You may have heard it said that you can’t truly love another person if you don’t love yourself. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, and I think it speaks to the “mirror-type” relationship between self-esteem and other-esteem. Basically, the esteem you feel for others tends to reflect, or mirror, your own level of self-esteem.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

Low Esteem for Others

In extreme cases, people whose self-esteem is so damaged that they feel worthless may engage in criminal activity that hurts other people or damages property. Having no compassion for themselves (which they would if they enjoyed healthy self-esteem), these people find it hard to access compassion for their victims.

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High Esteem for Others

Sometimes, treating others well is simply a mark of your own healthy self-esteem. But you might point out that it’s perfectly possible (even common) for people with low self-esteem to treat others better than they treat themselves.

How is a person with low self-esteem able to have such high esteem for other people? Where’s the mirror effect in this scenario?

The answer lies in what’s beneath all that good behavior directed at others.

If you scratch the surface of this “esteeming-others” behavior, you’re likely to find not genuine affection or respect, but fear of abandonment or rejection. The good behavior toward other people is motivated not by esteem for them, but by something more like fear of losing their approval.

So the true level of self-esteem (low) is reflected in a secretly low opinion of others, masquerading as kindness.

Think about it: Constantly putting others above yourself could be like saying, “I don’t believe you are good, strong, or mature enough to handle it if I don’t please you, so I’m going to be extra nice so as not to upset you.”

Here are five aspects of self-esteem that are reflected in relationships with others:

1. Respect for efforts made, not just results.

High self-esteem places a value on trying as well as succeeding. If I have good self-esteem, I’ll give myself credit for trying even if I fail.

This doesn’t mean pulling the wool over my eyes and pretending I succeeded when I didn’t. I don’t need to prop myself up with lies if my self-esteem is intact.

Mirror effect: Similarly, I recognize your efforts even if things don’t go perfectly.

Let’s say we had an argument and you get me a greeting card that says, “I’m sorry.” It’s a musical card that plays a song you thought I might like.

If I don’t like the song, but there was no way for you to know that, I can still recognize your effort to reconcile with me. I’ll focus on that, and it will be meaningful to me that you tried.

2. Acceptance of limitations.

If I have high self-esteem, it gives me the security of knowing that, even though I’m a flawed human being, I am worthy at a basic level anyway.

I don’t have to shut my eyes to reality; once I know what they are, I can accept actual limitations of talent, intellect, strength, etc.

I don’t have to do everything perfectly or even very well. I have my strengths, others have theirs, and there’s room for all of us in this world.

Mirror effect: If you have a limitation that affects me, such as an inability to multitask that drives me nuts, I can see it as a limitation just like the ones I have, rather than a personal attack on me.

3. Acknowledgment of accomplishments.

It feels good to be able to acknowledge my achievements. If I can celebrate my successes, I can enjoy yours, too.

Mirror effect: Your accomplishments don’t take away from my good feelings about myself, nor vice versa. But unless I can acknowledge my own accolades, yours will feel equally unimportant, overblown, or even toxic.

4. Embrace of human-ness.

If I’m allowed to be human, so are you.

If I’m not, then you’re not.

5. Care taken with emotions.

How I treat myself when I have difficult feelings will be how I feel toward you when you express emotions.

If I can’t stand to cry, if I’m frightened of my own anger, if I refuse to engage with my grief … your emotions will be equally frightening to me.

Mirror effect: If I recognize my emotions as normal and important parts of me, to be heeded and worked through, then I’ll welcome your expression of your feelings.

Water seeks its own level, and so does esteem. Learning to genuinely value yourself will help you value others and enjoy relationships more.

When parental involvement is limited, children typically receive scant mirroring or encouragement. They have no one reflecting back to them that they are worthwhile, admirable, or interesting. When parents are over-involved, their excessive control over how their children define themselves in the world provides few opportunities for the child to self-reflect and have his or her own positive thoughts and feelings. In both cases, the development of self-confidence and self-esteem are compromised.

At the age of 25, “Carol” came to therapy feeling depressed and anxious. She had little sense of what she wanted for herself in life and no belief that if she knew what she wanted, she had what it took to get it. She had been a sociology major in college and was now working as a salesperson in a women’s clothing boutique; she had a few girlfriends and dated very occasionally. Tearfully, Carol told me, “I am so unhappy. I look around and see other people my age having fun, loving their jobs, feeling good about themselves. I feel like such a nothing. I don’t have a clue about what I want to be when I grow up. I’m scared to death when I go on a date that the guy will find me stupid and boring. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around people.”

I asked Carol about her family. “My parents were divorced when I was 8,” she said. “My father remarried a year later, and I lived with my mother. I saw my father and his wife every other weekend at first and then less and less. My mother never remarried, but she was married to her job. I didn’t see her much since she always seemed to be working. I had a lot of babysitters when I was young. I had no siblings and was by myself a lot. Maybe from middle school on, I didn’t have many friends, so I would just go home by myself and watch TV. I was an average student, but really, I guess I was apathetic. Sometimes I think I’m smart; I don’t know. I didn’t care much about anything.”

Sounding sad and angry, Carol continued: “As long as I went to school and got Bs and Cs, my mother didn’t say much. She never helped me with my homework. She never asked me about my life. She was cheery and not mean, but not very involved. My father became mostly a phone call. He paid for my college but was totally uninvolved. I talked to the guidance counselor and chose a bunch of colleges to apply to, but really, I didn’t care much. I was kind of scared to go away on my own, but I never told anyone. I got through college OK, but it wasn’t any different than life before. I had a couple of friends, but I didn’t get involved much. I don’t know what else to tell you. There really isn’t much of interest about me or my life.”

“Sally” was also an only child who, unlike Carol, had parents who doted on her. She was a high achiever in school, which earned her substantial praise and admiration from her parents. When Sally came to therapy at age 23, she, too, was depressed and anxious. When I asked Sally to describe her family, she told me, “I have a very close relationship with my parents. I love them so much and rely on them for everything. They are always there with their ideas and opinions and suggestions. It’s very confusing to me that I feel so miserable so much of the time. My parents are such cheerleaders for me; I don’t know why I don’t feel better about myself.”

Over the many months that Sally and I explored her negative feelings about herself and her lack of self-confidence, a pattern of relationship between Sally and her parents began to emerge. It was quite clear that Sally’s parents were very engaged with her life and always had been. Sally related, “When I was in elementary school, my parents would simply beam when I told them my grades or the compliments I got from teachers. They were very hands-on. When I wanted to take music lessons, my mother, a musician herself, discouraged me, saying that it wasn’t something I really excelled at, so why bother—it would only make me feel second rate. They had definite ideas about what I should do and guided me about everything. When I wanted to join the swim team, my father convinced me it wasn’t a good idea because I wasn’t a top-notch swimmer. I remember feeling a little badly, but I figured he knew best.”

Sounding proud of her parents’ involvement, Carol told me, “Both my parents helped me plan my college education. They chose the college, and we all agreed that I would go on to law school after graduation. Somewhere in college, I started to get depressed and I couldn’t think about law school. I would tell them I was feeling down, and they would say how that didn’t make sense, that I had so much going for me. I know they wanted what’s best for me. I really didn’t want to go to law school when I graduated, but they told me it was foolish, I would make a great lawyer. I didn’t think so, but it’s so confusing because I’m clueless about what I do want to do. I have no real idea of who I am. I am my parents’ daughter, but I guess I don’t feel like my own person.”

Both Carol and Sally experienced severe low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. For Carol, the emotional absence of her parents from her life, and the minimal appreciation and recognition they offered, contributed significantly to her inability to develop a separate self with feelings of value and confidence. Without the experience of parents responding to a child’s spirit and achievements (whether taking first steps, laughing at their jokes, making a diorama, or going on a first date), children are deprived of the building blocks for self-confidence and self-esteem. To feel “I can do it,” or even more important, “You are proud, pleased, and delighted with me,” is a crucial experience that Carol never had.

A parent’s pleasure at a child’s achievements and with the person becomes a platform from which a child ventures out into the world with the knowledge that he or she will be OK. Sally’s parents seemed to convey a total belief in her ability to be successful in the world. Or did they? Sally’s experiences and choices in the world were overseen by her parents, who communicated they always knew what was right for her. Feeling protective, they tried to eliminate anything that might cause Sally frustration or feelings of being less than excellent. However, they never gave her the emotional space to make her own choices, to make mistakes, and to learn that she was resilient. The only way she knew how to assess and think about who she was and how she was doing in the world required reliance on her parents’ view of her. As Sally and I talked, it was clear that she couldn’t rely on herself or her peers in decision making, or even to feel good about herself. It was not surprising that Sally hadn’t developed the ability to think about herself as an individual separate from her parents or to know what she wanted to do with her life.

For both Carol and Sally, talking in therapy opened up new possibilities for thinking about self. Carol became aware of her anger toward her parents and realized that blaming them was keeping her from taking charge of herself in the world. After expressing much resentment and sadness about the experiences she missed out on since childhood, Carol started to push herself and risked trying new things. Even though it made her anxious, she went online and began dating. She decided to try and reconnect with people who were “almost” friends in college. She started to talk to me about taking some courses to explore some possible career paths. It was scary, and each step caused great anxiety. But each success added to her feelings of self-worth and self-confidence.

Sally started to recognize that she had been idealizing her parents and is slowly becoming more comfortable with seeing them as humans with frailties. This allows her to accept her own lack of perfection and tolerate the frustration of trying new things and not easily succeeding at them. She has been calling her parents less frequently and risking making decisions on her own. She has also been sharing more with friends, something she didn’t do in the past. She is clear she doesn’t want to go to law school and has been considering going back to school to become a teacher.

The self-esteem and self-confidence of both women were affected by the over- and under-involvement of their parents. While it helps that children know their parents are there to support them practically and emotionally, parents also need to be comfortable stepping back to allow their children to make decisions, struggle, fail, and succeed. This balance between providing support and giving children the freedom to discover their own individual desires, strengths, and weaknesses is the basis of how children develop self-confidence and self-esteem.

Women face overwhelming pressure to meet an often unrealizable “beauty” ideal. The result is that 80% of women report being unhappy with their appearance, and three-quarters of all women engage in some form of disordered eating such as crash dieting or skipping meals. Many companies have capitalized on this trend, offering a veritable cornucopia of products designed to “fix” women’s perceived flaws.

The advertisements for these products, however, frequently leave women feeling bad about themselves, particularly when images in these ads contain unrealistically “perfect” women. The overwhelming majority of cosmetic and clothing advertisements are digitally enhanced. Even Beyoncé fell victim to this practice, often called photoshopping, getting into a public dispute with H&M in early 2013 when the clothing retailer altered images of her modeling swimwear. But women are increasingly aware of the effects of digitally manipulated advertisements, and some retailers are abandoning the practice of presenting women with unrealistic images.

Photoshopping and Other Tricks

Although women continue to be bombarded with unrealistic—and perhaps even fake—images of models, the tide is slowly turning against photoshopping. Debenhams, a major British department store, recently announced that it will no longer manipulate images, even releasing photos demonstrating the “before” and “after” effects its previous photoshopping efforts had on models’ appearance. The National Advertising Division, an organization that makes recommendations for advertisers, has advocated for an outright ban on photoshopping in cosmetic advertisements.

Advertising tricks aren’t limited to photoshopping, though. The right lighting, heavy makeup, and clever clothing placement can leave models looking very different from how they look in real life. Some tricks mislead women about the effects of products featured in advertisements. Mascara manufacturers, for example, may resort to the use of false lashes or lash extensions to make the product look much more effective than it actually is. Women who buy the product are then left feeling like there’s something wrong with them because they can’t look like the model in the advertisement.

The Effects of Advertisements

Numerous studies have documented the negative effects that advertisements have on women, even when women know the ads have been altered. Women feel worse about themselves, for example, after reading advertisement-laden fashion magazines. Some women even resort to cutting out photos of extremely thin models as “thinspiration” for crash diets. According to research by sociologist Jean Kilbourne, regular exposure to advertisements can contribute to internalized sexism. Women may begin to see their appearance as the primary source of their worth, neglecting other interests in favor of the perpetual pursuit of aesthetic perfection.

Keeping Self-Esteem Intact

Even if photoshopping is banned, women will be exposed to images of models who have been heavily made up, who benefit from excellent lighting, and whose appearance differs substantially from the average woman. Although this practice can feel unfair and even overwhelming, women can take steps to empower themselves and avoid the self-esteem-crushing effects of unrealistic ideals. These include:

• Avoiding magazines that are focused primarily on beauty or that contain a lot of advertisements
• Turning off the television during commercial breaks
• Contacting retailers and cosmetic manufacturers to complain when advertisements are misleading or psychologically damaging
• Focusing on health and physical fitness rather than weight loss
• Critically evaluating claims made in product commercials and ads
• Focusing on valuing the self for personality traits rather than appearance
• Steering conversations with friends away from diets, makeup, and body shaming

References:

1. Edwards, J. (2011, December 16). US moves toward banning photoshop in cosmetics ads. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/us-moves-toward-banning-use-of-photoshop-in-cosmetics-ads-2011-12
2. ExtremeTech. (2011, December 16). US Watchdog Bans Photoshopping in Cosmetic Ads. Retrieved from http://www.extremetech.com/extreme/109375-us-bans-photoshop-use-in-cosmetics-ads
3. Grey, J. (2013, May 30). Beyonce outraged that H&M intended to photoshop her bootyliciousness. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/beyonc-outraged-at-hm-photoshop-2013-5
4. Helping your daughter see through advertising. (n.d.). Discover Your Daughter. Retrieved from http://www.discoveryourdaughter.com/for-your-daughter/self-esteem/helping-your-daughter-see-through-advertising
5. Kilbourne, J. (2000). Can’t buy my love: How advertising changes the way we think and feel. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
6. Ross, C. C., MD. (n.d.). Why do women hate their bodies? Psych Central.com. Retrieved from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/02/why-do-women-hate-their-bodies/
7. Three out of four American women have disordered eating, survey suggests. (2008, April 23). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/04/080422202514.htm
8. Women’s magazines and the cult of hypocrisy. (2012, July 5). Women’s Media Center. Retrieved from http://www.womensmediacenter.com/feature/entry/womens-magazines-and-the-cult-of-hypocrisy

We all engage in manipulation from time to time. When your boss asks you what you thought of his or her terrible presentation and you render lavish praise, you’re concealing your real feelings in an attempt to elicit the reaction you want from someone in power. But in close interpersonal relationships, manipulation can take on a much darker hue, leaving its targets never quite knowing where they stand.

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The very nature of manipulation makes it challenging to know when you’re being manipulated. Manipulators attempt to conceal their motives and feelings, and their targets—who often struggle to sustain an honest, open, and manipulation-free relationship—may have to do some detective work to determine whether they’re being played.

What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is the process of trying to change another person’s feelings, beliefs, or behaviors through indirect tactics. Rather than asking for what they want, manipulative people tend to use deception, coercion, even threats to get their needs met.

Manipulation is associated with a number of mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder, passive-aggressive personality disorder, addiction, antisocial personality disorder, and narcissism. Not all manipulative people have mental health issues, but when manipulation becomes a primary style of interaction, it can indicate an underlying psychological issue.

Tactics Manipulators Use
If you’re concerned that you’re being manipulated, examine the tactics the other person is using. If you find yourself caught up in a web of deception and unclear motives, it could be manipulation.

Some common tactics manipulators use include lying, withholding information, denying feelings, playing the victim, blaming the victim, minimizing others’ feelings, pretending to be confused or ignorant, guilt, shame, and pretending that his or her tactics are intended to serve a higher calling such as God or a political cause. Manipulators also frequently use gaslighting—the process of provoking someone into an extreme or angry reaction, then blaming the other person for his or her reaction.

While anyone can be manipulated, expert manipulators tend to target people with and take advantage of certain personality traits. These traits include:

• The desire to be liked or to please; these people are more likely to take extraordinary measures to gain favor
• Low self-esteem
• Dependency; people who tend to be dependent upon others will be more easily swayed by threats to withdraw love or support
• Naiveté or ignorance
• Loneliness
• Impulsivity, greed, and materialism
• Low assertiveness
• Fear of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions—either in oneself or from the manipulator

Why People Manipulate
For some people, manipulation may be an inadvertent strategy for dealing with a cutthroat world in which discussing feelings is often taboo. Manipulation is part of the normal range of behavioral tactics, and most people engage in manipulative strategies from time to time. People whose primary style of interaction is manipulation, however, tend to share some traits in common. These include:

• A need for control or power over others
• A need to raise their own self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
• A willingness to prioritize their own feelings and desires over the needs and well-being of others

How to Handle a Manipulator
Many of us are highly aware when we’re being manipulated, but are still left unsure of what to do. Because manipulators often play the victim, some victims of manipulation might excuse their behavior or insist that the manipulator doesn’t really know what he or she is doing. Manipulators thrive on hiding their motives, so it can be challenging to get them to admit their true intentions, and many people will refuse to do so even under pressure. Instead, try the following tactics:

• Avoid allowing yourself to be shamed or guilted into doing something.
• When a manipulator makes a covert threat, ask him or her about the threat.
• Ask the manipulative person if he or she can tell you directly what he or she wants.
• Avoid sharing how the manipulation makes you feel, as these feelings can later be used as a tactic by the manipulator.
• Be direct, clear, and honest, and refuse to participate in the escalating game of manipulation.

References:

1. Psychological harassment and psychological manipulation. (n.d.). Psychological Harassment Information Association. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalharassment.com/psychological_manipulation.htm
2. Simon, G. K. (n.d.). Dealing with manipulative people. RickRoss.com. Retrieved from http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html
3. Spotting emotional manipulation. (n.d.). Cassiopaea. Retrieved from http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

When counseling parents and their children, I often refer to the “love languages”—an idea coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor most well known for the Love Languages series of books.

People express their love in a variety of ways, and what is important to one person may not be as much to another. If someone’s top languages are not being met, it can lead to negative feelings and behaviors.

The five love languages are as follows:

1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Quality time
4. Gift giving
5. Acts of service

While you may have heard of the love languages, you may not have applied them to the parent-child relationship. It’s telling kids “I love you” in a language they respond to. Saying the words often isn’t enough. Parents often assume their kids know they are loved, but that’s not always the case.

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Love should be unconditional, but is often displayed conditionally (such as when kids are good). Unconditional love can prevent problems such as resentment, feelings of guilt, fear, anger, low self-esteem, and insecurity. Children need to feel loved; if they don’t, they may seek approval elsewhere.

Now let’s talk about how to incorporate these into your daily lives:

1. Some ways to incorporate physical touch include hugging, kissing, child sitting on lap, cuddling during stories, television, or movies, tossing in the air, gentle touches on legs, arms, head, shoulders, etc., back scratches, high-fives and contact sports.

As kids get older, parents may touch only when necessary, like when helping with clothes or hair. Kids will crave more contact when sick, hurt, tired, or sad. Teenagers, especially boys, will pull back from physical touch. Make sure the touch is positive and at the right time and place. Don’t embarrass!

Conversely, a negative touch coming from a place of anger can be detrimental.

2. Words of affirmation are ways to give praise and encouragement for what the child does. Since a child’s behavior is something he or she controls, there is a direct effect.

Be genuine when giving praise. Praising too frequently may have little positive effect, as it can come across as insincere. This can set up an expectation for praise, and create anxiety when it is absent. The way you word praise and your voice tone and volume make a big difference. Words of guidance will be sought elsewhere—from school, TV, peers, or other adults—if not received from parents.

Although it may seem obvious, words of negativity really hurt, and the greatest enemy of encouragement is anger.

Make sure to say “I love you” on its own, not with qualifiers such as “but …” or “will you …” attached.

3. Spend quality time with your child. Kids really seem to crave this, especially any one-on-one time. This love language is fairly self-explanatory. It can be going somewhere or just hanging out. Think of those moments when you’re sharing thoughts and feelings, having good, quality conversations. Mealtime, going for walks, story time, or bedtime can be good opportunities.

4. Giving gifts can be one that parents roll their eyes at. Of course kids like gifts! However, it is more about the thought behind it. In a child’s mind: “You were thinking of me and got it, since I’m important.” Other languages need to be combined with gift giving. It is not a paycheck or bribe, nor should it be a substitute for time spent. As with praise, excess gifts lose their meaning. You can tell gift giving is important if kids express excitement when receiving a gift or based on how it is presented, or display it proudly.

5. Acts of service is a big part of being a parent, as the list of tasks, errands, and to-do list items never seems to end. Acts of service refers to going above and beyond making sure kids’ needs are met. This could include offering to help with something before they ask, or at least not saying “in a minute” when they do. Encouraging a hobby, checking homework, hosting events for the kids at home, or doing things to make an illness more bearable are other examples.

To discover someone’s primary language, note the following:

1. Observe how they express love to you.
2. Observe how they express love to others.
3. Listen to what they request most often.
4. Notice what they complain about the most.
5. Give them choices between two options.

You need to show love in all five ways, but try to discover the person’s primary language (or top two or three). When the person is under 5 years old, try to hit all five languages.

While not everyone’s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode, generally the world looks, feels, and is understood completely differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive episode, the world can literally seem like a dark place. What was beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. There’s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.

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When this reality shift happens, it’s difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been pretending to himself/herself and others—though at the time he or she really felt it. The person can’t remember feeling the love, and can’t feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he or she is convinced it’s not true.

Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain.

Major depression feels like intense pain that can’t be identified in any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far away—on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.

There is terrible shame about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him or her.

It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. I can’t emphasize enough that when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed person’s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or they minimize or try to disprove the person’s reality, they are very unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the throes of a major depressive episode.

Support for People with Depression

So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need? Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive episode—severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one that is a response to a terrible loss.

For some people in a major depression, psychotropic medication works and is the only thing that works. The same could be said for electroshock treatment, though it’s not for everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works to end the episode, it’s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition, acupuncture, and other body-based treatments as well as therapy can help without the side effects of medication.

What Loved Ones Can Do

Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the depressed person, try not to take on the person’s reality, but also not argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change, and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when caught in the quicksand.

As someone who loves a person with depression, it can be emotionally difficult or stressful at times to support that person. It can be beneficial to focus on your own needs and self-care, and to reach out for help if you need it such as seeking the support of a counselor or therapist.

In the spectrum of human emotions, jealousy is almost certainly one of the most complex, frustrating, and uncomfortable. This cocktail of anger, sadness, suspicion, and envy can destroy relationships, cause bouts of depression and anxiety, and even lead to serious violence or—in extreme cases—homicide. While jealousy and envy are sometimes used synonymously, jealousy refers to the fear of losing someone or something you value, while envy is resentment over something you don’t have but want. Jealousy is probably a hard-wired emotion that humans have developed through evolution. Evolutionary psychologists have written extensively about the role jealousy plays in mating strategies. But even emotions with genetic underpinnings only manifest in certain environments, and there are several factors that make jealousy more likely to surface.

Fear of Being Replaced

People don’t normally experience jealousy unless they feel threatened by another person or entity. Sibling jealousy is usually caused by a child’s fear that the parents will replace him or her with a new sibling or love another sibling more. In romantic relationships, jealousy is typically triggered by a third party. The third party doesn’t have to actually pose a threat; the mere perception of a threat is enough to get the wheels of jealousy turning.

Individual Psychological Factors

Like almost every other emotion and relationship problem, jealousy is heavily affected by individual factors. Past experience can increase a person’s likelihood of being jealous. An adult whose parents modeled jealousy may tend more toward jealousy, and a person who has been betrayed by a lover might be more prone to suspicion. Traits such as anxiety can also affect jealousy. People who tend to worry a lot are more likely to worry about losing a loved one.

Relationship Quality

Some people are more prone to jealousy than others, but virtually everyone is more jealous in an unstable or unloving relationship. After all, jealousy is centered on the fear of losing someone. If you’re unsure of your spouse’s love or your child is unclear whether you love him or her as much as a new sibling, jealousy is much more likely to become explosive. Indeed, in relationships that are already troubled, jealousy may be the final nail. Because jealousy is heavily influenced by the quality of a relationship, practicing loving communication and taking time out for one another is an excellent way to protect against severe jealousy.

The unique dynamics of a relationship can also affect jealous feelings. When there’s a mismatch in relationship styles, it can be a recipe for jealousy. Attachment plays a significant role in jealousy, and people with insecure attachment styles can be more jealous than people who are securely attached. For example, a husband who needs a lot of attention and reassurance might be more prone to jealousy if his wife tends to like her personal space. A highly social husband might make his more introverted wife jealous, particularly if she’s not used to having the large number of close relationships he has.

Preventing Jealousy

Jealousy is not always a negative emotion. It can alert you to a deficit in your relationship and help you become mindful of potential outside threats. After all, sometimes you really are in danger of losing your mate. But when jealousy takes over or occurs for no apparent reason, it can be highly destructive. Couples experiencing problems with jealousy may benefit from couples therapy. Other ways to minimize jealousy include:

• Talking directly and openly about feelings
• Discussing strategies to minimize jealousy
• Practicing honesty in interpersonal relationships
• Examining whether the jealousy is caused by external or internal factors
• Working to improve lacking elements within the relationship
• Taking time to make the other person feel special and valued

References:

1. Allen, J. (2000). Romantic jealousy: The role of attachment style and social comparison processes in the violent expression of romantic jealousy. Leicester: University of Leicester.
2. Springer, S. (n.d.). Jealousy is a dangerous sword. Clinical Psychology Associates. Retrieved from http://cpancf.com/articles_files/jealousyinrelationships.asp

We all know the feeling, but few of us want to talk about it. Shame often runs our lives and undermines our relationships, but we often keep it hidden. We’re ashamed of being ashamed. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I pride myself on being a sensitive, caring man, and when she pointed out this shortcoming, I could feel the shame rise up in me. I felt myself getting warm. My first thought was, “I didn’t do it.” My first words were, “I never said it.” I felt confused and off balance. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to disappear.

I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort. Shame is such a wretched feeling, most of us try and deny we are feeling it, hoping that if we don’t look at it, shame will magically disappear. But shame is stubborn. The more we deny it, the more it sticks to us like glue.

Recent research shows that shame is conceptualized as a multidimensional construct, manifesting in various physical and emotional ways. Shame manifests physically in a wide variety of forms. “The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget,” psychotherapist Marc Miller said. Other responses may include irritability, annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration, or denial. Research indicates that the strongest correlates of shame across studies include individual differences in nonacceptance of negative emotions and expressive suppression. Because the effect of shame often interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a blank mind.

“Man is the only animal that blushes,” Mark Twain once said. “Or needs to.” He reminds us how central shame is to the human experience.

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When couples come to me for counseling, they rarely mention shame as a cause for their difficulty. Yet I’ve found that shame is a major factor of relationship problems. Research shows that shame can have a severe negative impact on intimate relationships, leading to negative shame loops between partners. We know that couples often fight about money and sex. He gets angry when she spends money on things he thinks are not important. Underneath his anger we often find feelings of inadequacy. Beneath her spending patterns may be feelings of loneliness and unworthiness.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Shame often operates alongside other vulnerabilities such as fear, grief, or insecurity rather than existing in isolation.”

One partner wants more sex, and the other feels tired or withdrawn. One gets angry. The other feels hurt. Shame is rarely discussed, but is always present. One may feel like a lousy lover. The other may feel unattractive.

Recent umbrella reviews show that a relative majority of studies conceptualize shame as a multidimensional construct, representing what Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued was an entire family of emotions. This family includes humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often experienced as a critical inner voice that judges us as “damaged goods,” inadequate, inferior, or worthless.

Shame in Men and Women

I’ve found the things that trigger shame differ in men and women. Research confirms that gender stereotypes maintain that women experience more guilt and shame than men, with meta-analyses showing small but significant gender differences (d = -0.29 for shame). Women often feel shame when they are unable to do all the things they think they should do. They must be a good mother, a sexy wife, a successful breadwinner, a caring friend, a good sister, and more. Studies show that women avoid the shame they may have if others observe that they overestimated themselves, while men do not seem to be similarly shame averse, possibly due to different societal expectations where men are expected to be overconfident.

The list is smaller for men. Shame usually manifests when we don’t feel strong. Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on shame, says, “While women are faced with a web of many layered, competing, and conflicting expectations, there seems to be one major expectation for men—do NOT appear weak.”

I’ve also found that men and women often react to shame differently. Research indicates larger gender gaps in shame with trait versus state scales, and gender differences in shame about domains such as the body, sex, and food tend to be larger than other domains. While individual responses to shame vary widely and are not strictly gender-bound, often women often blame themselves when they feel ashamed. They look embarrassed. They turn inward. Men often blame others when they feel ashamed. They often look angry. They may explode outward.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “While patterns can differ across socialization, people of any gender may turn shame inward or outward depending on personality, history, and context.”

In fact, male violence is often an attempt to ward off shame. Recent research shows masculinity threats lead to emotions including shame, guilt, and a reduction in empathy, and these masculinity threats predict harmful behaviors such as men’s aggression, sexual violence, anxiety, shame, self-harm, and homophobic attitudes. Dr. James Gilligan has spent more than 30 years researching anger and violence in men. His research traces the role that shame plays in the etiology of murder and shows how feelings of shame cause violent and vengeful behavior. He says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo this ‘loss of face.’ ” Respect is important to all of us, but for men it is essential. Recent research on masculinity and violence shows that when men were targets of partner violence, many described feelings of weakness and shame, reflecting assumptions that men should be dominant and not victimized. Feeling disrespected or “dissed” can cause a man to strike out in rage.

Self-Disclosure and Empathy

The most difficult thing in the world to do when we are feeling down on ourselves is to admit how we feel. Yet self-disclosure is what we need to do to stop the cycle of shame and blame that so many of us get caught up with. Recent research on intimacy shows that self-disclosure, a fundamental component of intimacy, occurs only when vulnerability is met with acceptance rather than rejection. However, shame disrupts this process by inhibiting vulnerability and promoting defensive strategies. It’s harder than hell to say to my wife, “You’re right, what I said was unkind. I’m sorry.” But that’s the key to washing the shame away.

Attachment research shows that shame loops within couple relationships may not only be triggered by negative cues, such as criticism from a partner, but can also innocently be triggered by a partner seeking connection or even offering comfort. It feels counterintuitive. We’re afraid that if we admit our faults, we’ll feel even more ashamed. But the opposite is true. The more we’re able to say, “Yes, I messed up,” or, “Yes, I made a mistake,” or, “Yes, I’m sorry for what I said,” the better we feel about ourselves.

We all know the good feeling we get when we can own our mistakes and be forgiven. But that takes empathy on the part of our partner. Our partner has to be able to feel with us, not blame us or put us down. Recent clinical trials of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy show significant improvements in intimacy and reductions in shame when couples learn to address these dynamics. For men, it often means admitting our weakness. And for women, it means accepting that we can still be strong, adequate men, even when we are weak.

Men need also to practice empathy with the women in our lives. We have to understand the things we do that shame them, the subtle ways we may put them down. And we all need to be more empathic with ourselves. We don’t have to be successful at everything, all the time. We don’t have to be strong all the time and hide our weakness. We can learn to love and accept the wonderful, flawed, human beings we all are.

References:

1. Mirzazade, Z., Molazade, J., & Hadianfard, H. (2025). The effect of emotionally focused couple therapy (EFCT) on shame and intimacy in couples: a randomized controlled trial (RCT). BMC Psychology, 13, 1111. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03415-3
2. Frediani, M. J., et al. (2024). Seeking connection can trigger shame loops in couples: An attachment-based understanding. Family Process, 63(1), 34-47. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12888
3. Vescio, T. K., et al. (2025). Masculinity threats sequentially arouse public discomfort, anger, and positive attitudes toward sexual violence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(1), 3-20. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231179431
4. Stanaland, A., Gaither, S., & Gassman-Pines, A. (2023). When is masculinity “fragile”? An expectancy-discrepancy-threat model of masculine identity. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 27(4), 285-315. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683221141176
5. Swerdlow, B. A., Sandel, D. B., & Johnson, S. L. (2023). Shame on me for needing you. Emotion, 23(3), 737-752. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001109
6. O’Donnell, S., et al. (2024). Masculinity and violence interconnectedness: Defining and reconciling the gender paradox among men with cumulative lifetime violence histories. SAGE Open, 14(3), 21582440241266998. https://doi.org/10.1177/21582440241266998
7. Else-Quest, N. M., Higgins, A., Allison, C., & Morton, L. C. (2012). Gender differences in self-conscious emotional experience: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 138(5), 947-981. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027930
8. DeSantis, A. J., Eshelman, L. R., & Messman, T. L. (2025). Emotional dysregulation, anger, and masculinity in men who have experienced lifetime sexual violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 40(21-22), 5199-5222. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605241301790
9. Deshmukh, A., Mehta, R., & Acar, Z. (2024). Perceived criticism and intimacy avoidance in couples: The mediating role of shame. Research and Practice in Couple Therapy, 2(1), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.61838/rpct.2.1.1
10. Bardi, L., et al. (2024). Conceptualization and assessment of shame experience and regulation: An umbrella review of synthesis studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 113, 102436. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102436

I was talking with a new client and he was telling me about his temper when he gets mad and what consequences he receives. As he was talking, he stated, “when I’m bad…” and continued the conversation about his consequences. When he was done, I asked if he thought he was a “bad” kid. He said no. I was glad to hear that because I think overall, we are inherently good. Yes, there are people out there who would fit more in the “bad” category, but that is not what is being addressed.

As parents and disciplinarians, we try to shape our kids to make wise decisions so the negative consequences can be few or needed when necessary. When a kid gets angry and has tantrums and it happens over and over, it can be very frustrating to deal with. When the kid understands the consequence of his behavior but continues to still get angry and throw tantrums, parents may not be sure of what else to do. Parents slip. Teachers slip. The slip is telling the child that he is “bad” even though the behavior that he is doing may be more the focus of “bad.” I do not think that parents or even teachers slip on purpose and telling the kid that he is “bad,” but we are human and make mistakes, and it happens. Repeating this slip impacts the child’s self esteem. Over time, these children may see themselves as “bad” because they keep repeating the “bad” behavior, receiving the consequence, and having parents become frustrated, and a negative self-image begins to form. I know that is not what we as parents want for our kids. We want them to have a good sense of self and know what is “bad” behavior. So, how can this happen?

Here’s an idea: How about getting away from “bad” and “good” behavior. I know it’s hard to do because “good” and “bad” has been around for a very long time; it’s habitual and creating a newer way can be difficult.

What I am suggesting is to name what is “bad.” For example, your child is hitting a younger sibling because the sibling did not want to share a toy with the child. Instead of saying, “that’s bad,” point out that “hitting is bad.” Tell the child, “It’s not okay to hit when you are angry.” When we point out the behavior that is not okay, it helps us to not get into the “good” versus “bad” cycle. Another example: When your child is sitting on the floor and waiting patiently and you tell him “good boy.” Point out the WHAT that he is doing: sitting and waiting patiently. When he knows what he is doing that makes him a “good” boy, he will be able to associate that behavior in other areas and he will know he is doing well.

Objectifying the behavior takes away the “good” or “bad” titles, which decreases the opportunities for us parents to accidentally say that the child is “bad.”

Remember when your child was a baby and you were telling him what type of person he was going to grow up to be? If not, it’s okay. What I am getting at is when a kid is younger, parents may encourage the child a little more than at an older age. We encourage young children to try new foods, feed themselves, and use utensils, and we teach/show them how to do it then praise them for what they learned, even if it may not turn out well. Somehow as the child ages, the cycle of “good” or “bad” begins or replaces the encouraging aspect of parenting. Yes, kids do need to know right from wrong AND they still need to know that they are capable of doing great things.

Objectifying the behavior can help start a different way of helping your child to know how to make healthy choices. Continuing to encourage your child to try new things or to keep trying something can also help. Asking children what they think about their behavior and maybe what they could have done instead to not receive a consequence can also help. The asking can help your child learn how to see the cause and effect of a particular behavior. This can be a great learning and shaping tool for preparing the child to see more cause and effect as he or she ages and matures. Reminding the child that he or she is a wonderful child, has great possibilities, and is loved unconditionally can also reinforce a positive sense of self, regardless of whether the child has made a mistake or chooses wisely.

The goal of parenting is to help shape a child to have a good sense of self, to know how to behave appropriately, and to be able to self correct or recognize when he or she does not make a good choice. When the “bad” behavior is directly addressed, it takes away from parents accidentally slipping and saying that the child is “bad” when the focus needs to be more on the actual behavior.

It takes awareness and practice to create a new way of responding. Hopefully, this article will enlighten and small steps can be made to get out of the good/bad cycle and help the child to still have a good sense of self, even when he or she makes a poor choice.

Related articles:
Temper Tantrum Behaviors
Building Self-Confidence From the Ground Up
Adolescent Consequences, 100% Natural and Organic!

Dressing up can take extra effort, but it also feels good, especially if you receive extra compliments. A new study suggests what many women have experienced: dressing in nicer clothes makes you feel better.

According to a recent news release, one study has shown that women who are depressed or sad are more likely to wear baggy tops, jeans, and a sweatshirt or jumper. Women who are happy or positive are more likely to wear a favorite dress, jewelry, and jeans. These clothing choices seem to mean that women who are feeling down put less effort into what they’re wearing, and women who are in a good mood tend to try and look nicer to match their mood.

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There were 100 women interviewed for the study, and their ages ranged from 21 to 64 years, according to the news release. The researchers also found that 73% of women in the study “shopped for clothes at least every few months.” The majority of women, or 96%, “believed that what they wear affects how confident they feel,” according to the news release.

Researchers determined from the results that there is a possibility that wearing certain clothes can affect emotional states. “The strong link between clothing and mood state suggests we should put on clothes that we associate with happiness, even when feeling low,” according to the news release. The author of the study, Karen Pine, who is the coauthor of Flex: Do Something Different and a professor in the School of Psychology at University of Hertfordshire, added in the news release that jeans are more associated with a depressed mood state and that women should consider abandoning them for a different clothing choice in order to feel better.

“Jeans don’t look great on everyone. They are often poorly cut and badly fitting,” Pine said in the news release. “Jeans can signal that the wearer hasn’t bothered with their appearance. People who are depressed often lose interest in how they look and don’t wish to stand out, so the correlation between depression and wearing jeans is understandable. Most importantly, this research suggests that we can dress for happiness, but that might mean ditching the jeans.”

In the study, 51% of women would wear jeans when they felt sad or depressed, and only 33% of women would wear jeans when they felt happy or positive, according to the news release. So if people still wear jeans when they are happy, just to a lesser degree, why are they such a bad choice? Why are baggy clothes associated with a sad or depressed emotional state and dresses and jewelry associated with a happy or positive emotional state? Pine addressed these issues in an email.

“All the findings apply, but because jeans are so ubiquitous (everyone seems to have a pair, women on average have eight pairs each) we chose to ‘lead’ on this finding. It is interesting that many women wear them a lot but there’s still a variation according to mood. I think the finding that women will only wear their favourite dress when happy or will likely wear a baggy top when depressed is just as compelling.”

She said that the research didn’t go into certain details, like the fact that some women are more into a “jeans and T-shirt” type of fashion, and other women wear skirts and dresses every day as part of their style. It’s also uncertain whether results would’ve changed if researchers took into consideration the emphasis some women put on fashion and beauty and if women who shopped less were interviewed. “Of course there will always be individual differences, but nonetheless recent research into enclothed cognition … confirms there is a strong association between what we wear and our psychological processes,” Pine said.

Results would also possibly look different if men were included in the study. “A lot of my research concerns women’s issues .. and I think the emotional link is probably stronger for women than for men, although there is research that shows men’s clothes affect how they behave (e.g. sports teams that wear all black act more aggressively),” Pine said.

Overall, Pine believes the research provides a look into how we can improve our moods. “It shows that clothes impact strongly on how we feel and may also influence how we think (as the above research also suggests), which we’ll be exploring further in our research,” Pine said. “It suggests we should give more thought to what we wear and even dress for happiness, irrespective of how we are feeling. If we knew more about which clothes could lift a person’s mood perhaps there’d be less need for anti-depressant medication.”

Shauna Mackenzie Heathman, a certified image consultant and owner of Mackenzie Image Consulting in South Carolina, said in an email that the results of the study are expected. “When we are feeling depressed or unhappy, looking our best is not on our minds,” Pine said. “In fact, it becomes a hassle and waste of time. Mental energy is turned inwards towards emotional thoughts. Dressing simply becomes function versus adornment or fun.”

She said that people shouldn’t necessarily make assumptions about the feelings and emotions of another person based on their clothing though. “We have the power to wear items that represent our personalities and feelings,” Heathman said. “With that being said, who knows how other people will interpret it. We make [judgments]/assumptions based on our own experiences. Bottom line: I would be careful to assume one’s feelings based on what they wear. To a certain extent, you can read whether someone is feeling insecure based on their clothing, but body language and nonverbal communication is much more representative of one’s feelings.”

She thinks there could also be a separate study on men that explores their clothing choices and emotional states. “I think it was okay for this study to be focused around women,” Heathman said. “A separate study on men should be considered. However, first you would need to discover the underlying differences between men and women and how they interpret clothes. Men are much more focused on functionality in their wardrobe than women, regardless of emotional state. So I do think there may be some general similarities, but overall women’s results would probably be more dramatic.”

One of the main parts of the study Pine focused on was jeans and their association with a depressed or sad mood state, and Heathman thinks this could be because jeans are an easy choice that doesn’t require a lot of thought. “I don’t think it’s the fact of wearing jeans that suggests sadness or depression as it is just wanting effortlessness and functionality,” Heathman said. “As I mentioned before, when we are depressed or sad, we’re not focused on how we look. We stop caring. We turn to what’s easy and comfortable. Prolonged long enough, you then fall in ‘the rut.’ Often, altering one’s mood by enhancing wardrobe can be done. However, it generally only has short-term results if working on one’s emotional and mental state is not at play as well.”

“The study mentions that happy clothes include well-cut, figure-enhancing items made from bright and beautiful fabrics,” Heathman said. “To this, I ponder, isn’t this obvious? If something makes our figure look poor, we generally don’t like this and thus are unhappy about it. When we don’t like what we wear, we focus on it throughout the day. It takes away the focus from the daily tasks that are important—work, relationships, family. A woman should walk out of the door and not have to think about what she’s wearing for the rest of the day. You’d be amazed at how much mental energy is exhausted pondering about how we look.”

Overall she thinks the study could have gone more in-depth to provide more useful information. “I think the study lacks depth. What is revealed seems fairly obvious,” Heathman said. “I would be curious to hear why women choose to wear a hat more often when they are happy. Is it because it’s fun? Is it because it draws attention towards them? Also, the psychology of color comes into play much more than the study presents. I think it’s informative more than it is useful.”

Donna Stellhorn, a Feng Shui expert and author of 2012 Year of the Water Dragon, interprets the study from a unique perspective involving her experience with Feng Shui. For those who are unfamiliar with Feng Shui, it is “the study of how the environment affects those who dwell in it,” according to the American Feng Shui Institute website. The “science” of Feng Shui suggests that there are “different energies” in our planet, and learning how to balance these energies can help improve various aspects of life.

“In Feng Shui we understand how you dress is associated with the five elements. Each element has an energy, and we’ll gravitate to the energy that’s in harmony with how we feel at the moment,” Stellhorn said. “The study says when we’re feeling down we’re more likely to reach for jeans and loose-fitting tops. These boxy shapes relate to the Earth element, a desire for stillness and stability. There are five elements (Earth, Wood, Fire, Water, and Metal), each with an energy, feeling, and a related style. Besides the shape of clothes, also the color and material indicates the element. For instance, animal prints are associated with the Fire element and a desire to be noticed and feel alive.”

She said for men, color would probably be more of an indicator of emotional states. “Because men tend to stick to a limited wardrobe, emotional states can be read in the choices of colors and the slight changes in what they normally wear,” Stellhorn said. “Men who usually sport a T-Shirt and suddenly start wearing a button-down shirt in greens or browns has moved from the Earth element to Wood, showing a desire to grow, to add to their life financially and socially, they’ve become curious about the world.”

She agrees that jeans are less effort when people are already preoccupied with other areas of life. “It’s not that jeans specifically suggest sadness, but that the desire to throw on a pair of jeans can indicate that life’s been too chaotic, there are too many choices and we want some quiet stillness to contemplate what’s ahead,” Stellhorn said. “When we reach for jeans we want something familiar because things around us are stressful.”

Accessories can also affect mood, like the study suggests. “Women’s hats bring attention (from others and our own) to our heads and indicate a person with power,” Stellhorn said. “A man in a ball cap might be covering thinning hair, but by wearing the hat he feels more powerful and better able to interact in the world. Jewelry and handbags also bring an energy, and therefore an emotion, to the person.”

Linda Froiland, an image consultant and personal shopper, said in an email that jeans don’t need to always be associated with depression, although sometimes it can be difficult to find the perfect fit. “Jeans are not just for tennis shoes. If you have a great fitting pair in a dark wash they can be quite sexy with an elevated heel, high heel, or wedge shoes,” Froiland said. “I wear mine out dancing, dinners at friends or restaurants, shopping, everywhere really, but they fit like a glove and have attitude. I can honestly say I am not depressed when wearing jeans, nor are my clients once they know how they should fit, what they should look like, and what to pair them with.”

Rosa Mae Neel, a stylist for professionals and the founder of Prune, agrees with Froiland that jeans don’t necessarily mean depression. “In a place like New York, where women commonly spend up to $300 for a pair of jeans and wear them with heels and a sexy top to go out at night, jeans do not necessarily equal depressive state,” Neel said. “Perhaps in other parts of the country or for older generations, jeans that are not designer jeans and that are more comfortable than flattering are a go-to for depressive states. Again, blousy tops can be trendy and hip if expensive or worn with gusto, or they can be a medium through which to hide extra pounds or negative feelings.”

Froiland said that clothing can be important in not only affecting mood but also in making impressions on other people. “Whenever I talk to a group, large or small, I always start out my presentation with telling everyone that ‘It’s in less than 3 minutes someone has already decided who and what you are. First by your appearance (87%), second your body language (8%), and then your verbal communication (5%). It takes another 20 times meeting that person to change that original perception,’” Froiland said. “So the value in our clothing is profound.”

Caroline Adams Miller, a professional coach, author of “Creating Your Best Life” and a graduate of University of Pennsylvania’s Master’s in Applied Positive Psychology program, said in an email that baggy clothes in general can indicate more of a lackluster mood. “Baggy jeans that could be perceived as asexual probably don’t correlate with happiness unless paired with more individualistic shirts or accessories,” Miller said. “The baggy tops reference doesn’t surprise me because they would ‘hide’ someone, and unhappy people don’t want to interact with people—they want to ruminate and be alone, and these clothing choices are perfect indicators of not feeling worthy of being ‘seen.’”

She believes that men could be affected by clothing choices as well, although they might put more effort into choosing a car to express their personality and mood. “I do believe that many men use clothing to express and change their moods, though, so I think a future study would find similar results,” Miller said.

Overall she believes the study makes sense and that there is a real connection between clothing and mood. “The science of happiness has found that we have ‘positive interventions’ that can change our mood, and when we deliberately intervene on our happiness by wearing things that evoke positive feelings, positive reactions from others, or that remind you of positive experiences, you will be happier,” Miller said.

Related articles:
Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
Seven Mistakes People Often Make When They Get Depressed
Depression as Trickster and Communicator

One of the cornerstones of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the concept of workability. The aim of ACT is for our clients to create a rich, meaningful, and vibrant life. Workability is how we determine whether a client’s behaviors are serving that end. Usually, people know when their behaviors are not working for them, but because they are often fused with their thoughts, they may have a hard time acting any other way. Instead of bringing them closer to the life they want, their behaviors are more or less a means of struggling with or avoiding painful thoughts and feelings. To demonstrate how this might appear in a therapy session I’d like to present the case of Samantha (Of course names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality):

Samantha is in her late twenties, single, no children, has her own apartment in a suburban neighborhood, a cat, a steady job for the last year and a half, an unused gym membership, and hasn’t been on a date in four years. She complains about her female co-workers being “fake” and “slutty” yet she secretly wants to be like them and to be liked by them. Any time an opportunity arises where she is invited to attend a happy hour with work people, she has an excuse not to attend. She then goes home and cries before opening a pint of ice cream and watching pre-recorded episodes of “fill-in-the-blank-reality-television.” (more…)

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to spend time with a pair of friends who both enjoy a healthy self-esteem, you’ve noticed how positive their relationship tends to be.

High-self-esteem friendships have the following qualities:

• The relationship is based on mutual affection and respect.
• Competition is low and support is high.
• Interactions are positive more often than negative.
• Disagreements don’t put the friendship in jeopardy.
• Apologies are heartfelt on both sides.

High self-esteem always includes esteem for others, too. Unlike arrogance, conceit, egotism, or self-centeredness, which are sometimes mistaken for high self-esteem, authentic self-esteem celebrates our shared humanity. People with genuine self-esteem make those around them feel good.

Since it promotes connection and closeness between friends, high self-esteem friendships are nurturing. The bond of self- and other-esteem makes both friends feel safe and comfortable.

Unfortunately, safe and comfortable is not how people feel when their self-esteem is injured. In fact, those with low self-esteem typically operate on a perpetual setting of unsafe and uncomfortable. You might think this would mean that they would leap at the chance to be friends with people with high self-esteem, because the high self-esteemers could help them feel safe and comfortable for a change.

This is not what happens.

What happens is that people become friends with those whose self-esteem most closely matches their own. So folks suffering with low self-esteem tend to attract others with the same problem. Similarly, like that old saying, “The rich get richer,” people with high self-esteem stick together. Here are these lucky people who already enjoy the pleasures of high self-esteem, and they get to have nurturing, satisfying, close relationships with their friends.

Meanwhile, those whose self-esteem has them constantly questioning their own worth, feeling unsafe and uncomfortable in relationships, stick to what is familiar by having friendships in which they can never feel truly safe and comfortable. By safe, I’m talking mostly about psychological safety rather than physical safety. But regardless of the kind of safety, we all seek familiarity. If we grew up feeling unsafe and uncomfortable, we’d keep getting drawn into situations that help us stay with what we know—in this case, lack of safety and comfort.

If this sounds at all familiar to you, here are some tips to help you break the cycle of unfulfilling friendships and low self-esteem:

Try not to take disagreements personally. If your friend doesn’t agree with you, or has a strong opinion that’s different from yours, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or even that he/she believes you’re wrong. It’s just as likely that your friend is worried that he’s/she’s wrong, and his/her strong language is just a mask to hide that fact. Refuse to feel smaller than your friend. Try not to be too sensitive to what he/she says.

Take the risk of losing the friendship if necessary. When you are continually stood up, ridiculed, or criticized, take the risk of letting your friend know how you feel, and why. If they value the relationship enough to change how they treat you, you’ll have improved your friendship. If they don’t have enough respect for themselves or you to respond appropriately, you will not have lost anything when you walk away.

Do not put up with verbal abuse. Create a boundary that is fixed, firm, and final, and share that boundary. For instance: “If you make a remark about my body one more time, I’m going home.” Be prepared to have your boundary tested, because it will be. Make sure you follow through with exactly what you said you would do, 100% of the time. If you don’t follow through, you must accept some responsibility for the treatment you continue to receive.

Realize that having a friend is not always better than having no friends. The best friend you have, or should have, is you. Yes, it’s a cliche: Be your own best friend. But like all cliches, it’s based on something true: as long as you’re there for yourself, you’re never alone. Having a friend who brings you down instead of building you up is more harmful than having no friends for a while.

Explore the possibility of sharing more of yourself. Sometimes our relationships are psychologically safer than we realize. That is, with some friends it might actually be okay to let our guard down a bit, and share your more intimate, vulnerable sides.

• If you normally listen rather than talk, try talking about how you feel to a friend with whom you feel comfortable.
• If you normally talk about, but don’t typically show, your emotions, try showing them.
• Allow your tears to come if they want to.
• Don’t stop talking when your voice shakes.
• Let a friend see you sweat when you’re nervous.
• Notice when you’re not being yourself around your friend.

You are normal. You are okay. You’re interesting and valuable exactly as you are. There is nothing wrong with you. Look to your friendships to help convince you of these things. Lose or change those friendships that don’t.