Well, maybe not real fireworks. But according to MeiMei Fox—a speaker, depth psychotherapy life coach, and author of a recent article—feeling as if fireworks are exploding is one of the 10 sure signs that you’ve found your true love. Fox, who has had her share of failed relationships, worked with her new husband to come up with 10 signs that partner is Mr. or Mrs. Right:

1. Sexual attraction: Even though fireworks may eventually smolder, sexual attraction to your partner is a must and serves as a foundation for love, honesty, and intimacy.
2. Authenticity: Partners should be comfortable with each other exactly as they are, with no pressure to act like someone they’re not.
3. Commitment: If one partner is not able to commit wholeheartedly to the relationship, it could mean they have doubts. Commitment is at the core of a true loving union.
4. Honesty: There is no place for secrets in the most important relationship of your life. “When it’s true love, you should find yourself wanting to share everything,” Fox says. “Your love is made simple and true by being honest.”
5. Unity: Each partner must put his or her needs behind those of the relationship. As the old saying goes: “There is no ‘I’ in team.” True love is about teamwork.
6. Priority No. 1: The relationship should come before anything else. The love you share with your soulmate should be the most valuable thing in both of your lives, and you should stay committed to letting nothing get in the way of working toward and sharing in its success.
7. It’s romantic: Relationships should not be all work. They should be fun, and each partner should be living in the fun of the relationship rather than talking about the relationship and its problems.
8. Your friends are happy: People sometimes worry too much about what their friends will think of a new love interest. Fox agrees that outsiders may be able to see things in your partner that you can’t. When family and friends like the person who makes you happy, it’s a good sign.
9. You want to be home: Looking forward to returning home to the arms of your partner reinforces that you’re with someone you love, value, and enjoy being with.
10. Having that lucky feeling: Fox says that she feels as if she’s won the lottery every morning she wakes up next to her husband. Although that might not happen all the time for most people, you can be pretty sure you’ve found a keeper if you feel darned lucky that he or she found you too.

Reference:
Fox, MeiMei. 10 Signs You’ve Found “The One” (n.d.): n. pag. The Huffington Post. 12 Sept. 2012. Web. 12 Sept. 2012. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meimei-fox/10-signs-youve-found-the-_b_1870841.html

As people age, they face challenges that they may never have experienced before. Loss of friends due to death, loss of independence as a result of diminished income, and loss of physical health can all create significant stress in a person’s life. The way that people choose to cope with that stress is directly related to the skills they learned throughout their lives. Attachment styles developed in early childhood can dictate the response people have to a variety of stressors, including ones encountered in later years. Additionally, an individual’s ethnic origin influences how he or she will respond to stress at various stages. To better understand how attachment style affects coping and overall well-being in older adults and what role ethnicity plays, Eva-Maria Merz of the Netherlands Interdisciplinary Demographic Institute at The Hague in the Netherlands recently conducted a study of 1,116 older adults from varying cultural backgrounds.

The participants, which included European Americans, African Americans, Eastern European immigrants, and Caribbean immigrants, were examined to determine how attachment style affected their well-being. Specifically, Merz looked at secure or dismissive attachment styles in comparison to avoidant and fearful attachment styles. “As expected, secure attachment and dismissive attachment were associated with greater well-being, whereas ambivalent/fearful attachment was related to reduced well-being in this older cohort,” said Merz. The link between secure attachment and positive well-being was most evident among the Caribbean and African American participants and weakest among the other two groups. When she looked at avoidant/fearful attachment styles, Merz discovered that it negatively impacted well-being in all the ethnic groups with the exception of the Caribbeans.

The results of this study support previous research highlighting the importance of healthy attachment styles on well-being. This new evidence extends the existing data by demonstrating that attachment styles are especially important in later life when unique challenges arise. Further, attachment styles are influenced by ethnicity. Taken together, this information provides new insight into the underlying factors that contribute to the general physical and mental health of older adults and should be considered when implementing interventions to help older adults cope with life’s stressors.

Reference:
Merz, E.-M., Consedine, N. S. (2012). Ethnic group moderates the association between attachment and well-being in later life. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029595

Related articles:
Patterns of Attachment in Adults
Individuation Issues with Elderly and Ailing Parents
The Importance of Attachment in Early Caregiving

I was talking with a new client and he was telling me about his temper when he gets mad and what consequences he receives. As he was talking, he stated, “when I’m bad…” and continued the conversation about his consequences. When he was done, I asked if he thought he was a “bad” kid. He said no. I was glad to hear that because I think overall, we are inherently good. Yes, there are people out there who would fit more in the “bad” category, but that is not what is being addressed.

As parents and disciplinarians, we try to shape our kids to make wise decisions so the negative consequences can be few or needed when necessary. When a kid gets angry and has tantrums and it happens over and over, it can be very frustrating to deal with. When the kid understands the consequence of his behavior but continues to still get angry and throw tantrums, parents may not be sure of what else to do. Parents slip. Teachers slip. The slip is telling the child that he is “bad” even though the behavior that he is doing may be more the focus of “bad.” I do not think that parents or even teachers slip on purpose and telling the kid that he is “bad,” but we are human and make mistakes, and it happens. Repeating this slip impacts the child’s self esteem. Over time, these children may see themselves as “bad” because they keep repeating the “bad” behavior, receiving the consequence, and having parents become frustrated, and a negative self-image begins to form. I know that is not what we as parents want for our kids. We want them to have a good sense of self and know what is “bad” behavior. So, how can this happen?

Here’s an idea: How about getting away from “bad” and “good” behavior. I know it’s hard to do because “good” and “bad” has been around for a very long time; it’s habitual and creating a newer way can be difficult.

What I am suggesting is to name what is “bad.” For example, your child is hitting a younger sibling because the sibling did not want to share a toy with the child. Instead of saying, “that’s bad,” point out that “hitting is bad.” Tell the child, “It’s not okay to hit when you are angry.” When we point out the behavior that is not okay, it helps us to not get into the “good” versus “bad” cycle. Another example: When your child is sitting on the floor and waiting patiently and you tell him “good boy.” Point out the WHAT that he is doing: sitting and waiting patiently. When he knows what he is doing that makes him a “good” boy, he will be able to associate that behavior in other areas and he will know he is doing well.

Objectifying the behavior takes away the “good” or “bad” titles, which decreases the opportunities for us parents to accidentally say that the child is “bad.”

Remember when your child was a baby and you were telling him what type of person he was going to grow up to be? If not, it’s okay. What I am getting at is when a kid is younger, parents may encourage the child a little more than at an older age. We encourage young children to try new foods, feed themselves, and use utensils, and we teach/show them how to do it then praise them for what they learned, even if it may not turn out well. Somehow as the child ages, the cycle of “good” or “bad” begins or replaces the encouraging aspect of parenting. Yes, kids do need to know right from wrong AND they still need to know that they are capable of doing great things.

Objectifying the behavior can help start a different way of helping your child to know how to make healthy choices. Continuing to encourage your child to try new things or to keep trying something can also help. Asking children what they think about their behavior and maybe what they could have done instead to not receive a consequence can also help. The asking can help your child learn how to see the cause and effect of a particular behavior. This can be a great learning and shaping tool for preparing the child to see more cause and effect as he or she ages and matures. Reminding the child that he or she is a wonderful child, has great possibilities, and is loved unconditionally can also reinforce a positive sense of self, regardless of whether the child has made a mistake or chooses wisely.

The goal of parenting is to help shape a child to have a good sense of self, to know how to behave appropriately, and to be able to self correct or recognize when he or she does not make a good choice. When the “bad” behavior is directly addressed, it takes away from parents accidentally slipping and saying that the child is “bad” when the focus needs to be more on the actual behavior.

It takes awareness and practice to create a new way of responding. Hopefully, this article will enlighten and small steps can be made to get out of the good/bad cycle and help the child to still have a good sense of self, even when he or she makes a poor choice.

Related articles:
Temper Tantrum Behaviors
Building Self-Confidence From the Ground Up
Adolescent Consequences, 100% Natural and Organic!

How many times have you found yourself in the situation of being worried or anxious about sharing a part of yourself with others? Too often we’re forced to choose one part of ourselves that we want to share over another part that might be equally as important. This can be extreme or subtle.

For example, teenagers who are both gay and Christian might feel like they can’t be both at the same time. These conflicting identities create a bind for them. At church the young person might be given a very direct message that being gay is wrong. For these teens they know that if they want to celebrate their Christianity with their community, they need to pretend to be straight. Gay community can be equally as complicated. After years of oppression from churches many people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer have struggled with Christianity. In this situation these teens might not feel able to express their strong religious beliefs within the gay community. For them, there is no place where they feel totally accepted, totally themselves. This example of split identities is very clear; however, sometimes the ways in which we’re forced to hide parts of ourselves is much more subtle.

In my work, I frequently find men who are struggling with a conflict of identity around gender and gender role. What happens when a straight man has interests or beliefs that are labeled as feminine? For example, if he doesn’t want to fight or he prefers conversations with women over watching sports with men. In our culture there is an assumption that men are going to act masculine. Often men are forced to hide parts of their identity that are not seen as masculine enough. This identity bind is much more subtle but still painful.

We face situations like these every day. Our identities have many facets including our ethnicity, race, religion, and sexual orientation as well as other ways we define ourselves, such as pacifist, good listener, or caregiver. Each of us has parts of our identities that we feel comfortable sharing with strangers and other parts that we only want to share with friends. There are things we are proud of and things we are ashamed of. Our identities are multidimensional; they have many layers and many meanings. Sometimes these identities are hierarchical, and one identity may be more important than all of the others. Understanding what our own multidimensional identity looks like can help us in those moments when not sharing our full self makes us feel invisible.

How do you introduce yourself to someone new after you tell them your name? In the United States we often use our professions to describe who we are to other people, “I’m a teacher/lawyer/electrician/therapist/writer.” As a culture we put a lot of value on employment and jobs, so much that sometimes our jobs become our identities. If you could describe yourself to a stranger as something other than your occupation, what would it be? Maybe it would be a description of an important relationship, such as “I’m a dad/mom/sister/uncle/grandma.” These are only two ways in which we might identify ourselves.

Take a moment and list the first five of your identities that you can think of. What made the top five? Are you surprised at any of the ones that are there? Are there any identities missing that you wish were on that top five list? And are there any identities on your list that you have felt you need to hide?

Being proud of ourselves is often much harder than it sounds. We live in a world filled with expectations, some spoken and some unspoken. But just because a part of our identity can’t be seen does not mean that it’s not there. It does mean that you might have to work a little bit harder to give it it’s time in the sun—to find a safe space to share the parts of you that feel invisible. Finding these spaces is an important step towards integrating our identities and feeling whole.

Related articles:
Gender Rules: How Does That Make You Feel?
Learning How to Support Gay Students
The Tiger Hunter

Saturday April 28^th was my 11^th Ocha Birthday. That is to say it was the anniversary of my initiation as a Yoruba/Lucumi Priest  of Obatala (April 28, 2001). To me, it’s as important a date as my natal birthday. Traditionally, to mark the anniversary, we purchase food and cook for the Orishas (the divinities we worship), read each Orisha we have with Obi (4 quarters of coconut), and generally strive to have a peaceful and meditative day. Sometimes, if possible, we open our homes to other Orisha Priests to come and salute our Orishas and to offer their blessings. Since I was in a somewhat isolated location, I chose to spend the day with only one other person (my significant other).

My experience on the day of my anniversary was a very positive one. The Orishas were basically happy and were satisfied with my offerings of fruit, candy, and in some instances the food I had prepared for them. One or two wanted a bit more but nothing complicated.

Spending this day basically on my own, taking the risk of reading my Orishas on my own (previously I always had someone else do it) was a real boost to my confidence. I also prayed and sang and felt the presence of spirit. It reaffirmed for me that I was truly blessed. I felt truly grateful that the Orishas had guided me to them and had chosen me as their child.

Now I know this must sound kind of confusing to many of you; maybe even a little bit alarming. My religion is virtually unknown by many if not most Americans, despite the fact that there are millions of observers worldwide.  But my specific belief system is not the point of this article.

What I have in my life at this time in my life (I’m an Elder) is a solid foundation of faith, which is something I have never had before. I trust in the divinities to guide me, and I do what they say as I learn through divination. I feel protected and held. I have support and love that is unconditional. The Orishas are patient and giving as long as you are respectful and follow their advice (if you don’t, there can be consequences).

What this faith has done for me after decades of psychotherapy is help me heal. In treatment I gained a great deal of understanding, and the relationship with my therapists was healing in itself. There is great value in it. However, it was and is my faith that has taken me to the next level where I was able to finally forgive those who had wronged me; where I was able to either let go of or moderate my fear; and where I was able to accept myself and others as I am/they are.

For most of my life, psychotherapy was my higher power. That is different now. As I observe the patients I treat in my practice, I see that those who have some spiritual connection are those that make the most significant and lasting progress. Those that are what I would call spiritually bankrupt struggle the most for the longest.

People come to me knowing of my dual credentials as Psychotherapist and Ordained Yoruba/Lucumi Priest, and even though we talk about the issues and problems of the day, I believe some at least are seeking help in connecting to their spiritual selves. When they state this outright, I work with them on this. Otherwise, I am very patient.

Related articles:
Part 3: Source Energy Optimizes Life—Escalating Source Energy Through Trauma Resolution
Spirituality and Therapy: Opening the Portal with Prayer
Turning It Over

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. -Dalai Lama

In life we encounter many different experiences. Some are joyful and uplifting, and others are painful and challenging. When we encounter joy, there is a yearning to have it last forever, but when there’s pain our first reaction is to avoid, ignore, or push it away. When we react to joy or pain with any form of resistance—clinging to joy, pushing away or ignoring pain—we suffer. What helps us walk through our suffering and the suffering of others is to become aware of when we are reacting to pain and learn to transform this reaction into a compassionate, caring response.

Cultivating a Compassionate Response

My first encounter in learning to confront suffering with compassion was many years ago, when I held a position as an intern at a center for survivors of domestic violence. In this environment, I learned a great deal about extreme suffering, as the women I encountered lived in a hostile, aggressive, and sometimes dangerous environment. In the beginning I felt overwhelmed just trying to learn how to help people deal with life-threatening, painful situations while remaining objective. Working in this setting was stressful, and I recall leaving the center in tears as I watched clients return to hostile and oftentimes dangerous situations. It brought up deep feelings of helplessness, frustration, and judgment.

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In helping these survivors, my initial reaction was to try and fix, change, or in some way rescue them. This was a reactive response as I was trying to get the pain (theirs and mine) to subside, and guess what? It didn’t work! It only increased my own feelings of helplessness and didn’t create the supportive, compassionate environment that promotes healing and empowerment. Luckily, I had a compassionate, patient, and wonderful supervisor who taught me that providing a nonjudgmental presence, connecting with an open heart, and having compassion towards the person, and myself, as I listened to their stories was what healed. This meant I had to let go of trying to control the outcome and allow myself to be present with their pain and my own. It was a growth experience that continues to help me in my professional and personal life.

Opening Heart and Mind Helps Connect and Heal

Running groups for survivors of domestic violence, I hear stories about physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. These stories are traumatic and heart-breaking. They all share a common theme of fear, loss of identity, and confusion. The shared experience of having to set aside their needs in an attempt to meet the needs of a controlling partner, whose wants and expectations are insatiable and unrealistic, left them with a sense of low self-worth, shame, and suffering. What helps them heal and become empowered is their ability to let go of judgment, share their stories in a supportive environment, and learn to develop a practice of self-care and compassion.

What Gets in the Way of Compassion

As we travel through life we will encounter pain. It might be through the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or recovery from a severe illness. Or perhaps it’s the small stuff that brings up feelings of shame, inadequacy, or worthlessness. When this happens, the tendency is to get lost in judgment; we beat ourselves or others up in an attempt to stop the pain. This only intensifies our suffering. Caught in this reactive response we forget that there’s a real need to treat ourselves with kindness, love, and compassion. When we turn towards suffering with compassion it helps us heal and reconnect with life.

The Practice of Compassion

In helping people learn the skill of transforming reactivity into a compassionate and caring response, I use the example of a hurt child or a pet. I ask them how they would help a child who is sad or a pet that is hurt. What would that response look like? They usually state they’d give the child or pet a hug and comfort them with kind words or a gentle touch. Our deepest need, when we are in pain, is compassion; this is what helps us heal. It is not a luxury, it’s a necessity! This turning towards pain, with an open heart and the intention to heal, is what helps us to live life fully.

Developing Self-Compassion

Becoming aware of when we are reacting or in any way judging ourselves is the first step. The second step is to become present with how our bodies, minds, and hearts are responding to the experience of pain. Setting an intention to be kind towards ourselves and let go of reacting is what helps us to connect with compassion.

The following are some steps you can take towards developing a caring and compassionate practice:

1. Awareness is the first step! Notice when you are reactive or triggered. Your body sends signals when reactivity happens. You might feel blood rushing to your face or a tensing up of the hands or body. Your breathing may be shallow and your thoughts may be filled with judgment.
2. Connect with the present moment by letting go of thoughts and focusing on the sensation of the breath as it comes in and out of your body, or focus on feeling the ground beneath your feet. This helps to slow down reactivity and calm the mind.
3. Place your hand on your heart in acknowledgment of the difficulty you are facing in this moment. Imagine the placing of the hand on the heart as symbolic of opening the heart to compassion or sending healing to the hurt place inside.
4. Visualize yourself held or embraced by a spiritual figure or someone who loves you.
5. Allow yourself to take in the healing sensation of compassion until you feel calmer and more connected to the present moment.

When we allow ourselves to care for ourselves and others, it is a profound act of kindness that refills the heart, energizes the body, and nourishes the soul. In that moment of opening our hearts to self and others, we recognize the immense healing power of compassion and reconnect with life and love.

May you be free from suffering.

May your heart be filled with compassion.

After 5 years of sobriety, in 1985, I began to notice a pattern in my sexual relationships: Even if I really liked someone, I couldn’t go more than 3 months before my attraction to them fizzled. I would then find some reason to end the relationship, although I never really understood why, and it made me feel bad. Thankfully, while I was leading a weekend retreat on Spirituality in Recovery, one participant pressed for bringing the subject of sex into the process.

Although I was unprepared, it gave me the opportunity to address the issue, and I shared my struggles with the group. When I asked if anyone else identified with the issue, all hands went up. I immediately felt a sense of relief, having previously thought I was uniquely flawed. And then I felt angry that no one had told me about this before, which launched my enthusiasm to shift the primary focus of my work. I began to create healing techniques for underlying trauma and sexual challenges.

The sexual-spiritual split, a deep psychic schism within almost everyone, prohibits loving relationships from forming and enduring. The chasm between sex and love, caused by generational, cultural, religious, and early programming, planted seeds in our unconscious that makes merging with another virtually impossible without the specific healing that new perspectives and experiences can offer.

In the previous article (Part One), I describe the subtle powers of Source Energy, our innate intelligence, to direct us forward. I have chosen sexual healing as the next pathway for expanding our access to Source Energy, although there is no particular linear course. Sexual energy, primal and fundamental to our nature, fully awakens our sensorial nature that always knows our best next step in life. A shift in perspective in our relationship toward the life force in sex can expand our Source Energy.

Like most of us who grew up in the Western world, I internalized sex and all references to it as shunned experiences to keep secret. Many of us received discordant messages in our formative years: love, family, and good deeds provide a happy, acceptable life. Conversely, anything having to do with sex, or even our bodies, was cloaked in a wall of shame and secrecy. While experiences vary, our collective consciousness suffers from this split, locking us out of our own rich, informative, multidimensional sensuality.

There are five key elements to dissolving the sexual/spiritual split:

Shifting Concepts: S.E.X.

Our erotic energy pathways have suffered trauma and distortion. To heal those wounds by utilizing expansive Source Energy, we must gently put our old concepts about sex aside. Most of us never developed a healthy, conscious context for having erotic pleasure. We clumsily fall into sex, gradually shaping ideas about it from what we have observed, and from our own, perhaps awkward, experiences.

When barriers dissolve, we are more likely to have more of what could be called “sacred” or “transcendent sex” and an openness to meaning and purpose for all types of lovemaking, including with ourselves. In paying attention to old sexual identities, we can rediscover, or in some cases reinvent, a new meaning of sex. Our willingness to detach from outdated conditioned thinking is the foundation for transforming sexuality to the sacred.

To help us step out of the cultural box, my partner and I created the abbreviation, S.E.X., for Soul Energy eXchange. It suggests we can choose to enlighten our sexual experiences by focusing on energy that comes from our souls, not just our bodies, and thereby designing a new outlook on pleasure. For those who are willing, it does take a bit of work. It’s rare that I’ve met anyone with an ongoing rich and fulfilling sexual life who did not have to go back in their history to create new contexts for their erotic experiences. But the payoff is huge.

S.E.X. Primary Energies

There are four primary forces in Erotic Ritual’s Soul Energy eXchange (S.E.X.): love, pleasure, lingam, and yoni, which are Hindu Sanskrit terms for penis and vagina. Though lingam energy is typically male identified as drive, pursuance, initiation, and aggression, it’s an energy shared in both genders. Yoni energy, feminine, receptive, creative, and artistic, is also found in both sexes. Love is an energy transmitted from the heart. It can be felt through hands of a lover or from a father or mother to a child. It is gender-neutral. Love means losing ourselves in the beloved. Pleasure takes many forms, but erotic pleasure can be defined as stimulation of the pleasure centers of the brain through visual and tactile stimulation. While some have a low threshold for erotic pleasure, others may find everything erotically pleasurable.

The kind of love we are exploring is the love that moves us to listen and intuit what our lover wants, to care about the other person’s needs. It is best to have the constant energy of love as the foundation for everything in life. The energy of love can be triggered by the energy of pleasure, but it is at its greatest when love is present first.

We have all experienced limiting conditioning in the expression of our lingam and/or yoni energies. Most of us experienced some sort of trauma that blocks our love and pleasure energies as well. Unlocking trauma and toxicity of shame and melting frozen erotic energies are pathways to the sacred. Judgment- free experimentation, using all four of these soulful forces, leads us on a path to the divine, to earth energy, and to a greater connection with the universe.

Perhaps more than in other rituals, through Erotic Ritual we learn that we are all expressions of a much larger source of communal energy. It melts barriers and we feel less isolated. Notice when you are having an erotic experience there is always giving and receiving of energy. Sometimes it’s reciprocated or sometimes one is consistently giving or receiving, and either is fine. Allow yourself to be really present in any prolonged erotic exchange and you will find yourself in a circle of energy. (The yoni expression fully experiences the lingam expression, and vice versa.)

Sexual Concerns

The very private issues that people have shared with me about sex have ranged from not feeling that they are desirable, to experiencing a sexual apathy, erectile and/or orgasmic dysfunction, or feeling detached from a loving partner. Sometimes it’s an obsession with body parts that they just don’t like or think something is wrong with.

Many people carry much the same type of burden, sometimes silently. The principles of Source Energy can have a very beneficial impact in renegotiating and resolving these hardships. With the right resources, including therapy in some cases, the barriers to erotic fulfillment will dissolve, creating possibilities for a blissful engagement with one’s self and with another.

When the sex in a monogamous relationship is unsatisfying, a substantial foundation is at risk. If the condition lingers, with sex becoming almost nonexistent, then the relationship is compromised. Often couples aren’t equipped with the tools to communicate sensitive issues. Their avoidance, sometimes lasting years, continues the downward spiral. Addressing these problems with the assistance of Source Energy can enhance those very skills.

Happily, mine is a loving, growing, and sexually fulfilling relationship, lasting many years. All of our efforts have paid off. Creating sacred time and using it for shame-free sex while opening our hearts, along with taking responsibility and respecting ourselves, have all been key. Sexual loving intensifies consciousness and pure love. In that vast, nurturing ocean there is no ego, nothing to defend, only a sense of just being and connection.

Communication in these sensitive areas can at first feel like hard work. With practice, it eventually becomes quite natural. When my partner and I explored having a committed relationship those many years ago, my primary request was that our sexual relations be the first priority in our union. Even in a number of long-term relationships I’d been in there was the sex-spirit split, along with undeveloped communication skills, causing sex and sensuality to wither. They were left with a sense of deadness in a potentially thriving relationship.

Instead, having made the commitment, we began a life of focalized conscious S.E.X. Expansiveness and sexual gratification became a planned, sacrosanct part of our time together. While it might seem to defy spontaneity, let me suggest that there is a significant payoff. Respecting existing realities—being tired, stressed, too busy, or distracted—doesn’t mean spontaneity is stifled. Rather, without earnest communication of our needs and desires, or without planning, we cannot build rich, enduring erotic lives.

Sexuality, Higher Consciousness, and Fantasy

Although it could feel clumsy, it is crucial to learn to express what we need and desire, as well as what we fantasize about. I like to call it reclaiming adolescent awkwardness, to allow people to go where it might be difficult, in order to heal the sexual-spiritual split, a requirement in forming intimate relationships that are authentic.

In sexual counseling, many are curious about where their fantasies come from, often feeling shame for having them. I tell my clients good fantasies are like rainbows, mysterious and beautiful, sometimes fleeting, and they are to be respected. Their origins may vary from abuses early in life to Freudian, or they may relate to recollections of pleasure from our past. Sometimes they mysteriously come from no conscious recollection whatsoever. Focalizing Source Energy filters the shame out of our fantasies and allow us to fall more deeply in love with ourselves. Self-love is essential to grow in sacred sexuality. Having fantasies doesn’t mean we’re bad or that something is wrong with us, as we don’t have to act on them. Only shame is Godless. Removing the shame from our fantasies transforms them, and that contributes to keeping a long-term relationship sexually alive.

Natural Resistance to S.E.X.

With all our knowledge we still encounter resistance to a loving fusion of our sexual and spiritual energies. The delicate nature of exploring repressed sexual history is likely to trigger that very resistance. When we appreciate the essence of our resistance to removing shame, our fantasies can be an entryway to joyous energetic harmony, where we can experience full-body orgasm along with deeply felt spirituality. Full-body orgasm refers to a burst of the four energies in S.E.X. that can take over every dimension of our physical and subtle energy being. When this happens, we can experience expansiveness and sometimes formlessness that is sublime. It is a full-body encounter that is uniquely restorative when we feel depleted and deeply relaxing when we are tense.

If we can consent to the reality that energy and its many vibrations and frequencies make up our physical reality, we can learn new skills to heal, with an efficient pathway to our inner wisdom. When we energetically experience resolution in our bodies from sexual barriers, we land in the divine center of Source Energy. As we tap into it, the more it begins to lovingly lead our lives.

Related articles:
Part I: Source Energy Optimizes Life – Finding Source Energy
What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
Fanning the Spark of Sexual Passion

Value affirmations, also known as self-affirmations, are positive assessments of one’s abilities, traits, and personality qualities. Value affirmations can increase self-esteem, self-worth, and fulfillment of one’s needs. When an individual recognizes their own worth and has a strong sense of identity and autonomy, they are more willing to help others meet their needs. This relationship between self-worth and prosocial behaviors has been examined in the past, but until now, few studies have looked at the effect of value affirmations on prosocial attitudes in adolescents. Sander Thomaes of the Department of Psychology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands recently conducted a study that sought to determine if subtle value affirmations could have a short-term and long-term positive effect on adolescents’ prosocial behaviors and attitudes during the crucial years of identity formation.

The participants were required to write down things that they felt were positive attributes about themselves. They were instructed to identify traits or skills they had and briefly write about them. Six weeks later, the teens were again required to acknowledge their positive traits during a booster exercise. Three months after the first writing exercise, the researchers noticed that the participants who practiced the subtle value affirmations were more inclined to exhibit prosocial behaviors than the participants in the control group. The effect was most noticeable among teens who had exhibited antisocial behaviors prior to the exercise. Thomaes believes that the results occurred for several reasons. First, teens with a strong sense of identity are not subject to the stress and pressure of trying to assimilate to others. Also, the students participated in the exercise as they transitioned into secondary school. This critical time in relationship formation was positively, rather than negatively, influenced by the feelings of love and fulfillment gained from the writing exercise. Thomaes added, “In summary, the practical value of the present research is that it identified value affirmations as a promising intervention technique, and illustrated the possibility of helping students to adopt a more prosocial orientation by allowing them to reflect on their personal values—by providing them a stronger sense of who they are.”

Reference:
Thomaes, S., Bushman, B. J., De Castro, B. O., Reijntjes, A. Arousing “Gentle Passions” in Young Adolescents: Sustained Experimental Effects of Value Affirmations on Prosocial Feelings and Behaviors. Developmental Psychology 48.1 (2012): 103-10. Print.

Most people would agree that having a compassionate stance towards oneself is desirable. But how do you cultivate self-compassion?

Let’s quickly define the term. In this article, “compassion” means tenderhearted recognition of pain or distress, coupled with a desire to alleviate it. Each component of this definition—recognition, tenderheartedness, and a desire to alleviate distress—offers opportunities for cultivating compassion. This article will look at how the skill of “recognition” can help you grow self-compassion.

The ability to recognize your pain or distress requires that you embrace your limits. Each of us has inherent human limits, as well as personal limits that are rooted in our personalities, life experiences, knowledge, skill levels, and more.

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For example, one obvious human limit is that everyone needs sleep on a regular and consistent basis. A less obvious human limit is that everyone needs some amount of play. Other examples may include the amount of money you need in your savings account in order to feel prepared for a “rainy day,” your tolerance for grumpy individuals, the patience you have for slow drivers, and more.

Some people have a difficult time accepting these human and personal limits. This desire to have no limits stems from a variety of sources. One common reason is that people confuse limits, which are neutral facts, with weaknesses. To put it another way, some people (falsely) believe that if they have limits, they are somehow flawed, weak, insufficient, or not capable of great things—therefore, they deny the reality of their limits. Denying your limits does not enhance your worth or value, but does block you from having genuine self-compassion.

By recognizing that you have limits, you can notice when you have been pushed beyond them, and then deem your ensuing emotions as legitimate. For example, if you know one of your limits is that you need a break every three or four hours of work, and you have to work a full day without breaks, you will know it is legitimate to feel exhausted.

Understanding this emotional distress as legitimate sets you up for the next component of compassion, which is tenderheartedness. In order for you to have compassion towards your distress, you must recognize your distress as legitimate: worth noticing, worth caring about, worth turning towards, and worth alleviating. It is by acknowledging, accepting, and allowing your limits to exist that you bestow legitimacy onto your distress.

Another piece of “recognition” is granting yourself permission to accept your limits as they are in the here and now. Your limits are not what you desire them to be or think they should be. Some limits, such as how much sleep you need, cannot be changed. Other limits, like patience for slow drivers, can be changed—but regardless of the flexibility of the limit in question, if you’ve exceeded your limit, you are beyond it.

While it is entirely appropriate, and a sign of maturity, to work on expanding limits, you can’t do that by denying that you have exceeded a limit. Instead, practice noticing when you have passed a limit and acknowledging it, instead of judging yourself harshly for having it in the first place. Rather than berating yourself for being exhausted at the end of a work day that had no breaks, recognize that you are bone-tired not because you are incompetent, but because you eclipsed your work-break limit.

Self-compassion is grounded in the ability to recognize that you are in pain or distress and that this pain or distress deserves and requires attention. Recognizing your limits as they are in this moment in time, personally and as a human being, allows you to acknowledge the legitimacy of your pain and the ensuing need to attend to your distress. You are entirely capable of growing into a person with more self-compassion, and I encourage you in this work. If you desire or need the guidance of a trained professional, do not hesitate to reach out.

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine,  because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

• Take care of you when you’re sick or old.
• Tell you the truth.
• Treat you kindly.
• Be faithful.
• Keep your secrets.
• Honestly, and with compassion, share most of their thoughts, feelings, and personal information.
• Listen to your thoughts, opinions, and concerns.
• Have your best interests at heart.

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.
2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

• Patiently accept your own pace as you move forward in your journey.
• Take responsibility for yourself emotionally, financially, physically, socially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually.

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming, helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.

Are you a person who takes care of everyone else before yourself? Do you believe you should put yourself last? If you routinely take care of others’ needs before your own, then you may have codependent tendencies. In a relationship, codependent behaviors can potentially sabotage your relationship success. If you neglect your personal needs and wishes and care for others instead, then you may begin to feel resentful and empty. Taking care of yourself enables you to then be available to take care of others.

Codependent Behaviors

Let’s explore some codependent behaviors. Ask yourself the following questions:

• When you are criticized, do you become defensive and angry because your behavior was questioned?
• Do you feel better about yourself when you are helping (and only when you are helping) others?
• Do you settle for being needed when you really want to be truly loved?
• If you are a caretaker, do you anticipate others’ needs?
• Do you feel responsible for others’ feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being or their lack of the aforementioned topics?
• Do you find it easy to change your plans for another person’s needs?
• Do you often feel angry and used even though you choose to ignore yourself?
• Do you always say “yes” even when you want to say “no?”
• Do you say “yes” even when it is not in your best interest?
• Do you feel you do more than your fair share?

If you tell yourself that your circumstance will improve later, get depressed or sick without understanding the reason why, over-eat, feel overextended, or if you stay busy to keep from addressing the issues you need to address, you may be in a state of denial.

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Do you find it difficult to feel joy, to have fun, or to do something at the spur of the moment? Do you find it hard to enjoy sex? Do you have sex when you really don’t want to have sex? Do you make up reasons to avoid having sex? Do you have sex when you really just want to be held and loved? Do you look for happiness in others and not within yourself? Do you choose partners who are not available (physically or emotionally) to love you? Do you stay in a relationship long after it is clear it is not working? Do you think you are not loveable? Is your communication poor? Do you blame, threaten, or beg for your needs to be met? Do you ask for your needs and wants indirectly, thinking people will just know what your needs are because they love you enough? Do you think what you have to say is unimportant? Do you avoid talking about yourself, thoughts, or dreams? Do you ignore your thoughts without voicing them? Do you fail to voice your opinions for fear of being rejected or put down?

From an early age, women are usually taught about the importance of nurturing and taking care of others. Mothers generally focus on meeting the needs of the children, husband, and household before addressing their own needs. Simultaneously, society and the media send women the message that they must be perfect. They are given the message they need to be thin, beautiful, young, perfectly dressed, and in all ways flawless. Men are taught to be outwardly strong. They are taught it is acceptable to be angry, but not sad, vulnerable, or outwardly emotional. These incorrect, constant messages will destroy us if we allow them to.

Do you often feel overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious? Are there times where you feel like an empty shell wanting to isolate yourself from the world? Do you also find it difficult to connect with others? If so, it may indicate that certain needs aren’t being addressed. Addressing neglected aspects of your inner and outer world is related to self-care.

What is “Self-Care?”

Self-care can have a different meaning for each of us. Essentially, self-care is associated with taking care of your needs, asserting yourself to increase the possibility of those needs being met, and monitoring your time and energy given to others. To feel balanced in today’s world, we must address both our inner and outer needs. Taking care of yourself will allow you to be there for your relationship. It will allow you to feel the Goddess or God you truly are inside. Your partner will respond to you in a more positive manner, and emotional intimacy will be more easily deepened when your needs are satisfied.

As parents, we get caught up in the family fast track. We are consumed by school, homework, little league, karate, dance class, and on and on. There is little time left to focus on self-care. Parents get caught in this cycle, leaving little to no energy left to meet their own physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual needs. There is no time left for themselves, much less their intimate relationships.

When we neglect self-care by focusing on trying to meet the needs of others before taking care of ourselves, we can lose our identity and power. We also harvest a great amount of resentment and self-hatred when we neglect ourselves. Ultimately, it is when we connect and address our needs that we can find balance and happiness. When this happens, we can give to others from a full heart. In other words, we can enhance our relationships by taking care of ourselves.

The list of things you can do to develop a self-care practice is endless! Learning to respond to your needs with acceptance, compassion, and a willingness to make healthy changes can begin to bring balance into your life and allow you to connect with joy. Self-care does not mean spending money. A spa day or week is great, but self-care can mean much more than having services performed.

Make a list of your needs: spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and relationship intimacy needs. Under each heading, record activities that will support self-care in that area. Keep space for additions as you think of them.

Here are some suggestions:

• Journaling, meditating, yoga class, moving to your favorite music, taking time to enjoy your favorite music, lunch with the girls/guys, overnight romantic time with your honey, walk in the rain, bubble bath with candles and music, taking a lunch to the river, reading a book, or anything you enjoy. Search your soul for those things that really nurture you.
• Make a list of things that nourish your spirit and make you come alive. Is it music, art, writing, cooking, or dancing? If you’re not sure what would be on this list, then explore new activities or hobbies.
• Connecting with nature can be extremely nurturing. Take a walk on the beach or in a park and really listen to the surrounding sounds and sights. Allow your senses to open and let yourself be nourished by nature. “Taking time to smell the roses” is good advice after all.
• Laughter can be the best medicine. Play. Play with your partner. Find ways to put humor and playfulness into your everyday living. Let that “inner child” out often. Allow yourself to be silly. Allow yourself to enjoy. Allow yourself JOY.When you are filled with joy, even part of the time, all of your relationships will benefit, not just your romantic relationship.

Accept the fact that the road of life will have bumps. Instead of resisting or personalizing these bumps, accept that there are things you cannot change. Realize that the only thing you truly have control over is yourself. Be present in what is happening in your life. Reflect on whether you’re responding to your emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical needs. Are you taking good care of both outer and inner needs? Are you listening to your inner voice when it tells you to slow down, set boundaries, take care of your body, rest, or exercise?

Take care of yourself. Have fun. Life is short, so enjoy every moment. May your day be interspersed with joy.

Each of us has our own unique identity made up of a combination of personality traits, personal and family history, and other attributes. But what happens inside when an identity is not celebrated by a person’s community?

In Stigma: Notes on the Management of a Spoiled Identity (1963), author Erving Goffman uses the term “spoiled identity” to refer to an identity that causes a person to experience stigma. For Goffman, “stigma” describes the experience of moving through life with an attribute that is deeply discrediting. This attribute divides people into those-who-are-normal and those-who-are-not, thereby making those-who-are-not less worthy. Spoiled identities include racial minority, ethnic minority, sexual orientation, gender, sex, and religious identities, body size, and visible and invisible disabilities. (more…)