5 Reasons You Hate Your Partner

Upset couple in bed sleeping separatelyEven people who have happy relationships spend a lot of time having negative thoughts about their partner. Here’s why:

  1. You have a fantasy about how your partner should be.
  2. You are a person with high sensitivity, anxiety, or depression.
  3. You think your partner should make you happy.
  4. You are with someone who is not like you.
  5. You don’t see your part in conflicts.

Fantasies Falling Short

Intimate relationships and marriages can be a dream come true but, for many, they can feel like a nightmare. Consciously or unconsciously, people go into marriage with expectations from their own parents’ marriage(s). Some people try to fashion the closeness or distance they observed between their parents, while others affirm desperately that they will never repeat what they saw. Either way, you may feel angry, anxious, and/or hopeless if your relationship falls short of your expectations.

Temperament and Mood Matters

If you are highly sensitive or prone to depression or anxiety, you might be intensely reactive to minor slights from your partner. Understanding how to work with, tolerate, and manage these feelings is crucial in avoiding chronic disagreements and misunderstandings. I once asked a friend how she could get married after being single so long. “Prozac,” she said. Don’t underestimate the power of your mood to create conflict in your relationship.

Happiness Is an Inside Job

While it would be great if your partner could make you happy, he or she can only enhance how you feel. Your spouse is a separate person who may not share your moods, interests, patience, empathy, or level of sexual interest. He or she should be respected for these differences. If your spouse makes you happy, realize that is a gift and not an entitlement.

Differences Are Enriching

Opposites may attract us initially but can later repel us. That joke-telling, life-of-the-party spouse suddenly isn’t so funny. That brilliant, charming guy is now draining to be around. So do you leave? Not necessarily. Stick around and learn to understand and accept your partner. Often, the masks that attracted you cover vulnerabilities that your partner didn’t want you to see. Show your significant other you love the “real” him/her and your relationship will move to a much deeper level. After all, you are your partner’s port in the storm and he/she is yours.

You Don’t See Your Part in Conflicts

Ever feel like you’d have a wonderful relationship if you just had another partner? When you become intimate on so many levels with another person, you are bound to conflict and disagree. It is much easier to point your finger at your spouse than to look in the mirror, but looking at yourself is the only way to change your relationship. When you look inside, you may discover that the person you really have trouble with isn’t your spouse.

In short, it is so much easier to hate or be disappointed in your partner than to take the time to appreciate him or her. If you open up and learn to accept and cherish your partner, your relationship may unfold in ways you never thought possible. In the words of Carl Rogers, a famous 20th-century psychologist, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.” So start accepting yourself as you are, your partner as he or she is, and then create a relationship together that you both love. And if you need help getting started, contact a therapist.

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  • camilla

    camilla

    November 3rd, 2014 at 1:56 PM

    Is this really normal, or even healthy?
    I have to admit to you that I know I spend too much time being down on my boyfriend, much more so than I ever spend telling him the good things that he does to make me happy.
    I am never sure why I spend so much time on the bad when everything in me tells me that the good outweighs all of that but those are just the things that I always seem to focus on even when I don’t want to.
    I don’t want him to do that time but I guess that turn about is fair play so I better expect it.
    So maybe I use all of that as my defense?

  • Candy

    Candy

    January 5th, 2018 at 12:46 AM

    Omg- i m doing this same thing here….Dont know what I am doing and why I am doing this to him….to our relationship. I hate myself for that.

  • Eleanor

    Eleanor

    November 4th, 2014 at 10:12 AM

    My husband, well let’s just say that to him he never does anything wrong and can be that person who will never confess to being the cause of anything that goes wrong.

    Do you know how completely frustrating this can be? I think that at the beginning of our relationship I was willing to take the blame for most anything just to keep feathers from being ruffled but as we have gotten further into the relationship I want my voice to be heard and for him to admit that not everything that goes wrong is my fault.

    I am not sure if there is any changing his way of thinking at this point and I could be stuck but I would love to know what I can do and what we can do as a team to work through this because I am not sure I can stand always getting the blame for everything for the rest of our lives!

  • farrah

    farrah

    November 4th, 2014 at 1:57 PM

    I kind of have a hubs like that too Eleanor but at least he is at least open to recognizing when something could be his fault.
    And really it isn’t even like that all the time, it just has to be about reciprocating some understanding that there is always going to be give and take in a relationship but you can’t always be the only one who is giving.

  • Hal

    Hal

    November 4th, 2014 at 10:34 PM

    “In short, it is so much easier to hate or be disappointed in your partner than to take the time to appreciate him or her.” Only for someone who isn’t mature enough (i.e. hasn’t dealt with their own issues enough) to be in a healthy relationship.

  • Lesley

    Lesley

    November 8th, 2014 at 3:07 PM

    I agree with you Hal although am curious to know if you think there are any exceptions to this?

  • M. L. Parker, PhD

    M. L. Parker, PhD

    November 5th, 2014 at 8:19 AM

    Hello all. Both personally and professionally, I find that the simple use of speaking from the “I perspective” can be useful in keeping a conflict from becoming a roadblock. For example, “It was so hurtful/scary/embarrassing for me when XYZ happened.” (Notice the absence of the term “you made me feel…”). This makes it more likely that the listener doesn’t hear blame from you and become defensive. While this seems simple, the key factor is that one must genuinely see that he/she feels a certain way for reasons outside the relationship (e.g., family experiences, previous relationships, insecurities). It definitely takes practice and repitition speaking from the “I position”, especially when it’s not reciprocated, but it definitely helps you to grow and learn about yourself. **Also, never underestimate the healing power of “I’m sorry”.

  • glynnis

    glynnis

    November 5th, 2014 at 10:34 AM

    I totally agree with you Hal! There are days when I don’t like my husband but there is never a time where I hate him or ever regret getting married to him. I am like you in thinking that those who have these kinds of emotions probably are not mature enough to handle marriage in the first place!

  • Zoie

    Zoie

    November 7th, 2014 at 12:15 PM

    There are days when I have this terrible feeling that I have made a mistake in life by being with this person. Is this normal or truly selfish>

  • Dalila

    Dalila

    November 7th, 2014 at 2:51 PM

    Can a relationship work if only one partner is taking this advice? I’m working on myself, going to marraige counseling but my husband is not. He gets verbally abusive in arguments; puts me down then tries to say he loves me. After a few arguments I no longer feel loved even when he says it or acts like it. I feel very alone and stuck and I am pregnant. He will not help financially and wants me to pay him for living in the dump he calls a house even when I buy my own groceries, afford all my prenatal medications and related expenses. He is no support, I have wondered if I’d be better off without him. I’ve developed many negative thoughts about him and regretted ever meeting him. I like the advice here but what if it feels very hopeless? How much should a couple try before they give up?

  • Nancy

    Nancy

    November 8th, 2014 at 1:47 AM

    Dalila: Please look into emotionally and verbally abusive relationships. If this is what is happening to you (and it sounds like it to me), it is not your fault and only 1% of abusers will change. This is coming from someone who knows all too well. If, you look into it and learn that this is your situation, get out before further damage is done. I stayed way too long thinking I could make it better. With help, I eventually left. As I was told, if you are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, the only thing you can do is leave. You deserve a full and happy life.

  • Phyllis

    Phyllis

    November 8th, 2014 at 5:45 AM

    Dalila,
    I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. I am moved to write because I spent ten years with someone who was verbally abusive, blamed me for everything, etc. and it doesn’t get better unless the person sees what’s happening, wants to change, and works at it. This guy sounds like he is not there for you in any way that matters. He sounds like a problem in your life, not a positive. He sounds like a selfish angry child. (Sorry, I don’t know him. Just my impression based on what you wrote). It’s not easy to break it off with someone, especially when you’re pregnant. But take it from someone who’s been there. Love yourself enough to do what’s best for you, and for your baby. You deserve better.

  • Linds

    Linds

    June 21st, 2016 at 9:23 PM

    I’m a self admitted verbal abuser. There is no excuse, but my significant other overpowers everything I say, cuts me off when I’m speaking and it part of the self pity party. He pries into my every nook and cranny looking for a reaction then feels bad for himself when he full on gets it! It’s confusing, annoying as hell, and I feel like I’ve murdered a baby when it’s all said and done. I just feel it goes both ways. Different people are effected by different things. He doesn’t insult me per say, but he makes me feel overpowered and insignificant with his body language. We need help

  • Lacy

    Lacy

    November 8th, 2014 at 6:54 AM

    I feel for you. I too was in a very similar situation. Once I finally left, was when I became very clear to all the ABUSE that I had been enduring and not even realizing it. It sounds more to me that you aren’t dealing with just some “differences”, but rather an abusive partner and the fact that you are going through all this stress during your pregnancy is even worse for your unborn baby. You need to now turn your focuses on the child and making sure the environment you are bringing them up in, is a healthy one. It will only get worse I’m afraid.
    Best of luck to you my dear. Stay strong!

  • Lisa

    Lisa

    November 8th, 2014 at 8:28 AM

    Dalila, if what you are saying is true, you need to demand respect your self and your child. If your partner is unwilling or unable to give you that, to meet your attempts, it is not going to get better. I was in a very similar situation not long ago and it was only after I left him that a realized the severity of the abuse I’d been dealing with on a regular basis. I’m not telling you to leave him- I’m not a therapist and I don’t know your whole situation. What I’m saying is, for me, leaving was the hardest but best move I’ve ever made. It felt impossible at the time, but with my family’s support and a fresh start, I was able to rebuild my self esteem and see that I deserve so much more than that.
    I think you know what you need to do, I just hope you recognize that you have the strength to do it.

  • Bella

    Bella

    November 9th, 2014 at 2:55 PM

    Dear Dalila,
    My heart and thoughts are with you going through this right now… You seem to have done everything possible to change the situation, but unfortunately it does take two. I speak from experience and have been in your situation for ten years, making excuses for my husband but knowing deep down that his emotional and verbal abuse are as bad as been punched up every single day of my life, and that there is NEVER any excuse for this. I have tried to stay for the sake of his children who I have brought up as my own, but the time has come for me to go, I deserve to be treated with love and kindess JUST AS YOU DSERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS! I can’t tell you to leave, but in hindsight I wish I had left earlier, I have lost ten+ years of my life, I lost my job because his emotional abuse got so bad I ended up having a breakdown, I lost almost all my friends because of the misunderstanding of depression and anxiety (that he brought on – I never experienced this until I met him), and I have lost any opportunity to have my own children because I got too sick to emotionally handle having babies. I now realise no matter how hard it might have been to leave and how much I thought I loved him, it is not worth destroying oneself for another human being. If I had left before my breakdown I would have had more options and my mind would be better in sorting through how to restart my life, but now it is a million times harder with no money, almost no friends and I’m much older. I am no man hater, but I do believe that people cannot essentially change without recognising first that they have an issue and some people are just unable to do that, they are who they are and no matter the support or love we give someone if people are not treating us how we deserve the only person responsible for our own happiness and safety (and not just physical but mental well being) are ourselves, we must change our own stories. I really have only just worked that out. My husband is a real charmer and nice to everyone, in fact he is nice about everything and to everyone, will help everyone he can…..except me. He uses me as a stress release and has destroyed my life because of it. I pray this does not happen to you and hope that you find an answer that puts you in a place in this world where you are not abused. If he really does love you and you leave then he will seek the help he needs to treat you how all people should be treated with love and respect, but if you do leave and he promises this, he won’t be able to do this without external help – this is his pattern, his almost addiction if you will, and promises without changing his pattern will never last. So my suggestion is that if it was me and I could do this all over again, I would leave as soon as I could, and ask him to get the help he needs to change his pattern. Once he has done this for however long it takes and he can look at you through a different lens then if you think it is safe it might work. But I would not be with him while he is getting better because he needs to understand that IT IS NEVER OK and as a responsible adult it is his choice to be who he is. The other thing to think about is your baby. Whether or not he treats your beautiful baby in the same way he treats you is not the question – allowing your child to grow up in a family where a partner treats his or her partner in such a disgusting manner is NOT ok, and I have done a terrible thing staying and allowing my husband’s children think it is ok for a man to treat his wife the way my husband treats me – I have perpetuated his pattern now in his children who think it is ok to treat women this way. Pease take care of you…..but if you can’t see this, then please, please take care of your child. My thoughts and prayers and support are there for you.

  • Hal

    Hal

    November 10th, 2014 at 8:31 AM

    Well for me I think that it does all boil down to maturity. That can be on many levels. It can either mean that you are too young to be dealing with all of the pressures that a real marriage is going to bring to you, but it could also mean that you have been unable to resolve issues of your won and so even though you try it is hard to be with someone and give them what they need out of a relationship when you haven’t even been able to do this for yourself. The good thing though that I can see about this kind of situation is that there is always room for improvement and growth with this one, it is not that you really hate your partner, but it does mean that you have some work ahead of you so that you can improve and repair this relationship.

  • Alice

    Alice

    July 15th, 2017 at 5:05 AM

    I hate my husband. I have lost all respect for him. All the broken promises of change, all the lying. I am literally at breaking point. People tell me to leave but it is easy said than done. We have children, I stay because of my children, I don’t want to put them through this. They think everything is fine, I am good at hiding pain. It has taken its toll on me through all these years. Now I am about to break. My husband is no help at all, he is suppose to be my best friend, instead he is my enemy. Everyday is a struggle for me, everyday he makes me feel useless. I can’t remember a day when there was not one complaint about what I do, what I haven’t done, why I do things a certain way, that I am useless. My husband does not physically abuse me but verbally abuse and it cuts deeper than physical. The burden is heavy I am ready to drop everything but I am being strong for my children. I don’t know how long I can go on.

  • tahja

    tahja

    September 9th, 2018 at 8:27 PM

    I also hate my boyfriend. at the begining of our relationship he was so nice but now he stinks. how do i get him to not stink? he never laugh anymore he is like a stinky rock. please help or ill leave him.

  • jaycee

    jaycee

    January 20th, 2019 at 11:14 AM

    You forgot #6. They are just a manipulating, selfish and self absorbed human being that regularly puts their own needs first, who does not have the mental capability of self reflection and are incapable of growing as a person. Sometimes there are legit reasons to hate your partner. These are some of them. Get out.

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