Perhaps youʼve come across one of the many articles or videos with titles like, “In Love with the Eiffel Tower”, or a recent National Geographic Taboo program called “Forbidden Love?” The topic is Objectum Sexuality (OS), a rare sexual orientation which includes affectionate, romantic, and sometimes erotic attraction and relationships with objects. The beloved objects can range from transport to landmarks, from sporting equipment to fisheye buttons.

Such stories may make us shake our heads and mutter, “How can this be?” Are these people delusional, or worse – dangerous? How seriously should we take these stories, and the people who are featured in them?

In April 2009, my interest in autism and Aspergerʼs Syndrome (AS) sexuality led me to contact OS-Internationale, an organization of people who have relationships with objects. I had read on their website that a number of the organizationʼs members reported diagnoses of AS, or showed significant autism traits (while other members simply identified as animists). After some correspondence with Erika Eiffel, one of the most influential and well-known OS activists, I volunteered to do a sexological survey of the membership, so that they could have data to offer other interested professionals, as well as journalists.

I didnʼt know it at the time, but the accumulated information kindly provided by the 21 English-speaking members of OS-Internationale granted me a perspective unique among sexologists and mental health professionals. I suddenly became “the” expert in Objectum Sexuality – though obviously OS people are themselves the true experts on what it is like to live and love in this manner.

The most startling finding, from my perspective, is how natural object relationships feel to those who have this orientation. Most of the people I surveyed rejected the idea of human-to-human romance, and many have never had a desire to experience it. Only two people reported having a sexual human relationship in addition to object loves.

Other findings: A history of sexual trauma does not seem to cause OS – only a couple of respondents reported abuse. And aside from Aspergerʼs Syndrome and autism diagnoses, one case of Tourettes, and two cases of PTSD – object lovers are a fairly balanced bunch. Though some respondents mentioned feeling anxiety and depression due to social ostracism, all but one person said they were happy with their orientation toward object relationships.

And itʼs not because object relationships are simple, either. These relationships include jealousy, breakups, and the heartbreak of unrequited love (especially when the object is an inaccessible public landmark or large piece of public transportation) as well as blissful love. Some people who love objects are monogamous, and others are not.

And when two or more people love the same public object, this too requires a complex negotiation within the human community. You can read more about this research in “Love Among the Objectum Sexuals” in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (vol. 13).

At first I saw autism as containing the most likely explanation for Objectum Sexuality – but this didnʼt account for the people who were adamant that they were not autistic! I knew there had to be some other explanation, or collection of explanations, to account for the feelings of “this is whatʼs natural for me!” held by so many OS people.

Then I happened across an article about object personification synesthesia and realized that if a person senses a pleasing personality in, say, a teapot – it is logical that a person may develop warm feelings for that object, and warm feelings may grow even warmer over time. Humans, being what they are, are capable of eroticizing nearly anything.

Interestingly, synesthesia is also known to be more prevalent among people with autism.

Voila! Object personification synesthesia emerged for me as an area of exploration! About a year later I followed up the first OS survey with a second, shorter one. Many respondents did report various synesthesia-like experiences, including sensing personalities in objects. I am convinced that this area merits more research. My modest (self-funded) efforts can only offer an intriguing glimpse into this mystery of love and brain function. A clever group of well-funded researchers could do so much more.

In the meantime, people who identify as OS have the same needs as the rest of us, and share much in common with other sexual and gender minorities. They need acceptance and understanding from informed helping professionals. They need help dealing with social discrimination, grieving, and all the usual developmental challenges we face in life. OS people ask for the same right to live and love as human-loving humans do, and for access to help as they need it.

OS people, and their lovers, may seem improbable to many of us. But it is my belief that they are not part of a circus side-show, far down the midway, but that they too are in the big tent of trying to make sense of it all. Their erotic and emotional preferences may be rare, but they are real.

As a sexologist, I see the need for professional training in understanding OS, and will begin to offer online classes on this topic next week. While you may never have an OS client yourself, I guarantee that making the effort to understand this group will pay off in expanding your concepts of love and  intimacy.

So, is it love? Or is it object personification synesthesia? My answer is: it’s most likely both.

Related Articles:

What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
An Introduction to Clinical Sexology
Writing Your Personal Manifesto

While there are a multitude of distractions and amusements available to anyone with a library card, it is not unusual to go through periods of boredom when not even the most scintillating book, movie, or conversation will sate the crankiness demon. At those times, it is best to stop whatever you are doing and simply sit with what is. Are you feeling annoyed, frustrated, agitated, sad, or self-critical? Welcome whatever comes up. Investigate it. Do something paradoxical and try to increase the feeling. This may sound counter-productive, but it will actually help you figure out what is going on. If you let yourself go deeply into your boredom the underlying issue will surface. Once it does, ask yourself how you want to handle it. Consciously choose to explore your thoughts and feelings though journaling, talking with someone (friend, relative, clergy, or therapist), or simply breathing, meditating, and allowing them.

Boredom is uncomfortable, and it is natural to want to banish it immediately. By exploring what is going on right this minute, you allow yourself to relax with what’s coming up. It is only a feeling. You have probably felt every emotion before, whether fear, joy, anger, love, anxiety, sadness, or grief, and you’re still alive.

Boredom is often a code word for something else. It seems to appear when your internal state is so strong that anything external loses its power to divert you. The irritability comes from wanting relief from those simmering uncomfortable feelings and knowing the only way out is through. When nothing feels right or good, just breathing can be a refuge.

No one likes feeling irritable, bored, or restless. Nor should you. Perhaps, the purpose of these annoying feelings is to wake you out of a funk. Sometimes, an unpleasant state of mind is necessary when routine ways of being and doing have sucked the novelty out of life. Variety does spice things up, and without it living can lose its luster. Whether it’s trying different foods, listening to new music, taking a drive to an unknown locale, or going to an art opening, mixing things up helps you thrive. In addition to creating new neural pathways, unpredictability and spontaneity create a sense of surprise and delight. Of course, it has to be the right amount.  Too much novelty and you feel groundless; too little and you’re bored.

Maintaining emotional balance is not easy. Life, with all its demands, intrudes on the best laid plans. So, boredom, restlessness, and groundlessness appear. Re-grounding yourself can be as easy as feeling your body sitting, standing, or moving, eating something mindfully, looking out a window and really seeing what meets your gaze, taking a walk, calling a friend, listening to music, writing in your journal, or anything else that uses some of that irritable energy. Even meditation, not an easy feat when you are feeling crabby, is helpful, since it reminds you this is merely a passing state you can label and release. Actually, you are not really releasing the state as much as your attachment to it.

Boredom, restlessness, and groundlessness are simply different terms for feeling temporarily stuck and uncomfortable. You will not stay in this state of mind. Everything changes, and that is what makes life so interesting. You never know what’s next. By sitting with what is, or actively shaking things up a bit, you practice mindfulness or self-determination. Sometimes, one will work better than the other. It’s always good to have a few arrows in your quiver since one day sitting with your feelings will be the right choice, and another day doing something proactively will work.

The following grounding techniques utilize your ability to actively focus attention on something external to distract you from whatever thoughts and feelings seem unpleasant, overwhelming, or boring:

• 5-4-3-2-1 meditation.  Wherever you are, notice 5 things you can see, then 5 things you can hear, and then 5 things you can physically feel. Continue with four things in each category, then 3 things in each category, then 2 and, finally, 1. Allow about 15 minutes to complete one full cycle. It is preferable to find new things, but not necessary.
• Another 5-4-3-2-1 meditation. Wherever you are, notice 5 objects, 5 colors, 5 shapes, and 5 textures, then 4 in each category, then 3, then 2, and 1.
• Think of all the vocabulary words you can remember from another language you studied.
• Recall your favorite foods, places you have visited, movies, books, or music.
• Recite a poem you memorized as a child.
• Describe in minute detail a mundane activity you do every day, like brushing your teeth: I pick up the toothbrush, I turn on the water, I wet the toothbrush, I put toothpaste on the toothbrush, etc.
• Imagine a time when you felt very safe and describe it in great detail, using all five senses.
• Sing a song.
• Build a sanctuary in your head. Add as much detail as possible.
• Focus on where your body is contacting the floor, a chair, or bed. Breathe into that place.
• Widen and stretch your fingers and toes. Relax them and repeat.
• Repeat a prayer, affirmation, or mantra. Use a rosary or mala beads to help anchor the repetitions.
• Count backwards by threes from one hundred.
• List how many things you can do, from the mundane to the most sophisticated.
• Play old car games in your head, like Geography (where you say the name of a place and use the last letter of that place as the first letter of your next one) or I Packed My Trunk and In It I Put an A (apple), a B (beta endorphin), a C (color wheel), to Z, going through the whole alphabet, starting from A each time you add another letter.
• Look out the window and notice subtle color differences in the sky, cloud configurations, trees and branches, or the various shapes and sizes of leaves.

Feel your breath. Remind yourself that you are alive, and whatever you are feeling is part of life. You are here to feel it all.

Related articles:
How to Use Curiosity as a Cure for Relationship Boredom
Boredom and the Longing for Connection
Learn to Sit with Discomfort in Your Life

I have a confession to make: I do not believe you can feel happy 24/7, any more than you can feel anything every minute for your entire life. We are designed to feel a broad spectrum of emotions because, so far, they have kept us safe and helped perpetuate the human race.

We all know how something that feels bad can actually redound to your highest good in the future. But, being the hedonists I think we are designed to be, we naturally avoid pain and seek pleasure. What if sitting with discomfort helped us make peace with it—increased our frustration tolerance and our ability to accept life as it is?

As Albert Ellis used to say, it is a choice between short-term hedonism and long-term hedonism. If we forego the pleasure of the moment, we can reap greater benefits in the future. In today’s society, delaying gratification is not popular; however, when we learn to sit with what we don’t like, we can actually build emotional muscle and handle the next challenge with greater ease.

When we feel anxious, for example, our first inclination is often for relief, which usually consists of avoidance. We can distract ourselves with TV, video games, pornography, food, alcohol, drugs (including prescription psychotropics), gambling, and other things that may create new problems; or, we can do the last thing we instinctively gravitate toward: sit with the feeling. Yes, just allow it. Breathe into it. Can you feel the discomfort physically?  If so, notice its characteristics. Is your breathing shallow? Is your back tense? Do you feel a headache coming on? Is your jaw clenched? Are your shoulders hunched up? Is your abdomen tight? Breathe into whatever you notice.

[fat_widget_right]Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. With practice, it may help you accept yourself and your reality. By resting in awareness, you stop fighting what is true for you now and open to the possibility that it is all OK. You can handle what you do not like.

Many intelligent and insightful souls—such as the Buddha, Ram Dass, and Eckhart Tolle—have encouraged us to be here now. That means being with whatever comes up. Your job is not to like everything, but to be aware and open. Luckily, this becomes easier when you remind yourself that everything passes—the pleasant and the unpleasant.

It is crucial to understand that the goal here is not to figure out why you are feeling what you are feeling, but to stay with the discomfort. You may even want to cultivate some curiosity about what you are feeling.

Granted, mindfulness practice is counter-intuitive, but when you are fully in the moment, you can relax into what is. Resisting your feelings often increases them and their power. No harm will come to you if you embrace your feelings, though it may be uncomfortable. In time, you may notice a feeling or sensation and, rather than avoid it, you can label and accept it. Another great benefit of this practice is that by gently and lovingly accepting where you are, you may become more compassionate with yourself and others.

Impermanence is the name of the game. Nothing lasts—good or bad. You may not care to remind yourself of that in the middle of an ice cream sundae (though it might make you more appreciative and increase your enjoyment), but it is helpful to remember when times are tough.

Once you allow yourself to be with what is true for you now, remember this quote from Haruki Murakami: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” By resisting the urge to rate your feelings—or yourself as bad for having them—you will begin to know the peace that comes from acceptance, and your discomfort will not morph into suffering.

Here is an exercise to help you on your path to emotional freedom:

• Consciously stop yourself a few times a day to do an internal check.
• What am I feeling now?
• Can I allow this feeling, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, without trying to repress it or distract myself from it?
• Stay with whatever comes up, especially if you don’t like it.
• Try to label what you are experiencing. For example: tightness in the throat, muscle spasms in the low back, tension in the jaw, etc.
• Name your emotions as if you were simply observing them—anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment, grief, etc.
• Breathe into any area of discomfort, and keep drawing your breath there until you feel it relax.

You can immerse yourself in Buddhist thought by reading books by Pema Chodron, and listening to podcasts on iTunes, such as: “A Quiet Mind,” “The I.D. Project,” or interviews on Sounds True.

Reference:

1. Murakami, H., & Gabriel, P. (2008). What I talk about when I talk about running: A memoir. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

You’ve sat comfortably on your therapist’s couch for six months talking about everything under the sun; how you prefer to do your laundry, how nothing is ever good enough for your spouse, how irritating your mother is when she compares you to your older sister, how traffic makes you crazy.  You feel comforted, your feelings validated, your motivation lifted.  You walk out of there, pensive yet energetic, ready to face any challenge.  You feel like you are moving toward your goals with more clarity.

Then one day, it happens.  You’re feeling more depressed than usual, and you go to therapy.  As you talk about how sad you are today, you see a new look on your therapist’s face as she begins to ask you probing questions about your past.  You remember the first time you ever felt this sad, and the floodgates for unhappy memories are opened.  You begin to feel more depressed.  You feel quite horrendous, actually.  You feel like getting out of there, but your therapist encourages you to stay in your horrible feelings and explore them further.  The whole thing begs the question; “Why do I have to talk about this?” This is the first time you looked at your watch in session thinking, “Is this over yet or what?”

That day as you drive home from your session you begin to wonder how much therapy is really helping you, why you even decided to go in the first place, or perhaps that you really don’t need to be spending all this money on it when you could get massages instead and feel great every time.  You don’t feel the usual sense of clarity and optimism that you usually do after session.  Instead, you go home and take a long nap, more depressed than ever.

This is a common experience among therapy seekers.  At the six month mark, things begin to become difficult in therapy.  After six months to a year of consistent therapy, you and your therapist have developed a deep and strong enough relationship where he/she will begin to explore the more painful and therefore, more challenging to access material in your psyche.  Bad memories may start to surface, and emotions that pervaded your past may begin to show themselves again.  Believe it or not, this feeling like crap is a good thing!

Talking about painful material in therapy is beneficial because this brings the material into the present where it can be looked at and understood.  This is the time to feel uncomfortable so that your therapist can perform the psychological surgery that needs to happen for you to feel better later.  Draining an infection is never pleasant, but it is necessary.  Once the painful memories are out in the open, they begin to lose their power.  You feel less burdened by them as your therapist will help you carry their weight.  Verbalizing the emotions and sensations you feel as you remember helps your brain to better process the information, helping you to feel differently or change your perspective.

Much of how we feel, think and behave in the present relates back to the experiences we have already had.  Understanding the pain you carry, and why is an important tool for your therapist to have when working with you.  This enables your therapist to change how you feel, by understanding the root cause and then taking proper treatment channels.  These most unpleasant moments in therapy are the real work, and facing them is your most rewarding challenge.

The most common question I get in my work and sometimes from my friends is “Am I an alcoholic?” This is usually followed by “Does this mean I have to go into rehab?” or “Will I ever be able to have a drink again?”

I believe that treatment for addiction should be individualized to take into effect each person’s individual needs, complexity, and readiness to change. Every case is different. Sometimes the answer is undeniably complicated. I was trained to apply systematic screening and assessment in order to determine if alcohol abuse vs. dependence is present based on Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria and make treatment recommendations based on the American Society of Addiction Medicine placement criteria.

But sometimes I encounter cases of addiction that do not fit anywhere. After the tragic death of Amy Winehouse, there was a lot of speculation online—even by professionals in the addiction field—as to who was to blame. There was actually one article I read that seemed to imply that if she had been able to drink in moderation maybe she would still be alive. I honestly cannot comment on that either way.

Understanding the Harm-Reduction Model

I will say the harm-reduction model of treating addictions is not popular among people who advocate for abstinence as the only acceptable treatment outcome and people who support the 12-step program approach. Having worked at a methadone clinic for years and witnessed powerful positive change, I am not a big fan of one-size-fits-all treatment approaches, nor am I into labeling.

I have found one view on addictions very helpful for people who do not seem to fit the traditional medical model of addiction: the Stanton Peele approach. Here’s a summary of his view on addiction:

“Addiction is not unusual, although it can grow to overwhelming and life-defeating dimensions. It is not essentially a medical problem, but a problem of life. It occurs for people who learn drug use or other destructive patterns as a way of gaining satisfaction in the absence of more functional ways of dealing with the world. Therefore, maturity, improved coping skills, and better self-management and self-regard all contribute to overcoming and preventing addiction. Addiction is a way of coping with life, of artificially attaining feelings and rewards people feel they cannot achieve in any other way.” —Stanton Peele

[fat_widget_addiction_right]Of course, I think harm-reduction does not work for everyone. In fact, it can be detrimental to one’s recovery. But that’s a subject for another article. One area I find Peele’s theory to be applicable is in explaining how addiction and intimate relationships are so closely interconnected.

Jim always ends at the bar drinking after a fight with his wife. Anna’s drinking always gets out of control after a break up. John had experimented with pain pills on and off in college but did not get addicted to them until after the devastating loss of his long-time lover and best friend. Travis’s sex addiction gets worse after feeling rejected by a love interest.

In the words of one of the people in my therapy sessions, “I was lost before I found love. I was on a path of self-destruction with drugs, alcohol, and women; but with my wife I have found what I was always missing. I have been clean and sober since. Now I’m high on life.”

Addiction As a Way to Respond to Unsafe Relationships

By unsafe, I don’t mean physically violent—although that is the most obvious case. Unsafe means threatening to the ego as much as threatening to the body. What I’m talking about here is emotional safety. When we feel loved, accepted, nourished, protected, and part of someone else, we feel safe. That safety is often threatened when we feel unloved, not cared for, betrayed, lied to, yelled at, abandoned, neglected, rejected, and violated.

To understand where we are going, we have to understand where we came from.

Safety and the Primitive Brain

Let’s start with the evolution of the brain. In the base of our brain, we have the reptilian brain. We share this part of the brain with animals including alligators and lizards. The reptilian brain takes care of those things we don’t usually think about: heartbeat, digestion, and breathing. It also is concerned with survival, and if it’s dangerous, it will help us respond in one of five basic ways: fight, flight, freeze/play dead, submit, or hide. I also view these as the five basic survival skills of couples. Couples may fight, flee (leave), play dead (stare right through their partner), submit (OK, whatever you want, just stop the nagging!), or hide (go to another room).

On the other hand, if the reptilian brain is safe, we will do one of five things: play, nurture, mate, work, and be creative. Remember when you first met your partner? How you played, nurtured each other, and had more sex? Do you remember being more creative and productive at work?  As animals evolved, a second part of the brain developed called the mammalian brain. This brain developed when animals began to live in groups and take care of their young. This is the part of the brain where feelings are stored. That’s why most animals experience some feelings and live in groups.

Several million years ago, a third part of the brain developed: the cerebral cortex. In humans, this part of the brain is five times bigger than the other two parts combined and is where all logical processes happen: speech, writing, logic thinking, math, etc. The three parts of the brain work together simultaneously. If a tiger is coming at you, your logical brain says, “That’s a tiger,” your mammalian brain says “I feel scared,” and your reptilian brain says “Run!” or “Freeze!”

But in relationships, it is often hard to articulate or identify who or what the “tiger” actually is. We know something is not right, and we are left analyzing the behaviors we can clearly see but can rarely understand. How is it, for instance, that when Jim and Linda fight, he ends up getting drunk at the bar even though he knows that is not going to help the situation at home but only confirm Linda’s insults?

Sometimes fighting, fleeing, or hiding involves addictive behaviors—particularly sexual behaviors, but also gaming, internet addiction, and alcoholism. Often past experiences with these behaviors make a person more susceptible to restarting (if they have stopped) or increasing the frequency of these behaviors. This explains why people engage in addictive behaviors even against their logical thinking. It appears that the primitive reptile brain has taken over the cerebral cortex. This is why people logically know it doesn’t make sense to engage in behaviors that often make the already troubled relationship even worse. They are “thinking” with their primitive reptile brain, which often means they are not actually thinking at all.

Sometimes we are not simply chasing a drink or a drug. Sometimes using is a maladaptive way of coping with unsafe relationships. In this case, treatment should focus on the relationship and reestablishing safety more than on changing addictive behaviors themselves. I have found that establishing safety and learning to evoke mental images of safe places/mental states is crucial in learning to calm oneself and coping with highly stressful situations, which in return helps the addictive behavior dissipate.

In my opinion, this should also be the main focus of relapse prevention in more traditional addiction treatment.

References:

1. Clifford, R. (n.d.). From Reptiles to Humans: A Three Brain Odyssey. Retrieved from http://www.starchiefpress.com/articles/article42.html
2. Luquet, W. (2007). Short-term couples therapy the Imago model in action (2nd ed.). New York: Routledge.
3. Peele, S. (1990, March 14). Cures depend on attitudes, not programs. Retrieved from http://lifeprocessprogram.com/lp-blog/library/cures-depend-on-attitudes-not-programs/

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine,  because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

• Take care of you when you’re sick or old.
• Tell you the truth.
• Treat you kindly.
• Be faithful.
• Keep your secrets.
• Honestly, and with compassion, share most of their thoughts, feelings, and personal information.
• Listen to your thoughts, opinions, and concerns.
• Have your best interests at heart.

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.
2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

• Patiently accept your own pace as you move forward in your journey.
• Take responsibility for yourself emotionally, financially, physically, socially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually.

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming, helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.

I am half way through the year-long Level 1 of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) training. IFS is a psychotherapeutic modality used for helping people and their therapists understand and solve the problems that bring them to therapy. And IFS helps make sense of the seemingly irrational world of eating disorders. I’d had some exposure to and experience using IFS prior to enrolling in the training, but the training is giving me a broader and deeper understanding not only of IFS, but also of how we humans work. I’m finding the process exhilarating!

IFS has little to do with families in the conventional sense. It’s based on family systems theory, which is based on general systems theory. Systems theory is a way of conceptualizing and understanding how living things work via understanding the interdependence of living things, e.g., an ecosystem. Any given group of people unconsciously operates according to the rules that govern all systems. Family systems theory, the basis of my field of study and licensure, provides a means of understanding how and why people develop certain problems. The problem is regarded as a symptom of imbalance within the family system, and an attempt by the system to correct that imbalance, given the circumstances. IFS, in turn, focuses on our internal systems, which operate internally as a family operates externally and as do all larger systems.

The basic concept of IFS is that we all have many different parts of ourselves. These different parts have different perspectives and thus often have different beliefs and goals. Poet Walt Whitman was referring to this innate multiplicity when he said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”

How often have you found yourself saying, “Part of me knows I should do ‘X’, but another part of me wants to do ‘Y’,” or, “Intellectually, I understand ’Y,’ but emotionally, I feel ‘Z’.” This is our instinctive awareness that we don’t operate as a unified whole. Yes, we contradict ourselves, and this is normal!

There are several different models of therapy that involve working with different parts of self. IFS focuses on the naturally protective function of parts of ourselves, and what those parts are trying to protect us from. There is no such thing as a bad part. When I first learned about IFS, this idea resonated with me because many years ago, long before I knew that I would one day be a therapist, I was seeing a therapist who said, “I believe that people are self-protective, not self-destructive.” I learned from her that even when we do things that are bad for us, our original intent is to protect ourselves from emotional discomfort or pain. And when it comes to disordered eating, protecting one’s self from emotional pain becomes the number- one priority. Undereating, overeating, purging, exercising compulsively—these behaviors are intended to increase pleasant feeling states or decrease unpleasant ones. The longer one relies on these behaviors, the more complicated things become, because more parts get involved.

But where does this pain come from? When someone with anorexia feels anxious if she eats a normal amount of food, how did she come to acquire this anxiety? She would say that she is worried that the food is turning into fat, or that she’ll never stop eating. But why would she worry about such things, so much so that she denies herself the necessary food for her well being? Undereating is a behavior of a part that wants to protect her from the anxiety, no matter the cost to her health. What this part doesn’t know is that the anxiety comes from another part, and that the part that holds the anxiety is probably a younger part, a part that has memories of and emotions from experiences of long ago. For example, this part may hold memories and pain from things like hurt and shame due to being rejected by other kids, or of fear of not being loved by a parent because the parent put so much emphasis on her getting straight A’s that she came to believe that this was what made her loveable, to experiences involving verbal, physical or sexual abuse. These parts are referred to in IFS as “exiles,” and it’s the job of protective parts to keep these younger parts, well, exiled.

This is why simply trying to change eating behaviors won’t work in the long run. As long as the internal system is arranged in such a way that some parts are keeping other parts exiled in order to protect the person from pain, any behavior changes will be superficial and temporary. Some protective parts are really good at making rules and like to be good students and will follow an eating plan and work hard in therapy, but eventually, exiled parts will get triggered and the parts that engage in eating disordered behaviors will come to the rescue.

So, how to get out of this predicament? IFS also focuses on our true, core Self, which is not a part, but rather an essence. And distilled to its simplest form, IFS says that healing comes when we connect to parts of ourselves from Self. Self is, by nature, compassionate and curious and non-judgmental. When protective parts are seen and heard by Self, they can lead us to the exiled parts. When exiled parts are seen and heard by Self, they can get unstuck from the past and healed. And a trained therapist can guide the process of connecting someone with eating problems to his or her disordered eater parts from his or her Self, engendering not just behavior change, but true healing. Ultimately, all parts will reside with one another and Self in harmony. Yes, we are multitudes!

If you read last month’s blog, Creativity vs Shadow, you will remember a brief mention of Deepak and Gotham Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes. In the book Chopra identified shadow as a “force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive and/or self-sabotaging if it remains unconscious”. Shadow is difficult to recognize because left to it’s own devices it remains unconscious. Shadow is a zapping energy that lurks in the area of emotional suffering caused to oneself or to another. The concept can be broadly applied to families, groups, religions, governments, countries, etc. if we consider them bodies of energy.

It is often easy to recognize someone else’s shadow energy because it is not unconscious to us. It is recognizable it in the behavior of someone who is ‘acting out’ or conversely, someone who appears emotionless. Pointing out someone’s shadow is often met with resistance because shadow is tenacious. It develops as a coping mechanism over time. It pulls vital energy to it to enforce its stronghold.

Shadow is often the very issue that brings someone into therapy, although they may not recognize that aspect of themselves when they begin therapy. They come to therapy because they are suffering in some way and are looking for relief. Often therapy provides relief by helping people to understand their part in their own suffering and to develop new strategies to cope with their emotions.

Art therapy is a powerful tool for helping to get in touch with shadow. Art therapy brings images out from the unconscious to the surface where they can be experienced and felt through the senses and processed verbally. Creative arts therapies can include painting, drawing, collage, movement, sound, video, performance art, writing, dreams, digital media: such as dating profiles, pornography choices, avatars, gaming environments, etc.

Therapists often try to help clients to transform their emotional suffering (shadow) into well-being (freedom) through awareness and change of behaviors that do not ultimately serve their goals. Many of the blogs here on Good Therapy.org provide examples of shadow work. For example: Darren Haber, MFT, Addictions & Compulsions Topic Expert Contributor wrote about The Abused Husband a topic that is gravely under-reported. In Haber’s scenario, the most obvious example of shadow resides with the abuser. The abuser often does not know how s/he gets caught in the cycle of abuse that often escalates and can become very dangerous. The abused person on the other hand, not only suffers the abusers wrath but s/he is not able to understand how to stop the cycle of abuse by recognizing their complicity in it. I realize that my statement may jar strong reaction. Abuse is a dynamic between people. Darren Haber’s blog also contains a subtle example of shadow in the Abused Husband scenario. It resides with the onlooker who “even pumped her fist happily as she watched the woman slapping her partner.” Shadow is present in any violent act, or superficial judgment against another. In this example the onlooker’s shadow was triggered. It is particularly difficult to unravel a dynamic of abuse when it involves people whose lives are closely bonded.

Shadow is the part of the self that most humans get glimpses of but ignore or deny in favor of a self-perception that is ‘inflated’ or in some cases ‘deflated’ by ego. Neither ego inflation nor ego deflation can be sustained without some form of destructive result. For example: Jim Hutt, Ph.D., Family Problems Topic Expert Contributor too Good Therapy.org recently wrote in his blog, Resentful Compliance vs Commitment about a relationship where one person is “resentfully compliant” by doing what their partner wants, while they are “resentful about doing it”. Resentment falls to shadow. The resentful person may say to themselves, “oh, it doesn’t matter that my partner is getting their way again, it’s no big deal”, (ego deflation) when in actuality, resentment grows into a big deal because their true feelings are denied. The result can often be passive-aggressive behavior. The other partner may think that there is nothing wrong with being persistent and that getting their way is a sign of strength (ego inflation). Oftentimes that ego inflation comes out of a profound fear and vulnerability. Most of the time, without realizing how they are complicit in the toxic environment of the relationship both parties continue to project their emotions out onto the other.

In therapy, the therapist encounters shadow in the painful experiences that their clients share. The therapist and client build a safe relationship where shadow can be explored. Shadow is very difficult work because of resistance. The outcome of examining oneself and facing what has happened in one’s life, however, gives a person freedom to create change and use the wealth of energy that was tied up in shadow.

Imagine a life where you are continually tormented by an inner dialogue that screams of your worthlessness, your hideous appearance, and your pitiful, meaningless existence. Imagine a life where you mange your day solely around food, either by avoiding it, getting rid of it, or consuming as much of it as you can. Imagine spending your birthday in a psychiatric ward, perhaps too sick and too weak to even stand up on your own. And now imagine that there is a very strong part of you that wants to be worse. This is the horrible trap of an eating disorder.

One of the most difficult aspects of eating disorder treatment is the mind-boggling fact that those suffering would often do almost anything to cling to their disease. As much as part of them wants to be happy and healthy and free from the constant torture, there is another part, often referred to as “the eating disorder self”, that convinces the sufferer that they will be nothing without it. When your eating disorder becomes your identity, medicals markers used to gauge its severity, such as amenorrhea (absence of menses in women), or the body mass index scale, are looked upon as levels of achievement. When you’re trapped in this mindset, worse really does seem better.

Throughout the years that I struggled with anorexia, I used the presence of my period as a way to prove to myself that I was still safe, that I still had weight to lose. Some individuals will stop menstruating fairly quickly after substantial weight loss, others, myself included, can maintain dangerously low weights yet continue to menstruate. I remember my therapist and my doctor both diagnosing me with anorexia nervosa, but I had seen and memorized what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders said about anorexia. I had to lose my period to be “officially” classified. The diagnosis went in my charts nonetheless. Yet, I had this strange longing to fit the bill, to really be able to call myself anorexic, because it meant that at least I was doing something right. If I failed at everything else in life, at least I would master my eating disorder. I would be the best anorexic I could be.

I  wanted to be the thinnest in the room, the sickest, and many times over I did hold that title. It became my prize, my sense of accomplishment. I became quite accustomed to the label “skinny, blonde girl.” Anorexia became my identity and when recovery (and the inevitable weight gain) threatened that, I would panic and slip right back into the disordered behaviors. Who would I be without it? I needed this disease to survive, or so my eating disorder constantly told me.

It is a very sick way of thinking, I know, but I also know that I was not alone in thinking. I have spent a great deal of time among other eating disordered individuals, and there is a definite cognitive pattern when it comes to symptoms and diagnostic labels. In short, it seems the worse you are, the better you feel. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard people with bulimia wish they had the “control” of their treatment peers with anorexia, and those who compulsively overeat long for the ability to easily purge like those with bulimia. There is an unfortunate perceived hierarchy among patients, with the “purity” and “cleanliness” of anorexia appearing to outrank the “hedonistic” behaviors of bulimia or compulsive eating.  But in reality, they are all equally serious, and all deadly. Whether you’re starving or stuffing or purging, your eating disorder is a distraction, a desperate attempt to control the un-controllable.

Eating disorders, in general, are very control-focused. Whether it’s an attempt to control anxiety, or anger, or relationships, they trigger and feed off of the  competitive and perfectionist personality traits that many sufferers share. I thought that if more control equaled more medical complications, so be it. But the crux of the matter is that sufferers inevitably reach a point, often quite quickly, where the lotus of control shifts completely out of their hands, and into the hands of the eating disorder.

It’s too hard to battle an eating disorder alone. Reaching out is the first step in successful recovery. Share your secret with a trusted friend or family member. Even that act of sharing a secret can often relieve some of the pain. Seek professional help. There are people who have been in your shoes and are willing to guide you out of the darkness. Hope is real. Recovery is real.

Group therapy can be the most nurturing and also the most challenging form of therapy. It is highly effective. While it doesn’t replace individual therapy, it can be a great adjunct and a final step in the healing process.

Group therapy is very relevant for survivors of childhood abuse and in fact for any traumatized individual. Isolation and separation from communal support is a primary characteristic of trauma, and that is exactly what group therapy provides. Enduring recovery cannot occur in isolation, it can only take place within the context of relationships. The group serves as a symbolic societal witness to each victim’s experience, as it is retold and relived in the group process. Fundamental societal functions – being made to feel safe and seen, sharing emotional distress, validating one’s experience, minimizing shame, recognizing and encouraging strengths and taking personal responsibility are now played out within the group interaction. The successful group environment provides a corrective emotional experience in which past dynamics of self-blame, lack of trust, and silencing of the victim will be evoked and then worked through. These groups offer a quality of support and understanding that is simply not available in the survivor’s regular social environment. (more…)

Manifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives.

As a long-time yogi, I have been setting an intention before my daily practice for more than 10 years. Perhaps it was this habit that prompted me to write my first manifesto in 2004. Gathering healing thoughts and wishes into one short document was enlightening, centering, and deeply positive. Since others have found this process helpful, I wanted to share the method and some suggestions for possible inclusion in your own manifesto.

Guidelines for Writing Your Manifesto

Let it flow. In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you start to write anything is let it flow. As you allow thoughts, feelings, and ideas to take shape on the page, give yourself the gift of writing without interruption. That means both carving out a little time for yourself and not stopping to edit your words. You can revise and rewrite later on.

Brainstorm. Write the word “manifesto” in the middle of a blank page and let your mind wander. When an idea pops into your head write it in a circle around that central word. Then, focus on each word and write what comes to mind in a line branching out from it.  That may be enough for one day. If you feel like continuing, focus on any word or concept that speaks to you, and think of your wish for your own growth, development, or peace as it relates to that idea.

[fat_widget_right]Daydream. Recent studies show that encouraging your mind to wander in what appears to be an aimless manner actually generates creative solutions to problems and is just as valid as any other kind of “work.” If you regularly keep a journal, or a dream journal, you may find rereading entries gives you plenty of fodder for your manifesto.

Let go. If you have a health issue, you might explore ways to be more comfortable with your body. Think of phrases that help you let go of preconceived notions about your health, and accept things as they are because you can be sure they will change. In situations you can’t control, it is often best to find power in letting go, and allowing what is to be exactly as it is.

Build resilience. During a particularly difficult transitioning period, you may want to focus your intentions on building resilience. Certain life events—such as becoming a parent, taking a job, or moving—naturally inspire new thoughts and wishes. Let your mind wander, and imagine ways you would like to be in this stage of your life. If you are working with a therapist, there may be recurring themes you want to address.

Whether you try some of these suggestions, read the examples below, or just start writing, it is best to remember your manifesto is an ever-changing, fluid document meant to support you on your journey to your truest self. It is not a rigid set of rules or “shoulds” to encourage negative self-talk or critical self-evaluations. Let your imagination run wild. Think of how you would like to live your life, and write what comes from that deep, all-knowing place.

Here are some ideas to stoke your creative process:

• I embrace my humanity and fallibility.
• I appreciate every goodness and kindness in my life by practicing gratitude.
• I allow my body, mind, and spirit the time and space to heal.
• Every day, I make time for self-reflection.
• I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.
• I get outside and let nature work its magic.
• All I seek is already within me.
• I tenderly acknowledge the small, vulnerable child in myself and others.
• I surround myself with beauty.
• I give my body the movement or stillness it seeks.
• When I feel hopeless, I let myself take another breath until despair departs.
• I regularly tune in to nourish any areas I have neglected, whether social, creative, physical, spiritual, or intellectual.
• I acknowledge my losses and grieve, letting go when the time is right.
• I cultivate patience during the fallow times, for they nourish and prepare me for a bountiful harvest I may not be able to see in those dormant, but fertile, moments.
• Every day, my heart opens a little more with compassion for myself and others.
• I allow myself to feel and express all emotions.
• I carefully and authentically share my truth.
• When I say or do something insensitive or thoughtless, I apologize.
• I take all the time I need to be with grief, hurt, and anger, knowing they will pass.
• Appreciating my unique gifts comes easily and naturally to me.
• I rise to the joys and challenges of each day, knowing I have made it through every one, so far.
• I allow life to unfold and surprise me.
• I welcome the rhythms of my body, mind, and spirit as they continually evolve.

I recently ordered Deepak and Gotham Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes on my iPad. I haven’t been this excited to read something since I read Carl Jung’s book The Archetypes many years ago.

Both books address the archetype of  “shadow.” Both Chopra and Jung describe shadow as a force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive, and self-sabotaging when it remains unconscious. Shadow is that part of the human condition, that most mortals attempt to ignore or deny in favor of a self-perception inflated or deflated by ego, neither of which can be sustained without some form of self-destruction. We see this in the lives of adult politicians, entertainers, and sports heroes who have been in the media lately for crimes of passion, adultery, and exploitation. The denial and repression of shadow has allowed ego to “act out” in blatant ways. Because shadow was repressed they thought they would never get caught or that they were somehow above the laws that govern the rest of us. Denial of shadow sets humans up to be destroyed.

In Chopra’s book, “shadow” is explored through the journey of the superhero. The superhero wrestles with the forces of good and evil. In doing so, the superhero recognizes that he or she has a shadow that possesses some of the very qualities that their enemies possess. The superhero embraces their shadow by getting in touch with it, bringing it to consciousness, developing compassion for themselves and thereby others, all in the mission of transforming dark, evil energies into creative, light energies of consciousness.

Jung explored the context of “shadow” through mythology and dreams. Mythological and dream characters, like superheroes are removed from mortal boundaries and expectations. They exist in landscapes where anything is possible. Joseph Campbell identified distinct steps of the Hero’s Journey that can provide a metaphor for our own life’s struggles. Metaphor can penetrate resistance and help us to gain insight into our experiences because the hero’s journey is one we can relate to and learn from.

Like many of us, the superhero often comes from a life of adversity. Chopra wrote that shadow can be found thriving in “abject conditions such as poverty, poor leadership, an ‘us versus them’ mentality, repression, deprivation, social injustice, torture, self-righteous morality, suppression of desire, fear, and conflict.” He goes on to explain, that the “shadow energy within us is destructive, divisive, and self-sabotaging.”

Chopra identified shadow as the “diabolical part of our soul.” How can we recognize our shadow? Shadow usually lurks behind our criticism of others. It is that nasty voice that identifies and picks at other people’s flaws. The funny thing is that the flaws that we see in others are often the same flaws that we ourselves possess. It is much harder to recognize this in ourselves but often easily recognizable in the folly of others. For example, have you ever heard someone who is very annoying because they never give anyone else a chance to talk, complain and go on and on about someone they encountered who does the very same thing? That is shadow, the super-villain, making an appearance.

Chopra says that we can see our shadow when we are in the light of consciousness. But first we have to recognize our shadow behavior before we can bring it into the light of consciousness. Once it is conscious we have power to choose to “act out”–meaning to continue destructive behavior that cuts off a vital source of creative energy–or to consciously stop “acting out” and transform the energy for a healthy, well-balanced existence. If we choose to do nothing, shadow will pounce when we least expect it and throw our lives into chaos and suffering.