Why Doesn’t My Therapist Give Me More Feedback and Advice?
Dear Questioning Client,
Thank you for writing in with this very thoughtful question; you raise some important therapeutic issues that deserve to be addressed. Before getting to your question, I would just like to acknowledge your courage and perseverance. Despite the frustrations you have with your therapist, you are still willing to go in week after week to work on the issues that you are struggling with. It sounds like only 1 year ago, you were at a point of such despair and desperation that you nearly ended your life. Today, however, you are so committed to your healing that you are regularly working with a psychiatrist on the medicinal aspects of your treatment and also working very hard in your therapy sessions.
To be honest, Kevin, when I read your question, I cringed at the thought of your therapist routinely starting your sessions 15 minutes late and ending early. The therapy hour is a very precious one and one that should be reserved for you and only you—it is your time, period. Of course, a session right before yours might run a little late every once in a while, but this should not be a weekly occurrence, and when it does happen, the time you lost at the beginning of the hour should be added on to the end of the hour. As for her lack of active participation in your sessions, this could be a result of her training and the approach she takes in her work—some approaches to therapy call for therapists to remain detached from their clients. The rationale for this detachment tends to be rooted in a desire to maintain therapeutic boundaries; your therapist’s disregard for the start and stop times of sessions, however, runs contrary to a focus on therapeutic boundaries.
One thing that seems clear from your question is that you like your therapist and you appreciate the time and space offered by your sessions to work on healing. This tells me that a good therapeutic relationship has developed between the two of you during the year that you have been working together. I hope that the combination of this therapeutic relationship and the courage that you so clearly bring to therapy will allow you to talk to her about the issues you raised. They are absolutely legitimate issues and very worthy of discussing with her.
It can be anxiety provoking, and even frightening, to think about having this kind of conversation with your therapist—you even mention not wanting to insult her. However, for many people, maybe even most, a significant part of therapy is learning how to have fair, direct conversations aimed at getting their needs met, while being open to hearing the other side of the situation. What better place to practice this kind of conversation than within the safety of the therapeutic relationship? Hopefully, she will be open to hearing what you have to say and will be willing to work with you on these issues. If she is not, it might be in your best interest to consider looking for a therapist who is a better fit for you.
Kind regards,
Sarah
Sarah Noel
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f.cooper
November 2nd, 2012 at 10:50 PMit’s not easy to find a therapist that you connect with,especially of you are choosy like I am.I settled with the fourth therapist when I needed therapy.
You seem to have found one you are comfortable with and hat is good news.regardless the time spent is an important aspect too and shortening that can work against you.just speak with your therapist about it and I’m sure the problem is small enough to be sorted out through dialogue.all the best.
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Hollis
November 3rd, 2012 at 4:46 AMI really do think that if your therapist heard something that needed to be further addressed as the two of you talk, then she would mention that and try to expound upon that. But maybe she is giving you a safe place to talk and share without having to feel like you have something deep to delve into. I am sure that if you told her okay, I am trying to work through something and I would love to know what you think about htis or that, then she would be happy to respond. But if you are happy with the way that things are right now, then I don’t see that there is anything wrong with her staying a little hands off and quiet and allowing you to share.
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Jim
November 3rd, 2012 at 2:57 PMIf you look forward to seeing her, and you said right here that you did, then who cares what she does or doesn’t say? It is obvious that going to her and talking with her means something good to you, so maybe this is all leading to her trying to let you just talk through some things and find out on your own, with her guidance, just what needs to be done. Sometimes I think that it means so much more to find things out on our own than it does to have someone tell us. It’s a much stronger learning influence this way.
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breanne
November 5th, 2012 at 5:03 AMThere are tons of therapists out there- if you aren’t happy then I recommend looking for someone new. How can you ever really find your true and happier self if you aren’t happy with the guidance that you are being given?
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Johnathan Shumacher
November 5th, 2012 at 9:33 AMThe absolute best thing that ever happened to me in regards to therapy was a therapist who went out on maternity leave. Fortunately, we had only met for about three months. I had a problem with overeating and the comment that sticks out most in my mind is: Can’t you put a limit on that? I was very young and didn’t know how to advocate for myself. I didn’t even realize this therapist was not for me because she was the first therapist I’d ever had. But, when she went on maternity leave, she referred me to another therapist who was a complete God-send. She helped me and my family so much, and I am forever grateful to her. So, even though you are comfortable with your therapist, maybe you could try someone else. You may never know what you are missing out on unless you give someone else a try!
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Denise OHara
November 8th, 2012 at 7:34 PMI am moved by your tenacity and courage and it troubles me that your therapist starts your session late. You are making a a financial investment along with an emotional one by choosing to participate in therapy. That time in therapy belongs to you and I find it unethical for her not to hold up her part. I agree with the above response that her theoretical methods may be dictating her approach during your sessions; however, some feedback seems more than appropriate given your history. Although giving advice is not what therapy is all about, examining your choices and exploring your feelings seems like an important and missing piece of the work that you are doing. It is OK and wise for you to bring all of this up with her. If it still does not feel like you are getting your needs met, it may be time to look for another therapist.
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PRU
July 5th, 2013 at 6:09 PMThanks so much for sharing Iam so glad you did not take your life and that you are here with us engaging in therapy . You may want to informed your therapist of how you feel and let her know you are not comfortable in your sessions at this time . This is your time and it’s good to be honest in each of your sessions . Sometimes it takes time to develop a good working/trusting relationship with your therapist. Be well, and stay strong ….
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KC
January 1st, 2014 at 2:53 PM“Why doesn’t my therapist give me more feedback and advice?” was LITERALLY the exact same question I JUST searched for…. and guess where I landed? ;-)
First and foremost, I just want to tell you how PROUD I am (and I’m SURE everyone else that is in this conversation!!!) of YOU, for YOUR continuous effort of going BACK, everyyyy da*n tiiiime!!!
Secondly, I KNOW firsthand how hard that is, day in and day out…. I truly do. howeverrr, what I’m starting to learn NOW though, is that sometimes when I FEEL like I am talking too much ((which is usually how the session pans out…. and, at the time, I hate it and it definitely makes me feel VERY anxious and out of place…. >:( ….)), I actually (usually) end up solving my OWN problem that I’m talking about, sharing about, questioning about, etc., with my therapist, AS I AM TALKING TO HER (or even after the session is done and I’m on my way home, thinking about what was said..) How ironic is that? I swear to ya!! (lol)… I KNOW it feels uncomfortable going to go see her on a regular basis right now, my friend..((I reeeally KNOW & DO understand. :-( ..))
…however, when she really is not being considerate of your needs, to the BEST of her ability, on top of being completely inappropriate and unprofessional…. MY personal advice, is to continue seeing her while searching for a NEW therapist… really… the only reason I say that is because I KNOW just how hard one week is for myself (that’s how I relapsed after 4 & 1/2 months of sobriety), at least, and if I didn’t have anyone to talk/turn to, I don’t know where or even IF my life would still be here, you know?…. (which, by the waaaay, you are DEFINITELY supposed to be here right now, at this very second, listening/reading my ramble, because, well….ya wanna know why??? ;-) here’s a few examples for ya: :-)– That door you held open for an elderly woman, either recent or a looong time ago, doesn’t matter… either way… I can guarantee you that that woman kept YOU in her thoughts and in her heart for as long as she could. Just because YOU held the door open for HER – a rarity that you TRULY don’t see anymore OR don’t hear a thank you for, anyway…. – brought a SMILE to her face ALL over again…ALL because of your kind spirit! (annnnd, if not an elderly woman, then, well…. someone else you were a complete nice guy too! :-)
– If you weren’t here right now, my friend… I would have NEVER been able to click on the link to even read and/or reply to this status, which in all actuality…. I needed your words just as much as (hopefully…lol) you needed or listened to, mine! And I can guarantee you that I won’t be the ONLY one that is truly effected by your message! PLEASE keep going to your appointments, friend! Take advantage of them while they are available and so close to you!!… it may sound like a selfish thing to do, or even bothersome, but, it actually isn’t! at ALL! ((I found this out recently, TOO! lol)) that’s what they are there for! for YOU. :-) … I am actually going to talk to my therapist next week about the SAME ISSUES I am going through with HER! Blaaahhhhh! :-P
Ok sooo, I don’t want to make this message TOO long soooo, 2 compliments is all ya get today, buddy!!! :-P ((hehe, totally kidding!! :-) …))….but really, i would highly suggest trying to find a different therapist if her behavior doesn’t change soon…. i mean, i STILL have to talk to mine, too, sooo… trust me… i know it’s not easy, but…. you DESERVE this, my friend!!!!!!! we are ALL here for you, cheering you on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) :-)
Every day that you are in this WORLD has an impact on some one, some thing,…but most importantly, YOU. :-) . It’s actually what I have been learning RECENTLY, throughout the past 22 YEARS of therapy!…(parents divorced when I was 2, brother was 4….and family therapy began shortly thereafter. . .)) because we all know just how much hell we have to go through to find our “saving grace”… that “someone” who we can rely on… trust… feel safe with… let all of our worst nightmares escape from us…… however, in MY experience, at 29 years old,…. after everything i have been through in my life personally (DEFINITELY not discounting your life – just wanted to make a quick point..lol), the funny thing is, is that that “saving grace” we are looking for is TRULY within OURSELVES… i never ever ever everrrr believed it and always thought that whoever said that was full of BS, but.. it’s 110% true, my friend.. i guess just look at this experience as: “Well, at least I don’t have to go see ____________ every week because all SHE does is cut me off in the middle of me talking with an answer, without even letting me finish my sentence and…….” you catch my drift, right?? :-) i DO think that there is a better therapist for you out there, for SURE… i totally agree with that! but, ya just gotta do some diggin’… that’s all… :-) …just make sure to utilize these appointments that you have now though, really! it may not seem like they are helping at ALL, but… they are! i PROMISE you this! get that sh*t off of your chest!!! :-)
Ok, ONE LAST THING! I SWEAR!!!! lol :-D
Alrightyyy sooo.. I literally just thought up a plan (for you AND myself, since we are going through the same crap right now, right? blechhhhhh).
Soooo… what I was thinking was, instead of telling someone “the way you want things around here” (well at least that’s what it seems like it would sound like in MY head…lol) . . . how about instead of confrontation (my arch enemy), you write down, well, as many questions as you’d like, to bring with you to your next appointment?? I was thinking something along the lines of:
– “I was thinking the other day after our last session and…. well…. I was just curious…. what do you feel I have improved within my life, my self, or the steps ahead of me, the MOST within the last year? And what do I need to work on more…? in your opinion? ….And why?”
….in my opinion, this should give her at the very LEAST, a few minutes, if not more, to explain in detail to you the things you have ACCOMPLISHED and the things that you MAY need to work on (not always guaranteed, by the way! :-) …once she has given HER opinion, you can respond to HER, since YOU listened to HER answer, right? :-) …then nonchalantly say something like, “Wow, thank you for sharing that with me. That means A LOT to me… I would love it if you could share your thoughts and suggestions MORE often with me? I thrive off of constructive criticism ((even if you may not right now, it will actually benefit you in the long run!)) and this is great! We should do this more often… sharing & listening, listening & sharing… Wow, that really just lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders…….” (((Something like that!! lol…. :-P ..)
Ok well, thank you ALL for listening to me yammer… I have a tendency to do that! lol… I hope I said something that made sense… I have a very bad habit of getting off the subject and focusing on the next 3 in my head…. Soo… I do apologize for that! However, I wish you NOTHING BUT THE BEST, friend!!! NOTHING BUT THE BEST TO ALLLLLL OF YOU!!!!! I am sooooooo glad that I came across this site!!!! Everything TRULY does happen for a reason, no matter HOW cliche it sounds!
All My Love,
~KC -
Think First then act
March 24th, 2015 at 11:15 AMIf you have never been to a therapist who need to read and ask someone you trust for some advise.
I think my therapist did exposure therapy and I felt bad for months. It was as if someone put their genitals in my brains. Not joking. How can you know before you go to a therapist that someone will not hurt you with words & phrases that are not normal or in your best interest. -
han
February 7th, 2016 at 5:10 PMThis is talk therapy. You might like to look at humanistic based psychotherapy to fulfill your needs.
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Donna
March 9th, 2016 at 2:03 PMI am in therapy and I am just not sure where my therapist is leading me. He mentions things that we need to discuss at our next session. And Then the next session comes around and he does even bring up what he wanted to discuss. And I thought by now that we would be deep into the things I need to work on. Like I keep reading into what people say. And I made it clear there was a problem there , but he doesnt seem to bring it up for us to work on. Im really confused. I just got home from therapy and Im in tears.
Im afraid to ask him, when are we going to work on these things. He said we should have therapy twice a month. But Im still dealing with alot. Im not sure if he has a plan for our couseling sessions or not. Im so tired of trying to figure things out. on my own.
Any advice. -
The GoodTherapy.org Team
March 9th, 2016 at 3:14 PMDear Donna,
Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. You may wish to discuss this specific concern with your therapist, but please know it is never wrong to seek the opinion of another qualified mental health professional.
This article, which lists some things to look out for while in therapy, may be helpful:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapyIf you would like to consult another therapist or counselor, you can see a list of practitioners in your area on our website. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.htmlWe wish you the best of luck.
Kind regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team -
YUP
March 27th, 2016 at 2:58 PMSounds like a bad therapist. I would find someone better. Don’t fall for it. If they’re already doing as you said you can expect even more problems from them as well. Don’t be shocked. Therapists are generally useless. They aren’t going to really be helpful. Unless you’re a dope and just think they’re helpful. Even then I wouldn’t trust them. Just telling you how it is.
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Joe
January 15th, 2018 at 3:27 PMAfter 20+ therapists and over 500 sessions I can say that yes, they are all lazy scammers. Money and time 100% wasted.
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Teresa
September 1st, 2018 at 11:03 PMI am so confused about therapy..I have been seeing someone for a year and a half..I like her but i feel there is a communication problem which is disappointing because i thought the therapist was suppossed to help with this. I never have any feed back about any progress i have made or goals of therapy or how long it is suppossed to last..She seems annoyed at me because i get anxious and watch the clock.. She never revisits anything we have talked about in the last session. Last year i tried to bring up something she said for her to explain it more and at some point she said she felt like she was starting all over again which made me feel just horrible..She said she is fine with processing and that she really likes to use some different techniques because she thinks its faster than processing, but when i come in she just asks how i have been and doesnt direct the session at all so i am so confused…I have social anxiety at the start of the session and she knows that..Maybe this makes her uncomfortable? I dont know how to run a therapy session. Am i suppossed to ask her after i tell her a pressing issue: does she want to use those tools she keeps talking about? It seems like she should be saying that. In many ways i really like her..She has said therapy is supposed to be a lab where we can try things out but i feel she gets stressed if i ask a question sometimes. So im to the point where i dont know what i can say when i come in because i have no clue what the goals are, what she wants to do, of she wants to use these tools that i dont know how to use, etc. Im torn because i like her but i just dont know how to communicate with her…I feel like if i cant succeed with her i will never try therapy again…Sometimes i just wish therapists would just talk to me like a real person and just try to help me talk when i have social anxiety or am nervous.
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Sharon G
December 16th, 2018 at 4:24 PMI think the office should have their vision of their therapy and what to expect, in clear writing up in the waiting room to ponder.
I also felt the need for constructive debate about my issues but, the therapist just listens to me talk. Feeling =where is the guidance here? So, I asked…she said “Look where you are now compared to where you were in the beginning?” Okay…that’s it? Is that it? That’s it! So I guess it is. Still left with ourselves! tee hee Guess that’s kind of getting real with ourselves and learning to trust others…lol. Now that’s a lot. -
Alena
July 14th, 2019 at 8:16 PMI am having a similar experience as well. This is the first therapist I have been able to respect. My mother is a social worker. I have found many go into their work to find answers for themselves, I have yet to find a therapist that can do more than listen and talk. Most I meet can’t even do that. But this appears to me to be the bare minimum. If I am committing my time and consistent effort, why am I not getting answers? Why are there no solutions, advice, suggestions? The mental health system has failed me and all of the online advice just tells me to find a new therapist. I have already done that 6 times. It doesn’t work.
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Claire
October 5th, 2019 at 6:46 PMI’ve had this experience as well. I didn’t really know better with my past 4 failed therapy attempts, but most recently I confronted my therapist about this after figuring out what would actually be best for me. Like you, I don’t understand the benefits of simply talking without also finding real solutions to the issues. It’s like every week is a repeat of talking about my week…and then the session is over. Lol
I’d recommend asking the therapist via phone before setting an initial appointment if they’ll provide feedback and tasks or things to work on after the session, versus just listening and providing vague, thoughtful commentary during session. Inquire to what their approach is, and what type of therapy approaches they’re trained in. There are therapist who will give you more solutions and guidance.
Sometimes therapist don’t know all the answers to what’s best for you, they’re just going to do whatever they were trained to do. It’s important to understand the different therapeutic approaches and find a therapist who aligns with the right one for you.
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Jack
June 8th, 2021 at 6:10 AMI know this is old, but I have the same issue. I just talk. I guess that’s nice, but I can do that with friends. Sure, it’s a non-judgmental space, but so are my friends. It’s like I’m paying for a pair of ears. If there’s no active participation from the therapist, what am I paying all this money for. Honestly, the first few comments here are not helpful. The ones that say, “If you like/look forward to going, isn’t that good enough?” Well. No. I could like a doctor, but unless he’s bandaging my wound, he’s not helping. Where’s the bandage here when all I do is talk. I don’t understand how what I do with friends is suddenly therapy when I pay $100 an hour to do the same thing. I expected something more active. If the therapy is talk, then I expect some kind of guidance or help. Otherwise, I don’t see anything added over just talking to non-therapists. My counselor says very little and never guides. How does this help?
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Zelda
February 1st, 2022 at 8:06 PMI had the same experiences and my conclusion is that the mental health system needs help.
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Terri
May 20th, 2022 at 11:17 PMIn therapy for many years and this is just my personal opinion from my own experience, I really think maybe some therapist want you to be comfortable with them and are allowing their clients to share more about themselves and issues, so she/ he can get to know you and be able to address your issues as they come up or later in your treatment sessions every therapist has their own way of giving their clients treatment as clients we need to give them a chance to get to know us as human beings first.
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ojala16
July 14th, 2022 at 10:27 PMI am certainly not versed in therapeutic methods, but it seems like of a sweet gig to let someone talk themselves blue in the face, never write anything down, and offer bits of advice off the top of your head — and then bill for it! I had a therapist for YEARS who was like this. There was no structure; she didn’t ask any questions; she didn’t reference anything from prior sessions. Sometimes I swear she was texting in her lap (video visits.) I would hear others talking about making strides in therapy and be so confused. I guess I thought the process was to talk yourself into your own solutions? But often it was like talking to a wall. I went through a horrendous breakup and after listening to her bland assessment of the situation, found another therapist who is just fantastic, engaged, insightful and TALKS NEARLY AS MUCH AS I DO. Writes things down! Comes into the session with ideas and objectives! I have learned so much about myself and my (avoidant) ex — too late to save our relationship, sadly, but possibly not too late to save my sanity (here’s hoping!) No more logging into sessions late to avoid those awkward silences. The difference is night and day. Just move on. I realize the original comment was 10 yrs ago, but hopefully this thread is still relevant to those struggling. It might take some shopping, which is tedious, but you will find someone better and more suited to you. Don’t waste anymore time!
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Concerned therapist
December 20th, 2022 at 2:52 PMHello there, You sound like you’d be a great candidate for DBT therapy. Perhaps you can find a DBT therapist or a clinic that specializes in DBT. They give content feedback and have specialty in suicidal behaviors. Best of luck to you.
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