What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.

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Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.

Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.

I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.

Best of luck,
Erika

Coping with an affair is one of the greatest challenges a couple might face. Some people choose not to try to cope and instead leave the relationship feeling devastated by unprocessed anger and hurt. Others choose to stay and find answers, potentially leading to reconnection and rediscovery.

Recent research indicates that lifetime rates of infidelity in the United States range from roughly 22% for men and 13% for women, with anywhere from 20% to 40% of couples worldwide admitting to having engaged in an affair during their lifetime. When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life. It takes time to reestablish trust. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it is possible to make a full recovery from an affair.

Research shows that approximately 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and recent studies demonstrate that structured therapeutic approaches can be globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex.

As a couples therapist, I’ve watched couples go through a five-step process while working through this difficult time. Results show that structured therapeutic methods are globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches. But to fully heal, you and your partner must go through each step together.

At each step, you will peel back the layers of your relationship, discussing what happened leading up to the affair. As you dig in deeper, you may realize that there were issues in the relationship and individually that contributed to the affair. Keeping these issues in mind will guide you as you address the real sources of the problems.

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Use each step below to guide your discovery of the true sources of problems in your relationship. The steps do not necessarily happen in order. However, each one is necessary and fundamental to the healing and rebuilding of your life together.

1. Apologies and Forgiveness

Before you can move forward, both people need to make the choice to remain in the relationship and work through things. It won’t be easy. It is imperative that the person who had the affair apologizes, and that the offended partner offers forgiveness.

The person who had the affair must offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must acknowledge the hurt and pain the other person is feeling. He or she must openly express empathy for the myriad emotions the other person is experiencing.

The person who was cheated on must forgive the affair. Research on forgiveness after infidelity shows that solidarity-oriented personality and perceived partner’s reconciliation motivation facilitate benign attributions and empathy, then facilitate higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which promotes emotional forgiveness. It’s this forgiveness that will allow reconnection to happen.

2. Commitment and Communication

Both partners must feel committed to each other. This commitment is significant as you move through the healing process.

Demonstrate your commitment of patience and time by listening to and openly communicating the “how” and “why” of the affair. Reassure each other that you will figure out how your relationship got to this point.

The goal is to discover the underlying factors and triggers that contributed to the affair. Some couples find the affair was a symptom of growing apart. Others find the affair stemmed from feeling disconnected and distant. Research reveals similarities among partners in recovery: frequent and quality communication, mechanisms for rebuilding safety and trust, and the importance of forgiveness, though partners’ experiences varied regarding responses to needs for comfort, their sexual relationship, and responding to reminders. Regardless of the reason, open communication and commitment to each other is necessary for getting to the root of what caused the affair.

3. Mourning the Affair

Grief and sadness are natural feelings after an affair. Experiencing and expressing the pile of emotions you’re going through is part of the healing process.

Allow the offended partner to express these feelings of betrayal and the emotional impact of the affair.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In the aftermath of betrayal, anger is often protective. It can create emotional distance when vulnerability feels too risky.”

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair.

4. Awakening and Rebuilding Trust

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair. In this stage, you will both awaken and recognize that the affair was a symptom of a problem, or problems, in the relationship.

As you work on repairing the underlying issues, you will rebuild trust and create a new sense of security and safety. Recent systematic research identifies five key themes for trust repair: proactive transparency, active monitoring, remorse and accountability, shared activities, and clear communication of reasons for the betrayal. Feelings that were never expressed may float to the surface. Issues that were never discussed will become a new part of the relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healing after infidelity isn’t about eliminating anger. It’s about slowing the intensity enough that grief, fear, and longing can be expressed safely.”

It’s during this stage that physical intimacy may be rekindled and emotional intimacy restored. The offended partner must feel reassured that he or she is still attractive and desirable to the partner who had the affair.

5. Reconnection and Acceptance

As you move into a stage of acceptance, the period of mourning your old relationship comes to a close. You’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your new relationship by learning from your mistakes. You’re ready to leave behind the relationship that once was, and to create a happy, new future together.

Clinical studies show that about 70% of couples report greater marital satisfaction post-therapy than they had pre-affair, having used the crisis as a catalyst to improve communication and closeness. It’s hard to recover from an affair, but with a lot of work, commitment, and dedication, your relationship can grow as a result of the experience. Once you’re able to move past the hurt and pain, you will have a solid, more evolved partnership. The work is well worth it, and partnering with a therapist is a great place to start.

Studies demonstrate that couples with a history of extramarital affairs show significant improvements during therapy leading to increased marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and forgiveness in the uninvolved partner, with many couples able to sustain these gains and preserve the integrity of their relationships.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2012). What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity? Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1494-1519.
2. Giacobbi, E., et al. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, Published online January 5, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
3. Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman method couples therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94.
4. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). Relationship satisfaction and forgiveness following infidelity: A longitudinal study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 45(3), 234-251.
5. Smith, J., & Taylor, M. (2021). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
6. Weiser, D. A., Shrout, M. R., Thomas, A. V., Edwards, A. L., & Pickens, J. C. (2023). Two decades of infidelity research through an intersectional lens. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 412-438.

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?

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These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.

You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.

I wish you both the best for your future.

Kind regards,
Lynn

Pop quiz: What do the moon landings, the JFK assassination, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks have in common?

Give up?

While each event touched the lives of millions of people and left indelible marks on American history, there is a third similarity: these events were all staged … or so some people who believe in conspiracy theories may argue.

Conspiracy theories posit that people, groups, organizations, or governments deliberately withhold or cover up the truth surrounding events and situations. While conspiracy theories typically lack the concrete evidence of more conventional explanations, they nevertheless exist and are upheld within a percentage of the population. Perhaps you’re not losing sleep over an alleged alien spacecraft hidden somewhere near Roswell, New Mexico or deadly diseases supposedly manufactured as a means of population control, but some people are convinced that those in authority are working together to conceal the truth surrounding certain events.

For some, there might be comfort in thinking they know something most people don’t, but that doesn’t mean the fringe is a comfortable place to be. For people who believe in explanations that differ from the mainstream or the historical record, their mental health may be called into question.

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Mistrust Isn’t Always Misplaced

There is a rich history of conspiracy theories in the United States, partly because its democratic society allows for free speech, partly because of its robust and shadowy intelligence community, and partly because, well, conspiracies in America have been uncovered before.

During the Cold War, for example, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) conducted illegal scientific research to see if it could control people’s minds. The CIA used LSD, hypnosis, and biological agents on people, often without their knowledge, to study how it affected their behavior. The program was conducted over two decades, enlisted the help of top researchers at more than 30 universities, and cost American taxpayers more than $20 million.

While to many people that may sound like a far-fetched idea cooked up on a conspiracy theory website, the program was called Project MK-ULTRA and was uncovered by an investigation headed by Senator Frank Church and Vice President Nelson Rockefeller in 1975.

People who are believers in conspiracy theories are correct in their assertion that things are not always as they seem.

Conspiracies and Public Perception

Conspiracy theories are often assumed to be the paranoid delusions of a troubled minority. However, a national survey published in April 2013 by Public Policy Polling shows that as many as 21% of Americans believe that an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, and that the government covered it up.

Some other results from the poll include:

• 5% of voters believe that Paul McCartney died in 1966
• 7% of voters believe the moon landing was faked
• 9% of voters believe the government adds fluoride to the water supply for sinister reasons
• 15% of voters believe that new diseases are invented by the medical and pharmaceutical industries for profit
• 20% of voters believe there is a link between childhood vaccines and autism

Although it can be assumed that some people who believe in conspiracy theories have mental health conditions that factor into their perceptions of reality, many people who can think rationally and whose mental health has never been compromised hold tight to conspiracy theories.

Why is that?

Cass Sunstein, a law professor at Harvard, former administrator of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, and author of Conspiracy Theories and Other Dangerous Ideas, said in an interview with U.S. News & World Report: “Under conditions of fear or anger, as for example following a bad event, people want to find a cause, and they also want to resolve their own uncertainty. So if you’ve seen an assassination, or a terrible economic downturn or a missing plane, there may be an inclination to posit an agent who’s behind it.”

Many conspiracy theories are created simply to explain things that may seem unexplainable. Some researchers believe they fulfill important social functions or psychological needs. They may give believers higher self-esteem by making them feel superior to others who think differently; they offer people perceived power over events in which they have no influence; and they can help believers make sense of trauma, tragedy, and catastrophe.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public. Also, it’s easier than ever to find people who share your views; conspiracy theories tend to spread easily on the Internet among like-minded populations that readily accept them. They can perpetuate good, bad, or indifference, depending on who receives them.

Building the Belief: Is It All a Conspiracy?

While many people tend to keep an open mind about major world events, someone who is labeled a “conspiracy theorist” may construct and maintain a worldview that is defined by conspiracies. He or she may display what psychologists refer to as a “monological belief system” wherein unexplained events are perceived as being part of a master plan. Alternative explanations are typically rejected outright. For some, conspiracies are seen everywhere, in anything and everything. In fact, one of the greatest predictors of whether someone will believe a conspiracy theory is if he or she already believes other conspiracy theories.

A study by Wood et al. (2011) illustrates that some who believe in conspiracy theories can even reconcile contradicting theories if there is coherence with a strongly held worldview. For example, the study showed that the more people believed Osama bin Laden was already dead when he was found by U.S. troops, the more they believed he is still alive. While the theories clearly contradict each other, both are consistent with the basic worldview that officialdom is fundamentally deceptive.

Studies have found that conspiracy theories are difficult to shed. If evidence to the contrary is presented, people who believe in conspiracy theories typically reason that the evidence was planted or invented to placate skeptics.

Skepticism is often warranted—in fact, it’s the foundation of the media’s role as a government watchdog. But when distrust of that media runs rampant, skepticism is compounded. When the facts are in doubt, people may be inclined to develop beliefs that fit self-serving narratives.

Calling someone a conspiracy theorist can serve as a social mechanism to discredit or exclude that person’s viewpoint. It is sometimes easier to call a person a conspiracy theorist than it is to address his or her questions and concerns, which may further isolate someone who believes in a conspiracy theory.

The Bottom Line

Although people who believe in conspiracy theories may be dismissed or derided by some people as “crazy,” the prevalence of conspiracy theories in American culture and the rest of the world suggests that most people who believe in conspiracy theories are not experiencing some kind of psychopathology. For its part, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders draws no direct link between belief in conspiracy theories and mental health issues. However, some people who believe intensely or even casually in conspiracy theories may also be experiencing mental health issues such as paranoia, schizophrenia, narcissism, delusions, anxiety, or trust issues that affect their everyday lives. Some of these issues have been found to be more prevalent among people who believe in conspiracy theories.

Most people who believe in conspiracy theories are harmless participants in a widespread social phenomenon, but how they act (or don’t act) on their beliefs can have far-reaching social consequences. For example, research shows that some populations who believe in conspiracy theories are less likely to use condoms, seek HIV treatment, take action against climate change, and vaccinate their children.

If mental health conditions are present that make it difficult to distinguish reality from fears and unsettling thoughts, therapy—perhaps in combination with medication—may help. If you or someone you know is experiencing troublesome thoughts beyond what you believe to be healthy, seeking the help of a mental health professional can be a great place to start. Therapy can help a person identify factors that may have contributed to his or her worldview, for better or for worse, as well as what type of treatment and support may be best for addressing any related conditions.

Labeling any person as “crazy”—regardless of his or her thoughts or beliefs—can result in negative effects. For example, calling someone crazy may cause emotional or psychological pain, contribute to the marginalization or dehumanization of certain individuals or groups, or exacerbate stigma surrounding mental health conditions.

References:

1. Douglas, K. M., Sutton, R. M., and Wood, M. J. (2011). Dead and alive: Beliefs in contradictory conspiracy theories. Social Psychology and Personality Science, 3(6), 767-773.
2. Morella, M. (2014, April 21). The Normal Life of Crazy Conspiracy Theories. S. News & World Report. Retrieved from http://www.usnews.com/opinion/articles/2014/04/21/cass-sunstein-explains-why-people-believe-conspiracy-theories
3. Project MKULTRA, The CIA’s Program of Research in Behavioral Modification. 95^th 1 (1977).
4. Rawlings, N. (2010, August). Top 10 Weird Government Secrets. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2008962_2008964_2008992,00.html.
5. Swami, V., & Coles, R. (2010). The truth is out there. The Psychologist, 23(7), 560-563.

Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying this pattern is more common than many people realize. There are varying opinions on why feelings and reactions evolve this way, but there are a couple of things that may be playing into it. First, the revelation of an affair is indication that your marriage is on shaky ground, and your increased desire for sex may be one way of “staking your claim,” consciously or unconsciously, and regaining the ground you feel you have lost. You may—again, not necessarily consciously—desire increased intimacy with your husband because you are afraid to lose him.

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Second, there are many people who, for various reasons, associate love with extreme emotions. When those individuals get into relationships that are relatively “easy” and “normal,” they can and sometimes do lose passion for their partners. When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—again, possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love. While maintaining passion is important for a relationship, it is also not reasonable to maintain high levels of intensity long-term. In the course of everyday life, over time, intensity may diminish and passion may wane. Part of the challenge every couple faces is how to have a strong, passionate union when life’s many demands creep in.

When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love.

During this confusing time, despite the intense feelings you’re having, you are asking yourself some valid and serious questions that deserve to be carefully examined before you make any rash decisions. While it is well within the realm of “ordinary” to have your passion reignited in a situation like yours, it is worth deeper examination to understand why you responded this way and if you want to continue this pattern. The other questions you are asking are also important to sit with; the trust in your relationship was breached, and that takes significant time and effort to repair. Are you both willing and able to do that? If you do choose to stay together and work things out, how will you deal with the dynamics at play and work to maintain passion without crisis? Another question that bears examination is if your relationship style is best suited for monogamy; it sounds like you both once enjoyed a more open or “swinging” style that inspired passionate feelings reminiscent of what you’re feeling now.

Your husband made his choices and surely had his reasons, and exploring his experience of this as well as yours in a safe, nonjudgmental, therapeutic space likely would serve him, you, your relationship, and ultimately your family. Your situation is complex, but there are many therapists who specialize in sexuality and relationship concerns. I strongly suggest you seek out a skilled therapist who can assist you in navigating your path, whatever you decide. Best wishes along the way.

Sincerely,
Lisa

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. I imagine you feel like you either have to be disloyal to your mom and tell your dad, or be disloyal to your dad and keep this secret from him. That is a no-win situation.

So, let’s look at it differently.

Relationships between intimate partners are complex, and your mom and dad will have to figure their own stuff out. Your mom’s choices about her relationship with your dad and the consequences of those choices really are between the two of them. I am not here to pass judgment about your mom’s apparent infidelity. I will say that her asking you to hold her secret is a betrayal of her relationship with you. It is part of the unspoken parenting contract that parents don’t put their kids in a position to have to choose which parent to betray or be loyal to. That’s not right or fair. It doesn’t matter if this was a one-time thing or a pattern of behavior—it’s not your role to weigh out the details and possible consequences.

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I suggest you have a conversation with your mom but, for now, leave your dad and his feelings out if it. Focus instead on what her request is doing to you and to your relationship with her. Asking you to hold her secret is asking you to carry the responsibility for her choices. That is a breach of trust with you that could have long-lasting implications. It cannot be your responsibility to cover for her, nor should it be your responsibility to inform your dad. This isn’t about you loving her enough to keep her secret; it is about her loving you enough not to ask you to. You cannot force her to own her actions. If, however, when presented with your feelings she still chooses to put you on the middle, you may want to ask yourself what you are protecting.

None of this is easy, so if you find yourself struggling, I suggest finding a therapist near you to work through some of this with. No matter what happens, having some support may be beneficial in helping you move past this.

Best of luck,
Erika

In today’s world, pornography use has become quite common. In fact, 40 million Americans are regular visitors to pornographic sites, 12% of all websites are pornographic in nature, and 25% of all search-engine requests are for porn. Does this high prevalence mean it’s OK? Does the fact it is common mean it is harmless? Does the fact it is widespread mean it’s all right for all individuals and couples?

If it is not OK with you, then it is not OK in your relationship. When one or both parties have an issue with pornography use, it needs to be addressed.

Most people I encounter in my practice for whom porn is an issue “discover” a partner’s secret pornography use. It’s not something they share together. Due to the fact it is kept secret, it’s typically toxic. Would your partner be doing this if you were standing right there? Would your partner be fine with you knowing? Do you watch pornography as a couples activity? If the answers to all of these questions are no, then the pornography is likely a problem in your relationship.

Of course there are relationships in which pornography use is mutually condoned and enjoyed. But if your relationship isn’t one of them, you might be thinking, “What do I do now?”

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If you feel like your partner’s pornography use is a violation of trust, like it is some sort of infidelity, or feel disgusted and hurt, try these suggestions:

1. Take a moment to process things. If you haven’t already had an all-out argument, take a day or a week to think, calm yourself, and prepare for how you will talk to your partner about this. According to John Gottman’s reseach on couples, the first few minutes of a conversation generally determine the outcome. Start your conversation right!
2. Remember: this is not your fault. Your partner’s pornography use likely is not because he or she finds you unattractive, and it is also probably not because you have been having sex less frequently. Multiple studies show that one consequence of frequent pornography use is reduced interest in sex with one’s partner. So you may have been having less sex because of the pornography—but probably not the other way around.
3. Ask questions about the pornography use. Attempt to have a mature and calm conversation about your partner’s use. How long has this been going on? How often does he or she look at pornography? What kind of pornography does he/she look at? Does he/she pay for it? Does he/she use interactive websites or passive videos? How does he/she feel about his/her use? Does he/she feel guilty? Does he/she say “it’s not a big deal” or “everyone does it”? What is his/her reaction to you knowing? Though it might be tempting to raise your voice, calmly tell your partner how hurt and offended you may be; try your best to simply gather information. This is the time to let your partner talk about what it means. You’ll get your chance.
4. Tell your partner what pornography use means to you. Talk about feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or shame. Talk about your insecurities. Talk about your fear that this will slide into another form of betrayal, secrecy, or sexual infidelity. Talk about how you may now be feeling pressure to perform in the bedroom, thinking that he or she will be comparing you to what he/she has seen. One study reports one of the most common negative results of pornography is women feeling that they must behave like porn actors and actresses.
5. Come up with a plan. Talk about where you go from here. Assuming it’s what you want, is your partner promising to quit? Is your partner defensive and feeling like he or she shouldn’t have to stop? Can you agree on a plan? If not, consider seeking a couples or marital therapist to help you come up with a compromise. Some people may say that they are willing to stop but find it difficult or feel compelled to look at pornography. If this is the case, I encourage seeking guidance from a therapist who specializes in pornography addiction.

Pornography use can be a sensitive topic for many because it involves intimate and personal acts. It can trigger insecurity, mistrust, anxiety, and depression. It’s OK if you are not OK with your partner looking at pornography. Just because it is common does not mean that you must be OK with it. Just as you have other rules in your relationship, talking about pornography use will help clarify your values as a couple and your expectations intimately.

References:

1. The Stats on Internet Pornography. Retrieved from http://thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/
2. Gottman, J., and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2013). The Empirical Basis for Gottman Couples Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/EmpiricalBasis-Update3.pdf
3. Kirkova, D. (2013). Vanilla Sex is OUT, Porn Addiction is IN: Disturbing Survey Reveals How Porn is Damaging Our Relationships. Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html#ixzz2OfMGpMJ6

First, let me applaud your courage in seeking out therapy and for reaching out to GoodTherapy.org with your question. It is no small thing to acknowledge that one needs help, so bravo to you for taking those steps.

Your question of how to open up to a therapist is quite common. Many people feel overwhelmed at the possibility of sharing their deepest, darkest secrets and pain with a virtual stranger. It seems especially frustrating when you are paying for the services but still can’t seem to open up. However, this is perfectly normal, and many people find themselves in that position. There are a few things that might contribute to this: you may not have developed the level of trust you need to feel safe with the therapist you are working with, you may be fearful of being judged by the therapist, or maybe you are afraid that opening the pain of the past might be too much to handle. There are many reasons for people not opening up in therapy, so I will give you some ideas on how to get things going.

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If you’ve ever heard the saying, “If something scares you, you must do it immediately,” this will sound familiar. You have to build trust with your therapist AND with yourself—with your therapist, you need to know that he or she has the capacity to hold whatever pain you might share, and you need to know that you can handle sharing your past without falling apart, losing control, or being overtaken. The best way to do this is by taking small steps. First, I suggest talking with your therapist specifically about your inability to open up. This type of honest conversation can be a bridge to building trust in other areas. Second, after having that conversation, intentionally decide to take risks and share honestly in your therapy sessions. Even if you don’t want to share the trauma of the past, you can say, “I’m really anxious because I want to share, but I’m afraid of …” Simply naming the anxiety when it appears can help clear the way through it.

Finally, many people are concerned that the therapist will judge them when they share openly. While I can’t say that there aren’t therapists who judge, they are firmly in the minority. Therapists generally hold a genuine space of empathy and high regard for the people they work with, knowing that each individual has had a unique “pain journey” and that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather of deep strength. Your therapist is a stranger only as long as you keep him or her that way. By taking small risks and building trust, you will deepen your relationship with your therapist, which will help your therapy progress.

You can make this therapeutic experience what you want it to be by taking ownership for how it has gone and making active choices in how to handle it going forward. I believe that you want this to work, and I believe that it will because you are willing to work. Best wishes in your journey!

Sincerely,
Lisa

Thanks for your question. Six years is a long time to be living with this kind of uncertainty! And not only is this situation more common than you might realize, but the concept of certainty, or security, is often at the heart of this existential dilemma—which is something all of us want and need, though it often proves elusive.

When we begin an affair with someone who is unavailable (via marriage or otherwise), there is certainty in the fact we definitely want him or her but can’t. This creates a very specific kind of focus around the question, “Will he or she leave or not?” If the answer is “yes,” very often it seems to be “evidence” of our worthiness: that we and not the other woman (or man) is the winner. We may start to feel resentful of our lover’s spouse, thinking he or she doesn’t deserve the one we love. There may be guilt, too, or most likely a mixture of conflicting feelings and desires.

Then one day it happens, and he or she is ours—except the imagined happy life we’d been yearning for isn’t exactly all that; it may even be more complicated, our feelings difficult to untangle. It’s common that, rather than wanting the partner to choose us, we find ourselves preoccupied with “proof” that the past will not repeat itself, that our beloved will not leave us for someone else.

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The reasons for this are varied, and some or none or all of what I’m about to say will apply to your situation. Take what you like and ignore the rest. But just know that this kind of thing happens more often than is discussed (for obvious reasons).

There is a safety (i.e., certainty) in becoming involved with someone who is unavailable; we can love while focusing on the wanting, rather than the vulnerability that comes with actual availability. I don’t think we’re to blame entirely; this arrangement usually fits a template of our early experiences where caregivers were sporadically or consistently unavailable. It is absolutely thrilling to be chosen over an “outside” person, in a reversal of what we experienced earlier, where caregivers appeared more interested in things besides us (another child or family, for instance), which of course is a terribly painful abandonment that follows us into adulthood in the form of insecurities, needs, hopes, etc. To be chosen over another appears to be a reversal of abandonment that lands us on solid relational ground at last. We can then finally create or co-create the well-founded home we have dreamed about.

But how solid is it? After all, we might then ask, “Well, if he or she left his/her spouse before, who’s to say he/she won’t do it again?” Behind or beneath this question are a slew of factors that I think may be worth some serious reflection, either alone, with a trusted friend, or with a counselor. I would suggest doing this before going to your husband to verbalize any concerns.

It can be disconcerting that certain fears never go away. We learn to live with them, tolerate them, but they can never be banished, especially if we experienced relational traumas early on, such as abandonment, neglect, or abuse. We may have felt unabandoned when he or she chose us, but the underlying fear—because it is rooted in our own histories and psyches—hasn’t been banished, leaving us to wonder if we may, in fact, be abandoned yet again. The “proof” we were seeking is not, it turns out, as iron-clad as we hoped; there are no guarantees he or she won’t leave us for someone else. (There is never such a guarantee, actually.)

The traumatized, wounded part of ourselves needs to be heard, and this is, in part, a way of announcing itself. The critical voice within may attack us (or our partner) for the “wrongness” of what happened (“how could you be so selfish or reckless,” etc); there may be guilt about how this relationship has come to be, but most often this, too, is connected to the terror of abandonment (i.e., a repetition of actual past abandonment), and our yearnings for connectedness are suddenly subject to self-doubt, and questions arise about whether we’re worthy of happiness. (“You’re not all that; you’re a cheater, too,” and so on.) Of course, certain qualities or behaviors of our partner may stoke these fears, but if we truly, at the core, did not trust this person, we would never have pursued him or her. These fears are spurred for the most part by the historical trauma I’m discussing herein. We may zoom in like a laser on possible “signs” of such abandonment happening and interpret them as such, stoking our anxieties, but the cause of it is usually a terror of yet another experience of being left behind.

It’s something of a cliché in our pop culture to believe that (as Sting once sang), “if you love someone, set them free.” But the existential truth, I believe, is that we really do have to give our partners the dignity of their choices, and your partner has chosen to be with you now. That same respect is due us, since I believe that the majority of us are not malevolent and are, in the main, doing the best we can. Why not give the relationship a chance? It probably has a better chance if you take the risk of trusting him; otherwise, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy where fear and anxiety suffocate any chance you might have. We can’t always help who we love; the point is to understand our choices rather than simply give them the thumbs-up or -down. I think the more important question is why we choose who we choose, rather than it being “right or wrong” (which only obscures the deeper issues).

Of course, once you have a clear sense of what those underlying motives are—once you understand what “your side of the street” looks like in terms of facing your inevitable psychological demons—then you might be able to reveal your vulnerabilities to your partner and verbalize what does and doesn’t help you in your personal quest for healing. (For example, “Do you mind telling me where you’re going for the time being? I appreciate you indulging me in this as I work on myself.” As opposed to, “Where are you going? Who are you seeing? What are you up to?”) Our partners can greatly support but cannot replace that healing process. In a way, we need these types of things to show us where the healing needs to occur. The danger is in expecting that a relationship can supplant past injuries. Vulnerability is inevitable.

Paradoxically, making peace with the worst of the past seems tied to a more secure future. Thanks again for writing.

Best wishes,
Darren

Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something other than yourself—is social superglue. It is the binding for the deepest love, the strongest friendships, and the world’s communities. Modern society is built on trust, and in the absence of trust, fear rules.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand how people with trust issues might have difficulty engaging in certain social contexts and leading the most fulfilling life they can. Some of the most common settings in which individuals display a lack of trust are in interpersonal relationships (romantic or otherwise), business dealings, politics, and even the use of technology. And with these different facets of life becoming increasingly interconnected, mistrust could conceivably spread from one part of a person’s life to another.

Where Do Trust Issues Come From?

Trust can take years to develop, but it can be destroyed in an instant. People who have issues with trust have often had significant negative experiences in the past with individuals or organizations they initially deemed trustworthy. For example, studies show that children of divorced parents and those from abusive households are more likely to have intimacy, commitment, and trust issues in future relationships.

While trust issues sometimes develop from negative interactions experienced during early childhood, social rejection during adolescence or traumatic experiences during adulthood can also lead to trust issues for an individual. Betrayal in the form of infidelity in romantic relationships can cause trust issues throughout a person’s life. Significant loss of financial resources or perceived injustice at the hands of authority figures can even cause strong feelings of mistrust toward institutions rather than people. The fragile state of the nation’s economy, for example, has resulted in many people losing trust in the banking system and government organizations.

In short, when a person’s trust is repeatedly violated, his or her belief system can be affected profoundly, causing future concerns with placing trust in people or organizations.

Trust Issues: Psychology and Common Beliefs

A person with trust issues may harbor negative beliefs about trust and may find themselves thinking limiting thoughts, such as:

“I can never let my guard down.”
“If I open up I will only get hurt again.”
“Everybody is out to get me.”

A person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a person’s way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.[fat_widget_right]

A belief system marred by violations of trust can significantly burden an individual both mentally and physically. Overwhelming anxiety and stress can easily become everyday companions, facilitating the gradual erosion of both mind and body. Thankfully though, these shackles need not remain forever.

How to Regain Your Trust

Before any issue can be resolved, you must first recognize that there is an issue. That honest admission will serve as the bedrock for all your endeavors to re-establish trust in others.

Many types of therapy will help people regain the ability to trust others, and, in fact, the therapeutic relationship itself provides an exercise in trust. With a thorough understanding of a person’s initial development and psychology, a qualified mental health professional can help an individual understand where his or her trust issues come from, and develop effective ways to foster trust in relationships, interactions, or institutions. During therapy sessions, sources of mistrust can be identified and properly addressed so that people are able to dispel or cope with future fears. Group therapy for trust issues can also be particularly effective as people undergoing treatment for similar mental health concerns can learn to build trust with the therapist and other members of the group.

Trust is vital for internal harmony and positive social functioning. The ability to effectively trust others helps people live happy, rich lives. As mentioned before, trust is the foundation of most healthy relationships, but sometimes that foundation is shaky because of events in the past. If you’re interested in working through past wounds that shook your trust or increasing your capacity to trust, consider seeking the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or other qualified mental health professional to begin rebuilding that important foundation.

References:

1. Bierhoff, H. & Vornefeld, B. (2004).The social psychology of trust with applications in the internet. Analyse and Kritik, 26(1) pp. 48–62
2. Covey, S.M.R. (2008). The speed of trust. New York City: Simon & Schuster.
3. Lewis, M. (2013). Trust issues among children of divorce. Retrieved from http://www.drspeg.com/research/2013/divorcetrust.pdf
4. Schaick, K. & Stolberg, A. (2001). The impact of parental involvement and parental divorce on young adults’ intimate relationships. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 36(1-2), 99-121. doi:10.1300/J087v36n01_06

Thanks for writing in. Gosh, I’m sorry you’ve been through such an emotionally brutal experience. I can’t imagine the blow of losing a girlfriend and an allegedly good friend at once, in this manner. It sounds like you had some suspicion that something was amiss, but when you asked your alleged friend directly, he lied.

I would not be surprised if you are experiencing some kind of posttraumatic stress from such an experience. Because relationships are so crucial to our sense of self and security in the world—especially intimate relationships—having our trust and emotional safety shattered in this way would naturally be extremely distressing and perhaps traumatic. Sleep, appetite, and other functionality is sometimes affected. Perhaps your other relationships are being affected, in terms of wondering who you can and can’t trust. Being lied to so baldly would completely scramble trust even in our own perceptions and sense of reality since what happened contradicts so dramatically what we thought we were seeing.

This may account for the self-blame on evidence in your question, when you “feel like an idiot” for trusting. That harsh self-condemnation is the result, I suspect, of trusting your own self-experience with people close to you—who often serve at least in part as reflections of ourselves, our sense of who we are and what we can have faith in—which, now shattered, leaves you with self-doubt over what you thought you were perceiving.

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However, you are not responsible for the heinous behavior of these two. Taking you at your word (and I see no reason not to), I see no trace of any reason for them to have treated you so shabbily. I imagine this to be another reason for the self-doubt and self-condemnation you express, because our loved ones are often mirrors for us: when someone we trust and love treats us badly, a possible instinctive reaction is, “What am I, chopped liver?” It sounds like these two colluded in deception and abusive behavior, and of course such betrayal would be intensely injurious to anyone’s self-esteem.

Of course, being a therapist, I am going to suggest therapy in the spirit of seeing this episode as trauma. Often, such experiences will revive historical doubts and losses or previous crises of faith, if we have had other betrayals in the past. I think having a safe place to vent and process all kinds of understandable emotional reactions could be quite healing. Rage, grief, shock, hurt, and fear of future betrayals are but a handful of the normal human reactions you might be having, and the safe space of therapy can provide an outlet. You may need to vent about this over and over for a long time, and this is OK; don’t worry about “boring” the counselor or therapist. These losses take time to process and heal.

You might also want to look around for support groups, even online. Perhaps there is a group, either locally and in person or online, that offers support for those who have been betrayed in this way.

Finally, I wouldn’t be in a super hurry to start pressuring yourself, or feeling pressure from others, to “forgive and move on.” Forgiveness is a more complicated subject than meets the eye, and often presented in highly idealistic terms. In principle, of course, it is a beautiful thing. But people often rush to forgive others for hurts that aren’t fully understood or acknowledged, even by the injured person; superficial forgiveness may be espoused while hurts and resentments unconsciously simmer and continue to impact the personality—exploding when the person is re-traumatized in parallel ways.

I am not “against” forgiveness, of course, and find it ultimately to be liberating (and probably necessary in the long run). But it is not as neat and tidy as presented on bumper stickers and inspirational Facebook posts. There is a nice saying from Al-Anon: “Acceptance is not approval.” One can accept what has happened, without acting vengefully and in a spirit of moving forward, but there’s something to be said for learning from harmful behaviors (dishonesty, selfishness), remembering so as not to repeat them. Sometimes others show us what not to do.

Thanks for writing, and I wish you the best in your journey of healing. I hope you find a girlfriend and friend who treat you with the honesty and integrity you deserve. I suggest you treat yourself as a very good friend who is suffering, which is more consideration than you received, sadly, from the two who betrayed you.

Kind regards,
Darren

I see it all the time in my work with divorcing people: the anger, bitterness, and frustration felt when one partner betrays or deceives the other with little or no remorse for their actions.

If you’re waiting for an apology or some explicit expression of remorse from your ex, pull up a comfortable chair and get ready to sit for a while. The ability to repent for an act of betrayal requires a level of evolution that most people never aspire to reaching. Saying I’m sorry means admitting fault, as does acknowledging that the action has deeply hurt another person. Both require courage and a deep capacity for empathy and compassion.

Waiting for an apology you may never get will keep you stuck, unable to move on with your life. When the need for an apology becomes connected to healing, the focus becomes your ex as opposed to yourself. It leaves you in a powerless place because you will never be able to will your ex into giving you what you so rightly deserve.

So the work for you becomes more about how to relinquish the need for an apology, accountability, or remorse, which will enable you to move on and begin picking up the pieces of your life.

Here are five steps to relinquishing the apology you’ll never get:

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1. Acceptance: Accept that life isn’t fair, that the process of divorce is riddled with inequities. Life, love, and relationships are not about being even, and you cannot make someone do something for you even in the name of love. Start to focus on how you can live with never getting the acknowledgment you deserve instead of what it means to not get it. This is one of the hardest things to do because it feels like the other person is getting away unscathed. Remember that this is about integrity; it’s not about who wins or loses.
2. Awareness: Awaken to the truth of the person you’re dealing with. If your partner shows little or no remorse, then they may possibly be lacking empathy. Empathy is a human capacity that makes it harder to hurt other people. You may not have noticed it until now, but if you think back, it may be that a lack of compassion and empathy is not out of character for your ex. Get real with your expectations, and open your eyes to the truth of who you’re dealing with.
3. Let go: Work on detaching emotionally from the expectation of an apology. Your need for an apology or remorse is directly connected to your emotional attachment, which makes it impossible to let go of the need to be acknowledged and honored by someone who has betrayed you. When your ex’s actions don’t matter and don’t define your experience, you are well on your way to letting go. Ask yourself if you want to be emotionally attached or if you would rather be set free from that connection. Meditate on how much energy you’re expending on this issue, and then come to terms with whether getting what you are hoping for would change anything for you.
4. Self-reflect: Sometimes, focusing on your ex’s actions (or lack thereof) is a way to move away from focusing on yourself. What can you take responsibility for, and what can you learn about yourself from this experience? Inner wisdom will allow you to rise above this petty situation, and you’ll feel empowered in your own process. Reflect on why you need an apology or to see remorse, and why that has become such a determining factor in your ability to move on.
5. Reframe: Your ex’s lack of remorse does not devalue your pain and suffering. Betrayal is not measured by the act; it’s measured by the pain it causes the person being hurt. Sometimes, we think the level of remorse equals the crime, but some people have horrible regret for even the most benign acts. Reframe your ideas about remorse and apologies as things to appreciate if they happen, but not essential to your process. A lack of an apology is more a reflection of the person not giving it than of the person who was wronged.