Will a Therapist Tell My Parents About Self-Harm?
I am under 18 and live with my dad and stepmom. I’ve been cutting for almost a year from depression and anxiety and basically not feeling like I want to be here. I HATE the idea of seeing a therapist and “talking about my feelings,” but apparently the school counselor told my dad I needed to see someone outside the school for help. The school counselor doesn’t know about the cutting, but I’ve talked to him a bit because apparently I have “anger issues.”
So now my dad and stepmother are looking up therapists for me to go see. I really don’t want to talk to anyone about my “issues,” but it’s getting hard to cover the marks on my arms and legs and I don’t know how to stop cutting. And also I know they’re just going to keep me in therapy longer if I refuse to talk. But I REALLY don’t want my parents to know about me cutting myself or the suicidal thoughts I sometimes have. Can I get through counseling without my parents finding out about it? How much is the counselor going to tell my parents about what I say in therapy? —Under Rage
Dear Under Rage,
These are good questions to ask any therapist you see. Find out from them what their policies are regarding confidentiality with people in therapy under 18. Much of what they say will depend on legal and ethical guidelines based on where they live and what kind of license they have. When I work with people under the age of 18, I discuss in great detail with both the young person and the parents what those guidelines are. That allows everyone to have the same understanding and expectation about how the process works. It also allows the young person to decide how much to share with me and to be aware of what my responsibilities to report are.
Most professionals are obligated to report when a person in therapy, regardless of age, is in imminent danger. That danger could be significant risk of suicide or conditions of abuse/neglect. Thoughts of suicide alone, however, do not necessarily trigger a mandated report—it depends on the circumstances. There are many people who have such thoughts but no intention or plan on following through. What is essential, however, is that anyone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide finds sources of support with whom they can talk. A trusted therapist is a great option. There are also national hotlines where you can reach out for support 24/7.
I hear the frustration in your message about all that the adults in your world “apparently” believe to be true for you. Instead, look at what YOU can get out of this experience. You can have a voice and share your truth with someone.
I’ve worked with a number of people who also HATED the idea of talking about their feelings. Usually that stems from a place of fearing they would be judged, a massive discomfort with feeling vulnerable and exposed, and a reluctance to trust someone they don’t know well. All of those feelings are natural. I can share with you that all of those people, in their own time, came to trust me and the process. When you find a therapist you can work with, who allows you to share at your own pace, who offers you a safe place to speak your truth without fear of being judged, counseling can be an amazing experience.
If I can offer you a suggestion, don’t reject therapy completely because it feels like something being “done” to you. I hear the frustration in your message about all that the adults in your world “apparently” believe to be true for you. Instead, look at what YOU can get out of this experience. You can have a voice and share your truth with someone. You can get support for the anger, anxiety, and depression you say you’ve been feeling for a year now. You can have support in finding alternative strategies beyond cutting to cope with the intensity of the feelings you have. You can be seen. You can be heard.
Nobody can make you share what you aren’t willing to share. You are right, though, that refusing to talk or engage will likely limit your choices and your control over your situation. So, how can you engage in ways that work for you? Ask your potential therapist the tough questions about confidentiality and how they manage those issues. Find out if your parents are willing to let you take part in the process of choosing a therapist. Many professionals have directory profiles and websites that can tell you a bit about what they might be like to work with. I’ve had people meet me first before deciding to work with me. Many therapists are very willing to meet to assess fit, as we know a good fit leads to more positive outcomes. You might just find someone you can open up to who can offer relief from what you’ve been feeling.
Best of luck,
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JakeJanuary 27th, 2017 at 8:36 AM
I would have thought that there would have to be some degree of confidentiality?
TinaJanuary 28th, 2017 at 12:17 AM
No any therapist will tell you (and their suppose too) and its in the signed contract if you are going to harm yourself in some way suicide etc, or someone is to harm you or you feel unsafe etc. As a professional so they don’t lose their license they are suppose to inform law enforcement.
TinaJanuary 28th, 2017 at 12:19 AM
oh and it don’t matter what age you are under or over 18, its the law so i was told by some friends/family I know that have been the therapy :)
DanielFebruary 13th, 2019 at 8:32 AM
I believe it is different if you are over 18. I told my therapist that I might commit self-harm or suicide while still going to her sessions, and asked her to tell me if there were to be any repercutions over that. She answered that, if it was clear that I was about to commit suicide, she was very much obliged to tell the pertinent authorities, and they would send someone to check me over. So I laughed back at her as a response, and I sweetely smiled and asked her to consider that I probably wouldnt if I hadnt have it clear.
GlennJanuary 28th, 2017 at 7:30 AM
As a parent of a minor child I would definitely want to know if my child was engaging in self harm. They might have a hard time telling me but I would wish that the very process of being in therapy would be what could help to gibe them the courage to share things with me that they may have been hesitant to share with me before that.
DanielFebruary 23rd, 2017 at 7:58 AM
But what if some part of which causes your child pain is related to you? What if one of the reasons he/she suffers is that feeling of being entirely powerless, that no matter how hard you try you cannot accomplish what you want him to do or to achieve, even if you see it as a minor thing or a forgotten comment on some subject. If your child managed to overcome his/her pain and to share it with somebody, wouldnt he/she feel entirely betrayed if he/she somehow (when you looked down at him/her) realised that you knew that he/she considers that you see him/her as a failure? Even if you then told him/her that he/she is wrong, that you dont see him/her as that, would he/she be able to believe it?
I understand your point of view as a father, but I do not agree with it. I do not find it right.
tabathaJanuary 28th, 2017 at 4:51 PM
honey if you are doing something that could hurt you then someone needs to know
EvanJanuary 30th, 2017 at 10:17 AM
It has to be a scary thing to openly admit to but these are people who all have your best interests at heart and if they tell what the actions are then maybe, just maybe they can help you come up with some solutions to the problems that you are feeling.
It is a hard thing to be honest about, I totally understand that, but I think that in some ways you have to want some help or you wouldn’t even be bringing it up here.
Let the people who love you help you get through this, to come up with better ways to channel that pain that you are obviously feeling.
gingerJanuary 31st, 2017 at 10:11 AM
It has to be scary to think that there will be someone who will divulge your secret but I would pray that this one thing alone would not discourage you from seeking out the help that you need.
KatJuly 8th, 2017 at 10:58 AM
I see the “tell your parents, they want the best for you!!” sphiel everywhere I go. My father and mother reacted angrily and violently to me telling them that I had mild suicidal thoughts I have no intention of acting out. The guilt trip was insane and still continues six months later over the cost of therapy even though we rarely discuss it otherwise and nothing has been done. I have begun self harming with just my hands and fingernails and I keep getting worse. I would not be as bad if they had not found out. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. By no means should you tell your parent/guardian about your problem just because a bunch of strangers on the internet told you you should. Take care of yourself, because despite well intentions, sometimes parents don’t.
Sophia D.May 24th, 2019 at 1:00 PM
I’m going to get counseling therapy soon. Not necessarily for suicidal thoughts/self-harm (although I do experience both a bit). I’m more concerned with opening up to my counselor about my feelings towards my parents (about how I believe m mother is emotionally abusive) and about an abusive romantic relationship I had been in behind my parents’ back a few years ago (I’ve since grown and learned from what happened, but I’m terrified I’ll end up in another abusive relationship, or, worse yet, become abusive, myself). I don’t want my parents learning any of this (especially not from a counselor, they’ll give me sh** for not talking to them about what I was going through). I want help and I want to talk about this stuff, because i’ve had to struggle through it alone for so long, but I don’t want my parents to know about it, because they’ll be mad at me and probably guilt trip me by saying sh** like I hurt their feelings/broke their trust, and they may take away my phone or internet, which i use to talk to my only friends. Point is that, parents can sometimes be the source of a problem that their children are struggling through, and/or they make just make it worse for their child by treating them poorly as a result of learning about the problem. I know if my mom heard I thought she was abusive from anyone (including from me), she would flip her sh**, deny it, and try to twist things around on me and discredit what I’m saying/make me feel like sh**. I think when some minors get therapy, they just want a safe space where they can open up w/o having to worry about how their parents will react to what they’re saying
ashleyJanuary 6th, 2019 at 4:56 PM
i dont want my parents knowing because a lot is going on with them and i dont want them to worry about me
unknownMarch 29th, 2020 at 3:57 PM
If I am under the age of 18 and i tell my therapist that i am cutting myself can they tell my parents or anyone else if we are in Canada
looking for adviceOctober 6th, 2020 at 11:52 AM
So I don’t think anyone will see this but I have a friend who lives in Illinois and she was saying how her mom found out she self harms and how now her mom is going to talk to her therapist about this stuff but she didn’t want her mom knowing so I was wonder if her therapist can tell her about my friend self harming and such or if its against patient confidentiality. Im wondering because now my friend feels she can’t talk to anyone which wont be good in the future because it can lead to bottled up emotions. If anyone can answer this that would be great, she’s a minor so I don’t know if that changes the situation or anything. I also said she’s from Illinois because I heard laws change from state to state.
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