Editor’s note: This article is an excerpt from Sarah Burleton’s New York Times bestselling child abuse memoir Why Me. The article contains sensitive detail about physical violence and abuse that some readers may wish to avoid.

My name is Sarah Burleton and I am the spokesperson for Prevent Child Abuse Illinois. Looking at me now, one would never guess that I endured such a horrific childhood—a childhood full of extreme physical beatings and mental abuse at the hands of my own mother. One would never guess that my own mother pushed me into an electric fence and watch me writhe on the ground in agony.

One would never guess that my beloved animals were murdered cruelly at the hands of my mother for her own sick enjoyment. And one would never guess that not once in my life did I hear my mother say the words “I love you” or feel her arms wrapped around me in a loving, warm, motherly embrace.

One would never guess this about me and my life because I made the conscious choice at a very young age not to let my child abuse define me. I refused to walk around like a victim and wear my child abuse as a badge for the world to see and pity me for.

As many of you can relate, the last thing a child abuse victim wants is pity from people who have no idea what we have had to endure. We don’t want anyone to know what we have been through because there is a shame attached to child abuse, a sense of self-blame, as if we deserved to be beaten or called names. Personally, I would bottle my emotions up inside and put on a tough façade to everyone around me, masking my true feelings of pain with sarcasm and aloofness.

[fat_widget_right]When it became too much for me to bottle up my emotions anymore, I opened my laptop and poured out my life story into a Word document, self-published it, and fell over the day I found out my little book had made the New York Times. Being on the list was great; however, the most rewarding part of my job has been traveling and speaking to adult survivors, CPS workers, and foster children.

I realize that there are many of us out there, thousands of us who have been hurt by people who were supposed to love and protect us the most. But I’m here to tell you that we are not victims; we are survivors. We are here today because of our will to survive and our determination to overcome the demons from our childhood.

Each of us has the power to use our horrible pasts as stepping stones to our bright, positive futures and as examples of how not to act. Every story matters and every voice should be heard. I love you all.

Editor’s note: This story contains sensitive material and descriptions of childhood abuse and trauma that may be triggering to some readers.

My story focuses on two areas of trauma: childhood sexual abuse and the lasting effects of working in the field of law enforcement and rescue work. I am, for all intents and purposes, a normal adult—a college educated mother and grandmother. You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I am a survivor of trauma for many decades.

In my family, I was known as the “spooky smart” child. As soon as I could talk, it became apparent that I had an intellect unlike other children my age. I seemed much older than my chronology would attest. It’s true that I did understand a lot; the saying about little pitchers having big ears was spot on. I could listen to those around me and because I was a little person; no one thought too much about what they said around me.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that my father was emotionally distant—trying, but often failing not to repeat the abuse he received as a child. He never hit like his father before him, but the words were weapon enough against us. My mother was a black-out alcoholic who, for all of the good in her, spent her life slowly committing suicide by drinking herself to death. She would rather drink than face her demons and get help.

It began when I was about four years old. A family “relative,” the boyfriend of my great-grandmother, began sexually assaulting me and my sister, who was two years younger than I. When I learned he had touched my sister, I decided I needed to stop him.

I could not tell anyone about the abuse, as my dad was in the process of divorcing my mother. Any reports of any type could threaten his ability to maintain custody of us; something I understood, even at such a tender age. So instead of telling another adult, I made a deal.

I told him that he could do whatever he wanted to do, but only to me; he had to leave my sister alone from now on. I told him I would never tell, never yell—nothing. He could do anything to me as long as my sister was free of him. He accepted.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]Over the course of the next 10 years he raped me repeatedly; always just outside my sister’s door so she could hear everything. I tried to stay as quiet as possible; even when he made me get on my knees and beg him to rape me. I cannot forget his greasy hair or the alcoholic sweat stink of his body and his breath on me while he used his adult-sized body against me.

As I grew up, around the age of 7 or so, I became involved in rescue work. My father was a cop on a specialized team sent to major accident scenes where someone must be extricated from the vehicle. He also assisted in other areas including search and rescue, looking for the lost, working in the local jail, and ordinary day-to-day beat cop duties.

Because he was a single parent, called out at all hours of the day or night, he sometimes had to scoop up my sister and me, taking us with him to the crime scenes. We stayed in his truck and I would try to occupy my sister so she didn’t look out the windshield at the crash. No child should see the death, grief, anger, and confusion we witnessed. Even though I thought of my dad as a hero for saving others, these are still scenes to which no child should be privy.

I too began learning these fields, taking an interest first in ambulance rescue work and later on to law enforcement. Since then, I have been involved in these areas. I worked with an ambulance crew at 11, becoming one of the youngest people ever to complete the EMT certification at 13. I would later become a police dispatcher, marry a man who became an officer, and have a son who decided to become Military Police officer in the Army.

My life has been spent helping others—being their protector, their advocate, a voice on the phone to help, to instruct them how to breathe life back into the lifeless body of their infant grandchild, trying to talk someone out of committing suicide or homicide. Sometimes I succeeded, but sometimes I failed. Needless to say, I have a somewhat overinflated sense of protecting others, often to my own detriment.

As an adult, I can now say I typically fell for men who would treat me abusively. I know now that I was searching for what I knew was familiar. Even if it’s wrong, familiar is comfortable. It wasn’t until just last year that I realized I needed help. In 2012, I began a relationship with a man I had known for a number of years before; we were friends and co-workers.

He is the first person to be in a relationship with me who was not abusive to me. I didn’t know how to handle it. The whole idea of a life with this man was at once both terrifying and desirable. I knew that while I’m okay overall, when I get angry about something I really overreact. I have thrown things in anger—never toward anyone, though; I have given up on relationships way too quickly, been too ready to believe I don’t deserve to be treated reasonably, all of the things which go hand in hand with abuse.

I couldn’t see any of that until I lived in a nonabusive household. Not being abused freaked me out. He and I discussed it many times and it was then that I decided to find a therapist and a therapy style which would work for me.

I contacted our employee assistance program. They gave a preliminary diagnosis of posttraumatic stress (PTSD) due to sexual and other abuse. They recommended eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for me and gave me the name of a therapist. She did not work out at all. She was truly only worried about the money, not the people she treated. Her half-hearted attempts at helping me did worse than nothing —I was full of uncertainty, emotions, and questions to which she had no real answers.

So I decided to look around on my own. I did some searching and found a therapist who was specifically trained in first responder trauma, a type of trauma that affects those personnel who first respond to crime scenes. He also treated sexual abuse trauma.

Another nice addition was that he was familiar with the trauma of chronic pain and disease. I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, as well as issues related to the removal of my thyroid gland. I am in pain constantly and will be for the rest of my life. My health is overall sound and I have great doctors, but even that can’t compensate for the physical and emotional trauma these diseases offer. I contacted him about my situation and he agreed to let me interview him and vice versa as a potential patient. This invitation was to become the beginning of the rest of my life.

I have been in therapy for only a few months. In that time, I can say I have never felt better overall about myself, my health, and my place in this world. Yes, I am scared. I am scared of what will happen when I begin to feel things again, about traveling back in time to those places, about the idea of bringing up and reprocessing these memories—all of it.

Some days I feel like I can take over the world; other days I can cry at the drop of a hat. I am nervous about the type of person I will become over time and whether I am strong enough to live with it. I am nervous about trusting anyone with my mind and allowing them to help me change. It is a good struggle; I can feel it is worth it.

To anyone with trauma or involved in the treatment of it, I offer my story. My life was filled with visions of unimaginable horror. I have seen more death, destruction, and hate than anyone ever should. But I know I will survive and thrive in the future. To do that, I must deal with the demons of my past and decide that they will no longer direct that future. I have removed control from them. Now I’m practicing keeping that control.

With the help of my therapist and the support of my mate, I look with a cautious smile toward my future. If you are troubled, I hope you will soon be able to do the same. Your situation is unique, but that doesn’t mean you are alone.

Many people believe that when experiences are too painful or difficult to face, they end up tucked into the unseen corners of the unconscious in the form of repressed memories. The presence of hidden truths in the psyche may then manifest in myriad ways in waking life: panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction, and issues with self-esteem, to name a few.

Sexual trauma, in particular, is viewed by a number of therapists as being especially susceptible to repression (Loftus, 1993). The memories may remain locked away for years before surfacing, which typically occurs in a therapeutic setting.

Several people, mainly women, who recollect memories of abuse 10, 20, 30, or more years after the abuse occurred have sued the perpetrators in court for damages to physical and psychological well-being. Many have won.

However, over the past few decades, the notion of repressed memories has sparked a great deal of controversy in the mental health field. This became especially heated during what became known as the “memory wars” of the 1990s.

Clinical psychologists and therapists who have witnessed adult clients remembering repressed experiences of childhood abuse argue that the memories are real, vivid, detailed, and reliable. Researchers tend to be more hesitant to accept the concept of repression as fact due to the lack of scientific evidence in support of it (Association for Psychological Science, 2013).

Findings reported recently in Psychological Science suggest that this controversy remains just as prevalent today, and that skepticism has actually increased with time. One of the researchers, Lawrence Patihis of the University of California, Irvine, said in a press release issued by the Association for Psychological Science (2013), “Whether repressed memories are accurate or not, and whether they should be pursued by therapists, or not, is probably the single most practically important topic in clinical psychology since the days of Freud and the hypnotists who came before him.”

The study conducted by Patihis and colleagues involved an online survey of practicing clinicians, psychotherapists, research psychologists, and alternative therapists. Their responses revealed that though skepticism regarding repressed memories has increased in the past 20 years for “mainstream psychotherapists and clinical psychologists,” approximately 60 to 80% of the clinicians, psychoanalysts, and therapists who responded to the survey believe that memories of trauma are often repressed and can be retrieved in therapy.

They also gathered data that shows the widespread acceptance of repressed memories as real among the general public. On the other hand, less than 30% of research psychologists believe in the validity of repressed memories.

Repressed-Memory Testimony Fuels Controversy

One of the primary concerns of skeptics is that “repressed-memory testimony” may be used in court to indict someone. Being able to testify against long-ago abusers has been known to aide in the healing and recovery of many who endured childhood sexual or physical abuse. However, there have been instances where an adult child accuses parents of abuse years after the fact and the parents vehemently deny the accusation; this inevitably tears apart familial relationships and leaves the accused feeling victimized (Loftus, 1993).

Repressed-memory testimony has also been used to solve unsolved cases of murder, as in the 1990 case of Eileen Franklin, who experienced sudden and vivid repressed memory recall as a 29-year-old mother that revealed a dark secret: When she was 8 years old, her father had raped and murdered her best friend; Eileen had been witness to the crime, and her father had threatened to kill her if she ever told anyone. Her then 51-year-old father George was tried in court and convicted largely based on the evidence provided via Eileen’s memories, although corroborating evidence gathered at the time of the crime was also taken into consideration.

The disturbing number of cases related to repressed experiences of childhood sexual abuse by Catholic priests and other private group leaders has also stirred much dialogue over whether memories that surface years after an alleged incident occurred should be used as evidence in legal cases. As recently as October 2013, Governor Jerry Brown of California vetoed legislation that would have allowed more victims of childhood sexual abuse to take action against the Catholic Church, Boy Scouts, and other private organizations (Miller).

For those who experienced the abuse, being able to seek justice for the wrongs committed against them is essential to their ability to move on and recover. Many of them experience years of psychological torment prior to remembering in full the abuse that took place, and their supporters believe lawsuits should be an option regardless of how long it takes for those memories to appear (Miller, 2013).

Considering that the truth of a resurfaced memory is often nearly impossible to prove with scientific evidence, this may be a situation where researchers should defer to the practicing psychologists and therapists who have witnessed countless cases of repressed recall in action, as well as the people who attest to their validity firsthand and experience intuitive healing as a result.

References:

1. Association for Psychological Science. (2013, December 13). Scientists and practitioners don’t see eye to eye on repressed memory. [Press Release]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/scientists-and-practitioners-dont-see-eye-to-eye-on-repressed-memory.html
2. Miller, J. (2013, October 13). SEX ABUSE: Governor vetoes bill to allow more victims. The Press-Enterprise. Retrieved from http://www.pe.com/local-news/politics/jim-miller-headlines/20131013-sex-abuse-governor-vetoes-bill-to-allow-more-victims.ece
3. Loftus, E. (1993). The reality of repressed memories. American Psychologist, 48, 518-537. Retrieved from http://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/lof93.htm

Thank you for writing. I am so sorry this happened to you. It frankly makes my blood boil. This breach and exploitation is exactly what therapists are never supposed to do. To me, it’s akin to incest. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. Despite whatever conflicted feelings you might be having, please know that this was not your fault in any way. Maintaining that professional wall and keeping the boundary between healer and client is solely the responsibility of the therapist. Psychological safety and doing no harm is our top priority. It’s heartbreaking that your therapist so violated the sanctity of the relationship.

Of course, from a psychological viewpoint, this kind of gross violation of boundaries and trust will bring up all kinds of conflicted and traumatic feelings for the client. (This is one of many reasons that such a breach indicates the therapist has lost her way in the profession.) What’s especially tragic is that this experience may have parallel emotional resonance for those who were abused or neglected as children. One of the most common misperceptions by victims of such abuse is that they think, somehow, in a desperate effort to make sense of a painfully chaotic phenomenon, that they “caused” or “brought on” the abuse. Therapy is set up so that it really is all about the client; when this kind of abuse transpires, how can the client help but think (among other things) that the violation is somehow “about me”? Trust me: This is about a malpracticing therapist.

The feelings you’re having are quite understandable; however—and I hate to say this—they most likely won’t just go away on their own. You allude to this in your letter in that, five years hence, the pain lingers. In a way, it means you have a communicative psyche that needs some sustained, loving attention; you deserve the care and guidance of a competent therapist to help you heal. The fact other therapists wanted you to press charges may be a sign of how seriously we take our oath as healers—it’s enraging when we hear of violations of that oath. However, you are not obligated to do anything that feels too scary or overwhelming. You may want to press charges at some point, you may not. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re needing right now, and such a decision can come later, if ever. It’s not your job to “police” anyone. We don’t want to create a situation wherein we “blame the victim.”

The first step is a healing process wherein you can reintegrate and reconnect with whatever had to be dissociated or sacrificed to live with the hurt of this abuse. Other decisions will likely follow of their own accord.

I’m curious as to your statement that “most people don’t believe a woman can abuse another woman.” Since that falls outside the range of my own experience, I would want to know more about that, i.e. who “most people” are. Most people in your circle of family and friends? Potential authorities who would evaluate this case? Has your mistreatment at the hands of others ever been doubted?

You are alluding to what I call the double whammy of trauma—first there is the painful abuse itself, and then (and this is often what causes the real hurt and disruption) the denial or minimization of the abuse. It’s possible that we can heal from hurtful events if those who participated acknowledge both the event and their participation, followed by their amending such behaviors. With the repetition of abuse and denial, and no commitment by the abusers to cease, we begin to wonder if we are in fact “exaggerating” or even “crazy.” A painful split emerges between mind and body, as we doubt our own perceptions, memories, and physical reality. This takes a lot of time to heal, to reconnect with and trust our own emotional experience and intuition, but repair is possible. Your perspective on these events may shift once the fractures begin to heal.

You may need to tell your therapist—and I’m hoping you have one you trust, or want to find one—that you’re not interested in pursuing any reporting or recriminatory actions just now. It sounds like you need now to put yourself first, make sense of what happened, and engage in a healing process with someone who will cherish the trust you give to him or her. It is a privilege for us to be trusted, and it’s something we have to earn. Don’t feel in any hurry—in fact, I’d encourage you to go at a pace that feels right to you.

I’m sorry this happened, but so glad you wrote in. I hope this answer helped in some small way. Please don’t give up on finding the right person, in spite of this awful breach. Warmest good wishes to you.

Kind regards,
Darren

Following a traumatic event, several symptoms may arise in a person. Posttraumatic stress manifests in a variety of ways: reexperiencing the trauma via nightmares and flashbacks, avoidance of people and places that trigger memories of the event, elevated states of anxiety and arousal, and being in near-constant fight-or-flight mode, to name a few. These symptoms may last days, weeks, months, or years following traumatic experiences such as wartime combat, childhood abuse, rape, kidnapping, natural disaster, traumatic injury, or sudden death of a loved one.

Processing the emotions tied to these memories is often unsettling, and recovering from traumatic experiences typically requires a great deal of support and guidance. The good news is that there are several websites and organizations devoted to helping those who have been subject to trauma. Many are geared toward military veterans; however, plenty of sites focus on recovery for those who were victims of other forms of trauma, such as abuse or assault, whether as children or adults.

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We’ve compiled a list of the 10 best online resources for PTSD and trauma—GoodTherapy.org excluded—in 2013. As with our previous top 10 lists, our selections are based on quality and depth of content, presentation, and functionality.

• National Center for PTSD: The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs hosts this site dedicated to research and education on trauma and PTSD in the lives of veterans. There is an informational section for veterans and their loved ones, as well as for professionals who are researching and providing care for those experiencing PTSD.
• Make the Connection: This site focuses specifically on offering “shared experiences and support” for veterans. The emphasis is on the power of support in the recovery process; veterans can locate local resources and access a wide range of information on dealing with PTSD as well as transitioning from service, the death of family or friends, and alcohol or drug problems. The video gallery features several personal stories of military veterans who have found hope and recovery in spite of flashbacks and other experiences. Online self-assessment screenings are also available to determine if a veteran has PTSD, depression, or a substance-abuse issue.
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Alliance: This network of professional and advocacy organizations has come together to provide an array of educational resources for those experiencing PTSD and their friends and family. In addition to combat veterans, the site is geared toward those who have experienced rape, physical assault, other forms of sexual assault, domestic or intimate partner violence, serious injury or accident, shooting or stabbing, sudden death of a loved one, childhood illness, witnessing a serious crime, and natural disaster. The PTSD Alliance also offers two free, downloadable booklets in their “resource center” to guide people through recovery.
• Gift From Within: This international nonprofit for survivors of trauma and victimization is in its 20th year of service. The site is rich with resources, information, and useful tools for those recovering from trauma of many kinds. In the “trauma support” section, tips from survivors for therapists, guided meditations, and stories from “support pals” can be accessed. In the bookstore, visitors can sift through a number of titles organized by topics, such as children and teens; healing and recovery from illness; healing and recovery for survivors and supporters; PTSD treatment, trauma, and violence; sexual abuse—male and female; and sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence.  There are also DVDs on PTSD available for purchase.
• Real Warriors: Another site devoted to combat veterans and their loved ones, Real Warriors is an engaging, content-rich resource for help with the “invisible wounds” of war. The general message is that no one goes into combat and comes home unchanged, and that cultivating resilience and “real strength” is essential to recovery. Videos and podcasts are available for viewing and download, and veterans are encouraged to reach out and get the help they need. Several veterans share their personal stories of PTSD on the site, and others are encouraged to do the same. There is also a military crisis line and live chat number for those who need immediate assistance.
• My PTSD: This site is primarily a network of forums for those who are experiencing PTSD. Specific forums are designated for combat, domestic violence, sexual abuse, and traumatic stress, as well as a general PTSD discussion thread. There are also smaller threads for topics such as book clubs, events, studies and research, and recommending trauma physicians. In the “articles” section of the site, several insightful pieces are available on a variety of helpful topics such as finding negative core beliefs, recovery, effective treatments for PTSD, and treating the trauma of rape with cognitive behavioral therapy, among others.
• Trauma Survivors Network: In partnership with hospitals across the United States, the American Trauma Society created this community-oriented network of people and their families recovering from trauma. Through the Trauma Survivors Network, people can access local trauma center information, peer support groups, peer visitation opportunities, a parent and family handbook, survivor stories, a community forum, and more. TSN’s “NextSteps” program helps survivors to become autonomous self-managers while recovering from trauma. There is also a “family class” for those who are in caregiver and support roles for those who are experiencing PTSD.
• Sidran Institute: The Sidran Institute is a nonprofit organization devoted to helping people understand and recover from PTSD, dissociation, and co-occurring issues such as substance abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. The site offers educational articles, resources, and information for adults, adolescents, and children who have survived trauma, as well as for schools, community support groups, and mental health and victims services professionals. Trainings are also available through the site for those who wish to deepen their knowledge of PTSD and other trauma-related issues.
• PTSD Association: Along with being greeted by a PTSD self-assessment test, visitors to this site will find a large body of useful information pertaining to PTSD. Founded by Ute Lawrence-Fisher, who survived the “most horrific car pile-up in Canadian history” in 1999, the PTSD Association aims to help those who are recovering from trauma to reclaim their lives. Clinical information, personal stories, coping strategies, and related links are among the resources available.
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network: With informational sections for parents and caregivers, medical professionals, military children and their families, and educators, the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) covers all bases of child traumatic stress. Established by the U.S. Congress in 2000, the NCTSN offers guidance, tools, and links for coping with and recovering from neglect, natural disasters, sexual or physical abuse, terrorism, grief, refugee and war-zone trauma, traumatic illness, early childhood trauma, and school, community, or domestic violence. Numbers for various child and adolescent crisis lines are also provided.

Have a website you would like to see in our Top 10? Recommend it here.

As a clinical psychologist and certified addictions counselor, I see husbands, wives, and partners in individual or couples therapy on a daily basis grappling with the decision to leave or divorce their spouse or partner. Therapists have long referred to the three “A’s” of divorce as legitimate reasons to consider ending a relationship when the behavior of one’s partner is clearly destructive, abusive, or there is no reason to believe it will improve. Psychologists have suggested that the top three reasons for divorce are abuse, addiction, and affairs.

Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs.

When people ask me whether they should leave their partner or initiate divorce proceedings, very often it is because of one of the above. Any one of these issues, in and of itself, can be severe enough to make the answer to this question simple, yet it is an intensely personal and complex choice and the decision must be made in the context of careful consideration for oneself, one’s family, and the state and federal laws pertaining to the behavior. It is of utmost importance that, when faced with a partner who is engaged in these behaviors, one consults a professional and receives support, education, and counseling.

These are not decisions that should be made in a vacuum—or alone. As the social creatures and pack animals that we are, we have evolved over time to need and rely on social supports to better understand ourselves and the situations in which we find ourselves. Seeking help and support is a necessary, if not sufficient, first step in making the right decision for ourselves when coping with addiction, affairs, or abuse.

Many people do recover. While keeping safety in mind first and foremost, any one instance of the three “A’s” may be something that couples can bounce back from if they receive enough help and support.

[fat_widget_left]One person with whom I worked found that she began to have feelings for a man she met online who was living in another state. She had no physical relationship with this man, but she continued to be connected with him for two years in what she later determined to be an emotional affair. When she and her husband finally entered couples therapy, she was able to confess her feelings for this man and her “emotional infidelity,” and end the affair promptly. She was able to work on what led her to stray from her husband and to articulate the ways in which she felt she was not getting her needs met at home and in their relationship, and they were able to make changes in order to save their marriage.

Another case of forgiving a violation of the three “A’s” involved a couple in which the man was physically abusive. He would block his wife’s exit from a door when she wanted to leave the house, jealously hack into her email, listen to her phone messages, and place restrictions on when she could go out and with whom she could spend time. At one point, he shoved her and she fell, almost bumping her head on a coffee table. While these are considered abusive behaviors in most states and punishable by law, the couple was able to learn about the definition of abuse—physical, sexual, and emotional—and the man fully engaged in individual and group counseling. He found a local therapist who ran groups for men with anger and physical abuse problems, enrolled in that program, and worked hard on himself for two years to save his marriage and family.

Often, couples enter counseling when marriages are on the brink and it becomes clear that one or both partners need individual counseling before the couples work can be successful. This last case is an obvious example where individual therapy would be essential at the start. The husband in this instance began individual therapy and conjoint group therapy, focusing on anger management and coping skills. Most importantly, he was able to identify and stop the abusive behavior, and the couple was able to resume their progress in couples counseling. After significant time and work, they were able to salvage their relationship and the marriage. This involved the wife’s ability to forgive and trust her husband again, of course, but also the husband’s ability to express his anger toward her in a more acceptable, healthy, and helpful way. The wife certainly needed her own individual therapy before she was even close to being willing to begin the couples counseling.

Addiction may be no different from affairs and abuse in this regard. When one’s addiction is severe, it is clearly grounds for ending a relationship or getting a divorce, but by no means is this always the case. When a husband, wife, or partner adequately addresses his or her drug and alcohol issues or other addictive issues, such as shopping addiction, gambling, or love or sex addiction, a couple can recover from the hurt, shame, and consequences of the addictive behaviors.

Many people are familiar with the quote, “We’re not responsible for falling down, but we are responsible for getting back up.” This is a wonderful analogy for the “disease” model of addiction. If you are walking along, don’t see a hole, and you fall in it, it isn’t your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to get up, to get out of the hole or ask for help. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease. It is sometimes a hereditary illness, a brain disease characterized by chronic relapse with psychosocial, biological, personal, and cultural origins. However, once someone knows that they have an addiction, they are responsible for picking themselves up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places, and things associated with their addiction, and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings, and the use of a support network such as a 12-step fellowship.

A few important things to remember: The three “A’s” and the behaviors surrounding them need to cease right away. In some cases this can be a work in progress, but in others it can’t. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse needs to stop immediately. Some of these behaviors are obviously illegal and nonnegotiable. There is no way to continue an affair and work on one’s marriage at the same time. Individuals need a comprehensive assessment and evaluation to determine the appropriate level of care and to engage in the level of treatment and support that will keep them and others safe. After this is determined, if treatment is not working adequately and that level of treatment is deemed insufficient, then the individual will need to step up his or her treatment to a higher level of care.

Often, separation is a good idea as couples learn about the addiction, affairs, or abuse. A healthy separation can enable individuals to focus on their treatment and come together as needed when both are ready. This sort of separation enables both parties and their family to recognize that recovery is an individual’s responsibility and it is also a family affair. Whether children or extended family know explicitly about what is going on, to be sure, they are all affected. So when an individual begins recovery, so too does the family, and each member of the family may need support and/or counseling.

It is a spouse’s or partner’s responsibility to communicate to his or her partner what is acceptable and what is not. It is also incumbent on a spouse or partner to become educated about the law, about the disease of addiction, and to learn as much about the psychological underpinnings of the three “A’s” and these sorts of behaviors as possible. It is a partner’s responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible about what he or she believes is going on and to insist that his or her partner get help.

Rarely is anyone able to work through these sorts of problems without the support of professional help. Finding someone to help you and your spouse these days is very easy, however. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a great place to start. You can also contact your local city or state psychological society or association. Speak with a physician or friend you know who has been in counseling and ask them or their therapist for a referral. Most local therapists are willing to consult at no charge over the phone to help you determine if they might be a good match for you or your spouse.

During a discussion in my Family Studies class, we talked about the different type of families and why there are issues in the family. I couldn’t help but to think about my situation and my own family issues, and, instantly, lack of communication came into my head as a reason why there are issues in some families.

The reason I chose lack of communication as the main catalyst for families falling apart is that I’ve experienced it personally. I was born in the West African country of Sierra Leone. I lived there with my mom and dad until I was about 8 years of age and was brought to America and my mother’s younger sister was given custody of me. She became my mother and I became her child. Things seemed perfect, and to my family back home I was living the best life there is. I was in the land where everyone wanted to be—America.

And everything was great, because it was the two of us together; she loved me like I was her very own child and I loved her, for she was now my mother. It wasn’t until a third person—a man—was added to our family that we were divided. Everything started falling apart because I was left in the dark. Things were never shared between my new mother and me. We still communicated; however, the things that should have been shared and talked about were deemed too taboo to be spoken off. As she decided to be with this man, nothing was discussed with me. Even though I was a child I still believed that if someone else is to be a part of my life, I deserved some input.

When I was in high school, during my 10th grade year, she decided that we were going to move in with the man. Once again, it was as if my opinion did not matter—I was never asked about how I felt about moving in with this man, or whether I even wanted to move in with him. My mother was simply focused on her well-being, which drastically divided us. I figured, if she was not involving me in life’s big decisions then why should I let her know what was going on in my life?

We continued to live together, yet we were so far apart. We never talked about anything pertaining to what issues I was having in school or things that were going on in my life. There were times we would go out to the movies or out shopping like the “normal” mother and daughter, but during those times when we were supposed to have bonding experiences, all we would talk about was the weather. Sometimes we didn’t even say much of anything to each other. We drifted so far apart that now our relationship is nonexistent.

For so long I felt nothing but rage and anger. Questions filled my heart. Why was she with him? With everything in me I hated him because of what he did to me while she wasn’t around—all the rude comments he would make and sexual advances toward me. There was so much hatred in me! It transferred over to her as well; if only she would have asked how I felt about us living with him, maybe I would have shared more with her.

Breaking the Silence

I eventually told her everything that happened in that house while she wasn’t around: his rude comments, as well as his sexual harassment. More secrets came out, and things that for so many years I held inside and had never spoken of to anyone. She asked, “Why now?” She wanted to know why I waited so long to tell her. I said, “I know it’s not the ‘right’ time to tell you because you’ve been in the relationship for so long, but it is never too late for someone to know the truth.”

I did not go to a professional therapist per se. I had therapy from an older friend who had his master’s in psychology. He was the first person I talked to about the problems I was dealing with. He helped me face my issues, rather than ignoring them like I’ve always done. Before, I would avoid issues by not talking about them or by dismissing them. Before opening up to him I always buried the pain, anger, hurt, rage, and fear. But he helped me to take on all these emotions firsthand. So I decided to talk to my mother about everything I went through as a child—how I felt like my feelings did not matter, and how she chose her husband over me, always.

The process helped me, because rather than doing what I always did as a child—that is, either avoiding the situation or completely dismissing—I was able to express everything that for so long I kept bottled up inside of me. I was finally able to TALK about it. After releasing years and years of emotions, I was finally able to let go. My mother finally understood where I was coming from—why for so many years we never really had a relationship, why I was never fond of her husband, and why I disliked him so much.

Peace, Healing, and God

Today, I am on my own. I have my own apartment, I go to school full time, and I am working to be successful. I have yet to know what my mother did about her relationship with the man. She wanted us to sit and talk as a family about everything that happened in that house, but I said no; I needed time to truly let go of everything. I needed time to find me, I need time to heal—and healing begins by finally talking about it). I don’t know what the future holds for us, but it is my prayer that things get better and that she finally realizes the man she chose is not healthy for her life.

While our communication is minimal, I try to keep a relationship with my mother, mostly because of God. I believe that whatever is tied here on earth has been bound in Heaven. I want to be able to live my life without anger, without rage. I want peace. I want to be forgiven for my mistakes because I was not the perfect child, and I’m still not a perfect person. Most of all I want to be able to forgive, and I don’t want anything to come between me and my blessings from God because of me not communicating to the woman who raised me.

For the rest of my life, I don’t have to be angry any more. I don’t have to feel afraid or hold things in. I can live my life the way I want to, and the way I feel is best for my well-being. And although my relationship with my mother has forever changed, now at least she knows why things are the way they are between us. I have no regrets about anything.

Why do some things spark sexual excitement for one person while those same things leave another person quite uninterested?

I frequently speak to people who are upset because they’re indulging in sexually compulsive behaviors that cause problems in their lives. (I want to emphasize these are not the same as turn-ons or fetishes that any couple might happily incorporate into love-making or sexual play. No problems there!)

Sometimes sexual feelings and behaviors become a problem because they get in the way of healthy intimacy. For example, one man secretly discovered porn on Dad’s smart phone at an early age. Now he becomes sexually aroused whenever he’s alone and picks up his smart phone. Another grew up in a rural area where he peeked into the outhouse to watch female family members urinate. Now he uses spy cams in restrooms or pays prostitutes to give “golden showers.”

Women also find themselves thinking and participating in sometimes dangerous behaviors that are sparked by early experiences that are exciting, confusing, or, more often, traumatic. For example, if a woman experiences sexual, physical, or emotional abuse as a child she may move into adulthood finding that again and again she is attracted to dangerous, high-risk sexual encounters with volatile or unavailable people.

When sex becomes a problem, it is useful to explore our arousal template, which is a mix of physiology and learning based on relational or sexual experiences. A template is a pattern or blue print of how and why individuals think or behave in habitual ways. Arousal is an automatic knee-jerk sexual reaction that is usually closely related to excitement, fear, or how we’ve been wounded.

Almost anything can become an unconscious trigger that cues us to become sexually excited or aroused. The Internet provides thousands of examples. Numerous websites feature young girls (often fully clothed) smoking cigarettes. These sites cater to men who became obsessed as adolescents with girls who smoke. Objects that are sexualized include shoes, cars, lingerie, or anything made of leather. This last example can be linked with sensation (the feel of leather against the skin) or scent.

Emotions such as rage, fear, shame, pain, loneliness, and sadness trigger some people to sexual arousal, as do physical characteristics. Most of us can relate to feeling attracted to a particular height, weight, hair color, and body shape, as in, “well, s/he is really not my type…” Or perhaps someone is, and we are “hooked”—there’s that arousal template again!

It organizes what we believe about consent, equality, respect, trust, safety, dishonesty, domination, objectification, power, and control. Arousal templates also shape what is valuable, worthwhile, thrilling, or desirable, and just as importantly, what is to be feared and avoided. It is primarily an unconscious map of how we have become wired sexually, built on preferences already determined by basic survival instincts.

Fortunately, most of us are not compelled by violent arousal templates to act out in a violent manner. Fantasy can be a delicious and enjoyable way to spice up sex with a partner or engage in self-pleasuring. Some of us, however, are overwhelmed and debilitated by the vagaries of our arousal template.

Used in conjunction with experience of different types of sexual patterns and courtship developments, the arousal template is an essential tool to help therapists gradually detail components of a client’s sexual history. Each of us possesses a unique model of sexuality, formed at least in part by incoming family messages, childhood abuse or neglect, culture, the media, and, of course, religious influences.

As we explore and better understand our childhood relational experiences and memories we get to deconstruct our arousal template with what I like to call “compassionate curiosity.” As we explore these early messages, we can recognize and gently release old patterns that no longer serve us. This is what sexual healing is all about!

According to the results of a recent study, men who have experienced childhood maltreatment and stress prefer romantic partners who are heavy rather than thin. Jason M. Fletcher of the Department of Health Policy and Management at the Yale School of Public Health in Connecticut chose to extend the research on resource scarcity which suggests that people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or maltreatment are drawn to heavier body types because of the perceived ability of that body type to provide resources.

However, until now, few studies have looked at potential differences between types of childhood stress and their independent impact on body type preference. Additionally, little research has been devoted to the preference of men versus women. Therefore, Fletcher studied male and female teenage participants and evaluated their body type preferences during high school and into early adulthood. He looked at their childhood experiences of stress, abuse, neglect, maltreatment, socioeconomic status, and other factors to arrive at his findings.

The results revealed two distinct and unique patterns. First, men who had a history of neglect, abuse, or maltreatment of any kind tended to be attracted to obese women rather than thin women. The severity of the abuse was directly associated with the increased body mass index (BMI) of the women men chose as partners. This result supports existing research in this area.

However, in contrast to some of the literature on this topic, the women with abuse or neglect histories were more likely to be romantically attracted to thin men rather than heavy or obese men. Fletcher believes that for many women, the visible appearance of strength, as exhibited by a chest-waist ratio, may be a better indicator of resource availability than BMI alone.

“Overall these results in part confirm previous work on body type preference,” said Fletcher, “But also suggest opportunities for future research.” One area of research that could further strengthen our understanding of the neglect-partner preference association is to focus on sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse independently and determine what influence, if any, the body type of the perpetrator has on survivors’ mate preferences.

Reference:
Fletcher, J.M., Tefft, N. (2013). The long-term effects of stress on partner weight characteristics. PLoS ONE 8(6): e66353. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0066353

In my work with adult survivors of sexual assault, I am beginning to notice a pattern of behavior that I have termed “wounded attachment.” The impact of childhood sexual assault has reverberating effects on almost every facet of survivors’ livelihood, from relationships with family, friends, partners, spouses, and children to their jobs, finances, faith, etc. It is as if sexual assault redefines one’s pattern of and trajectory in life.

Sexual assault is the act of forcing, enticing, intimidating, or coercing another person to engage in a sexual activity, from fondling to coitus, when the other person is unwilling or unable (as is the case of one who is underage, drugged, or unconscious). Imagine yourself as a child, seeing the world through a child’s eyes, and then being introduced to a violent act—an act that serves to not only damage one’s physical body and mental/cognitive mind-set, but also disrupt one’s spiritual being.

This one act for some—repeated acts of violence for others—does untold amounts of damage to one’s psyche. Yet the resilience I’ve witnessed from many who choose to live their lives after the violence is remarkable. Unfortunately, for many the damage is such that many are unaware of how it has skewed their way of looking at the world. This sometimes is displayed in the relationships subsequent to the sexual assault.

Far too often, survivors believe that once the assault ends, it is done and they don’t need to talk about it. Yet the choices made, the decisions not made, and the relationships that come afterward tell a different story. Wounded attachment is an insidious component that I have seen repeatedly in my work with adult survivors of childhood sexual assault. What is wounded attachment? It’s the unconscious way of being attracted or attached to someone or something that reminds the survivor of or reinforces the wound/trauma, or in this case the sexual assault. At its core, it’s the way in which survivors subconsciously seek out relationships that reinforce the wounded aspect of themselves.

[fat_widget_left]Sometimes it is displayed in the choice of employment/work. For example, survivors may find themselves working at a job that belittles them, makes them feel worthless, or where they feel like they have to make everyone else happy at the expense of their own happiness, thereby reinforcing their wounded concept of self. Another example is when a survivor is continually engaged in romantic relationships that serve to reinforce the wounded parts of self.

As a child, depending on when the assault occurred and the developmental stage in which it occurred, the person seeks to please the adult and gain affection, attention, nurturing, love, trust, etc. A child who has been sexually assaulted blurs that idea of love, nurturing, trust, attention, and affection, and begins to believe that the only way to receive love, attention, etc., is to please the “assaulter.” This remains in effect as the child matures into adulthood.

Although the assault is no longer occurring, if the child did not receive any type of counseling, intervention, or effective treatment to process and repair the damage to the mind, body, and psyche, then this adult is continuing to live out the wounds experienced as a child. As such, the adult becomes caught in a cycle of relationships that reinforce the wounded attachments. Awareness of this plays a crucial role in helping adult survivors of sexual assault move toward recovery, resiliency, and healing.

It has been well established that adverse childhood experiences (ACE) result in negative outcomes. People who have experienced neglect, emotional abuse, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, or other traumatic events in childhood are at increased risk for psychological and physical illnesses.

Divorce, death of a parent, caregiver mental illness, and other environmental factors also place children at increased risk for negative behaviors, including smoking, drug use, and sexual risk taking. Psychological illnesses such as post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideation are often associated with ACE.

Some research has even suggested that ACE increases the likelihood of cancer and other chronic illnesses by way of risky and maladaptive behavior and through changes in physiological and biological elements during childhood. Specifically, incidences of lung cancer and heart disease have been found to be higher in people with ACE most often as a result of smoking. However, until now, no study has looked specifically at how ACE affects risk of all cancers in childhood and adulthood.

Monique J. Brown of the Department of Family Medicine and Population Health at the Virginia Commonwealth University School of Medicine in Virginia wanted to examine whether or not ACEs increased overall risk of cancer. Brown assessed a large sample of participants and evaluated their ACE in relation to either cancer in childhood or adulthood.

She found that over 60% of all the participants had experienced at least one ACE and nearly 10% had a history of cancer. Of all the types of ACE, childhood sexual abuse was the most common in those with adult cancer, but appeared to have little impact on childhood cancer. The rate of cancer prevalence among the participants with ACE was much higher than the national average of 4.2% and suggests that ACE, and in particular, childhood sexual abuse, has a strong indirect impact on cancer risk in adulthood.

Brown was unable to find any evidence of ACE influencing childhood cancer risk, which suggests that biological and physiological effects of ACE may have less of an impact on overall health than the behavioral and emotional impacts of ACEs. Brown believes that these results reveal a particular segment of the population in need of early intervention. She added, “More research should focus on the impact of sexual abuse ACEs and adverse health outcomes.”

Reference:
Brown, M.J., Thacker, L.R., Cohen, S.A. (2013). Association between adverse childhood experiences and diagnosis of cancer. PLoS ONE 8(6): e65524. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0065524

In my previous article, I touched on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery. I decided to write a second article as a follow-up for individuals who wish to explore further how to move forward through this specific healing process.

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As mentioned previously, recovery from this form of abuse can take a fair amount of months (or even years in some cases), given the insidious and covert nature of the emotional abuse (Sokol and Carter). Individuals who exhibit malignantly narcissistic behaviors are predatory in nature and seek to “conquer” targets to fuel their narcissistic supply (NS), which is the emotional sustenance which drives and fills them. These people thrive on attention (negative or positive) and will do anything in their power to ensure that their primary and secondary sources of NS are working in concert to feed the insecure ego of a broken psyche. Although by no means exhaustive of the complexity describing the individual suffering from narcissism, the DSM-IV states that people with narcissism exhibit the following traits: inflated sense of superiority, grandiosity, attention-seeking, self-absorption, arrogance, entitlement, and limited capacity to empathize and reciprocate in relationships.

Trapping a Target

It would make sense that individuals pulling away from someone like this would experience tremendous loss and trauma (Brown). Initially the person with narcissism presents as a knight in shining armor, completely in sync with the target’s emotions and dreams. The target is unaware that the individual then hones in on the target, studying the desired love object so that he or she can then act as the target’s soulmate, in essence.

This “hunting” can occur on dating websites or in the initial stages of dating (Brown). The target, who generally has the capacity for true, mature intimacy and love, is intelligent, attractive, and successful, then falls head over heels in love with the person with narcissistic tendencies. Subsequently, that individual then feigns love for the target. And the moment the target is hooked, distancing maneuvers ensue, which serve to disorient and confuse the target.

The target then becomes incredibly confused and experiences what is called cognitive dissonance, or a state of confusion. The person with narcissism had expressed love, but is now exhibiting distancing and detaching behaviors, which are not in alignment with the initial honeymoon stage (Carter and Sokol). Eventually, the individual is fully satiated on NS and then becomes bored and tired with it, because the target is merely an object or a vessel to obtain NS.

The target is devalued and discarded when the individual exhibiting narcissism no longer feels the need to court the individual who is a source of NS (Carter and Sokol). Ultimately, the target is left wondering what happened, and how someone who seemed so perfect as a soulmate completely undid everything that the target worked so hard to build. It was the target who fell in love with that individual, not the other way around. The person with narcissism purely was “feeding” on the NS, and as soon as his/her ego was full, the target was no longer considered useful (Payson).

Motivations of Narcissism

At that point, the individual with narcissism will either vanish completely or will say and do certain cruel and emotionally abusive things designed to injure the psyche of the target. He or she actually seeks to cause harm, and straddles the line of sociopathy (Brown). Ultimately, the target has no way of understanding what happened and is left with confusion, shock, disbelief, and betrayal.

Because people who tend toward narcissism always needs newer and fresher sources of supply, they have a habit of devaluing and discarding targets (Hotchkiss). They may be incapable of true love, empathy, reciprocity, kindness, and compassion. In essence, they may have broken psyches, much like a broken appliance (Hotchkiss).

Studies show that there is very limited effectiveness in treating narcissism in psychotherapy, as it can be firmly hardwired to someone’s personality due to largely environmental circumstances that occurred in his or her early childhood (Martinez-Lewi), including parental abandonment and severe abuse. It could be that they had inconsistent sources of love as children, if any at all, and to survive childhood, they had to create an outward mask to the world of the perfect individual. Underneath, these children could be empty and lacking a core sense of self, prone to depression and anxiety without NS to fill a void. Adults who are narcissistic are often referred to as developmentally stuck at age 5, when their emotional maturity ceased (Hotchkiss).

So what is a person to do if they have been crossed by this kind of toxic personality? First, I would say that though the pain is initially intense, you are blessed that the person with narcissism left. And no contact with this person will result in any form of healthy exchange.

The No-Contact Rule

Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to like coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.

The target is capable of empathy, reciprocity, true and mature love, and growing in a relationship. People with narcissistic behaviors are generally not. They are only capable of deceptively seducing preselected targets to fill a psychological void. The same cycle may repeat every time. It is so imperative that the target understand the process of grieving the loss of the fantasy of the person who narcissistically manipulated him or her.

Those with narcissistic behaviors are usually hard-pressed to find a healthy connection in any relationship. When the masks are pulled off, they realize they cannot manipulate and seduce as they are accustomed to. Too many people have caught on and discovered who they really are.

Luckily, for those whose lives have been touched (or slightly marred), there is a path to healing. This process takes place through no contact, a compassionate and understanding psychotherapist, and a support forum (whether online or in person). Those who have been targets heal and move on to love others in healthy, mature relationships.

Resources:

1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com:  Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
2. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
3. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
4. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
5. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW