If infidelity has happened to you (emotional, physical, or both), you don’t have to go running to an attorney right away. Of course, separation or divorce is always an option, both now and in the future.

If you are like many people who have been betrayed, you may be in a state of shock and disbelief and feel as if your entire world has been turned upside down. Perhaps you have always told yourself you would never stay with someone who had an affair, that you don’t deserve to be treated this way and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Perhaps you have always believed you would end your marriage in a heartbeat, simply out of self-respect.

And now the topic seems to be everywhere—on television, on the radio, or just among others who talk about “kicking a cheater to the curb.” If you have disclosed the infidelity to friends or family, it is not uncommon for well-meaning loved ones to advise leaving right away, or perhaps to offer a spare bedroom or the name of an excellent lawyer.

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But you also don’t instantly stop loving this person, and the word “cheater” does not encompass the complexity or entirety of who your partner is.

As a couples therapist, I am often asked for my advice in these situations about whether to leave. My answer is always the same: “This is a highly personal decision that is not mine to make.” That said, I do recommend that people give themselves permission to slow down and gather information in order to make a grounded and thoughtful decision.

We know from Dr. John Gottman’s research that someone who has been betrayed by their primary romantic partner very often experiences symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress (PTSD). We also know it is unwise to make major life decisions when in the midst of a crisis and not thinking clearly. Among other things, these PTSD symptoms may include intrusive thoughts of text or email exchanges, disturbing visual images of sexual acts, mood swings, irritability, and an inability to experience positive emotions.

These symptoms can make it nearly impossible to continue to function. Betrayed partners often find themselves doubting what is real and what is not, especially when there has been denial and defensiveness from the person who did the betraying. There can be a loss of trust in their partner, and even in their own perceptions, feeling as if they have failed in their ability to judge the character of their spouse.

As with any trauma, safety and self-care need to be the priorities. Step one is to normalize your full range of emotions and pain. It is normal to want to leave, and it is normal to feel a whole range of reactions including anger, anxiety, depression, suspiciousness, and general overwhelm. It is also normal to want to stay to work things out.

Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.

It is important to recognize you are not alone. Although 90% of Americans say adultery is morally wrong, many families have secrets behind closed doors. One study found that approximately 23% of men and 19% of women in heterosexual marriages have had sexual affairs. These statistics are consistent with many other studies, although it is difficult to gather data about affairs because of the inherent secrecy and stigma of the issue. It may be more prevalent than studies show.

As unbearable as this pain is, and as difficult as it may be to see a way to get past it, a common mistake is a belief you have to “get out quick.” It is rarely this simple. You might still be in love, have children, or be living a life together that is integrally intertwined. Whatever your situation, there is often a confusing mix of strong emotions and feelings of ambivalence.

As you are weighing your options, you might only be looking at two extremes: (1) separation or (2) trying to forgive and move on. We have learned from relationship researchers that these extreme options are too difficult for most people in the immediate aftermath of such a traumatic event.

A third option is to make the decision together with your partner. A couples therapist or other professional trained in affair recovery can help the two of you process what happened, provide education, and give you a safe space to explore your options. You don’t have to know what you want before asking for help. Much of what we do is to guide couples in the decision-making process. You might benefit from learning what the journey would look like and hearing more about where your partner is emotionally. Your feelings might change as a result.

Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.

There are, of course, other times couples decide to peacefully dissolve their union. This can be done respectfully and thoughtfully, especially if they wait until after the initial shock of the trauma. Energy can be placed into co-parenting—if there are children—or amicably separating property, thus reducing the risk of harm for all parties.

Ultimately, this decision lies with you and your partner. If you take your time to find clarity and make an informed and grounded decision, you may be more likely to feel the sense of peace you desperately seek.

References:

1. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). Healing a Relationship from an Affair-Research Training Manual. The Gottman Institute.
2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
3. Mark, K.P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R.R. (2011, October). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21667234

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My husband and I have been together for five years and have a great marriage that includes a very satisfying and active sex life. I’ve never cheated on him, and to my knowledge he’s always been faithful to me. But I have always been a natural flirt. It’s almost instinctive. The words come out of my mouth before I even realize what they are sometimes, and I’ll touch someone’s arm or shoulder before I even realize I’ve done it.

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Part of it is that I’m a social butterfly, and my ease in relating to others has won me a lot of friends over the years. But the flirting gets me into trouble sometimes, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Don’t get me wrong: I flirt with my husband more than anyone. But I also flirt with other men (and even women sometimes) in front of him, and while he never said much about it in our first couple of years together, he tends to point it out a lot now, and has admitted it bothers him.

I want to respect my husband’s feelings, and I really don’t mean to hurt him. At the same time, by stifling what comes naturally to me, even when the flirting is innocuous, I feel like I am stifling an essential part of my personality. What can I do to reconcile this? —Flirting with Disaster

Dear Flirting with Disaster,

So your flirtatious behavior is hurtful to your partner, you know it, and you’re doing it anyway. What is the possible “disaster” you allude to? Is it breaking up with your husband or something else?

You say the flirting is innocuous, but I’m not so sure it is if it gets you into trouble with your husband. Accurate or not, from your words it sounds a bit like you’re looking for trouble.

Flirting comes naturally for you, and you feel you would be “stifling an essential part” of your personality if you didn’t flirt. Is it possible that using the label “natural flirt” to describe yourself—which sounds like talking up an enviable talent or skill—is a way for you to downplay the behavior and its potential ramifications? Being good at something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing to do.

You say you are a social butterfly and thus have a lot of friends. That is a good thing. How would you describe the “butterfly” part of yourself? Where does it come from? Do social butterflies always flirt? What would you lose if you didn’t flirt the way you do? Would people still like you and want to be around you?

You say the words sometimes come out of your mouth before you know you’re saying them. That can certainly lead to disaster. It might be worthwhile, in social situations, to train yourself to pause and think before you speak. I’d venture to say social success goes beyond the simple measures of how effortlessly you banter or many people you attract. Considering the implications of your words and behaviors before they become actions is an essential part of effective communication.

I don’t know much about you from your letter, but I have worked with people in therapy for whom flirting was a way of feeling close, reassured, important, and loved by others. It’s possible to have many friends and be lonely in certain ways. If I were your therapist, I would explore this possibility with you to see whether there might be some loneliness—perhaps emotional or existential rather than physical in nature—under the surface of your behavior.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous.

I’m not your therapist, of course, so I urge you to work with a therapist near you who can help you get to the root of all this. It may also be worthwhile to see a marriage counselor with your husband, as couples counseling can help you both open up safely and understand each other better. Sometimes, the most important part of communication is simply feeling heard, and therapy creates an impartial space for that to happen.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous. He may feel belittled. Many people wouldn’t like being in that position. Perhaps your aim is to tease him? If it is, does he know that? Does it matter?

What does his anger mean to you? Does it make you mad at him? Do you resent him or feel he’s overreacting? Do you listen, acknowledge his feelings, and pledge to honor them? Where do things go off track?

I guess I’m concerned that flirting with others is already causing problems in your marriage, and those problems may grow. It’s easier to work on problems before they get too big, or entrenched, in a relationship. Relationship problems tend to worsen if they are not addressed. Where might that lead in your case?

Do I sound a little extreme? Maybe. But something in what you’re not saying makes me hear an alarm bell going off between the lines.

Thank you for writing bravely and honestly about this issue and how you’re contributing to it. I hope you find a solution, perhaps with the help of counseling, so that you and your husband can enjoy many mutually happy years together.

Sincerely,

Lynn

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

You have to help me—I feel like I’m living a terrible nightmare! I am not the type to snoop, but recently I’ve been seeing signs my husband might be gay. There’s what I think is evidence on his phone of random meetups with men, pictures … and even one lengthy text exchange with a man at his company. I didn’t read the whole conversation, but it seems to be a developing relationship. They were flirting and talking about feelings, “seeing where this goes.”

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I’m devastated and confused, and unsure where to turn. My husband and I are rarely intimate, which is an issue we were trying to work on, since we’ve talked about starting a family. I still thought we cared about each other deeply. We get along well, laugh a lot, and typically have a policy of honesty with one another. Or I thought we did. We were good friends before getting together, and we always talked and shared everything. I do remember, years ago, him saying he’d had a fantasy about being with another guy, and I believe I responded supportively and nonjudgmentally. It wasn’t like I thought he was going to actually cheat on me, let alone with a man. I just thought it was a fantasy. I have fantasies of my own that I would never act out.

He doesn’t know I saw his phone, and I don’t know how to confront him about it all. I can’t imagine living with this information and just waiting for him to bring it up himself. Can we work through this? —Dazed and Confused

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Dazed,

It sounds like there are a couple of issues to tackle here. I hear your concerns about your husband’s sexual orientation, and I also hear some deep pain at the prospect of his cheating or being dishonest with you. Both sound like they are causing you significant distress.

I’d like to start first with the cheating issue. The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating and hard to come back from. No matter the circumstances, if you fear your husband has been unfaithful, or is even considering being unfaithful, that is a painful feeling to sit with. Staying silent is not likely to bring peace of mind. Waiting for him to bring it up leaves you in a holding pattern that can make you feel powerless. Confronting him, however, brings its own set of fears. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who can help you navigate through all of this with you as you decide what path to follow.

If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

As to your original concern, wondering if your husband is gay, that lends an additional layer of complexity to your situation. If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

Regardless, right now you are operating on suspicions, but without bringing your husband into the conversation there’s a huge missing piece. Perhaps he is, in fact, gay. Perhaps he wants to stay married and start a family, and also explore relationships with men. Without talking with him, you won’t know what he is thinking, which leaves you trying to respond to a situation with incomplete information.

You do have an opportunity to decide for yourself what your limits are and what you need in order to feel able to stay in a relationship with your husband. Talking with a therapist can help you gain clarity about what your needs and boundaries are. As for your final question—can you work through it?—that depends entirely on the two of you and whether your relationship can meet both of your needs. Figuring that out will require open and honest conversations, perhaps with a counselor who has worked with couples facing similar issues.

Best of luck,

Erika

I hear from so many men and women whose marriages and relationships are in crisis. “How did I get here?” they wonder. We all know it takes two to tango. What we may overlook is our ability to ignore warning signs. Upon further analysis of the relationship in counseling, we may wonder what messages we missed and what we can learn from them.

Take, for instance, the woman who is thinking of divorce because she found out her husband is having an affair, one of many she has recently discovered. While her husband’s behavior and choices lend evidence to his lack of respect for her, we can also find small clues along the way that she may have dismissed—red flags, if you will, signaling danger.

One night, a few years back, her husband was on the phone late at night. When she asked who he was talking to, he gave a general answer about work. She immediately felt the hairs on the back of her neck go up, and her stomach flip-flopped. She had an intuitive feeling he was not being truthful. In order to keep the peace, however, she said nothing further.

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The next time she felt that same distressing sense, he did not call her for his nightly check-in when he was on a business trip. She had already been uneasy that he was going to dinner with both female and male colleagues and having after-dinner drinks. When he didn’t call her as usual, she called him but got no answer. She texted him but got no answer. She stayed up extra late to wait for his response, but it didn’t come. A nagging feeling told her something wasn’t right, but when he came home and minimized the missed calls and texts as her “overreacting,” she felt foolish for thinking anything could be wrong with their relationship.

Another time, she found a gift of female lingerie in her husband’s gym bag. She chose to say nothing, hoping the lingerie would wind up being a surprise for her. She waited. And waited. She eventually brought it up and received a strange answer that didn’t sit well with her, nor make any sense. Yet she ignored her feeling that danger was near.

When she eventually found out he was having affairs, she exclaimed, “I knew it!”

So why do we ignore the red flags in our relationships? I think there are several answers, and all of them are complicated by love, devotion, and sacrifice.

Often, we don’t want to know the truth. We would have to change something—our lives, the place we live, our finances, perhaps even ourselves—if we found out the truth.

First, we ignore red flags because we are afraid they are telling the true, painful story. We may ask questions of our partner about their behavior and receive answers, but we leave the answers alone even if they don’t quite fit. Often, we don’t want to know the truth. We would have to change something—our lives, the place we live, our finances, perhaps even ourselves—if we found out the truth. That can simply be too exhausting to think about. Even if we are certain it’s happening, we don’t want our partner to say they are having an affair because of what that would mean for us, our families, and our lives.

Second, we ignore red flags because we think our intuition is wrong. It simply cannot be right. So we engage in denial and carry on as if nothing is wrong because it’s easier to deny than to go through the pain of conflict. Surely your beloved partner would NEVER do that to you, right? They vowed they wouldn’t. We ignore our gut feelings, signs of disconnection, inappropriate conversations, and foggy details. We assume, after hearing our partner’s explanation, that we must be “crazy” and their explanation is the complete truth. Challenging our intuition is a dangerous game because it blocks us from knowing primal truths.

Third, we ignore red flags because we have been indoctrinated to believe that marriage and committed relationships are hard work. As a couple, you are supposed to struggle and compromise, right? Marriage and relationships are indeed hard work, but they shouldn’t be so hard that you feel disrespected and at war with your own intuition.

When I ask people in counseling, “What red flags did you choose to ignore?” most often I get a puzzled expression that turns into a knowing look and then to acknowledgment. Upon reflection, most of us know what we ignored and allowed.

For a clearer picture of your relational distress, ask yourself what you are ignoring and denying. Are you brave enough to see the red flags? And finally, do you have the courage to do the arduous work of repair or healing?

Alex traveled frequently for work. Ashley never questioned what he did on his business trips. She trusted him. When Alex revealed he’d been having an affair with a coworker with whom he traveled, Ashley was devastated. Her entire world crashed in on her. At first she felt shock and disbelief. How could this have happened to her? Was this really happening? Every morning upon awakening, it hit her—waves of pain pounding down on her heart. It was a nightmare she couldn’t shake.

The hurt and sadness were overwhelming. The grief felt as if “something” had died. And then she realized: it was her innocence. She would never again have that feeling of carefree and absolute trust in her partner.

Anxiety and panic stalked her even when she wasn’t thinking about it. Her mind raced with questions: “Was my 19-year marriage a sham? Did Alex ever really love me? How could he have done this to me? Where was the trustworthy, loyal man I married? Do I really know who he is?”

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Within the first three weeks, she lost nine pounds. She couldn’t eat. Sleeping through the night was a challenge. She felt depressed. Every television show seemed to be about infidelity. She couldn’t get away from it.

Alex, for his part, felt terrible. The weight of his guilt was almost unbearable. He watched Ashley’s suffering and did his best to comfort her. She vacillated between wanting to be held closely and desiring to shove him away. He beat himself up daily. Desperate to save his marriage, he finally convinced Ashley to go to marriage counseling with him.

Bob and I saw them in co-counseling as a team. On their first therapy visit, we listened to their heart-wrenching story and saw two people “dripping in pain.” They asked us if there was hope to save their marriage. We told them yes, that we’d worked with many couples who’d come in as the result of an affair; if they did the necessary work and persevered over time, their marriage could not only survive, it could be stronger than it was before the affair. We asked them to borrow our hope until they felt it themselves.

Over the next 18 months, they came to weekly sessions. In the safety of our therapy room, we helped them face and walk through the pain they experienced. Alex honestly answered any and all questions Ashley had, even when it felt punishing and at times arduous. He patiently listened to and empathized with her anger and hurt, even when every cell in his body wanted her to move on from it.

Alex reflected upon how and why he’d made the choices that almost ended his marriage and family. He faced his feelings about his father cheating on his mother and expressed how disappointed he was in himself since he never wanted to be “that guy.”

Ashley worked hard on learning how to express herself in a way Alex could hear. She became less critical and owned her thoughts and feelings. She asked for what she needed instead of expecting Alex to read her mind.

She allowed herself to feel empathy for Alex’s pain when he described his feelings of self-loathing and disappointment in his behavior.

Ashley learned about the meaning of forgiveness; it didn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning Alex’s behavior. Forgiveness meant letting go of her anger and pain about the affair, so she could move forward.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

The two of them explored the history of their marriage and how insidiously they drifted apart, became more like roommates, and took each other for granted. Their primary focus on raising kids and building careers resulted in less time and attention to their marriage. They faced the fact their marriage became vulnerable to an affair as a result, though Alex owned the choice he made to stray.

Together, Alex and Ashley discussed ways to create a deeper connection, emotionally and sexually. They learned to communicate more genuinely and express themselves authentically even in the most difficult times. They learned to manage conflict instead of escalating or avoiding it. They worked on creating habits of connecting daily and appreciating each other. They opened up about their sexual needs and desires even though it was awkward at first.

When a partner’s affair is exposed, there is a seismic shift in the foundation of their relationship. Without warning, the earth trembles and large cracks appear. Though the shaking may last only for seconds, the aftershocks are felt for days, weeks, and months. The ground is forever changed.

Though some couples separate, there is a great chance of survival if both partners have the earnest desire, patience, and emotional fortitude to do the work. Therapy helps couples face the trauma together, work toward understanding and forgiveness, and create an even deeper connection than existed before.

It took time, work, and patience, but Alex and Ashley both agreed it was worth the effort. They were grateful they had not impulsively separated.

It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but couples can and do survive affairs. If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, take your time before making any impulsive decisions. Find a therapist who specializes in marriage, affairs, and relationships for yourself and/or you and your partner.

Note: Names and details have been altered to protect confidentiality.

I define an emotional affair as a relationship in which one or both parties are involved in another significant relationship where there is emotional intimacy, sexual chemistry, and romantic feelings, without the relationship having been consummated.

Recent research indicates that 76% of Americans consider a secret emotional relationship to constitute a form of infidelity, highlighting just how seriously these connections are viewed. Frequently in emotional affairs, the partner who didn’t have the affair experiences the same degree of betrayal and breach of trust as he or she would if a spouse had a physical affair. Research shows that individuals often view emotional infidelities as more hurtful than sexual infidelities. At times, an emotional affair can feel even more damaging because someone else has met the partner’s emotional needs.

It can also be helpful to understand that an affair is often not only a discrete event, but a signal that something in the relationship system has broken down. While this does not excuse the betrayal or the pain it causes, emotional and physical affairs alike frequently emerge in relationships where partners feel unable, unsafe, or unequipped to address growing disconnection, unmet needs, or conflict directly.

Current studies show that roughly 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and your relationship can most certainly survive and perhaps even become even closer than it was before the affair.

At the same time, recovery is not only about repairing the rupture caused by the affair itself. It also involves examining the underlying emotional, structural, and communication patterns that may have created the conditions in which the affair developed. In fact, recent research from 2023 found that nearly 46% of unfaithful partners and 36% of betrayed partners believed their relationship ultimately improved after working through the affair.

Here are some tips to get you back on track:

Tip 1: Be willing to look at the affair in the context of your relationship.

Emotional affairs often start because emotional needs are unmet, the person has low self-esteem, and connecting with others online is a very easy process. Many people in unhappy relationships feel unheard, disconnected and unwanted. If one person is looking outside the relationship to get emotional needs met, it may be likely that person’s needs aren’t being met within the primary relationship. Be willing to honestly consider what had been going on in your significant relationship prior to the beginning of the affair.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

“Joanne” and “Jeff,” both teachers at an international school, recently came to see me for therapy because Jeff had an emotional affair with Eileen, another teacher at the school. When Eileen was in the process of separating from her husband, Jeff had become her confidant, and the relationship deepened from there.

When Joanne found out about the affair, she was furious, hurt, and felt out of control. She made going to therapy a condition of continuing the relationship. As we began to work together, it was revealed that Joanne had given birth to the couple’s first child a year ago. Since that time, Jeff reported feeling left out and uncared for as Joanne had been preoccupied with the baby’s needs. He was missing the easy companionship and enjoyable sex they had before. However, he never told this to Joanne, and she had no way of knowing how Jeff was feeling.

Here, the context of the relationship was the birth of the couple’s first child and Jeff’s feelings of isolation and exclusion when Joanne’s attention was diverted to their baby. Because he didn’t share this with Joanne, his emotional needs went unmet within their relationship. Once this came out in therapy, Joanne was able to acknowledge Jeff’s feelings, and together they came up with strategies for Joanne to meet Jeff’s emotional needs and vice versa.

In this way, the affair can be understood as disrupting an existing pattern that had already been fostering disconnection. While the behavior itself is harmful and must be addressed, it can also bring into focus the relationship habits, avoided conversations, and unmet needs that were present beforehand. Exploring these patterns allows couples to move beyond blame and toward a more complete understanding of their shared dynamic.

Tip 2: Talk about your feelings and needs with your partner without judgment or blame.

This is often easier said than done when strong feelings are present. Accusations can be flung, which rarely help couples resolve anything.

For many couples, these moments are especially difficult because they touch on long-standing fears, including fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of destabilizing the relationship. As a result, important issues may have gone unspoken even before the affair. Developing clear boundaries and building the capacity to tolerate the discomfort of honest conversations are essential steps in changing this pattern.

When I work with couples, I teach a communication model called [nonviolent communication NVC, or compassionate communication as I prefer to call it. Recent research from 2024 shows that NVC training has improved interpersonal relationships among healthcare professionals, reduced workplace conflict, and promoted a culture of empathy and cooperation in high-stress environments.

Using this model, couples learn how to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other without blame, then to make a request of their partner, which can be answered yes or no. I find when people take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and communicate them directly to their partners, they can be heard in a non-defensive way because there is no judgment involved.

It is a very simple model that looks like this:

Observation: I make an observation about what I heard or saw the other person say or do, like a video camera recording the action. A video camera has no judgment or blame; it’s simply recording. The statement starts with, “When you do or say ________ …”

Feelings: I name the feeling I experienced as a result of the observation. An example would be, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt and misunderstood.”

Needs: This refers to common human needs that we all experience. Examples are needs for acceptance, love, understanding, collaboration, harmony, happiness, peace, etc. Now the model looks like, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt because I have a need for respect and understanding.”

Request: I then make a request of the other person that can be answered yes or no, using the phrase, “Would you be willing to ________?”

In Jeff and Joanne’s case, after the sentence in the third category of the model (needs), I would ask, “Would you be willing to talk with me more about this without blaming me so I can better understand what you mean?” This puts the whole conversation in a different light and can elicit a very different response than when I’m simply told, “You don’t care about me.”

When an emotional affair has occurred in a relationship, it’s essential that both partners learn to express delicate and vulnerable feelings without judgment so they can get past the accusation phase and arrive at some solutions.

This process is most effective when couples work to move away from rigid roles of villain and victim. While accountability remains crucial, lasting repair often depends on each partner’s willingness to examine both the impact of the affair and the broader relational context in which it occurred.

Tip 3: Be open to coming up with new strategies to solve the underlying problem.

In Joanne and Jeff’s case, the underlying problem was that, since the birth of their son, Jeff had felt excluded and hurt by what he perceived to be Joanne’s inattentiveness. Because Jeff didn’t want to feel more vulnerable, he didn’t express his feelings to Joanne. They first needed to identify the problem and then communicate their feelings and needs to each other.

The rupture caused by an affair, while painful, can also serve as an opportunity to intentionally rebuild the relationship with a healthier framework. This may include redefining boundaries, clarifying expectations, and asking an important question: “What kind of relationship do we each want to create moving forward?” Answering this together can help shift the focus from simply repairing damage to actively designing a more connected and resilient partnership.

Research on trust rebuilding shows that it is a gradual process requiring patience and consistent effort, with both partners needing to feel internal “pro-relationship” motivation rooted in care for their partner.

This paved the way for them to strategize about effective solutions. Jeff might have said, “When I come home from work and tell you about my day and you don’t listen, I feel hurt and dismissed because I have a need to be heard. Would you be willing to tell me when would be a good time for us to talk if you’re busy with the baby?”

Joanne, for her part, would have heard it was important to Jeff to talk about his day, and she may have been willing to make another time. When Jeff swallowed his feelings instead of expressing them, there was no way for Joanne to know there was a problem, so of course no solution could be reached.

Recent studies on relationship interventions show that most couples who receive evidence-based therapy obtain significant results in improving relationship satisfaction, with these effects often sustained at follow-up. Indeed, a relationship can survive an emotional affair if both partners are committed to finding a way past it.

Ultimately, healing from an emotional affair involves holding two truths at once: acknowledging and working through the real hurt and breach of trust, while also examining the relational patterns that made disconnection possible. When couples are able to do both, they are better positioned not only to recover, but to create a relationship that feels more secure, open, and intentional.

If you find this too difficult to do on your own, often just a few sessions of couples therapy can kick-start the process. Meta-analyses show that couples therapy is effective for improving relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and emotional intimacy.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

• Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
• Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
• Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
• Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
• Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
• Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
• Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
• Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
• Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

References:

1. Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
2. Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
3. Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
4. Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
5. Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
6. Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
7. Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
8. Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
9. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

I recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

1. I have something to tell you.
2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it hurt your feelings, to say the least, when your husband laughed at your request to remove the woman from his Facebook friends list. I also think that, while your feelings are very understandable, this woman is in some ways a red herring for both of you. My sense is that something is missing from the marriage and your feeling undervalued might be there with or without the online classmate. Somehow, his flirtation only exacerbated a feeling of disrespect and devaluing—a big “ouch” for anyone.

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First of all, “extremely flirtatious” sounds concerning. From what you saw, did it stray into the sexually explicit? Did they toy with the idea of taking things a step further—“Hey, at the next class reunion, you and I will have our own private stroll down memory lane,” or something along those lines? It is hard to make a judgment about this secondhand, though again the important thing is your hurt feelings and the sense of being in second place (yikes). We all want to feel we’re “the one” with our partner. I also, though, wonder if his leaving it open for you to read was an unconscious communication of a kind, a signal to you that he wants these kinds of conversations with you and not her. An indirect distress call of sorts, or maybe even a protest bordering on the passive-aggressive. If this is truly a “secretive” relationship, he’s not being very secretive about it.

As for marital drift, I can’t tell you how common an issue this is for long-term marriages. Routine and day-to-day security is a double-edged sword: it is comforting, but it can dull our appreciation of who we’re with. We feel secure in knowing what to expect, that our partner is there for us, day in and day out … and may also begin to wish for something a little more vivid and emotionally satisfying, since our partner is always there day in and day out. Routines both soothe and lull us into complacency. Plus, if someone is “always there,” there may be little urgency regarding sex. Sex and physical intimacy (touching, cuddling) can wait until later, or the next day, tomorrow, maybe this weekend, next week … etc. Perhaps, then, this incident is an opportunity to rekindle something. Your husband obviously means a great deal to you, and I have the feeling a little freshness in the romance department could liven things up.

I’m thinking of at least two things to possibly try, depending on the state of affairs. First, more superficially, you could try something spontaneous that you both find a turn-on, something outside the usual routine—a weekend getaway somewhere you both like, some lingerie or a sexy movie you can watch together (and no, we’re never too old), back rubs, an old role-playing game you haven’t tried in a while. These are just some of the first things that come to mind. Laughter, too, can be sexy. Perhaps you both need a night out at the comedy club, or dance lessons (my wife’s favorite), followed by a nice dinner while sharing memories. There’s also massage: a foot rub with massage lotion can do wonders, taking a bath together with candles, and so on. Again, these are more surface things, but sometimes a little spark is all that’s needed.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Or it could be that what’s needed is way of addressing the depths of your feelings and the concern over a strained connection; you may want to sit him down, at a time that works for both of you, and spell out as calmly and non-accusingly as you can what it is you feel and would like to see happen, to make sure he really understands your concerns and how this episode has hurt. I recommend approaching this as partners who are seeking to strengthen the bonds of “the team.” (Rather than “you’re my problem here,” it’s “distance is our problem here.”) Try to keep the focus on you as much as you can, rather than that online woman. He is married to you, not her, but you’re not feeling it lately. You miss him as the man you love, and want to feel him as your chosen partner, not (I’m just guessing) your roommate. You can also mention that when he laughs and dismisses the idea, it feels minimizing and perhaps even abandoning.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Try asking him for his perspective, and—here’s the hard part—try and listen as openly as you can. Imagine, for a moment, you are a friend and not his wife. Is there something bugging him about the relationship? What does he think may be going on here? What was it he found with this friend and not you that can, hopefully, be sparked in the marriage? Does he understand how hurtful it was to stumble upon this online “chat”? I hope that such a dialogue would strengthen your bond, since hurt feelings can also be a catalyst for a couple’s coming closer together with deeper understanding.

It is often a turn-on to feel one’s partner understands how they feel, what they desire, and what hurts. Then we have not just a partner but an ally, someone in our corner who knows our heart, warts and all, and loves and accepts us for who we are. I hope you and your husband are able to find some of this … and there’s no shame in seeking out some couples counseling if the two of you need a little assistance sharing and hearing each other. Sometimes, even just a handful of sessions, with a focus on empathic and reflective listening, can help.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for bravely writing!
Darren

Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line?

If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair.

Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”.

Emotional infidelity is a real concern for many people. In a Chapman University study earlier this year, researchers found 65% of heterosexual women and 46% of heterosexual men were likely to be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs typically start out as friendships, making it difficult to discern when you actually cross the line. If you have developed a close relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re worried it might negatively impact your existing relationship, take an honest look at your feelings, intentions, and actions. Are you having an affair? Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

If you are still unsure whether or not you have moved from a friendship to something more, here are 14 telltale signs of an emotional affair:[fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker—so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner—you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for one particular person, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special.

4. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

5. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

6. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you are going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, it may prove you are making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you are dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives, as they may not be as innocent as you think.

7. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation.

8. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might be a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

9. You really understand each other.

You feel like the other person “gets” you. You have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar. You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection. If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

10. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

11. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then you may be feeling a romantic attraction to that person.

12. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person is around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

13. You start having fantasies or dreams.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or start having romantic dreams about them, this may be a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

14. You would be upset if the situation were reversed.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you would be upset about it, then that may be an indication that your behavior is inappropriate and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it can be easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you are concerned you might be having an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist who can help you both process and share your feelings and perspective.

Reference:

1. Ledbetter, S. (2015, January 5). Chapman University publishes research on jealousy – Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. Retrieved from https://blogs.chapman.edu/press-room/2015/01/05/chapman-university-publishes-research-on-jealousy-impact-of-sexual-vs-emotional-infidelity

Thank you for your question. It does indeed sound as though the vice-like grip of guilt has taken hold. Painful, indeed. As Pete Campbell from Mad Men said in the show’s final season regarding having an extramarital fling or affair, “It feels good, and then it doesn’t.”

I suppose some might advise you to not tell your wife under any circumstances, that telling her can only cause grievous harm and would only be for your own benefit (such is the certainty of most advice columnists). This may prove to be the wisest path, although before I personally go there, I would be curious about a couple of things. First, what is it that prompted you to stray? It could be any number of things, both general to early marriage and specific to you personally. What stressors were present in and outside the relationship? Some who have experienced past relational injuries or trauma (in childhood, for example) can, later in adult life, find sustained marital intimacy challenging, to the point where some feelings and desires appear or feel “shameful”—needs that, it seems, can be met only outside the relationship, which unfortunately ends most often in regret, guilt, and more shame.

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What might have been causing distance between the two of you? And are any of those issues present today? Assuming it always takes two, what do you imagine to be your “side” of the issue—and has this problem or obstacle been resolved? Is this aspect of the relationship (on either side) still an issue?

Could this be what is bothering you today, that this “part” of yourself (however it manifests) might still be unacceptable to your wife, and that by sharing about the affair you’re also testing to see if this particular aspect of yourself is accepted by your wife?

Or is it that you were a different person then, and that this past issue has no bearing on the relationship as it exists today, but that you’re anticipating possible fallout if she were to find out … so better to just come clean?

If the problem no longer exists, it may be wiser to sort it out with your own conscience before taking the complicated and highly unpredictable step of discussing it with your wife, assuming you decide to do so. I think it would be hard to say if or when she would forgive you; she might, but she might not, or it might take years. You, of course, know her better than I do. What is it you feel will help the relationship by telling her? If it is more a matter of your own conscience, is she the best person to offer forgiveness or redemption?

What is always keenly ironic to me is that sometimes partners will stray outside the relationship to “protect” the partner from those shameful or unwanted parts that we are sure will offend the other. We fear being too “needy,” too “kinky” in bed, too angry, too sad, and so on. Those emotional needs and feelings thus find a home outside the relationship, making it more likely that the relationship will suffer, possibly fatally.

Keep in mind your wife may very well, like many partners, take the affair as a rejection of her, proof of her own inadequacy still existing today. In other words, it’s quite possible the affair will feel to her—though it’s long over for you—as if it just happened. This will be new information for her, possibly turning the perception of the marriage on its head. I am curious as to what the benefit of this might be, given the risk. Perhaps deciding how you feel about the affair will make it easier to discuss with your wife, should you go that route. I don’t know that it would be up to her to resolve your own conscience on the matter.

In other words, you may not get the peace of mind and redemption you’re seeking, so perhaps it’s best to make peace with this as best you can before seeking out her forgiveness—because it could take months or years, and meanwhile you’ll be in the same pressure-packed boat while she figures out how to feel about it. Unless by telling her you feel you both might be “in the same boat”?

The other thing that occurred to me is that the impulse to tell her might, even unconsciously, be a way of creating distance again. Some might call it self-sabotage, though I’m not so crazy about that term as such sabotage might also be, on some level, protecting us from intolerable uncertainty and vulnerability. Again, if intimacy is challenging (as it is for most of us in one way or another), there is a part of us that both craves and fears closeness, lest the injuries or abandonments of the past play out again (not literally, but via new hurts or slights that press our old buttons). Maybe it’s as if you’re saying, “Well, OK, you love me, but do you really love me? Try this on for size!” This might spring from a historically recurring question of whether you really “deserve” the intimacy or love you crave and have found now. If it ain’t broke … as the old saying goes. But sometimes, our deep fear of injury or (symbolic) reinjury leads us to distance ourselves or evade our partner in all manner of ways. In other words, is this a genuine, heartfelt question or a desire to rock the boat in disguise? Maybe both?

Behind the morality of “do I or do I not deserve love” lies the deep fear of being rejected or exiled from our beloved, since we have so little control over the love given to us by others. Do you have a fear of receiving love in general, or dread sustained vulnerability? Could it be you are still upset with your wife about something, and telling her this news is a way of transmitting a feeling of betrayal you have felt but never expressed? If so, is there a different way of doing it, as the fact of the affair itself might well be a red herring, since the truth likely lies less with the what and more with the why of it.

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

It’s also true that infidelity often happens early in a relationship, where a sustained commitment of love and intimacy is frightening to a person. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen where one partner strayed shortly before or after an engagement or marriage, especially (ironically) when such engagement or marriage was something long-desired. The only thing scarier than not getting what you want, sometimes, is getting what you want.

The more I think about this, the more I think you are struggling with, quite possibly, an existential or highly personal rather than relational question. Before deciding whether to take it to your wife, try discussing this with a therapist (even if it’s only short-term), trusted friend, or spiritual counselor. My sense is that we first have to get right with our own conscience—or make best efforts—before handing that power over to someone who might need time to understand or get over their own hurt. A partner always has their own subjective filter, and it is hard to see how his or her perspective will or won’t align with ours. (It also occurs to me that your wife may end up forgiving you in a way that feels almost dismissive to you, like, “Well, it’s in the past, let’s move on,” which could feel dismissive of your current angst.)

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

You could even try writing out a “confession,” in as honest a way as possible, and then read it to yourself a few days later (or, again, to a trusted confidant). Then imagine being in her shoes and hearing it for the first time. You might ask, how does this serve the “we” and not just the “me”? Who might benefit, really; are you seeking a redemption that—for a while, at least—she may not be able to give? This way, you can make a decision, fraught with emotional risk, that you have thought through and reflected upon as best you can.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

With the intensity of the feelings you and your husband are experiencing, I imagine two weeks feels like a long time. In reality, and especially considering your husband’s preexisting trust issues, two weeks is a small blip on the radar. My sense is that it is going to take quite a bit more time and work to come back from this.

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Because it has only been a couple of weeks—and it does sound like there has been some progress made—it seems possible that you two might be able to work this through on your own. However, because trust has always been somewhat of an issue for your husband, it might be valuable to consider partnering with a couples therapist. Couples therapists are trained and experienced in working through issues very similar to the one you and your husband are experiencing.

Trust is not a static quality in relationships; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of a relationship based on personal insecurities, jealousy, life changes, actions that breach trust, and many other things. When the trust levels in a relationship are low, it is important for couples to acknowledge this and work on it. While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you are acknowledging the validity of your husband’s feelings and accepting your role in the situation. This, along with patience and a willingness to continue to work on healing—again, ideally with a therapist—is really all you can do. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to commit to the process of healing from this experience, as well as a deeper exploration of the trust issues he seems to have brought into your marriage. Getting to the root of his trust issues is an important part of your path forward together, and until you do that, continuing to have compassion for your husband and the pain of his past betrayal is important.

It sounds like recovering from this is going to be a longer and more painful process than you were expecting. While I can’t make any guarantees about outcomes, this could end up leading you and your husband to much deeper trust and greater intimacy.

Respectfully,

Sarah

Coping with an affair is one of the greatest challenges a couple might face. Some people choose not to try to cope and instead leave the relationship feeling devastated by unprocessed anger and hurt. Others choose to stay and find answers, potentially leading to reconnection and rediscovery.

Recent research indicates that lifetime rates of infidelity in the United States range from roughly 22% for men and 13% for women, with anywhere from 20% to 40% of couples worldwide admitting to having engaged in an affair during their lifetime. When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life. It takes time to reestablish trust. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it is possible to make a full recovery from an affair.

Research shows that approximately 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and recent studies demonstrate that structured therapeutic approaches can be globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex.

As a couples therapist, I’ve watched couples go through a five-step process while working through this difficult time. Results show that structured therapeutic methods are globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches. But to fully heal, you and your partner must go through each step together.

At each step, you will peel back the layers of your relationship, discussing what happened leading up to the affair. As you dig in deeper, you may realize that there were issues in the relationship and individually that contributed to the affair. Keeping these issues in mind will guide you as you address the real sources of the problems.

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Use each step below to guide your discovery of the true sources of problems in your relationship. The steps do not necessarily happen in order. However, each one is necessary and fundamental to the healing and rebuilding of your life together.

1. Apologies and Forgiveness

Before you can move forward, both people need to make the choice to remain in the relationship and work through things. It won’t be easy. It is imperative that the person who had the affair apologizes, and that the offended partner offers forgiveness.

The person who had the affair must offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must acknowledge the hurt and pain the other person is feeling. He or she must openly express empathy for the myriad emotions the other person is experiencing.

The person who was cheated on must forgive the affair. Research on forgiveness after infidelity shows that solidarity-oriented personality and perceived partner’s reconciliation motivation facilitate benign attributions and empathy, then facilitate higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which promotes emotional forgiveness. It’s this forgiveness that will allow reconnection to happen.

2. Commitment and Communication

Both partners must feel committed to each other. This commitment is significant as you move through the healing process.

Demonstrate your commitment of patience and time by listening to and openly communicating the “how” and “why” of the affair. Reassure each other that you will figure out how your relationship got to this point.

The goal is to discover the underlying factors and triggers that contributed to the affair. Some couples find the affair was a symptom of growing apart. Others find the affair stemmed from feeling disconnected and distant. Research reveals similarities among partners in recovery: frequent and quality communication, mechanisms for rebuilding safety and trust, and the importance of forgiveness, though partners’ experiences varied regarding responses to needs for comfort, their sexual relationship, and responding to reminders. Regardless of the reason, open communication and commitment to each other is necessary for getting to the root of what caused the affair.

3. Mourning the Affair

Grief and sadness are natural feelings after an affair. Experiencing and expressing the pile of emotions you’re going through is part of the healing process.

Allow the offended partner to express these feelings of betrayal and the emotional impact of the affair.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In the aftermath of betrayal, anger is often protective. It can create emotional distance when vulnerability feels too risky.”

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair.

4. Awakening and Rebuilding Trust

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair. In this stage, you will both awaken and recognize that the affair was a symptom of a problem, or problems, in the relationship.

As you work on repairing the underlying issues, you will rebuild trust and create a new sense of security and safety. Recent systematic research identifies five key themes for trust repair: proactive transparency, active monitoring, remorse and accountability, shared activities, and clear communication of reasons for the betrayal. Feelings that were never expressed may float to the surface. Issues that were never discussed will become a new part of the relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healing after infidelity isn’t about eliminating anger. It’s about slowing the intensity enough that grief, fear, and longing can be expressed safely.”

It’s during this stage that physical intimacy may be rekindled and emotional intimacy restored. The offended partner must feel reassured that he or she is still attractive and desirable to the partner who had the affair.

5. Reconnection and Acceptance

As you move into a stage of acceptance, the period of mourning your old relationship comes to a close. You’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your new relationship by learning from your mistakes. You’re ready to leave behind the relationship that once was, and to create a happy, new future together.

Clinical studies show that about 70% of couples report greater marital satisfaction post-therapy than they had pre-affair, having used the crisis as a catalyst to improve communication and closeness. It’s hard to recover from an affair, but with a lot of work, commitment, and dedication, your relationship can grow as a result of the experience. Once you’re able to move past the hurt and pain, you will have a solid, more evolved partnership. The work is well worth it, and partnering with a therapist is a great place to start.

Studies demonstrate that couples with a history of extramarital affairs show significant improvements during therapy leading to increased marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and forgiveness in the uninvolved partner, with many couples able to sustain these gains and preserve the integrity of their relationships.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2012). What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity? Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1494-1519.
2. Giacobbi, E., et al. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, Published online January 5, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
3. Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman method couples therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94.
4. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). Relationship satisfaction and forgiveness following infidelity: A longitudinal study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 45(3), 234-251.
5. Smith, J., & Taylor, M. (2021). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
6. Weiser, D. A., Shrout, M. R., Thomas, A. V., Edwards, A. L., & Pickens, J. C. (2023). Two decades of infidelity research through an intersectional lens. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 412-438.