How Do I Fix Trust Issues After Being Caught Cheating?

Darren Haber
Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
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  • Carie

    Carie

    June 19th, 2018 at 8:38 AM

    You messed up, dude, now let her find a better man. Hopefully you learned your lesson and won’t repeat the same mistakes in future relationships.

  • Nicole

    Nicole

    June 20th, 2018 at 3:10 AM

    Hi Darren,
    I have been a holistic psychotherapist almost 45 years and your comments are some of the best I’ve ever read on this topic. Not only are they beautifully written, in a compassionate caring tone, but they are incredibly insightful.
    Keep writing and sharing your wisdom, the world is definitely a better place for it.
    All the best,
    Nicole S. Urdang

  • Jody

    Jody

    June 20th, 2018 at 5:23 AM

    “…give her space”?
    “…her trust issues”?
    Yes, it’s wonderful that this guy is seeking help. Fundamentally, he lacks respect for his gf (maybe women in general) and his choice in language/framing reveals much. May this guy indeed find a therapist who non-judgmentally attends to the aforementioned (rather than coddling that patriarchal stance), and may his gf realize that the problem runs very deep and will manifest in many ways (not just cheating).

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer

    July 12th, 2018 at 9:33 PM

    I cheated on my husband with the same man and was caught multiple times last summer. I ended it last September and my husband, who had moved out, moved back in. This past year was very tense. My husband was traumatized but I saw it as controlling. He would pack up everything he owned every 2-3 days and load his car, only to go to sleep and unload the next morning. This went on for months. I never realized that he was in pain and I was not helping, I was hurting him by not being there for him. My affair partner contacted me in May and for 2 weeks, we talked, texted and I saw him in public briefly 2 times. My husband found out and moved out. I am COMPLETELY remorseful and very upset. I want my marriage to last! My husband has had VERY LITTLE contact with me. It’s been over 6 weeks. He blocked my phone, my facebook and did not respond to emails for 3 weeks. When he finally started responding to my apologetic, loving emails, he was SO VERY angry! He was responding to some of my emails for the past 3 weeks and now, as of yesterday is not responding at all! He has sent separation papers and told me that he will not open his heart to me again and that he is separating from me whether I want to or not and that if we are meant to be, then we will get together after that. I am devastated! I don’t want this separation of a divorce! We have 5 children and he has had VERY LITTLE contact with them. He has moved in with his parents but is moving into a condo soon. He told me 20 year old this yesterday. What does it mean that he refuses to see me(I have gently tried twice), refuses to hear my voice, and is not even responding to my emails anymore? He fought for our marriage for over a year. My counselor has told me how hard he was fighting when I was so involved with the affair partner. She said that she thinks he still loves me but he is so very angry and has lost all trust. I am afraid he is distancing himself from me and the kids so that he will not have any feelings until he has legally separated from me. In the agreement, which is very unfair, and I am not signing, he gave me the house and ALL of the furnishings. He didn’t ask for one thing, which to me says he doesn’t want any memories of our life together. He has loved me completely for 27 years(3 dating, 2 married). He adored me! He has told friends he thought he had the perfect life. He has NEVER looked at another woman and until this, I had never looked at another man. Finally, his lawyer told my lawyer(they are friends, I know…) that my husband told his lawyer to do this quickly so “I don’t change my mind”. He did send a separation agreement last summer when the affair was going on but ended up coming home. He was never gone more than 6 weeks, until now. It’s been 6 weeks and 2 days. Do you have any information that may help me figure out what I should do and if there seems to be any hope for my marriage? Help please!!

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