Our first therapy session began …
The day I found her text on my husband’s phone is a day I will never forget. My whole life changed in an instant. I was stunned and in disbelief. I thought, “Is this really happening to me?”
I read it again. She wrote, “I love you more than ever. Can’t wait until we are together again.”
My heart began pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My mind began racing: “Who is this woman? Why is she texting my husband that she loves him? Would he really cheat? We’ve been together for 17 years. I thought we were happy.”
I called him. He immediately came home from work. He’d accidentally left his phone at home that morning. When he arrived, he couldn’t look me in the eye. He said, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”
I responded, “You didn’t mean for me to find out what?”
He said, “That I’m leaving. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
My thoughts started reeling. His words got stuck in my head: “I’m not in love with you anymore.” They went around and around and wouldn’t stop.
“When did this happen?” I asked.
“I haven’t been happy for a few years,” he replied. “You were so focused on the kids. I felt alone.”
“I was so focused on the kids?” I snapped back in exasperation. “Yes, I was! Isn’t that what I was supposed to be doing?”
“I just don’t have those feelings for you anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”
I burst into tears. The pain pierced my heart. I could hardly breathe. The pain was excruciating. I felt shattered into a million pieces. My life would never be the same.
Over the next few weeks, we talked and we cried. I went from feeling anger and hatred toward him to feeling like I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to stay and get counseling. No matter what I said, his mind was made up.
I asked about the other woman. She was someone he worked with, of course. They took business trips together. He said she was in an “unhappy marriage” too. They had been having an affair for almost a year.
The day he moved out was horrendous. The kids were a mess. He promised he’d still be there for them.
It’s been a year, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I still feel so rejected.
The only time my mind rests is when I’m busy with the kids or at work. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him stay? What does she have that I don’t have? What’s wrong with me?”
“Is she prettier, sexier, more interesting, more fun? Of course she is. She’s new. She hasn’t had kids. They don’t live together. She doesn’t do his laundry. They don’t have to deal with children and carpools. He’s known her for one year. We were married for 17 years. Maybe he just got tired of me and our life together.”
The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”
When a partner leaves, the first few weeks can be extremely painful. People respond by not eating, not sleeping, crying, withdrawing, and generally feeling like the bottom has dropped out. They may have a sense of unreality, like they are a character in a play. There is denial and disbelief.
Often, the worst part is going to bed. The mind wanders to the place where the pain of rejection dwells. It’s hard to escape. The thoughts keep coming. When sleep finally arrives, it is fitful. Waking up in the morning is no better. It’s a new day and the pain starts all over again.
How does a person recover from and overcome the enormous pain of being rejected in one of the most important areas of life? Here are seven steps that may help you heal from the devastation of being rejected by a partner.
- Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to experience them. Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. You may worry they will never stop, but remind yourself it will get better. No matter how hard we cry, at some point we stop.
- Understand you will go through the stages of grief. The loss of a relationship is like a death. Feelings of disbelief, shock, anger, hurt, bargaining, sadness, fear, and depression are normal. When a partner leaves for someone else, the grief can become even more complicated. The loss occurs, but the person is still there. They made a purposeful decision to leave. Acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, and soothe them.
- Think of your pain like a wave. There will be times where, for a brief period, you may “forget” about it—and then it will hit you all over again. If you fight the feeling and try to push it away, it will grip you harder. Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
- Gather your support system around you. You may feel like withdrawing. You may have little energy for others. You may want to stay in bed. Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen. One day, you may have the opportunity to give that back. Let them provide comfort.
- Stop the self-blame. It’s natural to turn the blame on yourself and ask what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough. Remember it is not your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it. You can invite a partner to go to therapy with you, but they have to make the choice to participate. Partners leave for many reasons. It may have more to do with their baggage than what happened in your relationship.
- Practice self-care. Try to eat well and get enough rest. Take a walk. Do things that help you relax—meditation, relaxation techniques, changing negative thoughts, prayer. It’s a time to find your “self” again. Be kind to yourself. Spend time around people who love you.
- Find a therapist who can help. The journey of recovery after a partner leaves takes time, support, and patience. If you are struggling with the loss of a partner, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to support you through crises like this and will help you overcome the pain of rejection.
“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” —Tigress Luv
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
Why We Stay in Relationships That Hurt
7 Questions to Consider When You’re Stuck in a Relationship That Hurts
Surviving an Affair: How One Couple Overcame Infidelity
