Learning How to Support Gay Students

A young woman smilingly hugs an older mentor.I carry some pain with me from the times I have failed to be there for students when they really needed it. I have worked as a school counselor for over a decade, and I’ve always been particularly aware of students grappling with sexual orientation issues. Every situation has been different: some students have hinted that they may be “uncomfortable” in their own skin; some have firmly rejected any insinuation they may not be one hundred percent straight; some students have come out to me before I had any clue they were even leaning in that direction. All of my interactions with gay students have left marks on my heart and soul.

In my earlier years as a middle school counselor, I had neither the experience nor the maturity to be a solid mentor to students who came to me with sexual orientation issues. Looking back, I realize I was unclear as to how “out” I could be at school and with students, which gave an awkward quality to my interactions and responses. I also think my experience with my own sexual orientation influenced my choices and actions regarding my students’ issues. The natural and political limitations on my personal authenticity, at the time, hindered my ability to fully support students the way I would have liked to.

It is a fact that a person does not need to be gay to be an ally to someone who is. All an ally needs, in order to be a support, is comfort and confidence in one’s own self and a desire to accept and normalize anything a young person brings to the table. I can pretty easily draw the line between the time of my life when I could truly do this and when I only thought I could. I still mentally cringe when I remember my responses to some of the students with whom I crossed paths, early on in this career.

There is one girl I refer to as “the girl I failed.” I know that she is fine now and that she has had a lot of support in her life, but I was someone she identified as a safe outlet, and I let her down. We met when she was just finishing middle school and we remained in contact during her high school years. She often came to my office at school to help with projects and chat about her friends, ambitions, and interests. We attended the same church and she had met my girlfriend on a number of occasions, so she knew I would be accepting if the topic of her own sexuality ever came up.

I had noticed some hints that she was reflecting on questions of sexual orientation, but she had avoided bringing it up in conversation. Then, one day, she opened the door to her inner experience a tiny crack and gave me the cue to come in and look around. I did not walk through that door. I did not recognize the invitation. I unintentionally eased the door shut and very gently clicked the lock into place. It pains me because this was the moment I had been subconsciously watching for, and when it came I was neither mentally nor emotionally secure enough to make the most of it. The sharpest pain of all is that I did not get a second chance. Once that door was shut, there was no re-entry. I knocked a few times, but she didn’t even come to the peephole. I lost touch with her after that.

My lesson: Any young person may be questioning his or her romantic preferences. If that person is looking for support from a trusted adult, they will find a way to broach the topic, potentially in a subtle way. Kids confronting their sexuality will likely be very self-conscious, potentially confused, and often alone. They rarely come out and say, “I think I’m gay and I’m dying to talk about it, but I’m way too embarrassed to just tell you.” Teens and pre-teens who are ready to reach out will find a moment that feels right to them. Being conscious and “in the moment” is a very practical skill for being attuned to young people, and for truly connecting with and supporting them.

Previous to “the girl I failed,” there was another girl who I tried to reach out to and “help.” This is a story about the importance of offering help when it is requested, rather than deciding to force help upon someone before they are ready. She was a spunky kid, scrappy and funny, and spinning out of control in many ways. She wore Hefty bags on her legs and put orange spikes in her hair. She was tough in a ‘Jo’ from The Facts of Life kind of way. I immediately took to her. She wasn’t outwardly looking to bond with a counselor, but she responded to my attempts to connect. After many months of working with her in an after-school program, she developed a crush on a girl that was impossible to hide. At the same time, she started making some unhealthy decisions and her parents became very concerned.

I took the opportunity to reach out and invite her to our school’s GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance club). That really didn’t go over well. She was not ready, and the glaring call-out of what seemed obvious to others was uncomfortable and off-putting for her. It also marked me as someone unsafe and threatening to the world she had created for herself. She backed away from me after that and our relationship was damaged. I left the school after that year, so I didn’t get to see how our interactions may have evolved. I heard that she came out in a big way the following year, so who knows whether she might have sought my support when she was ready for it.

My lesson: Don’t jump the gun. Coming out is a long and personal process, which everyone undergoes according to their own needs and timetable. It is helpful to be available and accepting, as long as your actions honor the time frame and preferences of the other person. We cannot decide the right time for someone to address their own personal issues. We all get to reach out for help when we want it, and deal with things on our own, when it feels right.

I have been the first person to whom several of my students have come out. It is an enormous honor and testament to the deep trust that I was able to build with them. Unfortunately, school personnel should carefully consider whether it is safe for them to share their sexual orientation openly in the school community.

Historically, once a student came out to me, I would share my own status in the “family,” ostensibly to increase their comfort level and ensure them that they were in good company. I have noticed, over the years, however, that once a student is comfortable enough to share their most-private information with me, my own sexual orientation is irrelevant. They have already decided their secrets are safe with me. Bringing up my own experience smacks of turning the conversation away from the student, which is the same as putting up an interpersonal barrier. A moment of coming out is a powerful rite of passage and one instance in time when all eyes, ears, and mental focus need to be entirely on that person, and their thoughts and feelings.

My lesson: Children and adolescents are most vulnerable before they come out to a trusted adult. That is the time when they need to receive messages that they are not alone and that they are perfectly okay. Several years ago I decided the best plan for me was to post lots of signs and symbols in my room at school, marking the territory as gay-friendly. When topics of homo- or bi-sexuality come up in conversation, I address them directly, but casually—completely normalizing the subject matter. If a student asks me, point-blank, about my orientation, I answer them honestly and cheerfully. I want to make it clear that queer and questioning students have a peer and ally right in their vicinity, and that happiness is entirely possible for them exactly as they are.

I am embarking on a new journey this year in my middle school—we are starting our school’s first-ever Gay-Straight Alliance club. My principal is concerned about backlash from parents and the community, so our plan is to advertise through a subtle grassroots campaign and hope that the students looking for support will know where to come. I have reached out to a few students with whom the topic has come up, and the principal has included our club (“Alliance”) in the daily announcements. Our first activity was to make rainbow pins and explain to the students who came by, that the pins show support for people who are gay or bi, and that wearing one means they are not “haters.” This language seemed to resonate with our students, and we have already had lots of kids pick up rainbow pins for themselves and their friends.

One group that came in to talk with me included a boy I know casually by sight and through a couple of his friends. I asked him if he wanted a pin and he looked in my eyes for a split-second before accepting one. The next day, I passed his group in the hallway and he reached out and gave me a huge, spontaneous hug. I think that brief moment in my office made a connection for him, and I hope that he will dare to trust me if he needs support, or just a friend during this particular moment of his life. Connecting with adolescents is amazing, challenging, and supremely rewarding. It can be a true blessing, if approached with care, compassion, and confidence.

© Copyright 2011 by Karen Kochenburg. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • Rae

    October 3rd, 2011 at 3:55 PM

    I am so happy to hear that classroom teachers are becoming more aware of this issue and the ways that they can offer help to students who may feel confused and lonely due to coming to terms with the fact that they could be gay or lesbian. I have often wondered how I would feel if my own child said she was gay, and I hope that I will be as openminded as I generally feel. So for me as a parent to know that there are going to be others whom I can count on as support in that vein if ever I need it makes me feel good. I know that teachers and those who deal with students on a daily basis have to be so strong and willing to listen, and I would just like to say thank you for everyone who does that at home and at work everyday.

  • gary

    October 3rd, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    although counselors in schools are a great thing, it has one tiny problem that I think exists after having read this article-That the counseling happens in a school environment.

    You know,a student may not want to go and speak with the counselor because he or she does not want his or her friends and peers to find out about why he or she approached the counselor, due to a generally existing bias.

    Also,things are not that comfortable for a student in a school setting due to a variety of reasons.

    So what I would suggest is that there be an additional facility wherein a student can get coupons from the school and each coupon can be redeemed for one counseling session at the counselor’s private office outside the school.

    What do the people here think of this?

  • Jacquie

    September 2nd, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    I think this is a wonderful idea, I would have taken advantage of that opportunity at school. I didn’t want to be seen as someone seeking counselling by my peers.

  • Kendall

    October 4th, 2011 at 4:16 AM

    None of my friends in high school were gay. Why the prevalence of that now? It is like it is a fad or something to be gay or bi. Are there more students like this or do you think that we are more open as a society to accepting this lifestyle choice?

  • R.Franklin

    October 4th, 2011 at 11:36 PM

    Its not ping to be easy trying to help gay students unless you have been trained for the same or have prior experiences with gay people of similar age.

    And in any counseling,gaining the trust of the client is very essential.Unfortunately,it becomes hard to deal with adolescents because many a times they do not know what they are going to do and are unsure about trusting the schools counselor.

    When you view all these aspects,I definitely think you have no reason to regret about having let down that one student.

  • Karen D. Kochenburg

    October 9th, 2011 at 8:42 AM

    Gary-In my district, school counseling is not meant to provide a deep therapeutic experience. As you mentioned, there are limits on privacy, time, and other logistical considerations. We are there to provide support and problem-solving for students who want it, and I have more students asking for our help than we can serve. I refer out to free and sliding-scale community agencies whenever possible, but the majority of our students do not have parents who are able or willing to take them to private counseling. In fact, most of my students prefer seeing a counselor on campus so that their parents don’t have to be closely involved. Your coupon idea is interesting, but money is always an issue in private schools. In order to implement that, the school would need to pay the outside therapist, and there just isn’t money for that sort of thing.

  • Karen D. Kochenburg

    October 9th, 2011 at 8:45 AM

    Kendall- Yes, our society is much more accepting of homosexuality than it ever has been. The new generation is much less homophobic and hateful, at least in my area. I even have boys now who are comfortable identifying as gay or bi, which is a huge stride forward. There have always been gay people, but now they are becoming more comfortable accepting themselves and trusting that others will accept them, too.

  • Emma

    November 26th, 2013 at 8:43 AM

    I am a bi client who has been to therapy with therapists who advertise themselves to be familiar with lgbt issues. I actually switched from one lgbt therapist to another lgbt therapist because the first one actually tried to assess my bisexuality even though my bisexuality was not in question. This therapist started to ask me questions on our first intake session that sounds like the fritz Klein grid. I couldn’t understand why this therapist couldn’t just say “what does bisexuality mean to u” because asking me fritz klein grid questions on our first session in their attempt to understand what my bisexuality means to me just seemed like she was undermining me. This therapist is on this good therapy board. It was so bad that after she was do r asking me these fritz Klein questions she said “yeah you are definitely bisexual” and That really pissed me off because it told me that my word wasn’t enough.

    So I never resumed sessions with this therapist after that. I did however find a new therapist who didn’t make me feel like she was undermining me. This new therapist helped me to feel heard and understood by not judging or making assumptions and validating and encouraging my experience as a bi without trying to assess how bi I actually was. We r still in sessions now and she’s helps me immensely.

  • Emma

    November 26th, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    My point to any therapist working with a questioning or lgbtqqia client is this “tell them it’s ok.” Ask them what their experience has been like. Validate ther courage. Find out of its safe for them to come out and what support they have in their lives. Please DO NOT impose your view or understanding on sexuality into them. Each person experiences and comes to terms with their sexuality in their own way. We have been PRIMED for rejection so what we really need is a safe space for you as our therapist to just let us be heard and to encourage us. That’s the BIGGeSt thing u can do. Don’t do any assessments please please please. No fritz Klein grid none of that. It’s a shame because these therapists advertise familiarity with lgbtqqia issues but they counter transfer and can make the already nervous client feel alienated

  • Paula

    May 8th, 2020 at 9:47 PM

    I don’t know if the author is still reading comments on this post, but if so, I’m hoping I might be able to connect with her and get some guidance. I teach middle school computers. I have a student who told me she is gay in a simple daily Q&A activity we do. I wasn’t shocked that she is gay, but I was kind of shocked that she told ME. One of her other teachers is a lesbian, and it’s no secret, or big deal, in school. Why did she tell me and not a teacher who everyone knows could relate? I’ve responded to her letting her know that I did read her comment, and that I can be here to talk if she needs or wants that. I tried not to make it too big of a deal, in case it’s really not a big deal to her. Honestly, I kind of assume it is because she is extremely quiet in class (to the point that I stopped calling on her in class and instead just make sure to check in with her to see if she has questions), and she commented that she would never tell her parents. I also told her that I wouldn’t try to say I can imagine how she feels, because I really can’t and I don’t want to belittle her feelings by saying I get it. I’m really just looking for anything else that might help me be a better listener for her, or whatever else I can be for her. I’m not a trained counselor, so if she asks me for guidance, I will need to be able to tell her that I’m really not trained in that, but I still want to help support her in finding someone who is trained in counseling. I’ve talked to our school counselor and at this point, she agrees with the way I am responding to this student. I’ve sent her an email response (it’s May 2020…COVID pandemic and distance learning for all!), and I’m so worried that I might offend her or scare her away. I had also reached out to a couple friends who are lesbians and they gave me some guidance, which I greatly appreciate. I just feel like I need as much input as possible in case this student wants to talk about it. Honestly, I’m nervous! I know this is a very big deal and it can be so hard and so scary for young people – for ANY people! – to come out. I feel an incredible amount of responsibility and I just don’t want to let her down in any way. Thank you for any information you might have for me.

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