14 Telltale Signs You Have Crossed Into an Emotional Affair

Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line?

If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair.

Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”.

Emotional infidelity is a real concern for many people. In a Chapman University study earlier this year, researchers found 65% of heterosexual women and 46% of heterosexual men were likely to be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs typically start out as friendships, making it difficult to discern when you actually cross the line. If you have developed a close relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re worried it might negatively impact your existing relationship, take an honest look at your feelings, intentions, and actions. Are you having an affair? Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

If you are still unsure whether or not you have moved from a friendship to something more, here are 14 telltale signs of an emotional affair:

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker—so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner—you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for one particular person, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special.

4. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

5. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

6. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you are going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, it may prove you are making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you are dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives, as they may not be as innocent as you think.

7. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation.

8. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might be a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

9. You really understand each other.

You feel like the other person “gets” you. You have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar. You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection. If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

10. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

11. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then you may be feeling a romantic attraction to that person.

12. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person is around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

13. You start having fantasies or dreams.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or start having romantic dreams about them, this may be a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

14. You would be upset if the situation were reversed.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you would be upset about it, then that may be an indication that your behavior is inappropriate and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it can be easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you are concerned you might be having an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist who can help you both process and share your feelings and perspective.


  1. Ledbetter, S. (2015, January 5). Chapman University publishes research on jealousy – Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. Retrieved from https://blogs.chapman.edu/press-room/2015/01/05/chapman-university-publishes-research-on-jealousy-impact-of-sexual-vs-emotional-infidelity

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • Douglas

    September 12th, 2015 at 10:44 AM

    Dangerous Dangerous
    In many ways I think that these kinds of affairs can be even more dangerous to a marriage than having a physical relationship with someone could be.
    I have never done either, I love my wife, but I know buddies of mine who have started these things with women online and they are in so deep and cannot even think about how to get out of it without ruining their lives.

  • Daniel R.

    September 2nd, 2017 at 11:25 AM

    My spouse has done this with her boss and I told my boy she does not love me when she acts this way I told him I love him more. I hate giving her back rubs because she doesn’t really touch me back says she is tri ing to break me of that.

  • Slim Shady

    September 2nd, 2017 at 7:56 PM

    This is for Daniel, Sorry you’re in pain but don’t use your kid for a therapist. He deserves to be a kid. That kind of thing will cause him a lot of emotional trouble later on. The kid will always remember who GAVE him the poison more than he’ll remember his mom’s short-comings. I think you should find a counselor to help you sort things out. Good luck.

  • Mamie

    April 24th, 2019 at 4:53 AM

    You are affecting your son by talking to him about this. The damage of him then feeling like he has to choose sides. Also expressing that there are levels of love that you have sends the message that your love can decrease for him also never compare your love for him with anybody else’s.

  • Zaria

    September 13th, 2015 at 8:37 AM

    You are looking for ways to impress the wrong person in your life. Impress your spouse or partner, not some wannabe that you have connected with online

  • greer

    September 14th, 2015 at 8:54 AM

    Both my husband and I have have strayed into this territory before, although I think that it was a bigger hurt for me than it was to him. For him the ultimate betrayal would have been for me to sleep with another person but to me that was secondary to feeling like he had gotten that close to another woman,.

  • Simms

    September 14th, 2015 at 10:23 AM

    You hear about this far more than we once did and I do think that the start of social media has led to this happening in far greater numbers.

    I don’t necessarily think that people set out for this to happen, but it feels so good to have someone objective talk to you and listen without judgement… the temptation is just too great for us to overcome at times.

    That is why it is important to not put yourself into those kinds of situations at all, so you don’t even have to worry about it happening.

  • Candi

    September 15th, 2015 at 10:28 AM

    I have been thinking about reconnecting with my old high school boyfriend, first love of course, online through facebook but then I read something like this and it makes me afraid. Would I be able to squash any romantic feelings that I may still have for him? Would I even want to? I think that until I know those answers to those questions then I am going to continue to err on the side of caution and send no friend request. :/

  • RICH

    September 16th, 2015 at 10:49 AM

    Now I have started this thing with this woman that I think that I want to end but I really have become sort of scared about what her reaction might be.

    I don’t think that I have led her on, I really just wanted to be friends but it sort of feels like we have crossed the line a little between flirting and stuff we have said but have not acted on. I don’t want to take things any further but I know that when I try to put a stop to it she might just freak out because I feel like she has a lot more invested in this than I do.

    I’m kind of feeling stuck, like I don’t want this to go any further but I’m not really sure about how to rein it all back in.

  • Catherine

    September 18th, 2015 at 11:41 AM

    It is so easy to get into though if you are feeling hurt or neglected by your partner and along comes someone who only wants to make you feel better about yourself and bam you fall into that trap. I know that it is no excuse for doing it because we have to rise above that but I know very well that this is how it happens.

  • Donna

    September 18th, 2015 at 12:53 PM

    My husband (ex) told me about a situation a co-worker was having with her husband and that “we have to help her”. I said “No…WE don’t have to do anything.” She had sucked him into an emotional affair and he was utterly clueless. To this day he denies that there was anything going on. I think he actually believes that. Meanwhile “Tonya” has stolen someone else’s husband and is happily married to this OTHER guy she seduced at work. Should I send the ex this link? He’s not my problem anymore in great part thanks to the emotional affair that “never happened”. In fairness I also have to admit that when things went to heXX I started an emotional affair of my own (high school sweetheart–no love like the first love!!) that made matters even worse. I ended that and worked on the marriage for another couple of years but by then it was doomed.
    Those of you who wrote in saying you are in it and afraid to get out…GET OUT! Tell your wife how it started innocently enough and now it’s turning into something that worries you. (Just in case the rejected one DOES contact the wife–quite likely.) The truth you can deal with. The secrets and denial will end you.

  • Lizzie

    September 18th, 2015 at 4:10 PM

    Wow, I just realized that I am in an emotional affair with my boss. My friends noticed it last year when I was going through my divorce. They made jokes that my boss had a crush on me. I just laughed it off. When I read this article 90% of the signs were true about us. We enjoy talking to each other but I don’t see myself ever going any further with this relationship while he is still married. My question is , how do I stop this emotional affair?

  • Lu

    September 18th, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Dealt with this very situation. Trying not to step on toes but my spouse seems to be the one who normally starts the conversation. Claims the “friend” helps to sort out and help my spouse to be a better person. Refuses therapy – so my guess would be this is acceptable? Sad to say it really sucks and it makes you feel like an elephant stepping on your chest. And of course if it doesn’t end we all know where it will lead…..best of luck to those out there rowing this boat along side me

  • Donna

    September 19th, 2015 at 12:35 PM

    Lizzie, your post makes me so sad. To hear you say that, “nothing will happen as long as he’s still married.” Let’s me know that you are as blind now as when you wrecked your own marriage with this relationship. Not only that but it sounds like you’d be perfectly happy if it ended his too. So it “could go somewhere”. I’m not trying to be mean but ask yourself this: If you sent him a copy of your post would he go ahead and wreck HIS marriage too so you guys can play out your little fantasy? Either answer doesn’t bode well for you. You should definitely think about seeing a counselor to do a little boundary work. As far as HOW to get out of it…try this “This relationship isn’t appropriate. I’ve destroyed my marriage and yours may be next.” “Just curious, what would your wife think about the way we’ve come to relate to one another?”

  • Nicola

    September 22nd, 2015 at 1:15 AM

    I read this article with interest. I was married for 22 years and my ex-husband started to gradually change when he joined Facebook and High School/College Alumni reunion websites. One evening, I caught him emailing an old girlfriend from college. He said he was confiding in her. You can imagine how that made me feel. To this day, he swears that they never had an affair. He left me 3 months after the email incident. I now believe it was an emotional affair. What was it all for at the end of the day. She was married with children. My ex-husband and her never got together. I have never felt so much heartache in my life and what was it all for? To have several email exchanges with an old college sweetheart? My life changed completely and I moved back to Scotland after falling into a major depression. This was 4 years’ ago and I’m absolutely fine now, and getting on with life. There is nothing to be gained from connecting with ex-partners via social media if you’re in a marriage or a committed relationship. An emotional affair, in any form, destroys relationships, period.

  • Gary

    October 23rd, 2015 at 2:44 AM

    One issue is a lot of people don’t recognise emotional infidelity, either those doing it or those on the receiving end of a partner doing it. So it can become unnecessarily out of hand very quickly. Chic flicks and such don’t help, they encourage it. Emoional affairs represent the first or limerence stages of a relationship and people can become addicted to that stage. So when it starts to run out with your partner we can think something is missing and look elsewhere. Of course limerence disspates for couples after a while, but there’s very little about what comes next in popular culture, it’s all about the limerence! This encourges emotional affairs which can be intense and long lasting partly because the sexual and romantic tension builds but may not be consummated. The limmernce therefore persisits. We need more education in general about the different stages of relationships and the challenges of long term monogamy. These challenges are real and difficult and ‘love’ isn’t nesscessarily enough. However if we can see the signs of emotional infidelity in our own selves and/or our partner we can intervene and stop it developing.

  • Debby

    December 27th, 2015 at 4:39 AM

    My fiancée was or is having an emotional affair. It all strayed out when he was helping his son with his married girlfriend. Then the church told them to stop it. But the messaging and fVe time continued for months after that. How I found out was I was using his computer and he was logged into Facebook and messenger pops up. Well well. I did not answer wish I did. But I read all the messages and videos she sent of her and her husband fighting which I’m sure she only sent what she wanted him to hear. He also learned names in Spanish to call her. It’s been since August and he said he’s not talking to her anymore but after 8 months of talking I have my doubts. I can’t help it. His other wives cheated on him so I never thought he would do this to me. He would not talk about it when I confronted him about it. So I waited and asked him again. He could not give me an answer as to why. Or what happened to us. I have left it alone but there are so many unanswered questions. Don’t know what to do

  • Missy

    January 21st, 2016 at 4:39 AM

    I need some advice!My husband and I work at the same place.I’ve had a bad gut feeling about him and our female boss.When there around eachother,they stand on top of eachother and act like nobody else is in the room.I know they have to talk but he talks and texts her all day long when he can come to me about most of the work stuff.There isn’t even enough to talk about with the job for them to talk that much.My husband and I drive separately because he goes in at 5 and I go in at 8.We have a half hour drive home and he talks to her the whole way.When we go for lunch he always has to ask her if she needs anything.As soon as I leave the office to run to town,he’s in the office with her.When she’s out of town he’s like a lost puppy.I confronted him about this and he say’s I’m being rediculous it’s just his friend and boss.I have literally been sick to my stomach for the last 6 weeks and can’t get it out if my head!He’s making me feel like I’m crazy,please give me some advice!

  • MoralsQuestioned

    July 5th, 2018 at 2:36 PM

    To Upset:
    My husband was doing this, too. He was constantly texting and on Facebook messenger with his colleague. They are both tenured professors, and I told him I didn’t like that she’d text him as early as 7:00 a.m. and as late as 1:00 a.m. She ruined her own marriage — I think alcohol was also partly to blame, but she was also not able to just unplug. They would go to the beach together (with her kids and our daughter,) he went to a Biance concert with her….(he can’t even name more than one song by Biance, btw,) and they have lunch together, and are constantly doing things together in groups and 1:1 settings. He’s backed off a bit, but it was about to tear our family apart last March of 2017. I felt betrayed, hurt, and he denied any emotional infidelity was taking place. He was calling me paranoid and controlling. Since I seemed so out of character (I have not been the jealous type until she came along) he even asked that I get a blood test to make sure it wasn’t physical happening within me that was causing such “odd” behavior. I was floored by went along with it. I was so stressed when my appointment arrived, I passed out during the blood draw. Everything came back normal. Then a friend of mine invited me to a gaming event at her local library. While there, I instantly hit it off with another person there, and that’s where my first mistake began. I was hurting deeply inside and didn’t feel I could take much more and was looking for just about any other distraction. The thought of being around my husband caused me stress , anger, and I felt completely unloved and unappreciated. The next game night, my friend wasn’t able to go, but I went alone since I had fun the previous time. After it was over, we ended up talking for over an hour. At that point, we exchanged e-mails and phone numbers, but we were both very open in saying we were both married with kids (he has 2, and I only have our daughter.) It was really innocent, and we discovered a mutual passion for fitness. He invited me to join him for some workouts, which I did (unbeknownst to my husband.) We have zero intentions of leaving our spouses, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I liked his company. And I look forward to seeing an e-mail from him. I think we exchange e-mails about once a week and see one another 2-3 times per month. I’ve known him almost two years now, and we’ve also admitted some mutual physical attraction for one another, but again, nothing has ever happened on a physical level. We go on walks, still workout together, but we do share things about our marriages that we can’t tell our other family or friends for the same reason — we both love our spouses and don’t want to tarnish their image for our friends and family. I know people say to get out of this friendship/relationship or whatever it is called, but it feels really nice having someone I can open up to about things. Has anyone ever been in a long-term friendship like this where it has worked? If he were to tell me out of the blue one day that he didn’t think he could continue this arrangement, then I would completely respect this and would genuinely wish him well, even though it would be really hard for me.

  • shirley

    March 7th, 2016 at 6:00 PM

    I have been trying to work out exactly what my husband and I are going through – 3 years ago his cousin’s adult daughter and her family became part of our lives. Then the husband found work overseas so is based over there while the wife and child are based incountry…they both make quarterly trips out to see their father. My issue is this…over 2 years now…my husband and his ‘niece’ have become extremely close. They are always hanging out together to the extent that when people who don’t know us see me and my husband together and are confused because she is the one always sitting shotgun in my husband’s vehicle everywhere they go so assume she is the wife. My husband is always dropping her off at work in the morning and picking her up after work in the evenings…her car for some reason is always in the garage. They are always out together on the weekends and when not together at our house talking on the porch till 2 or 3am…are on the phone. If my husband wakes up on Saturday morning and she is not there…he will call her to bring things up to the house so she can prepare him breakfast…or call and check if she has had dinner so she can come up and either have dinner with us or stay and talk until early hours of the morning. If that is not possible…they are constantly texting or calling through Viber. Her recent trips to see her husband…my husband has both dropped her off and picked her up from the airport. His cousin…another of her uncles had a wedding interstate recently and they both went…I was never invited nor asked if I wanted to go. If any of them are away the other is always updated with the recent goings on with the other persons life…if this is not an emotional affair then what is it? My husband has become very short tempered with me…barking at me on the phone, in public…comparing me to her infront of her and my children…I feel like an outsider in my marriage right now. The last time we went to a family get together they both travelled to with the children in one vehicle while I travelled alone in mine…after so many of these similar trips I took a detour to my mother’s house and the whole time not one person checked up on me to see where I was…so I ended up staying the night

  • Nicola

    March 7th, 2016 at 11:22 PM

    Shirley, Your husband’s actions are completely unacceptable. I think you need to severe the ties with this woman. You are married to one another and it is not your husband’s responsibility to ensure her happiness no matter what her circumstances are. You are his wife – she is not. You deserve to be treated with respect. Do you have a close friend or close family member you can discuss this with, and who would keep this confidential? Sometimes when you’re married to someone, you can begin to tolerate bad behaviour – this is what I did and it got me nowhere. I walked on eggshells and was constantly trying to keep the peace when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wrote a piece earlier in this article – not sure if you have read it as yet. I don’t wish to start giving you advice on what you should do exactly but please don’t turn a blind eye to what is going on in the hope that this relationship will end with this woman. She is not being respectful to you either and I’m afraid that I would not have her in my home at all. You have the choice who steps through your door. This entire situation is making you unhappy. You do not deserve to feel like an outsider, Shirley. Please don’t leave your home. Your husband is the one who needs to change his behavior.

  • shirley

    March 9th, 2016 at 3:39 AM

    Dear Nicola,
    Thank you so much for your reply…exactly what I needed…just to clear my head and convince myself that I do not need to accept this kind of behaviour from either of them. I have mentioned to my husband that I would like her out of our lives for good…now he wants to know why. But thank you so much for giving me the courage and strength to address this issue finally.

  • hema

    March 14th, 2016 at 10:10 AM

    This emotional cheating is so devastating, the very foundation of my marriage are broken all that’s left is anger, distrust and betrayal! And most of the time us victims never saw it coming! The thought of my husband describing me as a monster to another woman is sickening, especially when I thought my marriage was OK before I found her text. Living separate for a week now therapy next week!

  • shirley

    March 15th, 2016 at 9:14 PM

    After confronting my husband and asking him to treat me better, he has smashed 3 of his phones out of anger, his sister has told my coworkers that I am having an affair therefore finding fault in my husband over something so innocent. I am at my wits end as he does not see this as an issue…that I should get over it and return to normal i.e. allow his niece back in our lives and because I have said NO! His sister is now taking sides and spreading viscious rumours about me…I don’t know what to do…all I thought I was doing was asking my husband to yake the same amount of effort and energy he invested into the other relationship and invest it into ours. Am I being too unreasonable?

  • beckys

    September 22nd, 2016 at 2:29 PM

    shirley, you are not being unreasonable.
    You wrote a few very red big flags. But I still feel cheated on and am having a hard time trusting him again.
    You lost trust, and this is key to your relationship.
    If he is refusing to talk to you about YOUR NEEDS which re very important in a relationship, he might have already checked out of your relationship, emotionally.
    Asking your husband to invest in your relationship is NORMAL, and the fact that he broke 3 phones??? I t a big red flag. He is choosing someone else over you!
    In my books this would be a HUGE red flag. I’m sorry you are going through this. Make sure to think of your well being first.

  • Jan

    July 6th, 2016 at 6:30 PM

    My fiance started texting/calling another woman. He tells me they are just friends and why don’t I think men and women can be friends? I do think they can – I have several male friends…but I don’t call or text them several times a day! Then he tells me he needed to vent, that she is just easy to talk to, and she “gets” him. but there is nothing going on…just talking. I asked him to stop and according to the phone bill, he has. But I still feel cheated on and am having a hard time trusting him again. Anyone have any thoughts???

  • Esther

    October 25th, 2016 at 5:32 AM

    Hi,am finding myself in this kind of situation. After my husband cheated on me. Even after forgiving him am less attracted to him.please advice.

  • Cindy

    November 3rd, 2016 at 9:11 AM

    I just phone call/text logs last week that they’ve been calling and texting for almost 2 years with a coworker. He said they’re just friends and are talking about work. Really?? Texting relentlessly on our vacations, during the time I was going through 3 surgeries, when my parents were sick, even on the day we buried my parents last month? I confronted him and he said it’s just friends and will not talk at all. He’s camped out in the basement. All call/text records ended after I confronted him. I moved out yesterday

  • Randy

    July 3rd, 2017 at 2:34 PM

    Dear Cindy, I know how you feel but hope you have a better life ahead. My wife does the same to me. Be strong, move on and have a happier life. Some of us man are bad but not all. Hope you find somone that treasures you in future

  • Susy

    April 25th, 2017 at 7:46 AM

    A husband should treat you better than he treats anybody else period. When your husband treats anyone better than you it is at your expense and beyond inconsiderate. Is it an emotional affair or not is really almost irrelevant. The wrong has already begun!

  • Donna

    April 25th, 2017 at 10:10 AM

    A lot of you are asking for advice. I just ordered a book called “Not just Friends”, I’m thinking it might be a good read for several of you…. Can’t wait to get my copy.


    April 25th, 2017 at 1:11 PM

    This to to commenter Gary, thank you so much for your insightful advise! You are SO right! Very helpful and to the direct heart of the matter! Thank you

  • Randy

    July 3rd, 2017 at 2:27 PM

    This is not a phenomenon that is attributed solely to the proliferations of social media. Globalization is also a contributing factors. Women working in MNCs may have a higher chance of commiting this. This is currently happening to me and my spouse (soon to be ex). Her hungarian colleague is starting to emphasize the common characters that they share and they starts having frequent business trips and 1 on 1 session together. For my case, my spouse refused to acknowledge her infidelity so it is good time for me to throw in the towel. For those who are still able to talk about this, do start talking early and nicely before it is too late.

  • amorita

    July 4th, 2017 at 9:04 AM

    I’m so confused..my husband moved out at the beginning of January, after about a week I found out that he was having an emotional affair…he told me he loved us both,what should i do now? please help

  • Sing

    July 5th, 2017 at 5:56 AM

    I got to now that my wife was having an emotional affair with some one else.
    I got some objectionable pics been shared between them 06 months back.
    She says she did this with a mistaken identity as she did not find me close to discuss personal issues.
    We have a 16 years of married life.
    She also mentions that the person was out of country hence the scare of getting exposed was nil.
    But I don’t believe this buy, still I gave her & my family a chance to make it once more try.
    I still cant believe ; what ever I saw that day.
    And how ever many a times I try to forget, something or other does happens to remind me of the incidence.
    I feel very frustrated & disappointed on not getting to know what was happening behind me & I never got to know this all activity going on.
    I am not able to forget the incidence & brings me back to the same issues on what are the chances of this not happening again with me.
    I am scared & almost on the watch to know & find on the whereabouts of my wife.
    And also very conscious on my self on being more approachable to issue.
    But I am not very convinced on the my actions & as well as her intentions. I want to forget what ever has happened.
    How do I forget what ever has happened has gone – by and would not happen again.
    Am I true in this believe ? Can I trust some one again ? Can I read some one mind before hand this time ? Am I approachable now? Hope I would not be cheated this time ?
    All these questions keeps coming into my mind & I have tend to become very lonely; generally sorrow most of the times . I have become silent in gatherings & family meets. I want some one to look after me & have more care from her ; where in she mentions I would try ?
    Is this all to be tried or this comes within ourselves : if incase some ones loves from the heart.
    I am totally confused
    And do not know what to do & take this further.
    Hope you understand this situation & see if you can advice me on this

  • jyd

    August 13th, 2017 at 7:20 PM

    hi, this article really help me.
    my boss who happens to be a young lady of same age with me is starting to have feelings for me. Initially i thought she is strong emotionally that was why i always talked with her at length not knowing that is turning her head. We are both married with kids. just last week we are at a function together, there she told me that if it was like 10 years back she would have married me and that she really like me because am hardworking.
    what can i do?

  • jyd

    August 13th, 2017 at 7:22 PM

    can i tell my wife all these?

  • Heidi13

    August 23rd, 2017 at 12:06 PM

    jyd – the fact that you’re asking yourself if you can tell your wife is an issue. TELL HER!! And then end anything with your boss! My husband just had an emotional affair and told me this last week. I am VERY hurt that this would happen, but am so happy that he told me before it got any further. I asked him to cut all ties with her, but since she is a co-worker he decided to quit his job, delete his Facebook account, delete his email account and start a new one, blocked her phone number, and is going to counseling with me. If you truly care about your wife then do anything you can to end things. Is that other person really worth losing your wife and (if you have kids) family over? You have to make that decision, but hiding what’s going on isn’t going to help. It really hurt me that my husband hid his affair from me and was trying to figure things out on his own. As a married couple you both should be there for each other. I love my husband so much and am doing my best to forgive him. I hope that you will tell your wife and that she will learn to forgive you.

  • Heidi13

    August 23rd, 2017 at 12:15 PM

    Dealing with my husband having an emotional affair we are reading a book called ‘Not “just friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass. I recommend this to everyone…along with counseling. It is really helping me and my husband understand each other and the fact that even though two people love each other that no relationship is immune to infidelity.

  • Laura

    November 24th, 2017 at 12:31 AM

    4 days before Christmas I found out my husband had cheated on me with some girl he met on Facebook. My world shattered immediately, the way I found out was with the help of **** who helped me hacked his phone remotely and I was able to see all his phone content. He met this girl via Facebook who had seen him post something for sale on a site. When I approached him about it he denied it. Until I sent him screenshots of the messages of the sex he was discussing and the last sex he had with the girl. He was shocked and never believed I could go that far. He kneel down to beg me immediately because he knew I have a prove with me. I was so mad and hate him for not been faithful to me

  • Upset

    June 8th, 2018 at 3:34 PM

    My husband has been texting a female colleague. The things he texted her have really upset me, as they were things like, she is a superwoman, and brunette with curves in all the right places, and that he would help her strip, and then added her wallpaper, and spoke about me in the negative and that we are in a ‘rut’, are we?

  • J

    August 3rd, 2018 at 12:23 PM

    Hi there,
    Sounds like this is quite hurtful to you. Have you spoken to your husband about how this has been making you feel? You mentioned he feels like you two may be in a rut – how do you feel about that, is this something you also feel?

  • David

    August 26th, 2018 at 5:24 AM

    My wife and i are early in our marriage and they say those are the toughest years. She tells me that she loves me and that she is happy but she comes to bed in the late hours in the mornings because she is sitting in the garage. She has been very possessive with her phone and always keeping it close to her side and when I do question her about things she get defensive and angry towards me. She always says the same thing that I need to grow some confidence but I dont feel it has anything to do with that. It’s for my very own peice of mind to just know that she isn’t sitting up all hours of night carrying an emotional conversation with another man. It hurts just sitting here typing my comment…my ex wife did the same thing to me but that developed from just phone conversation to physical. I just dont want to same thing to happen again and that’s the worst feeling ever.

  • kayla

    October 19th, 2018 at 7:24 AM

    my husband found an old girlfriend on facebook. she is divorced with five kids. he started a passionate affair with her in a matter of days. He said they fell in love and he moved in with her in a week. shattered my life. He divorced me, left me penniless and married her the day after our divorce was final…. Well, it has been two years. they have a child together now. She dumped him for a younger guy. He now says that he loves me so much and wants me back. he was crying! Well, he didm’t realize that I met a fine man, dated for a year, now married and just bought our first home and have rwin boy and girl. I have it all now. he has nothing. I still don’t feel happy. it is sad he lost so much he could have had…. He told me he couldn’t believe I have so much. he cried again. My husband says he never wants him to come here again. I agree. I thank him for doing what he did with what I have now. bigger :) and much better!

  • Janice

    August 29th, 2019 at 5:44 PM

    What about a married man who is very flirty (compliments, touching, initiating hugs, saying he enjoys your company, self disclosure) but never takes it further than that? Now I have developed a crush on him because I eat up the attention. He does run a bit hot and cold, like flirtier sometimes than others. What is his behavior about? Is he looking for a sign from me? I have the hots for him but I am also very shy so it’s hard for me to flirt back very much until I get to know someone better and get really clear signs from him.

  • Kelly

    May 31st, 2020 at 10:46 AM

    Going through this right now. My husband dosent even know I know and its literally killing me . He talks about everyone he works with but has NEVER mentioned her. I found he texts her all the time and added her to whatsapp . Once we had an argument and he told her we were splitting up,we weren’t at all and when he spent 2 weeks at home at Christmas and never txt her and then when he went back to work he told her he was sorry he didnt message her as he dodnt have a phone but now had a new one, a complete lie. He sent her a message saying if he single he would show her a good time and she replied that she was in the bath he he admitted to her he had naughty images in his head of her in the bath. She said she had noone to scrub her back or front, yes she knows about me as I was pregnant at the time and asked if I had had the baby . Recently he sent her a WhatsApp about how she needs to find a good fuck buddy and 1 min later he sent me one saying how much he loves and misses me.. I nearly cried as it meant so much as he used to do it all the time and now never… at this point I knew nothing about this girl. I’m unsure of what to do or how to go about anything..

  • Bella

    June 9th, 2020 at 11:34 PM

    Yep, happened to me 32 yrs ago, suspected, asked the question generally, answer no, nothings going on. Constantly talked up his secretary every time we revisited that era and I would tease him she had the hots for him, response always no. Same scenario 2 years ago when he said “Yes, she did”,leaned back in his chair and said “but oh, the electricity!”. Over the following months came stories, like the time office was having Fri night drinkies, he in his office with a few colleagues when she and other office females and male colleagues came from another office gathering in the same company and secretary went to office frig and started pouring drinks. Group of females coming in door and one pointed to my husband and said “he’s mine” whereupon secretary took a few steps, sat on my husband’s knee, (her boss) waved her finger at other female and said “he’s no-one’s”. Well, husband sees nothing wrong with that at all, no sexual intent on either side. At later work function wife of husband’s colleague (and my friend I thought) was talking to my husband and said to him “Oh look, pointing to said secretary, there’s your office girlfriend sitting all on her own”. Another social function with many office colleagues attending. Another office female sitting on opposite side of table from us obliquely passed my husband a note. He tossed it back to her laughing and refused to let me see it or tel me what was written. Later he danced with her (in recent conversations has agreed she was ‘very friendly during the dancing’ but no details about her ‘friendliness’ and only described the note as ‘infantile’). I’ve had counselling, he offered to do so as well with the addition of both of us attending counselling together. He had 2 sessions where I would drive him to the appointment and go do messages, picking him up when he was finished then we would go have coffee and cake and he would talk about his session but I would make little comment. The third session, I was not invited to go and when he came home he announced that was his last session and he was fine. Since then he has shut down all conversation on the subject. I’ve written my thoughts and feelings down and given him to read. No reaction from him whatsoever. I’ve lost weight, I feel betrayed, I keep having conversations in my head about the matter, still have ‘triggers’ and I don’t know how long I can stand to be still living with him.

  • Lisa

    November 4th, 2021 at 2:33 PM

    I had a college guy friend who use to be friends with back in college, I only stayed for a year and left…he kept in touch every year for my birthday, he would say happy birthday on my Facebook wall and I would do the same. He would like photos that I posted on fb. but other than that nothing else. Its been like 14 years now since college. Over the past two years happy birthday would turn into slight conversation of hey how’s the family, and kids etc. He would talk about his wife and business…however my birthday was a month ago and he wished me and we chatted on WhatsApp, the conversation sounded slightly different than usual. he never mentioned his wife at any time but before he did….we have been chatting for a week now about life and kids etc…still no mention of wife/..which I find weird. but he is still married, I asked. He also suggested we meet for coffee and chat and not just the once a year birthday wish. Fine I said we are friends and he is the only college friend that ever bothered to stay in touch. We were chatting on WA for about 6 hours now and from the chat seems like his wife isn’t doing much, he looks after the son, takes him to school, dresses him makes lunch etc, baths him, puts him to bed…I joked and said like a single parent…I asked why isn’t his mother trying to put him to sleep and he says because she she spoilt…small things being mentioned I’m picking up he isn’t really happy or she isn’t present. I don’t know what to do. Like we throw jokes here and there and he says there’s nothing wrong with having a good laugh, life shouldn’t be too serious. but he has mentioned that he wants to be the best father he can be and I can’t fault him there. I know from my own kid that fathers can be MIA. I think the small things his wife is taking for granted I find attractive..not the right word. I did come out and ask if his wife is okay with him going for coffee or lunch with another female because I don’t want to make trouble, he said she actually told him to go out but he doesn’t . he said she can’t understand why he always hangs out with his brother and cousins…my ex was the opposite. so i truly am finding the stupid simple stuff really like Omg I want that as well and was told in my relationship that we can’t live in our own bubble! I am single btw

  • Bojana

    November 21st, 2021 at 11:17 AM

    My fiancee is cheating on me and I am cheating on him. Should we get married anyway? Help me!

  • Ben

    January 16th, 2022 at 2:39 PM

    I suspect my wife is having an emotional affair with her boss, and doesn’t even realise it. We have already discussed the friendship and her POV is ‘I have a male friend, deal with it’. Now that I’ve learned about emotional affairs, our situation ticks every box or red flag you can think of. But it is soothing to read this is actually a real thing, and others have gone through it – I thought I was going crazy, controlling and paranoid for a few months. But now at least I feel vindicated, and my jealousy no longer unjustified.

  • Elias

    February 24th, 2022 at 10:28 PM

    I am completely guilty of this when I was chased by a homewrecker unhappy in her relationship. We deserve each other.

  • Ty

    May 21st, 2022 at 12:59 PM

    Whoever wants my spouse could have them!!! I’m ve been nothing but used for 30+ years and I’m tired of it!

  • CHA

    June 19th, 2022 at 11:55 AM

    Upon reading all the signs of having an emotional affair, I can confirm that my husband had one. He had most all of the signs. He has this coworker whom he’s too close with. At first I was so hesitant on my feeling that they have something. That girl keeps on texting my husband even when my husband is not at work. She keeps on updating him on what is happening at work. After there came a time that she is already updating her on her everyday events out -of-work. This started 2 yrs ago until now. That girl even gives gifts to my daughter even without an occasion. I told him that it seems that she likes him but he said she is just nice not only to him to other guys as well. She always invite our family to join them on most of their travels, even invited us to celebrate Christmas in their house. This girl is also married and she is telling my husband about her husband not helping her on chores because he doesn’t know anything about household tasks. Until I read their messages being so caring with one another. My husband keeps on asking her if she already ate or tells her she needs to rest because she looks tired. I didn’t confront him anymore but he felt that I’m staring to be cold at him. Then I told him what I saw and what he is doing. He realized that he hurt my feelings and told me that maybe he is falling into her already. But he already is starting to change for me. He doesn’t eat with her at work anymore or text her. I know I had forgiven but I it’s hard for me to forget. I still feel anxious that they might still have connection since I don’t see my husband’s activities at work. I know my husband really mean it when he told me he will change for the good. But I think I’m the one who changed. I feeling so insecure and always had doubts in my mind which I’m trying to cut.

  • Kim

    September 28th, 2022 at 1:48 PM

    Just curious if I have crossed this line.

  • Sara

    October 18th, 2022 at 5:08 PM

    My husband had an affair like this in our marriage. Actually, he had several short ones and one long one. Those of you who say I’m single it’s the married mans fault. YOU are having an affair with a married man. That means you are lacking any kind of a moral compass. You are hurting not just his wife, but his kids and his whole familiy. It is a terrible and selfish thing for anyone to be doing. Weather or not you are the married one is irrevelant.

  • Adam

    July 24th, 2023 at 1:02 PM

    If someone is having an emotional affair, people might consider it just as bad as a physical affair. So, if you’re going to face consequences for both, some might argue that you might as well go all the way and have a physical affair too if you’re going to get in trouble for an emotional affair.

  • Drina

    August 5th, 2023 at 10:48 PM

    Is it possible to be in an emotional affair with your therapist? (Definitely nothing sexual!) Therapy is inherently intimate, so where is the line exactly?

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