“I don’t know why, but every time I start dating someone new, I lose interest after three or four dates—even if they are really cool.”

“This time of year just makes me miserable. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me drink more just to be able to stand it.”

“I’m so discouraged by these panic attacks. I never know when they’re going to hit. They’re ruining my life.”

“I’m 30 years old, and I haven’t ever seriously dated anyone because of my social anxiety. It just gets in the way, all the time.”

These are a few of the typical complaints I hear when I meet with someone for the first time. These problems all sound pretty different, don’t they? Chances are, however, that they share an underlying process. We can credit Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, for clarifying this process for us. His life’s work synthesizes vast amounts of research, therapy practices, and worldwide cultural traditions with his own original contributions. [fat_widget_right]

Dr. Levine calls this underlying process “over-coupling.” Over-coupling takes place when trauma energy sticks two things together that shouldn’t be. Our brain perceives some stimulus, one that could be innocuous to others, and then has this lightning quick reaction based on its learned history: “If there’s this, there’s also going to be that—and that is really bad, so let’s rev up the fight or flight energy!”

How Over-Coupling Works

Over-coupling involves the parts of the brain known as the limbic system, or our emotional/threat response, and the reptilian brain, which is in charge of body regulation. When these systems perceive a potential threat, they go into a stress response. Trauma can occur when that threat feels overwhelming or bigger than our ability to effectively cope with it, and the energy from that stress response gets stuck in our systems, under the surface. The unconscious layers of the brain and body want to avoid any situation like that ever happening again. So when something feels similar to the big, bad thing that happened in the past, our reptile brains lock into the same threat response as the previous time. This happens whether or not the logical mind is aware of any similarity between the previous and current situations.

That is over-coupling. Like a creaky old suit of armor, it’s meant to protect us, but what it really does is get in our way, preventing us from freely living our lives.

When our limbic, or emotional/threat response, and reptile, or body regulation brains perceive a potential threat, they go into a stress response … The unconscious layers of the brain and body want to avoid any situation like that ever happening again.

Over-Coupling Examples

Let’s explore the above examples with this new awareness of over-coupling.

• In the first example, a new love interest equals a threat. This could be rooted in the emotional damage caused by an old love interest or parent, both of which might cause the body and attachment system to shut down. This dynamic is usually at the core of avoidant attachment.
• Different seasons of the year come with certain environmental cues that remind us of an original difficult period or event in our lives. The angle of the sunlight, the feeling in the air, the temperature, and the way the plants look and smell might all act as subconscious cues. These cues may or may not stir up anxiety or panic; many people simply feel malaise and dread around over-coupled times of the year. Grief anniversaries are one example. Alcohol is one strategy frequently used to turn off these feelings, even if it only works for a brief time. However, as a central nervous system depressant, it can often worsen problems with mood.
• Panic attacks become less of a mystery once these subconscious coupling dynamics are understood. Panic attacks are essentially the body’s emergency alarms going off at the wrong time: “This is not a drill! We’re going to die, right now!” They consist of a lot of flight, or sympathetic nervous system, energy coursing through the system all at once. The body is mobilizing to get out immediately because it thinks it’s going to die. Many people try to repress panic attacks, but this can be like holding a lid on a pot insistent on boiling over. Somatic therapy has developed many alternate ways to work with panic that essentially turn off the figurative stove, allowing the water to cool and settle.
• Social anxiety occurs when the threat response system is convinced, from previous felt experience, that a social environment is going to cause emotional or social harm. This can happen whether or not the current social environment is similar to the one that caused damage. Social anxiety comes with varying levels of conscious acceptance of the message the limbic and reptile brains are sending. When there’s more conscious acceptance of the belief, “I’m no good/not desirable,” it often carries a developmental aspect. Here, the person’s compromised self-esteem may reinforce the over-coupling message. Regardless, the subconscious mind is convinced the social environment is not safe, and it often refuses to deactivate until the person gets away to be alone or with a few trusted others.

Since these conditions usually involve the body’s unconscious trauma energies, which can be tricky and powerful, treatment is best left to someone with specific training in this area. Personally, I will always be grateful for my own continued training in somatic psychotherapy and for Peter’s contributions in the area of coupling dynamics.

In a future article, we will examine under-coupling, which occurs when something feels so overwhelming that the body numbs it out. Under-coupling is even more tricky, as it usually takes place beneath the level of the person’s conscious awareness and shares a special relationship with over-coupling. In the meantime, I invite you to start having compassion for any over-coupling you might notice going on in your own system. As frustrating as it might be, it is trying to protect you!

References:

1. Levine, P. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
2. Practitioner training manual. (2007). Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute/Foundation for Human Enrichment: Boulder, CO: Foundation for Human Enrichment.

For many of us, stress is a fundamental part of life. Perhaps we tend to overextend ourselves with work, social commitments, and our personal lives. Or maybe we never turn off our many devices, which can prevent us from being able to simply relax and enjoy each moment. As a result of this overstimulation, we often end up seeking out ways to self-soothe.

Food can be a source of comfort for many people. And while emotional eating can help us feel good in the moment, it can often have negative effects over time.

How can we know if we have an unhealthy relationship with food? Signs that indicate emotional eating may be having a negative impact can include:

• Craving certain kinds of food. When we eat to comfort ourselves, the types of foods we choose are usually those that are the worst for us. People don’t often reach for nutritious foods like broccoli or spinach when trying to feel better. We are instead usually drawn to greasy, fried foods or sweet treats. These foods may make us feel better at first, but they do not provide us with any real nutritional value. What’s more, if we consistently choose them, we will be more likely to crave them when stressed. This can contribute to an unhealthy cycle.
• Eating more than we should. When we eat for emotional reasons rather than to satisfy our hunger, we are more likely to miss the cues the body gives us when we’re full. Many people try to “fill” an inner sense of emptiness or numb out uncomfortable emotions through mindless eating. But this can frequently lead to overindulgence, as the food never truly fulfills the need we’re trying to meet. [fat_widget_right]
• Weight gain and health issues. Frequent overeating and choosing foods that have little nutritional value can lead to weight gain and medical issues, such as diabetes, high cholesterol levels, and heart problems, among others.
• Yo-yo dieting and/or eating disorders. When people gain weight as a result of eating to self-soothe, they may then be more likely to go diet frequently or skip meals in order to lose weight. Others may start an unhealthy cycle of bingeing and purging in an attempt to avoid putting on weight. Both of these patterns can be extremely harmful to the body.
• Low self-esteem. When we feel unable to cope with stress in ways that support physical and emotional well-being, emotional eating can negatively impact the way we view ourselves and our bodies. This added challenge can make the stress we are trying to cope with even more difficult to effectively address.

You don’t have to change all of your eating habits overnight. It’s often easier to begin by making small changes.

If you believe you might have an unhealthy relationship with food, you may find it helpful to try some of the following techniques:

• Practice mindful eating. Being more aware of our eating habits can help us begin to eat healthier. If we eat in front of the computer or while watching TV or texting, we pay less attention to what we are doing and may end up eating more than we intend. By sitting down at a table and removing all distractions, we can begin to eat more mindfully. By truly tuning in to our bodies, we are better able to notice when we start to feel full.
• Find more effective ways to deal with stress. It may be difficult, if not impossible, to remove all of your stress from your life. But you can help reduce its effects by choosing activities that help decrease stress levels. You might find it helpful to go out for a walk, practice yoga, meditate, or garden, for example. Other options include doing hobbies you enjoy, listening to calming music, spending time in nature, and practicing relaxation exercises.
• Take small steps to start to eat healthier. You don’t have to change all of your eating habits overnight. It’s often easier to begin by making small changes. Try bringing more nutritious snacks to work, cutting back on processed and fast foods, eliminating or reducing your soda intake, and including more fruits and vegetables in your diet.
• Seek help from a trained professional. If you feel as though you are struggling to control your eating habits or if you believe you may be struggling with an eating disorder, you may find it helpful to contact a therapist experienced in working with eating and food issues. The support of a compassionate therapist or counselor can help you take steps to get back on track.

If you believe your relationship with food has become unhealthy or you find yourself struggling to manage your eating habits, you may find some of the suggestions above to be helpful. Exploring them on your own, or with the help of a qualified professional, can be beneficial as you work to develop healthier eating habits.

Making one small change at a time can help you deal with stress in more effective and productive ways, and eating to self-soothe may become less of a habit as a result. Being able to eat better is not only likely to help us feel better physically, but can also lead to improvements in how we feel about ourselves!

Reference:
Smith, M., Segal, J., & Segal, R. (2018). Emotional eating: How to recognize and stop emotional and stress eating. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/diets/emotional-eating.htm

How many of us struggle with weight loss, frustrated when we achieve less than our desired results? Assuming you have ruled out possible medical causes contributing to difficulty with weight loss, some of the most powerful forces that can inhibit weight loss are the barriers that exist in our heads.

That being said, many of the emotional barriers to weight loss are not initially obvious, so it is important to identify common emotional barriers and be honest with yourself about how they might be affecting you. Once you better understand any psychological factors that may be holding you back, you may be better able to tackle them.

Several common emotional barriers are described below.

How We Think About Weight Loss

If we think we’re going to fail, we are more likely to fail. Less-than-successful weight loss attempts in the past can contribute to self-defeating thoughts and/or the belief that we lack willpower. This may create the (false) belief that our destiny is to be stuck where we are now.

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If you don’t believe you can lose the weight you want to lose, it will be extremely hard to do so. Skepticism and self-doubt can easily stand in the way of making lasting, positive lifestyle change.

All-or-nothing thinking

Many people attempting to lose weight focus solely on results, look for immediate progress, and tend to view any setbacks as failures (disproportionate to how others may view the setback in question). Sometimes setbacks experienced may lead people to abandon the healthy changes they are trying to implement. The pattern of thinking often becomes, “If I can’t do this exactly the way I want to do it, what’s the point of doing it at all?”

Not prioritizing the changes we want to make

Many of us are busy and have many things demanding our attention and time. We may be regularly spread in multiple directions. But people who want to lose weight may, as a result of lacking the time or resources to plan nutritious meals, exercise, get enough sleep, and so on end up making choices that do not further this goal.

By sending ourselves the message, however unconscious it may be, that we don’t have time to address weight loss and other health goals, we are making it more challenging to find or set aside time to achieve these things. If we move this item up on our to-do list, we are more likely to remain aware of our desires and goals and less likely to make choices that will sabotage them.

How We Think About Ourselves

Negative body image

Adopting a positive body image is a challenge for many people. Though some may recognize they harbor a negative body image, they may not recognize how this is holding back their weight-loss attempts. Some may attempt to shame themselves into losing weight by repeating negative messages about how they look, but these internalized messages are generally more likely to frustrate a person and disrupt weight-loss attempts even more. Consequently, people then struggle to overcome these negative messages while also attempting to lose weight.

Ourselves vs. others.

You are you. Your body is yours. Someone else’s body or weight-loss journey is their own. It may seem motivating to compare ourselves with others, but all too often this can lead to feelings of failure when we fall short in comparison. What works for one person might not work for another. Recognize that your weight-loss journey is yours alone. Your plan of action is yours alone.

It can also help to keep in mind that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and some desired sizes and shapes may simply be unattainable for certain body types.

Stress and Emotional Health

Life (or daily) stress

It may come as no surprise that, when we are going through a challenging time, the associated stress can affect both our appetite and how we typically respond to stress. Through past experiences, we have learned eating can often  bring comfort. While “emotional eating” and “comfort foods” often do make us feel good, eating in response to emotional cues or even simply out of habit can have the effect of reinforcing the patterns we are trying to overcome. Breaking these patterns can be much harder than we realize.

The goals that are most conducive to success are those that are realistic, specific, and attainable. If we want to see results, it is far better to adapt our ideal goals to fit these parameters than to wish for something that is abstract or unrealistic. By doing so, we are more likely to succeed. 

Mental health status

Similarly, many mental health conditions, depression among them, can affect both appetite and subsequent eating behavior. Depression is also often associated with decreased motivation, decreased self-efficacy, and lack of interest, all of which can negatively impact the ability to achieve goals. While depression (or stress, for that matter) may be associated with weight loss in some individuals, these changes may not be sustained, since they have not been achieved mindfully.

Overcoming Barriers to Weight Loss

Learn how to set goals that work for you.

The goals that are most conducive to success are those that are realistic, specific, and attainable. If we want to see results, it is far better to adapt our ideal goals to fit these parameters than to wish for something that is abstract or unrealistic. By doing so, we are more likely to succeed.

Make yourself accountable.

After you make a commitment to yourself, share your plan with someone else. Articulating a plan to others can reinforce the level of commitment to the plan while also introducing social motivators. Setting reminders with digital technology or hanging up a motivating sign at home or in the office can also help us keep our goals in mind.

Modify your thinking.

Pay attention to the messages you’re telling yourself, honing in on any negative or unproductive thoughts. Then consciously challenge these thoughts, replacing them with messages that reflect greater self-compassion. This is important to do in so any realm of personal thought, but particularly around weight management and body image. Our behaviors play a large role in weight loss, and our thinking really does help drive our behavior.

Learn to regularly manage stress.

Ideally, stress management techniques will be a part of your daily routine. Developing healthy coping responses to stress can be helpful for many reasons, reducing emotional eating among them. Prioritizing regular self-care can be one way to help manage stress.

Educate yourself about weight loss.

Many of us want to lose weight. When we struggle, when our attempts fail, or when we gain back weight we have lost, we may wonder what we are doing wrong. But knowledge is power, and making a plan based on misleading information is likely to inhibit progress.

Weight loss does not have to cost a lot of money, nor does it require a gym membership. There is a lot of data that supports the type of approaches that can be effective—and those that are often less effective. Trending diets, expensive meal plans, and other fads may seem to yield results for others, and they may indeed yield results for anyone at first, but they are less likely to lead to lasting behavioral change.

Seek outside support.

There is help out there. An entire industry, in fact. A variety of professionals can help you meet your weight-loss goals, not just for the immediate future, but for the long term. Many of these professionals also have a solid understanding of the role that emotions can play in weight management and/ or obesity. Finding a professional you enjoy working with, and/or a program or group you enjoy participating in, can make all the difference to your goals.

Talk it out.

If you struggle to lose weight, consider speaking to a therapist about any emotional causes that may be contributing to these challenges. Many therapists or other trained professionals can help provide support and education to help identify and explore barriers that may be holding you back.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I feel so strung out lately. I definitely consider myself a people-pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to make sure friends, family, and coworkers are happy, even if it leaves me feeling drained and dissatisfied.

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This problem is probably best exemplified by my difficulty saying no. Whether I’m being asked to help someone or getting invited to lunch, I don’t know how to decline without feeling terrible about myself. I want to be a good friend, and part of being a good friend is being there for people. It just leaves me ragged sometimes because, as an introvert, I need a good amount of time alone to recharge. I’m rarely able to do that. So I’m stressed a lot and just have the sense that time is flying by. I don’t feel grounded and at peace, and I think it all comes down to not attending to my own needs.

Do you deal with this a lot in your practice? What do you tell people who have a hard time saying no to others? Some practical suggestions for how to say no respectfully would be helpful as well. Thank you. —Yes Woman

Dear Yes Woman,

It sounds like you are exhausted in every conceivable way—it must be a difficult way to live your life. You are consistently putting everyone else before yourself, to your own detriment. One place to start tackling this issue is with a thorough exploration of it and its meaning to you. For example, what would it mean to you to say no? Are you concerned about what others would think, or not think, about you? How would this impact your relationships? How might it change how you view yourself? Partnering with a therapist to answer these questions could be quite helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the beliefs and feelings you have around this pattern of behavior.

With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I wonder if engaging in such a process would lead you to the realization that being there for people is part of how you identify yourself. If this bears out, it seems possible that disappointing anyone feels so unthinkable because it effectively serves as a threat to your identity. If you view yourself as a “go-to” kind of person who always “comes through” for others, the simple act of saying no might challenge how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. If so, a therapist could be helpful to you in uncovering other aspects of your identity and shifting your focus to developing those areas. With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I also want to be respectful of your request for some practical suggestions for saying no respectfully. You mention that even saying no to a lunch invitation is difficult for you. What if, instead of answering either yes or no, you allowed yourself to say something like, “Well, I can’t do it today, but how about next week?” As for requests that are less social and more about helping someone else, you can still try to schedule those things in a way that doesn’t feel overly burdensome for you. Sometimes, all the creative scheduling in the world won’t work and you may just have to say no. Even in these cases, you can still offer help through brainstorming about how else to address the issue and express your sincere regret that you aren’t able to help this time.

Regardless of whether you choose to try some ideas for saying no or dive in to an exploration of the larger issues, you deserve to learn how to prioritize yourself and your needs. I hope you are able to find some ways to give yourself this gift.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

All of us experience periods of ups and downs, which tend to be compounded by the demands of modern living. Stress has become the norm rather than the exception for many of us, and its long-term effects can be detrimental to our physical and mental health. Finding ways to manage stress more effectively is important in order to avoid becoming overly anxious, depressed, or contracting a physical ailment.

Meditation has been shown to hold significant potential in helping to reduce stress and increase a person’s sense of equanimity and well-being. Meditating on a regular basis can be advantageous for beginners and long-term practitioners alike. Regular practice is important, however, to maximize the benefits.

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Anyone can meditate. Pick a spot where you can be undisturbed for a predetermined amount of time and turn off your phone. If you have never meditated, start with just 10 minutes a day; later, you can gradually increase your time to 20 or 30 minutes, if you like. Consistency is key, so try to find a time that will work for you every day.

Many people like to start off the day by meditating. As meditation tends to have a grounding effect and helps to calm the mind, it can set the tone for the whole day when practiced first thing in the morning. If the evening works better, however, this can be a great way to unwind after a long day at work.

A few tips for meditating:

Meditation is a great tool to help us to deal more effectively with the pressures we face in a fast-paced world. If you remain open to its possibilities, practicing on a regular basis can lead to a healthier and happier life.

• Get in a comfortable seated position. You can sit in a straight-backed chair or on a cushion on the floor. If sitting on a chair, keep your back straight and both feet flat on the floor. If you opt to sit on a cushion on the floor, sit with your back straight and legs crossed or adopt a lotus or half-lotus position (if either is comfortable for you).
• Focus on your breath. Bring your awareness to the air entering your nostrils and going into your lungs during the inhale, then on the air emptying from your lungs and going out of your nostrils during the exhale. Counting each inhale can help you to stay more focused. Try counting until you reach 10, then start over. If you find your mind has wandered, bring your awareness back to the breath and start counting again.
• Allow your thoughts to come and go. Try to avoid getting caught up in your “normal” thinking process. Imagine that your mind is like the clear blue sky and your thoughts are clouds crossing overhead. As you become more accustomed to doing this, you may find yourself getting less attached to your thoughts and the story line you usually associate with your notion of who you are.

Some of the many benefits associated with meditating on a regular basis include:

• Stress reduction
• Increased ability to concentrate
• Increased self-esteem
• Greater self-acceptance
• Increased happiness and peace of mind
• Reduced levels of depression and anxiety
• Lower blood pressure
• Increased self-awareness
• Stronger immune system
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Better sleep

Meditation is a great tool to help us to deal more effectively with the pressures we face in a fast-paced world. If you remain open to its possibilities, practicing on a regular basis can lead to a healthier and happier life. For guidance in setting up a meditation practice, reach out to a therapist who is experienced with mindfulness techniques.

Reference:

Meditation: In depth. (2017, September 7). Retrieved from https://nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm

With greater access to treatment, more people find they can take on the monumental venture of earning a degree. Yet once they are in school, their risk of mental health problems increases. Graduate students in particular may struggle to manage school, finances, and self-care. The combined stress can be devastating to mental well-being.

The American Psychological Association says the need for mental health care on campuses is increasing. A 2015-2016 report from the Center for Collegiate Mental Health surveyed college counseling centers across America. The report showed an increase in student hospitalization, medication use, and suicide. More than 55% of the centers saw increases in salary budgets to meet demands for care. But some clinics still face challenges in meeting students’ needs. They may have limited hours of service or high costs of care.

Meanwhile, almost a third of PhD candidates may be at risk for mental health concerns. Around 34% of graduate students may already experience moderate to severe depression.

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Researchers continue to study the specific differences between undergraduate and graduate students’ health. Further surveys may determine how to improve psychological care for each population. The goal is to promote mental well-being in colleges and universities.

Risk Factors for Mental Health Concerns in Grad School

Some populations are more at risk of developing mental health concerns. As the population of graduate students grows more diverse, so do mental health needs. Minority and international students may need help with multicultural issues. LGBTQ+ students can also face discrimination.

These populations can benefit from seeking mental health treatment on campus. Yet not all students may feel represented at their school’s counseling center. Around 71% of counseling center staff members are white. The number of openly LGBTQ+ counselors is limited. Counseling centers could better serve minority students by hiring more diverse staff.

Another risk factor is academic performance. Students who feel they are behind in their classes are more likely to report stress and anxiety. The Graduate Assembly of University of California, Berkeley rates academic performance as one of the top three predictors of depression in graduate students.

Yet catching up may be easier said than done. Many graduate students have responsibilities outside school such as childcare or employment. In a 2014 survey, graduate students cited job outlook, financial stress, loneliness, and alienation from mentors as contributing factors to depression and negative well-being.

Graduate students can help improve mental health outcomes by learning what signs to watch for. Any of the following symptoms may indicate a larger mental health concern:

• Irritability
• Sleeplessness
• Panic attacks
• A dependence on drugs or alcohol
• Inability to complete daily tasks
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Suicidal thoughts

How Grad Students Can Use Counseling Centers

Psychological care addresses diagnoses that affect students as well as the general population. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy can help individuals cope with anger or anxiety. Acceptance and commitment therapy can help busy students focus on their priorities.

Graduate students are a population with unique mental health needs.

Counseling centers can also introduce students to alternative treatments to complement traditional therapies. Some therapists might assign internet-based worksheets to help reprogram harmful thoughts. Others may direct students to mindfulness practices like yoga.

Treatment can be especially helpful for students whose diagnoses impact learning. When a survey asked students if campus counseling services helped with their academic performance, over 70% answered positively. These results suggest counseling can help both mental health concerns and academic issues.

Preventing Mental Health Issues During Grad School

Self-care practices like sleep and exercise can promote more positive mental health outcomes. Students who limit their schedules and have a social life have less risk for burnout. Experts encourage students to find a therapist before their symptoms become overwhelming.

There are several ways graduate schools can reduce students’ risks of mental health concerns. Schools can accommodate students’ schedules, aid their career preparations, and improve campus mental health care. Schools can also help by educating students about time management and self-care. Close mentorship is also linked to improved mental health and academic outcomes. Academic advisors are particularly helpful for international students.

Graduate students are a population with unique mental health needs. If schools improve their campus mental health care, they can not only lower the rate of mental health concerns, but also promote academic success. Mental health care on campus can improve all aspects of graduate student life.

Lifelines and Further Resources

• Jed Foundation is an advocacy group for teen and young adult mental health. Students can find information about their legal rights related to mental health.
• The National Grad Crisis Line provides suicide prevention services specifically for graduate students. Individuals can reach the hotline by calling 1-877-GRAD-HLP (1-877-472-3457). People studying abroad can access the hotline through a Skype number.
• ULifeline.org is a service of the Jed Foundation. It offers self-assessment tools to evaluate mental wellness and suitability for counseling. There are also resources for those who need immediate help.
• American Psychological Association has an online section of articles especially for graduate students. Helpful pages include self-care tips and advice for seeking mentorship.

Resources:

1. Barry, K. M., Woods, M., Warnecke, E., Stirling, C., & Martin, A. (2018, January 19). Psychological health of doctoral candidates, study-related challenges and perceived performance. Higher Education Research & Development, 1-16. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07294360.2018.1425979?journalCode=cher20
2. Bershad, C., Reetz, D. R., LeViness, P., & Whitlock, M. (2016). The Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors annual survey. Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors. Retrieved from https://taucccd.memberclicks.net/assets/documents/aucccd%202016%20monograph%20-%20public.pdf
3. Butler, A. C., Chapman, J. E., Forman, E. M., & Beck, A. T. (2006). The empirical status of cognitive-behavioral therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Clinical Psychology Review, 26(1), 17-31. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735805001005
4. Campus Mental Health. (n.d.). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/advocacy/higher-education/mental-health/index.aspx
5. Dyrbye, L. N., Thomas, M. R., & Shanafelt, T. D. (2006). Systematic review of depression, anxiety, and other indicators of psychological distress among U.S. and Canadian medical students. Academic Medicine, 81(4), 354-373. Retrieved from https://journals.lww.com/academicmedicine/Abstract/2006/04000/Systematic_Review_of_Depression,_Anxiety,_and.9.aspx
6. Eisenberg, D., Downs, M. F., Golberstein, E., & Zivin, K. (2009, May 19). Stigma and help seeking for mental health among college students. Medical Care Research and Review, 66(5), 522-541. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1077558709335173
7. Graduate Student Happiness and Well-Being Report. (2014). Graduate Assembly of University of California, Berkeley. Retrieved from http://ga.berkeley.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/wellbeingreport_2014.pdf
8. Grappling with graduate student mental health and suicide. (2017, August 7). Chemical and Engineering News. Retrieved from https://cen.acs.org/articles/95/i32/Grappling-graduate-student-mental-health.html
9. Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169-183. Retrieved from http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-05835-004
10. Hyun, J., Quinn, B., Madon, T., & Lustig, S. (2007). Mental health need, awareness, and use of counseling services among international graduate students. Journal of American College Health, 56(2), 109-118. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3200/jach.56.2.109-118
11. Ickes, M. J., Brown, J., Reeves, B., & Martin, P. D. (2015). Differences between undergraduate and graduate students in stress and coping strategies. Californian Journal of Health Promotion, 13(1), 13-25. Retrieved from http://www.cjhp.org/volume13Issue1_2015/documents/13-25_Formatted_Ickes_CJHP2015_Issue1.pdf
12. Karyotaki, E., Riper, H., Twisk, J., Hoogendoorn, A., Kleiboer, A., Mira, A., … & Andersson, G. (2017). Efficacy of self-guided internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy in the treatment of depressive symptoms: A meta-analysis of individual participant data. JAMA Psychiatry, 74(4), 351-359. Retrieved from https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2604310?redirect=true
13. Levecque, K., Anseel, F., De Beuckelaer, A., Van der Heyden, J., & Gisle, L. (2017). Work organization and mental health problems in PhD students. Research Policy, 46(4), 868-879. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0048733317300422?via%3Dihub
14. More and more students need mental health services. But colleges struggle to keep up. (2017, May 4). USA Today. Retrieved from http://college.usatoday.com/2017/05/04/more-and-more-students-need-mental-health-services-but-colleges-struggle-to-keep-up
15. Why do so many graduate students quit? (2016, July 6). The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/07/why-do-so-many-graduate-students-quit/490094

In our fast-paced society, leisure often gets a bad rap. Working long hours and being productive is glorified, regardless of the quality of work. Although self-care, too, is a fairly new buzzword, too often it is something that is squeezed into busy schedules to try to counteract the long hours of work and increased stress that are pervasive in contemporary society. We may rise early to go to the gym or take a yoga class on lunch break during a typical workday. While there are benefits to squeezing in self-care, it can also contribute to the busyness of life when forced into one’s calendar.

When someone seeks to slow down, place boundaries around their work, or even take a more leisurely pace during the workday, they may be labeled as “slow,” “lazy,” or “unproductive.” It is valuable to have a good work ethic, but a work ethic is often confused with working ourselves to the point of doing psychological and physical damage. In truth, the hours of work and levels of stress people are encouraged to carry in contemporary society are contributing to what may become a physical and mental health crisis.

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The High Costs of Working Too Much

Working too much has consequences for oneself, one’s family, and one’s work (Alarcon, 2011). It can lead to anxiety, depression, irritability, family conflict, difficulty concentrating, and decreased productivity, among other challenges. In addition to the psychological difficulties, burnout has been connected with physical health issues, including an increased risk of cardiovascular problems (Toppinen-Tanner, Ahola, Koskinen, & Väänänen, 2009). This is not a small price.

The Benefits of Leisure

Leisure, on the other hand, has many benefits. Besides enjoyment, the most obvious benefit is that leisure allows our bodies to recover from the stress and activity of daily life. Leisure also provides time to reflect and think through what is happening in our lives. In my therapy practice, I find people often make comments such as, “I have not had time to think about it” or “I have wanted to find time to consider that.” Many people’s lives have become so busy that they do not have time to think about their life!

A slower pace allows for people to consider ideas and decisions more thoughtfully. It allows for creativity, including discovering creative solutions to one’s challenges.

Berg and Seeber (2016) maintain there are many benefits to attaining a slower pace in life. Although they write primarily about professors and academics, many of their ideas are relevant for those outside of university settings. A slower pace allows for people to consider ideas and decisions more thoughtfully. It allows for creativity, including discovering creative solutions to one’s challenges. It allows for people to find meaning in what is occurring in their life. Finally, it allows people to be more intentional in the choices they make.

Individuals who do not take time to think through their life often feel disconnected from themselves and those around them. This, in part, is because there is not time to make meaning from their lives. Irvin Yalom (1980) notes that people are meaning-seeking creatures by nature. In other words, we have a basic need to find meaning and to make sense of our lives. Leisure and reflection are essential to finding and engaging meaning.

Conclusion

It often is not easy to choose a more leisurely pace in life. For many, employers are requiring longer hours and justifying this as a necessity. Others need to work longer hours or more than one job to meet financial obligations. In these cases, it may be necessary to utilize self-care strategies, including making the most of the leisure time that is available. However, for others, busyness is a lifestyle choice that has become a habit or even an addiction. Many people have become so used to working that they experience anxiety or guilt when they slow down, which often is part of an addictive pattern. Even children and teenagers are often thrust into a schedule that allows for little time to rest. They need to be taught the value of including and embracing some slower periods in life.

The needed change is not just a personal one, but a social one. The costs of living an overly busy lifestyle need to be recognized alongside the benefits of cultivating periods of rest. We need to change the script about leisure as lazy or unproductive and, instead, recognize its value.

References:

1. Alarcon, G. M. (2011). A meta-analysis of burnout with job demands, resources, and attitudes. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 79, 549-562.
2. Berg, M., & Seeber, B. K., (2016). The slow professor: Challenging the culture of speed in the academy. Toronto, Canada: University of Toronto Press.
3. Toppinen-Tanner, S., Ahola, K., Koskinen, A., & Väänänen, A. (2009). Burnout predicts hospitalization for mental and cardiovascular disorders: 10-year prospective results from industrial sector. Stress and Health, 25, 287-296.
4. Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Many of us linger on the things we wish we could do better, more frequently, or at all. Sometimes, we find ourselves feeling “stuck” and unable to move forward—or in any direction. Delving into what keeps us in this state, paradoxically, feels like it may only fan the flames. When this occurs, we might notice we are frightened, nervous, anxious, or confused. More often than not, there is a sense of overwhelm in this condition. The overwhelming feelings then cause us to feel even more paralyzed and we find ourselves more and more rooted in the sense of inability to take action toward the things we look to build in our lives.

This process raises the question: How do we stop procrastinating? Each of us may have experienced an occasional bout of discomfort with intermittent procrastination, yet some find themselves continuously battling the cycle of overwhelm and procrastination with most of their goals and deadlines. With repetition, not only can this become exhausting, but it can feel almost threatening to strive for goals as well as take on projects—even if they are required of us.

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An important thing to keep in mind is procrastination is representative of a bigger underlying factor. In order to address procrastination, it becomes imperative to look at the underlying issue. Often, feeling overwhelmed presents as procrastination. In other words, if we are feeling engulfed by what might be required of us, it may feel impossible to take any action toward those tasks. To facilitate circumventing procrastination, we need strategies for keeping overwhelm at bay.

One reason we may feel overwhelmed by our tasks and goals may be that we are intimidated by carrying out the task or what it might entail. We may find ourselves thinking the task is too complex or that the stakes are too high. This can lead us into a numbed state or hiding from the activity. At times, we might even find ourselves fixated on it, even becoming irritable, and yet unable to take any action. From this point, as the deadline approaches, we may find ourselves becoming even more and more rooted in fear, overwhelm, anxiety, and inaction.

The antidote is to break the task down into much smaller chunks. As we become overwhelmed, it can become more and more difficult to take notice of the smaller pieces of a task or activity. Overwhelm tends to come from stacking too many parts of the same task together. It can be invaluable to break tasks down to the point of noticing the obvious things you can do that are in front of you. Making use of coping skills and mindfulness tools can help us find an aspect of the task to break down in this way. In doing so, we begin to tip the mind-set scale away from the shut-down and paralyzed state that the overwhelmed feelings brought on. Furthermore, we begin to show ourselves that we can make progress—even if we are not quite done, we have started.

Feelings of overwhelm can lead to a state of paralysis. This, in turn, can compound the stress and anxiety we might experience in response to challenging tasks.

This leads us to an additional strategy for overcoming overwhelming, paralyzing feelings: getting started in the smallest increments possible. We often find ourselves believing we must devote big blocks of time to effectively complete our tasks. Yet, this approach can preclude us getting started and increase our anxiety, stress, and sense of feeling overwhelmed. Getting started with a restricted 5-minute block of time can allow us to begin making a dent in the task in a less pressured way, allowing us to even perform better than we otherwise might have.

Another consideration as we navigate our tasks when we are overwhelmed is where to start. Many of us convince ourselves that we must start with the first step. Yet, this first step may feel elusive to us or perhaps we are just unsure of what it is or how to do it. It may help to start with aspects of the task we do know how to accomplish. As a result, we find ourselves having begun, which alleviates some of the pressure, stress, anxiety, and difficult feelings. At the same time, we begin to see progress and our confidence in our ability to keep moving forward may increase.

In the same vein, if we find ourselves making mistakes along the way, it can be helpful to keep moving forward and correct our mistakes as quickly as possible. Doing so begins to train our mind that forward movement and correction are the way we respond to errors rather than with defeated inaction. Hence, we come away with a mentality that mistakes are not what ultimately matter, but rather, our reaction to the mistakes.

Conclusion

In sum, feelings of overwhelm can lead to a state of paralysis. This, in turn, can compound the stress and anxiety we might experience in response to challenging tasks. With this in mind, we can take steps to ensure overwhelmed states are mitigated so we can continue to build on what we value in our lives.

If you need help managing stress and overwhelm, consider working with a therapist who can teach you the skills you need to stop procrastinating and start moving forward.

Being a 20-something (an age group making up part of the “millennial” category) in today’s society can, at times, contribute to high levels of stress and anxiety. Many of the young people I provide therapy to often speak of a combined sense of unease and anticipation about this period of life. If the couch in my office could speak, in fact, it would say likely say the majority of 20-somethings I work with express feeling as though they are “in limbo.”

Society tends to place high expectations on young adults. Twenty-somethings are expected to finish college and begin navigating their way through a decade filled with goals and deadlines. At times, it may seem as if a new project or life transition appears almost monthly, and people in their 20s must frequently make decisions likely to have a long-lasting impact on life—select an academic major, make decisions about post-graduate education and which school to attend, find a path to a career, find a partner, find a home, settle down, and potentially have children.

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As choices made in this stage of life may impact later life, with certain decisions potentially yielding great rewards in the future, the fear of making the wrong decision may increase a person’s sense of anxiety. Living in an era characterized by heavy use of social media may also affect anxiety levels for many individuals. The evolution of bloggers and world travelers who make money while appearing to have fun may contribute to a sense of false hope for many in their twenties. Social media status updates and photos further invite comparison, which often contributes to confusion and discontent.

The Challenges of Living at Home

The sense of being in limbo may be highlighted for some young adults who continue to live at home. Living at home can have its benefits, such as saving money. But living at home as a young adult can also increase anxiety and stress levels, decrease self-esteem, and decrease one’s sense of autonomy. It may also invite a sense of confusion regarding one’s status as an adult.

As choices made in this stage of life may impact later life, with certain decisions potentially yielding great rewards in the future, the fear of making the wrong decision may increase a person’s sense of anxiety.

“I’m not sure if I’m a kid or an adult at this point,” many of the young people I work with report. While they may be legal adults, those who live at home often find the line between respecting one’s parents and honoring one’s sense of freedom to be somewhat blurred. House or family rules may be in effect, and at times these rules may conflict with what a young person feels to be the privileges of adulthood, leading some individuals to clash with their parents.

Another frustrating aspect of living at home may be changes in the expectations young adults have of their parents. Young adults may need their parents to take on the role of a mentor, looking for them to provide guidance more than anything else. Finding the right balance can be challenging for young adults and their parents alike.

Uncertain Independence

Many assume, based on patterns from decades past, a typical 20-something to be someone who has moved out of their parents’ house and is actively practicing independence. In today’s economy, however, it is often challenging, if not outright difficult, for many young adults to move out and start life on their own. Thus, the meaning of the term “independence” has drastically changed over the years, and the concept of “launching children” out of the nest can not only add to parental stress and anxiety levels, but is also likely to increase anxiety among people in their 20s.

Both parents and their adult children may feel, for different reasons, as if they have “failed” for not being able to live up to social norms. Comparison and confusion are two aspects that may particularly affect the new relationship between parent and adult child, especially when parents have clear ideas of their own on what their adult child should and should not do with their life.

Social media has had a powerful impact on this new generation, in part by giving people new ideas for making money. Many young adults follow, or at least know of, people who are able to make money from social media posts—by posting pictures on Instagram, for example. The generational gap between parents and their adult children becomes more visible when young adults attempt to discuss future plans, particularly by introducing more modern ideas of making money or establishing a career. Comparison almost always enters the conversation, with parents tending to defend a more traditional career path, and confusion often joins as adult children attempt to illustrate the merits of their ideas. Conflict may be the result as parents and adult children attempt to see—or find difficult to understand—the perspective of the other.

Often, young adults report an increased sense of sadness and anxiety after discussing their plans for the future with their parents. These feelings may lead some to avoid talking about their goals with their parents altogether. Parents, for their part, often share a sense of increased fear and frustration as they try to understand the future goals of their children.

These conversations, and the “greyness,” or fear and uncertainty, characterizing them, bring many families and/or young adults to therapy. There is great discomfort in sitting in the grey without a definite answer as to which career path may be in one’s best interest, or in the best interest of one’s child.

Reducing Anxiety and Stress

Young adults who are finding certain aspects of life, independence, or a lack of independence or future prospects to be daunting or are otherwise having difficulty navigating the road of their 20s may find the following tips to be helpful:

• Meet yourself where you are emotionally. Get to know yourself by spending quality time with yourself. Journaling, sketching (or other forms of artistic expression), and meditation are simple ways to reflect on thoughts and feelings. In general, the more you learn about yourself, the easier the decision-making process will be.
• Recognize your 20s will likely be filled with challenges. It is perfectly all right (and normal) to feel overwhelmed from time to time, or confused about your path and sense of direction. Imagine you are building a house and these years are the foundation of the house.
• Be kind to yourself. Have faith in your ability to navigate challenges and find the path that’s right for you. Move at your own pace, and try not to worry about being “left behind.”
• Understand you do not have to figure everything out in one day. Everyone is on a different path, and comparing yourself to your peers will not leave you in a healthy headspace. Some people make decisions more easily than others. If you’re faced with a decision you are finding particularly difficult, try creating a list of pros and cons. This strategy might be especially helpful when picking an academic major or deciding which school to attend.
• Remind yourself that setbacks are only temporary and will pass in time. Say you had to move back in with your parents for a few months or a year. Instead of looking at this as a failure, try practicing gratitude and focusing on the positives of returning home. Develop a plan (with a schedule) to move out, and start making progress on this plan by saving money.
• Be mindful of your intentions. The rewards of this era of life are often delayed, which can make it easy to be impulsive at times. Before you make a decision, try asking yourself how it might impact you five or 10 years in the future.
• Develop a support network. Reach out to peers and anyone else who can offer you support during times of stress. Be a friend to others who seek your support.
• Welcome advice from those who you respect. You do not have to take all—or any—of the advice you are given, but you can always listen, holding on to what you identify with and letting go of what you do not agree with.

These tips are just a starting place. If you find yourself struggling, consider seeking out a trained therapist or counselor to help you address and explore any challenges your 20s may have brought.

References: 

1. Horowitz, E. (2017, February 23). Millenials may never get out of their parents’ homes. The Boston Globe. Retrieved from https://www.bostonglobe.com/business/2017/02/23/millennials-may-never-get-out-their-parents-homes/vSFNGdn4hjwu5bsMTnu0yK/story.html
2. Rattner, S. (2015, July 31). We’re making life too hard for millennials. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/opinion/sunday/were-making-life-too-hard-for-millennials.html

In the wake of terror attacks and acts of violence around the world—such as the white supremacy demonstrations in Charlottesville, Virginia, that led a man to plough a vehicle into a crowd of counter-protesters, killing a woman—many parents may be unsure how to talk to their children about the news.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers parents several tips. The discussion, the organization says, should begin by asking children what they already know. Parents should offer encouragement and reassurance, maintain a consistent routine, and shield young children from graphic images of violence. They should also monitor children for signs of depression and trauma, such as sleep, behavioral issues, and changes in eating habits.

Many want to talk with their children about race in a way that raises a child’s consciousness without being frightening. Most experts emphasize the need to be honest in an age-appropriate way. Parents must also explore their own feelings about race and racism before attempting to educate their children. Like other challenging conversations, ignoring the issue won’t make it go away. Rather than having one conversation, parents should begin as early as possible, have frequent discussions, and maintain open lines of communication.

The Psychology of the Eclipse: ‘You Just Feel Connected With Everybody’

[fat_widget_right]As excitement about Monday’s solar eclipse increases, some mental health experts say the eclipse can foster a connection. Experiencing something out of the ordinary can break down the usual barriers to connection, fostering a sense of unity and closeness—even with strangers.

Some Companies Want You to Take a Mental Health Day

A mental health day can be as important for good health and job satisfaction as sick leave. Yet, many workers are reluctant to tell their managers they need one. Some companies now encourage employees to take mental health days, citing increases in productivity and job satisfaction among employees with good mental health.

What’s Worse Than Being Unemployed? A Bad Job, Say Researchers

Many workers think long-term unemployment is the most stressful job experience they can have. According to new research, however, staying in a bad job might be worse. Researchers followed people who were unemployed during 2009 and 2010. Those who took “poor quality work” had higher stress levels than those who remained jobless.

Rand Study Recommends Improvements to Mental Health Care for Service Members

A new Rand Corporation study suggests lack of access to quality mental health care remains an issue for current and former soldiers. The study, which surveyed 520 providers, found less than half were able to see people with depression or posttraumatic stress (PTSD) weekly. Instead, they saw these people biweekly or less. This suggests soldiers may not get the consistent care they need to see improvements in mental health.

How White Supremacists Use Victimhood to Recruit

Research on white supremacist groups suggest their members see themselves—not the minority groups they target—as the real victims. They believe white people are the real targets for systemic oppression. In other words, they are prevented from expressing their “white pride,” their victimization erodes self-esteem, and the ongoing victimization of white groups is part of a plan to eliminate the white “race.”

Now, Manage Your Mental Health and Chronic Conditions With an App

A new smartphone app promises to help middle-age and older adults manage their physical and mental health. The app, which is designed to meet the average technical abilities of older adults, involves three months of training in 10 sessions. The sessions cover health topics such as stress, medication and substance abuse, and the role of mental health in physical health.

Fidget spinners, toys that allow people to quietly fidget by spinning a device, are surging in popularity. Many companies market these toys as relievers for stress and anxiety. They hold the 16 top spots in Amazon’s toy rankings. Together with fidget cubes, the toys occupy more than 40 of the top 50 spots.

As with many toy trends, some adults have responded with frustration, derision, and even paranoia. A false story recently circulating on Facebook claimed fidget spinners could disrupt Earth’s center of gravity.

Proponents of the toy say it could help people with attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), autism, or anxiety by offering a focused outlet for their energy. Some schools even allow students to use fidget spinners to help them concentrate. Experts, however, note a lack of research on any link between fidget spinners and ADHD symptoms. Rather than assuming the toys will work for alleviating symptoms of ADHD, experts recommend that parents seek research-backed treatment options.

Experts also say there is no reason to worry that fidget spinners are harmful. There’s little evidence that any single toy changes behavior or cultural beliefs.

Dual Gait Testing as Early Predictor of Dementia

[fat_widget_right]Observing a person’s gait while they perform a cognitively taxing task can provide early evidence of dementia. The process, known as dual gait testing, may predict dementia in people with memory issues. According to the study, people with mild cognitive impairment whose motion slows down by about 20% while performing the cognitive task may be at an increased risk of developing dementia.

Why You Should Quit Chasing Happiness and Pursue Meaning Instead

According to a new book, The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters, the pursuit of happiness might undermine its achievement. Meaning is what makes life worth living, the book’s author argues. Pursuing happiness as its own goal may be a distraction from the sense of purpose that is more likely to help people feel happier.

Bouldering Envisioned as a New Treatment for Depression

Bouldering, a popular form of rock climbing, may ease symptoms of depression. The authors of a new study say people who began bouldering three hours a week for eight weeks saw reductions in depression. They suggest the physical, cognitive, and social components of the sport may help. People may boulder with friends, and bouldering poses both physical and intellectual challenges.

Can Parents’ Tech Obsessions Contribute to a Child’s Bad Behavior?

Increased reliance on technology may undermine parents’ relationships with their children. According to a study that looked at surveys completed by mothers and fathers in 170 households, half of parents said technology disrupts time with their children. On average, technology interrupts parent-child interactions two to three times per day. The study suggests these interruptions may be associated with increased behavior problems from children.

Suit: SC Mental Health Needlessly Hospitalizes People

In a federal class action lawsuit, Protection and Advocacy for People with Disabilities—a disability advocacy organization—alleges that the South Carolina Department of Mental Health is unnecessarily hospitalizing people with mental health issues. A 1999 U.S. Supreme Court decision in Olmstead v. L.C. found people with mental health disabilities have a right to live in less restrictive settings. Thus, needless hospitalization or institutionalization is a form of mental health discrimination.

Meditation May Cause Negative Feelings for Some, Study Finds

Research links meditation to numerous benefits, including improvements in mental health. However, research that includes interviews with nearly 100 meditation teachers and meditators suggests it may not be positive for everyone. Some people who meditated reported side effects such as insomnia, sensitivity to light or sound, anxiety, or panic.

In today’s modern world, many of us don’t live near our families. In order to see our loved ones, we generally have to plan a visit. Due to finances, scheduling time off work, packing, making the trip, and any number of other bumps along the way, this is often a stressful process.

Then we arrive, worn out from the trip and eager for the happy reunion we anticipate, but our visit ends up dissolving into drama, miscommunication, and hurt feelings.

Is this a familiar pattern? If so, there may be unresolved issues tainting your relationship with your family. When repetitive conflict occurs, working toward a resolution can feel lopsided or darn near impossible, and the inability to resolve issues may cause frustration and further stress.

Limiting the Stress of Visits

How can you work towards improving the quality of family visits?  Let’s take a look at a few tips that may help you not merely survive a visit, but actually enrich relationships with family members and help make the time you spend together more fulfilling.

1. Try to plan visits that are as free of stress as possible. As with most things in life, timing is everything. In other words, if the deadline of a project is looming and your mom wants to spend a week with you, this may not be the best idea. Free your calendar for a visit, and be realistic about the time you can afford to spare. Perhaps rather than having your mom visit for an entire week, you choose to plan an extended weekend visit.
2. Speaking of time, know your limits. If you are dealing with a difficult parent or sibling, don’t set yourself up for a lengthy stay. It is possible to love a family member without necessarily liking them. The closest and most easygoing of families can get grumpy after four or five days under the same roof, but for some the snapping point may be a few hours. So plan accordingly. [fat_widget_right]
3. Consider where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing. One possible strategy to reduce stress is to plan ahead of time. Look for activities everyone can participate in, and make a plan before you get together so everyone will be aware of the activities that can realistically be undertaken during the visit. This can help reduce both the burden of planning and the boredom of having nothing to do during a visit while also alleviating stress, anxiety, and short tempers.
4. Be honest about your expectations and needs. If you don’t like the chaos of large family gatherings, plan one-on-one visits. Even if you simply get coffee or take a walk in the park together, visiting with just one family member at a time allows for more intimate dynamics. These types of visits are excellent for deepening relationships without a lot of outside interference, and they can be particularly ideal if you tend to experience difficulties with a family member. A one-on-one visit can allow you the opportunity to address and resolve issues without the added tension and input of others.
5. Consider your finances. When planning a trip, be realistic about your budget and stay within it. If you are feeling strapped financially, the visit may be compromised and cause you further stress unless you are able to be frank about not going over budget. You might offer to help cook a meal at home instead of going out to eat. Consider going for a hike or taking a day trip to the beach instead of seeing a show, or stay in and play board games together.
6. Plan for time-outs. If you and your partner are going to visit parents, be sure to take time alone, even if it’s just long enough to slip out to the store. You need time to regroup, to have quiet, to process, or to simply be alone. If you have the chance for a longer break, seek out places that will restore your sense of self. Find a yoga studio, wander through the neighborhood, or find a bookstore and read for an hour or two. You might also choose to create your own space by staying at a hotel, a friend’s house, or an Airbnb, rather than with your relatives. This may cause a few hurt feelings, but in the end it might make for a more optimal visit.
7. Don’t be afraid to try new behaviors to implement positive change. Instead of falling back into unhelpful patterns, you might try establishing new ones. Rather than engaging in an argument, for example, try deflecting. Altering your reactions can be a powerful tool for defusing conflict. If your dad tends to make trite comments about your work, change the subject and tell him something interesting instead of becoming defensive. A one-time modification in behavior will not necessarily resolve old wounds, but it can empower you to continue changing the nature of the relationship. You might even get to the point where you can confront the offending family member and simply ask them to stop.

The next time you are planning to spend time with family, try implementing these suggestions and see if they help smooth out any rocky patches and lead to a more enjoyable visit.