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Help! I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Like Having Sex with Her

Help! I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Like Having Sex with Her

Please help me save my marriage. I have been married for three years to an amazing woman. The problem is that I don't like having sex with her. She has a high sex drive, but I'm just not attracted to her sexually the way I have been with previous girlfriends. I don't know why, but physically she's not really my type, and what she likes isn't really what I like. I'm in love with her personality, with the woman she is as a whole. I feel bad when I pretend to be too tired for sex or not feeling well, but I feel even worse when I go through the motions for her sole benefit. I put on a good show, when I put on a show at all. I've even faked orgasms. How many men do that? Anyway, the point is I really love my wife and I don't ever want to leave her—but neither of us is really happy with what's going on (or not going on) in the bedroom, and I know that's an important part of a good and stable marriage, especially in your thirties. What can I do? —Missing Something
Dear Missing Something,

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

Find a Therapist for Sex / Sexuality

You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

Darren Haber

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.

201 comments
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Tess
May 15th, 2015 at 11:43 AM
How sad- this is usually the opposite with the wife not wanting to have sex, so to hear this from the male perspective is pretty eye opening.

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Moby
September 13th, 2016 at 10:04 PM
Its the same with my wife, I would rather ejaculate to porn until the time comes when i do desire her, or someone els

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James
January 28th, 2019 at 1:59 PM
Same, I go for porn every time, I’m not interested in my wife sexually. I’m ashamed to say….
Eli
June 29th, 2019 at 4:28 PM
I feel bad that I’d rather watch porn…. I don’t know what to do, I’m just not interested at all, but I won’t go elsewhere.
Sandman
May 8th, 2020 at 7:37 AM
Same here. I’m always ashamed when I resolve to porn. I completely stopped watching porn for a month and stopped and stopped masturbating, even that didn’t help. I don’t know what else to do. I love her way too much. I respect her way too much and this one thing is killing me inside.
John C.
January 28th, 2017 at 5:38 PM
I’ve never seen this dealt with by a psychotherapist before, and I’d like to see it addressed. It is a fact that, and it’s almost a cliche, men tend to marry their mothers. And if there’s any truth in that, it follows that since you can’t, or don’t want, to have sex with your mother (incest taboo), then you’re not going to want to have sex with your wife. Other women yes, but NOT YOUR WIFE. Think about it.

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Yep
May 2nd, 2018 at 10:12 AM
I could have written that letter… My wife is none of the things that make up my type: tall, athletic, blue eyed, etc., but I love her more than life itself. We have a wonderful marriage but I sigh a bit of relief if she’s “tired’ when going to bed. I read the reply from the doctor hoping for a magic cure, but there isn’t any. I just saw the film Shallow Hal on TV and wished I could be hypnotized to see my wife as hot as others might…

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Tom
June 16th, 2019 at 4:30 PM
Same here. I love her very much but I don’t desire her. She’s not my type and I don’t like to look at her naked. I do find her beautiful when she’s dressed.
I pushed her away today and it didn’t suit with her well. I don’t know how to handle this. Will I ever be able to go past this? I don’t want to leave her but I feel I’m negating an important part of myself…
Marillion_DeVOiD
May 10th, 2018 at 4:43 PM
if I had the reality Stone nobody would have sex ever again Extinction is not a concern considering there is no point plan or purpose to life enjoy what little time you have left cuz there’s nothing but Darkness afterwards.

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Light Seeker
June 11th, 2018 at 2:00 AM
I’m sorry you see the world that way. Maybe you should seek The Light rather than accepting your fate in the darkness. Jesus Christ is the answer. God bless
Damien B.
September 26th, 2018 at 3:09 AM
It sounds like you are living in darkness in the here and now! I can’t think of anything more horrific than seeing no meaning in life.
Marie
October 25th, 2019 at 3:43 PM
Please don’t lie to your wife about your lack of attraction to her. I’ve been in this type of marriage for 25 years and just found out why he never wanted me sexually. He doesn’t want a divorce and swears he loves me but it is the very core of a women, a primal need to be desired by her man. Love IS NOT ENOUGH.
If you don’t end things with your wife, you will drag her through years of rejection and she will begin to loath herself and it will slowly erode at her soul until she is only a shadow of the person you say you love.
You are keeping her from finding someone who can love her completely and desire her the way she deserves. This will end in either her being so starved for intimate connection that she will meet someone that sees her desirability that you can’t see and will result in an affair or you will crush her and drive her away after stealing years of her life.

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Lovelost
April 9th, 2020 at 11:19 AM
so what did he say was the reason? I am in this situation now. 5 years in and pregnant. I am at a loss of what to do.
Jamie
May 15th, 2015 at 1:56 PM
Have the two of you tried to sit down and talk this through? There has to be something there that is worth saving even if it doesn’t feel like there is right now. Couples have differences all the time in every department imaginable. I am sure that this is one that could be worked through if you both took the time and effort to work on it together.

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Dana
May 15th, 2015 at 3:38 PM
That’s crazy man! Like, why’d y’all even get married if you’re not even sexually attracted to her?? So sad.

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Ethan
August 1st, 2017 at 3:21 AM
Hi, Dana… I was reading comments and saw yours. I wanted to try to explain why I married my wife, despite not being all that into her physically. It was a bit like those ideas that seemed like the right move at first, but after the whirlwind of planning and seeing the happiness it brought to her and her family, I felt as if there was no turning back. She really is a nice person and didn’t deserve to have her heart broken. Before she proposed I would just cheat with girls that were curvy or filthy in bed. I thought I needed a good girl at home but wanted a freak in the sheets not the streets. I really messed up.

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Charlie
November 8th, 2017 at 9:02 PM
Would you mind me stopping by and taking care of your wife for you?
Thanx
david
January 2nd, 2018 at 6:53 AM
I met my current relationship online. I fell for her before we physically met. Weve been together for ten years. I have never been sexually attracted to her, partly because she wasn’t honest with me about her weight problem. I feel I have to explain this a little. I am not now, nor have I ever been attracted to cellulite. I cant see it or touch it without the urge to gag. I’m not over weight myself so I don’t expect the person I’m with to be something I’m not. I’m trying to be a mature man about this, but I cant deny my own needs to make her happy.
Rick
January 7th, 2020 at 11:35 AM
Mate!, you just described exactly my situation! $%^&*()
Mellisa
May 15th, 2015 at 11:24 PM
I had a best friend when I was younger,on an emotional level a boyfriend. I probably got along with him better than anyone in my life. He was amazing! I was not physically attracted to him, and honestly I don’t think he was that much more physically attracted to me. We didn’t care we had so much fun in life! I miss him. I have been in relationships where I am physically attracted… None of them compared to him. Sex lasts for at best 5 minutes, then its done, but an emotional affair can last a lifetime!

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ty
August 31st, 2017 at 2:15 AM
Duh? Sex is life

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jason
December 22nd, 2019 at 2:36 PM
Sex is not life. Sex is a waste of my time, I’d rather be a priest and have no sex or wife
Nick
April 14th, 2020 at 8:10 PM
Melissa .. thank you for leaving that comment as I am going through the same issue . But after reading your perspective, it really makes sense and I agree 100% . What you explained hasn’t been mentioned otherwise. Thank you !!

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rowena
May 16th, 2015 at 8:19 AM
Sex is not everything and I understand that but how could you ever have real and lasting happiness with someone that you are not even physically attracted to? Sex is not the glue that holds a relationship together… but it sure can help at times!

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Me
June 24th, 2016 at 5:26 PM
Ms. Rowena, you are right; sex is not everything, unless you are not getting any! Same with money… it’s not everything either, unless you don’t have any; then it’s everything!!! You say… why did they even get married? There are still some of us that wait to have sex after marriage and then find out they are not sexually compatible. Then What??? It’s not always black and white! Three solutions: 1. You cheat, 2. You stay, deal with it and be unhappy, or 3. You divorce. Choose the one you can live with the most… END OF DISCUSSION!

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confused
July 1st, 2016 at 10:53 AM
I agree, some of us do wait and I understand. I waited till I married my husband to sleep with him. It was good when we would make love but just not enough for me. He is a sweet, soft guy and I like it a little more on the wild side. I have tried to communicate this to him and he tries to do a little more; however, it scares him and makes him feel I may one day stray.. which I would not do. I love everything about him and would not leave him for anyone else; however, I do have to figure out how to fix our sex life. ( He is completely satisfied in the bedroom and has no complaints).
Jackie
September 20th, 2016 at 7:32 AM
Great answer.
Broken-hearted
August 9th, 2017 at 11:05 PM
Be honest if ur that unattracted to your wife leave her instead of making her feel worthless why commit if it’s that horrible!!! Maybe your the problem!!
confusedboy
July 9th, 2016 at 11:19 AM
I’ve been married to a nice woman for 3 years. I love her and I don’t ever wanna leave her. But lately, I’ve found out that I’m no longer sexually attracted to her. To be honest, I’ve been starting to feel something different about myself. The truth is I’m becoming a trans. And I’ve started getting attracted to men. I have long hair now and it’s evident that I’m a transgender. I’ve never been manly and before I we got married, everyone had known that I’m rather feminine. I know that my wife loves me so much and I lover too. I can’t imagine my life without her but I also want to be happy. I have an affair with a nice man from Michigan and I also want to be with him. I really don’t know what to do. I’m just so confused. I also want to be happy. I want to be with a man. I’m still young and I can still be happy but I love my wife so much and I again, I can’t imagine my life without her. I’m just so confused.

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mellad
July 12th, 2016 at 9:24 AM
oh boy, bad it is… you need to be a wife then, to advice you.. make your self busy and join judo groups, do much exercise and be a gentle,, don’t shave your beards,design your chest beards, wear beanies, large flannels, don’t need to humiliate your wife! a man always be strong and tough, do boxing, make things to feel that you are a real man!
Basil
August 7th, 2016 at 1:39 AM
Very nice to keep your wife and your friend together within one bed, with an enjoyed lifestyle.
Lucky you-be happy
Somebody
November 25th, 2016 at 8:40 AM
I know a couple who went through this. They stayed together and his wife is a huge LGBT activist. Marriage shouldn’t be about sex the way a lot of people are presenting it here. People get older, their bodies change, their preferences change, their physiologies change with hormonal cha gets occurring throughout your lifetime. If you believe in marriage and truly love each other you can overcome anything. The men who don’t want to have sex because their wives have put on a few pounds after having kids, or the virgins until marriage and finds a lack of compatibility, are examples of extremly immature people who have gotten married for the wrong reasons. I’m not saying that saving yourself until marriage is immature, but a couple getting married should be comfortable enough with each other to have a conversation about it. For example, if you can’t wait to run down the isle because you’ve always wanted to try oral, and your just now finding out your partner thinks it’s gross, then you are too immature to get married. I know couples who’ve suffered serious medical problems that have made intercourse impossible for them, but they still love each other; and although I’ve never asked because it would be rude, I’m sure they are still enjoying some form of intimacy and sexual activity. I also believe this is true for my friend whose husband is transgendered. To the gaining weight, she looks old, her hair turned gray, whatever guys, my husband went through this. I have had yo-yo weight problems over the course of our decades long relationship. I have been as small as size four and as big as an 18. I know he doesn’t like the fact that I’m very over weigh when I am, but after almost splitting up over it once, we have worked it out and it doesn’t affect us in the bedroom. It has no barring on how much we turn each other on. If we discuss it at all, it’s from a healthy lifestyle perspective. We turn each other on because we love each other. If you don’t have that, don’t get married.
HollyMolly
May 18th, 2015 at 8:09 AM
This is a classic case where a therapist is obligated to say something just because the therapist is supposed to have an answer when in fact the therapist has no meaningful answer.

Should have directed the question to another therapist or not answered at all.

Here’s answer: Dear Missing, physical preferences are embedded deep inside us and cannot be changed on a whim or even at all. As you probably have learned, physical preference cannot be changed by simply over thinking it. Just like some people like to be be ticked and some don’t. We each like what we like.

This is a classic case to try 1) poly relationships (one for love, i.e. your wife, and one or more for sex) 2) suck it in 3) “cheat” or 4) divorce and move on (written in no particular order). If you choose to divorce then I would enter therapy to determine what made you marry someone who you are not totally attracted to.

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zahid
June 28th, 2016 at 1:45 PM
Great ans… in my case it was shear family espacially father compultion… as soon saw photo of my wife ( fiance ) my heart sank but as it was arranged marriage…i couldnt undo it

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Dr
November 7th, 2016 at 3:48 AM
The best answer!
I too found the answer of therapist nonconclusive and meaningless.. i myself have exact same issue and dont ever want to leave my wife,,,the only thing is when u start having sex with someone else the ethics will come forth and defeat u,,,wish there was a real answer to this,,,when is polyamory,,or loving some one and having sex with other cuz u really need going to be discussed openly ,,,and maybe some of us truely are not pigs but really want to live happy and in love but cant achieve it through classic methods

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Rigormortis
July 16th, 2017 at 8:28 PM
Aw common, no one is wanting to talk the truth here. The simple answer is stop looking at porn dude. You got yourself a nice meaty hamburger, so quit browsing the steak isle all the time. Seriously, give up your porn habit (cause thats what confusing you about what you like) and stop masturbating while watching internet porn. Do this for a month, 2 or 3 if you have to, and when you daydream about sex, daydream only about her, stop yourself from daydreaming about all those fake boobed size 2 porn women. You’ll be ready to tear her apart and give her the full UMPH you both need. yeah its a psychological issue, one you can easily fix. Dont listen to this “what you like is deeply rooted psychological crap” If you were stuck with her on a desert island with no internet connection she would become a ribeye real quick. Now go stop looking at that porno and do some exercising cause once your mind is cleansed of porn your gonna be a sex maniac with the woman you love! what could be better!
Damien B.
September 26th, 2018 at 3:28 AM
Rigormortis has the ABSOLUTE BEST AND MOST PRACTICAL ANSWER YET! The next best answer would be LOW TESTOSTERONE. Stop looking at porn and take a testosterone supplement and put out a little effort and you will soon find yourself being turned on by your wife.
Pansypotter
November 2nd, 2023 at 8:44 AM
HollyMolly – you should be a therapist! :-)

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Collin
May 19th, 2015 at 10:30 AM
the suggestion you make is poly relationships? really? i am not sure that is the responsible way to go

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BeenThere
June 2nd, 2015 at 5:35 PM
HollyMolly’s comment is the most practical advice on this page. The problem is actually a common one. I would add another option, 5) get divorced, stay connected with her as someone special in your life, and find some other connection(s) that provides what was missing. Then either marry that person, or don’t get married. Perhaps your only incompatibility is not with her, but with the institution of marriage and its be-all-end-all premise. A wise person once said, “I am fairly certain that if the idea of marriage didn’t exist, I would not spontaneously invent it.”

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Gdogg
June 24th, 2015 at 12:17 AM
You know what – I feel the same way. I just dont know how to let her go, walk away from my home and the kids. The kids are my world. But I can do without sex. I wish that we were just friends. Co-Parenting while living in the same house? its a bit too much for me to wrap around. I dont know what to do.

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Racer
January 2nd, 2019 at 6:50 PM
What did you end up doing?

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Died Young
July 29th, 2015 at 4:12 AM
Dear Missing, my heart goes out to you, I am in a very similar situation with my Wife. I loved her and cared about her from the start but she isn’t my type and 13years older than me. We met online and became close quite quickly talking on chat and on the phone. Due to Pc problems we never even saw pics of each other so when we met in person I actually said ‘I’m not attracted to you’ but I thought as much as I loved her I could get past it. What can I say, love doesn’t conquer all. Now we have been together just under 9 years and married 6 years and I have told her I’m not happy and the rings are off.. Here’s the best bit, she is unemployed and I am paying rent (she gets Disability / PIP) so we are living together, separated 2 months now.. I want to leave but don’t want to leave her unable to pay rent and if she goes she cannot support herself. But here’s the thing, this is what I have to do. I have been honest with myself finally and I have to continue doing so to move forward. You are in my opinion doing the right thing,, resisting or hiding your true feelings will not help you, if you are in love with her then talk to her and try to find a way to be happy.. But there’s no point being in love to a point, it needs to be 100%. You have to be able to choose the whole thing to be committed and fully intimate and that is just the way it is. Trust me I know. I feel for you buddy. Truth will set you free.

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ty
August 31st, 2017 at 2:17 AM
Great comment,

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Died Young
July 29th, 2015 at 4:15 AM
Forgot to say HollyMolly’s comment is spot on.

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mari
August 29th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
You need to divorce your best friend/roommate. You need to let her be free and find a man that will love her in every way. I dont think you love her, you care for her but is not love. Sex is very important in a relationship. I thibk you are being selfish by not confronting the situation. Are you afraid to lose her? Why? Be happy and let her be happy. The chances that she is not happy either are very high! If this continues, she will find someone that will want to make love to her, you will see. Communicate with her and see if this has a solution and both parties can compromise. Life is too short!

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tim
September 28th, 2015 at 9:02 AM
Just terrible advice. I don’t even know where to start as to why.

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Conner
August 19th, 2019 at 8:32 AM
I agree – terrible advice! Certainly not of a Christian Faith. You can’t just divorce as unfortunately, (Divorce is NOT an option) unless someone committed adultery and then there might be a reason, but I even seen couples work past that). This is what is happening in America – the “Throw away BBD America, the media, the people that want instant satisfaction, etc. always want out of a situation instead of working on it and guess what?! Chances are psychologically and ironically she will find the exact same type of man and he will find the exact same type of woman. My first wife “traded me” for a new model and the marriage lasted about 3 years. She then got married a third time – didn’t last. She called me 10 years later and said, “I wish I had listened to you when you begged me not to divorce as I went bankrupt, you went bankrupt, we both lost the house we were in that we bought for $77,000 5 minutes from Siesta Key, Sarasota, Florida that is now worth $400,000!!! The sex was fine, as she wasn’t my “ideal” woman but we still had a sex life, but she was young and restless and wanted more, and more of whatever and she admitted that she found the same exact type of man but instead of being better, they were mean, abusive verbally, etc. She said, I was kind, hard working, (She put me through Hell wanting out of the marriage every 6 months) and we would work it out, etc. We would have been happily married as much as possible as we were good friends and could communicate, etc, had the same interests and I loved her and she found out the hard way she still loved me and never stopped. Point is, she screwed up royally by letting me go (these are HER words) not mine. Was I the best husband in the world, no, but she wasn’t the best wife, but I would overlook her problems and live with them and she just thought she could do better. My advice is to see couple’s counseling and perhaps even a sex therapist (for the you) and find out what is the REAL underlying cause. It’s 9/10 – anxiety provoked causing performance fear and you just probably need to sit down and have a heart to heart. If she loves you truly, she will understand and compromise and so must you for her. I’m sure you can learn to sexually satisfy each other once you feel “safe in your feelings with her” and you worked through them. Who knows, you might grow to love her desires over time. It’s probably the most likely answer is she is pressuring you without realizing it even by suggesting and even joking can emasculate a man, thus removing more of your sexual desire for her. Men like to be “conquerors” and women like to be chased, to know they are truly desired. So chase her, initiate sex with her. It could be something as simple as the robe she wears before bed or a certain perfume that reminds you of your Mother. Now, if she “henpecks” you like your Mother would by telling you, “I told you to do the dishes THIS way, or you didn’t do this, you must do that, etc.” and sounds similar to your Mother, there-in lies probably 90% of the problem. Overcome that, become a dominant person in the bedroom and you might find you like being freaky with her and she might love it! Just try to keep an open mind with her. It sounds like you are trying to be good husband every where else, so sit, down in front of a counselor and work it out, bring it out in the open and suddenly that “taboo” isn’t so taboo anymore and you might feel more relaxed with her and have very satisfying sex to where she might need a break from all the sex. Divorce is NOT option 1!
James
June 26th, 2016 at 8:01 PM
It’s something bow a man’s need are totally ignored for a female. Are us men worth anything these days? A man would simply love for his woman to keep herself up. Is that too much to ask for? Our woman starts to look less than attractive and our only option is to leave and deal with it. That’s so selfish of females. Omg. We have need just like women.

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david
January 2nd, 2018 at 7:05 AM
Great answer James.
zahid
June 28th, 2016 at 1:53 PM
Good ans

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nillie
July 20th, 2016 at 8:00 AM
” she will find someone that will want to make love to her”
Yes! and that person will probably lose interest in sex with too, after some years.

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Dan
April 13th, 2017 at 4:04 AM
What if he is attracted to her but has huge problems with E/D and chronic prostatitis which causes burning and sense of razor blades most of day. He should then leave and live alone because he is not fair to any female. This being the case even though he is very fit and attends the gym 4 times a week. So he wouldn’t deserve love and intimacy? .. I know it’s a tough call but reality would suggest… Too bad for buddy even if he is the most caring guy with a great job and does a lot for home and family… Too bad he got bad deal with health in that area.. Oh and it will cost him over 4000 a month in support of he leaves.. Winner all the way around ! :(

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Deepa
October 13th, 2015 at 2:40 AM
I face the same situation but from the opposite side..my husband loves me, earn for me and care for me..he takes care of my parents and my relatives a lot…I am the only person he loves much and he loves our one year old kid…
We had problem after three months of marriage when I started noticing he says reasons whenever the intimacy situation happens..one or the other..so he fixed a time like every saturdayI v it will happen..but if we miss it on saturday , I need to wait to next saturday..meanwhile if I ask he says it is not even eight days why you want it again…I cry at nights thinking about myself… he just snores and sleep…I used to fight a lot on this which only made it worse…we mostl never got a comfortable feeling… back den before pregnancy I was very attractive and he found me attractive where he showers lots of hugs and kisses but definitely not sex… when I initiate he treats me badly…I used to keep o
N reminding him that weekend pls help me… somehow I got preganant where we was in relationship only once that whole two months so it was unexpected…then everything was okay and we were lovable couples as we have didntlll need the necessity to involve in sex…when my kid was three month old he left abroad….’i joined him here a month back but the problem started again….’i put up on little weight and the pregnancy hormones has left few facial marks… when I tried to involve in talk with him why he avoids me he said backpains are the reason….when I developed a talk I am surprised to know my lovable guy didnt gget such feeling on me….’.’ I love him and so I am totally collapsed.
Suggested for a therapy and letz c…

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confused
July 1st, 2016 at 11:04 AM
Your husband sounds like he could be asexual. Look into it…

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 7:47 PM
Why do we have to label everyone with a personality disorder? It’s infinitely more likely that her husband is just not sexually attracted to her.
Nancy
November 3rd, 2015 at 3:38 PM
This made me cry. I am 24 years old and I have the same type of struggle with my husband. I have been with him since I was 17. He was always a bigger man, and I have always been attracted to him and his body. I have always wanted him. He used to be very attracted to me. It was evident in the way he touched me and looked at me. Over the course of our relationship we have had two children, and my body has changed. I am still in good shape, and I don’t mean to brag or be conciented, but I am a very attractive woman. It used to hurt my feelings really badly when people would ask why I “settled” for my husband when I could have any man I wanted. I just love him and I would always chose him. I feel so rejected and unwanted. I believe that touch is a very effective and important form of communication for couples. You can say so much with a hug, touch on the shoulder, stoke of the hair. Anything you want to express, you can through touch. Lately, when I try to be romantic with him, his touch tells me that he hopes I don’t try to engage in sex. Even if it is not my intention, and I just want to hold him and feel close to him, it hurts me the way he tenses up and refrains from touching me back. I used to be very verbal about my dissatisfaction in our romantic life, but I honestly have given up. I feel low, and rejected, and it hurts really badly to be struggling with this. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it, I feel ashamed and like we are strange. Every other factor in our relationship is fine. I guess over the years he seems to be angry. I cry myself to sleep a lot and I grieve over the years I have lost feeling this way. I am a young, beautiful, fun, lively woman. I wont be this age, I wont be this way, I wont look at myself and see this woman forever. And I feel like he let her go a long time ago. I know he loves me. I just feel like he doesn’t want me. And he tries really hard to avoid going there. :( It feels good to just let this out. I don’t know what to do. I feel my youth and vitality slipping away from me. I feel my sexuality diminishing and I have always really liked how powerful and sexual I could feel. It was an important part of me. Its taken away my desire to dance. I am not a dancer anymore. Its almost as if part of me is slipping away with our sex life. Or not even just sex, just intimacy. I miss when his touch used to tell me I was the most desireable woman in the world. I hate it a lot. It hurts so bad.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
November 3rd, 2015 at 5:02 PM
Dear Nancy,

GoodTherapy.org is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to discuss this issue with a therapist or counselor, please feel free to return to our homepage and search for a mental health professional in your area. You may do that here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

You can also use the Advanced Search function to locate a mental health professional by specialty:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

Please know that help is available. We encourage you to reach out and wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Ashley
July 10th, 2016 at 8:10 AM
I’m really scared me and my fiance are heading into this direction… we both love each other so much and cannot wait for the future. Sex used to be so much fun and adventurous and wild. These days it’s not as exciting as it was. Maybe I’m too bored of his penis? I don’t know. Or the passion has lessened. But the sizzle seems to have fizzled. It really scares me for the future.

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david
September 26th, 2016 at 10:37 PM
Dear Nancy
I have the same story. but I am the guy in the story. I feel very sorry for you. I hope you find a way to make it better. I kind of give up too, but I still have some hope. i tried to talk to her about her low sex drive and hugs things like you. Looks like she does not really want to express her feelings about hat. I try to reed article to her, ti tell her how intimacy is important in a couple life, to feel desirable. I am 40, not sure if i really should give up or not. She said she will make an effort. We tried to have sex, but i can feel, i kind of bug her. She is not very into it. I talked to her about that, she get a little upset , by telling me she cannot win then. She said if we dont have sex, iam not happy, if we have sex i feel not happy because i feel she is not into it. She told me just enjoy what i do to you. I do it to make you happy. So relationship are very complexe. Because I really want her to feel some passion and pleasure about it. I guess i will have to continue my effort. But I suspect maybe she has depression about that subject. Because we can talk about anything else pretty good. Did you check if your husband does not have a depression state ?

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Lovelost
April 9th, 2020 at 11:38 AM
I am feeling the same and wonder since you wrote this some time ago how have you been? What has happened?
I love my partner and I know he loves and admires me. I had always enjoyed very satisfying sex with all my other partners. From a few months in, I could tell this was different. I have adjusted my expectations and my thoughts so that my sex drive is now low (he was insistent that I had an abnormally high sex drive), but I can feel him pull away, shut down with the exception of maybe once a month. Now when I can feel this, I freeze up. I used to feel so natural and present with sex. Now I feel him not really there and I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore. I am considered quite attractive, am in great shape. I am take very good care of my hygiene and appearance. I’ve asked him to get hormones checked, to try to see if there is anything “fixable” but he hasn’t. Its been 5 years. I love everything else about him, us. I can’t imagine a better life partner in every other way. But I can’t let go that this is important. That this will eventually break us and then we will have wasted so many years.

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Lindomar Fuckner
November 4th, 2015 at 8:22 PM
same problem but myotaut serum is save my sex life it’s amazing. This worked on the first time using it. and It just works better as time goes on. My wife uses it about once a day and every time we have sex now its incredible. so much more sensual than it was before. she loves it and, of course, so do i!

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CC
December 12th, 2015 at 12:35 AM
Someone helps me plz. I used to love my husband so much, but sex is always a problem for us. We’ve been together for almost 7 years. From the third year, we hardly had sex. He starte to reject me and we fought a lot about it; he was always saying he was too tired. Even after 3 months’ depart, we didn’t have sex after reunion. Then for the last two years, he started to ask for sex but I already lost sexual interest on him, or even don’t want to kiss him. In the last 12 months, we had sex less then 5 times. I started to think about another guy and finally had an affair with him and I even don’t feel guilty. Now I am pretty sure my husband still loves me; I am not sure if I still love him and one thing is sure I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to live like this, what should I do?

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Someone from somewhere
January 1st, 2016 at 6:29 PM
I am in the same situation Tess. I wish I could help you but I am sorry that I cant, but leaset I could do is to listen to u.

Big hug

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Sandra
March 9th, 2017 at 3:14 PM
CC, Your story sounds a lot like mine however I dealt with that issue. At first I wanted the intimacy and he kept pushing me away then when he wanted that intimacy I felt sick, didn’t wan’t him to touch me, to hug me that was it. I kept making excuses so he would stop bothering me with his questions and when excuses didn’t work I had to pretend that I liked what he was doing even though I felt horrible. I felt very small and useless like I was just giving away my body for nothing. That in fact made it all even worse that it put me off intimacy even more. Then I remember I literally couldn’t take it anymore and I cried when he did stuff so that’s when I realized that I can’t lie to myself anymore and I have to move on. Sometimes love goes away and it turns into friendship but doing naughty stuff as friends can be traumatic. I moved out and we broke up since that time intimacy still scares me. Now I’m meeting this guy who seems to be a lot more suited for me, my type and I get attracted to him all the time but that traumatic stuff did leave it’s scars however he is patient and great. So my advice is, if you truly love your wife / husband and can’t live without that person then perhaps it’s worth trying to save the relationship, doing intimacy stuff and pretending to like it can be very traumatic, better sort it out straight away than end up walking out the door at the end. Sometimes people change with certain age, interests change and people might have to loose someone to find someone who in on the same page with them at their lifestage. For example I had a best friend and I thought she would be my best friend forever, then one day everything changed just how I looked at life and everything about her started annoying me. We stopped being best friends but I found other close friends and a best friends with similar to my interests etc. If couples have kids or marriage of course it is much more complicated but if one is not happy the other won’t be either.

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Ornette S.
December 24th, 2015 at 2:37 PM
Yup, HollyMolly has hit the nail right on the head.

I had a similar situation, twice in fact: both times I was irresistibly drawn to beautiful, wonderful women whose heart and soul and mind just made me grin like an idiot and feel fizzy like champagne – and both times, sex became an obligation and then to be avoided because it made me miserable. Case no. 1, she grew into a Domme to deal with the appalling violence she’d had in the past from a former fiance: I helped her get gently into the scene by being her ‘practice dummy’ sub, but it didn’t excite me at all whereas she got an incredibly strong charge out of it, and she needed the mutual exchange of energy from dominating someone who needed to be dominated. We loved each other but knew she had to follow her star. We kept in touch for a long time, and I know if she called tomorrow we could start laughing over pretty much anything.

Several years later, I met another wonderful woman who I later found out had suffered mental and physical cruelty from her father until she left home. During sex she wanted to be dominated, overpowered and insulted. She would tell me to hurt her. Trying to role play that kind of scenario with someone you love deeply is traumatic – one time after orgasm she started crying uncontrollably and I nearly went into shock, I felt faint and horrified that I must have hurt her.

I am now seeing a woman for whom sex is a fun, joyful experience free of psychodrama. I still have strong feelings for my previous partner, and we still communicate, but I know that even the chance of sex with her would fill me with dread.

Short answer for me is: you’re not wrong for liking or not liking things sexually, any more than you’re a bad person if you really like lounge jazz but don’t like atonal experimental music, or prefer ice cream to frozen yogurt. Forcing yourself to try and like their specialty is a terrible idea and will make you unhappy and resentful of your partner. It’s a difficult subject to broach, opening the way for lots of (mistaken) self-recrimination on their part, and it may just be that you simply need different things, and you both need to get them elsewhere without being made to feel you’re somehow bad people for being true to yourselves.

Again, HollyMolly’s few words of wisdom are worth more than all the windy flannel that the therapist wrote. Good luck, MissingSomething. I hope you find your happy place.

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Someone from somewhere
January 1st, 2016 at 6:24 PM
I am in the same situation, right now I am not sure that I even love her. However, I dont want to break her heart and get divorce from her because I believe it will destroy her and therfore it will destory me to think that i destroy someone’s life.

The thing is she was virgin before our marrige, we had sex couple of times before deciding to get married. She wasnt good at it. I thought on that time I could teach her to become better and sex is not important to loose someone like her, I thought she is the one.but after a while i found that sex is not something to teach.

We been together for 3 years and we had sex less than 10 times. Simply I cant do it. I started watching porn and masterbating even 3 times a day, then i joined those dating website and cheated on my wife twice.

Now I stopped watching porn and masterbating, it is really hard i was really active before i get married and i have high level of testestone. I asked my wife recently to ask some girl to join us maybe it change our sex life which she disagreed.

I am lost, i dont know what to do and I hate myself so much. Today morning I cried after maybe 10 years, it is even sounds funny to muself that lack of having sex made a 35 years old guy to cry lol.

Anyway finding this community is such a relief to me, I dont know why but I feel better now.
All the stories here are so touching, But some of the comments are so cruel and annoying. I dont understand why some people try to hurt people who already are in pain. It is so cruel. Please stop doing it if you cant help.

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Someone from somewhere
January 1st, 2016 at 6:38 PM
I think we should help each other ( i dont mean sexually). Because it is really hard to talk about our situation to our friend or family. Maybe by listening to each other and not judging each other could help us.maybe we could come up with a plan and each week all of us try to do something and share our expreince with each other.

But please remember we are all hurt, nervious and sensetive. Please be patient with each other. Most of us find this page as a relief, so please becareful in your comments. Insensteive comments could lead us to become worse.

Love u all

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toughlove
June 13th, 2016 at 11:53 PM
Thanks for the words of wisdom sir. I am a 44 yr old guy & I have cried over this stuff more times than I wish to say! lol. Much love to you & your situation. New here…Just wanted to comment, send some love & say I can identify. ;)

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confused
July 1st, 2016 at 11:08 AM
Thank you for the words and I agree with you.

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destiny
January 6th, 2016 at 8:58 PM
love and lust are two separate things. I feel for you though.

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Any Average Guy
February 10th, 2016 at 1:42 AM
I feel the same way. I’ve been married for 3 years (together for 11) and I just don’t want to have sex with my wife anymore. It’s been like this for some time and it’s damaging our relationship. She used to be very thin (please don’t judge me but I really really like very thin women, it turns me on like hell), and she used to feel ungly for being so thin, but I just loved it. I told her all the time, and she was really happy to know that she was physically just my kind. Now she’s gained a lot of weight and it turns me completely off. She eats terribly wrong and won’t take part in any physical activities. I’ve always been an active guy and enjoyed sports and physical activities, so I can say I’m in a very good shape (better than ever), and she loves it. I truly believe that you should do your best to look good for your lover (spouse, boy/girlfriend or whatever) because if you’re in a monogamic relationship you’re the only one they’re allowed to have sex with, so it’s just unfair to simply believe that your lover should get turned on by you just because you are together. I’m not saying that we should try to look like those models we see on ads (of course), but it just won’t kill you to exercise a little and eat healthy food (it’ll actually give you a much better life). I’ve tried to convince her to join me but she’s too lazy. What bothers me is that she says she’s unhappy with her looks but won’t do a thing to change. Sometimes she asks me about her looks and I never know what to say. I’ve read several articles where the therapists say you have to “fake it till you make it”, but it just doesn’t work with me. I have plenty of flaws, but one quality I have that she’s always loved is that I’m honest with her (and most people in general) about everything, so I really don’t want to say “hey, you look just amazing, keep up that way”, while on the inside I’m saying exactly the opposite. That’s lying, and I really hate lying and being lied to. My friends say that sometimes I’m too honest, but I’d rather get in trouble for telling the truth than lying. The problem is that everyone says I cannot be sincere (which is a shocker since I’ve always heard that you MUST be sincere with your spouse in each and every way) and tell my wife that I don’t like her current looks because it’s going to hurt her feelings and she’s going to feel unloved and bla-bla-bla…, but I don’t know what to do.
I’m sure some people will write that I’m superficial and that age happens and looks change and so on, but she’s just 30 and we have no children. Some days ago a child asked her when her baby would be born, and it was very embarassing since she’s not pregnant. The child’s mother was really embarassed and apologized and we just laughed about it, but my wife got upset. I thought that she would take that as a sign to start changing the things she’s always complaining about, but it didn’t happen. You know, I’m starting to yhink that the problem is that she’s too lazy and I’m too active, so I never have her with me when I go out to ride my bike (which is something I love doing) or any other activity.
Any thoughts?

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Ethan
February 26th, 2016 at 11:40 PM
I feel for you, man. I’m in a similar boat but my wife isn’t fat. She’s actually just not curvy enough for my tastes. I also dislike her hair.
Until her boob job I couldn’t even look at her naked. Don’t get me wrong, she’s awesome. When she asked me to marry her I felt I had to say Yes.
At the time I wasn’t working or walking due to an injury I sustained while training for a cage fight. She was supportive and sweet. But I’m slowly realizing that I may not be able to pretend anymore. All of my exes had either great boobs or sweet asses but they were hard to get along with whenever they were dressed. I put up with their shit because they were so hot. So when my wife initially approached me I figured that I’d give her a chance since she was so nice. Now, five years later, I wish I had worked things out with my ex.
When my wife and I have sex it’s only when she initiates and I also pretend to climax sometimes. I stock my mind with porn to get momentum. When I see a girl that’s more my type, I get angry. My wife works out but it really doesn’t seem to make any difference. I even work out with her but seeing her in spandex grosses me out. I’m at wits end. I’m sure women will bash me in this forum. Those types seem to think its offensive to tell a woman her breath stinks, let alone admit you want to be with someone else.

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Gracious
July 17th, 2016 at 9:48 AM
You clearly are not a very nice man !! You couldn’t look at her before she had a boob job ?! Your brain is brainwashed by media ideals sadly . You treated girls who treated you bad with respect ? But a decent girl you don’t have the same respect for ? Something wrong with you ?! You need to get away from her . She is too good for you !
Just a thought
August 4th, 2016 at 1:09 PM
I for sure understand where you are coming from. I take a lot of pride in my body and making sure it looks good. I know that probably sounds self absorbed, but its true. I want to look good and I want to make sure I look good while having sex with my husband. He used to be a lot bigger and it was kind of turning me off. I wanted how amazing mind blowing sex, but sometimes its just hard for me to get there with him. I think you should just divorce her. sorry to say this, but I think that you settled. You sound like you are out of her league.
David
June 17th, 2018 at 8:38 PM
@Gracious – Respect and physical attraction are not the same thing. You can respect someone and not be physically attracted to them. Why do you think he’s at his “wits end”? Obviously if he didn’t care for his partner he would have left her ages ago.
Emmm
July 8th, 2016 at 9:12 AM
Hi! Your comment made me realized I should lose weight. I gained a lot of weight after being married. And today, I found out my husband was cheating on me. I want a monogamous relationship and you’re right its unfair for your partner if you don’t take care of yourself. My husband looks great and as for me, I look like someone I’m not proud of. I will lose the weight starting today! Thank you!

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Any Average Guy
March 10th, 2017 at 9:01 AM
It makes me really happy to know that something I said/wrote actually helped someone! I know it’s been a while (one year!), but I’ve come to say that I decided to stay. Some things happened (my wife lost her grandmother, then her mother), so I realized I should be there to support her. She hasn’t lost a single pound (actually she gained some more), so my attraction for her is still the same, although I’ve learned to cope with it (I know, it sounds terrible, and it is, but she needs someone by her side). Now we live a different marriage: I spend quite some time doing the things that make me happy (riding my bike, watching series, working out, playing futsal, playing computer games, coding), so that I get to write a story for myself and I’ll have something to talk about when I get older. We have some fun together, but rarely. She hardly ever joins me to do anything, as she prefers to spend her time doing nothing (sometimes, nothing AT ALL). It’s obvious that she has depression, but she just denies it and won’t seek professional help, no matter how many times I tell her to. I can’t force her; all I can do is ask her to do it. Anyway, I’m living a half life, and I know that I would be better off without her, but she would be devastated without me (I tried to leave once, and she tried against her life), and that’s something I don’t want have on my mind for the rest of my life. I’m the last person here to give any good advices, but let me give everyone this: don’t you EVER marry someone you’re not totally attracted to! It may sound harsh, but I prefer reality over the cheap romantic idea that “looks don’t matter”. They do. I don’t expect to have a Scarlett Johansson or an Emilia Clark as a wife, but a little bit of beauty (even through some sacrifice) wouldn’t hurt. I just wish she could “wake up” from this s**t she’s turning her life (and mine) into and decided to take some action, even if it were to leave me, find another guy and be happy. I know that I have all those hobbies so I don’t have to face the incompleteness of my life all the time. Well, enough of that. Best of luck for you!
Just a though
August 4th, 2016 at 1:01 PM
I totally understand where you are coming from! I think that physical attraction to your partner is so important! I think you should be honest with her and you should most likely divorce her. You cant fix not being attracted to her. Sex is so important and I don’t know how you can go so long without it. It will be easier to cheat and lust for someone else if you don’t fix the problem now.

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Hovtwall
February 26th, 2016 at 1:56 AM
The thing is that most of these people were incompatible sexually in the first place even though they didn’t want to admit it. Now that the problem has surfaced they can’t deny it anymore but can’t really change. How could they? This isn’t something a person can change. If someone isn’t attracted to the other person it is not going to work even if they are fine otherwise.
I believe that monogamy is not for everyone, we don’t own the other person’s body. Desires are natural and denying them causes stress in a relationship that leads to emotional detachment. I love my fiancee and she loves me, but we let each other explore other sexual experiences, which bonds us even more. We never get bored of each other this way and our sex life improved dramatically. This way of life is not for everyone, but the benefits are awesome: never have to worry about the other keeping secrets and getting distant, because we talk about everything and share everything. No taboos made our relationship better and trust is never an issue.
I can’t imagine having to sacrifice this freedom in a realtionship, like others can’t imagine their partner having sex with someone else. To each their own. When soemone’s desires has to be suppressed it will always lead to bitterness and resentment and the relationship will ultimately be over. The question is: how much is it worth sacrificing before someone says it’s not worth is?

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confused
July 1st, 2016 at 11:13 AM
That’s true ye the majority of people cannot even think about their partner with someone else. I have tried with exes and each time they say “no, i’m not into sharing” I feel it will be a good thing but it is hard to find a partner that is in to the same thing that you are. I wish my husband was open to this……

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Ethan
February 26th, 2016 at 11:57 PM
I’ve never been sexually attracted to my wife. She doesn’t have any curves and she cut off all her hair. Plus, I really don’t like being a stepdad while I’m being honest.
We met while working together at a hospital. She approached me and I gave it a shot thinking it would be just a fling. I told her I didn’t want marriage or kids. I was nice to her son but recognized he isn’t mine and tried to keep a distance.
I ignored it while dating since she’s so sweet and I like her kid. I tried to break things off several times but she would buy me gifts or take us on lavish vacations. When she proposed I felt I had to accept since I was disabled at the time. Now after three years I find it more and more difficult to keep pretending I don’t want to run away. I’ve even told her that I’m only emotionally attracted to her. I regret it every day. I love her as a person, but I wish I had never went on that first date.

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John
March 5th, 2016 at 5:07 AM
I am attracted to my wife but have a hard time getting off with her. I would prefer to have sex with other people or to include other people in our lovemaking. It’s nothing she does wrong, she is awesome in fact. It’s just we got together young and I’ve apparently bored of having sex with her. It seems fucked up because she is a great person and friend but the sex is boring and I don’t enjoy it anymore. It’s a shame because I do love her and the other 22 1/2 hrs of the week are great with her. The crazy thing is she really still likes the sex and isn’t even aware how board I am. I do my best to prevent and don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth. Don’t see what good it could possibly do anyway.

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david
September 26th, 2016 at 11:23 PM
Did you tried to talk to her, about what you like in bed? Or maybe telling her what she can do to turn you on?

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Tragic
March 8th, 2016 at 1:25 AM
I got married to the best boy who ever crossed my path. He’s nice, helps me take care of my elderly mother, helped me go through my father’s funeral… my mom in-law also loves me a lot. We really get along as a whole family, in general. He’s got his work, is generous with money, we have a good time together reading or watching movies, have more or less the same opinions and interests. He is loyal and trustworthy, calls me often, texts me, is affectionate… I’m sure I won’t find anybody who loves me more than him. I also love him dearly. But our sex life is worse than nine months of severe pregnancy nausea. We have no kids. We met in our thirties, after loooong years of being mostly single and struggling, the two of us. I had had a few (very good, unfortunately) lovers but who were jerks if not openly mean. The thing is, I was a normal and healthy girl when I met my husband, I felt confident, sexy, I even had studied Taoism for women. I saw sex under a positive, spiritual light, and also honored men. My husband, on the other hand, apparently had spent all his single life using porn and feeling ashamed and angry at himself afterwards. He was extremely resentful towards the women in his past. Everything was fine but, suddenly, he showed this extremely cold attitude… so unexpectedly… I spent one year and a half enduring how coldly, how extremely coldly he treated me at times. He didn’t even take pictures of me, what for? I was not that important, apparently. He treated me as a friend that, in some occasions, became his doll in bed. But he was ashamed of that so he started putting me down. He told me I must be sick to want sex. It broke my heart. I wanted to tell him everything I had learned about the Tao, to change his mind, to teach him that sexuality was good… but he is veeeeery into power struggles and he never listened, never even cared. He was very passive aggressive at that time. By then, I already wanted to leave him so badly… but at some point my parents got very sick and I became economically dependent on him, and even in spite of that I wanted desperetaly to leave him and told him so!! But he convinced me, he’d take care of me, he’d change, he’d learn, he was just suffering from that porn problem and his resentment from the past, he would change and I would see. We spent one year and a half together struggling like that, no improvement. He had to win all the battles and give me nothing I needed to feel good, sexy, a woman. I discovered he didn’t want pictures of me but kept pictures of other women from his past, he didn’t want even to post some happy birthday not on Facebook (I put this example to show you how absolutely and ridiculously easy was to do that for me, yet he didn’t have the time or just forgot that altogether. He did talk with other women in Facebook, though.) I was feeling really unhappy by that time but I couldn’t escape, he’d taken charge of economy now, I was working much much harder than him yet he was earning more money… I even risked losing my house. I have been veeeeeery unlucky as regards that as well. The thing is, one summer things evolved to the point that he made it a habit to reject intimacy every single time I even mentioned the idea. He told me to solve it myself, I was too obsessed with that and needed to get over it. I didn’t ask for that much sex… but I realised I had to stop asking him for anything, he just won’t do it. He just won’t treat me like a woman, period. And something changed inside me at that very moment, I even remember the day. My body changed dramatically in no time. I stopped having any desire for him altogether, absolutely nothing at all in just a few weeks. I didn’t want to bother him with my stupid needs, so I stopped asking for anything. I decided I’d take care of myself, but I got so depressed that I didn’t even feel like doing that. I lost my sexuality and became icey frigid.
My husband realised about my change about two or three weeks later. He suddenly realised I was not asking for intimacy, even though I was usually begging him for that. And he suddenly got anxious! He realised he’d made a mistake. He wanted his sex now! I discovered then it was not true he was tired, or sick, or drained, it was just a power struggle he had won and now he didn’t want what he’d got. He demanded more sex than ever, even daily!! Again, the power struggles. He needed to make sure he could have his sex when he wanted it. But I wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t functioning anymore. Sex hurt very badly and I never could finish, I started to loathe having sex with him, I found it gross. The more we tried, the more bad experiences and arguments we accumulated. He is not into forcing women so he had to let it go each and every time, unfulfilled. And at that moment he started to really change. He started crying, feeling very depressed. He told me he realised now he’d been a jerk but now he wanted things to really work with me, to treat me well, to be with me, touch me, that I actually enjoyed being with him… He bought me flowers, took pictures of me (I didn’t want that already, I felt and I still feel appallingly unattractive), wanted to post things on Facebook for me but as I cried every time he did that, telling him he actually just wanted to talk with other girls, he closed his account for good. I know he is faithful because he is always around when he is not at work, each and every single hour of his free time (which I don’t really appreciate that much, anymore). he’s taken me to therapy (no results), he’s even told me recently he’s decided to learn about Taoism to see if he can reconnect with me sexually. It makes me so sad when he tells me that with that sad look on his face. He has indeed become a proper man, but only after he had already turned me into a nun, hopelessly. And I do struggle to recover from my frigidity, but I really can’t, at all. It’s impossible. Intimacy hurts and I feel horribly awkward and terrified when I’m in bed with him. The only times we’ve been able to have some intimacy it’s been when I’ve been very severely drunk, otherwise, I just psychologically cannot. We are still together because of economy, and we really love each other, which is very sad, although I see him (and treat him) like a child or a brother, and he is just desperate to see if at some point I recover and he can get a little bit of sex. He talks often about our beginnings, before he started rejecting me all the time, and he cries and cries… I feel sad for him and for me, but my mind somehow erased these memories, it’s all blank. I can’t remember how it felt like to have a non-traumatic sexuality with him anymore. He is not thinking about going with other women, neither do I want to meet other men for the rest of my life. I’m done with power struggles with men, I understand that many of them don’t really want to please their women, but for a very few human jewels, and apparently life considered I didn’t deserve one of those as a partner. My body just changed. I’m lactose intolerant, and right now I’d rather drink a whole bottle of milk and endure every second of the days afterwards than have sex with my husband and feel hurt, gross, lost and humiliated. It just feels absolutely wrong with me. The problem is he trained me and my body not to consider him a proper sexual mate, not to ask him for anything, because he was lazy, he’d rather watch his porn or forget about it all altogether, he wanted to win all the battles, all the power struggles, and he got it and now he doesn’t like it. And I’ve lost my sexuality thanks to him, I feel nothing but depression and lack of joy in life. I just work and take care of my elder people, nothing else. So that’s what happens when you deny your partner sex out of a whim or a power struggle, in the end you are just spitting against the wind and hurting another human being in the meantime. And the results are not good, it’s a very sad triumph of denial. Tragic, so very tragic…

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Nat
March 11th, 2016 at 3:33 PM
I’m 71 arrived way to many years we had sex once and I didn’t like sex with her. I told her she needed to find another way to have sex, but I prefered to masturbate. I’ve gotten what I want which is great. I have no idea what she did, plus I hadn’t talked to her in years.

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Married man
March 18th, 2016 at 5:37 AM
Firstly, thanks to everyone who has shared advice and stories.
Im early 30s and have been married a year to the most special girl I’ve ever met. Like many in this forum, we too have sex issues which need resolving. She wants sex with me, but for some reason I’m just not all that into it any more. Life is averagely stressful and this combined with feeling tired at times I think are contributing factors. When I was single I would frequently sleep with girls but didn’t usually like to sleep with a girl more than once. If I did, it was after a break where we didn’t communicate and then the idea of sleeping with them again would be more of a turn on. The whole idea of sleeping with someone new is a huge turn on for me actually, and this is purely a sexual preference as they don’t need to be ‘beautiful’, just sexually attractive. Now just to keep the balance in this text id like you to know that (if i may say so myself) I’m a genuinely nice guy, I have great family, friends and work in the health industry where I enjoy helping people daily. The girls I slept around with when single I would always strive to treat right, however i just could keep an interest in them after sex. Getting to the point, I’m happily married now if you can say that. Everything is good apart from I just don’t have that edge with my wife in the bedroom. Girls who are much less attractive than her turn me on from that purely sexual factor. I would say my wife is more beautiful than sexually attractive. When we have sex I just am not that into it, but when for a minute I imagine its another lady it becomes a turn on. Im not happy about it at all and I’m far from giving up on it all. Its still very early days for us and I thank the previous writers, especially ‘Tragic’ as I don’t want to lose something and never get it back like that. I get thoughts wondering if I made the right choice with marriage sometimes because of this. I do feel sorry for myself when I see attractive women who I think I could always find sexually attractive. Of course I feel sorry and bad for my wife also having a husband like this. The way it is at the moment is we have said we are going to work on it. Suggestions like polygamy are out of the question as that would break her heart and I don’t think its a lifetime solution. Ive had one previous girlfriend who we always had a sexual attraction and always wanted to have sex and I just wish I had that same urge with my wife. Marriages are never supposed to be a walk in the park, they each need effort and require both people to never give up. I will work at anything and everything to keep my wife feeling beautiful and sexy, but I just worry I’m battling ‘nature’ here, which could lead to a lifetime of disappointment. I know there will always be other women who turn me on more, that is the same for many men, but I just want to have a bit more sexual attraction/urge in the bedroom with my wife… I want it to come naturally, but maybe/hopefully it will come with some effort. One thing is for sure, expecting things to change when I don’t change my approach is sure to fail.

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M.
July 29th, 2016 at 7:11 PM
My boyfriend is in the same boat as you and it kills me. He loves me and tells me I’m beautiful but he doesn’t want to f*** me. Ever. I cry every day because I love him and I know there’s nothing I can do. I just want him to see me the way I see him.

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 8:42 PM
Did you guys ever work things out?
Lost Love
June 5th, 2019 at 3:23 AM
Whatever you have to do, do it fast to reverse it all…I was exactly like you … I remember going on without sex with my ex for almost 2 years and I wasn’t sleeping with anyone nor masturbating … I don’t know what to type, as it really hurts me, how I selfishly allowed a 6 years marriage ended.All the emotional rollercoaster my action put her through, she didn’t deserve it all, she was a beautiful and living soul…

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Tina
March 24th, 2016 at 6:36 PM
We are married for three years now and have been crying most of the nights because my husband pushes me away most of the time when I try to initiate love making….he will reach home and will mention some kinda sickness; gastric, stomach ache, head ache etc. So I get my message that his not interested but that’s like every day…..

I THINK ANY MEN DOING THIS TO THEIR WIFES ARE WRONG. THEY ARE TOTALLY GAY BUT ARE HIDING IT. I love him but if I can not get enough love from him why should I pretend to be happy. Wish I meet Mr. Right for me.

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 8:53 PM
Women are too quick to label the men in their life, usually out of pain. Husband doesn’t want to have sex with you? He must be gay. Husband lied once? He must be a narcissist. Husband has been depressed lately? He must be bipolar. I understand your situation is difficult, but telling all men that they are “wrong” and “gay” because they are not attracted to one particular woman is ridiculous.

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Rascal
March 25th, 2016 at 8:02 PM
Married almost 3 years.. Wife loves kissing.. And i despise it. She just wants to swirl tongues around and it gives me anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, oral sex is awesome, I just prefer the lower lips. I admit that I must have developed some intimacy problems. Before I got married to my beautiful wife, i would describe my sex life as exciting, fulfilling and insatiable… After marriage i can describe my sex life as stagnant, frustrating and just too much work. My wife is an amazing woman, but she’s got a bad temper and we’ve had some fights and quite frankly I haven’t forgiven her for her low blows. I married her to actually keep me grounded and to stop me from womanizing. Now I feel a section of my personality is empty. I have been intimate with younger basically every man’s sexual fantasy types, women who hit all of the various different demographics, latina, black, thick, curvy, busty, athletic, absolutely beautiful. Now I am married to mother theresa of kalkutta and I would never ever cheat. Sadly, i am now resorting to downloading Internet porn of women who are less desirable then women i have slept with.. Ughhhhh

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Jlee
August 31st, 2016 at 11:43 PM
In response to Rascals point of view. If my husband were honest even to himself this sounds like my husband would relate. But have you looked any where else besides the internet to fix or resolve the issues you have? Have you tried finding a solution in communicating with the wife. She may feel exact you do. If it takes to long to make her happy in the bedroom have you tried asking her what you could do. Best response i have is i bet your not the only one looking at porn alone. Only difference is she isn’t hiding or deleting porn of her phone. Have you tried asking her to be more involved in being intimate as a team instead of you doing all the work. I’ve never told my husband he sucks at kissing. And I’m in love with my husband 8 years now and never experienced a bad kiss until my loving husband. I’ve never taken my own advise and told him that he’s just to fast yes in circles like that’s all he knows and guess what he hasn’t intimately kissed me in a year. I like things different. But I’ve never spoken up and said we don’t have to be this way. And YET my husband has appeared to like and not like way I like it. Yet he’s a man he thinks i wants it same every time. If the men and the women on here would attempt to talk to their partner. 1. You may find they want new or different ways to have sex. They may just be as bored as you. Yet it’s only my advice to get men and women to do something me and my husband can’t seem to do. No matter how many times I’ve asked how can i please you or what can i do to make you happy in bed. Yet my husband says it’s all good. And he’s watched porn past few months and we have had sex twice in 3 months. And YET i did not experience any high pleasures these 3 times we were intimate for 15 minutes, Yet I’m the just found out yesterday that I’m yet again pregnant for 5th time. And my husband yet again is done with our relationship and family. And Ive tried a lot to get him to open up and be honest so that I can give him exactly what he wants from me and to give him and share his fantasies with him cause I love him that much. No matter if I feel I’m getting used once or twice a month to stick it in a warm place that isn’t cheating so he can be all good as he watches porn alone. Again my husband knows I’ve watched porn to get what I need and I haven’t lied. I’ve told the truth. Even if the truth has not and doesn’t work in my bedroom in 8 years. Maybe others here can benefit to try and talk to other PARTNER. As many times as my husband says sexual things, it is followed by men and women are no different. If a man has thought about it sexually no matter what it is then 99% his wife/girlfriend or partner has already thought about it. I hope my experience or lack of having a truthful honest intimacy issues with my husband May encourage some of you to talk to your partner’s and say YOU need more or less of it’s hard work to please my wife as Rascal said. Try talking to your wife your in love with before taking care of yourself. Cause who knows either she’s taking care of herself or someone else is. And I love my husband as much as I read you love your wife. And I would never cheat. No matter what day that ends with DAY he has said he’s done with us the past 8 years. All of you, I wish nothing but the best that you are able to get out of a relationship that your not happy in sexually or emotionally. Chances are the other PARTNER is just as unhappy as you are. Ever heard that song by Jimmy Buffett, 2 people unhappy but a couple. 1 takes a personal add out in a paper. Other partner of the couple answers it yes I love making love at midnight. Neither one knew the other intimately because they never bothered to talk to one another to see what the other enjoyed intimately. Both people of a couple have to work at having a sexual relationship because work and kids or family or what person is creating drama this day. Try talking or having a conversation without including work and loved ones. If your still not happy with your partner sexually, then end it cause neither one of y’all are being satisfied. It’s hard. And I don’t recommend divorce but life is short your wasting your time and there’s, no matter how easy it us to come home and watch porn. You want to stay together then get off line and go talk to a therapist about your sexual and intimacy issues are not being met.

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Nya
April 8th, 2016 at 7:50 AM
What is it about her that’s not attractive? Is she too fat/skinny? Not blonde or brunette enough? Needing makeup, dental work, or a wardrobe overhaul? If it’s something superficial, why not pinpoint it and ASK her to change it? You’re married forever, so you both are committed to satisfying eachother. Most people genuinely want to please their partner… My fiance asked me to shave “down there” differently, and he prefers my hair long, so I cut it one place and didn’t cut it in another! Lol He’s also a foot guy, so I keep mine pedicured. It takes a little extra time, but he’s HAPPY! I told him I prefer him hairy, so he stopped shaving his chest/stomach. I also mentioned that I like him with definition, so he got his 6pack back. It wasn’t mean! We want to belong to eachother… Maybe, you could say “have you ever thought of going blonde? Idk I have this picture in my head of how your eyes and tan would just glow… Would you ever be interested in that? Lol” and then pay for it. Take her to lunch, get a pedi with her or pick up the kids or make dinner while she pampers herself and does something to appease you. If you don’t like her body, go on walks with her! Take Zumba together. Spot eachother at the gym! Make healthy food for BOTH of you. Challenge her to a fitness bet- winner gets something epic <3 whatever you do, just don't leave her hanging. Be in it together. And if it's something simple, SAY SO!!!! Feedback in bed goes a long way "mm I like that" does wonders :) or "hold on, can we…" And then show her what you like. Easy pie. Don't be sad, anything is fixable if you love eachother, just don't give up. Nothing is too dirty or too intense or too taboo if you're in a permanent partnership. It's better to just be honest (WITH 100 % RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION OF THEIR FEELINGS), than silent and miserable. The tense awkwardness of something not being right is worse than the initial awkwardness of addressing the problem because at least after you spit it out, there's potential to make it better or at least compromise.

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Cowboy15
April 24th, 2016 at 8:54 PM
I dontl know what is going on. I am married to the most beautiful loving woman in the world. We have been married for 21 years even though we are in our late 50’sa we both are in good shape and are attractive. Our relationship some 21 years ago started with dating after our divorces after long marriages. And was the sex frequent, all over the place and fantastic… and she got pregnant. I objected at first but married her. We had the tough times and the good times and now that all the kids are out of the house and we have each other.
Well, now it seems sex is not as important as it once was. Oral sex stopped two years ago, about the time the youngest left home and now its one of two positions only; missionary or she turns her back and I finish up…nothing else. And Now I notice she has her eyes closed the entire time…. I have ordered the liberator, and other accessories of all kinds and it all gets thrown away and I am scolded for wasting money.
I love her so very much and she is very very attractive with a very nice figure and in good shape. I am romantic with the flower, the holding hands, little notes and cards, but I am beginning to feel like a fool.
She can make a 30 year old look bad when she wears a bikini and she is 58. But now I am so bored and she will not try anything else. And now I can’t have an orgasm. I just stop after a few frantic seconds and say never mind and head to the other bedroom. She always says well we can love each other without sex. I try to talk to her about it but it does no good.
We are Christian folks and go to Church but trying to find good christian counseling that she will go to to talk about this is out of the question. And, I am finding myself turning to pornography for satisfaction. I feel so guilty.
I don;t want anyone else; I want her to want me and to initiate love making.
What can I do?????

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James
May 14th, 2016 at 7:15 AM
Some of these stories really hit home. My wife and I are 25 with 1 child. We’ve been together for 11 years 3 of them being married, got together in high school. We have a 2 year old daughter and have our own house. We work seperate shifts, I work days – she nights. Since we met she and I have both gained weight, her about 60lbs (220lbs total now 5ft4in tall) and I about 90lbs. In the beginning our relationship was perfect. We connected on an emotional and physical level. Her face is an 8 out of 10 and back then body was an 8 too. She and I got along better than any couple I’d ever seen and we agreed on many things. I loved her enough to jump off a cliff if she was going to. I didn’t realize it when it was first happening but, after we got married, I started losing my attractiveness to her as she put on weight. When I finally figured out that my erectile issues weren’t a physical problem and it was just that I wasnt attracted, it was already too late. I watched some pornography as a young teen but felt ashamed and when I started dating her 11 years ago I admitted I did watch porn out of guilt and stopped porn for years. I was still attracted to her when we got married 3 years ago but soon after it went downhill and I slumped back into a porn addiction after 7 years clean to make up for my lack of attraction to her.
Now, as stated earlier, I’m not in the best of shape either. I weighed in at 295 pounds (6ft2in tall) when the attraction issues started happening. I immediately began to correct this behavior because you can’t expect your spouse to lose weight of you don’t so I started dieting. I suggested to her that she diet with me to encourage me to stick with it (although that was a white lie, I wanted her to do it to lose weight too).
*now this next part is going to sound shallow, I don’t mean it too, I’m one of the absolute kindest and gentle hearted men you could ever meet, I always pay my debts and believe in morals but.. Well here goes.
Then we got pregnant. Pregnancy of course took a toll on her body as it probably does to every woman. Stretch marks and scars from an insulin pump. She also developed bad cellulitis. She has spider veins and her legs and arms have wing-like fat. Her face is still beautiful as ever. We fell off the diet in the wake of a new baby and I gained my weight back. All of my weight is in my stomach, my arms and legs are healthy and semi muscular.
Now as a result when we have sex I can only see her flaws, and in so, I lose my erection every time. I can’t help it! I try so hard to think “she is a mother now, these are motherly battle scars and should be celebrated and sexy to you” but i can’t. It hurts her when I can’t finish and it makes me so sad and guilty to see her feelings hurt. I started dieting again and lost about 40lbs (now 250lbs). I tried to get her to diet too with me, but for the first 4 months she made an excuse that she wanted another baby so there was no use in dieting since she was going to gain baby weight anyway.
Now Ive got her back dieting with me. I face another problem though. My stupid brain is too shallow and wonders that, if she losses weight and gets thin, wont she still have flabby skin? She’ll still have the cellulite and the skin flaws. Will I even be attracted? I prayed weeks on end that I may see past all this and be physically attracted to her personality. Only problem is she’s a little controlling as well. She doesn’t like me to see friends. She doesn’t want me having fun without her involved so that in addition keeps me wondering if I should continue the marriage. I’m not perfect but I let her do what she wants at least. I never initiate arguments either. Luckily we don’t argue too often just one a week or so.
Pornography is the only glue in our sex lives at the moment and for the last 2 years. At first I loathed myself for getting addicted again, tried everything to stop (swearing on my family, writing a contract, installing restrictive software in my phone, everything I could think of). Now after 2 years I’ve embraced it as the only way I can finish in the bedroom, the only way to get hard. I close my eyes the entire time and picture the video of that week. She doesn’t know I watch pornography, I admitted I did once out of guilt and she said if I ever did it again she would leave. Porn however is the only thing keeping our marriage together right now otherwise we would not be having sex.
I don’t know what to do. I either stay or go, but there are so many pros and cons to each. I refuse to cheat I’m not that line of man. If I divorce then I feel she’d be devastated. She still thinks we’re in love although she knows the sex is getting stale. She would cry for hours, days. We would lose our house and move back in with our respective parents, we’d fight over custody of our 2 year old, we have no money for lawyers or court fees. I’d have to pay child support and it would be a constant battle to see my daughter. She does not have a good enough job too sustain herself in her own apartment. I would feel free again and able to see who I want (no one in particular). Now if I stay I have to live in silent despair, constantly wondering if I’ll ever have decent sex again. My wife is quite lazy she almost never does housework I usually clean the house and do laundry although I work full time and she works part time. However she is a better mother than I am a father. She takes wonderful care of our daughter and I find myself busy often to give a motherly love, but I adore and care for my daughter. She is also a fairly nice person, she never forgets birthdays and always says I love you when we get off the phone. We both have our flaws but do I continue and let my wife and daughter be happy? Or do I leave and possibly cause sadness and trauma to my wife and daughter but I’d be happy? If I leave it has to be soon since my daughter is young enough to not feel/understand the full effects of a divorce from a “happy” marriage. Help me

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Kr
August 30th, 2023 at 2:50 AM
Can I ask how it now?

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Lindsey
May 16th, 2016 at 10:34 PM
I am truly, deeply saddened to see all these stories. My bf is 14 years older than me, shorter, skinny, bald and to me, homely. We were acquaintances for 11 years when suddenly, at the same professional conference, we ended up having one very authentic conversation about the ways in which our lives weren’t working. In retrospect, I can see we were both depressed. He was emotionally empty, about to end a 29 year marriage. I was frustrated by my career. I never felt even a flicker of sexual attraction to him. Not for one millisecond! Like the therapist wrote, “What does that say about me?” I realize, yes, I have a lot of guilt about previous sex-only “relationships” I involved myself in. I was raised very strictly, so I went a little crazy after I finally divorced my first and only husband. OK, a lot crazy.
Long story short, we have good companionship skills. He likes my cooking and I like to cook. He makes me laugh. He listens well. We enjoy hanging out. But other than telling stories about our lives before we met, we have nothing to talk about. Our professional overlap was very minor. I am mentally bored. I tell myself I don’t need to be with mentally stimulating men, I work with enough interesting people. I tell myself I should have had my fill of sex by now, since I’m 51 and surely, it will become less interesting soon. Sadly, I do not find even one single feature on his body attractive; I dislike the way he makes love; I even dislike the way he smells (he has excellent hygiene, I just mean his natural scent). And here we are, two years later. He moved to my state to be with me. (I asked him not to, but then I recanted because he was so sad!) I see him every day we’re both in town. I would miss his companionship greatly. But when he goes back to his apartment after we have sex, I want to wash the sheets, scrub my body, wash everything he touched and change my locks. And yet, tomorrow I’ll wake up and invite him for a home cooked breakfast and begin the cycle again. I don’t understand myself! This should not have been more than a friendship! What was I thinking?!?!?

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sergio
May 17th, 2016 at 12:15 AM
well you better watch out or else she is going to cheat on you. just think about it man, she is going to get it from some guy while you over there not wanting to have sex with her…pleasure her or else she gonna leave you for someone who does give her what she wants…

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michael
May 19th, 2016 at 10:37 PM
Dear Readers,please do not talk ill of missing something coz i am also in that situation.my wife has all the qualities that i have ever searched for and i can never imagine losing her because i love her so much.Once we moved in,i realized she loves sex so much but i dont;either because she was a virgin and had not experienced it before or she just enjoyed it with me.But i AM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER.I care so much for her and cannot hurt her feelings.A one day without sex makes her angry,sad and furious to the point of imagining me having an affair outside our marriage(even during her periods).I just treasure her so much but dont want any sex from her.I need serious cancelling please.I have read the above advise but still not doing anything to me
Michael

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DontFeelLovedWithoutSex
May 31st, 2016 at 5:28 PM
Im a twenty year old female suffering from not getting enough sex with my fiancé. All my ex boyfriends wanted sex all day long. Now I am engaged and my fiancé just doesn’t like sex as much as I do. I feel empty and depressed when he turns me down . Everything else in our relationship is great , he makes me laugh , takes care of me, we have a beautiful baby girl together but he’s just not interested in sex thaT much. Most men I know would love a girl like me that wants sex all the time but he says he just can’t give it to me. I feel like if he really loved me he would, I love him with all my heart but I can’t imagine living like this forever as sex is something I need to feel loved and secure .i hate that our relationship has to be like this it leaves me feeling empty and sad. I wish he could change it breaks my heart the way he is . im skinny with big titties and a perky a%s , long curly hair and light hazel eyes .. I get hit on everywhere I go . I ignore guys when they hit on me. I don’t want anyone but my fiancé its true but I jus don’t know how long I can last living like this. I want to feel wanted and lusted after. Why is it that every man I encounter wants me but my own fiancé doesn’t? I wish I can change him many
People would say for him to just let me go and let me find someone who can love me in every way the way I need to be loved but I just can’t let him go . He is my child’s father and a good man but I will never be complete if this doesn’t change in our relationship. Im so broken hearted

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Milly
July 19th, 2016 at 4:27 AM
Don’t marry him. I know that sounds harsh but you’ll just end up unfulfilled. I speak from experience. The second I got married my husband lost interest in me. He won’t see anyone and is absolutely fine with once a week. He knows how important sex is to me, we made a deal before marriage that we would do it at least three times a week really well, with little extras on other days. Now I’m miserable. He has no desire for me. It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt so rejected. I’m a sexually confident person but now feel like an ugly old lady. It’s not worth it.

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Pink Poodle Purse
June 3rd, 2016 at 12:27 PM
As an older guy at 49, I had a sex date 18 year old. Drove through an Ice storm to get there. And I wasnt very aroused during the whole encounter. She was a very nice guy. Shy, beautiful, needed a TOOTHBRUSH (I brought one for her just in case) and was unknowledgeable about how someone should be treated during love making. Everyone had treated her bad. I was as nice to her as I could be, bought her lunch and dinner and threw up in the dinner restaurant on me. We had already made love with each other and I did not climax and neither did she. I would not climax unless she would. She had one of the “implants” for birth control in her arm or so she said. At 830 or so she started to cry on me and said she missed home. I took her home promptly, she could have went the next day before checkout. By I also learned something about myself. I wasnt excited because I wasnt in love and that is what I need to make any future exchanges in my life meaningful. I have had a terrible life, been isolated more than any person should be, I am handicapped as well with Polands Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and finding a woman who would take me as I am has been impossible. Ive been on 2 dating sites I paid for and I was able to go on 2 dates on one, and none on another site. One was a stuckup professional black woman and another was a larger woman who chastised me for not going places on my own. I see no reason to date MYSELF. Am I wrong in this regard?

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Danette M
June 8th, 2016 at 11:50 AM
Why would anybody EVER marry somebody that they are not absolutely sexually on fire for….. without the sexual component that person would just be my best friend… I do not understand this at all…
However if it started off fire, then the sex diminished, you need to understand why, only then can you get the spark back.

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Bani
July 1st, 2016 at 9:47 PM
Trust me. After having sex with the same person for years, people tend to get bored and want to change there situation.

They get less attracted to each other and blame it on each other’s side by making imagination of mind.

Boredom with anything, n anyone is possible after a certain amount of time spent.

We can’t just keep changing partner. Every coupleof years just becausehuman being has a tendency of getting bored and a need for change in theirlife.

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JasonL
July 5th, 2016 at 12:27 PM
Maybe he’s like me and needs newness and sexual variety in order to get aroused and marriage kills that pretty effectively. In my case ever since I started dating at age 15 I found that I could only be sexually aroused when I was with a new partner. If I had had sex with a woman more than three or four times I would lose my sexual desire for her. I guess I just have a very high arousal threshold and need sexual variety to function sexually. I put off marriage until I was 40 but I wanted kids but the sex was terrible almost from day one and we stopped trying after going to various therapists to try and solve the problem. That was over 20 years ago and the marriage has been sexless since then. I simply can’t get aroused by my wife. I have had a few flings and they were great but, of course didn’t last long. I wish I was easily turned on and could have sex with the same woman over and over but my body simply shuts down sexually after only a few sexual encounters.

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Jack ML
March 8th, 2017 at 5:52 PM
What you are describing is actually a very common condition among males, in fact it is so common there is even a name for it. It’s called the “Coolidge effect”.

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Donnace
July 8th, 2016 at 1:29 PM
I want my husband so much it makes me crazy, we are older and there are things that could help, Biafra he says makes him jittery for a week, the triple p shot hurts. Does he just not want me? We have been married less than a year. The times we gave had sexy are the best I have ever known. Why can’t I be desirable?

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Brandon K
July 17th, 2016 at 6:19 AM
I just stumbled across this article and for some reason I thought it was just me. I am 38 and my wife is 30. She in my opinion is so beautiful and ha only gotten better since we met. We have 2 little girls together and have had such little sex that we could almost pinpoint the day that she conceived. However, its not her, its me. A troubled childhood and terrible previous marriage which I never seeked help for has crept its way into my life by over analysis of my sex issues. I cannot describe how much I love her and until I caught her having multiple affairs a few weeks ago I didn’t have much of a sexual urge. At that point for some reason,I began to desire sex and foreplay with her. Things inside me came alive that I have never felt. When we had sex for the next few weeks it felt so right that I resisted believing it. She is hypersexual from a repressed christan upbringing and has told me numerous times throughout the last 6 years how much sex means to her. I would listen and rant for a bit trying to explain my anxiety about sex and only took seriously the idea of the blue pill a few months back. A friend cautioned me about ordering it behind her back since the issue was so important to her and that his wife almost left him when she found out. She resisted the idea likely out of confusion and the topic died. Looking back at it all I cannot help but hate myself for not asking for help earlier. Sex was amazing for those few weeks and last weekend I caught her seeking other men again. I was floored and have behaved in a way that I have never behaved. I begged her not to leave me but im afraid that after a bunch of suicidal talk and childish acting out that I have finally pushed her to a point of no return. She doesn’t believe anything I have told her about my issue because of resentment. The thing is, I understand after the fact that I failed to make her feel special despite how special she is to me. She has been gone a week and I am flat out breaking. With zero communication and nearly zero interactions with my girls which are with her I feel like I am trapped in a Nightmare. I can’t eat or sleep and keep repeating, what have I done. Im truly not suicidal but have been told by many people that everyone has a breaking point. I want to comfort her in order to feel good about myself but Im starting to believe that I will never have that chance again. Im finally seeking help by attending counseling services and I think about her all day every day. I feel no anger towards her but entirely towards myself. I can barely complete a thought in my head right now without crying. I love her so much and even though I want to perform a 180 in my life, I believe that I have to let her go. She definitely cares about me as a person but after rereading the messages she was sending to these men with talks and pictures of my girls I am not sure if I deserve her. She is an amazing person who everyone that has met her loves. She has a glow that I have loved since the day I met her and you can see it in our girls. Not really religious, I have been praying for her and I every day but I am losing hope and starting to realize the gravity of the situation. I want to be there for her and not miss watching my kids grow up. So desperate for help right now but its likely too late. All of this seems to stem from my sexual insecurities, not that I just can’t perform, but that I never once initiated sex and a few times was genuinly too tired. I fantasize about going back in time to put the effort in so that this would have never happened but….. all I can do is set her free and try to live with myself. Focus on what I do have and hope that she has a change of heart. I’m so sorry that I have hurt her and everyone else in my life. The hardest day is today because I have to move out and go be alone with nobody to talk to. Please God, forgive me.

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Fedja
July 11th, 2017 at 7:58 AM
Prayers to all of us… I am in the same boat… just said to my partner of 18 and a half years to live her life because she deserves it… I am letting her go into the hands of a new person she has met… hoping I did not completely cut her wings of love… and secretly wishing that somehow… someday… I will also be able to find a little bit of peace of mind for myself.
And remember – IF IT’S NOT OK, IT’S NOT THE END YET, because in the end, everything is gonna be alright!
Thank you all, brave people from this forum. I am bookmarking it immediately!
Fedja

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Wow
July 22nd, 2016 at 10:31 AM
Wow, I can relate to so many people on this string. I’ve been married now for 3 years and our sex life has gone stagnant. I am an attractive woman and in good shape but I can tell my husband no longer finds me attractive and no longer enjoys sex with me. He’s taken to watching porn, even as soon as an hour after we’ve had sex. He runs to the bathroom and stays there for almost half an hour. The reason I know he does that is I got curious and checked his phone after one of these times and he had porn on his screen. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me about it but he refuses. He makes ridiculous claims of “I wasn’t masturbating, I was just bored and watched it” which I know is BS. Also, I know he fakes his orgasms, I can tell, he’s not good at faking them. Sometimes I wonder why he even proposed to me, I don’t think I’m his type physically. I’ve tried talking to him about it and tried to find out what I can do to help him enjoy sex with me, maybe there’s something he enjoys that I’m not doing, but he always says he’s satisfied but I can tell he’s lying when he says it. It’s extremely frustrating, I masturbate more now than I did when I was single. This is not how I pictured marriage to be. I love him and don’t want to get divorced but knowing he doesn’t enjoy sex with me makes me feel terrible. I know he thinks he plays it off well and that I haven’t noticed, but it’s very obvious. I want to go to counseling because he won’t talk to me directly about it, but he doesn’t believe in going to counseling. Uuuggghhhh this is so frustrating.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
July 22nd, 2016 at 1:29 PM
Dear Wow,

Thank you for your comment. Please know the GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Even if your husband does not want to go to counseling, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor yourself. You may be able to, with the help of a counselor, explore strategies for bringing up the topic of couples counseling with your husband. Counselors can also offer support as you address and examine your own thoughts and feelings regarding this topic and any other concerns.

You can find a counselor in your area through our website. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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maniaclane
July 25th, 2016 at 11:31 AM
I am gonna go out of the box and image for a moment that the man is not being completely forthcoming in his description of his marital sex woes. Odds of this story being complete in my view as a married man for 35 years are in the lottery, stuck by lightening category. 3 Years, red flag, he has experienced a temptation he hides. The internet is an excellent enabler for most all mistakes. A virtual world, no real rules, just form in masse and permission granted. Reality check my man, fess up, then we can talk.

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maniaclane
July 25th, 2016 at 11:41 AM
If I may add, I went thru these feelings. I married a cute virgin, teaching her was fun, until the experienced hot bodied wife of a friend shocked my with an offer. To my deep regret I cheated. Then, my wife made a decision, I never asked who she spoke with, but she went on a mission to keep us together. In turn I began again to teach, to discover she too had studied, and the next two decades were sex at it’s best. Love binding lust, all sanctified by the Creator. I would not have told of the affair had I posted here and base my opinion on experience and human nature as I view the tendencies. We Lie. His I sense is a lie of omission. There, if I am wrong you all know I based my opinion in life experience. Thanks.

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Dave
August 7th, 2016 at 9:17 AM
On the off chance your wife is one of the very few women who’s insecurities don’t run the show, you can try talking to her. I caution you in that she is most likely so deeply insecure that there is no way to convey your issues without her overreacting and becoming intolerable. That is a HIGH risk you take in being honest. I think the problem is that you are great friends with your wife but not lovers. Men differ from women in that sexuality IS a key aspect to love. Not all women differ but probably most. Your wife probably incorrectly thinks that your love has a damn thing to do with how good sex is. For her, love matters. For men, sex is sex and love is love. Two totally separate things. The moment you pull back the curtain on male sexuality, her insecurities will ruin any chance of negotiating a change. Women rarely negotiate. Our current culture is nearly 100% estrogen-eccentric. What I mean is that there is no balance. Right now, society is saying that if a woman likes it, that is gospel. In reality, valuing both genders preferences is what will breed success. You and I won’t live long enough to see that balance so you are left with being told that any form of male sexuality is bad. There is no point in fighting it as mass adoption of a value replaces actual truth in most cases. All she has to do is cite how ALL of her friends think that offering her vagina is already more than she should have to do. You have no recourse or logic to stand in her way of thinking.
So, if I were you, I’d continue to fake it. My real worry is that you find a woman who is both a friend AND a lover and then you are really screwed. Once you realize what a REAL lover can do for you it will be clear that you aren’t as in love as you think. I hope you never taste that. If you do, you are done.

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Jay
August 19th, 2016 at 3:21 AM
Wow, I thought I was a freak. Reading these posts makes me realize I’m not alone. My GF is very pretty but not my type. Everything else is great but I was not sexually attracted to her from day one. I kept thinking it would change but 10 years later it hasn’t. She loves sex and initiated it often in the beginning but just wasn’t that into it. I felt extremely guilty when I turned her down and I know it hurt her. I do out of obligation and know if she knows it or not. She’s sexual but not sexy. She needs some nasty in her but don’t think that’s something you can learn.

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Beentheredonethat
August 20th, 2016 at 11:58 PM
I feel for you my friend because I’m in the same situation. I was a lonley guy when I met my second wife. We hit it off right away and we got married 3 months later. Sex was great at first but gradually declined to almost never now. The problem is that I was so lonely that I settled for someone I’m really not attracted to sexually. I love her and we get along well but I’m repulsed by her sexually! I feel guilty about it cause she always makes me feel bad because we don’t have sex. I can’t tell her it’s because I find her sexually repulsive. I’m sure there are lots of people in the same situation, they love there spouse but are no longer sexually attracted to them for what ever reason. Maybe because there partner has aged ungratefully or has gained a lot of wieght or whatever. The point is you love them but they just don’t excite you anymore, or wores they repulse you sexually. My wife thinks I’m impudent but I’m not, there is just no way I can get an erection with her.

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ChelseaH
August 29th, 2016 at 3:39 PM
Just to offer a somewhat different prospective, but yet getting down to the same problem: I have an amazing, caring, loving and super intelligent boyfriend I am not sexually attracted too. There was no physical spark between the two of us from the beginning, but I was instantly attracted to his mind and personality. He is one of the best boyfriends I’ve ever had, I am sure that he will make an amazing husband and father, but I just don’t want to f$ck him…haha sounds brutal, I know. He was raised as a good catholic boy feeling guilty about sex, as a result its either super boring or super quick. I have a good imagination, so we get by, but I’m just left with more desire and sexual energy that he can take care of, what am I supposed to do?! I wish sex wasn’t as important as it is, but I now realize it is, it came to a point that I keep having sexy dreams when we sleep together – I guess all that repressed sexual energy is getting out. I just wish I could have him as a life partner and then have a complete physical freedom, but ha, how likely is that?!

PS. I’ve had boyfriends that were amazing in bed, but not so good for a life long partnership, I really have a special person here, but is it the “you cant have everything” situation, or are there a lot of people that are happy in all the aspects or their couple life?!

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 9:33 PM
Two years later – did you guys work things out?

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Jlee
September 1st, 2016 at 12:30 AM
Very powerful what Dave said I was agreeing until last paragraph. I’m not insecure. I’ve never had a reason to be. As I stated I’ve told my husband what I’ve wanted and then I find out I’m to intimidating. And my husband has had multiple sex partner’s got to count on 2 hands. And I’ve had 2. 1st husband and I was young didn’t even know what porn was. Now my current husband. He told me a sexual activity he’s kind of thought about lol that was 2 months ago and hasn’t touched me since lol. From a MAN as a 30 something attractive looking. Now I don’t know what a attractive means to you but I have 2 older children and 2 younger kids and I can’t go to store without a man bumping into stands in front of his wife. Or a man asking my Name or number in front of my 13 year old son. But I have no insecurities at all. Husband does talk to me enough because he runs a company and we have kids. But he if he had any issues like I said in my 1st response I said talk to partner. But some men are not capable of having a mom of their children being their intimate partner. But I’ve tried and made me the child provider then the woman you want to call for a dirty time. And my husband still doesn’t TALK. My question is Could you elaborate even if she was your best friend and best lover then your really not as in love with her as you think. Or am I on right track. That no man wants same as a best lover and best friend. Cause I’m an amazing woman. And I’ve tried to be that for my husband who lied about porn as I’m talking to him saying I need sex or I want him or i need to F@@@ whatever day he needed to hear it from me. He’s passive aggressive as it is. But he lied as we have participated in watching porn together but now he’s all of a sudden embarrassed cause of his libido. I’m 30 is 40. So how or how could he not be that much in love with me as he thinks or I think cause I have been best friend and his lover. I’m curious cause I have no clue. Just looking for better way to figure it out and fix it as in that since of Having to fix everything I am that typical woman just curious?

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Lost_girl
September 6th, 2016 at 5:48 AM
I recently caught my fiancé cheating with the female cashier at the gas station. It was a 6 month affair. She was older- not very attractive. I took his phone and wanted to know all. What I found was he was also talking to men. Random meet ups letting them get him off. He refuses to confess what I read making it sound like he was just going to take their money and not do anything. No money was spoken about in the email I read. He answered an ad to a man looking for thick penis (sorry to get so graphic) and he wrote “if you want it you can have it after work”. That all I read till he grabbed phone from me. If he’s bi-sexual how could I ever be enough for him. We stopped sleeping together for 2 years. Things were not good but we stayed together. After I caught him it seems like he wants sex all the time now. I’m confused! I wish we could make it work for our son. How can you trust again.

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Gay now
September 7th, 2016 at 1:22 AM
Hi lost girl,
I’m sorry about you husband. I was the same way as him, married but loved to be with men. I tried to control the urge to be gay but I was not able to. My wife got a hold of my phone as well and say what I was up to. I felt so bad for her and of course I was terrible ashamed! After she caught me I too tried to deny it all and tried to lie my way out of it. Anyway she forgave me but our relationship was never the same after that. I loved her more then anything but I never enjoyed making love to her. After she caught me we tried to make the marriage work but it was no use because I love having sex with men. I feel free and uninhabited now that I have come out of the closet, I don’t have to live a lie anymore just to make everyone else think I’m normal like them and not some freak just because I’m gay. I don’t have to hide behind a heterosexual marriage anymore, it wasn’t fair to my wife or me. I think you know what your husband is and if you are ever to be happy you must let him go and move on with your life, otherwise you are just in denial and living a lie. Sorry but the right man is out there waiting for you, you just have to realize that.

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Milly
September 7th, 2016 at 5:47 AM
Please leave him. He may not be a bad person but you will never be happy or able to trust him. He needs to see a therapist as he obviously has sexual issues. What’s the point if staying together when you’re both unhappy?

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Prosper
September 13th, 2016 at 3:56 PM
It is true to what somepeople said,some women do love men,bcos of sex.e.g there was a lady that wrote letter to me dat she so much lv me,so to cut off the story i said ok,we continue,i gave her money for her hair,she insist d money and said she don’t like my money,i said what do she like she said,she love me bcos of sex anytime she what it she will call me for it.so my there broda u hv to mak her understand k?.

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Jackie
September 20th, 2016 at 7:39 AM
I’m married 35 yrs. My husband has hardly ever been interested in sex. But he has a lot to say
about it.
“People our age don’t have sex anymore ( 27)”
I’m not interested in sex because of you”
“Your not good enough in bed to be a hooker”
“Ok I’ll have sex with you but I won’t enjoy it”
We’re both medical professionals.
This craziness knows no boundaries

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Mary
October 15th, 2016 at 12:48 PM
I have been married 32 yrs.Back I 2011 I caught my husband talking to a female co worker on his cell phone .they would talk 3 or more times on the phone, when I ask him what was going on he told me he was Talking to her about our martial problems in which I was not aware iff. After that he became very cold in bed and told me that sex or Intammy was not important in a marriage, it has been a losing battle between us, we can go 3 months without sex and if it happens it might be 1 or 2 times a month. I have decided to moVe on and leave him, I am always the one who has to bring up the point as to why he feels like that and of course he tells me because I am always
leaveing, good cover up for him..,

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David
November 17th, 2016 at 5:33 AM
I think he should introduce his wife to the world of cuckolding. She can have any man she desires and he gets to watch and enjoy. That would set their marriage on fire for sure.

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Angel
November 20th, 2016 at 8:10 AM
You refer to being intimate with your wife as “Having Sex” thats the problem! You and your Wife should be MAKING LOVE..hold her,look into her eyes,kiss her forehead and at the same time CHERISH THE MOMENT…don’t let THE DEVIL destroy the BEAUTY you and your wife have together…don’t be afraid to talk to her…tell her how much you LOVE her and how much she means to you…PRAY!

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Dr m
November 23rd, 2016 at 9:52 PM
I my self have the same issue with a most lovely woman ,,shes a type that most men struggle to get close to,,shes kind smart well physically and perfect spoken,,
But i have this paraphilic desire,,since age of three,,,
Im not really into regular sexual intercourse or if i do i wont be please deeply as when i participate in a edgy bdsm experience with some ine who is completely into bdsm too,,
I used to be with my wife at first that we both had bdsm desires,,she a dom and me a sub,,, but as time went by and i knew her deeper and started loving her mire than anything in the world,,, the bdsm thing seemed to be a little awkward,,,i could not imagine the love of my life doung those horrible things to me,,i mean its not hot anymore,,its too emotional now,,,its like having sex with best friends,,,but this is not sex,,and is bdsm,,

I had to go with a girl just for sheer bdsm and no other type of connection once in a month and my wife had to agree after long striggles,,she believed i could not live without my paraphilic desires unless theres a real cure,,,
Until we find that,,i have to bare the shame of going out with some one and come back as she knows i have been in the most bizzard sado masochistic things with her hours ago,,,
Its too hard for me to make her suffer like this,,
I have no doubt that i love her sooo much,,
I cuddle her day and night and push my face into her face and it feels like heaven,,,i kiss her hourly with the deepest respect,,love and affection,,
But i cant think of having the sex with her,,,i mean its ok,,but i would really look forward to it .,
I mostly think of bdsm and not regular sex,,and this bdsm is not even as appealing as sex when i think about my wife and i in that,,,

What can i do,,i heard bdsm when really fundementally grown inside some one from early childhood os the hardest to treat,,
I could not for once take my first and foremost wish become second,,,which is ti be involved in a life time bdsm partnership with the most sadomasochistic partner,,im ashamed to say this but its my dream
I can let go,,
What should people like me do,,
Dont tell me try to have severe lashing sessions with ur wife or maybe she likees ti choke you till u passs out !!cuz thats not something you ever wanna do with one u love,,and even if u tried,,it will be a badddd experience,,
Help me out,,im sooo hopelessss,,i know she wont sustain in this situation for long,,,
I my self cant tolorate being a selfish worthless pervert in her eyes,,,
But this is my character,,,ever since i was three,,i only thought of most severe bdsm acts which by them i never knew really existed,,,

Professionally im a full time dentist with doctorate degree and fully respected socially,,its my dark secret that only few know about

Maybe i can keep it a secret forever and she might find confort in the soul bdsm thing without emotional attachment to that partner ? Or i have to let her move on?it will crush me though,,i want to be with her for ever

Plz dont be cliche,,,
Its real pain,,,
There are people like me,,,
Sado masochistic s are really there,,,
Its not our fault,,,to be a three yr old thinking of being crushed to death by some one without knowing why,,,

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So confused
December 1st, 2016 at 3:24 PM
My situation is I’m engaged to the greatest person I’ve ever met who cares, loves , understands and accepts me for who and what I am and has helped me thru anxiety
and depression. My problem is I’m not physically attracted , she’s beautiful but very overweight and I’m afraid to say it doesn’t turn me on in the slightest we have sex but it’s just not what I’m after . We are on different levels of sexual preferences I’m very open her more vanilla but willing to try some things but irrespective of this I’m not feeling it . So I met a friend online and we chatted about lots of things got along great and then my fiancé mentioned maybe we try an open relationship to satisfy my wants and desires that she can’t provide . I agreed we could look into it and then said well I have found someone who I like who I’ve joked around with about catching up with and it might come to fruition with her . My fiancé thought about it and decided we could meet up somewhere which was 4 hours drive for both of us but was worth it . The meeting was for sex only overnight after some compromises but we had had some feelings before then but the night went way better than we expected , butterflies , the buzz , thrill all there , my friend has a smoking body and is small and likes the fact that I’m so much bigger as I do (I’ve never been with someone smaller than me , settled for anyone maybe ?) . So now I’m conflict not knowing what I want , the comfortable safe boring at times unfulfilled but very loving life I have or the new interstate giving up everything family , dog, sports for a new start and new exciting life with someone who gives me that “feeling” but the rest is all an unknown and having anxiety that’s a massive jump to take . Please help

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A Guy in his early 30's
December 7th, 2016 at 6:30 AM
Yeah, sometimes guys aren’t into sex. Funzies to be stereotyped.

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annonymous
December 7th, 2016 at 7:52 AM
I’ve recently stumbled across this post as I was aware that my boyfriend had looked at it also (my means of finding out were unfair and secretive but I knew there was an issue). I love my boyfriend a lot and I think we have a great connection. However, I now know he is not satisfied and also know he is considering looking for casual sex elsewhere from dating websites (POF, Tinder etc) even looking up how to get/ have casual sex. From the females this perspective this is heartbreaking. Couples should speak to each other and explain the situation. A women should never find out the way I have done and then have to be the one to try and find a way of bringing it up. Cheating is devastating and problems should be talked through before it gets to that stage. I hope that anyone reading this will go away and talk to their partner about what they are feeling. To try and keep up the act, engaging in regular sex, telling her she’s beautiful and great at sex when you actually ‘dread’ having sex with her is evil. Problems don’t go away by themselves. They need to be discussed however painful that can be.

I am broken and having to hide it until i find a way to make things easier.

Please open up about this issue.

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Need Concrete Advice
January 1st, 2018 at 2:33 PM
Annoymous,
I’m so sorry to hear your story. I’m afraid because I have felt myself start to rationalize sexual affiars in my head. I love my wife but don’t know how to talk to her about this. Your on the other side, how should men talk about this? My wife is amazing, we have a kid, but I also feel she let herself go for a while – she’s started working out a little but still has pretty bad eating habits. She is very sensitive and every time I try to bring anything up I end up hurting her. I don’t know how to navigate her insecurities about her body well enough to express the things I want/like. Help.

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Just Done
December 9th, 2016 at 12:40 PM
I am in my 40’s and will be ‘celebrating’ my 25th anniversary in a week. After a 6month courtship I married what I thought was my Prince Charming but the first time we had sex (Christian beliefs) was after we married. I immediately knew there wasn’t a satisfying sexual connection for me nor for the rest of the honeymoon. His drive is through the roof so any affection no matter how casual makes him want it but his skills are very lacking. But when you are young and your hormones drive everything you tend to keep trying or faking it to avoid an argument or his disappointment. But as a woman ages and that drive slows you find other activities that bring you just as much enjoyment (for me exercising, running, grown children traveling, learning a new skill etc).
I will interject here that my husband is very successful and a go getter so he tends to try to lead in every thing in life and doesn’t like NOT getting his way. He can even have a demanding side (temper) and say some pretty mean things if so. This attitude spilled over into every aspect of his life including our marriage and sex life. Doing everything his way made life run smoother for our family but you tend to lose your self eventuallly and just don’t care. I gave up trying to coax my way long ago and along with it my sexual satisfaction. And now that I am older and my hormones have dropped I don’t even think about sex literally. Not bragging, just giving facts, but I am within 10lbs of the same weight at our marriage. I am a kind, educated woman who exercises, dress nicely(not provocative) and have definitely been hit on by young 30 yr olds. Have been unnerving referred to as a MILF on more than one occasion. My trainer/friend laughs because most of the time I’m oblivious to the flirting- that is how numb I am.
If my husband dropped dead tomorrow I would miss him. We have been together a long time and he has mellowed. I just don’t find him attractive. I let go of a lot of my self to keep our marriage good and somewhat regret it. He is a good person to others but I would NOT remarry or care if I ever had sex. There is a lot more to life than sex.
To the men who have middle-aged wives remember for women sex starts OUTSIDE the bedroom. And not everything is about sex. Enjoy a date for a date, a hug for a hug and a kiss for a kiss. Just because you are married and can have sex there is nothing that states you have to.
Of all younger people for whatever reason please don’t stay if you are unhappy. You will one day sadly wake up in your 40 like me and realize your life has been only half lived. Live it however you want but make it 100% happy in all areas.

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Need Concrete Advice
January 1st, 2018 at 2:28 PM
Just Done,
You seem like someone who can give me some concrete advice on how to talk to my wife, b/c communication is key. She’s amazing, we have a kid, but I also feel she let herself go for a while – she’s started working out a little but still has pretty bad eating habits. She is very sensitive and comes from a higher class more proper upbringing where actual feelings aren’t really talked about – more implied (WASPY). Every time I try to bring anything up I end up hurting her; She is very sensitive, I don’t know her language well enough. I felt if she just did a few small things it would help a lot, curb junk food and intimate grooming. I don’t know how to navigate her insecurities about her body well enough to express the things I want/like. I stay in shape and do my best to smell and look nice for her, I’m very critical on myself and am afraid it sometimes runs over to her. I have tried asking her input on my body/grooming, because maybe that would spark her to ask me the same question, but it hasn’t worked. I don’t look at porn but I often masturbate to thoughts of former lovers – a guy in an earlier post said to stop masturbating so I’ll give that a shot. But I’m looking for concrete measures to communicate and help me fall more completely in love with my wife. Couples therapy would be great but that costs money and time (things we don’t really have in ample supply). Also it might be another tough topic to bring up. So if you or anyone else has advice I’m all ears.

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just done
March 8th, 2017 at 3:02 AM
My wife long time sex

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Average Husband
March 10th, 2017 at 3:34 AM
Well, I gotta say I’m also having some sex issues with my wife. She’s a kind, loving woman and we’ve been together for 12 years (dating and married) but I’m just not attracted to her anymore. I’ve tried that “fake it till you make it” stuff, but it just didn’t work. She’s 34, has a pretty face but has gained several (lots of!) pounds over the past 4 years, and I’m just totally turned off by that, which is something she’s always known. She’s just too lazy and unmotivated to become a little bit more fit, although I’ve always been an active guy who exercises and eats healthy food and I’ve invited her to join me a few hundred times, but she just won’t. When I look into the future I can only see her even less attractive than she is now, and me more and more unattracted by her. She has a high drive and loves sex, which is something I can say I’m really good at (not bragging here, just repeating her own words!), but for the past years I’ve only had sex with her to satisfy her, since I haven’t wanted it, and usually doesn’t even orgasm from it. I’m a man and I do enjoy sex but I’m not a p***y slave as most are so I can easily go without sex for quite some time (4 weeks without any urge), since I’ve learned that you can, and should, try to find pleasure in all the small things that life has to offer, not just sex. I understand that sex is a LOT more than just looks, but I also believe there’s gotta be at least some physical attraction, since it is basically a physical thing. Things have become harder and harder and she’s threatened to leave me several times, but she says she loves me for my good qualities, including the fact that I always make an effort to look sexy for her, which is funny since she won’t do the same for me. I know a lot of people here will disagree, but I truly believe you have the OBLIGATION to do your best to look attractive for your partner, since he/she is the only person they can have sex with. It’s quite simple: when you’re in a monogamic relationship you’re kind of “locked” in a restaurant; so, whenever you want to eat something, the only person who can provide you is the cook from that restaurant. The cook SHOULD do their best to provide you the food you want, not necessarily any exotic and weird food, but at least the basics, the best way possible. Now, imagine the cook simply won’t make any effort to prepare the food you want, the way you want, and only offers you terrible food. You don’t have many options: you either eat that food without any pleasure, or you go and prepare your own food, since you’re locked in that restaurant. Of course, some people choose to “order some food” over the phone to get the food they want, but most people don’t think that’s a good thing to do with the cook.
In the end, it’s simply a matter of needs: you have yours and your partner has theirs; neither of you right or wrong for your needs (whatever they are), but both have the resposibility (not obligation) to meet each other needs, or else find someone with needs that you are willing to meet, and who is willing to meet yours.

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Any Average Guy
March 10th, 2017 at 9:13 AM
Hey buddy, looks like we’re on the same boat! I totally second the part about the needs: when two pepole decided to be with only each other they should understand each other’s needs and be willing to meet them. Period. Because when a need is not met it creates a gap, and people tend to fill that gap with bad things only, like resentment. Of course, we’re not supposed to EVERYTHING the other wants, since it may go against our own principles and boundaries and stuff, but we should at least discuss those needs and find some middle ground, so that everyone is happy, instead of simply disagreeing.

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Gavin
March 23rd, 2017 at 12:46 AM
Hey Guys and Girls, I know this is a always a hard and difficult question but here it goes. I am in a similar boat to the person this topic is based around, AKA Missing something. The key difference is that i’m not married, i’m in a long term relationship with this person and i’m reaching the time in my life where i need to consider settling down. The girl i’m with is pretty much perfect in every single way except that i’m not attracted to her, this is the first time i’ve ever experienced this. I met her as when i was extremely down and out over my ex so wasn’t really looking for anything other than support, i was very communicative of this upfront, however over two years have passed and she has stuck with me through thick and thin which shows a massive degree of loyalty. We have tons of common interests, and as stipulated she is great. The question is should I marry this girl knowing that this is a problem? Thanks so much guys

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Average Husband
March 31st, 2017 at 9:13 AM
Hey, Gavin. I may not be the best guy here to give you any advice, but let me tell you something from my experience: I didn’t marry a woman I was totally attracted to, cause I thought it wasn’t that important. Well, I was right: it wasn’t important THEN, but later some things happened (you can read in my post) and now I have ZERO attraction for my wife (physically and mentally).
You say you have “tons of common interests”, which is just great! I wish my wife and I shared any interests (actually I wish she had ANY interests at all), cause I believe that it could help us bond. Anyway, it’s hard to be accurate here since you didn’t provide much (if she’s okay with your lack of attraction, if she is happy with your relationship and sex life, the reasons you’re not attracted to her…), but if after over 2 years your attraction hasn’t changed, then maybe it will never do. It didn’t for me.
Of course, this could be different for you guys, but I’m sure most married people here will agree that after getting married things tend to cool down (or even freeze!) a bit, so if they are already cold, you can’t expect them to simply heat up just because you’ll be wearing rings and living together (assuming you don’t).
I now understand that marriage is a lot more than just finding a person you love; it’s hard work, so you gotta find a person who makes it worthwhile, like when you accept a job you don’t love because the pay is great, or because you’ll gain lots of experience to improve your career, or even because you know you have a chance of becoming a manager or more. The difference is that quitting can be a traumatic experience.
Well, this is what I can offer. Wish you the best!

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VIK
April 10th, 2018 at 8:37 PM
Best answer
alwin
July 10th, 2017 at 11:11 AM
Hi….

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KKaran
July 10th, 2017 at 4:12 PM
I am also going thru the same. I am very sexually active man, but i do not want to have sex with my wife. Whenever i see any attractive and shapy girl, lady or married one or even when i think of her undergarments, smell of that.. my tool start erecting to have sex with her. Most of the times i have sex with my wife thinking about other women..

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Mike
July 12th, 2017 at 10:25 AM
I hate long posts, here’s mine, hope it’s worth the read…

I’m in a similar situation. My fiancé M is actually very lovely and attractive, with beautiful skin and slender, sexy figure. She’s smart, but not too smart and has a couple of businesses. However, she goes out of her way to cover herself up and stop herself from looking attractive. We live in a city which is known for prostitution and whenever I suggest she wears sexy clothing she accuses me of wanting her to look like a prostitute. E.g. if I suggest showing her shoulders or wearing shorts, she will look at me like I’m a depraved lecher. Also she is known to be hard for other straight men to talk to. She wears full body, baggy, drab outfits and makes sure to cover as much skin as possible otherwise she feels ashamed that she is a slut. She always asks me which of the drab outfits are sexy, I say ‘well, this grey one looks smart’ . She’ll say she thinks it’s sexy. It’s extra weird because she has a fashion brand for 20 year old girls and has worked in lingerie marketing before. She should know what sexy is. She hires sexy models all the time and has model looks but totally doesn’t use them.

She can only work with other women or gay guys. I know this sounds maybe like the perfect woman, hot at home, but totally loyal, but the problem is it doesn’t stop at home. She’s very affectionate and loving and wants to kiss and hug, and touch me anywhere but the genitals but would never initiate sex, and seems to have almost no interest in sex. And anything remotely kinky is a complete no-no. No cunnilingus and no fellatio. Even touching is so difficult for her to accept that I gave up on it. She cries in pain if I try. She even asked me once if, if we got married, I would be ok to have sex twice a year only, I was shocked but then she said she was just joking. When we do have sex I feel weird, because she behaves like a 12 year old, with a cutesy baby voice. She never gets excited and never gets wet. Really, I want a grown up woman who knows how to have sex properly. I communicate these things all the time, in nice ways.

She says she dreams about having sex with me, but when we have sex, I feel like she’s trying to push me off, and afterwards, sometimes she cries uncontrollably, but she says that she could never leave me because it’s the best sex she ever had. I am plus-sized but she only had two guys before me.

I would take her on romantic getaways, and lovely dinners, then take her to nice hotels, hoping it would turn her on, but never expecting. I don’t fawn over her, I’m a man about it. She really loved all that and would just fall asleep in the hotel bed and no sex. One time I took her all the way to Japan for a trip, and we stayed in a love hotel. She took it the wrong way, and thought I was trying to make her be like a prostitute again.

It’s really awful for me because for me, I can only really enjoy sex if I see that I am giving pleasure to the girl. I guess I need that validation, that I am sexy myself, (which I am, many girls hit on me, which makes it more frustrating).

So, I ended up having a series of affairs, which usually end in trouble, especially when I fell deeply in love with one girl I’ll call E who was also in a problem marriage (separated from a violent husband). It was an amazing romance and the sex was out of this world. E was totally my type and we had so much in common it was uncanny. I felt so guilty about it though. E knew about M. I was almost going to leave and go to E, but luckily for me, one day E’s kid was playing with her phone, I saw her type in her mum’s passcode, and noticed a couple messages from 2 guys. So later I looked through her phone and found E was with at lots of guys off internet hookup sites. Basically one or two guys for every country in Europe, plus one in Australia. Now I understood all the odd work holidays, and why she was so good at sex and seduction, and why the divorce. Well, that’s when I realised love is complete bull, and gets us into trouble, because I’m pretty sure E did also love me but she couldn’t help herself with all the guys. And I loved her and still do. In fact I asked E to marry me, and I meant it, but she said it wouldn’t work out cos of the cheating, and I had M. Probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, so sweet of her not to say yes. So I decided I should cut love out of my life, and tried to forgot about E, and no more affairs. I was so hurt and so was E, but we totally deserved the pain. Cutting myself helped to transfer the emotional pain into physical pain, much more bearable because I’m a big strong guy, and I felt relieved that I could some kind of punishment from myself, and it made the suicidal thoughts go away. E put M in a new light too. Good boring girl versus exciting disaster girl. Both attractive.

I realised that love blinds us to reality and numbs us from pain. It enables us to have kids with people we are incompatible with, by making us overlook serious faults. That’s why love evolved. In my mind, love is like a narcotic drug. It feels good but actually wrecks lives by making us make bad decisions. I think human overpopulation and the decimation of the environment can be blamed on love as a mechanism of enhancing reproduction. You can never convince someone who has fallen in love that it is a bad thing, in the same way as you cannot convince a heroin addict that the pleasure they feel is actually harming them.

So then, ironically perhaps, or maybe just because I’m a jerk, or pathetic, I turned to the prostitutes, because I could keep those encounters under control. And all the time I kept up the pretence of the loyal boyfriend, now fiancé. My innate drive to reproduce placated, I felt that this was doable. Just sex with them, no lies, no love, no bull. Those girls are actually real people and they can sometimes even have useful advice, believe it or not. They’ve seen all sorts of issues. Just don’t fall in love with one. Of course it got meaningless. Until one day I met a pro who strongly reminded me of E. She was amazing too. I felt I was falling for her. Ended it before it got too far, thanks to learning my lesson with E.

Well, sometimes M and I went for months without sex, because I had given up trying basically. In the end I kind of accepted that this is what married life is like anyway, because that’s what I read everywhere, everyone seems to have no sex after marriage. So what the hell. So I told myself sex and love are optional, and the only thing that is important is trust, so I proposed to M. I felt I had no choice anyway. My parents really like her. Of course she was elated. I was totally depressed afterwards, but got used to the idea. She (M) changed. She said she wanted to be the perfect wife for me, and started going to the gym specifically to get her bum firm for me. She wants to take up cooking classes. It’s so sweet of her. Now she wants sex, but only so that she can have a baby. I gave up the prostitutes and affairs and resigned myself to a sexless marriage with kids. So I guess nature wins in the end. I’ll reproduce and be unhappy like everyone else, with my boring but wonderfully devoted, beautiful anti-slut wife. And no love to mess things up, no fun, but trust. For that, I’ll give her everything she wants, and fake all the affection she needs. I’ll distract myself with some pointless hobbies like making money in an office. Happiness is not important. There are too many people, not everyone can be happy.

It makes sense now. I guess I’m cured. Thanks for reading. I hope this helps you dude.

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OldGuy
August 4th, 2017 at 1:34 PM
I don’t really love my wife, and we have been sexless for decades. When we first got married marriage was OK! I thought marriage was boring and I didn’t really like sex with her or any one else. So to stay away from her and the house I purposely worked midnight’s for 40 years. And I worked as many day’s including holiday’s and vacation day’s I could, I just didn’t want to be home, I eat and sleep in the basement, quiet and cool. When our paths meet and I stll tell her I love but really don’t. That way I don’t get in an yelling match! And that’s a waste of my time. I’m 70 now and certainly don’t want to ruin the rest of my life.

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J
August 28th, 2017 at 8:00 PM
Lucky Guy Work with that >Thaqnk God for That one>>

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J
August 28th, 2017 at 8:01 PM
Ck

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Leon
September 13th, 2017 at 12:11 AM
I have a similar problem, and in my case I know exactly what is wrong but don’t know how to fix it… it’s the smell of her and it’s always been the smell with other women before her, however I have just found this out recently, after being married for 8 years. It’s always been the smell that has eithr attracted or repulsed me, and this is the smell that you can’t cover up. And the smell is very very subtle and one that you rather feel in your brain rather than smell it with your nose. In my past I have sometimes been attracted to not so good looking women over great looking women and at that time I had no clue why.

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Enrique
October 3rd, 2017 at 11:52 AM
I have the same problem as a lot of the guys here, but I dont think its too complicated when I really think about it. I really love the shit out of my wife and could not imagine my life without her..I’d be miserable. The truth is i dont feel that sexually attracted to her anymore because its the same thing and its in my DNA to always chase. I constantly find myself insanely attracted to other women who posses physical qualities that my wife doesnt have like, breasts. I am eager to try something new again but just physically. Emotionally I am 100% committed and have no interest in starting a new relationship with anyone…Its 100% a physical need that claws at me every day. Any thought into how to get passed this one…My married guy friends just tell me “told you this would happen and it only gets worse” Great!

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G
November 10th, 2017 at 1:47 PM
Wow, Enrique. Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel less alone that someone is in the EXACT same position as me. I’d love to hear how you dealt with this. I’m about to end a marriage with the most beautiful, amazing woman I have ever met (by far), because I came to the conclusion (after 2 years of AGONIZING over it), that having a “100% a physical need that claws at me every day” is not sustainable indefinitely. Please tell us how your story ended.

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 9:43 PM
Hey G, how has everything panned out over the last year?
Mike
January 31st, 2018 at 12:32 PM
My issue – Me when we met and married 26 6’3″ 225 very fit – her when we met 24 5’4″ 125 very fit _ I sitll workout 6 days a week an hour a day – hike on weekends 6-10 miles
30 years later me 48 6’3″ 225 very fit and truthfully better than i was at 26 her 5’4″ 210 – she would rather eat sweets and play solitaire – I cook health food I invite her to workout with me – to go on hikes with me NEVER does she say yes

Now – I love her – she is my best friend – i am in love with her – BUT ZERO desire sexually – how do I marry my heart with my body —- I am attracted to fitness types — its everything I can do to put myself in a place where I can “get in the mood” I know most of you will go the route of “sounds like she need counseling or has self confidence issue” but we are talking about the raw physical nature of 50,000 years of physical evolution – not the brain but the body. Mentally I am there – Physically NOTHING

HELP

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David
June 17th, 2018 at 9:37 PM
Hi Mike, did you end up resolving your issues?

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Mike
June 18th, 2018 at 10:24 AM
No – I try to encourage her – cook for her she doesn’t like healthy foods – tell her to walk with me – come to the gym with me – NOTHING – she told me her weight makes it hard to her to feel lik ehs w wants to make love —– I said so you would rather eat poorly and not move and avoid making love than to eat health and make love?

Crickets
stephanie
March 16th, 2018 at 5:33 AM
your best bet is to just leave your wife I think everyone comments on here are pointless , just leave her why be with a person your not sexually attracted to ive been having the same issues in my relationship , I think it best to be honest and not cling on to her cause you think she just a good women and its not fair to her at all.. let her go easy and just end it and find a women you can have sex with and love …a relationship is built around intamacy,love and compassion

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Havan
June 22nd, 2018 at 3:58 AM
Hi everyone,
I’ve read a lot of the comments and motivated me to share my similar experience, in hopes that someone could share some wisdom .

I’ve been Married for 3.5 years, to a Slavic woman, whom I’ve known for 5 years in total.
I married young at 22, before that I never really had a relationship. ( not real relations just casual dating and sex )
When I first met her, she was very attractive to me. She’s not the pornographic definition of attractive, ( big t*** and a** or a freak etc..) but she is petite and good looking pretty face. And I used to be on fire for her regardless, and she was my type, but during the course of our relationship, she changed, she stopped taking care of her self, she grow a small belly (not big but just looks bad on her skinny body) , she doesn’t fix her hair any more she just ties it up in a f****** ball which is such a turn off and even makes her face look bad ( and i told her million times I hate it but she keeps saying I want to be comfortable at home), nor her eyebrows are fixed , she likes to be “natural” which I supported at first, but too much” Natural” is also not nice. she has a horrible fashion taste, and a lot of times her breath is bad ! and when I try to tell her she cries and I become the bully pig. I am not !! I take care of my self, since I was a young man, I used to be a model ( still do modeling every now and then for some cash ) , I have thick Eyebrows, nice cheekbones, tall, tanned body, I take care of my self, and I try to show her how much I take care of my self and every-time I ask her to take care of herself she cries says I don’t love her. ( what does love have to do with this ?!!?? )
more over, the first year or 2 she always was in for sex, we had so much sex twice or 3 times a day… now its always me asking for sex, and she is always not in the mood, too tired, stressed ( all the excuses ) . and after 2 years of just these rejections for sex, and not taking care of her self, I just lost that attraction to her… like really, right now, she (entirely) is my turn off, to make matters worst we moved to her country, and apparently my looks ( dark skin and hair ) is like the treat for Slavic girls, and almost everyday girls smiling at me giving me eyes, (some more obvious than others) and she noticed that and is giving me s*** about it. and says I am looking back at them … Well DUH someone stares at you you can’t help but look at them !!
I feel so Angry and frustrated, and trapped more than anything . and I know now its too late even if she tried to change her self, I just dont like her anymore. I thought about divorce surely it crossed my mind, but .. its just too cruel, I love her you have to understand, I really love her, and I vowed to honor her and protect her, and what kind of a man would I be if I don’t honor my word ?! but does that justify that I should remain unhappy sexually ?!
I cheated on her once , only once, and I had anxiety attacks, depression , I felt like scum, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, until I broke down and told her the truth, and we moved on because she so I felt really bad and will never happen again, and I told her why I did it, to which she said she will try her best to change… ( for like 3 month then back to normal )
SO this is my situation
Cheating is not an option
Divorce ? could be .. but I am logical practical man, we have a mortgage together, we are building a future together, she is a great person honest, faithful to me, loves me a lot.
Do I think I deserved better ? yes..
Another question on my mind is : won’t it be the same if I did go on with divorce and married another woman ?
maybe its the routine ? I dunnu…..

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Mrgixxer1000
July 4th, 2018 at 2:32 AM
My wife and I been together for 11 years now. She is white and I am black. She was 165 pounds when we met 10 yrs later she is pushing close to 400 pounds. I love her but don’t like having sex with her I have never cheated on her not even once. I look at her and say she is equal to 4 100 pound women 3 133 pound women 2 200 pound women. She sat on the edge of the bed and it broke. She claim she on a diet but I find mcd. Food wrappers in her car all the time. I don’t know what to do here.

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MIke
July 5th, 2018 at 7:25 AM
I feel you brother – truth is she is breaking vows – she is not honoring or cherishing you – it IS her responsibility to keep herself fit and healthy to honor your marriage and you….. My wife is th same twicer her weight when I married her and refuses to care of herself physical and then get angry when I notice other attractive woman that used to look like her — YES I love her BUT evolution plays a role as well

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steve
July 25th, 2018 at 4:59 AM
Have any of you had luck or tried marital counseling. I’m in the same situation as all of you. I have kept my self fit but she’s let herself go. I have found myself beginning to rationalize having an affair, thinking that she isn’t keeping her end of the deal s its ok (she made me do it) and that maybe if I was able to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere I would feel so guilty that I’d be able to be a better husband ad more affectionate to her without cringing. Or being afraid that being physical and hugging or touching her will lead to sex. I know it’s all irrational thoughts but I’m afraid. Also, I have been thinking that if I just hang in for another 20 years my sex drive will die enough and it will no longer matter. All of this I know is not healthy – but its where I’m at. Also I don’t know how to talk to her about any of this, because she has hang-ups about her weight and food.

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Nooor
August 17th, 2018 at 9:30 PM
Hello,
Can any one help me to get off from the problem I have ,
I m 10 year marriage and was happy with my wife , recently I got a girl friend and I start sleeping with her more then month I had good sex with her more comfortable and enjoyable then my wife.
After a month I went back to my wife she start making sex with me but I don’t have feelings for her even my body part is not ready to do sex with her , I tried with her several time but still same problem
I m 37 year old she is 31 and my girl friend was 25.
I m very confused about my sex drive bcz I try hard to get my feeling with my wife but dosent work proper .
My girl friend is very Farr from me so I can not try even sleep with her.
Any one can help me with any advice or comment .
Thanks

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john
September 19th, 2018 at 12:32 PM
Married over 50 years and really never desired my wife as a sex partner, may as a friend only. We did have sex a couple of times when first married, but i wouldn’t say it was worth and effert. So since I really never had any reason for a close relationship it was more off hands friendship. She did what ever she does and I do mine! She was never happy living this way but that’s life, she can leave when ever she wants the only thing stopping her is the door. I figure she happy after 50 years and she’s accepted the situation. I know she hates me but that’s life, and there is no way I’m going to change it. That sounds like to much work.

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Damien B.
September 26th, 2018 at 3:21 AM
This may sound simplistic, but I have found, if I act like I love someone, the feelings follow, if I act like I am attracted to someone the feelings follow. I have been married 40 years. I have always been faithful to my wife. Time has left its mark on my wife and on me as well. I do not find my wife sexually attractive, but I love her with all my heart. When I make love to her, my focus is on giving her pleasure, the more pleasure I perceive her having, the more pleasure I feel. When sex is less about me and more about her, I find myself having the most pleasure. In the end it is not what you “feel” that counts, its what “you believe” and what “you do” that matters, feelings follow function. Act like your wife is the most sexually attractive woman in the world, focus on her pleasure and her reactions to your love making and eventually you will find that you have become sexually attracted to her.

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Mike
September 26th, 2018 at 7:07 AM
Together 30 years – me 6’3″ 230 fit – like I was when we got married – she 5’5″ 210 – 100 pound heavier than we got married – she stopped
we used to hike – play tennis – gym etc…. not NOTHING no trying trying period….. I come in second place to her mom, her friends, her city, her job, everything —— at wits ends

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Mrgixxer1000
January 28th, 2019 at 5:28 PM
Well i can say i am still here and my wife is still extremely overweight to the fact of 371 pounds. I am sorry i just can’t get turned on. I am 6ft 2in and 225 pounds black guy my wife is white. We have been together for 11 yrs married for 10 yrs. We 1st got together she was 155 pounds. I see other women who are 120 to 140 pounds and i think about it and my d*** starts pitching a tent. What the heck is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do here.
Another thing is i have 2 daughters one is 21 and the other is 23 both moved out about a yr ago into their own Apartment. They are doing well and i taught them to save money they are good at saving money. my wife son and my Step son still lives at home not paying rent he will be 26 this year he works some but he gets hi drinking and smoking weed . she caters to him if he get upset at her he calls a fat cow, she still bends over backwards for him. If his mom dies he would be out of luck. Sorry i can’t take care of a grown man can’t do it and i won’t do it. How do i tell her if he is there by the time he reachs 27 he got find his own place if he doesn’t i will leave and leave them to their fate.
Am i wrong here? Help

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Mike
January 29th, 2019 at 7:46 AM
there is nothing wrong with you – society has somehow managed to convince woman its ok to be unhealthy to accept there bodies as is —- RIDICULOUS – 10-20 pounds here or there — yeah no issues – 100 – yeah they got issues – men and woman – when you are that overweight you are NOT honroing yoru spouse – NOT respecting them and NOT forsaking all others —- you are putting food and you selfish thoughts ahead of your spouse when you gain that much weight – of course you are going to look at beautiful woman – its an evolutionary trait – we are designed to look – it like asking a bird not to fly – we are visual creatures

conclusion – if your wife is not sick and gained weight as a result THEN your wife is wrong you are right – look all you want – don’t touch — if you wanna touch separate after telling her why you are separating – at least give her a chance to correct her actions

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Mrgixxer1000
January 29th, 2019 at 2:13 PM
Hey Mike thanks brother for the kind works. Well i tryied to intimate with her several nights back i just couldn’t do it and due to the fact she is so overweight her personal hygiene is not the best. She would work 8 hrs a day then cone home go to bed and and when i come to bed she wants to play. I point blank tell her you need to go shower take a bath something. I will shower first nice and clean she doesn’t get that concept.

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Danie
May 4th, 2019 at 12:00 AM
Tell her. I think it’s selfish to keep her. Let her decide if she’s okay being with a guy who doesn’t appreciate all of her. Just let your wives go so that they can have a chance at a relationship with a guy who will love everything about them. And you can have that kind of relationship as well.

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Nat
June 13th, 2019 at 3:00 PM
I’m an old guy like 74 and I only married her for friendship, and I don’t have sex with friends. Married 50 years and pretty much sex free. I didn’t really want sex its boring and my wife is one of the most boring people in the world. I made my mistress my work on the mid night shift working as many hours as the company will let me. I made sure I was at work most times 7 days a week, that way I wasn’t home. I’m not sure what she did and I really didn’t care as long it had nothing to do with me. What amazed me she never left me, but that was her choice!

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Mine
June 29th, 2019 at 6:48 PM
Married her at 5″5 110, now she’s 5’5″ 229……..yeah…feeling very bate and switched….. But I’m not supposed to look…. Uhgggg

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Em
July 11th, 2019 at 5:17 PM
what if he wont let you leave and refuses to allow a divorce, citing the sadness and detriment that would fall on the shoulders of our kids

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Si
September 28th, 2019 at 4:05 AM
I checked out some time ago; my girlfriend is rough around the edges, to say the least – spanish, so loud -and i mean LOUD – piled on the pounds after a comfortable period of us being together, now breaks wind, at volume, at any opportunity, in the flat we rented last year – so quite frankly i’m just not in to the physical bit any more?
As dozens of articles on the internet expound, this is by no means a dealbreaker – MILLIONS co-exist minus the sex part, and for me i started late so i can live without it to be honest, but it has most certainly become a dealbreaker for the other party.

Not really looking forward to how this will play out – the only two options that are really being left to me are leave, or suggest she goes and does her thing without me which also does not leave me feeling particularly interested in the concept of being in a relationship with a woman who is boning some other fruitcake.

Not sure what the correct answer here is. the love i (thought i) share with her is (or was?) strong but maybe this is not the case. i’m not starting this shite all over again so if it’s an end to the relationship then that is an end to relationships, full stop. Depressing, really, and there is no other way to classify it.

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Stanley
October 27th, 2019 at 4:51 PM
My wife and I have been married for 11 years now. we have been together for approximately 12 years. I am African-American and she is Caucasian American. As I stated in my previous message I really do love my wife however I am not in love with my wife. When my wife and I first got together my wife weight 185 lb as it stands today after 11 years my wife tips the scales at approximately 385 lb which is a huge turn off no pun intended. One of my pet peeves is she claims to have the need to lose weight and wants to get the bariatric surgery however when I give it to her car I find all kinds of McDonald’s wrappers soft drink cups from various fast food vendors. she states she wants to have the bariatric surgery as soon as possible but needs to lose approximately 25 lb before she does. She claims she needs my support over the years I have tried to support her yet when I call her out on her eating habits she always bite my head off therefore I have given up. In addition her personal hygiene is not the best because of her weight and she is not able to clean in the areas where it needed the most. Therefore I went to the Walmart and got a flexible hose that attaches to the shower so she can clean and all the nooks and crannies. That’s on top of going two to three days before she showers totally disgusted. On another note add to the fact since we have been together so long she no longer closes the bathroom door when she uses the restroom and I called her out on this all the time. as I stated I really do love her and wish I could help her in some way but with the fear of me trying to help her she will not receive my help on another note I’m not the same size either however I am approximately 6 foot 3 248 lb I could stand to lose about 30 lb myself. But I do not become tired if I walk from the kitchen to the living room my wife appears to be out of breath with that short distance. Need help don’t know what to do in this instance.

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Anwar
November 8th, 2019 at 2:37 AM
Same with me. The reality here is that men get bored over time, and want to experience other women. That is absolutely natural, and that is why almost all men keep using porn all the time. It is so complicated! Anyway, it is hard to keep with that situation, and even more hard to divorce.

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CS
February 8th, 2020 at 5:30 PM
I am desperate for advice. My bf and I have only been together 10 months but love eachother so much. He was single for many years prior and masturbating to porn daily as well as getting hot and bothered with women on tv etc. He has never been very interested in sex with me. I asked him to stop watching porn to improve our sex life, he promised he would. Then I found out he lied about it and was doing it. He claims he doesn’t do it anymore, that was late September and it is now February. Nothing has changed physically and I scan his internet usage and can’t see him watching porn but that doesn’t mean much when I know he can hide it better now or just watch things incognito. He now says its because I always ask for it, so I am causing stress in the relationship which causes him to not be able to. He checks out hot young women when we are out and denies it 100% saying how can I even tell, that I am looking for him to do this. Regardless, this is the only issue we really have and I don’t know what to do about it. He is 41, I am 44 and he claims he had a crush on me 2 years before we started dating but I was thinner at that time. The women he checks out and masturbates to online are all way younger and hotter than me, but he claims he is attracted to me. Yet I am begging for sex leading to arguements which he then uses to say makes him not want to have sex. Does anyone here have any idea what is going on because this is craziness to me. I love him and don’t want to lose him and am so attracted to him, it kills me.

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CS
February 8th, 2020 at 5:33 PM
I want to add he is very affectionate, just disinterested in sex or loses his erection during, but has no issue with erection during masturbation.

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Chris
June 21st, 2020 at 4:38 PM
This is a pretty old thread but after reading the OP’s story, I wanted to make a comment. I am in the exact same situation and its been hard for both me and my wife, especially since she has an insane sex drive. I love my wife and know the reasons I fell in love with her. She’s smart, driven, intellectual conversation with her is amazing, very family orientated, actually wants to work on our relationship when problems arise and last, she an exceptionally positive person and I love being around her. All those things still exist in our relationship and I still love her for it deeply. That said, sexually, I want nothing to do with her. I feel so bad saying it .. but its true. I have faked headaches, sickness, tired and when I eventually give in, would rather just give her an orgasm and finish up, instead of continuing on until I’m done. I feel it’s important to the OP and to myself, to identify the reasons we (OP + me) have lost interest in sex with our spouses.
I think I have pretty much figured things out on my end. This may offend some people in today’s liberal society, but if we can’t talk openly and honestly, there’s no point talking. This may also bring up insecurities in people who read this and cause them to lash out. Its ok, I understand. Calling a spade … a spade .. can really offend some people today. But the fact of the matter is.. she’s gotten complacent in our relationship and put on a ton of weight. The bits and pieces of her body I used to love to touch, kiss, feel against my skin and see in a cute pair of panties, I’m no longer interested in. I dread going on vacations because I don’t want to see her body in a swimsuit. I have tried to encourage her to get some physical activity into her daily routine. She refuses and makes excuses, one being that diet alone will fix the issue. Diet may help some.. but it seems portion size and working out are forgotten or ignored. I have tried to bring up the issue a few times as gentle as I can .. all leading to massive fights and me being a jerk, so I just stopped trying. A lot of people might be reading this thinking … why not just break up then? The answer may be a little complex.
Think about it, is the person you’re with, truly tick off all your boxes? Like truly? Anyone I know and talked about in their relationship, has had at least one box unticked. In fact, any long-term relationship I have been in, I can think of something that was missed.
The first of 10 years had a nice body and was fun in bed. We humped like rabbits. Public washroom? We were there. Driving somewhere and feeling horny? Pull off down a side road and get it done. Made an internet professional produced porn video? Yep.. did that too. Funny enough, she never invested a dime in lingerie. It was the cleavage dresses or the skirts I would imagine hiking up and the dirty thoughts I wanted to do to her, that always got me in the mood. She was driven. Excelled in career. So what went wrong? She was a complete twat. Rude and mean to everyone around her. One day we were at a restaurant and she was especially mean to a trainee waitress and it was right then and there I knew I couldn’t be with her any more.
Relationship 2. 5 years long. Super pretty!!! Her body was … ok. Nothing amazing. But we still had fun. She was funny, loved talking with her. Relationship stability was super important to her. But .. her ambitions towards anything, especially work .. were about as enthusiastic as a snail getting to the salt pile. After getting her university degree but choosing to work as a cashier at a drug store, it was time to move on. 4 Years later, last I heard she quit her job at the store and hasn’t found a job since.
Then we move on to my wife of 3 years and everything listed at the start. Have I just settled in life? Maybe … but honestly … who hasn’t? Again .. with the check of boxes. Maybe all the other things in your relationship are enough to forget or mitigate the ones that aren’t being fulfilled. At least until you decide otherwise.

So where does that leave my relationship? Shes already decided serious weight loss isn’t going to happen so, few options left. We continue a sexless relationship with each other where my hand and her vibrator see more action then our genitals do, but still fill the needs of all other boxes in our relationship. Option 2: We have an open relationship. I have encouraged her to get on Tinder to look for a sexual partner. Someone who can fulfill her sexual needs. This idea actually doesn’t bother me. Again, it’s not because I don’t love her.. actually, quite the opposite. I’m willing to let her go do that because I love her that much. If she does decide on this option, I would rather know about it. Also know its happing somewhere where she can be safe and protection is available so she doesn’t bring something (STI) home. When the urge come up for me, which is a lot less because we have already established, I have a much lower sex drive then her, I could do the same and once we get the “SEX” out of the way, we can continue to find “LOVE” in our relations. Unfortunately, people have a hard time differentiating between the 2 (trust me, there’s a huge difference) and this option isn’t appealing for a lot of people, including my wife. Option 3: We split. I would prefer this not to happen. Again, she checks all my other boxes quite well, more so than any other relationship I’ve been in. So, I guess time will tell on what happens, because something has got to give eventually. Or … can just be happy and content with what does tick our boxes and ignore what doesn’t. Lord knows the dating game sucks and finding anyone who even ticks one of your boxes, can be tough.
Just a quick note. Im sure a response is going to be “Im just shallow and should learn to love someone how they are”. This comment is flawed. We are finding out more and more through science that people are genetically programmed … hardwired, to be visual creatures. As mush as society has told us we should love the color green, our brains will automatically default to the color we actually find appealing. We have just been shamed by society, parents, friends, social media, etc.. to feel opened enough and speak the truth.
Its important to be truthful to yourself. Its only going to drive yourself crazy thinking of the reasons something isn’t working if your not. The Its important to be truthful to yourself. Its only going to drive yourself crazy thinking of the reasons something isn’t working if you’re not. The OP needs to think about the reasons why he has lost interest in his wife. Maybe weight, maybe she’s not dirty enough in the bedroom, maybe she’s too dirty in the bedroom, maybe she just wears sweaters and hoodies and he doesn’t find that attractive? He needs to seriously stop and think about the cause, then think if there’s a way to remedy the issue, actually communicate with his wife.. and if not .. is he’s willing to see past the issue, or decide if it’s too much of one and move on?

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Chris
June 21st, 2020 at 5:01 PM
Sex is very much a mind game as well as a visual one. If your scanning his porn .. ( which is wrong by the way ) then look at what types of porn hes watching. Look for a pattern. Maybe its something hes looking for from sex and isn’t getting it from you. New partners have to train each other about what they like in bed. Some of it you might like.. some of it you might not. Some you might be willing to do .. some .. you might not. Its all about being sexually compatible with each other. As for checking out other women … its going to happen, whether your around or not. Women do it too but are better at hiding it. Science has proven women are good using peripheral vision where men suck and need direct. Instead of getting angry .. maybe look at whats catching his eye. Blonde? Cleavage? Legs? Brunet? If you want to make it work with this guy .. adapt. If you think adapting is too much work, your good enough the way you are ? Then time to move on from this relationship. My wife has put on some serious weight. Women who are in shape, attract my eyes, especially a nice pair of well taken care of legs.. She can come to the gym with me and workout, getting her legs in shape and ill stare at hers .. or .. ill look elsewhere when it pops up. I’m not muscle over muscle ripply guy and im sure when the guy comes along that is .. my wife looks. Its human nature. But im secure enough in myself … that it doesn’t bother me.

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CS
June 28th, 2020 at 8:27 AM
Chris, I understand what you’re saying. But he has claimed the whole time that he is very attracted to me, but just has a low sex drive. We have been together a year now since April and even in the very beginning he rarely wanted sex, but he was masturbating to porn regularly. I had asked him to stop to improve our sex life, realizing this was sapping his desire for me as well as I thought he had been programmed from that to only want women like that. He promised and I found out after a few months he was still doing it. After he saw how hurt I was he said he has promised himself to never do it again. Still, our sex life is not good. Just yesterday I bathed, got dolled up and put on lingerie and sexy music. He was not interested. It seems the only way he happens is if we cuddle first. He has me lay with him for a while and I think thats his way of warming up to get interested. But still he swears over and over its not me, that I am attractive. I can’t compete with porn because he watched all types of women, but mostly young and very big breasts. I even said I would get fake ones and he said he would break up with me if I did. But he lies saying he has a low sex drive when I know he had to masturbate every day to a “visual aid” as he called it, and still wanted to when he promised he wouldn’t. Turning me down in favor of that, he claims he didn’t but he did. He said he chose both. But now it’s his “sex drive”. We never had a honeymoon period with sex, I had to share that with porn. I told him he should be honest with me if its because I’m not good enough and not to worry about hurting me because the contstant rejection is killing me anyways. He still says thats not it. I’m at a loss. By the way I still turn heads and look good for my age, just nothing like a celebrity or a porn star.

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Bob
August 3rd, 2020 at 3:47 AM
Have you looked into ways of lowering or eliminating your sex drive? I’m in a similar position with my wife. She has ZERO desire (quite ironic given she couldn’t keep her hands off me when we were engaged). Im figuring the only way to save our marriage is to EQUALISE our sex drives nd the easiest way to do that is to eliminate mine.

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Bob
August 3rd, 2020 at 3:52 AM
Pretty crazy when you think about it. She had one job. I mean, us men are soooo easy to please. Everything else in marriage can be outsourced, but the one thing that can’t be outsourced… she “doesn’t feel like it” (as if I ever feel like taking out the garbage or doing her tax?). Crazy stuff.

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John
November 1st, 2020 at 2:10 PM
Good for you, sex isn’t required! I’ve been married 53 years and hadn’t had sex in 40 years! And I wouldn’t give her the satsfaction of a divorce.

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Callie
November 6th, 2020 at 4:11 AM
I’m a woman and had been involved with a man for seven years. The first two, he couldn’t keep his hands off me…I loved it. He was a little selfish but I thought with communication, we could work it out. Two years into the relationship, all intimacy stops! No hugs, kisses, no sleeping naked together – NOTHING. I knew he was under a lot of stress, so I didn’t pressure him…but after months and months, and months, I told him we needed to talk about it. He wouldn’t. Then when I decided to wash all the towels in the closet of the guest bathroom, I discovered a penis pump. Things fell together and I realize he was having erectile problems. I tried to talk to him about maybe he should talk to his doctor, that maybe our lack of sex was a medical issue or we could see a counselor. Well, he finally said to me, I know you have big breasts and nipples and I loved that and it turned me on, but I like really big asses and thighs and you don’t have them??!! I am the same weight and shape I was when we met – and we went from 2 or 3 times a day to NOTHING. I think the men who wrote about marrying their mothers, it’s a variation of that. When it was just sex and f-ing, we had a blast – I like sex – when he fell in love with me, then he wasn’t able to do it. I didn’t appreciate him blaming me so I ended the relationship. We remained friends once I got over him blaming me. I told him “I hope you get the ass you deserve”. I can compromise, but I want the intimacy and fun of sex.

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Chris
November 10th, 2020 at 5:51 PM
@ CS
Did you ever end up getting those boobs? How has your relationship progressed? If he said he would dump you getting fake boobs, honestly, I would have gotten them done anyways. I mean, no sex in a relationship is going to ultimately end it. Might as well test the waters and see if he actually makes good on his threat. If he does, well .. you got a rocken pair of boobs as an asset to now go look for someone else. Also, if he threatens you with breaking up because you got them, there may be some insecurities on his part for why hes making that threat.

Its been almost 5 months since my reply. I am happy to report things have started to change in my relationship. She has started taking her health seriously. She’s gotten on a diet she feels and has done well sustaining. She is also working out and I can see her body making the transformation back into the women I fell in love with. A bonus, we have also put a down payment on a breast augmentation for her. Her weight loss has caused some serious loss in that region and they could use a little work now. As a result of her efforts, our sexlife is slowly starting to get back to normal and our relationship feels a lot stronger.

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Danny
February 5th, 2021 at 4:54 PM
Performance and intimacy anxiety in men is one of the major causes of both the inability to ejaculate/orgasm and/or the inability to get or keep and erection. Often this anxiety runs in families, like depression or alcoholism. Or, it can be caused by childhood trauma or abuse. This causes what is called an Avoidant Attachment Disorder which causes intimacy anxiety in adulthood. This in turn causes the severe sexual dysfunctions. Men with this problem usually only suffer this sexual anxiety when a relationship gets serious. Often they can function with no problems when masturbating alone, having paid sex or sex with strangers. Sex within a committed relationship however causes stress, and anxiety which floods the brain with “fight or flight” neurochemicals such as adrenaline which shuts him down sexually and kills all desire. Sex/Couple’s Therapy has a terrible track record in treating these severe psychosexual disorders in men.

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Gudwin123
April 15th, 2021 at 5:17 AM
My wife was my first gf and I was her first bf, we have been together for 12 years, married 10. I found her attractive when we first met and still do, the problem is that we have not many things in common like hobbies and interests so most of our talk is small talk and family talk. We used to have sex regularly for the first 2-3 years after we met and were married, then we had a son and sex became once every couple of months. It was like that for around 5 years, but for the last couple of years we have slept in separate rooms and sex is like once every six months and when it happens she always initiates it and I never climax, I make her climax then stop a few minutes later, because I get bored, tired and would rather watch tv. I have basically went of sex and I’m not very interested in having it anymore. I do watch porn regularly and that gives me a cheap thrill when needed, but actual sex I see now as pointless, to much hassel and to much energy for a few seconds cheap thrill. I’m quite happy to keep it this way and she seems happy with that also. Maybe when our son becomes an adult we will reassess our relationship but for now we both are happy plodding along. Sex is really not that important to some people, me and my wife being one of them. BTW we are both in our 40s.

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Chris
April 20th, 2021 at 2:40 AM
@Gudwin123
You say your wife is fine with sex like once every 6 months. It’s important to remember “researchers have found that women reach their sexual peak at in their 30s and 40s, up until menopause, while men have a peak in number of orgasms in late teen years then drop off the map”
With that in mind, chances are she’s not satisfied despite what she’s telling you plus, it you sound like your pretty bored of sex with her as well. Since you’re both sleeping in separate rooms and it also sounds like you’re about ready to check out of the relationship anyways if not for the kid. (good for you for being a dad) Why not consider an open marriage, Instead of dragging this painful situation on any longer? Set some ground rules that both make you comfortable like alway use protection or never bring randoms home. That way the sex part of the relationship is covered and you 2 can still keep the path without resentment or frustrations. It’s a much better way to clear the air and open new channels that might excite both of you, instead of forcing each other into infidelity.
Trust me, finding a open condom wrapper in your partner’s jeans when doing the wash, is painful and heart breaking.

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Johnny
June 24th, 2021 at 5:46 AM
Communication with your wife is not going to help you. You cannot negotiate desire. It’s not your sex drive which is the issue, if you’re satisfying yourself with porn or other methods. If you wife is wanting sex with you, but you not with her, it could be you’re hesitant to be as sexual with her as you would be with other women because ‘she’s a good girl’ (like the author said you don’t want to feel ‘like a pig’), but realize, she wants to make you happy, and that includes knowing that she phyiscally turns you on. And you being satisified in bed, will make her happy. On the few occassionals you do have sex, does she always makes sure that you (real or not) cum? That’s because she wants to make you happy; and she wants to make you happy because she views you as a man ‘worth’ making happy. She wants to be the one giving you the one thing that she does not want any other woman giving you: sex. And IF she wants that to continue to be that source , then the sex you have, needs to be the type sex you want at the frequency you want it. So for the sake of your happiness (and consequently hers), be more assertive during sex, approach it slowly, small changes, don’t tell her or ask her permission, be playful and amused when she’s is shocked or confused or hesitant.

If you’re not desiring her because of her looks, appearance, femininity- I am assumming you’ve droped the subtle hints, and bought her the sexy lingerie (FYI: don’t do this, she should be buying it herself to please you, after you nonchantly mention you like ‘that kind of thing’) then you need her to step up her game.
She gets first crack at your libido, not sole custody of it.
The best way to do that is to behave as if you were suddenly SINGLE.
What would you do? Starting working out more? Dress better? Start going out to bar/clubs/social events? If she’s as good a women as you think, after a while (the timescale is determined by how valuable she thinks you are, the more high value the quicker she will react), she will start to also take better care of herself, her appearance, how she looks around the house, how much attention she is giving you. Then her desire/motivation to keep you and behave the way you want will increase: Because its to her advantage to do so: because she realizes if she’s not making you happy, then there are plenty of other women that will. This is genuine desire, not negotiated desire from sitting her down and communicating.
CAVEAT: ‘She gets first crack at your libido, not sole custody of it’. This means you are improving yourself , for yourself. You are not improving yourself to get her to ‘behave right’. That kind of thinking is a ‘covert contract’ she has no knowledge about, and you’ll end up resenting her if she doesn’t behave right after months/years of your efforts. If she sees you improving yourself and tries her best to keep up, good for you; Enjoy your good woman. If she does not, then you wouldn’t care because you’ll have attracted other women that will.

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John
August 20th, 2021 at 8:51 PM
Darren you did not understand the writer,s condition at all, sorry you are of no help
I am going through the same situation as the writer, except she is my girlfriend. This is one hell of a sad thing. My girlfriend, she is one in a billion, such an angel, smart, understanding, talented, intelligent, compassionate, everything anyone can wish for, she is my soulmate, she into me 100%. We are made for each other. She is the first person i’d call for everything that happens in my life, everything. Did i say angel? It’s an heart wrenching situation that i can’t view the angel sexually. No, nothing to do with libido, nor sexual orientation, i am a straight guy with super strong libido in my early 30s. So why cant i view her sexually? I don’t know. The closest answer i can give is, Can any normal person view their mother, sister, daughter sexually. Maybe that’s how my brain wired her. We are so close to each that she’s my mum?,my sibling?,my daughter? a child?. I don’t know, i can’t. I hate the world and society that made every one of us to think that you can only get married if you can have sex. Emotional connection is far deeper than what the physical body can do or express. Unfortunately, here is where i felt that even my girlfriend doesn’t understand me, she felt rejected, i told her maybe thats the way i see her, i can never form a better emotional connection, friendship, soul connection with others. In an heartwrenching situation i asked for break up, her cry still haunts me, i am guilty, her angelic face is still on my face, i am still not over yet. I just despise the way our society is wired. Sex is shit compared to how you connect to a person on higher level. Unfortunately nobody gets it.
Recently i found someone who i can have sex with, i’ll trade deep emotional connection (maybe i will, but it wont be the same nor anywhere closer) for someone i can have sex with, i will move on.

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Ed
September 13th, 2021 at 6:52 PM
Hi John,
I am exactly where you were but haven’t told her yet. I am thinking hiding the fact am not sexually attracted to her and going forward with the relationship will only be setting ourselves up for alot of pain. She is an amazing person but she doest turn me on, I force myself to be there!! I am 31, I know what amazing sex is and what it does for a relationship. That’s what I would want at least in a young marriage. If things need work later on in life that’s kind of normal because life happens. How do I go in knowing there is a problem from the get go and expect a miracle? Or should ?! How is your situation so far, are you at peace?

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Gray Man
September 20th, 2021 at 9:42 AM
Been married almost 41 years. First marriage for both of us. She was just under 100 lbs. when we got married, now she’s up to 180 lbs. She came to me about 10 years ago and said she didn’t want to have sex with me anymore because it was painful. Well, I love her and I don’t want to leave her or anything but this was a problem for me. My thinking was this is my problem, I need to find a solution, so I did. I bought a sex doll. Well she hates that, and for the last few years the doll has been laying under the bed. So I turned to porn and masturbation. Well, hell! She don’t like that either, (though it hasn’t stopped me). She doesn’t want sex, but she doesn’t want me to have sex either. I don’t know what is wrong with her.
I thought of having an affair but I’m in my mid 60’s now. The years haven’t all been easy and I just don’t think there would be that many women interested anymore. Most all my working years were outdoors and there’s plenty of wrinkles to show for it.

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Chris
October 3rd, 2021 at 4:11 AM
@Gray Man. Dont sell yourself short. Im willing to bet you worked like what, 40+ years? Invested in housing, cars, family….. but have you ever invested in you? When’s the last time you popped into the gym? 6 pack is totally still possible. When your wife starts seeing some results, she may take interest in getting herself back in shape as well. (mine did….. after a while) If you’re already in shape or when you get there, drop a little money down in Tijuana. Research a good doctor. Get some work done. Trust me, they will iron out those winkles in no time. Its not just for women anymore…. lots of guys are getting work done too. If your wife doesn’t take notice after, stop being miserable. Drop the ball and chain, go hunting. You will find a silver fox you’re happy with in no time.

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john
October 14th, 2021 at 2:30 PM
Married over 50 years and our sex life was always terrible! When first married neither one of us had real sex, so the beginning started rather slow but we progressed. She only wanted sex one way and that became boring and suggested we try different positions, nothing drastic and she went air born. I like it one way and that’s it, I said maybe we could at least try! Then she started whining and complaining about how to have sex. If I touched her her she that was sore and that hurts, then it was the name calling that I was a pervert and various other things I shouldn’t use here. And I wasn’t to ever touch her again and I really didn’t know what I did wrong, I was a guy trying to love his life. So after years of belittling I moved out of the bedroom to the basement and built myself a small apartment thing. Also I went on the midnight shift so I didn’t have to be at home. So after no sex or intimacy for over 40 years it doesn’t make ant difference anymore. I lost all interest and if she intimate with another guy or gal I don’t really care. We now just do our own thing, never talk to each other, and share nothing.

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Her
October 18th, 2021 at 5:01 AM
Oh, wow. I went through something like this because I was lonely and for the first time in my life someone just really loved me. I regret that decision and where it left us 15 years later but that’s where “settling” and “having realistic standards” will leave you. It’s night and day between my former marriage and partner now. Don’t date people you’re not 100% into, certainly don’t marry them. It’s better to be lonely for awhile longer while you meet someone you can be genuine about than to create the sort of misery and chaos that comes with constantly choosing between an unhappy sex life and a divorce.

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Pierce
July 20th, 2022 at 4:34 AM
I advise everyone to read Rigormortis’ comment “ Rigormortis

July 16th, 2017 at 8:28 PM
Aw common, no one is wanting to talk the truth here. The simple answer is stop looking at porn dude. You got yourself a nice meaty hamburger, so quit browsing the steak isle all the time. Seriously, give up your porn habit (cause thats what confusing you about what you like) and stop masturbating while watching internet porn. Do this for a month, 2 or 3 if you have to, and when you daydream about sex, daydream only about her, stop yourself from daydreaming about all those fake boobed size 2 porn women. You’ll be ready to tear her apart and give her the full UMPH you both need. yeah its a psychological issue, one you can easily fix. Dont listen to this “what you like is deeply rooted psychological crap” If you were stuck with her on a desert island with no internet connection she would become a ribeye real quick. Now go stop looking at that porno and do some exercising cause once your mind is cleansed of porn your gonna be a sex maniac with the woman you love! what could be better!

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Daniel
July 21st, 2022 at 1:22 AM
When my wife and I married, I had a very high sex drive. She kept saying she didn’t want to have sex. She didn’t want to have sex at a particular time of day. She didn’t like how I was in bed naturally and wanted me to change my habits. She made me feel guilty about wanting sex with her when she was not in the mood. Constantly brings up the one time 2 and half years ago when I was so sex starved I just started to have sex with her. She lets me know how much that hurt her emotionally all the time no matter how often I apologize for it.
She has a very high-stress job and works 70+ hours a week. There is trouble at work and she comes home and unloads all her stress of the day on me. She is working two full-time jobs.
Recently she has said that she feels guilty for not taking care of me sexually. She keeps trying to initiate sex with me about twice a week or so. I just don’t want to. We just tried to have sex again I literally could not keep it up from lack of interest and fear of how she would hurt me emotionally later. She said “I feel like a failure as I wife since my husband is not attracted to me!” and then started to cry. She said “Don’t worry. I don’t have orgasms but still, feel close to you when you have sex with me since I know it is important to you.”
When she said that it just killed me inside and reinforced why I don’t want to have sex with her. We are missionaries in a foreign country and I don’t speak the language and don’t have any friends. I don’t watch porn. I don’t masturbate. I sit here alone all day. We are stuck here until the church sends us back to the USA. I feel trapped and don’t know what to do.
Please help!!

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Sara GT
July 21st, 2022 at 1:46 PM
Dear Daniel, We are sorry to hear about your relationship issues and we are glad you posted to the GoodTherapy blog. If you would like to talk to a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your country into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to email us at support@goodtherapy.org. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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Alex
January 11th, 2023 at 9:06 AM
To all the women who are hurt by this and are stating the husbands are shallow or not mature should know that these are pleas of help in a mature manner of men wanting to be great husbands to the women they love. Instead of guilt shaming the man who already feels a way, how about we see why are so many men are feeling this way. As a married man myself I can relate to most of these replys from men to the T. So what is it that men need (not want) but can’t say it because we live in a Western society that criticize us and suppresses our primal needs? Women tend to use women logic to fix men logic and that will never work. We are biologically different and we have different needs. Now yes there are always exceptions to the rules but what I’m stating is a general view. Men are territorial, by that we are design to conquer. When we live at home we tend to get domesticated and slowly we feel like we are living with our mothers perhaps. What women tend to do is tame men, and men aren’t meant for this. Western culture and society pushes this narrative through movies, social medias, politics, etc. so now we are brainwashed in thinking it’s the norm when in fact we are fighting against out biology to make our wife happy. Men are designed to go out, find a purpose and return with that purpose. Men have to find their worth to adjust and find purpose in society or society will let him know really fast where he stands in the pecking hierarchy while women are born with worth. How are women born with “worth”? It’s simple and this is where women has the edge over us men….their bodies. Yes I said it but if a woman simply take care of her body and what she eats she will easily be taken care of. Women hate hearing this and such in denial and society shames men in this but a good body is feminine. Period.

Now my wife who I love dearly only fault, which is currently a big one for me, is her eating habits. She tends to judge food consumption by my portions and not consider that A. Men consume/burn more calories and B. She weighs more than me, C. Working out is my hobby and something she does only if there is time (no we do not have children so their should always be time). K try telling her this, and really there seems to be no masterful or tact way of saying this because it will always hurt. Because she has gain weight, she now snores loudly, tired from thyroid problems and usually in some type of pain every week..which all still could be prevented by adequate exercise and controlling food (yes it can be difficult). So when she wants to have sex, I think about the snoring and my lack of sleep or her weight being more then mines.

When I first met my wife she had a great body but the problem was she (as do I) do not have the genes to eat what we did 10yrs ago. I know it sounds I’m being harsh but know this is serious and I’m taking the time to break down what can go on in a man’s mind. Men are attracted to feminity women, call it shallow but that’s why men are men and women are women. We are simply built differently and our priorities will be different. When our wife is saying we don’t want to have sex with them or society shames men saying we get impotent I just know in my bones we are fighting against our nature. My nature is telling me I love my wife but sometimes I want to have sex with another woman, and leave it at that. A woman now will use their logic and say well you must not love your wife because you can justify thinking about having sex with a other woman…but again… that’s using women logic to answer men problems. Society will shame men for that though but that is the fix. Note: The therapist in the post didn’t even have a solution yet this is an alarming and common problem. For me I’m choosing the weight for other men it can be other qualities which is perhaps not feminine in their eyes but usually weight or harsh/argumentative personalities are the main issues regarding attractiveness.

Good luck everyone!

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Aldus
February 24th, 2023 at 9:57 PM
Yet another sob story. I have been with my wife 26 years. Married for 18. Early on there was lots of sex, but it was not perfect. However, I had been through some early breakups which had been devastating. And I though this was more sustainable. Pre-children it was tolerable. Sometimes we would have good sex. Sometimes not. Then we had a child. Everything suddenly was a nightmare. She was so mean to me. But when I talked to my friends about it, they told me I could not leave the mother of my child – with that child in his infancy. I stuck by her. Sex was almost non-existent for most of that time. And 5 years later we had another child. After the birth of the 2nd child she again became absolutely vicious with me. Hateful. Endless contempt and indignation. No matter what I did, it was not enough. Obviously no sex. And then she started coming around – after a few years. But from that point on, sex was a problem the majority of the time. She would demand that I seduce her and then get angry that I did not do it correctly. She would interrupt sex in the middle and tell me that I was not doing it right – that I should know what she wants. There were endless hoops I had to jump through to get sex… and then it would be awful a majority of the time. Finally, in my 50’s my libido slowed down and I was able to take a step back and realize that it was bad for my mental health to have sex with her. She made me feel terrible for being who I am sexually. She was critical and demeaning and contemptuous. But my libido had been so high that I had put up with it. It was a relief to finally be able to just not care about sex with her. That doesn’t fix anything, of course. Now I never have sex with her or with anyone else. I have no interest in having sex with my wife. I certainly am attracted to other women. I haven’t watched porn in years. Maybe almost 15 years. I just lost interest in it. And I never liked a lot of the porn that’s out there. Anyway, I have theories about how I ended up with this woman. But none of that really matters. The reality is that I am with her, I have 2 kids with her (both relatively young), and I am living a really sad life.

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Pamela
July 29th, 2023 at 10:41 AM
My husband has mental issues, depression, anxiety ED but had a surgery to fix it. Married for 8 years , to date he never had sex with me. Recently we went on a holiday and he met someone at the pool, I allowed him to go swimming alone at night and he went to her room. Apparently they had sex, it felt like a dagger in my heart. I’ve been waiting for him to slowly recover and gave him the space, holding back my wants, he did this to me. He did say it was like an experiment to see if it works. He also says he will never do it again. He truly loves me and wants to grow old together. As for me, as painful as it is, I still love him and decided to give him a chance prove that he truly loves me, will work to improve our relationship; intimacy and other acts of love making. I’m 60 and don’t want to die alone and don’t intend to start another relationship. Am I making the right move? Am I cheating myself? Thank you for reading 🥹

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Dann
September 2nd, 2023 at 12:33 AM
I’m not really into porn or anything, but my wife has been disrespectful and I dont feel comfortable having sex with her. She has called me names, yelled at me in public, which made me feel extremely small and embarassed. I tried to pretend it was a joke to not look foolish. At the house I end up washing clothes, dishes, cleaning the showers and floors etc. It got so time consuming I hired a person to come over to do it all. Even when on vacation and checking into hotels, no matter how nice it is (4 or 5 star) she will find something to gripe about , not clan enough, room service is slow, shower too high, bed not good enough etc. So I dread vacations with her since I know there is issues I will have to deal with right off hand.

I am a good looking guy and in shape and make a decent living. I had never cheated in any way prior. But, I recently started going out with women , nothing sexual, just to dinner or to hike, I am more interested in the good company than I am sex with them, but inevitably they start wanting to have sex and I was attracted to this one woman I was dating (been dating her for over 6 months )probably going out 3 -4 times a week and we ended up having sex at a hotel. She is very attractive physically, but to me it was more about I liked her personality and she treated me with respect and appreciated small gestures like me opening the door, bringing her flowers, nothing crazy, just a sunflower or lily. I would do this for my wife and she would just put them on the counter and walk off, or just expect me to open the door and she would proceed like she was a queen and just keep walking , leaving me to walk faster to catch up to her. Which made me feel like a nobody, wife also walks away from me as I am saying something or rolls eyes, even if I just ask a question. This woman I have been dating waits after I open the door for her and then grabs my hand to hold it and squeezes it gently as we walk, she even grabs me and pulls me in for a hug and it doesnt seem forced or fake. She also looks at me a certain way that my wife doesnt. When we are watching a movie she will lean over and kiss my cheek, or poke me in a playing way. She texts me sometimes randomly during the day things like, “want to grab lunch” or “I have a surprise, when do you get off, I get off at 4 today” or she sends me pictures of the sun setting on a hike we went on and says things like “remember this” We go to movies, hiking, we went to haunted houses for halloween too which was quite fun, she dressed up as a wicth (something my wife would think is foolish) we even meet up at a park and just talk, I am about to try to sneak off on a beach vacation and invite her. I tried to talk to my wife about my wife’s attitude and all she does is say “no one is having an attitude” and refuses to even address it so I have gotten to the point of not eve mentioning it. My wife is attractive, but her personality is making her less and less attractive to me, she will get out of the shower and ask if I want to have sex and I just say no then she proceeds to verbally abuse saying things like ” no one else would have sex with you, if you dont want to now then dont ask later” and I just respond “I wont” which makes her start yelling, I end up just telling her to leave me be so I can concentrate on my work in my office at home. I dont even sleep in the same room anymore due to feeling strange and feeling low and disrespected. I already tried to explain how her attitude is making me think and she refuses to even try to fix it. We had a lot of great times over the years but the attitude and disrespect have almost overshadowed that.

The woman I am dating even bought concert tickets for the two of us before and we went and had a lot of fun. Its like I felt new again within myself somehow and felt like I could enjoy someone elses company without the constant strain and it was just a relaxed time , no expectations, no stress. I felt like I was in college again and going on a date with a crush. I dont really know what to do in this case, its almost an unrecoverable situation with wife.

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Help! I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Like Having Sex with Her

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