the front step crying when his mother and father arrived so we could all try and find a middle ground his father did not get a word out before ending up on his back in the front yard, He said the contract dictated what was best not us, He was not making any deals with us for our snob friends. His mother said she had a pacemaker now from the stress between his father and him, now he was trying to kill anyone that interfered for themselves in what my husband wanted when there had to be a way to find a simple way, he just said get out he was going to bed since his father had signed the against medical advice forms and mark his words the next attempt to interfere with him was going to be painful. He opened his army footlocker, got his old gee and weapons out and started working out hard, He also had pictures from then and a goddess that he had planned to marry in England when they transferred, His father broke that up when he found out she was half Hawaiian half oriental. That was the second thing among many my husband never would forgive. In November 2001 on the 5th I was on my knees pleading with him to pull his bid on a new position in a new plant that was just finished. The four young men were not raised to get dirty in machining and my husband was taking a tool and repair parts position on third shift as the head product receiver. the first two semies of tools was left to him to receive and locate in that crib, since he was by himself without supervision. The people that wanted the position and ended up beaten half to death in the apparent takeover of the bid expected him to fail when they tried to isolate him. Instead, three months later the head VP came down and handed my husband a award for being the most integral person in the startup of that department’s success. One time he was pulled into the office and asked what happened to a one time buy part that was a private replacement tool. My husband said it was on the shelf when he left, and he thought it had been claimed, He opened a logbook showing the time and signature. My husband had noticed a discrepancy in tool handouts to Inventory Including a big heavy toolbox worth 2000. His foreman did not want to check with gate security with dates tools went out of the crib.
    It was a man on days that was pulling his pickup on daily, to the loading docks. Over 1 million in tools had gone into his garage.
    He was told by my husband’s foreman he had one week to get it all back in the department. he asked how he was discovered and the area manager, said his ex-Intelligence analyst came in handy in knowing who the culprit was. The other man was given the choice of being charged with grand theft or turning his retirement in, He was beat up by the people he was selling the toolbox full of tools who expected to get 1 million for half the cost. Him and his wife vanished out of state. When my husband became ill, He was already retiring. Considered to much of a rebel and big mouth as part of his job on midnights he was tasked with handing shiping invoices out to return Aluminum scrap for remelt. The company that did it locked their workforce out and refused to deal with unions They sent a truck to pick it up and as always, my husband went by union rules. Asking for a CDL and union card or he was not turning the load over. They were Mexican and had neither or even spoke English. The truck they drove was unsafe to take 18000 pounds. It used emergency breaks as a way to stop and it was close enough to school start, he was not going to let an unsafe truck get on the road with kids they could kill. $5 minutes later the CEO of the remelt company was at his issuing window. With a state police officer and a deputy. Handing him a fax from the governor directing him to turn the load over no questions asked. when my husband refused to let the load go the state police officer asked what the governor should be told. My husband said whatever he wanted. And he told my husband he was not going to be happy My husband, said he did not work for the governor and cared less what his employee wanted if he wanted the load, he could come get it himself and he would shove a Trailor hitch up his rear and take it himself, the union and company told him he was retiring in 2010. they could not have his big mouth causing any more trouble, His father when he found out was furious about his disrespect to his betters again My husband was already angry because I was on a trip, he should have been on with the orient express. His father and I had canceled him out to allow his trainee to go instead with his 4-month pregnant bride. My husband had already tried to murder the two of us over the canceled summer off since he had not had a day off since 1981 the same time as our last sex was until 2013. His union and company felt he had become mentally unstable. I had arranged as the replacement vacation, a five-week rental On St Croix with a boat and Willys jeep I thought that arranging it that way would get him to finally accept our want of him taking time off in January.
    When we returned, he was on a quest to never do as we asked him to do in the interest of community peace. I could not understand why he would not take his time off in January. It would have made things so easy in creating peace with his father and allowing the community to see to the needs of most the people in it. And he throws me across a conference room dislocating my shoulder and when we came back from Istanbul at the end of the trip, he had us charged and jailed for acting as false agency when we canceled his orient express trip without his permission Before the arraignment i was begging him to drop his charges and I would make it worth his while or was he still getting even with us for starting the main fight when he was jailed in 1999. I was crying i was sorry for helping interfere in his rights of choice since 1985, He could do as he wanted from then on, the last 24 years could not be redone so why not let us start from there.
    We were sentenced to a year in county jail and put in orange and white striped scrubs that evening. Again, a return from a vacation turned worse than imagined for friends and family just because he had been denied his choice not by the company or Union but by interested parties outside work and he was going to take it all down around every one’s head starting with his trainee that was supposed to work He was terminated the day they returned for taking a unauthorized vacation even if it was a post wedding honeymoon. After delivering their daughter she finished getting her RN which was paid by ROTC scholarship while her husband worked menial fast food. She turned their daughter over to her parents for six months while she went to The OFFIERs training school in Road Island and came out as a 2nd Lt. in the navy, she came home and told her husband to either get his degree or join the military and make something of himself, He declined, and she left for Guam with their daughter. Shes still in the Marianas with her mother and step father. a pretty Island girl and her father has not laid eyes on her since 2012.
    Later in 2009 my husband had become very depressed with a auto immune illness called IgGY 4 that allowed MRSA to set up as an abscess at L4L5 in his spine that caused a backbone slip into the cord on the Morning of the 28th of October he was bought out of an Induced coma a cripple without nerve impulse with an eight month time on Vancomiasin and Morphine ahead of him with CDiff Strokes and another surgery on his heart while just trying to transfer from the bed to a wheel chair Late in 2010 I was asked to sign for my husband to come home for as a way to improve his mental outlook. His father begged me not to do it because it was too hard to deal with having a cripple for the dinner, we would do as we always had and bring him a few sandwiches. That went over like a lead balloon with the staff and doctors as well as my husband whose mother paid him for the meal, he did not get in his home and had paid for.
    She said we were both A***. My husband should have come home for the holiday since the rehab wheelchair van was free and someone had to be there with my husband while we partied and left him just watching the TV getting hot dogs and tater tots for his holiday meal and fruit loops for breakfast. His father was yelling at her what were we supposed to do molly coddle him and feel sorry he was there he needed to start walking and should have been in the parallel bars trying. Again, a holiday was being torn up for the family because he did not get the holiday.
    My husband died on June 3rd, 2019 but not before he hurt me and two others in 2013. I was hurt when I was getting ready to go to a community awards dinner, I had promised his father I would attend 6 months before he was bought home by his case manager two weeks before without being announced, Since the rehabs director considered his father and me people that had abused my husband for decades to advance our social standing. He was a priest who extensively talked to my husband about the 30 years before. He wasa phycologist since most in the rehab were either in hospice or drug users my husband was one of three dozen in physical rehab and isolation due to mrsa the first year. He started having regular meetings with my husband when he would no longer allow Morphine or Lor Tab even though my husband admitted he craved either every day, but the pain was preferable to being a drooling idiot. I finally got my husband’s laptop to him; from his room he wrote several blogs against conservative candidates which his father considered a form of treason My husband as always researched the people he was going to trash and always knew what they had problems with and were hypocritical. He did the same research on the liberals and found at least they told the truth about their lives for the most part. In many ways it was hateful to be married to a man that had been in army intelligence because he would add 1 plus 1 and come up with the answer of 3, it was almost like he read minds. He also was taken to a Microsoft testing center several times on the directors say. He certified in cisco. and Microsoft operations in networking using something called the OSI model all I know it has seven layers cableing that was called cat five E and the wireless I use now. if my husband had nerve impulse in his legs I was told with those certifications my husband should have had a 100000 a year job on top of the 3500 a month retirement His union rules made him go on disability so they could cut his retirement to 1400 pulse the 2600 in SSI and Medicare my husband just could not trace cabling under desks and server farms and repair them or the Sonet systems since he could not be on his feet or get on the floor.
    When he came home with his case manager on the 28th of January 2013, I was not notified he was coming home, and I was out with a old boyfriend until 930 the next Morning as a final good by since we felt it was getting close to his discharge in a wheelchair. His mother and sister kept his being able to walk with a cane he had carved a secret.

    I was sitting in the rental solstice in the drive thinking my brother-in-law had the HHR when we were sitting in the drive the HHR pulled across and out came my husband with that cane of his that was 4 feet 4 inches tall weighed in at 13 pounds and topped with a dragon’s head with sharpened titanium teeth made from broken drill bits It was carved out of red oak and polished in black Laguer and my husband was yelling get out of the car and face him or get the windows in our teeth. I talked him into stop making a scene on the street and take things inside. My affair partner decided he wanted to humiliate the Cripple that my husband was and after clearing the drive my husband followed us in, I found my luggage packed and the new guardianship was ready to assume by the other man. my husband hi lighted the line to sign absolving and thing to do with the marriage after the divorce when my husband was no longer responsible for my needs.
    My friend had a family on the east coast and saw me when he came to my Midwest city and wanted no revenge on him from my husband by notifying his wife. He swept my husband’s cane putting him on the floor. My husband kept a hold on it as the other man said how had I ever married that pathetic looser while laughing at him less than a second later the cane with the ice spike exposed whizzed past my face and the other man’s scull sounded like a branch breaking and dropped to the floor himself. I saw my husband using the furniture to drag himself the ten feet before he hit my affair partner i grabbed his arm crying hadn’t, he done enough damage. I would go to my mothers, and he could have everything but my Wedgewood and cloths. I knew he had not been treated as he should have been, but he did not have to kill someone over it, He turned and slapped me across the room and braced against the table and started picking the next bone to break as he screamed who’s the pathetic loser, I grabbed the phone and dialed 911 yelling a man was being murdered in my house they arrived fast enough to witness my husband strike one more time by then most of the bones above the waist were broken and my husband took several swats at the police wanting to stay and finish killing the other man in what was termed an intense rage After finding out the other man started the fight my husband was taken to the regional mental health after being pulled off the floor. He was given a wheelchair to use as a walker. His father and mother arrived, and his father yelled he was once again going against his betters. no matter what the other man did he should have just shut his mouth and let it happen and kept out of the damn way, now he was in a mental health and the other man in ICU. We were called into the mental health the next week, when was he simply going to learn there were those that were better than him.
    His mother left his father with a bloody nose and called her daughter to take her home and told his father to spend the night with those better friends. His father said still causing trouble over not getting what he wanted. and simply shutting up and doing as he was told. That director was talking to us and let us read part of the transcripts he dictated by my husband, and he asked was it true what he said happened the last 31 years. His father was screaming he had to understand that was the only way to gain any cooperation for the wel being of the social order. That doctor said there were laws broken and civil rights violations we were guilty of, his father said hes not black how was he due civil rights. The doctor said he was due human treatment and we had abused him for three decades and he was sending it to the DA to decide to seek Abuse of an adult charges. His father left that room and went straight to where he was with his mother and sister in the day room trying to get my heavy drugged husband to talk to them when his father arrived yelling boo hoo, you did not get stinking time off work, why did he think he needed it. He had lived all those years without anything but work, boo hoo he had not had sex with me in 31 years, so I sought and found better more important men why did he think he deserved better than his lot in life, then he took off running with the wheelchair three feet off the floor until it flattened his father going through a plate glass door shattering it My husband was tranced and put in a strait jacket then the cool off room. We took his bleeding father to the ER. With a request we needed family help in the worst way.
    A week later i had plans for the community awards dinner with my husband’s mother and father and a man my husband despised for longer than we were married, his father’s best friend, again without warning the mental health that time shoved him in an insurance paid taxi and sent him home the 20 miles, I was just finishing getting ready when I stepped out of my room to run square into my husband’s chest. I knew he would care less about the dinner or the promise I had made but I still tried to get just a little understanding. I had already started crying when he stated good I was ready, he had not even been to a movie in 31 years where were we going?
    I told him of my promise, and he got even more angry saying well it looked like they were going to have to get used to my promises being broken as he had the last three decades because I was keeping the hundreds broken to him from those three decades starting with our wedding first, that evening was his to decide. I told him his mother and sister and I had rented a hall that Saturday for a dinner with him to hopefully find a solution that everyone would find acceptable. in Allowing him to do as he pleased, I held out several hundred and told him i was no longer asking for decades, years, months, weeks, or even days just four hours until the dinner ended, and we would meet wherever he wanted to at least start a conversation that was decades overdue about rights, responsibility and manners in the community we lived in, nobody ever wanted things to be as they had become. We just wanted to find a solution without anyone ending up bleeding again. He told me at that point as of the second he was home he was the final and only judge and arbiter about what he was due in rights, we had nothing more to say because he was making the decision about that evening and by God since I was supposed to be his wife, I was going to act like it. I turned into someone terrified at that point and started begging as I cried things did not have to be that way, I was sorry about everything wasn’t there some way to work it out then I thought he was blocking the phone I could not get him back to the mental health or call 911. I decided I had better run next door to get help. Iwas in a floor length dress and heels when I took off and only made one step when my dress turned into shreds leaving me a one-foot square section trying to cover myself and he was tearing my garter belt underwear and bra off. as I screamed, please God no nothing had to be that way. Why did he have to have it his way that evening. he said he had paid my way for 31 years while being enslaved and never got a thing in return except told his betters had the right to keep him a slave. And the next time that was said to him someone would lose their head there was nobody better than him under his roof. he then took me on the floor screaming please no he was hurting me. I got off the floor crying and went and put a bath robe on as he handed me the cordless phone and told me the number is 911 lets all go to prison together, he had the proof I had extorted marital funds and had interfered with his civil rights in my journals. My and his father’s friends would also go as would his father because he was kept as a slave or involuntary indentured servant just sat on my bed as he went to answer the door to his fathers despised friend. I heard him goad the friend by telling him I was indisposed, take his butt and toder off and meet his parents at the awards dinner not that he deserved one being the old goat he was/
    I heard the friend infor my husband he was coming in and talking face t face with me or he was calling the police my husband said go ahead but he still was not coming in without a badge and warrant,His fatersfried thought he could use his postion in the mayors office to get in, He told my husband to clear the way he did not need awarrant or badge since he worked for the mayor ae tried shoviung past my husband who grabed him by his cumberbund and coolar ans over the deck rail he went at his arriving fathers windsheild If he had not stopped short he would have gone into his parents laps instead of face first into the drive, that evening just kept going more than wrong as most did when my husband decided he had enough. And if there was interference someone was going to hurt since there was never a negotiation That evening, he was willing that time to just break his father’s neck if he got on him. His father was crying why did he do that to his friend and my husband’s answer was he tried pushing past him to see me and that was not his to decide not even if the a** thought he was special and a snob friend of his fathers. A minute later I heard his mother ask if she was going to get the same as the friend did, she just wanted to see if I was alive. My husband said I might have cut my wrists but go ahead and look, tried for 21 years to Find a peace that did not involve the union contract and just have individual negotiation and Isand called me a wh(( he had paid 31 tears for and he was going to get his due, I lost totally and finally to find a different way by then. his mother left his father in the Midwest in 2014 going back to where she was from with us in Wyoming after discovering what my husband’s father did to him in the fall of 1972We had thought til that time that the scaring on his back had happened in the army while in training in Airborn in the spring of 1973. It actually was when my husband returned on his split enlistment to get his high school diploma, he had gone back to the football team after Army basic and was going back to the army in the spring He defied the four school board members with sons in their sophomore year by his and three seniors taking the starting positions over the wishes of his father’s school board friends the younger boys were chased off the team by the seniors led by my husband, His father and the school board members intercepted my husband getting home and knocked him out to teach him a lesson about his defiance when he woke up he was zip tied with his hand tied behind a tree and his father and four other men whipped him with lamp cord. His mother said after seeing the surgeons’ pictures of my husband’s cut to pieces back and wrists told his father that she would have taken the heads and hands of all five for what they had done if she knew. She left with us for the west where we had moved in NE Wyoming and stayed in the room my mother had until her and my sisters hom was done across the road until she died in 2017 my mother a year later and my husband in 2019 His father died in the Midwest in 2018I had a son 10 months after my husband took from me the right to say no

  • isis56

    February 7th, 2022 at 9:25 PM

    I should say for decades I offered sex and a homelife he could have with just a little agreement, understanding and attempt at trying things in a way that was acceptable to all in the community. I wanted children by my 22nd birthday since I married when i was nearly 20 But unknown to me for decades, I did not know his father sent a shore patrol senior chief after my husband at our wedding night hotel when he knew exactly where to find 4 of the other newly graduated nuclear weapons and guidance students in my husband’s class of nine. Five of them were at our wedding including my husband. They were being sent to boats in Kings Bay to replace five men busted for using pot in a urinalysis, in my husband’s rate that drew nearly an automatic BCD. My husband was on his first patrol the next morning with his qualification card, since he had to be on that boat the next 90 to 101 days. He became what was termed a hot runner, His only lookup when he was in his qualification board was where were the mermaids on the boat, he had seen one in the engine room and had not seen the other in the captains’ quarters, Before I met him in his strategic weapons school, he had served in the army from 1972 to 1976 In intelligence specifically terrain analysis and soviet equipment and capability’s, I knew of two problems at that time.
    One was when He came home to complete his last semester of high school in the fall of 1972. When him and three other seniors knew they had put the work in to get on the first string on the football team. The four sophomores that got the first string was because their fathers were on the school board, they missed over half the practices, when the walked past after the list was up, they said Well pedigree won over skill as it should be That defensive team is still called the junkyard dogs after my husband said well lets show these toy Poddles how junk yard dogs play, and they spent an hour in that practice flattening the sophomores a tear latter he was about to transfer to great Briton with his first fiancé’ after both served seven months at Fort Hood. Since the girl was not white. She was half Hawaiian and half oriental and when his father met her more fireworks happened, Over chasing the four younger boys off the team his father felt he needed a lesson in responsibility to those in positions of community work and their families. His father and the four school board members hit him with a golf driver, tied him to a tree and demanded he apologize for leading the seniors into just taking those positions. They used electric cord to whip him until he needed three hundred sutures and staples the Saturday after the game when he was airlifted from the guard center to a military hospital for what those five grown men did to him. The nonwhite girl was an unforgivable sin in his father’s eyes. He felt since his oldest son was living with her in a simple one room apartment off base. They had already made the arrangements to get married in England Until his father asked her why she was not turning tricks on Honolulu’s hotel street. She broke off the Engagement that night and put in a change of transfer to Korea that was always short of people, that freed up my husband to go to listening posts in the Mideast, two years later he was in the state guard and was working in a big three autio plant in the UAW then three years after that his CO gave him permission to join the navy out of the Guard because both saw what the coming oil embargoes were going to crash the economy, So my husband and I met whil he was just starting his A school We married the day after new year’s in 1981. That was when he was sent to his boat. and because of a near edict memory, he was always the cross deck as a emergency replacement and never home. He expected to find me in Charleston when he got out, but I had my first bout with bipolar. He was handed a key to a storage told I was at his parents in the Midwest, I was there since he refused the reenlistment the prior thanksgiving. He had an effective discharge date of June 1st and had been a second-class petty officer and was offered a bump to 1st class as part of the reenlistment and an offer of several instructor’s positions at any navy training facility he wanted from basic electronics to advance computer electronics and programming. I found out his father felt he was nothing but a community disruption because he was not going to obey the orders outside of his job, the contract in the UAW Said when he served in the guard he would not change his drill dates to suit the needs of society did take the summer drills and everyone had to work around him and other guard and reservists for summer vacation slots. his father said many of them had other things to do Then him and others put their military leave of absence in and left to avoid the hard times in the early 1980s.
    I met my husband in March 1980 after he went through Navy boot and submarine school, he was rearing through his A school we started dating and I saw him get his Crow as they called it, He was wearing the qualifications from the Army in Air born and Air assault, I am scared of heights and could neve4r understand a man that could jump out of aircraft, When seals put on a demonstration of rappelling out of helicopters he actually asked to do it with them. It impressed my sister and mother, just scared me to death. He was known to go to the gym daily and work out doing something called a kata with a group of martial artists even sparing with them.
    He was told he was transferring and serving in a school in Charleston Until our wedding night when he took me back to my mothers, Handed the keys to the K5 blazer he drove climbed into a waiting navy car that had his sea bag and something called a ditty bag and loaded on a Grey hound he was at sea the next morning, When he came home from the navy 3 and a half years later I really did not understand how a union contract worked. In the first three days of his return home him and his father had nearly been at blows including the second day home when he actually had his father trapped against the living room ceiling yelling at him before he did anything else I had better be in front of him or he was going to tear bulkheads out using his father as the wreaking bar. I just wanted his return home to be in peace and found myself in the middle of a forever war between my husband the society hierarchy and his father that came to a head in 2000 and people really started to get hurt, everything became an insult, or a fist upside heads or worse when all that was being asked of him was to show consideration towards other people and try other options for jobs, shifts and time off. When in 2009 his father and I plead guilty to acting as false agency when we cancelled his summer vacation of 3 months. Even though I told him that in January 2010 I had made plans for a vacation that would make up for the last 2 and a half decades of no time off When he was getting a very nice tropic vacation of five weeks then he could do as he wanted with the other seven weeks in 2010 from January the second to the beginning of April. He tried to kill his father and me over a 12-day Train ride, instead of just wait and just go on the January trip to St. Croix I had reserved. Then to add insult to injury he had his father and me jailed over acting as false agents, when we canceled another summer vacation without his permission.
    When we were let loose things on his job had become very toxic, He had changed the locks and gone into hiding. in a state forest.
    His union Chaplain was trying so hard to find a peaceful way to get him to stop hating everyone because his time off choices always ended up with him working in the hottest time of the year when he had not had a day off since 1981, had the highest seniority in his department and the plant, 1999 had been the last straw and in 2009 he was going to tear the county apart unless he had his way. Until the 24th of October I tried to get more than two words with him since Labor Da his mother and father had had repeated fights over my husband’s refusal to understand the needs of the society and his coworkers.
    We were called by his foreman That he had gone to the floor on his job with a high fever, screamed in pain every time he was moved. After his backbone was moved off the spinal cord and sheathed and spine fused, His father was angry he missed a tailgate and football game. The corporation paid his three months plus a 70000-dollar retirement bonus and a letter of apology. My husband would not talk to us except to tell us we had stolen his life; His mother and father had a bad argument latter when his father said just sour grapes because he was so inflexible that he would just never accept he was at the bottom of the social ladder and was expected to do for others first before himself and just have what was left if anything. She just slapped him until he went to a motel for the next week crying was everyone becoming a communist in the family. Not willing to see to the needs of those higher on the social rung of society, To keep peace at home over the holidays in 2010 I would not sign to bring him home in a wheelchair for Christmas Just to keep peace with his father and other friends.
    I tried to explain on the phone on Christmas about being a little forgiving about a need for peace over the holidays. then when we went to visit hi on the fourth, he had the nurse bring in his Christmas and new year’s dinners which he pelted us with We handed the nurse the four sandwiches I had made from the holiday meats and frozen and she said I was a louse for not bringing him home.
    His mother the Christmas of 2011 tried to go over my head and sign the papers herself and his father tore them up yelling he was going to stay in the rehab and walk, when he did, we could consider letting him home for the holidays if he was not working.
    I again took the sandwiches, and they were thrown at his father and me along with a stainless-steel bedpan that knocked him out and i got a full bottle of urine thrown at me as he yelled he was sick of living in a dictatorship. I was not allowed to return and nor was his father. in that next year, Things had been so tense since 1999 that even on the vacations to Europe I returned exhausted, and many times hurt because my husband who had wanted to go was always stopped, and I was always saying just wait for the next time, just please stop hurting me because of what I felt was needed to keep the peace. One time he told me touch his new passport again he would see me dead then he would kill his father next. then he would go leaving our bodies buried and not return, that was before we stopped him on the orient express. and his depression about not getting his way killed his immune system allowing the MRSA. It had turned into nothing we could offer was good enough if it was not his choice, and after he beat the daylights out of my affair partner in 2013. The regional mental health determined we were abusive in trying to get him to pay attention to the needs of other people, when he would not consider even what he needed by just taking the suggested things in time off, shifts, and jobs that would have made it easy, his father could have said to his friends see we finally got him under our thumb. Go ahead and do what you want to do, he will just take what was left and if that was nothing just be happy, he had a bed, warmth and something to eat.
    Then things in 2001 became violent, after a tumor was removed in 2001 leaving him on a 90-day paid sick leave right in the middle of the most wanted vacation times. Six days after the surgery, I was slapped to the floor, his father and three other men entered his room two walked out both left in the room had to be taken out in gurneys one had a heavy book case droped on his legs breaking both above the knees, The other needed months of facial reconstructive surgery when na old vic 20 keyboard was stuck between his upper and lower teeth, His father was screaming just stop hitting them he was going to work weather or not he wanted to his father and the last man came out bleeding and bruised, But the surgery sapped my husband’s strength, the plug in his skull had slipped the stich’s were broken. He had to have the stiches redone at the start of the shift. His supervisor put a chair beside his work and did not write him up when he fell asleep thinking, she had averted a wildcat strike, It caused a 150000 dollar fine to be levied against the corporation, the national union was at the next union meeting yelling at the leadership and more than one other employee about what would happen to them, if a group tried to invade another man’s house to force him into work off a sick leave it meant automatic termination. The three men that had to have the time off in their eyes, took eight years to get back on. his supervisor was demoted and transferred, the regional director came and talked to my husband in a private meeting, saying for 20 years there had been nothing but trouble from military returnees like him especially after the gulf war, when so many went active from the guard and reserves. He asked my husband what it would take to bring peace. My husband’s first answer was learn to read, stop kissing the rears of the social order outside the plant for every hour worked after he was forced until the end of August, he was paid a bonus of 10 per hour. when he tried to take a weekend off the person that was supposed to work usually ended up in bad trouble and loosing pay because they refused to work and it always was my husband with a shotgun at his back being forced to work the holidays and after I was the one begging my husband to take other options knowing he was going to hurt someone over having his rights,
    In the other 2001 incident it was over a new department and job in a brand-new plant. I was pleading if he took that position, and shift, He knew it was going to be trouble, His father had bought the father of one of the men over to plead his case. It was the county commissioner’s son who wanted the midnight shift my husband was taking on a clean job, issuing tools and parts as well as receiving them.
    I had begged for the whole time before he was to be at work on the fifth of November 2001 to just wait two weeks and choose another shift and job on the next bid list. Just do that, take a nice vacation in January, He could take the holidays off if he wanted, I ha his fathers and other communities’ word they would not interfere. Just please keep the peace and do what they wanted and not care they had less than a decade’s seniority to his going on 28 years, I was crying they were just not raised to be as tough as he was made in two services just let things go and take a different position for our sake and everything, he had wanted was his without any interference from then on. He had my word He said and as we both knew that word was useless, I hadn’t kept it since our wedding. He had come home from the navy and the last 18 years and every time I had given my word, I broke it and even had other men instead while he was made to put a roof over my head. Paid for my trips to Europe, Nice clothes on my back, My Wedgewood, Silverware, and food to put on them when most the time he uses a tray in the cafeteria and ate at home with only food he fixed, and we consider a couple of sandwiches adequate for his holidays. As for my thought of a tropic vacation he had not seen the sun in 22 years. How bad did I think he would blister on some beach in the sun, So, he was going to change jobs and shifts with his friends to the new plant and my snob friends could drop dead for all he cared and if I wanted a proper escort to hell, I could join them. He turns and yells since he knew we were recorded that his father could also go, He was not going to try and impress the society for him. His father listened to what he said, and his mother said, Well he had his answer! He was not backing off his decision. So just leave it alone and they do not cause trouble trying to get him to back down. The next morning, she was in the hospital with his father and me, my leg was broken, and his father treated for concussion and four other families were there waiting to hear if their sons and husbands were going to live, They had jumped my husband on the front porch and he went into combat mode except for one man I had slept with new Year’s morning the year before who had his ribs driven through his lungs into the area around his heart. My husband did not let me lock him out of the house with the slide bolts, did not just go back and remove his bid, as those young men wanted. I was them jump him and the man that I had a one-night stand with charge him with an old wrought Iron fence post. What i had hoped would never happen did four young men badly hurt the front door came in on top of me with the frame and I heard my own leg snap. His father arrived demanding was it worth a lousy job to cause that to happen to four men, I heard my husband’s answer it was to them because we felt he was beneath us in life, His father slapped him, and my husband’s fist came around and laid him out too.
    Two years later the state department said they were sorry, but they could not get him a instant passport to replace the one we put in his father’s safe deposit that he would just have to reschedule a vacation to Ireland in 12 to 14 weeks. Leaving for Ireland i left a note telling him to arrange a vacation in January but we were not letting him take a summer vacation someone else needed. We did not expect a thank you for taking his passport but did want a more reasonable return than the 2000 trip over the millennials. A hope we could talk reasonably about a winter vacation for him, instead of the hate of the last 18 years about having what he was going to do dictated to him.
    I was crying two hours after we landed his father had huge lump on his head and his cloths ripped to shreds by his son dragging him from the parking lot into the bank demanding the return of his passport, I was sent sprawling across the floor grabbing him as i screamed it was just time off. Just take a different time. nobody had to be hurt because he did not have what he chose. The police came and told the bank manager to open the safe-deposit and handed my husband his passport saying he had reported we had stolen it they hoped its return would suffice but we would get a fine, that one was 500.
    He dumped us and our luggage in the parking lot the new incoming foreman refused a vacation saying wait till June 2004 then he would decide who got the time off. Over Christmas my husband with 28 years seniority turned the canvas down and applied for the week before the holidays off he watched as the rest of the department except the deacon and my husband were allowed the time off many had already exhausted all they had coming, Tha new foreman was outsourced from another company and feltt he owed more to friendships and our church than giving my husband the two weeks off, He let the far younger deacon who was supposed to work those two weeks off and a substitute committeeman denied to override that foreman, I avoided even going near my husband on the 23 and 24th, I went down and told him to just have as pleasant a Christmas as he could and we would meet him at his work gate at 730 that evening with his sandwiches on our way to the club and I would put a couple of plates back for him when he was off, just try and find some way to get along with people about the 22nd Christmas he had to work since our wedding and we could find a way around his new outsourced foreman’s decision, My husband pointed out a slave had no rights but to work his sunup’s to sundown’s did he and the mistress of the house did not owe him an explanation even though he was feeding me until 2009 I tried everything to stop the delivery of pain over denied rights and Rebelion once he approached his father two months after he retired kicked him from the front yard of his house to his front door and left him crying for help as he said you should have murdered me when you had the chance. He was tired of him interfering in his life and if he wanted a longer life, he would stop being the boss. his mother opened the door and said his father deserved it and shut the door; a neighbor called for an ambulance; A police officer said this time it had to be working over the fourth didn’t it. I was crying what would it take to get my husband to try the options we asked him to try. The police chief said stop dictating what he would do closed his notes and left. When we just wanted him to wait till January 2010 for his first vacation and use the three months, he had coming off. as his holidays instead of be hateful about the time he was due, as he wanted, I was crying please don’t get angry over simple time he was supposed to get off when his trainee had just married a 4-month pregnant girlfriend, didn’t he think they should have a better start to their marriage than we had since 1987 he had made it pure hell in his fight with the community over lousy right to have his own choices, I said in January we could go someplace that I had planned and somehow repair the damage done by his refusal to try anything else it would give us a chance to start the next 20 years in peace. love and understanding. He said whose peace, whose love and whose understanding because the last 28 years we had none for him except the next day he was to work he was still nothing but a piggy bank, I was pleading we had not done what was right by him, but we had tried anything else to find a way he was not going to consider He was not going on the express his trainee was We could not undo it and I would give him his refund of 6354 on Christmas day at his work gate along with an itinerary of where we were spending five weeks the next January into February, I had the cashier’s check in my shoulder bag. II was crying again hurt after flying across that conference room, everyone was in a panic pleading please stop your father is turning blue. He had his father’s throat in his hands strangling him screaming you had no right, His father was yelling before he was put on the floor it’s done, just be a man about it and take what he was told why a man should his age have any time off especially when there were other people that had more need. It took seven people to stop that potential murder.
    When he had to go work for the younger man the union had its travel agent that we ad cancel my husband’s arrangement. She was sent crying to assembly fired by union action from the travel agent’s job. The newly wed was called to the plant managers office and in front of the steward and Committeeman was asked if my husband agreed to the time swap H did not so the 24-year-old was fired from his 32,45 an hour position with his daughter coming in 4 and a half months. we arrived at his father’s house hoping he would hear us out about the vacation I had planned to go to a vacation rental in ST Croix as the exchange for the Orient Express and the summer off. since He had to go back in for his trainee the rest of the summer was carved up between the rest of the lesser seniority.
    We knew the union was going to try and get him the time of due that year before the next June and I thought having somethings already arranged would make the case, we were expecting more than yelling and screaming at us on our return. What we got was a nine hour wait for the airport shuttle a drop off at his father’s house then hand cuffs read charges of acting as false agents when we canceled my husband for his trainee. My husband stood at his fathers and my sentencing and asked for the max sentence of 7 years in the state penitentiary, and to have us tried in federal court for civil rights violations.
    She gave us a year in county and started taking away from there with nearly 13000 returned to my husband in punitive and refund we went into orange and white strips and served actually 3 months behind bars By Labor Day we were hearing about the hell his friends were causing over seniority rights in the community In August several in the community decided they were taking the approved vacation of another man and showed at his door telling him to forget he had a vacation or die with pistols drawn one man died and two others were badly hurt when 3 BAR rounds went through the door from the inside. the fourth was found crying on his knees asking what it would have taken to stop the local rebellion against society’s upper echelon, His father felt my husband started it, His sister said it was like the book the outsiders. Which pitted one side of the tracks against the other and after nearly a quarter century of stubbornness my husbands and others were hurting the upper crust over just simple rights that I felt could have been negotiated without the blood that ended up shed.
    My husband while I was in jail developed a bacterial infection when he bruised his back called MRSA Metha Staphle staph Aurilus a staph infection Resistant to antibiotics like penicillin. It developed near his spine at up the disks and bone allowing the spine to slip into his spinal cord and partially severed as well as crushed it, after a nearly 28-hour surgery that fused his spine and stopped his heart 3 times when they pulled the bone off the cord, put a sheath on what was left of the cord then fused across it.
    He was in the hospital a week in isolation getting on the morphine, vancomiasin, Benadryl, a port in his chest put in his back looked like a zipper with all the staples, We were talking to his surgeon while he was coming out of the three-day induced coma, . His father was demanding when he was going back to work, to many were missing important things like the world series High school football, basketball was starting and gymnastics. Just too much was going on for him to be laying in a hospital bed, so he had to be back the next day, or his friends would start crying, that doctor was about floored! asked his father did he understand what he was told, My husbands spinal cord was badly damaged it was probably the fact he was not going to be near any one unless they were in isolation gowns the next 7 months at the least Then he had probably years in a rehab learning how to get from point A to B, he was not going back to work but was disabled and he would need a lot of family support to get well. I just did not know what to do when the next Christmas in 2010 came around, The rehab told me that they would like him home over Christmas, His father said NO The nurse said vit was me that had to sign the paperwork, his father begged please leave him there and he could work on walking in the parallel bars just please don’ bring him home over Christmas, we did not need the embarrassment of a man of 56 in a wheel chair his mother slapped him and told him she was not going to be at my house for a dinner unless the man that supplied it was there. She stayed home and my sister in law and her husband went there with a dinner The next year the day after New years we took him a set of sandwiches again in hopes his saved meal he had of hot dogs and tater tots he got for Christmas was not flung at us again after over a week in the fridge those things are hard as rocks, In 2012 I just wanted to talk about a way that he would consider as a solution to the societal problems he was causing. His father stood there and demanded he just keep his mouth shut and do as he was told, and he would be able to stay at home as long as he was quiet and out of sight otherwise it was a motel room, and he could wait to have his dinner, that time it was not tatter tots it was stainless steel bedpan slammed off his father’s face, I had run for the floor nurse who grabbed a hypo and took off for his room She actually kicked his unconscious father and when I entered a stainless steel Urine bottle was flung at me. I went home in borrowed scrubs because I was covered in his urine. the next week the Catholic priest called and said don’t return, we were a detriment to his recovery.
    The next year his mother, brother and sister took the dinner to the rehab cafeteria for a half dozen people there. She said see how if feels to be excluded again I was crying because I made a wrong choice in my marriage when it came to dealing with my husband and society, I was seeing an old boyfriend when he was in town by then. I was telling him the night of the 28th that from then on, I would have to help care for my husband and I could no longer see him I did not know his case manager bought him home after i Left and he had a hide a key to let himself in, He was using a cane that weighed 13 pounds carved out of red oak had a dragons head with titanium fangs made out of drill bits it was 4’4″ tall and I had the HHR pulled in behind us that Dragons head was tapping on my window at 9 30 am. I begged to take what was coming off the street found my luggage packed and the guardianship assigned my husband on me ready for the other man to assume highlighted. He was not going to because he was married, when my husband came in, he was leaning heavy on his cane The man that I had been with overnight wanted to humiliate the Cripple and swept his cane The police arrived to find me bleeding and crying by the phone, the man I had been with was on the floor bleeding out his ears and nose and besides a fractured skull from my husband’s thrown cane they later determined my husband had broken nearly every bone above my friends hips, They checked my husband into the regional mental health and put him in the cool off room. Things could not have been worse his father was yelling at house mother saying again he was going against his social superiors, and she came around with my marble rolling pin flattening him yelling he was not my husband’s social superior because he was in a suit, and she was sick of his lousy mentality they left, and we waited to hear what was going to happen. We were called into the mental health and told to read some of the transcripts of what my husband told them about his treatment the last 28 years not including the three years before he was discharged which he had the navys discharge evaluation he was sick from all the isolated duty he had served and being kept awake 106 hours his last refit We knew he was tired pas exhaustion then and yet we felt he was still to give up his life and wants to supply me with a life I wanted And make his father look good He told us when we were getting up to leave, his father saying we had the right and my husband did not have those rights because he had not earned them in the eyes of the community. The director said he would have kicked our tails tp the sun but as it was we had abused and taken my husband’s civil rights through fraud and intimidation and had extorted funds he had made for my own purposes, and that was what he was sending to the DA, His father said he was not black what civil rights was he supposed to have. The doctor asked where he was educated Because it was apparent, he had no upbringing in the USA, and we left going straight to where his mother was trying to talk to my husband, His father started yelling BOO HOO you did not get time off, why did you ever think you deserved any Boo Hoo your wife held out for something besides a low life bully for sex because that was all he was; was a seniority bully, Why didn’t he learn to be a man for once and accept his place, He was allowed to use a wheel chair as a walker and he shot up as his father ran for the door He got through it and turned just as the chair went through the plate glass flattening him and cutting him, they tranced my husband and got him in a strait jacket and shoved him in the cool off room, I went to a Kohles and purchases a dress for a function I had agreed to attend, It was a community awards dinner with his father, mother and his father’s best friend, that was all that I had plans for then the next weekend we knew he was coming home by then we had a dinner arranged for my husband the next Saturday.
    The evening of the dinner I stepped out of my room right into my very unreasonable husband’s chest about doing anything I had promised anyone else that evening, in fact his exact words were that I had broken every promise made to him, did i even begin to think that he cared what I had promised his father. I was going to keep every promise since our wedding, and nobody came before him from then on. I was crying begging couldn’t he just pick someplace to meet in four hours I would return his wallet and give him over 100 to get something wherever he chose and meet him there, hadn’t there already been enough pain over his rights was there a solution we could find that would work for everyone, I took off knowing the answer and not having access to the phone stand I was hoping to get him returned to the mental health to find a way to a solution without someone stomped into the pavement or I could arrange a flight to my mother’s before he came back home. I just wanted the trouble over rights to stop and someone get out of his way, Me but i was standing there trying to offer anything else. I told him my nurse friend had just lost her husband to throat cancer a year before and she was always angry at the way my husband was treated when I returned from the Trip to Athens in 1990, My husband had not had a day off since 1981 He was constantly angry after the year before the judge that kept him under a judicial order to come to the court and the court would decide all seniority matters and not the UAW contract, I had been sent home to my mother’s on June 21st 1987, because I broke my word, To get him to give up his trip that was given as a corporate gift, to Rome for ten years seniority to a woman with 9 years less seniority than he had , so she and her fiancé could get married and have a honey moon I signed a promise that he would get nearly 5000, That upon my return I would go any place, at any time, and any conveyance, on the vacation he would like since he was giving up that slot to that female. We landed and I had hoped that he would listen to reason and just take his six weeks he had coming by talking to his foreman and getting his time off when everyone else did not want it in January and take any six weeks from January to the mid-March time, I still think I could have found something interesting and made that slot permanent to keep his father and others happy, When I found on the return from Rome that he was going to use his seniority right to set the lower seniority back by six weeks. even though he had not had a leave or day off since 1981. I as made to feel so bad by his father about letting his oldest son cause vacations to be changed from the summer to the winter times, I just could not let my husband do as he wanted and keep the promise, I had made then 13 years later due to his father and his friend on the bench kept him from going on holidays. In 1998 he decided he was no longer going to respect any decision the court made in his life and on Christmas day he walked off the job dumping the shift manager that tried to stop him into a chip hopper and walked in the house just as I was with his mother sister and aunt were putting up the leftovers and fixed the sandwich’s we took him at his work gate as we went to the club for after dinner drinks, The first I knew he was home was a scuffle with his father and his guest the judge that had his wife and daughter yelling. My husband was heard as he tossed both as they tried to shove him back out his own front door, He used a judo move sending both flying into the front yard into the snow and mud on their rears yelling at them they were not welcome in his home. Then he entered the dining room and told us to stop putting the dinner away he was going to sit and eat something besides a sandwich for his dinner. I was pleading if that was what he wanted i would put a couple of plates together for him and leave them in the fridge for a warmup in the microwave when he got off at 1230 AM, we were just getting ready to go to the club, He said that was not all he wanted he wanted his rights returned, when his father and the judge tried to come back in he threatened both then indicated to the judge there was some more coming out because the judge was taking bribes to not jail drug pimps as he called pushers, Four boys mouthy and high went through four closed windows for using pot and their stash went down the toilet, Nobody could do a thing about it knowing he would hang them in another court when he grabbed his 35mm and photographed it all and put the film in his pocket leaving.
    He also got buckets out and said if he got one whiff of the pot he would start with my rear and go down the line, we were still cleaning when he got home, That Christmas to me was the worst because he would just not try other options, the union leadership ws called in to try and hold off any more social devastation, When he got home the next morning we sat down and asked why was he always so angry and stubborn about trying something else, we were just trying to find some way to accommodate everyone and him and his ex-military and reservist friends were tougher than most, we could find them other times to have what they wanted. My husband warned us then that he was taking the county to court to eliminate the local courts tyranny on them. He went into public court records and using his Army intelligence training he found the patterns he looked for, and when the good old boys in the county had him jailed without charges and forced to work, he made as much trouble and pain as he could in the county His sister told me at my husband’s funeral that most the county was badly hurt in his campaign to get his contract rights in the UAW Many of her friends in high school were left wondering whose head was going to go next if they were leaders in the county’s political and religious system, She asked me why her brother just could not let things happen instead of started tearing lives apart to get the same rights, When she asked that we were on the orient express and did not know that four months later he would be crippled not expected to live through the next two months.
    He developed other problems after that surgery and hated us for the 28 years from 1985, Then because I felt leaving him for three years in that rehab Instead of trying to let me keep peace in the home and community. When in 2012 he started throwing things at us when we were trying to get him to understand that we did not mean for things to happen as they did, but he had been kept out of society’s way for 30 plus years, For whatever reasons he had to despise the way things were he was still going to be excluded, That it was only one person’s fault things did happen as they did when we offered so many ways out of the situation which he would just never try, We did not want him to lose his freedom and work nearly 30 years without a day off, But he had not worked the last two years. He had been in bed a large part of those two years, He got angry and yelled 4 AM blood draws, Did we think that trying to stand up and walk 25 feet even with a walker was fun for him without nerve impulse In his legs them the scare on his chest from the heart surgery. Did we even think he was in a rest and fun home those two years His arms hurt from the IVs until they put the port in and then every month or so hehurt even worse from the port and arterial cleanout and we thought we were being fair leaving him there 24/7, And we called it a fair exchange when I spent his money, thought to impress the society we still needed a slave. Someone we could use as an entertainment, like pulling the wings off a fly and watch it scurry while we laughed He swore at us when he came home before he did anything we wanted we would have to kill him, we had lost any right to say a thing about how he would live his life.
    After my husband nearly killed my affair partner 13 months later, he was put in the regional mental health the first night in the cool off room and tranquilizers Followed just a week later when he threw a wheelchair through plate glass doors flattening his father over his going into the day room saying Boo Hoo you did not deserve time of the job, Boo Hoo why should your wife have anything to do with you when he was not man enough to accept his place in society, they were letting him use a wheel chair as a walker and it went flying after his father a foot off the floor.
    I was not expecting him home till the next Friday and his mother, sister and I set up a dinner with all the people we knew so we could negotiate the holidays, vacations and other ground rules with him. They sent him home by insurance paid voucher. It was a Tuesday that I had other plans to go to a community awards dinner. With his father, mother and his father’s best friend, When I stepped out of my room to find, my husband was not going to allow me to do anything that evening that did not include him. I plead with him that I had promised his father I would go six months before. My husband countered, how many promises in 31 years had been kept to him. I had broken hundreds if not thousands and never stood by the man that paid my way through the last 31 years. I was standing there offering the money and his wallet that i had in my purse pleading just choose a place to meet us in 4 hours to start to try and find a solution he said there was only one solution to the problem I get out in what I had on which by then was nothing because he tore up what I was wearing when I tried to run or I was going to be the wife I should have been when he came home from the Navy, He wouldn’t accept any promise from me until I kept the thousands I had broken since our wedding. I was crying what else I could have done to keep the peace in the community, He said I should have stopped looking at it as his responsibility, He was not supposed to please the community and me as well as his louse of a father and never pleased himself, I was holding what was left of the dress I was going to wear that evening to me and cried just let me get something else on and explain that he was home and I had to spend the time with him, I was hoping to let his father, mother, and the best friend get there then run for the hills with them until we could find a way to get him back in the mental health.
    I did not get one step towards a locking door, He just shoved me to the floor with me crying things did not have to be that way. I threatened to have him jailed if he continued to force me into sex, He just said go ahead but remember I would not collect his retirement or social security, When I took him to court he would present my own journals scanned to disk, let’s all go to prison together. He then told me what he was prepared to do in I had him charged with sexual misconduct. I got off the floor after he was done, I knew we had mistreated and used him, but I did not want sex under those conditions, I wanted the ideals I was raised with. Peace, love, and understanding But since he came home from the navy it had been that saying about submarine sailors. Iron men in steel ships, My husband had turned into the epitome of an iron man except he worked with steel in temps sometimes approaching 135 degrees covered in steel chips, coolant and oil for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week 365 days a year on the holidays he worked 16 hours a day, but I could never find a way to get him to try the time between January 1st and May the 1st off instead of the summer months or the holidays that other people needed off, For religion, family, or just because they did not have the endurance my husband developed under water for the first 3 and a half years we were married, and I could just never find a way around his iron demeanor and get him to at least try the suggested alternatives, II had wanted our married life to start far earlier but he felt it was a ransom in exchange for any futire freedom or choice.
    I just wanted a way everyone could get along and my husband’s hardnosed hate of giving an inch got in the way I was finally pregnant at 48 years old and went to a advanced age clinic on the east coast after moving west where his father had very little say.

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