8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner

Couple sit on opposite ends of bench, looking away from each otherShakyamuni (also known as Siddhartha Gautama) said, “Do not return anger with anger; instead, control your emotions. That is what is meant by diligence.”

As you may have painfully discovered, anger can be detrimental to relationships. An angry partner’s negative attitude and behaviors can drain your energy, leave you feeling frustrated and unheard, and undermine not only your well-being but the health of the partnership. However, if you are able to deal skillfully with an angry partner, your relationship may transform dramatically. Here are some effective strategies for dealing with an angry partner.

1. De-escalate and Neutralize Emotionality

When you try to control an angry partner, they may become defensive and more uncooperative. It is unwise to get angry in response to a partner’s anger; better to let the other person be angry and recognize they will eventually calm down. The calmer you remain, the quicker their anger may subside.

In this way, you de-escalate the situation. The ultimate goal of de-escalation is to lessen emotional intensity and redirect animosity toward increased cooperation.

2. Be Assertive and Respectful

Acting assertively is the process of taking a position in which you are able to express your wants directly and respectfully while considering your partner’s feelings and wants as well. When you act and speak in an assertively respectful manner, you are confident, honest, and open. At the same time, by being assertive, you empower your partner to take their share of responsibility.

3. Communicate Constructively, Understand, and Validate

People often act in an angry way because they think they are not being heard, not being taken seriously, or not being appreciated. They may feel disappointed and ignored.

To avoid inflaming your partner’s anger, it is wise to actively listen to them until you are sure they feel heard and understood. Go beneath the surface and try to understand their deepest needs, and validate their feelings and experiences. Validation is one way we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. Rather, it is recognizing and considering your partner’s perspective. The key to validation is being present and genuinely attempting to understand. It is listening to your partner as well as to your internal experience, staying with it rather than pushing it away or avoiding it. The other part of validation is accurately reflecting what you hear—for example, “What I hear you saying is ______. Is that correct?” This should be done without assumption or judgment while being clear, calm, and compassionate.

4. Practice Patience and Compassion

Beneath anger typically lies deeper and more vulnerable emotions such as fear, sadness, or pain, which may be less accessible for your partner to address. For a short period, anger serves as a protective shield and makes your partner feel powerful and in control. Yet, in the long run, it hurts them from within. This is why it is important to have compassion toward your partner and move away from blame and accusation.

Patience can serves as the antidote to anger within yourself as well as your partner. It entails being wise at the moment anger arises. It is about waiting—not speaking or doing anything that may be automatic or reactive. Patience and compassion are the foundations of positive energy and cooperation among people.

5. Pick Your Battles and Think Long-Term

The phrase “pick your battles” doesn’t apply only to military combat; it is also relevant to relationships with angry partners. Military leaders may be willing to lose some fights so they can “win the war.” They generally don’t waste resources and energy on the ones they can’t win. In the same manner, because individuals have different beliefs, opinions, preferences, and expectations, relationships can be a battlefield of sorts where exercising restraint is at times a wise strategy.

The phrase “pick your battles” doesn’t apply only to military combat; it is also relevant to relationships with angry partners.

If you want to, you can find an abundance of topics about which to argue with your partner. However, it would be to your benefit to be selective, letting go of that which matters least. Remember, it’s neither sensible nor practical to fight over every difference you have. You may win the argument, but ultimately your relationship may be weakened.

6. Reflect on Your Actions and Understand the Triggers

To be responsible is to accept your role in being frustrated with an angry partner and reflecting on what actions may trigger their anger. It also means understanding what triggers you to behave the way you do. The more aware you become, the less reactive and more constructive you may become. The result may be greater well-being for you, your partner, and your relationship.

If you realize you played a role in escalating an argument, be responsible and acknowledge your part. Your ownership may reduce tension and encourage your partner to take ownership as well.

7. Address Your Challenge When Your Partner Is Calm

When your partner’s emotional state is highly charged, their cognitive state may be impaired. There is little point in addressing your issue as long as the anger dominates. Allow time for the negative energy to settle to establish more rational discussion.

When both of you are calm and collected, address the issue that led to your partner’s angry behavior. At this time, they may be more open to listening and understanding. Also, don’t forget to apply this rule to yourself. When your emotional or angry parts are activated, take time to calm yourself. Anger fuels anger, and calming promotes a calmer atmosphere.

8. Think Influence, Not Control

Don’t focus on trying to change your partner. You can’t. You can, however, influence your partner and show them the benefits of your position. You can influence your partner by creating a positive environment that is conducive to cooperation rather than control.

You may have heard the expression, “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” When you treat your partner with sweetness, you may bring them closer to you—and closer to understanding how you feel and why you feel that way. This may increase your chances of productive outcomes.

If you apply the above strategies, you may be astonished to see how much the energy between you and your partner transforms and your relationship flourishes.

© Copyright 2016 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Moshe Ratson, MBA, MS, LMFT, therapist in New York City, New York

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Ayden

    Ayden

    December 6th, 2016 at 11:32 AM

    I really have to give him some time to cool off which usually works out pretty well because even though I don’t ever think that I need that time as much as he does, I am thinking that in my own way I probably do.
    The time that we spend apart during that little cooling off period probably keeps both of us from saying something that in the end we would regret.

  • jeremiah

    jeremiah

    December 7th, 2016 at 7:38 AM

    You do at a certain point though stand your ground and make sure that your partner knows that you are simply giving them time, not that you are backing down from this argument which might actually be a pretty significant thing to you.

  • Craig H

    Craig H

    December 7th, 2016 at 9:41 AM

    I always feel like this is all about her wanting to be in control of the situation, not allowing me to be free to be who I am and wanting to dictate to me what I can or can’t do.

    This one thing alone always makes me feel so angry, not because I don’t love her and don’t want to be with her, but we all like to be able to keep some semblance of independence even when we are a part of a couple.

  • carrie anne

    carrie anne

    December 7th, 2016 at 2:58 PM

    Just try not to make them mad

  • Kayla

    Kayla

    October 21st, 2018 at 8:44 AM

    This article offers some insight into why people may be chronically angry and resentful, but the advice to basically “walk on eggshells” is unhealthy. It is not anyone’s job to take anger on a regular basis and not expect one’s partner learn to manage their anger, treat them with respect and kindness.

  • ty

    ty

    December 8th, 2016 at 8:47 AM

    I have to emotionally calm myself before I can go forward with any kind of conversation or especially any kind of decision. If I am angry and upset then what good is it going to be to me to get into an argument because I am not too clear headed either?

  • Lucy

    Lucy

    December 8th, 2016 at 10:28 AM

    Even though you might think that it would feel REALLY good to say all of that ugly stuff right now you do have to be willing to think about what those words would mean to your relationship days or months from now. It might feel good this second but the chances are that it would probably be things that you would come to regret but unfortunately those will then be the things that can never be taken back. You might say that you are sorry but that hurt from those words could tend to linger longer than you would like. In the end things like that can be very detrimental to even the strongest relationship.

  • jaden

    jaden

    December 9th, 2016 at 11:13 AM

    eek it’s so hard for me to hold my tongue when I feel like I am being disrespected

  • daniel

    daniel

    June 12th, 2018 at 9:21 PM

    so true it’s not easy, some people feel as if they are the only one that needs to be disrespectful and when you respond to their dirty attitude, they make it seem as if your the master.

  • Linda G

    Linda G

    December 11th, 2016 at 10:16 AM

    He usually leaves before I even have a chance to apologize so that’s kind of a big problem.

  • Tara d

    Tara d

    December 13th, 2016 at 2:28 PM

    I am tired of being the one to accommodate. Why not try to take care of my needs for a change? If am not with a person who can talk things over like adults then why do I even want to have this person in my life? that is nothing but negativity right there and honestly I am so past the point of wanting or needing any of that.

  • Jay

    Jay

    December 19th, 2017 at 11:14 AM

    I agree.. i had to always be fixing and fixing ..after a while you’re broken and need to be far away from the pull down.

  • teri

    teri

    April 7th, 2018 at 8:36 PM

    This is exactly what I am going through right now. And not all “fights” can wait until he “cools off” when he shouldn’t have gotten so angry in the first place. yup, walking on pins and needles during a discussion that he may not like or because an opinion isn’t the same, then kissing butt because he explodes. I’m sick of trying to “talk him down” FIX FIX FIX. And if I let him leave or worse yet I leave because he told me to, I have to call him practically begging to talk it out. This crap lasts for days. DAYS. I’m 51. I don’t have time for childish temper tantrums and days wasted being stubborn.

  • claire

    claire

    December 14th, 2016 at 2:26 PM

    There is no reasoning with someone who is angry. And the chances are that when you do try to reason with them you are going to end up angry too simply because you won’y ever have the feeling that you are really being heard. That is something that I just can’t stand so even though my instinct is to want to hash things out right then and there, I think that usually I am much better off cooling off myself while the other person also takes a little bit of time to do that too. If you don’t then the chances are high that one of you is going to say something very ugly that even after you apologize still can’t be taken back.

  • Grant

    Grant

    December 18th, 2017 at 6:36 PM

    I agree. I’m the same. My wife is so quick to anger all the time and I have a hard time not responding without getting defensive. I often just say little in the heat of the moment and wait for her to calm down (usually a couple of days) before I make light of the situation and talk.

  • Keith

    Keith

    April 25th, 2018 at 2:39 PM

    How long is too long for a wife to refuse speaking to you after an argument? I can relate to a lot of these comments on here! It seems like I’m taking on too much of trying to keep her happy and I end up losing myself…

  • Renee

    Renee

    June 11th, 2018 at 8:02 PM

    My problem is that after I manage to calm myself and try to talk to him in a calm and rational way it makes him more angry because he seems to want the argument. I am not sure how to get around that and how to have a reasonable conversation. Even after the fact, he won’t talk about what has happened, won’t take even partial blame and calls me a liar.

  • Lynn

    Lynn

    April 24th, 2017 at 2:53 PM

    I have 3 grown daughters from my first marriage. Only one of them is close enough for us to spend time with. But everytime I do anything for her or spend time with her my husband gets a major hateful attitude toward me. He too has grown sons and he does more for them than I do for my kuds but I never say anything or get angry about it. It is really becoming a hard issue for me to handle. Yet, to her face he is as nice as he can be. I just dont get it. Is it jealousy or what ?

  • Jayme

    Jayme

    May 25th, 2017 at 6:21 PM

    There is no calming the situation or him, there is not even the chance to talk afterwards even days later without him turning it into a fight cause I brought up the “past”, I don’t know what to do. We have kids and he’s loving and kind and so apologetic on very few days but 9 out of 10 he’s a narcissistic vengeful hateful person. ..will say anything and everything to tear me and my 11 year old daughter down anytime he gets aggravated! Please help

  • Deb

    Deb

    June 3rd, 2017 at 8:50 PM

    Jayme, I understand what you are going through all too well. My husband has anger issues also and it makes it very hard to live with. What really upsets me is the fact that he is directing it on your daughter. You need to pull her aside when he is not around and explain to her that this is in no way her fault. He has severe issues and directs it onto you and your daughter. She needs to know that it is his issues and not hers. I have seen this happen in to one of my friends daughters and they all ended up with men like their father. Makes me very sad to see that happen. I deal with it on a daily basis stemming from my husband’s narcisstic father and his other family members causing him problems. Then who does he vent and yell at everyday, me unfortunately. I have learned how to deal with it for now.

  • Gary

    Gary

    June 26th, 2017 at 1:18 PM

    “Dealing with it” is has contributed to my chronic gastritis, and other stress-related health problems. Throughout 21 years of marriage, my wife’s anger issues have risen to several critical peaks, one of which resulted in my leaving for 6 months, and I left w/o warning while she was out of town, to avoid the predictable nightmare scene of having her around while I left. Although we are together again, it it all happening just like before – once a week, twice a month…, in spite of the fact that she acknowledged she has anger management issues. I’m more or less convinced relationships with partners who have anger management problems that are laced with verbal abuse, can be as painful as physical abuse, and in my experience it doesn’t disappear. I’m strongly considering leaving again, only this time for good.

  • Alisha

    Alisha

    July 18th, 2017 at 8:55 AM

    My boyfriend and I have only been together for seven months and we only argued twice and this time he’s mad for something I caught him doing . I seen him looking at another girl and I asked him about it jokiningly and he was out raged he was so mad and still is every time I try to talk to him about it he just tells me I don’t want to talk about it I simply don’t know what I did wrong but now he’s been so mad and distant and I know I need to let him cool off last time it took two weeks and he left me this time I’m living with him and I fear that he’s going to tell me something that will trigger me in a bad way

  • pat

    pat

    July 12th, 2017 at 11:58 AM

    with all the good things one can do when a hubby gets angry every day these things r all good but how does one tell themselves that it is not abusive for a hubby to b angry every day and that u dont deserve that and that enough is enough with trying to b understanding and all the good things one can do how do u have the perspective that it is not abuse and that u can love unconditionaly

  • Moshe Ratson

    Moshe Ratson

    July 12th, 2017 at 1:42 PM

    Dear Pat,
    It is clearly a difficult situation when confronted by an angry partner. While we need to provide unconditional love to others, we have to treat ourselves in the same manner. We need to take care of our well-being and attend to our needs without being selfish. This is why it is important to be assertive.
    By being assertive, you are respectful of yourself as well as the person you are engaging with. You express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. In this way, you are able to maintain self-confidence and take care of your well-being in all situations.
    Hope it helps,
    Moshe Ratson – spiral2grow Marriage Family Therapy

  • Robin

    Robin

    July 18th, 2017 at 6:17 AM

    Hi. Your article is very informative. It contains many useful tips. It is intimidating meeting an angry person. If you don’t know what to do, you’ll be in trouble. But there are simple steps you can use to handle angry people. THanks a lot for this post. Best regards, Robinson.

  • Barb

    Barb

    July 30th, 2017 at 11:11 AM

    Whew, I have been dealing with an angry spouse for 40 years now. It is not helpful to engage in dialogue when people are angry and will say almost anything. You can’t take words back and they hurt. I concentrate on what brings me joy. I cannot make my spouse happy and I do not take responsibility for his anger. People with anger issues fall into conditioned blaming where the person nearest and closest is the brunt and cause of the unhappiness.
    It is an easy way to focus on a problem which in reality is within the angry person. I can’t make him happy. Only he can make himself happy. Hopefully, but I don’t know when, he will take some reasonability for his anger.

  • Ann

    Ann

    June 18th, 2019 at 5:49 AM

    I agree with everything you’ve said
    Dealing with this for 43 years has changed me so much
    Exhaustion sets in

  • Missy

    Missy

    August 21st, 2017 at 12:29 AM

    Like why bother? Maybe, after years, it’s time to end it.

  • beverley

    beverley

    October 6th, 2017 at 5:01 PM

    my boyfriend i have been with for a year has ptsd from being in military for 10 years. He started becoming very aggressive and mean. He watches a lot of porn . We sat down had a talk about it and i told him how it made me feel and that would love to watch it with him but didn’t feel comfortable with him watching behind my back . when i confronted him about it he lies to me and then i get so upset about it and then he finally admits that he watched a video when i was at work. What makes me upset is that he lies to me that’s what hurts. I haven’t felt all that well possibly could be pregnant , So he promised me that he wouldn’t lie to me again and that he loves me . I woke up in morning and there was porn all on the tv i was upset about it because i wasn’t feeling well i just wanted him to be there for me . I confronted him about it the next day and he tells me that he didnt watch any porn and then he finally said ok i was bored so i didn’t angry about it one bit. Later that day I told him how i just was wanting him to be there for me last night because i wasnt feeling well . He flipped out we were driving he hit the steering wheel and said you are so f***ucking stupid!!!!! started calling me f***ing mental and that i am as f***ed as him i just don’t want to admit it. Now i know i
    Im not perfect but i don’t have mental problems

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 7th, 2017 at 10:25 AM

    Dear Beverley,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • daniel

    daniel

    June 12th, 2018 at 9:32 PM

    hon you have small problems, my man is judgemental he does not own up to anything, he just blames others and acts as if he better than others. we can’t even have a simple conversation about anything without him trying to dominate me. he thinks he is brighter and smarter than anyone if I don’t smile for a day he finds problems, we have so much issue at times its really hard now a days to find a good clam person who isn’t a jerk.

  • zil

    zil

    September 8th, 2018 at 5:40 PM

    Dear Beverley, run away from this man and keep running. If he treats you this way now when you are just in dating mode – imagine when you have children and are dependent upon him – this will become substantially worse and you will be stuck for a long time with an abuser

  • Dawn

    Dawn

    October 9th, 2017 at 3:12 AM

    My husband and I have been married for almost a year. He has anger issues. Many times I feel afraid to approach him with even simple questions. I have to think about how to phrase it for days, while predicting how he may react. We just brought our baby home. Usually he works very long hours everyday. So I didn’t know he had 3 days off or could take time off. When I kindly asked him when did he have to go back to work, he asked me in a condescending tone, “what do you mean and implied that it was a loaded question. People ask me all the time how long my vacation is or when do I have to go back. When he starts going off on me for asking this question, I ask him why all this for a simple question, he starts raising his voice at mean and says, you shut up and go in the room or I’m going to smash everything! ” I understand he hates work! But geesh…i truly regret asking the question. He then comes to me and tries to connect unrelated conversations to gaslight me and convince myself that I asked the wrong question. This is what I go through…lack of communication from him…and condescending tones and disrespect if I don’t pose the question in a perfect way to his liking. Any thoughts of how to deal with this?

  • Debra B.

    Debra B.

    October 10th, 2017 at 9:37 AM

    I just don’t ask anymore. I try to guess the answers to what I need. I avoid him before he leaves for work because that’s when he’s at his crankiest. Never, ever ask him to “do” anything before work, after work etc. My schedule changed and now apparently I need to be careful in the morning too or it’s a fight every morning.
    He thinks he’s the nicest guy in the world because he’s good to the kids and fun with them. It’s a too good to leave, too bad to stay situation.

  • Debra B.

    Debra B.

    October 10th, 2017 at 9:43 AM

    Eventually, you learn how to ask and when to ask. There are absolutely times when you cannot approach certain subjects and some subjects you’ll never be able to ask like “are you going to fix something”. You learn what you’re allowed to say. Watch your timing. Say as few words as possible when you ask your question. Try really hard to phrase it in a way that can’t be interpreted as self-serving or that you want something from him that you can’t do yourself. Do everything yourself when you can.

  • sophia

    sophia

    October 10th, 2017 at 9:33 PM

    It’s very unfortunate if a person has to tiptoe around a relationship. It isdifficult for me to understand why a relationship should be considered a game in which you have to make the right move. If you dont, whole hell breaks loose. A mother who nurtures her children, should be able to enjoy herself as a mother and a wife.

  • teri

    teri

    April 7th, 2018 at 8:51 PM

    I can’t help laughing because your comments are sarcastically hilarious. Yet so true. I’m gonna read them a third time because I need an extra good giggle :)

  • teri

    teri

    April 7th, 2018 at 8:47 PM

    yes, it’s called “leave” and never go back.

  • sophia

    sophia

    October 9th, 2017 at 8:29 PM

    Sometimes a partner may lose their cool, but if it happens too often, it can only get worse regardless if the other is calm or not. If a person tends to always get irritated or angry without reason, it can be indicative of mental health issues. One has to put their foot down and if possible get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

  • Jenny

    Jenny

    November 12th, 2017 at 10:52 AM

    I feel like the underlying message in this article is “kiss his a$$” if he has an anger problem. Be submissive. That isn’t going to solve anything but it will certainly send the message that the attitude will be tolerated.

  • teri

    teri

    April 7th, 2018 at 8:54 PM

    Exactly my thought. TO a point you let people cool down but this sounds more like you described: kissing A## and being submissive. No thanks.

  • Barb

    Barb

    November 13th, 2017 at 8:22 AM

    As a person who has been in a relationship for 40 years now, with a man who has anger issues, I say to you all. Get out. Move on. For me it is too late, but it isn’t for the rest of you.

  • Morgan

    Morgan

    November 13th, 2017 at 10:52 PM

    I go back and forth all the time whether I should stay or go. My husband can be so calm and nice and then something small sets him off and he just lays into me – then just a quickly hes back to normal. I’m expected to just ‘get over it.’ I am successful, Ivy League educated AND the breadwinner. Most of our friends would be shocked to know how he treats me at home. I have a 12 year old and keep thinking its time to get out. He does not treat our child as badly as he treats me – and is very gently with our child most of the time. The house is mine, and i make all the $, but I’ll just be supporting him. Writing all this down makes me feel like an idiot for staying..

  • Dean

    Dean

    November 17th, 2017 at 8:18 PM

    You’re not an idiot for straying. You’re simply still hopeful of what you thought marriage is like. You hope things will change and hes good side will win over his anger. I know this feeling. And at this point youre already supporting him financialy. If you leave you wont gain any money but freedom. And believe me, you son sees everything no matter how well you hide it. And he learns more and more resentment toward your husband and toward you.
    Making a step out of the door or kicking him out or serving divorce papers is the difficult move. After that its easy to accomodate.

    I have been deeling with an angry person for 3 years. And i found your comment that identified the most. I took care of everything ,overworkem myself because i wanted an even better life for both of us. And after every minor thing i did, like didnt save enough coffee for her in the morning, i met anger. She would physically and verbally attack me insuly me. Call my family and insult them. I was blind to how angry and plain white trash this person is until it was to obvious to miss. So i just left. I found a lawyer and signed divorce papers and left them for her and left. And after a year and a half we started being friends again. And hanging out more and more until we got close enough for her to have another episode again. Calling me tbe worst names and hitting me and herself. It was awful. But this time i wasnt connected with her in any way. It was easy for me.to just go home and let her dwell im her anger.

    Its sad when you see it from a distance. They have anger that takes over them. They have ruined relationships with their own families and no friends. No career prospect. They ruined their lives and keep on doing it. And they need you or me or someone around to blame. Thats what its clear as day to me now. She needed me to say that she doesmt have a job because i didnt help out with the dishes and she had to stay home. She doesmt have money because i cut her out when i left. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents because her dad doesn’t like me. She doesnt have friends because she dedicated herself to me. You see she needed me to have an excuse for her own wrong doing. Once you escape this mwan circle youll see much clearer.

  • Cas4

    Cas4

    June 23rd, 2018 at 5:13 PM

    My friend was a married doctor & right b4 she asked for a divorce she filed for bankruptcy in agreement that she keeps everything, pay no alimony, but pay off all there dept because if not she would have paid him for 20 years or until he got married again. When she just paid a bankruptcy lawyer for 5 years she also had to give up half of 401k though. So she stop putting into that 5 years before she asked for a divorce.

  • mel

    mel

    July 9th, 2018 at 11:45 AM

    Wow, Morgan, I could have written your post.
    I am at work today wondering what to do about a fiance who officially announced that he couldn’t live with me anymore this weekend, but then refused to vacate the premises (MY house).
    We resolved things and apologized, but who knows for how long.
    I am also an ivy-league, educated up to the eyebrows, hard-working mother of 2 young children. I have gotten myself out of other relationships that were toxic, so how am I still in a predicament?
    Some days are bliss, most days involve a temper tantrum. I spend several days each week tiptoeing around his anger.
    Can’t relax at home on days off work, never quite know what mood he’s going to be in. I pay all the bills, provide the roof over our heads, buy him what he needs because his temper cost him his job.
    I rationalize staying with him because he helps take care of the kids, does stuff around the house, takes care of the dog…but the temper is so bad.
    I have another 15 years until my little girl is off to college…I am planning my exit strategy.

  • Becky

    Becky

    September 28th, 2019 at 7:27 PM

    I can relate to your story. These people will destroy your happiness, self esteem, and contribute to depression. There are different types of anger problems. Some people just don’t change. Save your self and leave.

  • Sarah

    Sarah

    November 14th, 2017 at 6:14 AM

    Why does this entire article blame the non-aggressive partner? Like nope, I don’t have to ‘valid your emotions’ before, during, or after an angry outburst. YOU are supposed to control yourself – and get help for your anger issues.

  • Mary

    Mary

    December 6th, 2017 at 11:43 AM

    How to deal with a husband who keeps on dwelling on the past and when angry, the first decision is breaking up?

  • Apoorva Z

    Apoorva Z

    December 12th, 2017 at 11:11 PM

    None of the above idea worked in my case. I want happy life but my wife always remain angry on me. From first to last moment of the day she remain angry on me. My heart is in pain.

  • Louise W

    Louise W

    January 7th, 2018 at 6:31 AM

    After 35 years of marriage I am tired of it. He remains unhappy. Hates his job. Has no friends. No hobbies. We have 2 grown well adjusted kids with good careers. He was always able to control his rants around them. I am the brunt. Jealous of my girlfriends. We go to lunch maybe once every 2-3 months. He hates company and always complains when I suggest having someone over. Including our Pastor who recently lost his wife. So I have stopped asking. We have a lovely home and when we do have someone over he seems to enjoy himself. I am semi-retired, an extrovert, and do some volunteer work. He always belittles it. Calls it a waste of time. Meanwhile my 65 year old English literacy student has just learned to read! I have always been there for him and the kids. Clean house, laundry, meals etc. He always complains I don’t turn the lights off, close the windows, turn the taps off right etc. Meanwhile I run opioid pain pumps at work. LOL. I think he has OCD. He dropped out of college. And university. He is living his life through the kids. Very wrong. I have one aunt and a brothers here. We were immigrants and everyone else is in Europe. I always had to find friend as did my parents. He has dozens of relatives here and contacts none. Not even his 4 siblings. He reprimands me all the time and I once tried to tell him this makes me feel resentful. Well that didn’t work. Seeing this in print is unreal. I don’t discuss this with my friends but I am sure they have an awareness.

  • Nalliah

    Nalliah

    April 1st, 2018 at 4:54 PM

    Every wife has a few melting points. During her outburst, she is unlikely to hear your side of the story. Just remain focused on her. It should appear to her that you are paying attention to what she is saying. Not doing so can make here angrier, accusing you of ignoring her. Don’t argue or try to present counter-claims. Just get hold of a seating position and face her verbal assault like a soldier. Don’t ask her to calm down or take a chill pill. These are precisely the kind of things that adds more fuel to the argument. In fact, it is better to stay mute as long as she is animatedly shouting at you.

    Just use your body language to convey that you agree with her reason for getting angry. For instance, nod your head and occasionally, let out a slow sigh that indicates you have surrendered to her reasoning. Not doing so will make her shout more. The sooner you give-in to her anger, higher are the chances of placating her.

    Women are prone to venting out their emotions in the form of anger fits. It is a feature associated with wives across the world. So don’t let her attack on your integrity, job or even parents prick you. Most probably, she isn’t even aware about most of the words dropping out of her mouth. Just try to take it like a man. Sit back or lean against the wall and let her tire herself out. If you let these things bother you, it will ignite retribution in you.

    For many women, verbal outburst of anger is induced by those unavoidable hormonal issues. Thus, you might be helping her and ensuring that the next few weeks would be more peaceful. Yes, it seems like a natural thing to do, i.e. ducking from the scene but this will make her more resentful and frustrated. Further, till what extent can you really escape any situation that involves your wife?

    Many times, anger bouts are precipitated due to deep-seated issues. For instance, your wife might be getting angry since she sees a pattern in you which resemble her father’s mannerisms whom she resents. Such issues need to be tackled with extreme care. Firstly, you need to decode the underlying cause. If it is just another fault committed by you, you can seek an apology and diffuse the situation. However, if it turns out that there are some serious emotional issues weighing on your wife’s mind, you need to be her guiding soul. In such cases, your wife needs your support to let bygones be bygones and forgive herself or someone else who had hurt her in the past.

  • Bwambale u.

    Bwambale u.

    May 27th, 2018 at 12:06 PM

    Anger is an emotion that every normal person has, but what is important here, is to know about yourself and how to handle the matter. Do something, to me,chewing gums brings me back to normal.

  • Sheena R.

    Sheena R.

    June 1st, 2018 at 7:29 PM

    First is would like to mention that my husband is a really nice person. The issue is that he is as equally nasty. They way that he talks as his way of thinking. I’m at a point Where in desensitized to him but I still get a little irritated. My kids notice but are too scared to talk to him. Taking to him is felt not an option because he thinks that he is the GOAT. Deep down I really want to separate so the next person he gets involved with can tell him about himself. Maybe, just maybe he will look in the mirror. Probably not though knowing him.

  • Amy

    Amy

    June 2nd, 2018 at 2:46 PM

    So what are you supposed to do when you’ve been following those steps for years and your spouse is still so angry all the time? If I try to talk to my husband about anything outside of the weather he gets so defensive & angry that I choose to just not talk to him at all most of the time. He makes me feel so unwanted and insignificant, like I’m holding him back. If I try to explain that to him he explodes and calls me down and points out every single one of my flaws that I feel completely defeated. I am at a loss………

  • Mona

    Mona

    June 2nd, 2018 at 5:21 PM

    First off pray. God constituted marriage. There would be no such thing without him. So far I don’t leave, or wish to separate, or divorce. I promised God that I will be married to my husband forever. But I understand unhealthy mentally and physically abusing ones spouse may cause separation. My husband is rude, prideful, a jerk, a hypocrite He has anger issues. He lies during arguments out of pure anger. He will cuss, puts his hands in my face. He leaves and wanders around blasting his vulgar rap music as if it helps. He has anger issues and won’t address them because I deal with occasional depression. He thinks I need “help”.He has no patience. Always ready To reply with a smart answer. And certain days I ignore or joke with him. But some days it really gets to me. I get so tired of him getting angry over me asking me too many questions. He has an ego issue. Everyone knows he is a know-it-all. He makes a good amount at work and they won’t give him a promotion. He’s overly confident. Puffed up with pride. No wonder, and yet the same person can’t handle 5 questions without categorizing it as nagging. Just because he doesn’t feel like answering dumb, rhetorical questions? But claims to know so much. Today he went and bought a new adapter for his laptop that he broke. I started asking what the pieces were for that came with it. And here we go. He states I already know the answer to that. So I simply remind him how if I knew the answer then I wouldn’t have asked. And one might say that I should’ve let it go, I get sick and tired of a grown man but being able to handle simple questions. He’s terrible with kids. He doesn’t have the patience to babysit his nephew 1 day every 3 months without being nasty and rude to him. My husband thinks he can buy people. You can’t buy a child’s love. Just because you can afford to take him places and pay for him. He treats me the same way. But always reminds me that he wants at least one child. He can’t even handle answering questions about a laptop adapter. I have quit my full time jobs many times since we’ve been married for 3 years. He wants to brag about how much he does for me. The whole lists include mostly that he pays bills. Occasionally he will be sympathetic and actually pretend he cares how I feel. He always is bad mouthing his step father about how he was a tyrant and was physically abusive. But guess what he’s a product of his environment. Once you anger him, all his morals and standards are out the door. I promise he is mentally ill. Today he was mad that I confronted him about him being angry because I asked too many questions. I said he was being a dummy in the midst of the argument. He walks over and snatches his controller out of my hand. I went to get another one. And he took that one. I repeated that until he actually hurt me while snatching it. I advised him to not put his hands on me. He continuously ran his mouth about me calling him a dummy. I punched him at full force in his left shoulder blade. He tried to physically throw me out of the house and couldn’t. So he ran and grabbed the dog. What! Yes he grabs the dogs collar and shoves my 2 year old lab out the back door thinking the dog would run away. This man is a tyrant. I have my issues. I can be a tad naggy when it comes to him helping out around the house. I work a full time job just as he does. It’s so much stress and when I run and bawl my eyes out guess who gets angry. He thinks I’m crying for sympathy. When I do things like hit him back, then obviously he gets angry. There’s no way to please him. His brother was murdered 7 months ago. Now it’s worse than when we first got married 3 years ago. He won’t talk to anyone to get help. And were advised to pray by the older ones continuously advise us to pray and apply bible principles. I definitely agree. But it’s hard. And even when we make up, there’s another fight coming soon. It’s ridiculous. All the answers point to changing myself, to leave, stick through it, be more submissive, or basically just to live as roommates not actually as a married couple to avoid fighting. I would not be happy in any of those situations . And of course my husband doesn’t do any self reflecting unless someone in our congregation gives him advise to do so. He is so lost. You should see him when he gets mad his mind gets all crazy on him. He walks through the house and packs up his stuff, because he’s so angry sometimes he packs up his game system and takes it with him. He goes on a rampage slamming doors. He looks as if he’s mentally unstable, he gets confused and walks through the wrong room. I low key think he’s is having a fit of rage or a mental breakdown. Honestly I don’t give in in situations like this. I have in the past and I can apologize as much as I want he hulks out and won’t come back to his human form. It’s ridiculous I am sure that the police will get called. Sometimes I will leave and go take a breather. At this point the only thing I can do is pray. God has never left me down. But too, I think it may be time to leave before things become too physical. I honestly wish he would get some help. I’ve never been in fights, I don’t have behavioral issues with anyone else in the world. But it seems like my husband is my worse enemy. I don’t know who he is when he’s angry. He’s a monster. I know I don’t help his issues by arguing and hitting back. But he angers me so much. I don’t want to be the sort of person that complains about his anger and acts the same. But there’s no helping the situation with him. I can’t be that nice submissive wife with him. He doesn’t appreciate it. He reacts the same way whether I approach him nicely in a friendly tone or if act stern. I can’t win. I’m always trying to avoid making him mad. So much that it’s affecting me. Now I feel sad, like I’m a bad wife and person. All because I try and try to be that nice submissive wife. I’m 27. I don’t want to give myself high blood pressure or a stroke. He doesn’t care about the fact that he hurts me. Honestly he wouldn’t realize it until I’m dead and gone. I’m not over exaggerating. I just wish I saw this coming before when we dated. I used to think he was a good guy. I always thought he was a bit uptight. Now of course like everyone else on here, I’m left crying out. Looking for people to relate to. I have knowledge of many scriptures on how to deal. But I can only apply them to me. I can control myself and my actions most of the time. But I dunno. I honestly get afraid that he will one day seriously hurt me or I will hurt him. My family gets worried. They get nervous when we call thinking they will hear bad news from us. I know that’s a sign we should separate. But I’m optimistic with everything in life. I try to see the good and stick through it. I’m not perfect. But I feel like I shouldn’t be a punching bag to my husband just because I want to ask questions. Or just because I need help with the dishes. He’s becoming a mean spirited angry person the longer were together. Anyway, this is just my opinion.It’s obviously biased but I know I have work to do. I’m just venting. Sometimes I wonder how people resort to drinking to solve their problems. I actually sometimes think, “at least a drunkard has something to turn to”. I don’t have the alcoholic gene I guess. I just need some way to deal. I honestly thought about going away for a month until I Start my new job. It’s an option I thought that could clear my mind and help me to be mentally stronger. But it seems in his case, I can only pray for him, or pray for myself to deal with it. By the looks of the other comments, I need to help myself become stronger before he can be helped.

  • Barb

    Barb

    June 2nd, 2018 at 6:36 PM

    Mona. This will not get better. Take time to make a plan and get away from this man. Any man who you think will seriously hurt you will. We all have good gut feelings. You have expressed yours. You are feeling that he will seriously hurt you one day and you need to listen to your gut. GET. OUT. There are supports in the communities. Use them. Hope you stay safe. GO GIRL. You will be fine after you leave him. You have strengths that you don’t even know about

  • Alamzeb

    Alamzeb

    August 4th, 2018 at 10:52 PM

    Mona, you should not leave him. Your strong belief in family is a definite anchor for survival and your optimism towards life will take you towards a better result. Are you sure that leaving him and getting married agin or in another relationship would be a life of roses? How much are the chances that the other person may turn out to be like him? In most of the second or subsequent relationships; it is the female gender who has to pay the price in the form of being abused for the past relationships. I hope now you know him more than anybody in this world and you are empowered enough to think of equally hurting him. This gives you a better position to make a long term plan to deal with him in a better way. Mind you the road will be bumpy but your hope in happiness in life will get you through. Best of luck.

  • Amanda

    Amanda

    August 27th, 2018 at 6:07 PM

    My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I’ve gotten the impression from him that he’s just super annoyed of me, and I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don’t really bother him much while he’s at work, usually a hi text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I’m not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.

  • Married Man

    Married Man

    October 7th, 2018 at 7:23 AM

    It looks as if you are still newly married with a small child and you are a stay at home mom. Men can feel a lot of pressure to be the sole provider in this type of situation. It can be difficult, some days, to shift from work to home and be the dad. My wife felt she was off duty when I came home, regardless of anything that may have happened or needed to be done. She rarely, if ever, expressed any appreciation for what I was doing and just pointed out what needed to be done. Simply letting him know, occasionally, he is appreciated for what he is doing will go a long way. Good relationships are about communication, sacrifices and appreciation of each other. This may not be the issue, but might be worth exploring.

  • Chandan

    Chandan

    January 2nd, 2019 at 7:15 AM

    Hi
    I am a very peace loving person and have been married to my wife 10 Yrs ago and living in a nuclear family, we have a son and I love him very much. I am having following relationship problems with my wife.

    1. My Wife is a know-it-all types and she thinks she is god and she could never go wrong.
    2. She also thinks all her in-laws are always verbally abusing her and I am not protesting to it.
    3. I am a freelance Software Engineer working full time for a company and after coming home from office, I usually get busy with my other clients. She is very annoyed to my business whereas she never thinks twice before going festival shopping, never thinks about where the money is coming from.
    4. Also, she criticizes every other person on this planet, all the people are going or doing wrong whereas she alone does things right.
    5. And she always wins arguments with me, and I being soft, sometimes remain silent and get busy to my work.
    6. Another problem is she has many people whom she discusses all the matters with, whereas I do not share household problems with others easily.
    7. She also has huge anger problems. When she gets real depressed and angry, she is completely out of control and she even beat my son very badly once.

    How can I improve this relation?

    Thanks and regards

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 2nd, 2019 at 8:57 AM

    Dear Chandan,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy Team

  • Jeremy

    Jeremy

    March 27th, 2019 at 8:38 PM

    I feel you Chandan…I am in the same situation as you are. Its becoming unbearable for me too. Everythng is good till the time my wife is ok or normal but its that one instance which tears apart everything and it comes flashing on to you. Most abusive words coming out of her mouth for me, my family. Everything is bad for her except her family who seem to be doing everything right on this planet. She is a victim of her own imaginations and beliefs and the sufferer is me.
    I hope you are able to find a solution to your life situation. I hope I can find one too.

  • Nita

    Nita

    January 3rd, 2019 at 12:20 PM

    WOW! I can’t believe i am here typing this. Most importantly, I can’t believe i am like one of those married women who you see in a Lifetime movie dealing with an angry husband. my husband and i have been married 3 months now. We dated long-distance for a year or so. I’ve never seen this kind of anger in real life. I have to pre think my steps or what I am going to say before i say it. It is very draining! My husband’s anger scares me. When I look into his eyes during that moment of rage, i don’t see him. He is like another person. Just like in the movies, he is a gentlemen, sweet, caring, loving and very helpful. Too bad the outside world doesn;t know what lies beneath. He is watching and judging everything people do. The things people do or say that he doesn’t agree with, he adds to his list of “wrongs” in his head. When he blows up, BAMMM, that’s when i hear it all. He used a floor lamp and broke our new sofa yesterday. I feel NUMB actually. I don’t know what to say or do. How much does the calm person stay calm and caring and patient? It takes a toll on you. I just wonder if it will get worse. I feel with all of you. I am doing everything I am supposed to but still it’s not enough. One thing i do know for sure. I WILL NOT STOOP DOWN TO HIS LEVEL. Yes, sometimes i want to hit him and I am yelling I hate you in my mind, but why give him the satisfaction? I won’t. My advice to any of you is, don’t change who you are or how you deal with stressful situations like this because your partner is an a******. Rise above this s***.

  • Sahil

    Sahil

    March 28th, 2019 at 4:45 PM

    “don’t change who you are or how you deal with stressful situations like this”….wow, such a deep thought! I am not sure for how long can one remain in their original calm state when the other partner, who means the world to them, does not give a s*** about your feelings. As you said, when he is angry he is a different person, who I am sure does not care what you feel, what will hurt you, their whole motive is to show you down. I love my wife and I know she loves me too but when there is a fight, her whole motive is to show me down…hit me in places where she knows it affects me the most, including bringing up my past life because she knows I don’t want to think about what I had been through. I don’t know till how long its possible to be like this. But i will still remember your lines. Don’t change who you are!

  • Jeremy

    Jeremy

    March 27th, 2019 at 6:46 PM

    I am in a similar situation too. My wife and I have very frequent fights. She is extremely hot tempered and while she is angry she does not think twice about what she is saying and whether they would hurt me or not, including abusing my parents with the worst of words possible. I tend to take a backfoot and then go defensive to just try and manage the situation by keeping calm so that she gets her cooling zone. but somehow even after he fight has ended, which typically takes days, i have in the last seven years of constant fighting never heard a sorry from her about what she spoke. I am the only one who has apologized over the last so many years to her. She on the other hands finds her choice of words to be appropriate. Our fights are on very small issues – such as why did i not pour milk properly in the jar to complex issues relating to families etc. I am tired of being the only one to handle situations and try to arrive at a solution. I feel I am bleeding from every pore of my body. After the fight ends, i keep doing things to make her realize that our marriage is good and its possible to be happy but its always that one moment which puts a full stop. Her demands tend to get horrible, from “I need to divorce tomorrow only else i will burn myself or call the police” to “Book my flight tickets tomorrow else i will kill our daughter”.
    I love my family and even to the slightest, can not think of divorcing her. But now everything has zeroed down to leave your parents completely else nothing will be good.
    I need help and a lot of help. I dont know what to do, where to go, how to make everything alright. my efforts, my thinking is all destroyed it seems.

  • Elham

    Elham

    August 27th, 2019 at 7:00 AM

    my husband is so badtemper but im so relax and scilent when he is so angry..is it good?

  • Bee

    Bee

    August 27th, 2019 at 10:37 AM

    It is actually impossible to trace the the source of the anger. On the surface it may be something that just occurred or it could go way way back in the person’s history. No, uncontrollable anger is NOT GOOD. Be very aware of any escalations in his behaviour and make plans to be safe and leave the relationship if anger continues to escalate and you feel unsafe.

  • Fonzie

    Fonzie

    September 2nd, 2019 at 11:03 PM

    I tried to do the right think by not adding any fuel to the 🔥 when the anger comes out . I allow the temper to settle down and keep busy or walk away ! Yet, one makes effort to try and met in the middle and come to a compromising agreement. I don’t want to end the relationship cuz the other person needs to learn control and ✊ respect !

  • Tom

    Tom

    October 12th, 2019 at 4:46 AM

    My wife has these moments of extreme anger where she directs a lot of hatred towards me. She lists things wrong with me, always shouting them. She then proceeds to tell me of her disappointment with me. A lot of what she says is to do with me not earning enough money. She also brings up things that I may have menitoned to her about my job and then she will use them against me.
    When she is raging there is simply is no reasoning with her. Sometimes I try to leave the situation but this quickly turns into a wrestling match. At her absolute worst she gets violent and does things like punch and stomp on me. There really is no way out of the situation other than just enduring it.
    I am not really sure why I am posting this, it does feel better to have written it down.
    The thing which gets to me most is that she simply does not admit on any meaningful level that she has anger issues. She normally blames me for making her angry. I feel like unless she can admit to having issues she will never be able to move on and improve as a person.
    I know the simple thing to do is to leave her. But it just isn’t that easy when emotions are involved…

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