Out of the Darkness: Three Steps to Emotional Healing

Person in yellow raincoat with yellow umbrella walks through snowy forest at night

Much of the United States has had a long, harsh, and cold winter. While it seemed like it would never end, some of us are starting to see the light of spring.

Winter can be a perfect representation of the darkness and despair that we feel from time to time. Whether it is grief associated with death, a trauma that we had to endure, or the end of a relationship, we all have had experiences of darkness and despair that feel never-ending.

But when you have lived long enough and seen enough winters, you know that the despair and darkness do not last forever. There comes a time when the pain recedes, is not all-consuming, and you have a desire to live life again.

The process of re-emerging into life can be challenging. When you have been wearing the cloak of sadness, grief, or depression for so long, it can feel strange to walk through the world without it. You may even experience a cultural shock, in a sense. Coming back into the world can seem different and even strange.

Just as it takes time to deal with a difficult emotion, it takes time to adjust to its leaving you. It is a process of recognizing that the pain is no longer all-consuming. There are steps you can take to help you navigate this re-emergence:


Reach out to your support system. Many people retreat into isolation when they are struggling with depression or grief; it is necessary to reconnect with people and activities you previously enjoyed. Rather than let the shame or embarrassment of being out of touch stop you from reconnecting, speak to it. Call a friend and acknowledge that you were out of touch. Apologize and tell him or her why it’s been so long since you called. Let the person know that his or her friendship is important to you.


As you reconnect with people and activities, you will need to take time to review what you came through. Think about the grief and sadness that you experienced. Consider how you dealt with it. Ask yourself:

  • How did I get through the grief? What did I do?
  • Who helped me through this rough time?
  • What do I need now to continue my healing?

Reviewing the depression and grief can be scary; it might feel as if you will fall right back into the despair. But the contrary is true. Reviewing your sadness allows you to see your resiliency and how you survived. It also provides an opportunity to consider options you may try in the future when facing challenges.


Finally, it is time to rest. People often wonder, “What do I need to rest for? I was just in my bed/house for two months!” Grief and sadness are exhausting. Recuperating from them is a necessary part of the healing process. Allow your body to be active as you re-engage with the world, but also let your emotions rest, as they have been on a roller coaster of sadness, darkness, and re-emergence to light.

Taking the time to process and come out of the darkness is a foundational tool that you can use throughout your lifetime. When life is challenging, as it will be, you will not only survive it but come through in a way that is healing and compassionate toward yourself.

© Copyright 2014 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • TJ

    March 20th, 2014 at 11:50 AM

    This isn’t something that will automatically happen on its own- you have to want to make it happen. You have to work to make that healing happen, and it won’t happen overnight. There will be those who will make the conscious effort to want to come out of the darkeness and then sadly there will be those who will choose to stay there. Where will you choose to stay?

  • elaine rainone

    November 27th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    i lost my husband, the love of my life on august 6th ,,,, suddenly …. i am going to choose to remain in grief ,,, nobody can help me ….

  • charity

    February 2nd, 2017 at 10:05 AM

    God bless you all for sharing your heart. I will keep you all in my prayers for strength and courage. I wont say I understand what youve experienced but I know our God was with you and I trust that the prayers will connect to you from me through His comfort. Peace, comfort and love fall on you like a blanket of warmth each and every day in Jesus name. God bless you all. and to Elaine I hope you will choose to walk daily with Him until He heals you through your grief. thats what God is here for. love- Charity

  • Jean

    April 1st, 2017 at 3:18 PM

    After my husband died my grief was all consuming. I isolated, cried non-stop, and went to bed for 2 months. I never knew I could feel pain so great and breathe minute by minute through it. People would say give it time and in time the headache would slowly ease. I told them that “time” was not a friend of mine. As the years past by I did come out of that dark, heart wrenching period. But what I learned is grief is extremely personal and unfortunately a solo journey. I learned to never ever judge how or the time period in which people grieve. I learned grief is a process to go through and not a place to stay in. Staying stuck in grief could have obeen very toxic for me. “Though we grieve, we do not have to be consumed. Deep pain and loss doesn’t have to paralyze us. It doesn’t have to embitter us or ruin us or sideline us forever. We may face irreplaceable losses and feel irretrievably broken so that the wholeness of our personhood is seemingly gone, and yet, adversity, loss and heartache can carve us into gentler, more compassionate, more loving humans, richer than ever before.” – Joan Rivers

  • Sarah M

    January 6th, 2018 at 8:14 AM

    I lost my husband on August The wind this year I’m finding it very difficult to cope with the grieving process, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same

  • tammy

    May 30th, 2018 at 5:58 AM

    I remain in grief for my beloved pet d eevchichi.sprout….I loved him more than I ever thought and I can’t get over it…I’m bipolar manic depressive….I don’t care about ANYTHING….anymore.I lost half my leg and I wheelchair….not looking for sympathy looking for a way to stop crying everyday…can u help me?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 30th, 2018 at 7:25 AM

    Dear Tammy,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jean

    April 4th, 2017 at 4:17 AM

    So True.

  • Ginger

    March 20th, 2014 at 2:56 PM

    On the reciprocal end, reach out to loved ones you know are in need. Don’t fully expect then to always come to you. Show the that you care with a card, with a word, with a text or a phone call, anything that they know that they have not been forgotten about. They may need their space but they also need to know that when the time is right and they are ready to emerge from that darkness they have you theer to help guide them.

  • edie

    March 21st, 2014 at 3:52 AM

    I had some really horrible losses happen for me this winter. I lost my sister and my mom and this has made it feel like I have lost an extension of myself. I want to feel normal again but it seems like I never will. I am hoping that day by day things will get a little better byt every time something that happens that reminds me of them, it makes me sad all over agin and I feel like for every little bit of progress I have made this pushes me back some.

  • Jerome

    March 21st, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    It can be good to take a look back and realize just exactly how strong you must have been to have come through this whole and intact. To come through this kind of grief and emotional turmoil would be difficult for anyone, and yet here you are ready to emerge back into a sense of normalcy again. Sure it may be different from what you once knew, but you made it and yes, you are a stronger and more self aware person as a result of it. That is something that you should pat yourself on the shoulder for!

  • Reed

    March 21st, 2014 at 1:18 PM

    Resting after something like this happens to you is so important!
    You might think that after all the time you have spent in the bed that you are well rested but you could still be so drained from the grieving process itself that you still need to take the time to recuperate and relax.
    Try to take some time for you doing the things that you once enjoyed and ease your way back into life. A massage could help or even a nice hike, something that could help relax you and simultaneously take your mind off of the stressful events that you have been living with. This is going to be a rough journey but incrementally, if you find new ways to take care of yourself, you can discover ways to enjoy yourself again.

  • Tonya Ladipo

    March 21st, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    Edie, I’m sorry to hear of the losses of your mother and sister. Even when you feel like you’re moving forward and making progress you’ll still have times of sadness.

  • Edie

    March 22nd, 2014 at 5:58 AM

    Thanks Tonya. It has been so hard because these women were my rocks, you know? They understood me better than wny two people alive and now they are gone and I have to wonder if I will ever have that from anyone again. But your words mean a lot and I know that I will get there, but there will still be a lot of tears along the way!

  • Gretta

    March 23rd, 2014 at 4:32 AM

    all of the steps to recovery can be difficult but I find that the review part can be the hardest and most painful.
    you are forced in many ways to relive things that in some ways you would rather avoid, but that is the key to complete and total healing.
    do not neglect the process and think that the best thing to do is to ignore it and move on
    there is a reason for the process, it is to save you from further hurt.
    allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that you are feeling and feel them to the fullest.
    embrace them in some ways, recognize them, acknowledge them, and then deal with them at your own pace.

  • vern

    March 24th, 2014 at 3:49 AM

    I have always found that during times of sadness there will always be true friends by your side but everyone else will seem to disappear. This can make it challenging to reconnect with others when you are ready to emerge from that darkness. So you may not reemerge with the same friends but perhaps this could be the signal that it is ok and time to make some new ones.

  • Me

    December 29th, 2016 at 8:52 PM

    I have lost two children and the people who were suppose to be my friends disappeared even my family They all want to pretend life is the same but it will never be the same for me Their lives are the same, but will forever be changed and my heart is missing pieces and I will never be who I was before The people that are around always try to change the topic, they say things that are to me not nice , but to them they nieve one who has never been their can never comprehend your loss the devastating disaster your life has had They are the lucky ones, I am where no parent ever wants to be a nightmare you can never wake up from. Would be nice to have people who understood what I am going through, it is lonely in this world.

  • Melinda R.

    December 31st, 2016 at 7:25 AM

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right-nobody can completely understand another’s loss and the loss of a child should never happen. Our children should always pass after us. With regards to healing yourself, only you can step through the fire to the other side. People can try to help but ultimately there is a healing process and stages of grief that must be experienced in order to completely return to the land of the living and productive. You said you lost two children, so if the healing from the first child was still not addressed – and a lot of us do that, we tuck it down somewhere inside, then a second loss happens no matter what it is, it is a tough road back. Not impossible. In a Zig Ziglar lecture, I heard him say when he lost his young daughter – after the initial grief, rather than feeling devastated and angry and all those mixed feeling which come with a loss such as that , he said – I was grateful for the time I had with her. What a beautiful sentiment. To turn a negative into a positive. Listening to some Zig Ziglar would be good for you. No matter what your economic status this is available to you – free on you tube or your local library. No library access, you can use any library Benjamin Franklin made this available to you , you just can’t take anything out but at the library – it’s free. You did not say when this occured. After an initial stages of grief period (nobody can say how long this is only you) if your life is not getting back on track, perhaps a visit to your GP for a good talk about how you are feeling, possibly even a mild antidepressant? There is nothing is wrong with relying on something like that to help you over a bump in life. If your friends seem to be absent – maybe you should access them individually to see if these people are beneficial to you anymore. Some people are only with us for a “season” in our lives. As we grow, people fall away and God provides new ones to be with us. I would hope you have some real friends to help you through this period. If people don’t know what to say and avoid you, that is troubling for sure but this is a tough situation and it’s tough to know what to say. Besides I’m sorry, I always say – I don’t know what to say. It’s honest. You said nothing of your personal life so it’s hard to know if you are going to a job daily. Life keeps going even though we are dealing with something. If you don’t go out to work, find some cause you feel passionate about and do some volunteering. There you will find a group of like minded good people. Take a fun class, something you are interested in – here you will also find people to kibizts with. You have to be a friend to have a friend. Do not rush through your period of grief – there are 5 stages but all of them must be done. You are still here, your purpose has not been served. Be active in your healing – don’t languish in despair. Follow some of the suggestions and also your own, and you will feel better. God’s Peace to you. Melinda

  • Martha

    April 3rd, 2017 at 7:45 PM

    Five weeks ago I lost my Dad to liver cancer. One month ago today we were putting him to rest. I can’t even explain the turmoil and tornado of feelings that goes on inside of me. Pain that I never thought possible, that feeling of someone putting pressure on your chest. The feeling of missing a part of you that you don’t understand how to deal with. Waking up, after a night full of insomnia and that tug in your heart to tears only to force yourself to get up and go to work. Getting home from work with plans to cook, clean and get some chores such as paying bills on your mind, only to sit down, cover yourself and cry till you no longer can. Driving your child to places and drying your tears or trying your hardest not to cry. The despair of knowing that the one person who did so much for you and for others is not longer with you. This is just a little piece of how I feel. Feeling like nothing in life matters but remembering that you have two kids to live for, otherwise I wouldn’t make an effort to survive. It hurts so much that even at work I have to fight my tears. Will this pain ever lessen? I ask myself. My only comfort is that my Dad is not longer in pain.

  • Glynnis C

    March 25th, 2014 at 3:55 AM

    Most of the time people do not give themselves enough time to heal. They listen too much to other people who tell them that it is time to move on, to do this and that, and they may not be physically and emotionally ready to do it. So this is when they get very worn down and worn out, when they spend far more time listening to the distates of others instead of what their own bodies are telling that that they need. If you need to rest, then by all means, rest, and you will get back out there and reconnect when you are good and ready.

  • Melinda R.

    December 31st, 2016 at 6:50 AM

    Excellent advice Glynnis. We all heal in different time frames. You can only listen to self when it comes to this.

  • darla

    March 25th, 2014 at 4:31 PM

    Even if you have let old friends fall to the way side those who are your true friends will understand the pain that you have been through and will be there to pick up right where the two of you left off, that’s what real friends always do.

  • Pamela

    August 30th, 2014 at 12:12 PM

    I lost my husband this past June, unexpectedly from liver cancer. No one saw it coming. I cant handle this grief. The pain is unbearable. After 41 years, I cant function without him…any advice would help.. :(

  • Evelyn

    March 31st, 2017 at 8:12 AM

    Lost my husband to cancer 4 months ago after 47 years of marriage, most the time I can function but I hear a song, I see a movie he liked and I fall apart all over again.
    We were very close, never went anywhere without each other, crying while I’m writing this, have to get back to this later

  • Melinda R.

    March 31st, 2017 at 8:13 PM

    Hello Evelynn, what can I say about loss? I just got home from my fathers/parents memorial service. Of course this is different than the loss of a partner/spouse of many years. We expect our parents to die before we do and if we have a good concept of faith, affer an adjustment period, life continues. I was impressed with a woman that I met through a church I had visited . On her husbands birthday he decided to treat himself to a few hours of relaxation in a private small plane that they owned. Somehow the plane crashed and he was killed instantly. They were married 25 years. She must I would imagine have an adjustment period since she was not prepared at all.The minister told me that she said, “some people never find what we hax for 25 years.” I was amazed by her candid acceptance. Im sure she had low moments but for the most part she accepted this was Gods plan. We dont die a minute before we are suppose to. I found a similarity in listening to Zig Ziglar talk about the loss of his daughter. He said, instead of being upset and feeling mad, I was grateful fod the time I had with her. Amazing strength. Life has so many highs and lows. At our best moments we use them as learning and growing experiences. You will need to go through the stages of grief. Please search that on the internet or some other source for a better understanding and give yourself time. We all heal at a different pace. Only you know how it will be for Evelynn. Nobody else can do your healing for you. After your initial few days /weeks it would be good for you to get out and remain active. A great way to do that is to volunteer somewhere. There is always someone on a lower rung than you are. Helping others is a vreat way to help yourself. Gods Blessings to you in your journey. Im sorry for your loss. Melinda Rhodes.

  • Tonya L.

    September 6th, 2014 at 7:03 AM

    Pamela, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. After 41 years together it will take time to cope and even see light again. But it is possible and can happen with care and support from those around you.

  • Maggie

    September 17th, 2014 at 7:24 PM

    I am in great pain and find my thoughts irrational, after losing my husband of 47 years unexpectedly this year.
    I am obsessing about the past, our early days as a young happy couple,but thinking of him in his relationships before we met,hurting as though he loved and left me for someone else…all imaginary.
    How can I stop such painful thoughts?

  • Liz

    November 18th, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    its been 14 yrs, since I lost my best friend to a motorcycle accident that was driven by my brother. She was 16 and buried on my 16th birthday. Everyday I still can’t get over the accident. I hold such a grudge to my brother. Nothin has ever helped. I’ve seen a therapist and even a medium that did no help. The day she died I felt and feel a large part of y heart is missing and won’t go away. At 31 now it feels like yesterday everyday

  • Tonya Ladipo

    November 19th, 2014 at 10:19 AM

    I am so sorry for the loss and death of your best friend. It’s hard when the death results from a family member. I’m glad that you’ve talked about it and continue to talk about it. The pain may not leave you but hopefully it’s less intense.

  • Connie

    January 4th, 2015 at 4:46 PM

    Hi im in the process of healing from the loss of my mother a month ago. It is very difficult and im searching ways how to handle. It’s been like paralyzing my life and lossing will to do things. People says be strong but really it’s difficult to do. Can u please give me an advice

  • Tonya Ladipo

    January 5th, 2015 at 6:09 PM

    I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. Being strong has nothing to do with grieving. Sadness and grief are painful to deal with though it is possible. Find a good listener who can hear the many emotions you’re experiencing. A counselor is a also great option.

  • Nancy W.

    March 26th, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    It is very surprising and also very reassuring for me to learn that the “coming out of the darkness” is not unique to me. After my longtime beloved companion died I went into a place of pain and grief, feeling that it would last forever. Now three months have passed and Im aware that a door is really opening for me to walk back out into the world and I’m changed for better.

    I’m so glad I read your advice. Thank you

  • maschad

    July 14th, 2015 at 7:44 AM

    my daughter lost her husband in a tragic accident at the age of 30 and now a widow with 4 children. I am scared and concerned for her because she refuses to get help or counseling, my grandchildren are suffering from her non-ability to deal with this loss. Looking for a place for her to get help.

  • Rusty

    July 14th, 2015 at 12:01 PM

    The time has come for me to completely let go of the past. When my husband died I didn’t know it was possible to feel that kind of heart wrenching pain and live through it. But after 5 years I have made decision to finally let go of the pain and the past. A daily decision that only I can create. I am choosing to live a happy life that will bring me the peace I have been searching and searching for. I am finally realizing that peace within my soul is achieved by each and every decision I make on a daily basis. My journey out of darkness has begun. I now know that my path to a peaceful life is finally within my reach. To all of you suffering from the heartbreak of losing a loved one – hang in there. Don’t give up on the idea that life can once again be joyful. No one person can heal you. There is no shining knight to rescue you. There is no magic pill to cure you. It must come from within your heart and soul. Simply make a decision in your brain to choose to let go of the past and choose a peaceful, happy and fulfilled life. We all must!

  • Kris

    October 29th, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    My grief is all consuming today. My husband passed after a long battle with cancer just 4 weeks ago. Today I can’t seem to stop crying. I miss him so. We had so many things yet to do together. He was only 66. I thought I was doing so good until today. How did you find the strength to get going everyday.

  • Hurting emotionally

    July 14th, 2015 at 1:26 PM

    I’m working with a therapist but I don’t think I’ll ever cry with her. It’s been s year and yes I can express through words but can’t emote. She has asked me to create a picture of how I want my life to look like. I’m going to create a visual board.

    I’d like to be rid of the emotional pain. I’m starting to get back in the mood I felt when I was in high school. Lazier. More emotional. Weight gain. I don’t want it to be that way. Man if only so many people didn’t have to destroy my confidence and innocence. It hurts. Finding it harder now to keep those feelings bottled inside. And yet I can’t release them with those who care about me and want to be there for me

  • Kris

    October 29th, 2015 at 8:00 AM

    Your post about me having to make things happen really hit home. I need to get going and live my new normal. That doesn’t mean I still don’t grieve or have days that I probably won’t want to get out of bed. I will choose not to let my grief consume me and realize that my husband wouldn’t want me to give up on having a happy life even though it will be without him. I will cry probably everyday for awhile and that’s ok, but I will be ok because I promised him I would be. Someone said memories and grief are like a wave, sometimes it is big and hits hard enough to knock you down and sometimes it is a soft one that just rushes around you but you still stay standing. Stay strong and always get back up when you are knocked down

  • Richard L

    November 7th, 2015 at 2:49 AM

    lost my wife little over 3 months ago. she had many health issues and fought the people who tried to help her. including me last two years of her life i became more her care giver than husband. our family dynamic is bad extremely fractured. daughter moved in with me to help out and i am grateful for that. on the other hand now she seems to think she needs to be with me 24/7. lost touch with most of my friends over the years my wife and i were married she was very jealous of anyone being in my life other than her. since her passing i have reconnected with so many friends. i now feel such support from them and there lies a large problem. one of these old friends also used to be a girlfriend when i was in high school. i want to start seeing this lady don’t have a clue where the relationship is going to go. no that’s not true this lady was always one of my great regrets in life. i want to see her see if we can connect again. she makes me feel young again i love talking to her. here lies the problem daughter thinks it’s to soon i’m disrespecting my wife’s memory. i will grieve my loss for the rest of my life. i need to laugh and smile wife was sick for so many years .i honestly feel if i don’t at least try with the old girlfriend i may never find love again. felt good to put that into words. words of wisdom anyone.

  • Tammy

    November 19th, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    Rich… I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a lover via death so I can only tell you what I think as an observer.
    My uncle lost the love of his life when they were 20+ years together. He didn’t meet someone for years and years. This doesn’t seem to fit YOU.

    What I’m hearing is this:
    A long time ago you fell in love with someone and no matter what time passed she was thought of with regret. Now you’ve reconnected. You want to take it further. Your daughter is unfairly trying to make you feel guilty for not mourning in a way SHE feels acceptable.

    It’s your life. Your wife is dead. You’re not dishonoring her at all. Your daughter should want you to be happy. She should be adult enough to deal with her father moving on. Is she’s not, that’s HER problem.

  • Melinda R

    December 30th, 2015 at 10:25 AM

    Hello, I just wanted to remark about the loss of your wife. First, I’m sorry for your loss. Losing someone in your type of circumstances is confusing. You find tremendous loss but also relief. I have taken care of several people, who were close friends that I loved ~ never a spouse or lover who were ultimately a terminal situation. Speaking from my stand point ~ you can do nothing further for this person, other than be supportive, which is very emotionally taxing, I can imagine even more so when it is a long term spouse. So when they pass you do feel relief because there was no helping them anymore and thus, for me brief glimpses of guilt for feeling relief because it is finally over and emotionally you will begin to move forward. In steps you friend from the past. I see nothing wrong with having a friend like this whether it becomes a sexual relationship or not. As long as you realize, your inner happiness does not seem from that person. They can contribute to your happiness but ultimately we find that within ourselves and actually when that fact is realised we are a better partner. You don’t validate yourself through someone else. In addition to your friend, start doing some activities which bring you joy. Only you know what those things are from athletics to Art or playing a musical instrument – only you will know. I want to also comment on someone who whittled down your friend group to 0 because of jealousy. A jealous person is one who is insecure in themselves ~ I’m sure you know that. If you are not doing any activities which h would be considered unacceptable ~ there is no reason why you shouldn’t have friends. No man is a failure who has friends. :) (IAWL) As far as your daughter goes. You only have control over yourself. You handle your grief in a different way than she. If she got the jealousy message from her mom – she might have the same insecurity as your wife. I wouldn’t making any permanent decisions like getting quickly married again. You do have to grieve but also grow. It sounds like the family has been stagnant for quite some time.There is no reason you shouldn’t have friends and this long ago woman falls into that category. Lasting relationships start in friendship. You are doing the right thing by being on this website, it can only help you to move forward. Good luck to you sir. M

  • Wendy P

    August 25th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    My mother passed away and my father reconnected with a long ago friend after her husband passed away. They had a history as friends when they were young and my mother and father were friends of this lady and her husband. My parents even stood up as best man and maid of honour at their wedding. A few short months after her husband passed my dad and her connected big time. Her family was not happy about it either. They did what they wanted anyways!! They came to a point where they said life was too short!!! It was a good thing they had this attitude they spent every single day together for the next 7 years and acted like teenagers. Just recently this lady passed and looking back on what they said was that life is too short to live your life for others regardless if they are family. One life to live so live it and just be a sensitive as you can. Explain how you feel. Or show her this message!! Good luck with the future!!!

  • Lyn

    June 18th, 2018 at 8:02 PM

    I agree with your daughter, it is disrespectful to your late wife

  • Richard L

    December 30th, 2015 at 9:44 PM

    where do i start. Has been a real roller coaster ride the last two months. My old friend and i have been seeing a lot of each other. Just friends for now no not just there has been for lack of better description some kissing going on. for me it has been a real awakening forgot how it felt to be close to a woman. For her well I should not speak for her. Just say its all going to fast. She has made me so happy . Now i fear i have damaged our relationship by being to enthusiastik sorry i’m terrible speller. any insight would be appreciated.

  • Melinda R.

    December 31st, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    Hi Richard, I would just repeat a lot of the advise I have already given. It’s good to have friends. We all need them. You have a lot of unresolved emotions I would imagine. I can only refer back to the loss of my own long term marriage to divorce ~ its not the same but many emotions must be worked through. One thing that has helped me tremendously over the years was to be active in my community. When you volunteer ~ you realize how good you have it AND make long term lasting friendships of a quality of people that you want to have in your life. Look at opportunities in your community. When I was divorced and had no place to go on holidays ~ I scooped food at homeless shelters and did other activities like that.you will be amazed at the wonderful souls you meet ~ staff and guests. Also, another thing I did not mention in my previous note ~ look at the community college schedule of non credit classes. These are varying subjects like art, music, sculpture, maybe participate in a community play. If none of these subjects interest you – look at the schedule, there will be something for you. This way ~ you are developing yourself. This is a lasting behavior and when you take a non credit class there is no pressure for you or any of the other learners so there is lots of kibitzing and laughter. We want to feel entirely comfortable with our own self ~ then be comfortable with a partner. And, you are a better partner when you are in a clearer frame of mind. You are never defined by a partner. There are many things you can do for yourself so you are not putting all your eggs in the basket of someone else. Also, If you were doing activities on your own and developing your own circle of friends ~ your daughter might feel better about you finding someone. Good luck to you sir. M

  • Lisa

    January 23rd, 2016 at 9:33 PM

    My husband of 2 yrs passed away in 3/2013. I took my mom to a doctor appointment. When we got back home i found him dead in our bath tub dead. Its now going on 3yrs since his passing and im still crying every day and very depressed. I been going to a psychiatrist for 3 months but he hasnt talked about grief,or my husband, he wants me to try to deal with my anger issues. I think he needs to be fired. Lisa

  • Melinda Rhodes

    January 24th, 2016 at 3:05 PM

    Lisa, it must have been difficult and shockingly emotional happenstance to come home to losing your partner of however many years. :'( I lost my mother like that – to a hemmoragic stroke, very sudden. Also another close friend very sudden. It takes time just to adjust. I can remember for the longest time, I would have the impluse to call my mom, and she was gone. :'(So, acceptance has to happen. You probably do have some anger, even past anger but you have to grieve this occurance with your husband. Healing comes from within. Nobody can give it to you but you can learn from mentors who have been there ~ how to get through it. If you are crying every day maybe you need to see your GP? Each day is another step towards feeling better. As I often recommend, read self help that relate to what has happened to you. Find a grief group there are many. Understand yourself. Reading is fundamental. Volunteer somewhere a few times. Find something you like and lend a hand, you meet great like minded people. Stay active – it wards off depression. Take a walk. We live in Northern Illinois and if its in the higher 20’s, I walk the dog. It’s good for her and me too. You have tremendous personal power ~ made in Gods image. Give yourself time to heal while you work these suggestions, it doesn’t happen overnight and that’s OK, everyone heals at a different pace. When you get through this loss, you can look a little deeper to see what else is in your heart. Blessings to you. M

  • Lisa

    January 26th, 2016 at 11:05 PM

    Thank you very much for your kind words and suggestions. I appreciate it very much. Thank you and God Bless you, Lisa

  • Melinda R

    January 27th, 2016 at 11:12 AM

    You’re welcome. We are all here with a specific purpose – if you look within , you will find yours. Again, this does not happen overnight but is a slow evolution into the person you are suppose to be. XO Melinda

  • Chaim

    April 16th, 2016 at 1:06 PM

    My friend,my soulmate left this earth 3 month ago to brain cancer
    I was his caregiver for 15 month.
    It is hard to describe how much I miss him.our daily conversation
    I go doing work that I love and have friends.
    Still my heat aches and aches and aches.
    Will it get easier?

  • Melinda

    April 18th, 2016 at 1:17 PM

    Hello Chaim, I have taken care of friends who I ultimately lost to brain cancer. Lung to brain. Since the process is quite slow, for me, I must say that when it got to the point where I could not help my friend, this became bittersweet because the struggle is over when they finally pass. For her and me also. Your love for your friend has not changed. Grief like addiction has and odd sort of similarity, they both come in waves. There are moments that feel worse when the remorse or desire is very intense. There are also moments when you can think and contemplate what has happened. These are the moments where we move forward, away from the pain. They become more frequent and the hurt gets further away. Your friend went to God and the struggle is over. You are still very deeply in the loss. Give yourself time to absorb what has happened. You continue because you still have deeds to accomplish. When your grief is hard you could try a breathing exercise that has helped me. You dont have to be in a quiet spot but that is helpful if your time is your own. You can still do the exercise while at work. Breath in for 7, hold for 4, release for 8. Its also helpful to try to imagine losing the negativity you possess when you are so out of sorts. As your own physiology gets back in sync from the controlled breathing so will you mind. Very helpful for me. Keep active, go for a walk, this is healthy and you clear your mind. Take deep breaths, this exercises the lower lobes of your lungs. If you are able, take a fun class at a local community college or somewhere else ~ not a credit class. Its a time to make a new you. When I quit smoking I changed my patterns so it was easier. You will see, these changed patterns can change grief. Give yourself time ~ everyone grieves at their own pace.

  • Destiny

    April 30th, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    I lost my husband who was my best friend a year ago after 38 years together. We spent all of our time together, and he was loved by my sons, too. Now a year has passed, in which I went through all the stages of grief, not resisting, but using breathing and a lot of tears to get through it. I still feel grief, sharper now but more brief. I tried to accept every stage and feel I did. I am a strong person, but losing him was the worst loss of my life.
    He was worth the grieving time. I mostly grieved alone, but one sister never stopped daily emails that drew me out and let me know I was not alone. Friends..well I didn’t have any here, but neighbors were very very kind and embracing. That cannot last forever and now I feel more alone, but I am going on. My little sister will stick with me..
    I could never regret his dying, because we didn’t know he HAD renal cancer and when we found out, it was the end of stage 4. He died a few weeks after the diagnosis. I was grateful that he didn’t go on longer. He died before the really bad pain set in.
    I have moments now, a year later, when I cry when I need to use something of his. But I let myself grieve and use the item and go on. I do use the breathing exercise when it gets too painful. That stops my brain from thinking and considering and wishing..and puts me in the now, where I must be strong and go on.
    I wish strength to each of you dealing with the grief and sadness and the feeling of being alone (That was my hardest part…I am now alone) But we can do it. I thank God every day for the happiness he brought to my life. I spent half of my life with him. I feel I was lucky and blessed to have such love and friendship. The hardest part is that no one alive has our memories, and can talk to me about the life we had and the things we did.
    I remember alone now but I remember.
    I may cry again tomorrow but I will go on.

  • Nina

    July 14th, 2016 at 4:11 PM

    Wow. Just wow. Wisely stated. I found a lot of comfort in your words. Thank you.

  • Tonya

    May 2nd, 2016 at 4:10 PM

    Breathing to get through the pain is a great way to cope. We can cope and learn to live without those we’ve lost. But life will be different without them.

  • nina

    July 12th, 2016 at 1:49 PM

    Lost my husband of 43 yrs 2 wks ago today. I can’t eat, sleep, or even find the strength to carry on with minor activities of daily living. I’m very weak physically, and ache all over continuously. I’ve barely been out of the house for2 wks. I don’t have the physical strength to do anything. It’s an effort, just to make myself get up off the couch.

  • Tonya Ladipo

    July 13th, 2016 at 8:06 PM

    Nina, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. After 43 years together I see why you’re aching. The healing will be a process. Reach out to people who you can talk to or simply sit with you. I’ll be thinking of you.

  • Nina

    July 14th, 2016 at 3:47 PM

    Thank you.

  • monica

    August 7th, 2016 at 7:57 PM

    I lost my mom unexpectedly last year in May. She got ill and we took her to the hospital and once the doctor found out what was going on with her he started giving her meds. My family and I was so relieved because we thought she was going to pull through this and would soon be coming home.. Well two days later after being in the hospital my mom passed away. A year later I still haven’t accepted it. I’m hurt and I’m mad because she suppose to be here. Some days I’m fine and other days I’m in tears. I try to look at the situation as my mom is at peace now. She is finally getting the rest that she needs no more pain. My heart hurts so bad because I miss her so much.

  • Tumza

    October 9th, 2016 at 11:53 AM

    Hi. How do I forget the loss of my only sister.

  • Yans

    December 15th, 2016 at 2:48 PM

    We lost our newborn baby. It had been a year since and we still don’t have answers why. This has been the worse time of our life though I’m trying to enjoy every minute I spend with our first child.

    Not everyone who surrounds you know how to cope with those who go through grieving moments. I don’t know where we find strength but it is so hard to manage yourself and maname those who don’t know how behave/approach you. I feel like shouting to the whole world that it is OK tabling to us about our lost daughter and that we are hurt when it comes up in discussion and people try to avoid talking about it by changing the subject as if the child never existed.

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