One thing that human beings have in common is the desire to feel OK. Everyone is working on it every day, whether they realize it or not. They’re trying to feel OK and to avoid feeling terrible.
Unfortunately, people often don’t realize that they are OK, until they’re not.
If you look for the silver lining in things—which I highly recommend—the silver lining of getting sick is that it helps us appreciate when we’re well. Suddenly, I’m nostalgic for those halcyon days when I could breathe through my nose. I remember myself as an agile sprite, gliding through my day, before this cursed back pain.
Then the pain goes away and I’m back to OK. Actually, I feel phenomenal about being OK. Not feeling terrible brings me great joy. But a few days pass and I slip back into the unconscious OK-ness of everyday life.
Some physical and emotional pains don’t go away so quickly, though. People want to get back to OK, but they don’t know how or how long it’s going to take. Those pains require the stamina of a mule and a few other skills, too.
One of those skills is optimism. Optimism buoys the spirit like a lifeboat on rough seas.
When you’re optimistic, you have the energy to tackle obstacles and find ways around them. You keep moving. When you’re feeling hopeless, it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other.
Optimism is the belief that things will get better.
Even if a person isn’t a natural optimist, he or she can reignite that fire using another skill called cognitive flexibility. This means being able to think about something from multiple perspectives. It means keeping an open mind. Instead of “I know …” it’s “maybe I could see this differently.”
If one way of viewing a situation makes a person feel hopeless and another way of thinking makes a person feel optimistic, which would you choose? Some people see negative beliefs as realistic and optimistic beliefs as fantasies. That’s one perspective—and not a very helpful one.
So, even if you’re pessimistic, there’s hope in the realization that you may be wrong.
If someone isn’t attracted to you, you might think, “I know I’m not attractive” and feel very discouraged. With cognitive flexibility, you can see different explanations. Maybe … she loves someone else. Maybe … I need a new pick-up line. Maybe … I’m not his or her type … but I’m someone else’s type.
If one way of viewing a situation makes a person feel hopeless and another way of thinking makes a person feel optimistic, which would you choose? Some people see negative beliefs as realistic and optimistic beliefs as fantasies. That’s one perspective—and not a very helpful one.
Another benefit of cognitive flexibility is being able to find meaning and a positive outcome from a bad experience. In other words, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”
A long time ago, I pursued an acting career. That was my dream. I auditioned a lot, got rejected a lot, and wasn’t having a ton of success. Finally, one day, I got a great part at a well-respected theater. I was so happy. I thought my dream was beginning to come true. And then they had to cancel the show. I was devastated. I felt so powerless.
But out of this disappointment I created meaning. The meaning I created was that I couldn’t rely on others to allow me to do the work I wanted to do. I realized that I had to take some power into my own hands and create my opportunities. So I wrote, produced, and performed a one-woman show. This turned out to be one of the most satisfying experiences of my life.
A terrible disappointment had a very positive impact on my life. It taught me to take action, and it taught me that I could turn a bad situation into an opportunity for growth.
It’s OK to not be OK sometimes, but it’s also a healthy instinct to try to get back to feeling good. Tools such as optimism can help people think their way back to OK.
© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Rena Pollak, LMFT, Relationships and Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
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