What Is the Right Thing to Do When an Old Lover Connects with You Online?

GoodTherapy | What Is the Right Thing to Do When an Old Lover Connects with You Online?What would you do? An important romantic figure from your past finds you on an internet social media site. Perhaps this was your first love. This renewed connection brings to mind the passion and enthusiasm of youth—before children, financial problems, and middle age. In your mind, you travel back to a time before career worries, mortgage problems, and thinning hair to a time of anticipation, optimism, and more energy. What would you do? Is it a wrong choice to maintain contact on-line? Is it wrong to have a texting relationship? Where do you draw the line? What is the line that would determine that this is an inappropriate relationship?

Infidelity is high on the list of issues that prompt couples to seek relationship therapy. As a therapist who has worked with couples for over 25 years, I see couples struggle with the aftermath of affairs. Typically, both partners are in considerable pain as they work to heal their marriage and build the trust back. Most couples are able to navigate the storm with the help of therapy, good intentions, and motivation to save the marriage.

Recently, social media has been a player in the triangle when individuals find the old flame or school love that has been out of their lives for the last 15 years. The story has become well known. At first, the reunited lovers are happy to find each other on line and enjoy the new “friendship” and reconnection. There is no threat to the marriage. The new spouse is told about the on-line relationship and nothing seems amiss. But slowly over time, the relationship returns to romance. The now married partner struggles with the old emotions getting stirred up again and begins to feel guilt. They try to work it out on their own by not telling their current spouse about the feelings only to find the appeal of the former romance growing stronger. They decide to meet for coffee. They don’t tell their current spouse because they don’t want to worry them. The secrets continue to grow until they become lies. They kiss and an affair begins. It ends when their current mate stumbles upon text messages or email. A few more lies follow when the wrongdoer is confronted and tries to limit the marital damages. At this time, the current spouse is hurt by the infidelity as well as the lies and denial. The lies become worse than the offense. When they come to my office for therapy, they work on repairing the damages and fixing the elements of the marriage that weren’t working before the affair. It is a lot of work to do.

When I review the choices that the wrongdoer made along to way, it is clear to me how the situation could have turned out better. Here is my advice on choice points. As soon as you begin to have feelings for another person, tell your partner, even if this disclosure causes you pain, embarrassment, or discomfort. Have long conversations with your spouse. Expect the conversations to be difficult. Expect to talk about any unhappiness that may be seeping into your relationship. Dissatisfaction that didn’t have words previously will now have names.

The names of these dissatisfactions are stress, money problems, job troubles, parenting issues, or other family concerns. These difficulties are some of the things that send partners into the arms of someone else. They are looking for an escape from the demands of life, and the old flame takes on the bright shining light of deliverance. The deliverance is short lived. The once bright light that looked like a beacon of hope in the storm was more like a kraken leading you towards the rocky shores of a shipwreck.

My advised choice point looks quite logical in hindsight, but if you are in this situation now, it does not look so simple. If there is something going on in your life that you can’t tell your partner, then the relationship is in trouble already. Talk over your choices with a trusted friend or counselor. There is more at stake here that finding relief from stress. You may be making a choice that will change your life forever. Most people who cheated on their spouses say, afterwards, that they wish they could take it back. Choose wisely.


© Copyright 2012 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Maura

    January 20th, 2012 at 5:25 AM

    Ignore it!
    Nothing good can come from it!
    You broke up one time before and for probably a good reason.
    That is what you need to remember.
    That and the pain that you could cause in the end by renewing this relationship.

  • Kydee

    March 13th, 2017 at 5:09 AM

    Wow! Talk about timing! I just had an ole friend contact me after 25+ years. We were lovers but nothing serious on his part. He never knew how I felt. So it seems he looked me up on one of those people search sites tracked me down on social media and contacted me. We both have since married. His wife is 17 yrs his Jr. Says he’s had me on his mind for a long time! I wonder if he’s looking for absolution or romance? I’m very puzzled. Wondering the motive to his contact. My husband has been unfaithful to me so I’m very cautious!! Having said that after being so broken having someone tell you a thing like that and tell you the songs he hears that reminds him of you well that’s an instant ego boost! Still fire is fire!!

  • Colin

    March 13th, 2017 at 5:14 PM

    Don’t do it.
    My story is very similar, 28 years after we finished she has contacted me. Same story, both married, but exchanging romantic songs, talking about the past trying to put it right. My life and head are a mess. I start on anti depressants tomorrow and currently having counselling to get my head straight. The problem is there is no one you can ever confide in. It’s a secret you have to carry alone.

  • AF

    August 8th, 2017 at 10:13 AM

    Don’t do it. If you value your marriage then stay away. Of course it’s possible that his intentions are innocent, but will this contact help anything? I’ve had at least three friends have marriages end due to stuff like this – Facebook is a huge facilitator to infidelity.
    It’s unfortunate that your husband has cheated on you – my wife has cheated on me. It’s easy to become nostalgic about old romances – and I wonder if some folks feel like a fling with an old partner is somehow “different” than cheating with a stranger or someone from work…like “we’ve done this before so once or twice more won’t hurt anything” – I don’t know.
    Simply ask yourself what you want, and why. Does your marriage still need work? Are you looking for payback for his past affair(s)? What will you really find in this old lover, and if it destroys your marriage is that OK? I don’t believe there are any right vs. wrong answers – as long as you’re honest with your husband. I almost saw two marriages – with four kids between them – destroyed by a stupid, irrational fling. I saw some really delusional thinking taking place – as though life worked like a Hollywood romantic comedy. Staying married is hard – at least if both partners speak up about their needs/wants and genuinely try to be happy. But the work is rewarding. Of course if you’re unhappy the question becomes whether you feel the relationship can be salvaged. If not, just make sure you are being realistic about your old lover and what to expect. As someone else said – you broke up before for a reason. Is this really what you need to be happy?

  • Samantha

    August 15th, 2017 at 3:52 AM

    Sounds like my story last year, they planned to meet up in september,but a week into him cheating online,i went through his phn,and was beside myself,the voice msgs he didn delete,one msg i read,i called her,and he confronted me as to why i was rude,i wasnt,its what she told him i still dont trust him,had a nerve telling me not to be insercure,his ex from over 30yrs in cape town he looked up,we still together and he changed his nr,but is it over why me,was i not good enough for 25years

  • Rayhan

    December 4th, 2019 at 5:02 AM

    Hi Kydee i wanna talk with you i need an advise

  • Victoria

    August 4th, 2023 at 3:02 PM

    This is happening to me right now and I am living with my common law husband- we have been together for 15 years and out of the blue comes my high school sweetheart wanting to see me and have sex!

  • Raoul

    October 5th, 2017 at 6:53 AM

    This is the curse of social media. I had a lover in my mid-twenties who jilted me for an older man with a lucrative career. Now that he’s retired and the money’s all gone, she’s lurking on my social media and exhibiting her regrets.
    It’s torture for me to relive the earlier betrayal, but it’s hard to forget the occasional good times and the deep love I’d invested in the relationship. I’m married, been faithful, have a kid finishing college. and have a good life that I’ve built with my wife.
    One thing I’ve learned from rehashing the past is how much better my life is without that former lover. I contrast how much my wife has grown with me and how badly stuck my former marriage prospect became. I adore my dear wife ever more for her patience and faith in me, even though I had spent many years on the rebound from that narcissistic former lover.

  • n3o

    March 27th, 2018 at 2:28 PM

    I do understand the outcome would not be soothing. But think about the situation…
    I and my ex meet up someday forgetting the pain we both have gone through. But while discussing the breakup, I discovered that my spouse is the person who made a wrongdo to break us apart and later proposed and continue in currently being my spouse. The person I trusted, who have seen me loving my ex more than my life, the sufferings that I had recovering from the breakup, is the main to break our relationship.
    You have a very complex situation….
    You and your ex both still love each other but both of you are parents now.
    On the other side, to carry on with the reality, you have to continue with your spouse and kids.
    And again… can’t forgive the person who has made your life such lifeless.
    What would you do??

  • Jeanie

    October 29th, 2019 at 1:44 PM

    Hi all. I found this page after finding a screen shot of Colin’s story on my late husband’s tablet. And let me tell you, this hurts beyond belief. Your partners WILL find out, ether through you slipping up or after their death. My husband of 32 years had continued to exchange birthday cards with his previous love until I put my foot down about 20 years ago. He didn’t see anything wrong with it. Recently his best friend committed suicide and he was compelled to contact her again – she had introduced them – and he’d known his friend too adored her. Apparently I now know they had started a “deeply personal and loving” email exchange (his words) two years ago, and she was keen to rekindle their relationship, but he told his friends it was merely a bookend for him. He had hoped to reconnect in person with a visit to her city to meet some old friends but she decided she didn’t want to. Turned out she had had an affair with their mutual friend, now dead, and realized that would come out if they met in person. He (I later learned) had tried to give a mutual friend in her city a “gift” – some music, a story he’d written about their relationship and a letter – to pass onto her but fortunately the friend refused. Months later he learned about the affair with his now dead friend and was devastated all over again – and couldn’t talk to me either. Then a few months later he died of a sudden heart attack at only 56. So I’m left to find out about all this within weeks of his death and am so angry and distraught that our exceptionally happy marriage is now tainted with his obsession with his past love. He never confided in me about what was going on but did confide in friends, who had all tried to tell him she was a manipulative b****. It explains his strange behavior at the time. His story sounded so like Colin’s I thought it might be him on this forum, but I doubt that now. But he had kept a screen shot of Colin’s story – perhaps as a cautionary tale. Anyway, please don’t go there. While my husband returned to me in spirit when he realized the truth about this old flame, and he destroyed the story he’d written and tried to give her, he kept the covering letter – which of course I found when clearing out his things. It was hidden in a place he thought I’d never find it too, in a ceiling vent. Broke my heart all over again. Clearly he was still holding a candle even though he now knew the truth. And the guilt he would have felt over staying in contact with her would have severely affected his health too. Just don’t go there. You will destroy your life and your marriage and your wife/husband and family does not deserve to suffer for your juvenile chasing of an old feeling. Even if you’re now dead. I’m questioning everything these days and it has only compounded my grief.

  • Jeanie

    October 29th, 2019 at 6:51 PM

    And a postscript: I thought he had destroyed the story he wrote about their relationship when he found out about his friend’s and his girlfriend’s infidelity. It was about what happened when they reconnected, and how she rejected him again after the “loving emails”. But I have just found it all on his Google Drive. More pain. I realize it’s actually not about me, just him sorting a 30-year-old relationship he could never forget, but I am deeply sad that I’m just reduced to a vague “happily married” mention in this story about a lost love. Do NOT make contact. it will destroy you, and those close to you.

  • Alan

    January 20th, 2012 at 11:51 AM

    Talk about timing! Just this Wednesday I got an invite from my ex-girlfriend. I’m a college senior now and yes,I can relate to some of the things listed here. We were in sophomore year then and things were a lot better back then. I didn’t have the uncertainty of finding a job at least.

    One email after 2 years of the breakup reminded me of all the things we shared and experienced together. I haven’t responded to her invite, I’m still thinking about it. Frankly, it would be nice to get back with her because I’ve been single for almost a year now but I’m cautious. I cannot say I would definitely be able to resist but my advice to married folk-Please resist and stay away!

  • Brad

    January 20th, 2012 at 12:18 PM

    Don’t you think that if your marriage is strong to begin with then reconnecting is not going to be a problem? It can be fun to reminisce.

  • Robin

    October 17th, 2019 at 9:40 AM

    Ok then i guess u would not mind if your wife did the same thing. Good luck with that one!

  • Jeannie

    November 11th, 2019 at 6:28 PM

    Exactly Robin! I can imagine my husband would have had a fit if I ever did the same thing. And interestingly I remember asking him to please stop private messaging another perfectly innocent female friend as it wasn’t appropriate and we had a three-way message group for that. Even though I now know he had been secretly emailing and messaging his ex for months he never even flinched. So he knew full well how I’d feel about that sort of thing.

  • sharlen

    January 20th, 2012 at 11:39 PM

    nicely explained here.I wholly agree that it usually starts off innocently and with the intention of being friends but can quickly change course.maintaining a platonic relationship with a former flame is never going to be easy.

  • Hanna

    January 21st, 2012 at 9:41 AM

    Can you even imagine how hard it would be to tell your husband that you hooked back up with an old flame online and now you think that you have feelings fro him again? Oh wow that would be some trouble in my house for sure! He is so jealous of my exes and I guess I would have to admit that I am too, so the best thing for both of us to do is to completely ignore anyone form a past life that we find online.

  • gg

    January 21st, 2012 at 11:59 PM

    ignoring may be the best way…but is it the easiest? I dont think so!

  • Joni Sparkman

    January 22nd, 2012 at 7:13 AM

    I have had some friends who did think that this was harmless too, until they did start to feel something and that is when they finally realized that this was something that they needed to put the brakes on fast. I think you don’t realize the earm that it can do til you are in the midst of it, that is why you have to disengage before you really get into trouble.

  • Bobbi

    January 23rd, 2012 at 5:22 AM

    It might be ok to get reconnected, say hi chat about the families, but to do anything more than that is deceptive and should be left alone.


    January 23rd, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    Its never easy to just ignore a person you’ve been with.But think of it this way-Is the intended ‘friendship’ more important to you than your present relationship/marriage?

  • Ken

    June 3rd, 2012 at 12:12 AM

    You younger folks probably think that these situations are for you. I graduated from HS in 1955, and had a torrid love relationship with a girl who was 17 and I was 18. It ended when I went into the Army, and then after I served my enlistment we met once and picked up our relationship, including sex, for about a year. The problem is she had married while I was in the Army. Within a year it ended again, as her husband was killed. I continued attending a community college and then moved to another state, where I met another woman and married. We have four children and grandchildren when this woman found me on the internet and contacted me! I was surprised to say the least, but immediately told my wife simply that an old girl friend from HS had contacted me,and we had emailed each other. At first my wife who has been married to me for over 45 years was jealous, but after a short while said she was fine with us emailing. We still live in another state. Frankly, I would like to meet her again, see what she is like, and know she feels the same,but of course we are now older people and not the teenagers we had been. So it is still up in the air about this meeting, so kids, don’t think these type of feelings and situations are just for the young.

  • Valene

    December 27th, 2016 at 3:47 AM

    I agree with you Ken. I have been in touch with a teenage lover on and off for the past few years (I was 18 and he was 19) we are both now in our mid 50’s. It started with the normal catch-up about what we had done and our families (I have been married for over 30 years; he has been divorced for over 16 years and is single) about 6 months ago we started to talk more openly and it became evident that we both still found each other physically attractive. We live almost 4,000 miles apart and so the chances of ever meeting up are slim however this didn’t stop us from fantasising how it would be if we did get together again. I read more into this flirting than he meant and ended up making a fool of myself by suggesting that I could leave my husband – he freaked out and has since kept me at a distance – saying that we are friends nothing more. So this is just a little cautionary note that by trying to resurrect and old relationship you can ruin the friendship and may live to regret that

  • Janet

    September 26th, 2018 at 3:57 AM

    I have recently had my first love contact me after 42 years I was 14 when we split he was 17, he broke my heart. He has been married for many years and has children and grandchildren, I have never married and have no children. He lives over 4000 miles away has done for almost 30 years and is now suffering ill health which is terminal. When he made contact he said he had been looking for me for a long long time and that he had never forgotten me, always loved me and the only reason he ended the relationship was because he was having lots of hassle due to me being under age, he has apologised for hurting me so badly and pleaded with me to forgive him. He loves his children and grandchildren and says he loves his wife but has never loved her the way he loved me, he has always been the love of my life and I’ve never felt the same way about anyone else. I know we are never going to get to see each other again due to his illness and he needs his family to look after him but I am enjoying hearing from him everyday and reminiscing on old times and we have both remembered everything even though it was so long ago. I would really miss his messages if they stopped but I also know that due to his ill health they could stop anytime.

  • johnny d

    September 6th, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    wow, that sure is a lot of embellishment beyond the original question.

    I am Facebook friends with most of my old lovers. We dont have a spark or a longing, we’re jsut friends. The girlfriend I had just before marrying is good friends with my wife, and babysits for us. Again, no drama.

    This article isn’t about old lovers contacting you on facebook. It’s about having an affair. Not sure why it was presented as the former.

  • bronwen

    April 20th, 2013 at 1:18 PM

    Hey, I have a guy contacting me on every site I have ,at the moment its just Hi there how are you, etc but : firstly its from a guy I had a summer fling with when I was 15 in spain and yes just a kiss no sex: I am now 47 and very married.and dont speak spanish ! HELP, why ? x

  • Aimee

    July 16th, 2014 at 3:19 PM

    I emailed someone I was good friends with in hs and later dated in college- (we were each other’s first love and very attached; I broke it off because i got scared things were moving so fast.) I asked whether he was attending our class reunion. He said he wasn’t but asked how and what I was doing etc. So I answered with a brief summary and asked how about you? Now he hasn’t answered and I feel terrible– Can i email one more time just to apologize? Or will i make it worse? I did not mean anything improper at all, but we are both married and haven’t seen each other for 20+ yrs, live in different states.

  • ken

    November 15th, 2014 at 6:45 PM

    You have to consider the feelings of your partner I know that my present partner has contact with a person that they had a secular relationship with. They don’t know that or know or doesn’t care. I hinted that I know but they are oblivious. I am jealous. How d hold I feel. I must admit that I am hurt by this. There is no explanation that will make me feel brtter. I would have hope that t he affection that I shower would have killed any need for them to reconnect with any past lover. I’m crushed.

  • AJ

    September 25th, 2019 at 1:35 PM

    I know this thread is old but I am in the same boat. My wife has searched and found an old high school “first love”. They have been calling texting and messaging ever since. She says they are just friends and she’s not interested in him other than to be friends. However, she doesn’t know the extent of what I know of their conversations. One day she was showing me something on her computer and in the background of her screen I can see a text from him saying “are you alright?” I confronted her about it saying that is quite a intimate statement coming from just a friend. In my mind, it’s as if they got into some disagreement or something. I just don’t know. She brushed it off and somehow explained it away. The strange thing is, she changed the contact name to his number so it looks like one of her girlfriends texting her instead of him (just in case I see it again). I’ve since then been tracking their phone calls and texts through the phone bill and they talk and text every so often. I did manage to capture a few of their phone calls through the dashcam of the car. She seems very flirtatious toward him reminding him how he dumped her and how he broke her heart. She recently had a high school reunion which he didn’t attend. Of course she couldn’t wait to tell him about it. On a whim I found the conversation on the dashcam. She opened the conversation saying that “my husband was asking if he would have to compete with you at the reunion”. He laughed and he said “he needs to chill. Give him some milk”. My wife laughed along with him and said, he (me) will have to get over it. This really hurt. Keep in mind, we have no problems in our 4 year relationship (we recently got married about 3 years ago after a few short dating period of about a year). To her girlfriends she describes me as the “love of her life”. But to him she paints me out as a jealous insecure husband. I’m really upset about this but I hesitate to confront her because she’ll accuse me of spying on her. I’m not sure what to do and there is nobody to talk to about this.

  • jibryel

    March 19th, 2015 at 3:08 AM

    goin where the wind blows

  • mike

    April 23rd, 2015 at 3:28 PM

    Yes, the Internet unlocks the secret hiding place of people you could not find 20 or 30 years ago. I recently contacted a summer romance who I have not spoken to in 30 years. Actually I had no idea what happened to her after college. But on night, I was driving through a small town and all these memories came back because that was the town she was from. So, I wanted to know what happened to her. We some very few facts, I found her with now a different last name but living in the same State I moved to, which neither of us are from. We both have families and have both been married a long time. I spoken to her on the phone and she still has the same captivating voice I remembered long ago. There really is not much more to say as I don’t have any thoughts of more, but we both felt there must be some reason this happened. Perhaps it just completes a story that began one summer a long time ago. Wow now I feel old.

  • Michael

    June 17th, 2015 at 12:14 AM

    My wife and I are both connected to ex’s on Facebook and routinely see them when we go out with groups of friends. We talk about and aren’t bothered by this. We’re not naive: we’ve both had subtle (or not so subtle in her case) offers; we just tell one another when it happens and tell the people no.

    I think some people get freaked out about their spouse being around somebody they’ve had sex with because, at one point, their spouse was sexually attracted to this person. Since they were once attracted some spouses question whether maybe they still are still attracted. Well .. they might be! But attraction and action are entirely different and, if you trust your spouse, they won’t act on it. If you don’t trust your spouse, or if they’re not trustworthy, then this just seems like a red herring for deeper problems.

  • Gabria

    August 28th, 2015 at 7:50 PM

    Hey gen X-ers, here is our bind. We are now 40 plus and the lovers from our past have found us. They are usually unattached when they search us out. Wefind ourselves on the receiving end blindsided. We are in long-term, and in most-times (sadly) sexless, yet monogamous unions. We left them or they left us between 1980 something and the late 1990s. We were free in a retro-70s stance, full up on grunge and Clinton-era possibility. Those days are far behind yet still very close when the internet glares in our faces.Guess what: there were abortions, failed engagements, class issues, gay issues, many issues that tore our worlds apart. People from our past come out of the woodwork looking for healing in a more open-minded time. It still hurts though.

  • Lanise

    October 15th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

    Same situation here. Reconnected with first love about 3yrs ago. We are both married. 30yrs for me and about 22yrs for him. Our situation is a bit different however. There is a family relationship. My godmother is his aunt. So we grew up basically calling each other cousin, although no blood relation. We have also lived in two different states all our lives. Our relationship started when we were 14 and 15 yrs old. But..skip to the present. Within 2wks of reconnecting he states that “we should be married right now-5kids and watching the grandkids come”. That was 3yrs ago. We have been in a relationship since then. Half of the family (his side) knows we have started back up again. Both spouses have stumbled across errant emails or text. We love our spouses …. but. Can’t leave each other be. At a lose.

  • Dr. Mayur Jain

    November 20th, 2015 at 10:39 PM

    It’s not very easy to ignore your first love, I came in contact with her after 23 years and found that I still love her a lot. I texted her a couple of times, the response from her side is luke warm but…………her thoughts make me feel very comfortable.

  • Lanise

    November 23rd, 2015 at 8:38 PM

    Yes. I do understand.

    My situation is still the exact same. The only slightly difference is that there is more of a push to “drop all pretense” and basically go full heads up. Much to think about. Thx.

  • Suzan C.T

    December 4th, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    Please I need to know does that mean my exboyfriend still loves me? Because
    *My exboyfriend that was suppose to marry me but I dumped him and he got married 11 years ago but within this 11 years he make sure he phones me annually to cherk how am I doing.
    *when he speaks to me he.calls me with my clan name or with all my full names and my surname.
    *We are living in different cities but he phoned me and asked me to buy him a suit that I apparently bought him when we were still dating, because the suit I bought him before he got married is small and no longer in good condition
    *Does he still loves me?

  • Stephanie

    April 17th, 2016 at 2:42 PM

    I am in my 50′ s. My first love was a wonderful man. I was 18 he was 21. He has been with his partner 30 yrs and I am divorced but been with my new partner 11 yrs. My first love and I were engaged but I was too young and decided to end it. I broke his heart. Over the years I have
    Very thought of him a lot and recently found him on social media. We had coffee several times and discussed our families. My partner has had health problems for 5 yrs so our physical relationship is zero. The third time we met we kissed passionately. We will not leave our partners but we are both so passionate about each other. It’s a dilemma and the difficulties arise when you have feelings for each other that are deeper than friendship. We only grab an hour or two each week and I wonder what he is doing all the time. I don’t have the ability to concentrate on anything. I’m 55 and feel so young when I am with him.

  • Max

    April 20th, 2016 at 11:53 PM

    I am 65 years old and in a marriage with a man I met in college . We have been married for 44 years with two grown children. My husband has been unfaithful three times in the marriage at six year intervals. The last one was devastating and involved the woman accosting me at my home and involved the police. My husband maintained his innocence in all this but I cannot forget or forgive. When approached for intimacy there is always a problem.. My choosing the wrong time or wrong approach. I have endured this for years and cannot any more. I recently found my former lover from years ago whom I have never forgotten. We have been texting for almost a year . We want to meet but there are some circumstances that prevent me from doing such. He lives in Arizona and I in Florida. We had planned to get married all those years ago but I got cold feet with our first priority to finish school. He is divorced and I find myself wanting to see and talk with him more than on the phone. i have always loved him and we dated for two years. My husband I met after a breakup with my intended. I want to be with my former but neither of us have spoken beyond our unfinished business as we call it. We plan to meet this fall. Am I really looking at this realistically ?

  • deb

    May 17th, 2016 at 4:43 AM

    I’M lost i was married had three kids divorced and married to the man off my dreams. the problem is me and my ex boyfriend had drunk sex and after twenty years i fond out my last son is his, he has contacted me and told me what happened i always new my baby seemed different from the other two. and i did not remember cheating or ever having sex with this man but my son looks just like him. i’m in such a mess and don’t know what to do. this all happened in my 1st marriage. and after sixteen years off being with my 2 marriage i’m talking to this man and i don’t no what to do we have been making plans to see each other but with the info i got i could harm so many people please someone help me to do the right thing. do i tell my husband about my son we don’t have children together and tell each other everything. do i tell my ex my 3 child is not his, do i tell my 20 year old son he has a different father. please some one help

  • paula a

    October 24th, 2016 at 4:42 AM

    this is my life what did you do i need help on what to do

  • tammy

    October 31st, 2016 at 5:30 AM

    so i’m wondering what did you do??

  • Christina

    February 27th, 2017 at 6:23 PM

    What did you decide to do?

  • AF

    August 8th, 2017 at 10:00 AM

    There are no easy answers, but I would encourage you to be honest with your current partner. If you’re having feelings about this former lover then be honest with yourself about what you really want/need. My wife has cheated on me in the past, and dabbled online with former boyfriends. She says she’s happy now and we’ve done a lot of work to get here, but her serious high school boyfriend found her on Facebook a few months ago and they’ve been communicating. Luckily he’s on the other side of the country. Do I trust my wife? Mostly. However it hurts to think that after all we’ve been through that she may still be seeking something else. I believe this is simply “the grass is greener”, especially as we get older. It’s extremely easy to look back fondly on romances we had when we were younger – as the article says, we forget the bad stuff, plus there was no adult context. Frankly, I see no reason to be in contact with exes. What’s to come of it? What good will it do? What are you hoping to find? If you are unhappy in your current relationship then work on that. Rekindling old romances (when one or both of you are already in a relationship) isn’t a solution to any problems, it’s just a fantasy world to try to recapture some of what you felt when you were younger. Nostalgia is natural as we grow older, but these things just destroy marriages. Facebook and other social media often do far more harm than good.

  • Cc

    July 16th, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    Tell your son who his real father is. My mom died five years ago and I just found out through an old photo, hunches and a trip to another country about having a different father than the one I grew up calling dad. It explains so much in my life. I can finally make myself happy and move forward being happier. As for telling the father I don’t know what the point is after he’s grown. And telling your current partner would be helpful cuz he’s probably a stepparent and it would help him understand him better. Good luck!

  • Ellen

    August 8th, 2016 at 12:19 PM

    If its all so plutonic and just an innocent old friend- then bringing the person home for a bbq or catch up over coffee should be no problem…if a meeting was to be separate or clandestine then I think the relationship should not be renewed if you love your partner… I suppose its really a case of – what’s most important spending time and rekindling love within your marriage or trying to go back wards

  • Ann

    October 23rd, 2016 at 8:17 PM

    I recently reconnected with am old lover that I had not seen in 40+ years he is married and I am divorced. We met for coffee and talked for over 3 hours. I was nice. He had been so upset over hurting me and even though I had let go I feel it was something he needed to resolve. We talked about thoings that had both happened to us over the years and I am glad we met. I helps both of us to grow and have closure. As long as you are mature about it. I see no harm.

  • KH

    October 30th, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    I was just contacted by my old boyfriend I hadnt seen in 15 yrs. He wants to meetup,t old me he’s always loved me.. I’m afraid he has this old image of me in his head of being young and hot..great sex . I’m 15 yrs older now in my 50s. I’m a grama.. gained weight. Alot of feelings stirred up hearing from him…like you dumped me when I was skinny n sexy what do you possibly want with me now? I’d like to see him again because I did love him alot.. but I think I should just let him keep the old memories of me…

  • Mega

    October 31st, 2016 at 4:03 AM

    Hi all,so ive been going through all the comments and stuff and can relate to so many of you guys. im going to be married for only 4 years now in December we have an 2 year old son,but one of my past flames also just started making contact with me during the last 3 months,we are actually meeting this weekend without my husband knowing. i know this is sooooo wrong in soooo many ways,but i do feel the urge to just be with this person one last time,we never got the chance to say goodbye in the past and he has always been in my thought vis verca….the feelings we still have for eachother is incredibly strong. i dont know what to do. and it almost seem that im no longer physically atracted to my husband anymore and this did not happen now,it has been awhile. there has been alot of things has happened between me and my husband making me even want to be in this marriage anymore. he use to drink alot and verbally abuse me aswell as to pusshing and pulling me around and then he dont care if he does that infront of our child,the last time he did that were about 3 months ago and i wanted to get an divorce only then did he sincerely appoligised and started to drink less and it was in that time frame were my ex stepped in. dont get me wrong i love my husband ALOT sometimes it feels like we are so used to being together dont even know if it is love anymore.

  • tammy

    November 1st, 2016 at 5:00 AM

    please i’m going though so much know that i did it, h its so much fun at the beginning and then it just gets to hard enjoy the failings you have do not act on them its to much pain.

  • Brandon B.

    January 2nd, 2017 at 12:34 PM

    Hey. Just read your post. I am going through the exact same thing right now. I too have a lot of feelings and I can say love for the woman I am going to meet with this Friday. I told my wife at first that we were talking but since have not decided to tell her that we are going to meet each other this week. I have so many emotions for this woman. But really don’t know how it is going to go. When we talk I can tell and she has told me that she still has feeling for me. We were young but had a very strong relationship. And unfortunately I had to move. Across the nation. Just today she told me that it was my fault that we aren’t still together today. Me personally it has been a struggle with my marriage and I am gonna go see her. And what ever happens well I’m gonna go with. I do love this woman and always have. We didn’t leave on bad terms I just had to move. I hope what ever you did was the right thing for you. I feel like that of we are seeing each other again than it was meant to be. I truly believe in true love and I’m pretty sure she is the one.

  • AF

    August 8th, 2017 at 10:25 AM

    It’s so easy to see what you don’t have as what you “need”. Limited contact with an old flame is idealized, you aren’t dealing with stresses and daily hassles. You can imagine the storybook romance that your life would be with this person. But it’s just a fantasy. You don’t really know this person anymore. So before you do anything make sure that you’re willing to destroy your marriage for this. Have you worked on your marriage? Being with one person for a long time isn’t easy, it takes work, but it’s worth it. Chasing after past romances may seem like a good idea, but it’s not reality. If you’re truly unhappy then get out of your marriage before moving on to someone else – at least do your partner that courtesy.

  • Sarah

    January 16th, 2017 at 12:24 PM

    Please take it from me. Don’t do it. My ex from high school that I haven’t seen or spoken in 26 yrs send me friend requested me and I accepted. After a short affair I was the one married he was single he wanted me to leave my husband and be with him. After a lot of pressure and wishful thinking I did just that. And I’m telling you it was great. And so much excitement which was short lived. He was a drunk and very controlling he made me see that all my husbands faults weren’t actually that bad. We’ve been married 11 years. So here I am three months later humiliated family want speak to me , luckily my husband knows everything and we are working on repairing our marriage!! I hate that I cheated I live with the shame and guilt everyday I wake up .. and me and the ex-lover have lost our friendship , he hates me and has talked about me so I have to live with all these feelings … I’m lucky to have a husband that saw it he asked two to make a marriage and two too break it.. we are on the road to healing and has forgiven me but I haven’t forgiven myself for allowing this behavior. Don’t do it.

  • salina

    March 23rd, 2017 at 4:16 AM

    hi brandon
    any update

  • tammy

    October 31st, 2016 at 5:04 AM

    Don’t do it its to much heartbreak

  • Mega

    October 31st, 2016 at 9:49 AM

    I know that if it comes out and it eventually will its gonna cause alot of heartache…mostly i think that everything that has happened in my marriage these past 4 years drove me to this point (and im not making excuses) i use to be someone judging people who is exactly what im doing ceucifying them because it is SO wrong to have an affair and yet look where im at !! Its come to a point where i dont know how or if i even want ro fix it !! To be honest sometimes i wish my husband could do something bad enough to give me a reason to walk out of this marriage but ywt again dont know if ill ever be able to cope without him and know that despite all the wrong ill miss him alot. And im not saying i want a divorce to be with this other guy,i just feel so trapped,and like i have to pretend my whole being !! I dont even know if im making ANY sense now.

  • tammy

    November 1st, 2016 at 5:12 AM

    I do understand what you are saying i’ve had the same failings. and i acted on it and it was fun but i’m not in love with my ex i thought i was. i just wish it never happened and i’m the one with all the gilt and i’m a mess its just is not that easy and my life has changed so much i also cant get ride off my ex he keeps telling people and i have to come clean. i’m the person that talked about woman like me and know i’m one and the pain im going to put on my family im lost.

  • Mega

    November 1st, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    Hey Tammy !! Wow why did he have to go and tell people…i think the difference between my situation and yours is that i do love my ex and cares about him alot,never believed one can love 2 people at the same time… He actually have been asking me to give him another chance to show me how much he cares and loves me and all of that,but also told he dont want to tear my family apart or be the reason for it. The thing is he came back into my life when i was at my lowest regarding my marriage,and im already feeling the guilt though nothing has happened yet but the emotional cheating is already eating me from the inside…and then theres this 1000 questions im asking myself about were me and my husband even meant to be we did rush into getting married when he had to move away for work.we got married in a months time !! And then i knew that he was like this that he has a bad temper and that he already did slap me twice in our relationship but never again after that whenever we have a big fight and he had something to drink he would hit a door,wall or throw something and i dont want expose my child to that kind of life !! The past 3 months have been much beter tho but is it for real ? Will it stay like this ? When will he flip again to a point that im scared for my life or even my childs life ? This is not the kind of life i want to live !! And most certainly not the life for my child…yet when im at home i have to suporess my feelings and be his wife,but constantly thinking about someone else !! 😥

    I hope your ok,and tho i dont know you i know what u are going through.

  • tammy

    November 2nd, 2016 at 5:12 AM

    There is no difference i am deeply in love with my husband he is a wonderful man i’ve been with him for 16 years and he has never hurt me, alway loving i melt in his arms still. but the other man was a old boyfriend that i had a child with and did not know it was his. he always seem to come back in my life when its to late and know he wants me more i do love him and i also love my husband this is so hard and why is it happening to me? you should never let a man put his hands on you and never give a second chance that is not love, you you need to do whats best for you and your children. im just saying its so hard when you do let your self go and give your self to the other man. but god you do fail so alive, and then it gets to you and start to wear on you. it becomes a regret . please think it all though first.

  • tammy

    November 2nd, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    I’M lost i was married had three kids divorced and married to the man off my dreams. the problem is me and my ex boyfriend had drunk sex and after twenty years i fond out my last son is his, he has contacted me and told me what happened i always new my baby seemed different from the other two. and i did not remember cheating or ever having sex with this man but my son looks just like him. i’m in such a mess and don’t know what to do. this all happened in my 1st marriage. and after sixteen years off being with my 2 marriage i’m talking to this man and i don’t no what to do we have been making plans to see each other but with the info i got i could harm so many people please someone help me to do the right thing. do i tell my husband about my son we don’t have children together and tell each other everything. do i tell my ex my 3 child is not his, do i tell my 20 year old son he has a different father this is how my journey started.

  • Mega

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:53 AM

    Wow Tammy that is alot to deal with,i dont know what to say to you do you tel your husband and most importantly your son … I would have probably let it kill me from the inside because to break news like that after 20years will cause alot of heartache,tho they say its best to come clean. Dont think im in the position to give any advise 😥 and yes i should not have given him a second chance but im a sucker for second chances and always believing someone can change or seeing the good in people

  • tammy

    November 2nd, 2016 at 10:35 AM

    please don’t make the same mistakes and go with him you will love it at first but then it hits you like a tun off bricks to much pain, if you are giving him a chance then do that, if he messes up go for it. look at me giving advice when i cant help my self.

  • Mega

    November 2nd, 2016 at 10:48 AM

    Thanks alot Tammy,just wish i could do the same for you !! I would have propbably took that to the grave with me.

  • jda-m

    November 9th, 2016 at 6:26 AM

    I got in touch with my first “love” after almost 37 years. He was the first man I ever slept with and I was hopelessly infatuated with him at that time. He is 6-7 years older than me, and when I was 19/20 and he was 26/27, he was so different from other any other “boys” I knew and just so thrilling to be around. It was a challenging situation because I met him as a result of he and his brothers being close friends with my father and stepmother and also one of his younger brother being engaged (briefly) to my sister. My father did NOT want me to get involved with any of these brothers. They were in a local rock band and they always had a queue of girls hanging around, panting after them. So my relationship with this person had to be a secret and I lied to my family about it and we sneaked around. The guy made it fairly plain that he did not want any sort of committed or long term thing, but of course I was smitten and hoped he would eventually be, too. Well of course it all fell apart after 6-8 months. I met someone else a few years later and got married, had a couple of kids who are now grown, and have had a very successful life, marriage, etc. My sister (who had been engaged to his brother) died a few years ago. It was a tragic thing. She had no children of her own and had been very close to my kids. In an effort to pull together a “memory book” of their aunt for my children, I contacted some people from her past to contribute some stories or memories. I thought of these brothers and all the years that have passed. I looked them up and was able to find the one who’d been engaged to my sis as well as the one I was so taken by. I wrote very innocent messages to both, asking them if they’d be willing to share any thoughts about my sister. –I live far away from where all of this happened, BTW, and my father and stepmother had fallen out of touch with all of the brothers. Though I had thought of the one I’d been with from time to time, he had pretty much slipped away from my thoughts. The only man I’ve ever been with besides my husband was him however, so I could never completely forget him. I will confess that part of my looking these guys up has been a lot of disruption in my life; both my kids now being grown and out of the house, retirement looming, uncertainty about the future, disinterest in me from my husband (and I always had a stronger libido than him), a general feeling of boredom and restlessness. Both the former fiance of my sis and my former lover responded to me and that was sort of nice. However, even though I sort of imagined the guy from my past might not even really remember me, he most definitely did and in his first message back to me, made some reference to how sexy I had been and he cited a particular episode of my wearing some lingerie that was a turn-on to him. This hit me like a punch in the gut. We never had a “break up” since our “relationship” was so clandestine and non-monogamous (I think) on his part. He basically just sort of began ignoring me and discarded me. At the time, I figured I must have been a “lousy lay”. He has now assured me that was not the case. At first I told my husband about the messages and even told him what this guy had said about me being “sexy”, etc. And I found myself totally caught up in the fantasy of remembering how exciting those times with this guy had been. I began just craving those words from him, him calling me “honey” and “sweetheart”, etc. I am a professional woman now, in my mid-50s, and I supervise people and NO ONE would dare talk like that to me–I wouldn’t tolerate it. My husband rarely talks that way to me. But I love it from this guy. He is divorced and lives several states away. He has suggested that we videochat or talk on the phone, but I have refused to do that. We have now been in contact for about 8 months. I feel like a fool over all of this. I fantasize about him almost constantly. I am trying to keep some distance by refusing to talk on the phone (I think it would be incredibly emotional to hear his voice) and I never sign any messages with my name but just use initials. I realize this is not real. I keep telling myself I am not “having an affair”, but am just enjoying a fantasy. I have a basically great marriage (my husband is also a professional and we have a good life together) but it is totally lacking in excitement. I feel like I need more and have tried to convey that to my husband. I am seeing a counselor about all of this. I feel like a weak and bad person for indulging in this flirtation. My husband knows I am still in email contact with this guy, but has little patience for it any more. I don’t hide it from him, but he has said he doesn’t want to hear the guy’s name ever again. So I can’t talk about it to him. And though most of my exchanges with the person have been fairly benign and friendly/chatty, he has almost always managed to slip in some sort of flattering or titillating comment. (He also used to be very, very handsome while I was passably pretty–now he is showing his age and doesn’t look so hot whereas I have taken very good care of myself and look pretty darned good). Recently he totally crossed the line and wrote some extremely graphic sexual things. I scolded him for it and asked him to think about what he is doing and the potential for damage to my husband or my marriage. He said he has no intention of messing up my marriage–but in a lot of ways, he already has because I am so foolishly and school-girlishly smitten with him again. Can someone offer some advice? This is so incredibly hard. I never thought I would be a person struggling with something like this. Most people who know me would be floored if they knew about this. I feel like I want to say and express what’s in my heart since life is short and I’ve always been just sort of uptight and controlled, but I don’t want to hurt anyone and I know I could have no future with this person and I would not want to but the flirtation is intoxicating. I am just struggling so hard over this. It’s very painful and I am not a sneaky or secretive person by nature. Please help with any ideas.

  • Alice

    November 10th, 2016 at 11:31 PM

    What has your counselor recommended? My high school ex recently contacted me. We haven’t spoken much in about 35 years. He is separated and his wife is filing for divorce. I am married and things are okay. It is the second marriage for both of us and we have no children together. Now I am thinking I should have sought counseling before. My first husband was very abusive and I don’t think I really got over my pain, fear, and insecurities. My HS boyfriend has said he still loves me very much and wishes he could have saved me from the pain of my first marriage. Nothing has happened but it is wonderful talking with him but I realize a part of that just may be my emotional vulnerability. It’s a really tough situation.

  • jda-m

    November 16th, 2016 at 1:46 PM

    Dear Alice,
    Thank you for your message. I truly appreciate it. What do you think will ultimately happen between you and your HS boyfriend? I certainly understand the emtional vulnerability part of all of this.

    Well my therapist says for me to be very careful and aware of the potential for harm to my marriage and hurt to my husband. I certainly understand this. And I don’t want to hurt anyone. This has gotten worse in the past few days as an old girlfriend of mine from my HS days recently cleared out some things from her parent’s home and sent me a sheaf of letters I had written her many years ago. Among those were many I wrote wherein I talked at some length about this relationship with my old boyfriend and it was EXTREMELY hard on me to read these. I wish I’d never seen them. I realized I had lied to myself for many years, minimizing how strong my feelings for him were, how romantic and beautiful the lovemaking was, etc. Now I am just feeling so terrible and emotionally fragile. I have found myself wishing I could just die. It seems so melodramatic in a way but I feel like the beauty of that past is long, long gone and I can never have that sort of happiness again. I start to feel like the rest of my life is just a downhill slide now, with no excitement and no one needing me anymore. I realize this is all caught up with unresolved grief and sadness at the loss of my sister (who was a big part of my life during those years–in fact she pushed this former love and I together in the first place), the death of a beloved pet, my kids grown and gone, etc. I am just miserable. I have contemplated talking openly to my husband about this and suggesting that I go to visit my old lover and get a dose of reality. How icky a person does make me?? But I wonder if I could then maybe “get over it”. I know he’s not the person he once was. I don’t and wouldn’t want a “relationship” with him. He lives in extremely poor circumstances I think and I think he doesn’t take very good care of himself. But I feel an overwhelming desire and longing for him. The idea of even thinking of this, talking to my husband about it, etc. just feels so terrible and awful. And then I wonder what, if anything, could be really solved by that. Maybe I’m fundamentally a dissatisfied sort of person–sometimes my husband suggests that to me. I am really rambling now, so forgive me. Anyway, I am suffering and crying a lot over all of this.
    Alice, I wish you the best of luck. It must feel fulfilling on some level though maybe also very conflicting to have this former boyfriend of yours confess he loves you. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered in your previous marriage. I am not dealing with that sort of issue, but certainly with issues of a really messed up home life growing up.

  • John

    January 8th, 2017 at 8:50 AM

    What an amazing site. You think you’re the only one then you realise that there’s half the world suffering from the same deranged pituitary and adrenal glands. The former insisting you need to get into bed and the latter demanding eternal and undying love and affection helped by a small shot of Oxytocin released into your cerebrospinal fluid , the bulk in the bloodstream of course has an entirely different function. And we are supposed to make sense of all this ? – Yeah good luck with that. Contact and response online or not, it doesn’t matter exactly how contact is made.

    After a holiday romance with a lovely attractive girl, week-end visits and a few holidays, I married someone I didn’t really know inside out. Fuelled with excess Oestrogen and Testosterone, the first 10 years and 3 babies went swimmingly well, when I noticed that there was a distinct drop in interest in me from my wife after each. I did raise the issue with the response “what do you expect!”

    At this time I was working with a drop-dead gorgeous young woman in the office and on-site visits. She was having “unreasonable husband” problems due to drinking. Two or three of us were sitting chatting to her and she said her husband would rather drink than come home to find “dinner-in-the-dog”. Fatally, I suggested if she were my wife then I would not let her out of my site. I have never cleared an office so fast! After knowing each other and our emotions and responses really well without any pressures we fell in love and had a deep meaningful love affair. We were both on cloud 9 for a couple of years, then I had to move jobs and we both had emotional meltdowns. She had got divorced by then and coped better than I did due to my family finding out the whole story. We parted sexually with great lasting pain, but it took another 5 years and another marriage of hers for us to let go of each other. Eventually during a phone call of mine I realised she had met the Mr Right I had begged her to find for years. She cut me adrift, we said goodbye and I wast emotionally lost-at-sea until today (27 years later).
    She fell out of love with me by falling in love again, and marrying. I with a family did not have this satisfactory evolutionary-biological option, and to this day I can wake up with a wet pillow at 4 am thinking about what she used to be to me, mean to me – attentive loving affectionate tactile selfless, which can overwhelm my thoughts for large portions of each day. I know from FBk that she remembers who I am and even by deduction, my birthday. Her husband tragically died after 14 years and a further 13 have passed and she has made no contact.
    Our love affair has left us a billion miles apart emotionally, she has moved on and I am stuck lost where she left me. I am resigned that the love and need for what she used to be will eat at me forever, but knowing it is false and she can no longer be anything like the same person now doesn’t change anything.

    So my friends, if you are married with children, Do Not have or even contemplate a meeting that could lead to an affair unless you are Hell-bent on self-destruction. Long-term fun,fun,fun it definitely ain’t. Best of luck overcoming your desires with common-sense.

  • Andrew

    January 13th, 2017 at 10:47 AM

    John, thanks for sharing your life and the insight it provides into my future if I don’t get a grip on my own destiny. I know what is right and what is wrong, and not to act on the impulse of my inner feelings, which cannot be real after all this time. It feels like an infatuation, and I am flattered by the interest shown towards me.

  • Andrew

    November 21st, 2016 at 7:53 AM

    Like most others here i have the same issue.
    I’m 52 and happily married. I was recently contacted on FB by my ex from 28 years ago. We were very happy for several years living together but both of us suspected the other of cheating. I might add that i was never unfaithful to her and can only take her word that she never cheated on me. So eventually she moved out and we moved on with our lives, bumping very occasionally into each other. On one occasion we we got quite close but did not act on it.
    So fast forward 28 years, I am happily married with 2 grown up children living in a different country. She is in her second marriage with no children. About 3 months back I got a FB friend request for her. I had previously looked for her on FB but without success. I accepted straight away and the text chats began. We are now talking on the phone for hours and really been honest about the reasons why we split up. Obviously there is no reason to lie now. We are now talking on the phone for hours exchanging romantic songs of breakup etc and like many others, spoke about meeting up. I am now 4500 miles away from her but would get on a plane tomorrow if I could.
    My marriage is pretty perfect. i love my wife and children very much and never looked at another woman in the time we have been together, but here I am now yearning for my old flame. I am very confused and my waking hours are domintated by thoughts of her, and much of my sleep.
    I know what i should do, but I can’t let go. I thought I was alone with my problem and came to this site seeking help, only to discover my problem is not unique. There is a simple answer but its is not what i or most others in my position want to hear. If I could turn my life back 28 years and do it all again, would I do it differently? Maybe but then I would not have my wonderful family.
    It is only a matter of time till I return to my home country for a visit and I know that i will end up seeing my ex and i know it will be the path of self destruction. I just don’t think I am strong enough to resist this feeling I have.
    I do know, I will live to regret it. I will eventually make a mistake and forget to delete my message history or my ex will, and our worlds will come tumbling down.
    Why do I continue when the writing on the wall is so clear? I do not know, I need to see her, I need her. The question is do I need her more than my wife. I guess only time will tell, probably when it is all too late and I end up living a lonely life alone.
    Please someone help me wake up form this nightmare

  • Zoya

    November 30th, 2016 at 8:06 PM

    I am in the exact same predicament. I need him. I am happy with my husband and two beautiful children. But. I need him. I can’t explain. It is beyond me. Let me know what happens. And good luck. xo.

  • tammy

    November 22nd, 2016 at 4:33 AM

    It is so hard but im in love with a fantasy. and i have acked on my failings know im so deep i can’t get out my ex wants me to leave my Husband and i could never do that to him. i love my husband I have a very good life, but know i have this ugly secret that is killing me, so please end it befor it gets to the point of no return .

  • Andrew

    November 22nd, 2016 at 2:32 PM

    You are so right and I know it, I am trying, but it is only the 4500 miles distance that is stopping me.
    I know what i should do. I have never been so weak to temptation before. I will be heading back in the new year to visit family. I hope I have my head straight by than and act smart.

  • Jd a-m

    December 5th, 2016 at 7:28 AM

    I think Tammy really has the right answer for all of us, and we know it, even though this is terribly hard to face. The very best option is to stop the contact and do not seriously consider giving in to the temptation. It is incredible how overwhelming it is, I certainly understand that. The potential for harm to yourself and others in your life is not worth the fleeting pleasure a tryst with this person could bring.

  • Al-S-K

    December 14th, 2016 at 6:57 AM

    I have a female friend that I have known for over 30 years. We were the best of friends, but were never quite a couple because of the friendship. However, the love was, and always has been stronger than imagined! It is my fault that we aren’t together. Years ago, I didn’t risk that valuable friendship. Instead, I allowed hormones to get interfere and dated other girls that would allow more. This put some distance between us and we ended up marrying other people. Although we stayed in touch, we, and others, could still feel the deep connection between us. We ended up reconnecting on social media and the love still exists. Some of the conversations still mention the mistakes and that we should have been a couple. There really is no doubt! I miss her and she misses me, too! The thing is, we are both too loyal to act upon it, but the ache of the heart is terrible!! How can one live with this?

  • Andrew

    December 16th, 2016 at 9:21 AM

    I can sympathize with the situation you are trying to come to terms with.
    I think all the advice given on this forum is correct. I had went a couple of weeks without talking to my ex, and after a couple of days I started to feel a bit better, my life began to come back into focus and able to get on with my real life with my wife. Its easy to say to break all contacts with your friend, and I would love to do that in my situation too, but I know how difficult it is.
    I have yet to take my own advice but have had some relief by not talking to my ex, and getting my head straight, to some degree. I hope I see sense soon and break that social media connection. I wish you well with your situation.

  • John

    January 8th, 2017 at 10:27 AM

    My first love relationship was deliberately devoid of sex; she was 15 then. We went out for 2 years and loved each other’s company but still remained virgins, we were practically joined at the hip. Eventually with raging hormones I was a bit too aggressive in attitude and lacking in softer understanding feelings and actions. All my own fault; she was still only 17 with no experience of roping stallions. She was away on the job training and wrote to me to end our relationship; I was quite devastated but had only myself to blame. I kept tabs on her through my Mum who worked with her and was very fond of her and very cross with me. She got engaged/disengaged, married/unmarried and eventually found the (second?)love of her life.
    Many years later when Social media was started she found me and messaged me expecting I hated her for dumping me. I responded saying I was glad that she was happily married with a child and that I had never blamed her for anything at all, it was all my own making. I told her I believed she must still be the truly lovely natured wonderful person that I let go.

    We exchanged emails and wrote to each other regularly, weekly in the early days, I told my wife that I was writing to her and she told her husband too. Some of her content was pretty personal and I respected that and was/am always careful, thoughtful and generous in my responses. What I didn’t know at the time was the reason she had taken the risk contacting me. All because she was pretty poorly with severe depression, and it transpired years later that I had helped her come out of it.

    In fact 17 years later we still telephone/text/message/chat each other weekly, and send a reminder if we don’t hear just to know we are ok. Some of our content still is pretty personal – we are each other’s confidant and advisor. I think we both believe we are highly blessed to have such a close friend that cares only for our wellbeing.
    We certainly love each other and our spouses don’t see anything wrong in that. I know her husband pretty well, and he calls to her when I ring up “XX your other lover is on the phone Come-on he won’t wait forever” “I have so far” I said! There is a tinge of love-lost but it certainly isn’t wasted.

    We all meet up bi-annually when we can fit it in. It does work perfectly, we live well with it.

  • So Confused

    December 27th, 2016 at 6:29 AM

    I am in the same situation as everyone else. My first love and I met in high school over 20 years ago. We dated for a while but then he left to basic training and we lost contact. Every 5-6 years our paths cross. We see each other in the states that we are living in or we find one another on social media. I am currently married and have been for 19 years (with a few separations thrown in there). During this time my first love and I have hooked up a few times and he is always wanting to be with me. He hasnt asked me to leave my husband but he always tells me he will be there waiting for me. So once again he has come back into my life, and once again the feelings are so overwhelming. My married life has been a lot of ups and downs but right now we are fine. I have these feelings like I just want to be with my first love but I cant just leave either. Im so lost.

  • realizing my mistakes

    December 29th, 2016 at 8:40 PM

    When I was 17y.o. which was way back in the early 80’s…Madonna days..lol and fake i.d.s going to bars and night cliubs; I found myself seeing one guy that one night. I looked at my friends who I was with and said; “That is the guy I am going to marry” . and of course we introduced ourselves because he also noticed me at thae same moment. we danced, talked for hours. He called after that night and it did not stop for a VERY LONG time. Things happen. I had an on/off boyfriend since high school. I was torn between the both. I could not stop seeing this guy I knew was going to be my soul mate. Trials and tribulations had seperated us. He ended up in the marines and I ended up marrying my boyfriend since high school. We had a beautiful set of identical twin girls (which of course was the ONLY good thing we had done together). After all the abuse emotional and physical I ended up taking the twins and myself back to my parents. I ended up with that perfect guy I knew I was going to marry. After a few years, we bought a house, we made things happen. I ended up getting pregnant with him and it was a almost perfect life. We did not plan the pregnancy, but we were both happy even my twins were excited. After having the baby I got to take leave from my job…then he wanted me to stay home until the baby was old enough to go to a day care..meaning she needed to walk, talk and go potty by herself. That child did not take anytime for that! She was just like the twins! By the time she was 18 months, she was doing it all. After years of goin back to my regular jog, Unfortunately my job lapsed and I needed to find another one. I was always into sales, customer service jobs.. but could not find any 9-5 jobs. I found a job serving in a restaurant.. I trained as a server, then upped my way to bartender, then upped my way to management and did it all. I was always working, hardly ever home and I ended up on the fast track. The worst mistake of my life. The money was GREAT!. The lifestyle seemed great…but I got more away from home life. And because of me and my stupid mistakes I lost him. For 12 years I thought life was a party. I took great care of my children, but my time was my time. I regret every moment of what I did. In 2012 I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer which turned into metastatic stage 4 cancer. I believe that this happened due to what I did. I truly believe this is my punishment. And I do not blame the higher power for this. It has made me stronger than ever. And I realize all the mistakes and hurt I put upon my one and true love who took in my twins as his own, who provided me and the children everythingwhile we were together and even after we were apart. Recently I had to move out of state. After losing our home which he allowed me and the children to stay in due to my inability to work due to my illness and our agreement…I contacted him and asked if he would please meet me. He did. I asked for his forgiveness and wanted to know how much he hated me for all that I caused. This absolutely wonderful man looked at me and held my arm and said he had forgiven me a very long time ago. So for the past few months its just been a couple texts a Christmas card to him, his family because they are just as wonderful as him. I believe in miracles. I believe there are chances of reuniting with this most special person, other than my children and grandchildren will happen. I have been fighting this stupid disease since 2012. I am not giving up for ANYTHING! And after seeing a few of my old friends reuniting with their exes, it just gives me more hope and positivity. Because it keep me going! Love holds no bars. Nothing Beats a failure like a try! Optimism is healthier than pessimism..So I believe I will win both fights!!! I truly believe!!

  • Blue

    December 31st, 2016 at 6:30 AM

    In 2008 after a bad time in my life I contacted an old boyfriend first true love on fb knowing he had been looking for me years before
    Anyway we chatted on fb for ages catching up and he was married we agreed to meet and its was just like old times we continued to see each other for 6 years he was now separated but ever time I go visit him I had to hide ! and he would still go up home after work and drop me off at flat , I was always hidden anyway one day his ex wife phoned and he called her Annie not Ann so I messaged him and said STOP go home and be happy I walked away
    year later I message on fb comes up now getting divorce I never went back when you dumped and he messaged more then find out he dating someone else and gone away with her and going to Australia next year I said cool and hope he was happy funny how his messages stopped while he with her feel like a booty call so now I have replied said good luck and deleted and blocked all contact and said I have got engaged (not)
    He has hurt and confused me so much and is away with new Girlfriend Enough I deserve so much more

  • Diane

    January 5th, 2017 at 10:40 PM

    I am happily married for 30+ years. I do indeed remember my first (okay, maybe second) “love”, who was never, ever a true love, as I see it now. We dated in college intermittently, then seriously after college; serious enough that he discussed marriage with me many times. He met my parents; I met his. We discussed our parents meeting each other. He left me when I was, I think, 26 years old because he met another woman while he was in grad school in another state. I am embarrassed to say I dealt with this situation badly by drinking too much and trying to hang on to him, which he allowed, until his new girlfriend returned from wherever she was. For some time, I wondered what I did wrong because I lingered over my perception of the “wonderful times” of our relationship, brief as they were, when I believed he did care for me. I now understand that he was a serial cheater, as he was in college, all along. Weirdly, my father, not one to intrude on the personal lives of his children, urged me to change jobs after the end of this relationship, and I did. I had a very successful career in finance and met my husband. We are happily married for 30 years +, and we have two adult children we treasure. Rest in Peace, Dad, and thank you. I love you.
    Back to the subject at hand: the answer to this question is this: No I would never contact this man for any reason. Nor do I think he would contact me. It is a chapter closed a long time ago that I never wish to revisit. I hope this comment is helpful to someone.

  • Angela

    January 14th, 2017 at 9:47 AM

    I am in the same situation my husband contacted his first love on FB (they were both 17 years of age ) he is 54 now. They met for coffee and the love rekindle he told me. He dropped the bomb left and moved in with her immediately. I begged him to come back and try and salvage our marriage he refused. He is not the man I once knew he is cold . He travels 120 miles each day to his job she lives that far away. They are parading around as husband and wife with no regard for my feelings . He immediately changed his profile on FB from married to being in a relationship with her, she changed her profile picture to one of both of them smiling. She has been separated for 12 years her children left home. I am now 62 alone children also left home and living in different countries . Our marriage had its difficulties like most nothing large enough for him to do this. He is still 2 years on giving me some money . I work part-time and don’t earn enough to run the home. I have worked for many years which was a help with substituting his income as he is self employed. I am now very lonley and miss him very much. He has hurt me so much the pain is unbearable .

  • jebus

    April 29th, 2017 at 8:39 PM

    The problem it seems reading all these posts that times have changed and it’s nearly impossible to escape the past these days. Social media is an absolute evil , especially for those of us that still lingers after love lost. I made the grave mistake to join FB and connect with my first love. I had never gotten over her or the way that we broke up. We were 16 and were only together for 6 months but the feelings I had for her I have never experienced with any other woman. She has haunted me since age 16 and now at 39 I have finally given up on chasing something I’ll never get back. Reaching out to her was a big mistake and just set me back years in my recovery. I call it recovery because I know by now she will never leave my dreams and thoughts. You just find ways to live with it. I deleted all my social media accounts and it’s definitely helped. There is a reason people lose contact. We are not meant to stay part of everyone’s lives. Social media breaks up relationships and control people’s lives

  • Netty

    February 7th, 2017 at 6:35 AM

    Ive been married for seventeen years . The marriage has not been easy and still together now for the sake of the business in which I work full time. I am totally dependent on my husband for my job,home and income. We don’t have children. Five years ago my husband took up with a neighbour who lives here for a couple of months each year and then she disappears back to her own life in the US. I was completely devastated when I discovered their relationship. The lies and deceit of the past few years , late night whispered phone calls etc etc..will never go away and to be honest I more or less accepted that this was ‘my lot’ and I either had to accept how it was or leave. My girl friends have often suggested I find a lover to fill the gaps in my life but honestly never thought I could until now..
    Two months ago an ex contacted me via FB. He is single we are both late fifties.
    We now have been messaging most days I love his attention and lovely comments, I feel very special and loved. I don’t know what to think anymore about the sort of person I really am. We plan to meet up soon ….he lives a boat ride away ….and who knows how it will go and what will happen. My whole mind is taken up now with this person, I can’t think straight it’s very weird and like other people have commented above I feel like it’s a destiny for this to happen to me now. I know I could lose all the things in life that matter to me like my house, my job but I can’t seem to stop myself…I’m just looking for some love I suppose and what is wrong with that?

  • Netty

    February 17th, 2017 at 12:39 AM

    Just to provide and update ….. I couldn’t bear the thoughts so told my husband what was happening and came and met up with my ex yesterday evening….. 23 years is a long time but after an hour or so we were chatting away like we’d never been apart. Catching up on where our lives had taken us, talking about what we had done together and where we’d had been and not really understanding why we didn’t put more of an effort into the relationship all those years ago. The physical attraction is still there, he could easily have devoured me…. a big bear of a man. He is so unlike my husband…….wild long grey hair blowing in the wind, unkempt, untidy, free and romantic ……. Driving to a high point so we could see the moon light on the sea, that sort of thing…I was hoping that by actually meeting up with this person I could rid the allconsuming thoughts from my mind BUT not so.
    Like others have commented it’s a very strange feeling, perhaps best to have not ‘friended’ in the first place but for most of you reading this it will already be too late.
    Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you……

  • Netty

    February 18th, 2017 at 10:02 PM

    I’m back home now and feeling lost, empty don’t know how I will get through the next few days really without having that visit to look forward to anymore. We haven’t arranged to meet up again, which will make it harder but as my ex says it is better this way. We shall see it doesn’t feel like it at the moment….good luck to everyone out there in making the right choices and decisions for you.

  • Christina

    February 27th, 2017 at 6:51 PM


    I read both your updates. How are things going? What are you going to do? Was your husband OK with you meeting up with an ex? Is your ex not wanting to meet up any more? That’s a lot for you to go through :( I’m sorry you’re going through it. I know that’s how men entrap women job+$+home= husband tries to be in total control of wife.

  • William

    February 12th, 2017 at 3:50 PM

    I think of my first love every day. We dated for three years and planned to get married. I came home from my first year of college and she dumped me. Said she was marrying someone else when she turned 18 in a year. Have not seen her since but cannot stop thinking about her. Very painful. It’s been 40 years but I still love her very much.

  • Christina

    February 27th, 2017 at 6:35 PM

    It’s OK to love, cherish and honor the memory even greive over the loss of what was and what could have been. But, release her, the situation, and yourself. It’s like mourning a loved one. But even grief must transform from one stag to the next. Jesus Christ loves you and didn’t cause this pain but is able to love you to wholeness. Cry out to Jesus Christ. He’s faithful and kind. I know because I’ve been where you are.

  • Amy

    February 14th, 2017 at 6:22 PM

    Hey guys so I dont really know where to begin so ill try my hardest for this to make sence. So like 8 years ago I was probably 18 now 24 still young (I think) anyway back then I was walking home from work one day when this guy (my step brothers friend) invited me to this party anyway I was really drunk and thought he was really cute and we had a fling. Well my step brother disapproved because hes an a#$hole anyway so we never actually started dating. Over the years even though I had moved on with a guy I still had feelings towards him and am reminded of him everytime I go shopping because he works there unfortuantely but I never said hi just ignored him. Anyway so last year I was walking out of the supermarket and I could see him staring at me and I was looking back at him so I decided to find him on facebook and message him how I was sorry that I am so rude and never say hi and we started chatting from there, he told me how we still had strong feelings towards me some part of me just thought he wanted sex but the thing is he has a girlfriend who hes getting married to and a kid. Anyway we had a fight because he said how he wanted to catch up with me for one last time and most of it sounded like he wanted sex.. I cant say I wouldnt have it with him but I didnt want to feel like a slut and it just felt wrong so I said Ill just give you a kiss anyway he kept talking sexual and then we got in a fight and I blocked him then unblocked him.. went off at him again and then he blocked me lol. Anyway 5 days ago he messaged me and told me basically he was sorry about how things ended and how him and his girlfriend were fighting the whole time we were talking (but so was me and my boyfriend) and that everytime he sees me I remind him of the past and the strong feelings he had towards me, how he still thinks about me a lot and all the feelings he said in the last message (before we got in a fight) were real (sounded like he just wanted one thing to me though) he said that everytime he sees me that he can feel the connecting that it is still there. So I asked him does he still have feeling towards me and he said he would explain the next day which he didnt (made me think he was horny lol, or felt low and wanted me to feed his ego what are you guys gathering so far from this?) anyway I was waiting, waiting, waiting, didnt reply he did this last time which is why we got in a fight to anyway I was so angry I told him how he is exhausting and how it seems that he is not 100% being with his fiance and that if he really cared about her he would just tell her. Anyway this is really hard for me to deal with its doing my head in.. because the connection is still there .. I do have strong feelings for him and I also have a boyfriend and my boyfriend is so supportive of me but I still wonder what my life would be like if I was with him.. I feel old and traped in a relationship that I am not 100% confident that I am happy in because all my family love him and I dont know what would happen to my life if I left him.. but the thing is I would only be in a relationship with the guy I am currently with or the other guy (dont want to say names) but this other guy is getting married and has a kid so he is lieterallly traped.. I am so confused .. this guy talking to me makes me feel as though he would be happier with me then his partner but and that I would be happier with him but then another part of me just thinks he likes the idea of having me.. but is actually happy in his realtionship.. what do I do ? I wish we never started talking because I cant stop thinking about him.. I really hope he is happy and that is what he wanted (a$#hole).. I hate how much I like hi. What do I do?

  • John

    February 15th, 2017 at 3:41 AM

    You clearly had very emotional relationship, and it was you that rekindled the spark. I think you have already worked it out in your final thoughts. He has a partner and a child and although he really liked sex with you and wants some more, he is unlikely to leave a partner and child to fend for themselves. His love for his child will be greater than for either of you two girls, so shop somewhere else!

    What he really wants is an affair with you and a family at home – that’s guys!

    Your choice – when do you want your heart broken? Now or after you have had the affair and broken your own relationship. You are very unlikely ever to be with first-love, better keeping the fighting with your own partner to play-fighting, and enjoying making up!

  • John

    February 15th, 2017 at 3:05 AM

    The young lovely girl you knew is now entering old age, and may look unrecognisable from the person you knew. She will also have undergone Menopause, and her then attractive Oestrogen-fuelled qualities had dropped off 50% by the age of 40, and very much more so after the age of 60. Even now, she will not be emotionally anything like the person you knew. When we grow old together these changes are more imperceptible, we should degauss the ghost we think we love, and concentrate on our new love. However, if on a romantic holiday location you are now sitting 3 feet apart thinking “right place-wrong person” then maybe it is time for a change – of something.

  • Green

    February 15th, 2017 at 10:50 AM

    My recently divorced niece was contacted by her twice ex-boyfriend from high school after 15 years of not speaking. They have started dating and it turns out he is an addict just starting recovery. How can I try to convince her this is a bad idea?

  • Martin

    February 16th, 2017 at 12:19 PM

    To those words of wisdom that have been spoken, they are right! I have been married 26 years and last year an affair had come out and I was devastated, yet instantly forgiving. She was very alloof of my quick actions. She though I would be mad as hell. But it was over and she can’t stand the guy who reality was as predator from her past and they had started on-line facebook and she just said hi. We had some problems for sure and she decided to meet him and the way it went. Then another former real boyfriend (a true flame) from high school, who she had deep feelings for because he understood her and talked her language happened to contact her and see why she hadn’t talked lately online or text. Wow she had been texting him for years and staying in contact, I didn’t know. So I was hit with a double whammy and now that we are working on the marriage she still keeps in constant contact with the second old boyfriend and I feel like I am there for the physical and not the emotional or spiritual. She says that its not going away as if that relationship was more important to her than ours is because he is the one keeping her upright and stable through this and not relying more on me. It bites and I don’t know how long I can do this. I hope it would have abated by now but it hasn’t and even though it is like her having a girlfriend to talk to, it gets a little to much for me when she is constantly texting during dinner, while watching a movie together on our bed, etc… Just don’t do it and if you can’t get out of the relationship and be a bigger person. If he or she talks your language and your partner does not anymore change your damn language and get over yourself because you partner is or has.

  • John

    February 18th, 2017 at 8:13 AM

    I still text and chat on the phone to my first love after she contacted me 20 years ago. Yes, it is emotionally like we had never parted although we would have driven each other nuts like when we did part. However, we still have a deep understanding of each other, and I joke with her husband whom I have now known personally for years and has known about me for those 20 yrs. I find we can discuss issues, and get sound advice and emotional support that I cannot get from my wife of 50 yrs. because we are talking different languages. We are decades over any romantic relationship, but a better friend I have yet to find. If we don’t text for a couple of weeks we will send a quick txt to check all is well. My wife and I have had invites to go stay with them but my wife says she is not into old girlfriends. I have no idea what she really thinks of our friendship which is 100% open; it has made no difference although wifey doesn’t always like what she reads on my iPhone. The relationship/friendship does keep me absolutely supported and stable: it is staying put. If it’s a problem then it isn’t mine.

  • Colin

    February 23rd, 2017 at 2:42 PM

    So, I have read the advice and other people’s experiences on this forum. I have shared my story and the obvious solution to avoid destroying a happy relationship by reconnecting with an old flame. After all of that, I have still gone ahead and met my ex from 30 years ago. The feelings we have for one another are irrational and
    disproportionate to the time we have spent apart compared to the few hours we shared together.
    I am not an expert in any shape or form but I have life experiences and I have a theory.
    I believe, once you have truly loved someone, and for whatever reason have gone your separate ways, the love
    for that person does not end, but lies dormant in your subconscious. Even if you never ever see that person again the love is still there, but the trigger to activate it is not.
    The problem is, if you reconnect with that person one day, even as a friend on social media, the switch to the
    subconscious where that love has been locked away and forgotten, is reactivated. You begin to analysis your old relationship with that person and the emotions blossom again but at an unbelievable rate. All the years spent
    apart are now playing catch up with your love for that person, so when you meet up you are like lovers who
    have been forcibly kept apart and finally found one another again. They can fall deeply in love within a very
    short period of time, even hours. Looking at this relationship from an outside perspective, it makes no sense at
    all, but for those concerned it is very real indeed.
    The problem that follows is, irrational decisions based on those compressed emotional feelings of love. Unlike a new relationship, no time is given to getting to know that person, people jump in feet first 100%.
    I’m not an idiot, many will disagree, I can see this all so clearly, but I am a fool, because even with my own
    theory, I continue to move forward to the final conclusion with my own experience.
    I have a wife I love dearly and who loves me probably even more, but after just one meeting with my ex I have
    thought about leaving my wife and kids for my ex.
    How can this be? My theory goes someway to explaining it, if only to me, but I feel I have put it into context
    and if I can see that I act appropriately and not pursue this relationship any further.
    As I fly home to my wife, I have overwhelming feelings of guilt that I must deal with alone. My thoughts for my ex dominate my thoughts both night and day. I’m checking my Facebook messages and emails every
    few minutes hoping for the message in my inbox. I cannot function like this and it is gradually affecting my
    work and its only a matter of time before I forget to delete a message and my secret will be out. My life and that of my family will be devastated. The reality is, my ex will probably not leave her husband for me, and this
    madness will have all been for nothing.
    I think my wife already knows but has chosen at this time to say nothing. She came home from work early while I was talking to my ex on messenger, and has casually asked about her being a Facebook friend. I think I know I am on borrowed time.
    I am travelling home now on my flight, I am half expecting my wife to ask if I saw my ex on my trip. I don’t
    know what I will say.
    Once the lid is off, it will take a very strong person to put it back on. I am not that person.
    I foresee a long and lonely life for myself.

  • Christina

    February 27th, 2017 at 6:42 PM

    What happened?
    Your post was so heartfelt and relatable.

  • Colin

    February 28th, 2017 at 8:58 AM

    Hi Christina,
    Well I have been home now for almost a week. My wife hasn’t challenged me on meeting my ex. Maybe she is hoping it’s a passing phase and said nothing. I just don’t know.
    I have been in regular contact with my ex. She describes the same pain, confusion and and deep sense of missing ‘us’, as am I, along with many on this forum. I just can’t seem to end it.
    My ex has said sometimes she wish she had never made contact and I agree. I spend a lot of time alone through my work so have many hours to think and torture myself about my situation. I keep hoping my ex will drop me so we can move on but I don’t see it happening. Our situation is pretty hopeless and unlikely to end with us together as a full time couple. At the earliest opportunity I will travel to see her again but fear my wife will travel with me making it almost impossible to visit my ex. What a mess I have created.

  • MB

    March 14th, 2017 at 4:05 PM

    I have been reading every comment on here, my story is also sad. 16 years ago I walked out on my ex wife whom I have been with since Uni and got married to her in the late 90s. We had a daughter together that was stillbirth. I went Crazy just couple of months after that. I lost my sense, I lost my mind and decided to walk away and divorce later. Now 16 years on , been married to my current wife we have kids, she loved me, gave me everything possible, moved to another country and achieved alot in my life.Now the situation is that I cannot live with guilt and the loss of my first love. she married had kids and her husband died, she moved far away and married again to a man who does not want kids at all. We reconnected lately and the flames ignited. Not that I am unfaithful to my current wife, but because my poor ex wife been through hell , I am so proud of her strength. She wanted explanations to why I had to leave her? ” why did you leave me? why did you disappear? . she told me that she has been living but in pain, she always loved me. I tried to explain everything but I think it is far too complicated than it seems. She does not say she still love me but just that warmth and sincerity she showed me made me cry and feel that I have lost not just a wife, I lost a friend, a woman that grew up with me to a mysterious life. My current wife loves me but sometimes I feel that there is no connection, we exist because the kids have kept us together. I never suggested that I want my ex back, she is married now. The story still going but I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to die without knowing if she ever forgiven me or not, is she happy? I only say this because she is just like me devastated from whatever caused us to split . Life is a b*tch and we all marry one.

  • Christina

    March 14th, 2017 at 5:51 PM


    Any improvements?


  • Andrew

    March 20th, 2017 at 1:59 PM

    Hi Christina,
    Little change really. Life is pretty unbearable for both of us. We are so many miles apart, it is almost impossible to meet up to see if there is any chance of a future together.
    I had to leave my ex crying on the phone the other night, I have sought medical help for my deepening depression, caused by a situation that i have no control over.
    We have decided to sit down and discuss how to end this pain we are causing each other. We should be happy, but are anything but. Neither of us wants to stop but I see no other way to retain our sanity and recovery our lives again.
    I am dreading the conversation, but i hope others here can learn from the hurt and loss of control these meet ups can cause.

  • Colin

    March 20th, 2017 at 2:05 PM

    Sorry to avoid confusion, I have used two names on this forum.

  • John

    March 16th, 2017 at 4:21 AM

    I like Colin’s theory of a love lost being locked up, filed and dormant awaiting a trigger. Mine for my first love certainly was and was reactivated by her unexpected email to me. Memories and emotions suddenly flooded my brain together with conversations, and it took only microseconds to decide to reply to her. The compulsion was irresistible, wise or not. After a silent gap of 37 years, all rational reasoning disappeared in a puff and the genie was out of the bottle! Married with kids, I really didn’t want to fall in love again, so extreme care was essential.

    She told me in the first email that she hoped I didn’t hate her, and was happily married with a child now, but wanted to know how I was and how I had succeeded in my career. I was delighted and staggered to hear from her, the relationship had been very loving with a traumatic break caused by my being persistently aggressively jokey. I told her she should have no worries, and that I was sure she was still the lovely, generous and kind person I had driven away.

    We texted, emailed and phoned, she did raise some very personal things (some with much regret I felt), but answers she needed and I was happy to discuss and provide my view. We were hundreds of miles apart in different counties in the UK. After only a short time we were talking on carphones every day going to work, her entire 30 minute journey. Since she had my cellphone she called me at bedtime when I was away from home in a hotel on a course: I was happy to chat, and we were flirty but circumspect just. The relationship escalated into a loving supportive role – which objective i believe is why she contacted me. She certainly still is always very happy talking to me, and I her; we txt and call every week.

    After a silent gap of 37 years (now nearly 20 years ago), we have been best friends ever since and we are each other’s therapy for emotional issues particularly.

    I can thoroughly recommend this type of reconnection.

  • Christina

    March 16th, 2017 at 11:00 PM

    It all sounds lovely, but isn’t that connection and dependency a text book example of an emotional affair? I’m not throwing stones, but isn’t what you described the bonding glue of emotional intimacy?

  • John

    March 18th, 2017 at 12:22 PM

    Thank you very much for your input. I don’t consider your comments as throwing stones at all! In fact I am an avid reader of your concern and comments here, and look forward to your views. You have inadvertently raised a fascinating dichotomy as follows.

    I think the way I have described my current long-term relationship with my teenage first-love may well sound like an emotional affair [EA], and it does seem evenly balanced. It is certainly extremely unusual.

    I have most definitely had an EA as well: – After a torrid physical deep (and damaging) love affair which ended after 3 years due to change of jobs, we were unable to let go of each other for another 5 years across different UK counties as well as a USA/UK separation on a 2months-on 3weeks-off contract for 2 years. The lady had during that time remarried, but still we needed each other in our lives. We met frequently once per week when I was in the UK – quite circumspect in public places, with quite appropriate hugs. When not in the UK we wrote to each other. Only when she finally met somebody like me as i had begged her for years for her own happiness, did she cut me adrift and go. She was finally happily remarried with a family, and I never saw or heard from her again. That was most definitely an EA, described herein elsewhere.

    Other than our long-term marriages, my current Friend-Zone relationship is certainly one of emotional support, we see each other once per 12 /18 months recently. I have just spent a couple of days with her and her husband whom I have also known well for the last 20 years. She and I are of very similar backgrounds, education and personality, and I think if we ever found ourselves both bereaved, then we may well be once again well suited. However, any romantic connection was buried many decades ago. Whether Colin’s lost-love trigger theory (of which I am a great fan) could then revive it, would be a very interesting issue. But, for now that is highly academic and theoretical. There is certainly a bonding glue of emotional empathy – I’m not sure about intimacy. We are not dependant upon each other, but we do seek support from time to time which we seem to get readily from each other, in a way we can almost finish each other’s sentences. The weekly contact is mainly about our families, children and grandchildren, all of whom know me. It is indeed a very close and seemingly unbreakable friendship. Her husband is quite pleased about it as an additional line of support. My wife is more cool about it, but about most other things too. My friend’s extended family value it as do my four children. We have known each other now for nearly 60 years, and never at any time had sex. I am dubious about its description as an affair.

    I should be most interested if you had the time (and energy) to compare these two types of emotional relationship, and see if you think they are both affairs but at different ends of the spectrum. Secondly- do you think it wrong (like the extended physical affair), if nobody is hurt by it and it is actually valued by the families concerned. I’d love to hear your comments.

    Best regards

  • Karley

    March 20th, 2017 at 1:59 PM

    John, I am so glad to have read that your outcome was positive with the rekindling of the relationship and then successful friendship in the open. It makes me feel more human to know that my thoughts and feelings after being contacted by a young love about a month ago are normal. Out of the blue a man from when I was 17 contacted me and wants to rekindle a friendship (I think). Both married, kids and successful. I worry though that the innocent flirting is an emotional no no. I didn’t ask for this and my marriage does have some emotional holes so it is easy to accept the kind words of someone you used to enjoy. It was never physical even at a young age. I am not sure what this man wants and I have asked, but have not gotten a direct answer. I am hoping that I can keep him as a friend and that I do not have to go through the loss of him in my life again.

  • John

    March 24th, 2017 at 10:21 AM

    It is certainly an unusual situation, and not giving 100% open and honest answers must wave an amber flag. Loss at an older age is significantly more devastating than during teenage years. But I do have words of warning of at least extreme caution, and to proceed with great care! The advice would be different to men or women for the following reason and is a Male perception:

    It is indeed a very serious subject with possible devastating or wonderful (second chance) consequences which are very dependent upon circumstances of the current relationships. These are partly based upon noteworthy differences in the hormonal changes in men and women.

    As we know hormones affect our feelings, intensity and therefore associated intentions/aspirations. Generally in men there is a very slow change dependent on genetic and other factors, also the amount of regular intensive physical exercise undertaken has a significant effect in preserving levels. Sometimes in women these changes (mostly in a different hormone of course!) significantly reduce feelings that were once a driving force, and sometimes with others to a very much lesser extent. In my case my friend described how she had to replace deliberately the actions, attachment instincts that were distressingly no longer there naturally. The alternative is to ignore the change and plod/jog along in a marriage which to the husband may well seem as though he is now married/hancuffed to an android. This can make the man extremely vulnerable and emotionally fragile to attention of which he has by no fault been deprived.

    In my case it was relatively simple to ascertain that it was a safe relationship/friendship to develop, although some of her conversation was slightly flirty I thought, I played that aspect down in banter. We have guided ourselves over the years into a very valuable relationship. However, some many years down the line, I am almost certain I would not take the same responsible attitude. I have not changed “I’m the same boy I used to be” (with apologies to Steve Winwood) but emotional circumstances have changed dramatically for me, neither observed nor understood (despite discussion) by my wife. In fact my emotions are screaming out to me that if I tripped over someone soft, affectionate and tactile in the street, I could well have moved in by the evening! BUT, nobody at the other end of a text would know.

    For a man if his current emotional relationship is satisfying and secure, then he will want just a rewarding platonic friendship. However, if not he may well crave and engineer reigniting flames and passion, but may later realise he doesn’t want it after all, and ghost the lady.

    For a woman if she is likewise secure she will want the same rewarding friendship, but I know women friends who have found themselves married to a now boring, disinterested, unaffectionate spouse and have been tempted into divorce, one with a brilliant new marriage, and the other still single with a couple of failed/fizzled-out relationships.

    It can be a very dangerous enterprise. A game it is certainly not, and to get in too deep to alter course is all to easy for either sex as the stories here will testify. Accordingly good well-developed and explored research by discourse is essential to elucidate underlying motives. I was very lucky. Good luck to anyone in this position – please be careful.

  • Christina

    April 9th, 2017 at 9:11 PM


    I’ve read your comment and your reply to my comment. Thank you for explaining your situation clearer. I’ve taken some time to work on some of the issues that brought me to this website. I think your comment and description touched on some themes that are foundational and at the core of any relationship. Trust, boundaries, emotional safety etc. It is hard for me to imagine experiencing the friendship you’ve described. I’m not saying it’s I’m possible just I haven’t seen it or experienced it. I do not know how I could be emotionally free with a man and not have feelings for him. I do not know how I could feel emotionally safe in completeness and not have feelings for the man. What led me to search and find this website are those two core principles. The man I’ve set a drift is married, happily. She seems like a really nice lady. I am happy for them. But the man and I talked and if we’d been more open about our feelings years ago this story would be very different. He would have purposed and I’d said yes. We discussed it, and should (God forbid) he find himself bereaved we will see what there is to see with us. But now, I’m leaning on God through prayer to help me live my days in abundance if love and light. I know I couldn’t handel more then one or two conversations per year. I know we’d cross the line. I’m not interested in half’s, or second place. I know I won’t be satisfied. I want all of him or I walk away. I won’t toy with trying to walk a line and fall off and loss dignity and self respect. I love this man as I’ve never loved another. But I wont tell him this. Unless the future is very different from the present. If I didn’t have the love of Jesus Christ to help me through this I don’t know what I’d do.

  • Claudia

    March 23rd, 2017 at 11:40 PM

    The right thing to do after being contacted by a lost love online? Too late for me to find out… I am in the middle of a complete mess and the worst part is that I created it all. I guess he was my love but I wasn’t his. I feel that he wanted to be nice to me after I contacted and has been polite but distant, has not even asked about my own life but went on and on when I asked about his. A little narcissistic I should say. Once I concluded it was all a total fiasco, he sent me a little message saying it was his birthday. I didn’t know how to take that. Replied wishing him well. I am mourning the loss again, but it has been a one way street and I recognize it. I am just hoping to let go and move on with my life.

  • mark

    March 29th, 2017 at 12:41 AM

    I reconnected with my first love and we talked and the feelings came rushing back.I never understood then why she left me we dated for over 5 years and talked of marriage now she has done it all over again she came in at a very low time in my marriage of 20+ years my life has been turned upside down. I was at the point of going to see her I was only stopped by distance. my wife has separated from me and I never even saw her only text and phone calls with the old flame. I would just say take it slowly I don’t know if I can go back so now I no way forward and no way back and all this just took monthes

  • Christina

    April 9th, 2017 at 9:21 PM

    That’s so intense. I’m sorry you’re suffering. Going slowly is smart. It gives time the chance to allow people to demonstrate their true selves. Did your marriage end mainly because of the old flame? It sound like it contributed but was a factor but not the only factor. I hope things get better and you find some peace. I’ve taken to praying and asking Jesus Christ to help me know God’s love and light. It’s been like a life raft in these turbulant times.

  • Calli

    March 29th, 2017 at 8:19 AM

    In 2013 I had been contacted on Face book by an old boy friend from 3 decades past. I had been married Since 1982 and The marriage was noot a good one over those decades with my sex deniall to get a desired social outcome from my defiant husband, The fact i have Bi Polar not allowing him to divorce me, and the last 12 years the escalating violence from my husband to friends and family just trying to make him fit the place we wanted In what is now 16 years since it started I have been hurt twice for interfering in things my husband wanted for himself. Once when I tried to get him to back off a job bid to letyounger seniority have it in the fight that started the violence he left me with a broken ankle and four men on our porch and in the street in critical and grave condition, all over a stinking job.
    Then * years latter over a vacation he wanted and had schedualed he just about tore my arm off and went to murder his father when we told him he was staying and working for a younger man again. HE threw me accross an offiuce gettuiing the canvcelation check I was holding until coming back and he intended to Strangle the life out of his father to get his passport back when we were going to give it to TSA to hold until we were gone, I had to serve 2 months in county jail for canceling his trip. His father did to.

    We have alwayts just tried to get him to consider others before himself and in the process forgot he needed some consideration also in the attempt to keep him from taking his rights and disrupting hopes.. After MRSA took his spine latter on that same year he was in Rehab for three years relearning to use his hands and walk, When he came home he had decided he was not going to try and work out any thing he was going to do as he pleased no matter who hurt in the deal. I was seeing my old BF and was caught coming home with him one morning. MY friend was thinking just keep his mouth shut and let things continue, He swept my husbands cane and the retaliation put him in ICU and My husband in a stress center, for rage control, All we wanted when he was expected home the Saturday two weeks latter. Was to sit down at a dinner night we were arranging and talk like reasonable people that we knew we had abused him but we had to figure a way forward from there, I used a unfortunate word we needed to figure out what he would be allowed when the world went crazy with him saying Who in the hell did we think we were to allow him a thing now, He said he was now the sole and only judge and arbitor of what he was allowed under his roof and that applied to to a sex life we had denied him. He raped me begging to please talk this through.
    The past worked against us after that, I would have served far more time than my husband for misconduct in sex. To State charges of Marital extorsion and fraud in the marriage and federal charges of maintaining an indentured servant on involentary basis In essence we made him a slave. We have done nothing but try and slow things down since. We cant think with the next problem he creates. IN 2015 We were going on a cruise to Cancun. My husbands refusal to accept he was staying resulted in the whole groups not going after he broke his fathers neck When his father just wanted him to go home and High range because he had not invited my husband, just me.. He bought a ball bat to the room we were in to send him home with the 1st class ticket the Criuse line offered with his fare return to avoid trouble I would have gone any where he wanted on our return this time just to stop trouble before it did. My husband hiut his father under his chin so hard when he swung the bat his neck broke. We were all handed tickets home and others waiting got the berth. MY husbands rights are more important to him than life now no matter who it hurts or causes discomfort, HE is willing to kill to make sure he does not get interfered with now, controls the finances, where we live. even friends now have to call ahead to come see me.

  • Christina

    April 9th, 2017 at 9:28 PM

    This sounds dangerous. Have you considered getting away and getting a fresh start?

  • Calli

    April 14th, 2017 at 4:40 AM

    He sent me home to my mothers once in 1987,for two years after a refusal to let him Ruin other peoples vacation plans the day Me and his family and many of our friends flew in from a two week vacation we had in Rome. We had begged him to stay and work for a woman and her fiancé with over six years less seniority than my husband had at work> the woman’s mother and father were going and we felt that it was a perfect time for the two to go have a wedding and honeymoon of their own since they were Catholic. I had told my husband two months before that So many favors would be owed if he stays home and worked through the Roman vacation Knowing he had not had a single day off since our own wedding over five years before He was either in the plant 12 hours a day minimum or he had been at sea and under water for three and a half years on submarine patrols. The last two years after his return from the navy I had promised if he would not use his seniority to disrupt lives by just taking the rights he had acrewed through his returned seniority under a UAW contract, I would start the sex life he expected then, And two years latter I am again begging for his cooperation with the needs somebody else had. This time angry before he would back off he made me swear to go any where, any way and any time he choose that I would be the travel companion and sex partner he expected with our marriage. We talked in Rome, About when the next least disruptive time my husband could take for his vacation would be, and the decision was Fron the day after the Christmas shutdown to valentines day, He could take his three weeks then, and ad his 20 days personal time as the replacement for the holidays Then in three years he could take the next European vacation to Athens with me. We got back with a new pair of boots as a peace offering, Just wanted to go get a Breakfast on our return. Present the gift and ask what Vacation he wanted in January so we could get on planning it on the over night fight home I had visions of starting our marriage in six months on the right foot on a tropical beach In a nice hotel. At a place like Hawaii, Barbadoes, The Caymans or the Bahamas, I even thought The Canaries would be Nice for a romantic start to a sex life six years after the wedding, beachs Bikinis and the ocean. in mid winter out of the mid west was my thought. We got back to a husband that had already researched this possible places and time, Found that there would be nothing available. He was planning to take off the day we flew in displacing hundreds of other people from their plans, would not discuss with me or any one else to allow us to come up with something for a vacation That would not disrupt any one else’s plans. The resulting fight was only 40 minutes before I was shoved on a bus for my mothers with the savings what I had bought with me from Rome and the divorce he was filing for the next Monday. I came back two years latter to the divorce being declared moot my husbands father and his judge friend hanging a court order to keep my husband from taking time off he wanted, Nothing was ever listened to about somehow making peace in the community and he would get a vacation and we could start our marriage in peace with everyone, all he had to do was cooperate for a time and everyone would ease off of him. In 2000 he even had to be arrested and escorted to work from jail from the 23 of December to the second of January We flew in from that Years vacation from Bavaria with a 1300 dollar electronic clock that had changing scenes of what happened over the Millinial celebrations there. He could have at least made believe he had been there and we hoped with the New century and year that this arrival home would not be like the last four that we had come home to. AN even more sullen uncooprative person just because he was not getting his way We even had a plan to get him a vacation latter that spring or summer and he could take his personal time of then 25 days and act like the millinial and Christmas holiday was at that time. JE should have just taken the time as a direct exchange he did not have to get in other peoples way over the times. WE got back the morning of his 45th birthday with the thought he could call in the rest of that week on January the 5th 2000> HE said and just where was he sick enough to get a doctor to back him for even 3 days of personal time That had to be arranged for the year before and he was not giving it to us. Then he presented me with my gift from him, The clue on the box was my worth as a wife. He ad collected the leavings from dogs and boxed it. His parents was the historical way he had been treated. A house covered in what he had given me and a wagon wheel set up in the yard with rawhide wrist ties and a bull whip and sign hanging on it with the words inviting the discrimination community should come and participate in the beating of and uppity slave. His mother was taken to he sisters crying that we had succeded in getting her son to hate everyone now. The next year after the only six days off he had in 20 years I was on my knees on November the sixth 2001, Saying that he could wait two more weeks to take a different job bid and shift in the new plant Let four men in better social position have the job he wanted HE told me we had ruled his life in a dictator ship, And blackmail for 16 years he was going to do as he please and I could sell myself on the street since I was a tramp. He had found out about the fling I had in Bavaria and wanted me in truth dead so he could get a new wife. The next day I saw him nearly kill the four men wanting him to remove his bid, Leaving them on our porch and one in the street with both legs and an arm broken Theb county commissioners sons face was crushed and the man I had a fling with had his rib cage flayed and lungs and heart punctured over my husband refusal just to take a different job and shift. Since they attacked him first they deemed it self defense. I was crying in pain after he kicked the front door in on me and broke my ankle.

    After that day until 2009 it was stealing and locking his passport in a safe deposit to keep him from going on vacations. Escorts to work at firearm point over refused holidays and he started building a casualty count for every time he was interfered with. IN 2009 he had 34 years seniority, The man he had trained to take his place on his 5 week vacation time was I trouble after a white shotgun wedding. He had 2 years seniority. and needed the time with his 4 month pregnant bride. So We stole his passport again and cancelled his berth on the express Got the refund and included the ten percent out of his fathers pocket of 6354 to give him on Christmas after noon at his work gate, along with a five week rental I was arranging in ST Criox. starting January the second 2010. When we told him he was not going in a office in TSA in the airport he threw me across that office dislocating my arm and started tearing my reservations and boarding passes up and took the money out. We were getting him a vacation just not the one he wanted as the first since 1976. He could have waited the next seven months instead of getting so depressed he became ill in October with MRSA in his spine causing three years of rehab before 2010.
    After the three years I thought he was coming home in a wheel chair, I started with another man that I had known for decades

  • Colin

    March 29th, 2017 at 10:18 AM

    Well I finally took my own advice. After a long talk with my ex, who has been suffering the same way as myself, we reluctantly decided to end any further contact. I have felt sick to my stomach and walking round in a daze, like a teenager who has lost his first true love.
    I knew it had to be done, as did she. I told her couldn’t abandon my wife and family for her, and she understood. I still have her contact details and so want to contact her, but after what we have discussed the only way I could contact her if it was if my circumstances had changed and I was prepared to be with her.
    I am struggling but it is something I must live with alone until I feel better.
    Don’t give into temptation. Don’t respond to contacts from you ex lovers, because you will have life of misery which you cannot tell anyone about. Good luck to you all.

  • Christina

    April 9th, 2017 at 9:30 PM

    So true. I understand what you’re saying. Step up or step off. What other realistic choices are there? All the best.

  • Calli

    September 28th, 2017 at 6:22 PM

    I noticed my post did not finish above I know people think we purposely totured my husband in denying both sex and time off in the plant but he just was so set on having his way for 24 years after he came home from the navy with his seniority, When he did not get things his way and refused to takje othyer options like a vacation in mid winter, With a little prior planning He could have had that off without any body else being shoved out of their wants It would have been best for all concerned. Even holidays could have been arranged at a different time that the actual times everybody else wanted We could have acted like it was the holiday just like somebody coming home from being deployed. IT might not have been the same but it would have been time out of the plant. All he had to do was accept that was what his family , me and the community were going to let him have. Instead he set out to teach us we had no say and all suffered in the end He eventualy came home after letting his depression kill his immune system and lost nerve impulse4 from leg tops down but even being alive did not leave him happy. He came home three years later Not going to listen to any one about how to be let into the life he was denied before the MRSA in his spine. We wanted him to stop the resentment from before 2009 just live his life without telling any one off and let things pick up slowly in his inclusion. His return was a Mess from the start catching me and an old boyfriend coming home the morning after he came home The friend swept his cane and laughed at him calling him a pathetic looser He nearly lost his life in the next instant with my husbands cane impacting his scull Two weeks later I had promised I would go to a Show and awards dinner with his fathers friend as the fourth at the table with my husbands parents there> HE came home from a stress center before I left finding me ready to keep my promise to his father. I found myself trying to get him to meet us in four hours hoping I could make that meeting and his father telling me that we were not letting him dictate any thing. I WAS Begging him with a 100 to pick a place4 and somehow I would be there just to sort out the last 31 years to every ones needs MY cloths ended up shredded before I even got to the door and he took what he had been demanding until 2009 and he has not stopped taking what he wants. Everything is out of my hands now I cant get even a compromise out of him now because we had abused that over the years. I wish I had the answer to everyone so they did not worry about crossing him the wrong way but I don’t. Most of the time I just cower now not willing to cross him myself.

  • Mary

    April 9th, 2017 at 8:27 AM

    I too have been struggling with the idea of contacting my ex boyfriend. He was truly my first love. We met when we were both 19. That is over 40 years ago. We were together for 3 years. He moved to another state when we were both 22. I visited him when i was 23 but i couldnt move there because i was very close to my mom and it would have been very difficult to do at that time. I have been married for 38 years now with 2 grown children. My ex still lives in another state along with his sister who also lives in the same state he does. I was able to find both of their phone numbers and want to call his sister just to see how she and he are doing. I was friends with his sister but have not seen her in about 30 years. I don’t think there is any way I would be able to travel to where they both are. But would it be okay to call her after all these years to see how they are both doing? I think my ex is divorced now. I can’t seem to stop thinking about my ex after all these years and I don’t know how to stop. Would it be wrong to call his sister just to catch up with her?

  • Colin

    April 10th, 2017 at 8:36 AM

    Mary, please be careful. You say want to see how your old friend is doing but the reality is you want to make contact with you ex. You are at the start of a dangerous road. Take my advice and do not make any contact with your ex or his sister. I made that mistake and have been living a miserable mixed up existence.
    Once you start down that road it is almost impossible to turn around or stop. I did manage to end the contact but my every waking hour is still tormented by thoughts of her. I regret it every day. Good luck

  • Sabrina

    August 29th, 2019 at 2:09 AM

    Dont do it.I phoned an ex after 39 years. Both of us are married.Both men know each other My hubby sees him on a work related basis occasionally. I had not thought of this ex for 39 years…until by some coincidence the two of them made the connection.My husband thinks it was just a friendship all those years ago.He does not know that i had a 3 month fling with him while i was living with someone else.I have been with my husband 35 years.After a few hullos back and forward via my husband, i rang the ex one day….He said he was pleased to hear from me, and i said i was just calling as a friend, and that as we were both happily married that is all it could be…he said yes, at the moment…sendind me a mixed signal that it could be more at some point. We talked about my hubby, and things from the past, including the fact that we had both had fun in our 20s etc.I said perhaps i shouldnt have called. He said no its fine and we will talk again, so i gave him my ph no, as i didnt want to be the one approaching him again.we talked a bit more, joked a bit about old times….then said our goodbyes. Four weeks on…not a single ph call from him…He has either changed his mind, or never intended to call me, took the number down incorrectly, or just plain decided im a cheater now as i was then, even though i said friends only as we are both happily married.I have been so miserable since this phone call.Trying to analyse every sentance, work out why not called…feeling embarrassed for my husband when he sees ex next time.If i could go back to the day before that contact, i would do so.

  • Claudia

    April 9th, 2017 at 9:18 PM

    I know that when someone tells me or advises me to not to pursue any contact with him, I am more prompt to do it anyhow. It reminds me the old days when people wanted to separated us, so I thought. I am hesitant to advise you to not even try to contact his sister to get to him. I know it may be an innocent move, but one you will forever regret. Don’t do what I did please. I am going through hell and back for following my heart instead of common sense and reason.

  • Jack

    April 19th, 2017 at 10:37 AM

    My situation is a bit different. My first major love was 30 years ago in college. Very intense relationship for two years which deteriorated after I graduated. I will take my share of the blame and bear no ill will towards her for pulling the plug.
    We actually got together once for dinner about a year after our break up. Went well enough and she invited me to call her once I moved back to her city. I chose not to as I was well on the road to recovery. I did send her postcards now and then and we exchanged Christmas cards once. I now suspect there was a chance at reconcilliation during the aftermath.
    Time went on and I saw here briefly a few more times over the years (we had and still have a common friend). She was less friendly, perhaps mildly hostile. I suggested we get together for coffee and she declined.
    She eventually got married, had two kids, and then got divorced. I eventually got married and had a kid much later. I remain happily married. I have no desire to abandon that and rekindle anything. Sometimes it is fun to imagine it in an alternate universe sort of way, but that is it.
    But… there has always been something that nags at my psyche. She is one of the pivotal people in my life. Nothing can change that. And I just feel that there is something unsettled in the universe to not be on good terms with such a person. I would love to swap casual emails now and then, nothing more.
    The reason this is on my mind is that my college reunion approaches. She will not be there as she was a class ahead of me. But her sister and some of her aquintances certainly will. Thus she is on my mind more than usual.
    Any thoughts on this? I am not planning any moves. I am just courious as to why this is important even 30 years on.

  • Jack

    May 8th, 2017 at 6:44 AM

    No thoughts?

  • Colin

    May 9th, 2017 at 8:08 AM

    Hello Jack,
    Your story is not dissimilar to my own experience. The reconnection started out as just a friendly email exchange and then moved on to phone calls. We spoke for hours about our past and where we went wrong. Eventually things began to spiral out of control emotionally. I am happily married and never looked at another woman but here I was now contemplating walking out on my wife and family to be with my ex again. We live in different countries now, but I ended up flying back to see her. What a mistake, I was head over heels in love (probably lust) with her again. My life has been a mess ever since. I am trying to get back to normal again with my wife and have broke off all conversation with my ex, but it is very difficult. Not a moment goes by when she is not on my mind. This is still recent and we have not spoken for one month now although she emailed me on my birthday. If I could turn the clocks back, I wish she had never sent that friend request on Facebook. I’m afraid once you open that door to those emotions you will find it very difficult to close it again. Good luck my friend.

  • Christina

    May 18th, 2017 at 7:42 PM

    You’ve made good points. This pull of the past is powerful. The one I love is in your spot. We’ve cut off communication. It feels like a part of me is missing. Like an arm or the ability to sing. Im concerned if we communicate an affair would follow. Not the life path we want to take. Do you choose to love your wife and hope the feelings for the other woman fade?

  • Colin

    May 19th, 2017 at 11:59 AM

    My hope is my feelings will fade for my ex over time, and to be honest, they are to a point. I’m trying to concentrate on my marriage, which up until I spoke to my ex, was really good. My hope is it will be good again, but I am finding it hard.

  • Whiskie

    August 21st, 2017 at 1:05 AM

    Hi Colin, thanks your post, now I’m more resolute about not contacting him… unless, circumstances change (divorce, widowhood)

  • Jack

    May 10th, 2017 at 8:02 AM

    Thanks Colin.
    Your theory makes a lot of sense and your words of warning resonate. Realistically, I don’t have the opportunity to reach out to her. I do not do Facebook or anything like that and there is no way I am going to dial her number.
    A Question: Do you think that is why she declined my friendly overtures in the 1990s? In other words, did she suddenly not want to get together for exactly the reasons you describe?

  • Colin

    May 11th, 2017 at 3:01 PM

    You maybe right. If she never fully got over your split maybe she couldn’t face re-living the old feelings and pain that went with it. I know I have analysed the reasons why my ex and I split up and why. That was 30 years ago and I cannot find the answer. It has been haunting me every day since she contacted me.

  • Al

    August 15th, 2017 at 10:56 AM

    You are very strong to try and give it time and I truly admire you for that! I know I don’t have that ability. I have a friend that I have known for over thirty years. She is my soulmate/twin flame/one true love…whatever you want to call it. We should have married. We were so close (and still are) that I was afraid of ruining that bond. I was a little older and went off to school and let someone else get in the way. I crushed her hopes and couldn’t live with the guilt. We went our separate ways, but never lost contact. We both married others, but I know she loves me. She all but tells me so. We’ve never had a physical affair, but the emotions are present. I would lay down my life for her and I believe she the same for me. However, we are both married with minor children and physically faithful. I believe my wife is better to me than her husband to her, just based off of conversations. We share almost everything! She is on my mind all the time! I live 650 miles away, but try to schedule time to see her some. No intimacy! Like you stated, I check emails, texts, social media…as much as possible. It’s sad, because my wife is good to me as a person, but not intimate. But, I do miss this other woman. We have sooooo much longing for each other. I’m afraid I will live in pain unless bereavement were to interject and that isn’t a wish. I guess I’ll suffer in silence and do my best to hide my deep pain.

  • Colin

    August 15th, 2017 at 3:24 PM

    Hi Al,
    I feel your pain and we do have to suffer in silence for the sake of our marriages and sanity.
    I continue to struggle with my problem and see no end to it. I really wish I could turn the clock back and be with my ex again.
    We all know the solution to this emotional turmoil but the heart is stronger than the mind. It is far easier said than done. I told my ex I couldn’t leave my wife and family for her, as I wouldn’t be able live with the guilt of abandoning them. That said it doesn’t stop then endless yearning for a different life.
    Good luck moving forward and hopefully you make a decision thst is right for you.

  • Jack

    May 12th, 2017 at 1:32 PM

    Thanks again Colin. I appreciate your input.
    I am now thinking that maybe it’s a good thing there is little chance of contact. It’s easy to say I could handle it, but once the Pandora’s Box is opened….who knows? I often refer to things like this as Time Traveling without a Time Machine. Seems it can be an emotionally perilous trip.
    In any case, I have rehearsed some polite pleasantries should I bump into her sister at my reunion in 3 weeks. And I will leave it at that.
    Good luck with your situation. The heart wants what it wants. Just make sure it makes the right choice.

  • Eva

    July 6th, 2017 at 4:05 AM

    Wow! I’m so glad I found these posts. I feel lost and confused. Have any of you read Dr Kalish’s study findings? There is quite a bit out there on the power of first love. We are the subject of scientific research!

  • Jack

    July 6th, 2017 at 8:42 AM

    I have taken a look and tend to agree. Between that and Colin’s warning, I decided not to push the envelope.

  • Sade

    May 31st, 2017 at 5:52 AM

    My ex and I have re-connected 8 months ago after 8 years apart (we were together for 9 years). Neither of us had re-partnered in the 8 years apart because we still loved each other (but both assumed the other didn’t care anymore!). Unfortunately he meet a ‘nice lady’ just 3 months prior to us reconnecting. We both still love each other but he doesn’t want to hurt this new lady by leaving her as he promised to support her through a medical issue. He doesn’t love her but can’t find the gumption to end things with her. This is all complicated by the fact that we have an intense kink relationship that he cannot get fulfilled with the new woman, therefore he is denying himself of lifelong deep-seated needs and the fact that I am his ‘one true love’ – all because this lady has made him promise not to hurt her like other men have in the past (by abandoning her with this medical thing – non life-threatening). If she left him, him would be back with me in a heartbeat, but he doesn’t want to do the breaking up. I am beginning to think that I should I let her know what is happening in the hope that she leaves and allows him to restore his life with me?? I want him to be true to himself rather than sacrifice our lifestyle for someone he doesn’t love…

  • Teeto

    June 1st, 2017 at 4:52 AM

    41 years later and I hear from my first love. He is divorced, I am widowed 2 years. That made all the difference. An easy, passionate, fun reunion.

  • george

    July 5th, 2017 at 9:51 PM

    I turned down Susan of Mobile, Alabama about 19 years ago and never forgave myself for doing it nor have I been able to forget her. I think of and miss her almost everyday. We had such a great love between us and I still love her deeply and with all my heart. I have no way to contact her or know where she might be. She’s probably married with children. Hank Williams never sounded better but boy, do I miss Susan. I’d give anything to get Susan back. God, I miss her.

  • Jack

    July 6th, 2017 at 9:14 AM

    Well George, if you are unattached, I reckon you better go out and find her. But as Dr. Zaius said to Taylor, “You may not like what you find.” None the less, if both of you are unattached, you may be in business. Good luck.

  • Junia N.

    July 21st, 2017 at 4:06 PM

    Hi, I really appreciate your inputs on my situation Dr happy and what could I do with-out you. Thank you in advance. I was in a relationship with this guy for the past 1 and a half year.. We became close real fast and were very serious about each other…

  • Kim

    July 31st, 2017 at 6:14 PM

    Ok. Without any background, I am going ask this question plain and simple. Is it ok to have a former lover wash my back? We were lovers and friends for 7 years before he moved on to a new relationship that didn’t work out. He and I are establishing a platonic relationship now. And I know this sounds simple enough but is it ok if he comes over to hang out and washes my back while I am bathing. He knows me and he knows my body so I am not uncomfortable with that part, but is having him do this simple act of back washing going to backfire on our new friendship or even though we know we are sexually off limits to each other, will having him do something so simple send the wrong message or open an avenue neither of us wants to travel? Is it ok for an old lover/friend to wash my back?

  • Diane

    July 31st, 2017 at 9:19 PM

    I think it is not a good idea for an old lover to wash your back. If he could not commit to you after seven years, you are \\\\\\\\
    Kim, this is a very bad idea and there is nothing platonic about it. If he could not commit to you after seven years, it is unlikely he will commit now. I wold be very cautious. Good luck to you.

  • Whiskie

    August 21st, 2017 at 12:34 AM

    This is the section what I was looking for….. I’m still debating myself if contact him or not, but this is just a fantasy and my moral me says don’t do it… is painful (very painful) My motives to contact him is because he is easy to find whilst me I’m more private (don’t have public accounts, I use aliases) so the possibility of him to get news from me are ZERO… but he always post pictures of him with his wife/kids so a HAPPY FAMILY and I’m not and don’t wanna be a bad person… I have a family too but not the dreamed one from the begining (we care each other but we are more like convenient to be together) Is painful and I continue to resist and I think I’ll carry this for the rest of my life… and fantasysing, IF we both become widows then maybe a reconnection can take place but better shut down this thought, I want his happiness and destiny that I was not the one…. painful secret for the rest of my life

  • Whiskie

    August 21st, 2017 at 12:42 AM

    Somebody up this page wrote, facebook contributes to wreck families, yes is dangerous, I got a lot of news from him through facebook….. but I’ll continue to resist because he cannot offer me what I want and I’m engaged too. Period. (is painful!)

  • Kim

    September 4th, 2017 at 2:46 PM

    I appreciate the comments you both have left. Diane, what you say is correct. I wish I would have read your message before I made the decision I made to have him “wash my back”. It was all so simple and it brought back memories. I chose to call this the familiar. Since that first back washing, he has come to my house–invited him to my house for casual conversation. Honestly, we both just sat/sit outside and talk about work and other simple matters. Once in a while, he will refer to his current relationship with a woman who he has been with for the last 4 years or so. From what he has said, this relationship is on the rocks and he is just waiting and testing to see if it is something he wants to continue with. Funny, as I write is, I am realizing how he is being unfair to his relationship with her. It reminds me of how he was with me before. Unfortunately, during our last meeting, I did invite him into the shower to see how it would be. I am actually very glad I did. I found out that he has not changed. He is a very selfish person and his interests are only in himself and his needs. Honestly, I am glad this experience happened. I now see what I did give up and am grateful that I did. In all intents and purposes, he was unfair to his partner by choosing to join me. It is bittersweet the feelings I have. This experience made me realize that I am the one in control and my choice is to keep this friendship at at a distance. I am proud of myself for choosing this direction. I love and respect myself and in allowing this relationship to continue is detrimental to both myself and his partner. What a relief it is to me in making the best choice for me. Thanks again for all of your comments and insight. lllll

  • Steve

    September 27th, 2017 at 9:52 PM

    First off , thank you all for helping me . Your posts have given me much to think about. You see, just by chance ,and a whim I looked up my 1st love,1st for every thing! Putting pieces together , I finally found her in a business photo. The feelings welled up inside I almost came to tears. I have looked for 10 years with no success, now finally! WOW she still had that look to her.I want to contact her and touch base , tell her how much she impacted my life but thank her for letting me experience love. I know she has a successful career and I believe she is married.
    These things make me proud,and I’m happy she has done so well for herself.I would truly hate to rattle her life and complicate it ,. Or to think maybe I wasn’t that big a deal to her. I would like to reconnect with her. But just through email. . I couldn’t handle ever seeing her again in person. FYI I’m currently married to a absolutely wonderful woman ,going on almost 30 yrs..and awaiting our 50 the😃.
    We were together for just a summer but in my heart ,it felt like forever! I remember the quote she said to me ,”first loves never die” . Boy she was right.
    What do I do ?

  • Colin

    September 28th, 2017 at 2:52 PM

    Do nothing. This week is 1 year since my ex sent me a friend request on Facebook. Like you I am in my 50s and happily married. I should never have accepted it. I thought I could handle the situation but I was wrong. I flew 4500 miles to see her, brought to tears and been on antidepressants for 5 months.
    I think of her every day and considered leaving my wife for her after she made it clear she would leave her husband to be with me again.
    I came to my senses after counselling. But still struggle to cope.
    Please delete any contact details for her and try to put her out of your mind. I was given the same advise but failed to take, and now look at me. Good luck.

  • Motley

    January 10th, 2018 at 2:40 AM

    I find your posts very sad and positive at the same time .. I need some advise quick!! I am 48 I contacted my ex girlfriend almost one month ago Dec 2017 after 32 years. She was my “First Love” and someone I love deeply to this very day. First a little history we first met in 2nd grade elelmentary school obviously not dating at that age but, were always friends. I come from a very small town my school only had 52 kids from 1st to 4th grade, our high school graduating class was less than 30 students and supported 3 towns. We first started dating in the 4th Grade and continued all the way through High school until we had a falling out in 1986. Now years later I have found out that the breakup was a mistake due to a missunderstanding of high school gossip ( She had called it off with me ), I never really understood what transpired until now. Almost obsessively I’ve thought about her everyday for 32 years and never stopped. She started dating after the breakup with someone who I thought was a friend, needless to say he and I had a physical disagreenment. I never graduated high school and left for the military in 1987 leaving the Girl I Loved and what was left of my life behind. She ended up marrying the so called friend I fought … go figure … apparently it ended badly he turned out to be controlling and mentally abusive to her, they divorced. She remarried again and divorced again same situation as her first marriage. She is now in a relationship and has been engaged for 3 years.
    As she did I too went through a divorce with my first marriage and was later remarried to my current wife of 18 years now , we also attended the same high school but, never really new one another in school … weird right. I have 4 kids most adults now except for one who is a teenager. I retired from the military with 23 years and landed a job as a contractor overseas, which pays very well. My current marriage is strained due to personal issues and being separated for the last six years. I feel like a stranger to my wife when I do return home for visits and it seems very awkward for both of us but, neither one of us will admit it. Jumping ahead a bit like I mentioned before I contacted her via email from my work after finding her work email by simply googling her name. At first she was taken back I think and she was a little hesitant on here response and very carefull on how she replied. Since then we have reguarly communicated via text and emails except for 2 weeks I spent home for Christmas which we had no contact. Upon my return back though correspondences have happened almost reguarly, allthough I have never contacted her by calling I have to respect her wishes until she decides its ok. We talk about allot of personnal things that have happened with our lives since high school. I find that my responses to her questions 100% of them are quickly answered but, she is somewhat guarded on the questions I ask her and maybe 50% are answered. This is understandable being that her past relationships were messy at minimum and she is currently engaged. I’ve told her that I would backoff if that me contacting her would intereferre with her current relationship but, she still continues to speak with me. I do have a sense of guilt doing this especially when I have a family back home but, I can not seem to shake her from my mind. I am a little confused as to where this is going especially when she asked me why I referred to her as a friend when I initially contacted her. She replied back with she thought we were more than that so, I responded back with Yes, we were more than friends but I did not want to overstep my bounderies saying something else afterall it has been 32 years. On the same note she will refer to me as a friend or her Pen Pal …. which I admit sounds odd. Like a teenage kid I find myself going absolutely crazy waiting to text and hear from her daily, checking my emails and phone every five seconds throughout the day. I have been very open with her sharing my thoughts and feelings holding nothing back. We have not discussed any sexual contents its just way to soon to be jumping into a conversation like that. I’ve always seemed to hold a certain standard with all other relations I’ve had in the past to her but, she is one of a kind. So before I departed for Christmas R&R I wrote her a note see below.
    Dear Love,
    The upcoming holiday’s Christmas and New Years are significant to me in many ways however this message to you is long overdue, and has been plaguing my thoughts and my mind for years now. So why not I thought to take the time and finally make it permanent, in writing and tell you how I feel about you.
    You are the one gift in my life I’ve ever had or ever wanted and you deserve to know it, there has been no gift in this world that anyone can give that compares to you. So I decide to write this holiday note for you so that my thoughts are said, clearly defined and do not go unsaid.
    I could not fathom not making sure you knew I was thinking of you this holiday season before I left for R&R leave. I know it’s a bit early but, I hope it brightens your day and makes your holidays special and merry.
    In our past I loved the inspiration and encouragement you gave me and you were always able to remind me that there were parts of me that were worth loving. I may not be the epitome of health anymore like I once was when I was younger and healthier, or as attractive. The thought of you makes me feel more alive and emotionally fulfilled as much as it did 32 years ago and that is all because of your strong influence on me.
    I thank you for reminding me of who I was when I sometimes forgot. You’ve taught me over the past week that sometimes dreams are just that a dream and may not be reality itself, and sometimes that time and patience can only determine our lives and future. I only wish the best for your life in your pursuit of happiness and true love even if it does not include me.
    Remembering our past, I fell head over heels in love with you the very first day I met you in second grade it was right then and there I knew you were someone special. I remember the morning walks with you that teachers made us endure when all we wanted to do was play and collect the large green nuts that fell from the trees near the stone walls. I remember square dancing, although I was a nervous wreck you made me feel at ease and all those nerves went away because, I was able to hold your hand and you made me feel safe, comfortable and secure. I remember feeling all those butterflies that overwhelmed my stomach when we first kissed, to me there was nothing on earth that compared to that special moment. I remember the Church dances, you made me feel like I was the most important person in your life. I will never forget our first time we shared together intimately and sexually. Even though it didn’t last very long and it was quick in that brief one special moment my Love for you was sealed forever in my heart. Every intimate gesture, sexual encounter, kiss, from that point on never faded no matter how much time we spent together physically or emotionally it always felt the same as the first time. Your effect on me to this day is extremely powerful and sometimes I wish that the effect didn’t come with the pain of not being yours again.
    Of course when we were young we were also free and did not have a care in the world, the only thing that mattered was being together. I recall making up elaborate schemes and plans to fool our parents so that we could spend every waking moment with one another. Going to the Mall to see a movie or just hang out listening to music, sneaking into your neighbor’s house to fool around, going on hay rides when it was freezing cold out, going to parties and just letting go. The depth in which I loved you and you loved me back will never be matched in my mind you were my soul mate. You were my everything and my inspiration. There has never been a significant other in my life that compels me as much as you do. You are my trigger that keeps me going. You are the most amazing, beautiful, kind, caring, loving, attractive angel in my life. You left me breathless when you were in my presence. I still remember how it felt to be weak in the knees from your touch or your breath across my neck.
    I saw you happy, I saw you cry, I saw you angry, I saw you smile … thirty two years later I long too see you again in all your perfections and imperfections the same way I remembered you from our past.
    In closing my fantasy of growing old with you and kissing your wrinkled face seems to be out of reach because, you love another. In so many ways you have changed my life and allowed me the chance to compare everyone else after you to the standards I saw in you. I’ve never have found or will ever find another you, you are unique the one person who holds a special place within me. To you and your Family I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years.
    All I can do is think about her and like you its effecting my work, my sleep, my anxiety, and will eventually effect my marriage and family.People on the forum say just let them go its not that damn easy, how do you forget someone you have not been able to get out of your mind for 32 years, you just can’t flip a switch. I’ve been through allot of bad shit in the Army during deployments and always prided myself on how well I kept it together … and here I am an absolute confused mess who can’t seem to get anything together. So someone please tell me I’m an idiot or give me the miracle cure because, I know my feelings are so deeply imbedded I will continue to pursue this.

  • Colin

    January 19th, 2018 at 4:12 PM

    Hi Motley,
    Your situation is not dissimilar to my own. I wish I could give you a cure for what you are feeling, but it doesn’t exist.
    I continue to struggle with my feelings and desperately want to go back to a time we were happy together. I still think about her every free moment. We have not spoke other than to wish each other seasons greetings by email only.
    I continue to take anti depressants which have helped me stay happier.
    When I told her that we needed to stop our communication to save my sanity she was very understanding but sad to loose her old friend. We agreed to keep each other’s contact details so should my relationship with my wife ever change it would be possible to reconnect again. It was a relief to break the communication albeit a very difficult decision to make.
    Motley, unless your marriage is over, and you and your wife want to split up, back away from your ex girlfiend. Its easy to find fault with your current relationship when you want to be with another. Don’t let this rediscovered friendship be the reason for destroying your marriage.
    My marriage was perfect until I forced it to have a problem. My wife was there for me all through my recovery even though she did not know why I was acting the way I was.
    My ex left me and never explained why. Even now she finds it difficult to justify her decision. My decision to stay with my wife was the right decision. I’m still recovering and on medication, I know I will never fully get over my encounter with my ex but life does go on. I’m sorry I don’t know all the answers but if my mistakes and explanations go some way to helping you understand and
    analyse your options subjectively, then I’m glad I can share my experiences. Just knowing you are not the only person going through these problems makes it a little more bearable.
    I wish you all the luck in the world making a choice that only you can make.

  • Wistful

    January 7th, 2019 at 9:04 PM

    I was 15, he was 18. We were together for 1 1/2 years. His father insisted we break up due to me not having same beliefs religiously. He even picked a new girl for him to date in the church that resembled me. He contacted me 38 years later, it’s horrible, haven’t talked to him in 11 months, he won’t leave my head till the day I die. That could be another 40 + years. I hope not, can’t bear it that long.

  • Jeannie

    October 31st, 2019 at 4:03 PM

    I totally agree Colin. My late husband made contact with his love of 34 years ago to let her know their mutual friend had committed suicide. It began simply, and quite formally, but seemed to proceed to what he told others was “loving and deeply personal” emails about their shared past (which I knew nothing about. She decided she wanted to talk on the phone and he was excited about that (he wrote a story about it, since he was a writer, and I have now read that story). He even planned to drive down the coast to our beach place to make the call – did he not realize that was a cheating move? The day before she emailed him and called off the phone call, not wanting to reopen things, although she had seemed keen to “rekindle” as he put it in his messages to friends (which I have now found). His motive was “bookend” and closure – his words. So then he’s devastated that she’s cut him off again, and when he learns months later that she had had an affair with his best friend, who killed himself, he is devastated all over again – tears and devastation, which of course he could not share with me. He destroyed all the emails between them. I only learn all this after his sudden death a few months ago in his 50s from a heart attack, which I have no doubt was contributed to by this skulking around behind my back messaging her, which he knew I would be furious about. It could have ended our marriage. Just do NOT ever go there. It could kill you, destroy a very happy marriage and several people. I am most angry that in his story about their recontacting each other I barely feature, except as a “happily married” mention, and that “surely one phone call in 27 years [they had met up once before which I knew about] wouldn’t interfere with my marriage?”. Yes it would, and now it has come back to devastate me all over again. I feel humiliated, like I was used and discounted while all this was going on behind my back. All I knew was that he was depressed and cold towards me. Thank heavens he saw the light and came back to me before he died but oh the pain now. Don’t do it, ever.

  • chris

    October 5th, 2017 at 4:15 AM

    I was contacted by an old love from my teens. She simply just wanted to say hello and check I was the person she thought I was. It had been 38 years since I had had any contact. I’m 30 years into my own fundamentally happy marriage, with grown up adult children. Over a 24 hour period, we sent some text messages along the lines of updates about our respective families and then left it at that. To my confusion, it created an emotional turmoil in my mind, which indicated that I had unmet needs in my existing relationship and used this contact from the past to seek professional counselling and to work through some issues in my own head. I would like to share this with my wife – but too scared to currently. What has amazed me is how strong emotions are, and how they can play around with the mind of someone who thinks they are fundamentally logical and rational. It has been an interesting experience learning more about yourself. I still feel very uncomfortable that I have had such an emotional response from something that is not real, and I believe this is not eve fair to my wife. I partly believe it is to do with the fact of getting older and somehow youth now seems so exciting, when in reality it was full of lots of stress, that I’m happy is now in the past.

  • Christina

    October 5th, 2017 at 11:18 AM

    Dear Chris,
    Thank you for your commitment. I appreciate your honesty and openness. Your perspective has been refreshing. I’m glad you’ve made right choices.

  • chris

    October 5th, 2017 at 5:24 PM

    Although social networking can be a catalyst for some of the problems in reconnecting with past romances, there is also the advantage that there is also widely distributed readily accessible material to counter these issues, which I have been thankful to be able to access. This enables you to realise that you are not unique, or even special, and you can make correct decisions, and emotions are sometimes pointing to other issues in your life that needs addressing. You can make the choice to walk into a fire and get burnt or take the sound advice and refrain from such foolish pursuits. Relationship stuff is so complex that I can appreciate that many couples remain happy to keep things very superficial, in after years of marriage, to go deeper creates great turmoil in your life – sometimes. I was recently quite shocked that a podcast I had been listening to in which the host provided some really valuable material on relationships, admitted recently that her own marriage had failed??

  • Steve

    October 12th, 2017 at 9:31 AM

    The past is the past. Looking back is sometimes very hard to do,I had persued my task of finding more info on my lost love. But then stopped short ,when I took the time to really think about what might happen. In my pursuit I found a barrier I couldn’t breach,or rather shouldn’t ,you see her husband work with her. So to avoid any negative contact, I’ve broken off my endeavor, and have decided to keep this “fantasy” exactly where it should be kept. Only in my dreams.
    Thanks again ,for being a sounding board, and providing a place dreamers can go.

  • OzzyGirl

    March 12th, 2018 at 1:35 PM

    My story is a little different than everyone else’s here. My FL and I started dating toward the end of my senior year of high school. He was a junior. I thought we’d just have fun for a few months before I left for college and I’m sure he did too. Well, we ended up falling in love that summer, and he lost his virginity to me (I was no longer a virgin already). We decided to allow each other to see other people once the summer was over, but when I left for school it was so hard on both of us. There was no internet back then, but we wrote to each other and called when we could. A few weeks after the semester started, I went home for a holiday. We saw each other and were so happy and so sad at the same time. A few weeks after that he came to visit me for the day. He said he wanted to be exclusive again, and of course I said yes. We were only an hour apart from each other and we made it work. The next 5 months were amazing. Then I went home one weekend and he hit me with a bombshell. He was breaking up with me to go out with someone else, who just happened to be going to the same college as him that fall. I was devastated. There were absolutely no warning signs before this. Oh well, I had no choice but to move on. He obviously had. The “no contact” expression didn’t exist then, but that’s what I did. I didn’t write, call, bother his friends, etc. and I cultivated quite the social life for myself with the opposite sex. I also didn’t have to have anything to do with him in my day to day life so that made it easier. That summer he came into the restaurant where I worked a couple of times with friends. He tried to talk to me but I was indifferent. The next time I saw him was a long time later, the fall of my junior year. He and a friend from high school showed up at my dorm. I don’t know how he found me. He told me that he broke up with the girl he had dumped me for, and I was like ok. He called me during winter break and we talked a couple of times, and we went to the mall once. After we both returned to school, he started calling me there, always late and always drunk. I didn’t engage because I’ve always thought that’s stupid. Then I met my now-husband. After we were together a few months, when FL called, I told him he needed to stop calling me. He actually found my boyfriend (now husband) a few days later and called him, just to make sure he loved me. At some point after that, FL started dating the girl that he eventually married. The next time I saw FL was over a year later, the summer after I graduated. He came with a friend to the restaurant where I worked to say hello. I saw him for the last time a few years after that. We were both home visiting our families and we ran into each other at the drugstore, so we caught up for about 10 minutes. That was 23 Year’s ago. A few years after that, my best friend from high school called me one day to tell me that FL had recently started working at her company. They had caught up – I had recently gotten married. He asked if she’d give him my phone number so we could catch up but she wanted to ask me first. I said ok, but I never heard from him. Meanwhile, my life has been pretty freaking good. Everyone has their problems, but my husband is amazing and we truly love each other. We moved to another part of the country that we love, we have 2 kids and I love my job. Fast forward to last July. Out of the clear blue sky I get a friend request from FL on FB. I couldn’t believe it. I really wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to accept, so I let it sit for a few weeks. I did finally accept it. Just FYI, I don’t friend anyone on FB. I figure if someone wants to be in touch, they can friend me. Now, whenever anyone friends me on FB that I’ve been out of touch with for a long time, they typically message me and we catch up. That didn’t happen here with FL. I thought that was weird. Of course, I checked out his profile. He’s married, 3 kids, now lives on another continent, can’t tell what he does for a living. A few weeks go by and FL has “liked” a couple of my photos and posts. So I said enough is enough and I messaged him, why did he decide to contact me now? No response. A few weeks after that, I went into his info on his page and found an email address. I wrote an email to FL saying that it’s been such a long time, I’m not mad at him for contacting me, how are things, blah blah blah. No response. Now I’m weirded out, because I think he just wants to Facebook-stalk me. A few weeks later I unfriended him. It didn’t feel right to me to allow him access into my world when he wouldn’t even tell me what he thought or wanted. Any thoughts from anyone?

  • Colin

    March 15th, 2018 at 11:47 AM

    Hi OzzyGirl, I think you avoided a bullet by breaking all contact. Put him out of your mind a continue to enjoy your life with your husband. I was not as strong as you appear and 18 months later I am still struggling to get back to normal. I always thought I could handle my situation of being contacted by my ex after 28 years. How wrong I was and thanks to Facebook for making it so easy to find an old flame. Good luck and don’t look back.

  • Whiskie1994

    March 18th, 2018 at 1:29 AM

    He feels bad for what he did with you even at a distance of decades… I think what he wanted (that’s what I want but I’m still cautious if do it or not) is a thin line of communication, something like “hi, are you ok, and bye”, occassionally liking your posts like a long distance fan. Very short with no extensive details. He already got the message so don’t look back as Colin said. He knows that you are out there doing excellent and alive and that what is counts.

  • Motley

    March 18th, 2018 at 6:47 AM

    Hello OzzyGirl,
    First I have to say what a very eye catching screen name! My screen name was probably derived from the same era 80’s / 90’s. So enough of that; seems to me you have handled the situation with FL very well. Just curious are you still looking for closure? Not trying to pry or intrude, however my personal opinion is that you may have not fully let go of FL yet and that’s ok. No matter how much we want to put the feelings of our FL in the past its not that simple. From a guys perspective FL is probably looking for closure as well, it could be that FL is to apprehensive to approach you because he may fear being rejected. FL may be trying to reach out to through FB in the hopes you will miracously see it and hit him up. Yes, this is a strange approach by FL I have to admit but maybe he is trying to get in touch with you. You mentioned he was married this could be a contributing factor why FL does not reply back due to the fear of being caught by his wife. If you feel he is genually FB-stalking then you absolutely did take the right actions to protect your privacy. I would discuss my current situation but, this about you so this is where my focus lies. You and FL have allot of history together there is no denying that based off your story, so try to remember some of those good times and then reflect on what you have right in front of you now. Young love is a wonderful thing to experience its basically the catalyst on who we are attracted to later on in life. Hold it close to your heart, remember it and cherish it because its a part of you. However sad it is it was your past! Move on with your life now and please do not burden your mind with what could have been; its a hard road to travel once you get trapped in its grasp. You did the right thing, love yourself and your husband your future will only blossom together; eventually so will FL’s.


  • OzzyGirl

    May 2nd, 2018 at 4:13 AM

    Hi all, I’ve been very busy these past several weeks but I wanted to check back here. I think we can all agree that this site is a great virtual support group! There are a lot of people out there that didn’t experience a very young first love, but for those of us that did, we all know how unique and powerful that is. Also, being “found” again by people from the past is a situation that didn’t exist wide-scale 10+ years ago, so way back in the day, if a relationship was over, it was truly over! Unless you saw your first love at a reunion or ran into one of their close friends or family members, there was no way you’d reconnect. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to call your boyfriend/girlfriend from 20+ years ago even if you knew their number, or ring their doorbell. Social media has had this unexpected consequence of bringing the past into the present for those of us over 40, and it seems that more often than not, the 2 eras can’t coexist. People younger than that can’t really relate, because social media has existed in some form since they were much younger, so they’ve never really had to lose touch with anyone. Thank you specifically to Colin, Whiskie and Motley for writing to me. I can tell that you’re all hurting for different reasons, but you can all relate to my story. Colin, I hope that you’re continuing to heal. If therapy and/or medication is helping you, then keep doing what you need to do. Whiskie, I understand what you’re saying about being a “fan” from afar. That’s fine for most of my FB connections. I also get that my FL likely feels bad about how he ended our relationship, even all this time later. However, it’s not my job to manage his feelings, particularly his 2018 feelings. Also, I did say that I tried reaching out to him a couple of times after he friended me, but got no response. That’s what feels FB-stalkerish to me. I don’t know if you and your FL have communicated in any way since I wrote my original post. However, as others here have said, he might not respond to you at all especially since he’s married, or not in the way that you want. If nothing has happened yet, please let it go. I know it hurts but it’s better for you. Motley, I think of everyone here, you and I are a yin and yang. You are only a couple of years older than I am. I read your whole story and I can feel your pain. I agree with you that you never truly get over your FL, and that’s ok. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s never stopped thinking about me. But, I had moved on a long time ago because I had no choice, and honest to goodness, I hadn’t thought about him in years and years. And as I’ve said before, I opened the door for him to communicate with me after he FB friended me but he chose to not reciprocate. I’m sure he’s scared to death of being caught by his wife. Now, IMHO, anyone who is truly happy in a relationship won’t look to communicate with long-ago exes. I’m willing to bet that he is bored or unhappy with his marriage or his life in general. But again, it’s not my job to manage his feelings. I truly wish he hadn’t contacted me. Clearly he misses me, but it’s not fair to bring me into his pain. I hope you’re doing better these days, Motley.

  • clonglcsw

    December 5th, 2018 at 6:49 AM

    As someone has been on both sides of a situation like this, I can relate and empathize. It feels good to be pursued, it is a form of validation, and it strokes our egos. We have different needs at different ages and stages and ego is fluid. You may really need to take personal inventory and consider your current status, the status of your marriage, and be considerate of your current spouse. This could damage 2 families. A heads-up is not only appropriate, but warranted, especially if you have suspicions about his motivation or being an FB stalker. Further, sharing this with your spouse may be uncomfortable, but it has the potential to strengthen you current relationship, eliminate the potential of perceived impropriety, and yes if navigated properly it has the potential to spice things up a bit in the bedroom with your spouse.. Moving forward, I can’t emphasize the wisdom of Ms. Lipe, the author of the thread, “If there is something going on in your life that you can’t tell your partner, then the relationship is in trouble already.” Again, this is probably more about you than your ex; check yourself, inform your spouse, get help if you need it, keep moving forward.

  • Whiskie1994

    November 13th, 2017 at 3:03 AM

    Just watched a video uploaded by him… all I want to say is “Hi, time don’t pass on you, seeing you online put a smile in my face, take good care” and bye bye… I’m kind of “scared” that if something happens to me then I’ll not be able to say it anymore (that I care for him) Analysing things carefully, I will not leave my husband (who took care of me in my worst days) and I know he will not fly thousands of miles to have a coffee with me… in reality I’m not sure but most probably a negative reaction I would get from his side as he is a highly declared follower of Jesus… gosh I know is the past and I will just leave it there… just a thought, a prayer, smile to myself and the show must go on…

  • Christina

    November 13th, 2017 at 10:19 AM

    Such a heartfelt comment. I find I do the same with Facebook watching from afar. It has helped me to try and make peace with the past and recognize that the memory is a bit similar to how athletes describe an old sports injury: mostly healed with occasional soreness. I recognize that I may always have a tender place in my heart for what was but I’ve got to release and rest in the fact that Jesus Christ loves me so much and I go to God through prayer and give Him my heart breaks and troubles and ask for the kindness and hugs of God to take the place of all the pain. It’s a gradual unyoking of my heart and affections to either the reality or perceived reality of what was. I think the only way I’ve gotten and am getting through this is because I’m contiously exchanging.

  • Marcus

    November 28th, 2017 at 7:27 PM

    I’m in a bit of a different situation. I’ve not been contacted by my ex, but I’m seriously considering making contact. I’ve recently been doing renovations on the house I grew up in. In the process of taking down some old ceiling, I came across a number of hand written letters that my high school lover wrote to me. After 34 years my memory is a bit foggy, but I must have hidden them from my parents because of the content. This girl was the first love of my live. We lost our virginity to each other. One of the letters was basically a very very positive and descriptive recap of that experience. Because of the letters I now know that I lost my virginity on December 1st :) Feeling and memories faded by the fog of time have suddenly crystalized into amazing detail and clarity. We were forced to break up by our parents. We didn’t have a falling out or came across someone better. We were in a sense, Romeo and Julieted.
    My current situation is that I’ve been married for 24 years. I do love my wife, but I feel like the marriage is based off friendship and convenience. There is very little intimacy, and its been like that for many years. We do not have children so there is that. Maybe at 50 friendship and convenience is enough? It doesn’t feel like it should be. I’m not dead and in the ground yet. I’ve been contemplating contacting her and telling her the story of the long lost letters and how they’ve made me think of her. Then see if she would like to meet to take a look at them. Or.. I could take out a match and set them on fire.

  • Chris

    November 30th, 2017 at 2:14 AM

    Marcus my thoughts would also be tempered by the reality that your old romance may now have a family of her own, the last thing you would want to do is hurt an innocent partner (her’s) for the sake of your own feelings.
    We all look back with very tinted glasses, the past in reality for all of us can never be recreated.

  • Marcus

    November 30th, 2017 at 3:10 PM

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve done some homework. Like myself, she has no children. She is uses her maiden name in social media, and I see no evidence of a male companion. I know that isn’t 100% proof, but I have a high level of confidence that she is “available”. I think what this really comes down to is me. Am I willing to risk a marriage that is akin to a comfortable pair of blue jeans for something that could be amazing? Alternately, it could fall apart in the first wash.

  • isis56

    November 30th, 2017 at 12:02 PM

    Marcus: My situation was I was contacted by a very old boyfriend in 2012, I had hoped he changed from the arrogance that he had in 1979, when he came out of the firm on a day i was going to tell him I was 2 and a half months pregnant by him, He told me that he had other problems and the pregnancy was my problem He was going to the west coast that day since he had been fired from His firm In the RCA building for losing a big account. I was thinking of how I was going to tell my father who was Very old by that time, My mother took things in hand and told me to not tell my father, and against her own beliefs took me to a Clinic in NYC and I had an abortion. At the time I had an argument with my husband three weeks before that was also inclusive of his father in my husband’s rehab room about a vacation in 2015, It was 2012when that Argument occurred, It was the day before the family and friend group was Leaving For Isreal on the 9th trie year vacations that we went on since the first to Rome in 1987. These vacations and holidays were a source of contention with my husband, We tried to get him to make different plans for a specific time frame to allow people with less seniority but a greater need for the prime month summer vacations. We were always trying to get my husband to take any of the weeks he was due from The end of the holiday shutdown after New Years to Valentines day, With A little prior planning about three years ahead, we could have gone on some very nice Tropical vacations at that time and He would have been out of the way of weddings and honeymoons, the need for people to have the Summer months for their children in school. He, however, wanted the Europe vacations I went on every three years and after 2009 and The horrible send off we got from him over the orient express. When He was demanding the Refund Check we got for his berth and flight so he could Get the Direct flight to Paris And rent a car then at every stop harass the family and friends so much about his canceled trip we would not have a good time all the way to the Golden Horn> I ended up piling up against the Wall of a conference room when I was telling him it was just 210 more days then he would get his stinking time off . He just had to be patient and take the surprise we had for him arranged. He would get his money back on Christmas day at his work gate when we bought his holiday sandwiches like alway and he would find out where we were going then, WE were just trying to diffuse the fact we had canceled his berth without his permission to let a man with 32 years less seniority take the berth he had planned for himself and his four-month pregnant bride, The young man could not get the time until she was due. My husband said Hand the money over, I said No we did not want trouble, He grabbed my Bag and heaved as I tried to hold on and my shoulder dislocated and he rifled my bag for all amounts of money. He then demanded his passport which his father was going to give TSA to Mail back to my husband It was in his pocket. It took his brother, Brother Inlaw, The Union Minister we asked to help us keep the peace and the union steward with three TSA. To actually lay on my husband who was still trying to strangle his father to death over that vacations cancelation. His mother looked at us and said have fun jerks and a few other expletives and when his father tried to turn her back saying she knew the kids had an anniversary party planned in Brussels. She looked at my husband’s sister and asked who paid for it, She said my husband. Over 3000> His father said their son just needed to understand there was a greater need, She said She was Canceling her trip and Giving the money to repay my husband to him and we could drop dead, we did not have the right. She caught my Husband As he was Leaving the lot. He went to work the next three weeks, We got back to many people crying about how my husband had been the last two weeks, His Foreman and the Union Just sat him down with his laptop at work and He just did nothing but streamed TV. Somebody would ask for something and was met by a raised middle finger, Said he was supposed to be on vacation.
    We came back to The Sheriff meeting us with Cuffs ready, My husband had sworn a complaint out for acting as a false agency, and the grand jury found in a half hour we were to be arraigned, That Friday I went and pleaded no contest to the charges on advice from my lawyer. I had to go up to the bench and sign the check as well as his father, My husband received the money that day. I asked the judge if I could say something before I made my plea to my husband. I said why was he doing this, We told him we had a surprise started for the Second of January Why couldn’t he just be satisfied we were trying to see to his needs as well as the other people in the area, Why couldn’t he just do the Christian thing and just take what we had offered. He was the one for 24 years that kept himself from having time off just because he would not take what we felt he should. He said then consider him a heathen, He looked at me and asked if I remembered what he told me in 2000, To consider him Lucifer, He would rule in his hell rather than, our Idea of heaven. He had lived up to that the last eight years until then. Every time he was interfered with he hurt someone. That started in 2001 when the intention was to back him and three of his ex-military friends of a Seniority job bid.
    I bolted him out of the house after he got off work on the morning of November the 6th 2001. His father had told me he might get a little roughed up but don’t call the police unless he went to the ground or blood was drawn. My Neighbors called the police. Blood was drawn just not my husband who told the four men to get whoever was whose wife and get off our porch and out of his face he was not Removing his bid. I watched my husband take those men apart in under a minute and he concentrated on the man I had spent a night within Bavaria over the millennials was just so in need of a touch and a man that did not call me a bit** for denying sex, for trying to get him to Be nice and take what we suggested instead of defying us to the end. He turned all four of those young men into critical care patients in under one minute. all over a stinking shift and job The next eight years was every holiday his father and friend would Come in and level shotguns at my husband Tell him he had no rights after what he did over that job so he was going to work His passport went into a safe deposit and after the Denmark vacation we were met by US marshals who marched his father into his safe deposit and told him he could either open it or it would get drilled. His father was so mad when they produced the Search warrant and were getting set to drill it he opened it and handed my husband his passport, Saying he was about to get taught what it was to be a man, My husband marched up to him and said send whatever troops he needed and he could watch them die as they tried to teach him and as far as he was concerned it could start that instant and he would stuff his father into the box. The marshalls said He had his property back, no need for more trouble. I started to leave with him and he turned and said if I wanted to stay alive I would get another ride home. I told him since he would not take our suggestion what did he want, He said every vacation that had been stolen from him back Everything from Rome to Denmark, including the Millennials in Bavaria. I said everything was in the past why couldn’t he just try it our way he might like it. He said always back to the tropics. He said the worst sunburn of his life was Kings Bay Georgia On Christmas day 1984 He had not been in the sun since 1981 except then why would he want a vacation in the sun to get burned. In other words, there was nothing we could try and Meet my husband’s needs and meet the needs of others> After MRSA in 2009 which we felt was my husband’s fault because he would just never find anything to be happy about. I Saw him getting out of Jail on the 5th of September 2009 The union minister let us talk to him in the Cafeteria on his break, HE walked in Threw the house key on the table, and permission to draw a weekly allowance which I thought is considered economic abuse. He was nearly doubled over in pain and was 60 pounds lighter than I remembered in May He was sweating like crazy and His steward said to find the place where he’s camping and try and get him in a real bed. We followed him to the state park a few miles from our house and we lost him just after he parked He walked into the woods and vanished. Even Conservation officers could not find him> Then the call came on the 24th of October 2009 that my husband was being sent to the Main hospital campus on the East side We were told that he was probably not going to survive the surgery he was in They had to revive him once already and the damage to his spine was extensive> A MRSA Abscess had formed around it at L4, L5 The infection was in a place that was the nexus for most the body.
    That’s why he was in rehab in 2012. In 2013 my husband showed no Mercy after my old boyfriend swept his cane, The Cane was thrown and my boy friend’s skull caved, My husband went to finish him off and he was seen by police as he buried his fist in the other man breaking more bones screaming whos the Pathetic looser now> They took my husband to a Stress center for the rage he was showing My nose and lip were bleeding after I tried to stop him he just swatted me across the room to continue the beating.
    Two weeks later he comes home On a night I had promised and accepted an invitation to a dinner event. I was going with My inlaws and his fathers best friend as the fourth, We had arranged for Saturday to take him to a nice dinner and we could all sit down and try and come up with a way to achieve peace without people getting in the way with thier dislike of my husband, Before That diiner I was Begging him He did not have to be so angruyy all the time we knew we had not been fair but life was not fauiir, He said then condssider thaytt evening life was not going to be fair to me. He ripped every stitch off me shredding it. I was pleading with him couldn’t we just try and think of a way to work together for all needs this did not have to happen this way. HE said No it was His way from then on he was the final and only judge and arbiter in his life unless we killed him.. I got off the floor sobbing, Hurt, bleeding a bit. Looked at him as he slipped his shorts and sweats on and he actually said my next victims at the door, It was his fathers best friend demanding entrance.
    My husband told him I was not going so scram. The man told my husband out of his way crip, The Neighbor across the street saw it all He said My husband caught him by the back if his coat and took him to the rail. He saw his fathers arrival and Threw him over the rail and if his father had not slammed on the brakes his friend would have been on his lap> The friend slammed into the drive face first. I can’t get hi9m to cooperate with anything since. His father after the Cookout on a memorial day 2014 was angry because my husband made his friend drop the reservation for the club in his hand MY name was on it beside his friends, The man ran for his life and his father slapped his son for bad manners. I said please, please don’t make trouble I would stay at home with him Just let things be. MY husband however wanted the trouble as he took me to the club. after he backhanded his father across the kittchen. Nothing short of going into the clkub was stoping my husband even the doorman who was notified we were coming was waiting to stop my husband and my husband played the weak cripple as he was pushed back by the doorman until both were on a public sidewalk then That cane waylaid the doorman and he woke up with my husbands knee in his back and his ponytail strachi9ng his head back He lost his teeth on that sidewalk when he said he would kill my husband.
    Then in june They gave him Ketamine in a drink and stranded him on a county road outside in the county Leaving him to sleep it off On the fourth of July, The state police came Out into our yard with Metro police and had everyone turn their pockets out and found two men with the drug and charged them with abduction to cause harm, My husbands stomach had to be pumped. Then Two weeks later his father and two others helld him at pistol point on the deck to Just talk to me without my husband in the way, HE put his chest up to both weapons and even said or did they want it to point blank to his head, He would be glad to meet them in hell when the needle was given. I thought he was insane at that point and so did his father and the other two men and we got away fast. Then my angry husband showed up and stepped around our waitress to lay the faces of the two men open to the bone and was going to impale his father. We had not had one second of Cooperation from my husband since 1987, And that time it was brought to court. I fled Wyoming where we lived with my then two-year-old sone eight weeks ago to Newport News VA. My husband showed up with a court order and left yesterday with him. I don’t know what I can do to bring peace to my life and Have the Peace love and understanding that I had hoped for decades ago. My Husband doesn’t care if I come back, He let me have the savings. But will not Let me have more. I sit here lonely Knowing That I can’t stay too long here on my own. So I am going back. Hope that I don’t have friends that want to interfere now his mother and father are dead.

  • Whiskie1994

    February 12th, 2018 at 6:19 AM

    I should not do this but is stronger than me, watching him from afar… he currently has a job that image looks quite important; videos of his family, doing sports and lots of activities related with his job, a perfect life!! This is his shield which I resolute not to contact him… I’m “happy” to see him happy and plentiful as a person and human being, it pains when I think that he decided not to allow space for me in his life… In my case? well, a family too but much an appearance thing, we are growing apart but still I have no intentions of leaving him… As written months ago, a secret to be keep longlife… I hope that if I have to hit the grave I still have time to send him a messagge just to tell him I always cared for him…

  • Motley

    February 12th, 2018 at 7:53 PM

    Hello Whiskie1994
    How long have you cared for this person? Time doesn’t heal a broken heart completly once you think you have conqured the feelings for that person one day out of the blue hits you like a ton of bricks. When some one has a deep love for a person it doesn’t ever go away it just lies dormant until something reminds you of them; Its not a switch that can be turned off and on. If you contact this person be cautious the reply may not be received as you expect it or want it to be. Be prepared to have your heart hurt a little more if the person is not willing to react positively or decides his marriage is more important. I made a grave mistake of pouring my heart out to a girl I new 32 years ago in high school hoping she still felt the same way I did. Well we still text and send emails but she is engaged and very guarded emotionally. I’m still confused with her as to what she wants and why she continues to write or text. She says she wants to be “friends” but, she ask some serious personal questions for some one who just wants to be friends. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m a puppet being strung along, not sure where I will go from this point. My background is similar to your story however, I’m the one with the carreer that pays well, I have kids in sports and videos I’ve shared with her, problem is my marriage currently is very strained to put it mildly. I’ve told my wifes intentions on getting a divorce, so she now knows. Whether I move ahead with or without my first love has not been determined yet, either way I must move on with my life to find some peace and happiness. I looked at your previous posts and saw this man was a religious person, this may be a very difficult situation for both of you especially if his faith in God & Marriage are strong. I do believe that if you do contact him and let him know he will be very honest with you but kind and gentle not to hurt your feelings. There is no harm telling some one you care about them its human nature. I hope this helps with your decission and things work out the way you expect them.
    Good Luck Motley

  • Whiskie1994

    March 18th, 2018 at 12:15 AM

    Thanks for your opinion… as wrote in my previous posts, I still feel strong enough for not to contact him… he makes himself alive through social media and that’s fine for me but sometimes I ask myself, haven’t he even had a small thought to find out if I’m doing well or just alive? (I have no “official” social accounts). We have no common friends, the person who introduced us is “gone”… Me as probably many people here, I don’t contact him because I’m not ready for a negative reaction ( something like “I already wrote to you my final opinion and decision 24 years ago” we broke by mail, last time we saw each other we were lovers) Maybe in the future I will do it when I know I will be strong enough to cope an ultimate final pain.

  • cy n

    December 1st, 2018 at 1:00 PM

    Good to view these comments; have not gotten over college relationship even though I am age 71; was doing ok until retirement, now I am very alone and everything reminds me of him; do no on line dating and I will not contact him; person he married chased him behind my back, which is something I would never do; his friends are mine also so I did cut off their correspondence with me, ready to now move out of state far away; anyone else in remembering the past and cannot find a replacement?

  • odinseye55

    March 19th, 2018 at 10:00 PM

    I am in my room by myself and my wife is talking to the police about why I just took her cash, her credit cards and checkbooks away from her. I told the police that if I was paying for a vacation then she had no right to keep me from coming on it. She is explaining that last nights assault on my person was because I was being so unreasonable about waiting two weeks then flying in and she would spend two more weeks doing as I wanted and her and her friends could enjoy the first two weeks without me causing them undue stress. Frankly I could care less about that group of snobs except when they interfere with me as they had the last 40 years, where I draw the line is my wife who still stands with them over me, I have been the sole wage earner and support for my worthless wife since 1982. from when I returned from the navy inn 1985 till October of 2009 I worked every day but six 12 to 16 hours a day seven days a week and my father and that bunch including my wife thought they were being nice even offering me a vacation in the dead of winter, when she would be off in Europe having fun at my expense every three years. THIS YEAR I HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM HER IN DECIDINGMY RIGHTS IN THIS MATTERAND WILL NPT CONSIDER THEIR IDEA OF SEPERATE BUT EQUAL. I willnot take a weperate vacation to keep her frinds happy , and I did not allow one that was unhappy about me being with my wife to lay his stinking hands on me when I shattered every tooth out of his face. I was the only one that had any say in the matter, none of them did in my opinion, my wife just came in the room crying and told me the police here have agreed with me, She cries asking why couldn’t I just try and do as others ask of me without the constant argument about it, try and use the offered options wasn’t it better to just take things differently than hurt people over it just because I want the same considerations. take the times I consider worse so others can have it nice without my resentment over it. I ask if any one else would put up with snobs like them to dictate his life to the point its totally controlled without launching a counter control.

  • John

    April 30th, 2018 at 3:20 PM

    The resentment and rejection you feel about being treated like a doormat, punch-bag and benefactor is unlikely to disperse for many years. Obviously the Police think you are right in wanting what is fair. You have to retain your safety-net which is that there is someone out there that would exercise the love and honour for you that you have shown to your wife for so long. You have already snapped under provocation and when you can take no more, you will have to make the appropriate decision to protect your health. It is then a course of action that causes you the least pain. Best wishes and good luck.

  • Cally

    December 11th, 2018 at 12:31 PM

    I had watched my husband from 2000 when we went to and came back from the Millinialls. We had had to have him jailed to keep him from forcing five lesser seniority who also wanted the time off to work instead of him He worked the holiday shut down the next two weeks and started getting revenge on first his fathers friend on the bench for ordering him jailed and forced to work out of the jail making a parts bank for assembly start up on the 3rd of January 2000. he met us after the ACLU forced his release on the second because he was not given the signed order of judgement to be incarcerated, in fact there had never been one filed since it was being handled in the good old boys way.. There was not even a warrant issued or his right accorded him until the aclu walked in on the second with a Writ of Habeus corpus. He had also contacted friends with information he had dug up that was detrimental to his fathers friend on the bench that got him put in a federal pen for 15 years. They all had an axe to grind with the judge for the way he treated ex military that came home in the union.

    I was hoping to come back after the New year to just have a talk with him on his birthday the fifth of January at a nice place since he had caused so much trouble in peoples lives getting revenge for not getting his way the last nineteen years. That return was the most nauseating return a wife and his family could ever get, Being called slaves with the offer to whip him in front of the community on a wagon wheel with a bull whip. Told his father in front of many people he was getting what he always wanted for Christmas, The opportunity to whip the uppity slave until he died, Jus make sure we left him tied over night on the wheel to bleed to death or freeze whichever came first.

    The next nine years we had to endure every year somebody we knew so badly hurt by my husband because we just could not let him have the life he felt he earned In time off, vacations and sex, Especially after he became violent violent in his total refusal to take the back seat on his job Wait just two weeks and let four younger seniority with powerful family ties in the community have the Start up Repair and tool stores position in the new plant. His father and others felt it was just like his senior year of high school thumbing his nose at those in more powerful positions in the community. They were right, After I negotiated a solution to what he wanted in time off, what he wanted in a job in a way that would not cause major problems, over him going to a new job and shift after 16 years, I was even going to beg that we start a sex life and start our family finally. I told him every thing hinged on his just backing off one more time to get what he wanted in peace. Take a new job and shift waiting only two weeks What was that after 16 years of wanting off the worst job in the plant and having a judge tell him for 15 of those years it was nothing but the courts decision And he did not get any thing until he ruined a mans life because he was not getting his way over vacations, hoilidays jobs and other things he felt he earned the last 20 years> I was on my knees begging him to back off for the men with less seniority because of their community positions. My husband invited me to take his father by the hand and both of us could step in front pf a semi on the interstate, He was not giving up his rights one more time without a fight them he said go ahead get him to the hospital and went into his job We arrived home after my husband the next morning to find the dinner I had worked hard on with his mother sister and the daughter of the man that was in surgery Being ripped to pieces by dogs. Instead of my husband geting sandwiches for his thanksgiving meal we were getting them at dennys that morning with his father hurt again from getting my husbands heel in his face for waking him up before he had to go back to work the next morning then on Christmas eve when they forced my husband into the back seat5 of his fathers car three more men were hurt bad after one went through his fathers windshield from the inside ending up under the back tires. The other two ended up hitting the pavement after the hardware from the back doors flew off at 45 Mph , His father was found slumped over his drivers wheel with a lump on his head as big as a baseball, It was a year my mother had accepted and invitation to come for Christmas and When he came back and shoved me out of the way begging him to just stay and talk to the police. My husband said and where was he going to get a fair shake from them. He had not had one in two and a half decades for what was his by right. I had not even seen fit to earn my keep as a wife in 2 and a half decades since his return from the navy. Just a sponge that stood with everyone else taking what was his by right He had eight rows of staples in his back and less than ten percent nerve impulse in his legs. Christmas 2010 and 2011 we were just wanting hisd father not to yell any lionger abouyt us wanting to bring him home by wheel chair van for the holidays, His father maintained he needed to concentrate on walking witthout support so he needed to not embarrass us in the way in a wheel chair. Three years four months after the surgery on his spine he came home. Not with any thing that resembled a spirit of peace> Just the decision he was going to have say over> HE was not going to let us decide any thing even now or everything in our life from then on.. Within two weeks the man I had been seeing the last eight months of rehab ended up in intensive care from the beating my husband gave him for sweeping his cane and calling him a Ewoi weeks later bought home from the regional mental health by insurance taxi on a night I had been invited by his father to accompany his best friend to A Black Tie Awards dinner. It was like I was standing in front of a bear with no place to run, as he tore my outfit off yelling at me I was going to keep the hundreds of promises made and broken to him I was going to be the wife I should have been. and as far as any one else was concerned he was the final and only judge and arbiter in his life. We had no more say at all And he would kill any one that thought different I was trying to cover myself with what was left of my gown pleading and begging that he did not have to be that way we could try and find some common ground. Find a way to get him what he wanted without someone bleeding and broken Nobody else had to hurt because of what we had done for 31 years still cry about wondering just when he had stopped loving me deciding instead on revenge My husband saw My old friend come by himself in mid November just to see how I was doing after that horrible two weeks when My now five year old from that time decided the next day that my old friend did no deserve respect since his daddy left for high range because of him and did not take his little boy with him because he was in kindergarten. The next morning my friend told my little Boy h4e would take him to the bus stop and when my friend left later that day he was still limping because my son let him have his cowboy boots in his shin Saying my daddy left because of us.

    I have started to try and explain about why his father did not like my friend being there I just can’t think of how to put it to a five year old. Me My mother, Sister and her husband as well as our son are flying up to high range next week by heilo for a month returning the next semester for school in mid January> I don’t even know if he will stay in the cabin,. or just mount up again and ride off for someplace else in the mountains not caring about the snow.

    There has to be a way out of this anger jusdt because he was denied his way for 31 years!

  • Yepthatsme

    August 16th, 2018 at 10:33 AM

    I found myself in a situation over the last couple of weeks. I started thinking about whatif scenarios in my life. Of course it turned to a few women or girls that were in my life years ago. I have been happilu married for 17 years and been together 21. I started thiking about the one before i met my wife. We were platonic friends who went out and did most things any couple would do but never got intimate, not even a kiss . Eventually i fell madly in love with her but never thought she would reciprocate. Fast forward a year she enlists in the military and goes to boot camp. I eventually decide to date other people and meet my eventual wife. (She dated other guys during the time we went out) a few months go by im still writing her and actually tell her that i am dating someone. I actually sent a letter asking her to please tell me if she had any feelings for me to tell me now. Nothing nada zip eventually letters stop and i figured things were over between us. She then shows up at parents house on christmas eve of all things. Needless to say things did not go well. I felt like a complete jerk.
    But she still agrred to go out to lunch a few days later and i thought we ended on a good note. So after a few years of note thinking about her she popped into my head and then i found her on social media i tried contacting her but never got an answer. It actually might be for the best. I have a good thing and i dont want to ruin it.

  • cyn n

    December 1st, 2018 at 12:54 PM


  • C

    August 23rd, 2018 at 4:40 AM

    If I can help one single person not fall in the same trap as me this text is worth it. I have read Colin’s comments and they are very similar to mine. Trust him on his words, don’t go in to that alley.
    In short my background, married since 2004 and we have been together since 1997 and have 2 kids.
    As any marriage we have had our ups and downs and taken each other for granted for sure but overall it was not a bad marriage. I have been very selfish from time to time but I love my wife and I think she loves me even more and we get the day working for us.
    In Jan 2017 I was contacted by my ex from 20 years ago with just a “Hi, hope all is good and Happy New Year” sort of on LinkedIn. I was immediately excited and had thought of her from time to time during the years but I stopped by just a thought. We started chatting for some months, not very frequently but some times per week. First mistake, I did not tell my wife which I should have done.

    It all got more frequent and I could share anything with her which was absolutely fantastic and it really felt like she noticed and saw me in a way that no one did for 20 years. And I cannot blame my wife for who can do that after 20 years and second, I was not always very good at noticing my wife and we did not really speak about how we felt between us, all was related to practical family things.

    We fell in love not seeing each other or having any contact for 20 years. (Yes, once we meet when she was visiting our hometown but just a hi on the street and I did not reflect over it really then, 9 years ago)
    I started to disconnect more and more from my wife and started pouring over love messages with my ex and she acknowledged it back. It turns out she is in the middle of a divorce and now my head spins even more about this blissful love. She lives in another country so I had to see her, (my mind said) and arranged so I could go there with my job and we had a first meeting. This was around 10 months after our first chat message. It was amazing and I was 20 years younger and so in love with this woman. I flew back home saying nothing to my wife and now the shame, anxiety, guilt starts to build up. It has been a living hell since then and has affected my work to such a point where I could not perform any longer and was not delivering.. My mind was constantly on this old love.

    I told my wife I was not happy in the marriage and it totally crushed her. We started to go marriage counseling but deep deep inside I knew it was not the right thing to split up the family. Even at counseling I did not tell I had seen my ex and that I was totally overwhelmed with this blissful love. And as the coward I am my anxiety is now so huge with pain in my chest and a totally blurry mind I came open to my wife saying I had cheated on her and basically asking my wife to “release” me from this marriage. She was devastated and to my surprise said she would not do this but instead forgive me instead and if I wanted out of the marriage I was the one who had to call it a day. And I couldn’t do it, I love my wife and my family. My parents divorced and I have always said that my children should not have the same faith as me and in fact there was no real reason for it. Overall it was good marriage but at some point we stopped communicate with each other.

    I explained to my ex and she was also very sad but understood that we had to break our contact. She is a very fine genuine caring person and understood my position. We had now broken contact, but I would compare this to a drug abuse. It went 2-3 weeks and then we were in contact again. The urge and need to get the chemicals in the brain was really like an drug addict. And I don’t know for how many times this happened. Right now we are still not in contact and I do think it will work this time. Last message from her was she was out dating again which is the right thing to do in her situation and honestly even if it breaks my heart this was the perfect message I could get to start disconnecting her from the brain.
    Now I have start living my life again putting my focus on my family where it should be. I will always have to live with if I did the right choice letting go of the love of my life that it was once. I have started KBT now to get through this and try to drown myself in work and exercise just taking one day at a time.

    So a few take aways at the end.
    If you don’t have the intention from the beginning to leave your wife don’t even consider to get in contact with someone who was the love of your life once. The paths are there in the brain and it only takes minutes, hours to get them well tramped and you feel amazing again.

    If you are both free and available it can be the most fantastic journey you set your foot on.

    Good luck to all

  • Wale

    August 28th, 2018 at 2:02 AM

    Very profound and lots of comments here. Thanks for all of them.
    I am here because of my wife of 5 years with 2 kids. Am looking for how to help her get out of a mess she is getting herself into. We have a nice marriage with great deal of trust. Once on my way home, she asked me to help pick up a gift sent by an old friend when we just had our 1st child. The gift was meant for our baby .I asked her on getting home about this old friend and she told me the exact person. She had mentioned this friend before when we talked about our past lives. I usually don’t probe much about the past. I strongly believe not to over deal with the past. Maybe that is the reason I easily get over anything I’ve had or had happened to me in the past.

    This old friend was her boyfriend back in high-school. His name is Yemi. There was no closure on their relationship as Yemi moved to another country while my wife was in the University without informing her. Yemi had sent the gift for our baby through his friend that came home on a visit. Yemi said he moved on because he figured at the time that my wife’s focus was somewhere else. I guessed she was focused on her education. My thought about that was if you love someone you discuss your issues and work it out in a way. Loving someone worth waiting for the person. So I concluded he didn’t really love her. That he didn’t get what he wanted (sex) as a young boy would want from a girl. My wife’s siblings knew Yemi as their sister’s boyfriend while in High-school and my wife knew some of his siblings too.

    My wife and I met about 4-5 years after her graduation, had a courtship of about 2 years and got married. I think there was no contact between my wife and her ex since he left her until after our marriage. Whatsapp mobile group chats became popular, her high-school set formed a group and I think they found each other on the group chats shortly after we got married. Yemi is still abroad.
    I found out about their private chats because we don’t hide our phones. We read their chats together once or twice. Yemi asked her about the kind of person and husband I am. My wife always shower accolades on me in their chats. The chats only made me a bit uncomfortable but I didn’t mind because am very liberal and never thought it could lead to anything as I thought my wife was tough with her emotions. I also like my wife to be free and I like not to be careful with my wife because that is the beauty of trust. You let them be because you trust they can’t stray kind of a thing. More so we love each other a lot and are strong in our faith as Christians. Their chats are also not regular. Could be several months apart. Or maybe they chat on another social media platform.

    I noticed Yemi always push my wife to discuss what they had. He said he loved my wife so much but she didn’t show him as much love then. That she counselled him to always be good in every way. That my wife was always the good and he the bad. He is married with a child who is a bit older than ours. I asked about his family and my wife told me they might be having a bit of strained relationship. We had our 2nd child a year and 8 months back. We also have a bit of strain in our finances lately. We had to move to a not so comfortable apartment.
    I put the kids to bed, bath them and feed them most times right from time. I help a great deal in the house. That’s how I grew up. I support her business in every way I could. I have been stressed a lot these days that it affected my sexual performance and work. I discussed this with my wife and assured her to work on myself. I have started to work out more and sleep more. I am a sales consultant, and graciously just got a senior level job last week. So we are going to go back to going out much more, short vacations and all the pouring of great gifts on my wife.
    I also assured her that we would move to another apartment in 3-4 months.

    But also about a week ago I found some chats of Yemi and my wife on Instagram. We still don’t keep our phones from each other. But I noticed lately that she wouldn’t want me use her phone for long. Yemi keeps pushing my wife and suggested they do a video chat but my wife refused saying “you don’t want to see me cry for you”. I was like wow! So it has got to the point where my wife could be emotionally down to the level of crying for what they had and how it ended. He said he love my wife and she responded saying “always”. I really don’t know what his intentions are. Maybe he’s trying to make her pay for those days that he showed more love but she suppressed hers. I don’t think sex was involved because my wife had told me about her first sex experience. But I suspected they had lots of passionate kisses and smooching. I pretended I didn’t see the chats because I want to see more and know what’s playing in their heads.
    My wife asked him at a point when he would be coming home because she would like them to discuss their separation face-to-face. He answered maybe next year. I have been feeling really bad and disappointed. At the same time I have been pouring lots of affections on her lately and asking her if there was anything she would like to discuss with me. To encourage her to talk, I once told her she looked worried and have lots on her mind but she would always says she’s was fine.
    3 days ago while my wife was trying to pick his call her phone unfortunately fell inside water and functioned abnormally. She told me she didn’t know what went wrong with the phone at first. I pretended I didn’t see the chats where she told Yemi exact thing that happened to her phone. I had to probe her a little the next day before she gave a bit of what happened to her phone. She didn’t say it expressly the way she told Yemi in their last chats. In all these I didn’t show how bad I felt. I instead showed her lots of love, kisses, soft words and made love to her.

    I want a good time to really sit her down and discuss all these and help her to see the danger in what she’s doing. She could hurt lots of people like our extended families, our friends and church. She’s really well loved by many. She is pretty, very kind and lively. Our 5th wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks and I am planning a nice weekend out for just the 2 of us. I think that would be a great time to discuss this. I even think I should tell her to inform Yemi that I want to talk with him and make him see that there is no need for all these and encourage him to face his family and make something good out of it. Thanks for your time. What do you think?

  • Marshan

    November 11th, 2018 at 12:08 AM

    Wale, I’m a bit late but I read your entire post. What’s happened since then? I’d have sat my wife down at a quiet time and simply ask her if she knew what she really wants. A lot of people want to have their cake and eat it too but don’t admit it, even to themselves.

  • Pamela

    December 8th, 2018 at 7:22 PM

    In my opinion when two people really love each other, they don’t need anybody who comes later in life and had a relationship long time ago. At least the marriage is no happy, and if they are not happy, why are they together?, everybody deserves to be happy in what ever way they want, nobody is perfect.

  • John

    December 10th, 2018 at 3:50 PM

    Pamela, What you say is undeniably true. A couple truly happy and devoted would not even answer a “Hi how are you” txt from a former lover… I know – she didn’t, she deleted my txt. She told me many years later. The other truism you mention is “if they are not happy, why are they still together”. There are millions of us and as many different reasons, but yes, everyone is responsible for their own (and has a right to) happiness. Just not sure about “at any cost”.

  • Marc

    February 22nd, 2019 at 4:59 PM

    This is a good one. I just today reached out to an old girlfriend from 30 years ago. Why? I don’t really know. It was a long time ago and even if we reconnected I doubt either of us would get back together. I saw her on a real estate site and simply reached out to say “hi”. Never heard back from her and I guess that is good. So sometimes you get a response you might want and sometimes you don’t. Anyway, either way, it is really intention isn’t it? If you are out to break up the relationship or have other intentions then perhaps it is better not to contact her. Cheers!

  • Audrey

    March 2nd, 2019 at 1:01 PM

    I got a message on a social media site from an old flame from 30 years ago. He & I are now in early 60s. He never mentioned a wife in all his texts & wore no ring when we had dinner & drinks. Fast forward, he texted me many times every day, bought dinner, gifts, told me he always loved me. I am a widow. We live in different stares. Found out he was married but by then we were involved. He called me his soul mate. We got along great, but I hated it & myself after each time, which was usually a business trip. I realize now that I was vulnerable & foolish to fall for his lies. The first few times were wonderful, like that affair fog. My guess is I’m not the first! His wife found out & he & she quickly blamed me. Do I miss him? No, because I realize it was all a lie. He’s a narcissistic jerk & his wife is in denial. If you are contacted by a married ex, RUN!!! He/shés looking for a hookup, & you will be the one hurt & embarassed. As to this MM, I hope he rots in hell for the damage he did to 2 women. I learned a lesson here even @ my age & I would NEVER be with a MM again!

  • Christina

    March 3rd, 2019 at 10:07 AM

    Thank you for your honest post. It really helped me.

  • Al-S-K

    March 3rd, 2019 at 3:28 PM

    I am still in contact by fb/ text with the lady and the pain is still present, although not as bad. The communication is much more of “hey, how are you… or haven’t heard from you in awhile …” and usually initiated by her. My marriage is comfortable, but there is just a routine about it. We’ve become friends at best. There is a deep concern and care for each other, but the romantic aspect doesn’t exist. I completely messed up years ago.

  • sheila

    August 12th, 2019 at 8:50 AM

    My husband came back to me after weeks of separation that almost led to divorce There was allot of difficulty to bring him back to our marriage vows. My husband cheats on me like he has fallen out of love with me.

  • sheila

    August 16th, 2019 at 5:33 PM

    My husband came back to me after weeks of separation that almost led to divorce There was allot of difficulty to bring him back to our marriage vows.

  • Tammy

    September 7th, 2019 at 10:30 AM

    I just found out that my husband connected with an old “friend” from 40 years ago. I think she was a serious girlfriend from high school. They are friends on facebook and have been messaging each other for about 2 months. They are messaging about non important stuff, seems like they are trying to get reacquainted. They ran into each other at the store about a month ago, I was there as well. I took off to shop and they continue to talk for about a half hour or so. I didn’t think anything of it. He said she was a friend from high school. In their facebook conversation they both made it quite clear that really enjoyed seeing each other again and would like another visit and include the spouses. (somehow I don’t believe that they want to include us). Last night, we were out and he got a message from her. I could tell because her picture popped up. I pretended that I didn’t know who it was and him who the message was from. He seemed nervous and said Nobody. It’s nothing. So now I’m concerned because he’s hiding it from me. I don’t think anything has happened yet, but I’m really uncomfortable with their messaging. I’ve decided to confront him with it before it does turn romantic. Any suggestions on how to approach this with him?

  • Jack

    October 22nd, 2019 at 4:38 AM

    Be straight up with him and nip the situation in the bud immediately! Be honest and truthful about your feelings on the situation. I’m going through some very tough times right now with my wife and an ex boyfriend of hers from 18 years ago. They began by reconnecting by phone a year ago and then she met up with him as part of a vacation she was on with her sister. She was up front and honest about everything with me and asked if I was ok with her meeting up with him. I decided that since it had been so long that I was ok with her visiting him for a few days. The last time she saw him was 18 years ago and our marriage is very strong. Boy was I totally wrong… The fire rekindled between them (or at least with her) and now I am going through some of the worst stress and anxiety of my life trying to hold together our marriage and family with 2 young kids.. She reassures me that she will never leave me, but I know how these things go….. eventually kids become of age to be on their own and then its “Bye-Bye, I know I said I would never leave you, but my feelings have changed, sorry”

    Best of luck with your situation.

  • Seywhut

    September 30th, 2019 at 10:48 AM

    It depends on what you are made of. Facebook was a Godsend and a trouble maker. It allowed us to reconnect with people we hadn’t seen or heard from in 30 years. This also includes past romances. My first love contacted me years ago. He is married now. Our teenage relationship was never consummated and we discussed that. It was interesting to see that both of us felt the same way back then but were too young in inexperienced to do anything about it. Sort of if we knew then what we know now. Never once did rekindling that relationship come to mind. When he was in town he stopped by for a swim. A perfect opportunity but you can’t allow those types of things from years past to creep back in. We gave each other a smooch but no infidelity was had. His husband was totally aware of our friendship and past. He was totally aware of the visit. I guess some people are wired differently and can cave in to temptation. We did not. My ex-husband and I still tip around with each other when neither of us in engaged in any relationship. We are still close friends. We know our limits. Some people that you’ve been with, you may feel more comfortable with that person in some aspects rather than your existing partner for whatever reason. Where I might be dating somebody, I’m still comfortable with my ex-husband and could call and say, “Can you come look at this rash on my ass?” LOL! You know. A silly reference but you get my point.
    Something you wouldn’t feel comfortable with a current partner. But it’s not going to lead to sex. We just know each other inside and out from being together for so many years. If you don’t let it run away with you then it isn’t an issue. However, your current relationship can feel very bitter toward your friendliness to your ex which can also be a big problem. Even though they are just a friend now, a controlling and manipulative person can tell you never to see them again. That’s a red flag! Time to walk away if that happens. It’s okay to be friends with ex loves – IF you are the type of person that can stick to boundaries. Now if your pants mysteriously fall off every time you see them – then no. As long as you are open with your current partner, spouse. As long as you are truthful and trustworthy. If you screw around, your new partner is gonna know. But then again, YOU can be a neurotic! “Who were you talking to? What did they want? What did you talk about? You were talking to so and so! I saw their picture pop up in the instant message. Why are you talking to them? Are you not happy with me anymore? Let me see your text messages! Do you like them better than you like me?” WHOAAAAA! Ease up!

  • Don

    April 26th, 2020 at 6:17 AM

    This is a very wise page and full of experienced lovers.
    Growing up I was overweight and had poor self esteem. I met my wife of 40 yrs through a co-worker and Im now 65 yrs old now, at 35 yrs old I was working in a good fast food chain and developed a relationship with a 25 yr old manager and had an afair up untill she married. I frequently think of her and the secret affair we had which we both knew would have to end to preserve my and her families. Four yrs ago my 21 yr old daughter had a severe infection and took her to the hospital and to my surprise my ex lover was a nurse in the wing which my daughter was being cared for. I did not know how to handle it but decided that I would keep to myself, not even say Hi and ignored her even though she looked great, I didnt know if she even recognized me though I think she did. I also felt she wouldnt be interested in talking to me about anything since I was 10 yrs older than her. I have never told my wife about this because it would end our marrage and I continue to keep it a secret. My 4 daughters are on there own now. I resently had strong thoughts about her and found Denise on FB and viewed her current family and she is a Nurse Practitioner now she is now 55 yrs old and is married a second time. I was considering sending her a PM on FB to explain my actions in the hospital and apologize for my rude behavior but I dont want to upset either her or my marriage. After reading articles here I have concluded that I should forget contacting her to continue to preserve our marriage’s. Thoughts?

  • John

    April 27th, 2020 at 7:05 AM

    Hi Don, trust your intuition, please put your Ex as far to the back of your mind as possible. If you were to meet, the magnets would probably snap together instantly. A fantastic but disastrous euphoria. You’re in each other’s mind every waking minute until it is again a full blown affair that will cause unimaginable heartbreak for all concerned. It is of course not love but lust and a self-perpetuating fantasy.
    Take a tip from one who knows, and resist.

  • Jeannie

    April 27th, 2020 at 3:35 PM

    Run, don’t walk! You were silly enough to have an affair while married. Don’t fool yourself that your wife wasn’t aware of something going on either. She will also be aware now that your thoughts are drifting away now. You will destroy two marriages – and for what? making yourself feel desired? Be a better man and put it completely out of your mind forever. Only disaster awaits there.

  • Minh

    August 8th, 2020 at 8:24 PM

    Lot’s of terrible advice here. I strongly suspect the advice to “never communicate, don’t go there” is more about material repercussions and fear of their loss more than anything else. “Oh if I cheat I’ll lose our house, or retirement, or the great place I live in today. We’ll really fight about money!”

    People hide behind these fears by talking about cheating or religious convictions. Consider this maybe your wife or husband wouldn’t care too much if you had a side fling? Reconnecting with an old flame is the thrill ride of lifetimes. If both people are into it. I suspect science will identify how healthy it is for the human brain. Look life is short and then you die so love one another as much as you can.

  • Jeannie

    August 9th, 2020 at 10:49 PM

    Good heavens Minh have you learned nothing from the messages here? It’s nothing to do with religion. It’s about loyalty and love and faithfulness. If you’re so sure your spouse would not care then tell them what you are doing. If they don’t kick you to the kerb, then go right ahead and have your fun. Your marriage wasn’t worth much anyway.

  • Steve

    September 2nd, 2020 at 2:04 PM

    Reconnecting with my old lover gave me the inspiration to open a business after so many years. Marriage was always the institution I imagined I would enter but life had other plans.
    The excitement and changes that my old friend and I saw in each other after decades of time were just as or more exciting than the actual physical contact. Two people who were once in the same place now describe their journey to someone who is with them once again. Everything is temporary but true love is always there over time and over distance. It will always be

  • Kathy

    November 11th, 2020 at 10:47 AM

    A married man I had not seen and who lives 6 hours away in 40 years, contacted me on Facebook. We corresponded for two years daily. He told me about his marriage and that because of his age and health (70) and assists, he could not afford a divorce. I saw him once. He was going to see me again last week on his way to hunt with his buddies for two weeks. He had a built in excuse that way. He came and broke off our love. Said he I had “cured him” of his lack of confidence over the months and could not figure out how to see me more often without his wife finding out and it’s too far to drive. He said, your life is down here and mine is 6 hours away. I said what about all of the I love you’s for me? How do you just stop? He said, “sorry if I miss represented myself”? I left the motel. And deleted him my messenger account. I feel awful and miss him but think I did the right thing. In the mean time my husband if on hospice.

  • Chris

    November 12th, 2020 at 6:28 PM

    I am proud of you. That was a good choice to delete him. It is ok you had feelings. He probably did too. It was not honorable to lead you on and claim misrepresentation. It sounds like you were his fantasy woman not his real life woman. A man visits the fantasy but usually especially when money and reputation are involved a man usually finds his way back to his wife. As she is emeshed in his financials, family, friends, and peer groups. It sounds like you helped him repair his ego but he sas careless about your feelings. He does not sound emotionally mature enough or invested in your well being enough. It is hard at the moment but it is better you found out sooner rather then later. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs from me to you. ❤ Also, I’m sorry you’re husband is in hospice. I know that is draining in many way.

  • Kathy

    November 13th, 2020 at 9:28 AM

    Thank you for your response. Careless about my feelings is putting it mildly. I know now that sexting me and leaving his phone out for his wife to find it was his way of getting her attention and dumping me at the same time. Not nice. Not the person I thought he was.

  • Kathy

    November 21st, 2020 at 8:44 PM

    Just an update. My husband died after two days in hospice. It’s hard. I sent a bride not to my lover. I told him, no hard feelings. I just want him to be happy and hoped he and his wife are working toward a better relationship. He replied and thank for my for my kind comments and that my husband was fortunate that I had taken such good care of him for so long. He said it’s time for me to do what I want and need now and that he’d like to hear how I am doing once n awhile. I won’t but it felt good to let him know no hard feeling even though I still hurt from his lack of empathy for my feelings.

  • Christina

    November 23rd, 2020 at 12:23 PM

    Thank you for your updates. I am sorry for your loss. It seems like you are being given a new start. I agree with the ideas of taking very good care of yourself and being extra kind to yourself. Eat tasty healthy foods, drink clean pure water, enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Give yourself space and time to process and heal. Be the hero of your own story. Your own champion and best friend. Research safe a d beautiful locations and take trips if possible. Connect with God’s love through Jesus Christ for you. Cut off toxic energy drainers regardless of who they are. Protect your energy and your light. Once you’re healing the guy might circle back and ask about you because he might sence you’re elevating your vibrational frequency to a higher level. Listen to motivational YouTube videos and be prepared for the just in case should he call and have your line of defense prepared. Are you familiar with light work and mentally cutting off the connection with people? Books like No More A**holes, and Fix that sh*t available on Amazon might be a breath of fresh air. Also Inner Intergration youtube channel may be a helpful resource as you work through everything.
    Sending you love, light, and healing hugs! :)

  • Kathy

    November 23rd, 2020 at 5:22 PM

    I am almost 77 and have advancing Parkinson’s disease. No trips. Having a tough time. Wish I was younger and no Parkinson’s. Would still like to tell him off but it felt better to wish him happyness.
    Thank you for your feedback. Doing the best I can.

  • Kathy

    December 6th, 2020 at 12:08 PM

    I want to thank Christina for her support. Through all the stress of late, my Parkinson’s disease has worsened so planning my future at age 77 is day by day.
    Your advise was taken to heart.
    Thank you.

  • Christina

    December 8th, 2020 at 10:39 AM

    Thank you for your kind replies. I apologize for not responding sooner. It brings me joy to know my comment was helpful. You are in my prayers ❤ I have found making time and space for self care and protecting my energy has been key. ❤
    All my best,

  • Kathy

    December 10th, 2020 at 11:55 AM

    I don’t plan to ever respond to my x lover again! I meant it when I wished him happyness and hoped thta he can repair his relationship with his wife, but he reminded me too much of passive aggressive narsisstic personality behavior to ever be tempted to respond should he contact me.
    In the mean time with no income coming in a a five month wait for survivor benefits, along with worsening Parkinson’s Disease, my plate is more than full.
    Thank you Christina.

  • Kathy

    December 17th, 2020 at 9:08 AM

    Christina, I have been falling allot from my Parkinson’s disease and staying home. Broke my wrist.
    My husband died, as well he was a passive aggressive covert narcissist. I think problem my friend I told you about who discarded me was one, too. So much time in the house but moving trying to understand my role, but my Parkinson’s disease is making it difficult.

    as a niece and a step daughter is in trouble, too. So I’m been reading and taking your suggestions to heart.

  • Kathy

    December 18th, 2020 at 9:20 PM

    I have been listening to Jake Ducey and I think today is the first day I am emotionally catching on. My Parkinson’s still drives me crazy, but I am defiantly finding some relief listening to tapes and videos. Thank you Christina.

  • Kathy

    January 4th, 2021 at 3:40 PM

    Update. My x lover told me that I am or was a kind friend. He said our relationship lasted too long and was to slow and that living six hours apart was a huge problem. My husband was dying so I could fly up to his house nor did he want me to in order to keep his wife from finding out, he said he could not find a reason to drive the six hours to where I live without raising suspicion to his wife. So instead,he create a sex text, left his phone out unlocked where she found it so he dumpted me siting that i I’ve down here, he lives up there. In the mean time my husband died., I liked just texting each other Dailey and talking about books he was reading,his cats and his huge garden. In the end, he said I was a “nice friend”. And one week before he next his phone out he said, “I had his love”. Dumb me, I believed him. He is hoping to live another 12 years and. Hoping his wife will take care of him as well and long as Indid my husband,

  • Amy

    April 5th, 2021 at 4:26 PM

    I was diagnosed of PARKINSON DISEASE six years ago, the medications I was given helped but my health was fast deteriorating. I was introduced to Mayaka Natural Clinic and their effective PD treatment protocol in February last year. I immediately started on the herbal treatment, it relieved my symptoms significantly. First month on the treatment, my tremors and muscle spasm mysterious stopped, had improvement walking. Since treatment, I have been symptom free and life is really good

  • Kathy

    April 6th, 2021 at 8:50 AM

    What is the product name? I don’t have tremors, My biggest problem is balance and handwriting. Thank you and good luck.

  • bj

    May 29th, 2021 at 2:23 AM

    I have an issue with my first love in high school has reached out to me just recently. I am divorced as of 7 years ago and he is still in a marriage of 37 years but separated from his wife. The problem is he expressed he has loved me since high school and wants a relationship with me, without divorce from his wife. I have always liked him, and had deep feelings for him, but I do not believe in committing adultery. He and I have been texting and talking on the phone for the past 4 months, but it is getting a little out of control as now he is now talking about having a sexual relationship. How do I break off this relationship without hurting his feelings?

  • Sophia

    May 29th, 2021 at 9:07 AM

    Who cares how this jerk feels? I hate to burst your bubble but people like this send countless texts to old friends hoping to get a nibble. Don’t bat an eyelash. Don’t respond. Let him find someone else to cheat with!

  • MB

    June 9th, 2021 at 12:43 AM

    I’ll try to be sensitive and say this gently, but…some of you really need to leave the past behind. You can look back fondly on good times you had with ex-partners, but please try to live in the PRESENT. It’s not healthy to keep pining over what could have been, years later. We all have those thoughts sometimes, but it’s better to focus on who you are now and be thankful for what you have.

    My husband occasionally mentions his girlfriend from high school that he hasn’t been in contact with since 1988. I’m not jealous of her (because there’s nothing to be jealous of, quite frankly). But I do believe it indicates a mentality of somebody who holds onto the past in an idealized and unrealistic way. She is not the cute blonde he rolled around with in the back of his car anymore…she is now an overweight, frumpy preacher’s wife in her fifties. I’m not being catty when I say that. It’s the truth. I’m sure she is a very nice person, but if we’re talking appearances and age? I would win. And I told him that in no uncertain terms. I’m 14 years younger, I’m prettier, I keep myself in shape, I’m faithful, I’m kind, I’m a very sexual woman with him, etc. So he would be crazy to reconnect with her. She’s just a fantasy, a memory from his past. I’m the present reality.

    And that goes back to what I stated above. Sometimes what we miss isn’t the person…it’s the memory of a time when life seemed simpler, not as complicated. Before we actually had to live in the real world with responsibilities and problems. And I understand, because growing up is difficult. We all wish for simpler times. But we also need to realize that some doors should never be opened again. Cherish what you once had, the memories, but don’t lose sight of what matters NOW…which is the family you have now and what you’ve worked hard to build. Think of the hurt your present partner will feel when they realize that you still want a relationship with your ex? That isn’t fair to anyone. No one wants to feel like you’ve “settled” for them.

    Also, my final point…what if you reconnect? What then? You not only risk hurting the person you married and/or children (if you have them). You can also end up with a broken heart again, or you can be disappointed when the fantasy no longer meets reality. Some of you will be surprised at the changes in these people when you finally see them again. The hot cheerleader you dated in high school? She might be 350 lbs. now…completely different from the girl she was. The guy who wrote you love letters and took your virginity all those years ago? He might be a loser now, not the dreamboat he was back then. So please consider what I’m saying. Fantasies are cute, they’re nice, but it’s time to wake up.

  • MB

    June 9th, 2021 at 1:14 AM

    @Angela…I’m so sorry for what your husband did to you. If he could throw away your marriage for this former girlfriend, he doesn’t deserve you.
    People need to stop being selfish all the time. We live in a society where it’s OK to hurt others, so we can make ourselves “happy”. This is not your fault, Angela. Your husband made a selfish choice, but it is not your fault. You sound like a good person and you can find real love again someday, with a person that isn’t obsessed with his ex.

  • MB

    June 9th, 2021 at 1:36 AM

    OK, so my first comment wasn’t approved, it seems. But I will write it again. Some doors are better left unopened. Sometimes we need to leave the past behind because it is the healthy, mature thing to do. It’s different if two people are both single with no kids or anything else…then by all means, reconnect! But if somebody is married or in a committed relationship, it’s a bad idea. It’s hurtful, selfish and disrespectful to the one you are with.

    My husband had a girlfriend who broke up with him in high school in 1988. Sometimes he still talks about her, as a way to make me jealous. I find it pathetic more than anything. I doubt that she’s thought about him in a long time. Also, she has changed since then (which is natural). She is not the cute blonde he rolled around with in the back of his truck at 16 anymore. She is now an overweight, frumpy, tired-looking mom of two and a preacher’s wife. I’m not being catty when I say that. It’s the truth. Time has not been kind to her. I’m sure she is a nice person, but she isn’t the girl she was in 1988.

    I am 14 years younger, much prettier, I keep myself in shape, and I’m a great wife to him. Not to toot my own horn, but…this woman can’t compete with me. And I’m sure she wouldn’t want to because her life is different. So he would be crazy to reconnect with her or to entertain fantasies when he has a reality that most men would love to have! A hot brunette wife (who looks Latina or Italian) with a fit body, a pretty face, sensuality, empathy, etc. Not too many smart guys would trade that in for a poorly aging ex-girlfriend who dumped them years ago…just sayin’.

  • bj

    June 12th, 2021 at 9:08 PM

    Thank you very much for your comment, and I totally agree with you

  • MB

    June 15th, 2021 at 12:01 AM

    Oh, and if anyone thinks my comments were unkind…that wasn’t my intention. I’m just saying (for the married folks here) to please think how your husband or wife might feel, if they knew that you still want your ex from years ago. It really hurts. Not to mention that it has caused some insecurity because I love him. I don’t want anybody else. Lots of men stare at me, some hit on me, but I’ve been faithful to him since we met back in 2007.

    So it hurts to not be appreciated, and to feel like somewhere deep down, he still has some type of feelings for this high school girlfriend he had. On some level I understand it…she was the first girl he ever dated, and he had some of his first sexual experiences with her when they were teenagers. Sometimes we confuse that with “love” when we are young. I mean no disrespect to anyone, I’m simply being blunt. This girl broke up with him 32 years ago. Since then, he dated other women and was even engaged to one other at some point. So I’m not sure why she would even still be on his mind. She wasn’t attractive even as a teenager…she was just a so-called “Christian” girl who he engaged in some heavy petting with. I could maybe understand if he felt this way about two of his other ex-girlfriends. One was a model, while the other was a sweet and intelligent woman (her name was Jeannette). But what I don’t understand is this high school girlfriend, what it is about her. I just don’t see it.
    After all, I was deeply in love with my high school boyfriend, but I matured and got over that in time. It wasn’t meant to be and I accepted that. There’s no way that I would want my husband to feel like he is being compared to other men…whether it’s somebody I dated in the past, had sex with, or even strangers. If your marriage makes you unhappy…learn to talk to your spouse! Communicate. But don’t hook up with an ex-partner behind their back or make your spouse feel like crap, like they won’t live up to your fantasies.

    I told him the other day that he needs to wake up and realize what he has…a wife who stands by him, who treats him well, who is beautiful inside and out, even if he doesn’t always see that. I also remember that at one point in our relationship (may have been before we married) his high school reunion took place. He debated whether or not he should attend. Then this look came over his face when he mentioned that his ex from high school might be there, and that he wanted to see her. At the time, it didn’t bother me. But now it does…because although he married me and not her, it was disrespectful of him to have said that. What could possibly come from that? As I said before, we all have an ex somewhere in the past. We can look at it as part of what shaped us into who we are, but don’t dwell on it, especially if you are now married and your life is not the same anymore.

  • MB

    June 15th, 2021 at 12:38 AM

    Also, I do have my faults like everybody else does. I’m not perfect…but I do love my husband very much, and I accept his faults as well. So to feel like I am being compared with other women (one of them being an ex-girlfriend from 32 years ago!) is a blow to a woman’s self-esteem. From what I can see, she is no better than me in any way. It’s strange as heck. I’m starting to feel like maybe he doesn’t love me (although he says he does). I feel like he doesn’t think I’m pretty enough, he seems to always look for flaws in my appearance, he acts distant sometimes, and it’s just weird.
    The ex-girlfriend lives in another state and they haven’t spoken in years (as far as I know). She is not somebody that I would typically feel insecure about. My husband can also be very critical of women’s looks and behaviors…so his possible lingering attraction to her makes no sense. Not putting her down, just saying that this is not the type of woman that most men fantasize about. I saw her high school pictures and she was no beauty then, either. Maybe she had other qualities though, I don’t know. I just find it weird.

  • MB

    June 18th, 2021 at 8:33 AM

    @Brad…to answer your question (although you asked it several years ago) the answer to that would be “no”. You can cherish the memories of good times you had, but there is no point in reconnecting with an ex-partner if you are married, or if that person is married.

    Like I said, it shows disrespect to your spouse and/or children. It’s better to focus on what you have now, and be thankful for that. We can learn a lot from past relationships, but the present reality is what matters now. We have to create new memories that we can also cherish, rather than looking back at people who are no longer in our lives to fill that void. Revisiting the past with an ex (no matter how strong your present marriage may be now) is a bad idea. Your partner/spouse deserves your focus, not an ex from years ago.

  • Lan Bui

    June 26th, 2021 at 12:39 PM

    Love is something wonderful. This includes those hopeless (sarcasm) romantics that still have love for that someone special. Any kind of love is wonderful. You don’t give love to get something back anyway. So tell that old flame, lover, acquaintaince that you love them and you can’t blame them if they don’t feel the same way. You can let them go and love them from far away.

  • MB

    July 4th, 2021 at 8:27 PM

    @AF…my apologies for my late comment, but I agree with you! It seems that for some people, they see it as a return to what’s familiar. Memories of a distant past can provide comfort and nostalgia. It’s hard to grow older sometimes. Change can be painful and sometimes we look to the past. So I understand that part of it.
    But you’re right, life is not a Hollywood romance. Some “lost loves” can find their way back to one another and it can be wonderful…but real life rarely works that way. Reality is often complicated and it’s not wise to seek out relationships from 15, 20, 30 years ago. So much can change in a matter of time. Not always for the better, either. I know another guy who still missed his ex-girlfriend from high school. She was a very attractive girl back then…but when he saw her again years later, it was sad. She had lost nearly all her teeth and was addicted to crack cocaine. Not the same person he remembered, which was a harsh reality for him. He still cares for her on some level but is thankful for his wife and kids.

  • SomeDumbGuY

    September 24th, 2021 at 2:15 PM

    Gosh! Being 50 years old and meeting my middle-age hasn’t been easy! Looks like I’m not the only person who’s had to deal with this…….thing. Yeah, moved back to my old home town i grew up in….i’m married now, no kids.
    Old girlfriend bump-in. This one is much different than all the others, we…….had to make a choice at such an early age, it tore us up and apart. I haven’t seen her until now……….I’ve carried this regret for a very long time and it kept me from ever being a father myself. (It’s ok…….really, I’m learned to live on……I surf big waves.) First thing, I had to let her know who I was. It shocked her when I told her and that I had one thing to tell her, and that was “I am Sorry.”
    We talked….I couldn’t ever talk about this to anyone else but her. I think she was shocked cuz she never kissed like this even back when we were teenagers! We apologized for acting like that, laughed, cried….past and present.
    Yeah, sounds like everything went good……we ain’t going to do anything stupid, more than what we’ve already done. But it was closure and it took two.

    Now, that said…………MB. Wow!!!! Chill out, girl. I bet a 30-minurte talk with you would show you where “YOU’RE” the problem.
    I’m sorry, honey…….you can’t see the forest cuz all those damn trees are in ‘your’ way…….how dare them!!!

  • MB

    September 26th, 2021 at 4:28 PM

    To SomeDumbGuy…your name suits you! You don’t freaking know me, idiot. It’s not your place to attack a complete stranger that never said anything to you in the first place.

  • MB

    September 26th, 2021 at 4:30 PM

    Also, I didn’t come on here to fight or to be judged. I wanted to share my pain at MY situation. So no thanks for your advice, “honey”.

  • MB

    September 26th, 2021 at 4:33 PM

    You don’t know me or my husband, so maybe you should deal with your own issues before trying to put me down. Thanks, have a nice day!

  • MB

    September 26th, 2021 at 6:26 PM

    You know what…I’ve had time to cool down, so I apologize for my reaction. I still stand by my statement about you not knowing me, therefore you shouldn’t judge and tell me that I’m the problem.
    I am a person who is hurt because her husband still loves an ex-girlfriend and no, I am NOT the problem. I love my husband with all my heart. I show him that on a daily basis. So please try to have some empathy for the hurt and confusion that is felt, and don’t assume that I am mean to my husband or not treating him well. That’s just not true.
    I apologize for calling you names, but it was the heat of the moment. I was hurt and angry that a stranger passed judgment on a person they don’t know and a situation they don’t understand. I won’t judge you on your situation with your former flame, so please don’t put me down for the way I feel. I have nobody else to talk to about this.

  • MB

    September 27th, 2021 at 5:07 AM

    Maybe stick to commenting on your own situation and stop trying to tell me I’m the problem when you don’t know me at all.

  • Sleepless in RI

    October 24th, 2021 at 11:02 PM

    These comments have been interesting to say the least! Almost 30 years ago during my sophomore year of college, I met this woman the first week of school and she took to me more than I took to her for some reason. We ended up dating for about a month, but I paid more attention to her roommate and other women than to her. We fooled around but never made love. A year later I met my future wife who I just celebrated 25 years of marriage with. I still love her, but physically nothing is there anymore.

    About 8 years ago my ex sends me a friend request and we sent a few messages to each other. Now I’m seeing what I missed back then. She has great legs and a beautiful smile. I think what a fool I was for not paying her the attention she deserved back then. Suddenly, with no rhyme or reason she had deleted me from her friends list, but didn’t block me. I still see her pictures and fantasize about what I would do with one more night together.

    Part of me wants to reach out to her again. I wouldn’t come on too strong, I simply feel the need to apologize for not being a very good boyfriend back then. I also never got to say goodbye to her properly. She lives about 700 miles away from me now, and while I don’t imagine a physical reunion in the near future, I would certainly be game if she was willing. I forgot to mention she’s married with no kids as well.

  • Jeannie

    October 25th, 2021 at 2:40 PM

    You’re being an idiot, and very immature. This is not high school and she doesn’t actually want you. She’s just enjoying the game. All this mooning over something that can’t happen is pathetic, and it’s hurting your wife, who knows even if she’s not sure of what she knows. We’re not stupid and we know when our partner’s attention is drifting elsewhere. Grow up. Reignite your marriage with some work and attention and stop making a fool of yourself.

  • Sleepless in RI

    October 26th, 2021 at 2:09 PM

    Maybe you misunderstood or I wasn’t clear enough in my original posting: I am not looking for an affair, physical or emotional with this woman. Yes I sometimes will fantasize about “what could have been” but I know it probably wouldn’t have lasted in the end. What I was simply inquiring about is if it makes sense to reach out to my long ago ex one more time. I’m wondering if by doing so and apologizing for my bad behavior and not saying goodbye when she abruptly left school all those years ago will give me closure.

  • MB

    October 26th, 2021 at 7:08 PM

    I agree with Jeannie. I know my words above were harsh when I posted a while back, but I was hurt. It was never my intent to disrespect anyone…just to show the other side of what it feels like. Cheating (or wanting to cheat) is not the answer to problems in a marriage. My husband agreed to counseling with me and we have been talking about it more openly. He admitted that it’s a midlife crisis and the pressures of his job. On my part, I’m trying to listen more and understand how he feels. I want to be supportive and not place blame or take it personally.
    But I still think that contacting an ex (or them contacting you) can lead to trouble. Not always (depends on the situation) but just a word of caution.

  • VC

    November 19th, 2021 at 2:35 PM

    Finding this site has been a godsend for me. I met my FL back in 1973 when we were 19 and 18. We had an amazing 2 and a half years together and were each other’s first for everything. But as is all too common with a first love, eventually we realized we weren’t meant to be together for life and parted ways. In 1977 I married my DH and we have been happily married since then. I never forgot my FL but now, all of a sudden, 45 years later, thoughts of my FL have come flooding back and have been consuming me relentlessly. Recently stumbling upon the song “Long Lost” by Lord Huron didn’t help anything either. My FL and I have had zero contact all these years. For some reason that I just can’t explain, I am all of a sudden wanting to know something, anything about him; how he’s doing, what he’s done with his life, etc. So to that end for the past few months I’ve been searching for any info online about him but I’m finding the guy has no internet presence whatsoever. It really bothers me now that I don’t know ANYTHING about the very person who at one time was above all to me.
    But, after finding this site, I’ve come to realize that perhaps I continue to be lucky. I’m very lucky that I had a good first love experience with my FL. I’m very lucky that I have a good husband and marriage. And maybe I’m lucky after all that I can’t find out anything about my FL.
    Ever since I found this site and have been reading all theses comments, I have now decided to stop my thus far futile search for my FL. I thank many posters on here for your wise words. Of course I have no idea if my FL even remembers who I am but some part of me thinks that if I ever found him it would go the same route as many other posters. Only just wanting an update about each other at first and then eventually bulldozing over anything in our path to be together.
    Thank you especially to Hanna, Maura, Sarah, So Confused, AF, Jebus, John, Jack, Colin, Motley, Ozzygirl, Chris. A lot of your comments really resonated with me.
    Peace and love to all who are somehow “tormented” with the good memories of their first love. As I am.

  • Robin

    November 19th, 2021 at 4:28 PM

    You did the right thing. You will always have memories , good and bad. Some waters are best not to tread. It could ruin the beautiful life you have in the present! Best wishes!

  • Vc

    November 24th, 2021 at 8:05 AM

    Thank you, Robin. I know you are right. It’s not easy letting go although I thought I definitely had. I am absolutely haunted by his memory. I think what bothers me most of all is that I feel I didn’t appreciate at the time what a good person he was (and hopefully still is). I have since come to realize that far too many girls are mistreated by their partners. My FL was very good to me and I was too young to understand how very lucky I was. Regret is a very powerful emotion. So much I would tell him if I could.
    I don’t remember where I saw this but it’s absolutely true: “But the first one will be with you for the rest of your life. Be kind with them, as much in the time of saying goodbye as when saying “I love you” because the moment you say goodbye will stay with you as much as the loving hugs.”

  • Susan

    February 11th, 2022 at 12:21 AM

    I am so sick of hearing “don’t do it”
    Not EVERYONE is happily married and not EVERYONE cheats.
    Sometimes old love conquers all.
    The divorce rate in America is not high for nothing.
    I’d love to hear from people who got in touch successfully.

  • Sleepless in RI.

    February 11th, 2022 at 11:34 PM

    I have a follow up to my post from several months ago. I did send a message to my ex from many years ago. She was glad to hear from me but did acknowledge that what I did hurt her self confidence for some time afterward. I offered to go into more detail, but I got a feeling that it wasn’t necessary. We did agree to further keep in touch.

    I’m glad that I decided to go through with contacting my ex again. We did part on good terms way back when so that helped. I also came to find out that she now lives in Alaska which I did not know. Knowing there’s about 4000 miles in between us also further diminishes any physical reunion in the near future. That’s a good thing as far as closure goes. Thanks to everyone for their advice even though I mostly went a different route than what most of it suggested.

  • ThatGuy

    June 1st, 2022 at 1:10 AM

    During the pandemic and newly retired, I filled some time by organizing old photos and looking up some old peers, flames and friends. I became a bit more nostalgic than I should have, and one night I reached out (via FB) to a ex-girlfriend/fiance of more than 30 years ago. The intent was to share some of that nostalgia and nothing inappropriate was said. I REGRET IT! I’m happily married for 30 years now. The ex is angrily divorced after what must have been a 25 year marriage. The only substance I learned from her reply is that her divorce was most un-civil. She never asked about me, my career, marriage or children. So, though we were engaged for a short time, obviously I don’t hold much in her memory. Looking over her FB page, I am convinced I dodged a bullet by never marrying her. We really would not have much in common now and her issues I’d worried about have manifested. So, why do I regret reaching out to her? Because I put my good marriage at risk and gave my wife a reason to be suspicious. All for nothing. We live in the same greater metro area and I now fear running into her. It will be so awkward. The good thing is…if I haven’t ran into her in 30+ years, I probably won’t in the future.

  • SSR

    June 17th, 2022 at 5:52 PM

    I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself at all. So long as you were not meeting up at hotels, getting physical, or exchanging suggestive messages, I would say you did nothing wrong in my opinion. I would simply say to my wife she has nothing to worry about. If you have had a good relationship to this point, trust shouldn’t be an issue.

    I have an ex girlfriend who lives not far from me(maybe 40 miles at the most), who I found out recently was divorced. We haven’t talked in a few years, and since she has some baggage I know better than to contact her. At least you can say that you have closure on that relationship.

  • Newman

    August 15th, 2022 at 5:05 PM

    This site and all the comments are awesome and helpful! I am in my 50s and lately I have nostalgic feelings and regret for my former college girlfriend from 29 years ago and at times it consumes me in my daydreaming. I am married now for 27 years and I see from facebook she is married for a long time. I keep thinking about “what if I tried harder to save the relationship?” My story is like everyone else… We were together 2.5 years during college and she broke up with me 2 months before I graduated, she had one year remaining in college. I did not want to break up, but in reality I did not try “too hard” to keep it are relationship together either. I was young and distracted and scared about my future. 2 weeks before I graduated we did get together and had dinner and I thought we could start the relationship again, but a few days later when I went to get my TV from her apartment, she yelled at me for something she found out about a hookup I did with another college girl after we broke up and that I was acting out-of-character. I was hurt, she was hurt and I had to leave town in the next 2 days after graduation and I so much planning and prep for moving to my first professional job that was 350 miles away. About a month later, I got a letter from her but then I found out things she did before my graduation and I was hurt. We talked on the phone a little later, but that was it! I never felt like fighting for it or trying harder, but looking back at it I would have tried one more time, and lately I am obsessing about it…. what if I had been the man I am today and not scared, not fearful to go drive the 350 miles and see her in person and deeply talk one more time to either restart the relationship, or get a final closure between us. I have wanted to contact her lately, but the stories on this site have helped me to stay silent and help deal with my nostalgia and regrets and appreciate the blessings I currently have in my life. Thanks to all.

  • Nancy

    October 28th, 2022 at 10:53 AM

    I am 62 and I met up with an old flame I was in love with 30 years ago. Like an idiot, I ruined my chance to spend my life with a great guy (I’ll call him Chris) because I was a party girl and I was more concerned with what my fake friends thought than listening to my heart. When we met at our workplace, he was 29 and I was 32 and instantly drawn to him. I never thought I could win somebody like him, sweet, funny, nice,cute and everything. Except there a lot of other ladies who expressed an interest in him and my fake friends told there was no way I would be able to hold on to him. I was the plain Jane with B-cups and a big nose that turned bright red when I drank and compared to the other girls chasing him I felt ugly. I ended up sabotaging the relationship because I thought I would get hurt in the end. Except I was the one who hurt him. He told me loved me and I laughed in his face. I started throwing myself at the bad-boys who I worked with, thinking they would be the answer for a relationship and I used to flaunt them in front of Chris to show him I moved on. Except in every case I got used and dumped. Two years later when I was 34 and single and the clock ticking, I found out that Chris was still in love with me. Deep down I really did love him in spite of the way I treated him. Again I acted that way because I thought he would hurt me by dumping me but he was the only one who seemed to truly care about me. My real friends were trying to persuade him to ask me about again and give me another chance. I was going to say yes but I ruined that too. One night I was at a local pub and one of the hottest guys at the work place sat down with me and after a few drinks one thing led to another. I found out the next day that Chris was going to ask me out that night, but he heard what happened with me and he tossed the towel on us for good. For about two months I thought well, I have a super hot guy that I am dating at least until I found out that he was using me. He already had a serious gf who was often out of town for business trips and just penciled me in when the gf was away.

    Eventually Chris got married and I was crushed because I knew that should have been me but I was an idiot. I continued down the path of self destruction by starting to have affairs with married men because the single guys at work were not interested. Then one guy I was involved with got me pregnant. That led to his wife finding out and divorcing him. We eventually got married, but it was far from the wedding I always dreamed about having in a church. We had a justice of the peace do a ceremony in our backyard with just close friends and family. My husband didn’t want another big wedding “been there done that” was his excuse. Over the past 20+ years we had one more child but our marriage has not been ideal. He says he loves me, but he’s cheated on me twice. If not for the kids I would have divorced him, but now they are grown and out of the house now finishing college. Now I won’t leave because I know I’ll be alone for the rest of my life and I can’t do that.

    Several years ago I looked up Chris on Facebook and sent him a friend request which he responded to, but we never really talked. I saw the photos of him and his family, his beautiful wife and kids. I can see how successful he became. I am filled with the deepest regrets looking back. I got to the point I was avoiding facebook because I always had the urge to see what Chris had posted and there was something new with him and his wife. Even after all these years I felt sick to my stomach knowing what I gave up. Then last summer Chris was on a business trip to Chicago which is near where I live. I decided to reach out and hope he would want to meet up with me and he did. I wanted to apologize to him and tell him I was sorry how I treated him all those years ago. We met up for lunch and when I saw him, my first instinct was to throw my arms around him and hug him. Chris looked like he had barely aged in 30 years where I put on the extra pounds. We sat in a restaurant and talked for almost 3 hours before he had to leave. As we talked, he sat there and smiled at me and he never took his eyes off of me. I felt like the universe had shrunk down to our little booth and it was just the two of us. The way he looked at me I felt like he still had some feelings for me which I did not deserve. He was kind and not once mentioned anything about how badly I treated him, so I never apologized. After we parted ways, I drove home and when I got in my driveway, I sat in my car and cried because of what I gave up. He looked so incredible after all these years and he’s a success and is happy. I’m stuck in a semi-functioning marriage with a husband whose feelings for me always seem to be lukewarm.

    Later Chris sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he had a great time seeing me and thought I still looked great. I replied and told him the same thing. I told him if he was ever in the Chicago area again to contact me and he said he would. A part of me hopes he does and a part of me hopes he doesn’t. The regrets of throwing him away will haunt me till the day I die and seeing him again will just make me regret it more. I might throw myself at him, but I think I would end up being rejected and I would feel even worse. I wish I had found this blog before I reached out to Chris. If I had and read the comments, I might have not tried to contact him to meet up with me, no matter how innocent it was.

  • moslty

    December 8th, 2022 at 1:40 PM

    hello nancy

  • Russ S

    March 12th, 2023 at 7:31 PM

    We never broke up – we were both exchange students and we had to return home.
    We’re both single now, but so many years have passed. I still miss her terribly.
    Sometimes pain never goes away.

  • Xénos

    August 15th, 2023 at 12:09 AM

    Two years ago, we reconnected after more than 40 years. Both of us are divorced with grown, married children and no complications to mention. We were very much in love, but never smothered each other. It was a tender and intense, but remained pure. We were quite physical, but never consummated.

    Now, we live more than 5,000 miles apart, but the distance means nothing. When we speak with each other or write, we are open, honest and hold nothing back, much like our relationship was over 40 years ago. We are strong spirits that do not focus on the past or the future. Our discourse is always in the present moment.

    Either one of us can pack out bags to be together, since we are not held back by lack of finances, but we are enjoying the depth of our conversations with no holds barred. Both of us are more inclined to sharing our hearts and souls, the intellect ruling over the physical. We have both aged and not very gracefully to be honest, but our core beliefs and feelings toward one another have not changed. The first time we spoke, it was as if no time had passed and picked up where we left off without missing a beat.

    We have a connection of spirit that transcends time and space. We think very much alike and revel in the fact that we do not have to explain anything to each other – we say what we mean and have an understanding of one another, that remains unmatched. That is where our love was born so many decades ago and remains the very fabric that will keep us together for as long as we both shall live.

    More than likely, I will be the one to make the 5,000 mile journey, only because where they live is simply a better place and a place I prefer.

    Love is not complicated. It is pure and simple. People complicate love by erecting barriers and setting up rules. Love has no rules – it is free and the greatest freedom in life is to love freely without deceit, without the slightest machination and to allow love to be the sole guide of your actions.

  • Nancy

    August 18th, 2023 at 2:33 AM

    I posted my story last year in 2022 and I have an update which I would like to share.

    TLDR, there was Chris, the man I fell in love with 30 years ago but stupidly self-sabotaged any chance of spending my life with. I treated him like dirt because I listened to horrible friends who said I could do better, but that’s because they were bitter about having no man in their life so they couldn’t stand to see a plain jane like me with an incredible guy. Then when I fell in with new friends who showed me how lucky I was that Chris loved me, I still couldn’t get out of my own way in getting used by the bad boys that I had a thing for. Chris didn’t want any more heartbreak from me, so he moved on and found somebody and got married. I got married too, but only after breaking up a marriage by getting pregnant and waiting a bunch of years for a backyard wedding. Chris has had a great life since then, mine has not been what I dreamed it would be when I was young and single. My marriage has been far from ideal, my husband cheated on me twice over the years, but I stayed with him for the sake of our children.

    Last year I saw Chris for the first time in 30 years and he looked great, just about as great as he did when I last saw him. I put on about 50 pounds. I wanted to apologize to him for the way I treated him, but the conversation we had was so good I didn’t want to spoil it by bringing up bad memories. We left with him saying he would let me know if he was in the Chicago area again for business and try to meet up. When I got home afterward, I cried, kicking myself even harder now because of what I lost out on.

    For weeks after seeing Chris I was in the fog, dreaming of us maybe getting back together, but the fog quickly dissapated as I had not heard from him. I saw his social media posts of him and his family doing wonderful things together and realized there was not going to be a forever reunion for us. I started some things to rebuild my self esteem and even made an effort to make my marriage better. We did some counselling and my husband was more attentive to me, but it has been fading over the past couple of months.

    In the middle of July, Chris was again in the Chicago area for a business trip and contacted me to let me know that he was going to be in town. I fought with myself about seeing him. I’ve gained at least another 15-20 pounds since last year and I did not want him to see me like this. I tried to make excuses, but I eventually gave in and agreed to meet him for lunch again. Like last year, when I saw him I started kicking myself again because he has barely aged and now he had bulked up a bit. I always thought he had a nice body, but it was clear he was working out and a lot since I saw him last year. This was in the parking lot, we hadn’t even gone inside the restuarant yet.

    I couldn’t stop staring and asked him if he had been working out becaus his muscles were so, so much bigger. He said he had been working out because if we saw each other only one more time, he wanted to leave a good image of himself for me. I didn’t understand what he meant by that. Chris told me that he was flattered that I thought he looked good, but he thought he could look better. So he said I inspired him to work harder to look better!

    I was speechless and didn’t know what to say. I finally told him I was sorry and he asked what for. I told him that I was sorry for the way I treated him when we were younger and I finally confessed to him that I loved him, I loved him for the past 30 years and thought about him all the time. I started crying. He hugged me, he told me that he never stopped loving me and always prayed that I would be happy, even after he moved on from me.

    I cried more, I told him not to tell me that because it just made me even sadder. We went back to his car, sat inside and talked for about 20 minutes. I cried, he got some tears in his eyes, told me I was the one he wanted to spend his life with, but it just didn’t work out. We confessed our love for each other, but we mutually agreed that this would be our last meeting. I knew he would never leave his family for me and as much as my marriage is eh, I would stand by the vow I took, regardless that my husband cheated on me in the past.

    The past few weeks have been rough, but they are getting better and I feel some closure finally. I know I screwed up a great thing, but I won’t dwell on it anymore. I convinced my husband to go back to counseling again and really, really work harder this time around. For anybody out there going through a similar story, I wish you all the best.

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