When trust becomes difficult or impossible in relationships, the impact can be devastating. Trust is widely regarded as a fundamental psychological concept in the study of relationships, yet for many people, past experiences make trusting others feel dangerous or impossible. Whether stemming from trauma, loss, or early attachment disruptions, trust issues can create cycles of fear, anger, and emotional distance that sabotage the very connections we most need.

For many people, trust issues don’t start with abstract trauma, they start with something painfully concrete: a partner who cheated, suspicious messages discovered late at night, or the sinking feeling that something was off long before the truth came out.

In today’s digital world, breaches of trust aren’t always obvious. Emotional affairs, secret conversations, and boundary violations through texting or social media can quietly erode a sense of safety. Many people searching for help with trust are trying to answer a simple but difficult question: “Why didn’t I see this coming…and how do I trust again?”

This comprehensive guide explores how trust issues develop, their impact on relationships, and evidence-based approaches for healing. If you’re struggling with trust in relationships, know that you’re not alone—and that with the right support, healing is possible.

The Connection Between Trauma and Trust

Trust issues rarely develop in isolation. While major trauma can play a role, many people trace their difficulties back to relationship experiences that felt confusing, invalidating, or deceptive—such as being cheated on, lied to, or repeatedly reassured that nothing is going on when something actually was.

In everyday relationship contexts, trust is often damaged by:

As one therapist explains to a client struggling after parental suicide: “The kind of traumatic grief and loss you’re describing will definitely impact your relationships. Sometimes people who suffer such losses find it hard to sustain the kind of vulnerability and trust an intimate relationship requires… While extreme losses can deeply affect trust, many people experience a similar emotional pattern after betrayal in relationships: You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships, or over ‘red flags’ that definitely indicate betrayal or abandonment due to the amplified after-effects of your loss.”

Aspects of the traumatic event and certain biological and social factors may make some people more likely to develop PTSD. For instance, previous exposure to adversity and other traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, can increase a person’s chance of developing PTSD later in life.

Common traumatic experiences that impact trust include:

Why Betrayal Feels so Destabilizing

One of the most disorienting aspects of betrayal is not just what happened, but realizing you missed or dismissed signs along the way. Many people describe being blindsided, even when, in hindsight, there were moments of doubt: things that didn’t add up, gut feelings that were pushed aside, or boundaries that weren’t enforced.

This is where trust becomes more than trusting others, it becomes about trusting yourself. If you don’t feel confident that you can recognize problems early or handle the truth when it appears, it becomes much harder to feel safe in any relationship.

How Trust Issues Develop: The Role of Attachment

Our early relationships shape how we understand trust, but you don’t need to know psychological theories to recognize the patterns. If you grew up feeling secure and heard, trust may feel more natural. If your early experiences involved inconsistency, emotional distance, or unpredictability, trust may feel harder to obtain and easier to lose. Relatedly, the attachment theory posits that trust emerges out of a secure parent-child relationship, and these parent-child trust experiences may translate and extend to relationships later in life.

Childhood trauma, including abuse, neglect, and emotional neglect, significantly disrupts emotional development and the attachment process. The maladaptive coping mechanisms formed in response to childhood trauma can persist into adulthood, complicating the ability to trust others and navigate emotional connections. This is particularly relevant in romantic relationships, where attachment styles established in childhood continue to influence relational dynamics.

Insecure Attachment Patterns:

Recent research found that insecure attachment, such as avoidant and anxious dimensions in parent–child attachment, was negatively associated with romantic relationship satisfaction in early adulthood. This matches with attachment theory that early insecure attachment can bring negative impact on later romantic interactions.

Common Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships

Trust issues manifest differently for different people, but common patterns include:

Emotional and Behavioral Signs:

Communication Patterns:

Relationship Behaviors:

The Cycle of Fear and Defensive Behaviors

One of the most insightful observations from therapy work is how “usually beneath anger is hurt, which might explain the intensity of the arguments you describe. You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships… fear has a way of stoking adrenaline and anger as a way to defend against the terrors of loss and abandonment.”

This fear-anger-sabotage cycle is common in trauma survivors:

The symptoms of PTSD can cause significant distress and interfere with a person’s ability to engage in daily activities, including sleeping and eating. People with PTSD often have co-occurring conditions, such as depression, substance use, or anxiety disorders, which can further complicate relationship dynamics.

Another layer of this cycle is self-doubt. After being hurt or blindsided, many people stop trusting their own judgment: “How did I not see this?” This can lead to either hypervigilance (seeing threats everywhere) or avoidance (not wanting to look too closely at all). Both patterns make trust harder, not just with others, but within yourself.

Trust Issues After Grief and Loss

Loss can be particularly devastating to our ability to trust in relationships. While grief is often associated with death, many people experience a similar process after the loss of a relationship due to betrayal, infidelity, or deception.

*”Thank you so much for writing, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss… It sounds like you find yourself unintentionally or unconsciously needing to defend against the terror of a repeated abandonment.”*

This response captures something crucial: after significant loss, especially traumatic loss like suicide, the fear of experiencing that pain again can make trusting others feel impossible. Recent clinical trials involving a combined 641 participants with Prolonged Grief Disorder showed that targeted grief-specific psychotherapy demonstrated over 70% effectiveness in resolving symptoms.

Specific impacts of grief on trust:

Darren Haber bio

Trust, Boundaries and Facing Reality

Trust is often thought of as something we give to others, but at its core, it’s also about trusting ourselves to face reality. When boundaries are unclear or difficult to enforce, people may ignore behaviors that feel uncomfortable or explain them away. This isn’t a failure, it’s often a way of protecting the relationship or avoiding painful truths.

But over time, avoiding reality can lead to feeling blindsided. Rebuilding trust, then, isn’t just about finding a trustworthy partner—it’s about strengthening your ability to:

In this sense, trust and boundaries are deeply connected.

Finding the Right Therapeutic Support

One of the most valuable insights about therapy comes from recognizing when treatment isn’t the right fit: “Ideally, we want to feel we’re seeing (and paying) someone who truly ‘gets’ how painful our challenges are (and why, within the context of our life histories), and who offers feedback or options that feel attuned to who we are and what we need at any given phase.”

Research supports several therapy approaches for rebuilding trust, but what matters most to many people is finding a therapist who helps them make sense of their specific experiences—especially around betrayal, boundaries, and self-trust.

Questions to ask yourself about therapy:

“A good therapist will be open to all sorts of feedback, so ask yourself these questions and please do voice your concerns with whomever you’re seeing.”

Building Trust in Relationships: Evidence-Based Approaches

Therapeutic Interventions

Couple therapy research shows that all family members benefit from trustworthy relationships, which result from (a) acknowledging the contributions of deserving family members, (b) engaging in responsible interactions, and (c) ensuring a fair distribution of relational burdens and benefits.

Attachment-Based Interventions:

Interventions that enhance interpersonal trust—perhaps through modeling trustworthy relationships or cognitive restructuring—could mitigate the impact of emotional alienation with parents on relational avoidance. Programs in college counseling or family therapy could include trust-building exercises to help young adults become more open and secure in romantic relationships.

Trauma-Informed Approaches:

Couples Therapy Approaches:

Building Trust Gradually: Practical Steps

For Individuals:

For Partners of Trust-Challenged Individuals:

“This really is impossible to do on your own… keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

When to Seek Professional Help

To meet the criteria for PTSD, a person must have symptoms for longer than 1 month, and the symptoms must be severe enough to interfere with aspects of daily life, such as relationships or work. It is important for people with PTSD symptoms to work with a mental health professional who has experience treating PTSD.

Seek professional help if:

Crisis Resources:

Hope for Healing

“You have the courage to reach out and seek help, and that’s a noble thing… I can assure you that you’re not alone; so many of the people who come to me for help are wrestling with the same challenges, wrought by actual abandonments that have shattered their emotional lives and made current relationships difficult, if not impossible.”

Trust is responsive to important events and activities occurring within the confines of the relationship. That is, the major issues and themes in focus at the given period of a relationship’s development might give insight into the contents by which people construct their trust for their partner.

This means that trust can be rebuilt, even after significant trauma. With the right support, therapeutic intervention, and gradual practice, people can learn to trust again—both others and themselves.

For many people, healing begins when the focus shifts from “Can I trust someone else?” to “Can I trust myself to handle whatever happens?”

“Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time (fear tends to get us way into the future), and keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

References:

  1. Camanto, O. J., Campbell, L., Stanton, S. C. E., & Others. (2025). Trust in close relationships revisited. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(9), 2516–2544. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251346105
  2. Daneshpour, M. (2025). Couples therapy and the challenges of building trust, fairness, and justice. Family Process, 64(3), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12234
  3. Eisma, M. C., de Lang, T. A., Christodoulou, K., Schmitt, L. O., Boelen, P. A., & de Jong, P. J. (2025). Prolonged grief symptoms and lingering attachment predict approach behavior toward the deceased. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 38, 284–295.
  4. Goveas, J. S., & O’Connor, M. F. (2024). Prolonged grief disorder: Unveiling neurobiological mechanisms for a shared path forward. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 32(5), 535–538.
  5. Krabbendam, L., Sijtsma, H., Crone, E. A., & van Buuren, M. (2024). Trust in adolescence: Development, mechanisms and future directions. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 69, 101426.
  6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
  7. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Coping with traumatic events. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/coping-with-traumatic-events
  8. Papola, D., Miguel, C., Mazzaglia, M., Franco, P., Tedeschi, F., Romero, S. A., et al. (2024). Psychotherapies for generalized anxiety disorder in adults: A systematic review and network meta-analysis of randomized clinical trials. JAMA Psychiatry, 81, 250–259.
  9. Richmond, J., Anderson, A., Cunningham-Erves, J., Ozawa, S., & Wilkins, C. H. (2024). Conceptualizing and measuring trust, mistrust, and distrust: Implications for health equity and building trustworthiness. Annual Review of Public Health, 45(1), 465–484.
  10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11, 117–135.
  11. Smith, J. A., Johnson, B. C., & Williams, K. L. (2024). Childhood trauma and attachment styles as predictors of marital satisfaction: A psychosocial perspective from Türkiye. SDGs Review, 5, e06802.
  12. StatPearls. (2025). Grief and prolonged grief disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507832/

asian man looking painedThere are different kinds of trauma, but in general an experience can be considered traumatic when what is happening threatens to overwhelm those involved, making them feel helpless. Some types of traumatic experiences can have long-lasting and far-reaching consequences.

The body is programmed to work in a specific way when faced with a threat. The heart rate increases, and muscles are supplied with more blood in the event running becomes necessary. While this is happening, less important bodily functions temporarily shut down as the body readies itself for “fight or flight.”

Studies show that the areas of the brain involved with emotional responses, thinking processes, and memory storage become less active. This can lead to experiences not being processed or “integrated” by these various brain functions at the time the traumatic event is happening.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]

Trauma and Emotional Response

Some people find that posttraumatic stress (PTSD) follows life-threatening events such as an earthquake, a tsunami, a sexual assault, or war-zone encounters. It can affect those who go through the event, individuals who witness it, and people who come later, such as first responders and those who just happen onto the scene.

As time passes, memories, thoughts, and feelings of the trauma can surface unexpectedly in a disconnected and confusing fashion, making it difficult for those who deal with severe forms of PTSD to get on with the challenges of daily life.

Scientists, doctors, psychologists, and counselors are still studying and learning about the effects and consequences of different types of trauma on the human psyche. Not all traumatic experiences will lead to identifiable PTSD, but it is generally understood that the effects of an unintegrated experience can be unexpected and often will occur without warning.

The way a person responds emotionally can be profoundly affected. An unintegrated traumatic experience can affect how an individual meets the world and his or her ability to be authentic.

Being Authentic

Being authentic means to act in a way that is consistent with, and in accordance with, one’s core beliefs. It isn’t hard to see that a person dealing with the disconnects associated with unprocessed trauma will inevitably come face to face with the fact his or her emotional responses don’t always reflect true beliefs and intentions.

The person may wish to express a loving feeling, for example, but the sheer emotional vulnerability of such an expression may result in withdrawal from the very people he or she holds near and dear. When repressed and left unexamined, the fragmented thoughts and feelings associated with traumatic events often find expression in behaviors that impede and distort authentic expression.

Seeking Treatment

After a traumatic experience, it is normal for the people involved to have mixed emotions—to feel angry, sad, and anxious. They may also feel disconnected from other people and their surroundings. This is to be expected, is normal, and may fade as time passes.

For some, though, these feelings don’t fade.

There are a variety of successful treatment options for people experiencing the effects of trauma, and there is no shame in opting for therapeutic interventions. There are identifiable biological reasons for post-trauma difficulties that have nothing to do with culturally rooted ideas of who is weak and who is strong.

To overcome the effects of trauma, it is essential to meet what happened head-on. Doing this with the support of a knowledgeable therapist will help ensure that the traumatic event becomes a successfully integrated past experience and support the healthy expression of authenticity.

References:

  1. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and the Family. Retrieved 2/22/14 from: http://www.veterans.gc.ca/eng/mental-health/publications/ptsd-families#cn-tphp
  2. Goldman, Brian M. (under the direction of Michael H. Kernis) (2004). Interrelated Roles of Dispositional Authenticity, Self-Processes and Global Role Functioning in Affecting Psychological Adjustment. Retrieved from: http://athenaeum.libs.uga.edu/bitstream/handle/10724/7885/goldman_brian_m_200412_phd.pdf?sequence=1
  3. Treatment, Services and Support for PTSD. Retrieved 02/25/14 from: https://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=posttraumatic_stress_disorder
  4. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Retrieved 02/25/14 from: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

lesbian couple with young boyAll children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated.

Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what DO you tell the kids when they ask questions?

[fat_widget_right]

The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.”)

Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.

Children also want to know about their personal story. They like to see younger versions of themselves in the family photo album. Depending on the family, they may also see pictures of the orphanage they were adopted from, their pregnant surrogate, or their biological parents. This does not “confuse” young children—whatever they grow up with is normal to them. Even when they start school, children accept differences because the adults in their world do. In fact, children have to be taught by older kids or adults that differences are “wrong.” It is then that they may start questioning their origins or the make-up of their family.

It is best to know beforehand how you will respond to your children’s questions so when they come to you, you can be calm and assured. Your children will pick up on your feelings; if you are uncomfortable, they will sense that something is wrong or that this is a taboo subject. They may even transfer that awkwardness to themselves, thinking there is something wrong with them.

Many parents, both straight and gay, avoid the truth in talking to their children because they are not comfortable with certain subjects, or they think there are things the child is better off not knowing. While every good parent wants to protect his or her child, keeping secrets makes it seem like there is something shameful that needs to be hidden. And it is virtually impossible to keep secrets in a family forever. At some point, someone is going to let something slip. Or the adult child may need genetic information, or may find out through testing that he or she is not biologically related to one or both parents. There are few things as destructive to a parent-child relationship as betrayal.

Children can handle almost anything if they are given the information by someone they trust, in a positive way, in words they can understand. You and your partner or spouse should plan for this ahead of time. Sharing the story of how you became a family can be a special bonding experience.

toddler near legs of parentA great deal of what we bring to our roles as parents comes from the way our own parents treated us. This includes the big areas of values and morality, as well as the smaller corners of daily life, such as determining who is responsible for which chores. This is what makes a family a family: the shared values and traditions passed along from one generation to another.

But perhaps there are things our parents didn’t know that might have been helpful to them in raising us. There are things you can learn that will help make you better parents than your parents were, for all their good intentions.

They relate to understanding your child’s emotional and psychological development. If you have a clear understanding of what your child is capable of doing, understanding, and conceptualizing at a particular age, then you will be able to reach the child at his or her own level of capability with your words, your actions, and, perhaps most importantly, your expectations.

[fat_widget_right]

There are some obvious milestones in the development of a child from birth through late adolescence. These include first steps, talking, learning to socialize with other children, completing homework assignments on time, identifying and developing personal talents, meeting the expectations of coaches and teachers, and figuring out enough about personal identity to be able to face the world as a fledgling adult when the day comes to leave home.

What are the concurrent developmental phases that accompany the outward markers of growth and change in your child? These are the areas where insight can help you match your parenting with the child’s age and capabilities, so that you have less stress and the child has optimal support.

Erik Erikson, a great 20th-century psychologist, described what he called the psychosocial stages of development (see Erikson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1950, or Identity: Youth and Crisis, 1968). His thoughts resonate today and include the following broadly outlined phases of normal development.

In the early years, the child is learning key aspects regarding trust: Who is a reliable and consistent caregiver? Am I safe here? These questions and their answers are experienced pre-verbally, which means that the way you care for your infant through the toddler years—your attention to the basic needs of hunger, thirst, touch, sleep, and physical comfort—all create the child’s sense of how safe he or she will feel in the world. If you are thoughtful and concerned for the child’s well-being at this stage, the world will become a place of caring adults. If child care is intermittent or inadequate, the child’s notion of safety will be compromised. This is a time for consistency.

In the early years of childhood come the first attempts at autonomy. This is when you see a toddler begin to leave the shelter of Mommy and/or Daddy and reach out to make connections with other people. Toddlers can do this only if they feel confident that Mommy and/or Daddy will be there when they return. If they are unsure of this, they will be reluctant to begin to explore the world. Your best efforts here include understanding the child’s needs for security and encouraging the child to move into the world beyond the family structure, knowing that you are there in the background.

Once you have a preschooler on your hands, you are looking at a child who is beginning to see that he or she can actually affect the world. You see attempts at managing the actions of pets and other children. In play, you can see stage managing that demonstrates this newly discovered power of influence. If a child is supported in this and encouraged to step out into the world, confidence will develop. If the child is told he is too bossy, and scolded rather than shown more appropriate behavior at this stage, guilt and shame can develop, along with a reluctance to participate in challenges.

You can help during this phase by understanding that your child’s need to begin to separate as an individual with power in the world is a key component in developing the independence that you eventually want for your child. Your guidance here is important because encouragement and gentle course correction will help the child learn which behaviors are acceptable to you and to others, and which are not.

Once a child starts school, the greatest developmental task is the development of a strong sense of self as a competent person. This comes from successful academic and social experience. Your encouragement in helping a child believe he or she is capable of meeting the demands of the classroom while also navigating the social environment is of great importance during these years. You help a child with homework, but you don’t do it for him/her. You listen to the grievances of playground politics, and instead of immediately taking only your child’s side, you offer for consideration various interpretations of the behaviors of other children, to help your son or daughter begin to see that there are other ways of looking at the same situation besides his/her own. It is still appropriate to support your child emotionally and to make certain that any obvious wrongs are righted, but the real learning at this age is in understanding the social landscape and taking care of oneself while honoring the points of view of others.

With the onset of puberty and adolescence, the game changes for your child on just about every front: the very earth that once felt so familiar beneath his or her feet is now shifting like sand. Not only does the world look different, but he or she has to figure out who he/she is in relationship to it. This is the task of adolescence. This is the chaos you witness in your teenager. It is a time of trying on various roles and affecting different behaviors, in an effort to identify which ones are the best and most accurate representations. This can be a maddening time for parents who just want to tell their children to knock it off.

If ever there is a time for patience in the life of a parent, this is it. This is a period of intensity on all fronts: emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Everything is in play. Nothing is certain. The best you can do at this time, in the interest of your child’s healthy identity development, is to continue to provide a safe and supportive emotional environment upon which your child can rely while everything else may seem to tip sideways.

The challenge, of course, is to remember that you didn’t learn anything about being yourself because your mother or father told you who you were. You learned by going through the very same process your own child is going through. If your parents were not patient with you, you might remember the feeling of searing wounds that felt as if they would last forever.

If you remain conscious of where your child is developmentally at any particular age, you can tailor your behavior and guidance to meet his or her needs and abilities to absorb your help. It is not so difficult a task if you bear in mind that a child matures slowly over the years under the warm light of your support.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart, however; challenges will most certainly arise. The easiest way to think of this is that your child is a young person who needs you to be the adult so that he or she is free to be the child. It is safety and security that give your child the opportunity to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You provide this best by understanding the developmental phase of your child at any particular age.

couple laying on bed making heart shape with handsMany couples with whom I work continue to return (or call back if they’re in distance therapy). They find it’s helpful to have regular “tune-ups” even after we have repaired and healed their relationships to move past whatever hang-ups or problems inspired them to contact me in the first place.

In these ongoing conversations, I get to learn about many ways that loving couples heighten sexual intimacy and strengthen their relationship by creating fun and pleasure. I continue to notice that couples who have a happy sex life view lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally. They enjoy a relaxed and accepting view of sexual pleasure.

[fat_widget_right]

Fantasy is an important aspect of creative intimacy. Believe me when I tell you that your sex life will be greatly enhanced if you feel safe enough to share your sexual fantasies with your partner—and perhaps even explore them with one another. Does your partner know about what really turns you on? Can you imagine telling him or her about it?

Fantasy is the base of variety, imagination, and adventure for most of us when we experience sexual pleasure, either alone or with a partner. But relatively few couples seem to be able to trust their loved one with their fantasies and then find some way of “acting them out” together. When we share these secret places in our minds, the result can be great romance and excitement that swoops us out of the monotony that can ensue when we are mating in domesticity.

I encourage couples to cultivate the idea that within the safe boundaries of their relationship, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable and welcome. Nothing is intrinsically wrong or disgusting. We can decline a partner’s request, but we don’t judge or disparage him or her for it.

Describing and sharing a fantasy requires a great deal of courage, so receive your partner’s secret longings with tenderness and compassionate curiosity. One couple recently shared about their bedroom “treasure chest” that includes sartorial regalia honoring each of their delights and predilections. The contents include police and nurse uniforms, a cheerleader outfit, and several pirate costumes—sort of a Caribbean theme!

“It’s really a helluva lot of fun,” one person laughed. “I don’t even begin to understand some of my desires or fantasies, and I have no idea why Johnny Depp got me so turned on in Pirates of the Caribbean! But my sweetie doesn’t care—they just consider it play and we have a ball!”

Most of us base our expectations about sex on informal and unreliable sources, usually friends we had as adolescents. And this “information” is usually based on fantasy.

Ignorance often leads to people judging themselves harshly and comparing their performance to the actors who appear in their favorite fantasy. I often hear people lament that they are “just no good in bed.” An obvious example is the guy who believes he always has to be able to produce an erection whenever the situation requires it. When it doesn’t happen, self-doubt and genuine fear often result.

Years ago an author named Nancy Friday interviewed thousands of women about their sexual fantasies—one of her books that I really enjoyed is My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. Those of us who are female are usually (not always!) less visual and therefore more inclined to enjoy reading erotica, while men tend gravitate toward video/online stimulation. Consider watching with your partner, discussing what’s exciting and what isn’t.

Talk about your fantasies with your partner. He or she might be surprised and/or delighted. I guarantee you will grow in intimacy as you trust one another with your deepest desires. Let go of any attachment you might have to a particular outcome, such as orgasm.

The results can be downright entertaining, and you’ll learn a great deal about one another. Just don’t take things too seriously. You’ll laugh together at the very least, and that’s one of the best aphrodisiacs!

AdobeStock 574928368Known as the body’s natural “feel-good” chemicals, endorphins stimulate feelings of pleasure, well-being, and pain relief, making them an essential component in a balanced, happy life. Endorphins are neurotransmitters secreted in response to stress and pain, which we all feel from time to time.

Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to tap into the mood-boosting, stress-relieving benefits of endorphins and get their full, opiate-like effect flowing. Though endorphins are commonly associated with the “runner’s high” achieved through vigorous exercise, the positive mood shifts associated with them don’t necessarily require strenuous physical activity.

The following are seven endorphin-boosting activities to turn to in times of trouble, or when you just need a little lift.

1. Exercise

AdobeStock 305465055By moving your body and increasing your heart rate with cardiovascular exercise, you can stimulate the production of endorphins in the bloodstream. As soon as the heart starts pumping and sweat glands start perspiring, the rush of feel-good chemicals kicks in to reduce the brain’s perception of pain. However, you may have to push through that initial stage of discomfort to fully experience the endorphin-induced exercise high.

As an added bonus, if you’re trying to kick a harmful habit, exercise is considered a highly effective coping mechanism in most forms of addiction recovery; the natural endorphin high offers respite from incessant cravings for drugs, alcohol, or junk food.

So take an exercise class, go for a run or a bike ride, or do some calisthenics (lunges, squats, leg lifts, etc.) in your spare time. Cleaning, gardening, yard work, or something as simple as a brisk walk or a midday session of yoga or deep breathing and stretching will also kick endorphins into gear.

2. Eat chocolate and chili peppers

AdobeStock 448942975Chocolate is celebrated cross-culturally as a pleasurable indulgence, and endorphin release is just one of many reasons to enjoy its blissful effects on the body. The mood-boosting and inflammation-reducing benefits of chocolate consumption are well established and widely used to justify indulging in it regularly (Stoppler, 2007).

If you can stand the heat, chili peppers are another edible endorphin releaser. According to researchers, chili peppers contain a chemical called capsaicin that triggers the pain-relieving, feel-good effect in response to this fiery food’s heat—the hotter the pepper, the better (Carollo, 2012).

And, of course, there’s always the dark chocolate-chili pepper combination. From rich hot chocolate drinks to chocolate bars that blend the two, a number of options are available if you’d like to sample this combo for a double dose of endorphin release.

3. Drink wine

AdobeStock 172948584While this is only applicable to individuals who are of age to consume alcohol legally, several studies can confirm: wine can enhance those feel-good chemicals.

According to research published in the Journal of Neuroscience, enjoying a small amount of alcohol, especially wine, at the end of the day can boost endorphins (Ireland, 2014). Both red and white wine contain antioxidants, and red wine contains resveratrol, which has been shown to reduce inflammation, slow the aging process, and protect against arterial damage (Hendrick, 2010; Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Another study published in Science Translational Medicine examined the effects of alcohol-induced endorphins on the brains of social drinkers and “problem drinkers.” They concluded that endorphins play an enormous role in the desire to keep drinking once the initial rush of feel-good chemicals have been released. This is true for social and problem drinkers, though those who are prone to addiction will be more likely to drink to excess (Simon, 2012).

So be mindful and drink in moderation when indulging in this pastime. One to two glasses should suffice to get you basking in the mood-enhancing, ethanol-endorphin glow.

4. Have sex

AdobeStock 603617163Engaging in regular sexual activity feels good, relieves stress, and releases endorphins. In fact, endorphins are largely responsible for the anxiety– and pain-reducing effects of sex (Newsmax Health, 2013).

The endorphins produced during sexual arousal and shared affection also stimulate the production of oxytocin, aptly referred to as the “love hormone,” as well as other neurochemicals like dopamine (Stoppler, 2007). The combination of these chemicals creates a blissed-out, deeply satisfying sensation throughout the body during and after sexual contact.

(This tip is for consenting adults who are practicing safe sex.)

5. Get a massage

AdobeStock 93554369Touch-oriented modes of healing and pain management such as acupuncture, massage, chiropractic adjustments, and hydrotherapy are known to stimulate endorphin release (O’Sullivan). This is part of what makes these treatments so popular—they leave you feeling relaxed, relieved, and revived.  Plus, you don’t have to do anything but sit or lie down and let the good feelings flow.

 

6. Meditate

AdobeStock 245653305Simply relaxing and focusing the mind on meditation triggers the release of endorphins and also helps increase dopamine, serotonin, and melatonin. This cocktail of chemicals flooding the bloodstream leaves the meditator feeling calm, happy, and content. One study found the effects of running and meditation on mood to be very similar—both activities produce endorphins and lead to positive feelings (Harte, Eifert, and Smith, 1995).

For someone new to meditation, the following tips may help you ease into its pleasing effects.

7. Laugh

AdobeStock 231496134Laughing lifts the spirits and relieves tension. This is somewhat of a given for anyone who has ever experienced a good belly laugh. But did you know that part of the reason laughing feels so good is because of the endorphins that stream through your system when you do?

According to research presented at a meeting of the American Physiological Society (2006), just knowing that laughter is coming boosts endorphins and sets the feel-good vibes in motion. Stress reduction and improved immune functioning are added perks of letting loose with laughter.

References:

  1. American Physiological Society. (2006, April 3). Just the expectation of a mirthful laughter experience boosts endorphins 27 percent, HGH 87 percent. Phys.org. Retrieved from http://phys.org/news63293074.html
  2. Carollo, K. (2012, February 20). The world’s hottest pepper: Brings pleasure and pain relief. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/capsaicin-ingredient-hot-peppers-offers-medical-benefits/story?id=15727011
  3. Harte, J. L., Eifert, G. H., and Smith, R. (1995, June). The effects of running and meditation on beta-endorphin, corticotropin-releasing hormone and cortisol in plasma, and on mood. Biological Psychology, 40, (3), 251-265. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/030105119505118T
  4. Hendrick, B. (2010, August 4). Resveratrol may slow aging in humans: plant extract resveratrol suppresses inflammation, study finds. WebMD Health News. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/news/20100804/resveratrol-may-suppress-inflammation-in-humans
  5. Ireland, K. (2014, February 10). How to boost endorphins. Livestrong.com. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/88275-boost-endorphins/
  6. Mayo Clinic. (2011, March 4). Red wine and resveratrol: good for your heart? Diseases and Conditions. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/ART-20048281
  7. Newsmax Health. (2013, July 8). Regular sex makes you look 7 years younger: researcher. Retrieved from http://www.newsmaxhealth.com/Health-News/sex-aging-health-benefits-endorphins/2013/07/08/id/513728
  8. O’Sullivan, B. What are endorphins? The Road to Health Newsletter. Retrieved from http://www.road-to-health.com/64/What_are_Endorphins_.html
  9. Simon, G. (2012, January 18). Alcohol and endorphins: ‘feel good’ chemical key to problem drinking? Counselling Resource. Retrieved from http://counsellingresource.com/features/2012/01/18/endorphins-and-alcohol/
  10. Stoppler, M. C. (2007, March 15). Endorphins: natural pain and stress fighters. MedicineNet.com. Retrieved from http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=55001
  11. WebMD. (2012, July 23). Exercise and depression. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

What a complicated, challenging situation you find yourself in! There is no one way you are supposed to feel. I’d expect you to be more than a bit confused. It sounds as if you and your wife have been able to be open with each other, work things out, and repair your relationship. I definitely recommend calling on the same skills and strategies that have worked for you in the past.

A key question for you to consider: If this child is not biologically yours, will you be able to parent him or her with the unconditional love he or she deserves? I strongly recommend that you dig deep and think about your honest answer to this. It’s tempting to want to be a “good” guy and say sure—but if you don’t think you can do it, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your relationship will suffer, and this child will suffer.

Regardless of biology, you will be the only father he or she will know. If you are not able to love him or her, if you tolerate this child for the sake of your marriage, it will show in many small ways. Resentments will build, and you may end up losing your relationship down the line. Your wife has been clear that she is having this child. You have to ask yourself if you can get on board or not. This is not an easy question to answer, and I suggest you find someone to talk with to sort through the complicated feelings that come with your situation.

Becoming a parent, even under the best of circumstances, is challenging, and it is a lifetime commitment. It’s not for the faint of heart. It puts stress on relationships. Things will not be the same, ever. It’s incredibly hard. It’s also tremendously rewarding, powerful, and incredibly meaningful. There are many people who choose to parent children who are not biologically theirs, who love them fiercely and devotedly. This is something nobody can decide for you. If you open yourself up to loving this child and commit to being a true father (no matter what the tests say), it will be hard, but it can be amazing. If you don’t think you can do it, you owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to this child to talk about it honestly now.

Best of luck,
Erika

GoodTherapy | Conflict and the Thinker/Feeler Struggle in Relationships The thinking/feeling dichotomy was first connected to individual differences in psychological types (personalities) by Carl Jung. It is used in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator’s personality typology and addresses natural differences in how individuals make decisions and experience emotions.

It is also the cause of a great deal of tension and conflict for couples that naturally differ on this dichotomy.

The terms used for descriptive purposes here can be misleading. For instance, someone with a feeling response orientation is not inherently more able to feel or less able to think than someone with a thinking response orientation; and someone with a thinking orientation is not inherently more able to think or less able to feel than someone with a feeling orientation (Reinhold, 2007).

These terms are used to address fundamental differences in the perceptual and experiential processes automatically triggered when thinking- and feeling-response-oriented individuals are sorting out and expressing what they are thinking and feeling. (Please note that this interpretation differs significantly from those of Carl Jung and the authors of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.)

Although human beings are aware that people differ in how they come to conclusions and experience and express emotions, few understand that these differences in self-expression are driven by innately different perceptual and experiential frames of reference. Of particular note is a fundamental difference in the experience of emotions when conflicts arise—a difference of such magnitude that role-reversal comprehension is not possible. These differences are a constant in interactions between thinking and feeling individuals, easily confirmed by observation of one’s personal and professional relationships.[fat_widget_right]

Those with thinking response orientation:

Those with feeling response orientation:

Thinking/Feeling Couples

The usual cause of difficulty for couples that differ on this dichotomy comes from a fundamental difference in how they experience and express emotions. The moment harmony is disrupted, most feeling-response-oriented individuals feel bad, as if they have done something wrong. Knowing they have not, in fact, done something wrong does not usually help. They feel bad anyway.

When these feelings are triggered, they may immediately apologize, hoping to restore harmony and neutralize the guilt they are experiencing, or they may get upset with their partner for doing something that caused them to feel that way. Neither of these responses makes much sense to a thinking-response-oriented individual.

Why would a person feel guilty and bad simply because someone disagreed with them; much less suggest that the other is at fault for causing them to feel that way? From the thinking-oriented perspective these responses do not make logical sense and are therefore invalid.

Choice is not an option here. Very much like the degree to which someone is left-handed, right-handed, or ambidextrous, the manner in which feeling- and thinking-oriented individuals experience and express thoughts and feelings is natural and normal—just different.

The Challenge in Communication

In essence, two naturally disparate perceptual frames of reference for making sense out of the same reality have been activated. The feeling partner seeks validation for how they are feeling about the situation, while the thinking partner seeks validation for why they think their partner’s feelings do not make logical sense. Neither can provide a response that meets the other’s criterion for being heard.

Without intention or awareness, the explanations that each provide for justifying their own natural and normal responses de facto invalidate the natural and normal responses of their partner. Issues of little import can trigger emotionally charged exchanges that leave both parties psychologically battered, blaming each other for the damage done, while the issues themselves remain unresolved. The conflict resolution challenge is significantly magnified when the couple also differs on the extroversion-introversion dichotomy.

Conflict Resolution Approach

I have been using a natural differences questionnaire based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator with all couples and families since 2000. Information on natural differences has proven to be consistently accurate.

In fact, the accuracy of the information above is such that most thinking-response-oriented partners have been able to accept its validity. Feeling-response-oriented partners have usually been more ambivalent. Although the information provides concrete validation regarding their emotional sensitivity and reactivity, it does not provide them with much relief from the feelings that get triggered when conflicts arise.

If they accept the premise that natural and normal differences in response orientations are at play, they have to acknowledge that their partner

  1. cannot experientially relate to how they are feeling when conflicts arise and, therefore,
  2. is not at fault for the feelings their comments can trigger.

The inequity inherent to this difference in experiencing emotion is such that some feeling-response-oriented partners have great difficulty accepting it. Fortunately, once most thinking-oriented partners have a logical explanation for their partner’s feel-based responses, they have been able to soften their responses in general and become more considerate and accommodating when conflicts arise. This change has helped many feeling partners contain the resentment they automatically experience during conflict.

The intensity of the explosive exchanges that some thinking/feeling couples are dealing with is such that adherence to a timeout rule is an absolute necessity if they hope to replace their destructive conflict resolution process with a healthier one. It is understandable why some feeling-response-oriented partners have a hard time adhering to this time out rule. After all, extroverted/feeling-oriented individuals have a particularly difficult time letting go before their partner has acknowledged the validity of how they are feeling.

The fact remains that once an issue has become emotionally charged and abusive, the possibility of a meaningful resolution no longer exists. Partners with strong extroversion, intuition, and feeling-response orientations may have a particularly difficult time accommodating this timeout rule.

The level of psychic distress (disruption of self) that some experience is so extreme that efforts by their partner to withdraw may trigger desperate, even violent behaviors to prevent their partner’s exit before a resettling response has been provided. However, a way must be found to contain these emotions if they hope to replace their destructive process with a healthier one.

Consequently, depending on the perceived volatility of the conflicted exchange, the person calling for a timeout may:

  1. Agree to a future time to reconvene and try again, before their next counseling appointment.
  2. Wait until their next counseling session to address the issue.
  3. Contact the counselor to see if an earlier date can be scheduled to meet.

The timeout is almost always called for by the thinking partner and resented by the feeling partner.

Tip for thinkers: Seek to understand and accommodate your partner’s areas of sensitivity rather than attempt to help them understand why they should not feel that way.

Tip for feelers: Use logic-based constructs when explaining why they are upset. Example: “Even though you do not understand why I get upset when you say that, the fact remains that every time you say that I get upset. Given the predictability of my response, why do you keep saying that?”

Once most couples realize that natural differences are at play, and that neither is intentionally responding the way they do in order to get his or her own way, they are able to accommodate and compromise in areas that had not been possible before.

Reference:
Reinhold, Ross. (21 March, 2007). E-mail correspondence.

woman looking downFeeling good about oneself can be a lifelong struggle for many children of divorce. When the parent who leaves becomes less involved, interested, and loving, many children develop an intense need for admiration, recognition, and connection. They can become stuck in an endless quest to gain approval and love by trying to be the person they think Daddy or Mommy wants them to be rather than having the freedom to grow, develop, and individuate.

I have worked with many people who experienced divorce as young children. For most, it was the father who left the home, became unavailable physically and/or emotionally, and therefore became the object of desire for the child. The work in therapy for these adult children of divorce is about developing positive self-regard in order to feel deserving of creating separate lives and building relationships that are satisfying and a reflection of their own wishes and desires. The therapeutic work can be both a painful and pleasurable process of discovering one’s own thoughts, feelings, and mind, separate from the idealized parent.

Lucy (not her real name) came to our first appointment and began to describe how unhappy she was with her life. She was in graduate school, in the second year of her MBA. “I hate it,” she said. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided I wanted to go into finance. I mean, I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking how happy my father would be that I would be just like him, a financial analyst. But now I’m in the middle of my last year and he never really asks about what I’m studying or about my internship. Sometimes he’ll lecture me on the kind of job that I should be looking for when I graduate, but we never have a conversation. All my life I’ve been trying to please him. I even moved to New York just to be near him—he left me and my mom and my brother when I was 8. I’m fed up! I hate him! No, I love him. He’s a wonderful man, but he doesn’t love me, never did. I don’t know what to do with my life. I guess I’m depressed. I’m sorry, I’ve been talking nonstop. Can you help me?”

I did believe I could help Lucy. We began our sessions, and Lucy proceeded to talk about her life. I learned that when her parents divorced, her father moved to the city from the suburbs. She saw him every other weekend until she was about 11, and then less often after that until high school, when it was not even monthly.

“I was so bored when Jed [her brother] and I visited him,” she said. “Jed is two years older, and he stopped visiting before I did. My father had a girlfriend, Mara, from the time I was 9. She had a son, Billy, who was 4 or 5 when they all moved in together. My father always seemed so involved with them. I never knew what to talk about. Mara was so pretty, and my father seemed so in love with her and Billy.”

I asked Lucy to talk more about what it felt like for her that her father had this new family.

“He never looked at me with the same smile or pleasure the way he looks at them,” she said. “I really loved him, but never felt he loved me. If I could just figure out how to make him love me and think I was special like them, then I could be happy. I thought maybe if I was prettier, like Mara, or made him laugh, he would love me too. Late in high school, I had the idea that I would go to college and major in business and maybe then I would have something to talk to my dad about. It didn’t work. I kept going back for more and I always ended up feeling rejected. You would think I would have figured it out and not have gone to grad school for business too. My problem now is I don’t know what I really want to do. I don’t know what I like; I don’t know how I’m ever going to have a boyfriend. I don’t know …”

Lucy’s description of her experience of herself in relation to her father was similar to the experiences of other children whose fathers left and started new families. As Lucy and I continued to talk together, it became clear that she desperately wanted her father to admire and recognize her as someone special. She felt constantly that she didn’t measure up, especially to his new family: “I thought, ‘What is wrong with me? Why is he always so distant? Why aren’t I good enough?’ ”

[fat_widget_left]

Lucy’s feelings of self-hate and despair about getting what she needed from her father kept her involved in a constant search for connection and recognition from him. When she decided that the way to get his positive regard was by going into finance, she never stopped to consider her own wishes and desires. When she began therapy, she had reached a place where it was no longer tenable to continue this pattern of seeking her father’s approval. But now what was she going to do, and how would she begin to develop positive feelings about herself?

As we worked, Lucy decided to take a leave of absence from graduate school. She wanted some time to explore what she might like and what she could be passionate about. This was not so easy at first. Lucy recalled that in high school and in college, she wrote for the school magazines and loved her English classes. In a session several weeks later, she was excited when she told me about a writing workshop she found at the local YMCA. She planned to try writing again. Then, the following week, she came to session and said, “I thought I would try the workshop. But that’s really not such a great idea. For me to be admitted, they want me to submit a writing sample. Who am I kidding? I’m not much of a writer.”

Lucy and I explored her anxiety about putting herself in the world to try new things and face the possibility of failure or rejection. As we talked about this fear, Lucy began to connect these anxieties with her experiences with her father.

“He never made me feel interesting or competent,” she said. “Even when I did something good, he would find something about it to criticize. I always see him as so smart and so handsome. I always thought everything he said was right. I guess that made me wrong a lot of times. I still see him as right about everything. I feel stupid and awkward when I’m around him. I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about myself everywhere most of the time. When this writing thing came along, I had a moment when I felt differently. I remembered how I talked to you about my writing and I remembered how much I loved it. I got so excited, and that’s when I looked for and found the workshop. Then I reverted back to my old ways. But I am going to try and steel myself and send in the writing sample and see what happens. I can’t keep myself stuck in this ‘I’m not good enough rut.’ ”

Lucy and I continue to talk about her worries of failure and rejection and her fear of taking risks to try new things in the world. Lucy tries to keep in mind that she is repeating the relationship with her father when she lets herself be guided by her old feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence. When Lucy joined an online dating site, she withdrew after emailing back and forth with an interesting man who asked her out. “He’ll never like me once he meets me,” she said. “I’m just not interesting enough.”

As we kept talking about expecting the world to be like her father, Lucy’s face lit up and she said, “You know, maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was my father that wasn’t so great. I never realized this before, but he didn’t know how to be a good father to me! Maybe he’s the incompetent one!”

As Lucy continues to grow and develop, she is becoming more aware of her special attributes. At the same time, she is becoming more able to see her father realistically rather than idealizing him as the special one. She is doing well in her writing workshop, now in its second year. She has sent a short story out in the hopes of getting it published. She has dated several different men and is beginning to think about what they have to offer her rather than what she doesn’t have to offer them. Lucy is changing the nature of her attachment to her father. She craves his approval much less and rarely looks to him to define what is good and valuable about her. She is becoming a person with her own wishes and desires and needs. She is becoming a person who can increasingly value herself in positive ways. She is on her way to a satisfying life.

GoodTherapy | When It All Falls Apart: Trauma's Impact on Intimate RelationshipsWhen something traumatic happens, the result can be the development of a variety of symptoms that impair a person’s ability to function. These symptoms reverberate beyond the person who was traumatized. They can easily impact close friends and partners, as well. According to Cook et al. (2004), trauma survivors often report a decrease in relationship satisfaction, along with impaired expression of emotion, sexual activity, intimacy, communication, and adjustment. Cook et al. also state that “those with PTSD have higher separation and divorce rates than their non-PTSD counterparts” (2004).

Trauma can impact intimate relationships in a number of ways. Some of the most common I have observed in my own practice include (but are not limited to) the following:

[fat_widget_left]

These problems can cause a relationship to end if left unaddressed. I have often had partners of people with trauma in my office. They feel completely frustrated and alone, not knowing how to make their partner feel better or what to do to save the relationship. People in therapy are also affected by the above issues, which can further aggravate their trauma symptoms by adding stress. The result is two people in a relationship who both want the same things: to heal and make the relationship healthy. But they have no idea how to accomplish either.

Below are some of the behaviors and practices I suggest to people in therapy and their partners as they work through trauma.

For Partners

Don’t try to fix or heal the trauma and the accompanying symptoms your partner is experiencing. Sometimes well-meaning partners will try to “make it all better” by doing things they think will help the person heal. The fact is healing from trauma takes time. The brain needs time to process traumatic information. The best thing a partner can do is be available to listen when the person who is experiencing the trauma symptoms needs to talk. Be supportive emotionally by offering statements such as, “That sounds like it is really difficult to deal with,” and, “I hear you saying this is really hard for you right now.” The power of just being present for another person is often underestimated.

Don’t take it personally. Your partner is working through something very difficult. Sometimes people who have been traumatized feel more distant emotionally. Sometimes they also don’t want to be close physically. This is not necessarily reflective of how the traumatized person feels about the relationship or about you. This is a common occurrence and part of the process.

Don’t make assumptions. Sometimes well-meaning partners assume a person who has recently been through something traumatic will not want to connect physically. There is often a fear that connecting physically will make the traumatic symptoms worse. In some cases this may be true, as sometimes trauma is sexual in nature, which means some healing will have to take place before physical intimacy can resume. However, it is important to communicate with your partner about what they want and how they would like to connect with you. This subject can feel like the “elephant in the room,” but it is so very important that it is acknowledged. If either partner feels rejected, damage to the relationship can occur. By discussing where each of you are and what your desires are, even if physical intimacy cannot occur, the damage to the relationship has been controlled, as each partner knows where the other stands so those assumptions can be tossed out with the trash.

Consider getting your own counseling. I wrote an article on secondary trauma that discusses the difficulties loved ones often experience after someone they love has been traumatized. Vicarious traumatization is very real and possible. You are offering support to someone working through trauma, so it is vital that your self-care is excellent and that you are getting the emotional support and guidance you will need through this challenging time. You will be much more effective at helping your loved one if you are in good mental shape.

Mills and Turnbull (2004) give good advice for partners of people who have experienced trauma. They use the acronym LOVER to make some important behaviors easier to remember. They suggest partners Listen, Observe, Verify, Empathize, Reassure, and offer practical help. Practical help might include helping to rebuild, fight back, console, prevent, or repair.

For the Traumatized Individual

Involve your partner and communicate regularly. I have found many traumatized people are hesitant to share what they are going through with their loved ones for fear of becoming a burden. The fact is, when you don’t communicate with your partner, they may feel confused and left out. Your partner may tend to become anxious and can sometimes do things to try to make you feel better. But these things may just end up distancing the two of you further. Let your partner know what you are going through. You don’t have to give gory details,. Just let them know, as much as possible, how you are feeling right now and communicate how they can help. If you need someone to just listen, tell them so. If you need guidance and support, your partner needs to know.

Attend your counseling sessions and communicate with your therapist about stressors such as relationship strain. It is important for your therapist to know all your stressors so they can provide the best, most comprehensive care. Additional stressors can stunt healing and lengthen the longevity of symptoms.

For Partners and Survivors

Remember there is hope! People initially get into a relationship because there are things that draw them to one another. When you are having relationship difficulty related to trauma, the problems that arise can sometimes distract you from what you love about your partner and why you want to work in the relationship. A relationship can survive trauma if both people are willing to put in the effort it takes to heal.

References:

  1. Cook, J. M., Riggs, D. S., Thompson, R., Coyne, J. C., and Sheikh, J. I. (2004). Posttraumatic stress disorder and current relationship functioning among World War II ex-prisoners of war. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), pp. 36-45. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14992608
  2. Mills, B., and Turnbull, G. (2004). Broken hearts and mending bodies: The impact of trauma on intimacy. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 19(3), pp. 265-289. Retrieved from http://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/Broken%20Hearts%20and%20Mending%20Bodies%20The%20Impact%20of%20Trauma%20on%20Intimacy.pdf

couple facing opposite in bedFor many women, having a baby is a long-awaited blessing. You have been carrying a baby for nine (or even 10) months; you might have been trying to become pregnant for a while; and your entire world changes from being a couple to being a family. Several weeks after delivering a baby, women can begin to resume sexual intimacy.

However, few women bounce back so quickly. Many women feel that their body has changed and have conflicting feelings about sexual intimacy. Here are some very common postpartum sexual concerns for women, as well as some tips to overcome them:

1. Directly following childbirth, women may be somewhat traumatized by the childbirth itself.

Cheryl Beck, Nursing Professor at the University of Connecticut, conducted a study and found that up to 34% of women experience some sort of trauma during childbirth (Beck 2008). Following childbirth, women may experience posttraumatic stress (PTSD) symptoms such as anxiety, panic, or insomnia.

This traumatic experience could lead to anxious feelings about your vagina in general, and it is not uncommon for women to be anxious about penetration. This type of anxiety may go away on its own once you resume intercourse, but if it doesn’t, it might be helpful to seek support from a therapist who specializes in PTSD.

2. New mothers are often exhausted, sleep-deprived, and fatigued.

Due to the feeding schedule and short sleeping periods of infants, many new parents only get two or three hours of sleep in a row. Fatigue for both mothers and fathers can lead to feelings of depression and relationship conflict. Decreased sleep can lead to increased arguing and feelings of irritability.

More relationship conflict can also make it less likely partners will feel like having sex. After a period of adjustment, many couples find that their amount of sleep increases and that they have adapted to the change. Try talking to a counselor if relationship issues persist.

3. Adjusting to a new role as a parent can make it difficult for partners to have the energy to fulfill each other’s needs as well as the new baby’s.

Many women embrace motherhood and put all their energy into being a loving, caring, fully engaged parent. At the end of the day, it may be somewhat challenging to transition back into the role of romantic partner.

It can help if both partners make it a goal to set aside quality time to spend together doing things that don’t involve your baby. Do a hobby or an activity you used to do together, and try to take advantage of a babysitter when the grandparents come to visit. Keeping up the romantic relationship will be paramount in the success of your growing family.

[fat_widget_left]

4. Postpartum depression can make it even more difficult to adjust to parenthood.

Postpartum depression occurs in approximately 15% of women. Symptoms of postpartum depression include lack of energy, fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite, thoughts of suicide, or thoughts of harming one’s baby. Depression on any level decreases feelings of desire and interest in intimacy. If you are having these feelings, contact your doctor right away. Medications and therapy can significantly help.

5. After giving birth, you may not feel like being touched.

Having an infant cling to you for most of the day and night can be pleasant and fulfilling. However, many women do not wish to be touched further, especially on their breasts (if breastfeeding), once baby is asleep for the night. Instead, it might be far preferable to shower and have a few minutes to yourself.

In addition, women are receiving oxytocin from cuddling with the infant so they are less likely to need cuddling and intimacy from their partners. This feeling of not wanting to be touched usually improves after a few months when babies nurse less frequently, sleep through the night, and women have started to return to a more regular schedule.

6. A decrease in sexual desire is common, regardless of type of delivery.

Whether they gave birth by vaginal delivery or C-section, most women report a decrease in sexual desire. According to the website Healthline, a woman creates more estrogen in the first months of pregnancy than in the rest of her entire life combined. After giving birth, however, estrogen levels plummet very quickly to pre-pregnancy levels. Estrogen is an important hormone in sexual desire and arousal, and decrease in sexual desire is a common effect of the rapid decrease in these levels.

In addition to estrogen changes, prolactin, a hormone secreted in the brain that causes milk letdown, increases when you are breastfeeding. When prolactin is elevated, testosterone and estrogen is suppressed, causing low libido and vaginal dryness. The vaginal walls may become frail and narrow. Hormonal birth controls can also worsen vaginal dryness, so consider speaking to your doctor about non-hormonal birth controls such as an intrauterine device (IUD) in order to offset these issues.

7. Many women experience difficulty with arousal and orgasm after giving birth.

Due to lowered levels of estrogen, fatigue, possible depression, and constant contact with an infant, many women report lower levels of arousal. Try much more extended foreplay (45 minutes to an hour) to give yourself more time than usual to become aroused. And although lubricant can be good, give your body sufficient time to try to get lubricated on its own. Listen to your body if it is telling you it is not ready for intercourse just yet.

8) For many women, childbirth may involve an episiotomy, stitches, tearing, or C-section. Many women find that they are anxious about resuming sexual activity because of the physical trauma their bodies have been through. Additionally, some women experience urinary incontinence and flatulence as a result of childbirth. These two conditions, and the possible embarrassment related to them, can make some women avoid sex. These two issues usually resolve themselves after six months, so talk to your doctor if these are a concern for you.

9. Vaginal pain may occur with intercourse. 

Whether you give birth vaginally or by C-section, vaginal pain is likely to happen (most likely due to the hormone changes). The good news is that recent research from University of California San Francisco shows that childbirth does not appear to affect a woman’s long-term sexual functioning (Fehniger, J.E.).

As long as your medical provider has given you approval to resume sex, take it slow, make sure you are adequately lubricated, and rest assured that any pain should be significantly improved within a few months. Try using a silicone-based lubricant for vaginal dryness. Some women may benefit from a vaginal moisturizer or an estrogen cream.

In addition, having more sex will likely help. Vaginal atrophy, when the walls of the vagina narrow and thin, can occur after long periods of time without sex. Having more frequent intercourse will help the vagina bounce back into shape. Of course, speak to your medical provider if the discomfort does not improve after a few months.

Having a baby is a wonderful time, but sometimes, sexual problems can be embarrassing or leave women feeling like they are alone in their problem. I hope that this overview was helpful and that you receive the support you need to resume your intimate relationship after adding a new addition to your family.

Resources:

  1. Beck, C., Watson, S. (2008). Impact of birth trauma on breast-feeding: A tale of two pathways. Nursing Research, 57(4). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18641491
  2. Fehniger, J. E., Brown, J.S., Creasman, J. M., Van Den Eeden, S. K., Thom, D. H., Subak, L. L., & Huang, A. J.  (2013, November 19). Childbirth and female sexual function later in life. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 122(5). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24104776
  3. Moore, K., Watson, K. (n.d.). What do you want to know about pregnancy? Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy

GoodTherapy | Anxiety and Relationships: Seven Tips to Improve Communication is an important aspect of relationships, which can be incredibly complicated. Being in love doesn’t automatically lead to understanding or responding ideally to another person’s needs. Individuals with anxiety often feel misunderstood or unable to communicate effectively, and they may even avoid situations that require talking about certain topics.

When worry finds its way into your relationship, it can make it difficult to develop or maintain a strong bond with your partner. When you are experiencing fear or anxiety, your tendency may be to push others away, shut down, put up emotional walls, or isolate yourself. It can be a challenge to develop ways to turn to your partner. This can lead to questions, repeated attempts to “understand” what is going on, and this questioning can create feelings of uneasiness or being mistrusted in the anxious person’s partner. Such conflict can leave both partners feeling frustrated or angry.

People with anxiety typically report that their relationships improve once they are able to explain their condition and how it affects them to the important people in their lives.

[fat_widget_left]

Effective reduction strategies can help control anxiety and allow you to challenge your fears more readily. Here are seven basic ones that can help you begin to heal your relationship:

  1. Be honest. Talk about how your partner can support you when you are experiencing anxiety. Discuss how your anxiety creates tension.
  2. Don’t shut down. If you have a tendency to distance yourself from others when you’re anxious, make sure they know that the distancing is due to the anxiety and not them. Let them know it is simply a coping strategy.
  3. Explain what anxiety is and how it impacts you. Describe how it affects your thinking (intrusive and recurring thoughts, effects on decision making) as well as how anxiety manifests in your body (increased blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating). The more specific you can be, the more likely you and your partner will be to develop a plan to address these effects.
  4. Incorporate more movement into your day. Many studies show the physical and emotional benefits of exercise. Some show that regular exercise can be as effective as (or more so than) medication.
  5. Challenge your fears. Identify when you are having fear responses and pinpoint possible triggers. Dissecting your fears can make them seem less formidable.
  6. Listen and reflect. With anxiety, distortions occur. When you are anxious, you may hear only a small portion of what is being said to you before your mind begins to fill in the blanks and get reactive or defensive. By practicing listening skills in nonanxious moments, you can develop skills to use when you become anxious. If you repeat or restate what you heard your partner say, you may listen differently. This can give your partner an opportunity to clarify if your reflection doesn’t match his or her intent.
  7. Increase physical touch: Try to be more physically affectionate (holding hands, kissing, being close). Physical touch has been hardwired into all of us; each of us needs some level of connection. Discussing your touch needs can inspire dialogue that begins to repair any disconnect.

Each time we find the courage to challenge our fears, new opportunities can arise. What are you willing to challenge yourself to do in order to make your relationships better?

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.