A teenager stands with arms crossed, looking confident, in front of a group of youth in blurred focusThe world is full of people who survived the experience of being bullied while growing up. The wounds bullying can inflict on one’s self-esteem can ooze throughout life. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can, in fact, hurt you. The good news is people can heal from bullying. Psychotherapy can help promote that healing.

Children and teens may be bullied for any number of reasons—weight, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, clothes, social difficulties, interests, and behaviors related to mental health conditions among them. The terms bullies use to label their victims, such as “fat,” “stupid,” “ugly,” etc., may be absorbed into the victim’s self-identity at a tender, vulnerable time in their development. If fully digested, the bully’s taunts may become the victim’s inner voice. The negative judgments may become distorted core beliefs.

Distorted beliefs can limit the choices survivors of bullying make in their social and professional lives. Children who start out as outwardly expressive may turn inward to protect themselves from further ridicule. They may gravitate toward compassionate adults for social interaction rather than peers. Many survivors continue to reenact their role of disempowered victims in the workplace and social spheres. It may be difficult to see themselves as adults rather than the defenseless children they once were.

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Others may lack empathy for lovers and friends (“Nobody ever cared for my feelings, so why should I care about theirs?”). Or they may become loners and/or disdainful of humanity in general. Some project their conditioned self-hatred onto people with whom they engage. When victims of bullying hear others whisper or giggle, they may become paranoid they are the brunt of malicious jokes. They may keep to themselves in the workplace and be regarded as cold or unfriendly by coworkers.

Children tend to benefit from parents who offer comfort and invalidate the bully’s actions. Kids who seek comfort from their parents but are ridiculed instead (“Don’t be a crybaby,” “Grow up,” etc.) may have deeper scars. Children who are bullied or abused at home have a greater risk of being bullied at school as well. They may conclude that if a majority of people in their life regard them negatively, they have it coming. Their wounds can be profound. A large number of male survivors do not report bullying to parents or school staff because they feel shame and emasculation from the abuse. Keeping the abuse a secret and receiving no comfort, support, or invalidation of the bully from others may leave them with hurt feelings, damaged egos, and severe emotional scars.

Many survivors of bullying have an abundance of empathy for others. They report that hearing about or observing others being bullied is triggering for them. Even as they are quick to comfort and support others, however, they may be strangers to the concept of self-empathy. The shame and self-hatred that resulted from being bullied may have arrested their development of this important life skill. Labeling themselves as “garbage” because they were treated as such can lead them to falsely believe there is something inherently lacking in their personhood. Consequently, they can feel like outcasts.

Cognitive therapy and strengths-focused counseling are essential components in therapy treatment for survivors of bullying. The goals include:

1. Adult Perspective to Replace the Traumatized Child Perspective

In treatment, the individual is encouraged to understand that their adult perspective on the bullying should be vastly different and more logical than their child perspective. The child’s perspective of the survivor (which deems the bully’s opinion as expert and still dominates the adult survivor’s beliefs) must be put to rest—just as other childhood beliefs such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny have been.

Consider an individual who was teased about their weight and called unflattering names by their bullies. The child self could be convinced that people of a size that is larger or smaller than average deserve to be shunned by others. The grown-up self can see the ignorance and cruelty in such a claim. The survivor’s new perspective must be reality-based: the bullies did not have the right, life experience, empathy, or education to be valid evaluators of anything except whether ice cream is cold.

If the survivor was bullied by their parents, a new perspective would be that the parents’ judgments were verbally abusive and false. The individual must accept the painful fact their parents were profoundly limited in their ability to parent properly and were most likely perpetuating a pattern of abuse that their own parents had imposed upon them.

2. Empowerment

Personal power is an important therapeutic concept for a survivor of bullying: Each individual has personal power (feelings of well-being, self-worth) which can be kept or given to others. Bullies are thieves of others’ personal power. Therapy helps the survivor understand that they have given up enough of their personal power to those long-ago cruel kids in the schoolyard, many of whom had only recently learned to tie their shoes. The survivor will be mindful that others who cruelly judge people deserve no endorsement (agreeing with their opinion).

3. Self-Empathy and Self-Validation

Because the survivor internalized the bully’s words or hatred, they may have lost the ability to see their self-worth. With the therapist’s help, the survivor learns to love and validate themselves.

Bullies are thieves of others’ personal power. Therapy helps the survivor understand that they have given up enough of their personal power to those long-ago cruel kids in the schoolyard, many of whom had only recently learned to tie their shoes.

4. A New Relational Style

Many bullying survivors develop an interpersonal style that is submissive and passive. Others develop a hypervigilant and aggressive style to defend themselves from further attacks. The goal is to evolve to an assertive relational style which seeks reciprocity and respect from people in the survivor’s social orbit.

5. A Balanced View of People

Due to bullying, the survivor may have concluded at a young age that all people are cruel and cannot be trusted. In therapy, they may come to understand that this is black-and-white thinking. The survivor widens their perception by acknowledging that while there are people who hurt others, there are also people who extend kindness and trustworthiness. The survivor develops an ability to distinguish between these two types of people.

6. Recognition That Bullying Is About the Bully, Not the Victim

Many children do not have the wisdom or cognitive ability to understand the above statement. They tend to regard peers as valid critics. In reality, many bullies have been bullied themselves, either at school or within their own home. Bullying others allows them to reenact their experience from a position of power. Bullies detect a vulnerability in their victims and target that vulnerability. The victim is essentially the bully’s scapegoat.

7. Positive Core Belief and Improved Self-Esteem

In therapy, the survivor learns to let go of the distorted negative core belief (“I am ugly,” “I am stupid,” “I am a loser”) that the bully planted. The survivor comes to understand that defining themselves by others’ words and treatment is a losing plan that can fluctuate depending on the company we keep. The survivor develops a vigilance for correcting the automatic negative self-talk that they have carried since childhood. The result is an enduring positive and reality-based core belief and self-esteem derived from the survivor’s values, behaviors, and accomplishments.

There is a lot of work to be done in closing the wounds left by bullying, as the above goals indicate. Because “old habits die hard,” the survivor must be patient as they proceed through the healing process. Baby steps toward self-love may begin to occur from the start of therapy. In time, the self-confidence a survivor develops in therapy may provide new positive ways to navigate life. It may also afford the survivor new opportunities that were once falsely believed to be out of reach.

References:

  1. Lyness, D. (2013). Helping kids deal with bullies. Retrieved from http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html#
  2. Support the kids involved. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/support-kids-involved

Thank you for reaching out with this powerful question. There are a number of reasons you may be engaging in this behavior, and I hope this response helps you to uncover some of what motivates it so that you can change it.

When behind the computer screen, it’s very easy for people to engage in behaviors they would never do in real life. The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person. One strange thing about the Internet is that while we are incredibly connected digitally, we are very disconnected interpersonally. The fact you can’t see the people you interact with online makes it easier to “other” them. When we “other” people, we don’t necessarily see them as real people with real feelings, and that makes it easier to disconnect from the reality that our words can cause actual harm.

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There is also a sense of the Internet being consequence free; you are largely anonymous, and unless someone is really motivated to find you, you’re likely to get away with this type of behavior. It is easy to see how slippery the slope can be when these two factors are combined. When they feel anonymous, people often do things they would not do in their daily lives. Those things we do when we feel anonymous are often impulses we have in daily life that are socially unacceptable or that we have been told are not allowed. When you are making these comments and “trolling” people, you likely have at least a couple of people who agree with you, which may make your behavior seem more acceptable. That could be another factor in why this is an issue for you.

The anonymity of the Internet offers a shield—some people feel as if they can be aggressive, and in some cases abusive, toward others because they don’t feel as though they are hurting a real person.

Perhaps the bigger issue here is why you feel the need to engage in these ways. Based on what you wrote, it seems as if you may get a thrill from feeling powerful and feeling as though you can whip up a frenzy just by what you say. That leads me to wonder if perhaps you are feeling less than powerful in your daily life and if this is a way for you to assert yourself. Given that you are also occasionally snappy with your parents, it may be that your life situation is one that causes you to seek power in whatever way you can find it and the Internet is an easy source.

I suggest a few things: First, seek out a qualified therapist in your area with whom you can address these feelings/impulses. Next, whenever you find yourself trolling, take the time to remind yourself that the person on the other end is a real person, with real feelings, real family, friends, and loved ones. There have been cases where people, whose emotional states we simply can’t know, have been driven to extreme despair, even suicide, due to cyber bullying. Given that you’ve reached out for help, which is courageous and admirable, I’m confident you don’t want to be one of the people who contribute to such tragic outcomes.

Please seek out the support of a therapist to find out what’s compelling you and to take steps to stop the behaviors that motivated you to write. It will likely be good for both you and the people on the other side of the screen.

Best wishes,
Lisa

Woman in therapy session with male therapistMore than a quarter of Americans experience mental health issues each year, and the World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. However, many Americans think mental health care is both expensive and difficult to access, according to a study jointly sponsored by the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

In a survey of 2,000 adults, most (almost 90%) said they equally valued physical and mental health. One third reported that mental health care is hard to access, and 40% said high costs are a barrier to treatment. Forty-seven percent thought they had experienced a mental health issue, but only 38% of them had received treatment.

[fat_widget_right]Among those who sought treatment, therapy was the most popular option, with 82% pursuing psychotherapy and 78% taking medication. Eighty-six percent said that they knew mental health conditions such as depression increase the risk for suicide, but only 47% knew that anxiety-related conditions could also increase one’s suicide risk.

Though federal laws mandate equal coverage for mental and physical health, a number of recent reports suggest that many insurers continue to deny mental health claims.

64% of Psychology Experiments Fail Replication Test

In May, GoodTherapy.org reported on research suggesting that the majority of psychology studies could not be reproduced by subsequent researchers. Reproducibility is a hallmark of sound science. When a study’s results cannot be recreated, this suggests that the study could have been flawed, biased, or a fluke. Now, the results of that research have been published in Science, sparking debates about a so-called crisis in psychology. The research argues that the results of only a quarter of social psychology experiments and half of cognitive psychology experiments could subsequently be reproduced.

Living Small: The Psychology of Tiny Houses

Tiny houses are trending all over social media. For young people facing an expensive housing market, more economically sized homes can be enticing. These houses encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint by living simply, offer greater mobility because they can easily be moved by a trailer, and are much more affordable than standard-size homes. Moving into a tiny home may require significant downsizing of clothing, furniture, and belongings, but the advantages may include increased control over one’s housing experience, a private alternative to keeping costs down, and the ability to personalize design to fit one’s mood.

A female sips on an alcoholic beverage outsideHealth Buzz: Alcohol Education Should Begin at Age 9

Parents often delay talking to their kids about alcohol until the adolescent years, but a new survey published in the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that these conversations should begin much earlier. The survey found that two thirds of teens had consumed alcohol by their high school graduation and that a quarter have had more than just a few sips before eighth grade. Researchers also found that children and teens drink more heavily than adults, raising concerns about alcohol poisoning and addiction. To give kids accurate and relevant information, the report recommends parents begin the alcohol conversation by the time their children are 9 years old.

Religion Rarely Part of ICU Conversation

Though three quarters of people charged with making health care decisions in an intensive care unit report that religion and spirituality are “fairly” or “very” important in their lives, less than 20% of family health care meetings involve discussion of religion or spirituality with doctors and other caregivers. Particularly when discussing end-of-life decisions, religion can be important, but it is usually the caregiver, not the doctor, who broaches the subject.

Japan’s Worst Day for Teen Suicides

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. For many Japanese parents, it may also be a time of increased concern about suicide among their teens. In Japan, more school students commit suicide on September 1 each year than on any other day. Though experts have posited various explanations—such as worries regarding bullying at school after a summer break free of emotional and physical attacks from peers—suicide remains common. Japan has one of the world’s highest suicide rates, and suicide is the leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 39. Figures from the Japanese government show that more than 18,000 adolescents under the age of 18 committed suicide between 1972 and 2013.

Oliver Sacks, Renowned Neurologist Who Wrote About His Cancer, Dies at 82

Famed author and neurologist Oliver Sacks died of cancer at his home on Sunday, August 30. Sacks wrote about unusual neurological conditions, often naming books after symptoms he saw in his clinical practice, such as The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. He was the inspiration for the doctor played by Robin Williams in the 1990 movie Awakenings, which is based on Sacks’ 1973 book of the same name.

Lack of Sleep Puts You at Higher Risk for Colds, First Experimental Study Finds

A man sits in bed after a sleepless nightAccording to a study of 164 healthy people, inadequate sleep could increase the risk of developing a cold. Scientists monitored participants’ sleep patterns for a week, then quarantined them in a hotel for five days and exposed them to a cold virus. Researchers also checked the participants’ blood for an antibody that fights the common cold, then removed participants who had the antibody to make sure those participants would not bias the infection rates of the group.

At the end of the quarantine period, 45.2% of those who slept less than five hours a night exhibited at least one sign of illness—revolving around mucus production—and one other immune response. Of those who slept five to six hours, the cold rate was 30%, compared to 22.7% for those who slept six to seven hours. The rate was only 17.2% for those who got more than seven hours of sleep. At the end of the study, researchers determined that people who slept less than five hours per night were 4.5 times more likely to get sick than those who slept seven hours or more.

Boy getting bullied in alleyway by other boyCaitlyn Jenner’s recent transition, made public with her Vanity Fair cover and I Am Cait—a reality show that chronicles her life after coming out as transgender—have drawn public attention to transgender issues. The warm welcome Caitlyn received from many celebrities and political organizations might even create an illusion of support for all transgender people.

Figures from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute reflect a different reality. According to a study by the two organizations, 41% of trans-identified people attempt suicide at some point in their lives, compared to just 4.6% of the general population. The study analyzed results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, which was the largest study to explore the experiences and lives of transgender and gender-nonconforming people in the United States. The National Center for Transgender Equality will launch the 2015 U.S. Trans Survey on August 19.

What Is Behind the Transgender Suicide Rate?

[fat_widget_right]High-profile transgender suicides continue to bring attention to the issue. Late last year, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn walked into oncoming traffic to end her life. Her suicide note suggested that anti-transgender discrimination and forced conversion therapy played a role in her decision. Another transgender youth, M.C. Lampe, became unable to tolerate relentless bullying from peers and attempted suicide in the ninth grade. Lampe survived and was able to receive quality psychiatric care.

Bullying can often push transgender children and teens to attempt suicide. A 2011 National Center of Transgender Equality study found that 82% of transgender youth report feeling unsafe at school, with 44% experiencing physical abuse, 64% experiencing theft of their possessions, and 67% facing online bullying.

For many transgender people, bullying is only the beginning. In 2011, Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that 12% of transgender youth had been sexually assaulted in school by peers or faculty, and 22% of transgender people who reported being homeless faced assault while staying in shelters.

Promoting Transgender Acceptance

Experts consistently agree that rejection from parents and peers is a significant factor in the high transgender suicide rate. Parents and loved ones of transgender individuals can show their support by accepting a person’s stated identity, avoiding transgender stereotypes, and using a person’s chosen name and correct pronouns.

References:

  1. Herskovitz, J. (2014, December 31). Suicide note of transgender Ohio teen inspires call to help others. Retrieved from http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/12/31/us-usa-ohio-transgender-idUSKBN0K918W20141231
  2. Responding to transgender victims of sexual assault: the numbers. (2014, June). Retrieved from http://www.ovc.gov/pubs/forge/sexual_numbers.html
  3. Transgender bullying: A national epidemic. (2014, July 13). Retrieved from http://nobullying.com/transgender-bullying/
  4. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

Blonde preteen sits on school steps reading while kids behind pointGifted children may be at a higher risk for being bullied than their more neurotypical peers. The risk factors for bullying victims are similar to many traits prevalent within the intellectually gifted population.

Risk Factors for Bullying

First, let’s look at the risk factors for being bullied. According to StopBullying.gov, a website managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children are more likely to be bullied when:

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Bullying in Gifted Children

Now, let’s compare the risk factors above to some of the attributes commonly found in gifted children.

Gifted children are usually perceived as different from their peers. They often stand out as “quirky,” “strange,” or “weird,” and they may have unusual interests for their age (such as a 7-year-old who seems obsessed with DNA sequencing). Even gifted children often feel that they’re different and may separate or isolate themselves because of this.

Depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem are also risk factors. Gifted individuals are more often diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety than the general population, elevating their risk of being bullied.

Gifted children may have trouble getting along well with others, or can be seen as annoying or provoking. They might even antagonize others, though not necessarily for attention. In addition, sensory processing issues are prevalent in the gifted population, and responding to excessive (or insufficient) stimuli can be seen as annoying or antagonizing to others.

Twice-exceptional children are described as both gifted and coping with special needs. The special need is usually a type of disability, such as a learning disorder (such as dyslexia or dysgraphia) or a mental health condition (such as attention-deficit hyperactivity/ADHD, depression, or anxiety). This population displays traits that have multiple commonalities with the risk factors for bullying, such as feeling anxious, appearing to be weak (and thus not capable of self-defense), or being annoying, different, or simply viewed as “not cool.”

Parental Involvement Makes a Difference

Parents often feel helpless when they realize their children have experienced bullying. However, being empowered to address bullying is not only excellent modeling, it means you can change the situation. Parental involvement is essential when supporting a gifted child to end bullying.

If your instincts are telling you that your child might be bullied, it’s time to ask some questions.

First, you need to recognize when bullying is a problem. If your instincts are telling you your child might be experiencing bullying, it’s time to ask some questions. For parents who need more than a gut feeling, you will have to both pay attention and have frank conversations.

Not all children show obvious signs that they have been bullied, and if a gifted child doesn’t want you to know something, then they may utilize their intellect to creatively hide the impact of bullying or distract you from asking about it.

Bullying is not typically something a child wants to bring up, nor will they necessarily know how to talk about it. This might be especially true for a tween or younger child.

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Identification is the first step. Signs that bullying might be a problem include:

5 Steps to Mitigate the Impact of Bullying

Follow these steps to help diminish the effects of bullying:

  1. Help your child to develop a stronger self-concept and better self-understanding. This will help to counter the damaging effects that bullying can have on self-esteem.
  2. Use both modeling and scaffolding to teach your child to recognize their strengths and positive traits. Most children don’t know or recognize many of their strengths, and gifted children are no exception.
  3. Point out positive traits. This is different than praise. Simply describe their strength, such as, “You are a boy who enjoys building complex creations out of Legos.” Even if your child dismisses your words, hearing about one’s own strengths has a lasting, positive effect and increases resiliency.
  4. Teach your child self-compassion. To be kind to oneself is essential to healing from bullying. A good way to teach self-compassion is to model it.
  5. Get support when appropriate. It’s both OK and important to seek professional help if a bullying problem doesn’t subside or worsens.

Reference:

Risk Factors. (n.d.). StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/factors

Young woman playing a video gameGamergate, the Internet gaming scandal that began with vicious attacks on game developer Zoe Quinn, sparked ongoing Internet discussions about the bullying and sexual harassment to which many female gamers are subjected. One study found that 70% of female gamers adopt male identities to avoid online harassment.

A survey of 874 gamers suggests that 63% of women gamers have been harassed online and that 80% of gamers believe rampant sexism is a problem in the gaming community. According to a study published in PLOS One, men who harass women are often low-status gamers who resent the competition.

Who Harasses Women Who Game?

Researchers gathered data on 126 recorded player interactions during a Halo 3 team death match. In one group, players remained silent. In the second group, researchers played unoffensive statements—such as “That was a good game, everyone”—in male or female voices. All of the players who responded to the statements were male, suggesting that female players either stayed silent or did not play the game. The team recorded each response, coding them as either positive or negative. “Do ya thing, girl,” for example, was coded as positive. “Should’ve made me a sandwich, b****” was negative.

In addition to tracking player comments, researchers also monitored the players’ skill rankings, game metrics, whether or not each player won the game, and each player’s performance relative to the experimental player.

[fat_widget_right]Female voice recordings were more likely to elicit negative comments, as researchers expected. What surprised the team is that relatively unskilled players made more negative comments and were significantly more likely to target “female” players with these comments. A player who made zero kills, for example, made an average of five negative comments to “female” players, while a player with 25 kills averaged only one such comment. No similar correlation for “male” players existed. Instead, male voices received an average of two negative comments, regardless of the other player’s skill level.

How Status Affects Harassment

Successful players with high skill rankings were more likely to respond positively to the female voice than the male voice. The reverse was true for low-skill players, who made more comments to male voices. The study’s authors speculate that men who perform poorly while playing the game are “low-status” men. These men, they argue, are more likely to be hostile to female competitors, viewing them as a threat.

Contrary to stereotypes that gamers are mostly men, a 2014 UK study found that women now account for slightly more than half (52%) of all gamers.

References:

  1. Buni, C., & Chemaly, S. (2014, October 09). The unsafety net: How social media turned against women. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2014/10/the-unsafety-net-how-social-media-turned-against-women/381261
  2. Matthew, E. (2012, September 6). Sexism in video games [study]: There is sexism in gaming. Retrieved from http://blog.pricecharting.com/2012/09/emilyami-sexism-in-video-games-study.html
  3. Orland, K. (2015, July 21). Study: Online gaming “losers” are more likely to harass women. Retrieved from http://arstechnica.com/gaming/2015/07/study-online-gaming-losers-are-more-likely-to-harass-women
  4. UK gamers: More women play games than men, report finds. (2014, September 17). Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/sep/17/women-video-games-iab

BullyingWhether it takes the form of teasing, threats, violence, or other acts, bullying is a significant issue in schools and communities around the world. In the United States alone, nearly a third of students report being bullied each school year, and most who are bullied never report it. The rates of bullying are even higher among students who identify or are perceived as LGBTQ, students with disabilities, and minority students.

In addition to any physical harm that may be inflicted, bullied children can experience a variety of mental health concerns as a result of their exposure to bullying, may struggle academically, and may experience a variety of negative health effects. Bullied children are also 2.4 times more likely to report suicidal ideation than non-bullied peers.

Although awareness of bullying has grown with the Internet and social media, so, too, have opportunities for bullying. Cyber bullying may include the posting of hurtful messages, rumors, photos, or videos, and some cyber bullies have been known to create false profiles or even websites to harass their targets. Cyber bullying is compounded by the fact that what is posted online isn’t always easily erased.

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Most experts agree that if a person knows of or witnesses bullying, the best course of action is to talk to a teacher, school administrator, parent, or other trusted adult who can intervene and pursue appropriate prevention measures.

Education is a big part of the solution, of course. With that in mind, we’ve compiled a list of the 10 best online resources for bullying awareness and prevention—GoodTherapy.org excluded—in 2014. Our selections are based on quality and depth of content, presentation, and functionality.

Have a website you would like to see in our Top 10? Recommend it here.

References:

  1. Bullying Statistics. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/facts-on-bullying.html
  2. Bullying Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.pacer.org/bullying/about/media-kit/stats.asp
  3. Espelage, D. L., and Holt, M. K. (2013). Suicidal ideation and school bullying experiences after controlling for depression and delinquency. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53.

I hear your struggle and pain, and you are not alone. It is so hard to know just what the right thing to do for your kids may be when you see them potentially heading down a road that could make their lives more difficult and quite possibly more dangerous.

The best thing you can do for your son is offer him unconditional love and support by letting him know that you love him as he is, for who he is, and that nothing can change that. Whether he eventually realizes himself to be a member of the LGBTQIA community or is simply just drawn to more traditionally feminine toys and activities, he is likely to hear about these things from his peers. By trying to protect him from the hate and mockery of others, you may unintentionally give him the message that you don’t think his choices are OK and that he needs to hide who he is. He needs to have a safe place to be himself, and that should be with you. (It should be everywhere, really, but with you is a must.)

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That said, you can also equip him for living in your community. You can give him the tools he needs to combat bullying and hate. At 7, he is probably at least somewhat aware of how others may respond to him. You can talk with him about possible reactions to him choosing an Elsa costume over a Spider-Man costume. Empower him to make choices and prepare him for the ramifications. Let him know that the problem is NOT in his choice, but in the ignorance and bigotry that exist in the world. Help him find allies in the community—friends, teachers, other parents—who support him. Bullying and hate are terrible things, but they can be managed with support. Kids who internalize feelings that who they are is not OK suffer terribly, often feeling shame, isolation, and loneliness. These are the kinds of feelings that lead to hopelessness, depression, and even suicide.

Your question resonates deeply with me. My 4-year-old son is also drawn to dresses and make-up. He loves trucks and dinosaurs, but he chose to be Elsa for Halloween this year (it’s a popular costume!). When he wanted to wear a dress to school last week, I hesitated. When he was 2 or 3 it was no big deal, but lately I’ve seen that his peers respond in less accepting ways to cross-gender preferences. He wore the dress, but we practiced what he might say to friends if they laughed, made fun of him, or called him a girl. The moment we walked into the classroom, a group of boys did exactly that. He responded with, “Nope, I’m a boy. I just wanted to wear this.” And that was the end of it. Granted, at 4 and 5, kids are generally more accepting than at 7, but I hear your fears and your concerns, and all you can do is equip him to handle what he may face—and the best way to do that is by making sure he knows there is nothing wrong with him.

If I can also offer a little clarification as well: There is a difference between gender preferences, gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Preferring toys and objects that are traditionally associated with a different gender does not necessarily have anything to do with gender identity or sexual orientation. Your son may be more sensitive and nurturing than his male peers. There are girls his age who prefer some of the more traditionally male toys. That does not necessarily mean they are gay or straight or bisexual. Nor does it mean that those girls identify more as masculine or the boys identify more as feminine. Kids like what they like. We are the ones who make meaning of it and attach labels.

If you need support for yourself or your son in figuring out how to navigate through these issues, find a therapist who works with gender fluidity. Whether or not your son is gay, a therapist trained in LGBTQ+ issues would have a lot of resources and strategies for navigating how to be different in an intolerant community.

Best of luck,
Erika

Unhappy Girl Being Bullied In ClassThe signs for identifying that your child is being bullied are vast and often nuanced. Children often feel ashamed about being a target at school, so you may have to read between the lines to find out what is going on.

Perhaps your child is more quiet than usual. Tummy aches are becoming more frequent, and so are other excuses to miss school. They don’t like riding the bus. Whatever the case, you realize something is wrong, and as his or her parent, you can’t sit back and watch it go on anymore.

Before you head to school to sort things out, it’s worth exploring strategies on how to stop or prevent bullying. The following tips may help you address bullying in a smart and effective way:

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  1. Keep your friends close. Making allies at your child’s school is key in helping your bullied child. School personnel often more quickly minimize bullying than admit that it occurs in their classrooms. If you are a good advocate for your child, you may address any issues head-on. Before you speak to your child’s teacher(s), think about how they may receive your feedback. Instead of telling a teacher what is happening in his or her classroom, ask. Tell the teacher about your suspicions, but don’t make it seem like you’re telling the teacher what to do. Compel the teacher to want to help you by being his or her ally.
  2. Keep your “enemies” closer. Is there a kid in your child’s classroom who seems to be the leader or bullying instigator? Find out whom your child dislikes the most in class—and why—and talk to that child’s parents. See if you can connect with them on a personal level. You may learn that the children have more in common than they think. By connecting with the kid’s parents, you’re leading by example.
  3. Play detective. Investigate what is driving the bullies. Is your child shy? Is it about your child’s appearance? Quirky interests? Children can be very cruel. And because of their developmentally appropriate black-and-white thinking, they often fall into an us-vs.-them mentality. Anybody who is different may be seen as a threat. Find out what can help your child connect with others without compromising your child’s uniqueness.
  4. Recognize your child’s strengths. When children have stronger self-image, they are bothered less by what bullies say about them. What are your child’s strengths? Allow your child to see that he or she is unique, special in his or her own way. Nobody else in class may be able to identify 50 types of dinosaurs. Maybe others don’t wear glasses because they aren’t as good readers. Whatever your child’s disadvantage, there is usually an advantage to balance it.
  5. Help your child shine. Find ways in which your child can exhibit his or her strengths at school. Encourage joining an after-school club he or she is likely to excel in. Or maybe your child has a cool dad. A friend told me that they were able to put an end to bullying after the dad went to school to do a presentation on martial arts. Dad did some impressive kicks, and his child was cool by association. They didn’t plan it that way, but it worked out!
  6. Find out how your child really feels. Allow your child to vent with you. Don’t immediately offer suggestions. Label his or her feelings, and say them back to him/her. Children who are able to identify feelings are typically better at managing their emotions. Ask questions, and let your child talk even when you know the answer, or what your response will be. This way, your child will learn to process thoughts on his or her own, which will help him/her feel empowered.
  7. Allow your child to grow from the experience. Being a victim of bullying may cause serious stress in children. With your help, it can be an experience with a positive lesson. Your child can learn how to turn a bad situation into an opportunity. The child can discover that his or her worth doesn’t depend on what others say. And you can show your child that you will always be there to support him or her.
  8. Consider seeking the support of a counselor. Particularly if the bullying (and its effects) are more severe, seeking the help of an experienced child counselor or therapist can help address emotional concerns and point you and your child toward appropriate remedies.

stop-bullying-prevention-month-102413If you’ve ever seen A Christmas Story, then you probably remember the words of the yellow-eyed, redheaded Scut Farkus as he taunts and tortures 9-year-old Ralphie Parker: “Come on, cry baby, cry!” As Farkus jeers with a maniacal laugh and violence flashing in his eyes, Ralphie finally snaps and fights back, pummeling his bully into the snowy earth.

While it is understandable to feel a sense of satisfaction watching someone overtake a bully and feel vindicated in a classic film scenario, this scene in A Christmas Story, as Ralphie’s mother insists, is not the ideal for those fighting to raise awareness and effect societal change where bullying is concerned.

Bullying of both a physical and psychological nature are realities many youth face on a day-to-day basis. StopBullying.gov states that for a behavior to be considered bullying, it “must be aggressive” and include “an imbalance of power” and “repetition” or the potential to become repetitive. Bullying may manifest as physical violence and abuse against those perceived as weak or different; it may also appear in the form of words and phrases used to hurt those same individuals. It happens in schools, homes, and the community at large, and is primarily associated with youth who are 18 and younger.

National Bullying Prevention Month, which was initiated in 2006 by PACER’s National Center for Bullying Prevention, encourages supporters and advocates to stand up and say, “The end of bullying begins with me.” Whether as a perpetrator, as a bystander, or as someone who has experienced bullying, everyone can play a part in putting a stop to the damaging effects of bullying.

Unity and Respect: Valuable Bullying Prevention Lessons

A variety of campaigns and opportunities to stand united with the movement to prevent bullying are accessible online. StopBullying.gov provides the public with resources and educational materials pertaining to bullying, and at StompOutBullying.org, those who wish to show their support can purchase wristbands, as well as access information on what’s been happening when and where regarding bullying prevention awareness.

The Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights website (PACER.org) is also an excellent resource. In addition to informational links and materials, the site encourages concerned citizens to sign their “The End of Bullying Begins with Me” petition. And perhaps most useful with regard to practical, long-term application and prevention is PACER’s free, online, student-focused curriculum launched on October 1, 2013, called “The We Will Generation.”

Designed with student leaders in mind, the hope is that under the guidance and mentorship of adult advisors, these young people will carry the message of bullying prevention to other middle and high school students in an ongoing, interactive educational format. Schools can sign up online to pilot the new curriculum, which includes a series of lessons, activities, a student-created video, student advice, and other resources for how to approach bullying in the school system from a student-to-student perspective.

The lessons cover topics like “Respecting differences and everyone’s right to be who they are,” “Ways in which students can reach out to their peers,” “Sharing ideas about how students can show that everyone matters,” and “How to move a situation from a negative into a positive.” The overall messages of The We Will Generation, which focuses its foundational teachings on the acceptance and appreciation of individuality, are to respect differences, unite together, and take action.

Growing Concern over Cyberbullying

An increasing trend in the rapidly advancing technological world is cyberbullying, also known as e-bullying, online bullying, and Internet bullying. The Cyberbullying Research Center defines cyberbullying as “willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.”

Stopbullying.gov adds that the electronic technology used in cyberbullying includes “social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.” Rumors, embarrassing photos, and fake online profiles are just a few examples of the tactics used in cyberbullying.

As with other forms of bullying, StopBulling.gov reports that victims of cyberbullying are more likely to abuse substances, skip classes or refrain from attending school altogether, receive poor grades, have self-esteem issues, develop health problems, and experience in-person bullying.

Both the Cyberbullying Research Center and StopBulling.gov offer helpful information on how to identify, prevent, and report cyberbullying as a parent, educator, counselor, peer, or youth worker. IBM is also currently offering a free downloadable activity kit for those who wish to present, teach, or somehow train others to recognize, prevent, and intervene in cases of cyberbullying. Resources like these are important in tackling the complex issue of cyberbullying, which is the subject of much media attention and discourse these days.

A Little Empathy, Please

There are a range of explanations as to why someone may end up physically or verbally attacking and putting down his or her peers, but one thing is agreed upon by researchers: Children and teenagers who bully others exhibit “a lack of appropriate concern for the other, commonly considered a lack of affective empathic concern” (Borgwald & Theixos, 2013).

Various efforts have been launched over the years in an attempt to eradicate bullying behaviors and rehabilitate those who engage in it. Some are more effective than others. In a recent article published in Social Influence, the authors argue that the federally instituted “zero-tolerance policies,” which involve systematic punishments and expulsions to deal with bullying are “ineffective, counterproductive, and unjust” (Borgwald & Theixos, 2013). They instead suggest the implementation of “inclusion and empathy training” as an effective approach for integrating those identified as bullies in the school system and community at large.

This approach is largely inspired by the notion that there is danger in automatically assuming that a child who bullies is somehow flawed or lacking. As Borgwald and Theixos point out, “[B]ullying is a complex behavior closely linked to an abusive/chaotic home life, and . . . we are concerned that bully-labeling further hinders these children from adequately developing pro-social behaviors” (2013). Hence the significance of empathy, which theories on the subject suggest “can be nurtured through counseling, teaching, and modeling.”

Empathy is defined by Merriam-Webster as,

the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experiences fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

In other words, someone exhibiting empathy will feel the pain of another without being overtly told what that other person is feeling. It follows that if a child or adolescent is starting off with little to no sensitivity or concern for the feelings of others, then teaching him or her to experience actual empathy is going to require massive amounts of time, effort, and energy on the part of the student doing the bullying as well as the teachers, therapists, and parents or guardians trying to help that person. Regardless, Borgwald and Theixos assert, “If a lack of empathy is central to the problem of bullying, and empathy can be taught and learned, then empathy training in schools is a better (more just, more inclusive, and likely more beneficial) response to bullying” (2013).

A little kindness can go a long way. And it would appear that developing a sense of compassion and understanding for the perpetrators of bullying is just as important as it is for those who have been bullied. Considering the human capacity for change and transformation, perhaps it is possible that if someone notorious for being a bully is given the opportunity to acknowledge, feel, and accept his or her own sensitivity and weakness, then an improved sensitivity toward others will naturally follow.

References:

  1. Borgwald, K., and Theixos, H. (2013). “Bullying the bully: Why zero-tolerance policies get a failing grade.” Social Influence, 8: 2–3, 149–160. doi: 10.1080/15534510.2012.724030.  Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15534510.2012.724030
  2. Cyberbullying Research Center. “About us.” Retrieved from http://cyberbullying.us/about-us/
  3. IBM. “Cyber-bullying. Explore the dangers and signs of cyber-bullying with parents and teachers.” Retrieved from https://www.ibm.com/ibm/responsibility/initiatives/activitykits/cyber_bullying/
  4. Merriam-Webster.com. (2013). Empathy. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy
  5. PACER. “October is National Bullying Prevention Month.” Retrieved from http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/
  6. PACER. “The We Will Generation: Students leading the bullying prevention movement.” Retrieved from http://www.pacer.org/bullying/wewillgen/curriculum/
  7. StopBullying.gov. “What is bullying.” Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html#types
  8. StopBullying.gov. “What is cyberbullying.” Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/index.html

Cyber bullying has become more common with advances in technology. Messages can be posted on social networking websites, and pictures can be downloaded, altered, and made available to the world in seconds. Although there has been abundant research into the consequences of cyber bullying and traditional bullying, little has been done to determine which type may cause more psychological damage. It is well established that bullying itself—the act of terrorizing, intimidating, and ridiculing another through verbal or physical acts—can have numerous deleterious effects.

Those who endure bullying are at increased risk for internalizing problems such as anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation. Understanding how each type of bullying impacts young people is of critical importance in order to target those most vulnerable and help them deal with the ramifications. To get a better idea of the effects of cyber bullying in comparison to traditional bullying, Sheri Bauman of the University of Arizona’s College of Education recently conducted a study asking college students to rate their levels of distress based on hypothetical cyber and traditional bullying scenarios. The scenarios were similar in nature and differed only in delivery.

Bauman discovered that three main bullying themes emerged, including generalized bullying, name calling, and sexual victimization through explicit sexual images. Although the female participants reported higher levels of distress for all three types of bullying, the method of delivery did not impact emotional response. Specifically, although their responses varied by bullying scenario, all participants reported similar distress levels whether the bullying event was traditional in nature or cyber bullying.

However, Bauman found that one type of bullying was the most distressing. “We … found that bullying with sexual material, whether conventionally or by technological methods, is the most upsetting kind of incident to targets,” she said. This was especially true for female participants. Those with a history of victimization had higher distress than those without. In sum, Bauman believes that these findings demonstrate that it may not be the delivery method of bullying behavior that is most detrimental to young people, but rather the content of the message conveyed.

Reference:
Bauman, S., Newman, M. L. (2012). Testing assumptions about cyber bullying: Perceived distress associated with acts of conventional and cyber bullying. Psychology of Violence. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029867

With football season nearing end, emotionally charged teen boys, who are taught how to use aggression on the field, will no longer be able to use that physical outlet for their youthful frustrations. Because of the high level of violence in the sport, experts have wondered if these teens, who are encouraged to use coercion, intimidation, and other aggressive tactics during play, are more likely to engage in bullying behaviors off the field than their nonathlete peers. Nearly half of teens today report that they have been either the victim or perpetrator of bullying. And although football does not endorse bullying, players are encouraged to aspire to masculine norms and conformity. Therefore, researchers have asked, do these factors make the players more vulnerable to bullying behaviors?

To answer this question, Jesse A. Steinfeldt of the Department of Counseling and Educational Psychology at Indiana University-Bloomington led a study involving 206 high school football players and looked at peer relationships, masculine conformity, bullying beliefs, and male role models. The results revealed that the football players would only accept or encourage bullying behavior if their peers did. Additionally, the players who conformed the most to masculine norms were among the most likely to bully, regardless of peer influence. Adhering and aspiring to masculine norms has been shown to negatively influence psychological well-being and can increase one’s risk for depression, sexual aggression, substance abuse, and low self-worth.

However, Steinfeldt discovered the highest risk factor for accepting bullying behaviors was having a male role model who also endorsed bullying. Specifically, the most influential male in the boys’ lives, whether it was a coach, uncle, father, or big brother, was the strongest indicator of bullying behavior. This discovery has significant implications for interventions and youth programs that target bullying. Steinfeldt said, “Thus, psychologists working with adolescent football players may want to consider bullying within the broader context, particularly the ways that traditional masculine norms are conveyed by peers and influential males within the unique context of football.” Steinfeldt also suggested that psychologists who work with teen football players might consider asking coaches and fathers to participate in the design and delivery of interventions in order to more powerfully influence the teens.

Reference:
Steinfeldt, J. A., Vaughan, E. L., LaFollette, J. R., & Steinfeldt, M. C. (2012, January 23). Bullying Among Adolescent Football Players: Role of Masculinity and Moral Atmosphere. Psychology of Men & Masculinity. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026645

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