Why Do Women in Committed Relationships Lose Sexual Desire?

How often do you want sex? And is that enough? Not wanting enough sex is the big problem for most women who consult me as a clinical sexologist. And most sex therapists will agree that having a low level of sexual desire is a problem.  But the majority of these women are heterosexual with male partners who are – you guessed it – complaining. Lesbian couples don’t usually present with similar problems. So I guess I should say “relatively low levels of sexual desire!”

Over and over again I’ve found that moving in together does create a drop in the frequency of sexual activity for all couples regardless of gender. Long distance romance remains exciting because it provides space and distance interspersed with sexy weekend liaisons. But which is “normal” – the level of desire we experience early in a relationship or what unfolds later on?

Women’s desire levels are generally lower to start with. And we don’t need decades of research to know that men usually think more about sex, fantasize more about it, work harder to get it, place more importance on it, initiate it more often, and masturbate more. What seems to ignite desire for women is the excitement and novelty of a budding new romance.

This is why couples therapist Esther Perel points out that “good intimacy doesn’t always guarantee good sex.” Her book Mating in Domesticity is a classic that I recommend to couples struggling with these issues. In it she points out that “the very elements that nurture love – reciprocity, mutuality, protection, closeness, emotional security, predictability – are sometimes the very things that stifle desire.”

Because we tend to be caregivers, women take care of our menfolk in committed relationships, much as we take care of children and pets. So these guys start to feel like a brother or worse yet a child, and sex with family members is a definite no-no in our culture. Children and pets need caregiving, which we provide as an act of love. Sexual desire requires that our lover does not need us.

Researcher Marta Meana’s recent study documents a severe decline in sexual desire among 19 married women. For some, formalizing their relationship as marriage made sex so available and so sanctioned that it lost the forbidden and erotic quality that had formerly ignited passion. For other women, overfamiliarity with their husband led to a decline in romance and in sexual experimentation, as well as a loss of  motivation to care for their appearance now that they had “hooked their man.”

A third group of women reported that holding down a job, being mom, and being a wife was overwhelming and “highly desexualizing,” making it extremely difficult to shift into romantic mode after changing diapers and fulfilling their professional roles. Many of the participants in all three groups specifically noted that while they were committed to their marriage, they thought desire would return if someone new came along who desired them.

As Meara puts it, “Women want a commitment because it signals they are uniquely desired. But once a commitment has been made, your guy is stuck and the meaning of commitment changes. In women, desire may be driven to the same extent as it is in men by novelty and excitement and a stranger thinking they are hot.”

Over and above anyone else, we are our own point of reference for how sexy we are. Feeling good about ourselves emotionally and physically appears to be a bigger mediator of female desire than men’s. This certainly bears out in my conversations with female clients.

Recently, for example, a woman told me that she no longer wanted to have sex “on top” of or astride her mate, “because my stomach sticks out and it would look terrible to him from that angle!”  He shook his head, “Honey, I probably don’t even have my eyes open … that used to be your favorite position because it felt best to you … what else could possibly matter?”

What do the rest of you think about all this?

Reach out to one of our qualified therapists.

© Copyright 2011 by Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CCS. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • Lynne Silva-Breen, LMFT

    May 15th, 2012 at 6:13 PM

    Great article, Jill. Was just talking about this very same issue with a couple today!

  • Pat

    November 9th, 2017 at 2:52 PM

    Would help if I was gone more often? After 22 years of marriage I find her as desirable as I’d did when we were 20. And I tell her constantly. But it never helps

  • Aussie dad

    April 4th, 2019 at 6:31 AM

    I know how you feel. I’ve only been married for 10 years but still desire her as if we were newly weds but for her sex is just a chore and another thing to get done if I get erect from seeing her naked or whatever there is no longer sex or oral its just she will use her hand but even when I say no I’m fine I can take care of this she refuses and wont stop without me physically getting up and dressed which leads to a fight or if she does it without me doing all that it causes a fight because apparently I must not find her attractive anymore and I end up in the dog house for a month or so. Now I just live there and do what I want and say once the kids are grown get a divorce and just use brothels they are cheaper

  • Anne

    March 10th, 2013 at 8:27 AM

    Great article – makes sense to me. I will definitely share this with couples I work with.

  • FreeThinker13

    March 11th, 2013 at 5:52 PM

    I COMPLETELY agree with your article! You bring up so many great points! The following statement you made was spot on.

    “Women want a commitment because it signals they are uniquely desired. But once a commitment has been made, your guy is stuck and the meaning of commitment changes. In women, desire may be driven to the same extent as it is in men by novelty and excitement and a stranger thinking they are hot.”

    I am totally experiencing this myself at the moment and reading articles relating to this, aside from therapy, have been very therapeutic. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a certain issue… Only in my case, I’ve lost desire not because I wanted to, but because he lost the desire first. Now it’s more exciting to me when I know another man desires me because at home I feel like I am completely undesirable.

    It’s hurtful to be rejected so many times and the only times he wants you, you have to say “no” because you are just too disconnected. Everything else is “the same” through… Very routine… And I think this is the main problem. I would however like to see more articles relating to men losing their desire as this does not only happen to women, but men as well.

  • James Finley, Phd--retired psychologist

    March 16th, 2013 at 5:59 PM

    Let’s consider another physical feel-good activity-a back rub. Receiving a rub once or twice a week would probably continue to feel good and be desired indefinitely. Giving this might get boring and tedious if it’s not reciprocal. And even if reciprocity is in place questions arise:
    Why am I not getting as good a rug as I’m giving?
    Can I tell her I don’t feel like getting/receiving a rub today?
    Wonder why he didn’t say he enjoyed it last night?
    Is she bored with me and would rather be rubbing somebody else’s back?

    Good parallel?


  • Gary

    August 22nd, 2015 at 3:39 AM

    I think that the issue here is that women are conditioned either by society or by biology to be sexually turned off by their committed partner. As u say when they have hooked their man, what that means is once the pursuit has gone. However according to Michelle Langely women in fact cease having sexual desire with their partner because after a while the honeymoon phase ends and the feelings go. So they then view sex as a chore. Women are in fact less not more able to commit to Long term relationships sexually because once the chemical excitement ends they simply say I don’t love or fancy him any longer. Women also think that they are naturally monogamous when they are no more so than men so when the feelings go and they then fancy another man they chase the nonsense of ‘the one’ propagated by messages intrinsic in or example ‘chick flicks’. Monogamy is a challenge for both sexes but the evidence suggests that’s its women and not men who struggle more.

  • Miss ME

    March 1st, 2016 at 1:21 PM

    Gary, I think you are totally right. You got into most of woman’s heads so deep, you deserve some congrats.We complain about man beeing too sexually active, but they are comminted somehow, they still desire their woman most of the time.
    But for woman once she starts to think she is married and everything is going to take place in the same bed, it’s crazy boring . Same touches, same things, when physical passion dissapears,can get dangerous because you see cristal clear that he is fantasizing about porn screaming and you are about a new romance. He is probably wondering why you dont act like that and you why he isnt as exciting as your fantasies. A friend told me once she was fatesizing about another good looking man even if he doesnt exist, never stoping, but beeing in an almost ended relationship. It’s this hope that never dies, that’s what made me think inside we might be more alike than we want to accept. We might understand that we got ourselves in a big whol, but at least we can dream, read romances etc :) and they can hear everytime we are not home.
    I’m gonna reconsider the never get late thought :))
    Miss ME

  • Steve J

    November 3rd, 2016 at 7:06 AM

    From a man’s perspective this is quite difficult to swallow. I’ve read lots on this subject walking ‘eyes wide open’ into such a relationship leaving me with a strong need to understand. I’m 50 years old now and my partner 53, when we met two years ago my partner said that intimacy and physical contact was all important and the reason she’d ended her previous relationship was that this didn’t exist. So as the article and comments suggest while our liaisons where at weekends everything was great and I often thought I’d not be able to keep up ‘my end of the deal’ if we lived together it was so hot and exciting. After about a year I moved in and suddenly mid-week contact ended, we have no children and our jobs are not stressful we’re in a good position, both fit and healthy. The only thing I should add is my partner has now gone through the menopause, so perhaps adjustments need to be made for this.
    We’ve had discussions about this and all I’m told is that I’m loved very much and everything is fine, it’s not for me, I feel dejected and to an extent cheated. I try to be everything a man should be, kind, considerate, supportive, romantic etc. my partner seems to think giving herself to me at the weekend is the answer but unless we are away from home rarely takes part.
    I’ve thought of looking for what I’m missing outside our relationship but that’s not the answer because it’s not purely about sex, it’s about making love to the woman you love and feeling that closeness.
    So as a man are we to just accept that in the beginning we’ll have a fabulous relationship but then after ‘the honeymoon period’ accept our special lady will be longing the excitement of another man. Perhaps we are closer to our distant Bonobo monkey cousins than most of us know and would benefit from looking how there society interacts rather than living a false existence in a society created by individuals with selfish motives.
    The only thing in my opinion that separates us from our distant cousins is jealousy.
    I’d love to hear suggestions or rather a coping strategy.

  • To Stevie

    September 30th, 2017 at 10:20 PM

    I’m sorry you’re in such a predicament. You’re both committed to the relationship, but the relationship means something different to each of you. In most cases, I don’t think that can be helped, but I hope you find someone who can give you advice.

  • Mike

    December 4th, 2017 at 3:34 PM

    I have the same exact situation Mr, Steve. Unfortunatly for me, i am 28 years old, and my wife is 29. We’ve been together for 3 years, living together for 1 year now, and since we moved in our sex life decreased in 90% or more. I have searched every single study, spent hours reading and so far I’ve got to no conclusion what so ever. As you said, I try to be kind, respectful, and give everything she needs, but despite that, we may have sex once a month, and that’s if I am lucky enough for her to say something like ” hey, lets ****, we have to”. It hurts me inside ALOT but, as a man and a human being, my sexual needs are so high, that I manage to get myself in the mood and make the best out of the situation…..i have no clue whatsoever what to do with my life. I love her, but i cannot live a life without sex. This past year has got me climbing walls, and the stress that this whole situation creates is awfull, and makes alot of problems in the work, in the relationship, and in my social life. Please, someone, give me some advice…

  • Steve J

    December 7th, 2017 at 2:46 AM

    Mike, I’m so sorry to hear things are not so great for you, I understand completely. You are far too young to be feeling this way. From my experience you have a few options, the first would be to talk about the situation calmly, my situation has improved slightly partly due to my attitude change towards my relationship, I began to quite literally not give **** about it one way or another, my partner picked up on this and this lead to us sitting down and talking fully about it. I think before this discussion my partner thought I was just pestering her for sex but when I reminded her about how we were in the beginning and how important it was for me to have this connection she had a much deeper understanding, I think she began to realise if she didn’t change then our relationship wouldn’t survive, and at the end of the day it’s a natural act that should be pleasurable, it’s not like stacking wood or putting the garbage out!! The next option would be to just cool right off for a few weeks and see if that ‘physical space’ you give her helps. The next option would be for her to visit a doctor to make sure everything is ok hormonally, that said if she’s fine with the situation then that’s a big ask. The final option sadly is to call it a day and leave. But what you need to remember is that men and women are very different and throughout periods of their lives there hormonal balance changes, it flows and ebbs like the oceans. It is very difficult if the rest of your relationship is good, and also if it was sexual in the beginning, also every man and woman has a different physical relationship with each different partner, perhaps ask her about her past, can be tricky as our male ego doesn’t always like what we hear. Good luck with whatever route you take.

  • AngelOfDeath

    November 1st, 2019 at 6:27 AM

    LOL. She lied to you .The real reason her previous relationship ended was she was frigid and she realized she’d have to pretend to be interested in sex to get that COMMITMENT and MONEY that she really wanted. Men are starting to understand that women lie about liking sex because “buy me things and pay my expenses and get nothing in return” doesn’t work. Hence the MGTOW movement.

  • lucy l

    April 13th, 2017 at 7:44 AM

    what if the turn off is how he want be arouse ,only for him the sex act is all about him. I feel cheap and then don’t want to be touch any ,what you think about this I m post menopausal I could take it or leave i tried telling him and doesn’t hear me,How can fix that been together 31 year

  • Steve J

    April 18th, 2017 at 1:33 AM

    I’m so sorry to hear that, 31 years is such a long time, has it always been the same? The only answer is to talk, but people are not always honest about how they truly feel and don’t communicate well. We are tied between our human physical needs and our emotions, men and women are so often opposites. Not all men are the same. Your reply has made me consider how I approach my partner. I think my case is different I believe and hope the main reason for my partners lack of interest and low libido is the menopause, I hope her interest returns as her body settles and adjusts but who knows, what to do if it doesn’t I don’t really know as I miss the intimacy we had at the start of our relationship, perhaps women also need variety more than we think to maintain interest. What do you think?

  • Dan

    July 19th, 2017 at 10:45 PM

    I have been married for many years ,to the same woman and It was great before marriage and it’s had been getting less and less until we rarely have it any more , and she just ignores ever talking about it or going to counciling, Lately the bitching has gotten so bad that me and my 17 year old daughter rarely talk to her . For some many years now ,it’s like please be around and keep me company, but don’t touch me . And if you do something I don’t like you going to hear about it right now . Which seems like she complains about everything. I’m not perfect or my daughter but we both have been verbally abused so bad that we just can’t take it any more . My daughter w
    Has one more year of school and we are both out of here. We are both in counciling and that helps a lot dealing with it.

  • AngelOfDeath

    November 1st, 2019 at 6:31 AM

    “Please be around, please keep me company, please go out, work, make lots of money, pay my expenses and buy me things, but when it comes to your needs, I’m sorry – I just can’t bring myself to lie anymore. Sex disgusts me, like it does all women”. That’s why we need to further broadcast that this happens in relationships – as soon as women get money and commitment and kids and the legal right to take half your stuff and your salary if you leave her, she shows her TRUE COLORS.

  • LP

    January 11th, 2020 at 8:28 PM

    Why are you assuming these men pay for their wives’ expenses? Who hurt you? Lol

  • Mike

    December 8th, 2017 at 11:55 AM

    Dear Steve, thank you for your advice’s and for having time to wright back to me
    I find logic in your words, and I’ve tried to talk to her about this, usually it works for a week or two, then we go back to the same situation. So far, in the one year we’ve been living together, I’ve already talked to her 3 times about this, and how it makes me feel, and yesterday would’ve been the 4th, but I started thinking to myself “why bother, it won’t change anything” so I ended up sleeping in the couch, because I find it hard to be around her at this time. Don’t get me wrong, I do love this girl. I can’t say i’m the ladies man, but I had a couple of relationships and I do know my feelings are true, sadly I cannot pretend everything is ok. I tried not giving a f*** about it, but, as I do that, I start to feel disconnected from her, and I start to look at her like a sister, or a stranger. Why sister or stranger, and not a friend you ask ? Because when I try to forget about the sexual part of the relationship and carry on like it’s nothing, on the other fields we keep doing really good BUT as I start to feel disconnected, I start to see her as a sister, someone I care and love, but I can’t have physical interactions with, and then I can’t even look at her undressing, or in the shower.
    Sure, I could call it, but I really love her. Yes, love is not everything, but I feel like she loves me too. Starting to question it as time goes by, but I still believe that she’s with me for love. I am deeply afraid of giving that full “physical space” and drift us apart in a way nothing can bring it back.

    Having heard of this, what’s your opinion ?

    Thanks a lot Steve,
    best regards

  • Steve J

    December 13th, 2017 at 12:23 AM

    Hello Mike, I really feel for you and the situation you have found yourself in. Obviously I don’t know how you approach this situation with your partner but I think what’s happening when you can’t stand to look at her in the shower etc. is actually resentment. I actually think your situation is not uncommon it’s more how you perceive it and are able to deal with it, it may be you have unfulfilled needs from the past, I know in my search for answers this has come to the fore. The long and short of it is that it’s really about how you can deal with it, by the way you explain the situation sadly I can’t see it improving anytime soon, my situation is similar, so in a way I’m trying to advise you the best way I can without having all the answers, I think I’m just slightly “further down the road” with this. Some people would say go have an affair, or pay for sex but I know that isn’t the answer for you as it’s the whole connection you crave. I think you really have to be honest with yourself here and either work on yourself to find what you need within or set yourself a time frame and if there is no improvement make a tough decision, you’re too young to feel this way. You say you have spoken with your partner, how does she see your advances for intimacy? Does she feel pressurised? Or does she say she understands and will try harder? I can remember certain relationships I’ve had were my sexual drive wasn’t so high and others were it’s gone through the roof. In all honesty the latter have been too intense to bare. Our mind plays tricks on us, we begin to think that our partners are just not interested in us and that if someone new came into their lives their interest in the physical would be much greater, to an extent this can be true. I asked my partner would this be the case. Her answered was “yes probably”. This hurt me, but then she said, “but it would only last a short time then calm down”, pretty much like my relationship and yours is now. Again rather than dragging yourself through all this you need to ask yourself what is it you really need? Are these needs realistic? What can you do to change the situation? And is this relationship right for you? All the time remembering that women’s needs are very different to men’s, but there is a limit to how far you have to go. I hope this helps but feel it’ll only give you some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

  • Mike

    December 15th, 2017 at 4:06 AM

    Hello again, Steve
    Again, your words bring me confort and a litle enlightment in my “head”, but I am really gettind physical and mentally exausted. Yes, she always says she understands and says she is sorry. She looks afected by how I feel, and says she will try harder. But life is a thing, we work with diferent schedules, and when it’s time to go to bed, all we can think of is sleep.
    Our mind is a tricky place, and I am doing my best to try and see everything as clear as it is, that’s why I found this blog and typing my “feelings” and reading them out loud actually helps me in understanding more and more this situation. I can honestly say you’ve been extremelly helpfull, at least I am not in the “tilt” zone anymore despite the fact we hadn’t had sex in more than 2 months now, despite being trough our 3 year aniversary, several good oportunites to do it and today is my bloody birthday aswell. Anywho. I can get sex, paid or not, but that is not what we’re talking about here. I want sex with HER. To feel the connection with my PARTNER. An affair is never the answer, despite how badly your situation is. Sadly, as time goes by, those thoughts go trough my mind, I am made of flesh and bones after all, but I do not want to do it because I cherish her so much. Yes, I know, we need more than love to make a relationship work, but every time I manage to get so fustrated / get the courage to talk to her about this, I feel so bad inside. I feel like I am a dad, complaining about how is son is a failure in life. We’ve talked twice since my last post, and I try to beas gentle as I can, and as clear as I can. I love you, I love being with you, and I love every moment we spend together and all those litle things we have BUT I need some intimacy. The “routine” kiss in the morning, or when we get back home, is NOT even by a small chance enough or even close to some intimacy.

    My only problem with all of this is, I am a young guy and I would not like to see myself in 10 years, regreting all of I’ve been trough, and all of the time I’ve wasted, when I could’ve just moved on today. Either we do this for real, or we don’t do it at all.

    Yet again, Mr. Steve, thank you, from the bottom of my heart
    Best regards,

  • Steve J

    December 20th, 2017 at 12:34 AM

    Hello Mike, firstly happy belated birthday. I’ve read your posts and replies several times and I feel your pain, I understand. As you say there is lots of information on the web about this and you certainly aren’t alone. Some guys seem to have the perfect relationship, lots of intimacy and closeness. I often wonder what they do differently. In an attempt to understand I’ve read lots of articles and listened to lots of stuff on youtube and some women just don’t have a high sex drive, but that doesn’t answer why they have in the beginning of the relationship. Some articles state that when women enter long term relationships they subconsciously begin the roll of ‘caretaker’ of their man and subconsciously move to a more ‘mothering’ role so then a sexual relationship feels incestual. The top and bottom of all of this is that as you say you are too young to be feeling this way and why should you have to adapt your needs. Only you can decide your next move. I used to believe in soul mates but I think people come in and out of our lives for many reasons. I’m not greatly religious but perhaps you could ask a greater power, whatever form that may take for you to help you find a way. Regards Steve.

  • Mike

    October 7th, 2019 at 8:21 AM

    Hello Mr. Steve,
    Here we are, almoust 2 years later, and everything changed ! Unfortunatelly, it’s even worse than before. Somehow I still manage to keep my spirit up, but it is extremely dificult to do so, when your house is on fire. We’ve had sex once this year, and it was extremely awkward. She complained about everything I did and tried, despite being an extremely normal intercouse ( nothing weird ). Since then, we barely talk, when we do we tend to argue, which I avoid because there is no point in having a discussion about whos fault it is that it’s rainning or w/e. Literally have no clue what to do, I’ve used all my tricks, prayed to all of the Gods, and I’ve reached 30 years old, I want a family and a life, and I don’t see myself with her doing that ( at least to have kids you need to have sex, or so I’ve been told ), but I don’t want to be the guy that breaks up with a girl just because they don’t have sex. That idea sounds so “douche” because I do still believe there is love in this relationship, but the fustration of the lack of sex ruins every single aspect of the rest of the relationship. We had a huge conversation. like we usually do after 4-5 months of not having sex and I reach my breaking point, and I told her everything I felt, and asked her how she felt and if she wanted to keep going or not. She said yes and that she would make an effort, but somehow deep inside I don’t know if we’ve reache the point of no return. We can’t go from 80 to 8 and back to 80 again. She talks about kids, buying a home, then “refuses” to behave like a couple when it comes to sex and it has only been 5 years, I won’t make it trought a life time of a no sex policy. How do we know enough is enough ? I am not trying to find reasons to break uo, neither I’m looking for a way that won’t make me feel bad about breaking up with her just because of the sex ( or the lack of it ) but at this point, I’ve tried it all, nothing worked, and we can’t keep wasting our precious time in this Earth constantly feeling depressed and neglected. May I ask for your opinion please ?

  • Mike

    December 16th, 2017 at 11:57 PM

    I’ve been married twice. It seems that before marriage you are regarded as Superman, but the moment the ring is on her finger it seems to act like Kryptonite. The best advice I can offer any man is “Don’t get married” , and if you are so foolish, make sure you spend money on a watertight prenup.-

  • Greg

    January 22nd, 2019 at 4:49 PM

    Mike you’re right. In the end, the advice of older men that we ALL ignored “don’t get married” is still the best advice. Love women, but don’t lock yourself into a marriage. Both you (and in a way, your wife) will both end up disappointed. I used to think this is “sad”. I don’t know. Happy, sexually fulfilled men are much more capable of giving joy and compassion to the people around them than a man who is stuck in a sex-deprived marriage. If you’re single, don’t get married. If you’re married, well then it gets complicated doesn’t it.

  • Asad

    December 25th, 2017 at 5:08 PM

    Another laughably wrong article with false and highly outdated information. Feminism is insecurity. So sad.

  • Steve J

    December 28th, 2017 at 12:13 PM

    Asad, what’s your views on this subject?

  • Milena

    March 22nd, 2018 at 2:56 AM

    I don’t know, I feel like there is more to the story. Personally, I feel like my marriage did bring me the security that I didn’t know I wanted, but with it came some unexpected “benefits”. I started exercising an agency over my body that I didn’t feel I had before. I can blame my parents or my culture, I don’t know where the deeper problem lies, but as a younger person, I did not “own” my body. We dated and made out, and I was entirely not ready to explore and be explored like we did as teenagers, but I went along with it because it was “what you did”. On top of it I had this competing-with-men thing going on where I felt like I wanted to prove that I could do everything the same, or better, than any guy. So I got into fishing, playing with knives, and keeping a little black book. None of this was done because it made me truly happy. Again, I do not know exactly where all of this feeling that I had to be that way came from. The point is, I did a lot of things because that’s how they were done, and not because my heart desired them. I didn’t find true sexual desire and pleasure for many years after I had become sexually active. I didn’t feel forced to do things per se, I was sure I wanted to do them at the time, but looking back at my experiences with some honesty, I can see how my mind forced my body to perform. So fast forward many years, I get married, we do commitment, kids, financial problems, adjustment issues, etc. etc., and among all the exhaustion, the fighting, the effort to make it work, I start feeling the need to relax, to do what “I” want, and not what I feel is expected from me as a woman. And I hit a brick wall. My mind starts refusing to want my husband in that way. I start realizing quite consciously that I want to do what my heart desires and not force myself to be someone I’m not anymore. I feel like for women who felt like they did not have agency over their bodies to whatever extent, for whatever reason, this is a necessary stage in their marriage. I may be over-generalizing based on my experience, I don’t know. But I feel like we all get “stuck” at this stage, with our husband complaining more and more and the gap growing bigger and bigger, instead of working on it as a couple. Now in my case, I have not talked about this with my husband. I am too afraid of being judged and disappointing him. It is not an unfounded fear, he is quite judgmental and lacks empathy when it comes to these issues. There are too many things of my past that he “doesn’t want to know” and feels that people shouldn’t talk about if they feel they’ve made “mistakes”. In my few attempts to even approach the subject of choice and agency, he just says “I just don’t get it how people can be like that” and that closes that bottle. Ssssooooo… Here we are. He is unhappy and over joking about it anymore, I don’t feel like it’s my “fault”, but I know it’s not his either. I feel like therapy could do us some good, but he doesn’t believe in that either, plus we can’t afford it. So the only thing left is for me to hit him with the truth (or what I feel is the truth) and wait and see if it destroys our marriage. Will I do that? When? I’m not sure. Will it work? It’s sure to change things between us and I can’t be sure which way things will go. I know I’m tired of being blamed for the situation when I don’t feel blame is what we need to be placing here. Eh…

  • Mike

    October 7th, 2019 at 8:29 AM

    Hello Milena,
    Funny enough, reading your comment sure sounds like I’m your husband! I am in the same exact situation and I have no clue what to do. Despite my tendency to joke arround and to actually say “I dont understand how people can be like that” I truly am interested in earing what my wife as to say, but the conversation stops there. Tried several times to initate a conversation and show actual interest in what she said but she ended up either crying and saying “i dont know” or it would be a one-sided conversation with her simply saying “yes” to every question I came up to. How did things go for you ?

  • Phil

    August 2nd, 2018 at 1:24 AM

    It will always depend to each couple on how they will help each other on their relationship. The couple will never achieve the sexual drive to increase. Thank you for sharing to this helpful insight about low sexual desire.

  • Jane

    January 12th, 2019 at 5:22 PM

    Here is a truth that everyone just needs to accept:
    As a rule, women tolerate sex for relationship, men tolerate relationship for sex.
    Women have always been made to feel like there’s something “wrong” with them when the sexual excitement of a new relationship wears off, even though they still love their husbands the same. They are “frigid.” They must not love their husband anymore. They need to see a counselor, or a doctor, or find an aphrodisiac, or try a new position, or buy a new negligee. Granted, some women do this to men for not being romantic enough, or whatever. But it seems to be the other way around far more often. There’s always the emotional blackmail that goes unsaid (or said): “If you don’t learn to be as physically horny as your man, he has the right to dump you for someone else.”
    I told my husband from the beginning I would never say no to sex. I would never deny him. But that wasn’t good enough. Then it was, “You never INITIATE sex. You must not love me. You should feel guilty, because the male ego and his penis are ALWAYS the poor victim.
    The fact is, men project their sexual appetites and fantasies onto women, then shame them for not being what they demand. It has always been this way.
    Imagine your wife just LOVES to shop. She shops 3 times a week. You don’t like shopping, but you were happy to go with her when you were dating. You get married and she expects you to keep going shopping with her 3 times a week, and like it! If you don’t, there’s something WRONG with you. And if you REALLY loved her, you would not only go shopping with her 3 times a week, you would initiate it now and then, too. If you don’t, you need counseling. You need to see a doctor. You need to try a new store. You need to take a pill that makes you want to shop more. If you make excuses for not going, you are frigid and heartless and useless and she has a right to find another man who likes to shop.
    This pressure on women causes them to just lock up completely. They make excuses like a headache, because to admit they simply aren’t as horny as their husband activates the “cheat card” for the husband. The shopping wife doesn’t get a cheat card if she has a husband who doesn’t fulfill her need to shop, though..
    If men weren’t so selfish, clueless, and ego-maniacal about this, they would tell their wives they understand she probably doesn’t have the sex drive as him, and that’s okay, but he needs the relief, and could they work something out? Set a schedule, maybe? Yeah, that makes it sound kind of mechanical, like the old days of “wifely duty” instead of your porn fantasy. But so what? You get what you need, she doesn’t have to feel the pressure and shame. And maybe that would allow her to loosen up a little and have some of the passion come back.
    Get over yourselves and realize that your wife can still love you, care for you, feel affection for you, without NEEDING your penis in her vagina. Stop projecting your sexual appetite and onto women, then heaping guilt, shame, or the threat of dumping them for someone else because your ego can’t handle her not being like you in every way.

  • Mike

    January 23rd, 2019 at 9:30 AM

    Hi Jane.
    First of all let me say I came here for some help and support on December 2017. Since that I’ve learned alot and alot have changed and what you say may be true, but let me tell you something about my point of view. There is a diference of sexual apetite between men and women. Usually men want it more, true. There are some cases that it’s the other way arround though, but lets not talk about that. First of all, let us talk about the “sex denial”. The thing is, you may say you never say no to sex, but if you “deny” it with some sort of excuse, or if you just lay down and say something like ” ok, get it over with” you are denying sex, and that s*** makes us feel like CRAP. Imagine making the best meal you ever made, you gave your heart and soul for it, and someone you love has a bite and goes “meh”. It’s not good, it’s weird, no one gets real pleasure and the relationship gets f***ed. Sure, your sexual drive is lower than ours, WE GET IT, dont get mistaken BUT it is not just about plain old sex. You mention to try and get a schedule, something more “mechanic”, but I do belive I said it in my first comments, I rather not have sex at all, than to have “forced” sex. When in a couple situation, sex is suposed to be something good for both participants. If I would just want to have some sort of sexual relief, anyone or anything would do. But I don’t. I want to “make love”. Yeah, it can be rough, fast or slow, whatever grinds your gears, but it has a mutual conection in it. That’s the love. Sex is something fun that you do for yourself, with who you want when you want it. It’s selfish, but good, obviusly. When in a relationship, I don’t want to be selfish. In fact, I feel bad being selfish. As I said, I’d rather have no sex, than to have it just because I WANT too. So, no. I don’t consider selfish, or “ego-maniac” about this subject AT ALL. I want to have something special with my partner. And yes, that can be achieved by sharing a meal, watching movie, or anything for that matter. But we’re here to talk about the sex. And when our partner doesn’t want to have sex, it hurts us. I could talk hours and hours about this, and would love every minute, but let me end this “pharagraph” with a phrase you said and quote “As a rule, women tolerate sex for relationship, men tolerate relationship for sex.” SO, by that order, if I’m not having sex, why do I tolerate this relationship at all, hmm ?

  • Jim

    January 16th, 2020 at 1:59 AM

    Comparing sex with someone you care about to shopping says a lot. It shows it was never something you wanted with him in the first place. In the modern age, however, we men have witnessed that most women do experience plenty of sexual attraction and arousal, but usually only for the top 10% of men with status and plenty of muscle. Women claim often to have a low libido, when what they really mean is that their partner simply isn’t sexy or new enough for them.

    Unlike other commenters here, I believe that all men should absolutely get a prenup and be ready to leave when their wife gets bored of them. People are ready to show so much love and support to women when it comes to every little issue these days while the needs of men are ridiculed. If any woman starts to see her man’s healthy desire for sex with her as something akin to a dog humping her leg: she’s lost all attraction and respect for him. She does not, in fact, love him anymore and should end it for both their sakes. She was most likely never attracted to him or his body in the first place anyway.

  • Matt

    July 8th, 2019 at 8:23 AM

    Jane, I think a lot, if not all, of what you said is spot on. I think the bitterness comes out fully in your comments. I think what might be getting missed, is guys don’t realize the sexual fun and excitement is supposed to be short lived. We think this is who we are marrying. We think we are marrying a woman that is on the same page as we are sexually. Then after marriage that rug gets pulled out from under us and we are in a relationship with someone other than who we thought we married. I’d say we basically feel “tricked”. Your shopping analogy doesn’t work either. I enjoyed running everywhere with my wife and still did after we were married. It wasn’t until she changed the relationship that I didn’t want to do those things anymore. Apparently, “relationships change” is an adequate answer when it’s regarding areas SHE has changed in (less sexual) but doesn’t accept that as an answer to why I no longer want to do certain things. I even explained, “you can’t change our relationship and not expect it to change me as well”. For the several years prior to our marriage and early on in our marriage, she was highly sexual and I couldn’t be around her enough. I loved going shopping with her. I loved watching her try on clothes. She always kept my attention because of the “spark” between us. Now that it’s not a spark, and more like a “comfy blanket” stage for her, I’m much less interested in doing those things. It’s not enjoyable any longer. Not because I’ve changed, but because she’s changed.

  • Kimberly

    July 10th, 2019 at 12:45 PM

    Someone give this man a star! I am a female, married to another female, who just was informed by my wife she feels being sexual with me is more of a chore because she no longer holds a sex drive… She states “It’s nothing you did, my body is just tired.” She states once she can figure out the balance between work and marriage “hopefully that changes.” Okay but what about all those moments when I wasn’t in the mood because I just pulled 5 straight 12s and literally can’t figure out how to hold my head up let alone be sexual, but then I was informed I was no longer making us a priority?

  • Robert

    September 13th, 2019 at 11:30 PM

    I just happened across this site and have been reading the comments. I swear it sounds like I’m listening to myself. Every comment depicting a woman with a changed and negative attitude towards sex is my wife. Sadly, I’m pretty sure she took this desire to be desirable by other men (as addressed in the to the extreme and had an ongoing or multiple affairs. I have decided for the sake of my children to wait until they’re all out of the house to confront her. Did I catch her in the act? No, but a husband knows. Besides the betrayal, what has gotten under my skin is her thinking she has gotten away with something. Sadly, she will probably spend the second half of her life alone.

  • Glenn

    August 25th, 2019 at 8:43 AM

    Kjell So very sad for you that your own personal experience is so unpleasant. Most men here have said nothing about having an affair or running off with someone else. Most appear concerned and understanding, they would simply prefer to share sexual intimacy with the one they love. I accept it must be difficult to feel sex is expected. In most cases here that couldn’t be further from the truth. Men that love and adore their wives/partners do not want to make them unhappy, feel guilty or shutdown. They simply don’t understand why a relationship can go from sexually intimate to non sexual. Women aren’t the only one made to feel guilty for their emotions or feelings, xpressions of frustration, confusion. They are looking for answers bcause it matters and in most cases here because the partner has shut them out. They are willing and most likely never stopped the shopping or anything else. It’s not only women who get tired because of work, family commitments, body changes. Yes there are differences with male and female but why use low libido as an excuse to shut your partner out. “I love you l just don’t want you to be interested in me sexually anymore.” I am sorry that’s absurd. I have worked high pressure jobs, long hours, always taking time to be with the children, suggesting partner take some time to herself, happy to cook, leave special messages, arrange pleasant outings for her with friends while l look after the kids. Never forget an anniversary, birthday, write regularly, do house work, special moments etc etc, none being about sex it’s about being in love. I was a home Dad from boy 5 girl 2 till they left home. I worked, cooked, housework, cared for my parents till they both died, lost a brother, got cancer, major surgery, cared for my wife while she went through cancer, never mentioning sex for 2 years. I never turned away from my wife, got assistance from Drs Councellors etc. l am concerned about her. When it comes to talking to try and sort something out as you sarcastically put it. Nothing. Silence. Even the Councellor decided the women’s side was more important. In 2 years, 1 apt on my own, 1 apt together next 18 months l am left in the dark. At the end of it even after asking to come in and be involved ton der stand what’s gong on, nothing. “Get used to it, Your old enough and big enough, accept it” No discussion, it’s just all about the woman. Fair enough, you can’t force someone to have sex, and you shouldn’t expect it, then all is being asked is to remember there are 2 people in the relationship, 2 not just the male and not just the female, so why does she get her way and the male has to sit back and put up with “l love you, l want you to do everything, be everything, still desire me, shower me with love and affection BUT don’t touch me and don’t talk about sex or our relationship could be at risk. I think that is unreasonable. I know all negative things that happen to me impact on my partner, just as it does on me and vice versa. When someone is searching for happiness, fun, love, friendship and they find it, have it why is unreasonable to desire physical contact, sex, love with the one the only one you desire, the only one you want to share life with? Enough is enough. Once again l do empathise with you none the less your aggression would be mirroring exactly what you are complaining of. Not all men are unreasonable, they are generally caring, thoughtful and want to enjoy and share that enjoyment, they want to see their partners happy and feeling respected, strong and willing to share that partnership. Please take care. Regards Glenn.

  • Glenn

    August 25th, 2019 at 8:51 AM

    Jane. From Glenn. My apologies this reply from Glenn is to Jane not Kjell. So very sorry Kjell.

  • Robert

    September 13th, 2019 at 11:50 PM

    Totally relate. I think there is a cultural shift as men are continuously portrayed as weak and stupid with some chick kicking his ass. And how about this movement by feminists that men aren’t needed to have a family.
    BTW, just to counter that point, I just heard a psychologist speaking about the last mass shooting in Texas. He said, after studying all mass murderers since the late 1960s that all were young men with one exception. And that the only thing that they had in common was not having a father involved in their life.

  • Robert

    September 14th, 2019 at 12:05 AM

    What you and other woman don’t understand is that men want to be desired also. Most men I know would give their all to make their wives happy. That their wives are the most important aspect of their life. Why is it so hard for you to initiate sex if you know it would make your husband feel good about himself and your relationship? As a woman, I’m sure you know the effect that flirting and complementing a man has on him. And take that as a warning, if you don’t change your attitude about making your husband feel good about himself; if you value your man and all he does to show his devotion to you and provide and protect the family, you better start showing him before another woman does – either single, divorced or a young woman who finds older men distinguished and attractive. I don’t understand why woman take their husbands for granted.

  • AngelOfDeath

    November 1st, 2019 at 6:33 AM

    Women lie to get what they want. And society happily supports them in this regard.

  • Wael

    March 10th, 2019 at 5:34 PM

    I know I would sound weird to you, but give me enough space to support the writer with an entirely different perspective. What if the man sees his woman little often …..say one time every four day? They would miss each other for sure. More, what if he spends few hours with her on the day he is sharing with her? Distance makes desires. To keep your woman excited, you need to miss her. I am a husband to three women and know that you refuse my action of having more than one wife. The reality shows that a woman feels bored and at the same time arrogant if her husband is available all the time. I am Muslim and understand why we can have more than one wife. The thing is that if one of these wives does not find her sexual desire with this husband, she can leave him. What a heavy responsibility for those who wish to have more than one wife.

  • kjell

    July 19th, 2019 at 12:10 AM

    for me, having two kids together now it`s understandable that the sex would slumber, but it`s not all about sex, in fact sex is a very small part of the issue. It`s the feeling of never being wanted or desired in any way, that she never takes the initiative to cuddle up or touch. she is very mutch into recieving intimacy both oral and physically, but never gives anything back, and I find it disrepectfull to be honest. And maybe I should be more of a man and suck it up and just realize taht this is how the chemistry Works for most couples, but I can`t find the Logic in it. I tend to the children just as mutch, I do the chours at home just as mutch, so why not sacrifice at least 10 mins a week just to let me know that she cares. trying to talk about it in a calm matter never helps, and it ends up with me being grumpy and let down, andher being grumpy about everything else

  • Ralph

    October 3rd, 2019 at 2:50 PM

    So many of these stories seem like a repetition of my own with different timelines. Ten years together, two kids, no sex in four years. She was always giving excuses about being tired, it’s too late, too early, headache, kids will wake up, the neighbors will hear, just not connecting, etc, etc. I always accepted her excuses because I was in love and wanted to understand her. Last year she made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want to have sex with me anymore and if I was looking for it, it was just not going to happen. I tried for a year to rebuild our relationship. We had all professional resources available to us. All along she was very clear she just didn’t want to or had the intention of getting back on the relationship. We’re in the middle of separation this year. It took a year for me to accept that the person I thought I married was just not real. In her eyes, I’m just a mistake she doesn’t want to repeat. So, I’m giving her what she wants. Alimony doesn’t last forever, and children grow up. I married to have a life partner who also wants to be happy with me and has her s*%t together. There is no excuse to stay in a relationship if you’re not happy anymore. It’s not my job to make her happy if she can’t find her own internal joy for life. I didn’t want to measure my marriage by how much sex we had but, the old timers are right, and it’s confirmed by modern psychology, if you’re not having sex, there is something wrong with your relationship. I was too blind and stupid to see it because I was in love. My grandparents stayed together for over seventy years. My grandmother told me how difficult it was for a period of time but, they both had full intentions to fix and make amendments to what was wrong. The rough part was talking about it but they both knew the value of each other. These are people who were born in the 1920s! In the end, perhaps I was expecting too much from my ex. She just didn’t fit the caliber of people who raised me. Maybe I don’t fit it either. So yes, people might lose their sexual desire for each other over time but, if you don’t care about the relationship, you will find any excuse available to abandon it. If you don’t want to be honest with your partner, at least be honest with yourself from the very start. If you want a life partner, don’t expect fairy tale stories and BS decorations around sex. Sex is a beautiful thing that doesn’t require fluff, candles, mystery or fantasies around it. This is all a product of your mind. The moment you put decorations on it, you start hiding what it really is. You’re heading straight to ‘disillusion’ as it will never stop being just that. An illusion you’re creating in your head. It’s enough to look at your partner in the eye and enjoy the beauty of intimacy without mind and thoughts between your body and who you really are. Just remember how it was in the beginning. Were you thinking all the BS you think now? Finally, do your children a favor and don’t put in their heads stupid romantic idealistic thoughts of relationships being a constant bliss… it’s not and it takes a lot effort to make it work for both people. If you’re not ready to do the work, just don’t get married. No relationship works on autopilot and none can read your mind.

  • AngelOfDeath

    November 1st, 2019 at 6:34 AM

    I wonder what would happen if you said “sure, so long as I can sleep with other people.”

  • Gary

    January 18th, 2020 at 8:47 AM

    The sad thing for men is that, if you are reading this article and these comments, you are almost certainly married, and sexually dissatisfied.
    Why? Well if you are middle aged, single, in good shape with a good job, you are NOT experiencing any type of sex-shortage whatsoever. I am speaking from experience and will not bore you with the details, except to say that it was NOT necessary to wine and dine in order to get them to come over to the apartment for wild sex. Astonishing, and if I did tell you the stories, I doubt you’d believe me. The problem is that we really do assume that it will continue into marriage, and it simply doesn’t. No single woman on a date with me would have ever made excuses not to have sex. They realize if they pull that nonsense too often, they’ll quickly get replaced by a whole pack of much more willing women. However once a woman has your legal commitment of marriage, they realize you’re stuck and can’t do anything about it. If you go elsewhere then? Now you are the absolute scum of the earth and will receive condemnation from all sides. So you don’t stray. You take it. Eventually the puzzlement turns to frustration and bitterness. You begin to wonder why you didn’t see this coming? Why didn’t you just stay single and enjoy the sexual energy of the single and divorced women who are out there in droves? You begin to realize that being single conferred a great deal of respect on you from women. And that marriage doesn’t. This isn’t what women “say”, but their actions reveal the truth. Trust actions, not words.
    But its too late now. You’re already IN the marriage. Her parents love you, as do her friends, kids and coworkers. These are all good things, but are they worth losing frequent sex for? Probably not. It’s galling to be tricked like this with no recourse.
    All we can do is try to educate other men who are single not to repeat our mistakes. The only problem is they aren’t reading this article.

  • Nathan

    February 10th, 2020 at 3:44 PM

    Don’t get married. Its the only advice old men can give young men but they will never listen like we never listened.
    When we entered relationship it was based on certain facts that existed. Relationships are a bargain between 2 people based an assumptions about the other based on facts that exist when entering the relationship . Some key facts were having sex and existence of affection.
    So she went off sex, for complex reasons. But in the end it boils down to she broke the bargain but still expects me to give my side of the bargain, affection and commitment. So I don’t get my part of deal because honeymoon period is over, but Im expected to accept and not go get it elsewhere. So I nearly do this, and the response? Im told its called furious coupling, sex is thrown at me to keep me. Threat averted and you can guess the rest.
    So finally I have reciprocated and as bargain is broken neither of us is performing, all affection removed. I give total commitment, but no affection. And guess how that makes her feel? She spent more than I earned.
    She got a job because she said didn’t feel valued and staying home is so hard – didn’t need to as I earned a lot. Now she moans about how hard her job is, and spends even more than we earn.
    I am a cold uncaring selfish emotional cripple apparently, but she is a normal loving wife. This self validation comes from her own peer group and endless wingey sudo empowerment books.
    Men are expected to woo a woman. Women flaunt themselves in highly revealing clothes and heavily painted to look like something underneath they are not. Meetoo my arse, there is only 1 reason you show half your t**s and a**e in thongs and bikinis so barely there you have to wax and super figure hugging dresses. You sexualise yourselves, not gor you girlfriends but to be attractive to men to feel desired. You look for love but your behaviour is that of looking for for sex.
    Then you get your man, he did the work and chased you, you got busy, now heres the real life deal YOU have to keep attracting him, its your turn to work, for ever. Stop bothering, as you do and wtf do you expect to happen. You still get all the love and he should be grateful for whatever you can be bothered to give?
    Women forget, men don’t change like you do.
    Why is it supposed to be acceptable to break your bargain ? Its not. Smart guys don’t marry, so called afraid of commitment types – funny its women call them that. Stupid guys get suckered in, really stupid guys repeat this, marry divorce marry divorce. We never lean

  • emmanuel

    May 10th, 2020 at 1:58 PM

    I’m 31, got a good career, average looking, make decent money, would say I’m average with womens – not terrible but not awesome either, I get to date average/good looking womens, but I’m certainly not the superstar either that gets all womens attention. I’m a smart guy and like to be ahead of the game. So after hearing so many mixed stories about marriage out there, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about marriage i.e I have friends in their 40s/50s (coworkers, friends of friends) that have been telling me exactly the same thing about womens/marriage that I’m reading on here: “do not get married”, “she doesn’t want to have sex anymore”, “I have had to have sex with hookers to get my sexual needs done”. I basically heard exactly the same stories I’ve read on here. So then am thinking: what is the point of getting married. Does not look like a good deal, very risky. Prenuptial agreement imperative in my view – I have not worked so hard in the last 10y of my life to give it all back. Any other piece of advice/comment/story feel free to share – there are young guys reading these posts.

  • Joshua

    May 20th, 2020 at 12:31 PM

    The truth hurts. These are all important factors to be aware of in relationships. No wonder the divorce rate is so high, it seems that women are naturally opposed to commitment. Excitement, danger, and novelty should not be the basis of arousal, men are not monkey’s for your entertainment. Such superficial desire is no basis for anything authentic and real. Not to judge our natural inclinations, but for any relationship to last we have to be aware of them and rise above them, not letting them determine our desire or our decisions. Your man should be the only man you would want to seek sexual attention from, not someone new. That’s micro-cheating and disrespectful to your relationship. I don’t know of any self-respecting man who would want to be in that kind of relationship, unless he was cheating around himself.

  • Joshua

    May 20th, 2020 at 12:37 PM

    Your catching on brother. Most women really don’t want marriage, even if they say they do. Most are tool’s driven by their own desires, and biological urges, of course most men are as well in a different way. The only women I would marry are the spiritually aware women who value personal authenticity, and can control themselves. They are rare but they do exist.

  • Anonymous

    June 3rd, 2020 at 4:10 AM

    Especially that time of the month.

  • Anonymous

    June 20th, 2020 at 5:05 AM

    I think I’ve figured it out. Maybe it’s more simple than previously thought.

    It’s a common conclusion from what I’ve read that a woman will usually see desire or sexuality (not just sex necessarily) as a way to love. Whereas a man will usually see love or commitment as a way to desire. Don’t get caught up in the genders here, but rather the roles. When the relationship matures, perhaps after moving in or through marriage – this point can be considered or taken as reaching the pinnacle of love, everlasting security. You could even have the perfect relationship, both parties showering each other in love, no question. But where does that leave desire? If the woman receives what she wants on a daily basis without having to put in any effort then where is the need for desire left (remember its purpose) ? Logically, gone. This can give rise to a situation where a partner is craving this desire that once was. Feeling resentful, drained, betrayed in a sense that he has given himself more only to receive less (in terms of desire).

    But it was simple you said – I hear you. This might sound complex, it’s not, at least not in cases where other obvious causes have been ruled out. It boils down to a simple problem of supply and demand of love (to be explicit, this includes attention). Providing an endless constant supply of it, part of what’s considered being the ‘perfect’ partner, can, in a way, suffocate that demand by providing an expectation that the supply will never be disrupted. This is what kills desire. It’s possible it is this social construct of endless security around love, which itself ignores our biology and natural inclinations that is causing damage and ironically kills love as a result; because without desire love cannot survive. Desire gives birth to love, and it is the oxygen that sustains it.

    Now what about the solution?
    Stop giving love unconditionally. People should not expect to receive what they can’t give. If someone doesn’t give themselves fully to you then why should you do the same for nothing in return?

    Stop guaranteeing security in your commitment , if they want to keep you around make them convince you of that every day. It’s this premise that you might not call your partner tomorrow for a second date that makes them crave you.

    Stop spending all the time together. In fact take whole days apart either in terms of attention, time, and/or space. Learn to miss each other in order to remember that love is not always a given, and as such desire should return because as renown psychotherapist Esther Perel points out – love is to have, desire is to want. You can’t want what you know for sure that you have. This means that more time ≠ more desire, connection, or even love for that matter.

    Start acting and behaving as you were before you moved in, married, or as I say reached the ‘pinnacle of love’. Take this example. You go on a date, they show no interest whatsoever in terms of desire – for whatever reason – would you go on to show them love. No. Why is it that you would go on to do this now? Because you are putting your partner on a pedestal. Your partner finishes work, you begin to kiss them, they tell you they are too tired for intimacy. Why is it that you are pushed back day after day when before you reached the ‘pinnacle’, nothing was ever enough to stop them from tearing your clothes off and showing desire. It’s because you are being taken for granted, at least your love. Your partner can’t crave your love if all you do is give it to them regardless of anything.

  • Fmwsom

    June 24th, 2020 at 7:50 PM

    So. I wanted to add my 2c here. I’ve been looking into this topic for years. Books, forums, therapy, sexual therapy. I’ve done it all.
    Maybe 10 years.

    Like many our issues started after kids. I was de prioritized, maybe rightfully so, but from then on I just couldn’t get myself to appear appealing to my wife. Everywhere I went, I read the issue is my fault. I don’t do enough, I’m not romantic enough, I don’t clean enough, I’m not fit enough, then you’ve got the other end of the spectrum. I’m doing too much, I’m enabling, I’m encouraging, if I do everything and she is rewarded with a loyal lapdog why should she ever change. I found the redpill ideology and I nearly fell for it. It’s the man’s job to take charge, be fun, entertaining, be fit, make bank… Everything. EVERYTHING I found was always on me.

    The truth is, despite making great money, having a six pack and big arms, walking the fine line between doing my part, and enabling, between being flirty and overtly sexual, between doing things for her and doing them for myself, the issue was never about me.
    You have to find someone who wants sex because they want it, not because you did a song and dance and successfully juggled them into excitement, but because they have a naturally high libido, or at least are interested in sex. Do they read about it, do they have it even when they’re tired. Do they masturbate? If they think about it without you, then they’ll think about it with you as long as you don’t let yourself go, you don’t have to be the hulk, as long as you’re not depressive, you don’t have to be an entertainer.

    The whole problem with this is people present an image when they’re first dating of something their not in order to lure you in. My only real advice is to be honest with yourself about your role, but hold her accountable for her role as well. If she changed the status quo and is refusing to accept that, then you need to leave. You have to leave even with kids because you need to show them that it’s okay for relationships to run their course and that your happiness is equal in value to hers. You need to find a woman who remains sexual for a long time even without marriage and if they change, then weigh up your odds on staying and leaving, but sadly you will never marry someone and have them stay that way forever. People change. You just have to evaluate and move on and be grateful for the time you spent even though you’re no longer compatible. That said from a marriage side of things, I would never get married. Why on earth would you get married when one party can unilaterally change one fundamental aspect of a relationship on a whim, then if you try to leave to find something more suitable, you can be financially crippled for so long, you may never recover. Don’t marry. Don’t marry. Don’t marry!

  • conway

    July 1st, 2020 at 12:04 PM

    I think it’s way past time that men admit that marriage is mostly only good for a max of 10 years, after that it’s time to bust and run! You should go into marriage with a plan for exit at 10 years, put money aside for her because she’s gonna take it one way or another! start shopping for another woman at least a year in advance and once your with the new woman start your new plan. you can stop playing the survival game once she is past 55 or 60.

  • Roshani

    July 11th, 2020 at 10:18 AM

    Very interesting and knowledgeable content.
    I love it.
    Keep it up!

  • Fredly

    September 4th, 2020 at 3:23 PM

    I an my wife’s third husband, she can be extremely attractive and sexually exciting. While not good friends with her exes, I have spoken with them enough to know she has engaged in the same pattern. When a relationship is new and exciting and even a little dangerous, she is unbelievable; as soon as she gets what she says she wants, she loses interest. This is not just related to sex, it pretty much applies to anything. The game is all about the getting, as soon as she gets anything she loses interest. Quite frankly, our relationship is best when I cease to try or cease to care. I have tried a lot of things over the years. I agree with the comment above that no matter what, it is too much too little, not enough; have just accepted this is the way it is and am marking time. I am at a point where I no longer believe there is such a thing as a good marriage and am marking time. FYI, while not a paragon of male attractiveness, I exercise routinely (and get compliments from women who are not my wife) and make enough money to put us well above average in income. We live in a nice house with nice cars and a fair amount of discretionary income. So I am marking time until I die or she dies because I have given up on this aspect of my life. Hope she reads it, she will understand “Fredly” although is not my real name. I know she will not because, quite frankly, she is just not interested. On the other hand, she cares deeply about how much money I make. Yay!

  • Anonymous

    September 29th, 2020 at 7:52 AM

    Lets not forget that so many women nowadays are into other women now as well.

  • Bill

    October 23rd, 2020 at 8:56 AM

    Your article is very insightful. We’ve been married amore that 25 years and my desire for her hasn’t changed one bit. I realize that she’s currently struggling with menopause and the changes happening she see’s happening her body and I’m trying to understand and be there for her, but I do get frustrated hearing her constant negative comments about herself and her body – especially because I think she looks awesome and tell her that every chance I get. In all honesty, her lack of sexual desire started long before menopause. When I playfully joke with her and make sexual references regarding her, she actually gets mad and makes me feel stupid. To make matters worse, when she notices me looking at her naked/checking her out, she make me feel like a creep. And then, when we actually have sex, which is maybe once or twice and month, its one and done. There’s never a second time. There’s no passion and then there’s the period that follows where she’s just mean/angry towards me – like she’s mad we had sex.
    I love my wife and I want my wife back. It wasn’t like this in the beginning years of our marriage and there were a lot of things she did then, that she’s absolutely unwilling to do now. Some things are sexual and other things were just signs of intimacy and desire that I miss.

    Do you have any suggestions?

  • Gary

    October 24th, 2020 at 7:56 AM

    Hi Bill, sounds like you’re in a pretty tough situation. Marriage turns out not to be such a great deal for men after all, doesn’t it? Well if its any consolation, you’ve got plenty of company. I can’t help you directly but I can probably save you some time. The calculus of life happiness will go like this for you. Sex, while vitally important, is not going to happen in your marriage in the passionate way you want. Accept that as reality. Your wife isn’t going to change because she has no motivation to change. Why the heck would she suddenly want to be cursed with desire that hands power in the relationship back over to you? She doesn’t. She’s got a good deal now, and has no incentive to change. So… you have two primary options. One, you can leave the marriage and almost certainly find much better sex. But at a huge cost that for a couple years will really bother you. Or two, accept that it will never get better. You – like most men – got suckered into marriage, and aren’t willing to pay the price to get out. I feel bad for all of us, but that’s just reality.
    Try to find other non-sexual positives in life if you choose the second option. Maybe have a private ceremony where you have a eulogy for your years-past passionate sex life. Acknowledging that its over now, but also that you have a chance to warn younger men about this before they get suckered into the same deal.
    Good luck to you, sir.

  • miik

    February 3rd, 2021 at 10:54 PM

    Hey bill ,
    First I think its possible she needs a therapist. Sometimes I think people forget that there are sex therapist who address these issues with individuals or couples all the time. Have you sat down with her and had a serious conversation? I was completely unaware how much my boyfriend was holding in because he was bad with emotions and communicating. By not telling her how you feel and to what extent is only growing resentment. By her always having sex for you and never truly wanting it in the end only makes her resent you. Over time more romance and intimacy will be lost but with the right effort from both sides It can definitely be fixed. But you also have to ask yourself how well you are communicating your needs. It’s even possible she isn’t communicating what her needs are or maybe isn’t even sure what those are.

    The problem starts with effective communication and a neutral stand point. Not “ We aren’t having sex enough” or “you keep turning me down” but “hey it’s really important to me that we try to maintain this connection in someway. I enjoy having sex with you and would like to know If there’s any particular reason you are aware of that might be effecting our sex life” or “ im feeling rejected and am hoping we can find a solution that works for the both of us”

    It’s possible she is running from emotions and they come out as anger. Anger is an umbrella for other emotions. Sometimes she could even be angry at herself. It’s worth even asking her to address that anger and really uncover what it is. Sometimes I made the assumption that my boyfriend was angry with me when really he was beating himself up and feeling like the messed up one. It’s hard to really put yourself in the other persons shoes when you are constantly internalizing things “theres a problem with me, why am i always messing up, whats wrong with my body, this person is unsatisfied and its my fault.” If hurt or feeling like they are being blamed for something they could even be thinking ” why do they always want sex” or “they obviously care about sex more than me being comfortable.” When we don’t communicate our thinking errors take over and we place things on the other person that may not even be true. Then the cycle of resentment continues.

    She honestly sounds like shes having problems with vulnerability coupled with not being confident in her body leading to insecurity. Not a very sexy recipe. She needs help and guidance from someone outside the relationship. Sex requires truly being in ones body and when you can’t do that it can definitely cause issues. Sometimes problems with sex starts with addressing other things so that you can then communicate effectively to even talk about the sex properly in the first place. If she is going through menopause it might even be worth it for her to do some hormone therapy to negate any effects shes having from that. Good luck!

  • mick

    February 9th, 2021 at 3:56 PM

    been in a relationship for 5 years we get on really well work as a team great holidays together never had a row we have a lot in common supported and comforted one another when grief has struck i wanted to marry her she moved in with me as soon as we met and l felt it was right.But the last year has been tough she has just gone right off sex we used to have an amazing love life now its oh l’m too tired she has just come through the menopause maybe that could be the cause of it.WE have had talks and things improve for a short time then it revert back to where she doesn’t want me to touch her.l have put up with it for a year but know l have started to distance myself from her l have stopped cuddling her at night and telling her that l love her we talk ok about everyday things but as far as showing her any affection l have stopped it is driving us apart l have been through 2 divorces and l’m fuked if l am going to have a third one l ove her but l am not prepared to get in a loveless marriage.Tommorow night l am going to start sleeping on my own and see if that shocks her l don’t know what the outcomeis going to be but l would rather be on my own than get into a loveless life that would be torment

  • lizrd

    April 12th, 2021 at 5:27 PM

    AMEN, sister. Thank you for this.

  • Martin

    April 21st, 2021 at 1:23 AM

    In response to Emmanuel – glad you saw this article and read the comments. Marriage is not a good idea for men now.

    The hypocrisy is astonishing from the female camp. Unmarried women calling men “commitment phobes!” You see Emmanuel, they, as a group, are the reason that men have become less willing to commit, because women cannot commit and sustain a marriage once they are in to. ie’ it is an inversion – women’s inability to make the necessary sacrifices to sustain the marriage is the chief reason men no longer commit – it is becoming well known, and happily It is starting to filter down to your generation.

    As you grow older you will realise the reason successful societies are male dominated. Because women’s extreme range of emotional movement throughout their lives do not lend themselves to rules based orders. This is worsened exponentially today as the toxically feminised culture, actually congratulates and empathises with women that lack the self discipline to adhere to the strictures of marital life.

    In a more perfect society, young men and women should be educated to understand men’s consistent biological driven behavioural dynamics versus the highly cyclical/changing biology of women.

    Of course, all that is just a pipe dream. I will take generations to undo the damage that feminism has done to the west.

  • Marma

    April 30th, 2021 at 6:03 AM

    Really Nice Blog you have written. Its really beneficial for those women who hesitate to talk openly. Actually most of the women facing this problem and there are so many reasons behind that. But without hesitating women should treat themselves or should talk openly. In this busy life because of so much work stress, anxiety it happens that women lose their desire so you can also cure this or boost your desire with medicine for female excitement.

  • Mary

    May 20th, 2021 at 6:09 PM

    The one thing men who complain that they don’t have a satisfying sex life never seem to realize is that they are partially responsible for it. If they put more effort into giving pleasure to their wives instead of focusing entirely on what their wives can do for them, their wives wouldn’t lose interest. Sex within marriage is supposed to be for both of the spouses’ pleasure. It’s not for the wife to cater to needs of the husband. If you see it that way, it’s no wonder your wife has lost interest. She feels used. Any husband who wants his wife to stay interested in him needs to make her pleasure the top priority, not an afterthought. If you don’t have a healthy sex life, it’s because you’re not doing this.

  • Jo

    May 29th, 2021 at 11:23 AM

    @Mary – Understand the general message about shared responsibility. So both need to come together and not wait for the other to make that positive change 1st. If one feels used, it should be communicated in a way that promotes positive change from both. It is unproductive to make assumptions that anyone who doesn’t have a healthy sex life would mean one party is guilty of not pleasing the other enough. In the general example given, it would be reasonable to assume as well the wife didn’t give much of a motivation to encourage her husband to make her pleasure the top priority. This would be a somewhat more equitable interpretation of partial or shared responsibility.

  • MarmaAyurveda

    June 9th, 2021 at 4:37 AM

    Great Blog In this blog you got into most of woman’s heads so deep.It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a certain issue. Also sometimes it’s hurtful to be rejected so many times and the only times he wants you, you have to say “no” because you are just too disconnected.
    I would however like to see more articles on this and I will definitely share this with couples.

  • Anonymous

    June 18th, 2021 at 3:24 PM

    I am glad I found this blog & comments although can’t believe I am searching for this type of thing for insight at only 32. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, we aren’t married but we do own a house together. I was always the one to initiate sex in the beginning but as it was the honeymoon period and she was more than willing it was fantastic. I think the sex started disappearing around 3 years into the relationship ironically at the same time we purchased our house. As time moved on she started declining my advances far too frequently and not in a nice way either she would throw my hand away or be very stern and just say NO! which as you can imagine left me feeling absolutely devastated and I dare say I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had sprayed me with water as you would an animal. Fast forward to today and the sex is now once every 12 weeks if I am lucky. She will 100% turn me down if I try in the morning or daytime my only window of opportunity is when we go the bed at around 10pm. Excuses range from tired, headache, hungry, too hot, not in the mood, too early, too late, work stress. I have tried to have several discussions with her about our sex life but she just rolls her eyes and the only comment she will make about it is that I always pick the wrong times and when I point out that if she communicated the right times it would solve the issue I just get the silent treatment. It seems like when we do have sex it’s just to shut me up so afterwards I just feel more empty than I did before, I feel very angry and resentful – having to fantasize about having sex with the one person you should be able to have it with is crushing. We can all sit here thinking what can be done to get sex back on track but sadly I think the truth is they just don’t care

  • Mansacks

    June 21st, 2021 at 2:53 PM

    Son, my heart goes out to you. It is massively damaging to the male ego. Forget going to couples counselling or psychotherapists because that industry is completely feminized. You will only end up more depressed after they tell you to be more understanding, do more housework, empathize blah. They want you to keep returning for the repeat budiness and they tell the women what they want to hear, not what they should hear, while denigrating a perfectly normal male sex drive.

    On the bright side, you’re not married and no kids euther! Start to prepare an exit for yourself now. Don’t leave it a decade as I did and end up with further resent. You sound like a decent young man, frustrated by the incredibly bad messages guven to young women by a toxically feminised culture.

    As hard as it might seem now, organizing the separation, it is short term pain, for long term gain. Remember this situation has taught you a lot about modern western women and you will be far more discerning in the future.

    And do subscribe to Suzanne Venker’s podcasts – she rips our feminised society a new one – and has sone excellent guests. They will make you feel sane again and lesson your pain, once you realise how poorly women behave these days!

    Good luck from a 53 year old!

  • Mary

    July 5th, 2021 at 2:55 PM

    What about all the wives whose husbands have no libido or can’t perform sexually but refuse to seek medical help (for erectile dysfunction)? I have been in two marriages and in both, I have been the one with the high drive and just had to live without. When I look up advice online, it’s only for men, yet I have several female friends going through the same thing! I try to keep fit, I don’t nag, etc. I hate feeling rejected and undesirable.

  • Jo

    July 7th, 2021 at 5:17 AM

    If your partner doesn’t or has not been showing you the kind of affection you would like to experience outside of bedroom, it is unlikely it will translate to something heartfelt inside. Had a female friend who had similar problems. She went for counselling and tried to convince her husband to do so. In her own words she did not consider what her husband did to be adultery, but the emotional support she had from her husband evaporated with the fact her husband chose to live with the other woman after that. Needless to say, they divorced. Some say it’s sufficient that one party tried to change, some say you need both. Whatever it may be, our personal values towards marriage or sex matters more than the influence therapy can bring. After all, no man or woman seeks counselling when they are absolutely sure they don’t want children, married or not.

  • Mary

    July 7th, 2021 at 9:16 AM

    If your partner doesn’t or has not been showing you the kind of affection you would like to experience outside of bedroom, it is unlikely it will translate to something heartfelt inside.
    Jo, actually, my husband does show me affection and genuine love in many ways, which is what makes me more understanding of his lack of a sex drive. He is affectionate, loving, attentive, romantic…I love him so much and his lack of libido will never change that. I just need to overcome the feeling of being undesirable due to it. Thank you for your comment.

  • A Guy

    July 9th, 2021 at 9:06 AM

    Men need to understand that women have two different sets of needs; namely, comfort needs and arousal needs. For many women, these needs cannot be met by one man. A lot of women do not understand this duality because it is driven by survival of the species primal instinct embedded in the reptilian brain. I did not learn about this reality until I was going through divorce in my mid-fifties and started to study social dynamics as they apply to relationships and evolutionary anthropology/psychology. Contrary to what men are told by women, increasing comfort does not increase arousal. Arousal is primal in nature. What increases arousal almost every time is dread (i.e., the fear that you have other options that you will exercise). The reality is that women are drawn sexually to men that other women want because they know that these men are not 100% obtainable. The evolutionary anthropologist Patricia Draper coined the terms “dads” and “cads” to explain the difference in female mating behavior. Women marry dads (high comfort), but they want to have sex with cads (high arousal). Have you ever wondered why women are drawn to bad boys when they are younger (some women never grow out of this stage)? Bad boys do not play by the rules, nor are they 100% obtainable. Bad boys are the extreme inverse of comfort. Yet, women are drawn to them like bees to honey when they are younger.
    The reality, as sick as it sounds, is to never let a woman get comfortable enough with you that she does not have to worry about another woman taking your away from her. Remember, a man usually gives up his options when he commits because men are the pursuers. A woman never gives up her options. She merely stops exercising them. That difference places a man in a committed relationship at a distinct disadvantage unless he continues to develop options while in a relationship. Women will want to downplay this reality, but it is easy to test. If you are start removing comfort and increasing dread (e.g., flirt with other women), a woman will jump through hoops for your attention. It is crazy, but it has worked flawlessly with women for the last five years.
    Remember, your most basic primal need is not her most basic primal need. Your most basic primal need is to procreate the species, which you can do for a much longer period of time than a woman. A woman’s most basic primal need is to feel safe and secure, which is why women tend to be drawn to taller/larger men (it is primal instinct, not socialization). Commitment fulfills that need for most women. In essence, a woman in a committed relationship is getting her most basic primal need met, which often turns off arousal.
    Finally, women are the gatekeepers to sex, which is why sex is cheap to most women. However, men are the gatekeepers to commitment, which is why commitment is cheap to most men. If you do not believe me, all you have to do is compare the number of books about obtaining commitment that are targeted at women versus the number of these books that are targeted at men. The number of books targeted at men that are about obtaining sex greatly outnumber the books about obtaining commitment. If you never let a woman believe that you are 100% committed to a relationship, you will be a happier man. If she walks, she spared you from a lot of frustration.

  • Mary

    July 9th, 2021 at 9:25 PM

    “If you are start removing comfort and increasing dread (e.g., flirt with other women), a woman will jump through hoops for your attention. It is crazy, but it has worked flawlessly with women for the last five years.”
    As a woman, I have always seen this ploy for what it is and so it has never had this effect on me. I refuse to stay with someone who does this so I have left and the man I’m with now, my husband, has never done it, which is one of the millions of reasons I love him. One of the major flaws in reasoning about relationships between men and women (and hence all the silly games people play) stems from starting with the faulty premise that human beings have “reptilian brains” and that everything we do is from some deep primal instinct. This line of reasoning is used to justify all kinds of ridiculous behavior. In reality, human beings are perfectly capable of monogamous relationships without playing petty games with each other. Not all women want commitment (hence the anger directed at career-oriented, college educated women who don’t want kids). Commitment benefits men more than women because they benefit from the free labor of their wives while women are the ones who sacrifice their careers and exchange paid labor for unpaid labor (cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc.). So to say that men are the “gatekeepers of commitment” is inaccurate. That might have been true in ages past when women didn’t have their own resources but it sure isn’t now. This is yet another example of how the way we behave in relationships has nothing to do with primal instincts.

  • Gary

    July 11th, 2021 at 2:45 PM

    Hi “A Guy”. While I wouldn’t have worded things exactly the way you did, I do think you brilliantly summarized the situation with “Women are the gatekeepers of sex, while men are the gatekeepers of commitment.” This is so obviously true in retrospect. The problem is that most men on this site are already married. They’ve cashed in the only piece of leverage that they have. Is it any wonder that women no longer jump through hoops to sexually please a man? He is “broke” (after spending his commitment-choice) – why on earth would she be attracted to him?
    Mary – you mention something about anger at career women. That is a story that is told to women to justify their resentment of men. Men either don’t care about that, or its a plus. Feminist storytime tells a different story, but not a true one.
    I didn’t realize how grossly the culture lies to men about the nature of marriage until it was far too late. I remember reading articles about how marriage was “great” for men, and somehow bad for women. That didn’t square at all with my own observations. I remember reading many articles about the importance of “communication” and being “emotionally available”. I did all of those things, but it didn’t lead to the rekindling of excitement that I was hoping for. Strange. Then sad.
    I wish things weren’t setup they way they are. But what “A Guy” said is essentially true. It isn’t pretty, but women’s sexual behavior is wildly different when single versus married. And I think “competition anxiety” is a big component of it.
    To any single men who stumble upon this thread, please understand that when you get married, you lose a lot. Most married men wouldn’t do it over again. Its much more fun being single, and hanging onto those wild memories from all the different available women.. well.. its a shame its over.

  • A Guy

    July 12th, 2021 at 2:59 PM

    Gary, Mary is playing the typical blame and obfuscate game that women use to gain an upper hand on men. The reality is that men and women are driven to pair-bond for very different reasons. Anyone who does not believe that attraction, arousal, lust, and chemistry are 100% primal in nature is not paying attention to his/her body. We cannot will ourselves to be attracted to a person, regardless of how perfect he/she is on paper.
    Unlike men, women can offset lack of arousal by using compensating comfort attributes (we have all heard more than one one woman say, “I know he is not that attractive, but he is really nice”). That is in large part because unlike men, women have both visual and non-visual primal mate selection triggers. Men only have visual mate selection primal triggers. That reality makes the type of man a woman selects for her husband very different than the men with whom she had fun when she was single. I did not marry until the second half of my thirties. Let’s say that I more than sowed my wild oats. I saw the wild side of women first-hand, which is why I could not reconcile what happened when I finally settled down after a full-court press by my parents.
    The reality is that there is nothing in modern marriage for men. My ex-wife was not a stay-home-mom. She was a career woman whose career I supported. She was all over me when we were dating. In fact, she was all over me up until the time our children arrived, and boom, the primary relationship switched from being between us to being between her and our children (the number one mistake that women make in their marriages that leads to male infidelity). It did not matter how much of the household chores I took on. Nothing could turn that freight train around. All it did was increase her comfort.
    I stand by my assertion that increasing comfort does not increase arousal. That is the big lie that is sold by the feminized marriage counseling industry. Taking on more chores just leads to a greater loss of respect, which leads to an even greater loss of arousal.
    Any man who finds himself in a relationship where he has to beg for sex should to focus less on increasing comfort and more on increasing arousal. If he cannot increase arousal, then it is time to leave. There is a difference between sex as reward for being more helpful and sex that is centered in arousal. Often it takes getting divorced for a man who has been married for a long to time to realize the difference.
    Life is too short to spend it with a woman who does not desire you. I have been with my present girlfriend for three years. She notices how other peer-age and younger women look at me when we go out. She is an executive who earns more than enough money to support herself. She had many men who wanted her when she chose me, but she chose me because I am in her words, “tall, built, well-educated, and handsome.” Those are all arousal attributes. She did not use the typical comfort attribute fodder a man encounters on female profiles on dating sites such as, funny, kind, gentle, and family oriented.

  • Edward

    July 12th, 2021 at 8:13 PM

    When I was single young man I had plenty of partners than at 26 I married what I thought was my true sole mate, my love. Are sex life was the top of the world until she ate the wedding cake, what happened, I stained with her because I loved her but ,when we got to once a year , we went for help
    She told me to stay home and worked with her . Than she stoped , we were married for I think 18 years , so being single I went back to make up for lost time than meet another one that I fell in love with and are trust is great but once I moved in the same thing happened it been 6 years now
    And I am 67 . As friends we could stay to get her but I really enjoy sex and like to think I give every thing to my partner. I just do not get it

  • EJ

    July 27th, 2021 at 6:22 AM

    My wife and I have been married for about 17 years now. We used to have sex all the time, of course, when we first got together. Over the last 5-6 years — not so much. Then when I do try to get her in the mood, I am responded with “I’m tired”, “I don’t feel good”, or whatever other excuse that she can think of. She masturbates alot, but tries to play it off as “scratching” from an ingrown hair. I masturbated last night while she was asleep, and I even tried getting her in the mood before we went to bed and right after we were in bed, only to be told I am tired and that was it. She rolled over and went to sleep. So I took care of it myself and when I told her this morning, the look that would have killed me, if possible was given.

    I told her I attempted to get her in the mood and wanted to have sex with her, but was turned down like normal.

  • Olivia

    August 28th, 2021 at 8:46 PM

    hi, a Guy

    non-married female here. I wonder if what you say really is true because it is not the same with me. I have never cared if any of my partners looked at other women. maybe it is because I am young and know i will never lack attention. my mother is over 50 and has never lacked attention even from older men, neither has any of my aunts, so I always had that mentality. For the friends I had, that trick simply wore off, especially with many becoming more open to their sexuality, they do not mind being with women and many even say it is better, but I disagree.
    Still, I am scared. I have a partner currently who I genuinely want to spend forever with and I was the one who initially had commitment issues. I am scared our sex life might get boring. In the beginning, people made me believe you had to remind a ma that he could easily lose you to keep him attracted, and I saw that the trick worked for a lot of men but not so much for my partner. The men it worked for, actually got tired quickly. As for the women I know, they were more likely to leave when they saw his attention or them reducing, then again, they know also that they can never lack attention and frankly do not care for marriage. What advice do you think you can give besides what you stated because it clearly does not work as well as you say

  • Jo

    October 9th, 2021 at 2:32 AM

    ‘there is nothing in modern marriage for men’. It is more likely that modern people have differing or evolving expectations on what is marriage. From the sharing by men who keep saying along the lines ‘dont get married..etc’, probably they couldn’t accept that people do change. It could be in ways that improve intimacy or maybe not. If sexual dissatisfaction is causing you to feel constantly frustrated despite honest and sincere communication with your spouse, one direction to take would be to give yourself a timeline (or deadline) for things to improve for both. After which, be prepared to move on. What I’m trying to say is, marriage by itself isn’t the problem. Our expectations, perceptions, values are the factors influencing the dynamics of marriage.
    Basic questions that frustrated spouses want to ask: is he/she permanently disinterested in sex or just doesn’t want it with me? If it’s the first, at least it’s nothing personal. No question about desirability. If it’s the latter, maybe need to explore a bit more. Remember there are happily married couples who don’t have sex at all from the start or at some point in time for various reasons. So for those who are seriously thinking about marriage, go on. Don’t let the experiences of others be the sole factor to hold you back.

  • Stan

    October 9th, 2021 at 3:05 PM

    If she knows she’ll get the house, retirement monies, kids and a monthly tax-free payment no matter what she does, then she really doesn’t care if hubby is happy or not.

  • Samantha

    October 11th, 2021 at 8:13 PM

    Unfortunately, it seems that many men expect sex to remain constant throughout a marriage in this day and age. In my parents generation (born 1931 & 1938 respectively) most couples stopped having sex 5-6 years after the last child was born. This was seen as normal then-sex wasn’t expected to be recreational and life long. Germaine Greer has traveled widely and wrote of a tribal group in Africa that found it “laughable” that sex was used for anything but reproduction, so it seems our “western” ways and not “western women” are the problem here.

  • bartelbe

    October 30th, 2021 at 12:45 PM

    You can’t be politically correct and discuss this issue. The reason for sexless marriages and married women losing interest in sex don’t paint a pretty picture of women and that is forbidden in our feminist society.

    For example a large minority of women get no pleasure from sex and an even larger minority never enjoyed sex with their husband, even before they were married. This doesn’t stop these women faking and effectively conning their men that all is well in the bedroom. The only conclusion you can draw from this is these women were playing a long game. Pretend to enjoy sex to con their man into marriage, kids and being a provider. At which point sex is withdrawn.

    Even among women who do enjoy sex before marriage, many don’t afterwards. The answer to that puzzle is no more feminist or politically correct. Women are attracted to high status guys, powerful men, men who are desired by other women. Knowing this it obvious why marriage leads to dead bedrooms.

    The married man is emasculated, the laws surrounding marriage mean his wife can destroy him financially whenever she pleases. If they have kids she can take them away, if they breakup she will more than likely get the house. Not only does this diminish his status in her eyes, it also becomes far less like he will cheat. The threat of other women is reduced.

    Women say they want long relationships but that is only half true. Sure they want a father, a provider but they don’t want long term sexual relationships because such relationships are a turn off. Not politically correct but it is the truth.

  • Olivia Yetunde Alabi

    November 6th, 2021 at 4:59 PM

    So no one has given any concrete or factual reason for their beliefs. Nothing is based on any proper study, yet the men here believe that women are part of this diabolical plan to trick men into marriage and provide. The women think the men must be crazy for expecting sexual urges to be constant. In the end, everyone looks for something to justify their beliefs and then their cause of action. Suppose you’re in a sexless and unhappy marriage; my condolences. Divorce is more accepted and if it’s not going to screw you over, then do it. If you’re not married, then it’s best not to get married if all these stories scare you so much, otherwise look for a candid sexual partner to marry. If you’re married, then either work on your marriage. Blaming the other gender or your genetics is just a futile attempt to validate your egos which frankly already seems broken enough since you need to go so far to validate them. If your last three marriages didn’t work, then maybe you should start seeing it as a sign not to get married anymore because you’ve obviously made the wrong decision 3 times already, and newsflash, it means something is definitely wrong with your behavioral pattern (that, can actually be proven by facts)

  • Gary

    November 7th, 2021 at 6:18 AM

    Hi Olivia – for myself I see no “diabolical plot” from women to trick men into marriage. However, men are understandably upset when they realize they have been lied to by the culture. Primarily because by the time they realize they’ve been lied to, its too late to do anything about it without taking major steps that will disrupt other aspects of his life.
    Its a shame. I really enjoy the company of single women. The things that they do when single are wonderful and fantastic. The few that don’t do those things, its quick and painless to simply stop dating them and move on.
    As someone mentioned earlier in this thread “Women are the gatekeepers of sex. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment.” The problem is that sex is a recurring need, whereas marriage commitment is a one-time thing that, once spent, renders the male with absolutely no leverage. The woman may parcel out sex sparingly, while the male is penniless, having cashed in his one and only piece of currency, commitment, long ago. Therefore one might say that women may not have a “plot” but all women are extremely well aware that sex is quite important to males, and they behave in their rationale self-interest. What this thread hopefully accomplishes is to make sure that single males are aware of the looming power dynamic shift, and resulting behavioral change, so that they can either avoid marriage entirely – or, if sex isn’t important to them, go ahead and marry with a clear view of what will happen.

  • Olivia

    November 8th, 2021 at 9:10 AM

    Hi Gary, sex is essential to everyone, but admittedly more critical to men, I suppose. I can never tell because I judge from my singular perspective, and I’m considered hypersexual for everyone who bothers to know me. I also happen to know quite a few women who enjoy sex a lot, and it’s a criterion for any relationship they enter. These women, but from the few I’ve discussed with (and my own experience), that doesn’t mean the sex drive is gone. I believe we did ourselvesa disservice by making us think that you’ll forever be sexually attracted to one person a scam. As far as history & culture is concerned, there are numerous accounts of infidelities that litter the pages of history. Many societies were polygamous, so I don’t think our culture deceived us. We just ignored the obvious. Women are not sexually monogamous anymore than men. Culture is changing, hence why we see more people accepting polyamory, so we really can’t keep blaming culture. I opt for single people to stay single for as long as possible, at least until they crave singular companionship. or the need to procreate.

  • Al

    November 27th, 2021 at 5:56 PM

    This really is eye opening.. I’m honestly disgusted by how superficial and narcissistic this paints women. You have destroyed my faith in humanity. Thanks. I guess all I can do is be toxic by trying to make my partner jealous and cheating so that my partner constantly feels invalidated. Great Thanks a lot, women are jerks that’s how I’m supposed to think now right?..

  • Paul

    January 23rd, 2022 at 12:51 PM

    I’m a 43 year old man and I’ve never had sex or been on a date. For fundamentally unattractive guys like me, it seems the only option for intimacy of any sort is to pay for it. Am I selfish to think intimacy should be between myself and a woman who wants me for me and not my money? The problem is, no woman has ever been interested in me other than as a friend, so it will never happen.

  • Guest

    March 1st, 2022 at 10:33 AM

    Just look at how many women these days are falling in love with their own sex. Go figure.

  • Jeff

    March 12th, 2022 at 12:01 PM

    The reason why many men are here on this thread is because you lost your “GAME”.
    turn yourself into the person that can’t be turned down, and won’t be turned down.
    Women like the chase, even after being married for a decades. Routine gets old and boring. Get creative, and step it up.
    Also this whole men going their own way thing is gay and a from of population reduction.

  • Alejandro

    March 13th, 2022 at 12:12 PM

    There is a line I love from a movie that I apply to nearly everything in life – “Nobody rides for free.”
    In everything one does or does not, there is a cost.
    Staying single has costs. Getting married has costs.
    It’s all about the price you’re willing to pay.
    I’ve not ready every single message here but enough that I wanted to share my $.02 to see what both men and women think.
    I feel like I could write an entire book here, but I will somehow strive to keep it from getting ridiculous.
    After the failure of my most important relationship, one that lasted 11 years, I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch thinking about things. Specifically the nature of how women work and how sex works, and of course relationships.

    I can only give an opinion through the lens of a man, and as such it will alwyas have limitations. Inasmuch as a women can never understand the feeling of an erection, a man can’t understand how a woman feels on so many levels.

    Nature (and/or God(s), etc. if this is your inclination) has designed both young men and women to be tricked into parenthood. Originally, I was angry because I had my male filter on and simply thought “The whole thing is designed to trick a man into fatherhood.” This is still, for the men, the case.

    Essentially all the biological switches get flipped and a guy has the desire to have sex. The women are in a sense designed to trigger us like we are crack addicts and while I’m trying to make light of it, it is a deadly serious issue.

    So here you have this young male craving somewhere to put it, and there is the girl. Again, I’m limited to the male view for now. “Here… look what we have for you… yes.. put it in… feels great doesn’t it? Just a little more…. oops!!!! Guess what?? You’re a daddy now!!!!” The young dumb kid was NOT looking to be a daddy.

    I’ve heard it all from women about how we have brains and the rest. It is all very cute, but women can not understand the male drive and feelings. No different than a man will NEVER understand female hormones and periods, etc. It is simply impossible to truly capture these things because we are so very different. No matter how smart, how educated a man might be, he has been DESIGNED with these triggers.

    Men did NOT ask for this. If these triggers were removed, a man would be chilling doing his thing and so what if there is a woman over there with nice body parts or half-naked? Big deal. I’m more interested in (insert a hobby).
    Can you even imagine how the dynamics of the world would change if all men everyone were not driven and or triggered by female beauty, sex appeal, and of course men’s programmed sexual desire?

    Now there is a massive simplification there that I am happy is talked about here. Men are also not just looking for plain boring sex. Men also want… NEED… to be desired. Whether or not they admit it… Even the nastiest, toxic alpha male is secretly craving this desire.
    As someone else wrote, for a woman to just lie there and quietly and mechanically offer herself, is not enough.

    (Just as it would not be enough for women if the reverse was true).

    The observations made here about how women lose sexual desire (and by their own admission, even when the man is doing everything right) are the stuff of men’s nightmares.

    Someone brilliantly wrote that men project their desires on women. This is so very true. It is also behind the whole dix pick thing. It is the stupid fantasy of a man to show a woman “hey look at what you do to me” and imagine it has the same effect of a woman sending him a pic of her erect points and moist are. The man feels like a hero if someone does that. This is how he understands things.

    It is also so very very wrong.

    Men are so very dumb to think that women operate as they do. But you know… This is a natural mistake because what other point of reference does a young man have? The problem is that as they age, so many continue to believe this.
    Today with the available information, and perhaps with the right woman who can discuss this with him intelligently, he can be better informed and kill those kinds of incorrect projections.

    The whole thing with the way things change in a relationship feeling like “the rug gets pulled out” or as I have called it – “Bait and Switch” are very real.

    There are so many reasons these things happen, but some of them have already been explored here. The thing is… It happens. It is a fact. There are exceptions, I personally am friends with 2/3 women that have an appetite that would make men afraid. I personally would never want to be those women’s boyfriends or husbands, because while men complain about lack of sex, if a woman wants it all the time, there is no man on earth that can keep up with that. I’ve had a great libido all my life, I would say very very high, but I know I cannot keep up with that.

    Women… So many of them have issues with the mechanics of sex. I was blessed for many years with women that truly could orgasm like crazy, but that run came to an end when I became involved with a couple of women that simply could not orgasm or took extreme amounts of work or very specific positions. So no matter how much skill you think you have or stamina, you can hit some depressing scenarios. One thing I told a woman… The ones that use vibrators… I said that’s not something in nature. MY part cannot possibly complete with something that vibrates at 1000 rpm. (exaggeration intended). So add another layer of complication.

    So I can imagine from the point of view of a lot of women out there… Here I am, I’m beautiful, I have these men after me and I have sex with them, but man, they just don’t really get me there so much of the time. Why should I keep having sex?
    So men have to realize that there are a lot of smoke and mirrors to the nature of sex and what they think they know about it. The reality is so different than what they think it is.
    And the worse part… As someone who has always loved magic tricks. Once you understand how the trick is performed, you can never enjoy it the same way again. You can never unlearn what you know.

    To quote the movie “The Prestige”: “The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you’re looking for the secret… but you won’t find it, because of course you’re not really looking. You don’t really want to know. You want to be fooled.”
    (The magician = nature, God, and yes, women.)

    I’m falling asleep and rambling, so I’ll stop here for now.

  • Guest

    March 18th, 2022 at 3:24 PM

    What men have to learn now is that women do not need men. A woman can get a job, buy her own car, her own house and pay her own bills. She will only need a man when she wants to have children. She decides if she wants to go the marriage then kids route or if she is just going to get pregnant. Regardless of what she decides to do, after she gets what she wants, she will not need a man anymore.
    Times have changed. Women do not need men for protection, they don’t need a man to put a roof over her head, food on the table or clothes on her back. This is progress? Depends on your point of view, but young men should understand this before committing to marriage.
    I don’t like seeing “All women are like this” or “All men are like that” because there will always be exceptions.

  • Tom

    June 1st, 2022 at 10:39 AM

    It has been almost 11 years since this thread was initiated. For all the interpersonal, political, social, psychological, physiological explanations given to the phenomena of “Why [Do] Women in Committed Relationships Lose Sexual Desire?”, the phenomena of technology, aka social media, does not seem to have found any mention here.

    At the turn of the 21st century, online forums were already a rapid source of information sharing, creating untold opportunities for making the best of archaic institutions like legal marriage for every(wo)man. In the post-Lehman era the rapid proliferation of social dating platforms and photo/video sharing heralded a situation where women could get their non-visual fix in the palm of their hands. 24/7. Whether it be just innocuously swiping or their active participation in content generation, where in the past century the sole audience be likely only the husband, women have a further outreach today and can no longer translate the fawning they got from a solo audience into sexual desire. An average Joe, the vast majority of men, has not only to compete with the average-plus Joe from the neighbouring bar stool on a date night out with his lawful wedded wife, but the legions of content generators and consumers that are piped into the smartphone. On demand and push notified. Good luck getting to fourth base. For the rest of married life.

  • Guest

    September 3rd, 2022 at 1:30 PM

    Forty years ago when I got married, everything was good. But things slowed way down in the bedroom after 6 or 8 years. It finally reached a point where I stopped trying. I still desired my wife very much but I had reached a point I knew I would be denied so why try? One of the things I had to do was stop looking at my wife whenever she was naked or only partially clothed. I couldn’t look at her because I knew how my body would react and that would only hurt me.
    One evening I had gone to bed while she was taking a shower. I was reading a book when I heard her come into the room, as was my habit by then, I turned away from her as I knew she would only have a towel around her. Next thing I heard was my wife crying, so I turned to look and asked what is wrong? She said “You don’t love me anymore.” So of course I had to ask her what made her think that? She explained that I didn’t try anymore to have sex with her and I wouldn’t even look at her. I explained that she never wanted to have sex and if I looked at her while she was naked, I would become aroused and I knew she didn’t want to have anything to do with that. Well, things got better in the bedroom, for a few weeks, then it went back to like before.
    That was about 30 years ago and probably the last time she ever thought about my sexual needs.

  • Greg

    September 20th, 2022 at 2:17 PM

    We men see women through a fog created by our own hormones, and project upon them a sexuality that many simply do not possess. I have been married to a wonderful person for more than 30 years, and our relationship has been sexless or very near for most of that time. She is intelligent, attractive, funny, responsible and supportive. She is also an asexual. She desires affection but nothing more. She did not purposely mislead me. When we were young the term was unknown to us both. She was, and remains, in denial about her lack of desire. Sadly, for me, even though my body no longer reacts to a woman as it once did my desire still remains. A pernicious mental annoyance that simply must be ignored. I’ve felt that if we could temporarily burden women with a man’s sex drive and no way to relieve it that they would be much more sympathetic and shocked that we behave as well as we do.

  • Pedro

    October 11th, 2022 at 7:10 AM

    Reading through all this comments makes me feel as if i were reviewing pieces of the film of my entire married life (26 to 48 y, the time i get divorced)
    I met my ex wife when we were 19 and 18 (me), we were friends for a couple of years before we fell in love (she did it first). There were only a few kid´s relations for both of us before we fell in love with each other, and we were also the first sexual partners, in both cases.
    For the first two years of marriage or so, we had relations every some fortnight, which was not much, but i didn´t bother, i was ok with that. We had an excelent relationship, we shared several interests, we still had a fair amount of intimacy and cumplicity.
    I loved her deeply, both in spirit as regarding her body, and never thought i would get interested in any other woman…and i thought the same happened with her too.
    However, some more years went by and, especially after our daughter has been born, we began to have relations only some 2 months apart, or even less, once in a blue moon.
    The reasons were, as many of you have mention before, “I am too tired”, “This is not the time”, “I am worried”, “I am upset with something you did (or did not!)”, “You go to bed to lately at night (but when i did it earlier, nothing happened), “I have to get up early”, and so on…
    For the last 12 years of our marriage, we must have had sex some 3 or 4 times…
    She complained about taking most of the domestic chores and then i began to do much more about it, i did all the food shopping, cooking several times a week, or taking her and the child out to dinner.
    I hired (and payed for) a domestic servant two times a week to help her cleaning the house, and i did all the vacuum cleaning at weekends, take care of the dishes, and so one.
    As matter of fact, there was a point when she didn´t have to do nothing in the house, except for taking care of the laundry!
    I payed for the entry of two of her cars… I sometimes took her out to dinner or assisting a show alone with me, giving her some presents i stored in the car glove compartment, as a surprise for her. Some jewelry, one wrist watch, sometimes some flowers, often with dedicated cards, etc
    She complained that i spend too much time at weekends with people from my hometown sports club…so, i left the club, i began to only go there once in every 3 months or so…looking back, that was perhaps one of my biggest mistakes (we will come back to this).
    As she was always depressed, meanwhile we went to live to a new house, in another place, a bigger house in a country hometown, away from the city fuzz. We hoped this would get things better, as it was also a better place for the small child (6y at the time) to attend shool.
    I began to attend with her a music choir two times a week at night, since she loved to go there, saying it did miracles to uplift her mood. For my part, i liked the social environment, but not much the acting, i would favour rehearsals over stage singing!…
    She asked to have another cat (we already had one), later she asked to have a dog, later still, when things were already really harsch, she asked to have another child…
    By this time, intimacy was long gone, even more sex…how on earth were we supposed to have another child?!…
    (The wife of a co-worker of mine also asked her husband to have a cat , then another cat, then another house, some time later another house again, later painting lessons, later a child…and, after obtaining all that, she end up betraying him with some random guy!)
    I was still however fascinated with her body, she worked in one of the main national company enterprises and was usually dressed to the top, tight dresses or slim skirts, panthyhouse and high heels… i was mad of desire sometimes she arrived at our house and went to change clothes in the water closet, the door usually remained half open and i would get inside, begin to hug her from behind, saying she was stunning, etc…
    She would at once turn me off, saying she needed to hurry to get bath in order not to be late to give supper to the child, or another weak excuse…she didn´t even bother giving me a kiss, or saying later she would deal with me, anytihing like that.
    Instead she usually say one of our national sayings “What would the pig would think? About the acorns!…, of course implying i was so primitive about sex, as a pig was for food!…
    She would sometimes tease me by sending, through her cell phone, pictures of her dressed at work, like photos of her legs under the desk, or of her cleavage, etc
    As soon i took the bait and tried to escalate the conversation for a sexual approach, she would say something that worked like a cold shower to me, or just remained absolutely silence, from that point on. At the end of the day, she would act has nothing had happened.
    Other times we went to some parties with friends and she would dress amazing, teasing me all day long…then, by the end of the day at home, she would just say something like “leave me alone, i`m just too tired”…
    As you may guess, that was a huge turn off for me…and she knew it, of course. I began to even try to ignore her, or at least not even look at her when she was dressing sexy, because i knew i would get worse in the end, suffer more, and being humilliated in top of that.
    Besides, some 3 or 4 years before all this happen, i discover she had affairs with at least 3 different men, and that she searched the web about “being frigid”…being frigid with me, that is, not with others, i realize later!…
    At the start of our life together, as a young engineer, my career was meant to shoot at the stars but, instead, i was stuck at public service and my career never took off. I earned more than the average people but way less than, for instance, the 10% wealthy men.
    And, by the time she was 35/40, she realised that, with her looks, she could have almost any man she wanted, perhaps more wealthy than me, or somehow more powerful and rough, like some policeman or military.
    I endure all of this because of the child…and because i still loved her!
    There was a time she must have thought about leaving home and stop doing anything, including taking care of the child.
    I remember being with my daughter for a bedtime reading, not knowing if the following day i would still had a wife, and if she would still had a mother…i remember turning the lights off and some tears running down my face.
    I realize that all those things i did for her in the past (paying for things, attend the choir, leaving the sports club, etc) were only suit for her lost of interest in my manhood, therefore, she began lacking sex desire from me and, instead, she began to resent with me for not to shout and stand up to her enough times.
    What it´s also interesting is that, after the very few times i stood up to her, fighting, shouting, etc, at the end of the day she was wet at the bottom and we had some rough sex (these were the only 3 or 4 times we had relations in those last 12 years of marriage)…she would get aroused once i would get mad at her!
    But that was not in my nature, i don´t like to fight and i don´t like to turn my life into a soap opera!
    I get divorced when i was 48, my daughter was already 19 at the time, so there were no legal issues.
    After that, we did not even speak for 3 months, i would go at our house once a week to deliver goods for my daughter, otherwise she would get starved, because my ex-wife was not able to run a house, she would spent all her money before buying the goods they needed, or paying for the bills, etc
    The curious part is that, after those 3 months, we began exchanging emails about trivial subjects, and i noticed she had regained respect for me (i guess because i did the ultimate challenge and get divorced).
    She then realise i still had desire for her and we arrange to make a small weekend journey, staying at the hotel for the night. I had desire for her but could not deliver, it was the first time it had happened to me.
    We thought maybe it could be just anxiety on my part and we try it again one month later, with the same result…i guess intimacy was not there anymore for me, i wished to have sex with her but i was not able anymore…(so much for the theory of preforming with lack of love on the man´s side!…).
    It is also possible that, at my subconscience, i could not overcome the fact that maybe she would rather prefer to be sexual involved with one of her´s former lovers, instead of me…so, the conclusion was that it was all over for both of us.
    Until today (5 years later), i still don´t know if i became impotent or not, i was not with any woman since.
    Today i am 53 and in a relationship with a woman 5 years older…she made it very clear that she loves me a lot but, at this stage of her life, she does not want sex anymore…anyway, at least, i have what i didn´t have before: A great intimacy and cumplicity, deep mouth kisses, strong hugs, caresses with our hands all over each others bodies, etc.
    As for my sex drive, it also does not bother me anymore at this age as it once did, although i would like to try to have sex with my partner, of course, but it doesn´t bother me much if i don´t.
    Besides, there is also the possibility that i could again fail to preform, so i guess it´s better leave it this way.
    I don´t think there is a mean plan design by women to take advantage of men, i just think it´s only the way they are…they are not wired to live with the same man for many years.
    They crave for constant adventure, excitment, drama, danger, etc, and they hate routine…that´s why lovers will always be a turn on and husbands a turn off.
    Feminists say they are all for gender equality in marriage, and i could not agree more with them, the catch is the lack of space for the traditional family in today´s society.
    There are only two reasons why a woman would stick with a man in the long run:
    – Either she somehow fears him (the fear that he may leave her at any moment is often enough!);
    – Or either she depends on him, in financial terms.
    You may think i did nothing but replicate here the Red Pill and MGTOW theories, but the fact is that this was my true history, my reality…as it was also for all these men who wrote in this commentary box, as it is for millions of men in the western world today.
    I also think women do not have an easy ride on their part as well, they also suffer in the process, and a lot: My ex-wife tried to intoxicate herself with pills a few times, some other times she tooked a knife and hurted herself in the forearms…
    She realised her marriage was falling apart and she felted there was nothing she could do about it, she loved me but was unable to feel desire for me.
    Today, she still lives alone with my daughter…and surrounded by cats and dogs!
    She says she still loves me, but it´s a kind of love i just can´t bear.
    Anyway, if i would be in my 20`s or 30`s, i surelly would have a different life, that´s for sure…think about it if you are in that range!

  • Tom

    October 31st, 2022 at 12:14 AM

    Pedro, you sound like me 10 years down the road. The thing that struck me most about your narrative was “she would get aroused once i would get mad at her!” As a run-of-the-mill engineer, our social standing has taken a big hit over the last 2 to 3 decades. And I am always of the firm belief that the nature of an engineer is incompatible with a bad boy image that women crave. When you get surprised at triggers of sexual arousal, I bet also that is the case for your ex-wife – she would have been equally surprised by her involuntary response. We may imagine that women are in touch with their emotions and their bodies, but that is really up to the individual, even amongst male/female peers!
    There is no redemption in engineering our way out of her every need and complaint. A relationship is not a machine – it requires outliers that you both could have tolerated to keep it going. We have kids too, keep a decent moral lifestyle to anchor the family against societal pressures. Yet some of the things that she was up to, I really do not know her tolerance, but we play along. It will seem routine after a few iterations, but up until physical desire completely leaves the body, it should suffice. After which, I imagine it would be the mental connection that keeps any marriage going (not the subject of this thread).
    I wish you all the best in your new partnership.

  • David

    November 12th, 2022 at 1:34 PM

    This has been a very enlightening thread to read. My partner and I have been together 3 years and the first 2 years were kind of stormy, on again and off again but during most of that time, we had a very exciting sexual connection together, each describing it as the best sex of our lives (we are in early 60s). Now things have settled between us, we both feel thoroughly committed and are getting along and communicating well….and guess what? My partner has lost her desire for sex of any kind. She is normally quite the masturbator and has enjoyed sex and multiple orgasms several times a week…and she says now she is simply exhausted and has very low libido and is not going to worry about it in the near term. In discussing this, we have mutually decided to take sex off the menu for awhile and I am free to take care of my physical needs by masturbating as often as I feel like (which is usually daily) including in bed next to her. We sleep together every night and cuddle and kiss. I am being supportive of her. Meanwhile, I am getting busy with some activities on my own and I am letting her pursue some of her passions. We are spending less time together and not living on top of each other in our home as it has the room to spread out. I am going to be patient. That said, sex and lovemaking are very important parts of relationship to me. If her low libido continues for months on end (we are only a few months into this) then I think I will strongly recommend therapy and perhaps some physical assessment for her. In the meantime, I am focused on being supportive and understanding and looking after my own self-care. Luckily for me I have always enjoyed masturbation and don’t feel the urge to go outside the relationship for sex and my partner supports my choices either way so long as I am honest about what I’m doing. I do long for the excitement of the spontaneous, passionate and incredibly pleasurable sex we had 100s of times….and now poof it’s gone. So, yes this is difficult. but life can be difficult. I am not in a relationship or tolerative a relationship just for sex. I can have sex easily without a relationship. And I am quite sure my partner is not tolerating sex just to have a partner around. We are both fairly independent and would prefer to be on our own than in an unhealthy or dissatisfying relationship. So with that in mind, I have to consider if I am faced with a future where my partner no longer desires sex, will I stay in the relationship? I don’t have an answer to that question because I can’t predict the future but I do know I want us to stay together and will work hard to keep our relationship strong. Good luck to all the couples out there dealing with the so-called “libido mis-match” – it’s a complicated issue and each couple is unique in how it affects them and how they deal with it.

  • Angela

    December 7th, 2022 at 3:15 AM

    This seems to be a problem that affects
    a majority of marriages. The only realistic solution I can see is for couples to have a written marriage contract that has to be renegotiated every 3 years. That way, both parties would have to be clear about what they wanted from the relationship from the start, with no manipulation or mismatched expectations. Three years is long enough to work on any problems in the marriage. If the issue can’t be resolved in that time, the union should be dissolved without penalty to either party. I think it would also be a good idea not to buy property or have kids in the first 3 years. You need that time to really find out whether you can live with the other person. A contract may not be very romantic, but it sure would prevent a lot of problems. Life is short, don’t waste it waiting for someone else to change.

  • Robert

    December 26th, 2022 at 5:21 PM

    I appreciate many of the comments here. We’ve been married 19 years, mostly have had a “Sexless Marriage” by many definitions I’ve read. My wife and I are going through mediation and divorce. Our marriage has been by our own account and friend-observers a “good marriage” and “I’ve you guys can’t figure it out, no couple can..”
    The reality has been written in many of the comments above, and speaks to our existence and the mysteries around people we’re sexually attracted to and find mysterious. Cacilda Jetha and Chris Ryan write a good book called Sex At Dawn, full of anecdotals of coupledom and sexuality from locations around the world. I’ve realized that I can’t change my wife who has gone through menopause and was never really interested in sexual intimacy, and comparing our relationship to those before doesn’t really help. Sure in a past relationship we had great sex twice a day, but I would have concerns raising kids with that woman. I think a major reality that we just refuse to acknowledge is that monogamous relationships just don’t make a lot of sense. Both my wife’s family and my own were very buttoned-down, sexually repressed Catholic families. Of the four siblings my wife is part of, only she has been impregnated and borne children. One of her sibs died at 19, one is an out gay man, and the other is a married-seemingly-gay man, with two adopted girls. To quote him – “We’re like Downton Abbey here…” He is proud to fake a family relationship, essentially married his mother and “Feels sad..” for his cousin who is going through a divorce, yet doesn’t realize his life is a cliche – the married white couple with two adopted kids; sexless, the house is very warm, feels like the Brady Bunch. But like the Brady Bunch, Robert Reid is a gay man, portrayed in a large blended family. My B-in-Law is coincidentally a recently certified Architect/Project Manager.
    This life makes me shake my head. We have sadly moved away from Tribal Life, where many of our needs could be found in the community of our tribe. Now we marry, and own each other. When we get tired, we dissolve.
    Something, huh?? Ask yourself this – “How often every day am I attracted to another, not my significant other?”
    Tens of times??? Sorry folks – some of you wonder/think we’re not animals?
    It’s funny. And it’s okay….
    Best of luck to All.

  • Bill

    December 28th, 2022 at 7:14 PM


  • Bill

    December 28th, 2022 at 7:59 PM

    Just finished reading the entire blog/thread from beginning to end and I am stunned that nowhere else have I found a place that is so explainatory of what I have experienced over the past 49 years. I’m pretty much convinced that the affliction of a “sexless marriage” is a dominent characteristic in most all relationships since the beginning of time. I have little else to offer other than to reinforce most all that I have read here, and, to express my firm conclusion that remaining in a sexless marrage, devoid of want and desire from both partners, is apparently normal in this place and time of history.
    That is a very sad state of affairs indeed.
    Having said that, I believe that there is hope people can meet and mate with a compatiable partner. The percentage of couples in that hoped for category is clearly very limited. I certainly have not, and, I am perplexed by the notion that I have endured all the feelings and situations expressed above without taking action to relieve myself and my wife of all the work we put into changing things for the better. I’m left wondering why I allowed it all to go along for so many years. Yes, there has been some intermittent reinforcement that signalled we could get back on a track tolerable to both of us, but, I think I have known for a long time that nothing was going to change over time.
    I took the easy way out. I bought into the trade off of “family”, death in the presence of “loving others”, and “secutity” with a wife who is terrific absent the sex quotient is more attrative than a satisfactory sex life. Why couldn’t/shouldn’t I have had it all ??
    There is no way to make this better and I’m to old to start over again voluntarily. At least I am not feeling so alone anymore. Thank you all for your contributions.

  • Dan

    January 1st, 2023 at 7:14 PM

    Ah, the sad truths that are written here, for those desperate searchers. Marriage, in a nutshell, goes like this:
    When dating, your woman’s drive will put a porn star to shame. You wonder if you can keep up with her! Sure, you’re not stupid — you realize that it will slow down somewhat in the future. Heck, even 10% might be OK. But you never imagined in your wildest nightmares that it could go to 0%!!

    So here you are, with a family life that you love, beating off like a lonely teenager. Imagine being a POW with your wife as the commandant, or imagine she’s put a timed lock on the refrigerator that opens 3 times a day, but it only contains enough food for you to survive; never enough to be satisfied and happy. Like a POW, you think constantly of that which you have been denied. Meanwhile she strolls around, apparently happy and oblivious to your suffering, which adds further insult. She will think nothing of asking you for your time and energy, but she will not feel obligated to putting in any herself, into the only thing you can’t do for yourself as a man, which is to provide yourself genuine female companionship.

    The man in this situation, which is to say every married man, may encounter a woman at his work, or the gym, or wherever, who gives him vibes that she is into him. Ah, he says! I remember this feeling, feeling like a man, desired by a woman, rather than feeling like a eunuch! But he is sad because he only wants his wife to be the way that she used to be with him. So he resists. Then perhaps one day, he is not in the mood to resist. How many times can one pass a cookie jar? 100 times? 200? A thousand? Besides, he can see from here to his grave without sex that makes him feel wanted, rather than being an unwelcome chore that makes him feel like an ogre.

    So he sleeps with the woman. It was fine, but nothing he couldn’t have done with his wife — in fact all he wanted was his wife.

    From here, there are many paths. Suppose his wife discovers it. Most likely, she will have the nerve to be upset. If they get divorced, her friends will all come around and cluck about how she is such a wonderful person, how could he do something so awful, and on and on. No one ever asks the woman how many years has she been starving him? Five? Ten? Twenty? The man is always the bad guy, though the first betrayal was clearly hers, Mrs. Loss-of-Consortium.

    Woe to those fools who then go on to marry the one they “cheated” with. Have they learned nothing? Yes, it’s wonderful to get blowjobs again…until the day he comes home to find the lock on the refrigerator again! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!! :)

    Sadly, and apologies to any woman reading this, I have come to believe that during puberty, the male brain evolves in ways the female brain never does. Concepts like honor, loyalty, committment — these are male concepts. Men invented marriage. Females simply do what is in their interest. If it serves their security to get married, they will, and after that the goal changes. If two men negotiate on something, we shake hands and move forward with the understanding that neither of us got everything we wanted, and that’s just fine and understood. A woman though has only two states: she got everything she wanted, in which case she is happy, or she didn’t, in which case she says “FINE!” and then engages in passive-aggressive behavior. The bottom line is that women are selfish opportunists. Sometimes even their own children are a means to an end, and the father loves them more. I’ve seen this more times than I can count. True love is an evolved state where you put others before your own interests, and this goes directly against the female wiring.

    This is not to say that they are necessarily deliberately calculating; they may simply be wired this way in the same way that men look at women for favorable genetics, i.e. attractiveness. And now that they are focused on their own careers so as to need less from men, sex is even less useful for them.

    Frankly the most amenable arrangement would be for wives to simply give permission for their husbands to screw around with the understanding that it won’t affect the family. It also seems fairest, given that it’s the one part of the relationship that is a problem — created by the wife — while everything else is to everyone’s liking and benefit. In the (naive) past, I would have been against such a notion, but traditional cultures where having a mistress was considered normal evolved for a very good reason.

    So what are the choices?

    If you have a family and care to keep it together (and you should, for the benefit of the kids), and you’ve tried talking, you’ve tried therapy, then you can try to get past the idea that your wife will ever actually *want* sex and just take the mercy sex if they’re offered. I know, I don’t like those either. Contrary to popular media portrayals, men actually do care if the woman wants them or not. If you think about it, the whole basis of male-oriented porn is exaggerated enthusiasm from the women. Yes, you’re such a stud that she wants your goop all over her face! Ridiculous, but again enthusiasm is most important, not looks or even technique.

    If you can’t do that, then your option is to cheat, and do it well enough not to get caught, though have no illusions that you’re not risking your family life. Your wife won’t be with you, but don’t you dare embarrass her in front of her friends who also don’t be with their husbands!!

    Escorts are probably best because otherwise you may be dealing with a woman who is horny because of trying to rope you in, and you already fell for that once. Also you can’t trust her not to ruin your life and expose everything. If the risk is too great, then resign yourself to beating off, at least until the kids are old enough that you divored because you were caught schtupping some other woman doesn’t scar them.

    If you don’t have kids, what the hell are you still doing with her, you idiot?!? Having kids is the ONLY reason to get married. Otherwise just have girlfriends. They’ll treat you much better.

    There: you have been Red Pilled. Is the answer to be a lonely, bitter bachelor? No, the answer is to have realistic expectations. Get married. Have kids. Enjoy your family. Your relationships with your children will be the most fulfilling of your life. Just expect that your wife will lose interest in sex. Yes, even that little minx who is blowing you more often than you can handle. She will stop.

    This is the advice I give all single men looking to get married, and that all married men will recognize as unvarnished Truth as if given by stone tablet from the hand of God. Good luck, and remember: No one gets out alive. :)

  • Anonymous

    January 25th, 2023 at 12:31 AM

    Every single person on this chat should read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, PH.D. Whether you identify as a man or a woman, it will change your life in this regard.

  • Mark

    March 11th, 2023 at 3:31 AM

    To MIke: First of all: DUDE. Its not gonna get any better. Stop wasting you life posting on this board. You will be 35. Then you will be 40.
    TIme to move on and find someone that wants you in the sack.
    Jane: If you want to live with someone and not have sex, move in with a gay roomate or your brother. I get it that you dont want to be a pincushion, but both partners should have a sex drive that is fairly equal and actually desire each other. If thats not the case, and your hubbie does not turn you on, you need to move on. Becasue you want platonic he wants non platonic thats not gonna mesh.

  • Mary

    March 17th, 2023 at 2:07 PM

    According to marriage counselors, in approximately 40% of marriages it is the wife with the higher libido and who are complaining about not having enough sex. This myth that husbands are always the ones who want sex being married to wives who never “give them sex” is a really boring trope. When it’s the other way around the woman is inevitably called a sex addict, a nymphomaniac, told something must be wrong with her hormones, she must have been sexually abused in her past, etc. Either way there must be something wrong with her. In reality BOTH men and women vary in their sex drives. People are individuals. Having said that, a lot of wives do lose interest only because their husbands think sex revolves around their own pleasure. It has to be about both spouses.

  • Fn,LN

    March 24th, 2023 at 12:13 PM

    @Mike. Damn man! I almost never reply to comments. I am reading this in March 2023 and while scrolling through your comments from way back in 2017, I am like “Oooh no! Big Huge Mistake! Don’t be ‘kind, respectful, and give [her] everything she needs’ Please don’t!” Then the one who was “advising” you was also committing the same mistake.

    You see, deep inside we are primal beings, from primitive primordial times. You see, your girl (and treating her as such rather than as wife is already the first step) reacts very well to your primordial self. She needs you manly. And no, this does not mean violent. It means for you to re-ignite desire; you have to go back to the primitive self.

    And how do you do this?

    First, it is a mentality – that you are the man, a big Gorilla in the jungle. Act like one. Just do it.
    Secondly, lift some weights – this spikes up your testosterone levels.
    3. Don’t bit*h. No more “let us talk stuff.” Instead calculate, strategize and act in ways that shows that you are the man. And this is the toughest part. The reason is that the women have a super fine-tuned bullshit detector that can sense any fragility in your attitude. Lead the way. Treat her like your 7-year-old sister. Say stuff like – “Miss Mike, tomorrow we are going [hiking, fishing, any outdoor activity]”. Do NOT go to vacation together – NOT even a mini vacation. Do NOT go to restaurants. Do NOT go to a night club. The activity should be physical that gives you an innate edge as a man or it should carry the allure of fear like riding a Roller Coaster that gives you the advantage of being more calm – more organised. If she is smart and you say to her, “Miss Mike, tomorrow we are going hiking” she might say something like, “Nope, I have other plans.” If she says this you know that it is game on! You are half way there. Simply answer firmly, “Leave that alone. You will do it later.” If truly her activity cannot be cancelled, give in this way, “…and don’t think that you have gotten off easily. I still need you to get hiked 😊. Next time your excuses won’t convince even a fly 😊”
    4. Don’t be an emotional tampon for her. When she starts her complainings, tell her you “don’t like whiny little kids.” She will blast you with even more emotions and drama to test your resolve. She would say things like “You don’t even care… You are rude… You have changed… blah blah” and even more hard blows that get deep into you like “No wonder we don’t have sex etc”. Don’t take the bait. Stay calm – unreactive, not even slightly moved by her complains. Then later, while holding her hands and pulling her in say, “Shhhh… I like you best when you are quiet.” The effect is to let her know that you are NOT two women living in the house. You are Male – Masculine, she is Female, Feminine and you love it that way.
    5. Don’t hang in the house Monday to Monday. Say something like, “I am meeting the boys today.” If she objects, go meet them anyway. When you come back later, wear a huge grin on your face suggesting that you had a good time. If she asks for details of what you were doing when you were away, dismiss briefly by saying, “Just MALE things.”
    6. I could go on and on but the attitude is what you need to get. The rest will fall in place.

  • Penny

    May 10th, 2023 at 7:00 PM

    Whoah what an eye opener. I am most impressed though by the contributions by men and women who tell it as it is (to them), whilst keeping open minded that we are not all the same and our sexuality, sexual preferences, culture etc all interplay.
    I have been with the same man for 16 years and married for less than half that time. The reason why it works and we have had a semblance of a chance … he is away half the time. When he is home we get fucked up and fuck. In the past few years I’ve come to accept that not only am I a difficult person to live with (abandonment trauma and low self esteem) but I have had him on a pedestal and had to learn (going through heart break actually) that the notions of love and “the one” and dreams of being his true love … are a construct of my imagination.
    He is incredibly good looking, has had A LOT OF EXPERIENCE and he as “it” as I describe it. I’ve learned to do despicably wonderful things with him over the years thanks to porn and now that I am 45 it is a combination of more self awareness as well as the slow chip chip chipping away at my self esteem to realise that I will never truly be the one that stirs his loins. This is where his desire most definitely is fed through looking at perfect young women (porn) and it has been crippling me with jealousy to the point that I have been getting help, dealing with past messed up negative ideas I was fed (I wish I’d not “saved my flower” for just a handful of men) and I am contending with feelings of confusion, loneliness, inadequacy, and fear – thanking my lucky stars we didnt succumb to the pressure of having kids.
    Where to from here? I know deep down that it takes two to tango. Circumstances change. People change. The “bubble” is burst – I am often reminded of the reality that in a way we have been duped. But rather than being a bitch or losing him or feeling fearful of him leaving me, I have been trying to address the things going on within me. CBT. Trying to look at things with fresh perspective. Reminding myself that he has not actually had an affair or given me reason to behave so outrageously at times – he is quite a simple man and quite shallow when it comes to his limited sphere of what is attractive. But rather than feel like I am going nuts and taking less and less care of myself or pushing him away, I hope to turn it around and try to FLIP IT. I am approaching porn for example with a new desire (incredibly uncomfortable because deep down I compare myself to what I have never been nor will ever be!!!!) and working up his sexual desire with the fantasy of another person the focus. He does not fully understand how much I have worked on trying to be cooler, sexier, cruisier and in some respects for such an intelligent and insanely attractive and desirable man who I am in awe of, I am now seeing how utterly predictable he is … “he has not changed and is not doing anything differently to when I met him”.
    I beat myself up and am aware that I am contending with a great deal of shame and repetitive rejection dysphoria (labels which are pretty unsexy to deal with but better late than never) but then I realise that the things that SHIT him up the wall and frustrate him, are thing things he loves too. I am definitely not a complete bore.
    Plus, not only am I up for the challenge – I realise too that I have made progress within learning to love myself albeit this feeling enormously uncomfortable and sad at times. There are silver linings.
    And I know more than anything that my self love at the end of all of it needs to be good enough. And that he is KIND. I do hope that we will always be more than friends but I feel like it is time to come from out of this blanket of naivety that it was unconditional love and I’d feel safe.
    I respect him so much that I suppose I am prepared to at least TRY.
    To be the best version of myself. To be there for him as he is for meb.

    Because deep down I am now capable of being completely honest with myself – the scales are not quite balanced but I think we have made one or two wise decisions and been lucky to communicate thanks to our preference for dabbling in drugs now and then – absolutely recommended and therapeutic particularly MDMA occasionally which is also proving to help people with depression etc.
    I do wish aspects of his thinking matured or that he showed more compassion in certain ways, but then I am reminding myself a number of times daily…. to look within and change those aspects I do not like about myself. I cannot change him.
    But I do love him and believe despite everything that I will always love him.
    The least that I can do in this lifetime is try to take his one true “goal” on board: and this is to be simply happy and kind.
    Perhaps we need to stop hauling each other over the coals for being feminist or misogynist or xxx … xxx.
    Marriage is a construct. Therefore love is a construct.
    We each have a choice.
    This is something I hope to use to my / our advantage more. And hopefully without being filled with bitterness or sadness or whatever. I am not quite there yet but, he is more of an old soul than me and infuriated me when he said, “we should just appreciate the time that we have together, whatever that may be”.
    It is scary. And my dreams and heart at times feel shattered into a thousand tiny teeny pieces.
    But he is right.
    And where there is darkness or – simply CHANGE – there can be light.
    We are free. Free to dream and I just hope to take what I have learned from posts here and just show him a lot more *and myself a lot more GRATUTUDE.

  • Free Spirit

    November 13th, 2023 at 9:32 AM

    The problem here is that “sex” is being idolized and over rated. Of course it’s not going to be the same after 10, 20, 30 years of marriage as it was in the beginning. We should be seeking GOD, not “sex”……fornicating and committing adultery are not options either. Sex is mainly for procreating and not a lifelong obsession (aka idolatry). Sex is over rated.

  • NGA

    November 20th, 2023 at 8:21 PM

    Glad you brought your none existent god into this discussion. Just go about believing in fairy tells and tell yourself that makes up for my lack of sex. All of the raped and abused children and women should be a testament to if there is a god or not.

  • dave

    November 23rd, 2023 at 6:32 PM

    great. Just be sure to tell any man you start dating that you expect sex to be just for procreation. See how that goes.

  • bartelbe2

    February 14th, 2024 at 7:24 PM

    The problem with these sites and the psychological professions in general. Is you say what your suppose to say, what is politically correct, what will please feminists. So you get the usual non-sense about men doing more chores or helping with childcare and suddenly the dead bedroom will spring to life.

    The problem is, women aren’t attracted to men who do the vacuuming, that isn’t what turns women on. Women are turn on by status, by power, by confidence. The biggest turn on for a woman is other women being interested in a man.

    Once you understand that, dead bedrooms in marriages are not a shock. Divorce laws mean women have complete control over their husbands. She can take the house, the kids and help herself to his bank account anytime she wants. Having a whipped powerless man is a huge turn off.

    Equality is noble from a moral point of view but it is a turn off for woman. That is why the usual advice to husbands with dead bedrooms is laughable. They are told to do more housework and look after the kids more, something which is never going to turn any women on.

    The problem for these men is their wives view them as pathetic, human doormats and the advice husbands are given is to be more of a doormat.

Leave a Comment

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.


* Indicates required field.

GoodTherapy uses cookies to personalize content and ads to provide better services for our users and to analyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.